#senior year was pretty bad in general but by spring semester i was so tired and stressed i was getting to a low place

[compulsiveobsessing]

one thing you should never doubt is the immense catharsis that listening to a comfort album from high school brings

[morkleemelon]

off the ice || chapter 2: heading in

previous || m.list || playlist || next

pairing:  college hockey player! mark x college figure skater! reader

genre: fluff, humor, sports au, college au

warnings: swearing

word count: 7k

copyright morkleemelon all rights reserved

"And we can see here in the figure that the data currently suggests-"

Your pen flies across the notebook page, desperately trying to capture everything your economics professor said in multicolor vigor. Jotting down the figure frantically, your eyes dart back and forth between the powerpoint screen and your paper, high ponytail bouncing up and down from the motion.

Being on scholarship means that you can never let your grades fall past a certain point or else they'd give the money to someone else. As harsh as it is, without the financial aid, you would not be able to continue to go to school. One of the only things that motivates you to work harder than your sleeping peers, sometimes, is the looming fear of becoming a jobless dropout, never able to achieve your dreams. 

In a lot of ways, not having money is already bad enough, but the thought of not even being able to earn it in the future is even worse.

"Does anyone know how this company should manage production costs?," your professor asks the crowd of tired students.

You immediately shoot your hand in the air. You know it. This answer was in the textbook reading last night it's-

"Yes" Your professor points behind you.

You slowly set your hand down, disappointed, turning around to see who could've raised their hand before you did.

"They should modernize their marketing efforts with more affordable tools and focus on reducing supply costs," the boy answers expertly.

That's exactly what I was going to say.

Examining his face a little more, something about him seems a little familiar, but you can't quite put your finger on it. Looking around at who he was sitting with, you begin to piece it together.

"He must be one of the Lee's if he's sitting between Ten and Jeno" you ponder to yourself, taking one final look at the boy, "is he... Haechan?". Thinking back to last spring, one of your teammates had a huge crush on the one called 'Haechan'. She always gushed about his fluffy brown hair, handsome face, and how he asked to borrow her biology notes once. You weren't exactly well versed with the university's popular people and honestly, the fact that this school has an 'F4' called "the Lees" is pretty funny to you.

This boy's hair is blonde, though, brushed down into a fringe and slightly messy from, you're assuming, taking off the hood of his sweatshirt before class. Glancing down, you take notice of the mess of white bandages wrapped around his knuckles.

Right, they just had a hockey game. He doesn't have brown hair so this must be-

"That's exactly right, Mark. Nicely done" the professor praises.

Mark. You note the name to yourself, turning back to the board as the professor continues with the lecture.

"Dude she's looking at you," Ten whisper-yells to his younger friend, nudging him sharply in the ribs.

Mark doesn't dare look down at you yet, already feeling his cheeks grow warmer with each passing second. He feels your gaze pull away from him and finally frees the breath he was previously holding captive. Shoving back at the senior boy, his gaze flutters back to you like it usually does during this class, however much to his strong denial. 

You always sit in the first row, colored pens and highlighters arranged neatly upon your favorite desk. 

Mark watches the way your hair bobs back and forth as you move your head with keen eyes. The delicate gold glint of a necklace clasp at the nape of your neck fascinates the junior boy's attention more than the mundane lecture ever could.

Spotting the slight smile on the older boy's face and the direction of his gaze, Jeno laughs quietly to himself, happy that something interesting is finally happening during the boring lesson. Leaning over behind Mark's back, he gives Ten a silent high five.

"You're a simp" Jeno whispers in Mark's ear, eager to provoke him. Mark slaps the blue-haired boy's face away.

"Fuck off," Mark whispers harshly back as Jeno and Ten laugh to themselves in the lecture hall. He habitually glances back to your focused form. And this is nothing short of how class usually goes for them: Mark fawns over you 'secretly' whilst you haven't the slightest clue. On either side, his friends tease him endlessly for it.

"Yuna and I are planning something for you guys," Ten persists.

Mark's eyebrows scrunch in confusion at the older's ominous words. The professor's voice drones on in the background as his attention shifts to Ten.

"What do you mean?"

"Don't worry about it, man". Ten smirks, smacking a firm hand on the confused boy's shoulder.

"Don't do anything weird," Mark warns, recalling the time when the senior had planned on starting a fist fight outside of your dorm building last semester in hopes to gain your attention and provide an excuse for Mark to talk to you. Although the thought was there, no it wasn't.

The hour ticks by and exhausted students groan in relief as the professor wraps up the stale lesson on fundamental economics. A mass shuffle of notebook pages flipping closed and backpacks zipping up fills the hall as students make their way out, eager to do anything but be there.

The Lee's always gather for lunch at this time at the basketball courts, attracting an impressive crowd of envious guys and adoring girls at the sidelines. Although the place is fairly beaten down and otherwise unimpressive, the Lee's choose to be there which consequently deems the courts the coolest lunch spot on campus.

Putting his things away into his trusty black Jansport bag, Mark gets ready to head down to the courts to meet up with Haechan like they always do until he feels a hand unexpectedly grip his left shoulder, stopping him in his tracks.

"Some people are gonna join us for lunch today," Ten discloses casually, keeping his gaze forward as the line of students in front of them slowly file their way out of the crowded room.

"Oh, who?" Mark questions. It's not like it's rare for other people come hang out with them, in fact, it's almost always the case. But the fact that Ten is specifically telling him beforehand feels suspicious. Another strong hand grips his other shoulder as Jeno's navy blue hair comes into view.

"Don't worry about it man. You got meal points left for this week? Lend me some," the younger boy expertly diverts.

"Yeah..."

"Let's hurry though, Haechan is probably there waiting already. I told the brat to get food for us early today". Ten ushers Mark forward and pushes his way through the herd of people.

"Aight," Mark sighs in confused defeat, picking up his pace to keep up with the senior. There's definitely something weird going on, but he doesn't have the energy to pry further. 

Then again, has he ever lived a day where his friends aren't doing some sort of weird shit?

"Thank you, professor," you smile and bow politely.

"Thank you, y/n, enjoy the rest of your day," the older man smiles back, waving you off as he packs up his lecture notes. It's small things like this that you always make sure to do to make others' lives a little better.

After all, the best thing to give-better than any monetary gift- is kindness. Right?

Your phone buzzes in the back pocket of your frayed denim shorts and you reach to check the notification.

Der sum hoez in this houz:

Yuna: guys!! Let's grab lunch somewhere new today! :DD

Hope: yassss ;););)

You: oh why? The caf has chicken nuggets today :(

This is definitely suspicious -you, Yuna, and your other friends, Lisa and Hope, always ate together at the round table in the university's better dining hall nicknamed "the caf". It's been your unbroken tradition since freshman year and the lunch lady at the caf even likes you enough to give you extra servings sometimes.

Yuna: we can still have the nuggets but Ten knows a cool place we can sit! He says he already got the food so we don't have to pay today ;)

Free food?

Your inner Mr.Krabs reveals himself as you perk immediately at the mention of her boyfriend paying for lunch. Neither guilt nor modesty had time to catch up as your thumbs rush to type a speedy reply.

You: I'm there. Where at?

Yuna: I'm coming to your classroom rn! We can walk together

Lisa: Hope and I are coming from bio :) excited

You: lol why does everyone know but me

You: is it gonna be weird with us third wheeling you yuna?

You: if y'all start kissy kissy touchy touchy I might puke just saying

Yuna: HAHAHA XD

Yuna: don't worry some of ten's friends might be there too

Oh. To be honest, you're caught off guard at your best friend's last message. Ten has been over to your shared dorm a few times and you've exchanged enough awkward greetings to call him an acquaintance at least. But generally, his friend group and yours stay separate.

Not that there is any actual beef there, but, no pun intended, nobody's tried to break the ice yet.

Closing the group chat as you reach the entrance of the economics building, you hold a hand up to block the glaring rays of summer sun from your eyes. The sudden brightness harshly contrasts the musty dark of the lecture hall, making you squint in discomfort.

"Y/n!" a familiar voice calls out. A flash of platinum blonde hair and Chanel perfume filled your senses as Yuna throws your smaller body into a crushing, sweaty hug.

"EWw!" you yelp, shoving the taller girl away from you half-playfully, catching the attention of a few concerned passer-bys.

You nod your head at them in a shy apology.

Yuna, seriously.

The guilty party laughs, the musical sound travelling through the humid air like a refreshing breeze. Your best friend sticks out her elbow for you to link your arm through.

Eyeing her with short-lived contempt, your lips break into a smile as you slip your forearm around hers, unable to be actually mad at your best friend.

"Where are we going?" you ask.

"You'll see. It's Ten's spot"

"Hi-his spot?!" You stop in your tracks, wondering why you were going to eat where Ten dealt weed.

Since when did he deal weed though?

"Not that kind of spot!," Yuna cries out, smacking a manicured hand over the top of her forehead as to not ruin her perfect foundation, "he's not like that!".

"Right good," you scoff.

The summer heat swelters as Yuna leads you down campus towards the sports center. It's early September and Seoul is notoriously hot.

Ice cream vendors with big, striped umbrellas litter the streets, calling out for business from sweaty pedestrians who crave a moment of sweet, cold relief. The sky tints a beautiful shade of blue with fluffy wisps of white clouds dotting its never-ending canvas. No matter how hot the weather is, the day is undeniably beautiful.

You don't ask Yuna more about where you're headed, accepting that your best friend likes to be spontaneous and that her boyfriend was paying for your food. This is more than enough for you to follow her down the sketchy alleyway shortcut to the basketball courts. Sometimes you wonder if you'd be really easy to kidnap...

The alley opens up to reveal a worn-out basketball court planted in the middle of a grassy area. Looking around, you noticed there are quite a few people there, most of them unfamiliar to you.

They scatter across the grass in groups, eating and chatting casually amongst their friends atop their patterned picnic blankets. You catch the gaze of a group of girls sitting at the edge of the court; they eye you up and down, taking you aback with their lack of subtlety.

Breaking the awkward eye-contact, you suddenly feel very out of place.

"Hey!" Yuna calls out, slipping her arm out of yours to wave at a group of people sitting at the other side of the court from the judgmental girls.

Her hand slips into yours, snapping you out of your uncomfortable dilemma, pulling you towards the group she waved to. A big willow tree stretches towards the sky and casts a precious spot of shade over the area. Immediately, you spot Hope and Lisa as they wave to you and you let out a breath of relief.

At least I'm not alone, maybe I won't be so awkward now.

You recognize Ten's face and you give him a smile and nod of acknowledgement. Scanning over the rest of the group carefully, you faintly recognize the other boys sitting under the tree.

The boy with the blue hair and the fitted white tee- that's Jeno.

Fluffy brown hair-definitely Haechan.

Your eyes flit to the next boy and you're taken aback when he's already staring at you. His ashy blonde fringe hair, almost grey, seems dearly familiar. His eyes widen before quickly looking away.

He's part of the Lee's... bandaged hands and that hair- that's Mark, the dude who stole your answer from earlier.

The little devil on your shoulder whispers to hold a small grudge. The little angel on the other argues that it was never your question and you shouldn't be so petty. Right, kindness is the best virtue. You will let it go.

You and Yuna reach the edge of their picnic blanket and your best friend immediately goes to sit by Ten who doesn't hesitate to pull her hips smoothly into his lap.

You look away in embarrassment. Good for her for finding love, but by golly are you painfully single.

Eyeing the space on the picnic blanket, Hope and Lisa are almost strategically sitting at the end chatting with Jeno so there is no reasonable way you could sit next to them. Setting down your bag awkwardly, you debate where you should sit, silently cursing at Hope and Lisa for not leaving a space for you. Maybe coming here was a mistake because you feel kind of left out-

"Oh, here," a small voice lets out. You look up to see Mark getting up and moving his stuff out of the way and clearing a space for you next to him.

"Ah, thank you!" You smile, kneeling down to sit in the empty space.

Thank God.

Glancing at his face, a blush even Maybelline would envy rests on his cheeks as his gaze remains glued to the food in his hands.

The first thing you notice is how handsome he is up close. You didn't get a good look at him in the lecture hall, but his face is a perfect mix of feminine and masculine beauty. His eyes are soft and round, but his jawline sharp and angled. The most chiseled cheekbones you've ever seen are handsomely defined under the mosaic of shadows and light created by the branches of the willow tree. A slight, shy smile graced his delicate, pink lips.

He's super cute. I take back everything I thought in lecture.

"Hey, welcome!," a sudden high-pitched voice rips your attention away from ogling the blonde boy. Turning your face, you see Haechan on your other side eagerly holding out a hand for you to shake. You take his hand and he shakes it vigorously, "I'm Haechan nice to meet you! What's your name?".

"I'm y/n," you reply with a smile. He's really outgoing, huh.

"Y/n what year are you?"

"Oh I'm a sophomore this year"

"Ayyy! Jeno and I are sophomores too," the friendly brunette slaps the other boy on the arm, "say hi, Jeno".

"Hey, I'm Jeno". He gives a heart-fluttering eye-smile and you could hear hushed gasps and coos ensue from the onlooking girls across the court.

"Hi, y/n," you respond shyly.

Dang, these guys are all so good-looking.

You always hear about the 'Lees' and their 'godly' visuals, but you never truly paid attention. Yet now that you're sitting with them at their cool-people-only hangout spot, you have no choice but to admit how exactly spot-on those descriptions were.

"Here, y/n" Haechan hands you a paper tray full of chicken nuggets.

"Nice! Thank you," you cheer, taking the food perhaps a little too excitedly. Working out and training nearly everyday means you're inevitably hungry most of the time. Not to mention, your stomach always rumbles at the sight of your all-time favorite food.

Digging into the free food reward, you turn back to Mark who hasn't said anything to you yet.

"What's your name?" you ask. Technically, you already know it, but you don't really know a better way to start a conversation.

Visibly surprised, Mark chokes on his chicken.

You let out a single note of laughter at his unexpected coughing before slapping a hand over your mouth to stop yourself.

"Are you okay?" you ask stupidly.

"Bruh," Haechan teases with a smirk, amused at his best friend's embarrassment.

Mark nods quickly with a hand covering his mouth as he continues coughing. Unsure of what to do, you reach over to pat him on the back firmly.

"Here, dude". Jeno tosses Mark a filled water bottle, the older boy accepting it gratefully, gulping down the water like his life depends on it (which it... actually does).

Gasping in relief as he sets the bottle down, Mark looks back at you with flushed cheeks and wet lips. You realize your hand is still on his back and you quickly snatch your hand away, suddenly flustered by the contact.

"I'm Mark," he finally answers, voice hoarse from the ordeal.

"Hi Mark, I'm y/n" you giggle.

He looks absolutely hilarious with water dribbling down his chin and cheeks as red as fire. There is something intensely endearing about him as he looks down, front teeth biting down on his bottom lip in embarrassment.

"What year are you?," you continue.

"Uh-I'm a Junior"

"Oh nice! What do you study?"

"Uh-business and sports management"

"Wow! Wait you're In Econ31 right?"

"Yeah I am," Mark smiles.

"I thought I recognized you! I'm in that class too," you exclaim. Usually, you aren't terribly sociable with people you just met, but there's something about the softness of his voice that makes him easy to talk to. That and the way he's just choked on a chicken nugget in front of you at your first meeting- you have little to nothing to lose.

"Oh yeah I-I've seen you around sometimes"

"Yeah we've seen you around sometimes," Ten calls out, a shit-eating grin plastered across his face. Yuna laughs and hits his chest in warning.

"Shut up!" Mark grabs a nugget from his tray and chucks it at the older boy. Like a slow-motion scene in a movie, Ten catches the piece of chicken between his teeth and flashes a wink back at the flustered junior.

You burst out in laughter at the interaction, slapping a hand onto your knee at the dumbfounded look on Mark's face.

Mark feels his heart clench at the sound of your bright laughter filling the air. You gasp with glee, one hand slapping your knee repeatedly and the other gripping your fork. Truth be told, he is freaking out inside. And this is not how he imagined you would meet. 

All thoughts about Ten abandoned, a wide smile spreads back onto his face as his eyes scan across your laughing form. You sport a casual outfit consisting of a grey t-shirt and denim shorts like you usually do. A simple gold chain hangs from your neck, tucked away under the collar of your shirt. Up close, Mark feels even more drawn to you than ever before.

Beautiful as ever.

"I-I can't breathe," you wheeze, "what just happened?"

"My talent," Ten states, moving his arms from around Yuna's waist to hold them up in a 'well duh' shrug.

"Nah bro, it was a good throw from me," Mark cuts in, holding up a hand to stop the gloating boy.

"Nah bro, it was a good catch from me," Ten sasses back, moving Yuna off his lap to kneel up. You meet Yuna's eyes and you both hold back laughter at the ridiculous argument.

"Nah bro" Mark moves onto his knees as well.

"Nah bro's," Haechan suddenly interjects, "It was me. I have telepathy and I moved the chicken". Haechan promptly stands up and does a body wave, posing with a finger gun pointed over the slope of his nose to his forehead.

You laugh silently between the three boys who are suddenly all standing as they argue over who was responsible for the nugget trick. You had just met these guys a few minutes ago, but you're more confused and intrigued at them than you've ever been with anyone.

Look at you go, making new friends and everything!

"Guys..." Jeno tries, but his low voice isn't nearly loud enough to be heard over the chaos.

The boys point accusing fingers at each other like in a Renaissance painting. You scooch your way over to the other girls to get out of their way, bringing your food with you.

"You're dating..." You gesture your fork at Ten who was is caught in a three-way head lock with Mark and Haechan.

"Yeah". Yuna's face remains expressionless as she nonchalantly pops another piece of chicken into her mouth. After dating Ten for almost five months now, she is well aware of what the expression 'boys will be boys' really means.

"Are they always like this?" Hope asks, bewildered. Lisa just laughs on the side, enjoying the spontaneous fight more than she should. Jeno gives up, laying down to stare at the sky and wonder why his friends are like this.

Click

Your ears perk at  strange noises coming from behind you. Turning around, you notice that several of the girls you saw earlier are now pulling large, fancy cameras out of their book bags. Baffled, you watch incredulously as they shamelessly snap photos of the tussling, oblivious boys.

"What the heck?," you gawk. You haven't been here but twenty minutes and it's already one surprise after the other.

"Tell me about it. Those weirdos are these guys' fans, the 'Lovelees' as they call themselves," Yuna explains, "You would not believe how crazy they can get. Remember when I had to put all my socials on private a few months ago? It's because they found out I was dating Ten".

"Right, I remember that" you nod your head sympathetically. Your eyes move between the unsuspecting boys and the audacious crowd of girls. Maybe you haven't known them for long, but the Lees seem like a regular group of guys. Admittedly, they are above average in the visual department (and in the strange department), but the existence of the Lovelees is really unnerving. Is it just you?

One particular girl at the forefront stares you down intently. Her hair is a mousy brown with two striking streaks of bright red down her bangs in a distasteful take on E-girl style hair. Too-light foundation is packed onto her skin and you winced internally at the severe creasing by her nose. Black eyebrows not matching her hair, her fake eyelashes bat at you threateningly.

"What's up with her?". You are genuinely confused. Why does she look like she wants to murder you?

"She's so scary," Hope's eyebrows knit in worry.

"Yeah, what's with her? She's staring at y/n," Lisa suddenly adds, attention turning to the concerning conversation.

"That's Hillary, the club president or something," Yuna confirms with a shudder, "she's super psycho about Mark. Definitely stay away from her".

"Gotcha... but why is she looking at me like that? Is it just me?"

Hillary's creepy stare never leaves your face and you feel chills run down your spine like a thousand invisible spiders. Generally speaking, you sometimes shy from even ordering food over the phone. Being under her flaming gaze makes you want to shrivel up like a raisin.

If someone could write a story about Seoul University campus life, you'd for sure be a background character. Attracting negative attention to yourself for no reason is surely a new feeling and unequivocally uncomfortable... perhaps because there is any attention on you at all?

"Well for one," Yuna smiles, poking an accusing finger into your side, "you seem to be getting along with these guys pretty well. Especially Mark". The blonde wiggles her perfectly threaded brows at you. Flustered, you shove a nugget in her mouth before she could say more.

"What are you even talking about, we literally just met". You fight to keep your voice steady and expression unaffected, but alas you can't stop the heat from spreading onto your unwilling cheeks. Admittedly, it's been a while since you've gone out with a guy. More honestly, you haven't really dated anyone since you came to campus last year. So needless to say, your single self is a little bit flustered to be thrown into the notion that you even have a chance to be with a super popular, charming guy like Mark.

You shake your head to clear the ridiculous thoughts.

Let's not err on the side of desperation today.

Peering back at the crazy fangirl who you now know as Hillary, you're relieved to find her piercing gaze has shifted from boring holes in your skull to her cell phone and she types away at lightning speed.

"I have a feeling that he likes you, y/n," Yuna presses. Hope and Lisa giggle and nod in agreement, exchanging knowing glances at each other. 

You don't have ample time to ponder more as your attention is ripped away by the fighting boys. They've shifted from the shade of the willow tree to the basketball court, disregarding all onlookers and fighting like their lives depended on it.

"Let's go. Rooftop. Right now!" Haechan screeches, taking a leap at Ten while Mark struggles to hold him back.

"Fight me here, bro," Ten taunts, "we all know I'm built different". The sass in his voice gives Haechan the strength to break away from Mark's grasp and tackle the senior boy. All eyes glue to the two boys rolling around on the hot pavement, screaming.

"Yuna, can you-" Jeno starts, eyes closed as he lay on the blanket listening to his friends beat each other up.

"Yeah," Yuna gives the tired boy an apologetic pat on the knee. "Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul".

Her boyfriend's entire body immediately freezes at the sound of his full name. Letting Haechan go from his chokehold, Ten scurries back over to his spot on the picnic blanket to kneel by an unamused Yuna like a scolded dog. "I'm sorry".

You suppress another laugh. This... this is what the cool kids are like? You were really nervous for nothing. Mark shuffles back next to you, supporting a limping Haechan who insists he's fine.

"Sorry girls. They're not... actually no, they are usually like this," Jeno apologizes, "Hope we didn't scare you away".

"No, actually. I think you guys are really... funny. It's cool how comfortable you all are". You smile at the hockey players. Weird as they may be, you don't feel uncomfortable.

"She thinks you're cool!" Haechan cries, slapping Mark on the back.

"Shut up!" Mark smacks the back of the younger's head, ready for another fight already.

"But don't you guys think it's weird we haven't met earlier? We always see the hockey team around our practices but I think this is our first time officially talking," Hope suddenly points out the elephant in the room.

"Yeah I guess that's true," Haechan ponders, "to be honest, we didn't think you guys liked us very much... or let me rephrase that- we were kinda scared to approach you".

"YOU were scared to approach US," Lisa exclaims in shock, "did you forget that you four are, like, the most popular guys on campus or what?".

The four boys look amongst each other blankly. "No, but we thought...," Haechan starts.

"... that figure skaters hated hockey players," Mark finishes. Silent glances are exchanged between all parties as this new information is revealed.

At the sheer awkwardness of the situation, you decide to interrupt the silence with light laughter. "Why would we hate you?"

"You- agh," Haechan's reasoning is cut off by a sharp jab to the ribs from Mark. No way is he going to let the blabbermouth sophomore spoil that they stalked your Facebook last year and found your post.

"I mean you all seem really cool and," Mark saves, looking at you, "I'm really glad we got to meet you today. But we were just... intimidated before".

You raise an eyebrow and your eyes meet Yuna's, Hope's, and Lisa's who shared similar expressions.

"Babe, I'm intimidating?" Yuna asks her boyfriend, peering into his eyes. Ten promptly places a hand at the back of her neck and brings her in for a deep kiss. Everyone in the group groans in disapproval and you hope the sour expression on your face isn't too obvious. Why, Ten. Why.

"Uh.. ok then," you divert, "I was never a fan of hockey itself, to be frank. The sport, not the team. And maybe I've been annoyed at you guys for hogging the ice sometimes, but I've never ever hated you! Don't worry haha".

"Bro what?!" Haechan cries, "hockey is the greatest sport of all time! It's all about strategy, speed, strength, and skills. If anything, figure skating doesn't have a point".

You gasp in full-offense. Sure, you just gave your honest opinion on their sport and it was only fair that they give theirs, but that one burns. Before you can make your counterargument, the boy next to you beats you to it.

Tapping the back of his hand to Haechan's arm, Mark's next words made your heart skip a beat: "dude, you don't know what you're talking about," he turned to look into your eyes, "it's beautiful".

Mark's eyes are a deep brown color, you notice, and they sparkle gold in the light streaming past the branches of the willow tree. Softly, they peer into yours, bringing with them a rare kindness that pinches at your chest.

"Thank you" you smile at him. Is your face always this warm?

"Okayyy," Jeno finally opts to sit up, "now that we've determined that we don't hate each other and we're all cool, are we good to be friends?". A chorus of "Heck yeah"'s and "duh"'s filled the picnic area and your heart swells with happiness. You look back at Mark and smiled again.

New friends

"You should come eat with us here more often," Mark suggests to you, warm gaze making your heart strain for the hundredth time that afternoon. What is happening? "All of you should," he corrects, looking away shyly.

"Yeah we're here everyday," Ten adds. Looking down to Yuna who had laid her head in his lap, he stroked her hair lovingly. "You should come hang out with us whenever".

"I'd like that," you grin.

"Let's make a group chat. Everyone gimme your numbers," Haechan declares.

While the brunette went around collecting numbers, you chatted with Mark, wanting to get to know him more. You quickly find that he's so very endearing, blushing and fiddling with the bandages on his fingers at your every word. His words are kind and he listens to you thoughtfully when you speak. Talking to him is so easy, surprisingly easy, and you feel the conversation unfold out effortlessly. You hardly notice as the minutes of your lunch break tick to an end.

"That's crazy! There was this one time that-" the jarring sound of your phone alarm cuts you off. Scrambling for your phone, you tap on the screen desperately to shut it off.

"Sorry guys," you apologize, "Lisa, oh my goodness, it's time for us to go to Frankie's".

Lisa checks her own watch and gasps, "Oh gosh! We gotta go guys".

"Who's Frankie?" Mark questions, eyes slightly crestfallen.

"No," you laugh while picking up your bag, "Frankie's. The diner down the street next to the lake. We work there".

Haechan, Ten, and Jeno crack up silently at their sensitive friend. 

"It was nice meeting you all!" you exclaim, "It was nice meeting you, Mark".

"Great meeting you, y/n. Hope to see you around," he waves back at you.

Bidding their goodbyes, you and Lisa make your way down the alley to her parked car.

"Y/n don't you think Mark is super into you?" Lisa says excitedly once the others are out of earshot.

"What are you saying!?" you proclaim, looking back to make sure the Lovelees aren't following you. Seeing the coast is clear, you consider your friend's accusation. So much has happened in the last 2 hours than in your year and a month at college, or your entire life honestly. 

You walked into the alley with no guy friends and are leaving with four. Is it greedy to say that Mark really does stand out to you and you might be starting to like him, or are you just like every other girl who likes him too? The last thing you want is to be like Hillary.

"He's probably just friendly to everyone," you decide.

"No way, y/n, you good in the head? This dude only looking at you the whole time," Lisa retorts.

You shake your head in denial but thinking back, it could be true.

There it is again. That nervous, light feeling in your chest.

Oh, God. What if I like him?

Mark flops down on his bed, still not down from the high that he's been on all day. No, not that kind of high. Smile plastered on his face, he runs his fingers through his freshly washed hair, recounting your conversations from earlier.

"Dude, you look so stupid," Jeno walks into their shared room, shirtless from just getting out of the shower. A simple white towel wrapped around his lean torso is the only thing censoring the spectacular scene. Messing his hair with a second towel, he chucks the wet fabric at Mark's face.

"Fuck off," Mark swings it back at the sophomore. This year, he chose to live in a suit with the rest of the guys to save some money. Him and Jeno shared a room while Ten and Haechan occupied the other. It's undeniably small and only has one bathroom, but he is grateful he at least doesn't have to room with Haechan anymore.

Mark's phone buzzes with a notification on his nightstand. Propping himself up with his elbow, he checks to see who it's from.

1 new message from unknown

Mark sighs. If it's these crazy girls again he's going to get really annoyed. Today was a really good day and the last thing he wants is another stranger asking him to father her children. 

Maybe: Yuna?: hey mark, it's Yuna. I got your number from the group chat! If you're not too busy I'd love to talk to you about a few things

Oh crap.

Suddenly nervous, Mark scrambles to sit up properly.

"Text from your new girlfriend?," Jeno taunts unknowingly.

"No, dickhead, it's Yuna," Mark rebuts, thinking hard about a good, casual reply.

"Oh, shit," Jeno states, taken aback. The sophomore swaggers onto his own bed, now sporting a pair of grey sweatpants and a fitted white t-shirt. The bare minimum makes him look like a poster boy every magazine photographer would clamber for. The man could put all models out of work if he had the heart for it. Fortunately, he only has the heart for hockey, video games, and pizza.

Mark: Hey Yuna! What's up?

Yuna: Hey :) nothing much! Not to freak you out, but I know all about your crush on y/n from Ten

Mark: ahaha... yeah I figured

Yuna: ok, so as her best friend and someone who cares about her a lot I just wanna put a few things out there

Yuna: is typing...

Mark watched as the three dots of the impending message taunted him. What could she be talking about? What if you have a boyfriend and Yuna's telling you to back off?

Yuna: if you're going to get close with her, you gotta make sure you keep her safe from those crazy fangirls. Y/N is a shy and sensitive girl she'll definitely take the hate to heart and if Hillary and those other crazy bitches come after her, I won't let you live

Hillary? Mark wracks his brain for any memory of a girl with that name. That girl from calc? No, that's Helen. Hillary...

An image of a mousy girl with red bangs comes into his mind. Ah yes, that's Hillary. She sends him love tweets and gave him chocolates for Valentine's Day.

Mark: I barely know Hillary and I'm pretty sure I've told her I'm not into her, but i'll make sure she knows. Yuna I'm serious about y/n

Yuna: as you should be! She's a real diamond in the rough and she's never confident in herself. All she does is work and study and practice. She never does anything for herself but she never complains either. Also, I don't wanna butt in too much, but I gotta you ask one thing

Mark: yeah ask away!

Yuna: y/n says today is the first time she met you but Ten says you've "been simping for like a year". Add it up for me?

Mark: It's kind of hard to explain... it like... do you believe in love at first sight?

Yuna: HA!!! You're too cute omg

Mark: It's like that but I never had the chance to talk to her... it never seemed right idk

Yuna: boy

Yuna: I had to force y/n to go to your game with me and Ten had to bribe Haechan to set up the picnic today early

Yuna: not to mention we made Hope and Jeno sit together even though they're both awkward just so y/n would have to sit next to you. you better make ur fucking move now

Mark curls his fingers into his blow-dried hair, letting out a low, stressed groan. He's gonna owe the guys big time.

Mark: I really appreciate it! :)))

Yuna: oh and one more thing

Mark: yeah?

Yuna: If you hurt her, I will gouge out your eyeballs and stick them up your ass and while you cry, I'll force feed you your own severed balls until you choke and die. Got it? :D

Holy fuck.

Mark: understood

Yuna: Yay!!! Approved :) good night mark! Nice getting to know you today!

Mark: same here. Night!

Mark's thumbs shake as he types out his final message. So this is what your friends are like, huh? It's such a contrast to your easy-going attitude. A smile spreads across his lips at the thought of you again.

Stretching up to shut off the lamp on his night stand, Mark tucks himself into bed. It's finally happening. You're here. You're right within his grasp. And he wants nothing more than to give you everything you need.

Mark contemplates Yuna's messages as he lay there in the dark; she said you aren't confident in yourself. This comes as a surprise to him. You're so beautiful, smart, kind, funny, and talented, the last thing he expected was that you didn't know it. You exude put-togetherness and wear elegance like a favorite sweater.

His eyes squeeze shut as Mark replays the first night he saw you in his mind. The image is engraved in his brain as he must have revisited that unintentional performance a thousand times.

This whole time, he never got to know you, but today he dipped his hand in the water. And he wanted so much more, to dive in completely and surround himself with you. All this time, he's only been on the sidelines.

I want her so bad

It's time to stop waiting around and get in the game. He's going to talk to you, walk you to class, make you feel special. So much time has already been wasted due to his own fears and misunderstandings. If it's confidence you need, it's confidence he will give you.

Wait for me, y/n, I'm gonna do it right this time

previous || m.list || next 

[sanderssidesfanfiction]

If There’s a Place I Could Be - Chapter Fifty

If There’s a Place I Could Be Tag

December 26th, 1991

Emile smiled, albeit a little sadly, when he saw his younger cousins playing with some of his toys that he had started to outgrow and lose interest in. “It was very generous of you to give them your toys, Emile,” his mother said.

“I figured they could get more use out of them than I could,” Emile said. “And I’m a little sad to give them away, but they’ll be enjoyed more by my cousins, anyway.”

His mother shook her head. “Still, most kids your age don’t share that easily. I’m proud of you.”

Emile ducked his head in mild embarrassment, but looked up at his mom after a moment and grinned. “Thanks, Mom.”

  December 13th, 2001

It was Theo’s senior year, and as such, he had decided to invite everyone over to his and his friends’ house for a proper Christmas party the day that finals had ended. He was giving his e-mail out to anybody who would take it, saying that he wanted to keep in contact and he didn’t want to risk missing people over the course of the spring semester. Emile found it incredibly endearing, and Remy was just poking fun at Theo as he went around, passing out his e-mail and collecting the others’. Theo was laughing at it, though, so Emile suspected he didn’t mind.

“So, how did Thanksgiving go?” Clara asked, flopping down next to Emile on the couch. “You never actually told us what it was like, bringing your boyfriend back home to meet the family.”

“It was okay,” Emile said. “Remy and I were in the metaphorical closet around my grandfather, though. He doesn’t know and I don’t want him to know, not yet. I want to see if he can be more understanding before I drop that bombshell on him.”

Clara winced. “Ouch. He’s one of those ‘fire and brimstone’ types?”

“Not usually,” Emile said. “But on this particular topic...he just...doesn’t understand.”

Clara sighed, shaking her head. “Most people that old don’t. Which is sad, and discouraging.”

“Tell me about it,” Emile laughed hollowly. “One day, there will be people who understand of all ages, but so far, I have yet to meet someone who survived the eighties who’s that old, and therefore I haven’t met anyone in favor of the LGBT community that age, either.”

Clara leaned her head back into the couch. “How telling is it that we only ever expect other people in the community to understand?”

Emile blew out a breath. “I imagine more telling than we’d like,” he said, turning to look at Clara with a sad smile. “At least there are people in the community who understand, though.”

Clara nodded. “And most colleges are accepting in general, these days.”

Remy walked over with his arms crossed. “You two aren’t smiling,” he accused.

“Oh, I’m sorry, Rem, I wasn’t aware we had to smile all the time in order to please you,” Emile said with an eye-roll.

“Not what I meant,” Remy said. “You guys seem sad. What’s up?”

“My grandfather,” Emile sighed.

“Stressing over Christmas again?” Remy asked. “I thought we both had plans in place for if the cat got out of the bag.”

“We do. I’m stressing over the fact that we need those plans in the first place,” Emile said.

“Oh,” Remy said softly, sitting on Emile’s other side. “Yeah, that is a bit of a bummer.”

“No kidding?” Emile asked, looking over at Remy with a tired expression.

“Hey, it’ll be okay, mio amore,” Remy said, putting his hand on Emile’s shoulder.

“I know that,” Emile said, putting his hand over Remy’s. “It just hurts in the meantime.”

“Could be worse, you could have had my parents and your grandfather to contend with,” Remy laughed.

Emile considered that. The nosiness of Remy’s mother, mixed with the snide comments his grandfather made, that would not end well. “Someone would probably wind up dead,” Emile said.

Remy laughed. “Oh, yeah. And now, because I cut off my parents, we don’t have to bury any corpses.”

Emile snorted. “Some silver lining,” he said, running a hand down his face. “I don’t want to hide being with you, Remy. I’m super proud to call you my boyfriend. It sucks that we can’t tell anyone outside my parents because we can’t trust them to keep quiet over the course of Christmas.”

Remy took Emile’s hand and when Emile looked over to Remy, he was surprised to find Remy grinning like the cat who got the cream. “What?” Emile asked.

“I’ve never heard you say you’re proud to be with me, before,” Remy said. “And, like, I know that you love me, but the fact that you’re proud of that...I don’t know. It’s...nice.”

“And gay,” Clara piped up.

Emile and Remy laughed. “You better believe it, Clara!” Remy exclaimed. “I’m gay for this man and he’s gay for me back and the entire world deserves to know!”

“Okay, okay,” Emile said, holding up his free hand. “I’ll try to not be so down. I know it’s a time to celebrate, especially considering that most of us won’t be seeing each other for the better part of a month.”

“Yeah, c’mon, Emile, we have some last minute partying to do,” Remy teased.

Emile rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m not here for the partying so much as I’m here for conversation. I’m boring, I know, but I just like to talk with people.”

Remy rolled his eyes and pushed Emile to his feet. “Yeah? Well, Theo’s just about ready to break out the white elephant gifts, so you’d better grab something to drink now or risk losing a prime seat near the presents.”

“I’m not thirsty, though,” Emile said, frowning.

“But I know you, love, and you will be within the hour. Grab a bottle of water or something, I don’t care. But grab something so I don’t have to hear you complain,” Remy said with a smirk.

“Fine,” Emile said, and as soon as he moved Remy snatched up his spot next to Clara. “You’re a traitor, you realize,” he casually mentioned as he walked away.

“Hey, my lap can be a pretty cosy place to sit!” Remy called after him.

Emile flushed red in embarrassment and grabbed a bottle of water quickly, before electing to sit on the armrest of the couch Remy and Clara were now occupying, resolutely not looking Remy in the eyes. Theo came over with the stack of presents, and everyone sat in a circle as he set them up and grabbed a hat full of paper numbers. “Let’s get started, everyone,” Theo said. “Pick a paper, and get your order number!”

He went around the room and everyone grabbed a number, and he took the last slip remaining in the hat. “What’d you get?” Remy asked.

“Ten,” Emile said.

Remy laughed. “Lucky. I have three.”

Emile winced in sympathy. “Only two presents to steal,” he said. “You’d probably have better luck opening a present.”

“Yeah,” Remy sighed. “Ah, well. Such is the luck of the draw. And this could still be fun.”

“Yeah, if you got a super popular present you might wind up getting to steal later in the game,” Emile said.

The game started with a girl that Emile didn’t know the name of opening a present and laughing at what was inside. Apparently, it was a small statue of a literal white elephant.

Xavier went next, and he opted to open a present, which was a calendar filled with Garfield comics. “Oh, that’s a nice one,” Emile laughed.

“Garfield isn’t exactly the epitome of comics, but a calendar is nice,” Remy agreed. He hummed. “Eh, screw it, I’ll open one.”

He grabbed a tall, thin box and opened it, before laughing hysterically. He let the last of the wrapping paper fall and revealed a lava lamp. “What?! No way!” Theo exclaimed. “Who found a lava lamp for fifteen bucks?!”

“You’d be surprised,” another senior boy said with a smirk. “Thrift shops are wonderful places. Oh, and I tested it before I brought it, and it still works.”

Remy laughed. “Man, I always wanted one of these as a kid,” he said. “My parents never let me have one.”

The game continued, and a girl stole the white elephant statue, so the first girl stole Remy’s lava lamp, and Remy reluctantly opened another present. He sniffed a laugh at the tiny bottle which featured a tinier ship.

“Sick, man!” Theo exclaimed, immediately stealing it for his turn.

Remy stole back the lava lamp with a grin and the girl opened another present, a pack of number two pencils with a note that read: For next semester’s finals. Everyone groaned at the reminder, except for Remy, who giggled maniacally.

They continued the game until it was Emile’s turn, and he decided he wasn’t going to steal the lava lamp from Remy, much as he might like to. Remy had stolen it back every chance he got and everyone knew that he was not going home without it, so they backed off him. He instead picked up a lumpy present that everyone had been ignoring, and he opened it, laughing at the stuffed dog that was inside. “Aw, this is adorable!” he cooed.

Remy had a conflicted expression on his face as the game moved on to player number eleven. Emile quietly asked, “You okay?”

“That’s...” Remy swallowed. “That’s the exact style of stuffed animal that my stuffed dog Bones was,” he whispered.

“Oh,” Emile said, looking down at the dog in his hands with a new sort of respect.

Player number twelve stole the elephant, the Garfield comic calendar was stolen, and the next to last gift was opened: a book filled with random trivia facts that was calling itself The Ultimate Toilet Entertainer, for some reason Emile couldn’t fathom.

Finally, the first girl got her chance to steal something, and she grabbed the white elephant statue with a shrug. “I kinda like it, it’s cute,” she defended.

The person it was stolen from sighed. “Well, I don’t really like anything else here, so I guess I’m opening the last present.”

And when they did, they saw what Emile had brought to the white elephant, which was an old VCR tape that had to be from the early nineties, featuring Disney’s Beauty and the Beast. “Oh, that’s not bad, actually,” they said, and Emile grinned.

The party continued somewhat after that, but slowly people had to leave to get packed for the winter break. When Emile and Remy said goodbye to their friends and got to Emile’s car, Emile looked at the stuffed dog he was still holding, spying some initials on the tag. Some very familiar initials. “Hey, Rem,” he said.

“Yeah?” Remy asked.

“Do you know what happened? After Toby rescued Bones from your parents?” Emile asked.

“He let me play with Bones in his room for a while, but eventually either our parents found out or a family friend’s kid found him, because he disappeared and neither Toby nor I could find him,” Remy sighed. “Why?”

“Well, this dog has a little tag on it,” Emile said, inspecting it closely. “And it has initials on it.”

“My parents would label toys sometimes once I was around to make it clear whose stuff was whose,” Remy said. “But why’s that important?”

“Well, the initials are RSP,” Emile said. “And I’ve never seen your parents handwriting, but that seems like a hell of a coincidence.”

“What? No way,” Remy said. They got inside the car and Emile passed the dog over to Remy. Remy’s eyes widened looking at the tag. “What...? That’s...that’s my mom’s handwriting...Oh, my God. I knew that one of the people at the party knew my family, because we had talked briefly and they mentioned in passing that my last name sounded familiar and we figured out that’s where we had heard about each other, and she had a younger sister who had been obsessed with stuffed animals for a while, but...” he took a closer look at the dog’s ear. “That’s where I got paint on the fur that never came out. It’s the same dog. Oh my God!”

Emile offered Remy a smile. “You should keep him.”

Remy looked up at Emile with wide eyes. “You mean that? I don’t want to take your gift from the white elephant, do you want the lava lamp in return?”

“No, Remy, it’s okay,” Emile said, starting the drive home. “You can keep both things. I really don’t mind.”

Remy was quietly crying at this news, and Emile didn’t mention it. He didn’t fail to notice that night, however, when Remy was setting up the lava lamp in his room, Bones was sitting on his bed’s pillow. And when Emile checked on Remy before he went to bed himself, he saw Remy snuggled up to Bones in his sleep, the lava lamp emitting a soft blue glow with green lava making shapes in it.

Emile shook his head softly and went to bed himself. Maybe he was obsessed with something as childish as cartoons, but Remy never got the chance to naturally grow out of his childhood. It was sad to think about, but Emile was glad Remy could live out his childhood dreams now that he was here.

[two-calicos-in-a-trenchcoat]

CW: transphobia, homophobia. Also pretty long and I'm on mobile so I cant put a read more thing on it.

Ok so this is kind of a personal post so if you don't wanna hear about some of my personal drama, just scroll along. But I feel like I need to get this shit on record somewhere since I don't have the screenshots of the texts this is concerning anymore.

So a little over a year ago, I told the person who'd been my best friend, we'll call her E, since I was about 9 that I didnt want to be friends with her anymore. More on that later.

Back in senior year of high school I started thinking I might be Bi. I brought this up to E and she was super dismissive right off that bat. Saying that I wasnt, sounding like she was trying to console me. Like being Bi was this awful thing that I needed to worry about.

Well fast forward about a year and a half and I went up to my college with her so I could do new student orientation since I was starting the next semester. This is when the fact that I was Bi sort of smacked me in the face because the girl doing my orientation was super hot. I immediately knew I wouldnt be telling E that.

Fast forward to march of 2017. Its spring break. I've reconnected with my high school friends. I've never felt the need to hide my sexuality from them and they were instantly nothing but supportive of me. We never really hung out outside of school back in high school (or in elementary school either in Eric's case.) I start realizing that I've been having more fun with them then I ever did with E. And I finally had people to geek out about sciencey stuff with because E doesnt believe in science but eric LOVES science. It was nice.

Well a couple weeks after spring break me and Es mutual friend Althea asked me to drive her to the shelter so she could get her boyfriends cat fixed (it's way cheaper there then at the vet) and spent the day hanging out with her because she WAS planning to walk back there to pick up the cat afterwards and I was like "uh no. I'm not gonna make you walk across town by yourself." So I finally got to meet her boyfriend. Well that afternoon E came and picked me up to go up to the KU campus to get some more bus passes to go to our college in KC because our school was out of bus passes and didnt know when theyd get more.

Here's when I kinda started to realize I should maybe get out of this friendship. On the way to campus E starts telling me about her day at school and how "theres a girl that used to be a guy in one of my teachers other classes. It's making me uncomfortable."

Me: "that sounds like a you problem, E."

Now I knew she kind of thought that way already. She may not have said shit like that around our other friends but I had to hear it a lot. But because I'm pretty nonconfrontational and she was my only close friend outside of school and I was terrified of being alone, I usually just ignored it or politely debated her about it but generally just agreed to disagree. This was the first time I ever decided to speak up to her about it. Unfortunately I couldnt say much cuz her mom was the one driving us and i knew she agreed with everything E said.

But I'd been hanging out with althea and her boyfriend (who just so happened to be trans) all morning so suddenly having to hear E talk about how uncomfortable trans people make her got me more fired up than usual.

After this I slowly started distancing myself from her. I'd been hoping for a few years that she'd grow up and accept that not everyone is like her and try to be more open minded and accepting of people. Apparently that wasnt happening.

I stopped responding to her texts as often. I was trying to think of a way to talk to her about it but all my past friendships that fell apart, did so naturally and on a silent mutual agreement. So I was half hoping that would happen. Pretty stupid. Dont recommend. Just be straight with people.

After a few months of me only answering her texts every once in a while, she decided to start calling me multiple times a week. Often while I was at work. Sometimes from her mom and sisters phones when I wouldnt answer from her number. Idk y she thought that would work. She knows I hate talking on the phone.

I still didnt know what to say to her. I probably should've just told her I needed some space and she might've backed off for awhile so I could figure it out. But subway stressed me tf out. And i have no idea how you're supposed to end a relationship with your best friend of over 10 years.

(Also some of my other reasons for not wanting to be friends with her were specifically because of althea and I didnt want althea to get dragged into it. Unfortunately it ended up happening anyways. But basically back in highschool, if we were planning for all four of us (me, e, althea, and nikki) to get together, and nikki would have something come up, E would tell althea our get together was cancelled but would still have me come over and then made me promise not to say anything to althea about it.)

Around march or april of last year I blocked her family's numbers. This is when they started showing up at my work. The first time it happened I had a long ass line and was helping my coworker get through it before I left. Her sister came in by herself and just asked how I was doing but left pretty quick after she got her sandwich since it was busy. A couple more times they came and just parked outside like they were waiting for me to get off my shift but ended up leaving. The last time it happened E came in while I was there alone and I really didnt wanna have THAT conversation while i was at work alone and her crazy overprotective mom was out in the car waiting for her. So i made her sandwich very quickly so i could get her out as fast as I could.

I was planning on finally talking to her around the end of april but was still having trouble figuring out what to say.

Unfortunately any plan I had to let her down easy was sort of thrown out the window on may 13th of last year.

My mom texted me that morning about how she got a weird call from Es aunt. On her work phone. This is basically how that call went:

"IS THIS OLIVIAS MOM?????"

My mom, suddenly worried it's my work and something happened to me, "Yes?"

"Why isnt olivia talking to E anymore?"

"............I dont know."

So that kind of crossed a line for me. It really freaked my mom out.

I'm bad at articulating my thoughts when I'm mad or stressed out tho. So my friend Alice ended up writing out the text for me and I read through it to make sure it was ok.

Basically it said "I'm sorry but I dont think we can be friends anymore. The way you talk about the LGBT+ community makes me extremely uncomfortable, especially seeing as I am bisexual and have several friends in the community. The way you used to exclude althea from hanging out with us because you think shes annoying and then expect me to lie to her about it makes me uncomfortable. It was inappropriate to show up at my work unannounced to corner me into talking to you when I needed space. And it was even more inappropriate for your relatives to call my mom at work. I'm sorry I didnt say something sooner but I'm tired of pretending I'm ok with everything you've said over the years."

Then her mom texts me. I dont remember all of it but the gist was "you're a horrible person. E never judged you or anyone else (sure, miss "gay people are gross. I can see how conversion therapy might work." Totally isnt judging anyone and 100% cares about the lgbt+ community.) The only reason she did those things is because she was worried about you."

Then E left me a voicemail that I couldnt understand at all cuz she was crying and I felt terrible even tho everyone was telling me I shouldn't. Now I probably should've taken out the part about althea because it effectively threw my "not wanting to get althea involved" plan out the window. Honestly what really pissed me off about this next part both made me pissed at E but also at myself. E removed herself from the group chat I had with her, nikki, and althea. Blocked althea on Facebook and blocked her number. Didnt bother to explain why. I still feel terrible about this even tho althea has told me many times that it's fine and if she'd had to pick a side she wouldve picked mine. But I still felt like she at least deserved an explanation.

Alice told me to screenshot the texts. I almost didn't cuz I just wanted to forget about all this. But I did.

Anyways life moved on. Eric got a new phone and gave me his beat up galaxy s7. I stuck my s6 into a drawer and let it die and forgot about it.

Then on new years I got a call from althea. Not weird at all. She calls me every major holiday and birthday. Shes done this every year since junior year of high school.

Normal phone call at first. But then she says that her mom has been talking to E's mom. Apparently E's mom told altheas mom that I told E that althea hates her and thinks shes a terrible person and that's why E hasnt been talking to althea. Althea of course didnt believe that but wanted me know about it. This prompted me to try and charge up my old phone and get the screenshots off of it. I had it plugged in for a couple of days and it never turned back on. So that's out apparently.

That's also why I felt the need to get all of this written down. It may not be as great as having the actual screenshots but I'm bad at articulating my thoughts when confronted so I want to have something written down in case any of this comes up again.

[azariaspace]

In which I make a BIG TEXT POST about my most recent relationship (of what kind?  who knows) drama for all those who are interested, chronicling as much as I can

THE FALL:

1.  I join Calvin Theatre Company.  CTC is dope.  CTC casts their fall play -- I decide not to audition because I have a busy fall and want to adjust to college first, but the object of my affection (I’m calling him Jared because for some damn reason when he first texted me his number he introduced himself to me as Jared and now Siri keeps trying to call him that.  It’s not his real name, though.) gets the main male role.

2.  In CTC, if you’re not in the cast, you have to be on a crew.  I get assigned to the Set Construction Crew.  When I show up to work, I find out that there’s also a bunch of people who are Scene Shop Employees.  Lo and behold, Jared is one of them.  I work for two hours on Mondays and three hours on Fridays, and Jared is always there when I am.

3.  I have the biggest crush on my RA for most of the semester, but Jared and I like working together (I like working with him more than anyone else -- at first I assume it’s because I actually know him from CTC, but maybe it’s something else -- and we switch between roasting and encouraging each other pretty frequently.  We also develop a banter outside of that that’s super cool.)

4.  I go see our fall production, and that’s when I start subconsciously asking questions about how much I like my RA and how much I like Jared.

(Bonus stories:  I find out he’s ethnically Jewish, and I’m one of the few people who knows enough about Jewish culture to understand his Jewish jokes.  I’m also outed as nonbinary to him after the show I watched by a friend, who we’ll call... Tall Gay Boy?  My friends know who he is, and nobody else needs to.  Anyway, he took it well at the time, but has clearly forgotten, because Tall Gay Boy also talked about pronouns and Jared has not been using those pronouns.)

THE INTERIM:

1.  During interim, I realized I was over my RA.  I also realized that I had really strong feelings of some kind for Jared.

2.  I was a bad first-year student and didn’t take the type of class I was supposed to during interim.  Instead, I took the theatre class.  Jared didn’t, but he was still working in the scene shop.  I was assigned to light crew.  We worked around each other, but some days we did the same stuff.  The banter continued.

3.  I got my first hug from him.  I got three hugs from him in one month.  Perhaps it was just because it was an emotional show and they were all after watching it, but still.  He is the best hugger I have ever encountered.

4.  In the middle of interim, he said he would kill to have me in the scene shop again.  At the end, I was joking about not wanting to start working because I didn’t like who my coworkers would be without telling him where I was working, and he said I should preemptively quit, and I then revealed where I was working, and he went on a five-minute speech about how I should give it a chance.  In front of other people.

Bonus things:  this was when I first noticed how good his beard is.  This was also when I first started talking about him with other people.  And other people like him and like me liking him.

The Spring (as of March 2nd):

1.  Jared has reduced his hours to 2.5 hours one day a week because he has a real job as a real professional marketer in the real world.  I work 4 days a week.  (We do work the same day.)

2.  Jared and I also are in the same religion class 3x a week (whenever he comes) and will be on the same run crew (meaning we’ll spend every night for two weeks together with only two other people -- and like the rest of the show).

3.  Like I said, his attendance at religion is questionable.  So I got his number to text him notes (sure).  And I saw that he was texting someone with the ❤️  emoji in the conversation (on his side, I believe), but got his number all the same.  In addition, I heard from other people that he’s single.  So he’s either liberal with his emojis or secretive with his relationships.

4.  When he’s there, the banter is exactly the same as it was last semester, except stronger.  And I’m pretty sure it’s now entered the flirting territory.  He’ll give me random pieces of scrap wood, and then I’ll ask how long I should keep them, and he’ll say five minutes, and then after five minutes I’ll throw them back at him.  He lets me steal his hat.  I apparently was the only person to wish him Happy Purim yesterday.  We texted about his broken car for three hours today.

5.  A TEXT SAYING “I love how misplaced your trust is.”  (Listen I dunno why this is so significant to me but it is.)  (Also in context we’re talking about his car don’t think I can’t trust him.)

Bonus Material:

1.  When I made this post,

I have to come out to the scene shop kids.  Because they somehow all didn’t find out during the great coming out crusade of last semester. And a friend of mine is working in there for his scene shop hours, and he volunteered to have the awkward conversations, but the one kid I want to find out most doesn’t work when the kid who’ll have the conversations works.  So.

it was about Jared (and Tall Gay Boy as my friend).

2.  When I made this post,

rules: tag 9 people u wanna get to know better Tagged by: @lumos-of-pi relationship status: Single Pringle. Getting over a pretty long-term crush and feeling out some others, also think maybe one or two people have flirted with me (there may have been some overlap between crushes and flirters — I’m unsure), pretty tired of loneliness

it was about Jared (and my RA).

3.  When I made this post (featuring the tags),

I’m writing songs again! #I HAVEN'T WRITTEN ONE IN LIKE 5 MONTHS? #I HAVEN'T WRITTEN A GOOD ONE IN LIKE EVER #BUT I'M EXCITED #IT'S A LITTLE GARBAGE BUT WHATEVER #IT'S IN ITS EARLY STAGES #ALSO I'M LISTENING TO NEW GENRES SO THAT'S PROBABLY GONNA INFLUENCE IT #ALSO HOW VAGUE DO SONGS HAVE TO BE IF THEY'RE POSTED TO THE INTERNET? #PROBABLY MORE THAN THIS

it was about Jared.

4.  These posts

I like a very handsome boy man child person. The hot guy from the theatre department. Rumor has it he’s a senior or a super senior; rumor also has it he’s a junior in years and a sophomore in credits. Strong rumors and Instagram snooping point to a transfer. He either is or just used to be a big flirt; he may have a girlfriend (different social media say different things, and I’ve never heard her mentioned). I was outed to him and he’s chill and he’s chill in general and either flirty with everyone or flirting (different from being a flirt; this is nice while his past/possible present is douchey). I’m definitely flirting with him and I don’t know if he knows; if he does, he hasn’t let on.

“I’m an enigma, [Azaria],” he says.  Is that a challenge?

Also he’s a junior who took a gap year to backpack around Europe.  Um.  Excuse me.  (Though there’s hesitation about whether he should be counted as a junior or not; perhaps because he’s as old as the seniors or perhaps because he would be a junior without the gap year so they let him do his thing.  But I believe the former.)

Also I’m now going to be working with him three days a week so #yeet.

are both from a private tumblr I have just for venting but are both about Jared.

Also this is not a post but I made a playlist of songs from the scene shop (and some not) that remind me of him.  That’s a thing I do for people and events anyway, so it’s not as creepy, but it’s still a little creepy.

He's so kind and thoughtful and funny and smells really good and he's smart and I like his beard and he's nerdy and I wish he wouldn't be so self-deprecating because there's this light in his eyes and this light he brings everywhere and he's so encouraging and he's short-minded but it's because he juggles both as a metaphor and actually.

Like what kind of guy juggles?

The Future (as far as I’m Concerned):

I want to date him, and so low-key I'm looking for advice on how to make that happen with 100% certainty, but I guess I'm just throwing this into the void to get it out of my head (and for my friends to see).  Mostly, I’m doing my best to enjoy this as a friendship, to appreciate that it might be more, and to give it time and him signals while not pressuring him.

[lexxymagnificent]

Song: Teenagers   Artist: My Chemical Romance

“The boys and girls at the clique, the awful names that they stick. You’re never gonna fit in much kid.”

Senior year is supposed to be the best year of high school right? I auditioned to be on the cheer team for the Winnebago Indians at the end of my Junior year of high school. The school was hosting auditions shortly after the Alice In Wonderland Musical was over, and I can remember entering the gym feeling so determined that I would become an official cheerleader if this audition went well. I would be able to travel to places like Rapid City, SD for the Lakota Nation Invitational basketball game, or Lincoln when our Winnebago basketball boys made it to state once again. I was ready to transition from being a fine arts student into a “cool kid,” even though the only sports I did in high school were track and cheerleading. I wasn’t the only one who showed for auditions, there were the cheerleaders and their coach along with many soon-to-be freshmen, a sophomore, and two juniors; I was one of the juniors. I auditioned with a cheer I had learned as a sophomore, “Rock N’ Roll” as a floor cheer, and the typical “Go Big (insert color here)” side cheer that everyone knows. It wouldn’t be the first time I was a cheerleader.

In my sophomore year of high school, I moved to dad’s house in a small town by the name of Whiting, Iowa. The high school had less than fifty students in it at the time. There were no one-act plays, musicals, and no extracurriculars that I would be interested to participate in. During November of 2015, auditions for the cheer team were being held. At the time, there were no cheerleaders whatsoever, and it was more of a “sign your name on this sheet to become a cheerleader” sort of deal. I was in, without an audition or anything. On the team were me and two freshmen: Maria and Kay, who later became some of my closest friends at that school. Combined, we were the Whiting Warrior Cheerleaders. At first, I thought it was a bit weird. The logo for the Whiting Warrior was an Indian head, something I took a bit offense too, seeing as there were no Native American students attending school there other than my family. Regardless, I shook it off. At most of the basketball games only Maria and I would be cheering, and Kay would have some reason to get out of it, which was okay. Together, Maria and I owned the court; Until we were running for our lives as basketballs would come near us during intense games. When the season came to an end, I wouldn’t have a way to have fun. Halfway through the second semester, I transferred back to Winnebago, NE with my mom.

I arrived and made it back to the place I loved and knew as home. I enrolled as a Winnebago Indian in early March 2016. I was back to playing the trumpet and bass guitar for the spring concert, I joined the Jungle Book Musical just before the deadline, and I was back with my old friends. During Spring Break that year, the Winnebago Indians went back to play at state for the second time in a row. I felt so proud to call myself a Winnebago Indian and to be from Winnebago alone. I traveled down to the jam-packed stadiums in Lincoln every day during break with my goth best friend. Watching the cheerleaders give their all on the floor, made me feel so proud even to know them. They were the sorcerers that chanted victory spells to make sure the boys were champions. They twinkled their fingers in the air like wands, putting all their might into the next free-throw. I wanted to be a spell-caster with them as well, a full-on Winnebago Indians Cheerleader.

At the end of my junior year in high school, I made the move to audition for the cheer team, and I got the part. I was no longer Alex The Thespian. I was Alexandrea The Prowess, as I entered a field I had yet to explore: football cheerleading. We opened the season with many girls. Four new cheerleaders: Me, Katie: my childhood best friend, Jos: the junior, and Sara: the freshman. The rest of the team included Seniors: Samantha, Joan, and Deanna, who were all my cousins, Juniors: Alexandria and Amy, and Sophomore: Allie. Together, I thought we all made a pretty amazing team. I was wrong. Unfortunately In the summer, we lost two of our senior cheerleaders. Deanna had just given birth to a baby boy and chose a basketball camp over a mandatory cheer camp. Joan decided to start having her “senior year fun” a bit early before the semester began, not showing up to any practices, earning her kick off of the team. Now we were down to eight cheerleaders, it wasn’t that bad, we could do just as good as ten right? During this period I started having my doubts about being a cheerleader.

I dyed my hair hot pink before the football cheer season had officially started. When I chose to color my hair such a bright, unnatural color, I wasn’t made aware that you couldn’t have your hair a tone that wasn’t “normal”. I was told that I shouldn’t bleach my roots or do touch-ups on it, and that I should dye my hair back to natural brown before basketball season hits. I was a furious, if I would’ve known that then I wouldn’t have chosen to dye it in the first place.

Football season had officially started, and almost every Friday night we were out at football fields cheering in the evening, traveling to places that were ten minutes to three hours away. In the long drives from home to away, I started noticing how different I was from the others. I dressed in black, listened to nothing but rock bands, did fine art things like band and plays, and not to mention my bright pink hair. The other girls were what you imagine as your typical cheerleaders: bright colored clothing, listening to pop/hip-hop music, playing other sports, and hanging out with the football players after games. These girls were your typical “preps.” I was your average “emo” girl, I even skipped a football game to go see Five Finger Death Punch live with some friends. I knew I was different, and even the coach pointed that out.

I arrived in the van of the cheerleaders to the next football game. This game was the Hartington Wildcats vs. Winnebago Indians. Us cheerleaders had gone onto the track where we cheered, getting ready to stretch or warm-up for the game. Right as we were about to start the opening cheer, my coach Sarah pulled me to the side and told me directly “You need to start acting like the other girls. You’re always alone, by yourself and you never talk to anyone in the van on the way out. You don’t have the cheerleading spirit, and you’re not like the other girls.” That hurt. I knew that I wasn’t like the other girls, anyone could see that. But no one had to point it out just like that. I didn’t talk in the van like the other girls because they usually gossiped about other people, something I didn’t want to get involved in. As for cheer spirit, I had a bubbly personality, and a loud voice as a cheerleader should have. I’m a sensitive person. Anyone knows that. I wanted to argue, cry, show some emotion of hurt, but that wouldn’t look very professional in front of a large crowd. I agreed and said that I would try to be like the others: something I’m not.

A week before the homecoming game, Sara was kicked off of the cheer team for smoking in her cheer uniform; something cheerleaders weren’t supposed to do. Now we were down to seven cheerleaders. We were almost to the end of the season anyway, I figure that we could all pull through, which we did. One of the most memorable games of that season was the Winnebago (Ho-Chunk) Indians vs. Macy (Umoho) Chiefs, that was fun. Winnebago and Macy are natural enemies because they’re two rival tribes and towns right next to each other. So beating them at their own homecoming game was terrific. We even came up with a new cheer, “Frybread, fry bread, greasy, greasy, we beat your team easy, easy.” It turns out, Native Americans are quite petty when we beat each other at sports. Finally, Katie quit the cheer team when the season was over to work at a job she never got.

I dyed my hair back to its natural brown right before football season ended. Now we were approaching the season that everyone loves and hates at the same time: basketball season. It’s the season that drives the ‘Bago Indian fans crazy because of our state champion name. They treated basketball like it was a god. Which who could blame them? We did win ninety percent of our games. They wore their pride on their sleeves. Cheerleading, for the most part, was very fun. We went out to eat after every game, we all hugged at the end of a basketball game whether, we lost or not, we even did a Secret Santa for Christmas together. My Secret Santa was Jos. She bought me a Monster energy drink, a Tokyo Ghoul t-shirt, and my favorite cookies: Chewy-Chocolate chip. Of course, things weren’t always positive.

At the end of December 2017, I realized that I couldn’t stay on this schedule of not knowing when I had free time or not. Sometimes basketball games would randomly pop out last second, making me cancel plans I had already made. Even during Winter break things were hectic. The school gave us eleven days off, I only had two of those days I had to myself. The rest of the days were used on the Lewis & Clark Basketball Conference Tournament and other basketball games that required travel. I didn’t have time to be my creative self or have time alone in general. Those two days I had, they weren’t enough. I was getting tired of always being around people and not having my own time. I’m an introvert, being around a large crowd all day drained me pretty fast. Then there was being terrified of being hit by a basketball, I didn’t like that. I signed up to be someone with a voice that benefits others, not someone on the battlefield asking to get hit by a basketball.

Quitting wasn’t an option. I knew what would happen if I did, the backlash would strike me very hard, and I was already sensitive as is. Cheerleading would look good on college applications. I could push through, right? I could make it. Speech season had just started and I was co-captain, my grandfather was battling lung cancer at the time, I was the Queen in the next Sleeping Beauty Musical, practicing music to perform on my trumpet at the Lewis & Clark Conference Honor Band, working on a project to present in Anchorage, Alaska, one of the only two senior cheerleaders. I felt exhausted, and I didn’t know what to do. I felt stuck in place. I only had two months left of basketball season, and I didn’t think the Winnebago Basketball Boys would make it to state. If I quit it wouldn’t hurt right?

My head was spiraling in one place. I didn’t know how to feel, and I didn’t want to quit because I knew it would hurt the team. I told my mom how I felt and she told me it’s my choice to make though, I wanted her to make it for me. This choice became so hard for me that one night I hit my breaking point, rock bottom. I was so stressed and fed up with not even being able to have time to think, I did something many would regret. I thought I could handle everything at once, be an expert multi-tasker, but I guess I couldn’t. I swallowed pills thinking it would end everything and choose for me. It didn’t; I took the wrong ones. Now what do I do? I stayed home from school that day, taking time for myself and skipping a basketball game. That was the day I made my grand decision: I quit. I quit being an official Winnebago Indians Cheerleader.

Rumors spread like wildfire when people found out that I quit: “Alex quit because she was pregnant.”, “Alex was kicked off the team because she was caught hooking up with someone in her uniform.”, “Alex isn’t so innocent. She was drinking alcohol, and someone took a picture then sent it to the coach.” These were some of the rumors that were said which were not true in the slightest. They were started by some of the girls on the cheer team and other "preps."  I was angry and furious. They hadn’t known what I just went through when I quit the team. I wanted to scream and tell the world that their dear Alex had attempted suicide, but what good what that do? Word spread around about that incident by someone I trusted and told the day I returned to school.

The deadline of the Buffett scholarship was only hours away on that very day. I had yet to even apply for a single scholarship, and I didn’t know where to start. I took a day off from attending classes and hid in the high school counselor’s office all day writing it a scholarship essay. I didn’t know if I would get the scholarship, but I knew that if I wanted to get out of a place where people were spreading rumors around about me, I better do what I could to leave. I applied for the Buffett Scholarship, and the Johnson O’Malley Scholarship on the same day. The principal and the school counselor both confronted me about the actions I had made just a day earlier. I explained how important it was that I wrote this scholarship essay within the short amount of time.

That same month, The Winnebago Basketball Boys went back to state and played in Lincoln. I didn’t attend any of the games. I didn’t want to be on a basketball court ever again. They came home with a second place championship.

I started to question myself if quitting was worth it. Would I have been able to maintain my sports and scholarships at the same time? Would writing my scholarship essays make up for the time I wasn’t on the team? I had so many questions that would later be answered. Two months later I found out that everything I had done was worth it. I came in first place in the Johnson O’Malley Scholarship competition and that I won the Buffett Scholarship.

[inmomni]

No. 14

It was after my youth group’s 2015 winter retreat that i got saved for like, the third time that my best friend and i had an interesting conversation about our sin.  I remember we were on a night hike with a few other of my church friends when i suddenly started to get a strong urge for a cigarette.  I hadn't had one since the start of the winter retreat, which was about two weeks ago then and a long time for me.  It brought up this kind of frustration in me.  Not because the craving was getting worse, but because i had just been saved, again.  See in my mind, if you were with Jesus, you should just want to sin because of this new found love that you have for Jesus now; so in turn, that would make you naturally hate sin, ya know? Sharing the comment with Caleb, it sparked some talk about the fallenness of man and how we innately fall away from God, you know the gist, and we went on for about an hour when pent up with frustration about how i still want sin after all that God had shown me, after knowing what He did for me, after experiencing how much He loves me, 

 I said, “I wish God could just make us love him so much right now that we would never dare to sin again.”  

And from there my difficult journey of becoming a disciple of God started.

God works independently from you.  This is something that He has been teaching and showing me in this current season of my life.  I always had this imagery that depicted how I came to faith, and how I’m being sustained now: me being dragged by a rope tied to my hand by God.  Let me explain.  Looking at my faith, my life, my experiences, etc., I feel like i missed out.  I feel as if because God made me a Christian so early on with such strong convictions that i wasn't able to really have fun in high school.  As in the sex, drugs, alcohol portion of it.  A culture that always sounded so alluring and enticing because it gives you a good status; a “cool” status or reputation, one where no one has to question who you are, just as long as your there to have fun, you're family.  But my ties to the church prevented me from fully immersing in that culture, and i really did genuinely try to be a good christian while struggling with this sense of being cheated by God.  So this lead me to do something else: just drift in and out of the two. Not like split life type of deal, but just over the course of time that has passed up since then and now, I have tried, just once, a good number of drugs, was a pretty fat stoner, and am still currently working on getting rid of nicotine.  I hardly ever read the bible regularly, prayer was on SOS duty, but still during this entire time, I was, and honestly still now,  going to church, singing my songs, and repping the name of Jesus to those who knew I went to church.  

I thought I knew what a christian should look like.  I’ve been to church all my life, so that being said, I think I have a pretty good idea of what an idealized modern day non-Jesus Christian would be like: 

- Prays for at least 30 mins a day, an hour if it didn't cry at all to “push through and seek the Lord”....Or an hour if you did cry cause, you cried and you had a moment with Jesus.   - Reads the word every day without fail, even if you don’t have time for it cause you’re too busy serving, you get it in somehow by listening to an ESV ebook bible or through your 2min New Morning Mercies. - Just exudes Jesus everywhere they go, like to the point where you feel so sinful if you're around them, but somehow they're so humble that it doesn't even cross your mind. - Raises their hands every single worship song at some point in the chorus and definitely the verses cause no one raises their hands for those - Every single conversation they have in passing turns into some life changing prophetic revelation for both parties involved           The list can go on, but because of this mismatched lifestyle of knowing what is good but not living it out, there emerged a very cyclic pattern starting since senior year of high school: 

Summer is so good, its great, restful, had a bunch of fun, ready to get back to work Fall initially is really good, meeting up with friends, keeping up with academics, motivated, I’m doing okay with God, reading here and there, not consistently, but reading at least, not doing bad things and such... then it starts to drop off around late October. I start getting less motivated, missing more classes, sleeping in more, trying to escape reality more.

Winter is super bad, just bummy lazy disgusting, right up until finals week approaches from where I jump up out of bed and turn into a study machine

This carries on past spring and then probably into summer again.  Then it repeats. 

But during these times there have been moments where God affirmed me in my spiritual growth, all in retrospect of course.

I remember a time at Chick-fil-a with Caleb after serving at VBS where one of these moments happened. We had just finished up a day where the theme was the good news.  For some context, we started the day with a staff meeting where the pastor told us about the theme, what kind of message she will be sharing, the weight of this day and the significance it could have on the kids. Everyone was “mmm-ing” in agreement and prayer was loud so you know people were passionate, but i wasn't really in the mood.  I really wasn’t in a good place in my faith, then again when have i ever been, and i just said yes to a pastor that said they were understaffed.  So I brought along Caleb, who was walking with the Lord at the time.  But prayer was only 3 minutes long because the meeting started too late.  So everything started getting pushed back a little bit.  Stations were shorter, and the station leaders were rushing things to pass the group to the next station to the point where by the end, all the crew leaders were a little bit disoriented and tired.  So back to the scene at Chick-fil-a, after ordering food, I asked him, “Hey, what did you think about today?” He responded with a “It was kinda weird”, a prodding question to see what I’m thinking.  I started explaining how they didn't do the gospel justice, how this wasn't something that was deserving of being rushed or just gotten over with, especially if it is for these kids.  At one point, some guy paraphrased the gospel to, “uhh we sinned, Jesus died on the cross for them, and, oh shoot were out of time, can the crew leaders explain the rest on the way to the next station”

I was getting really emotional, and tears started running down my eyes at which point caleb asked me why I was crying.  I didn't understand his question, until i remembered that all the conversations we had and all the things he’s seen me do don't point to an impassioned college student upset because his church’s VBS didn't do the gospel enough justice when presenting it to 5-10 year olds.  That was when I realized God has taught me the weight of his gospel

There were other instances like this:

When i first got to Biola, and I hated it, but God told me through the song i hated the most during high school  (Christ is Enough) that though i may think that i failed because I only got into Biola, Hes bringing me to a place where I can say Christ is all I need, and he placed that desire in my heart

Placing me in Torrey so that I would have a deeper knowledge of the word and how to converse with people, and having that show up at a party half tipsy with a bunch of non-christians who were talking philosophy of a higher being and of a purpose in life

Seeing that through every cycle of highs and lows, regardless of how low that low was, I still came back to a place where God met me

This cycle continued starting senior year of high school, to hopefully not now, getting worse every single year, as in the depressed months started to bleed past their previous marks. Until last year, my junior year, when I failed 3 classes second semester. 

It had lasted til May.  

At that point i perceived myself as for what i thought i had become.  It was my junior year, and I’m a bio major.  I’m trying to become a doctor, but now I’m not even sure of that anymore.   I’m a slob, my sleeping schedule is a mess, I'm not even properly eating and what the heck is up with that, I don’t go to the gym anymore,  I’m not loving on the people that are close to me well at all I feel so selfish and twisted I feel so sinful, Holy i feel so dirty I feel so far from God, am i really a christian? I barely read the bible,  when was the last time i talked to God?  No other than a Sunday. I’ve been a Christian, or a so called christian for how long now?  Almost 8 years now? almost eight years.  Even after all these years I can't get this thing going God, I’m such a failure, I’ve tried so hard.  To be a Christian, to stay in the faith, but it’s too hard.  I don’t get it, and i don't understand it.  If i did, then i wouldn't be like this.  If i was a christian, I wouldn't be doing X, Y, and Z or i would have fixed this part of myself ages ago.  I should have had a consistent routine with God by now, talking with him, I should be the ideal christian by now.  IF I had truly been a christian up til now, holy, I’ve lived 21 years exposed to the gospel, and I don’t know how to do this thing.  I should just give up, I need to leave, 

But where would I go? 

Ecclesiastes puts it so well (I love this book) when it says that EVERYTHING is meaningless.  If you really think about it, there is no point to life. To pass on your genes? To have the most toys at the end of your life? To be a powerful change in society to those who are equally as insignificant and pointless as you are? as if your possible change will bring about anything more than which is your mere humanity, which is what, simplified by science, nothing more than a generation 10000 monkey all within a world that is dying and rotting each day that passes.  

So it’s either God, or death.  

Well, I don’t want to die... Yeah I really don’t want to die, so then how do I do this

HOW can I do this?  I’ve failed so many times I could probably map out and predict up until when I’ll be depressed, what I’ll be doing during that time

God, I don’t know what to do. That’s when it became clear to me.  If you've noticed by now, I’ve used the word “I” so many times up til this point.  God just started highlighting all of the I’s I used, and he started replacing them with His name.  and it all started to click.  Maybe the reason I failed all these times was to bring me to a place where I could say, with my heart inside out, “God help me please, I don't know what to do.”  I tried to do things my own way for 3 almost 4 years now and i failed every single time, maybe its time to look towards God and not myself.   God reminded me of a passage in Numbers 21:6-9 where it talks about God sending fiery serpents to the people of Israel.  These snakes were sent to kill people with their venom because of their sin and rebellion, and the passage says that many died from these snakes.  So the people cried out to Moses, and Moses to God, who instructed Moses to erect a bronze serpent in the middle of camp (on a standard) so that if any man looks on the serpent, that even if they get bit, they will live.  Now, a thing about snakes, they're not that tall, so the area that they'll probably bite you, if you're not laying down in snake infested areas, around your feet, legs, ankles, all areas that you have too look down to see.  So you’re here, dodging snakes on the ground for dear life, when Moses comes around and says to look up at this serpent so that you'll be saved.  I’m guessing that this bronze snake was up on a tall pole or structure so that not just people in the vicinity would see it, but people all over camp, which meant that if you wanted to look at the bronze snake, you'd have to take your eyes completely off the ground.  So you're surrendering your own ability to do the best you can to defend yourself from these serpents risking death, or to look up at a bronze statue of a serpent to live.  And get this, the bible doesn't even say healed, just “will live”, meaning to me that it probably still hurt like hell when they got bit, but they lived, which they wouldn't if they tried to do it on their own.  Our protocol is just to look at Him, nothing else, not to look good in front of him, not to hide your sins, not to say this or that, but to look at God like a child and say “help please”.  

Now

How do you do that.  

🤷🏻‍♂️

I don’t know what I’m doing.  I’m trying to read more.  Pray more, I don’t know what it looks like to do what I said just now, or what that actually looks like.  But regardless of what I know, or what I understand, God is doing things behind the scenes for my good.  That there is no other reason, there can't be any other explanation than the grace that God gives me and sustains me with.  In this most darkest season of my life, I have never understood more clearly what it means to work out your faith with fear and trembling, to know that I am a christian despite all my crap, that despite how hard I may want to leave, not even I can pluck myself out of Gods hand, because of the way He’s been teaching and shaping my heart. Grace prepares the heart for salvation, it is grace that one receives salvation, and it is through grace that salvation is sustained and sanctification is occurring.  I don’t know how I got here and how to get to where I need to be, but I just know that God’s got this.  

So I’m just going to take that and run.

[hazeeeeeeeeeeeeeel]

Happiness

I want to write about happiness in general as a series. For most of my life I could say that I have been pretty damn happy. But lately throughout the past few years I seem to have lost my touch with it. I hope that in writing this series full of my thoughts, anecdotes, and past experiences, I am able to reclaim where I left off mentally and emotionally. This is Chapter 5.

Friendship

I consider friendship to be the most important aspect of happiness and as such this will be the most personal piece I share with you. It’s pretty shit really. If anything I know it’ll make you upset as it continues to make me upset. It’s the key reason to why I have so much hate in my heart and it’s why for the vast majority of the time I absolutely hate being in Torrance and why I absolutely detest hypocrites, especially those who claim to be Christian. It’s why I absolutely hate a certain church by the name of TFPC from the top down. Their pastors, their leaders, their youth group. Every single one of them with the exception of one friend there. It’s the reason why I don’t make rape jokes and replace them with “fucking destroy” or something along the lines of that. It’s why I have no tolerance for people who have raped others, and why I have legitimately been reserved about who I am as a person when meeting new people because I ask myself “what did they hear about me?” On the positive side, it’s why I cherish my friendships more than anything and why I dedicate my life for those who have confided in me like I have in them. This is my most personal story - one that I don’t take lightly in sharing. And I think also, not letting this hatred go has ultimately gotten in the way of me being happy.

There are a few names we ought to be familiar with. For the first group of people, Paulina Nguyen, Sean Kim, and Elizabeth Kim. I met Paulina early in high school and we have been great friends from day 1. She was more on the emotional side and she confided in me as much as I did in her. We were great friends. Sean and Elizabeth used to date. Turns out it was a shitty relationship but I never knew that prior to meeting Sean. Sean and I were good friends from day 1 as well, I guess we just clicked. Elizabeth and I were also good friends who we met through a mutual friend. Sean and Paulina started dating.

The next name is a set by himself, Albert Huh. Albert and I were brothers in my church and we were really connected spiritually and had a bond that you could only experience in a church setting. We didn’t know each other for long, but when you cry together at a church retreat, nothing can take that away. Albert and Elizabeth were friends.

The next names are Tiffany Kim, Rachel Kang, Andrew Chae, Joan Lee, and Ben Lee. Tiffany and I were good friends and her brother was a pastor at my own church I went to. Rachel was a girl I hardcore crushed on my senior year of high school. She was a year older and during the time went to UC Berkeley. We would spend countless nights on Oovoo and check this out, I even chose to video chat with her instead of playing League. Andrew was someone who went to the same church as Tiffany, TFPC. We bonded through a church retreat and not like close as Albert, but still a bond was formed. Joan was similar to Rachel but in a friends setting. I didn’t like her, but we were good friends and it was pretty great. Lastly, Ben was a great friend of mine who also went to TFPC.

One day early in my junior year of high school, Sean and I are hanging out and Elizabeth asks me to hang out and I tell her that I’m hanging out with my friend and that she’s more than welcome to join so she did and bam ex boyfriend and girlfriend reunion. Kinda weird right? So everything seems fine and I found out then and there that Elizabeth and Sean used to date. We just all hung out for a short bit afterwards and then Sean says we should have a group hug goodbye so I wait for Elizabeth’s answer and she said sure so I was like okay. So we did. And then we went our separate ways.

Fast forward to my senior year, I meet Rachel and I become madly infatuated with her. And surprise surprise she ended up liking me back! I was pretty fucking stunned. It was crazy. This girl was a straight up 10. I was probably a 5 on a good day but to her I was a 10 and that’s all that mattered to me. We spent countless hours oovoo-ing and being awesome and when winter season hit we would spend our holiday nights going on walks and just being fucking great. I’m not sure how, but word got around and even my older brother says “yo what’s going on with you and Rachel?” And my cousin (who went to the same school as Rachel) then adds to the family dinner “yeah what’s going on? My friends are talking about it too” which is fucking crazy because mind you, at THAT time, I’m a senior in high school, my oldest brother was in Irvine, my cousin was at UCLA, so why the fuck are they concerned about what Rachel and I have going on? And I tell them “I don’t get why you would be concerned about it” (DAMNNNNN FUCKING TOLD THEM). I guess, when I knew Rachel was a 10, everyone else did so too. Point being, she was a fucking big deal right.

I go to a winter retreat with Tiffany and Ben’s church, TFPC. It was pretty great. Met Andrew there too. Point of this part of the story is meeting Andrew. I’ve known Tiffany and Ben for years and we’ve had great friendships, especially Ben. To THIS day I still keep in touch with Ben. Alright so I come back, and winter is over, back in school for spring. I’m just living my senior year in high school, enjoying life, talking to Rachel, and literally just waiting for graduation to end. And BAM! Graduation.

I didn’t go to prom. My senior year prom date who said yes to me eventually got asked by someone else and she was having doubts and so I was just like fuck it just go with Spencer if you’re going to feel this way why bother (plus it was like 450 bucks for the whole experience with tickets, dinners, and pictures, I was a poor family). We all hung out at my friend’s house after prom and Rachel texts me asking me how was prom. I told her I didn’t go (and mind you this is at 5:00AM) and she was like yo wtf happened so I told her and I also told her I honestly would’ve loved to ask you out to Prom instead but whatever shit happens you were in Berkeley and I didn’t know how to ask you online or through text and I felt like you would have been busy when you got back to Torrance (Berkeley semester schedule so she was in town during prom anyways so woops, I guess I should've texted her anyways). So she asked me if I wanted to get breakfast to which I played it cool and said sure but in my mind I was screaming like fucking goddamn yes I do want to eat breakfast with you. And this is important. The breakfast. To this day I wish I never fucking went. Not because of Rachel, Rachel was stunning as usual. Even on her bad days she was a 10. A real goddess. Rachel Fucking Kang. Fire. Stunning. Grab a dictionary and every positive adjective you got it. When we were walking out of the restaurant, I run into two familiar faces, Albert and Elizabeth. We say hi like old friends (mind you the last time I saw Albert was at my own church retreat and the last time I saw Elizabeth was my junior year while hanging out with Sean). Not wanting to keep Rachel waiting we make it quick and I get ready to drop Rachel off and so I did (even though Rachel asked me to breakfast of course I went to go pick her up, it’s just what you gotta do). I get back to my friend’s and my whole group of friend’s just crash and sleep because we’re tired as fuck. Unbeknownst to me, that morning was the start to the worst fucking time of my life.

A few weeks later, it’s graduation. Everything was good, my church group and I hung out after my graduation with the rest of the graduating class and after dinner we go to get some boba. And I get a phone call, random number, so I pick up. It’s Albert. He asked me, “Yo! Where are you at right now there’s something I need to fucking ask you and I’m like okay sure I’m at Bobaloca” and so he comes quickly, with a large group of friends. Being the guest of honor as the graduating class, my church group (various age range including younger middle schoolers) stick around and Chris, an older member asks me if everything will be okay because it looks sketch that a big group comes to find me, but it was Albert. And Albert was with our church, and he was with Chris spiritually too so Chris asked me and Albert if everything will be okay and so Albert and I both say yes and Chris knowing that something is going to go down decides to trust us takes his cue and takes everyone home. Then Albert opens, “Yo Ariel. You know you’re a brother to me. That time at retreat. Nothing can ever take away our bond. But when I heard what happened. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t fucking believe it.” I reply, “What did you hear?” He says, “my friend said you raped her” and I was so fucking speechless like What. The. Fuck. Did. I. Just. Fucking. Hear. type of speechless. And I tell him, “No. I didn’t.” He then says “she’s here today right there waiting in that car and she wants to meet you and she wants you to go on your knees and beg for forgiveness.” I’m sorta taken aback. Albert then says, “don’t worry. See that guy over there? He’s a brother to me. We’re here because we just want you to apologize but we’re going to make sure you don’t get hurt even though you probably deserve it so just fucking do it okay?” And there was anger and agony in his voice, but at the same time, there was compassion and love. I could tell he was just as devastated as I was. Sure enough Elizabeth walks out of the car in tears and crying.

So I get on my knees, I have an idea of what happened, and I tell her, “Elizabeth, I am so sorry for what happened to you but you HAVE to know I had no idea what was happening at the time and to me it was just a hug. You know me. You know I would never do that to you. And you know Sean, you know what he did to you in the past and that he would have done that there” Looking for words, in utter complete silence, even amongst Albert and his friends they thought an apology for forgiveness was coming out but it wasn’t. Why would I ask for forgiveness for a crime I didn’t do? And Elizabeth at a loss for words, was so emotional and she just started to walk away back to the car. Albert pulls me aside and says, “Hey, let’s go to my car and talk” So we do. Mano a mano. He says, “Did you really not fucking do it.” And I said to him with the utmost sincerity, “Albert. You have to know who that other guy was. He was Elizabeth’s ex boyfriend who abused her” and I told him their past. I then also said, “Look, you coming here and asking for my side first only confirms that you know the type of person I am and that I would never have done or take part if I was aware of what was going on.” He then breathed a heavy sigh. He says, “You’re right. I’m going to talk to her.” He comes back ten minutes later and says “Okay, just leave. Don’t make eye contact with anyone just take your car and go home.” So I do. Then as I’m walking out this crazy bitch (BY THE WAY, I RARELY CALL WOMEN THAT WORD. THERE ARE TIMES I SAY SOMETHING IS BITCHY, BUT ALMOST NEVER A BITCH) named Angela Jung comes out and says “OH IT’S THIS ‘ARIEL’?!?!?!? WHAT THE FUCK.” Because Angela and I knew each other personally. She screams “GET BACK ON YOUR FUCKING KNEES AND APOLOGIZE FOR RAPING ELIZABETH.” I look towards Albert, and I say “Alber-” but before I finished she gave me the biggest bitchslap in the history of bitchslaps. I begin to notice the crowd around me. Andrew Chae was there with some of his friends and I realize that no way he could have known the talk Albert and I had. So what does it look like to him right? Angela slaps me one more time. And she goes for a third and Elizabeth comes out of the car and screams, “STOP!!!! IT WASN’T HIM. HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. IT WAS SEAN NOT ARIEL” And after a bit Elizabeth tells me, “don’t talk to me ever again I’m sorry but just go home.” So I left.

On my way home, Albert calls me. I pick up because at this point any talk with Albert is life or death. And Albert asks me for Sean’s number. I give it to him because you can imagine how fucking pissed I am that Sean molested Elizabeth during the group hug without me knowing only for me to take the fall in place of him because he knew they’d come for my neck first. Luckily Albert was the guy who did not anyone else. Later that night, Paulina texts me calling me a sellout and very harsh words but of course I could never relieve her because of course she’s going to trust her boyfriend over me seriously fuck Sean.

During the next few weeks in summer vacation, I notice that some things begin to change. Rachel stops talking to me at all, Tiffany ignores me from that moment on, Joan as well, and everyone just gives me the cold fucking shoulder. It is at this moment where I begin to talk about friendship. Fake friends, real friends, friends in general. Friends in specific. Just friendship. Then out of nowhere my friend Elle messages me asking me about how there’s a lot of talk at her church (She also went to TFPC) and about how I raped someone. And my heart sank. I’m just like oh fuck no because no shit Andrew ran his gossip as pussybitch fucking cunt mouth everywhere about something he had no fucking part in only seeing part of what happened (of course the bad part). I connect the dots and the dots were confirmed when another friend of mine told me about what Andrew was telling everyone he knew. It was pretty surreal in the worst ways possible. Especially damning because Andrew was on the praise team for his church - literally a leader of the church and of all people to spew bullshit? C’mon dude. Just fuck. If anything, especially with the relationship Andrew and I had, he ought to have been the first person to at least talk to me or even ask me what the hell was going on. But no. He chose to take the lowest way out, to go out of his way just to spice his own personal life. The worst part is that his friends and fellow “Christians” gravitated towards his stories as if they were a campfire in Moscow during the winter. Really fucking incredible. So I hated the church. And, I even began to despise the pastors as well. I do however hold a tremendous amount of respect for them so I didn’t take names on their part. But Andrew? Seriously fuck him. When I see Paul Ryan smirk on national TV when he robs from the poor and does it in the name of goodness, I see fucking Andrew with his truly ugly laugh. Not ugly in the sense of outer appearance, I don’t really think anyone is ugly in that regard, but ugly in the sense of blackness in his heart. It’s the fucking worst. To wear a veil of holy spirituality and then live the life of sin. Me? I know I’m not on a high horse at all, but at least come down to the swamp with me if you’re going to level me up behind my back with your pussybreath. As for the others?

I asked Rachel “do you honestly believe what happened?” No reply. I never talked to Rachel ever again. I asked Tiffany the same thing. She replied, at least she gave me the respect to reply and she says “Yeah I can believe it there were witnesses and Andrew said everything.” I told her “if you honestly feel the way you do, don't fucking talk to me ever again.” It’s been five years, we never talked since. I asked Joan, she never replied. I never talked to her again either. I then asked Ben, “do you honestly believe what happened?” And he said, “I was waiting for you to ask me so I wanted to ask did you do it?” I said “No.” He then said, “Then that’s all I need to know. You didn’t do it.” What a real fucking friend right there. Goddamn did that shit move me.

But what about my own personal group of friends? From high school that I graduated with that night my nightmare started? Gossip spreads like wildfire especially in the facebook era and I know for a fact that some of my closest friends had connections to the friends who spread the news that there was gossip about me going everywhere about how I raped someone and it was total bullshit. Yet, the most amazing part? No one even asked about it. And no one seemed to care about it. No one seemed to be bothered. Nothing changed in our friendships. I never spoke to them about it ever because similar to Ben, they had trust in me. They confided in me as much as I confided in them and that was all they needed. To have faith in me.

For this reason I love my friends more than anything. Not just because of this sole single event and how they responded, or rather not responded which in itself was a response, but the entire idea that they trusted me so much to have never let it become an issue. So think about this… In the darkest time of my life when I was losing friends left and right, front and back, top and down, these guys were the light in my life I needed. And that speaks volumes in the role my friendships play in determining my happiness. Just like how other people have the capability to bring me down, people too have the same capacity to bring me up. That was all I ever needed to move forward. I guess you can say that in bringing up my last blog post, the faith and loyalty that these good people had in people answers where I am on “goodness” right? To this day Ben’s response when I messaged him means so much to me. He grew up in that church where the rumours started. Ben was literally surrounded by people who hated me so much. Who thought I was despicable, a liar, and a rapist. But Ben always believed in me. That type of loyalty is powerful. My dad always taught me from a young age that the most you can ever ask for from anyone is loyalty. From a woman, loyalty counts as friends and as significant other. For men, loyalty comes from true friendship (to which I guess being gay counts too now). Looking back at this event I fucking hated how it all worked itself out. And I directed all my hatred especially towards Sean because he was at the root of all this. So I guess in conclusion to this highly sensitive topic… choose your friends well. There are those that I didn’t. The ones who stabbed me in the back. The Rachel Kang’s, Tiffany Kim’s, Joan Lee’s. I DO WANT TO CLARIFY that I don’t feel spite against Rachel, Tiffany, and Joan. From the notion that on their point of view, they truly had evidence that was in Andrew’s perspective verified because Andrew’s side of the story was true only to his eyes. It’s like if I saw someone kill someone else, I see only the murder. What I won’t see, is the self defense prior to it so I see murder and that’s completely fair. So to Rachel, Tiffany, and Joan? That’s fine. I still don’t believe they’re the type of friends to surround yourself with, but I understand their part and just frankly need to know what is done is done. Andrew Chae’s? A different story, still with the leniency that what he saw was considered his version of truth, but that as a representative in the Church and thus therefore for the religion, he had a moral responsibility to ensure goodness not bad. But Sean Kim? I can’t say words to describe how I feel about him but that the best thing is not revenge, but just to move away. Those type of people will only bring you down and the sooner you do away with them the better. They don’t deserve you. In reflection writing this, I’m just so amazed by how wonderful my group of friends are, to stick with me through something catastrophic as that, but not even to just stick through, but to have never let a rumor as powerful as that one bother them to begin with is incredible. See, you can go through a lot of shit, but when you have as friends as amazing as the ones I do, isn’t that where true happiness is found? In the goodness of truly great people who want to share that happiness with you? Thank you for reading.