#sending the first letter/package tomorrow!!

[spiderwcd]

Stalked | s.g. 

pairing: Sam Golbach x influencer ! f ! reader 

summary: They knew something was off, but they never imagined it to be this bad.

Warning(s): angst! stalkers, breaking in, fear, profanity, mentions of a weapon

A/N: honestly first time writing angst, so forgive me if it's really bad, ALSO, please read the last note, I need your guys opinion on something.

images from pinterest ! 

Sam loved y/n, so much so that Sam let her finally move in. Well rather, they made it official. She had practically lived with Sam for a year now, always sleeping over and leaving all her things around his house. 

It was great, she loved waking up to Sam every morning and making him breakfast. She adored how he'd show up for some of her streams and talk to her fans. Sam was the love of her life, there's no doubt behind that. 

But recently something was off. 

It started off with a few overly creepy dm's, saying perverted things to her. She would block them but they seemed to never go away, assuming as they made multiple accounts to send the horrid messages. 

But then she felt like she was being watched, going out in public became sketchy for her. She noticed a hooded man in the coffee shop she frequented or around the corner in the supermarket. 

Then, it was getting really out of hand. She would receive random packages from fans all the time, opening them on her live stream and laughing at gag gifts. But it was odd to receive gifts on her front porch, when she regularly received gifts via a P.O. Box. She had opened one, regretting it to this day. 

In the box were various pictures of her around town, heart shapes surrounding her face. On top was a letter, long story short, she realized it was a stalker. 

Sam and y/n tried to figure out a way to put a restraining order, but couldn't due to the fact that they didn't know this said man's identity. 

Unfortunately, enough was enough. All she could do was go on another live stream tonight, explaining reasons why she wouldn't be streaming anymore. She propped up the camera, Sam in the back for moral support. 

"Are you ready?" She weakly smiled. 

Sam nodded, reaching for her hand as she sat back down as many fans joined in. 

She tried to put on her bubbly personality, attempting to welcome many of the fans. 

"Hey guys," she waved to the camera. "How are you guys?" She asked, placing her other hand on her chin as she looked at the various comments. 

Her fans knew her all too well, quickly recognizing that something was wrong. 

'oh no, y/n you okay? you look sad :(' 

'woah, mom and dad look so serious!? Are we in trouble?!' 

Y/n smiled at the concern, "yeah, guys you have all been bad," she sternly pointed to the camera. "Right sam? We gotta take away their Xboxes." She turned over to Sam, causing him to chuckle. 

"Yeah guys, who shit in the kitty litter? The cat's shit is not that big!" He joked trying to lighten up the mood. 

Y/n smiled, squeezing Sam's hand a little stronger as she looked back at the camera.

"Alright guys, Imma wait a little longer for more people to get in just so they don't miss anything." She announced, continuing to read the comments. 

'mother is mothering' 

'y/n, ask sam when the next video is coming out?!' 

'y/n is so pretty guys :)' 

She turned to Sam, "they're asking about your next video, babe." She pointed out. "I don't know, I've been put under a contract not to discuss any future videos guys." She put her hands up in defeat. 

Sam grinned at her before looking up at the camera, "Well, Colby will kill me for saying anything, but we're working on something to record tomorrow actually." He raised his brows, pursing his lips a bit. 

"You heard it here folks, Sam is not retiring." She joked. 

As they were goofing off and joking around, the viewer count went up to nearly 50k. She was impressed by the amount, amazed by her followers. 

"Wow guys, there's 50 thousand of you here!" She cheered, raising her hands up into the air. "So now that we have a lot of your attention, don't get too distracted by this beautiful face." She pointed towards Sam. 

Sam dramatically covered his face, pretending to be flustered. "Oh, stop it guys!" He responded with a high pitched voice. 

Y/n playfully smacked his thigh as she giggled, "Well, so this is sorta sad news guys," she began, trying not to look at the comments. "But this will be my last stream for a little bit, just there's been stuff that came up and it's no longer safe for me to stream. I would go more in depth but again, for our safety I can't really say why." 

She held back tears as she glanced over to her comments, fans practically panicking. 

'what?! noooo :(' 

'omg what happened?!' 

'nauuur! I look forward to your streams :,('

Y/n gulped, holding back tears as she read the comments. "Yeah guys, it's only temporary," she sighed, Sam holding her hand as he laced his fingers with hers. "But it's just to ensure safety for me and my loved ones, it's only until this problem goes away guys. I just gotta say, I love you guys, you guys give me purpose and I'm so thankful for that, so I hope you guys understand."

She weakly smiled, reading the many comments of support and touched by their kindness. 

"Well with that guys, I'm just gonna end it here," she sighed, leaning towards her computer. "See you guys, hopefully soon." She blew a kiss into the camera before cutting the stream off. 

She let out a sigh as she sat back down in her chair, a creak emitting from it. Y/n looked over to Sam, who offered her a smile as he rubbed his free hand on top of hers. 

"You okay?" he asked her, furrowing his brows as worry coated his voice. 

She nodded weakly, "I will be," she replied. "I just hate to stop streaming, I really want this stupid stalker to like chill the fuck out." She groaned as she rubbed her face. 

"I'm sure it won't be long," Sam tried to comfort her. "I mean he hasn't been around for a while." Sam shrugged. 

Y/n couldn't help but stare off into the ceiling, taking Sam's words sink in, "That's true," she mumbled. "I've had stalkers before, but they were never this bad." She emphasized. 

Sam understood her frustration, he knew streaming was everything to her. She worked hard to please her fans, streaming every other night practically. He loved that about her, how caring she was and worked for her fans even when days weren't as good to her. 

"Well let's get some sleep, okay?" Sam patted her thigh, standing up from his seat. 

Y/n groaned, throwing her head back, "This feels so weird," She grumbled, mimicking Sam's movements and walking towards their bedroom. "Are you still going to that haunted hospital or whatever?" She asked him, removing her sweatpants and sweatshirt. 

"Yeah, but I can always stay here with you if you want," Sam answered, watching her movements. "I can always reschedule it." He offered. 

Y/n threw on one of Sam's t-shirts, jumping into bed next to him, "No, no, I'll be okay," She declined, stabilizing her head onto her hand. "I don't want you to disappoint your fans, plus the cameras you installed really give me a lot more comfort." She smiled, her heart warmed by his gesture. 

"Are you sure? I-I just don't know how I feel about leaving you here all alone." Sam sighed, pulling her close to his chest. 

"Yes, I'm sure sam." She laughed a bit, laying her head onto his chest. She listened to his heart beat against her ear, she breathed in deeply before looking up at sam. "I love you, you know that?" She whispered to him. 

Sam smiled down at her, placing his finger under her chin as he pulled her into a kiss. "I love you more." He whispered back, pecking her on her forehead. 

The next day, she watched as Sam packed various equipment into his bags. But he wouldn't stop pestering her about his offer, her refusing it every time. 

"Okay, baby I will call you when I land, i'll check the cameras often, oh, and update me every like hour," Sam commanded, his suitcase in hand as his backpack strapped to his back. "I don't care if you think it's annoying, I just need to make sure you're okay." 

Y/n laughed at his demands, kissing him on the cheek, "I promise, but youre gonna have to worry about Colby in about two seconds cause it looks like he's gonna drag you away." She joked, pointing at Colby in the car. 

Sam sighed, "He’ll be fine," He rolled his eyes playfully. "Okay, I love you like a million, please be careful, okay? Lock all the doors and keep the windows locked, I'll call Celina or someone to come and keep you company." He suggested, landing a quick peck on her lips. 

"Alright, love you too," She chuckled, embracing him into a long hug. "Okay, okay, now you have a safe trip okay? And make sure Colby brings you back in one piece." She joked. 

She watched as Sam ran towards the car, looking back every few steps as he blew her kisses. She noticed Colby rolling his eyes, impatient as is. 

Y/n sighed as she locked the door, making her way to the living room. She dropped down onto the couch as she exhaled a breath. She looked down on her phone, deciding to check up on her socials. 

She was surprised by the sheer amount of support she received, fans encouraging her. She smiled at the many comments, her smile soon fading away as she looked at the random drama article of hers. 

Streamer Y/N L/N, goes on break cause of STALKER?! 

She rolled her eyes, of course they're trying to profit on her vulnerability. She threw her phone down onto the pillows, standing up onto her feet as she made her way towards the kitchen. She figured she could distract herself and make something to eat. Usually when she was bored she would stream, but for obvious reasons she couldn't cure her boredom at that moment. 

After she had made some dinner, she turned on one of her favorite shows. She decided a few episodes wouldn't hurt to catch up on, resting her head onto a few pillows as stared at the screen. 

A season and a half in, she heard her phone ding. She picked it up, letting the phone turn on and the message displayed on her screen. 

sam: 

just landed! How are things over there?

Y/n started typing out her answer, trying not to make it sound depressing as it felt. 

y/n:

great, i'm just watching some of my shows right now :)

It didn't take long for the phone to ding again, Sam's response delivered onto her phone screen yet again. 

sam:

sounds good

Do you want some company? I could send Jake or even Celina over

y/n:

I think i'll be okay for now

I prolly will be up for a while anyway so i'll let you know

sam:

okay, be safe babe 

I love you 300 million tons baby!!!

Y/n smiled at the text, seeming to miss her boyfriend even more now. 

y/n:

well I love you 300.01 million tons!

She shut off her phone, tossing it back to where it last was. She blankly stared into the TV screen as she tried to focus on the show. Her eyes began to grow heavy, slowly beginning to grow more tired. 

It didn't take long before she found herself sleeping on the couch, the random show adding as a background noise.

She awoke from her sleep, hearing her phone buzzing next to her. She fluttered her eyes, looking outside at the now dark night that had overtaken the evening sun as she slept. 

She groaned as she picked up her phone, Sam's name displaying on her screen with his photo on it. She mentally cursed herself for falling asleep, forgetting to update Sam. Y/n slid the answer button, bringing the phone up to her ear. 

"Hey, sorry I fell asl-." But before she could answer, Sam cut her off with panic in his voice. 

"Babe, Babe?! Are you okay?" Sam frantically asked. "Where are you right now?" He added, panic rising in his voice. 

Y/n furrowed her brows, confused on why he had begun panicking over not updating him on her whereabouts. 

"I'm just home, in the living room right now." She sighed, rubbing her eyes out of her tired state. 

"Okay, okay, please tell me you locked all the doors and windows," Sam sternly replied. 

Y/n stood up, noticing the TV had still been blaring. "Yeah, I locked the front door when you left and the backdoor had been locked, what's going on sam, you're really freaking me out." She grumbled. 

"Y/n, please listen to me very carefully," Sam began, shaking in his voice. She heard him talk to another person in the back, something about a ride to the airport. "Go to our bathroom, and lock the door, please baby." He panted, hearing a car door shut in the background as he began to run. 

Y/n just was more confused, but complied with his instructions. She began walking towards their bedroom, but froze when she heard a sound from downstairs. The sound of glass shattering echoed from the home. 

She sprinted towards the bedroom, locking the door and entering the bathroom connected to it. She swiftly locked the bathroom door, backing away as she tried to cover her heavy breathing. 

She forgot she was on a call with Sam, faintly hearing his loud shouts for her. She brought the phone back to her ear, barely stabilized in her shaking hand. 

"Y/n!? y/n!? What happened?! Y/n, please answer me!" Sam shouted, calling out for her. "Was that glass breaking?!" He called out. 

"Y-Yeah, I just heard someone fucking break a window or something downstairs," Y/n whispered into the phone. "Sam, I-I'm scared." Her voice cracked as tears began to spill onto her cheeks. 

Sam cursed a bit in the background, "Fuck, it’s gonna be okay baby, I promise." His voice shook, distressed as he felt hopeless in this situation. "Colby called the police so they should be over there any moment, just stay there and don't make a sound, okay?" He informed her. 

Before y/n could respond, she heard faint heavy footsteps make their way up towards the stairs. It seemed as if he had stopped at the end of the staircase, in front of the living room.

"Sam, I-I think he's upstairs," Y/n sobbed softly. "I’m so fucking scared, Sam." She whimpered out.

Sam cursed yet again on the other side, clearly frustrated and worried. "It's gonna be okay, Colby's still on the line with the cops, they said 5 more minutes, okay? Just don't say anything, it's g-gonna be okay." She heard Sam's frustrated sniffs as his voice cracked. 

Slowly, the footsteps became louder. They thudded with each step, slowly making their way towards the locked bedroom. Y/n felt hot tears stream down her hot cheeks, her heart pumping as if she ran a marathon. 

But then the footsteps stopped at the door to the bedroom. She listened carefully, her ears perking up to every sound. 5 minutes will feel like eternity. She listened as the door handle started jiggling to their bedroom, with a frustrated man's voice as he kicked the door once, then twice and with a loud crack as it swung and hit the wall.

She let out a scared squeal, Sam still shouting for her on the other side. She didn't dare to move, still intently listening as the man rustled around the room, trying to find something or someone. 

She could practically feel her heart beating out of her chest, feeling nothing but pure fear as the man began stepping closer to the bathroom door. 

Y/n found it odd when the man knocked. She didn't answer, letting yet another tear slip out of her eye. But she found it even more odd that he slipped a piece of paper under the door, seemingly blank. 

Y/n prayed that the police would arrive any moment, rescue her from this nightmare. But mostly wanting Sam to be there for her, to protect her. 

She shut her eyes, bringing the phone to her ear again. Sam kept calling out for her, freaking out. "Sam, If something happens, I-I love y-you okay?" She sniffed softly as she whispered softly into the phone. 

"Y/n, don't say that! You're gonna make it just a little long-" as Sam was about to finish his sentence, the door cracked just like the one in the bedroom. 

She jumped, tears spilling as she let out a sob. Just as quickly as he opened the bedroom door, the door ricocheted against the wall. She felt herself shake like a leaf as her back pressed up against the bathtub, watching intently as everything moved very slowly. 

The background noise of Sam's voice and everything else drowned as she heard her heart beating, eyes glued to the broken door. The man slowly stepped closer inside the bathroom, turning his head very menacingly.

The masked man creeped into the bathroom, the glimmer of a blade in his hand. She let out a sob as she turned her head away, shutting her eyes shut as she prayed it was a nightmare she woke awake from.

She could practically feel his breath on her face, now kneeling in front of her. His hand at first moved to her face, tracing his fingers on her wet skin but then moving his attention to the phone clutched in her hand. He scoffed as he snatched the phone out of her hand, bringing it to his ear. 

"Y/n? Y/n?! answer me, please." Sam begged on the other line. 

"She's unavailable at the moment." The man's deep voice rang out in the bathroom. 

"Dont you dare fucking touch her," Sam spat through the phone, gripping onto his phone with anger. "I swear to God, I will fucking kill you." He growled. 

The man chuckled a bit, amused by his threats, "Well, I don't see you anywhere." He laughed. 

Before Sam could give an answer, the man hung up the phone and set it down onto the counter. He turned back ever so slowly to her, staring down at the floor to avoid eye contact with her stalker. 

He kneeled back down, looking at her as she cried. 

"You're much prettier than I expected," He laughed, running his finger on a strand of her hair. "Don't be scared, only brought this if your little boyfriend would get in the way." He smirked under his mask, tilting the knife. 

As y/n froze up, tensing under his touch, she heard the loud sirens pulling closer to her house. The red and blue lights filling up the room, causing the man to jolt up and look at her one last time. 

"This isn't over." He mumbled, running out of the bathroom. 

With him gone, she let out a sob as it rang throughout her body. She covered her face, trying to calm down and reassure herself it was all over. 

Y/n heard the shouts of a police officer, warning the man to get down. She heard frantic footsteps run down the hall, afraid it was the man again. 

But instead it was a female officer, her gun drawn out and a flashlight shining onto y/n's face. She lowered her weapon, turning to her shoulder as she spoke through the walkie. 

"Are you y/n?" She kneeled down to her level. 

Y/n nodded, "Y-Yes." she let out.

The officer reached for her hand, helping her up. Y/n's legs shook as she stumbled forward slightly, apologizing as she straightened herself up. 

"It's okay, you have no need to apologize." She reassured, beginning to walk her out of the bathroom. 

"T-That paper, he slid it under the door when I was locked in h-here." She pointed with trembling hands. 

The officer nodded, kneeling as she lifted the paper. Y/n couldn't help but peek at the paper, curiosity eating at her. 

From what it looked like, it was a love note as he declared his love for her. The officer's face retorted into a one with disgust, hiding it quickly from y/n. 

"This will be put into evidence, my other officer will take you down to question you," She informed y/n, letting one of the other officers grab her arm and lead her down the hall. 

Y/n's eyes wandered to the broken bits of wood that was flown across the room, their bedroom in complete disarray. She noticed that the same knife he had carried was now lodged into the broken door that hung loosely on the hinges, on the door was a picture of her and sam. Sam's face was scribbled on, with a few profanities scratched around. 

Y/n felt sick to her stomach, unable to hold back tears as she trembled down the hall. The street was filled with cop cars, neighbors coming out to investigate the commotion. She spaced out, deep into thought as the police officer's informed her about the break in. 

Y/n simply nodded, still in shock. Then she noticed a figure run up to her, Sam. She felt tears spilling out again and a wave of relief washed over her as she watched him sprint towards her, hugging her as he panted and sobbed into her hair. 

"Thank fucking god," Sam cried, rubbing her hair as she trembled in his arms. "I'm so sorry, this is all my fault. I should've never left you alone." He cried, stroking her hair as he comforted her. 

She peaked over his shoulder, the flashes of blue and red covered the streets. She watched as the officers handcuffed the now revealed man as his mask had been removed, pushing him into the back of the cop car. Y/n quickly looked away, determined not to be afraid of him any longer. As long as she had Sam, she was safe. 

She didn't say anything, soaking his sweatshirt with her tears. He didn't let go of her, talking to the police as they interrogated him to find the story.

"Hey, can we do this another time?" Sam snapped, holding y/n as she rested her head onto his chest. "I would love to answer your questions, but she's been through a lot and I need her to rest." He sighed, stroking her hair softly. 

The officer understood, handing him a card. They thanked them for their time, getting into the car as they sped away. Y/n sniffled, gripped onto Sam's arms tightly, as if he would leave again. 

"You guys can stay at my place for the meantime," Colby offered. "I know your house is sort of a crime scene right now, and your doors are completely wrecked. I have the space." He added. 

Sam nodded, thanking his best friend. Y/n hasn't said anything to Sam, still traumatized from her experience. She sat silent in the car, holding onto Sam's hand tightly as they drove. Sam couldn’t help but glance at her, guilt building up inside him. 

When they had finally reached Colby's house, Sam followed y/n around. He was so afraid to leave her side again, y/n was comforted by his presence but she knew he had blamed himself for it. 

Y/n laid on the bed, glancing at her phone as she looked at the many articles about her. She frowned at the media article, turning off her phone when she noticed Sam enter the room. Sam jumped into the bed, letting out a deep breath as he stared up for a moment. 

"It's not your fault sam," Y/n began, causing Sam to avert his gaze to her. "If anything, I'm glad you weren't there, you didn't see what I saw." She added, looking over to him. 

"Y/n-" Sam started, but was ultimately cut off by y/n.

"No Sam, don't blame yourself, I told you to go," her voice cracked, fighting back tears that threatened to spill. "He would've hurt you, o-or killed you." She let out a sob. 

Sam didn't say anything, pulling her into his chest as she let out tears. He whispered to her that everything's gonna be okay, kissing her head as he petted her hair.

"T-There wasn't much you could do, Sam," She whispered, sniffing. "He came there to hurt you, you did the right thing to call the cops." She commented, looking up at her boyfriend. 

Sam half smiled down at her, "I know, just I wish I was there to protect you, I'm sorry." He mumbled, sniffing back tears. 

She smiled, placing her palm onto his face. "It's okay Sam, I'm okay," She reassured. "I have you around me to protect me now." She shushed softly. 

Sam nodded, reaching for her hand off his face. "It's all over," He sighed. "That's all that matters, you're safe." 

Sam wrapped his arms around her, her head pressed against his chest as she listened to his heart beat gently against her ear. It didn't take long for her to finally rest, his scent and gentle heartbeat to soothe her to sleep. 

"I'm never leaving you ever again." Sam whispered to her, kissing her head. 

˖⁺‧₊˚ ♡ ˚₊‧⁺˖

hey guys, thanks for reading!

so now for my question, I want to know if you guys would like smut from me. I have a few works saved, but I'm so nervous that you guys wouldn't like it so please please PLEASE let me know if its something you'd like :)

thanks for your attention!

[axelsagewrites]

Aemond Targaryen*Poloraids

Pairing: modern! Aemond x f! Reader

Word count: 2373

Part Two at bottom

Warnings: nudes, talks of sex, phone sex, sex toys, nipple play, dom Aemond, slight bratting, teasing, smut 18+

A/n: wrote this on my notes app and posting on mobile cause I can't sleep so pls forgive formating errors till I can check on my laptop tomorrow but for now enjoy desperate Aemond phone sex

Masterlist here

You had only been apart from Aemond for a mere three weeks but in that time you missed him more than you could have imagined. He was off to his dream college while you packed up to go to your own dream school. Aemond would never even think of asking you to follow him or potentially ruin your dream and had insisted you would survive the distance.

He was only a four hour drive away but being in your freshman year you barely had time to sleep let alot drive four hours one way to see your boyfriend. Maybe after the first semester it would be easier but for now you had to be content with late night phone calls and the letters he sent.

Yes Aemond had insisted on writing letters. You both wrote a letter to each other the last night you spent together before he left for college and mailed it out to the others dorm. You usually got two, sometimes three letters a week and of course you always returned his mail.

While you kept each other up to date on life and school over the phone the letters were a more personal touch, romantic even. Aemond did his best to write you poety even if English was not his strong suit. You just new he was blushing as you read his poems all those miles away. He'd sometimes send small packages with the letters. This ranged from books he thought you'd like to a sweatshirt from his college that he had worn for a week and covered in his cologne.

You almaot made sure to put just as much love into your mail. Your letters rambled on for pages about what you missed about him and the life you would build after university. He'd gifted you a Polaroid camera and a stack of film before you had left and you made sure to include pictures of you in your dorm, your campus, and the sights around you. Aemond had sent you a snap of his desk set up with your poloraids pinned around his reminder board, a picture of you unpacking your dorm with a cheesy grin right beside where his laptop would sit.

However while you knew you would miss him you hadn't even thought about how much you'd miss his touch. And not just his hugs which always warmed your heart but for gods sake you had never been so horny. Your roommates boyfriend was only a building away and you were jealous every time she came back with hickeys covering her neck and mascara smudged under her eyes.

"Don't worry you'll see your precious Aemond eventually," Sara joked after you had admitted to you jealous states, "then he can fuck your brains out so you're not so tense,"

"I'm not tense," but you were. So fucking tense.

It was one night when you caught Sara taking suggestive pics out the corner of your eye did you get the idea. Your eyes fell to the poloraid camera on your desk. So far you had never sent Aemond any kind of explicit pictures like that. Sure you did your best to look good when you snapped him but he'd never asked for a nude and you had never thought of sending them. But maybe if you started it, like the mail, he would return the favour.

When Aemonds latest letter came in the mail Sara happened to be out the dorm and staying the night at her boyfriend jaces frat house. After reading the letter your eyes fell to the camera. You racked your mind for a few moments, wondering if the reason why Aemond had never asked was because he never wanted them. But what guy would turn that down, you wondered. Plus it wasn't like you and Aemond hadn't done stuff in the past. He was always sneaking into your house to get his hands all over you.

Fuck it, you thought. You quickly rummaged through your drawers, finding the few nice lingerie pieces you had brought with you before you settled into wearing Aemonds boxers and a sports bra religiously.

You quickly slid into the black lacey bra and thong set you had convinced yourself you would wear to a party for a confidence boost and never had. It had been one of Aemonds favourites before you left for college. You did your best to straighten the sheets and hide your clutter as you set up for the first photo.

You took a few moments trying to get into the perfect pose before snapping a picture of your chest, sticking your tits out to make them pop. And boy did they look good. When you saw them printed on the film you couldn't help the ego boost when you saw yourself dolled up. You moved the camera lower, taking a picture of your hips and thighs, twisting your body into the poses you'd seen on dirty magazines.

You took a couple more in that set, trying the recreate some tiktok recommended poses you'd seen, when you suddenly really started to feel yourself. You changed quickly into another set, a dark red body you had bought for the first time Aemond would visit you. You were sure he wouldn't mind you wearing it without him when he saw the results. This time you made sure to capture your ass perfectly, loving how it looked in the angles you tried.

Then came your last idea. Your eyes fell to the sweatshirt he had sent you. You quickly stripped off the lingerie and tugged on a more simple thong that still looked amazing on. You slipped into the hoodie, letting yourself emerse yourself in his smell. This time your pictures were you sat at your desk, set up as if you were studying but you lifted the camera to a high angle so he could see your bare thighs. Next you lifted the shirt, giving him a show of your underboob and waist. Then finally one last pic of you bent over the desk as if you were waiting for him.

As you snapped the last pic you heard Sara's key in the lock and quickly sprinter to jump under your covers, trying to look as innocent as possible as you put the printed Polaroids under the covers.

The next day you finished writing your letter and slipped in four of the nine poloraids you had taken. You made sure to sit them behind the letter in the envelope since you didn't need his roommate getting a private show. You posted the letter and did your best to act casual over the phone with Aemond but you couldn't help feel anxious about his reaction.

Two days later your phone rang as you were sat in bed finishing an essay on your laptop. "Hey baby," you greeted as you read over your list of spelling mistakes.

"Don't hey baby me," Aemond said, catching your attention and making you move your laptop to the side, "You think trying to tease me is funny?"

"Tease you-" you said as you sat up properly in bed trying to figure out what he meant when it hit you. "Did you get my letter?" you said not able to hide the smirk in your voice.

"Oh I got your letter alright darling," Aemond said darkly and you could just imagine him pacing his dorm room while his roommate was out. "and the pictures,"

"Did you like them?" you said with a light giggle as if you had been transformed back to the start of your relationship. "I thought you mightve been getting lonely over there. So far away," you said with a fake pout, loving the affects you had already had on them.

"Are you kidding me?" Aemond said with a dark chuckle, "You look positively fuckable in these doll. I don't know how I'm supposed to contain myself till I see you,"

You felt your stomach go light like butterflies were dancing in it at his words. "I've got more if you'd like," you said as you twirled your hair like a school girl.

"God's you really are a little minx aren't you?" Aemond groaned making you giggle, "You won't be so cocky when I get there. No you get all shy don't you? Like a good little girl,"

"Maybe I don't wanna be a good girl," you teased as you discarded the laptop onto your bedside table, moving to lay down as you spoke.

"You know what happens when you don't behave doll," Aemond warned in the same voice he used when he used to hold you by your jaw, forcing you to meet his eye.

"Whatcha gonna do about it?" you grinned as your hand searched your bottom drawer for the vibrator you had stashed away for nights like this where all you wanted was Aemonds touch. "You're not here to make me do anything,"

"Just you wait doll," Aemond said as you heard him crash down onto his bed, "When I'm there you'll regret being such a brat,"

"I don't believe you," you teased as you slipped the vibrator between your legs, slowly running it up and down your folds before it was even on.

Aemond was silent for a moment and you wondered how good he must look right now with that stern look on his face," You're touching yourself aren't you?" he said making your actions pause.

"No I'm-" you started to stutter out only to be interrupted by Aemonds chuckle.

"Oh baby girl you really are that desperate aren't you?" he said, his smirk evident in his voice, "trying to get off by just my voice. Bet you could as well love you're that desperate," you tried to argue but Aemond kept talking, "Turn it on doll. I know you're using that pretty little vibe of yours aren't you?"

"maybe," you said, your voice shaky as you reached for the button.

"So predictable," he chuckled, "God's you looked good when I would use that on you. Turn it on doll and go slow. I want you to earn it if you're gonna be such a tease,"

Even from so far away Aemond still had a control over you which made you switch the toy onto it's lowest setting and slowly run it up your folds, gasping as your ran it over your sensitive clit." that's a good girl, "Aemond praised when he heard your noises through the phone. "I'm just looking at these pics love," you heard him say as you moved the vibe to slowly circle around your clit, "Such pretty pictures," he said, "almost as good as the real thing. Almost because it won't be long till I bend you over that desk of yours. You'd like to that wouldn't you? Me fucking you over your desk in my sweetheart,"

"Yes," you whimpered but Aemond tutted over the phone.

"Yes what?"

"Yes sir," you correct yourself, moaning as you felt a knot bubbling in your stomach.

"Good girl," Aemond praised and you could swear you could hear him jerking off on the other end, "now turn up the vibe baby and slip it in,"

You whined but did as instructed, the soft silicone easily slipping into your wet pussy, "It's in," you said, your voice whiny.

"Good. Now tighten your thighs to hold it there. You're gonna need your hands love," he said, a slight groan in his voice as he stroked his member.

"Okay," you stuttered, doing as he said but also laying your phone next to your head on speaker, "now what sir?"

"Now I want you to squeeze those perfect tit's of yours," he said, his breathing more rugged, "they look so good in that red little number of yours. Can't wait to tear it off you,"

"Thank you sir," you moaned as you followed his instructions and wishing it was his hands.

"Now pinch those perky nipples of yours," Aemond said which you gladly complied with, rolling them between your fingers, "Miss kissing those perfect tit's of yours. Gonna cover them in hickeys next time I get my hands on them. Might even take a picture for good measure. You'd like that wouldn't you?"

"Yes sir," you whined as you felt your body start to jerk at your already approaching climax.

"You gonna cum baby?" Aemond asked, his breathing shaking as he approached his own edge.

"Yes," you whined, greatful your roommate had left for the night, "Please sir can I cum now please?"

"Fuck," Aemond gasped, "Yes baby cum for me. Be a good girl baby don't hide any of those pretty noises. Think I might just cum from hearing them," he said.

You couldn't even say anything else as your body began twitching, your legs shaking as you felt your orgasm rip through your body. You didn't try to hide your moans and it wasn't long till you heard Aemond mumbling curses and praise through the phone. "Fuck," Aemond gasped as he started to catch his breath.

"Did you..?" you asked, your voice trailing off.

"Yes darling," he said with uneven breath, "All over these pictures love. Is there any chance you could send some more?" he asked but this time his voice was far more shy.

You laughed lightly as you rolled onto your side, snuggling into your pillow now suddenly tired, "of course baby. How come you never asked before?"

"I didn't want you to think I'm some kind of pervert," Aemond confessed now far more sheepish than his sexy persona.

"You're not a pervert Aem, you're my boyfriend," you laughed, imagining how his cheeks would be flushing right now. "Of course I'll send some more baby you'll just need to be patient," you teased.

"I'm sick of being patient," Aemond groaned like a toddler who had been told no, "I'm driving up to see you Friday after class no questions, no excuses,"

"Aemy that's a long drive are you sure?" you asked, worried how he'd be able to get all his work done if he was so far from college.

"More than sure baby. I need to see you and besides. I have a few new ideas of what you could do with that camera,"

Part Two here

Taglist: @clairacassidy @valeskafics @starkleila

[ayatai]

Gratitude

Comfy-vember Day 16 Prompt: Reading Aloud

The tavern door creaked open.

“Rufus, I told you already. It’s Sunday morning, we don’t open until later,” Liliana said. Did the man ever do anything but drink?

“Excuse me, but I’m looking for the owner.”

Liliana popped her head up from behind the counter where she’d been moving casks around. “That’s me.”

The sandy-haired man nodded. His official looking uniform was damp from the rain. “Liliana?”

She nodded, and he opened the bag he had slung over one shoulder and pulled out a large package. “I’m under explicit instructions to hand this to no one but you or your husband.”

The package was addressed to her and Alton, but she didn’t recognize the handwriting. Delivery via courier would have cost a good sum; she had no idea who would have spent that much to send them mail.

“You arrived on the ship this morning?” she asked.

“Yes, miss. I’ll be returning when she leaves port tomorrow, if you’d like to write a reply before then. All my expenses have all ready been covered, so no charge.”

“You need a room for tonight, then?”

“And meals, if possible.”

She nodded, still pondering the mystery package.

Ten minutes later, after setting the courier up with his room and breakfast, she cut the strings with her belt knife and carefully unwrapped the contents.

A pouch, well padded, jingled as she freed it from its wrappings. A second bundle proved to be a set of wooden tops, finely carved; meant, she assumed, for her son, Jadon. The last items were two envelopes closed with seals she also didn’t recognize. She broke the seal on one and pulled out the letter inside. She read the first few sentences, then hurried to the back door of their tavern, grinning.

“Alton! Take a break for a minute and come inside. You too, Grandma.”

Alton took one last swing at the log he’d been chopping despite the light drizzle, then set his ax down. He moved over to his wife and looked over her shoulder. “Who’s it from?”

“Just listen,” and she started reading out loud, struggling with some of the longer words.

To Liliana, Alton, Edith, and Jadon,

I hope this letter finds you all doing well; it’s been several months since I left Llewdor to try my luck in Daventry, and I imagine it will take a while more for it to reach you.

The voyage, as you warned, was doomed from the start; Reid had no intention of honoring our agreement. But his traitorous actions begot him nothing but misery; I escaped, along with a portion of his ill-gotten treasure.

You’ll find a pouch enclosed along with this letter; I’ve found it only fitting that you should be the recipients of said coins. Both for the years you were forced to endure his patronage, and your invaluable assistance and the incredible kindness you showed me.

In summary, I managed to arrive in Daventry in the end. The dragon is now dead, and to my astonishment and jubilation, I have reunited with my family at last. As I’m sure you’ll note from my signature below,

Liliana glanced further down at the signature; her eyes went wide.

Alton, who couldn’t read at all, became impatient. “Keep going! And what is this pouch he’s talking about?!”

“Shh!”

As I’m sure you’ll note from my signature below, it has been more than I ever could have imagined! But the real shock for me has been just how welcoming and accepting they have been. If ever you were concerned about my fate, you may well put those fears to rest.

My good fortune could never have come about without your aid. Forever grateful and in your debt,

Prince Alexander of Daventry

P.S. I’ve added a toy for Jadon as well; please give him my regards, though given his young age I’m unsure if he’ll remember me.

“I thought his name was Gwydion?” Edith asked, confused.

“That was the name Manannan called him,” Alton explained. To Liliana, he said, “He told us his real name right before he left, remember?”

Edith looked indignant. “And did you also know he was a prince and never told me?”

“No, no, he never mentioned that. If he even knew himself,” Liliana said. “Can you believe it? That sweet little slip of a boy!”

“Good for him; he deserves it,” Alton said.

Liliana handed him the pouch; while he and Edith opened it and gasped at the contents, Liliana broke the seal on the second, shorter letter, reading silently this time.

To the proprietors of the Port Bruce Tavern,

My son tells me you rendered him crucial aid at a time both he and my daughter were in peril. I cannot begin to express how thankful I am for your help in both saving their lives and in our son’s return. If you ever find yourself in Daventry, please know that you are welcome any time as our honored guests.

A most grateful mother,

Queen Valanice of Daventry

Her heart went out to this woman she had never met. Queen or not, she was a mother all the same; Liliana could not imagine how she would have managed if Jadon had been taken from her. Being turned into a cat was too good for that wretched wizard.

[missys-mansion-of-mistakes]

July 26th, 2024. Friday.

🌊 Today was good! I got a lot of things done I'd been meaning to do for weeks. I completed:

Looking at a list of programs that apply to my research and the information I'm presenting at the conference in 2 (!!!) weeks. Added it all to the spreadsheet I'm compiling.

Sending in an application to be on an organization's Board of Directors. I got an auto-reject because they got a lot of applications, but that's alright, I put it on my calendar to try again in 6 months.

I drafted the CF scholarship and, on a whim, just submitted it. It was kind've a bad essay but... I just wanted it done. Bad call, and I won't win the scholarship because of it, but that's OK. More writing practice earned and that helps.

Drafted the PC scholarship. This one was WAY hard. Required a brainstorm session with my boyfriend to even figure out what to write about. But I got an outline together, a first draft, and a 2nd draft too. Need to sleep on it though.

In exchange for all the above: skipped all my morning routines except relaxing for an hour. In that hour I wrote a letter to my boyfriend that I'm going to tuck in a book I send him on Monday. There's 2 books he bought when he was here with me that he wanted me to send him, and I'm buying him a copy of a book I think he'll really love too ("Seed to Dust"-- it's an amazing book!) I'm also sending him a sticker of a snail and a frog in a long-distance relationship... it's us!!

So yeah. Very productive with the one-off tasks.

💤 Very tired today. Need to transition fully back onto the looseleaf yerba instead of messing with the canned yerba-- the former of those is more medicinal, the other has like ~150mg caffeine per can. Not good. 💄 So, I was looking at getting myself more makeup/"beauty" supplies because of my new job. Now, I'm a girl who-- until recently-- would consider herself pretty butch. But as I've been trying to get into professionalism more, dressing better at work, etc, I've realized that I get a lot more positive attention when I dress way more femininely. This also plays into the oft-quoted statistic about how women who wear makeup are chosen way more often for promotions/job opportunities/whatever than women who don't. So I figured, since it seems I've finished taking the leap into wearing dresses, now was the time to take the leap into actual makeup.

Now, I have makeup already too. I have these things: foundation, sunscreen, moisturizer, highlighter. That's IT!

So when I mentioned offhandedly several weeks ago that a job in a fancy, rich town wanted to interview me, and I might need to learn makeup, a friend was shocked that I didn't even have a lipstick to speak of.

I ordered this mystery beauty box to fix that. No this isn't an advertisement, I just wanted to share because honestly this fixed my problem elegantly AND made me happy-- win-win!

Everything in the first picture is what I got in the box. 3 lipsticks, 2 eyeshadows, 2 lipliners, 1 eyeliner, 1 undereye highlighter, a bunch of brushes, a ton of spa stuff I'll have to convince myself to use, and more! Now I'll just have to experiment with them lol.

Anyway, yeah, it was pretty and I'm happy.

📦 My parents need help going through boxes in the garage tomorrow. I'll have to drive up home tomorrow morning to help. So, another couple days working on the laptop at their house. Let's see how productive I can be up there...

What has made you happy recently?

Sending happiness your way!!

[Photos: mystery box unpacked, my tie-dye envelope in front of my PC, tie-dye envelope and long-distance snail and frog sticker, mystery box still packaged up.]

[promethea-silk]

The familiar smell of old books and aging parchments hung in the air of the library within Highgate Manor, a place in which Cordelia often had found herself spending much of her time during her time growing up. It was the one corner of her old home that she recalled being able to hold herself up within to be able to escape the ever boresome lessons and droning commands of her mother and father.

Being here now, it felt empty and cold, lacking in that comfort she once so frequently sought after. Then again, the entire estate seemed to have that impression about it and yet, in spite of this, Cordelia reveled in the darkness that lingered there.

Soft clicks on the hardwood floors called her attention away from the spines of the books where her fingertips had been idly tracing over the intricacies of each one. "I trust Wren found you and things have been settled for Lady Cress?" Cordelia mused in question as she turned to address Tilly as she approached.

"Yes, M'lady, the gifts have been procured for her to deliver first thing as well as your bracelet packaged well and secured for travel." The red headed sprite of a hyur nodded pleasantly with hands folded in front of her.

"Good. Very good." The words were distant as she adjusted now to retrieve the large tome and documents, all that had been discovered in the past month or so regarding the details of her newfound lineage. Steel hues locked onto the book itself, her realization coming full force that she held no true connection to the relic and was entirely prepared to release it to its owner, where it belonged.

"I will be preparing to return to Gray Manor the day after tomorrow and once I hear word from Lady Cress that she is well and prepared to meet with me, we will do so. Please see that this, all of this, is settled and packed with my things discreetly and safely to travel once I am ready. There is a letter I also need to you send off to Master Blythe at your earliest convenience once I am through with it." And with that, she offered the items in hand over to Tilly slowly. Once within her grasp, the woman nodded yet again and briskly went about doing as she was asked.

Cordelia watched as her head of staff disappeared from sight before she turned to a small writing desk that was nestled by the window. Moving to take the seat there, she moved about some of the items, opening the ink well she had brought with her and set about dipping her quill within the dark pool. Penning the letter, she wrote each word with purpose and was defibrate with her tone as she offered affections and thoughts to the parchment. They were faint, hardly what one might find in a typical letter to a lover, but they were there. She still teetered on the edge of unsure on how to maneuver and navigate these waters, rough and cloudy as they were, but for the time being, the widow allowed herself to float amongst the waves of uncertainty to let the current take her - them - where it was meant to.

What she was certain of was that she was going to need support, whatever she could muster from those closest to her and it was becoming clear to her that Ricard had bled into that role whether on purpose or not. Taking a deep breath, she blew gently on the wet ink while pushing to stand, readying the letter to be handed off to be sent.

There had yet to be an instance that caused Cordelia Gray to shy from it, neither her ties to House Cress nor her unexpected connections to someone would change her ways now. Steadfast, she was prepared to face a new chapter head on, whatever that may bring.

[dreaminginthedeepsouth]

Steve Brodner

* * * *

LETTERS FROM AN AMERICAN

April 18, 2024

HEATHER COX RICHARDSON

APR 19, 2024

I will not spend the rest of 2024 focusing on Trump and the chaos in the Republican Party, but today it has been impossible to look away.

In Trump’s election interference trial in Manhattan, Judge Juan Merchan this morning dismissed one of the selected jurors after she expressed concern for her anonymity and thus for her safety. All of the reporters in the courtroom have shared so much information about the jurors that they seemed at risk of being identified, but Fox News Channel host Jesse Watters not only ran a video segment about a juror, he suggested she was “concerning.” Trump shared the video on social media.

The juror told the judge that so much information about her had become public that her friends and family had begun to ask her if she was one of the jurors. Legal analyst Joyce White Vance noted jurors’ fear for their safety was a concern normally seen only “in a case involving violent organized crime.”

Nonetheless, by the end of the day, twelve people had been chosen to serve as jurors. Tomorrow the process will continue in order to find six alternate jurors. 

It is a courtesy for the two sides at a trial to share with each other the names of their next witnesses so the other team can prepare for them. Today the prosecution declined to provide the names of their first three witnesses to the defense lawyers out of concern that Trump would broadcast them on social media. “Mr. Trump has been tweeting about the witnesses. We’re not telling them who the witnesses are,” prosecutor Joshua Steinglass said. 

Merchan said he “can’t blame them.” Trump’s defense attorney Todd Blanche offered to "commit to the court and the [prosecution] that President Trump will not [post] about any witness" on social media. "I don't think you can make that representation," Merchan said, in a recognition that Trump cannot be trusted, even by his own lawyers.

An article in the New York Times today confirmed that the trial will give Trump plenty of publicity, but not the kind that he prefers. Lawyer Norman L. Eisen walked through questions about what a prison sentence for Trump could look like.

Trump’s popular image is taking a hit in other ways, as well. Zac Anderson and Erin Mansfield of USA Today reported that Trump is funneling money from his campaign fundraising directly into his businesses. According to a new report filed with the Federal Election Commission, in February and March the campaign wrote checks totaling $411,287 to Mar-a-Lago and in March a check for $62,337 to Trump National Doral Miami.

Experts say it is legal for candidates to pay their own businesses for services used by the campaign so long as they pay fair market value. At the same time, they note that since Trump appears to be desperate for money, “it looks bad.”

Astonishingly, Trump’s trial was not the biggest domestic story today. Republicans in Congress were in chaos as members of the extremist Freedom Caucus worked to derail the national security supplemental bills that House Speaker Mike Johnson (R-LA) has introduced in place of the Senate bill, although they track that bill closely. 

The House Rules Committee spent the day debating the foreign aid package, which appropriates aid for Ukraine, Israel, and Taiwan separately. The Israel bill also contains $9.1 billion in humanitarian aid for Gaza and other countries. A fourth bill focuses on forcing the Chinese owners of TikTok to sell the company, as well as on imposing sanctions on Russia and Iran. 

At stake in the House Rules Committee was Johnson’s plan to allow the House to debate and vote on each measure separately, and then recombine them all into a single measure if they all pass. This would allow extremist Republicans to vote against aid to Ukraine, while still tying the pieces all together to send to the Senate. As Robert Jimison outlined in the New York Times, this complicated plan meant that the Rules Committee vote to allow such a maneuver was crucial to the bill’s passage.

The extremist House Republicans were adamantly opposed to the plan because of their staunch opposition to aid for Ukraine. They wrote in a memo on Wednesday: “This tactic allows Johnson to pass priorities favored by President Biden, the swamp and the Ukraine war machine with a supermajority of House members, leaving conservatives out to dry.”

Extremists Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) and Thomas Massie (R-KY) vowed to throw House speaker Mike Johnson (R-LA) out of the speakership, but Democrats Tom Suozzi of New York and Jared Moskowitz of Florida have said they would vote to keep him in his seat, thereby defanging the attack on his leadership.

So the extremists instead tried to load the measures up with amendments prohibiting funds from being used for abortion, removing humanitarian aid for Gaza, opposing a two-state solution to the Hamas-Israel war, calling for a wall at the southern border of the U.S., defunding the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA), and so on.

Greene was especially active in opposition to aid to Ukraine. She tried to amend the bill to direct the president to withdraw the U.S. from NATO and demanded that any members of Congress voting for aid to Ukraine be conscripted into the Ukraine army as well as have their salaries taken to offset funding. She wanted to stop funding until Ukraine “turns over all information related to Hunter Biden and Burisma,” and to require Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky to resign. More curiously, she suggested amending the Ukraine bill so that funding would require “restrictions on ethnic minorities’, including Hungarians in Transcarpathia, right to use their native languages in schools are lifted.” This language echoes a very specific piece of Russian propaganda.

Finally, Moskowitz proposed “that Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene…should be appointed as Vladimir Putin’s Special Envoy to the United States Congress.” 

Many congress members have left Washington, D.C., since Friday was to be the first day of a planned recess. This meant the partisan majority on the floor fluctuated. Olivia Beavers of Politico reported that that instability made Freedom Caucus members nervous enough to put together a Floor Action Response Team (FART—I am not making this up) to make sure other Republicans didn’t limit the power of the extremists when they were off the floor.

The name of their response team seems likely to be their way to signal their disrespect for the entire Congress. Their fellow Republicans are returning the heat. Today Mike Turner (R-OH) referred to the extremists as the Bully Caucus on MSNBC and said, “We need to get back to professionalism, we need to get back to governing, we need to get back to legislating.” Derrick Van Orden (R-WI) told Juliegrace Brufke of Axios:  "The vast majority of the Republican Party in the House of Representatives...are sick and tired of having people who...constantly blackmail the speaker of the House.”

Another Republican representative, Jake LaTurner of Kansas, announced today he will not run for reelection. He joins more than 20 other Republican representatives heading for the exits.

After all the drama, the House Rules Committee voted 6–3 tonight to advance the foreign aid package to the House floor. Three Republicans voted nay. While it is customary for the opposition party to vote against advancing bills out of the committee, the Democrats broke with tradition and voted in favor.

LETTERS FROM AN AMERICAN

HEATHER COX RICHARDSON

[boldlyanxious]

Love is in the Error

Part 5

Part 4

Masterlist

She had been expecting Adrien for days. He was clearly making her wait to stress her out about what he wanted with only his ominous letter he had left behind. She had tried multiple spells and nothing seemed to be working to get the ring off. She wadded the letter and tossed it away. His interpretation of fate meant nothing to her.

She had known Gabriel had other magical artifacts but as little as she had known about magic at the time, she couldn’t risk taking them without knowing what could happen. But the Graham de Vanily rings were definitely imbued with unknown magic. Whatever it’s purpose, she was stuck with it on her finger and she was having a hard time explaining why she appeared to be wearing a wedding band.

She heard Lian in the hallway, talking excitedly before the door across the hall opened and then closed again. It was hard for her to remember anything about the awkwardness of kissing her neighbor. It had felt pretty bad at the time but things were so much worse for her now and Roy didn’t even seem to be bothered. She hadn’t seen him since he had come to the diner looking for Lian a few days ago. He had left while she was busy at work so they hadn't talked. She didn’t know if she wanted to but they would have to talk if she was still supposed to go to this mother daughter tea with Lian. It was tomorrow and she didn’t want to disappoint Lian.

She had been avoiding leaving her apartment because she didn’t want to suddenly run into Adrien. Perhaps it would be better to give him the opportunity to show up now rather than when she was at work or to just wait for him in her apartment where she was trapped. She needed to send off a few packages anyway, including the ones with the Parisian heroes. She was happy to get those out of her apartment. She honestly didn’t know why she still listed them for sale. Perhaps it was just nostalgia. She actually missed the kwami. She had kept them with her until she moved here. She had been worried that Gabriel or Adrien had been able to trace the magic. But they had still found her and it would be too much of a risk to get the box out of hiding right now.

After sending the packages off, she stopped back in at a few of the boutiques to check back on their interest in her accessories. The owner of one of the wedding boutiques was very excited to see the ring on her finger and wanted to know everything about her plans. It was a tricky conversation to be involved in because she didn’t want to tell exactly what had happened. Wedding people did not like to be ridiculed and she didn’t want them to refuse her work because of a miscommunication.

At the last boutique she was delighted that they not only had orders for some of her regular products, they wanted her to design a few signature pieces to match other consignment items. She took a few pictures and ended up leaving with a cute sweater to pair with one of her favorite dresses. It was perfect timing because it would be a perfect match for Lian’s favorite dress and it was also the right style for a tea event. She was really excited to get home and show her.

She should probably talk to Roy first. She took out her phone and sent him a text. He replied immediately that he would like to have a chance to talk to her so she let him know she would be back to the building in a few minutes. That seemed better than trying to discuss anything over text. She wasn’t sure about a phone call. She didn’t always manage to convey her meaning properly on the phone and she didn’t want to make anything worse. She loved Lian and wanted to be there for her as she was able but she would not sneak around with Roy behind his fiancé’s back. They needed boundaries so they would be neighbors only. Friendly neighbors but nothing more.

She was in sight of the building when she saw the person she had been dreading. He had clearly already seen her. He had been leaning against a tree as if he were in a photo shoot. But he had already made a bee line for her path and with his longer legs he would catch up to her before she could get away from him.

“There you are,” he said with a charming smile. “I was afraid I had missed you.”

She pulled away from his hand as he reached out to pull her into a hug.

“I don’t think I could ever miss you, but there is always hope. Leave and if I ever do, I will let you know.”

“I don’t think you will ever want to be too far from me,” he said.

His voice dropped low as a warning. He grabbed her hand since she had ducked away from his hug. His finger rubbed against the band and she could feel it. She suspected that she would need to be close to him for as long as he wore the matching band.

“Because of this? I will find a way. I am stronger than you think.”

She glared at him as she pulled her hand away. Dropping her bag to the ground between them she took the band between her fingers and pulled. It tugged at her skin but didn’t loosen. She scrunched her face at the pain when she twisted it and pulled harder but it wouldn’t budge. Adrien didn’t fear its removal at all. He didn’t even attempt to stop her. He took her chin in his hand and lifted her face to look at him. He held tighter when she tried to jerk away from his grip.

“No one doubts your strength, My Lady.” he said softly. “But you can only fight fate for so long before you accept it.”

Rage filled her at his words. She had been arguing with him about what fate meant since they were teens. He had decided to use magic to intervene but she could fight magic even if it took time and energy. Maybe not as much as she anticipated. The ring loosened and moved on her finger. Adrien didn’t seem to notice yet. Surely he would try to find a way to prevent it if he realized.

“You are still wrong about fate. Even if fate were at work here, all you are doing is trying to change it and that will never work the way you want it to.”

She didn’t know if the relief showed on her face or if Adrien’s emotions overcame him but before she got the ring past her knuckle his fingers tightened on her chin and the ring tightened on her finger. It was uncomfortable and she let go of the band. It glowed hot and then remained where Adrien had placed it. His eyes darkened at something over her shoulder and then he smiled down at her as his grip loosened and his thumb brushed her cheek. He reached for her hand and the same thumb brushed against the ring. His smile was nearly a smirk as he lifted her hand and kissed her fingers.

She didn’t know what he was looking at behind her shoulder until after he turned to leave. Roy had walked up behind her and looked concerned. She smiled brightly as if everything was fine. He was only her neighbor and she didn’t need to involve him in her problems, especially when that would put him and possibly his daughter in danger.

—

“Something isn’t right and she is hiding it from me,” Roy said. “I don’t like that guy, there is something wrong with him.”

Jason was laying on the floor and tossing a ball in the air.

“That feeling is regret. You should have made a move sooner.”

Roy turned back to him and grabbed the ball out of the air.

“No, something is very wrong with him. He looked like he was daring me to make a scene.”

“Sounds a lot like you are jealous. You wanted to make a scene so you could prove you were better. Did you talk about the kissing or are you still pretending it never happened?”

Roy threw the ball at Jason’s face but Jason laughed when he caught it.

“Did you at least tell her about your engagement? She is with Lian now. Do you really think Lian will go the whole time at a mother daughter event without announcing all about your fictional wedding?”

Roy looked horrified when he thought about that. He rushed to his room to change into a nicer shirt and then raced out of his apartment. He didn’t even stop when Jason’s ball hit him in the back of the head. He just needed to get there in time to explain.

He got there well after the event started but before it was finished. They didn’t allow him to interrupt. It wasn’t like he could explain why this was an emergency. He went outside to pace back and forth but he was distracted by a street vendor selling flowers. He wasn’t sure what the protocol was when you picked up your daughter and your fake fiancé at a tea party but Lian would like flowers either way. He didn’t know about Marinette. It was probably inappropriate to get her flowers under the circumstances but it gave him something to do. He picked ones he thought looked nice and paid before heading back.

He could barely catch his breath when he saw her. She was smiling so brightly and looking down at Lian who was holding onto her legs. He pulled out his phone and took the picture right as she put her hand on Lian’s head. The girl looked up at her adoringly. They weren’t expecting him and the other mothers and daughters watched in awe as he walked up. Lian sprang forward to meet him and squealed with delight at the sight of the flowers. He leaned down onto his knee to greet her as she put her face in the flowers, offering him only a side hug. He tried not to think of what it felt like to be down on one knee in front of Marinette as Lian turned and put her back against his chest and lifted the flowers to her.

—

“Look, Marinette. Daddy got us flowers.”

“They are lovely, Dear. Hold them just like that and I’ll get a picture for you.”

Marinette pulled out her phone and took a picture. She was very aware of everyone else watching them. She was too nervous to react after everything that happened at the tea party. Lian had introduced her to everyone as her new mom. She didn’t know how Roy or his fiancé would take that. She tried to whisper to Lian about Jason or that she was just making a dress but that just made Lian talk about the dress instead. Someone had to know that it wasn’t true but she didn’t want to correct her in front of all her friends. One lady in particular was very rude to Marinette and she supposed she was probably interested in the truth.

One of the other mother’s created a distraction by taking her phone and insisting on taking pictures of them all together. She saw no other option but to pose for the pictures. They could easily be deleted later once everything was cleared up. She didn’t think about how sad that would make her until Roy placed his hand on the small of her back and during the posing. He then leaned down and lifted Lian up with the bouquet. She thought that one would probably turn out great and then Lian leaned over and kissed her cheek for the last picture. Lian looked at everyone else as they were standing there watching.

Lian stopped and looked around in a moment of clarity. “Why is no one else getting flowers?”

Marinette gladly let Roy handle the awkward question in front of people. She was already feeling embarrassed enough that she didn’t want to make eye contact with any of the other women there. Some of them very clearly had jealousy in their eyes and that one lady looked like she wanted Marinette to wither away under her angry glare. But luckily, Roy was having a quiet discussion with his daughter before she suddenly pushed away to get down. She pulled out a handful of the flowers and rushed over to her classmates and started handing them out. Most of the crowd was smiling as they took the flowers and luckily Lian didn’t see the ones who were displeased. There was one flower left at the end and Lian held it out to her.

“I know just what to do with this,” Marinette said.

She leaned down and tucked it into Lian’s hair. It really was the perfect scene. She wondered if in the future the other parents would show up with flowers after the event. If they continued with the event. From what she had gathered, Lian was fairly new so it might be that they wouldn’t continue an event that would exclude one child based on the gender of her parents.

—

Roy wasn’t sure what he had expected when he picked them up. Perhaps the flowers had been overkill but he couldn’t help but feel like it looked right to see Marinette with flowers and interacting with his daughter. He couldn’t get over how sweet Lian was. She just loved sharing every good thing she had. He guided them away and they were walking the short distance to their apartment building. Lian was telling him all about the event and he smiled listening to her. But when he glanced over to Marinette, she looked nervous. Her fingers were playing with the ring on her finger. He wondered if it was a nervous habit or if she was worried about her fiancé. Maybe he hadn’t liked that she was going as the mother of another man's child.

He hoped she hadn't felt pressured into it. He had anticipated handling that differently but once she had given her commitment it would be difficult to tell Lian she couldn’t go. Everything seemed to go back to the one moment they had avoided discussing. He had kissed her and from then on everything had gotten awkward. He should have talked to her about it immediately. He intended to talk to her once he had gotten Lian settled. But when he was going to head over, he saw her boyfriend leaving. All his reasoning had gone out the window. He was set to tell her how much he had wanted to kiss her but that was not a good thing to say to a neighbor with a boyfriend.

Marinette was silent all the way up in the elevator and he was set to send her on the way for the day and get Lian home when she finally spoke.

“I have made progress on the dress if we thought it would be a good time to check the fitting on it,” she said.

There was no way he could have refused that. Lian was far too excited. She was jumping up and down and dragging him. He loved the idea of going over there as much as she did but he refrained from jumping up and down. Suggesting that to Lian instead of clearing it with him was very out of character for Marinette. He suspected she wanted to talk and had merely suggested a way to keep Lian distracted.

Taglist

@theymakeupfairies | @emjrabbitwolf | @vixen-uchiha | @trythisagainlove | @trippingovermyfeet | @tbehartoo | @izanae | @kittenmywaythrulife | @folk-ever-lore | @jayjayspixiepop | @achaoticmess1 | @adrestar | @zynna | @jeminiikrystal | @miyatalksshit | @hammalammadamdam

[ask-richard-jackdaw]

*a large package is delivered by a disgruntled snowy owl*

Richard,

In anticipation of Thursday, I wanted to send you some supplies. I brewed up some pepperup, wiggenweld and pain potions and invigoration draughts, just in case. I also packed some chocolates, for when you're once again able to enjoy food!

If you find yourself in want of company, or require help carrying supplies to the hotspots, do let me know.

Yours,

Elizabeth 🖤

My dear,

It's always a pleasure to humbly receive A letter from you on the rousing eve Of every Thursday when I am to turn I little more human: your presence to yearn.

It is true, Thursday is almost here and I've had such a wonderful time in the past month turning fully corporal once a week! I still hesitate to call it living since it is not permanent. I am, however, eternally grateful for even those fleeting moments I'm able to catch up on that which was stolen from me so early. 

I must admit, I haven't actually met many students yet because I keep getting distracted on my way to the castle. It's either having some nice food at a friend's place and forgetting the passage of time, or my employer catching me in human form and giving me tasks here and there (I almost paid off that broom!), or running around and trying to see if I can get any period-appropriate clothing. Or at least an extra Hogwarts cloak — I still look like a 7th-year student! My family paid for my education that unfortunate year I lost my head so teeechnically I should still be eligible to finish my final year at Hogwarts? I should be sorting out all manner of paperwork but instead I worry about the colour of the cloak I want to wear once a week!  

*Richard looks up from the letter to steal a glance at Elizabeth's portrait on the wall and then at the photos she took of him a while ago. His hair looks normal there but last Thursday when he examined himself in the mirror his hair still looked like ghost hair. No, it was not transparent but mostly white instead. Maybe ancient magic did not do it correctly that one time? Or maybe Richard focused too much on being a human and not on the details? But he rather liked that colour, perhaps because after decades of seeing himself as a ghost having white hair was in a way comforting. He would never admit to that, of course. Being human again terrifies him: if the papercuts taught him anything it's that his body is very much mortal. The topic of death starts becoming more and more unsettling to him as a result.*

I just looked at what you sent me and... Do you even know how wonderful and thoughtful you are? I will have to make sure to remind you of this every time I get the chance. I think the drawbacks of being in the land of the living are here to stay but at the very least now I do not have to be aware of that misery. You spent so much of your time just to brew those potions for me and I am forever in your debt! 

And chocolate! Believe it or not, but I haven't had any chocolate yet, yours would be the first few pieces I've had in ages! Thank you! 

*Richard whines a little looking at the sweets: he could almost taste her chocolate but he knows that it's just his memory acting up and he cannot actually taste anything. Still, the thought of trying them tomorrow warmed his undead heart.*

I think the potions will stay here in my secret room for now since I start feeling tired and sick closer to the end of the day. That way I can just stop by if I feel like I need some more energy. My Scribe managed to find some pillows and a blanket for my sofa last time so that pain relief potion will come in rather handy when the night falls: it'll actually allow me to fall asleep without feeling like my body is falling apart. At least I hope it wor 

And I most certainly would love to visit some more people! If I don't get distracted by food again. Or fall off my broom again. I've also been dreading of going to the Olivander's to get a new wand... I feel so silly not being a ghost and only being able to cast basic wandless magic things... 

Anyway, I hope our paths do cross tomorrow. Your potions will literally be guarding my sleep in the night. As for you being their creator, does that make you my... guardian angel? If it is not the case then I must assure you: you are a very talented, kind, and thoughtful witch, and I would choose your company over that of even the most beautiful of angels — for your beauty is the one I wish to behold not only with my own eyes but with my heart as well.

Yours forever grateful,

Richard

[bvannn]

Weekly update August 30, 2024

Man I was so productive this week I did so much it’s great! I’m tired and all that but not as much as I expected, I got a pretty much free weekend in front of me, and I think I might have Monday off too (not 100% sure yet though so I’m not making any plans until I know for sure). I’m hoping I can keep it up into next week too, but wouldn’t be surprised if some bad luck hits me down.

I finished up a (mostly) instrumental piece today, it’s as done as it’s getting and I’m queueing that up for tomorrow. RR is also basically done, I might fiddle with some audio effects a touch more but otherwise it’s good to get a video together. I’ll outline what I need to draw for that tonight or tomorrow morning. Between that and another one I have planned for a mostly finished cover (WOTW), I’d like to try and get one video done by Halloween, so I’m going to try to dedicate more time to animation. The little ones I did before artfight were pretty quick so I hope I’ll be able to get enough done.

Oh also forgot to mention: I buy the bullet and got the Vocaloid mobile editor. Gotta play around with online converters to get midi into the format it needs to be and onto my phone, but it works fine. Bad news is: the ZOLAs are sold separately? The whole reason I wanted to stick with them was because they’re a package! They are still cheap at least, nd still some of the better sounding male voices so I might grab them eventually anyway, but for now I’mma stick with Mizki, and send the vsqx to friends if I want to export with the ZOLAs or Kagamines. I’m also tempted to grab Miku since she’s cheaper than everyone else on mobile for some reason, but I’ll see how Mizki sounds for now. I don’t know what the differences between the ‘light’ and full versions are, but so far she’s getting by.

Comic was also the big thing this week, Page 9 just needs textures and shading and lettering and it’s all good to go, which I plan to do tonight, whereupon the comic will be 31% done! I’m also planning to take bigger bites out of that while I’m still not so tired, hopefully it lasts a while.

Epithet Erased TTRPG is going good, got maps planned and more statblocks done, applied the math I did and have a good base for how much stamina everything needs to have so I can just sit down and plow through the rest once I’m ready. Only got one character token done this week, and it took longer than anticipated so I do need more practice with the EE style, but it can chip away at that over the weekend if we end up getting Monday off. I’ll probably decide to do the maps first though. If maps don’t take super long I’ll try to hammer out the rest of what I need for the campaign soon too.

Yeah not a lot to show off this week but I did a lot. And I get a long weekend to do even more. This feels like the save room before a really hard boss, but I’ll take advantage of it and release what I can soon. Song tomorrow is the biggest thing, hopefully it goes over well even though it’s an unpopular genre!

[eponymous-rose]

Something I wanted to do in the New Year is be more aware of how I'm spending my time at work, so I think I'm gonna try to do little summaries here of what each day entails. Hopefully also kind of interesting/useful if anyone's interested in academia?

For reference: we're on the quarter system, classes started on the 3rd, and I currently teach one class per quarter (heavy research-focused department, so very light teaching load). I also currently supervise 1 PhD student, 2 Master's students and 2 undergraduate research interns.

Monday!

Checked email on the bus to work, which mainly consisted of me seeing a colleague had received an endowed professorship, me writing her an effusive congratulatory message, and then me editing back the message a bit so it was less embarrassingly over the top. Also sent my students a reminder about their homework due on Wednesday and our little field trip tomorrow morning and accidentally sent it to last quarter's class, whoops. Luckily a former student quickly notified me of my mistake and I got it fixed!

Class was great - lots of flipped-classroom stuff that worked well even with only two students in the room (it's a conference week, everyone's traveling). I knew from previous years that the students had really, really struggled with this one equation, so I had them do a couple of examples in class and after working through the first one together, they both nailed it on the second try. Had to cancel a meeting with one of my undergrad research interns after class because the other members of our research team are out of town this week. Where is everyone? Well, at a conference and doing a two-month-long field campaign on the east coast. Forgivable. She offered to send me some of the work she's done thus far, so that's handy!

Went to check email after class and found that apparently a new remote meeting had popped on my schedule for immediately after class with an old peer mentoring group of mine (fellow 4th-year assistant profs in tangentially-related fields - we all did a professional development course last year together). Luckily it was cameras off so I could snack and decompress a bit while we caught up and made some strategic plans for the quarter.

Okay, FINALLY time to check email in earnest before my next meeting. 36 new messages since I checked last. New software package I need to bookmark and keep in mind for later work. Updates from the conference I'm technically attending virtually this week. Reference letter request from an undergrad student; add to calendar! Title and abstract to get added to the website for a seminar I'm hosting in a couple weeks. Reminder that the Zoom recording of my class is available to put online (which I promptly did). Triple-check with our tech guy that we're good to go up on the roof tomorrow to set up instrumentation for my class's term projects (all good!). Time flies, so here's the email with research progress from my undergraduate research intern and a handful of questions, we'll answer those and see how she likes jumping into a new dataset. New grant opportunities, job listings, a bunch of easy stuff to mark off. An essay about allocating time each week into the categories of Teaching, Research, and Service and strictly adhering to the percentages laid out by your tenure/promotion committee. Got a few minutes before my next meeting so I'll try it this week? Ish? Maybe? Looked sidelong at the new schedule, sure, we'll try that this week. Sent an email to my collaborator who's on a field project to see if we can do a remote meeting tomorrow to chat about a couple research proposals. Queued an email for next week's seminar speaker to see if he can send me the title and abstract for his talk/PhD entrance exam next week - no sense freaking him out before Wednesday, so we'll do a scheduled send.

Next up, meeting remotely with my former postdoc advisor! We've set up these meetings to "work on research projects" together but honestly this week it was just listening to him tell a very entertaining story about his car breaking down in rural Missouri and also listening to him describe a truly tragic tale of his very fancy sandwich getting thrown out of the office fridge by accident. That's scientific collaboration, baybee. We did talk research for a bit and he mentioned wanting to collaborate on a paper (he offered to pay for it out of the much more substantial research funds that come with his 30 extra years in the field) so I'm gonna come up with something for that by our next meeting in two weeks. I like working with him - we've published a couple papers in some pretty high-impact journals and he's always let me take the lead and go for first authorship without butting in, only providing support - so this is a fun prospect! I do have to submit an abstract this week for a European conference that'll be happening this spring, so maybe I can go ahead and lean into that idea a little.

It's now getting a little dark and rainy and I'm flagging a bit but I still have an hour before the afternoon seminar, so probably time to do a little course prep. Did some "grading" (just checking completion certificates for an introductory module the students had to go through). Fixed a mistake in Wednesday's lecture (why is there an anemometer when I'm talking about thermometers???). Reviewed some of the more complicated topics in Wednesday's lecture to make sure I'm not totally lost (some thermodynamics I haven't looked at in a while, thermocouples, semiconductors). Replacement slides uploaded to our course management system.

Aha! Email back from collaborator, she's going to be on a research flight tomorrow and won't be able to meet. All good, I don't have much to report anyway. That frees up an hour tomorrow, woohoo.

Okay, students have a homework assignment due a week from Wednesday, so I'm gonna post it this Wednesday. I have a good homework assignment prepared, I just needed to go in and write up a nice answer key. Got that done (along with some sample Python code to provide them with) and the homework assignment is scheduled to be posted, so it's time to look at next week's lectures. I've inherited this class from someone whose course notes can be a little scattered, so this is usually a bit of a process. Only two lectures to prep for next week, though!

Took a break from lecture prep to go to today's seminar, which purported to be about a really dodgy geoengineering scheme (redundant descriptor, am I right?) but in fact just rigorously tested said scheme and demonstrated it would actually have the opposite effect. Super fun and interesting seminar!

Okay, back to working on lectures for next week. Somehow got both of next week's lectures done before the end of the day, so those should just need a little polish and they'll be ready to go! Uploaded them to the course management system but sneakily and they won't appear to students until I've checked them over.

Tomorrow: going to the roof with my students to set up their term projects, then tons of sweet, sweet, meeting-free office time carved out. Hope this doesn't come back to bite me with a million meetings on Wednesday (...it will).

Important: work is done by 5PM. I try very hard to adhere to "leave work at work", which is not as much of a pipe dream as it seems, even for R1 tenure-track.

[memesandtvshowthings]

The interviewer- a Dramione fanfic

Chapter one!

Author’s note: This is seven years after the war. Hermione is working at the ministry of magic in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, in her case, the Anti-overthrow office which was established after the war to prevent the ministry from ever being overthrown again. Her job is to interview new businesses and make sure they aren’t planning anything against the ministry. 

There are a lot of pictures too! But only of the rooms, outfits, and other random things. I’m going to let you imagine the people yourselves. (Because I hate it when people show me what they’re supposed to look like!)

Hermione is 24 and Draco is… 23? Look it up. My math ain’t mathing right now!

That’s all I have for now, so, enjoy!

            September 21, 2005

Hermione’s house 

Hermione woke up to the sound of her alarm clock ringing.

(Her bedroom)

She quickly turned it off, got up, and went to her kitchen. She had a nice house. A little big, but, whatever floats your boat. 

(Her kitchen) 

She quickly made some coffee and buttered some toast. 

Once she finished, she washed her dishes and sat down on the couch to read. It was her day off so she decided to relax. 

(Her living room!)

A few minutes later, there was a tap on her window. She looked up and saw an owl. 

“Hello.” She said, opening the window for it. 

It held out its leg for her to untie, took a treat from her, and left. Once she sat back down, she read the letter.

Dear Ms. Granger,

I just wanted to let you know that tomorrow when you come in don’t bother going to your office. I need you in my office because I have arranged a meeting with the owner of a new company and I need you to interview him. I will give you more details tomorrow.

Sincerely,

                                       Kingsley Shacklebolt-                    

                                          Minister of Magic  

She reread the letter to make sure she understood it all and then put it down. 

“I wonder what business it is.” She said to herself. And picked her book back up. 

Draco’s house

Draco woke up to his alarm clock but turned it right back off. It was Saturday, he wasn’t getting up till he had to.

(His room!)

Once he finally got up, he flicked his wand to make up is bed, stumbled into the kitchen, and sat down.

(His kitchen!)

Even after an hour of extra sleep, he was still exhausted. Starting and running a business was harder than he thought. Once he ate breakfast (Ham and Eggs) he went into the living room.

(His living room!)

He sat down and picked up his coffee, thinking about random things. There was a peck at the window so Draco got up, already knowing it was an owl, and untied the letter. Opening it he read,

Dearest Draco,

Hello! I was just wondering if you would like to join me for lunch? Please respond!

Love,

         Pansy

He rolled his eyes. He had been getting the same letter every Saturday since his father had passed. He had only accepted the first time because he thought it was just a friendly gesture. Turns out, she only wanted his money. So he had declined making up an excuse every time since then. But today he just wrote, 

No.

And that was it. He was too exhausted to think of an excuse. 

Hermione’s house 

Hermione woke up with a jolt. Her stomach felt like it was burning. 

“Gosh, I’m hungry!” She said to herself. She looked at the time, 1:30, and made some lunch. Once she finished, she decided to sit on her porch. 

(Her porch!)

So she went outside and right as she was about to sit down she saw a package by her door. She went to pick it up wondering who would have sent her this. Opening it she saw a note that said,

Hey Hermione!

Sorry I didn’t send this by owl, it was too big! I hope you like it and Happy Birthday!

Love,

         Ginny

She opened the box and found a beautiful red lace dress.

(The dress!)

She couldn’t help but gasp when she saw it. It was…Perfect! She couldn’t wait for an opportunity to wear it.

Draco’s house

Draco woke up to Blaise Zabini tapping his shoulder 

“Hey mate, wake up!” He said.

Draco grunted and said, 

“I regret giving you a key.”

“Whatever. C’mon, let’s go somewhere!”

“I’m to tired.”

“Aww! Come on! We can go to lunch… on me.”

Draco immediately got up saying.

“I’ll be ready in five.”

Blaise just  laughed and sat down to wait.

Draco came back with a green sweater and jeans.

(His outfit!)

“Alright, where are we going?”

Ok! That was chapter one! Stay tuned to my page for more!

[hermioneneedsdraco]

The interviewer

(Keep in mind that this is my first fanfic ever!)

Author’s note: This is seven years after the war. Hermione is working at the ministry of magic in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, in her case, the Anti-overthrow office which was established after the war to prevent the ministry from ever being overthrown again. Her job is to interview new businesses and make sure they aren’t planning anything against the ministry. 

There are a lot of pictures too! But only of the rooms, outfits, and other random things. I’m going to let you imagine the people yourselves. (Because I hate it when people show me what they’re supposed to look like!)

Hermione is 24 and Draco is… 23? Look it up. My math ain’t mathing right now!

That’s all I have for now, so, enjoy!

            September 21, 2005

Hermione’s house 

Hermione woke up to the sound of her alarm clock ringing.

(Her bedroom)

She quickly turned it off, got up, and went to her kitchen. She had a nice house. A little big, but, whatever floats your boat.

(Her kitchen) 

She quickly made some coffee and buttered some toast. 

Once she finished, she washed her dishes and sat down on the couch to read. It was her day off so she decided to relax. 

(Her living room!)

A few minutes later, there was a tap on her window. She looked up and saw an owl. 

“Hello.” She said, opening the window for it. 

It held out its leg for her to untie, took a treat from her, and left. Once she sat back down, she read the letter.

Dear Ms. Granger,

I just wanted to let you know that tomorrow when you come in don’t bother going to your office. I need you in my office because I have arranged a meeting with the owner of a new company and I need you to interview him. I will give you more details tomorrow.

Sincerely,

                                       Kingsley Shacklebolt-                    

                                          Minister of Magic  

She reread the letter to make sure she understood it all and then put it down. 

“I wonder what business it is.” She said to herself. And picked her book back up. 

Draco’s house

Draco woke up to his alarm clock but turned it right back off. It was Saturday, he wasn’t getting up till he had to.

(His room!)

Once he finally got up, he flicked his wand to make up is bed, stumbled into the kitchen, and sat down.

(His kitchen!)

Even after an hour of extra sleep, he was still exhausted. Starting and running a business was harder than he thought. Once he ate breakfast (Ham and Eggs) he went into the living room.

(His living room!)

He sat down and picked up his coffee, thinking about random things. There was a peck at the window so Draco got up, already knowing it was an owl, and untied the letter. Opening it he read,

Dearest Draco,

Hello! I was just wondering if you would like to join me for lunch? Please respond!

Love,

         Pansy

He rolled his eyes. He had been getting the same letter every Saturday since his father had passed. He had only accepted the first time because he thought it was just a friendly gesture. Turns out, she only wanted his money. So he had declined making up an excuse every time since then. But today he just wrote, 

No.

And that was it. He was too exhausted to think of an excuse. 

Hermione’s house 

Hermione woke up with a jolt. Her stomach felt like it was burning. 

“Gosh, I’m hungry!” She said to herself. She looked at the time, 1:30, and made some lunch. Once she finished, she decided to sit on her porch. 

(Her porch!)

So she went outside and right as she was about to sit down she saw a package by her door. She went to pick it up wondering who would have sent her this. Opening it she saw a note that said,

Hey Hermione!

Sorry I didn’t send this by owl, it was too big! I hope you like it and Happy Birthday!

Love,

         Ginny

She opened the box and found a beautiful red lace dress.

(The dress!)

She couldn’t help but gasp when she saw it. It was…Perfect! She couldn’t wait for an opportunity to wear it.

Draco’s house

Draco woke up to Blaise Zabini tapping his shoulder 

“Hey mate, wake up!” He said.

Draco grunted and said, 

“I regret giving you a key.”

“Whatever. C’mon, let’s go somewhere!”

“I’m to tired.”

“Aww! Come on! We can go to lunch… on me.”

Draco immediately got up saying.

“I’ll be ready in five.”

Blaise just  laughed and sat down to wait.

Draco came back with a green sweater and jeans.

(His outfit!)

“Alright, where are we going?”

[zodiyack]

Love At First Package

Pairing: Gardner Langway x Fem!Reader

Warnings: fluffffff

Words: 843

Request: Could I request a fluffy Gardner Langway x fem. reader long oneshot where reader wakes up and hears giggling and finds Gardner in the living room playing with their 2 little girls and reader just gushes over how good of a father Gardner is to their girls and while she’s watching her little family, reader thinks back to how she met Gardner from him being her mailman and it was love at first sight?

Taglist: @matth1w , @redspaceace-writes , @fandom-puff , @darling-i-read-it , @simonsbluee , @sebastianstanslefteyebrow , @livlaughquinn, @bubsonnobx, @bunnyweasley23​

Masterlist | Joe Mazzello Masterlist

Waking to the sound of laughter, she bolts upright and her hands fall onto the bed next to her sides for support. Noticing the lack of another body weight in the bed, she turns to see that Gardner is nowhere to be found. The giggles continue, a high pitch voice as well as some chuckles from a deeper voice. Gardner's voice.

It clicks as she rubs her eyes, a small smile on her lips as she thinks of her baby girls and husband. It had been a few years since she'd given birth to the most recent bundle of joy, Sammy. Two year old Sammy and five year old Alyssia were quite the handful, but with Gardner, she somehow survived.

Getting out of the bed and waking to the living room, her smile grows at the sight she's greeted with. Gardner, in his mailman uniform, is on his knees, Lyssie on his back and Sammy being chased by the duo. Y/N crosses her arms and leans against the wall, deciding she'd rather watch her happy trio a bit longer.

Gardner wasn't the most outgoing person, but his girls got the most energy and attention any of his coworkers had ever seen him put into another human being.

As she thought about his change with becoming a father, her mind drifted further back down memory lane.

The shy, antisocial mailman sighed as he looked at the letters in his hands. He loved his job, he loved stamps, and he loved the routine of his route. Walking to the next house on said route, he noticed a woman sitting by the front door, a box in her lap and a worried look strewn across her features.

"Excuse me?" She spoke when he came into her vision. Her voice was sweet like honey, sending a chill down his spine.

"Yes?"

"Someone left this on my porch, but I'm afraid it's not the right address. I'd hate to have this package not reach it's rightful owner. Do you think you could deliver it?"

A small smirk met his face. What a decent citizen. He nodded and walked over to her to collect the box. However, he froze just as he approached, his face mere inches from her own. He gulped. What was this feeling?

She appeared to feel it too, the way her face flushed as she averted her gaze. They stood there for a few moments before she handed the mailman the box. "Thank you..."

"Gardner. And I'm assuming your name is..." he checked the envelope in his hand, the address reading the same as the one he was at currently, "Y/N?"

Her face flushed again before she nodded. "Yep, that's me."

That's when Gardner did something he never did. He handed Y/N her mail in person. The second their fingers touched, he felt a strange chill run over him, a shiver throughout his body. It wasn't an unpleasant shiver. Rather, it was one he wished to feel again.

"Thank you, Gardner."

With a nod, he turned to walk away. Before he made it past her fence line, he stopped and looked back, "Same time tomorrow?"

The seventeenth time, he'd been counting, that he dropped off her mail, she wasn't home. He'd started hand-delivering hers, just to feel that spark again. A part of him felt down. He couldn't experience it with her being gone, no, but that wasn't the only reason. He'd felt sad that his favorite stop on his route was nowhere to be found for the day. Dare he say, he missed her.

Hesitantly, Gardner stuffed the envelopes in her mailbox. He tried to stall for time, fiddling with his bag, resorting the letters he'd put in the box. Eventually, he realized she just wasn't there, and continued on his route. He cursed himself when he noticed how much time he'd wasted while on the job- he was never late, never missed a box, never forgot a letter. Was breaking his good streak for her really worth it...?

He thought back to that question when he kissed her for the first time. The answer? Yes. It was worth it all, and he'd gladly do it again.

"Hey you." Smiled Gardner. The moment he addressed her, their kiddies whipped around and ran towards their mother.

"Momma!!" They squealed with joy, and a little too much energy for such a lazy morning.

Regardless of her current state of conscious, she returned their smiles and lifted both of the girls up, one on each hip and a loving peck on each of their heads. Then came Gardner's "loving peck", to which the girls audibly complained about, eliciting chuckles from the couple.

Looking back, she's glad she collaborated with the neighbor to make a package that would give her the courage to talk to the cute mailman. After all, she got two beautiful girls and a loving husband out of it. Of course, Gardner lost it, laughing so hard he held his sides when he found out, and he hasn't stopped teasing her since.

[taito-division]

You weren’t probably expecting a late gift…at this hour no less.

Yet here it was- a gift for Eldrid delivered at around 11 pm. There’s a small note on top of the box.

To my darling wife

      I had hoped to get this too you before the new year…i suppose that some things just won’t go to plan! I really wish I didn’t have to send a sappy love letter, i wanted to be with you to ring in the new year but sadly I find myself stuck in New York for the remaining days of the year.

So instead I offer you a few gifts that made me think of you- and a few pictures in hopes that you don’t forget about me my warrior queen.

Forever yours

Kirumi 

Inside you find a big scarlet blanket with your name stitched into its fabric. It’s warm and fluffy!

You also find a pair of fingerless gloves that MMA fighters often wear. 

You also find a few pictures of the sights in New York City…along with a picture of Kirumi sitting in a recording booth with the words “wish you were here” written on the back.

As you look at your gifts you hear a knock at the door once more…Kirumi is standing there with a goofy grin on her face.

“I’m finally home…I see you got my gifts” she smiles before revealing a little bow around her neck.

“Guess you can say…your last gift is me”

Eldrid, at first was a bit skeptical when she found a strange, foreign package outside her apartment door. Especially a strange, foreign package outside her apartment door at freaking 11 P.M. at night! When she heard something being placed outside of her door, she was prepared to open a car of Japanese whoop-ass on whoever was on the other side. But whoever it was was smart enough to flee before Eldrid could get her hands on them. All they left behind was a box with no return address or anything.

At first, Eldrid was worried it was some a "present" delivered to her by a strange, obsessive fan. It certainly wouldn't be the first time Eldrid had her own personal 'Stan'. She could tell you stories about some of the crazed fans she's had over the years, but those were stories for another time. Picking the box up, the MMA fighter gave it a slight shake. It wasn't exactly light, but it was nowhere near heavy either. Looking at it, she sighed as she prepared herself for whatever was inside.

"I swear, if this some idiot's underwear again, I'm killing someone."

Opening it up, the MMA champion's eyes grew large at what was inside. Pulling out the blanket, the red-haired wrapped it around herself and grinned at how warm it was. And the gloves... Eldrid smiled as she was definitely going to get some use out of these tomorrow at the gym!

Looking back inside the box, Eldrid found a letter and read it. To say it made her smile would be an understatement as she folded it up, putting it in her back pocket.

"I ought to give her a call in the morning before I head to the gym."

Still smiling, Eldrid prepared to head off to sleep before hearing the door once more. Sighing, she opened it, and her eyes grew big for the second time that night as she gazed at the figure of her spouse standing in front of her apartment. Taking a second or two to get over her shock, the MMA fighter smirked as she scooped up Kirumi, holding her in a bridal position. With a kiss on her lips, the German/Japanese fighter gave the shorter woman a three-word sentence:

"Welcome home, love."

[shiningwonderland]

Cecil Aijima (Repeat)

Translator: Raz (Twitter: agnadance)

Proofreader: Sera (Twitter: serayagami)

Editors: Melanie (Twitter: melabonbon), Plaid (Twitter: cecillovemail)

QA: Rei: (Twitter: wolfe_raine)

June — Turn your Excitement into an A capella

It’s now June, the rainy season.

After I wake up, I check the date on my alarm clock to find that it's definitely June.

Haruka Nanami: June…

No matter how many times I look, nothing changes. It was April just two days ago. That means tomorrow is… July. 

A whole school term will end in an instant. Even though I finally got into Saotome Academy...

And I had decided to work so hard to become a professional composer…

Originally, I was supposed to go to school for just one year, but a sixth of it has already passed.

Time keeps slipping away and I can’t do anything about it… 

I have to do something… As quickly as possible…

Thunk.

I hear a sound from my mailbox.

Haruka Nanami: A package?

My cell phone won’t even connect…

The day Satan possessed the principal, the entirety of Saotome Academy was blocked off from the rest of the world.

Phones won’t connect and an invisible wall prevents us from going outside. I can’t even get in contact with my parents.

Cecil theorized that the principal had probably placed a barrier around the school before attempting to summon the goddess of music and that that was why the school is closed off from the outside world.

This was to prevent the worst-case scenario from happening in case he summoned something bad.

I think the barrier is working. However, Satan’s power is so strong that the outside world is also being influenced by his power.

Even so, to think that he put up a barrier beforehand… The principal really is amazing. He thought out all possible outcomes.

Maybe if I hadn’t been there and it had only been the principal, then maybe he would have been able to do something…

I have to keep trying…

Anyway, I need to collect the music sheets as quickly as possible and seal Satan.

Haruka Nanami: But before that, I have to see what I got in the mail.

I fearfully open the post box lid.

There's an envelope inside.

Haruka Nanami: I wonder who this is from? Maybe this is from Hyuga-sensei or Ittoki-kun…

I cut open the envelope.

But there is something unexpected inside the envelope…

Dear Haruka Nanami-sama,

I love you!

I can’t forget the first day I met you

and my heart keeps pining for you.

For so many nights, I haven’t been able to sleep.

These passionate urges keep piercing my heart.

My heart keeps screaming, "I want you!"

I can’t hold it in anymore.

If this letter reaches you,

then wait for me under the legendary apple tree.

I don’t want you to come with anybody.

Just come by yourself…

I will be waiting for you here

no matter how long it takes,

I'll be waaaiting~!

— Tokiya Ichinose

  Uuuuum…

Select the Phrase!

ラブレター？ Love letter? (+5 Love +0 Music)

It sure looks like one… But maybe it could be one of those pranks where it’s supposed to look like a love letter.

We haven’t even met each other that often; it doesn’t make sense that he would send me such a passionate letter.

On top of that, I’ve never received a love letter in my entire life.

I’m not even sure if this is supposed to be a love letter.

Kuppuru: This is a… trap. This letter… I feel Satan’s presence from it…

Kuppuru peeks at the letter as he spoke.

Kuppuru: You shouldn’t go.

He looks at me with a serious gaze.

Select the Phrase!

だったらなおさら If that’s so, then I should definitely go. (+25 Love +0 Music)

Haruka Nanami: I have to save him…

Kuppuru: Is that so... You have a point... But, you have feelings for…

Haruka Nanami: What?

Kuppuru: No… it’s nothing… 

Kuppuru: I can’t let you go alone. I will go with you.

Haruka Nanami: But… The letter said to come alone…

Kuppuru: I won’t let you go!! I don’t want to… let you go… Haruka… please kiss me…

He looks at me with pitiful eyes.

Select the Phrase!

止めないで Don’t stop me. (+25 Love +5 Music)

Kuppuru: You are kind, so I knew you would say that. But I don’t want to let you go.

Kuppuru: There is probably no reason… for this impulse. I’m just scared… That’s all…

Kuppuru: Please let me go with you… not in this form, but as Cecil. I want you to let me be at your side… Please… I beg of you…

Haruka Nanami: But… If I kiss you, Cecil-san won’t let me go. I’m sorry!

I turn my back to Kuppuru and run away.

There might be a chance that I can save him. I can't just ignore him!

Haruka Nanami: I wonder if Ichinose-san... is waiting for me...

When I arrive where the letter said to meet up, who I see isn't Ichinose-san but HAYATO-sama...

Haruka Nanami: Eh... HAYATO...sama... Why are you here?

HAYATO: That's... well... I... Tokiya Ichinose... am HAYATO himself.

I hear a loud gust.

A strong wind blows through and rustles our hair and clothes.

Haruka Nanami: The one... and the same? That... can't be... you're different people... You said that yourself...

HAYATO: Yes, I had to give you that excuse. I was hiding who I really was because it would’ve been bad if everyone knew.

Haruka Nanami: Is that… true…?

HAYATO: Yes. HAYATO is me. And HAYATO is the one you love.

HAYATO: Isn’t that so, Haruka Nanami-san?

HAYATO-sama smirks.

He never made such a wicked smile on TV…

HAYATO-sama… Is this Satan’s curse as well? I want him to return to normal as quickly as possible.

Haruka Nanami: … HAYATO-sama is…

Select the Phrase!

アイドルです An idol. (+0 Love +5 Music)

Haruka Nanami: HAYATO-sama sings and dances, and just seeing that brings me so much joy. He is just that amazing of an idol.

HAYATO-sama’s smile is like the sun, and…. And he has never made such a sinister face before…

Haruka Nanami: … so HAYATO-sama is Ichinose-san, and Ichinose-san is HAYATO-sama…

So the person in front of me is HAYATO-sama, and also Ichinose-san…

My mind goes blank with confusion.

HAYATO: You love HAYATO. Isn’t that true?

He places his hands on my shoulders from behind and whispers in my ear.

Haruka Nanami: Eh… uh... um…

HAYATO: Haruka-chan, I love you!

Haruka Nanami: ...!!!

H-HAYATO-SAMA!!!

W-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-what do I do!?

I need to calm down. Th-this is just a curse… Satan’s… the principal…

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

HAYATO: I want you to accept this. My love…

L-love!? Nonono. Nope! Nope!!! This is straight out of a dream!!

HAYATO: Why…? My love for you is deeper than music. Love me… more than music…

W-w-w-why? B-because… Ichinose-san is the S-class’s top student and…

He is an amazing person whose music and performance are perfect. HAYATO-sama is an extremely popular idol.

I-I’m just a failure of a student... And…

Ichinose-san would never say anything like this. He’s so cool, even when female students talk to him, he doesn’t give them special treatment.

He is more sincere about music than anybody… So… This is wrong… this is just wrong…

HAYATO: Now… I will become one with you…

His lips slowly approach mine.

Haruka Nanami: Uh... um…!!

I… I can’t!!

This is wrong. This isn’t how he really is. I don’t like this…

I love HAYATO-sama. I’ve always looked up to him, but this is so wrong.

Aaah… But I can’t look away. My body won’t move…

W-why?? Is this... Satan’s curse?

Kuppuru: Get away from her!!

Suddenly, Kuppuru lunges at Ichinose-san.

He then swiftly jumps onto my shoulder and comes close to my face…

Haruka Nanami: Ah… no…! Mm...!

He kisses me.

Cecil Aijima: I won’t let you have her!

Cecil-san blocks me with his shoulder to protect me.

... Cecil-san, is he angry?

Cecil-san is always so gentle, but now he is making such a scary face.

HAYATO: You won’t let me have her, you say…? I don’t think you have any say in the matter, though.

HAYATO: However, you got in the way… Just a little bit more and I would have…

HAYATO: You and her… Nanami-kun’s contract… If she were to kiss anyone else, that contract of yours would break, am I correct?

The contract would break with a kiss? Does that mean he was trying to break the contract between me and Cecil-san?

Haruka Nanami: The contract… would break?

HAYATO: Ahh, you didn’t know, did you? I said too much… But you cannot resist my kiss.

HAYATO: Your face earlier… You were unmistakably desiring me… HAYATO…

HAYATO: Yes, isn’t that right? Haruka-chan.

BA-DUMP!!

I know. I know he’s brainwashed by Satan, but…

Whenever HAYATO-sama smiles at me, my heart leaps out of my chest!

B-but a kiss… That moment, I faltered.

Even though I love and look up to HAYATO-sama so much, I…

Cecil Aijima: Silence! I won’t let you speak any further. She is my… my only… soulmate. My eternal Mana.

HAYATO: You seem desperate. You even look a bit pitiful to me. Ah, I see now.

HAYATO: How about we compete to see who can make her heart flutter first? We will see who can passionately romance her... Who would be loved…

HAYATO: Let’s have her decide herself. If you both really love each other, then my words shouldn’t reach her.

HAYATO: Isn’t that right? Or do you not have any confidence? You’re her so-called soulmate.

Cecil Aijima: Urgh…!!!

U-um… wait… What is he trying to start here?

A competition to make my heart flutter?

W-what!!

Ichinose-san is HAYATO-sama, he’s so admirable and…

Cecil-san is… Cecil-san is… my…

HAYATO: Then I will go first.

He stands between me and Cecil-san and grabs me by the arm and pulls me towards his chest.

Haruka Nanami: Eh…!?

HAYATO: Hey, do you remember the first day we met? You called me HAYATO-sama.

Ah… That’s right, I saw Ichinose-san at the entrance ceremony and mistook him for HAYATO-sama.

B-but, at that time he said he was his twin, but he really is the one and the same.

But why? HAYATO-sama is already an idol.

Why would he want to become an idol again…?

HAYATO: I pretended to be calm then, but I was actually flustered. You were just so cute.

Haruka Nanami: C-cute!!! I-I-I’m not that cute at all! Aaah, I’m so happy even if you’re just saying that!

Wait, noooo!

This is Satan’s curse and the actual person isn’t thinking that at all! There’s no way he’s thinking that!

I have to run away. I… My heart can’t take it.

But… When Ichinose-san looks at me, my head gets all fuzzy and my body becomes limp.

Is this the charm of a super idol? I can’t… run away…

Aaaaaaah… I know that I have to resist… But...

HAYATO: I knew you liked HAYATO from the start. I always wanted to gaze upon you.

HAYATO: The moment I saw you, I fell in love.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! H-HAYATO-sama… This can’t be real…

N-now he looks like HAYATO-sama but HAYATO-sama is Ichinose-san and…

Ichinose-san is usually very calm and would never say something like that…

Ah, but, HAYATO-sama… He is everybody’s idol and would say this on TV for fan-service…

My head explodes.

My brain… short-circuits... Smoke billows from my head…

Right at that moment…

Cecil-san puts his hand on my shoulder and pulls me away from Ichinose-san. Then…

Cecil Aijima: Haruka. My sweetheart. You are my light.

Cecil-san kneels before me and takes my hand.

Cecil Aijima: You give me a reason to live. You are my entire life. Please give me your love…

He kisses the back of my hand and looks at me with watery eyes.

So… So lovely…

Once he does that, Ichinose-san hugs me from behind.

HAYATO: You… Only you understand my loneliness. I want to push the boundaries of music. I cannot sing earnestly unless it is your music.

HAYATO: Haruka… Save me… Please release me from this darkness.

He whispers in my ear, releases his hold, and looks at me straight on.

HAYATO: Only you can do that. So please… I love you.

There is sincerity in his eyes. I don’t really feel like he’s lying to me.

He is in pain. He is stricter on himself than anybody else and he deeply loves music more than anybody else.

Such a person is pleading for me to save him. If I could help him, I would, but…

HAYATO: So… kiss me…

Ichinose-san closes his eyes and his lips draw closer.

I-I’m going to be kissed at this rate…

Cecil Aijima: You can’t…

Suddenly Cecil’s arm reaches out and holds onto me.

Cecil Aijima: Don’t be fooled by him… He is fake… He’s not his true self.

Haruka Nanami: But… What should I do…

Cecil Aijima: Convey your feelings in song.

Select the Phrase!

そうか音楽なら…  I see. If it’s music… (+25 Love +5 Music)

When I say that, Cecil-san smiles.

Cecil Aijima: Let’s release him. If his love for music is real, there is something better than words to convey your feelings.

Cecil Aijima: You, too… together…

Haruka Nanami: Y-yes.

Speak not words but sing love from the heart.

To convey with “music.”

We meld our voices and sing together.

It’s so mysterious; this is the first time we've sung together, but our voices meld so well that it feels nice. It even feels nice.

It doesn’t feel awkward at all. The pleasurable harmony passes through my ears and reaches into my heart. 

When we finish, Ichinose-san applauds us.

His eyes are still blank, and only his hands are moving stiffly.

HAYATO: Song… the true... It touches my heart… … music… this is… song… Song’s… true quality… I…

Ichinose-san is wavering? Maybe Satan’s curse on him is breaking.

Haruka Nanami: Ichinose-san! ... HAYATO-sama! I love your music!

Haruka Nanami: You are always so direct and you pursue music so seriously. Isn’t that true?

Haruka Nanami: If that’s not true, there’s no way you can sing that way! Let’s… take back our songs! You can’t be defeated by Satan!

Haruka Nanami: If this keeps up, music will disappear from our world. Are you okay with that?!

HAYATO: Song… music… Once more… Ah… AAAAAAARGH!

Ichinose-san screams with all his might. He is probably fighting the evil in his heart.

Then… A black cloud emerges from Ichinose-san’s body and disappears.

HAYATO: Ha… ha… ha… I… cannot throw music away… I have to… take music back…

Cecil Aijima: Haruka. Now is the time.

Haruka Nanami: Yes!

Cecil-san and I put our hands together and place them over Ichinose-san’s chest.

Cecil Aijima: Muse, give us your blessing…

Haruka Nanami: The melody of the wandering goddess.

Cecil Aijima: Show us your true form!

A swirl of light overflows from Ichinose-san’s body and takes form.

Musical notes of light float in the air.

The musical notes line up and shine brightly.

A sheet of music takes form.

HAYATO: A music sheet… What is this? What was I doing right up until now…

Haruka Nanami: Thank goodness, the curse broke.

HAYATO: Curse? Wha— Why am I wearing HAYATO’s outfit…

Haruka Nanami: Um… you were cursed by the king of the demons, Satan.

HAYATO: … I see. A curse you say… That is illogical, but it seems like it’s the truth.

We explain the situation to Ichinose-san, lead Ichinose-san to the secret base where Ittoki-kun is, and return to the dorms.

Haruka Nanami: I’m glad… we obtained the music sheet.

Even though we managed to retrieve the second music sheet, Cecil-san looks displeased and hangs his head.

Haruka Nanami: Cecil... san.

I look at Cecil-san’s face and he suddenly embraces me.

Cecil Aijima: You are… You are my one and only soulmate.

Cecil Aijima: My irreplaceable, one and true, honest love.

Haruka Nanami: U-um… the competition is over…

Cecil Aijima: That’s not it! I’m serious... I really, truly…

Cecil Aijima: I won’t let anybody touch you. I love you so much it’s maddening.

Cecil Aijima: Please do not let your lips touch anybody else’s but mine.

Haruka Nanami: Ah, yes, if the contract breaks, that would be a problem… I will be more careful from now on.

Cecil Aijima: No… that’s… not what I meant… If your lips were taken by somebody else… My heart would be torn asunder and I would perish.

His arms tighten around me. Cecil-san embraces me tightly, as if he's clinging to me.

Haruka Nanami: Cecil-san…

Cecil Aijima: … I’m sorry… I… got distressed…

Cecil Aijima: The way you laid your eyes on him… I couldn’t bear to watch… So I forcefully kissed you.

Cecil Aijima: Even though I decided to wait for you… and not kiss you until you loved me back… I could not contain my urge.

Cecil Aijima: I’m… so sorry. You were so against kissing him as well.

Cecil Aijima: I did the same thing to you. I am… deeply sorry.

As he says that, he sheds many tears.

Haruka Nanami: Eh!? U-um… don’t cry… It’s fine…

Haruka Nanami: I'm... not used to kissing, so I don’t want to do it so casually but… I’m not mad, considering the situation.

Cecil Aijima: Really…?

Haruka Nanami: Yes. You were trying to save me that time…

Cecil Aijima: Haruka… Thank you. My beloved. My sweetheart.

Haruka Nanami: Cecil-san…

It’s been three days since I met Cecil-san. Why does this person love me so much?

While I am fascinated by him, I have difficulty gauging how much distance to put between us.

Mini Game

After yesterday’s pop quiz, Hyuga-sensei told me, “Do this when you have time,” and handed me a CD with a program for learning how to write lyrics.

There was a memo attached to the CD that said, “Even though it’s rough right now, try your best.”

Haruka Nanami: … Sensei, thank you. I will use this as best as I can.

Haruka Nanami: Let’s see… “Complete the lyrics to the following song,” it says.

I have never written lyrics before. So I am a bit nervous… I wonder if I can do it…

Haruka Nanami: Ah, I don’t have to write all of it. If that’s the case, maybe I can do it.

Haruka Nanami: Okay, I’ll give it a try.

S Rank

Cecil Aijima: A thousand words do not compare to one, single song. Your composition and your heart’s voice—I can’t help but love everything about you.

He nimbly reaches his arms around me from behind and embraces me.

Haruka Nanami: Ce... Cecil-san…

Since when…? I was so engrossed in the lyrics that I didn’t notice him.

I wonder if Cecil-san writes lyrics? I’ll ask him later.

Chapter End

[jodilin65]

WEDNESDAY, MAY 31, 1995 Not much to report at this time. I was watching TV, then I layered my bangs. Now I’m gonna hang out here in my room and read so I can hear if that weirdo starts hammering so I can jump on the phone and give him a piece of my mind.

I went another 24 hours with no Theodur last Sunday. I hope they call soon, though, about setting a time to see Dr. Rauche. Or Roushe. Or however the hell you spell it.

I spoke to Andy at his new apartment. Diana read the little journal I wrote to him for his birthday last February.

Tomorrow night Andy and Diana are going to see Melissa Ethridge in concert, then they’ll be stopping over here to get their stuff. I mean Andy’s soaps, the Judds movie, the backup edit tapes, and the pad I wrote this year’s horoscopes in.

Later…

No hammering at all last night as I finished my library book.

The red van of theirs is there, so if Lenore and the kids went to Idaho, they didn’t go in the van. Personally, I wouldn’t trust that piece of shit outside of Phoenix. Also, I think I may have heard one of those kids wailing.

As Tom was leaving for work this horrible smell of rotten eggs woke me up just as I was knocking off. The cooler does that when the water gets stale, but I said, that’s impossible! He just put the cleaner in that takes away that smell. Then when I came out of my room I realized it was coming from the bathroom, so I thought he had a serious stomach problem. Later he told me he treated the clogged drain.

I wonder if we’ll screw around today. For some reason, I doubt it. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was too tired to screw and only wanted to go down there which is fine, but I’m not stupid, either. We didn’t screw around yesterday either, and the opportunity was there, too. I have a feeling that we won’t be screwing until this weekend. It’s his choice, though. He says we can have a kid, we want a kid and we don’t have to wait. Well, it takes two to make a baby, so he’ll just have to put his actions where his mouth is.

Got a letter from Andy and Diana today which she wrote. It was cool and she has nice handwriting. Andy said I could send her a letter and she’ll write back.

No package from mom and dad yet. I was right in sensing it wouldn’t come today.

I was also right, unfortunately, on sensing I’d have to tape Andy’s soaps tomorrow and Friday, too. The cable guy fucked up.

I had a weird, yet wonderful memory last night. It’s not that it’s something I forgot all about. I just hardly ever remember it. I believe I was 9 and it was definitely the summer I went to the first of the two camps I got kicked out of in Maine. The second one was Camp Meadowlark, but this was Camp Naomi. The memories are very vague, few, and quick. There was this one camp counselor that I was special to. She was probably somewhere in her 20s back then. I don’t even remember her name, but for some reason, the name Robin comes to mind. I can’t see her face or any of her in detail. If I had to guess, though, I’d say she was thin, average height, medium complexion, with brown eyes and hair. Her hair was maybe shoulder length and she may have had a plain face.

I may have had a vague memory of playing volleyball when she was around. I’m not sure. I’m not sure how many times I saw her.

I stood in a rectangular cabin. There were about two rows on opposite sides of the two longer walls with maybe 8-10 beds on each side. I remember stealing the barrette that belonged to the girl in the bed next to me. That was one of the reasons I got kicked out. I’m sure it was mainly cuz I was the hyper, obnoxious, little rebellious kid I usually was. I hated camp.

One night, though, I guess most of us kids were having trouble sleeping, including me. I remember lots of coughing going on, so maybe some kids had colds. Then there she was by my bed telling me, “Go to sleep before I kiss you all over” (not sexual of course; just playful). She might have said something about tickling me, too.

The next thing I remember, I was taken to her cabin. It was very small with 2 twin beds and a little kitchenette. I’m not sure if there was a bathroom in there, but there probably was, and a shower stall, too. She had a medium-sized dog. A mutt with 2 or 3 colors of brown. All I really remember is talking her to sleep. We were laying on our beds that were a few feet apart and I was yacking away as usual. I remember she fell asleep, then I guess I did right after.

The next morning, I think she cooked us breakfast. Maybe bacon and eggs. I think this was also the day my dad would be picking me up.

The last memory I have of her is of us in the woods with her dog. I remember being amazed at how she’d hide and the dog would always find her. Then she said, “I’ve got a present for you.”

It was a Polaroid of the dog. I ditched it when I was around 22, though.

Then I think I was waiting nervously for my dad, knowing how pissed and disappointed at me he’d be. I think I was alone with her and I might have said something like, “What am I gonna do till my dad arrives?”

She might have picked me up and spun me in the air playfully and said, “You’re gonna stay with me!”

We were outside by the office, possibly sitting on a bench or wherever. Then she was crying as Dad drove up and I got in the car and was gone.

Throughout the years I always got the feeling that if at that second no one ever wanted to have anything to do with me, she would’ve taken me in and been so good to me as I grew up. I would’ve been good, too. I always respected those who were good to me and therefore stayed out of trouble.

To the best of my knowledge, this woman wasn’t married and had no kids. I have no idea what she did regularly or where she lived. Did she live in Maine or some other New England state? For all I know she could be living right here in Phoenix. I thought about trying to look for her shortly after I went out on my own, but I wouldn’t have known where to begin.

Who was she? Why was I so special to her? Did I remind her of someone? Why did she treat me so well when no one else there wanted to deal with me or even acknowledge my existence? Does she ever think of me and wonder who, what, and where I am today? I guess I’ll never know.

TUESDAY, MAY 30, 1995 Tom and I had fun swimming after he came home and ate, but we didn’t screw around.

Where in the world has Alex been? I guess he’s busy with the move to Vermont cuz I haven’t heard from him by AOL in a couple of weeks. Since we had our last live chat anyway.

I’m kind of sunburned today. So even though the pool is at a very comfy temperature in the mid-80s, I’m gonna take a break from being out in the sun for a couple of days.

I forgot to mention a couple of past events. Last Sunday Tom attached the mirror that goes to the vanity table. He did a great job. It’s nice and sturdy and stands perfectly upright.

Also, Andy’s become good friends with his neighbor Pam, who’s on disability. He’s really changed with time. Even he admits that he was very selfish and insensitive the first year or two after we met up. Back then, I’d be wary about discussing a headache with him, knowing he’d freak out about it. But now, I could talk to him about anything and he’d listen and try to cheer me up. A lot of people are afraid of stuff they don’t know about or understand and he was afraid of those with disabilities, be it physical or mental, but now he’s not so afraid and paranoid. There are always gonna be Ellies and Frans out there, but he knows not all people on SS or SSI are fucked up. Here’s the funny part of it, though. When we first met up, he called my mother and asked her if he should be afraid I’d go after him with a knife or something like that. Well, he said to me regarding Pam, “I didn’t even call her mother to ask if she were dangerous or anything like that!”

I just got done recording his soaps for today and am gonna tape them again tomorrow. Hopefully, the cable will then be set up, as he was told it would be. He’s already got his new number which is easy to remember.

As for the games we got off of AOL, there are some really cool ones. We got more for his parents that I don’t like, like crossword games and cryptograms.

Here are the ones which he put in my world which are really growing. I mean, when I first got into this computer I had only about 4 things in my world. There’s a kitty puzzle, a connect the dot game, and a telephone game where you make words out of the numbers on the phone pad. There’s also a sliding number game where you have to put numbers in order from 1-15 on a square board. Meaning, 3 rows of 4 numbers, then the 13, 14 & 15 on the bottom. I also have a quilt game where you have to match a sample quilt design. Lastly, concentration games which I’ve always liked. One of them is with a deck of cards. Another is with colors that you have to match.

Guess what next door was doing on and off last night from 12:30 to about 2:00 in the morning? Hammering away. I wasn’t pissed cuz I was awake, and if I’d been asleep, the fan would’ve drowned it out, but that’s really rude! It was distracting, though, cuz I was trying to read, but I was mainly worried and pissed off for Tom. He did get woken up but said it was no big deal cuz it’d be only once in a blue moon that he’d be hammering at that hour. (I hope!) He said he thinks the wife and kids split to Idaho and this is why he’s catching up on home repair. That makes sense cuz you can’t get much done or accomplished with kids around. I know they practically never sleep, but that’s still really rude and selfish. I don’t know if they’ve gone to Idaho, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they did and if it was him that was hammering. You see, I never felt that Lenore didn’t care about others’ peace around them; it’s him that’s like most others. He just doesn’t give a damn about those around him. I could always tell that from certain statements. Like when he said the kids might get noisy. And when Lenore said that she told Dean she was worried he’d wake the street up by pounding on the piano in the middle of the night, and when the kids said in their letter to me, Dad keeps opening the windows on the side by our house. Anyway, if it doesn’t happen again, it’s no big deal. If he pounds away tonight then yes, I’m gonna call over there for Tom’s sake, cuz I know Tom would never do shit about it no matter how many nights he was woken up or how pissed he got. If he won’t take care of any problems dumped on him, his loving wife will. I’ve met lots of childless people who were selfish and only cared about themselves, but it seems that people with kids are much worse for the most part. They think that just cuz they have kids, they own the world. They can do anything, and to hell with anyone affected by it.

We screwed around yesterday and like I said before, I made it clear to him that my “middle” was around the 31st and the 1st, so we’ll see if he conveniently avoids me. I was thinking of confusing him for the July period so he’d be thrown off as to when my middle would be then, but then I thought about it. I then realized it doesn’t matter where I am in my cycle. If he doesn’t cum, there’s no way for me to get pregnant if I can. So I said, fuck it. If he really wants a kid, he’ll cum. He’ll either never do so, or he will when he’s ready if he’s truly holding back. What are my guesses as to why he’s holding back? Well, they don’t go with what he’s said at all, but you never really do know if someone’s bullshitting you just to make you happy. Meaning, maybe he doesn’t want one but doesn’t have the heart to tell me and so he says he does want one. Maybe he really doesn’t think I’d be a good mom. Maybe he does fear for me physically and mentally the same way I do. Meaning, about the lack of sleep, the stress, the pain, etc. I know he’s capable of being jealous, so that could be it too, as well as the stuff we’re planning to do, the job change, and shit like that. It could be money. It could be a lot of things he doesn’t tell me, or that he tells me the exact opposite of.

I have a plan that I may have mentioned before that I’m thinking of starting to put into action. I’ll do it around July 1st, plus this is also what he claims will help him. Well, it’ll be hard for me to get used to, but I’ll omit all talk about cumming and having a kid and see if there’s a change in a couple of months or so. I have a very bad feeling, though. One that tells me nothing will ever change with him no matter what I do or do not say. I love this man and I don’t want to leave him, but the more months that pass with no changes makes me wonder what’s really going through his mind about everything and anything. I know the sayings like, life is full of false promises and people don’t always do what they say they’re gonna do, but if I find out for sure, or have a strong sense that he deliberately lied and led me on about a kid or other stuff, it’s gonna make me do some thinking. It would be the point of the matter that may have me thinking about our being together. I hope to God it never comes to that for either of us, but what else would I do or think? When I see that nothing will change month after month as I fear will be the case, what do I do? Stay cuz of how wonderful everything else is? Or leave and call him a head player and a liar? I’d like to think that I’ll be able to say to myself when this time comes, OK, he was never serious about cumming and having that kid, but no one’s perfect. At least all his other qualities are wonderful, if not, almost wonderful, and it’s not worth going off the deep end over and walking away from him. He has given me so much and has taken care of me in so many different ways be it chatting with me, caring for me when I’m sick, and the way he keeps food in this house and buys me journals and stuff like that. All stuff he could say he doesn’t care to buy or to take me to buy. He could’ve never bought me anything, kept barely two bites of food around, pushed me away when I wanted to talk, and never given a damn when I got sick or never dealt with my ear surgery.

I’ve reached the final straw with these mailmen and I called the PO today. I said I’m sick of having mail I sent returned to me that I know isn’t too thick or heavy. And I’m also sick of getting next door’s mail, and I know our mail’s gone elsewhere too. He said he’ll take care of it. Let’s hope so. I know that Irene W would return to us anything that looked important, and she has. I would think Lenore would too, but I don’t know about Dean or any other households.

I got a letter from Bob today and in it, he enclosed a small envelope that he addressed to me and put a stamp on. Well, the PO put a message on it saying something about the envelope not being of standard size. So, I tore the stamp off and put it on an envelope addressed to Kim with another stamp we had here. I put his remaining edit pages in it with a note to her about the problem and asked her to mail it to him. I know she’ll do me the favor and I can count on her. She also sent me a letter today. Deerfield has a new rule and that is that they don’t return letters to the sender that has postage due. In other words, if I send Kim a letter where there’s postage due, she has to pay for it.

MONDAY, MAY 29, 1995 The ultrasound I went for didn’t take too long, but I won’t know anything about that or anything else till next week.

I forgot to mention something Dr. Rugg said when she asked me about birth control. I said I wasn’t on any and that Tom didn’t cum. Then she said, “He doesn’t want to?” Then, “Or can’t he?”

Now, why would her first choice be to suggest he didn’t want to?

Something else also crossed my mind the other day for the first time, too. If he has a block about cumming, then why not a block on getting hard, too? He told me he’s relieved by wet dreams which are fine. We all have them. However, it’s a little insulting that that’s his #1 source of relief. Aside from having a kid, I wish he’d show me how much he appreciates me in bed here and there.

I still feel led on and teased about having a kid, but it’s his choice. If he really wants one, he’ll just have to cum, cuz despite what he says or Kim says, I still believe he has total control over it.

Other than that, we’ve had a fun day. We were swimming. We filmed that as well as Piggy swimming. It was really cool to see.

Andy and his roommate Diana brought the chair over. I’m wondering now if that wasn’t a big mistake. The back room’s never gonna be organized and there’s no room for it. Tom did clear out the little room out back, though, so now he’s got more room to work on stuff with. The couch is still here, and that being picked up by Goodwill has been put off like everything around here seems to be.

Tom says that unless he’s got a job interview, he’s gonna get business licenses this Thursday or Friday. Yeah, right! This I’ve got to see.

A movie’s going on soon that I want to see, so I’ll write more later.

Later…

I decided I’d write some more while the movie’s recording. I now only have two more journals to type up.

Last week I recorded myself singing a handful of songs to no music. Tom liked The Sweetest Gift the best. I wasn’t surprised. Nor was I when he said that I sing traditional country the best.

A tune to the song I wrote The Strangers Are Waiting flew into my head. I called Dad and sang a few lines to him cuz I wanted to see if it sounded familiar like a rip-off of some other song. He and Tom say it doesn’t sound familiar.

Dad also says a package is on its way.

Kim called a few days ago, too. She said it took Doug an hour and a half one night to cum. Still doesn’t make me feel any more confident that Tom will change no matter how much he says he can’t cum and he wants a kid. Before I continue on with my chat with Kim, I asked Tom if my telling him not to cum would make him go the other way and cum. His answer didn’t surprise me. He said, no, pressure to cum or to not cum would still keep him from cumming.

Kim says Doug’s finally found out who’s been sending him those crazy letters and she’s gonna leave him believing what he believes for now. He said he saw some ditzy-looking longhaired blond girl by his PO Box. He says she’ll now probably realize that the guy who last had that PO Box doesn’t anymore (he thinks she’s trying to write to the guy who previously had that PO Box). She said he almost threw the letters in her car. Too bad he didn’t, but Kim said he’d probably keep the letters forever.

Kim also says she got a letter out to me and is gonna send me a picture of her hair. She’s got something in it I can’t understand, that’s supposedly a big trend. She said something about sending directions on how to do it. Lastly, she took pictures of her apartment while we were on the phone that she’ll be sending.

Tom downloaded us some really cool games from AOL, but I’ll get into that later.

FRIDAY, MAY 26, 1995 Going for that ultrasound today at 2:00. Gotta start drinking as much as I can at 1:00.

Yesterday I broke a record for the first time since 1989. I went for 24 hours with no Theodur! I’m gonna see about doing that every other day, if not daily till I see Dr. Rauche.

Two days ago, on Wednesday, I finally got my first puzzle book from my subscription.

I’ll catch up with lots more writing later!

THURSDAY, MAY 25, 1995 I am so backed up and have so much to write about, so I better get with it. I just went to change Piggy’s cage so Tom would have one less thing to do. Well, he had drilled the holes on the sides a bit too close to the edges and it ripped through. So, I had to kind of tape the side together that you remove to scoop the sawdust out. We’ll have to get longer brackets on and drill new holes further in.

Now, about the stuff we got last Saturday. If I can remember everything, Tom got a couple of things that he put on the block wall to wind the hoses up onto, a new sprinkler, and I think that’s pretty much all he got. He may have gotten a few other things for the yard. We also got a new lounge chair, seeing that the one I’ve been using finally gave out. It’s a really pretty floral one of cloth and not plastic. It’s even got arms on it and is in between a piece of shit and top-of-the-line. I got an adhesive ashtray and why I put it on the left arm when I’m right-handed, beats me. We also got drink holders that you stick in the dirt in the ground or at the beach. They have skinny metal poles and plastic holders on top for cans of soda. We got a white one and a blue one.

I got a puzzle of puppies and a new binder. I think that’s all we got.

Can you believe that Tom finally got the vanity table from Mary’s house? At first, I was like - where the hell am I gonna put this thing? I did manage, though, to fit it into my room without having to rearrange too much stuff. The dresser was at the foot of the bed by the two windows in the front and I moved that to the side of the bed in between the two closets. That’s where I put the vanity table which is nicer than I thought, even though we’re gonna strip the old ugly off-white paint which is peeling, and repaint it. It has a huge mirror and we’ve got to find a way to attach that, too. Its bench which is the shape of a rectangle had a red cloth seat with 6 tacky patches on it of blue with corny flowers. I took an old floral skirt with a torn waistband and cut it to fit on it. Then I tacked it on the sides and it looks so much better. I had had a couple of those plastic shelves where I moved the dresser and I took those out of the room altogether. It’s so convenient to do my makeup with this thing. It’s got 6 little drawers and I’ve got stuff in it like makeup, hair stuff, and other odds and ends.

Today’s Tammy and Bill’s 9th anniversary, so I called them. She told me Mom and Dad sent them a flag, wind chimes, and something about Noah’s ark. I wouldn’t be too surprised if she sent us a flag for our anniversary.

I went to the doctor’s yesterday for a female exam and sure enough, it’s never been easier after having sex with a guy. When they do the swab, that’s uncomfortable no matter what size woman you are or how sensitive you are. All looked fine except for a little inflammation on the cervix. She said that’s normal for some people and don’t worry about it. I don’t think I’ll have to take anything for yeast or any kind of infection, but I’ll be notified about it soon either way. She didn’t feel any spooky lumps down there or in my tits. She said the Theodur plays a part in aggravating my tits as well as the gas in the lower right quadroon as they call it.

She’s a primary care doctor and she was really nice with a great sense of humor that makes you feel comfortable right away. Her name is Dr. Rugg and she was about in her mid-30s. She was 5’ 10” with medium-long curly blond hair. She was between average and a little above average in looks.

When I said how I hated to go for these kinds of exams, she said, “I know how it is. I have a crotch, too.”

She did say she’s known DES daughters who’ve had kids and that infertility wasn’t the issue as much as with cancerous cells.

So, then we got to discussing asthma. When I told her the meds I’ve been on now since 1989, she said that was an old fashion way of treating asthma. Then I said I’ve been hearing that a lot lately. So she said there’s a guy there who was willing to see me that knows all about asthma. If it weren’t for my seeing how good Dr. Nielsen is, I’d have been skeptical, even though they’re different kinds of doctors. I told her that between coming to AZ and the Phase-Out system, my lungs have never been better and that my goal is to somehow cut down or get off the Theodur completely and just take inhalers as needed. So, she said to leave the Proventil and Theodur alone for now and take an inhaler called Aerobid instead of the Azmacort cuz it’s supposed to be much much more potent. She said it’s better to put the medicine right into your lungs where the problem is, rather than to deal with it with pills. From what she told me, I guess they usually take someone that’s taking 300mg twice daily and have them just take it once before bed. I’ve taken the Aerobid twice so far and I do believe I already feel better. I last took my Theodur 14 hours ago and I don’t feel like I need it at all and I’m gonna see if I can just take it before bed tonight. I don’t mean to be playing my own doctor here, but I don’t see how that can hurt me to experiment with that till I see Dr. Rauche. Lastly, I’ll be going tomorrow for an ultrasound to make sure that it is really only a gas problem I’ve been having down in my lower gut.

So this means two more appointments, but very worth it to me if it’s gonna save time, money, and worry in the future, then that’s what counts. I’d love to get off the Theodur and have my 95% sure feeling confirmed that it is just a gas problem and no tumors. I’m sure, though, that if it was a tumor, I’d not only sense it, but I’d have more pain and symptoms.

MONDAY, MAY 22, 1995 We had a great weekend, but I’m so tired right now that I don’t know if I’ll write much.

My longest journals are the ones from when I first began writing. In my first year and a half or so of writing, I had few journals go 6-9 months.

Saturday Tom worked for a few hours, then he came home for an hour with lunch from Jack-in-the-Box. Then he went to the races with his parents.

Yesterday was a busy yet fun day, but first, I made it loud and clear that I’m due for my next period to Tom the day before our anniversary. The 14th. Therefore, it’s easy to remember that’ll it’ll be around June 1st that it’ll be my more than likely time to conceive (if I can). Well, the point is, a little test. I want to see if Tom happens to be too tired on those particular days, regardless of how much he says he wants it and doesn’t want to wait.

SUNDAY, MAY 21, 1995 Man, oh man, am I fucking pissed! I set the timer to record a movie I really wanted to see and fucked up on it. From now on, if I’m not available to watch or record something I want to see while it’s on - forget it. I’m a major grub right now who desperately needs a shower, so I’ll return here later.

FRIDAY, MAY 19, 1995 Yesterday my dad returned to Florida. I’m sure he’s very pleased to be back home.

I feel better, as I usually do after getting my period which I got on Wednesday.

Today’s supposed to be 100º. I believe this is our first 100º day of the year. We’ve been having a mild summer so far. We usually have 100º days beginning in April. Sometimes even in March.

Alex and I still exchange email by AOL and we’ll probably chat live once a month. I sent a letter to Larry and them guys which they should get today. I asked if they have Prodigy or AOL. For the hell of it, I oughta look them up and the M’s next door, too. That may not do me any good, though, if they’re using screen names.

One of the straps on the halter Ma sewed on is too high, so I’ll have to have her adjust it. She said it would be no problem if I needed it adjusted.

Tom put a new word search thing in my world but I can’t figure the whole deal out. There’s a thing to make your own puzzles, but I can’t figure out how to do it. It says to hit a certain button I can’t find.

Can’t think of anything else right now, so I guess I’ll go work on my story. I also have my library book to read, as well as my medley to continue with.

Later…

It’s a real bummer that I’m tired now cuz in a few days I have that appointment. I have to push it as late as I can.

I was laying out, and the lounge chair isn’t gonna hold up much longer. I hope we can get a new one this year, as well as that bee thing. Like I said, that’s one of the few things that really annoys me about Tom. True, he has to work full-time, but I still say part of it is all him hoping he can “make” me patient.

Another thing that slows him down from doing stuff and throwing stuff into place is the fact that he’s got so much stuff. Mainly stuff he’ll never use that just sits there and hogs up space. I can bet you that when we get new lounge chairs, he’ll keep these ripped-up old rusty ones here hogging up space.

I just wish he wouldn’t kid us both. He wants to go into business, he’s got plans for my singing soon enough, we’re gonna have a kid… Yeah, right! My ass we are! The cigarette machine was supposed to be done eons ago. I can go through and list a million different things he’s said that either never get done or only get partially done. And why do the back room? He’ll only trash it again a week later. None of this makes me love him any less, but I’m sick of it!

I wonder if there have been new people living across the street. A month or two after the heavy metal music vanished, he did, too. Then came a new security door (the kind we want) and other new decorations. However, that old, ugly, pitifully obnoxious van is still in the back of the driveway where it has been for a long time now.

Off goes Daddy next door to work now for 12-18 hours. I wonder what he does.

Nah, that might have been the car on the other side of him or the pig across the street two houses away from the music house, cuz it doesn’t sound loud enough. Plus, I think he leaves at 8:30.

Anyway, Tom’s being a slob and having so much stuff is another positive to not having the kid I know we’re not gonna have. I wouldn’t want the kid to take after that. I mean, that’d teach it to totally be messy and unorganized. Also, we have enough stuff to put away or up high on shelves. There’s no way I could keep any kid out of all this stuff.

In his room this morning I was asking him how come he had grocery lists from 20 years ago all over and he said, “Cuz I don’t have time to throw them out.”

Oh, a big two-second loss of his precious time! Yet he thinks he has time to go into business and have a kid? No wonder the guy won’t let himself cum. I agree with him and Kim about part of his not cumming being out of his control, but I still say that’s 5% of it. He can cum just fine.

THURSDAY, MAY 18, 1995 There really hasn’t been much going on to chat about right now. I’m gonna finish typing 78 tonight.

Good God. I swear that guy next door works way the hell over 40 hours a week. Where does he find the time to keep getting his wife pregnant? He just came in. What a life, though, with so many kids. Probably nothing but home and kids for her and work for him.

Later…

Just got done watching a movie and Tom’s now getting ready for work.

I finished typing and printing out 78. Now I’ll begin 80.

Last night I began redoing a medley of my favorite songs. I’ll keep working on it.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 17, 1995 Why do I always miscount when I'm due for my period? I wasn't due yesterday, I'm due today. After this period, I'll be getting the next one the day before our anniversary. Lucky me, huh?

There's nothing new to discuss now, so bye for now.

TUESDAY, MAY 16, 1995 I was due for my period today, but so far it's been all cramps and no period. I hate that.

Be back to write more later.

MONDAY, MAY 15, 1995 This will definitely be the last huge journal I’ll get. I still like it. It’s just a little awkward to write in. Especially when I lay in bed.

A few nights ago I puked. Thankfully it wasn’t much and I only puked once. I was nauseous, though, for a few hours before and after. Tom helped calm me down and what he told me sure has had me feeling much better. You see, I told myself that if I don’t talk about a kid it may help him get off (this is what he says, but I don’t believe he’ll ever get off either way). The bad side of that, though, is that it gets all bottled up. I didn’t want to talk about it, though, cuz I didn’t want him to feel pressured.

Then he finally said, “Look. We can’t have you sick, so talk about it all you want. I don’t want you keeping it in and bottling it up any more than I would with any other issue.”

This has made me feel so much better. It’s actually made me even think of a kid less often. Sure, I still want one, however, I still do have my fears about it, love to sing, and do all my other hobbies and there’s no fucking way I can be a day person every day. The way I see it, though, is we’ll probably never be able to have one, but it’s good to know I can still discuss it. Especially when I know that not discussing it isn’t gonna magically change things.

He brought the computer over to his parents today and he brought back my halter-top. She put straps on it and did a great job.

I didn’t know the Judds movie was a two-parter, but it is. I saw part one. It was great.

As for Norah’s movie - all her clothes are pitiful, cuz it’s set in the early 1900s, but she really doesn’t look bad at all. Her hair’s not too long, but it isn’t short. It’s about shoulder length. All her movies are so boring, except for The Guardian. I love to watch her, though, and I’ve got lots more to see. Tom did a fine job cutting commercials so they’d fit.

I finished the puzzle and taped it. I’ll put it up on the kitchen wall tomorrow.

Gotta see Dr. Nielsen tomorrow.

Later…

Dr. Nielsen’s appointment went great. It looks so healthy, that it’s even producing wax. So, he cleaned out a few flakes of dead skin and now I don’t have to go back till August 14th! Then, 6 months after that, which will be 1996, then a year after that which will be 1997. Tom was right about it all. He’s right about everything except saying things will be done or happen at certain times, his getting off, and us having a kid.

I left Andy and my mom a message about my ear, then called Tammy’s. She goes, “I don’t want to hear about your weather or your pool.”

Then Dad got on the phone and said, “It was 40º this morning and when I was working outside in Brimfield it was nothing but freezing and rain.” Then he goes, “Wait a minute. Let me take off my gloves.”

I was cracking up and I told him it was that way just for him and that it’d warm up when he leaves. True, he says, the weather is to warm up Wed. He’ll be leaving tomorrow and will arrive in Florida Thurs.

He was happy about my ear and said he believes Mom’s taping the Judds movie. I told Ma on her machine to call me if she hasn’t taped it for whatever reason and that I’d send it if need be.

Andy’s taping a two-part Stephen King movie and he wants to see the Judds movie, so we’re gonna swap tapes.

The rest of the Norah movie wasn’t too impressive. She had a million different ugly hairstyles and outfits. Yup, she looked her best in The Guardian.

Got a Bob letter today and he enclosed a drawing from a magazine of a girl who sort of resembles Gloria. I drew it and it came out pretty nice, but I didn’t mean to make her fat. She’s got a mama’s face.

Later…

Tom got home an hour ago and he’s in his room watching his show, then he’s gonna crash. We’re both beat. He had to get up early and I had barely 5 hours of sleep.

After the appointment, he dropped me off, then went back to work. Then, I cried for a few minutes, believe it or not. There’s knowing it’s over; then there’s knowing it’s over. It really hit me today. It’s over!

I saw their dog tied up out front today. Guess they exterminated again. That goes with having one kid, let alone so many cuz of the way they throw food all over, spit, and puke.

Well, I’m just gonna go veg out and do some puzzles for now. Maybe I’ll get more into that library book. I’ve only read a few pages so far.

SUNDAY, MAY 14, 1995 Well, Norah’s movie will be going on in 7 hours. Tom’s gonna cut some commercials. I’m gonna set my alarm for noon and I’ll cut commercials when I get up too, if he was unable to cut 15 minutes’ worth.

Tonight will be the Judds movie.

I spoke to Mom today who got my card today and was laughing with her over what Lisa and Tammy told me. It was only 45º there! HA! And poor dad’s stuck in it.

Tomorrow we’ll probably go swimming. All it needs is 5-8 more degrees on it and it’ll be perfectly comfortable.

There are more odds and ends I suppose I could write about. However, I’m gonna go work some more on that ice cream puzzle.

SATURDAY, MAY 13, 1995 We’ve sure been busy these last couple of days.

Tom’s putting together stuff for his parent’s computer that he’s gonna bring over tomorrow. His dad is 83 today.

Yesterday’s appointment was a waste as far as we’re concerned. They don’t really know what they’re doing in that particular area. She said a certain low pitch has gotten worse, but oh well. I know how I hear and that’s in between nothing and the good ear, so who cares about hearing tests? It’s probably a little gunked up with dead skin and he may want to vacuum it this time around when we go to Dr. Nielsen on Monday. At least it didn’t hurt and they didn’t put anything on to crush my skull. She just had me hold up one earpiece to my ear and didn’t test the good ear since that’s not what we’re concerned with.

After the boring hearing test, we went to the mall and ate. Then we went to a bookstore. Their journals were boring, but I did get another huge word search puzzle book. Who knows if my subscription will ever arrive? It seems like every other thing you order by mail never comes. Andy never got his 70s CD.

Tom got a computer disk with a book. I also got a few other things. A library book, and cuz he was a day late getting the last book back, he owed 30¢. I said, “Bad boy.”

Then the woman asked if the book was for me and I said yes. Then she says, “Don’t be a bad girl.”

I got my third doggie mug, so now I have a collie, an Irish setter and a cocker spaniel, and a huge puzzle of ice cream sundaes.

THURSDAY, MAY 11, 1995 I’m out back right now and it’s absolutely gorgeous. The perfect temp. Earlier it was pretty hot at 92º. The pool temp made it up to 79º today. Why does 79º feel like 59º? Well, I didn’t swim, but come late afternoon I was able to quickly dip in up to my neck.

I’m still troubled with thoughts of having a kid, but it’ll keep on getting less and less and I’ll outgrow it, I’m sure. Especially when I look at all the negatives of having a kid. While I may believe more what he and Kim say about his not cumming, I still believe he’ll never cum whether or not I mention a kid. And he knows this. I only hope the day will come that he’ll admit this and not be indirectly or directly leading me on. I sure as hell don’t want to believe for a minute that he could be leading me on about this one subject, but time will continue to tell. He may not be a TM (typical male), he may say he wants a kid and mean it, but he’s still a guy. Having a kid ain’t much of a guy thing.

I made our swing quite comfy. I stuck that twin-size foam mattress on it and threw a sheet over it.

Gotta go online with Alex soon.

Later…

I chatted with Alex for about 40 minutes. This time we had no problems sending each other private instant messages. He got a job with IBM up in Burlington Vermont which he’s moving to real soon. Vermont - yuck!

WEDNESDAY, MAY 10, 1995 Tom had an interview this morning with Bank of America that I just know went well and has good benefits. I only hope the pay is good and his hours and days off are what we want.

We’re gonna be ordering some sex toys if Tom doesn’t forget, cuz you have only 10 days to mail it in if you want 50% off. We haven’t filled out the form yet, but some of the things we may get are chocolate cream (for when he goes down on me), a fruit-flavored body massage oil that warms the body as you rub it on, so you don’t get chilled. Maybe a clit vibrator too, for when I’m on my own.

Later…

Yeah!! That movie, A Woman of Substance with Norah in it is on this Sunday. The only problem is, the damn thing runs for 6 hours and 15 minutes. I’ll either have to have Tom record a half hour or so of it in his room or find a way to make sure I’m up to sit there and pause it on commercials till I’ve cut 15 minutes of those out. If only I didn’t have 3 fucking appointments this month to get in the way! I’ll ask Tom what he thinks is the best way to handle it and together we’ll figure it out.

I got up at 10:00 this morning and couldn’t get in to retrieve our messages. After an hour of being on hold and typing up several pages, I finally got through to a VM repairperson. They’re working on it now and they say we’ll get a discount.

Later…

Thank you, Kim!! We had a little chat yesterday about the birds and the bees which really helped me to feel less alone. When I called her I told her I’d thought about bringing this up to her before and was wary of it, till I told myself, hey, what are friends for?

I told her Tom’s never cum since we’ve been together and that he said he did once, but nothing came out. Well, she told me that she could never feel Mark or Doug cum, and that yes, that’s possible. Possible for them not to have a discharge or have only a very small one, I mean. I asked her if it were possible for a guy to cum while they’re going really slow. Yup, she said. Doug’s that way. She says Tom’s most definitely not kidding about sexual issues or about having a kid. This is cool, cuz while it’s natural for me to be a skeptic here and there, I know he’s been honest about everything else. Maybe except for when Kim, Phil, and Alex were here, though. She agreed with me that if he were playing with my head over this, he’d play with my head over all kinds of things. People don’t usually lie about 1-3 things. They lie about almost everything. Soon, I’ll write about what she asked me and what I told her that made her feel better and less alone.

Later…

About the question Kim had for me - she told me she’s never cum by penetration and wanted to know more about that. I remember when I was about 21 I had the same questions. I let her know that I, as well as half of the women in this world, can’t cum by penetration alone. When Tom’s in there, I have to do my clit with my hand as much as I enjoy Tom in there. Me telling her this made her feel just as good as it did me when she let me know I’m not alone. She also told me that Doug doesn’t always cum, not that he doesn’t enjoy what she does. She says he also goes from hard to soft a lot like Tom does and has no problems getting hard either.

OK - these people next door have been doing great, so why are the kids out there screaming now, and is it even them? I hear a boy that sounds older than the boy next door and I hear some vehicle running, but it doesn’t sound close enough to be next door, so who knows?

TUESDAY, MAY 9, 1995 I amazingly slept last night from about 10 PM - 8 AM. I slept solidly. I didn’t wake up to go to the bathroom and I can’t remember one dream. Just when I asked myself why I did that, cuz my schedule was actually backing up, I remembered having to take an allergy pill last night. I felt groggy upon waking up and I still do.

Yesterday Tom said he felt like he had a cold, and I finally began working on my story.

Tom had read the letter from the two girls next door. He never said anything about it and told me it was up to me to talk to them if I wanted to, but I wonder. He likes the sound of kids (or seems to) and told me months ago that he hoped I’d get used to it cuz he wants a kid someday. Maybe I’m wrong, but he always seemed to want me to be around when they were noisy. I’ve also noticed that whenever I’m around when he’s watching TV he flips the channel to kids’ stuff, cartoons, and shows. I’m beginning to feel more and more like he’s teasing me with the subject of a kid. Why, though? Why would he do this to me? I have a bad feeling that he knew all along since day one he’d never cum. He’s said just as much stuff about wanting one as he’s said about not wanting one, but I’m beginning to believe anything he’s ever said about wanting one was only to make me happy. Did he know all along he’d never cum? Was he against having a kid from day one? If he really is, and if he really is teasing me, then why? How can a guy who’s otherwise one in a million do this and play with my head this way? He denies teasing me, but if he really wants a kid that bad, why doesn’t he cum? Why say he wants it? Why say he thinks the responsibility would be good for me and that he feels I’d be a good mother?

I asked him a while back if he’d say he came every now and then cuz that’d turn me on and make me feel more normal, so to speak. He said he couldn’t do that cuz he’d feel like he was lying. Yeah, well, I have a feeling he said that as a cover-up for those other two times he claimed to cum which he didn’t.

I was half wrong about one thing, though, but he clarified himself yesterday. He said it’s not mandatory that he sleep with me to get me pregnant, but says it’ll help. I agree and can understand that, but people do get pregnant by people who don’t even live with them. The guy’s got too many excuses, whether they’re legit or not. He’s sick, he tired, he’s out of shape, got things on his mind, etc.

Well, there are still other facts to consider too, with or without him cumming. Is my plumbing OK? If there is really a God (which I’m not always too sure of) does He think it will kill me in the ways I always feared? Does He want me to keep this wonderful life I never thought I’d have with nothing to interfere with it or ruin it? Does He think it’s wrong? Does He want me to wait till I’m 40? Will the desire ever go away like others have? God, I have so many of the same never-ending questions. Will they ever get answered?

Later…

Tom would be the perfect husband if he’d only stop putting off things, trying to change certain things, and if I only knew and he could prove that this baby thing isn’t all just one big joke on me. There have been countless things we were gonna buy, make, or do that he constantly puts off. I know these things take time, aren’t always in the budget, and he’s been trying harder lately. However, I really think it’s part of his trying to force and instill patience in me. He denied that and I believe 95% or more of the stuff he tells me, but there are still some things I just cannot buy so easily.

He also tells me he’d never try to change me and how I’m such a good decorator. So why does he put stuff back in places he knows I don’t put them? I think it’s for two reasons. One’s cuz he’s trying to show me that my way isn’t the only way. He once even commented to me saying I have this certain assumption of how things should be. The other is cuz I really believe he’s obsessed with me picking up after him.

I’m skeptical about the final finishing of the back room. He’ll only re-trash it. Forget about doing his room and going through and ditching or sorting through a basket of old clothes of his. We were supposed to do that 6 months ago.

He said he wanted to call about getting business licenses on May 1st. He could’ve called or gone there after work. This business thing has me wondering just like with the kid. He’s full of shit!

Anyway, if life stays just as it is (even though he says change is inevitable), then fine. It’s better than my old life, but I’m always gonna be angry about being led on. I just wish he’d stop saying he’s gonna do stuff that he never does or that he does 6 months after he says it.

I proofread the stories he said he was gonna read long ago and says he’ll read this weekend.

Just when our 90º weather dropped off to the 70s and threw the pool temp down to 70º, it’s back. Back in the 90s, so soon it’ll be plenty comfortable for a swim. It’s 76º now and I know most people could deal with that, but it seems I can’t deal with it under 83º.

My stomach’s been looking and feeling so much better since I stopped eating dairy. Less gas, bloating, and constipation.

MONDAY, MAY 8, 1995 I went to bed last night close to 11 PM and got up at 4:30 this morning.

Yesterday we went grocery shopping, then over to his parents. Marge is gonna put straps on a halter-top I have that falls right down. Tom was showing her stuff on the computer, while Ray entertained me on the Pachinko machine.

After we left, we went to a park with life-size metal statues of people. They looked so real. Especially from a distance.

Lastly, we went to the Osco where I got 3 small 100-piece puzzles. They’re only 7 x 9, but they’re so cute. I got one of rabbits, cats, and dogs. They’re up on the kitchen wall now.

I also got makeup remover, nail polish, and a very smart purchase I saw advertised on a TV commercial. Oil of Olay has a body shampoo with a pink scrubbing puff and supposedly you won’t need lotion with this stuff. It’s great! It really lathers up well, all you need is a little drop and it really works. This is so much more convenient cuz putting lotion on is a pain in the ass. Especially when I’m trying to do my back. It’s greasy, too.

I forgot to mention what I got for only $9 at the grocery store. A lamp/organizer. The lamp is on a long stick-like thing you can adjust to wherever. It came with paper clips, thumbtacks, a notepad, and a built-in tape dispenser. The tape dispenser’s too low and all messed up, but this is OK since we’ve got 4 of them around here. It’s got other slots and grooves for stuff. On it, I’ve got pens, drawing pencils, erasers, paper clips, the notepad, address labels and stamps.

Andy left a message saying he got the typed edits. He said he couldn’t believe I could sit there and type that for hours, and he couldn’t see himself reading it unless he was totally bored. He will, though, he says, cuz of all the time and work I put into it.

Later…

You have no idea just what a relief it is to see them so quiet next door. For the first time since they’ve been here, I can honestly say I hope they don’t move. With my luck, they’ll move soon and another huge family will move in. The difference would be that the parents would be like most people and not give a shit.

I called Tammy who says Bill’s not doing too well. Dad will be there next Mon. and will be leaving the following Wednesday which is the 17th. On the 19th he’ll be back in Florida.

When I told her that her genius brother-in-law put in a garbage disposal, she said, “So.” Then I remembered her house doesn’t have one, so maybe she’s jealous.

I told her big sisters are supposed to look out for little sisters and little sisters are supposed to tell big sisters about health and beauty stuff so I told her about that Oil of Olay body wash.

I had 3 songs on oldies #1 tape that are now on CD, so I stuck songs in their spots from an incomplete tape.

Tom and I had a hot debate a few days ago and I totally disagree with everything he said. He asked if I wanted him to get a vasectomy cuz he was sick of playing this game. I said, “Excuse me?”

Yeah, I can be contradicting on the subject of having a kid, cuz there are both reasons to do so, as well as to not do so, but he is just as contradicting about it. All I can do on my part in the hopes of getting pregnant is lay back and spread my legs. Meanwhile, he’s done nothing to put his actions where his mouth and desires are. Then he goes on to tell me he can suddenly start cumming just like that. Yeah, right. Then why doesn’t he?

Then he says he has to be sleeping with me before we can make a kid which I know wouldn’t make a damn bit of difference. So, I finally told him, “Look. Don’t be leading me on. You say you think I’ll be pregnant between May and July and we both know this isn’t true. Next, you’ll say you think it’s gonna be between August and October, and well…don’t. I don’t want to hear it.”

Plus, he knew we couldn’t be sleeping together full-time by May and July, so why did he say we had to sleep together to make it? Meaning, why’d he say May to July when he should know that’s too soon to sleep together? Our not sleeping together may make me feel “abnormal,” but it’s just not gonna happen. He said failing’s when you don’t try, not when you try and something doesn’t work out. Well, Saturday night we tried it and boy did I ever feel like a failure. He disagrees with me, but yes I did try and no I can’t change myself. It’s not that I don’t want to, cuz I can carry on my business of writing, listening to music, etc. It’s just not me. There are always some things about ourselves we cannot change and I don’t want myself or him to kid ourselves about it. Just like I couldn’t make myself be tall, I can’t sleep with him, maintain a schedule, have a kid, or quit smoking.

Like I said before, it’ll take time, but I’ll get over not having a kid. Most people don’t like or want the same things forever. I got over never being with a woman more often and I don’t miss not having that. There are only a few things I hope I never get sick of and bored with like Tom, singing, and writing. Well, actually, there’s lots of stuff I hope I’ll always be into.

Shit, I got a wart growing on the front of my thigh, a few inches above my knee.

SATURDAY, MAY 6, 1995 Tom put up our new shelves in the back room and he's now installing the garbage disposal.

Guess what came in the mail today? The CDs! Linda's Living in the USA came as well as the 70s one.

FRIDAY, MAY 5, 1995 Amazingly, I finished typing all the edits yesterday. On a size of point 9 they take up 19 pages. I condensed it down to 11 pages with point 7 or 6, and I’m sending copies to Andy, Kim and Bob.

Yesterday I also got the signing program disk from Alex. It’s pretty cool, although some of the illustrations are poorly drawn. The quiz is no challenge for me since it’s really for beginners. A sign comes up with 5 words next to it and you click on the word you think it is and it tells you if you’re right. Boy, times have changed! When I learned, it was from a book. It’s so much easier and more convenient for people to learn on the computer where you can just scroll down a list in alphabetical order and the sign comes up with each word. It’s just harder to carry around with you like it is to take a book out to wherever.

Later…

I laid out earlier and did a few other things. I did some word puzzles when I was out. I washed my comforter, changed the bed, sang, made spag, did a few dishes, and typed a few letters. I think I’ll go type up some of 76 now.

Later…

Tom just got off of work at 4:00, but he mentioned stopping at a hardware store for shelves. We’re gonna put up more wooden shelves to replace those flimsy plastic ones. We’re also gonna put up ones that are only about 6” in depth (from the wall on out) for all his disks.

I’d like to check into clipart and decorating stationary. Papers I type letters on and journal stuff. Alex used that really cool FBI seal in his letter. Supposedly, there are ways to get pictures around or amid stuff you type. I’ve seen and done it before, but I’d like to know more about it. Especially how the seal was done. It was on the paper beforehand and it’s very light so your typing can be seen and read easily.

Gotta trim my bangs one of these days real soon. It looks really scruffy and I still have a million split ends.

A couple of mornings ago I was horny as Tom was going to work. He told me I’d have to take care of myself till he got back. I asked if he ever took care of himself when I’m asleep. He said if he has the time. I asked if he just gets himself horny and aroused, or does he go all the way? He said he only gets himself horny and aroused. God! I hate to call my husband a liar, but I just don’t see how this is possible. Especially for as long as we’ve been together. I mean, he may not be a typical male, but he’s still a guy. A human being. I’m sure he relieves himself whenever he can. Either that or he has wet dreams constantly. He probably just told me that so as not to upset me. Why would I bother getting upset over it after all this time? I might if it kept going on for years. Then again, maybe not, cuz I don’t expect a change even though he’s 100% sure it will. He says things can “suddenly” change and he says he doesn’t want to wait. Yet there are no actions to go with these words.

We were discussing last night how I’m afraid to succeed and move on, even with the stuff I want and it’s true. I told him, though, there are things he could do too, that’d help us both. I told him that as far as us sleeping together, to either move in or don’t. I still feel the same about that. I want him to cuz we love each other and would feel more “married,” but that’s a classic example of how changes and progress can scare me. I just don’t want to return to the days of having to deal with being woken up constantly. Also, he promises not to trash this room, but I still have to see that to believe it. As far as I’m concerned, the rest of the house is one thing, but this room is my space.

Time for a cigarette, then I shall return to write more.

Later…

I just listened to a message from Andy that he must’ve left when I was out back or had the music on. His roommate who’s 100% better, loved my little crayon can that I made him as well as the edits. Especially Karson’s. So many people like the edits, and two of his friends, Quinn and Goofy, have copies. I told him I gotta start charging people $5 per tape!

I’m gonna go food shopping this Sunday with Tom, but I sure as hell ain’t looking forward to the fucking crowd. I really hope he gets at least one weekday off soon, preferably two.

Later…

I just decorated several pages. My own homemade journal clipart.

Well, it’s almost 6:00, so I guess Tom wasn’t too tired. I was kind of panicky last night for the first time in a while. There is hope, though, of getting over and growing out of certain things.

Later…

Tom found a note for me on the front door dated March 8th. Two of the girls next door typed it up on their computer, which is a piece of shit like Tammy’s, but very sweet and sincere. I’ll put it in my binder with all my other letters.

I typed out a quick thanks-for-the-letter-and-understanding note and stuck it in their door next door. How can they play on the other side of their house, though, like they said they’ve been doing? The other side of their house would be the driveway of the other house next to them. Nonetheless, it’s been great around here and I’m so glad, cuz most people just don’t give a shit. I know all too well about that thanks to Barbara, Robert, and Andi.

Before I get into what Tom bought, let me back up to what I was saying right before he got home. The reason why I have the hope of getting over and growing out of wanting a child is cuz people’s desires and goals do change. Also, here are examples. When I was around 21, I knew it was never meant for me to be with a woman. Yes, I’m still right, as well as wrong with things I feel. It took me a few years, but I did live through it and got to the point where I could deal with it, accept it, move on, and get over it.

Tom got more shelves as I said he was gonna, but we’ll still need more. The guy’s got a lot of books, magazines, and disks. He got a fluorescent light for the kitchen, like the one by the computer. He got wiring for the garage, so we can have a light to flick on when we’re coming and going at night. Right now there are only 2 or 3 long fluorescent lights towards the center and back of the garage and one that’s sound activated. It looks like a nightlight. Lastly, we finally have a garbage disposal! Yes! No more scraping and straining food out to dump in the pail, and hopefully no more clogged sink either.

THURSDAY, MAY 4, 1995 Well, I’m dubbing the second edit tape right now for Andy. He’s gonna hang onto the backups. I won’t dub the third tape, though, till it’s filled up. The next step is to type up all the edits. I’ve already got a tape’s worth of them already typed up. When I’m done with that I’ll send Kim and Bob a copy, and I asked Andy if he wants one.

Yesterday I took a beautiful shirt that’s way too tight since my chest has grown a couple of inches and I took off its colored jewel stones. Then, I glued them on 83’s binder.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 3, 1995 My God, I honestly don’t believe it! Andy finally sent the card he got Tom for doing his taxes. Andy’s one of those who either never does what he says he’s gonna do or he does it 10 years after he says he’s gonna do it. Anyway, I’m not gonna open it cuz it’s addressed to him, but I’m sure he’ll be quite pleased and I’ll see it later.

The cutting of all the edit tapes is finally done. I have two 90-minute tapes filled up and half a side of a third.

We got a new modem which is faster and goes inside the computer. I sent Alex a message and got one from him. I’m surprised there weren’t several from him asking where the fuck I’ve been. He sent the sign language disk by UPS. Why is he using UPS and not regular mail?

I called CT and Bill answered. He’s doing OK and the girls got their letters. I quickly talked to Tammy, then Dad got on. He goes, “Jodi Lin! I went by your old place in Niantic and gave them the finger. We were by Genovese, Shop Rite, etc.”

Yup, that’s a 2-minute walk to Oakwood Knoll if you cut through the woods. I also reminded him that that’s Norwich, not Niantic. He asked if I got the package and what I thought about the catalog. I told him just what I typed in their letter about that and all the other stuff in the package. Ma said she’s saving all the letters in his drawer for him. He got the letter all about it right after he split.

He said when he left Florida, he left in shorts and it was 85º. It was in the 50s in North Carolina and last night it was raining and a chilly 47º when he arrived in CT. He said he had to sleep under the covers since it was cool.

Friday he’ll be at Larry’s.

Andy and I used to sing bits and pieces of this song called How Do You Do, but neither of us has heard it in years. Well, I got it taped today and left the bulk of it on his VM.

TUESDAY, MAY 2, 1995 Better get on with the writing before I slip too far behind. I just may get this annoying lower gut of mine checked out now that I’ve got real insurance and real doctors. Tom and I are still sure it’s gas and lousy eating habits. However, If I go and tell a doctor that I’ve had these constant feelings of gas and bloating and that my lower right gut is more swollen, maybe I’ll be told some other tip to help it that I don’t know about. I discussed this with Mom and Tammy, and they said to see a doctor.

Bill’s home now after two months and I sent him a welcome home letter. Why I did when I never really cared too much for the guy beats me. Maybe cuz it’d make Tammy happy.

I also left Lenore a note after all. Yesterday I put a note on her door thanking her for understanding and considering my earlier request (yes, it’s been wonderfully quiet around here). I said I was home a lot and that she could ring the doorbell if she wants to chat or have coffee. I’m sure she’s a very busy person, but I only hope the oldest kid can watch all the others if she were to decide to pop on over.

I finished the two puzzles my parents sent, taped their backs, and put them up on the living room and kitchen walls. I had a music puzzle I had done a few months ago and I put that back together too, and up on the door of the little room off the back room. Luckily, I didn’t crumble it up when I stuck it back in its box, so I only had to redo 5% of it.

I also put my little white plastic shelf up in the bathroom that I got from Nancy H. That’s the one who lived in Jai’s studio the first time I was living on Woodside Terrace when I was 21. I was 20, actually, when I first moved into that apartment.

I put up a Nintendo game holder on the living room wall by the TV.

I sorted more disks in the back room and grouped the two sizes together. Tom and I have both done lots of sorting of all kinds of stuff in the back room. We’re gonna get more shelves for books, magazines, and disks.

I called the 800# where I ordered the 70s CD. According to them, I’ll get it on the 10th. Oh, I hope so!

Our modem is completely broken, so we’re gonna get a newer, faster one.

Dad probably spent last night somewhere in the Carolinas. He’s gonna be at Tammy’s tonight. Tammy isn’t too thrilled about the fact that he’s mostly gonna be in Brimfield and only spend a couple of days there. That’s how they usually are, though. He has friends there. The E’s. I met them back in ‘89 with Boo and Max, and Max wouldn’t shut his big mouth.

When I called ma I asked if dad was in the land of the old, ugly, and expensive and she goes, “Speak English.”

Typical response from her. She was pleasant, though, other than that. She said Heidi threw up all over. Max and Heidi are their dogs. They’re poodles. That’s all they’ve ever had since I’ve been alive.

Alex has no doubt been trying to get ahold of me through AOL, so I sent him a regular letter letting him know our modem was a goner, but that I’d contact him as soon as I could.

We did end up swimming on Sunday and I swam twice yesterday, too. Tom heated it up a little to give it a jump-start, even though it’s been between the upper 80s to low 90s. The pool temperature was 84º on Saturday, 86º yesterday and today it’s 81º. It’ll go up to 84º - 86º before the day’s out.

Yesterday Tom suggested I try to draw a cartoon and I tried to draw 6 scenes. The first 5 of a bunny running. The last scene was to have it meet up with another rabbit with a carrot. By the time I got to scene 3, it was like - no way! I’d need some pictures to copy. I’m not quite talented enough to be able to do it off the top of my head.

Later…

It is a hot one out there! I went to get my 10 minutes or so of gradual sun exposure and color while I did a word puzzle. Ten words later, though, I was frying and you know how fast I am at word puzzles. The pool’s 82º but it feels much cooler. Anyway, I am definitely getting color.

I’m gonna straighten my hair soon, so I’ll be back after I do that.

Later…

The pool is gonna wait a couple of days now since I straightened my hair. No problems with my ear when I went swimming. Dr. Nielsen was right when he said I’d be able to get water out if it easier cuz the canal’s straight. Yup, it ran right out.

The day before yesterday he went down on me and I came as usual. My desire’s picking up now since I’m mid-cycle.

As I said before, Tom gives off more desire to have a kid, but some things are still mixed and confusing to me. He says he doesn’t want to wait, but yet yesterday when I said I may be ovulating he said he’d rather have sex for fun and not worry about that. He says he can’t mix work with fun and that that’d be stressful. Well, I’ve seen him mix work and fun numerous times and millions of people have that on their minds, plan, and get pregnant. Most of the guys cum, though. I can’t believe this. I can’t believe I’m with a guy who doesn’t cum. I love Tom and we’ll always be together, even though we’ll never have a child, but why? It doesn’t make sense for him to be playing with my head on this subject, cuz head players play in all subjects. Meaning, if he were leading me on with having a kid, he’d do it with other things and do other stuff that’s worse, right?

There was one situation a month or so ago that did bug and annoy me, though. He first started by saying, “We’re gonna be jealous of David and Evie.” It was almost like he wanted to give me a few seconds to think, oh, she’s having another kid and we don’t even have one. But the thing we were supposed to be jealous of was that they got a big-screen TV. What he really feels and thinks is sort of irrelevant, though, cuz it’s not gonna happen, cumming or not.

Andy told me that a girl who left her boyfriend moved into his place for his last month there. I hope he finds something by June 1st cuz he already gave his 30-day notice. I think his moving is foolish cuz he loves his apartment and isn’t gonna find anything much nicer for much cheaper.

Anyway, he told me all about this girl. Yes, he’s still the same old gossiper. It works out OK, though, cuz we’re not both this girl’s friend. He says she cleans well and is a cool person, but he’s not happy about her having company while he’s out, or tweaking. Tweak is a type of speed. He says carless, jobless losers along with assholes, mental cases, and druggies are all that are attracted to him. Yeah, I know all about that as for every one good person there are 1000 assholes. However, as I told him, that doesn’t mean he has to open his door and associate with these low-life jerks just cuz they’re all that’s available.

Later…

It sure is windy out there now and it seems to be a lot. It’s weird, though, cuz when I first got here it seemed that it was always dead still out.

I tried to draw a picture of Norah earlier. The picture came out OK, but it doesn’t look like her.

I took a blank notepad and divided it into 5 sections. 1. Letter notes to Kim and Bob. 2. Letter notes to my parents and Tammy. 3. Projects. 4. Story notes. 5. Journal notes.

I’ve often wondered what it’d be like and what I’d write if I were beginning my very first journal now. I’m sure my grammar, spelling, and vocabulary would be much better than in my first one. Maybe someday I’ll do this and see how I’d write as if it were my first one.

Hurry up, mailman!

MONDAY, MAY 1, 1995 I can't believe it's May already! Well, I don't really have anything to say right now, other than I hope I get my CD today. I'll write about the weekend later.