#seriously what purpose does Q serve in the English language

[shoccoe]

So… I may or may not have written an entire Conlang based on a single joke in Minecraft Parkour Civilization 2. That would be ridiculous. Aha. Hahahaha. Ha.

*cough*

A Quick Guide to Writing in Parkour

Flourish List.

You add these in front of blocks to change their meaning. There’s a key at the bottom containing the Parkour alphabet which demonstrates how the space, 180°, 360°, and 720° Flourishes are used to refer to specific English-Letter analogs.

_ = Space

C = 180° Flourish = 5 spaces

O = 360° Flourish = 10 spaces

8 = 720° Flourish = 20 spaces

? = Reverse = Reverses input

^ = Vertical Jump = Raises Intensity

v = Drop = Lowers Intensity

Block List.

These are the building blocks (lmfao) of the language and are what would be counted as an “input” or “letter”. Also included are short legends under each block describing what each flourish does to each block!

(Note! _,C,O, and 8 cannot be applied to any block other than [ ] and H)

[ ] = Block = Grammatical Value

(?[ ] = Capitalized)

(^[ ] = Impassioned)

(v[ ] = Depressed)

H = Fence = Numerical Value

(?H = Negative)

(^H = Exponential)

(vH = Square Root)

u = Pot = Period

(?u = Comma)

(^u = Hyphen/Equality)

(vu = Parentheses)

I = Pane = Question

(?I = Exclamation)

(^I = Command)

(vI = Sarcasm)

% = Brewing Stand = Addition

(?% = Subtraction)

(^% = Multiplication)

(v% = Division)

Alphabet

a = [ ]

b = _[ ]

c = __[ ]

ch = ___[ ]

d = ____[ ]

e = C[ ]

f = _C[ ]

g = __C[ ]

h = ___C[ ]

i = ____C[ ]

j = O[ ]

l = _O[ ]

m = __O[ ]

n = ___O[ ]

o = ____O[ ]

p = OC[ ]

r = _OC[ ]

s = __OC[ ]

sh = ___OC[ ]

t = ____OC[ ]

th = 8[ ]

u = _8[ ]

v = __8[ ]

w = ___8[ ]

y = ____8[ ]

Numbers

0 = H

1 = _H

2 = __H

3 = ___H

4 = ____H

5 = CH

6 = _CH

7 = __CH

8 = ___CH

9 = ____CH

Now that you have all the tools, let’s put it all together~!

————————————

?8[ ]____C[ ]__OC[ ] ____C[ ]__OC[ ] OC[ ][ ]_OC[ ]__[ ]____O[ ]_8[ ]_OC[ ]?I

____CHH% _HH ^u _HHH

?C[ ][ ]____OC[ ] 8[ ]C[ ] _OC[ ]____C[ ]___[ ]^I

————————————

Big thanks to my friend PrismaticKoi for giving me the idea and helping me figure this all out! Working with her made this process super fun!!!

Enjoy Parkour-!!! I’ll be coding an English<—>Parkour translator at some point, so stick around to find that!!

All of you need to go watch Minecraft Parkour Civilization though. It’s seriously fantastic.

[amanby]

Q&A Responses

Thanks for all the questions, everyone. Boy, did I have a hard time filtering through them all to pick the best ones! And here they are…

—————–

Sally, Geneva:

- What I would like to know is…how do you calculate how much money you should have on you at any one time? Enough to cover expenses but not enough to tempt anyone to rob you?

xx Granny

Good question Granny! In my wallet, which I keep in my pocket, I always carry no cards, and very little cash: the equivalent of £10 at most, which is enough for any meal, hotel room, bar bill or bus ticket. If that gets pickpocketed, it’s not the end of the world (although I would lose some precious beer labels)

Now here’s the ingenious bit: my very talented mother, who also happens to be your very talented daughter, improvised a secret pouch by sewing together some curtain lining, a bag strap and a zip, which I always wear around my waist, tucked into my shorts or trousers. It’s completely invisible, and in there I hold larger amounts of cash, my cards and my passport. If I need any of the above, I just nip to a toilet and reshuffle things!

Kit, USA:

- Have you had any nervous times while sleeping in your tent?

One occasion stands out. Sleeping on a quiet beach on Pemba, Tanzania, I woke up to the sound, smell, and heat of a brightly-burning nearby fire; my immediate reaction was that the local chief had objected to my unauthorised camping and was taking extreme measures against it! Fortunately, it was actually just a fisherman keeping himself warm with a bonfire while waiting for dawn to break.

- Are most things still relatively inexpensive even when you suspect you are getting ripped off?

Compared to Europe, definitely. I’ve found living on $15 a day pretty comfortable. But I’ve been surprised by the cost of any tourist activity here: tours and national park fees are significantly higher than in South America, for example.

- What has been your favorite beach or body of water?

Phwoar, that’s a tricky one! Diani in Kenya or Zanzibar would be the obvious choice for a postcard beach, but given my previously limited experience of freshwater lakes, I’ll go for one of the great Rift Valley lakes. Malawi was a perfect colour and temperature, but I’m going to choose a small beach at Jacobsen’s campsite on Lake Tanganyika; I had it all to myself at a time when I was still limping around with blisters and sore feet post-walk, and to lie half-submerged in the water for hours on end, reading my book, was unforgettable.

Charles, London:

- Alex, what has been the best way to engage the locals and not be the Mzungu? In which country has it been easiest?

Yo midge! Short answer: it’s been difficult to not be seen as the white man in every country. I was expecting it to an extent but have been surprised how, even in multicultural cities like Nairobi, I still attract so much attention based on the colour of my skin just walking around.

The way locals react to the mzungu differs: in Kenya and Zanzibar they’re more used to it and boisterously try their tricks to get money from you. In Ethiopia, there’s widespread begging (“hello, pen! Hello, money!”) whereas in Malawi and Rwanda they tend to sit and stare as you pass by. In Rwanda it was also a game of bravado for the kids in front of their friends, asking for money (“givameyamornee”), but only once I’d walked past, and never in any expectation of receiving it.

In terms of not being the mzungu, I’ve had most success sitting in the white Toyota Hiace matatus which serve as public transport everywhere. There, it’s a given that the person I’m sitting next to and I will be in each other’s company for some time, so conversation starts and continues on a more level footing than it does in other situations.

Premier League football, and particularly The Arsenal, is also a good leveller. And having a sense of humour and learning at least the basics of each language has definitely helped too.

But obviously my time with Moses and his family was the great success from this point of view. For me, this trip is a travel one more than a project one (like Ecuador or New Caledonia); but certainly, the best way to fit in would be to stay in the same place for an extended period of time, properly integrated into local life and serving a palpably useful purpose.

Angus, London:

- What role have you seen Islam play in day to day life out there? HOT TOPIC

Hot topic indeed, and an appropriate one for this relentlessly hard-hitting blog. Which is also the reason why some of your frankly lewd and ungodly questions will not be getting an answer on here, Angus.

Well, given its historical trade with the Middle East, the coast has a far greater Islamic influence than inland, and this has been evident from Mombasa to Zanzibar to Ilha de Mozambique, manifesting itself particularly obviously in dress and architecture.

In my limited experience, it seems to me that domestic conflicts tend to be drawn on tribal rather than religious lines; Ethiopia is a good example of this, where muslims and orthodox Ethiopian christians from Oromo and Amhara provinces are equally frustrated by perceived (and real) preferential treatment received by the Tigrai. There, as elsewhere, communities seemed to me to be pretty tolerant of different religious practices.

I have to mention one notable exception, which was a Christian conference in Dar Es Salaam entitled ‘How to Stop the Spread of Islam in East Africa’, which I unwittingly got caught up in when I caught the bus from Dar to Nairobi, sitting next to an attendee preacher and telling him straight off the bat about my atheistic beliefs. Cue 16 hours of frantic questions as he tried to save my soul…

- There’s a lot of geopolitical talk about which superpower is gaining influence in Africa: whether it be China, Russia, or the US. Have you seen any discernible evidence of this, and if so, what do you think the prospects are for the continent?

Well the Chinese are very visible in infrastructure construction throughout Africa. Apparently the deal they offer to all countries is to build their roads for free (employees and materials) in exchange for extraordinarily preferential rates on trade deals.

Lots of grains get carried around in recycled USAID bags, so our friends Stateside clearly have influence based on the reliance countries have on their charity. Let’s see how that one pans out…

And I’ve seen nothing at all of the Russians. Which probably means their spies and hackers have got fingers in all sorts of dodgy pies.

- What’s the best song you’ve heard out there?

Not sure I’ve heard this year’s Christmas #1 just yet. Although today I was treated to a live performance of Wrecking Ball by Mozambique’s answer to Billy Elliot, a young boy dancing naked on the beach using an empty plastic water bottle (which I’d given him five minutes earlier) as a microphone.

- How are you avoiding the pitfalls of the gapyah traveller - immersing yourself in poverty tourism to make for some authentic life experiences - and have you bumped into any western tossers who encapsulate this?

I’m in two minds about this. On the one hand, I do think that westerners can - and should - try to exert a positive influence during their visit. Giving dollars to white, western hotel and tour company owners doesn’t tick this box. And if I didn’t believe this, then I’ve wasted a lot of time in several continents since leaving school.

Having said that, oh yes, I’ve met a few 'egotourists’ and they can be excruciating. One self-satisfied English girl who had just painted a school wall and was so happy with herself that she’d tell anyone who would listen all about it was particularly painful. Nicely painted schools is not the answer to the issues this continent’s children have in their search for an education.

- If a gun was put to your head tomorrow and you were told you had to settle in Africa and start a business immediately, what would that business be?

Easy. I’d expand the Uganda Youth Football League to create a business arm to work alongside the charity. We’d be the agents to complement the coaches and get East African kids into European leagues.

And don’t worry about the gun, I’m seriously contemplating doing it of my own free will!

Nicky, London:

- Where are you planning to go in South Africa?

'Planning’ is not a word I would associate closely with this trip, Mum!

Seriously, I have little idea. Rambo is flying out on some trumped up excuse of a job, and his time is more precious than mine, so I’m leaving the itinerary for our ten days together to him. Which, as his former landlady, you’ll realise is a risky strategy…

Things I’d like to do (during my time with Rambo or in the two weeks after, when I’ll be on my own again): see relatives, walk Drakensburg, traverse Lesotho, visit St. Marks, explore the south east, watch live sport, learn to kite surf, enjoy comforts of Cape Town…