#selfish bullshit and introspective musings

[ravynfyre]

rl drama crap. I'm basically being selfish, but I need to get this off my chest...

warning, this is long as shit because drama.

I didn't keep in touch with most of my old high school folks because 1) most of the high school folks treated me like shit when we were there and 2) the ones who were my friends started treating me like shit as an adult, so what's the point. I have new friends now.

There's a couple, tho, that I didn't ghost... one who was a very close friend who underwent a serious brain injury, and is now... basically she's a child stuck in an adult's body. We keep in touch because I'm the only one of us "forever friends" who *did*, and she remembers that. Unfortunately, she also has basically made me her lynchpin of sanity, and it's actually pretty stressful getting mentioned by her all the time for not being available enough, and her jealousy because I *do* have other friends, and the fact that I live close to 4 hours away now means that we haven't actually physically seen each other since before covid. But I suck it up and tend to delete the comments on my posts that are... inflammatory because she literally doesn't understand what she is saying or commenting on? And just soldier on through the jealousy because she's not actually capable of understanding what she is doing to me or why it might suck. It is what it is and we make it work.

There was another friend, though, who was a friend, but... like a peripheral friend? We were in the same friend group, we were close, but we weren't *close* close. We'd comment on each other's FB stuff, but we didn't even chat on FB because we just weren't that close. But we kept an eye out for one another...

right up until he started having a protracted mental health crisis. Part of the crisis involved potentially rehoming his dog, and, if any of all y'all playing the home game here have been paying attention, I do have a soft spot for dogs. So after he got over some furor about a vaguepost about rehoming his dog, he contacted me privately and asked if I could help. I wasn't *actually* looking to bring another dog into my pack right now, but I knew the dog and figured, "I should be a friend and help him out." So we sorted out that, at a minimum, when he had to work out of town for a week coming up, that I would take his dog on for the week to see how that went.

Then he proceeded to string me along for nearly 18 hours: "I'll be there in the afternoon." "Oh, I had something come up, I haven't left yet, but I'm leaving soon." "Oh, still haven't left yet, would you mind staying up late for us?" "Uh, so, this thing happened.." And, eventually, what was supposed to be an afternoon arrival, became him showing up at 9am the next morning... and yes, I stayed up nearly the entire night waiting for him, or at least for an update, because he could never fucking let me know what was going on until *I* poked him. But eventually the dog was dropped off, and the dog's a sweet little guy who is a potted plant with fur, and has slotted into my pack quite well.

So. Dog has been with me for 36 hours. No issues. Dog is sweet. Friend calls me at... 8pm? I think it was? "Can your dogs do without you for about... 5 hours?" uhhhh.... yeah? sure? Why? "Because I'm [two and a half hours away] and I need a ride home from someone or this hospital won't let me leave." JFC, what happened!? Are you okay!? "Oh, I'm *fine*, but my family thinks I'm having a manic thing and that I should check myself into this hospital, but I don't want to do that, so they threatened to call the cops and have me involuntarily taken in if I left without someone supervising me. I'll pay for your gas! I wasn't going to call you because I didn't want to bother you, but no one else I know is available or willing." (not even his own family, although, admittedly, the nearest ones *are* 5 hours fro his location)

....hoo boy. This... this just doesn't sound like the kind of circus I want to involve myself in, but he's a friend, and he's in need, and I'm weak to saying no to people who need help, and especially people I know... so I tell him that I'll be on the road in 15 minutes, and to text me his exact address. And thus, I spend 2.5 hours on the road to arrive at this hospital, to the exact entrance he told me to come to... and I wait. And wait. And wait, until he sends me a photograph of where he is, which is a completely different entrance, all the while insisting that it is the entrance that I am sitting at waiting for him. (how many red flags has this been now?) But I eventually get him loaded up and we hit the road.

Of course, when I stop for fuel, he "forgets" that he promised to pay for fuel, and he's *definitely* in the middle of a significant mental health crisis, so I choose not to pester him. My truck takes a lot of fuel, and this pump only let me do half a tank at a time, so he "remembers" that he was going to cover fuel soon enough that he catches the second half the tank. Then we are back on the road, and he is talking to people about trying to figure out how he is going to make it back "home" from my place (another 2.5-3 hours north of me) and eventually tells his wife that he'll find a greyhound the next day, and I'm like, no. 1) the nearest greyhound depot is an hour north anyway, and 2) I'm not putting a friend on a greyhound for home, MUCH LESS one in the middle of a mental health crisis. That is a recipe for someone getting *shot*. So I tell him that I will just take him all the way back home, either then, or in the morning. We all (him, me, his wife, his parents, his sister, his boss) decide that that is a good plan, and so opt for the next morning. This is when I figure that I will just make it a trip and go see the first friend from up there while I am in town(ish) and just get it all over with at once. (and maybe visit my parents' graves, while I am at it. depending on timing. full trauma trip ftw!)

Next morning, he informs me that his parents are going to meet us halfway because, even though he only paid for half a tank of fuel, it was going to take another full tank (at least) to get him home and me back home, and he really "just couldn't afford that after all". So I resign myself to racking up a couple hundred on one of my credit cards, because, yeah, and I'm very glad that I hadn't messaged brain-injury friend to tell her I was coming up that day, because now I am not. We also decide that I will keep his dog for the time being, because he has to come back this way in a week, so he can get him then, and it will be less hassle dealing with his dog *and* his family right now, and I'm like, cool. That's fine.

Drive him north and get to where we are meeting his folks at less than a minute before they pull in, so win and pie. They buy us all lunch (and PIE, so it literally *was* win and pie!), and he... wanders off a few times during the meal, wherein his parents grill me on his state. I agree that he is in the middle of a mental health crisis, but that no one can legally commit him involuntarily because he is not actually a danger to himself or anyone else. That's my professional, paramedic opinion. That he needs a stable, *familiar* environment, and he needs to talk to his therapist, pronto. Mom is not happy; she was hoping that I would agree to commit him. Sorry, can't do it in my state. Maybe things are less strict in yours, but not here. Then she asks if I could "take him on for a while."

No. Just no. He is NOT my responsibility, and I do not have room in my tiny house, and do not have enough mental health, myself, to deal with his issues. No. Sorry, but no fucking way. I have his dog. He needs his family and his therapist, and this is not my fucking circus. (Said much more politely, of course, but I was firm.) Se's disappointed, but agrees that my 900 square foot farm bungalow probably wasn't a good place for him. Fortunately SHE and her husband remember to cover my fuel, because HE "forgets" for a third time, so at least I'm not going into debt over this fiasco. He loads his stuff in their car, and we part ways.

Three days later, I leave for horse camp. Something I told him, his family, and his wife, *multiple times* that I would be completely out of contact for. And in that 10 days, I got roughly 8 requests to facetime with him so he could see his dog. The dog that was staying with my farmsitters while I was in another state. And each time, "oh yeah. I knew that. Okay." and ten hours later, another fucking request. That whole trip ended up NOT being the vacation that it was supposed to be, and he really did not help.

Get back and radio silence from him for two days... which was odd as we were *supposed* to talk about him getting his dog as soon as I got back. Then his *wife* contacts me. He's radio silent because he's *in jail*. For assaulting her - IN FRONT OF HER KID. She wants to make sure that I will "be there for him".

Not to sound like a shitbag, but... I will be there for him inasmuch as I *can*, however, HE IS NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY, and I am NOT a mental health provider. I am NOT going to "take him on." I am NOT going to invite him into my home, especially now that he has resorted to violence with someone. Yeah, I'll talk to him, but I ain't no shrink, and I have my OWN issues - involving a major emergency that resulted in the death of my new beloved mule, so I was pretty fucked up (and sick as shit with what turned out to be covid, to boot) too... so...

Yeah, I'm selfish. I'm not going to race to another state again and leave my farm in the lurch to hold someone's hand who HAS mental health resources, just because I did it once for an emergency. ESPECIALLY not a domestic abuser. Sorry, not sorry. I'm not going to prison for defending myself. Or my dogs.

I explain gently that I'll do what I can, but, honestly, she needs to worry about herself and her mental health, rather than his right now. That SHE is the victim, and I'll take care of his dog for however long that takes, even if it's forever... but I'm not leaving my home right now. Okay. cool. We're solid.

Then the day of the mule emergency, he pesters me several times to "see his dog", and when I tell him that I can't, as I am literally in the middle of an extreme emergency, he says that he's "only a couple hours away, he'll leave right away to help me." Y'know what? That's sweet, but no. DO NOT COME DOWN HERE. He can't actually help me, and having him around will make it so much worse. So he finally concedes and stays home, which is good, because he has a court date in two days anyway!

I don't hear about how the court date goes. He's radio silent again. I'm assuming he's getting evaluated or something. Honestly, my mule is dead, I'm sick with covid, and I do not give a fuck. I try to move on with life, which is fucking hard, and I still have a hard time NOW dragging out of bed, because I failed Ranger, and that whole 20 hour mess was just so terrible. But on we go.

A week or so later, he starts messaging me again, agitating for a "video call" so he can see his dog, and, despite the fact that I do NOT "video chat" with ANYONE, I finally relent, because, dog. I can grok that. That was a couple nights ago, and he opens the chat with him, shirtless, in bed.

Uh, no. Sorry. But I'm not comfortable with that. So I promptly get down on the floor and keep the camera aimed at his dog so he can get his dog fix, and so I don't have to see him shirtless in bed. Eventually, he keeps the camera on his end aimed off somewhere that isn't even his face, so it's easier for me, but that was mainly, I think, because he just got lazy about holding his phone. Then toward the end of the call, "Can we make this a regular thing?"

PANIC!

Uhh... I'll try, but I really don't talk on the phone much, and I do not do video chatting at all. But I'll try what I can, so you can see your dog. Okay, cool, and then he goes off on a rant about his wife and his family, that included chestnuts to the effect of: "I know that my wife was well within her rights to file a police report as a *victim*, but she didn't really think about what that would do to *me*." And: "My parents were apparently there that night, and they *urged* her to file a report as a victim, in the hopes that I would end up getting taken to the hospital, since I won't go willingly. And it makes me really mad that they didn't even either know, are care about the fact that doing so could have, or might even still *could* result in 30 days of jail time for me! (You know, for physically assaulting his wife.) Just to get me into the hospital!"

And he is saying this shit without even the slightest understanding that, mental health crisis or no, HE IS NOT THE VICTIM HERE, and his opinions about his care and feeding stopped having any relevance the moment his hand contacted his wife's body. But I managed to not go off on him about his victim blaming, responsibility ducking bullshit. I should have just let loose, though, I think. But "he's my friend" and "I should be more supportive"... or something, I guess.

Okay. Tonight, at 8:15, he messages me out of the blue, "Can we chat tonight? 8:30?"

No. Fuck you, no. I do not video chat, and I need to work myself up to that. I don't even answer the NON-video phone for unexpected calls, except from, like, three people. I'm sorry. I'm selfish. But I do NOT handle sudden changes in my plans well, even if that change is from "computer screw off time" to "chatting with someone I know". I know I'm a shitty person for that, but, seriously, no. I had a fucking micro panic attack when he asked me that, and had to spend some time calming myself down before I could coherently message him back that, no, tonight wasn't good, but tomorrow would work. He was very disappointed but agreed for tomorrow night. It's in his "calendar" so he doesn't forget. Okay, whatever. So now I have 24 hours to work myself up to do another fucking video chat, and it'll be interesting to see what he shows up in this time.

But I swear to dog that if he goes off on that "what about MEEEE?!" shit again, I am not going to suck it up. I am going to have a come to chuthullu moment with him, because, no. Unless your spouse is trying to murder you, or is spouting nazi rhetoric, THERE IS NEVER ANY EXCUSE FOR PHYSICALLY ASSAULTING YOUR PARTNER. Or your friend. Or who the fuck ever.

And I feel partially responsible, because if I *had* urged his folks to commit him involuntarily, maybe he wouldn't have been out to assault her. Maybe he would have gotten the whatever he needed. He'd at least have been forced to take his fucking meds correctly for a few days. That couldn't have done anything but help.

But I'm really fucking regretting *ever* having answered him, right from the beginning, when it started with his dog. The dog is great. Little bit of a pain in my ass, since it's another body to deal with, but he's harmless and sweet and only a *tiny* bit of a pest. But if I had just ignored that ask, or said no, then maybe my friend would not have dragged me into his fucking circus that I feel somewhat trapped in now... and I really doubt that he would have called me at night to drive to another state to pick him up, thus cementing me as the "first among all of his circle of friends". I don't WANT to be first. I don't even want to be in that circle, to be honest. I get enough pressure to perform from my brain-injured friend. I don't need another fucking person pouring the foundation of their mental health upon the pilings of MY availability and attention! And yes, I know that makes me a shitty friend and a shitty person, but I can't. I just can't.

And there's a big part of me that just kinda wonders... we weren't this close of friends before. Not when I burned my house down. Not when I got a divorce. Not when my dad died. Not when I was injured and had to give up my DREAM. Not when my mom died. I only got an invitation to his wedding because our whole friend group got an invitation, not because of any other perceived or actual connection. We were never *this close*... until he needed someone and no one else would do it.

the firefighter part of me enjoys being the person people turn to for help. but there's a difference between asking for help, and taking advantage of... and i just keep trying to remember that, in the event of an emergency, you should always secure your own oxygen mask before assisting with anyone else's.

even if that makes me the shittiest person in the world.

[tamikkogivesbrain]

Obsessed or nah?

Mental illness or nah?

Weird Twilight Zone Episode or nah?

Restraining order or nah?

This whole story makes me sad. I honestly wish people lived to love themselves more. Being inspired by someone is why we are all put on this planet. Envy, competition, weak mindsets and low vibrational intentions are things We as a Collective need to move out of. If someone is offended by you copying them, stop copying them. Do not move into someone else’s life out of spite. Create your own. Grow to love Yourself.

Introspective by: TAMIKKO BEASTY

What is Divine Masculine and Feminine?

In the same way, the feminine is waking up to her divine qualities and offering these gifts to the world, so the masculine is awakening to a new (actually old) way of being with the feminine. ... The awakening masculine supports the feminine aspect in visionary women and men, so they can bring their gifts into the world.

What is Divine Feminine?

Since the Divine Feminine is a concept grounded in spirituality, definitions can vary depending on who you ask. ... In other words, the Divine Feminine represents the connection to the part of your consciousness responsible for nurture, intuition, and empathy, regardless of your gender.

What is divine energy?

The most important part of the human body is the latent divine energy which lies between our skins to inner conscience, the potential energy or Shakti. ... In yogic parlance the soul is called 'purusha shakti' and energy of nature is called 'prakriti shakti'or kundalini energy.

I wrote a story months back about a person impersonating my essence for many years. I wrote it from a generic 3D perspective. Mostly because I did not want to dig deep. (This whole blog is filled with sci-fi episodes of The Twilight Zone.) I have been in review of True Self lately. The end cap to a very lonnnng journey inward, and away from secular conditioning. As I gear my mind to mentally go back to the superficial world of product and presentation... a path led me here. More homework.

I had this great initial strive for a career in pop culture dance for my whole entire existence. It led to many amazing things and wonderful, out of this world experiences. But the one thing that was always missing... True Love. I have had encounters I called love, mislabeled partners twin flames when they weren’t... only to find my heart forever lacking. There is a person I have always known to be my Twin. My real twin. I met him long ago and labeled him my best friend, a “brother”, my family, and ran. I saw him and he was familiar. A blaze in my eye that was too hard to hold on to. Broken from my own past and hurts I couldn’t handle experiencing love or real committed connection. We eventually collided years later. Volcanic. But life changing. I ran again. In between these things there was always a person looming in the background. Feeding on his weakness and vulnerability.

I’m trying to find places to resolve what I feel and step into 8D reasoning.

We had Union. The Union was beyond and close. Implosive again. All while this 3rd Party person still stalked and emulated, competed from afar. She felt slighted. That something was taken away from her... him.

I believe in love.

I believe in blinding, heart yielding, gut wrenching love. I believe if you love someone and you know in your heart they belong to another... release them. I did this twice. She captured him twice. From the outside it looked believable. Like he did belong to her. Even tho I could see... his heart was inside of me. I wanted him to live his highest self possible. She convinced him to marry, it was based in false pretenses, manipulation, abuse, coherion. They imploded. Divorce. Bad feelings.

He called me.

After a century of distance and walking through the trenches of hell without each other.

I came.

I put my soul into healing my friend. Twin Flame Unions are not perfect. It’s volatile. It’s scary. It’s co-dependence, sometimes dysfunctional. Come together to fall apart... all while your heart cracks on the inside. I set my twin free again. Against the internal part of my being. So he can find a freedom to choose his own destiny. Be really happy and manifest His Truth.

So I went on another journey of Self just recently. Information came flooding my way like The Universe wanted me to know... in heart break you are not alone.

Twin Flame Energy, The Divine Feminine (DF), The Masculie Energy (DM), and The Karmic.

Sometimes You can be a Karmic and mess up someone else’s relationship by cheating with their spouse. When you work through your 3D carnal exertions and choices... you ascend. You move your energy out of lower base thinking and doing. You walk into your Power and become Divine. The Divine Feminine Awakens and this sends a Universal Signal to her Divine Masculine to unite. Unite and form a Union so Their Universal duty/ soul contract begins to manifest. This is to guide The Spiritual Collective forward. People in low base thinking can see or sense this. People who live in “black” energy use negativity and negative actions to hold other people back so Twin Flames have harder times meeting or coupling. Sometimes this is out of conscious jealousy, envy, and lack. It can also be out of greed and arrogance. Even revenge on one or both parties. When you come across 2 partners who are Destined as Twin Flames... the energy is so obvious people are constantly compelled to point out your similarities. In looks, Energy, and Vibe. An irresistible love for One Another that the whole world recognizes and can see.

It’s meant to be.

In New York I was super busy all of the time. Had no time to look over my shoulder and see who was chasing me. He saw me. She saw him seeing me... and has been chasing me ever since. She was not kind to my twin. Trying to force my likeness over him. Almost as if to trick... maybe compete. To fool or convince him him she is The Divine Feminine. I never stopped to think how deep it all got until this last year. How much damage was done to my friend.

Hurt people hurt people. I am not perfect. I hurt people too. Unraveling different parts of myself everyday. The difference is the True Divine Feminine can’t fake her existence. She does not force or manipulate. When she fights, she is fighting for what The Divine Masculine actually wants for himself... deep in his own soul... even if it’s breaking her own bond with him. A Karmic Energy fakes and manipulates. Usually for a selfish purpose and plays the Soulmate game to entrap a person.

The dilemma.... tell the truth or let my heart sit back and pretend it’s ok for people to do things like this. In my research there are people who go in depth about Spiritual things and The War Fare that takes place. But never actually faces to the movies. I’m posting because is the obsession she has with me or is it over him? Or maybe the need for fake fame and competition coming from some broken place serves like a flame for her.

This knowledge of Twin Flame Journies inspired me to write. Our Union inspired friends to marry and some to pursue higher love. So I wondered what was always coming in between us. Karmic ties can also be friends or family members who have selfish motives to keep True Loves apart. Sometimes people are just sad and do dark things. And sometimes people just need to heal from their own paths. We collide into poachers looking for planets to rob and fill. We are planets. If we fail to fill ourselves with love, it makes it easier for parasitic energy to take over. Vampire based people are attracted to Epathic Energy. People ascending to higher levels are usually Empaths with beautiful, giving energy. Bottom feeders recognize this... and feed.

The goal is to not become a bottom feeder yourself from encountering so many dark connections and fight your way through Yourself back to Your Higher Existence.

When on This Journey The Twin Flame appears. Bumping back into one another until Union finally takes hold or peaceful resolvement to let go is established between The Divine Masculine and The Divine Feminine.

I desire for my True Twin to be his happiest Self. With me or away from Me... love is undefineable and no moments are regretted.

There is a massive Spiritual Shift in The Collective Human Consciousness and on The Planet. Recognize Heart Power and True Intentions. The time for hiding or wearing false masks is over. All truth will prevail.

It’s time for true love and life purpose. The rest is bullshit.

Muse your heart. Listen to your gut. If it feels wrong... it’s probably fake. Or in my case, an imposter.

If you recognize yourself as a Karmic, look inward. Do the work to heal yourself and break unnatural bonds you may be keeping over people who do not belong to you. If you steal from The Universe, you will be required to pay in karmic lessons that keep you bound to 3D black hole existing.

If you are a Twin Flame on path to Enlightenment. Be honest. Love Yourself. Heal Yourself. Pray. Do good works. Spread pure love. Repeat.

Fight For Love.

~T

Click Link Below for more disturbing info👇🏼:

UPDATE: She currently is stealing Spiritual Information I have written about here and is starting a newsletter of her own... As she reports my IG Page 7-8 times a day to have this tumblr link dismantled... only to use bits of my information in daily newsletter posts to portray herself as “Enlightened”, “Woke AF”, & Gives “Self- Awareness” tips. 👀

How, Sway?!

She now calls herself a “Light Worker”.

These things are not to be played with... or taken lightly. Pray for Real People to see around this Fake Lost One.

This Is The Spiritual Battle. Being played out in various ways, on very many stages and platforms. True Divine Energy: Continue to be what is Born and Genuine INSIDE of You. That cannot be forged... only mocked by Jealous Entities like the person who is obsessed with trying to be Me. Keep fighting for Truth. If You are a true born healer, or carry light to help change The World, Uphold True Meaning in Your Existence and Purpose. No fake creation, test, or obstacles can change that or take that which is Divine in True Divine Beings...away from You.

To The Fake 1s: Beware. The Wicked Shall Perish... On DOPE.

The Future Come’ith.