#seminar classes have so much. truly. im learning a lot but i have not gotten adequate sleep in two weeks or smthn

[rocaillefox]

why does my professor make things due at 9am. help.

[uniqueobjectwasteland-blog]

My journey to pursue MS in US

I was like any other teen in the world...trying to make through college and trying constantly to prove myself to the world. My undergrad was me participating in anything and everything technical.just to get involved in as many activities, workshops, and seminars as possible and help myself for placements. This was me when I was outside. At home, I became this overly lazy person not putting more than the required amount of effort to pass and get reasonably good grades. The first year went by with me trying to cope with school portions being repeated. The second-year took me by surprise as I not only became more focused in work but also became a better student altogether. The third year was my downright low. I reached my first 6. score and lost my open elective courses. I should say I was very depressed. I need a more active enthusiastic environment where I can study being an introvert. I recharge by being with people but prefer being the silent one. This was also the first time I was apart from my best friend in our classes. I did not do well. I was totally depressed. Over my undergrad years, I’ve become so used to studying together for exams that now in my masters it feels very difficult to get motivated on my own. Meanwhile, I had started attending GRE classes just because some of my friends were attending. Frankly, though I wanted to have as many choices as possible when I graduated. Before this year ended though I got a job offer from iNautix.Though not an excellent company I got into it. Again my notion was to have backups for backups in case things didn't work out in the future. Then my fourth year came and it was my turn to shine..many people got to know me better by the in numerous amounts of last rounds that I attended. So when I finally got a job,I felt really blesses. The role was that of a QE but I had gotten into a very good company. Many people started to appreciate me for my great determination. Though all I did at home after attending a class where I fully concentrated was sit and watch videos. I was known for being the girl who watched tv/videos 24/7..people told me if only I used this time wastage to actually study something I would do more. When the placements initially started I was nervous but I had good aptitude,,, All I had to learn though was technical..but I had no interest to start doing projects on my own that I was interested..always thought that I was good at simple coding but not actually good at starting projects. Turned out that I did not have solid practice or perseverance to prove to others that I can think or code well. It was me being extremely lethargic expecting things to fall right on my hands..then came my confusion for whether to apply for MS since it is a QE job and does not have much career height. And my other job was automatically rejected since this was a higher salary. Even then I felt really bad to leave this job. I had worked hard and struggled to get a job and in the end, I had to leave all of its luxury and comfort and brought to the same position I was in before after coming to higher studies. It was a sad truth and though it was my choice I felt that I had no choice that I had to leave.Moreover I started getting signs that my relatives and family members were going to torture me into marriage or that related topics.Inside though I was still a woman-child. I needed a huge spavce from them...My motivation to pursue and decide on MS was mainly due to a collaboration of those reasons.I really also wanted to travel abroad.But the weight of my decision struck only when I was halfway aross the world in Turkey.I was like what was I doing here and how the hell am I going to get out of it now.Its going to be impossible.More than that my first two classes were disappointing to me interms of sylabus and depth.I had the same two books as my undergrad.I should have got full credit but no..I was still a 3.5 gpa perosn.I really did not repect my college’s standard and had decided that it did not require the hardwork that was very essential for most MS degrees.Though I had the enthusiasm of a recent student I lacked the expertise or experience that most of my other classmates had.I started freaking out.I did not realize that I was doing the most outragoeus comparison.How can I even compare myself to a person with work experienc of 8-10-15 years in an industry that requires a lot of skills.I was intimidted and that led to my believing that I was not worth anything.I did not know anything and will never amount to anything when compared to them..but is that so bad?? everyone has their own pace...evryone has their struggles and their lows.More than this came two important “friendships” I gained and the emotional turmoil of falling out with a friend.I was really lonely and underappreciated from my roommate friend and more than that my self-esteem too and hit from my classes..then I started having weird flirty conversations and was trying to deny that I liked a boy when I really did like him.My constant attempt at trying to impress them my non stop talking about me Im pretty sure must have made me a very attractive person.I lost all focus of whats important in my life and started to see videos non-stop about girl-boy relationships..I don't know what I was thinking..More than that I was struggling hard to manage my time to do work from a good boss, work from a critical boss and my studies.I truly lost focus of what was truly important to me.This was also the semester that came from I knew everything so. I didn't know a single thing...My self esteem really took a hit...I lost all confidence..and this semester was a very bad time to do that..This was the time I had to search for internships.I didnt have the drive,will power or confidence to carry ahead with my mission..I wish I had strength and will power to go through this phase properly but i didnt.I am really tired of constantly feeling self-pity, disappointed in myself,avoiding doing work,running away from what I needed to do.This is my messy MS life till now...