#set sometime after IWTB before the Revival series

[mytardisisparked]

Just Enough

A sequel to "Almost Enough."

Shortly after he and Scully separate, Mulder finds a letter with his name on it amongst her things.

Read on AO3.

The house was too quiet without her there. It had been quiet, too, whenever she was at work and he was home alone, but this was a different kind of quiet. It echoed, ringing through the empty spaces where her computer used to sit at the table, where her clothes used to hang in the closet, where her shoes used to line up under their bed.

It rang in the hollow space she left in his chest when she took half of his heart with her.

So many things in their home – his home now, he supposed with a pit in his stomach – were in halves; half the number of dishes in the cabinets, half the silverware in the drawers, half the medicine bottles behind the mirror over the sink. Every part of the house was in partials, in pieces. 

It was all too much.

Mulder turned on the TV, finding some station that played 80s rock. He turned it up as loud as he could stand and decided to do some cleaning. Maybe a little disinfectant would help wash her away.

The remaining half of his heart squeezed at the thought. Part of him was so angry at her for leaving him like this, right when he needed her close. She had abandoned him to face his darkness, his demons on his own. Another part of him was just sad. Sad that the one good part of his life was gone. Sad that she had taken all the light with her. Sad that he hadn’t seen it coming in time to fix it.

The final, very small part of him thought, deep down, that he deserved it. She’d been through so much and he couldn’t keep taking her down with him. She deserved better and he deserved a cold bucket of water to the face.

But still, it hurt. All of it. And he had to find some way to bandage that hurt or he would get stuck in his head forever.

So he started to clean.

He cleaned the drop of her nail polish off the bathroom counter. He unclogged her long, red hairs from the shower drain. He washed the one White Castle mug she left behind and put it away in the very back of the cupboard. He took the pillowcase off her pillow and washed it, along with her favorite blanket and the one sweatshirt of his she kept borrowing.

While the washer beat out a steady thump thump thump that could barely be heard above whatever Journey song was playing on the TV, he started to straighten the corner of his office that she used occasionally. She left a handful of papers behind, mostly research papers she had been reading for work. Amidst them, he found a couple of birthday cards from her mother and a letter or two from Monica Reyes, received during their early years on the run. As conflicted as he was feeling, he knew she would miss these letters. She would need them. He got a small apple box from the porch and started to place her papers inside to give to her later.

He tried not to pay much attention to what he was grabbing; he didn’t want to invade her privacy. Papers passed from his fingers to the box as fast as he could manage, almost as if her papers, her letters, her files could burn him. Or maybe they would burn if he touched them for too long. He wasn’t really sure. 

He stopped suddenly, a letter caught between his fingers and a breath caught in his throat. This one was definitely burning.

Written across the envelope, still sealed shut, was his name in loopy, shaking letters. Her handwriting. His name.

He stared for a moment. Had she really left this behind for him? His heart squeezed again; there was a sort of finality to a left-behind letter, like a door being shut via an unwillingness to communicate face-to-face.

He took a deep breath. He would still read it, of course. He had to. Even if this was intended to close a door between the two of them, they were words she had written to him and he would hang onto every single one.

Moving back into the living room, he turned off the TV and settled on the couch. He felt the room spin a bit as he took out a pocket knife and slid it under the sealed flap. There was a tiny smudge of something brown near the edge that he couldn’t identify, not that it mattered.

Reverently, he lifted the letter from the envelope and opened it.

“Mulder,

I don’t want to write this letter. It’s not the first that I have written, as you well know, but those were letters I never intended for you to actually see. I no longer feel any kind of certainty that this one will remain unread.

I probably shouldn’t have told you that. I see the way you search my face during your visits to make sure that I am still fighting, that I still have hope. I am still fighting, and I will continue doing so, but I know, deep in my heart, that this is a losing battle. I see it in the doctors’ eyes. I hear it in my mother’s voice. I feel it in the treatments they flood into my veins.” 

He stopped reading, brow furrowed. This letter was not recent, as he had originally thought – this was from Scully’s fight with cancer.

Why had she never given it to him? And why was it still amongst her things now?

“And yet, I still feel hope in the way you hold my hand. In the way you press your lips to my knuckles and forehead. In the way your eyes still hold mine so steadily, even as my family and my care team struggle to maintain eye contact.

I know I look like Death. Her icy visage has become mine; it has sunken in my eyes and cheeks and paled me to the point of ghastliness. It has taken the shine from my hair and left me bruised and weak. I no longer look like myself. I don’t expect anyone to feel comfortable around me. But still, you hold my thin hand and smile into my deathly face and kiss my hollow cheeks. 

Regardless, if you are reading this letter, none of that matters. This letter is only to be sent to you if I am gone.”

A breath left his lungs harshly, as though he had been punched in the stomach. These were intended to be her final words had she– had he–

His hands shook. Should he keep reading this? His name was on the envelope, yes, but the words were so private, so intimate. Were they still meant for him?

After a moment, he concluded that the only way to know if this was still meant for him was to keep reading.

“I know you believe in ghosts. I still don't, really, but I hope I haunt you all the same, in the right ways. I hope there is a small voice within your conscience that sounds like mine, telling you not to throw yourself to the wolves. I hope it warns you of when your passions are edging you towards something dangerous. I hope it protects you when I can't.

Every night, when you inevitably look up at the stars and wonder what might be looking back at you, I hope you know that I am there. I will always be there. You do not need to search for me. You do not need to chase the truth of where I have gone and who took me. 

Death has taken me, but I am always with you. Within you. Around you. I am the soft light cast by the lamps in your apartment. I am the sugar in the iced tea you drink on long trips. I am hanging on the wall behind our desk. I am tucked away in the filing cabinets between the pages of medical reports and autopsy diagrams. I am reflected in the glasses you wear when your head aches from reading. I am loaded into the gun that you rarely ever fire outside of the range. 

Please be careful, Mulder. Please don’t chase every shadow by yourself. Please find a way to live on and live well. 

Go get dinner with The Lone Gunmen. Go tell my mother another funny story from a case. Go meet new friends and love them in that wholehearted way you always do. 

And please, above all else, know that I have loved you.

Scully”

A sob heaved itself out of his lungs and up his throat, burning, burning, burning until tears overflowed from his eyes and the words – those terrible, beautiful words – on the page blurred. 

If this had been delivered under its intended conditions back then, it would have broken him. Or maybe it would have fixed him. Maybe it would have done both.

Right then, under their current conditions, it was worse.

The memory of all that love, of everything they had been was a scab that had just broken open. It was bleeding everywhere as tears continued to fall from his eyes and more sobs wracked his chest. 

How did we become this? What happened to us?

The answer, of course, was everything. His own disappearance and temporary death. The PTSD from endless days of torture and experiments. The gruesome cases they worked. The loss of their miracle son. The betrayal by the organization they had given their lives to. The isolation. The running. The dark.

But through it all, they had loved. There was a part of him that was relieved to know that she had loved him even then, even during one of their earlier bouts with the darkness. There was another part of him that was devastated by all the wasted time, by all the doubting, by all the signals he had missed. 

He sat there until his tears slowed and he could see the paper again. He couldn’t reread it, not right then, so he folded it up as carefully as possible and placed it back in the envelope. After a moment of staring at his name on the front, he stood and, shakily, went back to his office.

He stopped in the middle of the room for a moment, taking it in. Even here, in this space that had mostly been his, he felt her absence. Maybe it was because, since 1993, nothing had really just been his anymore. Not to him. 

He glanced back down at the letter, photographic memory playing flashes of her words, moments from their time, pieces of his heart. Slowly, he moved over to the corkboard and tucked the letter behind the “I WANT TO BELIEVE” poster. The one that had used to hang behind their desk. 

He took a deep breath and then went into the kitchen. He pulled out the White Castle mug he had just washed and put away, filling it with iced tea. He took a sip, letting the sweetness flow over his tongue, washing away the earlier salt from his tears. After a moment, he headed back to the living room and turned on a lamp, letting it bathe the room in soft light as he put on his reading glasses and opened the file he had left sitting on the edge of the couch. He picked out the autopsy report and began to read.

[myownsuperintendent]

2019 Fic Masterpost

Here’s an updated masterpost of my fic, divided into my usual fairly arbitrary categories (plus a new one, crossover).  I didn’t write a ton this year, but those fics are in bold.

AU (Canon Divergent):

“Always Something New”–On William’s prom night, Scully tells Mulder a story from her own.  Rated T.

“Better Late Than Never”– Mulder is plotting a surprise for Scully.  Rated G.  Set in Season 8.  (Birthday gift for @xv12.)

“A Day Out”– Scully, Mulder, and Emily spend a day at the beach.  Rated G.  Very fluffy.

“Family”–Along with their three children, Mulder and Scully celebrate Scully’s sixtieth birthday.  Post-series AU.  Rated G.  112% fluff.

“In My Dreams”– She knows it’s not going to go anywhere–but Monica can’t help having feelings for Dana Scully.  Rated G.  Set during Seasons 8 and 9 and post-IWTB.  Largely canon compliant but ignores Season 10.

“Marry Me”--Mulder and Scully decide to get married.  Season 8 AU. Rated T.

“Nightmare”– Mulder tries to console Emily, who is worried about the incipient arrival of her new sibling. AU, set in the Season Eight era.   Rated G.

“No Secrets”– After he’s returned from his abduction, Mulder and Scully have a talk about their relationship.  Rated G.  Set in Season 8.

“Support System”–It’s Dana’s decision, but Monica wants to at least give her the space to make it.  Rated G.  Set in Season 9.

“A Tale of Two Nosebleeds”– Even family life can sometimes lead to accidents. Set in a universe in which all three of Scully’s kids lived.  Rated G.  Fluff, but warning for blood.

“Tell Me”--In prison, Mulder wants to hear about William.  AU in which Scully did not give up William, set during "The Truth." Rated G.

“Time and Again”– 1973 and 2010–two boys look out for their younger sisters.  Rated G.

“Stomach Flu”--Emily brings home the stomach flu from kindergarten.  Soon Scully catches it too--or does she? Rated G.

“Visions and Voyages”– When danger threatens, the Mulder-Scully family goes on the run together. AU set in the Season 9 era.  Rated G.

“You Know Your Mama Was Born To Die”– After the invasion, a woman and her son try to make their way in Washington, D.C.  Rated T.

…

Crossover:

“Take Me To Your Leader” (part two here)--It's 2037, and Leslie Knope has just been sworn in as President of the United States, only to find her inaugural address followed by an alien invasion.  For help, she and Ben call on two experts--retired FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully--and the four team up to defeat the alien threat. Parks and Recreation crossover. Rated T.

...

Episode Specific:

“Across the Country”– During “Anasazi,” Scully drives across the country with an unconscious Mulder in the back seat.  Rated G.

“In the Open”–After the events of “Small Potatoes,” Mulder and Scully reflect.  Rated G.

“It’s the Job”– During “4-D,” Reyes and Scully discuss being a woman in the FBI.  Rated T.  References to sexual violence.

“Wild Romance”–It’ll be sixty years next week, but she still remembers that strange night in 1939.  Rated G.  Set (sixty years) post-“Triangle.”

…

Humorous:

“Fugue for Fish”–Mulder’s fish become enamored with Scully’s tattoo.  Rated G.  Crack pairing.

“Lipstick on Your Collar”– The FBI has many cases to solve.  One of the biggest mysteries is the status of the relationship between Agents Mulder and Scully–and like in any case, it’s important to have evidence before jumping to conclusions.  Rated G.  

“Nose Implants Just Have That Richer Feel”–Some aliens are perfectly content using neck implants, but some are nostalgic for the past.  Rated G.

“Yes, Dana, There is a Santa Claus”– Mulder believes in a lot of strange things–but when he suggests that Santa Claus is the culprit for a series of strange murders, Scully doesn’t know what to think.  The case, along with the stresses of the season and her unconfessed feelings for her partner, makes for a very complicated Christmas.  Rated T.  Casefile.

…

Part of a Series:

1960s AU: “How to Expand Your Mind”– In 1966, college student Dana Scully makes a new acquaintance–Fox Mulder–in the process of tracking down her sister among New York’s hippie scene.  Rated T.   “While She Was Somewhere Being Free”–More than anything, Samantha doesn’t want to be trapped again.  Rated T. “I Can’t Go Back There Anymore”– When Diana Fowley returns to New York’s hippie scene after selling out and moving away, Melissa Scully is happy to have her best friend back. But the complications Diana brings into the burgeoning relationship between Melissa’s sister Dana and Fox Mulder force Melissa to examine her own feelings for Diana.  Rated T. “Summers of Love”– During the summers of 1966, 1967, and 1968, Mulder and Scully, spending time apart, communicate and build their relationship by letter. Rated M. “The First Few Friends I Had”–Diana arrives in New York, ready to live a new life.  Set prior to the other fics in the series.  Rated T. “Old and New”--When Monica meets John Doggett, she wants to know him better, even though he's different from most of her friends.  Their relationship, however, brings many complications. Rated G. “Reunions”--After summers spent apart, Mulder and Scully reunite. Rated M. “Five Times Someone Walked in on Starchild and Byers (and One Time They Walked in on Someone Else”--Byers and Susanne have a fraught but passionate relationship, as their friends witness at first hand. Rated M.

A Different Place series (“Herrenvolk” AU): “A Different Place”– Herrenvolk AU. When Mulder successfully brings one of the Samantha clones back from the farm with him, she must learn to adapt to a different life.  Rated G. “No-Fail Chicken Soup”– Samantha just wants to help Scully, but it’s not as easy as she hopes.  Rated G.  Cancer arc. “Real Ghosts”– Samantha doesn’t care for Halloween, but she finds that it has its attractions. Set in 2000.  Rated G. “Five Times Samantha Was Different (And One Time It Didn’t Matter)”--Even as she adapts to a new life, there’s a lot that’s strange to Samantha. Rated G.

See the USA series (post-season 9 AU): “See the USA”– Life as a family on the run brings some joys and some challenges for Mulder, Scully, and William.  Rated T. “Here Now”–On their third night on the run, Mulder spends some time with his son.  Set prior to “See the USA.”  Rated G.

Signs Series (Martha’s Vineyard Sign Language AU): “Signs”–On Martha’s Vineyard in the nineteenth century, deafness is common.  But for the Mulder family, interaction with the world on the mainland poses new challenges.  Rated G. “Communications”– In this installment, after a broken arm lands him in the hospital, Mulder meets a nurse who knows sign language and perhaps can help him on his quest to find his sister.  Rated G.

Welcome series (based on Season 11 Emily casting rumors): “Welcome”– In Wyoming, they spend the first morning with Emily.  Rated G. “Conversations”–Emily tries to come to terms with the presence of Scully and Mulder in her life.  Rated G. “At the House”– Some months after the events of “Conversations,” Mulder, Scully, Emily, and William return to the unremarkable house and continue to build their relationships.  Rated G. “Moving”– With the help of Mulder and Scully, William moves into his dorm room.  Rated G. “Next Year”--In the year following their reunion as a family, Mulder, Scully, Emily, and William navigate their relationships. Rated T.

…

Post Season Eleven:

“Baby Books”–Scully has a baby book for each of her children.  Set from seasons 5 to post season 11.  Rated G.

“Camping Trip”--Scully takes her daughter on a Girl Scout camping trip. Rated G.

“Looking Forward”–Scully tries to cope with her feelings as she and Mulder prepare for the new baby.  Rated T.

“Renewal”– After Scully has a difficult birth with her third child, Jackson comes back to the Unremarkable House to help care for his sister.  Rated G.   Warning for childbirth complications.

“Return”–On a walk with their daughter, Mulder and Scully meet their son.  Rated G.

“Snow Globe”– After their daughter is born, Mulder and Scully receive an unexpected gift. Post-season 11.  Rated G.

“Two Evenings”–Mulder and Scully’s grown daughter spends one evening with her brother and another with her parents.  Rated G.

…

Set Within Canon:

“Dirty Talk”–Mulder loves the way Scully talks.  Rated T.

“Eligible”– Charlie tries to help his sister out during her break-up. Set between IWTB and the revival.  Rated T.

“Five Times Scully Talked To William (And One Time They Talked To Each Other)”–There were moments when she was able to talk to her son.  Rated G.  Set in Seasons 8 and 9 and post-Season 10.

“Mappable Territory”–When Scully travels, she thinks of her father.  Rated G.

“Missed You”--Mulder and Scully are happy to be together again.  Set in late season 11. Rated M.

“Now I‘m Sane (But I Would Rather Be Gaga)”– Scully wants to get back out there after the breakup, but it’s not that easy.  Rated G.  Scully/other with past MSR.

“Slow”--Mulder and Scully decide to take their reunion slow, but that doesn’t last too long. Rated M.

“Take Two”–Along with Mulder, Scully takes a second vacation to Maine.  Set post-IWTB, pre-revival.  Rated T.

“Three Scully Children Who Went Incommunicado (And One Who Didn’t)”–It’s not that they don’t care about their family.  But there were reasons they had to get away.  Rated T.

…

Smutty:

“After All These Years”– Mulder and Scully have been together for a long time now, but sometimes the more things change, the more they stay the same.  Rated M.  Set mid-Season 10.

“Dining Etiquette”–Is it ever okay to eat in bed?  Rated M.  

“If At First You Don’t Succeed”– After long anticipation, Mulder and Scully’s first time together doesn’t go exactly as planned.  As they work a case together, they find this getting in the way of their relationship and must figure out how to navigate this new stage.  Rated M.  Set during “Syzygy.”

“Just Be”– After “Paper Clip,” Mulder and Scully try to make a moment away from grief.  Rated M.

“Massachusetts After Midnight”– After an irritating case, Mulder and Scully make the best of their night. The post-“Teso dos Bichos” smut you’ve always wanted.  The Massachusetts entry in the “A Map of Us” challenge.  Rated M.

“Refuge”– When they’re in bed together, they can put her illness out of their minds–at least for a little while.  Rated M.  Cancer arc.

“Six Ways to Warm Up a Cold Basement”– It’s February, and the heat in the X Files office is broken.  Mulder and Scully try to find ways to deal with the problem.  Rated M.  My first fic in the fandom!

“You’re the Only One I Trust (To Slap My Ass)”– Sharing one’s sexual desires with a partner can take a lot of trust. Fortunately, Mulder and Scully have plenty of that. Rated E.