#selfishly would love to see this explored in more fic because i have so many thoughts

[makeste]

I like Bakuguo but his attitude is starting to really piss me off. He's talking about Daku as if he's just ~crazy~ and as if he isn't partly to blame for Deku's toxic self-worth issues. It's infuriating to watch. If Bakuguo doesn’t admit out loud and in front of his friends that his bullying of Deku played a part in Deku's current destructive state and if he doesn’t verbally apologize and reaffirm Deku's worth then I can no longer like Bakuguo's character or Hori's writing.

tbh I don't really know why this is the discourse of choice for people all of a sudden, but this is already the second ask I've gotten about it, so I might as well address it lol.

I think fandom is conflating fanon!Deku and canon!Deku here again. fanon Deku is of course much more sensitive and woobified and has much shakier self-esteem. fanon Deku is the one that turns evil in so many AUs because of Kacchan's bullying. fanon Deku is the one that actually jumps off the roof in so many fics, as opposed to fishing his notebook back out of the pond a few minutes later grumbling about how Kacchan needs to think before he speaks or else he could land himself in serious shit one day if god forbid anyone actually does take his cruel words to heart.

and just to clarify before I get any further, I am not saying this to excuse Kacchan's actions in any way, because what he did was still completely terrible and unacceptable and WAY over the line, and what's more he knew it, too. the bullying was still shitty and horrible and awful, and definitely impacted Deku and made him miserable. I fully acknowledge that, and that Kacchan has a lot of atoning to do for it. this is not a "Kacchan did nothing wrong" post.

but that being said, I don't think canon Deku's reckless self-sacrificing nature actually has anything to do with the bullying. I think they're two completely separate things. canon Deku actually has pretty decent self-esteem in spite of everything Kacchan did to him. canon Deku doesn't think he is useless. canon Deku had a wholeass fight with Kacchan less than 10 chapters into the series in which he explicitly spelled it out for Kacchan that he had a lot of worth, and was going to prove it to him. canon Deku was persistent in wanting to become a hero and hoping and believing that he could find some way in spite of being quirkless. canon Deku never let go of that dream even when no one else supported it. I don't think he would have even given up on it after being told no by All Might, tbh -- we just never got to see how it would have played out because of everything that happened with the sludge monster shortly afterward. but he's not the type to ever give up on something that easily, and we've seen that. canon Deku never thought he was useless, but rather wanted to prove to everyone else that he wasn't.

the drive that Deku has to save and protect others even at the expense of his own safety is something entirely separate from that. he doesn't break his body for others simply because he has no self-esteem and thinks that his own life isn't important. he does it because he can't stand the thought of someone else getting hurt, and knowing that he could have done something to prevent it. it's as simple as that. like, Spider-Man has the whole "with great power comes great responsibility" thing, right? and he doesn't have low self-esteem; he simply believes that if he has the ability to help someone else, then he has a responsibility to help them. it's a personal creed. and Deku is based on Spider-Man. his philosophy is based on that philosophy, which was one of Horikoshi's core influences and is one of the core creeds in superhero fiction.

Deku is self-destructive not because he doesn't value himself, but because he is literally physically incapable of standing back and doing nothing if he knows that he can do something. he's the type of person who sees a car speeding towards someone and leaps in to push them out of the way. NOT because he wants to get himself fucking pancaked by a speeding car, but simply because he can't sit back and watch the other person get hurt without taking action. his body moves before he can think. and that's where the whole "doesn't take himself into account" thing comes in -- the fact that his thought process simply stops at "get them out of the way of the car", and never extends beyond that to "hey, and maybe I should try to find a way to do this that doesn't involve me getting hit in their place." to him, that's simply less important than the first priority, which is getting the other person out of the way.

and regarding that last part, while that may seem like a self-worth issue if he's prioritizing everyone else above himself, I think what it actually is just selflessness taken to extremes. like for instance, when a parent sacrifices themselves to save their child, them placing the child's life above their own isn't necessarily because they don't see themselves as having value. rather, it's that they love the child so much that they place their well-being even above their own. and that's what Deku is like as well. except that in his case he cares about EVERYONE, and so is willing to sacrifice himself for anyone. and that selflessness is his defining character trait, and simultaneously the most admirable and the most terrifying thing about him. it's both his greatest strength and his greatest weakness, which I think is fascinating to explore.

but anyway, so that's also why we never really see anyone thoroughly chewing him out for this behavior either. because the thing is, it is admirable how selfless he is. it's just that there's also a reason why most people are at least a little bit selfish. and that's because too much selflessness will ultimately and inevitably wind up getting you killed. at some point you either have to learn when to put the oxygen mask on yourself first, or else find yourself a loyal group of friends (or classmates) to watch your back, and make sure that mask gets on you when you need it. and maybe help you land the plane too while they're at it.

anyway so that was a lot of rambling, but basically it all boils down to three things:

when Deku berates himself for being useless (for instance at the end of the War arc), he's doing it out of frustration for not being able to push the others out of the way of the metaphorical car. that's the kind of uselessness he can't stand. the sitting-back-and-doing-nothing uselessness.

Kacchan's bullying was terrible, and it might have indeed played a part in Deku's choice of the word "useless" as a way of berating himself in these instances, but he is not the one who gave Deku this mindset of taking himself out of the equation. that's something that was already inherent to Deku from day one. (but that said, Kacchan has a lot of things to apologize to Deku for anyway, so if he wants to add this to the list I certainly won't stop him. he gets mad about Deku's suicidal attitude because it worries him, but that doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't feel responsible for it. people underestimated his feelings of atonement before 284/285, and I think they're still underestimating him now.)

and lastly, one last important note, which is that Deku's current "saving" mindset isn't wrong, just as Kacchan's "winning" mindset was not wrong either. the lesson to be learned here is NOT that being selfless and wanting to save other people is bad. rather, it's the fact that he's trying to do it alone that's got him all fucked up right now. basically when you think about it, selflessness is really just selfishness on someone else's behalf. which means that in order for Deku to be saved, it isn't necessary for him to change his outlook or his selfless attitude, even if it is pretty crazy lol. rather, all he really needs is a good group of friends who are willing to act selfishly on his behalf in return. protecting each other through mutual selflessness lol. teamwork as self-preservation. hence why the U.A. kids are here now.

anyway so yeah, I think that's everything. sorry this got so long and out of control lol. this is just a very specific nuanced thing that's hard for me to express, but which I feel is very important when it comes to Deku's character. Kacchan didn't unleash Depressed Nomad Deku on the world (or at least not in this respect). but that being said, he and the others will hopefully be the ones to nudge him back on the right course again.

[tundrainafrica]

I've been following your blog for a while now and I love your writing and your meta! I was wondering, do you consider Levi and Hanji's relationship to be romantic in canon? Do you consider it canon that Levi had romantic feelings for Erwin?

Thank you for the ask anon, also, thank you for ruffling my feathers a bit too :D. I’m glad you like my writings and meta and I hope that my works continue to bring you joy. 

The types of questions you asked up there could only lead to the types of answers that can spark ship wars. I mean the dialogue in 136 and the change in kanji for chapter 132 hinting their own ships canon were enough to have Eruri and Levihan shippers bashing each other on twitter tbh. 

Personally, I see the romantic potential for both Levihan and Eruri in the show. That’s why I found myself reading a good number of Levihan and Eruri fics. (But lots more Levihan if it isn’t obvious from AO3 bookmarks and my tumblr title). I mean lots more romantic potential than let’s say.... ereri

Do you consider it canon that Levi had romantic feelings for Erwin? 

I’ll answer this one first. No. I don’t think Levi had romantic feelings for Erwin anywhere on the show. Was there potential for something to bloom? Possibly, that’s why I still read eruri fanfiction. I like exploring the possibility if Erwin wasn’t a little too obsessed with his dream, maybe their relationship could have turned out differently.

In canon, by the time they introduced Erwin, Erwin had already forsaken all romance and I think whatever feelings Erwin had towards romance rubbed off on Levi and their relationship ended up being more professional than anything. Due to Erwin’s one track mind and the position he had taken upon himself. any romantic possibilities between them in canon was just harder to make happen. 

Levi though still had strong feelings towards Erwin. It’s undeniable. Erwin had given Levi purpose to live and direction on where to go next, what to do next so that’s why regardless of whether canon had made it possible or not, this relationship is still very interesting to explore. 

Erwin was more professional and cold than Levi imo and honestly, despite the cold demeanor of his best friend Erwin, Levi was an incredible softie at heart and we’ve seen that side of him multiple times, when he gave Petra’s badge to that one soldier, when he stared at that one mother and child when they were on the wall ready to leave to retake Shiganshina.

We all know Levi begrudgingly wanted that soft side of him indulged and between Erwin and Hange the one more likely to indulge that softie side of Levi was Hange. 

Which brings me to the next question.

Do you consider Levi and Hanji's relationship to be romantic in canon? 

I wouldn’t be obsessively writing Levihan fics if I didn’t see it as romantic in canon. But at the same time, I don’t believe Hange and Levi have been in a relationship since Season 1. My headcanon here is Hange and Levi built that relationship over time and this relationship just rapidly progressed after season 3

It’s incredibly subtle which is one of the reasons people like to pretend it doesn’t exist. Probably because they’re trying to promote another ship or they don’t wanna see romance in AOT

But I don’t think a relationship developing subtly is at all a sign that it can be more platonic than anything else. 

In fact, most healthy relationships and most relationships from a bystanders point of view, develop subtly. Like we were the bystanders in many other developing relationships in real life, I think we, the audience of AOT, were also bystanders watching the subtle development of Hange and Levi’s relationship. 

Let’s think about how we’ve watched relationships develop in real life.  

If we’re not invested, they happen incredibly subtly. These people are just constantly together, then eventually we realize we can’t invite the other without the other, then we realize we can barely get them alone, then we realize the person changed and eventually they drop this bomb saying “by the way, I’m dating this person now.”

This pattern happens way too many damn times among my friends though and people I just randomly watch everyday that it just became so expected for it to develop into romance so eventually, when I’ve seen the formula play through, I tend to lean on the side of ‘yeah, they’re probably togteher or getting there.’

Yeah, I get it, there’s a danger in assuming that people are together. I’ve seen enough romantic relationships develop though to realize that leaning on the side of ‘romantic’ given specific signs is usually the correct assumption. In fact, I have earned a good amount of money irl winning bets with my friends that two people are actually together but are hiding a relationship (or possibly are in denial).

What are some of these signs? 

The way they treat this one person is so glaringly different from how they treat other people 

Through the years, I have lost a lot of my best friends to their boyfriends/girlfriends and as the youngest child, I have watched all seven of my siblings get into a relationship and believe me, a lot of them have a certain line they would draw on what they are willing to do for their close friend or sibling and what they are willing to do for a lover. 

I have seen people in love so willingly have their hand crushed while the person they love has their fingers set back. “Hold my hand as hard as you need to.” I’ve seen my friends take a detour 1 hour away from the destination just to pick up the person they love. And here’s the thing, they wouldn’t have done it for anyone else usually, they would have only done that thing for that one person. 

Yes, okay doormats exist. But even people with doormat syndrome, the threshold of what someone is willing to do for a close friend and for a person they love still differ regardless. In a life or death situation, I think both Levi and Hange would have fought to conserve lives but if we consider small things, like routines, groceries, small favors, I feel like Levi has an incredibly low threshold of what he’d be willing to do for a random person. But Levi still carried her groceries for her so he could meet her with Moblit in the smartpass. Levi still picked her up and waited for her in Season 2 when she was researching the rock. And for Hange, chapter 115 is all the hint you need. I honestly don’t know if Hange would have gone through those lengths for anyone else but selfishly abandoning commander duties for one guy? She practically said screw you to everyone else. 

The way they talk to each other is different.

This is something I notice in real life too. Most people won’t notice when they themselves do it but it’s incredibly obvious for listeners if the listeners look out for it. The tones of people’s voices change when they’re talking to someone they love. For a lot of people, sometimes their voices get a little high pitched. For others, sometimes their voices get a little softer. Just watch when you’re talking to a friend and suddenly their SO calls. (It might not apply to everyone but I find this incredibly common.) Not just tones, speech patterns change or tendencies too. In front of that one person, sometimes people are a little more selfish. Like maybe, they don’t usually say what they want to eat but when the one person asks, they would answer because suddenly they know what they want. 

With Hange and Levi we have the ‘let’s live together’ and the ‘dedicate your heart’ respectively. 

These are two expressions/phrases they would have not used with anyone else. There was probably more in canon, but these are just the most glaringly obvious ones with two pivotal scenes that blatantly show that Hange and Levi do have signs of the above.  

Hange and Levi who are generally very selfless all business people, are suddenly only selfish with the person they love. Hange with “let’s live together?” An injured Levi deciding to rest and sleep despite the fact that they were in a war because Hange was nearby to take care of him?

Those two were suddenly selfish when they were alone with one another?

They are constantly together.

Okay, irl, you can see this when you have all your friends ride in a car together and somehow, it’s always them taking those two seats next to each other. They leave the classroom together. They leave every single dam room together. And it could be subtle or not but they always wait for one another. Yet if one person is not there, they’re the type to just go ahead and leave without giving the room behind them a second look. When someone wants to buy something, the other always has an excuse to come. And oh my god, when you call your friend in the middle of the night to hang, that person is always in their dam house or in their dam room, no breaks. 

And Hange and Levi have their equivalent of this. 

Levi literally picked Hange from her lab in Season 2 while she was injured and he had no need to. 

I think I have made a post where Levi and Hange are shown constantly together but lemme make some points. Even early in canon, why were Hange and Levi introduced riding next to each other, they’re not even in the same squad. Why were they riding out the gate together? Shouldn’t Levi have been with his squad and shouldn’t Hange have been with her squad? 

Yeah sure, maybe they just decided to ride together. But why were they next to each other in the Ilse’s notebook too when they went out the gate? And even when they were going to take back Wall Maria, Levi and Hange were next to each other in the lift, they were back to back on Wall Maria. 

Like the only expedition where they weren’t riding together was when Levi had to protect Eren yo.

“They’re both leaders of course they were together” Mind you, Levi’s position in the military is a special one. He’s the captain of a special operations squad and not at all a squad leader so he shouldn’t be riding next to Hange if it were by “leaders” and in the retake Wall Maria, if they were divided by “leaders” why didn’t Hange take the lift with the other squad leaders? Why wasn’t she back to back with the other squad leaders on top of Wall Maria? 

Why did she pick to hang out with Special Ops squad Captain Levi of all people, in every. Single. Damn. expedition. Scene. 

And don’t even get me started on post Season 3 man. They’ve been inseparable since Erwin died.  

They literally come in a set. 

And you kinda realized your friends are in love when you wanna invite one of them out and you realized you kinda have to invite their special little friend by default. 

And Hange and Levi are just like that too, 

Hange and Levi have always come in a set. In fan art, in those advertisements, Hange and Levi are always next to each other. In those fan audiobooks, smart passes, there are always Levihan crumbs. Attack on Titan Chuugakkou was literally a testament to the canonicity of Levihan since in that show, they didn’t even hide anything, Levi and Hange were always next to each other. (I think Hange actually ended up living with him towards the end?) Post Season 3, I don’t even think there were many seasons where Levi and Hange were apart and when they were apart it was more of for duty than anything else. 

Hange was always with him when she could, despite her duty as commander. Given their circumstances, they wouldn’t even be together a lot if they didn’t make the effort too. 

Especially towards the end, 126 - 132, the few times Hange did leave Levi behind were for commander duties but Hange never left Levi for the lulz. And also, in 132, Levi was magically able to walk when Hange finally left him behind, and Levi could barely walk in 132, yet he still pushed himself to stand up, walk toward her and attempt to stop her. 

In fact, Hange’s first scenes were next to Levi and Hange’s last scenes were also next to Levi “See you later Hange.”

And I think the huge efforts they put to being together despite their circumstances says a lot already. Hange and Levi’s treatment of each other and their being together constantly in general is a huge testament to the canonicity of their romance. 

Sure, there were no ‘I love yous’. But really, before our irl friends who were in love actually came out to us, maybe months or even years after we’ve watched them be joined at the hip, were there really ‘I love you’s  between them or did we all just place bets on it because they were just being too glaringly obvious about it in how they treated each other? 

[rae-gar-targaryen]

hiiii I’ve been a lurker for a bit but ig it’s kind of my thing to leave long fic reactions in ask boxes in the fandoms I’m in soooo now it’s your turn (and this probably won’t be the last time you see me unless it’s too much and I will absolutely back off)

“That's my girl” YOU TRYING TO KILL ME HERE RAE?

You loved the complete picture it painted, this one side of Peter's body telling the story of this intrepid little creature who journeyed from one end of his world to the other, departing his home to explore something beautiful and unique – the flower. I adore this, if peter had a tattoo I promise you this would be it. Stan Lee would approve I know he would

You just… you look like a muse right now. LADIES AND GENTS IF HE DOESNT CALL YOU A MUSE THEN WHAT IS IT ALL FOR

It was pure, the way poetry spilled from him as though the words were his, made to be repeated on the majesty of his lips. I would give both my kidneys to hear Peter Benjamin Parker recite poetry to me holy fuck

“I can’t hold it forever. I won’t. And you don’t want me to hold it tonight.”  I AM IN PAINNNNN WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME IT WAS ALL GOING SO WELL no but fr Peter���s not Peter without the weight of Gwen’s death yk? And when fics gloss over her loss it makes me grrrr because it sounds horrible Peter needs that grief, it’s what makes TASM Peter Peter. And watching him deal with her death and try to cope with new feelings and the guilt of losing her is spectacular and I really love how you portrayed it here (even if I cried a little)

You were a giver by nature. But when it came time for any hint at reciprocation, the energy was just … never there.  Did someone say oldest sibling syndrome because i felt this in my bones

“Yeah, you know it’s bad when May swears. In Yiddish.” If nothing else, I am a slut for Jewish peter

THIS BOX OF BOOKS IS KILLING ME AAAHHHHHHHH no like I actually think I might cry because *this* is intimacy so yeah just a note for all my future s/os: I won’t be accepting flowers unless they come in book form please and thank you

“But, Peter,” you sighed. And there it was.  “It doesn’t fix everything, you know? You were… the other night… you were cruel. YES WE STAN INDEPENDENT WOMEN IN THIS HOUSEHOLD I AM SO GLAD SHES NOT JUST TAKING HIM BACK WITH WIDE OPEN ARMS

Peter took you in, his forever girl. HE DOES FOREVER NOW AUSJSUSJUSKSHS AAAHHHH

I LOVED THIS SO FREAKING MUCH. It’s got fluff, it’s got angst, it’s got smut, it’s got literary references. everything you could possibly want is right here.

okay so this is like one of my favorites now-

also your smut is *chef’s kiss* fantastic. i want to be buried with it.

My love, my darling, my sweet kind stranger -- I've been hanging onto this ask since you've sent it -- I selfishly want to keep it in my asks forever so I can look at it in my inbox whenever I need. But I'm going to post it because I want to make sure to reply to your extremely kind, thoughtful, unexpected, beautiful message you've left me.

First of all -- THANK YOU FOR READING. You are MORE than welcome to lurk, to comment, to send anons, whatever you'd like here -- you're always welcome. I TOTALLY love the idea of sending reviews via anon. So please feel free to send asks whenever you'd like (and if you'd ever like an emoji here, please let me know. But there's no pressure to do that.) I'm just so FLOORED to have received this at all. So all that is to say, it is NOT too much and there's no need to "back off." Lol. I just am sending you the BIGGEST HUG imaginable right now.

To say that STAN LEE would approve of Peter's spider/flower tattoo???? What an INSANE compliment. You are INSANE for this!! Thank you with my entire heart FOR THAT. I had so many tattoos I envisioned for Peter that I didn't get a chance to really mention or work into the story, and I didn't want to just LIST them. I wanted them to sort of unfurl. But if anyone is ever interested in the masterpost of all of Peter's ink for this AU, I am HAPPY to oblige.

I'm so glad you loved Jewish Peter! To me, Peter B. Parker is bi, Jewish, and a disaster. And I love him with all of my heart.

And GWEN -- the loss of Gwen! I wanted to be as vague about it as possible because we as the reader don't know whatever Peter isn't willing to share, and it's clear he's still in pain about the whole thing. Did Gwen die here? Or did they just break up? I leaned toward the former, but either way, Eden knew it was a sensitive subject.

And when they reunited, it was important to me that she at least STAND UP FOR HERSELF. No female character of mine is going to accept anything less than the best. And a man who takes artsy photos of you, brings you postcards inspired by your tattoo, and plans a picnic date is a pretty good man.

ALSO -- thank you for saying nice things about my smut????? I hate writing it because I think I sound awkward and stupid and like I've never known the touch of another?????? So, gracias por todo. Maybe one day I wont feel like such an awkward weirdo about it. (But I also firmly believe that Peter Parker would be chatty and vocal as hell.)

I think I would write more of Peter and Eden in this 'verse. I think I would just need to have the right prompt/idea. But I'm SO glad you read this. I'm so glad you loved this. You made my entire day! Reading things like this, receiving feedback like this, only makes me want to write more. You made this worth it for me. So, thank you for that gift.

[jaskiersvalley]

I'm absolutely in love with your writing and your fics! Also I ship Eskel/Lambert now so thank you for that. Might I ask for some h/c with my new favourite wolves? Hope you're staying safe and well! 💜💜💜

Yes! Welcome to the Eskel/Lambert ship! It is perfectly set up for some hurt/comfort. This one is emotional rather than physical but I’ve been dying to explore this idea for a while and you’ve given me the perfect excuse, thank you!

CW: Suicidal thoughts, mentions of child abuse (aka Lambert’s shitty childhood)

Beautiful Ghosts

It was well known that Lambert was bitter and angry at everything. Destiny, Witchers, the world at large. He was grouchy, held a grudge and never seemed to have anything nice to say. It was just the way Lambert was and everyone around him grew to accept it. However, some days he was harder to deal with than others. There were times he lashed out at anyone and everyone, heedless of whether they had earned his ire or not. Usually, Eskel could ignore it, could accept that Lambert had difficult days. During those times he spent the afternoon with Geralt instead or made himself scarce. In the evenings Lambert would appear in his doorway, mouth curled down into an unhappy pout and he’d stare, almost like a dog expecting to get beaten. Instead, Eskel would hold up his blanket in invitation and he’d wait for Lambert to crawl in, curling up against his chest. His silence was the only apology and Eskel could live with that.

Time was something they lost track of easily. One year bled into the next, it didn’t matter how many passed them by, the important thing was they’d survived another season out on the Path and they were back together. A few months locked together in Kaer Morhen to weather the worst of the winter before it was a rinse and repeat of the previous year. The cycle was never ending but that was the life of a Witcher.

Snow had settled on the mountain, winter was well and truly in full swing and Lambert was unbearable. He had snapped at Vesemir, thrown Geralt’s gwent deck in his face when he won a round and even spat vitriol at Eskel. Not ever the usual gruff and highly strung “fuck off”. This time he went for below the belt.

“Don’t expect me to come to your bed tonight. I don’t want a pity fuck and especially not from you.”

That had hurt. Eskel didn’t give Lambert the chance to change his mind. He took a blanket and curled up by the fire in Geralt’s room, knowing Lambert wouldn’t ever approach him there. If only that had been the end of it. Alas, Lambert continued to be foul.

“I see you’ve already found another bed warmer. Tell me, does his bulk and ability to truly pin you down make you actually come?” Lambert sneered. “No more forcing yourself to come, screwing your eyes shut and imagining it’s anyone but me ploughing you, right?”

Slamming his slice of half eat bread down, Eskel stalked out of the room, unable to hear Lambert talk like that. At the edge of his hearing Geralt and Vesemir’s less than friendly chiding echoed in his ears but it didn’t mean much. Not when Lambert didn’t sound the least bit sorry.

It didn’t get easier. Training had Lambert hissing and spitting curses, goading Eskel and Geralt until something snapped. Eskel had had enough. He threw his sword to the side and bodily charged and Lambert, scooping him up and pinning him against the nearest wall.

“What the fuck has gotten into you?”

“Wouldn’t you just love to snap my neck and be done with it all?” Lambert laughed bitterly. “Just do it. Put us both out of our misery.

”As though burned, Eskel stepped away and Lambert turned, face scrunched up in anger and misery “Why won’t you just do it already?” he screamed.

Thankfully, Geralt and Vesemir had the good grace to walk away and give the two the illusion of privacy. It left Eskel facing Lambert who looked like he was only standing up out of sheer spite when everything about him screamed hurting and wanting to curl up in a ball.

“Why?” Eskel’s voice broke over the simple question.

“Why not? It’s not like any other death will be better. At least you’ll make it quick.”

Eskel couldn’t breathe as he listened. In the silence he could hear both their breathing, ragged and shallow. As he continued not to say anything Lambert shifted around. He had never been good at the whole silence thing, not when there were things to be said.

“It’s just not fair.” While it didn’t yet make much sense, it was a start.

Stepping closer, Eskel reached for him. After a moment of quivering hesitation, Lambert allowed himself to be pulled in for a hug. It wasn’t quite the usual hug where Lambert held Eskel as much as he was held. Instead, Lambert all but slumped into Eskel, letting the other hold him up. As gently as he could, Eskel lowered them to the ground and pulled Lambert closer to his chest.

“Everywhere I look, it’s misery.” The words were mumbled into his gambeson but Eskel could just about decipher them. “Not a single happy memory anywhere.”

“None at all?”

Lambert shook his head and burrowed closer. “You have Geralt. Shared memories, pranks, games you played.” For a moment Lambert broke off and sniffled. “I don’t have anyone. Childhood here was punishment and bullying. Nobody wanted to be friends with the runt who was always getting the shit kicked out of him in training and then the instructors caned him for being stupid.”

Heart sinking, Eskel closed his eyes. He knew Lambert hadn’t had the easiest of lives but, when put like that, it sounded harsher than he’d dared imagine.

“What about life before training?” Because Eskel knew very little about Lambert’s life beyond what they’ve shared. The scoff and bitter laugh suggested his heart was about to break further.

“Dad was a drunk. Took it out on me and mum. He was so glad to get rid of me when Vesemir claimed Law of Surprise.” It made Eskel wince but Lambert didn’t see it and so continued. “Shit life before being dragged here, shit life while here and then punted out into a shitty world with shitty prospects. I know things are just as shit for you on the Path. But you’ve got memories, these beautiful ghosts to haunt you. Your bumblebee on a string and all that. I’ve got nothing but screaming poltergeists to haunt my every waking and sleeping moment.”

Eskel wrapped himself around Lambert more firmly. “What about more recent memories?”

“The only good ones I have are of you. But we both know that can’t last. One of us will fuck up. Won’t return one winter. Selfishly, I really hope it’s me.”

It was getting cold now that they weren’t moving around. Eskel knew how much Lambert hated the cold. With as much care as he could, he scooped Lambert up and walked them back to the keep, up the old stone stairs until they were in his bedroom. Gently, he stripped Lambert and himself before clambering into bed to curl around Lambert yet again, pulling the covers above their heads. In the warm darkness he finally allowed all the pain to show on his face.

“I’m sorry. I wish I could make you promises but we both know they’ll be broken.” There was no happy ending for Witchers. They took what little scraps of happiness and comfort they could. Until that moment Eskel had never considered himself a rich man but, in comparison to Lambert, he had so much more. “I wish I could share those happy memories with you. But all I can offer is trying to make new ones from now on.”

Maybe it would be enough to help Lambert keep coming back to him. It was a hope he had to cling to. Because all Eskel wanted was to finally be enough for someone else.

[crystallinee-waters]

(This is going to be super long, sorry.) I have a whole truckload of integra feelings that I want to offload onto you, and I also maybe want to make it into a fic someday. How do you feel about a younger Integra, 16-18ish, having to deal with realizing she has a bit of a sadist streak? Because her upbringing had her so familiar with violence, and how her power over alucard slowly begins to carry sexual undertones as she matures, so some wires start to get crossed. She's an impulsive and curious teenager so she starts testing the waters and gets a little rougher with how she pulls on their mental link, gets much more confident with asserting herself to him, tosses gradually more violent threats at him whenever he bothers her, etc. It all gives her this satisfying rush and she isn't yet put off by that or by how he encourages her, so she pushes the envelope more, and one day a playful threat kind of spirals out of control and turns into her (with alucard's enthusiastic consent, because duh) harming him, something like a knife cut or burning a part of his skin with the tip of her cross, just because she can. They're both fully dressed but the sexual tension gets so thick it almost becomes suffocating. And it isnt until this point that she kind of wakes up and realizes that she is starting to follow the same pattern of behavior that her ancestors did, and alucard is selfishly encouraging her to do so. She is playing into a dangerous, weird game, and feels so very angry and embarrassed that in her fun little spiral of lust she didn't think of the consequences. She pushes him away and grows frigid. Eventually she gets over it and things get a little less tense between them, but now there is much more of a formal feeling than there was before, Kinda like how it is in the show. Idk where my point was with this except that integra comes off as somebody who holds back a ton of impulses especially re: alucard, and I always wonder what those impulses are, and what kinds of lessons taught her to be so guarded with him. but YEAH thank you for listening to my giant thought dump i ADORE your fics and this pairing and hope you have a good day!!

This is interesting! I have a lot of thoughts about this as well. I personally can’t see her intentionally abusing him or his connection to her; she genuinely cares about him like he does for her. Naturally, that didn’t happen overnight, so it’s interesting to explore how they reached that state we see at the start of canon.

I can imagine her being more explorative and open with him in her teenage years, making a few mistakes due to immaturity or feelings - he would enable her indeed. It makes sense that it would make her withdraw, realizing that she’s losing her grip on the situation and she reacts by backing off before it can go any further, keeping him at arm’s length like we see in canon.  I like to think that Alucard’s reaction to young Integra acting the way her ancestors did would bring back... a whole lot of repressed aggression and trauma, that with no other recipient for his entire existence’s worth of trauma, it could turn on Integra who would have to prove herself to not abuse their connection and show him what a non-violent and genuine connection is like. But also... maybe he would simply let her act like that because it’s what he knows, it’s what he’s used to.

I love that in fics, that sudden realization am I as bad as my ancestors? I am not like them. I will do better.

Like we know, Integra is not innocent in canon. The end always justifies the means for her even though she doubts it later. She ordered the killing of many innocent people and abuses her position of power over Seras in one instance, so, like a wise fan once said, in another story she could be the villain. She is morally grey af and that brings in the question of nature vs nurture. She does what has to be done no matter what because it’s in her job description/legacy. I think it haunts her, but she also gets power trips sometimes.

We know Richard and Arthur Hellsing were two fucked up individuals and probably were their ancestors not much better, considering the (half fanon?? someone give me sources i’ll be grateful) take on Alucard being experimented on in very cruel ways + his prolonged indentured servitude, etc. Add Integra’s probably very straight-to-the-point upbringing and basically having to act like an adult overnight at the age of 12 after a very traumatic experience. So she’s raised on a world view that includes a “kill or be killed” mentality and it could mess up her perception of things. Like, 12-year-old Integra suddenly having that responsibility, trauma, weight on her shoulders and the only two people she can turn to in the entire world is 1) a butler who’s paid to care about her and who possibly left her to die once already and 2) a traumatized mass murderer vampire who’s enslaved to her.

What does that do to a person? Left by everyone except the people who basically had no choice but to stay, even though she forms strong bonds with them later. That’s why Integra is the way she is, imo.

It would be very interesting to see this explored, her giving in to that darker part of herself if she didn’t have her duty & faith keeping her on track or simply was too young and immature to realize what she was doing. I personally can’t see her being sadistic, but unhinged and temperamental resulting in situations she later regrets.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and good luck with your fic if you write it!!

[tessiete]

“Perhaps, I killed a Jedi and took it from him.” Clumsy fingers beneath sleek synth leather gloves close over the hilt, the silver of it glinting merrily in the grasp of a cold fist. “Impossible,” Lord Vader says. “I am growing tired of your games, boy. I shall only ask once more: who gave it to you?” “I cannot say,” he replies. “Cannot?” says Vader. “Or will not?” “I will not.” His voice is firm, and does not shake. He reaches again for that serenity: a flash of copper hair, [...] of blue eyes.

This is for the writer’s ask where you ask about 500 characters of one of my fics, and I do a deep dive analysis! <3 Thank you for indulging me.

Alright! Better late than never but I’ve been overthinking this because I DO SO LOVE process and meta! So let’s dive in. The commentary.

First of all, let me say that I am a huge proponent of  Korkie Kenobi - and yeah, I’d love to see it canonised - but I think my relationship with this character is a bit more nuanced than people give me credit for.

I was all for arospec/acespec Obi-Wan. That’s the canon I loved. And I was very much not interested in Satine when she first appeared in TCW. But the thing was, once it happened, once they introduced a love interest who played a significant enough role in the story, I felt I could either ignore it...or roll with it. See what it changed. See what it created.

Obviously, the relationship - on a surface level (and tbh probably the only level which the writers considered) is meant to mirror Anakin and Padme. They are the road not taken. Where Anakin and Padme chose each other, Obi-Wan and Satine chose their duties.

This is a...I don’t like this take as an exclusive one, and here’s why: it implies that Padme was also selfish, and made the wrong choice. And yet everything in canon tells us the opposite. She continued working. She jeopardised her career and her reputation to fight against the rise of the Empire. She gave her life trying to prevent it. To put her as a direct mirror of Satine is messy, and to me, cannot justify the creation of Satine enough to convince me.

But I also don’t want to throw away such a huge chunk of TCW narrative. So the other option is to reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally lean in.

At which point, you have to examine not just the immediate symbolism of the relationship, but what each character individually brings. You have to give Satine her own agency. She has to become her own person. Suddenly, all the little bits of information that would normally be overlooked become important. We get so little of her, that everything becomes significant.

And Korkie - who hangs around for a couple episodes, but otherwise has no real importance, suddenly becomes significant.

And that, for me, is the crux of the issue. I hate, hate, hate wasted story elements, and if Korkie is so superfluous as to be negligible, then why did we waste not just money, and time, but story on him. And if he is unimportant, then his relationship to Satine is unimportant. And if that relationship is insignificant, then we lose something integral and revealing about Satine, and now suddenly there is less of her to relate to Obi-Wan, and so anything revealed about him becomes less important, too.

Maybe this feels like a stretch, and maybe it is, but to me, Korkie feels very much like Chekhov’s gun.

And it would drive me CRAZY if he were to go unexamined, and unused.

So this whole story was an examination of “What does Korkie tell us about Obi-Wan that we didn’t know before? And what can Korkie tell us about Vader?”

Because what is Vader if not Obi-Wan’s Fallen son?

This was essentially the thesis for this piece: despite the fact that Vader/Anakin had all of Obi-Wan’s attention, love, and time it is Korkie who truly embodies the legacy of his father.

And while I know that “found family” is a massively important part in the SW universe, I think there’s a larger discussion to be had about other aspects of family. The answer isn’t always that Blood is Bad, and that heritage is shameful or unimportant. Sometimes, where you came from does matter. Some people do find strength, and pride, and hope, and motivation, and support in their origins - even if it’s something they’re divorced from in a physical or temporal way.

For me, Korkie is an opportunity to examine a father/son relationship where neither of the two people have an attachment beyond blood, but -

There is still one of love. 

But instead of Anakin’s selfish, possessive love for his family, both Obi-Wan and Korkie relate to each other, and treat each other with empathy, compassion, and respect. Their love is noble. Selfless. They put entire worlds before each other. And Korkie learned that from his dad.

A personal pet peeve is this constant depiction of kids whose parents are in high stakes jobs feeling neglected or abandoned. How many cop shows have bratty kids acting out because their dad is never home to share dinner? How many medical dramas show the children of doctors lashing out because mom spends more time at work than at ballet class? 

It drives me crazy.

As the child of a medical worker with an on-call schedule, I can say that neither I, nor my siblings, nor any of the other children of my mum’s coworkers have EVER felt neglected. We have never felt unfairly or selfishly entitled to our parents’ time. Because we knew - because someone (another parent? A grandparent? A teacher?) explained to us, and taught us at a young age that what our parents were doing was important. We understood that there were life or death stakes, and that we were very loved, and very much the priority - just not every second. Because sometimes, a life was on the line.

And Obi-Wan Kenobi was fighting to save a galaxy. 

I just cannot in any way believe that a child whose mother was a ruler of a planet plagued with civil unrest and a significant terrorist group, and whose father was a Jedi Master, and in charge of securing peace and freedom across the stars would ever be so selfish, and so uncompassionate as to begrudge the sacrifice of his parents.

Korkie Kenobi is an abject example of selfless love. The kind of love the Jedi aspire to. The kind of love that Anakin absolutely does not understand, and fails to embrace.

And it’s not because Qui-Gon died (Korkie never had that kind of paternal relationship), and it’s not because Shmi was killed (Korkie’s mother also dies tragically), but because of the maturity of the person, and the quality of Korkie’s character.

So to pit a Korkie just coming into his own as an adult, aware of his father, and recently bereaved of his mother against a Vader just coming into his own as a Sith…

That, to me, evoked very interesting narrative avenues to explore.

In this universe, Korkie and Obi-Wan have recently reconnected (Korkie having helped Boil retrieve Obi-Wan from an ill-advised trip to Mandalore where Obi-Wan learned that Anakin had become Vader for the first time), and they both know what they are to each other. Obi-Wan has begged for forgiveness, and given Korkie his lineage, and his legacy in the form of Qui-Gon’s lightsaber - something that Anakin never got. Vader wants it.

So let’s get into it:

“Perhaps, I killed a Jedi and took it from him.” 

This first line - it’s like poetry, it rhymes.

Vader asks where Korkie got the blade, and Korkie replies...in Qui-Gon’s words. He doesn’t know this, of course. It’s just a coincidence. But the remains of Anakin hear it. Anakin recognises it, and it galls him that this boy - Obi-Wan’s replacement of him - seems to be able to claim the lineage he wishes he had. Korkie is stealing his family. And he doesn’t know them. He doesn’t deserve them. He’s not entitled to them the way Anakin is. 

And this is also one of the first things Anakin ever heard a Jedi say. This was the beginning of Qui-Gon’s promise. This is a moment in which Anakin first thought he might find salvation. It was the start of his life, in some ways. This was pure, good, and trusting Anakin Skywalker. 

It’s an absolute anathema to him, now. Now, when he’s lost everything. When he’s filled with doubt, and hate, and fear, and suffering. It makes him angry. Because he doesn’t want to see that he was Korkie. He doesn’t want to see that he had this chance, and blew it. And Korkie - who never had Qui-Gon, who never had Obi-Wan - can speak the words without even (in Anakin’s mind) earning them.

Also, and most obviously, Anakin killed the Jedi. And yet...he didn’t kill Obi-Wan. He did not kill that Jedi, and take this blade.

Korkie is alive. Obi-Wan is alive. Anakin resents it. Obi-Wan should not exist without him. Obi-Wan should have no legacy but Vader. Because Anakin doesn’t. 

Clumsy fingers beneath sleek synth leather gloves close over the hilt, the silver of it glinting merrily in the grasp of a cold fist. 

To me, it was important that we see the weakness of Vader. His hands are not his own. The flesh of Anakin Skywalker is gone, and beneath the serenity of the mask, and the shadow of black, he’s fumbling. Korkie’s wrong-footed him, and he feels young, and insufficient in the face of this boy. This is all about Anakin’s insecurity.

Korkie speaking words he shouldn’t know - speaking in the voice of a literal Jedi - so calm, and so collected (negotiating with the serenity of his father) scares Anakin. He’s hearing and seeing the ghosts of the people he betrayed. 

And the blade itself is merry because it belongs in the hand of Korkie. It knows (and the narrative knows) that it won’t be long in Vader’s grasp. It transcends the dark. It glints, and is optimistic. It’s a symbol of faith. It’s delight in being claimed by Korkie is symbolic of Qui-Gon’s own approval of his legacy. Qui-Gon Jinn chooses Korkie Kenobi.

But the thing is, it’s not because he’s a Kenobi. It’s because he chooses to act, and speak like a Jedi. Anakin fears - and knows - he never received this blade because Qui-Gon Jinn would not approve of what he’s done. This is Qui-Gon’s repudiation of Anakin Skywalker. The blade is laughing at Anakin.

“Impossible,” Lord Vader says. “I am growing tired of your games, boy. I shall only ask once more: who gave it to you?”

And then Anakin answers the same way he did as a child. He is still a selfish, defiant, fearful child. He denies the possibility that Korkie could have killed a Jedi. 

Now, of course, he knows that the Jedi are dead, he knows that Korkie is not a Jedi, and he’s also denying the possibility that Korkie could have done it.

And, more than that, he’s denying the very possibility that Korkie could speak - could somehow know - Qui-Gon’s words. There is no way that this boy should be speaking with that voice. It’s impossible.

It’s a three-fold denial.

As a more technical thing, Vader’s voice was really hard for me to do, because this Vader still had to be recognisable as Anakin. He’s only been Vader for about a year at this point, maybe a little longer, and he’s just been thrown back into his childhood by memory, so the voice had to hit this balance point between Anakin and Vader.

This is an Anakin who uses language to build himself up. He doesn’t quite buy his own authority - it is so easily undercut by an unarmed boy, here, after all - so he makes himself sound like the seat of power...Obi-Wan. He mimics the slightly elevated phrasing of his former master, and condescends, calling him “boy”. He speaks to Korkie in the voice of Korkie’s father. But it’s distorted, and clunky because it is not Anakin’s voice to claim. And he hasn’t had all the practice that the next 18 years will provide him with, yet.

So theoretically, if I did it right, the motivation - the drive of the sentence - is Anakin, but the pattern is an echo of Obi-Wan.

I also think this is probably the third time Vader’s asked Korkie (iirc), and that’s just a classic storytelling technique - things, especially questions, lessons, or events, happen three times. 

Korkie replies differently every time.

“I cannot say,” he replies.

So, at first, Korkie answered a question with a question. He was brash, young, and openly defiant. He replied in the way that Anakin or Obi-Wan may have if they’d been captured. He asked who Vader was. He didn’t know him - he doesn’t know him.

Vader is his brother, and yet Vader - Anakin - has been erased. His own family doesn’t know him. Has no reason to. He isn’t a person anymore. He’s a monster with no face, no name, no history, and no future. He has no claim to his own past.

Then, when Vader asks again, Korkie asks why it matters.

It’s a slight change of tactic, but one that Korkie thinks might put him on a more even playing field. If he knows why it’s important, then maybe they can work out a deal. Maybe he can...negotiate. Again, Vader hears shades of Obi-Wan’s cunning in this kid’s voice.

It also forces Vader to confront the reason he wants this blade - but that reason is intimately connected to Anakin. So Korkie is humanising him. He’s offering Vader a piece of himself. But Vader won’t take it.

Then, after Korkie’s spoken like Qui-Gon, Vader asks again, and Korkie denies him utterly. He cannot say. It’s impossible. It’s something beyond his control.

“Cannot?” says Vader. “Or will not?” 

“I will not.” His voice is firm, and does not shake.

Or is it? Because then, Korkie does what Vader does not. He takes responsibility for his choice. It’s not out of his hands. He’s choosing - deliberately, and decisively - to deny Vader. And he does not flinch. He does not hide. He looks into Vader’s face, knowing he might condemn himself to suffering, and death, and chooses that.

This is Korkie as a Jedi. He makes the same sacrifice the Jedi make - he looks into the Dark and chooses the Light.

And in this instance, he has replaced Anakin because he’s protecting Obi-Wan. Korkie is at Obi-Wan’s back. Korkie is making a choice to shield the person he loves - though he hardly knows him - because it is right. He loves freely, and selflessly. He loves Obi-Wan in a way that Anakin betrayed, but Korkie will not betray Obi-Wan here.

 He reaches again for that serenity: a flash of copper hair, of soft robes, of blue eyes. 

Korkie Kenobi is Force sensitive. Of course, he is. He is the culmination of a series of Light choices, and selfless sacrifice. He, at the end of the Clone Wars, comes out as the very thing they were fighting for. It’s not lost. Obi-Wan isn’t lost - he still shaped Korkie. He still saved something - something of the Force, something of the Light, and something of himself. He saved Satine. He saved the Jedi. He’s not fought and sacrificed in vain.

And so, though it is still rough, and untrained, though, like his relationship with his father, it’s still new, Korkie instinctively seeks to soothe himself, to find peace, so stay calm. In this moment where he is confronted with a Sith Lord, alone, and unarmed he chooses to reach for peace…

And his peace, his hope, is Obi-Wan Kenobi.

He reaches for his dad.

Just like Obi-Wan reaches out for Qui-Gon’s ghost. Just like Anakin reaches out for Obi-Wan (seriously can’t have one conversation without mentioning him). Just like Luke reaches out for Anakin.

Korkie seeks comfort in the Force through the person he most finds solace in. And it doesn’t matter that he and Obi-Wan are nearly strangers, because they choose not to be. And because Obi-Wan is the ideal that Korkie strives for.

Obi-Wan has taught him something about serenity, and bravery, and hope. So when Korkie thinks of calm, and thinks of making his father proud, he sees Obi-Wan. Just flashes in his memory.

And the colours of Obi-Wan are symbolic - the fire of his hair, the chaos of the galaxy and war, the colour of the sand on Tatooine, the heat of its suns, and the shared blood between them. The blue of his eyes like water in the desert, an oasis, a salvation, an open sea, the clear sky, something vast and all encompassing and cool. The soft robes are an embrace. Obi-Wan is a home in the Force.

(Ironically, this is also what Anakin as Vader thinks of, and is thinking of because he also knows Obi-Wan, and so the next beat of this scene shows Vader and Korkie accidentally sharing thoughts. An easy mistake, as they’re essentially running into each other at the same restaurant!)

ANYWAY -

A, um, brief analysis of this passage from Or Else I Shall Be Lost

I hope you enjoyed it!!! And thank you so much @tree-scapes for tagging me!!!!! 

[fatalism-and-villainy]

Nobody asked for a Qi Ye reaction post but here one is nonetheless (at almost 1500 words.... hello.)

[~spoilers~]

One of the first things I can say is that I love love LOVE Priest’s writing style. It’s hard to say how much of this is a translation thing, because I did get the vibe that this translation was a lot smoother and better than the other cnovel translations I happen to have read. But god!! Her style is very densely allusive, and a challenge to follow at times, but so so beautiful. The story’s narration also shifts perspective a lot in the middle of chapters, which gives it this almost cinematic bird’s eye effect for me (except with internal-emotional states more than visuals). I can see it being the kind of thing that might bother people, but I love it – and I think that it ties in with the themes about the ephemerality and impermanence of life, and the way these little moments are all part of a much bigger sphere of existence.

I also like the way she does humour more than MXTX, honestly? I find the slapstick humour in MXTX’s works to be overdone and distracting from the other story and characterization work going on in her works. Whereas here, the humour landed more and also felt like it tied in more with the actual development of character and themes. Like, for instance, Liang Jiuxiao’s battle with the sable wherein he gets scratched every time and exhausts Beiyuan’s entire supply of antidote – it’s over the top, but also genuinely funny to me, AND I feel the comedic setup of Liang Jiuxiao constantly being an unwanted visitor contrasts very well with the entire heartbreaking scenario involving Beiyuan drugging him for Zhou Zishu, as well as his general progression from a Pure of Heart, Dumb of Ass archetype to being completely shattered by the evil and corruption in the world.

(The Sex and Kissing stuff is also, imo, more sensual and generally hotter to me than MXTX’s stuff – not trying to pick on her specifically, she’s just my only point of comparison for these novels.)

The main romance is ehhh… Mixed Feelings? I loved Wu Xi in all the parts he wasn’t playing the role of “love interest who expresses their love via violent jealousy”, but the parts where he WAS…. woof. Like, I don’t necessarily mind jealousy when it’s internal sensations, or when it’s a very intentionally fucked up dynamic, but I like it less so when it’s couple who’s riding off into the sunset and are the only foil to the general aura of melancholy and sadness in a story? Really hope that’s a one-off specific piece of characterization and not a general Thing for Priest…

I did actually like the gradual development of Beiyuan’s feelings, and the way there’s no Big Moment of Realization – or rather, there is a moment of realization, but it’s not super dramatic, it’s just sort of settling into something that’s been there awhile.

Another problem with their relationship for me though, I think, is how rushed the denouement of the book is, and how many important things are glossed over. Like, okay, they’re riding off into the sunset, but are they actually going to talk about the fact that Beiyuan seduced Wu Xi for Deception Purposes and then drugged him…? Taking advantage of Wu Xi’s very earnest and intense feelings in the process? Like, they stay in the capital for three months of negotiations before they leave, all while Wu Xi hides Beiyuan in his house – there must have been conversations and Relationship Negotiations? And yet we don’t See any of that, we’re just treated to them riding off in a carriage with some cheeky little line about how Beiyuan has the rest of his life to make things up to Wu Xi (presumably by having rough sex)… like ok.

The racism… there was a lot of it in the presentation of Nanjiang! I think the thing that stood out to me though was the line about Wu Xi’s having a kind of intuitive understanding of how people are (an intuition attributed to children, even!) despite not being cultured – it slots so perfectly into the kind of colonial propaganda that posits colonized people as having this innate, intuitive understanding of the world or connection with nature or what have you – but of course they’re not mature, they’re not cultured, they don’t have the capacity for rationality, that we do. To be fair, the line I’m thinking of is also applied to Liang Jiuxiao, but it is of a piece with how Nanjiang is characterized throughout the novel – like, oh, they’re so simple! When they like someone they just get married! It’s presented as a romantic ideal, but in a way that portrays Nanjiang as being Simple and Rustic and lacking the cultural complexity of the Great Qing. (Especially since we b a r e l y see the country or its people on the page.)

(Not to mention the way Wu Xi’s bodyguards from Nanjiang are portrayed as being confused and grossed out by him being in love with a man – contrasted with the commentary about how commonplace sex between men is in the Great Qing. Feels very like Nanjiang gets cast as less “enlightened”?)

I think those elements are also part of why the romance doesn’t fully stick its landing for me – because Wu Xi does take in and consider Great Qing cultural stuff, and incorporate it into his worldview alongside the influence of his home culture – and we don’t see Beiyuan doing something similar in return. He wants to leave for Nanjiang in part because he’s exhausted with capital politics and wants freedom, but why Nanjiang specifically? What does the country mean to him? How’s he actually going to fit in there? (This is another thing that also could have been filled in more with more actual writing about what goes down after that final battle.)

I honestly was deeply moved by Helian Yi. I shed literal tears for that man on multiple occasions. I do feel like I would have benefitted from more actual exploration of his past life-relationship with Beiyuan? Because as it was, I felt like that aspect of Beiyuan’s characterization was kind of informed rather than fleshed out – what did he see in Helian Yi in the first place? And I think the unrequited love would have been more poignant if we’d had more flashbacks to when it was requited.

Also, the possible-incest reveal?? What even was the point of that…? (I know people have posited that that’s why Helian Yi originally had Beiyuan killed, but with that final deleted-on-JJWXC extra I feel like it’s meant to be that he thought Beiyuan was responsible for Su Qingluan’s death. Another thing that should have been elaborated on, plot-wise…)

In general, the ending was very rushed. It gave me distinct “project due the next day” vibes.

ZHOU ZISHU!!!! – my main emotional engagement with this, tbh. I loved what was done with him, loved getting to see more of the atrocities he was behind (haha), loved the chilling “ends justify the means” ideological track he was on, loved how enmeshed he was in Hierarchy and political intrigue and how Carefully he handled himself around his social superiors… yeah.  

I am also…. Also losing my mind over the entire Vibe between Zhou Zishu and Liang Jiuxiao. Misplaced devotion… broken pedestals… weird subtextual hard-to-define Feelings... selfishly wanting to hide the worst parts of yourself from someone…. Ahhhhh it’s good. Love those intricate complex homoerotic friendships. If there Exists any fic (whether platonic or less so) that anyone wants to rec… pls do 👀

I have to say, another problem I had with the ending was that I don’t think the tonal dissonance was well-balanced. Like, there’s a very melancholy atmosphere for pretty much everyone except the main couple, and I do understand that their getting away from the capital is the only thing that engenders that happiness (as a big theme of the book is that the politicking in the capital is exhausting and demoralizing – and to my understanding that is similar to the themes at work in Faraway Wanderers.) But I don’t feel as though those two streams were working in communication with each other in the final chapters – I would say that the cutesy scenes with the main couple just felt jarring in contrast to the sadness and regret that permeated the rest of the narrative. I think perhaps they were too saccharine, rather than emphasizing escape and looking forward to different possibilities? I’m not sure. (It also seems questionable to present Nanjiang as an Escape, given that Wu Xi is in charge now?? They’re still right in the thick of politics?) Anyway, this all is why I like the placement of that final extra at the end of the narrative, because it Is a turning back to melancholia that I like to see during nominal happy endings.

[obsessedwithbbandsuju]

Next Time

*Smut Prompt #13 for @2ya2yao​‘s Super Junior Prompt Fic Challenge

You came expecting just a normal dinner outing with the group you’d worked with since the beginning of your career. What you weren’t aware of was that Heechul had other ideas.

Pairing: Kim Heechul/Reader

You nudged Heechul’s hand away under the table with your thigh, smiling pleasantly all the while as you pretended to listen to the account Siwon was telling. Glancing around discreetly to make sure no one would notice, you sent a sharp glare in Heechul’s direction. His only response was eyes flicking toward you for a brief second before he looked away innocently. Mentally reminding yourself to pay him back later, you pressed your legs together, ignoring the urge to grimace at the wetness between them, courtesy of Heechul’s sneaky hands. You’d known him for long enough to not be too shocked when he started touching you under the table – cliché as that was – but part of your brain still couldn’t believe anyone would dare. But then again, it was Kim Heechul.

You were one of Super Junior’s stylists and had been with them since their debut – which was impressive, considering that young back then, the same age as Leeteuk and Heechul (a few months back, that was). Still, Lee Sooman had trusted that you’d be able to deal with the thirteen men. You were very close with all of them, but Heechul… he was a little special to you.

Because, the thing was, you were a bit famous around SM for being able to control the self-proclaimed Universe Superstar. The other stylists, even Super Junior and other artists, looked at you with wonder in their eyes when you put your leash, figuratively speaking, around Heechul’s neck. You knew just how to get him to listen, and had saved other employees from many a headache because of it.

Maybe that was why you often found yourself looking after Heechul, a little bit more than you looked after the other members. You could handle his cheeky, sometimes boisterous personality. You weren’t sensitive and you were just as quick to fire back sarcastic comments as Heechul was, so it was never guaranteed who’d suffer a verbal K.O. during your bantering – you or Heechul.

You’d never considered Super Junior’s second oldest member as anything more than a close friend, though. He wasn’t your type; too loud and too prone to goofing around. That didn’t mean you didn’t love him – you just didn’t think of him that way. You were sure of it, too; the idea of you having feelings for Heechul, in fact, wasn’t even a thought that ever crossed your mind, because you were too confident that that would never be the case.

But apparently, one kiss was all it took for your mind to change. It hadn’t even taken until after the kiss, considering the fact that when Heechul, three months ago, had wrapped one hand around the nape of your neck and pressed his lips to yours, you’d kissed back. Eagerly.

Since that day, well… you weren’t quite sure what Heechul was to you anymore. You did have feelings for him, but if you were willing to pursue a relationship – that was another matter entirely. You firmly believed that dating in the workplace could only lead to trouble; part of the reason why all your previous partners had absolutely no relation to your career. Dating Heechul would completely ruin that.

It didn’t help that Heechul straight-up admitted that he had feelings for you. You were probably the first person who hadn’t accepted his confession right away, if the look of “I’m-not-sure-what-I’m-supposed-to-do-with-this-situation” on his face when you turned him down was anything to go by.

You still couldn’t accept a full relationship with the Universe Superstar, but friends with benefits… that was another matter. Part of you still knew it was wrong and could still complicate things, but selfishly, you threw those cautions to the wind because deep inside you, you wanted to be with Heechul. You still weren’t confident on his romantic prowess, since you could confirm that his longest relationship had lasted about six months, but you were definitely, from firsthand experience, confident in his prowess in other areas.

Back to the present, you could feel Heechul’s thin fingers dancing along your jeans again. Reaching down under the table and pinching his hand, watching with satisfaction as he winced, you stood up in your seat. “I’ll be right back, I’m going to the bathroom,” you announced. You could feel Heechul’s eyes on you the entire way.

Once you reached the empty bathroom, you locked yourself in a stall and leaned against the wall, trying to catch your breath. Thanks to Heechul, the area between your legs was slick and throbbing mercilessly, and worse was the fact that you could hardly even be mad at him when you enjoyed his intimate touches. Your skin was flushed, your chest was heaving, and your thoughts had become very inappropriate for an occasion like this.

When you were confident that the lust rushing through your veins had abated a little, you unlocked the stall door and stepped outside, heading for the sink to wash your hands before you went back to the table. You were just trying them and throwing the paper towel in the trash when the bathroom door opened and Heechul came in.

“What the hell?” you hissed. “This is the women’s bathroom, Heechul!”

He shrugged, closing the bathroom door behind him and locking it. Your eyes narrowed, but you could tell that the heady rush that made your head spin wasn’t because you didn’t want him to be here. “I’ve been mistaken for a woman plenty of times.”

There was a look in his eyes that you understood all too well – and really, it wasn’t like you were unwilling either. You didn’t resist as Heechul backed you against the wall, closing the gap between the two of you, and pressed his forehead to yours. You could feel the warm puffs of air of his breath against your face.

He kissed you. No sign, no warning – he just pressed his lips fiercely to yours, his hand coming up to cradle your cheek. It would have been sweet, if not for his other hand going much lower to cup your ass and squeeze lightly. As he did, he broke from you and groaned. It was quiet, but, to your surprise, you could tell he was desperate. His hardness poked against your thigh through the layers of clothes, and you shook your head.

“We’re in public, you know,” you whispered.

“I know.” There was a devious glint in his eye. Seeing it, your competitive nature flared and you gripped the material of his shirt, flipping the two of you so he was the one pressed against the wall.

“You have no decency, you know that?” you asked hotly, fisting your hands in the fabric you were holding. You didn’t give a chance to respond before you yanked him toward you and kissed him, hard enough to bruise. Heechul moaned shamelessly, giving way to you as you plundered his mouth, exploring every inch of its searing dampness. He seemed to thoroughly enjoy letting you take the lead – body relaxed under your hands, malleable and obedient.

“Neither do you,” he breathed as you pulled away. His lips looked swollen.

“Shut up,” you hissed, even though there was no real force behind it. Unconsciously, you found yourself grinding your hips against him, searching for friction to relieve the persistent ache at your core.

Heechul flashed you an impish grin, placing his hands on your hips and kneeling at your feet before guiding you around so your back was pressed against the wall again. Your eyes widened as he settled between your still-clothed legs, looking up at you. Fuck, why was he so hot?

“May I?” he asked softly, wrapping his fingers around the waistband of your jeans. You could hardly believe you were willing to do this in a public bathroom, but you were certain that you’d go crazy before the dinner was over if you didn’t say yes. You nodded, unable to suppress an impatient moan.

Heechul usually had a thing for teasing, but he seemed just as rushed as you today – probably the fact that the two of you were in public contributed to that. Without hesitating, he yanked your jeans and underwear down, his large brown eyes fixed blatantly on the wetness between your legs. You flushed.

“Don’t just stare,” you demanded, and Heechul complied eagerly to your order. Peeling your jeans and underwear off completely before flinging them onto the ground next to him, he leaned in, his head dipping in between your lower limbs. Your body jerked as his lips came in contact with your core, tongue delving between your folds and lapping at your clit without preamble. You moaned, high pitched and desperate, and it seemed to spur him on. That tongue of his was dexterous – circling around your core, teasing it with darting flicks, flattening against it from time to time.

Caught up in sensation, your head thrown back against the wall, you were taken by surprise when Heechul pulled away, licking his lips. Opening your eyes, you let out a strangled gasp as you took in the sight of him kneeling at your feet, his mouth glistening with your wetness.

“What are you doing?” you asked, voice strained with unintentional frustration. God, you didn’t want him to stop. You needed him to keep going.

Heechul didn’t reply – not with words, at least. Instead, he placed a hand behind your left knee and hooked your leg over his shoulder. Without explaining himself, he dove back in, and you shrieked softly. The new angle provided him absolute access to probe his mouth against your core as he pushed his tongue into you. Your eyes closed as your hands flew down to tangle in his hair, yanking hard against his scalp, but he hardly seemed to take notice.

Heechul was totally relentless after that, never stopping or even slowing down his assault on your core and rapidly-stiffening nub. He worshipped you with single-minded attentiveness, until you couldn’t take it anymore and your entire body tensed for the oncoming orgasm. From then it was just a well-placed flick of his tongue against the length of your clit that sent you spiraling over the edge, clamping a hand over your own mouth to stifle your desperate moans.

As you came down from your high, panting, Heechul nuzzled your waist affectionately. He carefully removed your leg from his shoulder so you could stand on your own two feet again and picked up your jeans and underwear before standing and holding them out to you. Breathless, you took them from his hands.

“Better?” he asked teasingly. Too blissed out from the orgasm to give a snappy response, you nodded. With a soft smile, he kissed the side of your head, fingers brushing against your cheek.

“What about you?” you asked him hoarsely, glancing down at the bulge in his pants.

Heechul shook his head. “You’re tired,” he said matter-of-factly. “I’ll be fine. Besides, this leaves me more anticipation for next time.”

[sky-kiss]

Happy b-day, Ardyn.

Well. Early birthday. Have some disgusting, cavity inducing, Ardyn/Aera fic.

_______

Birthday

_______

His thirty second birthday is spent alone in the countryside.

It is not quite as pitiful as it sounds, granted. There is a town nearby which has provided him respite; his supplies are freshly restocked. Some of his former patients have gone so far as to leave gifts at the door of his temporary residence. The company is there should he wish it.

He simply...prefers the solitude. Ardyn is grateful for his people’s support; he would go so far as to say he loves them. But the praise borders on sycophantic and his birthday is a reminder of more earthly predilections. He is a man as much as he is some divine healer. Selfishly, he wishes to indulge that facet of himself. He slips from the village just before dawn, a humble meal tucked  in his pack.

___

Years ago, before talk of the Scourge or Kingship or anything else had come between them, Ardyn had delighted in his younger brother’s gifts. Somnus was not artistically inclined. Even as a boy his mind had an unflinchingly logical bent. But he had tried.

The boy had enlisted the aid of their mother. Years later, the task had fallen to Aera.

“Somnus,” he remembers her voice so keenly, even after all this time. Aera, arms across her chest, fingers drumming an amused beat against her bicep, hip cocked against the wall. Somnus was, by contrast, unnervingly stiff. “It’s the intent. You’re his brother. He will love whatever you choose to offer.”

Somnus had sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose, “Love does not equate to quality, Aera. Just because he will accept garbage does not mean I should offer it.”

He could imagine his affianced rolling her eyes. They were, in so many ways, the antithesis of one another. It had left them at odds since childhood. If Aera was the sunlight, warm and optimistic and intoxicatingly vibrant, then his brother was the dark. Cool and dismissive and eternally pragmatic.

“Honestly, why do I try to help you?”

His brother’s chuckle drifted around the corner to him, fond despite their (constant) bickering, “Love. You love my dear brother. It makes you…”

“Somnus…”

“...easy to manipulate.”

He had arrived just in time to keep his beloved from striking his brother. The younger man was not in the least repentant. It simply wasn’t in his nature.

Those moments linger with him now. Pretty ghosts to haunt him throughout his sojourn. Ardyn pauses. He catches his reflection in a nearby stream. The man there is smiling and it is a strange sort of duality. The joy of those simpler times is tempered by nostalgia.

Despite everything which has passed between them, Ardyn misses his brother. And Aera.

Not a moment passes where he does not long for her company.

_____

Today is apparently dedicated to tedious self reflection.

He thinks of his first sword. A gift from his father. He had been delighted and had all but herded Somnus into the courtyard to practice. At eight he held every advantage; size, speed, coordination...poor Somnus had spent the majority of the afternoon fighting his way back to his feet.

That had changed over time. Somnus remained shorter by some margin but he possessed an uncanny affinity with the blade. It’s been years since they last sparred but...Ardyn knows enough of his kin’s talent to feel some trepidation.

He remembers stealing Aera away from the Glacian’s temple. She had always laughed, lower lip caught between her teeth as he made his excuses. The gods could have her every other day of the year; today was his. Stupid and selfish sentiments; the boyishness of the argument still leaves him groaning in embarrassment. But Aera had always given chase.

“The Lovers will understand,” she’d said, tugging on his hand and dragging him after her.

He thinks of stolen kisses and laughter and waking up with her weight on his chest.

He thinks of the three of them together. The casual way Aera would chastise Somnus before his moods turned more dour.

Some days he wishes the gods had chosen a different family.

_____

The gods are feeling merciful. There is no reason she should be able to find him; his last letter had directed her to town, nothing more. But she does. She always manages to find him when he needs her most. Aera is radiant in the afternoon sun. It catches in her hair, forms a ridiculous backlight which borders on angelic. He hears his brother snort in the back of his head.

Somnus would call him love addled. Somnus would also be correct.

He’s on his feet before he can think better of it, rushing towards her and sweeping her up in an embrace. Aera laughs, arms flung around his neck. The theatric in him says to twirl her. But she snickers before he’s able to start the motion, her lips moving over the shell of his ear, “Ardyn, put me down. What would I tell the people if you fell?”

He does not. She weighs nothing at all and he’s unwillingly to forfeit the feeling of her in his arms. He carries her back to his former seat, humming as he goes, “The healer of the people dying not in the field, but here amidst the gods splendors. His beloved in his arms? Can you think of anything more poetic?”

She must roll her eyes. She presses a chaste kiss to his cheek, “I see the road has not diminished your dramatics.”

“Dearest Aera, I have had only myself for company. You’ll find my dramatics are far worse.”

But she laughs, a snickering sound as she squirms nearer, “Delightful.”

He does not ask her how she’s found him. Some things are best left to fate, or the gods, or magic. The Oracle has her ways. For once, he’s more than happy to let them remain a secret.

_______

It is his day, she insists. She has nothing to offer him (Somnus certainly would have caught wind of that) aside from her company. It is a far more precious gift than any he has received. The next few hours are spent in conversation. He tells her of his travels (they avoid speaking of the Scourge); she shares her most recent forays into archeology.

“There are some ruins I should like to explore,” she says, plucking at the fabric of his robe. “You should accompany me.”

“I should. It’s been too long since you last endangered my life.”

“Someone has to keep the spark in our relationship, my love.”

Ardyn grins. The evening sun is warm on his skin and he allows his eyes to lull shut. Everything feels less dire in these quiet moments. He is allowed to forget the scourge, Somnus, the failing of his own flesh...it’s all an afterthought. Aera’s fingers smooth over his cheek, touch featherlight and skin cool. A welcome reprieve from his own feverish condition.

She’s frowning, “How long has it been since you rested?”  

He hums, “How long has it been since we last met?”

“Ardyn.”

In better circumstances he might laugh. His beloved is beautiful in her indignation, lips pursed to a thin line as she sits up straighter. Both of her hands move to fist in the material of her skirts. He follows the movement, permits himself a moment of weakness. The Oracle’s ceremonial garments are...impractical at best (as she has often complained). He is treated to a charming flash of upper thigh.

“Honestly,” she says, grumbling. There’s a hint of pink coloring her cheeks, spreading down the column of her throat. “It’s a wonder you have survived this long.”

“Let us call it ‘the will of the gods.’”

“I would just as soon call it pure, dumb luck.”

And he does laugh at that. Sharp and surprised and open in a way only Aera ever manages to illicit. He shakes his head,  “Feeling a touch heretical, are we, dearest?”

She arches one pale brow. It is a patently ridiculous challenge. She is a slip of a woman and he dwarfs her in every sense of the word. Aera squares her jaw, head held high as she shuffles forward on her knees. She stops only when they are pressed flush to his own thigh. She reaches out, taking his face in her hands, “Only when merited. The Oracle is a messenger of the gods. But she is a servant to her king.”

He turns into her touch, smiling at the way she shivers as his lips trace the narrow bones of her wrist, “Oh, Aera. I would much prefer you sit at my side than at my feet.”

Her pale eyes flicker with mischief, “There are merits to both positions.”

She swallows his snort in a kiss, all softness as she presses to his chest. He will never understand precisely how she manages to smell so pleasant. Days of travel and she is still all honey and lemon. Pretty things, delicate with hidden sharpness. Ardyn winds his arms around her.

It is, perhaps, cliche to say she brings him peace. The omnipresent burning beneath his skin, the headaches...they all fade away to a dull thrum when Aera is beside him. She pulls away from him, fingers curving behind his neck, leading him to the curve of her throat. He is all too happy to hide his face in the fall of her hair, nose tweaked against the sharp ride of her jaw.

“Stay with me tonight,” the words are whispered against her skin and she shivers, clutching him tighter.

“Is that all you want? Ardyn, this is your day. Ask me for anything at all.”

He shakes his head, pressing his lips to her pulse. Even that little request is selfish. It is dangerous for him to remain in one place; it is more dangerous still for Aera to slip away from his brother’s watchful eyes, “I will accept everything you offer, Aera. But I will only ask you to stay.”

She presses her lips to the crown of his skull. Perhaps she thinks him foolish. If she does she refuses to say. Aera curls herself around him as best she’s able, clutching him as if the world will tear him away. It is a challenge: to man, to the world, to the gods. And if there is some heresy in her defiance...he will gladly weather it. He tucks his nose against the rise of her breasts; he listens to the steady thrum of her heart.

Whatever the coming weeks or months or years bring, they will have today.

For now, that is enough.

[kasienda]

What's your favorite version of Sailor Moon: Manga, Classic, or SMC?

First, thank you for sending me this ask! I needed something to get me back into the game! 

I’m definitely most familiar with the Classic 90s anime. That was my first exposure to Sailor Moon and what got me initially hooked! I definitely watched the DiC dub episodes over and over again when I was in middle school and high school. Once, I got to college I was exposed to the subtitled version and fell in love even more! I also got to see Sailor Moon Super S and Stars, which I hadn’t watched as a kid. This is definitely the version where my characterizations of these wonderful characters tends to sprout from, though I’m not completely loyal to these character interpretations either. 

That being said, the Classic anime has some issues! My biggest complaint was the level of filler! The first season is 46 episodes, but you can cut it down to 26 by keeping all the plot and main character relevant episodes and it feels far more compelling to me! I also remember feeling like the anime itself could be condescending to Usagi’s character at times, but this was not as great of an issue in the Japanese version, and since I loved her, this irritated me. 

And I know that many had issue with Mamoru being a jerk to Usagi before he remembered their past lives. I do prefer a head canon where he falls in love with Usagi first before he remembers anything, but I think I also just interpreted his behavior as the “I don’t need anyone, so I’m going to push everyone away” even as a kid. I also later learned that in Japanese culture you are expected to be polite and reserved pretty much all of the time. And the fact that Mamoru and Usagi bicker (and Usagi and Shingo bicker) is actually a sign of closeness in their culture because they are showing their real feelings instead of the polite reservation that is expected. So this didn’t really bother me personally, but I understand the criticism.

I first read a two page summary of the Manga first Dark Kingdom arc near the time when I first started reading Sailor Moon fan fiction because I wanted to know the background of where people were coming from. And I remember being floored by the plot structure! The relationship between Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Kamen was beautiful based on trust and respect rather than mystery and suspicion. I loved the back story of the Shitennou and their relationship with Mamoru (though the implied relationship with all the senshi felt contrived - doesn’t mean I don’t LOVE senshi x shitennou stories though!), and the arc of Usagi struggling and failing to stay way from Endo even though she knows it’s not really Mamoru was just so human! And her having to kill him in the end - talk about a strong feminine theme! Beautiful! (I also really appreciated the different portrayals of Rei and Minako in this version!)I got all this from a summary mind you! So then I went on a quest to actually find the Manga. And I was to discover that the “summary” I read wasn’t a summary at all! It was almost the whole script verbatim in paragraph form! And honestly, I’m not a huge visual person, so the drawings and the artwork didn’t add a whole lot for me (probably because I really only looked at them closely enough to figure out who was talking). And don’t get me wrong! The artwork is GORGEOUS! It just wasn’t enough for me to connect with it. So, I loved the manga in concept, but I was honestly incredibly disappointed with it’s execution. I felt that every character was based on a brilliant archetype, but that those archetypes were not explored to the depth that I desired. 

When Sailor Moon Crystal was announced I was beyond excited! I was hoping for something that followed the story of the Manga, but had the character development of the original anime without the filler. But the first story arc followed the Manga also almost verbatim. Episodes felt empty to me. Like Crystal is beautiful! But it’s like initially I felt it was all pretty crystals and no heart. I gave up on it shortly after the Dark Kingdom Arc. 

I did end up coming back to it though. Ironically what drew me back was screen caps and animated gifs. So many of them portrayed so much raw emotion and I was just struck by it! I didn’t remember that being there, and I wanted to see those scenes for myself, so I came back. And I found that without my expectations in the way, Crystal has some beautiful moments. Like gorgeous moments, especially the further you go in the series. I don’t find it as compelling as the original anime though.So, in the end I find myself coming to the conclusion that the fandom is my favorite version of Sailor Moon. The world of fan art and fan fiction where we can combine the beauty of all of these worlds together and highlight the parts that speak to us, or recreate the parts that didn’t quite resonate to us. Honestly, I feel the best fandoms for fan fiction ARE the ones that are under developed. 

Image Credit: CloverCard on DeviantArtFor example, Avatar Last Airbender is one of my absolute favorite series of all time, but I struggled to write anything for it because it felt so whole to me already. I read some fics here too, but I just didn’t need them, so this fandom couldn’t hold my attention the way Sailor Moon can. The more I read about Naoko Takeuchi’s thoughts behind her ideas, the more I love and respect her and this world she gave us! And I’m selfishly glad that she also left room for us to splash around in it too! And I love that she’s a fan fiction fan herself! (Do you think she writes any Sailor Moon fan fiction? Or would that automatically be canon? Haha!) P.S. I noticed you didn’t mention PGSM, which is fine because I have no exposure to it at all! But some people love this version and I didn’t want it to be forgotten!

[gokailyger84]

So here’s an idea I just had, that I’ll be coming back to after I finish some of my currently running fics

This is a direct result of a story I saw, that sounded like it was going to do something different but in my opinion, fell flat and didn’t really do any exploration with the idea.

This is ABO universe.

Brian is a Beta and Dan is an Omega.  Dan one day confesses his feelings for Brian not long after he joins grumps.  Brian is surprised but very happy. They start a relationship.  

Arin is an non-typical Alpha married to Beta Suzy. They have been together most of their lives.

Dan takes heat suppressants because he doesn’t have an Alpha and heats are very hard on Omegas.  He has to take more than usual to be able to work with Arin and his Alpha scent.

Only Brian knows Dan is an Omega.  

One night during a long grumping session, Dan’s suppressants wear off.  Arin not having much experienced with Omegas and his own instincts is triggered into a rut by Dan’s sudden pseudo-heat.  They end up sleeping together and an accidental mating happens.

The next morning they are devastated to find out what they’ve done.  They are both afraid of losing their lovers.  Especially since they can feel the bond between them.  A bond they can’t have with Betas.  

Suzy and Brian are understandably upset.  Brian actually leaves he’s so angry.  Dan is distraught.  Arin tries to comfort him.  His instincts telling him to comfort his mate, but Dan isn’t having it. He just lost his best friend and partner over his biology.  He apologizes for keeping his status a secret and ruining everything.  Grumps is put on hiatus, uploading backlog episodes for the time being.  

Arin and Suzy end up having a talk alone.  Arin apologizes for what he’s done.  Suzy asks Arin if he loves Dan, which he does but not in the same way.  He insists it was his Alpha instincts that drove him to do what he did.  Suzy isn’t so sure but she accepts his apology.  She admits that she used to wish that she was an Omega, believing that Arin wouldn’t stay with her.  Time proved her wrong and she was happy that they remained together, until they met Dan.  She had a feeling about him but wasn’t quite sure what it was.  His Beta-ness always seemed odd to her but she pushed that aside and latched on to the tight friendship between Arin and Dan.  How quickly they became so close to each other. Chalking her feelings up to that. Now she understood why.  They were naturally drawn to each other.  Putting that aside, Arin tells Suzy that he chose her and doesn’t want anyone else but he’d understand if she wanted to end it. Suzy sees how remorseful and sincere Arin is.  And even though she still feels some heartache, she forgives him.  She doesn’t want to lose Arin anymore than he wants to lose her.

A few days pass, with no one having seen nor heard from Brian.  Dan has been staying with Arin and Suzy.  He’s an emotional wreck and someone needs to keep watch over him.  

Suzy and Dan end up having a heart to heart over the whole situation, coming to an understanding.   Dan is happy that he hasn’t lost his friends but he can’t help but believe he has lost the love of his life.

Brian eventually comes back and apologizes for taking off.   Brian had did some self-reflection on what it meant to be a Beta.  The more he learned, the more he started to believe that maybe statuses shouldn’t crossover.  They all have roles in nature.  Should he be challenging that.  Brian’s entire belief system is on shaky ground.   Brian had come back with unsure intentions of freeing Dan from him.   Before Dan can approach him though, Arin takes Brian aside to talk.

Brian reveals that he feels like he’s completely lost Dan now and curses that he’s s Beta, unable to provide what Dan needs.  He says it was just a matter of time before Dan found his way to Arin. He tells Arin that he can take care of Dan better than he ever could.

Arin stops him, actually getting angry, to the surprise of Brian.  He apologizes for what happened and tells him that despite all of that.   Despite him and Dan now being mates, Dan still needs him.  Arin and Dan may be compatible physically and have a deep friendship but they don’t love each other the same way they love Suzy and Brian. Who they chose to love was never based on their biology.  If that were the case, Arin would have found an Omega long before he met Dan and he was sure Dan would have done the same, finding an Alpha.  Arin insists that Dan loves him and is happy with him and that what happened is destroying him.  

Brian listens and feels bad for causing more distress for Dan.  They return and Dan and Brian go to talk alone.  

Dan apologizes over and over, telling Brian he didn’t mean to, that his instincts overtook him.  Tells him that he loves him and doesn’t want to lose him.  Brian hugs Dan and apologizes too, for letting his emotions get the better of him.  He admits he’s always felt inferior to Arin in many ways. Being a Beta and selfishly holding onto an Omega he can’t truly satisfy just added to it.  Dan tells him that he loves Arin but not in the same way he loves Brian.  Why does he think Dan kept taking suppressants instead of finding an Alpha?  Dan doesn’t want an Alpha.   He wants Brian.  Brian feels an immense amount of relief hearing that.

The two then go out and join back up with Suzy and Arin.  Dan asks what should they do now?  They’ve all made up but Arin and Dan are still mated.  Arin and Dan would need each other for their heats and ruts now that they were bonded.

Brian and Suzy both tell Arin and Dan that it’s okay.  They now understand that what’s between them is purely physical and don’t mind that they have to go to each other for relief.   Brian adds in, that if it develops any deeper(he has a feeling it will) that they can try a quad relationship between the four of them.   Everyone agrees and things eventually settle into a new normal for the two couples.

[papofglencoe]

For muttpeeta

Amy, I wanted to send this as an ask, but it turned out to be too embarrassingly long for that. Sorry. You know how I roll… why say something in 60 words when I can say it in 600? lol. So… I know you didn’t ask for this (and I hope that’s not something you groan inwardly to yourself when you read it), but I wanted to share my thoughts with you about your writing and what it is that it means to someone like me. If you’ll allow it. :p  

I think I must have written you about a dozen love letters about The Act over the past year-and-a-half, and instead of talking more about the epilogue (which was wonderful), I wanted to take a second to thank you for what you've done as a fic writer, because The Act wasn't just a great piece of fanfiction, but your last multi-chapter one too. And you deserve an homage for what you've done for the fandom (and what I know you'll continue to do, so don’t take this as any sort of fangirl eulogy).

I wasn't here in the beginning to see how things started, but I've read enough fics to see that many of them, including my own, started out as GBT and canon-compliant fare. Many people have found fruitful grounds in that and still, years later, continue to find new and creative ways to explore Everlark's lives in-Panem. But it always felt like a bit of a creative graveyard to me, personally. I wasn’t really ever inspired to write about the what ifs to Everlark’s lives in the world SC created. And that's where you come into play.

Of course you have written brilliantly in-Panem, and many times (see exhibit A: Hero of the Story). But where I think you shine the brightest is through your AUs, especially your modern AUs. I’ve seen so many readers and writers, including myself, drawn to Everlark in our modern world because, in large part, of the stories you’ve written. You’ve provided so much to draw from and be inspired by. And, within that, you've demonstrated time and again that writing relationships- and the sex that takes place within (and outside) of them- isn't just porn without plot. It isn't just kink for the sake of titillation. It isn't something to be derided and dismissed from some spurious moral high ground. Relationships in the real, modern world are complicated, messy, beautiful things that seldom follow the straight trajectory from knowing what you want to getting it, and by no means always follow the socially prescribed, heteronormative narrative of like to love to marriage to babies. Sex isn't always tied to sensibility. (It isn't always tied to anything at all...) And you've given voice, in a way that is uniquely and singularly yours, to the real experiences of many women.

Every single one of your stories is infused with a feminist, progressive heart, and you've been instrumental in creating an environment where a community of women can come together to discuss in an open and meaningful way their sexual experiences and desires. That's a radical act of resistance against the patriarchal values and manufactured myths we are sold from the time we're old enough to recognize our own faces in a mirror, myths that tell us, among other things, that a lady never kisses and tells, that true love’s kiss cures all evils, and that the correctness of sex is determined by how penetrative and procreative it is (within the bounds of most holy matrimony). What about those of us, like me, who don’t believe those things, who want to know what sexual relationships look like for humans who behave like humans? Who mess up, make mistakes, learn too late- or not at all- and who are, somehow, still good people?

So thank you for so much... Not just for giving Everlark an HEA in The Act (brava!). But thanks for being someone who champions other women and our inner lives- our thoughts, feelings, fears, and sexual experiences- and for doing it without judgment. Thanks for being a support to other writers, and an inspiration. This place wouldn't be the same without you, and I can say for certain that many people, including yours truly, wouldn't be writing if it weren't for you. I personally feel very indebted to you, and there's really no way to repay that except to thank you for being you.

It's bittersweet to see you moving onto the next great thing, because of course, selfishly, it's a gift to have you as a neighbor. But you're destined for so much. And to do anything less than the next great thing you want to do would be to waste your ambition and talent and heart. So go blaze your own trail, and know that you've got friends right behind you, covering your back and cheering you along the way. I’m not allowed to bet, but if I could...

Love, c

@muttpeeta