#seriously everyone and their grandma patented one of those things back in the day

[identifyingtrainsinposts]

choc late

(/j)

Generic late 1860s early 1870s 4-6-0. (North American, No specific Basis)

Something like Central Pacific's Growler. (Built 1868 by the Danforth Locomotive and Machine Company)

Note the little wheel well thingies above the driving wheels, and the decorative piece of metal between the last 2 pairs of drivers.

Chocolate Train! by Amaury Guichon (aka Chocolate Guy)

[tracybirds]

Don’t talk to me about timelines XD lockdown 3.0 was an unpleasant surprise but it did give me some fun fodder to play with. Missing from this were the stream of Valentines to Covid that spread around my section of NZ social media XD I was tempted to make Scott write some, but alas it didn’t fit. Obviously plenty has been fudged, it’s definitely not meant to be taken too seriously and more allows me to collect together some of the mixed emotions of getting a five hour countdown to lockdown D: That was not fun lol like far out, and we had to prepped for remote learning by 9am the next day. Scott is not allowed to complain further in his swanky apartment and no job XDD

In all seriousness, this is Scott’s story for FabFiveFeb2021, hosted by the ever lovely @gumnut-logic (Happy Birthday! still the right day in Aus, I didn’t miss it right :0 either way *hugs*** and I hope it was a nice day :DD)

Prompt used was “Are you kidding?” - it really resonated on Sunday evening ahaha (okay I will stop rambling in my defense it’s post midnight and I have feverishly pummelled this out in a couple of hours, it had been itching at me all day.... I missed that feeling :DDD)

----------------------

Scott was International Rescue through and through, but in the murky waters of the central business district, he thrived.

It was a closed meeting, stretching into the long shadowy hours of the evening. Legal advisors quibbled over clauses while Scott exchanged pleasantries with the company representatives, talking up his local ties to New Zealand’s City of Sails.

“My Dad taught me to sail, right out there in the harbour, you know.”

A casual remark but carefully designed to make himself seem approachable and down-to-earth, just another “one of the guys”. His associate had also sailed once, a national representative in his youth, although time and his new habit of lunch meetings had left those days long in the past.

Personal connections made more money than the lawyers in the background ever could, and Scott prided himself on the homegrown touch.

“Mine too,” said the jovial, middle aged man. “Although I reckon it wasn’t near as pretty a yacht as yours. I’ve read up on you as well, you know.”

Scott laughed, clapping the man on the shoulder.

“Len, I knew we’d get on. What do you say to dinner? This has been going on for far too long.”

“I know a great place that keeps a table reserved for me. Even on Valentine’s.”

“I’m flattered.” He nodded to Van Zyl briefly before addressing the small crowd.

“Ladies, gentlemen. You’ve done some good work, and it’s been a long one. We’ll leave it here for the night and reconfer in the morning.”

He acknowledged the tired smiles and leaned back and listened as the chatter evolved from the dry intricacies of patent law into cheery conversation of dinner plans and family time ahead.

He turned and looked out at the city, lights starting to turn on in the early evening light. The sun wouldn’t set for another half hour or so and he wanted to make the most of what they had left in the day.

So did the rest of the Auckland population it seemed. Cars were flooding into the area, people starting to stream into office buildings.

“So, Federal Street?”

“Len, what’s going on down there?” he asked, jabbing a finger down at the street below.

“Sorry?”

He and Len watched, dumbfounded as the office buildings lit up one by one, lights turning on and off again mere minutes later.

“Mr Tracy! Mr Van Zyl!”

“Charlotte, what is it? What’s happening?”

“Oh, Scott, I mean, Mr Tracy, sorry sir.”

“Charlotte. Take a breath,” commanded Scott, letting the authority of Thunderbird One bleed into his voice. “Tell us what’s happened.”

Charlotte shook her head, her hand creeping up over her mouth. She handed him her tablet.

“It’s a civil defence lockdown, effective midnight.”

A cold dread crept up Scott’s spine.

“Tonight?!”

Len pulled out a comm beside him and started dialling. The person on the other end picked up at the first ring, and dimly Scott could hear her calm, measured voice transmitted through the device.

“Can I help?” he asked, still staring at the stark words on the page.

“I… uh... help? Sir?”

“With the civil defence response, with the company, I don’t know!” He looked up, desperation in his eyes. “What can I do to help?”

Charlotte shook her head, pressing her lips together tightly.

“Mr Tracy, we have an isolation response in place, at your father’s request. Leave the board to organise the company, you need to get home and…”

“No.”

Charlotte’s voice pitched up a near octave.

“Sir, I must insist…”

“There are lockdown protocols on the island as well,” snapped Scott. “I can’t just go home, risk my family, my Grandma.”

She shook her head again.

“You can’t help here. They’ve done it before. It’s Level Three, people will be able to collect gear tomorrow if needed, we’re set up for remote offices and the last thing people need is you dilly-dallying in the top office.”

A loud shrieking alarm pierced through her final words and Scott flinched at the sound.

Len yelped next to him, dropping his comm with a curse.

“Damn emergency alerts, don’t they know the whole country has heard by now? Why do they just SHUT UP!” he bellowed at the still beeping comm. “It’s so unnecessary, the first time we went under, I thought we were about to evacuate for a volcanic eruption. Staying home, it’s hardly an emergency.”

Charlotte did little to hide her scorn, but Scott smothered a smile as he read through the full message.

“Okay, fine,” he said at last. “I can bunker down at the apartment for a few days.”

“Weeks, I’d be prepping for,” interrupted Len. “Hard to say of course, but they keep extending them.”

“You know why we do it,” said Charlotte, coolly.

He shrugged. “Doesn’t mean I have to pretend it’s a holiday like everyone else seems to do.”

“Well, there never was any rest for the wicked, they say,” quipped Scott.

Len barked a sudden laugh.

“You’re alright, Tracy. Shame about how this ended, I’d have liked a bite with you.”

“Well, there’s always next time. Maybe we’ll find time for a shared celebration after all this.”

“My treat, Tracy, my treat,” he said with a chuckle. “Take care now.”

Scott nodded a farewell and turned back to Charlotte.

“You’re going to be fine?”

“I’ll go stay with my Mum,” she said, easily. “She doesn’t like to be in her house alone, and I can’t say I blame her. Holotech’s just not the same as being there, you know?”

“I certainly do,” said Scott, thinking of his brothers, hundreds of kilometres away. “Thank you, Charlotte, I’ll be seeing you.”

“Good luck, Scott.”

***

The downtown apartment was a mere fifteen minute walk from Tracy Tower, but with Charlotte’s words echoing in the back of his mind, the thought of potentially weeks stuck in an incredibly well furnished, yet incredibly unstocked apartment plaguing him, he opted to swing past the local supermarket. Located at the heart of the city, it was never quiet at the best of times but this was unlike anything Scott had ever seen.

The tension in the packed shop was thick as the throng that filled it. Over half the customers were already wearing masks, glaring suspiciously at those who had gone without and Scott self-consciously tugged his rain jacket higher.

Essentials, he thought wildly, just eggs and milk and bread and….

There was no bread. No flour either and the confectionary aisle was already looking sparse. He grabbed a few chocolate bars and threw them in the basket.

“Excuse me,” he said, waving down a frantic and wild-eyed shop assistant. “Do you have any bread out back?”

“No way man, haven’t you heard? Lockdown hits in like three hours, people are going mental.”

“But I don’t have any food at home, I was meant to be flying back tomorrow morning.”

The shop assistant, Ariki as his name badge proclaimed him, grimaced in sympathy.

“That’s hard luck that is. You don’t live in Auckland?”

“No, I don’t. But I won’t be able to get home now either.”

He nodded, like he’d heard it before.

“You’re thinking this is like last year, aren’t you?”

“I, uh, yes.”

“Right,” said Ariki, still nodding along with him. “Right, well it’s not quite the same so don’t stress out. Look, you can still get takeaways this time, we’ll be restocked tomorrow and all the real crazies–” he nodded towards a pair who were arguing over what looked like the last can of baked beans, “–yeah, they’ll be tucked up at home, refusing to take a step outside, it’ll be sweet as.”

Scott stared at him, then looked over at the line snaking through the frozen food aisle, between the meat and dairy and coiling up in the sad looking and so-called fresh produce.

The two chocolate bars and eggs he’s managed to grab hardly seemed worth it at all.

“I can put those back if you want.”

“Yeah,” said Scott, dazedly. “Yeah, thanks that’s be great.”

Ariki smirked a little.

“We’re reopening at seven, yeah? I’ll see you then.”

“Thanks again,” called Scott as he hurried from the shop.

The rain that had been threatening its arrival all weekend was starting to appear, and Scott hurried home, ducking his head down and shoving his hands in his pockets. He knew there’d be enough food for at least his dinner tonight and Ariki was right, he could sort the rest in the morning.

A swipe of his keycard, and he shut out the world with a muffled slam of the door and a sigh.

He shucked off his rain jacket, not bothering to hang it up, and trudged into the kitchen. It wasn’t like there’d be anyone around to complain for a while and he was starving. Lunch, the little afternoon tea nibbles they’d provided, even his last coffee felt like it had been drunken in another life.

Dinner, then finally he’d call home.

He didn’t doubt they already knew what was happening, was probably wondering why he hadn’t called, but none of them had even been swept up in the chaos of lockdown preparations.

He stared blankly in front of the fridge, the cold, bluish light illuminating him in the dark room. The sun had fully set by now, and the last vestiges of twilight had given way to the true, deep night with the onset of rainfall.

His carefully defrosting steak wasn’t on the shelf, and he looked around him in confusion, wondering if he’d accidentally left the meat out on the bench. He was hungry enough that he didn’t think he’d care and his stomach was well practiced at digesting the indigestible, bug and all.

On the kitchen counter was a neat pile: a plate, used utensils and cooking equipment all stacked together, waiting to be washed.

Scott blinked.

“Oh, hey, Scott,” called Gordon’s cheerful voice from behind him.

Scott whirled around, gaping at his younger brother, suddenly in their New Zealand apartment and not where he ought to have been – namely a thousand odd kilometres north east of the kitchen they were standing in.

“Are you kidding me?”

“What?”

“You,” Scott shouted, jabbing a finger towards Gordon. “You ate my dinner!”

“Oh, crap.”

Gordon bolted a split second before Scott charged at him, yelling wildly with all his might.

“Scott, I’m sorry, it was – shit, I mean – come on, it was past nine, I thought you’d been out, and I, oh damn, I, Scott, damn it, I’m not dressed.”

“I don’t care, you ate my food, have you seen the grocery stores? It’s absolute chaos, you traitor, you can go out and get me something, put some pants on and move.”

Gordon yelped as he dove over the couch.

“Okay, I can see there’s been some errors in judgement here,” said Gordon, panting. “I’m sorry, Scott, I really am.”

Scott glared.

“Not good enough.” He paused, eyeing Gordon as he cowered behind the sofa. “What are you even doing here?”

“Uh, excuse me?”

“Here. What are you doing in Auckland?”

“Happy birthday to me too, love you bro, congrats on surviving another year.”

“You came to Auckland for your birthday?”

“Yeah.” Gordon sat up cautiously. “Couldn’t exactly see Penny, and it’s not like there’s many other places that will let us in.”

“I thought we counted as a US territory.”

“John cleared it with someone, I don’t know.” He shrugged. “Didn’t want to be stuck at home for my birthday. And look how that turned out.”

He did look extraordinarily sorry for himself.

Scott sighed, and reached out a hand.

“Go get some damn pants on,” he grumbled. “And go look for Virgil’s emergency snacks, I know he stores them everywhere.”

“Yeah, okay.”

“I mean it, don’t you dare come back unless you bring me food.”

Gordon snorted.

“Sure, wouldn’t want to provoke the wrath of a starving Scooter.”

Scott jerked his body towards Gordon, and smirked as he bolted up the stairs towards the bedrooms, before sinking down into the cushions and closing his eyes.

The comm beeped gently, a stark contrast from the blaring alert from earlier.

“Hey,” he said, opening an eye as Virgil was projected in front of him.

“Tell me you’re not–”

“Oh, I am.”

“Gordon too?”

“Yep.”

“Damn.”

“Tell me about it.”

They were both quiet for few seconds, thinking about how rapidly the world had seemed to shift around them.

“I suppose it’s only for a few days,” began Virgil, but Scott was already shaking his head.

“We gotta do the full two weeks. After that, we ought to be able to clear an exit with the harbourmaster and the coast guard, even if it’s not over, but we can’t come back earlier. The only reason we could move freely before without our helmets is because–”

“Preaching to the choir, Scott. I get it.”

“You gonna be alright without us?”

Virgil shrugged. “Rescues are down what with more people staying at home. Alan and I can handle the small change, and Kayo’s been itching for some POD practice recently. We’ll manage. Besides, you’re the one stuck with Gordon.”

“Hey!”

“Food,” growled Scott and Gordon threw a muesli bar and a tube of M&Ms at him.

“Is that mine?”

“Gordon ate my dinner and the shops were out of everything,” grumbled Scott. “Blame him.”

“It’s my birthday, I don’t deserve this.”

“Cry me a river.”

“Alright, don’t kill each other before the two weeks is up. John’s already organised a betting pool, don’t give him the satisfaction of winning again, he’ll be insufferable.”

“Oh, he’s on,” said Gordon, grinning. “Tell him I put fifty bucks on Scott tipping me out of bed or off the couch by the end of the week.”

“Got it.”

“You can’t bet against us,” said Scott, mumbling around the chocolate. “I thought you were on my side.”

“You tried to murder me over a steak.”

“The jury would have never convicted.”

“Okay, I can see you two are going to have a fun time,” said Virgil, loudly over their bickering. “See you in two weeks.”

He didn’t wait for a response. After all, two weeks was a smidge outside even his patience.

[tripleaxeldiaz]

subtle as a brick in the small of my back

Eddie’s proposing to Buck. The whole team finds out first. It goes about as well as expected (not well at all)

Or: 5 times the team almost blows Eddie’s cover, and 1 time it’s already blown

read on ao3

In retrospect, Eddie really did this to himself.

But, in his defense, he had to tell Maddie — she was Buck’s sister, his only blood relative, and the only one who would honestly tell him if the ring was horribly ugly. And he had to tell Bobby — the guy was practically Buck’s step-father, and he wanted to avoid any possible lecture from his mother about not being “considerate” or “chivalrous” when it came to asking a man’s pseudo son to marry him.

He should have known, however, that it wasn’t just telling those two — he should have known it was telling Bobby, who would tell Athena, who would tell Hen, who would tell Chimney, who had already heard it from Maddie, and who was now practically skipping around the firehouse announcing it to everyone else.

Eddie watches from the kitchen as Chim flits around like a damn bumblebee spreading the good news about Buck and Eddie’s pending engagement. He’s not a holy man, but he prays to whoever is listening that Buck doesn’t find out until Eddie actually gets to ask him himself.

Whoever hears him has the worst sense of humor.

Buck and Eddie don’t like to be apart after bad calls.

This one could have been worse — four car pile up in the carpool lane with three critical injuries, all kids. They were in the ICU and expected to make full recoveries, but it’s still not easy pulling mangled bodies the same size as Christoper out of wrecked cars.

They sat close in the truck coming back to the station, thighs pressed together, shoulders overlapping. They changed together in the locker room, never far away enough that they couldn’t feel the others’ warmth. They climbed the stairs together to the lounge, Eddie’s hand around Buck’s wrist, making sure he stayed upright until they could fall onto the couch.

They’re better now, overall. They checked in with Carla and Chris (who were apparently in the process of an intricate arts and crafts project that required hot glue and a pound of glitter. Eddie can’t wait to clean that out of the house for the next 10 years). The TV in the lounge is softly playing a rerun of Chopped. Eddie is sitting in the corner of the couch, feet on the coffee table, fingers running through Buck’s short hair where his head is settled in his lap. His other hand rests on Buck’s chest, right over his heart, and he listens to Buck’s critical commentary of each chef’s use of ingredients. They know the bell will probably ring in the next 15 minutes and they’ll be right back in the truck, but for now they sink into this brief moment of peace.

Eddie’s so focused on the show and Buck’s apparently extensive knowledge of ways to prepare salmon that he doesn’t even notice Bobby coming over until the couch dips as he sits down.

“You boys doing okay?” he asks, a soft smile on his lips. Buck adjusts to see him better, sitting up to lean on Eddie’s chest, Eddie’s arm slung over his shoulder.

“Yeah, we’re good. Chris has a surprise craft for us when we get home, though I think the mess he makes will be more surprising than anything else.”

Eddie huffs out a laugh, craning his neck to kiss the crown of Buck’s head. When he looks back at Bobby, the look the captain has on his face seems...sentimental. A little too sentimental, if Eddie’s being honest.

Buck must notice it too. He cocks his head and asks, “Are you okay Cap? You’re lookin’ a little misty over there.”

Bobby smiles and shakes his head, eyes shining. “I’m good, kid. Just...really excited for you guys.”

Eddie narrows his eyes. That’s a weird thing to say.

“Excited?” Buck asks, cocking his head even more. “What, that we didn’t get crushed on the highway?”

Bobby laughs. “Well yeah, of course. But also, you know, just excited that you guys have each other to lean on in the bad times like this. And you’ll have each other for a really long time. Forever, hopefully.”

Now Eddie’s eyes are wide in panic. Seriously? You’ll have each other for a really long time? He gives Bobby a look over Buck’s head that hopefully reads as If you don’t stop talking right now I’ll spray you with the hose and I won’t even feel bad about it.

Buck — beautiful, slightly oblivious Buck — just turns to look at Eddie, a smile lighting up his face (a relief to see after the past few hours). “Yeah, I’m pretty excited about that too.”

Eddie melts a little, returning Buck’s smile. Before he can fully respond, the bell rings, and Buck jumps to his feet. He stretches, shaking off any lingering cobwebs of their last call before heading into another one. He kisses Eddie’s cheek as he passes to head to the stairs.

He watches him bound down to the truck, still smiling, before turning to Bobby with narrowed eyes again.

“I’m pretty sure my 11 year old is better at being subtle than you are.”

Bobby claps his shoulder as he follows Buck to the stairs. “Don’t worry, I don’t think he noticed anything. Consider that a precursor to my speech at the wedding.”

Eddie sighs, hopes he’s right, and follows the team to the truck.

~~~~~~~~~~

Eddie stares at Maddie’s kitchen island in the same awestruck confusion he usually has on Buffridays. This week’s spread consists of lasagna, garlic knots, summer rolls, banh mi, tacos, and what he’s pretty sure is fried cheesecake. He feels Buck come up next to him, hip checking him as he gets one of everything on his plate before returning to the couch to pick their movie for the night. Eddie follows suit, skipping the cheesecake but promising he’ll come back later, before dropping down next to his boyfriend, who immediately turns and gives him a quick peck on the temple.

Eddie does not blush and smile like an idiot, despite this being a regular thing that has occurred for the entire two year duration of their relationship. He doesn’t. He’s totally used to how much and how openly Buck loves him. It’s fine.

Maddie walks over while they bicker about what movie to watch and sits on Buck’s other side. She clears her throat, halting their argument between Booksmart and Heathers, and pulls something out of her pocket.

Buck turns toward her and freezes. Eddie looks over as well and sees her holding a scrap of dark blue fabric. It’s inky and rich and speckled with white dots, almost like…

“The Milky Way Dress? Maddie, I can’t believe you still have this, why—”

“I finally got around to cleaning out the last of my boxes, pretty much a bunch of old stuff I was not ready to deal with when I left.” She smiles, wistful and a little sad. “I found this and just thought it was time to pass it on to you.”

Buck’s in shock, Eddie can tell. His eyes are wide and his mouth hangs open like it did the first time Christopher referred to the two of them as “his dads”, or like it did when Eddie told him that he wanted to spend the rest of their lives together (and no that was not a proposal, Eddie was hopped up on drugs after falling off a second story roof at a call. He barely remembers it, save for the look on Buck’s face. Doesn’t count.).

Buck takes the fabric reverently, turning it in his hands and running it through his fingers. He turns to Eddie, a soft smile on his face, and Eddie places his hand on his thigh reassuringly. He can tell there’s a story, and he’s happy to wait until Buck’s ready to share.

“This is— wow. So my grandma was one of the main people who raised me, along with Maddie. And she was crazy in the best way, very Miss Frizzle. She used to make all her own clothes with crazy fabric, and she always made me a matching shirt or belt or something. She got this Milky Way fabric once, and I was just obsessed with it, I wouldn’t shut up about it. So she went all out — she made me a shirt, a belt, a tie, a damn suit out of the stuff. I wore them as much as humanly possible for the next few years before my parents ‘accidentally’ donated them away.”

“You wore that suit for picture day until you were 13,” Maddie reminds him.

“Yeah, exactly.” Buck laughs wetly, wiping at his eyes. “But Grandma loved it as much as I did and always wore the matching dress when I came to visit. When she died when I was 16, she made it very clear in her will that she wanted to be buried in that dress. And Maddie, genius that she is, cut some scraps off the dress so we could always have a part of her. I lost mine in one of my billion moves, but now…”

“I kept part of this scrap too, but I wanted to give most of it to you,” Maddie says. “I know how close you two were. I used it as my ‘something old’ and ‘something blue’ at my wedding, so I figured you could use it too for...I don’t know, something. Down the line.”

She catches Eddie’s eye in a silent apology. He’s glad she caught herself because he’s still a little too wrapped up in watching Buck relive all these obviously happy memories to register much of anything else going on.

He watches Buck for a little longer as he folds the fabric back up, placing it in his back pocket. He turns and wraps his sister in a patented Buckley Bear Hug, laughing as he kisses the top of her head.

“Thank you, Mads. Seriously, this is...perfect. It’s just perfect.”

“Of course, I’m just glad I found it for you. And seriously, don’t lose it. I have a feeling you’re going to need it soon.” She pats his cheek fondly, sending a not so sly wink to Eddie.

Eddie somehow manages to keep his groan in his head as Buck settles between them again, picking up the remote.

“Alright gang, I really think the only way we’ll be able to balance out all this sappy stuff is with the glorious violence of Heathers…”

~~~~~~~~~~

Laughter erupts as soon as Eddie gets to the front door of the Grant-Nash house, so he waits a minute before knocking. The door swings open, and he’s greeted by the sounds of soft jazz, the smells of home cooking, and the vision of his boyfriend looking happy, relaxed, and definitely buzzed.

“Ah, my knight in shining armor, come to fetch me away!” Buck smiles his lopsided smile as he lets Eddie in and kisses him soundly. He tastes like Merlot and chocolate and just Buck. Eddie’s pretty sure he can get drunk off that taste alone.

“More like your chauffeur in a shining Silverado, but being a knight sounds much more fun.” Buck falls into a fit of giggles, his head collapsing onto Eddie’s shoulder, and Eddie can’t help but laugh along with him. Few things fill him with as much joy as seeing Buck so unabashedly happy, and he’ll relish in it for as long as he can, whenever he can.

Buck grabs his hand and pulls him towards the kitchen. “Come sit, Athena said she has some wedding stuff for me before we go.”

Eddie’s stomach drops past his feet, possibly all the way to the center of the earth.

His internal monologue goes off the rails — dammit he should have asked by now, none of the big romantic plans he’s come up with seem good enough so he just keeps waiting, but maybe since it’s all ruined he’ll just do it tomorrow morning when they’re eating breakfast or tomorrow night after they put Chris to bed, and Jesus Christ he should never tell any of their friends anything ever again—

Pull it together, Diaz. Be chill. Maybe it’s nothing. Of all people, Athena would never break a secret so easily. She’s a cop for crying out loud.

“Wedding stuff?” he asks in a voice way too squeaky to ever be considered “chill”.

Thankfully, alcohol is an exceptional buffer to Buck noticing Eddie in a full on crisis. He turns to him with bright eyes and says, “Yeah, for Maddie! She told Athena she’s been dropping hints to Chim for a while now and thinks he’ll pop the question soon. She wants to get a jump start on things so they can have the wedding by the end of the year.”

Well now he’s pissed for an entirely different reason.

Before he can hit send on a text to Chim — what the hell dude are you trying to steal my thunder??? — Athena comes back to the table with three boxes full of binders, pamphlets, and fabric samples. Eddie stands to help, and she gives him a look he can’t quite read before flashing a smile at Buck.

“This should be everything Bobby had. There’s lists of venues with how many people they hold and how much they charge for food. There’s samples for place settings, centerpieces, and decorations. And there’s lists of bakeries for the cake, plus what allergies they can cater to and price estimates. I hope to God there are no other boxes but if there are, I’ll let you know.”

“Wow,” Buck marvels as he flips through a book of flower arrangements. “Bobby really doesn’t half-ass anything, does he?”

Athena chuckles as she finishes the last of her wine. “No he does not. Sometimes it’s a gift, sometimes it’s a curse that clutters up my closet for three years.”

“Well thanks very much Athena, I know Maddie will be thrilled to not plan a second wedding completely from scratch.” He hugs her tight and kisses her cheek before grabbing a box and heading to the door. “I’ll keep these safe for her until Chim gets his ass in gear. Babe, can you get the other two?”

Eddie’s already in the process of grabbing them before Buck finishes his question. He smiles soft and bright when he sees, kissing Eddie’s temple. “You really are my knight in shining armor.”

Eddie’s sure he’s got hearts in his eyes as he watches Buck leave and load up the truck. He’s only able to turn away when he feels Athena come up next to him.

“Speaking of getting asses in gear…”

“I know,” Eddie sighs. “I’m working on it. I just...it needs to be perfect. That’s what he deserves.”

“Honey, it’ll be perfect because it’s you asking. That’s all he cares about. Don’t think too hard about it.”

“Well looks like I have to do it sooner rather than later anyway. I cannot believe Chim’s gonna—”

“Oh, he’s not.”

Eddie squints. “He’s not?”

“No, those are for you guys, not Maddie. I really needed them out of the house and didn’t know how long I’d be waiting.” She levels Eddie with a look again, and he somehow feels like he’s 16 and his mom wasn’t “mad” at him for doing something dumb, just “disappointed”. “I already gave Maddie a heads up so she’ll play along. Just try to ask him before we all start going grey, okay?”

“Yes ma’am.” She smiles and pats his cheek before leading him out the door.

~~~~~~~~~~

“Wow, I don’t think I’ve seen these in person since I was in high school,” Buck says as Hen sits down across from him at the kitchen table, dropping a bunch of small, thick packages Eddie can’t quite see from his post at the coffee machine.

He blearily grabs the two cups of coffee he made, making his way over to the table. He places one mug in front of Buck, earning him a relieved smile and wink as he sits down, looking over to see what Hen brought in. The table is covered in developed pictures from old disposable cameras, dozens of glossy frames of people in suits and cocktail dresses laughing, a beautiful dessert table, something that looks suspiciously like a conga line.

“Are these from an old LAFD gala or something?” Eddie asks as Buck snorts out a laugh. He holds a picture up so Eddie can see Chimney with a tie around his head, perched on someone’s shoulders, yelling at something out of frame. “Oh that’s definitely getting blown up to poster size.”

“Actually,” Hen says, “these are from mine and Karen’s wedding.”

Eddie freezes mid sip of coffee, eyes snapping to Hen, who just stares back at him with feigned innocence and barely concealed glee. Hen’s smart, smarter than all of them put together, and while he knows she won’t tell Buck anything outright, he also knows she is thoroughly enjoying this opportunity to make Eddie squirm.

“Whoa,” Buck says. “There’s got to be at least a thousand pictures here. How’d you get so many in one night?”

“We had a few cameras on every table and told the guests to go nuts. We have some professional shots of the reception, but we wanted to see it how everyone else saw it too. And we decided to wait until our 10 year anniversary to get them developed so we could have a little walk down memory lane.”

“Huh, that’s a pretty good idea,” Buck murmurs thoughtfully, still absorbed in all the pictures in front of him. Eddie agrees, the cameras are a great idea, and he tucks that into the filing cabinets of his brain to use when they have their wedding.

If they ever have their wedding.

Eddie’s working on it. Really. He’s got the skeleton of a plan that will be beautiful and romantic and not too big, but big enough that Buck will know without a doubt how much Eddie loves him. So it’ll be soon, okay? Very soon. As long as someone doesn’t ruin everything before his plan can actually get set into motion.

He sees Hen’s smile get bigger, like she can see Eddie’s brain starting to overheat a little.

She leans over the table, pointing to one of the pictures. “I also recommend doing a dessert table instead of a big ugly cake. You can do a bunch of good stuff too like cupcakes, pie, we just went to a wedding with a candy bar…”

“A candy bar!?” Buck looks at Eddie like a kid on Christmas, and Eddie files that idea away too (while also noting that he’ll have to remind Buck that they probably can’t only have gummy worms at a candy bar).

“And you guys should definitely have a live band, they’re much better at getting people to dance than a DJ.”

Eddie clocks the “you guys” and starts sweating a little more. Hen notices too, eyes widening at Eddie like she knows she went a little too far.

Buck, by some miracle, still seems caught up in the fantasy of a 12-foot table covered in gummy worms.

He looks at Hen, eyebrows furrowed. “You don’t think a DJ is better? I feel like they have way better music usually. Live bands have, like, the same seven songs, and one of them is always ‘Footloose’.”

They continue to debate the pros and cons as Eddie stands to put his mug in the sink, squeezing Buck’s shoulder as he passes. Buck grabs his hand, kissing the inside of his wrist before letting him go, all without breaking conversation on whether “Shout!” or “The Macarena” is a more annoying song. Eddie’s stomach flutters like it always does with Buck’s absentminded displays of affection, but the butterflies also seem to be saying It’s time to get your shit together and ask this man for his hand in marriage, idiot.

Eddie closes his eyes, resting his head on the cabinet above the sink.

The butterflies are right. A little rude, but still right.

~~~~~~~~~~

Eddie knew Chimney was going to be the hardest loose end to round up.

He had stood at the top of the stairs, arms crossed, as Chim came up after telling the station (and probably the entire city of Los Angeles) that Eddie and Buck were getting engaged. “Chim, man, look—”

“No worries, Eddie,” Chim said, holding a hand up to cut Eddie off. “Cross my heart, I will not say a word to Buck. I’m sure you have something big and sappy in the works, and I will not be the person to screw that up.”

Eddie deflated a bit, still eyeing Chim warily. Chim just smiled back, clapping a hand on his shoulder and squeezing reassuringly. “Look, I’m so, so happy for you guys. You’ve both been through the ringer and still managed to find each other and create a beautiful life for yourselves. You guys really deserve it, and I—” He cleared his throat as his eyes filled with tears. He opened his mouth like he wanted to keep going, but he pulled Eddie into a tight hug instead.

“Thanks Chim, that’s...that’s really sweet.” Eddie felt his voice crack around the lump in his throat as he patted his friend on the back. They pulled away, laughing quietly and wiping their eyes.

“Plus,” Chimney said, punching Eddie softly on the shoulder, “we’re basically in-laws now, so there’s definitely a bro code. Add that to the firefighter bro code, and I’m double coded, man.”

“So you’ll...double keep the secret?”

“Exactly.” Chim patted his back as he walked toward the kitchen. Eddie watched him go, still trying to put together the double code thing that was definitely not actually a thing.

In his own weird way, Chim had seemed sincere in keeping his mouth shut. Eddie really thought that had been that.

That had most certainly not been that.

Because since Chim couldn’t let out his excitement with words, he had to let it out in other ways.

Namely, tears. An ungodly amount of tears.

The whole team is in the lounge, flipping channels until they land on Say Yes to the Dress. Chim blinks at the TV, then whips his head to where Buck and Eddie are squished together on the couch. Eddie catches his gaze, watching his eyes begin to water before he’s up and running down the stairs. Hen barks out a laugh and tries to hide it in a cough. Bobby shakes his head and looks toward the sky, either asking God for strength or to smite him where he sits.

They’re at the kitchen table early in the morning, heads bent together as Buck shows Eddie a TikTok on his phone (Eddie doesn’t get the deal with these things, but they make Buck laugh so hard he snorts so he’ll allow it). They’re startled by a strangled sob from across the room and look up to see Chim rushing past them to the coffee machine rubbing his eyes, his shoulders still shaking as he adds milk to his mug. Buck shoots Eddie a confused look, and Eddie just shrugs helplessly before shooting a death glare to the back of Chim’s head.

Buck and Chim are chatting in the locker room when Eddie arrives for shift, dropping his bag next to Buck and giving him a quick peck hello on the cheek. Buck smiles at him, reaching up to push back a lock of hair that had fallen on Eddie’s forehead in his hustle to be on time (he’s growing his hair out again because he likes it that way, okay, not because Buck told him he looked like a sexy Superman when it was longer). They turn back to Chim in time to see tears begin to fall in earnest, which he quickly blames on allergies before scooting past them and out of the room.

“Is Chim like...good?” Buck asks, watching Chim walk away blowing his nose in his shirt. All Eddie had done was smile (probably a little dreamily) at some dumb joke Buck made, but that was enough apparently.

“He’s fine,” Eddie replies quickly. “He’s just...you know. Going through it. I guess.”

Bobby snorts from behind the stove as he flips a grilled cheese.

Buck sighs. “Should we remind him about therapy at least? I’m just worried he’s gonna be perpetually dehydrated or something.”

“I don’t know if therapy is what he needs,” Bobby says, looking pointedly at Eddie. Eddie throws a napkin at him.

Buck turns to Bobby confused but is quickly distracted by the hot sandwich placed in front of him. They launch into a debate on the best combination of cheese for a grilled cheese, Chim’s hydration levels seemingly forgotten.

Luckily for everyone, they’re almost in the clear. Reservations have been made, Chris’s sleeping arrangements have been confirmed, and Eddie’s even picked out an outfit. Everything is finally ready.

Eddie’s excited, more excited than he can remember being in a very long time, possibly since Christopher was born.

He also feels like he’s gonna hurl.

Hopefully that’s a good sign.

~~~~~~~~~~

He settled on recreating their first official date. It’s just cheesy enough that Buck will get a kick out of telling the story over and over and simple enough that Eddie can handle everything without involving one single other person.

It’s really nothing crazy: dinner at their favorite Italian restaurant and watching the sunset on the beach, brown bagging a bottle of wine like they’re in college. Eddie even knows what he’s going to say already, going over it again and again in his head so he can get everything out perfectly.

That first date, Eddie had accidentally told Buck he loved him. He hadn’t planned on it at all, but the words had been bubbling under his skin for so long at that point it was a relief to get them out in the open. He was immediately terrified he had said them too fast, too soon, but Buck simply pushed him back into the sand and kissed him soft and sincere, more teeth than anything once they both gave up on holding back their smiles.

He doesn’t want to be so caught off guard by his own brain this time. Not for something this important.

But that all has to wait until tomorrow.

Tonight, Chris is with Abuela (who slyly offered to keep him all weekend so Eddie and Buck could “celebrate properly”, which Eddie was both thankful for and mortified by, hearing from his grandma), they had ordered Chinese, and are now watching a movie that (blessedly) has no cartoon characters randomly bursting into song.

It’s normal, domestic, something they do at least once a week.

And yet Eddie feels like his skin is on fire, his heart beating so fast he’s sure it’ll break through his ribs at any moment.

He’s looking at Buck, feels his chest on his back, his strong arm around his shoulders, drawing absent-minded shapes across his chest as his attention is focused on Bill and Ted meeting Rufus in the phone booth for the first time. The light of the TV highlights Buck’s jaw and cheekbones, casts an ethereal glow on his unkempt curls. He laughs at something, a rumble deep in his chest, head tipping back slightly exposing the long line of his neck.

He’s beautiful. Stunning, inside and out. The most amazing thing that has ever deemed Eddie worthy of attention and love, aside from his son.

And if he doesn’t ask him to be his forever right now, this minute, he’s absolutely going to explode.

He’s off the couch and striding toward the bedroom before his brain even tries to stop him. He hears Buck faintly call, “Baby? Are you okay?” but is too busy rifling through his sock drawer to answer. He holds the blue velvet box firmly in his hand and takes a deep breath.

He had been waiting and planning and trying his damnedest to keep this all under wraps so by the time he asked, everything would be perfectly romantic and swoon-worthy, a story they could tell their kids and grandkids and great-grandkids to inspire them to find a love like theirs. A moment so perfect that there would be no doubts about how desperately Eddie needs Buck in his life until he’s buried in the ground, and probably even after that. Buck deserves to know that Eddie would go to the ends of the earth to make him happy, have it spelled out in the stars just how deeply he makes Eddie feel loved and safe, and that he’d do anything to make sure Buck feels that in return, always.

But, really, they’ve never been perfect. They’re messy sometimes, and gritty. Too loud or too soft or too much or not enough. They push and pull at each other in good and bad ways, sometimes too far, but sometimes just enough that they come out even better together and apart than they were before.

They’ve never been conventional. So why bother starting now?

When he comes back to the living room, Buck is standing, movie paused, worrying at his hands as he watches Eddie walk in. He freezes as Eddie comes up to him before sinking to one knee, eyes widening as the box opens, revealing a simple, black, titanium band.

And then he’s laughing. Full body, shoulders shaking, like Eddie getting ready to bare his heart and soul to him is the funniest damn thing in the world.

Before he can dive too deeply into his wounded pride, Buck’s kneeling too, placing his hands on either cheek, eyes bright with a little mischief and a lot of love as he says, “It’s about damn time, Diaz.”

Eddie blinks, feels his shoulders slump a little. He wishes he was surprised, but he’s really not.

“Who told you?”

“Oh, no one told me, like, specifically. But Maddie finding our grandma’s dress? And Athena conveniently having all of their old wedding planning stuff? Plus, Chim hasn’t been able to look at me without crying for weeks. I don’t know if you know this, but our friends are really bad at being low key.”

Oh, Eddie knows. He had just been hoping (in vain, it seems) that Buck didn’t.

He breathes out a laugh and shakes his head, leaning into Buck’s hands still framing his face. “Well, can I at least do my speech? I have it memorized and everything. It was supposed to be for tomorrow, but…” He gestures vaguely, encompassing the whole, beautiful mess this has turned into.

“Of course you can,” Buck says, his smile growing by the second. “But hurry up, because I can’t wait to marry the shit out of you.”

And who is Eddie to argue with that?

He takes one of Buck’s hands, squeezing tight. He already knows the answer, but that doesn’t make him any less nervous.

“Evan Buckley, you are the most amazing man I have ever met in my life, and probably the most annoying.” Buck laughs again at that, and Eddie feels all of his insides swoop, his heart filling with so much adoration it’s probably about to crack. “You are unendingly selfless, unbelievably headstrong, kind and gentle, but would kill a man for the people you love without thinking twice. You have shown me more about what it means to love and be loved than I ever thought I could know. You are also responsible for about 75% of my grey hairs.” They’re both crying now, not even bothering to wipe the tears away, wearing them like badges of honor for each other. “You make me a better firefighter, a better friend, a better father, and a better man. I want to spend the rest of my life making sure you know how much I love you, every minute of every hour of every day.” He takes the ring out of the box, holding it up between them. “I want to have your back forever. Will you marry me?”

He barely has the question out before Buck is tackling him to the floor, kissing him so deeply he feels it in his atoms. He gets the ring on at some point, lips never leaving Buck’s, and they get lost in each other, in happiness, in love, in excitement at getting to spend their lives together, as a family.

Nothing leading up to this was perfect. But he wouldn’t trade any of it — their chaotic lives, their ups and downs, their crazy, unsubtle family — for anything in the world.

But next time he’s planning a surprise, he will absolutely be keeping it to himself.

[adambstingus]

Are You The One Season Finale Recap: Just Put Me Out of My Goddamn Misery (PART TWO)

Since everyone bitches and whines about how long my recaps are, I separated them into two parts. Pick up a book, you lazy pieces of shit and read part 1 here >>

Chuck is like, were not going to win so next match ceremony Im picking Britni and everyone is like Chuck and Alec start yelling at each other and having a food fight, which pisses off Alec more because hes a firm believer that you should never waste food.

Alec: WE SHOULD NEVER QUIT Chuck: Eat a dick dude

Chuck goes up to push Alec, which is a huge mistake surfer brah, and Alec shoves Chuck to the ground like hes made of paper. Alec, congrats, your ovaries have officially transformed into a small chode of a penis. Gotta start somewhere.

Britni is like You would shove Chuck, who btw looks like a Ken doll version of the lead singer of AFI, for money?! Thats some shit ONLY poor people would say. Britni, people have done way worse shit for way less money. Read a book, tune into the news, watch Empire (or read my recaps).

Rashida and Devin are like And I agree. I did not sit through 10 weeks of this retarded shit to watch yall give up.

Devin is like If I can get this fresh batch of mentally incapable humans to win this stupid fucking reality show, it would be equivalent to the greatest feat in sports history. Which sport? Speed walking? Turn on ESPN Devin, I fucking dare you.

Zak and Hannah are mourning the fact that they arent a match, and tbh, I am too.

Cheyenne is talking to Devin about how he is disrespectful and is like

Devin: (actual quote) Im a shit head, but not a total shit head. – I honestly dont even need to try and be funny for these recaps, they all say enough stupid shit where I dont even have to try.

THE GAME

Chuck is like, I was hammered last night and said dumb shit and Im going to actually play this thing. Thank god Chuck, otherwise I seriously would have cunt punted you, and your little dog too! (Britni)

The game is the easiest one of the season: its an obstacle course with girls sitting on their back. There is a true/false section, where if the team guesses it right, then they get 30 seconds off their time.

Zak and Kayla are in first, which is crazy because Zak might be the smallest out of all of them. Alec is terrible with this shit and is back to being a giant bitch.

Melanie and Tyler go to the true or false thing, where Mel admits she offered Chuck a threesome, which is a new low.

Kayla and Zak win, being the Italian stallions. Rashida and Devin get second and Mel/Tyler get third because they answered the question right- aka, Mel is a closeted freak.

Stacey is talking to Nelson about how she has no idea who her match is and shes talking so fast I could have sworn it was a Gilmore Girls episode. You can def tell Stacey is fucking hammered in this, but its cool. I love Stacey. And apparently so does Nelson. Okay whatever.

Meanwhile, Alec is flirting with Amanda and Kiki is like WTF. Which is literally her reaction to everything- WTF.

THE DATE

Theyre hanging out on fucking boat that doesnt even have a bar. That sounds like some Life of Pi shit.

Devin and Rashida are flirting and shes like except this shitty white guy with a butt chin.

Zak and Kayla are like you remind me of my family so they must be a match- some fucking Freudian shit right there. Chelsey the aspiring psychologist is probably fucking creaming her pants somewhere in the distance.

Tyler and Melanie are like, were besties and Tyler thinks thats code for match but Mel was like,

THE TRUTH BOOTH

The group makes a smart decision for once ,(they probably all broke out in hives afterwards because we all know they are allergic to brainpower), and send Zak and Kayla to the truth booth. Hannah is like Hannah save the stupid lines for Hunter please, babe.

Zak and Kayla make their way to the truth booth, looking like a set of fraternal twins walking into their grandmas 90th birthday. Not gonna lie, Im stressed right now. Im on bottle number 2 of wine, and shit is REAL rn.

Results are in and- THEYRE A PERFECT MATCH! YAAAAAAASSSS.

Everyone is screaming and jumping while Hannah is like, . Its okay Hanz, its not like these matches are real. Those rules arent even real! They were real that day I wore a vest!

Alec and Kiki are flirting and they are drunk AF and Kiki is like Shes talking about how she got stupid fucking matching bracelets for her perfect match and Im like

Devin is doing his shit math again using red solo cups, I feel like an algebra class is being taught in a frat house. Aka this shit is dumb AF.

They determine there are two scenarios- one where Kiki mtches with Alec, and one where she doesnt. Guess which one best friends forever bracelet Kiki wants?

The decide to use deductive reasoning and rationality.

Jk, they decide to flip a fucking coin. I CANT RIGHT NOW WITH YOU PEOPLE. Hunter is like Here is a quarter and ew, I dont trust anyone who has change offhand like that. Get a fucking debit card, you hillbilly fuck.

Kiki is upset because they get scenario one, but you know if the coin flipped for the scenario she wanted shed be like PERFECT! ITS ALL SETTLED, THIS COIN IS HOLY.

Tyler is like, Fuck your heart Tyler, fuck it. Austin is like WOAH you need to figure this shit out. Like I dont mean to sound aggressive, but if you fuck us all over were probs gonna stab you.

Never did I ever think that the game would rest in Tylers hands. Take a drink to that.

THE FINAL MATCH UP CEREMONY

Devin is like, there is a high possibility we lose- not high, almost definite. But he thinks they chose scenario one for a reason, that reason being a coin flip.

Ryan gives some speech about love and how they need it and its like, save it Ryan. Empire comes on in 20 minutes and I need to get this show on the road.

Austin is first and he picks Britni– basing it off the fact that he wanted a girlfriend who would be a ghost for most of their relationship and they would get together eventually when it was convenient. You know what thats called? A fuckbuddy. You came on a reality show to find a fuckbuddy. May I suggest Tinder next time?

Hunter is next, and Ryan is like, do you all have a strategy? And hes like clearly fate isnt on our side, so we decided to do a coin flip. So, fates not on your side, and you decided to rely on it again? Seems legit.

Ryan is like, And Connor and Chelsey are like

Hunter picks Hannah, which is a weird match but whatever I dont care anymore. Im gonna be honest, this whole season I thought Hunter was secretly gay.

Devin is up next and he picks Rashida. Rashida, girl, I have been praying for you. Clearly I am a sinner because my prayers have not been well received. My b.

Tyler is up next and were all on edge. Hes like I think Melanie is my match truly and this is the biggest plotline he has had all season, so hes rollin with it. Tyler ends up picking Cheyenne, and everyone breathes a sigh of relief.

Alec picks Amanda, and Kiki is like WTF (again). What is she gonna do with her bracelet?!!!!

Nelson picks Stacey and RyDev is like, And shes like, Okay, thatll work. Cant wait for an invite to the wedding.

Chuck is up next and gives an inspiring speech. Well, it would be inspiring if he wasnt talking to a band of idiots who put their fate in a coin toss and if he didnt look like a homeless folk singer.

Chuck picks Melanie. Shes like, well this sucks because well never date because hes still fucking Brittni. Maybe you can get that threesome you wanted, skank.

Kiki is last, and ends up alone, well, because her match is Mike. #tbt to Mike. LOL. She shows those bracelets to Ryan and Ryan tries so hard not to fucking vomit on her. Kiki is like I am not confident at all Mike is my match and honestly, ditto.

The beams and RyDevs dramatic hand motions begin. They get 4 beams, which they have never gotten before, so #progress..They get a 5th, then a 6th, then a 7th. Everyone is on edge as fuck, and I am stunned into complete silence at home. Even my boyfriend, who has migrated out of the room is whispering no fucking way to himself. Idk if he is saying that because hes surprised Im silent for once, or surprised that they just might actually win.

They get 8 OMG, They literally need one more to win the fucking game. Im shaking.

THEY GOT TEN BEAMS! THEY WIN THE FUCKING GAME.

MIRACLES HAPPEN (queue song from The Princess Diaries)

MTV IS THE LAND OF DREAMS

IM CRYING

IM SCREAMING, I FEEL THINGS

Okay, Im back. Wow Im hammered. So its made clear- either MTV is a magical place where miracles prevail, or this shit is staged AF. I mean, we all saw The Hills.

Wow, thats it for this season and this truly unique group of escaped mental patents. Thanks for reading, even though, lets be honest- I made your shitty Thursdays infinitely better. And to the cast who read and tweeted me, thanks for having a thick skin. Low key surprised I havent received a death threat from Britni by now. Good luck existing in the real world, you all are sure gonna need it. And if youre ever in California, come buy me a beer, because god knows I deserve one for putting up with your shit.

div.body_middle_part_right .bodypart:nth-child(n+2), a.prevBody{display: none;}

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/are-you-the-one-season-finale-recap-just-put-me-out-of-my-goddamn-misery-part-two/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/178560286887

[samiam03x]

What a Home Shopping Network Can Teach You About Conversions

Uber might be King of Growth Hacking.

The one everyone fawns over. The media adores. Growth Hackers join.

But these kinds of companies are the exceptions.

Their ascent so quick and scale so massive that the vast majority of us can’t play by the same rules.

Instead, we need to look around. At the regular companies. One’s who’re grinding out, day-to-day, trying to get as many paying customers as possible.

Unbelievably, one perfect example emerges. From the least likely of places.

The grandma-catering QVC serves as an exemplary model for increasing site conversions. No matter what industry you’re in.

Here’s why and what they’re doing so well.

How QVC is a Conversion Juggernaut

One day I was researching the top converting websites online.

The usual suspects were there.

You expect Amazon.

Walmart or Expedia.

But not this. Not them.

A home shopping network. The same tired, old format you see on late night infomercials.

Not the QVC, whose primary audience demographic consists of your grandparents and… well, that’s gotta be pretty much it.

Curious, I had to check them out.

And sure enough, what I saw blew me away.

What makes QVC a conversion master? The blueprint you should follow with underlying sales principles that should be adapted for your own site immediately?

Let’s start with the homepage.

#1. QVC Homepage

First things first. Checkout the QVC homepage and you’re met with their latest daily deal.

There are a few things happening here.

Right at the top, “New to QVC?” helps segment and orient first-time visitors. They also throw in a discount code to sweeten the deal right off the bat.

Next, those high-quality images that show the product in-use. Underneath, is a simple line of benefit-laden copy with a price anchor (“Under $90”) and free shipping incentive (which almost all consumers – 82% – want).

To the right, is a bright-red CTA that uses the next value-building step (“Choose Your Color”) instead of some vague, generic one you might see on other sites (like “Get Started” or “Buy Now”).

And last but not least, that giant daily deal “Today’s Special Value” with countdown timer.

So far so good. They’ve set the stage. Met first impressions successfully, which only take 50 milliseconds to form based on site design (94% of the time).

But that’s nothing. We’re barely scratching the surface.

There’s a concept called “conversion scent” in advertising and conversion optimization. It’s similar to ‘message match’. Basically, you want to make sure any copy, design, or page elements (like that big, bold countdown timer) follow someone to the ‘next step’ so there’s one seamless experience (and not a jarring, disrupted one that distracts people from converting).

For example, click on the featured homepage product (noting the countdown timer) and watch what happens next…

You’re brought to the individual product page that continues the timer where you left off, while also auto-starting a realistic, authentic video demonstration.

That’s heavy. Let’s save it for the next section below to unpack everything that’s happening (and why). We still gotta finish the homepage.

When you scroll down a little on the homepage, one of the next sections is their “Lunchtime Specials” one that has daily deals that run for only a few hours each day.

Selling online is tough. Average conversions are an abysmal ~2%. Partly because there’s no ‘human element’ (phone sales get an average of 30-50% conversion for comparison). And partly because there’s no urgency.

In most cases, people don’t need what you have. It’s a luxury. A take-it-or-leave-it kinda thing.

You manufacture urgency with scarcity; Cialdini’s bedrock principle. If something is limited (by either price or quantity), it’s more desirable. I dunno why. Evolution is weird.

Below the scarcity-induced Lunchtime Specials section, you get “On QVC Now”.

Two macro-things happening with this section.

First, the fact that they’re being presented on television automatically enhances their value and credibility. There’s prestige. It implies these are the ‘chosen few’ being ‘featured’. It’s no different (well, it’s better) than startups putting media logos on their site.

Second, are power words like “Now” and “New” (with extra credit for “On Air”). Power words speak to our ‘old brain’ ultimately controls what we do, decide (or buy).

“New”, in particular, is one of the most persuasive words you can use to grab attention. Power words leap off the page, tickle your primal instincts, and force you to find out more.

Now… (see that?!)

Let’s head back into the individual product page to do a deep-drive on the eleven different elements they use (all above the fold!) to sell the S– out of their products.

#2. Individual Product Page

You might want to grab a cup of coffee before starting this next section. It’s gonna be awhile.

Because here’s where the QVC really outdo themselves.

Let me count the ways.

No seriously. Let’s count them. (And keep in mind that these are almost entirely above the fold.)

Deep breath. And:

Autoplay Video: Immediately starts upon page load. Continues that product ‘scent’ discussed earlier, while showing the product in context so 4 out of 5 shoppers can get a feel of what it is, how it works, and what if will feel like to own one.

Countdown Timer: Already discussed. The ultimate in scarcity-boosting, slightly ‘spammy’ website techniques to manufacture customer urgency. But just below that, a beautiful example of price anchoring, making the ‘real��� price now seem cheap and affordable.

Payment Installments: Friction typically reduces conversions. A large, one-time fee is a big friction point, forcing the customer to assume all risk. But with installment payments, you’re able to make that lump sum more palatable and digestible for those on a budget. We’ll come back to this topic in the next section below.

Color Options: Even something as basic as multiple color options can introduce the feeling of personalization on a website. 75% of people like personalization, which means it should be unsurprising that almost the same amount (74%) dislike when a website doesn’t match up or cater to their interests.

MOAR VIDEOS: Honestly, we shouldn’t even have to touch on the importance of including more videos, seeing as they boost landing page conversions by 80%. Even executives – theoretically the most cold-hearted of consumers – get all warm and fuzzy when they can watch a product video.

QCard: No money? No problem! QVC has their own financing department, and they’ll happily underwrite your purchase. Once again, less friction = more conversions.

New Customer Incentive: New shoppers get a little added bonus (on top of all the other discounts and price slashing going on) to go ahead and take the leap.

Community Q&A: The importance of social commerce deserves an entire post of its own. Suffice to say, peer-to-peer recommendations are what drive product purchases today. You can use all the hyperbole you want on a page, but customers will look for reviews. Plain and simple. Here, this QVC product has 411 answers!

Speed Buy: Sure, the Add to Cart and Wishlist buttons are standard. But the Speed Buy is where it’s at. This is the QVC’s version of Amazon’s One Click to Buy. Why’s that important? Because that little damn button is patented and worth billions (with a “B”). That’s why.

Upsells: No easier way to drive up the average cost of each order than with a simple upsell offer to insure your brand new purchase. Best of all, it’s not like the QVC has to do anything extra if you choose this upsell. A partner takes care of the dirty work. They just get to collect some extra revenue on each little purchase that passes through their kingdom. Upselling a current product can be 20 times more effective than cross-selling (a similar but different product).

Delivery Date Estimate: The best saved for last. You punch in your zip code and they’ll give you an idea of how shipping will work, and how fast you’ll get it. Here’s why that’s important…

We’ve seen multiple times how the QVC is attempting to reduce friction to increase your impulse to purchase (and we’ll continue to beat that horse dead in the section below).

But that’s only half the battle.

At the end of the day, the big hurdle to an online purchase is instant gratification. Or lack thereof. There’s gonna be a delay of when that thing they just spent good money on lands in their hands (or on their doorstep).

So reducing friction is good. But it’s not enough. Andre Morys says we need to raise motivation, too.

Image Source

That’s what this Delivery Date Estimate does. It helps us see a real, live date for when we’ll get access to the new product.

#3. Risk Reversing Payment Options

Number seven in the last section previewed the QCard, QVC’s financing arm to extend credit for their purchases.

Here are the full details:

Select products enjoy little-to-no interest payments, which lowers the bar (or barrier) to purchase).

Then that bar is lowered even with further with installment payments on the QCard (which you typically wouldn’t with other credit cards).

Why is this noteworthy?

Because one of the rising trends in eCommerce right now is “buy-now, pay-later solutions”

New upstarts like Affirm are essentially extending credit for eCommerce companies for big-ticket items that they may not be able to already afford.

Image Source

We can sit here and poke fun at QVC’s customer segment all we want. But the fact is that they expertly recognize their customer’s problems and pain points, along with what hold them back from purchasing (like low fixed incomes).

And they’re doing things to bypass or lessen that burden.

On top of the infomercial-like installment payment options, they also provide a few different ways to return products.

They’re trying to make the process insanely easy. So they employ as many risk-reversing techniques imaginable. Customers can schedule a pickup so that they don’t have to leave their house! Even if the QVC loses a few purchases or returns in the process.

Conclusion

A few months ago I was at a dinner with several other marketers. Some of them worked with tech companies on subscription based products.

A conversation started about tips for reducing churn, and a few examples were given about how you can easily reduce churn by essentially making it a pain in the ass to cancel. Like a huge headache. Forcing customers to literally jump through hoops, taking several different steps, having to talk to people on the phone, even mail-in stuff.

And this out of body experience hit me:

“WTF are we doing?”

Purposefully making people’s lives harder? Just to shave a half-percent off your churn rate?

Topics like this are tough because it opens up a can of worms. So many unintended consequences.

QVC ain’t perfect. But they’ve been around for 30+ years. They’re a household name.

They use all of the classic hard-sell website techniques imaginable. But then they’ll give customers multiple different ways to easily return products (which costs them millions I bet).

Keep sight of what we’re doing and why. The end goal is a multi-million dollar brand that people love. Not a half percent higher conversion rate or half percent lower churn rate.

About the Author: Brad Smith is a marketing writer, agency partner, and creator of Copy Weekly, a free weekly copywriting newsletter for marketers & founders.

http://ift.tt/2nzbnmf from MarketingRSS http://ift.tt/2nat3ne via Youtube

[marie85marketing]

What a Home Shopping Network Can Teach You About Conversions

Uber might be King of Growth Hacking.

The one everyone fawns over. The media adores. Growth Hackers join.

But these kinds of companies are the exceptions.

Their ascent so quick and scale so massive that the vast majority of us can’t play by the same rules.

Instead, we need to look around. At the regular companies. One’s who’re grinding out, day-to-day, trying to get as many paying customers as possible.

Unbelievably, one perfect example emerges. From the least likely of places.

The grandma-catering QVC serves as an exemplary model for increasing site conversions. No matter what industry you’re in.

Here’s why and what they’re doing so well.

How QVC is a Conversion Juggernaut

One day I was researching the top converting websites online.

The usual suspects were there.

You expect Amazon.

Walmart or Expedia.

But not this. Not them.

A home shopping network. The same tired, old format you see on late night infomercials.

Not the QVC, whose primary audience demographic consists of your grandparents and… well, that’s gotta be pretty much it.

Curious, I had to check them out.

And sure enough, what I saw blew me away.

What makes QVC a conversion master? The blueprint you should follow with underlying sales principles that should be adapted for your own site immediately?

Let’s start with the homepage.

#1. QVC Homepage

First things first. Checkout the QVC homepage and you’re met with their latest daily deal.

There are a few things happening here.

Right at the top, “New to QVC?” helps segment and orient first-time visitors. They also throw in a discount code to sweeten the deal right off the bat.

Next, those high-quality images that show the product in-use. Underneath, is a simple line of benefit-laden copy with a price anchor (“Under $90”) and free shipping incentive (which almost all consumers – 82% – want).

To the right, is a bright-red CTA that uses the next value-building step (“Choose Your Color”) instead of some vague, generic one you might see on other sites (like “Get Started” or “Buy Now”).

And last but not least, that giant daily deal “Today’s Special Value” with countdown timer.

So far so good. They’ve set the stage. Met first impressions successfully, which only take 50 milliseconds to form based on site design (94% of the time).

But that’s nothing. We’re barely scratching the surface.

There’s a concept called “conversion scent” in advertising and conversion optimization. It’s similar to ‘message match’. Basically, you want to make sure any copy, design, or page elements (like that big, bold countdown timer) follow someone to the ‘next step’ so there’s one seamless experience (and not a jarring, disrupted one that distracts people from converting).

For example, click on the featured homepage product (noting the countdown timer) and watch what happens next…

You’re brought to the individual product page that continues the timer where you left off, while also auto-starting a realistic, authentic video demonstration.

That’s heavy. Let’s save it for the next section below to unpack everything that’s happening (and why). We still gotta finish the homepage.

When you scroll down a little on the homepage, one of the next sections is their “Lunchtime Specials” one that has daily deals that run for only a few hours each day.

Selling online is tough. Average conversions are an abysmal ~2%. Partly because there’s no ‘human element’ (phone sales get an average of 30-50% conversion for comparison). And partly because there’s no urgency.

In most cases, people don’t need what you have. It’s a luxury. A take-it-or-leave-it kinda thing.

You manufacture urgency with scarcity; Cialdini’s bedrock principle. If something is limited (by either price or quantity), it’s more desirable. I dunno why. Evolution is weird.

Below the scarcity-induced Lunchtime Specials section, you get “On QVC Now”.

Two macro-things happening with this section.

First, the fact that they’re being presented on television automatically enhances their value and credibility. There’s prestige. It implies these are the ‘chosen few’ being ‘featured’. It’s no different (well, it’s better) than startups putting media logos on their site.

Second, are power words like “Now” and “New” (with extra credit for “On Air”). Power words speak to our ‘old brain’ ultimately controls what we do, decide (or buy).

“New”, in particular, is one of the most persuasive words you can use to grab attention. Power words leap off the page, tickle your primal instincts, and force you to find out more.

Now… (see that?!)

Let’s head back into the individual product page to do a deep-drive on the eleven different elements they use (all above the fold!) to sell the S– out of their products.

#2. Individual Product Page

You might want to grab a cup of coffee before starting this next section. It’s gonna be awhile.

Because here’s where the QVC really outdo themselves.

Let me count the ways.

No seriously. Let’s count them. (And keep in mind that these are almost entirely above the fold.)

Deep breath. And:

Autoplay Video: Immediately starts upon page load. Continues that product ‘scent’ discussed earlier, while showing the product in context so 4 out of 5 shoppers can get a feel of what it is, how it works, and what if will feel like to own one.

Countdown Timer: Already discussed. The ultimate in scarcity-boosting, slightly ‘spammy’ website techniques to manufacture customer urgency. But just below that, a beautiful example of price anchoring, making the ‘real’ price now seem cheap and affordable.

Payment Installments: Friction typically reduces conversions. A large, one-time fee is a big friction point, forcing the customer to assume all risk. But with installment payments, you’re able to make that lump sum more palatable and digestible for those on a budget. We’ll come back to this topic in the next section below.

Color Options: Even something as basic as multiple color options can introduce the feeling of personalization on a website. 75% of people like personalization, which means it should be unsurprising that almost the same amount (74%) dislike when a website doesn’t match up or cater to their interests.

MOAR VIDEOS: Honestly, we shouldn’t even have to touch on the importance of including more videos, seeing as they boost landing page conversions by 80%. Even executives – theoretically the most cold-hearted of consumers – get all warm and fuzzy when they can watch a product video.

QCard: No money? No problem! QVC has their own financing department, and they’ll happily underwrite your purchase. Once again, less friction = more conversions.

New Customer Incentive: New shoppers get a little added bonus (on top of all the other discounts and price slashing going on) to go ahead and take the leap.

Community Q&A: The importance of social commerce deserves an entire post of its own. Suffice to say, peer-to-peer recommendations are what drive product purchases today. You can use all the hyperbole you want on a page, but customers will look for reviews. Plain and simple. Here, this QVC product has 411 answers!

Speed Buy: Sure, the Add to Cart and Wishlist buttons are standard. But the Speed Buy is where it’s at. This is the QVC’s version of Amazon’s One Click to Buy. Why’s that important? Because that little damn button is patented and worth billions (with a “B”). That’s why.

Upsells: No easier way to drive up the average cost of each order than with a simple upsell offer to insure your brand new purchase. Best of all, it’s not like the QVC has to do anything extra if you choose this upsell. A partner takes care of the dirty work. They just get to collect some extra revenue on each little purchase that passes through their kingdom. Upselling a current product can be 20 times more effective than cross-selling (a similar but different product).

Delivery Date Estimate: The best saved for last. You punch in your zip code and they’ll give you an idea of how shipping will work, and how fast you’ll get it. Here’s why that’s important…

We’ve seen multiple times how the QVC is attempting to reduce friction to increase your impulse to purchase (and we’ll continue to beat that horse dead in the section below).

But that’s only half the battle.

At the end of the day, the big hurdle to an online purchase is instant gratification. Or lack thereof. There’s gonna be a delay of when that thing they just spent good money on lands in their hands (or on their doorstep).

So reducing friction is good. But it’s not enough. Andre Morys says we need to raise motivation, too.

Image Source

That’s what this Delivery Date Estimate does. It helps us see a real, live date for when we’ll get access to the new product.

#3. Risk Reversing Payment Options

Number seven in the last section previewed the QCard, QVC’s financing arm to extend credit for their purchases.

Here are the full details:

Select products enjoy little-to-no interest payments, which lowers the bar (or barrier) to purchase).

Then that bar is lowered even with further with installment payments on the QCard (which you typically wouldn’t with other credit cards).

Why is this noteworthy?

Because one of the rising trends in eCommerce right now is “buy-now, pay-later solutions”

New upstarts like Affirm are essentially extending credit for eCommerce companies for big-ticket items that they may not be able to already afford.

Image Source

We can sit here and poke fun at QVC’s customer segment all we want. But the fact is that they expertly recognize their customer’s problems and pain points, along with what hold them back from purchasing (like low fixed incomes).

And they’re doing things to bypass or lessen that burden.

On top of the infomercial-like installment payment options, they also provide a few different ways to return products.

They’re trying to make the process insanely easy. So they employ as many risk-reversing techniques imaginable. Customers can schedule a pickup so that they don’t have to leave their house! Even if the QVC loses a few purchases or returns in the process.

Conclusion

A few months ago I was at a dinner with several other marketers. Some of them worked with tech companies on subscription based products.

A conversation started about tips for reducing churn, and a few examples were given about how you can easily reduce churn by essentially making it a pain in the ass to cancel. Like a huge headache. Forcing customers to literally jump through hoops, taking several different steps, having to talk to people on the phone, even mail-in stuff.

And this out of body experience hit me:

“WTF are we doing?”

Purposefully making people’s lives harder? Just to shave a half-percent off your churn rate?

Topics like this are tough because it opens up a can of worms. So many unintended consequences.

QVC ain’t perfect. But they’ve been around for 30+ years. They’re a household name.

They use all of the classic hard-sell website techniques imaginable. But then they’ll give customers multiple different ways to easily return products (which costs them millions I bet).

Keep sight of what we’re doing and why. The end goal is a multi-million dollar brand that people love. Not a half percent higher conversion rate or half percent lower churn rate.

About the Author: Brad Smith is a marketing writer, agency partner, and creator of Copy Weekly, a free weekly copywriting newsletter for marketers & founders.

[ericsburden-blog]

What a Home Shopping Network Can Teach You About Conversions

Uber might be King of Growth Hacking.

The one everyone fawns over. The media adores. Growth Hackers join.

But these kind of companies are the exceptions.

Their ascent so quick and scale so massive that the vast majority of us can’t play by the same rules.

Instead, we need to look around. At the regular companies. One’s who’re grinding out, day-to-day, trying to get as many paying customers as possible.

Unbelievably, one perfect example emerges. From the least likely of places.

The grandma-catering QVC serves as an exemplary model for increasing site conversions. No matter what industry you’re in.

Here’s why and what they’re doing so well.

How QVC is a Conversion Juggernaut

One day I was researching the top converting websites online.

The usual suspects were there.

You expect Amazon.

Walmart or Expedia.

But not this. Not them.

A home shopping network. The same tired, old format you see on late night infomercials.

Not the QVC, whose primary audience demographic consists of your grandparents and… well, that’s gotta be pretty much it.

Curious, I had to check them out.

And sure enough, what I saw blew me away.

What makes QVC a conversion master? The blueprint you should follow with underlying sales principles that should be adapted for your own site immediately?

Let’s start with the homepage.

#1. QVC Homepage

First things first. Checkout the QVC homepage and you’re met with their latest daily deal.

There’s a few things happening here.

Right at the top, “New to QVC?” helps segment and orient first-time visitors. They also throw in a discount code to sweeten the deal right off the bat.

Next, those high-quality images that show the product in-use. Underneath, is a simple line of benefit-laden copy with a price anchor (“Under $90”) and free shipping incentive (which almost all consumers – 82% – want).

To the right, is a bright-red CTA that uses the next value-building step (“Choose Your Color”) instead of some vague, generic one you might see on other sites (like “Get Started” or “Buy Now”).

And last but not least, that giant daily deal “Today’s Special Value” with countdown timer.

So far so good. They’ve set the stage. Met first impressions successfully, which only take 50 milliseconds to form based on site design (94% of the time).

But that’s nothing. We’re barely scratching the surface.

There’s a concept called “conversion scent” in advertising and conversion optimization. It’s similar to ‘message match’. Basically, you want to make sure any copy, design, or page elements (like that big, bold countdown timer) follow someone to the ‘next step’ so there’s one seamless experience (and not a jarring, disrupted one that distracts people from converting).

For example, click on the featured homepage product (noting the countdown timer) and watch what happens next…

You’re brought to the individual product page that continues the timer where you left off, while also auto-starting a realistic, authentic video demonstration.

That’s heavy. Let’s save it for the next section below to unpack everything that’s happening (and why). We still gotta finish the homepage.

When you scroll down a little on the homepage, one of the next sections is their “Lunchtime Specials” one that has daily deals that run for only a few hours each day.

Selling online is tough. Average conversions are an abysmal ~2%. Partly because there’s no ‘human element’ (phone sales get an average of 30-50% conversion for comparison). And partly because there’s no urgency.

In most cases, people don’t need what you have. It’s a luxury. A take-it-or-leave-it kinda thing.

You manufacture urgency with scarcity; Cialdini’s bedrock principle. If something is limited (by either price or quantity), it’s more desirable. I dunno why. Evolution is weird.

Below the scarcity-induced Lunchtime Specials section, you get “On QVC Now”.

Two macro-things happening with this section.

First, the fact that they’re being presented on television automatically enhances their value and credibility. There’s prestige. It implies these are the ‘chosen few’ being ‘featured’. It’s no different (well, it’s better) than startups putting media logos on their site.

Second, are power words like “Now” and “New” (with extra credit for “On Air”). Power words speak to our ‘old brain’ ultimately controls what we do, decide (or buy).

“New”, in particular, is one of the most persuasive words you can use to grab attention. Power words leap off the page, tickle your primal instincts, and force you to find out more.

Now… (see that?!)

Let’s head back into the individual product page to do a deep-drive on the eleven different elements they use (all above the fold!) to sell the S– out of their products.

#2. Individual Product Page

You might want to grab a cup of coffee before starting this next section. It’s gonna be awhile.

Because here’s where the QVC really outdo themselves.

Let me count the ways.

No seriously. Let’s count them. (And keep in mind that these are almost entirely above the fold.)

Deep breath. And:

Autoplay Video: Immediately starts upon page load. Continues that product ‘scent’ discussed earlier, while showing the product in context so 4 out of 5 shoppers can get a feel of what it is, how it works, and what if will feel like to own one.

Countdown Timer: Already discussed. The ultimate in scarcity-boosting, slightly ‘spammy’ website techniques to manufacture customer urgency. But just below that, a beautiful example of price anchoring, making the ‘real’ price now seem cheap and affordable.

Payment Installments: Friction typically reduces conversions. A large, one-time fee is a big friction point, forcing the customer to assume all risk. But with installment payments, you’re able to make that lump sum more palatable and digestible for those on a budget. We’ll come back to this topic in the next section below.

Color Options: Even something as basic as multiple color options can introduce the feeling of personalization on a website. 75% of people like personalization, which means it should be unsurprising that almost the same amount (74%) dislike when a website doesn’t match up or cater to their interests.

MOAR VIDEOS: Honestly, we shouldn’t even have to touch on the importance of including more videos, seeing as they boost landing page conversions by 80%. Even executives – theoretically the most cold-hearted of consumers – get all warm and fuzzy when they can watch a product video.

QCard: No money? No problem! QVC has their own financing department, and they’ll happily underwrite your purchase. Once again, less friction = more conversions.

New Customer Incentive: New shoppers get a little added bonus (on top of all the other discounts and price slashing going on) to go ahead and take the leap.

Community Q&A: The importance of social commerce deserves an entire post of its own. Suffice to say, peer-to-peer recommendations are what drive product purchases today. You can use all the hyperbole you want on a page, but customers will look for reviews. Plain and simple. Here, this QVC product has 411 answers!

Speed Buy: Sure, the Add to Cart and Wishlist buttons are standard. But the Speed Buy is where it’s at. This is the QVC’s version of Amazon’s One Click to Buy. Why’s that important? Because that little damn button is patented and worth billions (with a “B”). That’s why.

Upsells: No easier way to drive up the average cost of each order than with a simple upsell offer to insure your brand new purchase. Best of all, it’s not like the QVC has to do anything extra if you choose this upsell. A partner takes care of the dirty work. They just get to collect some extra revenue on each little purchase that passes through their kingdom. Upselling a current product can be 20 times more effective than cross-selling (a similar but different product).

Delivery Date Estimate: The best saved for last. You punch in your zip code and they’ll give you an idea of how shipping will work, and how fast you’ll get it. Here’s why that’s important…

We’ve seen multiple times how the QVC is attempting to reduce friction to increase your impulse to purchase (and we’ll continue to beat that horse dead in the section below).

But that’s only half the battle.

At the end of the day, the big hurdle to an online purchase is instant gratification. Or lack thereof. There’s gonna be a delay of when that thing they just spent good money on lands in their hands (or on their doorstep).

So reducing friction is good. But it’s not enough. Andre Morys says we need to raise motivation, too.

Image Source

That’s what this Delivery Date Estimate does. It helps us see a real, live date for when we’ll get access to the new product.

#3. Risk Reversing Payment Options

Number seven in the last section previewed the QCard, QVC’s financing arm to extend credit for their purchases.

Here’s the full details:

Select products enjoy little-to-no interest payments, which lowers the bar (or barrier) to purchase).

Then that bar is lowered even with further with installment payments on the QCard (which you typically wouldn’t with other credit cards).

Why is this noteworthy?

Because one of the rising trends in eCommerce right now is “buy-now, pay-later solutions”

New upstarts like Affirm are essentially extending credit for eCommerce companies for big-ticket items which they may not be able to already afford.

Image Source

We can sit here and poke fun at QVC’s customer segment all we want. But the fact is that they expertly recognize their customer’s problems and pain points, along with what hold them back from purchasing (like low fixed incomes).

And they’re doing things to bypass or lessen that burden.

On top of the infomercial-like installment payment options, they also provide a few different ways to return products.

They’re trying to make the process insanely easy. So they employ as many risk-reversing techniques imaginable. Customers can schedule a pickup so that they don’t have to leave their house! Even if the QVC loses a few purchases or returns in the process.

Conclusion

A few months ago I was at a dinner with several other marketers. Some of them worked with tech companies on subscription based products.

A conversation started about tips for reducing churn, and a few examples were given about how you can easily reduce churn by essentially making it a pain in the ass to cancel. Like a huge headache. Forcing customers to literally jump through hoops, taking several different steps, having to talk to people on the phone, even mail-in stuff.

And this out of body experience hit me:

“WTF are we doing?”

Purposefully making people’s lives harder? Just to shave a half-percent off your churn rate?

Topics like this are tough because it opens up a can of worms. So many unintended consequences.

QVC ain’t perfect. But they’ve been around for 30+ years. They’re a household name.

They use all of the classic hard-sell website techniques imaginable. But then they’ll give customers multiple different ways to easily return products (which costs them millions I bet).

Keep sight of what we’re doing and why. The end goal is a multi-million dollar brand that people love. Not a half percent higher conversion rate or half percent lower churn rate.

About the Author: Brad Smith is a marketing writer, agency partner, and creator of Copy Weekly, a free weekly copywriting newsletter for marketers & founders.

What a Home Shopping Network Can Teach You About Conversions