#self-destructive tendencies for the win!! on and off since 2022!!
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i started this year off wanting to change myself in a way that would hurt me but now i realize that was a shitty thing to do. but i want to do it. again.
#random thoughts#self-destructive tendencies for the win!! on and off since 2022!!#i've been trying to convince myself i am diseased when really i am not. there is nothing wrong with me.#because it is not severe. i have not been close to death. it's fine. in fact i often do the opposite of what i want#and fail myself every single day. but i want to make myself ill on purpose because without illness what am i.#saying there is nothing wrong with you because there is nothing wrong with you does not mean there is nothing wrong with you.#there is something very wrong with me. but i always want to fix it. but i don't. so i fix it. but it's not fixing.#it's making me better and worse.#might as well project some of this onto my favorite oc clemens because. he's just like me now. languages boy. with a strange childhood#my parents weren't surgeons. my parents got divorced like kristian's. but we haven't moved to a new country because of it yet.#i say yet because it will happen. but this is unrelated to my previous complications.#I WANT TO GET BETTER.#but i really. really don't. because if i do then nobody will believe me.#i wish i could just tell someone. but then they will think i am lying to them.#for now i shall sit in my bed and stare at the ceiling#and stare at the forever closed window and close my eyes as well#and when i open them it will be 12 days later and i will be purified#i love you marina abramović
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