#seriously homer is my older brother's age

[everwen]

Great! Time for my daily existential crisis!

[raya-rhaenyra-ahsoka]

My Thoughts on Ep.06 - We Take a Zebra to Vegas, A rant (SPOILERS AHEAD!)

Actual Iris-messaging on screen! Good way to start the episode.

Yes, toss the drachma, SEAWEED BRAIN!

If you want the gods’ attention, you have to pay for it. Eh, not surprised since it’s kinda how children have to do to get their parents’ attention these days.

Wtf is Luke Castellan doing in Chiron’s office?

We know who stole the bolt. (Book-readers, we know who stole the bolt!)

*Calm expression* How do you know? and not *gasp* Really? Who is it? Very sus. 🤔

I do have a love-hate relationship with Clarisse La Rue as a character, but accusing her as the lightning thief? OH, HELL NO!

This convo:

Luke: Guys, what is this?

Percy and Annabeth: What?

Luke: When did you turn into an old married couple?

Percy and Annabeth:

Everyone in the fandom:

Luke channeling his big brother energy by teasing Annabeth, his little sister, to a boy her age. Annabeth’s going through that older-sibling-embarrassing-you-in-front-of-your-crush stage. It’s just typical sibling stuff.

Annabeth, externally: *pokerface*; Annabeth, internally: STOP EMBARRASSING ME!

Confirmed: Luke ships Percabeth. 🥰

Percy changing the subject because he’s also embarrassed.

Annabeth cuts off the connection before Percy can mention Hermes and tells him Luke and his dad aren’t on good terms.

Grover just figured out that the truck is driven by animal traffickers and insists that they free the animals is absolute peak characterization.

They’re like artists. Proceeds to release the animals in the middle of traffic.

How that convo basically went:

Percy: Idk about this, man.

Grover: Oh, they’ll be fine. I gave them the satyr’s blessing so they’ll be able to reach the wilderness safely.

Percy: Dude, I meant for these people.

Grover: Oh, uh, it’s fine. These people destroyed nature so idgaf about them. But the animals are fine, so let’s go!

Percy: So, which hotel is the Lotus Casino? It could be any building-

Annabeth: Duh! Obviously, it’s the one with the giant lotus blossom on it.

Percy: Seriously?

3 minors walking into a Casino hotel. Totally normal and not suspicious at all.

Dua Lipa’s Levitating instead of Lady Gaga’s Pokerface. I ain’t even mad.

WISE GIRL! WISE GIRL! WISE GIRL! HE CALLED HER WISE GIRL! 😍🥰

Of course, Annabeth insists Percy goes with her. Percabeth! 😍

Annabeth tells Percy about May Castellan, Luke’s Mom. It’s kinda early to know about this, but I’m not complaining. It just justifies Luke’s resentment of Hermes in the show.

Grover: *finds Augustus, a fellow Satyr* *Forgets everything*

Please tell me someone else heard some kid calling out BIANCA in the background. It's not just me, right? Please tell me it's the di Angelo siblings in the Lotus Casino. UNCLE RICK, WE NEED ANSWERS!

Percy explaining his nightmares and asks if they are real.

How that convo went:

Annabeth: Hmm, idk

Percy: How do you not know?

Annabeth: I may be smart but there are things I don’t know.

Percy: Wtf does that make me then?

Hermes/Alexander Hamilton not throwing away his shot. How does a bastard, son of a god and a Pleiad. Grow up to be a master trickster, according to Homer’s Illiad…

In Vegas you can be a new man...apparently, not.

Hermes: I’m not doing this again. You’re on your own, kids. Bye!

Annabeth: We’re friends of Luke’s.

Hermes: *surprise pikachu face* Damn it, let’s talk.

Hermes being an epitome of another crappy absent godly parent. Not surprised.

Annabeth doing what probably Luke taught her to do:

Annabeth: So I stole Hermes’ keys.

Percy: You what?

Annabeth: I turned invisible and picked his pocket.

Percy: You stole from the god of thieves?

Annabeth: Yes, I’m multi-talented. Lol

Percy: *lowkey falls in love*

The lotus fruit being pumped into the air is something new.

Percy: Grover got really old. 🤣

Percy and Annabeth chases Augustus around while Grover’s playing VR games.

Grover forgetting things because he was alone, while Percy and Annabeth remember because they have each other. PERCABETH!

Grover acting all carefree like a dentist just sedated him with nitrous oxide, while Percy and Annabeth are frantically looking for Hermes’ car will never be not funny.

TO THE DUMB KIDS. Yep, that note is for you.

Percy: So, who’s driving?

Percy and Annabeth turning to Grover because he’s the adult.

Grover: *still high* Idk man. Idk what we're even doing here.

Percy: Ok, I’ll do it. How hard can it be. If I killed the Minotaur, I can drive a cab.

Percy: How hard could this be? Proceeds to hit the car on several columns.

Percy getting angry because another car didn’t slow down and nearly hit them, then slamming the horn. Bruh, you’re inner New Yorker is showing and I’m here for it.

This scene: 😍😍😍

Me, watching this scene:

Percy and Annabeth smiling at each other then realizing the car’s scraping the wall. This shit cracked me up.

The truck nearly hitting them gave me a mini-heart attack. Good thing they’re in Hermes’ cab.

Percy half-nervous and half-excited to finally meet his Dad only to find a Nereid instead, giving him 4 teleportation pearls as a gift.

The title implying they took a Zebra to Vegas but we see no zebra? Come on! Anyway, that was a good episode. Can't wait for the Percy vs Ares showdown next week.

[sundayera7-blog]

BCB Top 20 Cubs Minor League Prospects: System overview and honorable mentions

This week is time for my annual look at the top 20 prospects in the Cubs system and today we start off with a look at the system and some players who didn’t make the list for one reason or another. Then we’ll count down five prospects each day until revealing the top five prospects, including a new number one, on Friday.

To be perfectly honest, the Cubs have a poor farm system at the moment. It’s certainly one of the bottom five systems in the game. I’ve been doing these ranking for about 10 years and this is the worst that I can remember. Perhaps 2008 or 2009 were worse — I can’t really remember back that far. The system has been culled of talent by promotions, trades for major league players (a good thing, no doubt) and many of the top prospects who remained had poor years in the minors in 2018. Honestly, as I was doing the second-half of the top ten, I struggled sometimes to list anyone whom I thought was worth such a ranking. If you think that someone that I haven’t ranked should be in the 11 to 20 range, I’m going to admit that you may very well be right. After the first dozen prospects, there’s a whole lot of differing shades of “meh” here. I don’t think there is a single player in the system that you can’t add a “but” to any positive evaluation you’d give him. Part of that comes with success at the major league level—the Red Sox farm system isn’t very good at the moment either.

But that’s not to say there isn’t some talent here. The five guys at the top all have a chance to be pretty darn good major leaguers. The Cubs also appear to have had a pretty terrific 2018 draft — fully four of my top ten prospects were taken last June. All of them have the potential to step up and become prized prospect in 2019. If all four of them live up to their potential, then this system becomes a top 20 system pretty quickly. If also a few of those disappointing 2018 prospects return to form, then this system could be ranked in the top half or maybe even higher in 2020. It’s unlikely that it will improve that much, but it also seems highly unlikely that the system will remain this down for more than a season. And don’t forget, someone like David Bote went from “meh” to “hmmm” to “nice” pretty darn quickly.

This list is my own, based upon my watching hundreds of minor league games this past year and reading as many “expert” analysts as I can. I do have one rule that is unique to my ranking in that I don’t rank any player who hasn’t at least played in Arizona. That rules out some good prospects in the Dominican Summer League including one who hasn’t even started yet that I’ll write about today. The reason for that is that while I can read what scouts and expert analysts say about the player, I have no way of independently verifying what those people have written. For me to say “This guy is one of my top 20 prospects because a bunch of other people think he’s a top 20 prospect” just seems dishonest to me.

So here are some prospects who didn’t make the Top 20 list to talk about for today. They’re not in any particular order. These are not the players whom I would rank as the 21st through 25th ranked prospects, but they’d probably be in the top 30.

Also, players still need to have rookie eligibility to be listed.

Clicking on the player’s name takes you to his milb.com page.

Richard Gallardo. RHP. 6’1”, 187. DOB: 09/06/01. IFA Venezuela. Signed for $1 million 2018.

Gallardo was the prize international free agent signing of the Cubs this past July and you’re going to see his name on a lot of Cubs top ten or top twenty prospects lists. In fact, MLB Pipeline ranked him as the top international free agent pitcher available last year. I don’t have him ranked because he has yet to throw a pitch in an official game for the Cubs.

From the scouting reports, at 16 he was already throwing a fastball at 89-93 mph and had an advanced curve not just for someone that age. I’ve read reports that say he could move quickly through the Cubs system, but since he’s barely turned 17, “quickly” likely means he could be in the majors in 2022. Even that is pretty optimistic.

Gallardo is someone to watch and someone to dream on. He obviously has room to add some bulk and the velocity that would follow. There’s a potential top-of-the-rotation pitcher in there, but clearly at 17 he’s miles away and there is so much that can still go wrong. He’s advanced enough that the Cubs may have him make his professional debut in Arizona rather than the DSL, but there are a lot of factors that go into that decision outside of just baseball talent.

Here’s Gallardo pitching at a showcase before he signed with the Cubs. You can see why some people are so excited. I was pretty impressed and I had to keep reminding myself “That kid is only 16 in that video.”

Christopher Morel. SS/3B. B:R T:R. 6’0”, 160. DOB: 06/24/99. IFA: Dominican Republic. Signed 2015 $800,000.

Morel started last season out in Eugene mostly because the new draftees weren’t ready when the Ems season started in June. He struggled there, but was much better after being demoted to AZL 1 in July. He was considered a team leader on the club that lost the Arizona League Championship Game.

Morel’s glove is ahead of his bat at this point and scouts praise his sure hands and strong arm. The Cubs would like him to add a some bulk which means he could end up as a third baseman rather than a shortstop. The Cubs think his swing is conducive to adding power. Morel also has above-average speed, but he only managed to steal one base in 2018 after swiping 23 in the DSL in 2017.

After his poor .165/.172/.220 in 25 games in Eugene, Morel hit a promising .257/.331/.363 with two home runs in 29 games for AZL 1. He strikes out a little too much at this point and he’d probably benefit from not trying to pull everything. But I expect that Morel will be much better in Eugene this summer than he was last year.

By the way, I feel I need to mention that he was seriously injured when he walked through a glass door after signing in 2015, costing him the 2016 season. That delayed his development as his wrist was pretty badly cut up. But he’s fully recovered now and is ready to take a step forward in 2019. Just not through a door again.

The Cubs signed his younger brother Rafael this past summer as well.

Here is Morel hitting an RBI single for the Ems.

Duane Underwood. RHP. 6’2”, 210. DOB: 7/20/94. Drafted 2nd round, 2012. Pope HS (GA).

I thought I’d be done writing about Underwood by now. He’s been a top 30 prospect since the Cubs drafted him. Since that time, he’s simultaneously disappointed and shown enough that you just don’t want to give up on him.

Underwood made his MLB debut on June 25 at Dodger Stadium and that start turned out to be a bit of a Rorschach test. If you were inclined to think favorably of Underwood, he kept a good Dodgers lineup to one run and two hits over four innings with three strikeouts. If you are down on Underwood, you can point out his three walks and the home run he gave up to Kiké Hernandez. He also labored in the first two innings and didn’t look all that great.

Underwood spent the rest of the season in Triple-A Iowa, making 20 starts before moving to the bullpen in August for seven relief appearances. He was 4-10 with a 4.53 ERA and 105 strikeouts in 119⅓ innings. He walked 37 and gave up six home runs, which isn’t bad for the homer-happy Pacific Coast League.

Here’s every pitch he threw against the Dodgers. Jim Deshaies and Len Kasper give a pretty good scouting report on Underwood in the broadcast as well.

Tyson Miller. RHP. 6’5”, 200. DOB: 07/29/95. Drafted 4th round, 2016. California Baptist.

If you just look at the stat line on Miller in 2018, it looks like he took a step forward in High-A Myrtle Beach. Miller made 23 starts for the Pelicans and went 9-9 with a 3.54 ERA. He struck out 126 batters over 127 innings. He walked 35.

But Miller’s stuff is the same as it’s always been—average. He’s got a fastball around 90-91 that sometimes hits 93, but he has good movement on it and when he’s on, he can locate it pretty well. His slider is mostly average and he needs to work on his change. So exactly like hundreds of other pitchers in the minor leagues.

What stands out about Miller is his mound presence and overall baseball intelligence. He gets the most out of his modest skills. He’s going to be tested in Double-A this year. If he succeeds, then maybe he’s the type of pitcher who can get by with craftiness to carve out a career as a back-of-the-rotation pitcher.

Here are highlights from Miller’s best start of the season when he struck out seven Mudcats over seven scoreless innings on May 2. As you can see, sometimes Miller looks pretty good out there.

Reivaj Garcia. 2B. B:S, T:R. 5’11, 175. DOB: 08/12/01. IFA: Mexico. Signed for $500,000, August 2017.

Garcia is the latest in the Cubs quest for talent in Mexico and he had a pretty impressive US debut in 2018. At only 16 years old, Reivaj (that’s “Javier” spelled backwards) hit an impressive .300/.362/.355 with seven steals in 40 games for AZL 2 against players who were at least two or three years older than he was.

Garcia is a little switch-hitter who makes hard contact to all fields. He hasn’t shown much or any power yet, but since he just turned 17 it makes it a little difficult to project at this point. If I had to guess, his power would project out to be 40-45 or slightly below average, but there is a whole lot of room for that to go in either direction. His speed is about average for a middle infielder—he’s not a burner but he’s pretty smart for someone so young so he can get the most out of the speed he does have.

Defensively, scouts think he’s probably a second baseman although his range and arm are good enough that he could play shortstop if necessary.

Someone who can hit .300 at any professional level at 16 has to be taken seriously, even if it’s hard to figure out exactly what kind of player he’s going to be. I love the sound of the ball leaving his bat in the video below.

Tomorrow: Prospects 20 through 16.

Source: https://www.bleedcubbieblue.com/2019/1/14/18180245/top-20-cubs-minor-league-prospects-system-richard-gallardo-christopher-morel-reivaj-garcia

[browanger55-blog]

BCB Top 20 Cubs Minor League Prospects: System overview and honorable mentions

This week is time for my annual look at the top 20 prospects in the Cubs system and today we start off with a look at the system and some players who didn’t make the list for one reason or another. Then we’ll count down five prospects each day until revealing the top five prospects, including a new number one, on Friday.

To be perfectly honest, the Cubs have a poor farm system at the moment. It’s certainly one of the bottom five systems in the game. I’ve been doing these ranking for about 10 years and this is the worst that I can remember. Perhaps 2008 or 2009 were worse — I can’t really remember back that far. The system has been culled of talent by promotions, trades for major league players (a good thing, no doubt) and many of the top prospects who remained had poor years in the minors in 2018. Honestly, as I was doing the second-half of the top ten, I struggled sometimes to list anyone whom I thought was worth such a ranking. If you think that someone that I haven’t ranked should be in the 11 to 20 range, I’m going to admit that you may very well be right. After the first dozen prospects, there’s a whole lot of differing shades of “meh” here. I don’t think there is a single player in the system that you can’t add a “but” to any positive evaluation you’d give him. Part of that comes with success at the major league level—the Red Sox farm system isn’t very good at the moment either.

But that’s not to say there isn’t some talent here. The five guys at the top all have a chance to be pretty darn good major leaguers. The Cubs also appear to have had a pretty terrific 2018 draft — fully four of my top ten prospects were taken last June. All of them have the potential to step up and become prized prospect in 2019. If all four of them live up to their potential, then this system becomes a top 20 system pretty quickly. If also a few of those disappointing 2018 prospects return to form, then this system could be ranked in the top half or maybe even higher in 2020. It’s unlikely that it will improve that much, but it also seems highly unlikely that the system will remain this down for more than a season. And don’t forget, someone like David Bote went from “meh” to “hmmm” to “nice” pretty darn quickly.

This list is my own, based upon my watching hundreds of minor league games this past year and reading as many “expert” analysts as I can. I do have one rule that is unique to my ranking in that I don’t rank any player who hasn’t at least played in Arizona. That rules out some good prospects in the Dominican Summer League including one who hasn’t even started yet that I’ll write about today. The reason for that is that while I can read what scouts and expert analysts say about the player, I have no way of independently verifying what those people have written. For me to say “This guy is one of my top 20 prospects because a bunch of other people think he’s a top 20 prospect” just seems dishonest to me.

So here are some prospects who didn’t make the Top 20 list to talk about for today. They’re not in any particular order. These are not the players whom I would rank as the 21st through 25th ranked prospects, but they’d probably be in the top 30.

Also, players still need to have rookie eligibility to be listed.

Clicking on the player’s name takes you to his milb.com page.

Richard Gallardo. RHP. 6’1”, 187. DOB: 09/06/01. IFA Venezuela. Signed for $1 million 2018.

Gallardo was the prize international free agent signing of the Cubs this past July and you’re going to see his name on a lot of Cubs top ten or top twenty prospects lists. In fact, MLB Pipeline ranked him as the top international free agent pitcher available last year. I don’t have him ranked because he has yet to throw a pitch in an official game for the Cubs.

From the scouting reports, at 16 he was already throwing a fastball at 89-93 mph and had an advanced curve not just for someone that age. I’ve read reports that say he could move quickly through the Cubs system, but since he’s barely turned 17, “quickly” likely means he could be in the majors in 2022. Even that is pretty optimistic.

Gallardo is someone to watch and someone to dream on. He obviously has room to add some bulk and the velocity that would follow. There’s a potential top-of-the-rotation pitcher in there, but clearly at 17 he’s miles away and there is so much that can still go wrong. He’s advanced enough that the Cubs may have him make his professional debut in Arizona rather than the DSL, but there are a lot of factors that go into that decision outside of just baseball talent.

Here’s Gallardo pitching at a showcase before he signed with the Cubs. You can see why some people are so excited. I was pretty impressed and I had to keep reminding myself “That kid is only 16 in that video.”

Christopher Morel. SS/3B. B:R T:R. 6’0”, 160. DOB: 06/24/99. IFA: Dominican Republic. Signed 2015 $800,000.

Morel started last season out in Eugene mostly because the new draftees weren’t ready when the Ems season started in June. He struggled there, but was much better after being demoted to AZL 1 in July. He was considered a team leader on the club that lost the Arizona League Championship Game.

Morel’s glove is ahead of his bat at this point and scouts praise his sure hands and strong arm. The Cubs would like him to add a some bulk which means he could end up as a third baseman rather than a shortstop. The Cubs think his swing is conducive to adding power. Morel also has above-average speed, but he only managed to steal one base in 2018 after swiping 23 in the DSL in 2017.

After his poor .165/.172/.220 in 25 games in Eugene, Morel hit a promising .257/.331/.363 with two home runs in 29 games for AZL 1. He strikes out a little too much at this point and he’d probably benefit from not trying to pull everything. But I expect that Morel will be much better in Eugene this summer than he was last year.

By the way, I feel I need to mention that he was seriously injured when he walked through a glass door after signing in 2015, costing him the 2016 season. That delayed his development as his wrist was pretty badly cut up. But he’s fully recovered now and is ready to take a step forward in 2019. Just not through a door again.

The Cubs signed his younger brother Rafael this past summer as well.

Here is Morel hitting an RBI single for the Ems.

Duane Underwood. RHP. 6’2”, 210. DOB: 7/20/94. Drafted 2nd round, 2012. Pope HS (GA).

I thought I’d be done writing about Underwood by now. He’s been a top 30 prospect since the Cubs drafted him. Since that time, he’s simultaneously disappointed and shown enough that you just don’t want to give up on him.

Underwood made his MLB debut on June 25 at Dodger Stadium and that start turned out to be a bit of a Rorschach test. If you were inclined to think favorably of Underwood, he kept a good Dodgers lineup to one run and two hits over four innings with three strikeouts. If you are down on Underwood, you can point out his three walks and the home run he gave up to Kiké Hernandez. He also labored in the first two innings and didn’t look all that great.

Underwood spent the rest of the season in Triple-A Iowa, making 20 starts before moving to the bullpen in August for seven relief appearances. He was 4-10 with a 4.53 ERA and 105 strikeouts in 119⅓ innings. He walked 37 and gave up six home runs, which isn’t bad for the homer-happy Pacific Coast League.

Here’s every pitch he threw against the Dodgers. Jim Deshaies and Len Kasper give a pretty good scouting report on Underwood in the broadcast as well.

Tyson Miller. RHP. 6’5”, 200. DOB: 07/29/95. Drafted 4th round, 2016. California Baptist.

If you just look at the stat line on Miller in 2018, it looks like he took a step forward in High-A Myrtle Beach. Miller made 23 starts for the Pelicans and went 9-9 with a 3.54 ERA. He struck out 126 batters over 127 innings. He walked 35.

But Miller’s stuff is the same as it’s always been—average. He’s got a fastball around 90-91 that sometimes hits 93, but he has good movement on it and when he’s on, he can locate it pretty well. His slider is mostly average and he needs to work on his change. So exactly like hundreds of other pitchers in the minor leagues.

What stands out about Miller is his mound presence and overall baseball intelligence. He gets the most out of his modest skills. He’s going to be tested in Double-A this year. If he succeeds, then maybe he’s the type of pitcher who can get by with craftiness to carve out a career as a back-of-the-rotation pitcher.

Here are highlights from Miller’s best start of the season when he struck out seven Mudcats over seven scoreless innings on May 2. As you can see, sometimes Miller looks pretty good out there.

Reivaj Garcia. 2B. B:S, T:R. 5’11, 175. DOB: 08/12/01. IFA: Mexico. Signed for $500,000, August 2017.

Garcia is the latest in the Cubs quest for talent in Mexico and he had a pretty impressive US debut in 2018. At only 16 years old, Reivaj (that’s “Javier” spelled backwards) hit an impressive .300/.362/.355 with seven steals in 40 games for AZL 2 against players who were at least two or three years older than he was.

Garcia is a little switch-hitter who makes hard contact to all fields. He hasn’t shown much or any power yet, but since he just turned 17 it makes it a little difficult to project at this point. If I had to guess, his power would project out to be 40-45 or slightly below average, but there is a whole lot of room for that to go in either direction. His speed is about average for a middle infielder—he’s not a burner but he’s pretty smart for someone so young so he can get the most out of the speed he does have.

Defensively, scouts think he’s probably a second baseman although his range and arm are good enough that he could play shortstop if necessary.

Someone who can hit .300 at any professional level at 16 has to be taken seriously, even if it’s hard to figure out exactly what kind of player he’s going to be. I love the sound of the ball leaving his bat in the video below.

Tomorrow: Prospects 20 through 16.

Source: https://www.bleedcubbieblue.com/2019/1/14/18180245/top-20-cubs-minor-league-prospects-system-richard-gallardo-christopher-morel-reivaj-garcia

[yahoo-puck-daddy-blog]

Eulogy: Remembering the 2016-17 Boston Bruins

(Ed. Note: As the Stanley Cup Playoffs continue, we’re bound to lose some friends along the journey. We’ve asked for these losers, gone but not forgotten, to be eulogized by the people who knew the teams best: The bloggers and fans who hated them the most. Here is Nathan Caddell, a Vancouver Canucks fan and journalist, fondly recalling the 2016-17 Boston Bruins.)

By Nathan Caddell

Let’s go back to 2011, shall we?

Back to biting, back to Rolling in the Deep.

Oof.

That still gives the chills, doesn’t it?

I was born and raised in Vancouver, and after cheering most of my life for two Swedes, I moved to Ottawa. For the past two years, I’ve been unable to resist the charms of a new, highly evolved Swede.

If you can’t beat ‘em…start cheering for another team and hope that they do the job, you know?

In truth, this doesn’t feel as good as I imagined it would.

These Bruins aren’t your older brother’s Bruins. Sure, this team has remnants of that classic Boston Sports Team Grit™ — which no other Boston team has actually had since Pedro was throwing heat and old men. But it’s not the good kind.

You were scared of those 2011 and 2013 teams. They were big and fast. They had actual defensemen.

This team gave 28 playoff minutes per night to Zdeno Chara’s corpse.

It’s kind of sad watching him mill around the ice like a massive zombie. You wish he‘d pulled a Nick Lidstrom a couple years ago instead of sticking around as a constant reminder that we’re all slowly marching towards our impending death.

Speaking of which, John Michael Liles already having a son in the league logging bottom pair minutes for the Bruins is crazy. Kid doesn’t seem to have his old man’s offensive touch with only seven points all told, but maybe he’ll get there.

And before we start on the whole “Torey Krug and Brandon Carlo were injured!” train; let’s remember that Adam McQuaid (also injured, I know, consider it a positive thing) was fourth on this team in ice time for defensemen during the regular season.

McQuaid, in the NHL solely for his ability to get pucks off the glass and out (MAYBE HE CAN TEACH THE REST OF THE TEAM?), has cast some sort of spell on Bruins fans. That’s the only way to explain headlines like this.

I feel sorry for those fans. I really do. They’ve got to be the same ones that cared enough to figure out the difference between Millers Colin and Kevan, beyond the fact that one of their lives was ruined by their parents’ refusal to spell Kevin the normal way.

And while the defense was a complete train wreck all season, the team’s ability to constantly churn out “scrappy” forwards to play on the bottom six is unprecedented.

Once in awhile they turn out to be Olympians. More often, they turn out to be players like Sean Schaller and Tim Kuraly, guys who, despite their insistence on being taken seriously, reek of mediocrity.

And yeah, I switched their first names, just to see if anyone would notice. Don’t lie, you didn’t.

Schaller earned a reputation in the series for being hard-nosed and feisty, by doing tough guy things like trying to intimidate a guy who barely flinched after getting his finger chopped off.

Methot lays a hit on Acciari, then they exchange words, then Schaller steps in, Methot throws a punch. Methot, Schaller to the box.

— Boston Bruins (@NHLBruins) April 18, 2017

As for Kuraly, it seems like he’s already in a rift with his new coach, going so far as attempting to bludgeon him with the puck. That’s the only possible way to explain this, right?

Riley Nash is fun to have in the league because when someone drafts R. Nash in your hockey pool you can be that asshole who says “Riley Nash??? On Boston??? LOLOLOLOL.”

Dude managed to let Bobby Ryan get the best of him.

Even Kevin Lowe didn’t let that happen.

Then there’s the guys that shouldn’t be in the bottom six given what they’re making, but their current skill levels necessitate it.

Say what you will about Loui Eriksson’s season, but signing a guy a year older than him who can’t play the style of hockey that made him effective for the same amount of money per year does not constitute progress.

Neither does signing Matt Beleskey for two more years than goals scored this season.

The front office sure has some moves they can’t make in the offseason.

You ever see that classic film, Bruce Cassidy and the Impending Firing? Or is this one of those cases where, in the summer, we get news that the Bruins are removing the interim tag? Boy, that would be a shrewd decision.

Fire literally the only guy your biggest rival can hire and then double down on his former understudy, who’s never advanced out of the second round as a head coach at a level that wasn’t the ECHL.

From what we’ve seen in Cassidy, he hasn’t been able to get his team to do the two basic things you learn in the lower levels of every sport: One, don’t let the other team do the classic “throw it up to the cherry picker move.” Two, don’t retaliate.

But as boring as the Bruins are whenever the first line is off the ice, I will admit that watching this team can be fun if you do it on NESN. That way you get to laugh at the blatant homerism on display, as well as the ridiculous fashion in which Jack Edwards pronounces “Pastrnak,” as if he’s either an STD or a Water Pokémon.

Of course any discussion of the Boston Bruins is incomplete without talking about the epitome of the anti-hero, He Who Must Always Maim.

The guy is perfect for this age of shows and films that revere morally conflicted protagonists. Just when you start to admire his work for Team Canada and his silencing of Internet trolls, he goes and does another shady, slimy thing 

It might not be so bad if he owned up to it. Or, at the very least, wasn’t a complete hypocrite. As far as metaphors go, what’s this? The Patriots calling another team morally bankrupt? Ben Affleck telling Mark Wahlberg that the latter’s obsession with Southie patriotism “feels a little forced?”

And at what point here is Patrice Bergeron guilty by association?

Also, is it too early to call David Krejci injury prone? The guy’s only played three playoff games in the last three years.

Actually, it’s not the first time a Bruin wasn’t able to handle a clean hit in the playoffs.

It’s a strange feeling. I distinctly remember the Bruins being good. But it’s starting to feel like awhile ago now.

The other night, Jimmy Fallon and Rachel Dratch came back on Saturday Night Live to reprise their roles as scummy Bostonians who say “you ahhhhh,” something I remember being funny back in the day.

It kinda sucked.

—

Nathan Caddell is a freelance journalist who has worked for a variety of publications including iPolitics.ca, the Georgia Straight, the Vancouver Courier andCapital News Online. Born and raised in Vancouver.

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