#sexy of my parents to kick me out on my birthday if i'm not working at least 20 hrs a week

[hearthomelesbian]

y'all ever just *is directly hurt by family's actions and words* *is directly hurt by family's actions and words* *is directly hurt by family's actions and words* *is directly hurt b

[multiverseforger]

Fav game character

Tina and her parents were sold to Hyperion to become test subjects for Jack's slag mutation experiments, an event which led to the deaths of her parents. She escaped their fate using a grenade that she had hidden in her dress at her mother's insistence, and once she was free of Hyperion's reach she vowed revenge on the man that had sold her family: Flesh-Stick.

Involvement

Borderlands 2

Tiny Tina's demolitions expertise is called into action when a Hyperion supply train believed to be carrying a Vault key needs to be stopped. With that objective in sight, she then sets the Vault Hunters to the task of finding two rockets (which she refers to as 'badonkadonks') to carry a 'suicide'-bomber toy each, and then to set them on target.

Her collaboration with the Vault Hunters continues when she has them gather items and guests for a very special tea party. During the final mission Tina will contact the Vault Hunters and wish them luck in stopping Hyperion and even reads them a poem repeatedly telling the Vault Hunters to 'kill Jack'.

Mr. Torgue's Campaign of Carnage

Tina appears in a supporting role in Mr. Torgue's Campaign of Carnage. Initially she is hired by Mad Moxxi to help the Vault Hunters train prior to battling Motor Momma, but also asks their assistance in obtaining the autograph of her third favorite mass-murderer, Sully the Stabber, as well as walking her "puppy", a Badass Fire Skag named Enrique. She also provides commentary on many of the Vault Hunters' actions throughout the course of the DLC.

Tiny Tina's Assault on Dragon Keep

Tina takes on the role of the 'Bunker Master' for the game 'Bunkers & Badasses', where she is shown to be bad at this, by fumbling in such ways as creating impossible fights early on and not balancing the gameplay in certain areas. The real problems underlying Tina's mental state (at that time) start becoming more apparent as the player progresses, being obsessed with eating only crumpets and constantly trying to insert a manifestation of the now deceased Roland whenever she wants to, to the dismay of the other Vault Hunters. Tiny Tina's character develops over the course of the campaign and she learns to accept Roland's death.

Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel

Tina makes her first appearance during the game while Lilith was interrogating Athena, inviting the Vault Hunters to play another round of Bunkers and Badasses, but was turned down. Later, after Athena finishes telling her story, Tina introduces herself and requests Athena to tell a story about fighting a raid boss. As she had no idea what a raid boss was, she "came up" with a story about fighting one (in this case, the raid boss being an enhanced version of The Sentinel). After that, Tina requests Athena to tell the story of her working for Handsome Jack again.

Borderlands 3

At the time of Borderlands 3, Tina is presumed to be around 20 years old. She is still part of the Crimson Raiders B-Team along with Brick and Mordecai. The team is hired by Wainwright Jakobs to rescue his partner Sir Hammerlock, but after they fail to report back on their progress, Jakobs requests the Vault Hunter to go The Anvil to investigate setting up the story mission Hammerlocked. Tina's code name during the mission is 'Crunk Bunny'. Tina requests 'ingredients' for her 'Pizza' (bomb), composed of 'sauce' (nitroglycerin), 'onions' (wires) and 'ham' (a detonator). She then asks the Vault Hunter to deliver the pizza, which is to blow up the door to the structure where Hammerlock is being held. After successfully rescuing Hammerlock, she declares that the B-team's work is done and they leave Eden-6. Tina is found later on Devil's Razor back on Pandora, where she or Brick will give the mission Boom Boom Boomtown. She asks the Vault Hunter for help in winning back their new home and base of operations, recently named by Tina as "Boom Town", by fighting off COV that have been sneaking in thru a tunnel that Brick is keeping the COV locked inside.

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Appearances

Borderlands 2

Mr. Torgue's Campaign of Carnage

Tiny Tina's Assault on Dragon Keep

Commander Lilith & the Fight for Sanctuary

Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel

Borderlands 3

Quotes

"Come on iiiin, you are missing the Fuun!"

"All around the Sta-actus plant, the stalker chased the bandit, the stalker thought 'twas all in fun - POP! Goes the bandit!"

"Oh haiiii!"

"Roland told me you were comin' - I still owe him for all that buttcrap with General Rancid. So, you gotta hijack a train, hunh? Chiiild's play! Lemme introduce you to my ladies."

"Runnin', runnin', runnin', I'm runnin' over here, run, run, run-run, run."

"This here's Mushy Snugglebites, and this is Felicia Sexopants. These fiiiine-ass womens could stop that train for yas, but I'ma need their badonkadonks first, and they got stoled by the bandits a few days ago. Go get 'em!"

"Naptime!"

"That's right, bitches - my big brudder's about to teach you some MANNERS. Nobody steals Mushy Snugglebites' badonkadonk and lives!"

"That's Mushy Snugglebites' badonkadonk. She's my main squeeze. Lady's got a gut fulla' dynamite and a booty like POOOW!"

"Got the badonkadonks? Best day evaaaa. Bring 'em back here and I'll use 'em to make some fine-ass damsels who can hijack that train for yas."

"Hey I told ya'z to get outta heeya, get out or do I gotta shank a bitch?"

"Get-outta-my-shop-or-I'll-punch-yo-butt. That's-how-Tiny-Tina-roll."

"(Singing) Put a little bomb in the hot ass damsel, blow stuff up and make people die."

"I'm a little teapot, bloody and cut. Here is my handle and here is my butt.*explosion noise* Oops."

"Squishy. Squishy squishy squishy."

"Oh daaaaaayum, you lookin' good, ladies. Let's get to work."

That's right. Twin sisters, man. Hhhahhhhhh. Take 'em. Take 'em take 'em take 'em take 'em."

"Just put my damsels near the choo-choo track and set 'em off! Good plan? Great plan!"

"You're cordially invited BITCH!!!"

"When you are ready to begin the Tea-Party, please smack Mister Flesh Stick in his bitch face."

"Gonna eat so many goddamn crumpets, it's going to be a Crumpocalypse."

"Ten... Nine..." *launches rockets* "I got bored."

"BURN ALL THE BABIES!!!!!"

(Cute yawning noise)

"Make it RAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN!"

"Sup, sucka? It's Tina. I wrote you a poem and it goes a little somethin' like this BREAK IT DOWN. Ahem. Kill Jack. Kill Jack. Kill Jack kill Jack kill Jack KIIIILL JAAAAACK! Kill Jack. A poem by Tiny Tina."

"Climb the pipe to the train or you'll go insane wut wut. That's a rap song I wrote."

"Get some cookies, so you can eat 'em and grow up big and strong and kick Piston in the butt-butt."

"Real badasses eat chocolate chip cookies, I'ma gonna get that tattooed across my back in Old English font."

"Wait a minute. Those cookies weren't chocolate chip. Those...are...raisins. WHYYYYYY-HY-HYYYYY?! SHAWTY, DESTROY ALL THE FOOD DISPENSERS! WIPE THE RAISIN ABOMINATIONS OFF THE MAP! I JUST WANTED CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES! WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE?"

"Ohmygodohmygodohmygod. Do you know who just arrived in Beatdown? SULLY THE STABBER! He's my THIRD favorite mass-murderer in the ENTIRE WORLD! You HAVE to go get his autograph for me."

"Get his signature on this. Please. PLEASEpleasepleasepleasepleaseplease! If you don't get his autograph I'm gonna DIEEEEE. He's my favoritest. He killed every living person on the Bathymas with nothing but a rusty butterknife. If you don't take it I'm gonna start crying. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. [making a song out of it] oh-baby please please PLEASE! That was 'Please' by Tiny Tina with Vault Hunter on bass."

"He said...no? Well. There's only one thing to do -- look him in the eye, nod politely, and KILL THE LIVING CRAP OUT OF HIM!"

Commander Lilith & the Fight for Sanctuary

While idle

Some of the idle chats are mission related and can't be heard again once the mission in question is completed.

"You come up in my face, and you DON'T GOT BOMB PARTS, you KNOW I'm throwing hands."

"Oh, hello! I didn't see you there. I was just on an important mission to save my friends and AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE DOING THE SAME THING?!"

"Gonna go blat-blat-blat on the vine-freaks. \n Rat-tat-tat till their brain leaks. \n Chill, girl, just droppin' some bars. Go do the thing."

"I wanna shoot the cannon again! AGAIN! But Lil said no. BLEEPING CURSE WORDS!"

"You kiddos killed that butt-bot so, so good! (cackle) Butt-bot."

"Come on, Mordy. You got this! You gonna be all right."

"MORDY'S ALL BETTER AND ELLIE FIXED THE CAMP'S COFFEE MACHINE AND I CAN'T STOP YELLING ABOUT EITHER ONE OF THOSE THINGS!"

"Yo yo yo. You kill that vineyman up on vineyville yet?"

"I left some reeaaal sexy bombs back on Sanctuary. Oh, just thinkin' bout 'em... come on, think about 'em with me. Yeeeeeah. Together now. Hohhhhh."

"That. Was. The BIGGESTEST BOOM OF ALL TIME! Gotta give it to Lilly-of-the-valley, she knows how to kill a baddo in style."

"Seriously, though. Vaulty-Vault, you was there for me in the dark times. That's fo' life."

"So, just saying, it's probably my birthday, and you ain't got me nothing. Mini-moonshot cannon. Just wanna put that in your head."

Notes

The photo of Tina and Roland

She is introduced as an old friend of Roland's and she has a picture of them together in her room. Roland also mentions beforehand that, "I've saved her life a few times, and she has saved mine more times than I can count."

In Borderlands 2, there are a few unique weapons that are associated with Tiny Tina. These weapons include pink hearted camouflage and/or stuffed bunny image decals.

Teapot

Cobra

Boom Puppy

Tina's voice is performed by Ashly Burch, sister of Anthony Burch - lead writer of Borderlands 2. (The two are also a part of the web series Hey Ash, Whatcha Playin'?.) She is also credited with the voice of the cursed gun, Bane.

Tina has unusual gender-specific dialogue, referring to both male and female Vault Hunters as "girl". She also makes a number of sexual comments in an appreciative manner in regards the female members of her tea party, whilst during the Assault on Dragon Keep storyline she confesses to liking Maya in The Siren's invitation, asking if Maya likes her in turn. Additionally, her original motivation for helping the Vault Hunters train for Mad Moxxi was going to be due to her having a crush on Mad Moxxi.

Tina switches verbal mannerisms frequently. Her speech styles include a stereotypical inner-city American speech pattern, little girl speech patterns, stereotypically pretentious British English speech, to randomly violent and murderous speech, and others.

Trivia

There is an Easter egg related to Hey Ash, Whatcha Playin'? in the Mr. Torgue's Campaign of Carnage. On the back of Tiny Tina's bus is a pixel drawing of Papa Burch riding a unicorn from the HAWP episode 'Sleep Is Death'.

Roland recognizes her as one of the greatest demolitions experts on Pandora and a picture of the two can be seen inside of her home.

Tiny Tina is mentioned by Brick on a mission in Sawtooth Cauldron as he recalls carrying her on his shoulders as they fought together. In the end credits, it is shown that they worked together again in this manner cleaning out the remaining Hyperion forces.

ExotropiaTina has an intermittent exotropia (lazy eye) in her left eye. This was originally due to a glitch, but the developers enjoyed it, so they purposefully left it in. This has also passed on to Borderlands 3, as her left eye will occasionally twitch while talking.

In NowGamer, an interview revealed that there is part of a mission removed from the main game involving Tina. Originally, when telling of Roland's death, the players were to head out to Tiny Tina's home and tell her the sad news. It described her being deeply affected by it, thanking the players for telling her, asking them to leave, and locking herself in her workshop to mourn. Anthony Burch, lead writer and the source of this news, says they regret they could not include this scene into the game. It was supposed to be the only moment in the game she loses her peppy mania [1].

Her tea party place card is labeled "Lady Tina of Blowupyourfaceheim"

On May 24, 2013, Tina took over the @ECHOcasts Twitter (previously owned by Krieg).

Tiny Tina's parents have officially been confirmed dead as of the sixth episode of Inside the Box, entitled "Fart Jokes and Tragedy".

In the Commander Lilith & the Fight for Sanctuary DLC, Tiny Tina, Mordecai and Brick form a team simply named "The B-Team".

Tiny Tina refers to Brick as "Brick-papa" and Mordecai as "Mordy-mom". This is further mentioned when Brick says "Don't talk like that to your mom." to Tina.

It is revealed in Sheega's All That that Sheega is an ex-girlfriend of Tiny Tina.

ECHO logs in Devil's Razor reveal that Tiny Tina has dated multiple individuals, broke up with all of them, and staged a wedding to make money from the wedding gifts sent by her exes.

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[bestwishes86]

A snippet from "The Audition" leave comments and critiques

Best of Me : Book One – Moon

Chapter One – The Audition

    One Thousand is the number of head shots and resumes the thirty two year old director and her best friend and sister Luna had looked through for two days while drinking glasses of wine and smoking countless cigarettes. Together the pair had consumed nine bottles of something French before culling that number down to two hundred. Luna, the natural beauty with skin the color of green tea with too much milk in it had done the real leg work. Her fingers were numb from all the typing and retyping of all the names and seeing who had been used in prior work. Who had made 'experimental films' and who had nudes anywhere on the internet. Over dinner the pair had cackled like hens as they watched the films and decided whose penis was the best and whose was the worst.

    Any name they found was instantly rejected and the head shot and resume thrown into the shredder. Valentina longed for the day when these celebrity wannabes wised up enough to know.

    “Why give it away for free if someone will pay for it,”

    Barring those had swiftly brought the candidates list down. But then she was left with two hundred men who she had to pair with the two leading men of the Lakorn film movement, She looked at Luna, the milk tea goddess was dressed in one of her muscle bound husbands shirts which fit her like a dress two sizes too large. Her long thin legs draped across the arm of the brown leather couch while she was on the phone with the hotel they would use for the venue. The shirt, a white with black stripes button down complimented her skin and long, dyed ruby red hair which fell around her half halo face in waves.

    Valentina had born as a boy whose name was Kerrin. Kerrin had once been an actor in her early days in the business. She had been born a male, with a femininity that made her stand out from her all boy's school classmates. It had been this that caused them to tease her and hate her. But there was no denying that as a boy she had been sexy. Large doe eyes, high cheek bones, a small button nose and natural light skin the bravest boys would try and share her time. They would secretly be nice to her. It had confused her then because those same boys had been the ones to spit on her or call her names. Her sister Luna had suggested she try acting, since she could lie to their loving and caring parents about her time in school to the point they believed her. Why not? And she did.

    Soon her face as Kerrin was one many knew. The soap opera he starred in took off. Money came easy enough then. But she hated every second of it. Smiling for the camera, seeing that stranger's face where her's should be. It had been her wish back then to die. But instead she did the next best thing. She paid an obscene amount of money to a doctor who cut away any trace of Kerrin. It was painful the numerous surgeries, the days of bed rest, the rehabilitation. But what had hurt the worst was when she had gone to see her parents and they had hit and cursed her. Only Luna had defended her and called the man who at that time was named Perth who kicked in the door and beat her father while she lay on her side. Bleeding from where her father's foot had stomped on her head. This was the 2000's and plastic surgery wasn't what it is now, the damage done had called for another round of surgeries and this time Perth had paid for those. But two years later Valentina was born from the boy who never had been in love.

    “Val did you fall sleep with your eyes open again,” Luna's soft concern snapped her out of her revelry.

    “No just remembering Kerrin, sorry what were you saying,” Valentina asked looking at the empty bottle of wine and wondering if it was too late in the evening for food. Beauty came at a cost and for her it was the freedom to eat whenever she wanted. Standing at six foot without heels, her body was taut from hours in the gym daily, her breasts small and perky and her ass the shape of a healthy apple. She wanted to keep everything in the right place and the right shape.

    “Bond is coming tomorrow is that ok,” Luna asked again and Valentina nodded while internally cringing. Luna went back to the phone conversation while Valentina rose from the couch she had been sitting on and walked to the window like wall of glass that framed the loft apartment on one side. Her simple white dress flowed around her as if she were Sailor Moon which was secretly her spirit animal. Her hip length golden blond hair was styled in a similar manner and her eyes were reshaped to look Japanese instead Thai. She reached to the small end table made of glass and metal by her personal couch and picked up her rose gold Iphone and dialed the long password to the phone. Her work phone lay in her work bag, her personal phone was one that only two people had the numbers for. Luna and Titan. They were her friends and the only people she considered family. She tapped Titan's name long changed from Perth and put the phone to her ear as she watched the rain fall down on the city twenty stories below her.

    “Hello Beautiful, how was day drinking.” a deep yet soft voice teased her and she felt her eyebrows come together.

    “Terrible without my husband, how was your day? Bed any new costars or is it pop singers this year?” Valentina cooed back. The two had known each other since they were little boys, and he had been the only one besides Luna happy to meet Valentina.

    “A Gentlemen doesn't kiss and tell,” Titan said back without skipping a beat.

    “I'm sorry I must have the wrong number, I thought I was calling Titan the man who couldn't keep his pants up if they were sewn to his skin. Not a Gentleman, I will let you go then,” Valentina said and was surprised by her own tone of voice. The mere mention of the name Bond did this too her.

    “Whoa whoa who has got my wife in this state, I will break his legs,” Titan said with amusement but a serious undertone.

    “If only you had when you had the chance,' Valentina said and pressed her forehead to the glass.

    “What has Bond done now...?” Titan asked knowing instantly who she was thinking of.

    “Nothing yet, But you know Bond. He insists on attending the auditions tomorrow. Probably to scare away your future costar.”Valentina said calmer now that the cool glass was touching her skin. Maybe she had drunk too much on an near empty stomach.

    “I will be there.” Titan said and Valentina felt a smile cross her face. When they had been children Perth had always come to her aid. No matter how many boys had her cornered Perth would fight for her. Somethings never changed, even if she had.

    “No you won't you have costume fitting at the same time as the auditions,” Valentina reminded him as she moved back from the glass and switched over to speaker phone.

    “My measurements haven't changed in ten years. I will be there to keep Bond out of your hair like a good man should. Speaking of, have you been on any dates lately,” Titan asked the open air and Luna snorted sitting up at the sound of that question.

    “Excuse me...!?” Valentina asked shocked at the question.

    “Well neither of us are getting any younger my love and I worry that you're intentionally warding off men with your moods,” Titan explained and Valentina wanted to drop her phone and step on it. Perth had never cared if Kerrin had liked men or women, and made a point to find every boy in the school who preferred steak to chicken and bring them round. None met what he called Kerrin's standards when in all honesty each time it had hurt. Because all Kerrin had wanted was Perth. Now Valentina was nearing that time in her life where honesty and lies were almost the same thing. And still all she wanted was Titan.

    “Twenty years later and I still want to throttle you,” Valentina said through gritted teeth.

    “But you love me too much to do it, I know. But maybe you should share that love with someone who deserves it.” Titan said and there was no joking in his tone.

    “Is this because my birthday is coming up, the one we aren't celebrating,” Valentina asked feeling a rising sense of fear at the mention of it. Titan had always gone out of his way to make her birthday special. And it unnerved her the level of care and effort he put into them. Each year it gave her hope that he would kiss her and she knew that was a silly fantasy.

    “You only turn twenty nine 3 times, we agreed this year you become thirty. How can I not use some of the money I made starring in your shows to shower you with unwanted attention from people you believe hate you,” Titan sing songed and Luna giggled and Valentina shot her a death glare.

    “Fine Fine, I become Thirty and you and Luna get to see my youth wither and dry, is thirty too soon for menopause?”Valentina asked and all three laughed openly and all thoughts of Bond were forgotten.  

---

Valentina is inspired by the Thai transwoman - Blossum and Titan is inspired by Earth P

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

did I post anything yesterday NO was it because I was busy prepping for a halloween party YES but do I have updates? ALSO YEAH.

having said that: c-list saturday sunday #3: in which Jessie does some career planning

Jobs (pros and cons)

Go back to retail

Pros: ... money?

Cons: Everything else, CUSTOMER SERVICE, I will ice the first bitch who asks to speak to my manager, big big gap in my resume that they probably won't like, got fired from my last job for shoplifting and might have a record or something

Crafting

Pros: Work from home, pick my own hours, fun

Cons: Working from home, picking my own hours, gonna stop being fun if I have to do it to live

Seedy burger place where all the waitresses dressy up as skanky versions of heroes and villains

Pros: They might hire me on the spot for the clout, dressing up is fun, could meet new girl friends and start a girl gang? or just a girlfriend who's into costumes and weird shit

Cons: Customer service again, the guys who eat there are definitely pervs and if someone tries to grab my ass I'm definitely going to break his hand. Also there’s like a 50/50 chance they’ll tell me I’m too fat to work there even if I’m dressed up as MYSELF and my self esteem really can’t handle that right now

One-Eyed Polly's

Pros: Maud loves me, might get free drinks, FRIES, bartending is sexy, working nights might be fun and my sleep schedule is already boned anyway

Cons: Probably a lot of cleaning (ew), working nights might actually start to suck pretty fast, pretty sure a bunch of people there want to kick my ass

Keep being a supervillain

Pros: Easy money, great outfits, SO FUN, sexy, makes me feel alive, literally the only thing I can think about doing for the rest of my life without wanting to ice myself

Cons: Mercury, all of NEXT, could get arrested, having to work without Jonas, but maybe I can find a new partner? Or a bunch of partners? I could start a GIRL GANG. This is actually a pros list now!!

If you ignored that she’d started the day with two people stopping by her apartment and threatening her, Jessie had actually had a pretty good birthday.

Okay, sure, she hadn’t celebrated much, but she’d done her laundry for the first time in weeks and blown most of her remaining money on a trip to the grocery store. Sure, she was basically flat out of cash now, but everything still looked a little better when the cabinets were filled with food. She’d learned that lesson young, during the year between when Jonas moved and when he decided to move Jessie in with him. He had made a point of stopping by most weekends with a brown paper bag stuffed full of groceries specifically for Jessie, intent on making sure she could at least stay fed while she listened to their parents bicker.

What else? She’d taken a shower and washed her hair, finally, and even swept out the small bathroom. God only knew how so much glitter had ended up there, but it was all sitting in the dumpster now. She’d put on real pants for the first time in a hot minute and done her makeup to go shopping, ensuring that she would be the hottest bitch in the cheese aisle. After that she went to see about fixing Mrs. Hoang’s dishwasher, enjoying some shrimp cakes when she was done. Then she ran down to the second floor to see the nice college kids whose car she’d jump started back in the winter, asking if she could make some posters on their printer. They said yes, and even kindly refrained from asking her why the fuck she was printing up posters that said HENCHMEN WANTED.

By then it was getting late, so she made a lasagna and ran most of it back downstairs to the college kids, because they looked too skinny for their own good and they were definitely living on ramen noodles and weed. Jessie kept one slice to pick at herself, her appetite mostly ruined by the prospect of what came next.

Why, what came next?

Well, that was a trip to One-Eyed Polly’s that Jessie suspected was hardly going to be a glorious return. She had been away for - what, surely not the whole two and a half years? No, she’d definitely gone back once or twice to brag after her career as Frostbite took off. It had still been a long time though, because Jonas had insisted that holding themselves to a higher standard of crime included swearing off the kind of socializing that took place in their old neighborhood. This was where their father had come to try to get henching gigs, for fuck’s sake.

It was also, incidentally, where their mother had come to smoke and socialize even when she was nine months pregnant, which was why Jessie was stuck feeling permanently sentimental about a certain stall in the women’s bathroom. She hadn’t been all the way born there but it was where her mother’s water had broken, and that had to count for something.

Anyway. Jessie hadn’t been here in, oh, going on a year at least, and she’d spent even longer ignoring old classmates who tried to reach out to ask for a job or a little cash or whatever else they wanted; she usually had them blocked before she’d even finished fully reading their messages. You know, the same classmates who never moved out of their awful neighborhood or stopped drinking at this crappy wannabe bar? Those ones. They’d all be here, probably. And she definitely wasn’t nervous, no sir.

She most definitely didn’t notice a hush fell over the room when she walked in, like she was a stranger rolling into an untrustworthy town in some old stupid western. And she paid it absolutely no mind when the sound resumed a moment later in the form of a dozen whispered conversations, none of them sounding very kind or anything close to it. And it totally didn’t seem ominous that in the long, drawn-out moment between the two, in that giant gulf of silence, the worn out wooden floorboards had creaked extra loudly beneath her boot.

Nope, she wasn’t paying attention to any of that. She was keeping her chin up, eyes forward, walking like she owned the place and everyone else was lucky to be here, the same code of conduct she used whenever she was suited up on villain work. She almost wished had come in the full ensemble, since it made her feel like she was wrapped up in a combination security blanket and bulletproof vest, but she’d have to settle for the freeze ray being strapped very visibly to her thigh, which wasn’t quite a threat but also wasn’t not a threat.

It wasn’t like Jessie was trying to listen in on what anyone was whispering about her, because she definitely wasn’t, but if she was hypothetically trying to eavesdrop these were some snatches of conversation she might have heard:

“Lot of fucking nerve.”

“She still owes me twenty dollars.”

“Bitch.”

“Look what the cat dragged in.”

“Anyone seen Sub-Zero lately?”

“Did I tell you that she blocked me?”

“Get a load of those boots!”

And okay, sure, she’d worn the rhinestone ankle boots. Why the fuck shouldn’t she? And why shouldn’t she wear the blue leather jacket and the designer jeans that probably cost more than these people could make in a single paycheck? If people wanted to be petty and jealous, that was their problem.

Still, she was relieved to reach the bar and see an aging butch with eyes that could glass, polishing a glass and looking indifferent rather than angry.

“Hey, Maudie,” Jessie cooed, plopping herself onto a barstool. “Long time, no see. Your lungs okay?”

One of Maud’s bushy gray eyebrows jumped. “What the hell kind of question is that?”

Jessie waved a vague hand meant to encompass the overall entity of One-Eyed Polly’s. “You finally made people stop smoking in here. You always said that would only happen over your dead body, so I figured you must have had a close call.”

Maud snorted. “We had a scare. Turned out to be nothing, but Toni and Joyce took it hard. You know I can’t say no when they gang up on me.”

“Good for them,” Jessie said fondly. She was immensely fond of both of Maud’s partners, who were much more warm and fuzzy than their butch and twice and scary when they wanted to be. They were hardly ever seen in One-Eyed Polly’s, but that didn’t mean their word wasn’t still the law.

“Enough about me,” Maud said, as if it hadn’t been more than a year since they had seen each other. “What brings you here? Was the birthday girl hoping for a free birthday beer?”

Jessie was so relieved she could have melted right off of her bar stool. Surely Maudie couldn’t be that angry at her if she had remembered that today was Jessie’s birthday.

“Honestly? I wasn’t gonna say anything if you didn’t. But since you offered, sure. I wouldn’t mind a bottle of your finest horse piss.”

Maud rolled her eyes, unamused into perpetuity, and produced the bottle with exactly zero flourishes or aplomb. Jessie made a production of it anyway, making a show of unscrewing the cap and making an elaborate toast to her bartender. The beer wasn’t good, exactly, but it did taste a little like something finally going right. Out of respect, and also a slightly desperate desire to be less sober, she drank it all before continuing the conversation.

“So, I have a favor.”

Maud’s face was unchanging. “Color me surprised.”

“Calm down, it’s nothing big. I was just wondering if I could hang up a few of these?”

Jessie offered the question up with baby-soft innocence, sliding her eye-catching blue posters across the table like she did this all the time. Judging by the look on Maud’s face, Jessie may as well have killed a squirrel and dropped that on the bar instead.

“I’m assuming your brother doesn’t know about these,” Maud said, voice low and tight.

Jessie tried to smile around gritted teeth. “Maybe he does. Does it matter? I’m a grownup. I can hire henchpeople if I want.”

“You might not get a lot of takers.”

“I’m sorry, did that also change while I was gone? Is this not where supervillains go recruiting anymore?”

“No, baby girl. I mean you might not get a lot of takers. You specifically.”

“Oh,” Jessie said, realization dawning. “Because everybody hates me, you mean. Well, it still can’t hurt to try, right? Pretty please?”

Maud sighed heavily. “I sure as shit can’t stop you, if that’s what you want to do. Just be careful, alright? Here, I’ll have the new girl hang ‘em up around the place. Tash?”

This last was directed towards the door that led to the kitchen (a cramped and delightful space, ruled over by a fry cook who loved his job and made such good fries that everyone was willing to overlook the unfortunate superpower that made him absolutely irresistible to rats), and a moment later was answered by a compact woman with a scowl that rivaled Maud’s. There were any number of things about this woman that Jessie might have noticed, hungry for detail and ready to pass judgement as she invariably was, but one thing stood out above all others:

They had met before, but she hadn’t been Tash then. She’d been Glimmer, the teleporting thief who infamously ran circles around every cop in Crown City. To say that Jessie was a fan of her work would be putting it extremely mildly; she’d been fully subscribed to Glimmer’s Sponzo account and paying cash money to watch live streams of her heists.

(How cocky was that!! Extremely sexy, tbh!!)

“Holy shit,” Jessie said, delighted. “Glimmer?”

“Oh, fuck me,” Glimmer said back, real horror on her face. “What the hell do you want?”

think I might have an exciting new way to finish a writing project (it's peer pressure)

[portugalisinsa]

Telling my Friend, Who Still Hasn't Watched Gotham, All About S03E13 (and Why I Haven't Told Her Anything Else)

Me: So let's start with something neither of us gives a shit about: Catwoman.

--------------------------------

Me: Selina is quite reasonably angry about her mother abandoning her when she was five or something. I posit that if she was this annoying when she was five then I kinda see where her mother comes from, but understanding is not condoning and all that.

--------------------------------

Me: And you think, okay, so this boring dribble about her being angry about her mother abandoning her is going to be her plot for the season, I see, I hate it but it's not like I was really paying attention when she happened anyway. However, you'd be wrong, because two scenes later Bruce says "being an orphan sucks" and she discovers that her mother had a box full of things that reminded her of Selina, so she's instantly forgiven.

Friend: ...Then what was the point of this?

Me: I have no idea. My theory is that somebody told the writers "no, there's always drama when people find their estranged parents, so we must have this" and the writers were like "ugh, FINE, here's your stupid DRAMA".

--------------------------------

Me: Alfred has a crush on Selina's mother. There's nothing much to say other that it's embarrassing for everyone involved, most of all the audience.

--------------------------------

Me: Done with that, let's go on with the next completely useless drama: Lee. I'm pretty sure she didn't see her husband running towards her with a knife for reasons too unlikely to explain, so she's pretty angry at Gordon for killing him. Which is understandable, I'm not saying it isn't, but does it warrant her causing a scene in front of the entire GCPD in which she calls out Gordon? Wouldn't a call have sufficed?

Friend: Imagine being part of the crowd and seeing that, though, it must have been amazing.

Me: Oh yeah, I assume someone was passing the pop-corn.

--------------------------------

Me: So you think, oh, this must be her plot for the season, right? Well you would be wrong.

Friend: Jesus christ, does it get solved the next scene too?

Me: No, the next scene has her and Falcone posing while discussing how they both hate Gordon and he must die.

--------------------------------

Me: By the way, I never told you about Zsasz, I think, so very quickly: he's awesome. He's a hitman, but I swear to god I can't understand who the fuck he's working for. He was very loyal to Falcone the first season, but then he was taking orders from Penguin, then from Ed, then from Falcone again. I assume he's freelance, but in my heart he works in a waffle house. He also usually works with a crowd of leather-clad women who are apparently called 'the Zsaszettes'. As I said- fucking awesome.

--------------------------------

Me: Lee then talks to Barnes, you know, I Am The Lawwwwwww, to ask him about the virus. I have no idea why she doesn't ask Mad Hatter, the guy who actually infected him, but whatever.

Friend: Maybe because he's a fucking hypnotist.

--------------------------------

Me: Barnes is all "no, I totally like killing and I want to do it forever" and Lee is like "that instantly makes me change my mind" and sends her to Falcone to beg him to spare Gordon. Falcone thinks nostalgically of times gone by, when people angered the mafia and their bodies ended up in a barrel of acid with no 'ifs' or 'buts': then he remembers he's the kind of idiot who had a woman who wanted to kill him and get his criminal empire tortured rather than killed, and brainwashed the right hand of the aforementioned woman because, I don't know, there's no person who knows how to keep a club who also hasn't tried to betray him, I guess, and spares Gordon.

--------------------------------

Me: So thus concludes another one-season-plot in one single episode. In my mind, an image of the writers mumbling "there, you have your fucking former-lover drama now, you happy now? Are you being entertained?! ARE YOU, YOU LITTLE SHITS?!" appears.

--------------------------------

Me: On to Nygmobblepot. Edward has disappeared, leaving a guy who looks a lot like Draco Malfoy behind. Penguin, no longer the most Slytherin guy in the room, pouts.

--------------------------------

Me: Then this woman appears and she's all "come on my show, so you will be revealed as a horrible person in front of the whole US and be ruined forever."

Friend: ...I see at least two problems there.

--------------------------------

Me: Okay, so, long story, I never told you about Penguin's father, but basically he was this nice guy who met Penguin when he was reformed, and he was the best, and he was married with a wicked woman and her two children, another wicked woman and a guy who I honestly kind of loved, he was too dumb to be malicious in his dickery and I think he actually wanted to pounce Penguin. Like, in a sexy way.

--------------------------------

Me: -he made her eat her children, then chopped off her head and mounted it somewhere in the mansion where I think it still is

Friend: God I love Penguin

--------------------------------

Me: His father appears and he's like "beware the birthday boy", and I was like 'the birthday boy better not be Edward, because 'Edward' has way fewer syllables than 'birthday boy''. Then it turns out the birthday boy was Draco Malfoy, and I was like "oh, okay, he just had no idea what was his name, got you".

--------------------------------

Me: The woman now goes "be ready, mr Cobblepot, the world is watching". Somehow, that is not supposed to be a joke.

Friend: Why the fuck would the world care about an interview to the mayor of some city? Do they translate it for other countries? Are you telling me that, in Gotham's world, Japan is watching the interview to the mayor of Modena?

--------------------------------

Me: We then discover this was all a plan by Edward to... something something ruin Penguin in front of the people.

Friend: ........I still see at least one glaring flaw in this plan.

--------------------------------

Me: My main problem with this is, I'm pretty sure that's what counts as an April Fools in Edward's world. Like, tell me stealing the corpse of Penguin's father and then hiring a shapeshifter to be the father's ghost and make Penguin slowly lose his mind and kill a random person isn't Edward's version of sticking a 'kick me' sign on his back.

--------------------------------

Me: So that was a couple of episodes ago. Now you might be wondering, what happened after that? The answer is, I only have a vague idea, because I don't really care to find out.

Friend: Oh? Why?

Me: Well, Gordon's and Harvey's plot was that there's a group of people who want to bring Jerome back to life, so I'm now debating whether I care enough about Nygmobblepot to suffer through Jerome. The answer is, I don't. God, I so don't.

--------------------------------

Me: I just, look, ignoring the fact that I don't like him as a character- I saw some gifs of Jerome in the following episodes, alright, and apparently it was him trying to make Bruce kill someone, and for fuck's sake, if I have to live through another fucking villain that wants to destroy the hero's ideology I will punch a fucking puppy.

--------------------------------

Me: The truth is that Christopher Nolan ruined us. He made his Batman movies, and now villains are too fucking fancy to just want to kill people with a big laser. What is wrong with wanting to take over the world? What's wrong with wanting to kill the hero with a rock? Big rocks are good. There's no shame in being practical.

[heartofheir]

Psst. You know why I'm here. Do eeeeet. :3c

fcuk

1,2 3 and 10 are done! :D

4: Do you find it easy to trust others?not really lmao

5: What were you doing at 11PM last night?knitting and listening to the off topic podcast

6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you?my dogs and @themysteriousballetanon 7: What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on?lie down on the floor, cry and than kick their ass8: Are you close with your dad?kinda, we are both have the same kind of humour and personality which is p cool 

9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right?ye i smooch my doggos when i got bk from work last night

11: You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it?coffee, its got some water in it so ill be fine

12: Do you like hickeys?ye

13: What time do you go to bed?5:30am oops

14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down?ya

15: Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both?nah im quicker with both hands ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

16: Do you always answer your texts?yea unless i forget or fall asleep 

17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for?Y U P

18: When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?yesterday; we all went to the beach it was top notch

19: Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them?my dogs and my siblings even though they are all little shits

20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?probs something about being tired af

21: Is anyone else in the room with you?i hope not….

22: Do you believe what goes around comes around?i guess?

23: Were you happier four months ago than you are now?nope

24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with?i think so

25: In the past week, have you cried?yea

26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing?maroon

27: Do people ever call you by your last name?yea a variation of it that i cant say cause i dont wanna give my last name out to the interwebs lmao

28: Is anyone ignoring you right now?possibly 

29: Do you have a best friend?yea kinda

30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed?nope

31: Who was your last call/text message from?my manager telling me what time i start work tomorrow 

32: Are you mad at anyone?i dont get mad i just get tired™

33: Have you ever kissed someone older than you?yea

34: How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday?21

35: How many more days until your birthday?im not doing math go away

36: Do you have any summer plans yet?nope just working alot r.i.p me

37: Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex?ye! :D

38: Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now?yup one of them doesnt even know im gay lmao

39: Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone?ye

40: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?kinda?

41: Do you think age matters in relationships?if theres a giant age gap than yea it does

42: Are you available?nope! :D

43: How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended?no idea my dude

44: If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get?so many!! i wanna get an industrial, another helix ring, maybe my tongue, nipples lol, belly button and my second lot of normal ear piercings plus alot more ear ones

45: Do you believe exes can be friends?it can be awkward af but yea

46: Do you regret anything?lots of things lmao

47: Honestly, what’s on your mind right now?im running out of mango ice tea :(

48: Did you ever lose a best friend?yea 

49: Was your last kiss a mistake?yes and no?

50: Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like?she already said yes! (miraculously) 

51: Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry?yep

52: Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed?he was an ass to me last time we spoke so no

53: What was the last thing you ate?i got one of the chefs at work to make me gnocchi it was delicious 

54: Did you get any compliments today?nope but one of my new coworkers last night said i was really good at my job!! :O

55: Where are you going on your next vacation?no where so far, but one of my friends wants to go to rottnest at some point though

56: Do you own anything from other countries?ye! my auntie went to france and brought me bk a really pretty kitty mask not a furry lol

57: Are most of your friend guys or girls?i guess its even but more so guys

58: Where have you lived most of your life?i use to travel around when i was younger but now ive been in the same spot for 10 years I NEED TO L E A V E

59: When was the last time you took a long drive?i wasnt the one driving but it was when i was a babby and we drove from my hometown to perth took us 5 hours

60: Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?nope

61: Have you ever TPd someone’s house?nah but our house was tomatoed once

62: Who do you text the most?it changes all the time

63: What was the last movie you saw?moana! i loved it!!

64: What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex? i dont actually know

65: How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2011?none

66: Is the last person you kissed younger than you?nope

67: Do you curse around your parents?not on purpose it just slips out

68: Are you happy with where you live?nope

69: Picture of yourself?

70: Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships?im a jealous hoe so just monogamous

71: Have you ever been dumped?no

72: What do you most like about making out?i dont think a guy being like a mcfucking vacumn cleaner counts as making out so i wouldnt know

73: Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with?yes but again i dont think it counts as making out

74: When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other?i just go ‘fuck it' and do it (but only if i know they cool with it)

75: What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive?hands and backs, also necks

76: Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed?a friend i use to go to school with

77: Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour?nah

78: Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name?nope

79: What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face?pickup lines im a sucker for them

80: Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already?ye! i loves kids

81: Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you?yea

82: Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush?nope 

83: Do you miss your last sweetie?fuck no

84: Last time you slow danced with someone?MCFUCKING YR 9 there was this guy who liked me since yr 7 and me and him were both in dance class at school and OF COURSE the dance teacher put us together for the slow dance performance i left dance and moved to drama cause it just got way too uncomfortable 

85: Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met?ye! im dating a furry from the internet

86: How can I win your heart?you already have ;0

87: What is your astrological sign?cancer! karkat

88: What were you doing last night at 12 AM?the same thing i was doing at 11pm

89: Do you cook?ye but i tend to set things on fire

90: Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication?ye

91: If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship?i dont have to wish :D

92: Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly?id prefer a monogamous relationship

93: What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?not a clue my dude

94: Name four things that you wish you had!more garlic bread from work (we make the BEST gb), mango ice tea, unlimited wifi and a phone that can actually work

95: Are you a player?of games, yes; of people, no

96: Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day?nope

97: Are you a tease?ive been told i am but i dont mean to lmao

98: Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr?i saw @miss--kiwi yesterday at work and than she was mean 2 me even after i gave her gb :

99: Have you ever been deeply in love with someone?what even is love

100: Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with?id date the FUCK outta @themysteriousballetanon 

101: Hugs or Kisses?both! oxox

102: Are you too shy to ask someone out?normally yes but sometimes ill have a rare moment of bravery lmao

103: The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?height

104: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?may or may not be a kink for me LMAO

105: If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in relationship, would you go for it?fuck no

106: Do you flirt a lot?i have no idea how so sometimes ppl think im flirting when im being friendly, or think im being friendly when im flirting

107: Your last kiss?sometime in September in the back of a car with a VACUUM APPARENTLY 

108: Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2012?nope

109: Have you kissed anyone in the past month?only my doggos cause they deserve all the kisses

110: If you could kiss anyone who would it be?my girlfriend even though im not into kissing furries :3c

111: Do you know who you’ll kiss next?my dogs and hopefully teanii

112: Does someone like you currently?i would hope my gf does 

113: Do you currently have feelings for anyone?ye!! :D

114: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?flings really arent that great

115: Ever made out with just a friend?ye

116: Are you happier single or in a relationship?i thrive off affection so id prefer a relationship

117. you didnt give me a question to answer and ur asleep rn so imma use this spot to say ur a gotdamn cutie