#selzter

[newfeeling77]

this year’s andi cocktail is 2-3 shots of bacardi, vanilla selzter, and a splash of cherry coke

[captainchilly]

side eyeing the warner brothers instagram cause you don’t cas at all apparently

[anthonycrowley]

brewery near me that plays vinyl save me. brewery that plays vinyl. save me brewery that plays vinyl.

[125storejuice]

.

[resetmypatientviolence]

Fargo surely knows how to keep you warm in the winter with booze.

Greet weekend up in the tundra celebrating my nephews FIFTH birthday!

[insomniamamma]

Hi, J! How about your top 6 beverages?

Ezra tax as a bribe *COUGH* I mean, a thank you 😉

Thanks for asking!

Gin with selzter water and basil simple syrup. This is my go to.

Diet Dr. Pepper. Need at least one a day to function and it has to be diet. The full sugar stuff makes my teeth feel gross.

Beer. I fuckin love beer, but I'm picky about it. I love a good hefewiesen (spelling?), sour beers and wheat beers. I HATE IPAS THOUGH! It's like deep throating a tin can!

Green tea. Especially cold. Unsweetened please and thank you.

Good bourbon. I love the smell and the way the taste changes as you drink. I like the complexity.

Dunkin Donuts coffee. Extra cream Extra sugar. It's like sucking down vaguely coffee flavored candy. I currently live in a Dunkin Desert, so i miss my screaming hot styrofoam cup of diabetes.

[candiedspit]

took my nighttime combo (Latuda+Lithium+Lamictal+Alka Selzter+Valerian Root+Eczema Cream) brushed my teeth, washed my face & now I’m off to dream about caves and horses

[tsunderrated]

Selzter brand called nutrl. This has to be a parody

[never-not-ever]

I found this old post in my drafts. I can’t see the date but I’m thinking it was beginning of September. TW for self harm at the end.

September

SO much of my energy lately is devoted to them and helping them. My therapist said it perfectly: they're getting better and you're getting worse. I corrected her and said that they're not getting "better" but they're also not slipping backwards. I'm keeping them alive. They're alive. That's all that matters.

How amazing would it be if I left work and went back into the hospital and was able to just let go of all control? Just did whatever. Didn't have to put so much energy into work and into them. Was able to lose all control and just do whatever the fuck I wanted.

Can you imagine that?

And to think I was going to post this online. On a site where some people may know where I work. Where they could have the power to send this to my boss and ruin everything for me. I have control. I say when it's enough. I am only pouring out all these words because I'm drunk. When I'm sober things are better. I'm in control for now. We'll see how long this lasts.

Right now I've had about 6 drinks. Does hard selzter even count as a drink? I've resorted to just hitting my hand. Just hoping a bruise doesn't travel past my knuckles. It's easy to hide the top of my hand. And a bruise is better than a cut.

Today

Well for starters I don’t think I would have imagined back then that I would actually end up in the hospital, would “lose control” (I mean technically it’s for control..) and do “whatever the fuck I wanted”. It’s crazy.

Now I don’t care about posting this online. I don’t have a job. I don’t have a life anymore. I have nothing.

(more TW self harm)

It’s ironic how it all started with me hitting my hand. The cutting started soon after. I always told myself I would never walk into work with self harm on my arms... But I justified the hand hitting and was drunk the night I cut for the first time in 2 years. I maybe cut 3 or 4 times before going into the hospital…

Now I’ve lost count, not that I was counting. My self harm, both punching the ground and cutting, is the worst it’s ever been. It’s never been this bad inpatient. Which makes sense why they’re reluctant to discharge.

When I first came here it started with hitting my hand. Then that wasn’t enough and it made the cutting urges worse. In the 3 months that I’ve been here and all the times I’ve “stopped” cutting, it always started back up with punching the ground. It’s like a gateway drug for my cutting. I don’t even know where I’m going with this or what the point is. Except to get it out of my head and be able to read back on all this bullshit one day. Maybe.

[icriedinawalmart]

Wieiad binge edition

breakfast: hashbrown (120), apple (65), egg white (17) ~ 202

lunch: blueberries (16), mandarin orange (40), tortilla chips (50), gum (5), baby carrots (28) ~ 139

snack: strawberry cottage cheese (160), 3 ginger snap cookies (70). i ate it bc i was going to the doctor and needed to temporarily put on weight but i just ended up binging. then in the car i ate kettle corn (450) and chocolate covered nuts (800) 😭

then when i got home i ate chips and guac, peanut butter, granola, a chocolate covered pretzel, a couple cookies, and weighed myself and i was 136, then purged and flushed but i forgot to weigh myself after

i stopped counting at this point, i ate a few more cookies, another chocolate covered pretzel, pickles, and a taco. then i made this bowl with cottage cheese, granola, peanut butter, graham crackers, a cookie, and cheerios, but i didnt finish it and purged.

THEN i finished the bowl, ate more cottage cheese, a couple more cookies, drank some selzter, and purged again but (tmi kinda gross!) not much came out and most of it was just like this slimy brown water 😭

then i weighed myself again and i was 136, i rlly hope some of it is water weight or bloating. i think i ate like 4k cals today. i wanna stop purging and switch to c/s but idk how yall do it cause i always accidentally eat the food 🦧😔

[stonerpsii]

oop i think i didn't quite mix this drink when i made it cause it seems like most of the vodka is at thebottom l ol

iss kay ill drink some wawa before i inevitably pour the rest of the weed selzter hehe

[cdfreak]

im so fucking BORED!!!!!!!! somebody come boil my brain in selzter

[circumlocutive]

Cider being on here but not selzter

I'm a liquers lover oog

Vodka good too

*See this poll to choose your least favorite alcohol

[starry-hughes]

how u doing star nation

STAR NATION

IM IN GEORGIA AND A BREWERY

STRAWBERRY SELZTER

[the-travelling-witch]

SELZTER IS JUST WATER WKDK ITS.. UTS JUST BUBBLY WATER

call it sparkling water then

[innermostinsight]

How I'm Feeling Right Now

Artistic, lost, radiant, fulfilled, passionate, aimless, boring, unprepared, despondent, sparkly, centered.

The beginning of the semester was strange.

No matter how much I mature, I am always disjointed at the beginning of a new school year. There's comfort that how I'm feeling right now is how I've always felt.

It starts in August, as the year is looming ahead. I am always confronted with the same bundle of nerves over two central issues: boys and socializing. This year, my final year of school, perhaps the last of my entire life, was no different. The boys have now become men, but for at least the last 15 years, these issues have remained a consistent source of stress in my life. I am always nervous about being accepted and liked by others, and capturing the attention and attraction of men.

I blame those nerves for my under-eating and over-drinking the first weekend when everyone was together again. I was anxious and excited. To be around everyone, but mostly in anticipation of seeing one particular person, who I am loathe to admit I had developed an emotional connection to. And when I did see this person, my nerves suddenly felt like an unbearable itch that only the free seltzer at the party could scratch. And I had to drink all of it, quickly. When he engaged me in conversation, my nerves resulted in erratic, too strong emotions: initially I was fighting with him fiercely. My anger was firey, my tongue firing off the speech I had had planned for months. None of his protests could pierce the shield I surrounded myself with: my resolute indignation. I felt the interested stares of onlookers as we sparred, but my speaking volume would not be lowered for anything.

He found an opportune moment when I was reloading my verbal ammunition and drinking another can of selzter. I was wordlessly swept away by the familiar pull of his prolonged and meaningful eye contact, communicating with some desperate part of my heart. Then he spoke the words he must have known I was waiting with bated breath to hear, and I relented completely. All along, the shield was full of holes capable of being punctured by a heavy stare and a few strategic words. I can partly blame him for that. He knew what he was doing.

The next week, in an attempt to recover from my earlier stumble, I somehow repeated it all over again...but on a boat. And this time, there was a keen sting of rejection from the previously mentioned particular person. A dismissal. I wasn't anyone's preference. Despite my shiny dress, I had no sparkle.

When the sun came up, those occurrences left me off-kilter and embarrassed. I felt I had lost my general sense of control. I had certainly lost the power I once enjoyed over that person. He had lured me in, enjoyed himself for a moment, and then disposed of me, seemingly without a second thought. Worse, my classmates had seen, had gotten a glimpse into my private life. I worried that they saw me in class and thought only of my intoxicated antics. Did they sense I had been rejected?

I worried the most that I was losing a piece of myself, the kind, smart, innocent girl inside of me was being harmed by my poor decisions. I was afraid that part of me would leave me completely. That's how bad my "Sunday scaries" were.

A month later, and the feelings of shame and anxiety, which I feared would linger and torture me eternally, have now dissipated. I am mostly settled now. Life has gone on, none of the damage was really permanent. I'm still struck with uncomfortable feelings of sadness and frustration over it, but they're infrequent.

Moving to a new home, away from my parents, compounded the growing pains of this last new school year. As much as I have outwardly declared my need for freedom and independence, I rely on my parents. They remain the most important people in my life, and at this point have become more like friends and mentors that I trust so completely. I wonder if I have less of a reliance on my friends because of this. Leaving the quiet comfort of my family home has been an adjustment.

But I'm enjoying my freedom: the short, sweet walk from my student house to campus (just long enough to listen to two or three really good songs), the constant fun and liveliness of living with friends, the bed that isn't in my parents' house (I might never invite anyone to spend the night, but now I at least have the option).

My writing today is honest. I'm learning about the beauty of honesty, in all aspects of life. Being candid with myself about my own emotions, why I feel some things so strongly, and exploring (honestly) the motivation behind why I act in certain ways. Speaking to others honestly. Answering questions honestly, instead of editing myself to be more or less, to please someone else. It serves myself as much as the other participant in the conversation. I can see the surprise in someone's face when they receive a completely honest answer, a divergence from the expected. It feels strange having this renaissance internally while being surrounded by so many people in my industry who are so desperate to portray a certain image, who constantly strive to curate their own expressions to match that desired image.

As part of my honesty journey, I need to get back into my writing, the one thing that has always brought me peace and happiness. I write to understand myself and the world around me. It's how I process my own experiences and emotions. It has always been unbelievable to me that, as humans, we created language, that it isn't something primal and instinctual. It has felt that way to me ever since I learned how to write and became immersed in the world of literature. It is the most effortless form of expression that I have.

I want to be more honest with others about the fact that I'm a writer. I want to start behaving more like a writer. This blog is going to be the way I achieve that. I'll be posting a myriad of musings on this page. Blogging in 2023, probably more than a decade past the peak-era of blogging...it's kind of chic, right?