#shadow doesn't realize how selfish his intrusive thoughts are until he sees sonic's reaction to them

[writingtraumaforever]

The 30th (Another Uncontrolled Chaos Prequel)

Notes: !!THIS IS NOT A HAPPY READ. READ TAGS FOR TW!! Wanted to make this to once again flesh out what this universe's Shadow and Sonic have gone through. Everyone thinks it's all sunshine and rainbows with them since Shadow had Sonic to help him through things. On the contrary, this only makes Shadow compare himself more to the hero and ache at the fact he feels he can never be good like him. They go through a lot of dark times, but thankfully Uncontrolled Chaos takes place a few years after this incident. Still, this should highlight why exactly AU Sonic is so worried about his Shadow being alone in another world.. They MIGHT have some co-dependency issues. c:

Summary: This follows AU Sonic's perspective of his Shadow's healing journey.. and the lowest part of it.

Uncontrolled Chaos Masterpost!

Link to my AO3!

Start:

Sometimes you look the same Just like you did before the accident When you’re staring into space It’s hard to believe you don’t remember it

It had been so long ago. It felt like a lifetime at this point. And yet, despite this, Shadow still seems to have his hard days.

It breaks Sonic’s heart every time.

He can recognize it near immediately. It’s often triggered by nightmares. Waking up to a whimpering Shadow, how he’ll jolt and jump and turn around under the covers. How his ears will fold back and his body will curl up tight in a ball, not awake to try and hide his emotions behind a stone-walled fasade. Sonic leaps into action without thought, jolting from his own slumber the second he recognizes what’s happening and gently coaxing Shadow from his rest.

He hadn’t been sure what to do the first several times it happened, scared to make things worse by touching his partner or shaking him. But now he knew it best to jostle the hybrid from his sleep than let him continue reliving those horrid things a moment longer..

Sonic would wake him with kisses to his head and ears and cheeks as he hushes him softly and rubs his hands down his spines, coaxing him out of his trauma and back home to the present..

It had gotten worse with therapy. Bringing up all those repressed memories and emotions had opened a flood gate for Shadow. But Sonic was more than happy to tread these waters with him.

Shadow would awaken— on rare occasion pouncing on Sonic to attack him only to snap out of it after a few moments— but more often, he would just open wide, scared crimson eyes that practically shined in the dark. Shaking and panicked.

And then he’d crumble against Sonic. Whether it just be curling up against his partner in silence as he calmed down or sobbing into his shoulder, Sonic held him through every moment..

The next day was always hard, though. Sonic would go on with his day, as would Shadow, but he’d seem so.. pitiful.

Broken. Discouraged.

He’d often find the hybrid sitting in the nook by the window, sipping coffee with a book in his lap that Sonic knows he isn’t reading. Not a single page flipped. His mind is elsewhere.

Sonic wishes he could go wherever Shadow’s mind does. Be there with him.

He opts instead to sit diagonal to him on the couch with his own book or puzzle or video game— whatever he decided to occupy himself with that day as to not leave Shadow’s side but also not pester him. Give him time and space.

Either way before the day ended, Shadow would eventually slide off the nook and join his partner on the couch, curl up against his side and Sonic would kiss the top of his head and ask if he wanted him to read to him or if he wanted him to play co-op with him on his game or help him complete his puzzle.. whatever it was he was doing at the moment.

Shadow wouldn’t typically answer, but he’d slowly join Sonic with time..

Sonic had his days, too. He hid them well for Shadow’s sake. It wasn’t fair to burden Shadow with his own problems when Shadow had legitimate trauma to work through. So he’d bottle it up and away for some other time. Or maybe never. Definitely never if he could get away with it.

But the truth is, sometimes Sonic panics..

Sometimes when they’re on missions or fighting battles against Eggman or whatever big-bad has sprung into their lives, Sonic feels like he can’t breathe . Sometimes he wishes Shadow wouldn’t even come along. That he’d stay home where he’s safe. Where Sonic won’t lose him again..

Every time Shadow is near danger, flashes of the ARK incident play through his mind. Watching gold quills fade to ebony, blending in with the space around them. Watching crimson eyes slowly flutter and then shut, pure contentment on Shadow’s face with his fate that haunts Sonic to this day. 

How Sonic reached. How he tried.

How he couldn’t make it.

How he was too tired, too beaten from the battle, his power fading and the chaos emeralds failing him.

How he watched him fall until he was gone..

Sonic couldn’t breathe when he replayed these things in his head.

Sometimes it didn’t even take an intense situation to trigger this anxiety. Sometimes he was simply wide awake at night watching Shadow sleep because he was scared if he dared to join him in his slumber, he’d wake up to an empty bed..

It wasn’t the easiest conversation to have with Shadow..

Shadow would often voice to Sonic how he felt about it all. How he wanted that to be his death, how it was meant to be a sacrifice to combat all the atrocities he had committed. He’d talk about how he nearly feels disconnected from the whole experience some days, his memory still foggy in places and his mind often becoming too overwhelmed to even process all that had happened since.

He didn’t like talking about that day.

On the opposite end, it’s all Sonic could think about.

And he couldn’t tell anyone..

He was alone in this battle.

And I know you don’t remember calling me And I told you even then you look so pretty

Sonic can’t explain the horror he felt when he got the phone call.

How absolutely gutted and sick he felt. How he felt his very soul leave his body for a moment. How he couldn’t move quick enough to his destination.

There had been an incident with Shadow.

He hadn’t been on a quest. Hadn’t been investigating Eggman with the team or in battle. He had simply been alone..

Sonic had left him alone for a couple hours to go run some errands in town. Groceries, rented a movie, even picked up some flowers to bring back for Shadow. Mundane things. An ordinary day.

And then everything had gone to hell..

Sonic was nearly at GUN headquarters before his groceries could even his the pavement from him dropping them, running harder than he ever had in his life.

Demanding to be taken to Shadow the second he entered, he was escorted to the agency’s medical wing.

Tails was distraught when he got there, a few cuts and scrapes littering his little brother’s body. 

“ What the hell happened?! ”

”Sonic!” his brother had wailed upon seeing him, rushing to him and crying into his arms. Sonic had no choice but to hold him up, cradling him close as his eyes scanned around for anyone not falling apart to explain what was going on.

His gaze landed on Rouge the Bat.

“It was horrible! It was s-so horrible, Sonic! H-he was on fire—“

“ Easy, buddy, easy..,” Sonic had hushed, hugging the young kit tighter as he eyed the bat speaking with a nurse nearby. 

The elevator doors open again behind him, and in rush both Amy and Knuckles with wide and fearful eyes,

“What happened???”

“Where’s Shadow?!”

Sonic didn’t even pay them any mind, simply handing his little brother off to Knuckles as he quickly walks to Rouge then.

She’ll have answers. And he knows she won’t sugarcoat.

She sees him coming, waving the nurse off and meeting him halfway in the hall with a sympathetic frown.

“He’s gonna be alright, Blue—“

“ What happened??? ” Sonic snaps, not so much angry as he is just frantic and distraught, “ Why was he brought here??? ”

“We’re the only ones who know how to treat him based on the research done on ARK..,” she answers, her brows knitting as seeing the blue hero so damn scared .

“Treat him for what??? ”

“His Chaos Energy levels… they were out of control..,” she explains, but Sonic just seems even more lost, “Apparently the kid found him in a very distressed state and losing control of his power. There was an explosion…”

“ W-was Shadow hurt???”

“ Shadow was the explosion..”

Sonic had been taken aback by this, “ H-… how??”

“Apparently, his inhibitor rings were removed..,” she says quietly, leaving Sonic to process that a few moments. His eyes slowly grow wider and his body slouches a bit with the implication of her words..

“…He wouldn’t do that.”

“I didn’t accuse him of anything, Blue, I just think—“

“ He wouldn’t do that, ” Sonic growls low, seeming more angry now than anything. Defensive of his boyfriend. “You don’t know him. You don’t know anything about him—“

“I know he holds a lot of power inside him,” Rouge interrupts firmly before Sonic can get carried away, “…And I know he’s seen some shit. And those two things usually don’t mesh well together.”

“He was doing better ,” Sonic insists, heckles still risen and defenses high, “He’s in therapy, he—“

“He was left alone, and that’s all it took,” Rouge says plainly, eyes locked with Sonic’s, “…GUN doesn’t want to release him. Thinks he’s too much of a liability.”

“ Over my dead body ,” Sonic growls, shoving past her now to find Shadow for himself. Fuck this. He’s done. He wants to see him for himself. See what the hell happened. See Shadow .

He needs to see Shadow.

In a hospital bed I remember you said You were scared

He found him in a heavily guarded room, briefly fighting the guards outside before Rouge had stepped up and told them to let him through.

What he found inside was disgusting .

It was Shadow.. back in a damn tube. Just like he had been created in. Just like Sonic had found him in.

Sonic doesn’t recall what all had happened after that.

He blacked out for the most of it..

Amy said Knuckles had to nearly knock him out to calm him down before he hurt someone..

Either way, his temper tantrum obviously worked because Shadow was later moved from the tube to a proper hospital bed..

Sonic was in there with him, now. Holding his hand as Shadow slept. Squeezing tight and unable to stop looking at him.

He looked nearly untouched. Perfect as always. No evidence of the incident that had left Tails so distraught and cut up..

Nothing other than the marks around his wrists. They were mostly covered now by new inhibitor rings, but peeking out from beneath was seared fur and harsh red burn marks..

Sonic didn’t touch them. Didn’t let his eyes linger on them.

He didn’t understand. Why would Shadow do this?? Why would he remove his inhibitor rings knowing what it would do??? All over again??

Sonic didn’t know how to even ask him. He didn’t know how to even talk to him after this.

He just wanted him awake. Just wanted to look at him. 

Make him see how fuckin’ selfish and stupid what he did was .

He was pissed. 

But most of all, he was hurt .

So was I

Shadow’s eyes do eventually open, a quiet groan escaping him as he shifts slightly on the bed. Sonic’s eyes widen, staring at the asshole as he awakens from his slumber. 

Shadow looks confused at first. Groggy and in a bit of pain. Worn down.

And then he realizes where he is.

And he gets scared.

Sonic should feel sorry for him. He should cradle him like he always does, hold him through his growing panic attack. Protect him..

But Sonic can’t anymore. 

Shadow always said he didn’t deserve Sonic, and Sonic never agreed with him until today .

But now he knows Shadow doesn’t deserve his support. Not this time. He won’t support this.

Shadow’s crimson eyes dart down to his wrists. Then up and around himself, finally landing on Sonic. Sonic who is standing with his arms crossed by the window of the room, glaring daggers at the hybrid. Sonic who looks like he hasn’t slept in days.

Because he hasn’t.

Shadow seems to relax at the sight of his boyfriend, but still looks discomforted by the atmosphere.

“Wh-.. where am I??”

“GUN Headquarters,” Sonic mutters quietly, voice dangerously low.

“What am I doing here??”

“You were brought here because nowhere else knows how to treat the Ultimate Lifeform,” the blue hero mumbles, slowly pushing off the wall to approach the bedside. His arms are still crossed over himself..

Shadow stares at him as things begin flooding back to him, remembering what happened.

“I-,” his eyes widen at a sudden thought, “ Is Tails okay??? ”

“He’s traumatized as fuck and cut up pretty good, but he’ll be fine,” Sonic answers with a frown, annoyed that Shadow dares to think of his little brother after the fact.

Shadow frowns at this, a shaky breath escaping him as he closes his eyes and swallows, “Look, Sonic, I—“

“No, you look, Shadow,” Sonic snaps, eyes narrowing at is boyfriend, “Look around . You see where you are??? You see where you’ve put yourself???”

Shadow’s eyes stay shut, unable to look at Sonic. This just pisses him off further.

“ Look at me !” Sonic growls, arms uncrossing to point aggressively at himself, “ LOOK AT ME, SHADOW.”

Shadow hesitates..

Then he looks at Sonic. 

And Sonic.. Sonic looks like he could kill him.

Sonic never got like this. He was always patient, cool and collected. Always acting unbothered and wispy like the wind. As though he was too scooped up in living life to worry about the downs of it.

But right now?? He was different..

He had been pushed too far.

He had tried to keep his own emotions in check for Shadow’s sake, but he’s fed up.

What if It happened to you on a different day On a bridge where there wasn’t a rail in the way

“Do you have any idea what you’ve done ???”

“I wasn’t trying to hurt anyone—“

“ You could’ve killed Tails!!”

Or a neighborhood street where the little kids play Or the Angeles Crest in the snow or the rain

“I wasn’t trying to kill Tails, Sonic, I’d never intentionally hurt him…”

“What were you thinking?!”

“He was suppose to be in his workshop—“

“ No, what were you thinking ?!”

“I-.. I was just—“

“You were being selfish! That’s what you were thinking, only about yourself !”

“I was not just thinking about myself—“

“You certainly weren’t thinking of Tails!… of your friends, your family, of me! Chaos knows you aren’t stupid enough to seriously think something like that was for me! ”

What if you were alone There were kids in the car What if you were remote No one knows where you are

“I was just-.. I just wanted to know what would happen ! What it would feel like!”

“ You were reckless and stupid! And so are your damn excuses, Shadow— you know what happens when your inhibitor rings come off!”

“I’m TIRED, Sonic! I don’t know what else you want from me!”

If you’d change anything would you not have survived

“What the hell is that suppose to mean?! I want you!! I want you with me! Here!! ”

“The world is better off without me! I’m a danger, I don’t deserve—“

“ Shut the fuck up about being a danger, Shadow! I’m tired of it!! ”

“I should get to speak how I feel! I should get to choose what I want to do with my life!!”

“ Not if you’re going to throw it away!! Do you think that’s what Maria would want?! ”

“I don’t care anymore! What about what I want?!”

“ What about what I want, Shadow?! What about ME?!”

You’re alive You’re alive You’re alive

Shadow’s eyes are wide as he stares at Sonic, hearing the way his voice croaks out those final words.

He’s never seen Sonic cry. He’s never seen him break his charismatic, carefree persona.. He thought nothing could break that hedgehog. Nothing could make Sonic crack and crumble. He’d carry out no matter what tragedies struck him, move forward as always..

And here he was.. shattering before Shadow’s eyes..

And he was the cause..

Sonic lets out an angry growl at himself for showing his emotions, turning his head away as his tears now fall freely. He lifts a hand to cover his trembling mouth with the back of it, looking out the window and sniffling and hiccuping uncontrollably with muttered “d-damnit, Shadow”s and “fuck”s..

It’s pitiful.

Shadow wants to reach out to him.. hold him.. comfort him..

When he shifts in his bed just slightly to do so, Sonic’s eyes immediately shoot back to him with a flared warning, “ Don’t touch me.. ”

Shadow wouldn’t be able to touch him if he wasn’t here anymore.. it’s only fair he have to see the consequences of his actions. The turmoil he’s sent his beloved spiraling into..

And I know you don’t remember calling me

He doesn’t care.

But I told you even then you look so pretty

He stands anyway, pushing himself off the bed with a small grunt. He’s sore, absolutely. There’s some singed marks on him that’re already healing but still sting. He’s weak from unleashing so much power..

He doesn’t even know how long he’s been out..

But he doesn’t care. He steps to Sonic, Sonic turning from him coldly, still crying with tan arms hugged tight around himself..

He looks like he’ll knock Shadow’s lights out if he touches him..

Shadow reaches for him, taking note once again of the marks under his new inhibitor rings and hesitating..

He rests his hand on Sonic’s back and applies a gentle pressure to turn the hedgehog towards him, preparing for impact.

Rather than a fist to his face, he’s met with a hard and firm pressure to his gut.. but not painful.

Sonic immediately presses against him, curled up tight as he nuzzles into him and lets it all out. Falls apart. Shadow can only stand there and cradle him, hold him in his arms with wide eyes at his boyfriend’s heartbreak..

He hadn’t planned to be here for this.. that wasn’t the goal.. he wasn’t suppose to be here at all..

In your hospital bed I remember you said

But he is..

And he’s glad he is..

“I’m so sorry, Sonic..”

“D-don’t you ever do that a-again, Shadow the Hedgehog!” Sonic’s words come out hiccuped and croaked and messy, not caring as snot runs down his muzzle and tears stain his fur, “ I-I’ll kill you! ”

“I’m not going anywhere.. ever again..”

You were scared.

“I’m-m s-still pissed at you..”

“I know.”

And so am I.