#separate yourself. your community. versus our shitty fucking government

[kasarian]

thing thats really tiring about seeing ur culture on the internet is like. filipinos will hate themselves over it. filipinos will hate seeing their own culture being mixed into a media an artist likes and try to be ironic and shit about it. di pa ba napagod? di na natigil katangahan niyo, nagmumukha nang kakaibang lebel ng papansin. kinnayo. leave artists who have fun with the media they like alone. they didnt comment on their art about pee noise moments or what the fuck ever. god.

[gigil-bot]

11.15.18 I finally have some time to jot my thoughts down.. I finally have a breather now that the election is over. And what an election this was.

But before I begin, I want to give a shoutout to xxx.You inspire me. I might not speak to you, and I might not like you. But I am inspired by you. By your passion, by your resilience, by your ability to make others feel special, by your ability to build community. By your ability to give yourself to your work and your art.

But what you also remind me is that there are shitty people out there.. who work really hard.. people who will use and walk over others.. manipulate them without empathy or remorse.. people who will make another's life a living hell and justify it.. people who can bring others behind their evil ideologies for one reason or another... and knowing these people exist gives me reason to not delay. To work harder. To push myself to my limits because that's where growth occurs, and not only that, it's because I know that if I am not working as hard as the opposition, my team will lose and many people will continue to suffer..

Now I know this is not a matter of us versus them because in the grand scheme of things, we are all one, we are all connected. But at the individual and community levels, people are affected. And in the grand scheme of things all of us are impacted by actions and inactions. Each of us is a node in a larger network. Each of us matters. And every decision one node makes affects the rest of us. I want to create a net positive with the life of my node to uplift all the nodes around me.. and evetually in the entire network.. I want to create a net positive outcome in the lives of whoever my actions can affect.. in whatever way I can as long as I remain ethical and values-driven.

Fidelity, justice, autonomy, beneficence, nonmaleficence, integrity -- this is my creed, the creed of all helping professionals.

For the past couple of months, I have been growing.. sometimes in the hot scorching sun, but growing nonetheless. And now, more than ever, do I feel prepared to make a difference. To apply my knowledge and values and put it into practice.. compassion, empathy and a willingness to do good. I have done so much and have learned so much in the past couple of months, I feel like a different person. I feel equipped with the tools, experience, and knowledge to do more and to be more..

And we've are seeing the results of my and others' collective action. We are growing in numbers- the people called to mobilize and improve the lives of the members of their communities and bring hope for the future..

We took back the house... and more and more, women are rising up and empowering one another to do the same. I am grateful to be a part of this movement, this culture shift, where women are no longer victims, no longer survivors, but fucking badass warriors who have seen shit and have been through some shit but still show up every single day to battle their demons and take care of business.

I love where I am. Now don't get me wrong, like I said, growth is not always easy.. I didn't want to wake up today. There was a period of time where I didn't want to continue because I had been through the fire.. been chewed out, so stressed out I felt my body on fire and electricity surged through my veins.. but we breathe and push through.. when everyone was telling me it's not worth it, I should quit, I should give up, I kept going, and I will keep going.. because I believe in what I am doing. I believe that what I am doing is making a difference. It already has.. In have gotten to see.. first-hand the spark, and now it's a slow burn until we see the culmination of our work come to life, but as we grow and empower more women, things can only get better. Gender parity 2020!

And finally, I have to end with my gratitude.. I know I am exactly where I was meant to be. I have so much to be grateful for. 3 years ago, 5 years ago, I was wishing for something like this and through a series of events, here I am. I am so supported and so loved by God, The Universe, Source, and I know NOTHING can take that away from me.

I wanted to make a difference.. in my journal about 2 or 3 years ago, I wrote, "I want to gain the knowledge, skills, and experience necessary to become an effective community leader, a positive role model, and to make a positive impact on my community and the world through my work in government, social services, an agency, etc. I want to enact positive, sustainable change for future gens."

And this was before my internship experience with an agency that serves children of abuse, this was before my work with the women's center, before my experiences with my women's leadership network, and before I even knew the org that I am working with now.. existed..

As Steve Jobs stated, "You can never connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking back." My dots weren't just dots. My dots were stars, and my life has been a constellation. My fate was written in the stars, and I am so grateful for my life.. and everything I had been through because I am here today. Doing the work that needs to be done to empower the people who are going to lead our future.

And finally finally, I could not been here without my fellowship funders and the people who believed in me and gave me a chance-- Rosalina, Millie, Sara, Dr. E, Dr. V, National-- Dr. Cuillado, Tsihai, Marta, Arianna, Dr. Stout and all the women and people who have been here for me since day 1: my grandma, Brandon, Nathan, my brother

And the people who supported me along the way: Auntie Helen and Uncle Bing, Heidi, my supervisor at ASI-- so many many people

Above all, is God, obv, but right below is my boyfriend who is unwavering in his loyalty, who shows me love and support through his actions, and inspires me to be myself and be okay with who I am.. he is slowly breaking me out of my shell.. the shell I created as an abused and neglected child. A child who went through the trauma of separation from their primary caregiver as a 1 year old.. and then again as a 3 year old.. S/O to my Child Abuse, Psych, and HUSR classes for teaching me about my traumas and helping me learn to heal from them. It was a huge light bulb moment to learn abiut why Inal the way Inam because of what happened to me in my formative years. I have attachment issues because baby me thought I was abandoned at 1.. and then baby me was taken away again at 3. The formative years create those templates for relationships.. then physically and emotionally abused and neglected.. Boy what a template. He's showing me that not everyone will scream or get angry at me at the drop of a hat.. that people can be kind and considerate of one another.. that collaboration happens everywhere and not just in a team or classroom setting.. it happens in a family.. in a household. I grew up in a completely different environment where I was in survival mode all the time.. every kid for themselves.. and I lived in so much fear and anxiety.. every. single. day. But I didn't know that's what I was experiencing.. living in this household with my boyfriend.. is a stark contrast to what I grew up in.. and I am learning what normal can be.. and it's nice. It's safe. And he feels like home.