#seeing neil from a different pov is still blowing my mind

[jbsforever]

love that nora gave us a new book from a different character's pov but still took the time to show us that neil is absolutely insane 🥰

[stanbillyhargrove]

Demons - The Rewrite

Chapter 5 - You Picked A Dance With The Devil

T/W: drugs, non con drug use, s*xual assa*lt

I pinched my stomach as I stared at myself in the mirror. Gripped the extra skin between my finger tips and wished I could rip it off.

I was pretty much ready for the last party of the summer, wearing black skinny jeans and a dark red flowy t-shirt. I was waiting for Steve to pick me up and got caught up frowning at my body in the reflection. Too much, always too much. Sighing, I shrugged on my black canvas jacket and went out to wait for Steve in the living room.

The last few weeks with Billy had mostly been great, other than the sporadic bruises on his body and constant fighting at home, but he seemed so content at night with me and Rocky asleep on him. Sometimes, he would fall asleep first and I’d catch the ghost of a smile still stuck on his face. When he went back home though, I hated myself for letting him go back to Neil. Hated that there was nothing I could do but be strong for him when night fell again. I’d bite my lip so hard to keep myself from sobbing along with Billy, that’s not what he needed, he needed someone to be his rock. What he didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him, I’d tell myself as I dug into the skin of my hips, as long as I can be strong for him later.

I was starting to believe I loved Billy but would he love me? We hadn’t talked about whether or not we would stay together once school started. I know Billy has a high sex drive and although I was blowing him almost every time we were together I could tell it didn’t totally fulfill his desires. Maybe he would rather have a girl who wasn’t afraid to have sex with him. Someone who wasn't afraid of being seen in the light. Someone who was thin and pretty, who he could take out and show off.

Could he be with someone like me? If he knew, would he want to be or would that be too many problems in his life?

A loud honk tore through my thoughts, signaling Steve’s arrival.

--

A bunch of people from out of town had shown up, turning an already big party into an even bigger, more hectic crowd. People were packed into every inch of whoever’s house this was.

"Yo, Harrington! This your side piece?"

Steve's cheeks flushed red when he was faced with a freckle faced boy. He smiled though, flashing white teeth as he shook his head.

"Tommy, this is Cat. She's new here and no, we're just friends."

Tommy laughed, "sure, sure. Listen, we have the keg tapped out back, come show these out of towners how the reigning champ does it. Mind if we steal him, Cat?"

I shook my head and smiled, "go ahead, I'll wait for Billy."

"Hargrove? You his girl or something?"

I shrugged, "something like that."

"Well tell him we're out back when you see him! King Steve needs a challenger!" He called as he led Steve away.

I hung to the side of the room and nursed a couple of drinks before I joined the group of people dancing in the living room. We moved our bodies as if we were a singular writhing unit, arms pumping and hips swinging in chaotic unison. The drinks and the music were intoxicating, making me feel lighter than I ever had before. I was lost in it when a cute stranger passed a red cup my way. He looked so sweet, all soft brown eyes and lean muscle.

Innocent.

I smiled and took it, gulping down the drink without a thought. I knew if Billy came in and saw me dancing with a stranger he would go ballistic but I wasn’t about to sit around and wait for him to show up. The music was too good and it pounded through my bones in a way that drew me in and wouldn’t let me go. The stranger grabbed me, pulling and holding me close to grind his hips against mine.

After a few songs the alcohol hit me hard, the room suddenly spinning around me and making me feel sick. I peeled myself away from the stranger and stumbled through the group of dancers towards the kitchen, I just need some water and a breath I thought. Maybe then I would be okay until Billy got here, then he could take me home. Where is he?

“Hey, what’s wrong?” The stranger asked, having followed me to where I was leaning against the counter.

“Mmmm too much,” I mumbled, blinking hard and trying to gather myself.

I usually got drunk pretty fast, not having any food in my stomach helped me to be a cheap drunk, but this seemed different. Too much too fast. Spots of black crept in my vision, threatening to pull me under.

Slowly, I lowered myself to the floor, clutching my head in my hands and tried to will my heartbeat to slow.

“Don’t move, I’ll see if there’s somewhere you can lay down,” He patted my knee and walked off into the crowd.

People stared at me, jokingly asking if I had too much to drink. I gave them half smiles as I fought to keep my eyes open. A couple girls knelt down to my level to ask if I was okay, if they could help me. I sluggishly asked for Billy or Steve and the girls disappeared into the crowd. I kept my head between my knees, waiting for someone to find them, waiting for help.

“Come on, sweetheart, let’s find you somewhere comfy.”

The stranger was back, lifting me over his shoulder. I slumped against his back as we passed through the crowd and went upstairs.

Why do my arms feel so heavy?

Why is it so hard to move?

He carried me into one of the empty bedrooms and I was dropped onto the bed as everything went black.

I couldn’t move. My brain felt fuzzy, my limbs didn’t feel connected to my body, nothing was working.

A door clicked and a shadow loomed.

Something's wrong.

There was someone on top of me, squeezing me through my clothes. Pulling and pushing me.

“Billy…” I mumbled before a hand clamped over my mouth.

Steve's POV

"Steve?"

I turned to see a girl pushing through the crowd in the backyard.

"Steve!" She yelled, coming close, "Steve, you need to come with me."

"No way, King Steve isn't going anywhere!" Tommy argued.

The crowd cheered, a singular unit reluctant to lose their leader.

"Steve," she tried, eyes wide with concern, "there's a girl looking for you."

I rolled my eyes when the crowd hollered in response.

"Probably just Nancy being needy," Tommy snorted.

"She doesn't look good," the girl tried again.

"Okay," I agreed, "I'll be right back guys."

A chorus of boos followed as she hurried me back to the house. To the kitchen where she stopped and looked around, confused.

"Where'd she go?" She caught the attention of a guy from out of town, "hey! The girl that was sitting here, did you see where she went?"

He sipped at his drink, nodding, "yeah, buddy of mine took her to find somewhere for her to relax. She's fine," he added before walking off.

"Who was it?" I asked, "the girl, was it Nancy?"

The girl shook her head, "she was asking for you or Billy Hargrove. Really tiny. I've never seen her before."

Cat.

@charmed-asylum

[iamtheprotagoneil]

so, my lovely ao3 commenter alicia, sent me this italian song along with its english translation and like, strap in, gang, it’s rambling time.

Maybe one day we’ll have a place Hidden or far away from the many hospital wards* In which we lay to rest the loves, by then in disuse Those not historical, of which no one will speak

*The word Tiziano used is “astanterie”, which is not really a hospital ward but an area of the hospital where patients wait before being moved to a department. In an interview he said it’s like a “middle zone” for people who suffer. And it seemed perfect for the song, because he speaks of love that does not go down in history, but love that is still significant. Loves that are there, in the middle.

god i’m just so sad right now, alicia, i can’t believe you’ve done this. 

“love that does not go down in history, but love that is still significant.” this line here, i feel, just perfectly encapsulates protagoneil’s love. i mean, they literally cannot have a record on anything that they do, and it, of course, pertains also to the nature of their relationship. it’s something known to so few people that it’s almost not worth mentioning, but god, it’s so significant still. this is a love that transcends time and space, after all. 

“Loves that are there, in the middle” makes me think of how their love, imo, isn’t at its peak, and probably won’t ever get a chance to reach its peak. at the beginning the protagonist would only realize much too late that there had been (would be) history between himself and neil. and when history would finally be made, they wouldn’t get to have so much time together, and what little time they’d have would be riddled with saving the world, with getting neil ready for this one mission, with everything else that demanded their attention. then, neil would invert and there would still be so many things left unsaid because that’s just the nature of their relationship, when paired with tenet. duty vs desire, and the former always wins out.

this line also sort of reminds me of a line in 505 by arctic monkeys that goes: “middle of adventure, such a perfect place to start.” it’s about a relationship that started in the wrong place, and if that isn’t protagoneil. i know alex wrote that line to be ironic, but i get a different feel from it for protagoneil. the way they’d always have a first meeting with one person knowing too much about the other; the way they could never truly be on even grounds because of that very fact. but to them, that was perfect - the middle of adventure, where the begin and ending had both past in front of their eyes. it was just perfect because it was all they could get, you know? where else would they get that beautiful friendship if not in the middle of their story, of their adventure together?

And if you want to, your smile shows itself in a star For tonight even that would be fine And happiness won’t be needed anymore Not even imagination anymore I’ll be happy with the times gone by

A tear will blow in the wind and return to you To tell you goodbye, goodbye My little memory in which I’ve kept years of happiness, goodbye And watch me face this life as if you’re still here 

Maybe one day the universe will honor my request And bring us back together Between the afterlife and my nest in this town there’s a lot of difference Even if I try not to see it And I travel the world, and I’ll call your name for millennia And you’ll show yourself when I don’t want it anymore And not now, here on this bed in which I sadly realize Your scent is slowly fading

now this is what i was yammering on about in that ‘i wish you saw’ fic of mine. idk what else to say that i haven’t tried to get out in that fic already. it’s just so painful to think about how neil had to comfort himself during the years in inversion... “i’ll be happy with the times gone by.” and even beyond that, when he had to meet the protagonist again, and come to peace with the fact that everything he’s done to this point has not been in vain, and his efforts have been witnessed, that the love of his life had seen it, and known it, and be grateful for it. “watch me face this life as if you’re still here.” 

it’s the ‘i wish you saw’ hopelessly spoken to the empty of the airlocked space neil must spend his time in in version, to the darkness of night when sleep refused to come, and to the traces traces (ghost) of the protagonist in neil’s mind. it’s neil trying to retain memories of his lover but failing because years have past, because he’s seen this protagonist and his mind’s grown attached to him too. 

ahhh it’s too much, alicia. i am CRYING lskdjflsdjkflj

And without peace in my chest I know that I can’t do it all But if you’d return I would do it all and that’s that And I watch this door intently, because if you came in another time It’d mean that I’m already dead as well And I’d go back to you and tell you hey, hey My little miracle descended from heaven to love me, hey And the memories collapse, the whole universe collapses And there, you remain Life like you remember it One day I’ll go away with you

god, i never truly thought about neil wanting to die - was ready to die, so he could go and meet his protagonist again in the afterlife. and bro...  “my little miracle descended from heaven to love me, hey / and the memories collapse, the whole universe collapses /  and there, you remain” i am absolutely in love with these lines? it conjues up this scene in my head, where we see things in neil’s pov at the very end. he takes the bullet between his head - all thoughts instantly disappear - the rubbles fall down on him from the explosion - he opens his eyes and there he was, the love of neil’s life being there to welcome him, once again, to the afterlife.

[fallingin-like]

november 27

thick skin, an elastic heart by @badacts ​ [requested by @foxsoulcourt​ and @sig66​]

see which other fics i’m reviewing this month! / my review request post!

an incredible jerejean fic that focuses on jean’s transition to the trojan’s and how jeremy struggles with falling in love with him. this fic is funny and emotional and includes a lot of really interesting introspection.

this is an amazing amazing fic, i wish i had read it sooner (but i don’t read many jerejean fics). i was immediately invested and could not stop reading. you provide a lot of valuable insight, and it was really interesting seeing these characters that i’m not too familiar with interact and grow closer and further and closer. i love the song elastic heart and it fits the story you’re telling.

parts that stood out to me:

”it’s unspoken trojan policy that everyone keeps their doors open during the day” this is so interesting! no wonder the trojans work so well together. although i suppose the ravens have a similar rule, but for a different purpose

”while the trojans can be a little too much to deal with en masse, it’s better than the alternative” oh no are the ravens the alternative? jean, your standards are too low, that team was really messed up

”jean, rustiness or no, is very good at what he does” i bet he is, and i bet that, under these better conditions he will be able to grow and be even better than before

”your stamina needs work” interesting, i wonder how long he used to play with the ravens? i would have thought that the brutal practices were enough that jean has pretty good stamina (although game situations are often more intense than practices… well maybe not for ravens)

”he’d been bedridden for weeks after everything, and had spent most of his summer in palmetto running to get his fitness back” oh this is rough, at least jean has had time for a full recovery, likely a luxury he never had in the nest

”that version is a pretty sharp contrast with jeremy right now, though” woah for a second i forgot about the conversation that they were having, it was so easy to get sucked into jean’s thoughts along with him

”jeremy goes from flushed to dead white in a few seconds” LOL

”but had been heavy on the literal slavery” AHHHHHH JEAN

”jean is a survivor, but he was a rebel first” i wonder if jean considers surviving itself an act of rebellion?

jeremy blushing so hard and being so flustered is the biggest mood every

”less because of the obvious parallel, and more because of the fact that by now jeremy’s used to jean inviting himself straight in” oh i love the way you did this. it introduces the familiarity between jean and jeremy and that they’ve had this sort of interaction enough times that there’s an expected behaviour of jean

”they’re - friends, now. they’re definitely, definitely friends, after months of jean adjusting to the trojans and jeremy as his captain, hard-won and satisfying. though jean’s watching him right now from an angle like he’s doubting all of it” woah this is a great paragraph. has jean ever had friends before? surely teammates yes, but people he’s considered friends? not sure. also love the subtle pov change.

”jean, jeremy has found, has very little interest in the opinions of other people” INTERESTING

”jean’s stare is penetrating. jeremy has to wonder why he’s so intense. it becomes obvious when he says, ‘you’re being weird’” i like this. but have no reason (that i can put into words) why

”jean goes on like jeremy hasn’t spoke. jeremy feels it like a shot to the gut, and tries to keep that off of his face” oh i think i missed something. such an intense reaction

”just as jean claims to know jeremy, jeremy knows him back” !!!!

”’you’re imagining things,’ jeremy says, which is perhaps not the nicest thing to say to jean moreau, a survivor of years of gaslighting” oh

”who is still and stoic and takes every step forwards like it might be the one to send him hurtling back to a place he desperately doesn’t want to go” woah. imagine being this well read by someone, gives me shivers. also i love this description

THEY KISS AHHH

”it’s kind of hard to think when he’s getting so little oxygen to his brain” LOL

”the reason becomes suddenly and brutally clear when it swears in french and gropes for the phone, shoving it into jeremy’s chest” LOL

”jeremy feels cripplingly awkward by comparison, knowing that jean will leave and this will all be done” nooo jeremyyy ;-; (also, cripplingly awkward is what someone would say if asked to describe me in two words lol)

”but jean is so beautiful he swears his heart might stop at the sight” ahhhhhhh

i forgot that jean also has scars!! i wonder what jeremy thinks of them…..

”the trojans have their record of avoiding red cards because they’re smart, not necessarily because they’re nice” this is true. they are also one of the best teams, and you don’t get to that point just by being nice.

JEREMY KNOX JUST GOT A RED CARD OHMYGOODNESS

”he acknowledges them with a raised racquet, but jean knows without seeing his face that there’s no smile there. that’s less surprising than people might imagine it to be” i’d love to know what’s going through jeremy’s mind in that moment

on chapter 5: i love the way that you write this, how immersed i become in jean’s thoughts and how the game only seems to be going on in the background. the way that outside events happen (siren going off) and break apart paragraphs, but jean’s thoughts continue. it puts me in a certain mindset and establishes tone in a really interesting way

”his life really should have removed any idea of fairness from him, any concept of justice and valor. he can’t explain why it hasn’t” this is so interesting to me. in a way, i can understand this.

wait ohmygoodness, what number is jean on the trojans?

JEREMY MAKING MISTAKES AHH

love the lines you have on jeremy avoiding jean

SEEING WHY THE RED CARD WAS GIVEN AHHHH

”the feeling of losing a friend is unfamiliar” and “he shouldn’t really call the feeling unfamiliar, anyway. pain, for jean moreau, is anything but” broke my heart, how dare you write that

dang, i have never really thought about laila, but the way you write her, wow i love her a lot. knows exactly what to do “her voice is soothing, which is an indicator of how jeremy must look right now”, as a person with a negative EQ, i want to understand people like she seems to

JEREMY JUST BLURTING OUT THAT HE SLEPT WITH JEAN AND ALSO THAT HE’S BI I LOVE IT

THE CONTRAST BETWEEN JEREMY AND LAILA’S SOFT CONVERSATION THAT ENDS WITH HIM ASKING HER NOT TO TELL ALVAREZ AND ALVAREZ BARGING INTO JEAN’S ROOM YELLING IS AMAZING

”’please, keep yelling,’ jean replies without looking up from his book, voice dry as sawdust” ooo i like the way that you write jean

”he stands. his height and size forces alvarez back a step more by necessity than any actual threat, but she looks like she doesn’t like making the concession.” i’m really impressed by this because i could picture this so well in my head (doesn’t happen often) and not just the scene and the actions described, but the tone of their body language too, the way that jean stood up and alvarez moved

”it’s what he wants. just like her leaving is, just like her closing the door more gently this time than a wall-rattling slam is. it makes no sense that it makes him feel worse. or maybe it does. it’s been a while now since he really felt alone” uhm excuse me i thought you broke my heart before but now you really just took the pieces and smashed them up even morE. THESE PARAGRAPHS HURT TO READ

”jeremy has always had a little problem with acting first and thinking later - jean once unfavourably compared him to the foxes’ resident rebel, neil josten, which jeremy thinks is pretty rich but perhaps not entirely untrue” LOL and also i love the wording you chose here

JEREMY CAN PICK LOCKS WHAT ARE THE LONG LIST OF REASONS

oh, the nightmare scene is so perfect, exactly the kind of thing i like (not kidding, i live for angst). this part? “the lock reengages before he can get back inside his room. it’s like a gunshot in the quiet” oh it’s so good. both sides are so understandable. jeremy’s reaction, his desire to help and recklessness. jean’s mistrust, disgust, he’s so used to having his privacy disregarded and this time he thought it would be different but it’s not and that makes it even worse, especially after a nightmare

”that means jeremy has to obsess over the only things he can control - how he acts, and how he feels” this is a lot easier said than done (says me, a person who has spent a lot of time trying to repress their feelings)

”obviously riko is never going to play again” THIS IS THE UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE CENTURY. RIKO IS NEVER GOING TO DO ANYTHING AGAIN (except maybe rot lol)

”maybe one day he’ll realise he’s playing for himself. maybe neil josten, another one of their kind, will teach him how” oh this is good

”jean is a survivor, but that’s muscle memory too, learned the hard way just like he learned most everything else. underneath it all, his natural tendency is not caution” wow, i don’t even have the words to describe these sentences. i’m learning so much about jean. i feel like often times he’s seen as in between kevin and neil (coward vs instigating coward), but i’m starting to appreciate more and more who he actually is. jean was playing the long game, and it looks like it’s starting to pay off

“it turns out that survival and rebellion have one intersection - they don’t produce nice people” this!!!!

THE SHOWDOWN BETWEEN JEREMY AND JEAN. definitely reminds me of the beginning of the series, with neil blowing out his arms against andrew, although this time it ends in success on jeremy’s part.

”then you’re nothing like riko moriyama… and don’t assume you understand what i’m afraid of, or what hurts me” THIS WHOLE SCENE IS AMAZING. jean has been through so much, i don’t think jeremy can even begin to imagine the suffering, the pain

”doing the wrong thing by you. hurting you. you hurting me. losing you” i think that jeremy should understand that being afraid of these things already makes him way better than riko and everyone who has hurt jean before

”’i’m in love with you!’ jeremy says, because he can’t listen to this, and because he’s always been terrible at restraining himself when he gets emotional” WHAT. EXCUSE ME WHAT

”jean pauses, almost a double-take” YEAH ME TOO JEAN

hello i cannot belieVe you ended the chapter like that!!!! how dare yoU

”do i seem like the type of girl who holds a grudge? honesty, my attention span is like twelve seconds long” ME TOO

alvarez!! i need someone like you in my life!!! “so tell me about your problems, white boy.” LOL

”it’s not jeremy he’s doubting” ooooooh

”don’t agree with me. prove me wrong” THIS IS GOOD

”jean forgets that, as part of the ‘perfect court’, he’s famous too” that is true. he’s mostly stayed out of the media’s eye, but he was just involved in everything as the rest of the ‘perfect court’

”i say that because you’ve been playing terribly and i was surprised” JEAN!!!! I’M LAUGHING SO HARD

”of jeremy saying, ‘you never cover your scars,’ and jean replying, honest, ‘i’m not ashamed of what people did to me.’” oh this is amazing

”’how do you know… that you’re in love’ ‘experience’” i have no words

jeremy waking up, it’s so soft ;-;

oh no jeremy is back to being terrible on court BUT HE’S SO HAPPY IT’S ADORABLE

”i do know what broken ribs feel like” ohmygoodness, jean, you’re killing me

”are you sleeping with a lamprey now?” I HAD TO GOOGLE WHAT A LAMPREY WAS BUT WHEN I SAW A PICTURE I LAUGHED SO HARD

the nightmare, jeremy comforting him, these boys are so good for each other :”)

LOL I LOVE THAT JEREMY KEEPS BRINGING UP HIS RED CARD

ah, i have read probably one jerejean fic before this (yeah yeah terrible i know) but i really should not have expected anything less than amazing writing from you. you did an amazing job balancing out the push and pull between jeremy and jean, the alternating support from the girls, and how long conversations and dialogue contrasted the action of exy. i am so impressed by your exploration of this relationship, and the detailed introspection you included. you were able to integrate the thoughts of jeremy and jean so well into the flow of the story and i learned a lot and thought a lot. there is still so much that i wasn’t able to cover in my review.

i loved the characterization, jeremy’s uncertainty and his blushing, jean’s somewhat stoic and confident on the outside appearance. the way that both their pasts shaped who they are and influences their actions and how they make decisions, and how their personality types affect those as well. it was so interesting for me to see such an in depth study of jeremy, his sweetness, but also thoughtful in a more serious way, how jean is so much more than what happened to him in the nest. that he is a rebel and isn’t afraid to stand up for himself after so long of not being allowed to do that. i laughed and i hurt and i was comforted. thank you so so much for writing this!