#sexy ass nations produce great football

[formulavroom]

watching spain vs italy after having to watch england for 90 mins was truly healing

[fmlfpl]

Lineup Lamentations - GW10

Our Transfers, Captains, and Starting 11s for the week.

WALSH

TRANSFERS:

N/A

I'm saving. It looks fucking ugly on paper, but I don't want to take a hit and I should be able to get 11 out even with the Kane injury. It's not a good eleven, mind, but it's something. I don't want to do anything drastic by jerking in Arsenal player(s) when they have those shit fixtures after Swansea. Poch lies, so I have truly no faith that Kane will make it back for Palace, but with the lack of obvious alternatives I'm going to just hold steady. I also have extremely good defensive fixtures next week which would help cover if he is out again. A problem, or potential problem, for another day.

GK:

Bob Elliot, aka the best value goalkeeper in the game, goes this weekend. I have already begun bracing myself for his 2 pointer off 0 saves and 1 goal conceded to get outscored by Foster who will probably make about 10 saves in an assfucking. Yay.

DEF:

Yikes. Assuming Kane misses out and Poch isn't doing a grade A troll job I'm going to be stuck with 4 at the back, yet again, and it doesn't look so great. Jones is set on auto start, nothing to see there.

My new best friend Lewis Dunk off the back of a tidy clean goes again for me in a wonderful fixture with the shit ass Saints rolling up to the Amex. Still fancy a goal for him is coming soon. Kill for this weekend.

SWard has a tidy fixture and looks a good bet for a clean against a team seemingly as toothless as Southampton in Rafa's boys. Go on lad.

Finally, and most shit, I have a 50/50 call between Naughton and Franno for the last spot. I've settled on Franno. I think he's a better chance for a 1 pointer than Naughton. They'll be insanely parked but Arsenal should rip them apart. Naughton feels a good card shout this game too, especially if he is forced to be deployed OOP on the left. At least Franno is home. Fuck me.

MID:

Salah stays. The Cout news is fucking shit because if Danny plays then Liverpool will probably struggle and be shit as they have generally been whenever Danny has played and he pushes Bob out wide. Anyway, I was gonna cap Salah, but now I am not going to do.

New double City friends Razzy and Dilva go. A bit concerned whether Raz will play or not, and it will depend on whether Pep wants him for this game or for the Napoli game. I don't think he'd be able to make both after 120 midweek. Hopefully he wants him for West Brom because FPL > but who knows. Woo.

Finally, I am again forced to start Dalebert Stephens lad. I told you it wasn't pretty. Hoping for a 3 pointer here, and I will be addressing Chalobah next week most likely with my two frees so I can stop being fucked here and permanently plant Dalembert on my bench where the boy belongs.

FWD:

Just two amigos up top with Harold's death. Jesus & Morata. Fingers crossed. Nothing more to do.

CAP:

Listen. I say a lot of fucking things. We have a pod, I talk, Alon talks, and I feel different things in different moments. That said, I'm rolling dice this weekend and sticking my cap on Jesus.

He's started every away League game so far and I think it's his turn at WBA based on recent team sheets. He could well be on the wing with Kun, which wouldn't be great but still fine, or he starts lone with Kun being rested for Napoli at home where he would have a nicer time of breaking the City scoring record at the Etihad instead of in the Midlands fucklands. Or...he is on the bench again. I don't know. I don't love it, and it doesn't feel fantastic, but I have 0 faith in Morata based on how he has looked since returning from injury and I don't want to cap Salah with the chance that Sturridge plays and they are shitty going forwards.

I gave a brief glance at Silva since at least we know he will feature for at least 70 but he doesn't explode and I want explosion potential in my cap. 

Huuuuuge captaincy diff and an admittedly huge punt as he fucked so many people last week and he's on the verge of double price dropping. It's not "smart" at all, and I wouldn't really feel comfortable advising others to cap him but it feels right for me right now with my team. Gonna go for it.

ALON

TRANSFERS

OUT: Everyone (wildcard)

IN: Everyone else (wildcard)

Wildcard strips years off of my life. It’s the constant tinkering, fighting the mad scientist punt merchant within me, and running circles of logic into the ground so deep that when they come out the other side I can’t remember how I got into’em in the first place. Fuck! And then the Kane news this morning waking up to that was just the opposite of morning wood. Morning fucking pain in my fucking ass. Rethink everything, rip up everything, all of this work is MEANINGLESS fit of rage and panic yada yada yada... That’s all before coffee...

After some good talks with Walsh, naturally, Scott, tempebug, duh, and Producer Nate, I calmed back down and settled with roughly the same 15 man team that I had prior to the Kane news, with Lacazette swapped in for Harold (and the money in the bank for a future swap back). I’ll go more into detail on the picks but for now here’s the full 15 man squad with the bench guys in parentheses:

 - de Gea, (Elliot)

 - Jones, Alderweireld, Daniels, Duffy/Dann rotation for fourth spot

 - Sané, Silva, Salah, Richarlison, (Loftus-Cheek)

 - Aguero, Lacazette, (Ayew)

GK:

Welcome to the team DDG and welcome to the end of Manchester United’s cleans/solid defense. I’m probably kiss of deathing him here but damn he’s good and United are cleaning everybody in the league at the moment. Fixture proof legend. If I was smart and good and somehow started the season w/ DDG over my run of fucking nightmare keepers I’d be hundreds of thousands of places higher then where I am currently ranked. So it feels pretty good to just get the guy in and never think twice about GK again.

Elliot as my backup is fine. I toyed with some Pereira lineups just to bank the money I’ve gained with Elliot and save money on GK spot since I’ll never in any world start Bob over DDG but having a starting guy is just safer and smarter. Say DDG gets suspended or hurt or I want to bench boost - those are huge differences if I have fodder vs. an actual starter in the squad.

DEF:

It all starts with Jones my fucking GW1 lover I’m so happy to still see your fucked up face in my team you fucking titter. Start every week don’t even think about it for one second.

I lost my balls and didn’t stick with my double Spurs defense that I shouted on the pod. Lineup Lambs panic center... At least I kept half of the Belgian national squad in with Toby though. I had Sanchez in there because I think he’s fucking awesome and he’s good on bones but the fact of the matter is Sanch is the odd man out if they switch to a back four for certain fixtures or due to injuries or whatever. Toby and Vert are the pillars of that team and I love their fixtures from a clean-sheet perspective. And their defense has just been outstanding all season.

New tinker in right this second as I’m panicking is long time friend of the pod Circus Charlie Daniels. I needed money to make my panic jilting move of Jesus to Kun so I sacrificed Vertonghen to get there. Chaz is great, attacking returns always on the docket, and their fixtures after Chelsea this week are fucking INSANE start every week levels: new, HUD, swa, BUR, SOT, cpl... Though this week I’ll start RLC over him most weeks it’ll be Circus in there.

Lastly Walsh has been pushing Brighton for a while now on the pod and look who comes through for him on his -8; it’s Dunk and Brighton. I love the shout and when Walsh is this headstrong on something for FPL I tend to believe it. It’s either the truest thing of FPL life or it’s going to be an actual train wreck nightmare. But I believe that it’s the former. Duffy is just slightly better then Dunk at everything - attacking, bonus, that kind of shit, so it’s worth the 0.1 for me on wildcard.

For rotation I went with Dann to backup my defenders. Brighton only have a few bad fixtures in the next WHILE and Palace lines up nicely with them. Dann nailed and always a shout for a goal in any fixture. Solid bench guy who rotates well with attacking potential is all that I need to know.

MID:

Salah hasn’t left in a long time and he will not do. While Mane gets injured and Phil gets injured and other guys are already injured and Pool’re losing to Spurs and everything feels bad in this moment - Salah is the ray of light. On a run of MoTM performances paired with good FPL returns and pens. Need I say more???

Went with Sané and Silva as my city double up. I have soooo much value tied up in Dilva it’s unreasonable at this juncture to ditch him for Raz or Sané or Kev or whatever. He’s fantastic and his stats are fucked up good and he’s nailed. That’s a hold... Sané over Sterling I just like the fact that since Pep/City have changed to a 4-3-3 and rolling teams over Sané has been nailed and been fucking INCREDIBLE. I think he’s ahead of Raz right now and a teeny bit more nailed on as he’s the only (arguable) natural winger in the entire squad. He’s just soooooo good fucking hell. Get the fuck in.

Richarlison was a tidy little transfer by me last week to fuck off Brady and get that done. He comes right in and returns me points and gains me value... Wow great friend of the pod Richarlison.

For my 4.5 du jour I’m going flair with RLC. He’s not nailed to that’s scary but I want to start this guy this week and bench Circus Charlie vs. Chelsea so RLC home to Hammers is actually good and I can see a return there. RLC is better then Tom Carroll at actually everything to do with football so hopefully WOY gets it right and puts him right into the starting 11.

FWD:

Harry fucking Kaaaaa---- errrrrrrrr. Alexandre fucking Lacazette!!!!!!! It doesn’t have the same DONGFEST ring to it but you know he isssss sexy you cannot deny this. It’s funny he plays 90′ first week of the season and hardly comes close since. Weird. My talk with Producer Nate resident Arsenal specialist made me feel a little bit better about him though even in the tough fixtures with City and Spurs coming up. Maybe Wenger has just been protecting him / building him up for the big ones. There should at least be some space and shit in those. Let’s see what happens. Start me off right Laca plzzzzzzzzz!!!!!

I just jilted Gab Jesus at the Lineup Lambs altar. Fuck it. The 4-3-3 is in for City and to me that means Jesus spells Kun and not the other way around. Even though for this week Gab is probably a better shout with Kun off of 120′ midweek, I think that long term Kun is going to be the guy and maybe be a captain shout where Gab usually really is not... So Kun is in. All hail. Let’s go. It’ll be fun / funny to see this crash and burn with the inevitable benching and Jesus haul this gameweek. Whatever. Life sucks.

For the bench I didn’t want to go with fodder here with City rotation risks and as we talked about on pod having a good bench going towards the fixture pileup is always handy. I got Ayew - cheapest nailed human - who’s actually been playing kinda well as far as FPL returns go lately. He hasn’t missed a minute this season (actual) so just get in brother of Andre and do the thing. Cometh the hour.

CAP:

Laca. It’s time. The three amigos up top for Arsecast are real and home to a battered Swansea maybe they can put 5+ in the back of the net again. Bad fixtures coming up but at least City and Spurs will play football and not park a bus, might be sleeper ok for Laca in those (shoutout Nate). Tit me Wenger. Tit me.

[mvalleefootball-blog]

Pats Outlast Bucs: A Road Trip to Tampa

By Michael Vallee

A friend of mine likes to say, “Once is a fluke, twice is a trend”.  With that in mind my friends and I say set out last week on our second consecutive Patriots road trip, making this officially a tradition.  Last year’s inaugural trip was to the depressing dystopian waste land also known as Buffalo, so we were definitely expecting an upgrade with this year’s destination: Tampa, Florida.

Takeoff:  The Buffalo trip was a ground affair, which meant 16 hours round trip driving across the tediously boring 1-90 corridor (actually 12 hours if you have a friend that thinks he’s Al Unser).  This year we were traveling by air, and since I don’t travel for work, that meant getting reaquainted with the joys of post-9/11 air travel.  

This did not begin well, as I missed my early morning flight, sort of.  In the “old” days missing a flight meant you were sprinting thru the airport like O.J. Simpson (sorry but there just aren’t any other airport running references) and arriving at your gate at 7:32am for a 7:30am flight.  I “missed” my flight by arriving 40 minutes before takeoff only to be informed, in the most robotic and unpleasant way possible, that bag check ends 45 minutes before takeoff.  Apparently the size of my luggage represented a threat to national security so my bag could not be carried on.  Luckily there was another flight leaving 30 minutes later for Philadelphia with enough time to spare to meet my friends for the connecting flight to Tampa.  Whew.  

One layover, two flights and three bags of pretzels later we deplaned from the claustrophobic hell that is coach in the 21st century and set foot in the state that provides the internet with 90% of it’s NSFW content, Florida.

Tampa:   Arriving from the northeast and setting foot into the Florida sun conjures up one simple word - sweltering.  The heaviness of the humidity hits you like a bag of bricks.  Which is so Florida.  Whether you are in the theme-park laden area of Orlando, the redneck panhandle or the art deco social mecca that is Miami, Florida is not exactly a state that hides who it is.  It takes all of one 30 minute ride from the airport to our hotel in Clearwater, to get an immediate sense of what much of this area is all about.  

The tackiness.  The palm trees.  The touristy stuff.  The chain restaurants.  The pink buildings.  The Tampa area is like a sexy strip mall.  In one location you can pick up your prescription at CVS, grab some groceries, then get your nipples pierced, grab another lower back tattoo and, if there’s time, maybe pick up some fake breasts.  It is cheesy Florida convenience at its finest.  And Florida is nothing if not convenient.  Not only is there some form of a gas station, pharmacy, fast food or grocery store on virtually every block but they are all open 24 hours.  Literally nothing closes.  Outside of the weather it might be the single biggest difference between Tampa and Boston.

The chain restaurants are all those ones that you’ve never actually seen anywhere in the Boston area.  Places like, Sonic, Little Caesars and Long John Silvers, low rent fast food that, for people like me, only exists in bad commercials.  The chain restaurants did, however, provide temporary relief from the not-so-subtle pastel decor of Florida.  It’s everywhere.  We saw a yellow stucco building that had “Internal Revenue Service” written on the front.  It almost seemed like somebody randomly threw those letters on the front of the building as part of some elaborate hoax.

As we get closer to Clearwater the roads are inundated with bad motels.  You know, those one-story types that look like they rent by the hour and on their signs openly boast about “clean rooms” and “cable”.  If you stay at a place that brags that its rooms are clean you’re probably in for a disappointing stay.  There was a time in college where I could see my friends and I sleeping six to a room in one of those places.  Thankfully on this trip we were driving right past those hell holes for our weekend headquarters:  Shephard’s Beach Resort.

It’s a quick turnaround after we check-in.  The Red Sox are beginning their postseason that afternoon so we head out to a sports bar near Raymond James Stadium to pregame before the New England Patriots and Tampa Bay Buccaneers square off on Thursday Night Football.

The Game:  On the way to the bar we hit bad traffic.  It’s early so it’s not so much game day traffic as it is Tampa traffic, brought on by the city’s desire to seemingly place as many traffic lights on its highways as possible.  Route 60 is Tampa’s answer to Route 9 in Massachusetts.  If you don’t get the reference consider yourself one of the lucky souls that doesn’t have to frequent one of the most annoying traffic-laden roads in America.

We eventually arrive at our sports bar of choice: The Winghouse Bar and Grill.  Unfortunately the Boston hostile takeover was in full effect with every drunken Patriots fan down for the game descending upon the Winghouse like it was the only place in Tampa serving food.  This left us staring at a 1 to 2 hour wait.  They won’t even let us in to drink.  But wait, this is Tampa, if you can’t go to the party, the party comes to you.  In an attempt to cater to its many waiting customers the Winghouse has whipped up a makeshift bar outside where everybody is welcome to drink in the parking lot and watch the outdoor TVs.  Apparently Tampa’s open-container laws are slightly more lax than they are in Boston.

The Winghouse is your typical T & A sports bar, one of those places where hot scantily clad chicks serve you beer and bar food and have subtle names like “Twin Peaks”.  We found this fitting considering the Tampa/Clearwater area is home to the original Hooters.  Aah, nothing like a little culture to spice up the neighborhood.  The Winghouse though seemed to have a slightly different interpretation of the T & A sports bar with more of an emphasis on the A than the T.  They were like Hooters’ trashy cousin.

After watching the Sox get hammered, next it was off to Raymond James Stadium, home of the perennially disappointing Tampa Bay Bucs.  If first impressions matter the Buccaneers were not off to a good start as the first thing that greets you is a massive and incredibly lame billboard that had “SIEGE THE DAY” written across it.  Amateur hour.  

Unfortunately this theme continues throughout the game as we are hit with a relentless onslaught of nonsense.  Raffles, games, in-game Instagram pictures, cartoon car races, four day old highlights, anything and everything to remind you that the Buccaneers don’t think their fans are real football fans but rather the equivalent of toddlers that need constant distraction and stimulation to enjoy the game.  I was all but waiting for them to dangle a set of plastic toy car keys on the jumbotron in between plays and drop an oversize baby mobile over the field during timeouts.  The whole thing reeked of desperation, as if the entire game presentation was produced by a used car salesman.  It was less like an NFL game and more like a county fair.

Almost all of these distractions were introduced on the jumbotron by this chick that, as the game progressed, slowly became the most annoying woman in the world.  A couple of videos to entertain the masses is one thing, but I swear she must have appeared in 40 videos featuring all this pointless crap.  By the time the game ended it was almost impossible not to have developed an irrational hatred of this poor girl who was guilty of nothing more than having a really, really lame job.

A lot of the stuff seemed random, like repeatedly showing us a picture of some ex-Buc with a bad mustache named Paul Gruber.  But, as it turns out, this might not have been random at all as Gruber is a member of the Buccaneers Ring of Honor, and at halftime they were inducting former owner Malcolm Glazer into this elite and hallowed group.  Someday I can tell my grand kids I had a front row seat to one of the great days in Tampa sports history.

One thing that was not random but rather was disturbingly permanent was this:

Yup, those are bonafide male cheerleaders at an NFL game.  I would love to know the thought process that went into this decision.  “Hey guys we need something to appeal to our audience which consists largely of men age 10-70, any ideas?”  “I’ve got it, we add male cheerleaders to the sideline, that should keep the fans coming back.”  And they were sort of half-ass male cheerleaders at that.  No megaphones or uniforms to speak of, just a bunch of dudes in t-shirts pumping their fists and prodding the crowd.  Somewhere, ex-male cheerleader George W Bush was shaking his head in disgust.

The Bucs even struggled when it came to honoring their lone championship team.  Instead of raising a traditional banner for the 2002 World Championship team, the team instead honored them with a tattered old sail attached to the pirate ship stationed in one of the end zones.  I guess when you lose as much as the Bucs have, it’s hard to figure out what to do when you finally get a little taste of success.

The game itself ended in typical Thursday night fashion, with the Patriots holding on for a grinding 19-14 win.  A few quick thoughts on the game:

-It was a nice bounce back game for the defense coming off back-to-back 33 point games, including a putrid performance against Carolina.  That punk Jameis Winston is still unpolished but Tampa has a lot weapons and holding them to 14 in their own building is a good effort.  Stephen Gilmore, whom we shredded in this space after the Panthers debacle, had his best game as a Patriot, helping to hold explosive receiver Mike Evans to just 49 yards.

-Brady took an absolute pounding in this game.  Last year his body only had to endure 12 games and 15 sacks prior to the playoffs.  This year he has to play 16 games and has already been sacked 16 times.  I don’t care how pliable he is, if they don’t clean up the offensive line and find a way to get the short passing game going he is going to be one sore customer come January.  If he makes it to January.

-Patriots had one of their worst penalized games of the Belichick era with 12 penalties for 108 yards.  It wasn’t so much the total number of penalties as the potentially costly timing of them.  Two roughing the passer penalties in the final 10 seconds of the first half put Tampa in field goal range and a brutal penalty by Brandon Bolden on punt coverage extended a Buccaneer drive in the 3rd quarter.  Bolden committed two penalties on special teams which is problematic if you want to remain on the roster and you are a running back that can’t run.

-After watching yet another ugly Thursday night game it just baffles me why the NFL has not adopted the 18 week, double bye week schedule, guaranteeing that both Thursday night teams play each other following a bye.  This would not only give the owners the 18 week schedule they so covet and help preserve player health but it would dramatically upgrade the quality of play for the Thursday night games.  It would also be a nice PR bump in regards to all the CTE stuff.  It is the mother of all no brainers. 

Nothing like a curbside nap after a tough loss:

Shephard’s:  After the game it was back to our “resort” for 48 hours of Florida revelry.  Shephard’s Beach Resort is located in Clearwater Florida, which boasts beautiful beaches and plenty of riff-raff giving it the feel of a sort of trashy poorman’s riviera.  At the social epicenter of Clearwater is Shephard’s which serves a dual purpose as a hotel and an indoor/outdoor nightclub.  The term “epicenter” cannot be overstated as one night we asked our waitress what else there is to do in Clearwater and she responded, “I can’t think of anything else at all really”.  Oh well, so much for exploring the nightlife of Clearwater.  Tethered to our “resort” we settle in for two days of fun and sun Shephard’s style.

The first thing you notice during a day of drinking by the pool at Shephard’s is that this is not a place with a lot of rules.  In other words, our kind of place.  At one point in the pool, almost simultaneously, there was a guy doing cannon balls, two couples having a drunk chicken fight, a little girl eating chicken fingers with ketchup in the shallow end and a pigeon pecking at the remains of a fish taco.  This triggered my friend, who just bought a condo in Miami, to say, “Literally none of this would be allowed at my place.”  In fact, even when Shephard’s has an actual rule they don’t enforce it.  There is a no smoking sign outside of the lobby, and a massive ashtray right next to it, sending more mixed signals than my ex-girlfriend.

Before heading out Friday night we stop by the hotel’s all-you-can-eat buffet.  This is only noteworthy because of the eating performance we witnessed in a booth 10 feet away.  Two guys, determined to get every penny’s worth of their $34.99, and then some, sat down and proceeded to eat about 50 king crab legs each.  They were like machines.  No emotion, no chatter between platefulls, no wasted movements - just relentless non-stop king crab leg consumption.  It was an awesome spectacle.  I’m pretty sure the hotel lost money on the entire buffet that night because of these two.  

The crowd at the club that night was the same eclectic collection of random characters we encountered during much of this Florida trip.  You gotta love a place where you can see a gorgeous 22-year-old, a weathered 62-year-old and a mother with her 4-year-old child all drinking at the same place.  What do you do when you find out that Shephard’s doesn’t offer any baby-sitting services?  You say, “What the hell, I’ll just bring my kid to the club.”  It’s just like Cinderella’s castle at Disney World, only instead of a castle there’s a bar and instead of Cinderella there’s a bunch of drunk people.

Last call was surprisingly early for what you might expect from such a place, forcing us across the street to drink at the deceptively named “Filo’s Beach Bar & Grill”.  There was nothing “beach” about the place’; it was basically just a townie bar with a fancy name.  Commercially, Florida loves to milk the tropical theme for all it’s worth.  For example, you don’t just rent a scooter, you rent a “Sunset” Scooter.  Funny sidebar on the Sunset Scooter place, it provided us with the most Florida of all Florida moments on the trip.  On a sign in front of the place it says “DUI scooters”, because apparently they are electric and thus don’t require a license, so if you’ve been busted recently for driving under the influence, you can still legally drive a Sunset Scooter.  Ha, so Florida.

Saturday was another sunny, sweltering day, the majority of which was spent trying to consume as many beachside Dark Rum Pina Coladas as possible while flirting with our hot blonde bartender, Stacy.  Florida has so many blonde bartenders I’m convinced when you finish bartender school down there, at the graduation they grab you by the ankles and dip you into a vat of hydrogen peroxide.  Nonetheless, Stacy was extremely cool and made drinks twice as strong as anything you will get in Boston.  One of the many things about the sunshine state I will miss.

Saturday night wrapped up early as we had to wake up at 6am for an early flight.  Unfortunately, nobody told the band about my early flight and since my hotel room faced the outdoor nightclub I wasn’t getting any sleep before 2am.  If anybody ever again tells me that James Brown was the hardest working man in show business I will laugh at them.  The band at Shephard’s must have played a 12-hour set every day we were there.  I think I heard Tom Petty’s ‘American Girl’ roughly 25 times in three days.  

As the band roars on and the night winds down I see what cable has to offer and discover that Florida has what appears to be a 24-hour NASA channel, presumably to celebrate the presence of Cape Canaveral, NASA’s launch complex located in Brevard County.  At night the channel has a constant image of the earth from outer space.  It’s kind of cool but soon I am bored, go channel surfing and stumble across an infomercial more miraculous than any trip to the moon.  It is an ad for some kind of miracle skin cream being pumped up by former S.I. swimsuit cover model, Christie Brinkley.  This is 63-year-old Brinkley in the commercial:

Damn, she looks good.  That’s amazing.  She instantly passes Tom Brady on the list of people that are doing things at a certain age that human beings are not supposed to do.  In this case, her thing is looking ridiculously hot.  When she walks into the Bingo parlor the other women must seethe with jealousy.  I immediately start to think of what my grandmother looked like at that age.  It’s a side-by-side comparison that would not have ended favorably for grandma.

What better way to end a travel log to Florida than with a hot blonde made famous by her ability to wear a bikini better than anybody else on the planet.  So goodbye Tampa (and Clearwater).  While we won’t miss your traffic, humidity, overrated “resorts” and bad parents; we will miss your hot women, stiff drinks, sexy sports bars and endless array of warm ocean and sunshine.  So enjoy your DUI Scooters and your last place football team, maybe we’ll come back for a visit when you guys have another championship contender - I’m thinking sometime around 2030.

[yahoo-shutdown-corner-blog]

Martellus Bennett is the savior of Super Bowl week

HOUSTON—Thank heaven for Martellus Bennett, the man who is saving Super Bowl week.

The 21st-century NFL is many things: flashy, expansive, relentlessly commercial. What it’s not is unpredictable. Strip away the fact that this week will end in a football game, and Houston is hosting a sleek, well-produced corporate event. And like all corporate events that proceed on schedule, it can be a bit, well … boring.

Which is where Bennett comes in. The Patriots tight end stands in stark contrast to the Belichickian demeanor of his teammates and the focus-on-the-field Falcons. Bennett’s conversations with the media have been free-floating explorations of art, science, philosophy and nostalgia. Wednesday afternoon was no exception.

Trying to track Bennett’s thought processes is like trying to bring him down in the open field, so sit back and enjoy the best of the Mind of Martellus:

On his favorite foods: “My family’s very, very black. Very, very South. We’re from Louisiana. So, red beans and rice, candied yams, greens, cornbread, fried chicken, and purple Kool-Aid. We don’t call it by the flavors. We only call it by the colors.”

On playing in a Super Bowl in his hometown: “Before every game you think about everything you’ve been through to get to where you are.. So to be back in the same place where you started, running those wind sprints, to get to this platform has been very interesting and kind of surreal for the most part. I drive by the hills that I ran on, the streets that I played on with my brother and my friends. The Super Bowl was our cul-de-sac, and now we’re in the real Super Bowl.”

On the joy of cursing: “Sometimes the best way to say something is with a curse word. You can say, ‘Man, that’s great,” and that’s cool. But if you say, ‘F—, that’s great!” everyone will be saying, ‘man, that must be really damn awesome.’ I know y’all can’t use that on TV.”

On going to a Super Bowl with one’s spouse (note that this was delivered with love): “I never went into the stadium for the Super Bowl [when his brother Michael played for the Seahawks], but I was in town. My wife was pregnant at the time, and I didn’t want her sitting in the stands because I didn’t want to have to deal with her. Dealing with a pregnant wife in the stadium and all those people and there’s so many hormones and so many people, you can’t really enjoy the game. She might want a pickle, and then she might want popcorn. Next thing you know she wants ice cream. And you’ve got to go get it because she can’t really walk. And she wants to wear heels because they’re sexy, but her feet hurt. You try to tell her to put on some New Balances because they’re comfortable, but they don’t look as good with her clothes. That’s a football game in itself.”

On continuing his education: “I was thinking about going back to school this offseason to get a degree, but the only school I’d want to attend is Hogwarts.”

On racial dynamics in horror movies: “If you want to be in a scary movie as a black guy, you’ve got to recruit other black people for it. The black cast member gets killed off first. So your best bet is to have multiple black people in the cast with you. Then your chances of survival go up. If you’re the only black guy in a cast of white people, they’ll say, ‘There’s a noise in the basement, let’s go check it out.’ And I’m like, ‘man, I don’t think we should do that.’ And they’re like, ‘we should really check it out, dude.’ And I’m like ‘that sounds like a bad idea.’ And then you get killed on the couch, and you’re thinking, ‘I should have gone down there with them.’”

On his role with the Patriots: “There’s games where I have to block 45 times and I run eight routes. There’s guys out there, I watch tapes, and they don’t block anybody. And I’m like, ‘That must be nice.’ But then I look at how they leave their teammates hanging, the running back comes through the hole and gets crushed because the tight end didn’t want to block or stick his head in there. I’m not a fantasy football tight end. You draft me, and you may be pissed off: one week he goes for 120, the next three weeks he gets 30 yards receiving. Whatever they ask me to do, I’ll do.”

On note-taking: “I take the best notes. It’s probably because I like my own handwriting. So I like to write a lot because I think it’s so pretty.”

On blocking out distractions during the Super Bowl: “I told my family I’d see them when I can. They know how I am. I told them, ‘the season’s going to be over in a couple days, so I can see y’all’s asses every single day after that.’ Right now it’s really about work.”

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On his memories of National Signing Day: “My signing was on TV, Fox Sports 1. I was going to go to LSU. My family had all these LSU hats, all this LSU stuff. I had this Cotton Bowl coin, which had on one side Texas and the other side LSU. I flipped it and it came up Texas. That’s what I wanted because I was going to flip it over and say, ‘I’m going to LSU.’ But then I saw a Texas A&M hat and realized in my heart I wanted to go to A&M. So I grabbed the hat, and my family was like, “Oh snap!” because nobody had Texas A&M stuff. (Former Texas coach) Mack Brown still hates me.”

What he’d do with a time machine: “If I had a time machine I would go eat dinner with Jesus, be there when He turned water into wine and fed all those people with the bread. And then after that I would go back to the dinosaurs. If I did go visit my 10-year-old self, I’d tell him, ‘Dude. You’re awesome. Remember that. No matter what they tell you the rest of your life, you’re awesome.’”

On the magic of reading and writing: “A book is the best way to travel. If you can’t afford a vacation, you can take one with a book. You can read Harry Potter and go to the world that J.K. Rowling created. Or you can go down the rabbit hole with Alice. Stories are so great, they can take you on these vacations when you can’t go anywhere. When I think about writing stories, I think about taking people on a great adventure, and I’m the only one that can take them there.”

On whether he’d ever coach: “I’d be a terrible coach. I know a lot about the game, but being a coach is the worst thing in football. They’ve got to be there all day and night, and game planning afterward, never get to see your family. I like to see my family. I’d be a good motivator, a guy you bring in for a week to get guys fired up.”

On his short-lived life of crime: “I started stealing candy bars at 10. Well, I stole them before then, but I started getting caught at 10. It was just so easy, I got lazy.”

On whether his dream for the final two minutes of the Super Bowl involves wizards and dragons: “No, it involves taking a knee.”

Martellus Bennett, everyone. He’s doing his best to keep this Super Bowl lively for us all.

Martellus Bennett. (Getty Images)

____ Jay Busbee is a writer for Yahoo Sports and the author of EARNHARDT NATION, on sale now at Amazon or wherever books are sold. Contact him at jay.busbee@yahoo.com or find him on Twitter or on Facebook.