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tigerdrop · 4 years ago

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Hfbbfbhbbbbff stumbles in here. Listen. Uhhhh hl gordo topping the absolute shit out of vr gordos like, fingers shoved in so far in his mouth and Benrey "accidentally" stumbling in to find them and just seeing vr gordos become such a fuckinf mess under hl gordo..... idk it's on the brain now thanks to you and honestly thank you very much

thank you very much for this fantastic idea i took it and ran way too far with it

vr gordon on his knees with a hand in his hair tilting his head back, hl gordon in the HEV suit with 3 fingers fucking his mouth so you know he got those gloves on, just looking him right in the eyes while he does it, vr gordons got his hands wrapped around hl gordons forearm and his thighs spread wide, hes fuckin droolin and flushed and moaning around hl gordons fingers

and then benrey walks in and vr gordon Flips and is like "mpphh mhmhpph" trying to get those fingers out of his mouth and be Normal but hl gordon just grabs his hair tighter and plunges them in deeper and turns to stare right at benrey. doesnt say anything. just gives him an intense, totally unreadable look

gordon getting cucked by hl gordon and not letting himself join in b/c he is emotionally and sexually repressed as all hell is great. but i think it would be really fucking good if hl gordon wordlessly invites benrey to join in. just jerks his head to the side like "get over here"

well, first benrey just stands there, eyes wide and surprised as all hell while vr gordon slaps at hl gordons arm until he takes those fingers out of his mouth. then he starts bitching like "fucking-- go away, benrey, wait a fucking minute here--" until hl gordon leans down and whispers something in his ear that benrey cant make out. but whatever it is, it has an Effect on vr gordon thats kind of like watching a glass of water be poured over his head - his mouth snaps shut, and his face turns a dark, dark red, and he swallows hard as he looks back at benrey. and then back to hl gordon. and then he says, real quiet, "uh. okay"

and then benrey gets another Look from hl gordon and hes like "uhhh. cool. yeah. this is cool" and steps into their circle like his legs are on autopilot cuz hes still like what is even going on, never fuckin seen freeman like that before, this is craaaazy ha ha

(like, okay, in this scenario hl gordon already fuckin knows that vr gordon is into benrey and hes just being a little emotionally-constipated bitch about it. thats the whole reason he nodded at benrey to let him join in anyway. so what hl gordon is whispering into his ear is something along the lines of, like, this is what he wanted to do anyway, right? hl gordon already knows. so why dont u be good for the both of them, gordon?)

then before he knows it, hes standing in front of vr gordon on his knees and casting a shadow over him and vr gordon is so fucking embarrassed right now. but, like, hl gordon wasnt wrong, and he really, really wants to be good for him. (and, you know, for benrey, but if he admits that to himself he might actually fucking die.) hes sweating as he looks up at the both of them, like, "uh, okay, hey. uh. what am i supposed to--"

hl gordon interrupts him by making a fucking obscene motion with his (still spit-slick) fingers, indicating that benrey should do what hl gordon was just doing a second ago. (please note: hes still got his other hand in vr gordons hair.) and benrey looks between the two of them with his hand raised halfway into the air, like, yo, is this cool? is this actually happening? hl gordon gestures at him like, go ahead, bro. and when his hand approaches vr gordons mouth and his fingers alight on his lip, that mouth parts just enough to let him in, even if vr gordons having a really goddamn hard time meeting his eyes.

and benrey slowly starts feelin him from the inside, feeling the slick surface of his tongue and teeth while hl gordon gives benrey encouraging gestures and shows him how best to do it. how to get vr gordon to whimper and drool around his fingers just like he was doing earlier. not that vr gordon needs much help getting there - the humiliation of copping to his feelings like this, on his knees and fellating his frenemys hand, combined with hl gordons fingers gently stroking and scratching his scalp and stroking his ear and jaw as if to say, youre doing good, is getting him 12 different kinds of Fucked Up. hes still too embarrassed by all this to really get back into Whoredon Freeman mode so easily, but the embarrassment is.......really fucking cute. its doing it for benrey. and soon enough, hes got 3 fingers in gordons mouth and is feeling those low noises gordons making just as much as hes hearing them

i just......i think hl gordon is neat......hes just......a really quiet guy that projects this air of almost total confidence just by virtue of not speaking that much (and therefore, never sticking his fucking foot in it) and talking with his hands comes a lot easier than speaking aloud.......and hes a nice guy who doesnt have a problem showing it when its necessary/appropriate but he doesnt abide bullshit b/c bullshit gets people killed, which vr gordon unfortunately has in spades........literally all just fucking made-up personality traits but i just see it very clearly in my head

in my mind he is the polar opposite of vr gordon. like. vr gordon is so desperate to maintain control over his peers and his environment and he mostly just......yells ineffectually and runs around like a big loud rooster trying to peck everybody into place. and clearly that shit dont work out too well for him. so in comparison hl gordon is just......effortlessly confident in what he does and how he acts and people are just naturally inclined to listen to him/take him seriously. or at least he appears that way on the outside - i imagine the guy still has some self esteem issues, both about himself as a person and in his own abilities to Do What Needs To Be Done. just.......being so quiet all the time projects that air

i also imagine that like......his smiles are a bit of a rare thing, too. especially for vr gordon, who spends most of the time rubbing him the wrong way. so when vr gordon does earn one of those smiles, or a thumbs up, or basically any kind of positive attention, it hits extra hard

still thinking about. hl gordon basically......teaching benrey how to fuck vr gordon. in so many words. starting with the fingers.....hes also quietly being encouraging towards benrey, too, communicating that hes doing good at this. (is hl gordon domming both of them at the same fucking time?? youre goddamn right he is.) and benreys tenting the absolute hell out of his slacks by the time hes got vr gordons hand wrapped around his wrist to keep him there, and by the time gordons whining around his fingers and spreading his legs open wider instinctually and jerking his hips a little against the arm hes got shoved down between em for just a little friction

and then hl gordon stops benrey and makes another obscene motion and-- oh. yeah, benrey would like to take care of his boner issue like that, thank you. benreys a little dumbfounded, like, "yo, uhhh, you really wanna suck my dick? friend?" and vr gordons like "oh my god, you didnt have to say it out loud! jesus fucking christ, do not say anything-- not another fucking word--" but hes cut off by hl gordons hand tugging his hair hard enough to make him hiss. "okay, okay, jeez!"

vr gordon shimmies closer and looks up at him, still red, still sweating, drool running down the corner of his mouth and trailing in a translucent string from benreys fingers. still embarrassed. but daring benrey to do as he was told. so benrey unzips himself with shaking fingers and pulls out his dick. hes fully hard already and hl gordons there to guide the both of them how to do it - takes vr gordons hand and curls it into a fist with his thumb tucked inside, guides vr gordons head with the hand still in his hair. pushes him onto benreys dick. and theres something decidedly fucking weird about hl gordons role in this, but hes clearly getting off on it, and so are the rest of them, so theres not a lot of room left for any of them to worry about it

i cannot rightfully allow myself to keep fucking writing this when i still havent finished writing gordon freeman coming untouched but im just fucking frothing thinking about hl gordon showing benrey exactly how to push vr gordons buttons. shows him how to finger vr gordon, which angle he should push gordons legs back to so he can hit just the right spot, guides him to take just the right pace and shows him how gordon likes his hair to be pulled

and benreys so obedient! its a marked difference from how much shit he gives vr gordon at any attempt to control him. vr gordons honestly a little miffed about it, but on the other hand, hl gordon is really good at jerking him around and getting him off and hes a very good teacher. he cant complain

Anyway. See Ya

#asky #writin stuff

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awkbo0b · 5 years ago

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Two of a Kind:2

A/N: Thanks for everyone who is reading and thank you for the notes! I havent been active on tumblr for a while but being able to come on here and post an idea I have for a fanfic and having people actually like it warms my heart.

Summary of the first part: Mae is visiting her cousin, Tony, in Outer Banks and little does Mae know, she just ran into JJ! Here’s there link for Two of a Kind:1 if you havent read it yet.

Warnings: underage drinking, usage of drugs, swearing

I join Tony who is now with a group of girls near the fire. “Hey! Hope I didn’t miss much of the party.” I mention as I take a drink of my beer. The girls all smile at me and begin to introduce themselves. I didn’t bother remembering their names since I probably won’t see them again after tonight. The conversation drifts about boys that they go to school with, who they all have crushes on, and some of their plans for the summer. I turn to look at the water to notice that some people have gone swimming. I smile to myself thinking about how beautiful it is here.

“And Mae here is an unique artist,” my attention is pulled when I hear Tony mention my name, “ she is able to turn anything into a complex drawing. It’s truly amazing.”

I smile, “Honestly though, you should see Tony’s photos.” I try to turn to conversation away from me. As much as I love my art, talking about it isn’t something I enjoy. “She normally does landscapes like her parents, but if you put a model in front of of her,” I puff my cheeks and let out a whistle, “it’s breath taking what she can do.” as I compliment Tony I notice her tuck her hair behind her ear. “No need to act bashful T!” I exclaim. Tony raises her nose a little higher, showing her confidence. “If you haven’t seen her work yet, you are really missing out.” I finish off my beer.

“Tony, I knew you painted but how come you never mentioned photography?” The girl standing on the other side of Tony ask, she has pin straight, black hair, and is wearing glasses that look like they are from the 20′s fashion era. I glance at Tony already knowing what she is going to say.

“Well I mean, my parents both are photographers. They capture such unique angles in landscapes. And it kinda feels weird to follow in their foot steps that closely. Look at Mae,” Tony throws her arm in my direction, “her parents are sculptors and she paints and draws. Different medias.” Tony’s word slur together as she speaks.

The girl with black hair give Tony assuring smile that she understands, “I get it, girl.” Her words also slurring together then pulling Tony in for a hug. The sudden wave of emotion fills the small circle.

“Well, before I join in on the touchy feeling stuff, I’m going to grab another beer.” I inform once Tony pulls away.

“I think I better give myself a minute.” Tony hiccups and then raises her bottle, “Once I’m finish with this one of course.” The girls around us giggle and Tony does too.

“Alright dude, I’ll be back.” I make my way towards the coolers. I notice a group of people sitting on a log near the water. A small lantern is lit. I notice blondie and three others, two boys and a girl. As I continue to watch, being the creepy people watcher that I am, I begin to see that they are passing around a joint or blunt. Whatever it is, they are smoking weed.

Once I reach the coolers I come up with an idea. I grab two bottles instead of one and then turn towards blondie and his group. They are all talking and laughing at things that are said as I approach. Blondie, who is sitting on the end, shoots his head up first, then the girl who i can now see has longer curly hair. She offers a friendly smile.

“Hey, you don’t look familiar, Are you a tourist?” The girl ask, then the other two boys look in my direction too. Just as I am about to introduce myself blondie cuts in.

“She’s rude, that’s what she is,” Blondie has a playful smirk on his face. I laugh at the comment.

“I guess I’m technically a tourist, but I wouldn’t consider myself rude.” I wink towards blondie as he take a hit from the blunt, causing him to cough.

“Whoa dude, you’re coughing? who even are you?” says one of the boys as he laughs taking the blunt from blondie and takes a hit. He is wearing an unbutton shirt with a bandanna tied loosely around his neck. His hair has intense volume that would make any girl jealous.

“Shut the fuck up, just inhaled wrong.” blondie mutters still trying to catch his breathe. “And even if you are somehow not rude,” blondie’s voice still strained from the coughing but is now talking normal, “what brings you over here?” He questions me. The blunt continues down the row of friends, ending with the guy with dark chocolate skin.

“Was wondering if I could take a couple hits with you?” my voice ends with a little squeak, a littler nervous as to how blondie will react. All three friends are looking back and forth between us. I let out a small laugh. “I brought a truce,” I hold out the extra bottle of beer towards blondie.

“Hmm,” blondie pulls his hand up to cup his chin to appear as if he is really thinking hard on this one. I bite my lip starting to feel a little awkward. “Mae was your name right?” Blondie takes the bottle from my hand and pants the empty spot next to him,

“Yes, yes it is blondie.” I sit down and the friend from the end passes the blunt to me.

“For the love of god,” blondie places his elbows down on his thighs, shakes his head then looks my way, “please call me JJ.” JJ winks as I take my hit from the blunt.

“JJ it is then.” I try to say in a flirty tone. Everyone laughs and then begins to introduce themselves. I try my hardest to remember these names, because deep down I would want to see them again.

We finished the blunt, the boy with the crazy hair, who i think is John B, claimed he could roll the next one. Kie, the girl, and Pope, the one with chocolate brown skin, laugh at John B as he struggles.

“Come on man. I can do this shit with my eyes closed.” JJ moans throwing his hands up in the air. Another round of laughter roars from us. I remembering that I came here with Tony, who was at her drinking limit when I last saw her about forty-five minutes ago. I look towards the bonfire to see her white dress almost glowing from the moon light. She is dancing with her group of girls, clearly have a good time. “How do you know the misfit kook?” JJ’s voice startles me, even though it was only loud enough for me to hear.

“What do you mean misfit? She seems to be fitting in fine to me.” I look towards JJ genuinely confused as to what he was meaning.

“She moved here two years ago, most of us have been here our whole lives. The kook life style is passed down from generation to generation. People who move here with kids, don’t normally end up fitting in.” JJ explained.

“I feel like I am a perfect example of that.” Kie raises her hand. “I’ve lived here for a while but never seemed to fit in, so here I am with the pogues. Plus the kook life style is too much for me.” Kie scrunches her face in disgust. I nod taking in what both of them are saying.

“She’s my cousin, and my best friend. And I guess I’m kinda getting at what you guys are saying, but we might need to go over it again when I’m sober.” I let out a laugh, and so does everyone else.

“I like this girl.” Pope says.

“Isn’t your family some kind of artist?” John B ask.

“How would you even know, dude.” JJ sneered, earning himself the middle finger from John B.

“I think I remember Sarah mentioned it, dick head.” John responds.

“Actually yes, we are. It kinda runs through the family.” I state.

“Oh yeah, your family is the Clemonds right?” Kie ask almost jumping off the log, “my dad has some of Sadie Clemonds photos in our restaurant!”

“Yep, that’s the family name.” I give Kie a smile.

“Hold up, your whole family is just filled with artist?” JJ ask not believing it.

“Yeah, in some way, shape, or form.” I giggle.

“You’re parents are Chloe and Trenton right?” Kie is now standing she is so excited.

“Yes ma’am,” I answer.

“I would love to see their work sometime”

“I can help arrange that,” I raise my hand to give Kie knuckles.

A/N Hey guys thanks again for all the notes on the first part! I am adding in my author notes for the 3rd part as you read this! I guess this is a good time to say that there will be a slow burn between Mae and JJ. So I hope you all stick around long enough to see it! I’ll be adding a tag #TwoOfAKind to this one so it will be easier to find it.

This might be a little odd but if you guys have any questions about my characters ask them and i can go into more detail about it in the net part! Also if you have any request for something to happen I’m all ears!

Thanks again for reading and for all the notes, 3 part should be up soon. Please continue to like/reblog. Love you all!

UPDATE: I HAVE MOVED THIS FANFIC TO WATTPAD, HERE IS THIS LINK! LOVE YOU ALL THANK YOU FOR TE NOTES!

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pengosolvent · 6 years ago

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really frightened that i am lacking something essential and will never be able to be a skilled or creative artist no matter how hard i try. equally frightened that i have sabotaged my own progress in various ways and have wasted years backsliding and will never “get back” any skill i did previously exhibit. do you have any suggestions for how to continue to produce art and improve even when constantly suffocated by fear

anon this is a common but unfortunate occurrencei feel this a lot too this is a very long reply because i think about this kinda stuff often, so there’s a readmore

i’ve got some advice for you, though i’m sure you’ve probably already heard some if not all of this before, so i don’t mean to talk to you like this is new magic info, but just reiterating stuff that i try to keep in mind that might work for you tooalso i want to point out that i’m not a professional remotely, so the things i’m stating are completely from my own personal experiences ….. and also i struggle with perfectionism and other things so while i give this advice i also still have trouble with the problems noted and also i use a lot of examples and comparisons when i talk because its easier for me to understand things that way

anyway:

1- you are the person who sees your art the mostthis is a very obvious thing, to state but it ties directly into a lot of what you’ve statedyou feel you lack something essential, you feel you’ve backslid and lost previous skills, and youre afraidbut think about the other art you seeyou ONLY see the end result of what everyone posts… or even if people do post in-progress pictures or speedpaints, you’re not really seeing the “scope” of it with in-progress pictures, you don’t know how much changed or how much was erased how much time was spent how much etc with speedpaints, you see all the progress but its sped up and it’s easy to feel like all of that was done faster than it really was even if youre aware its sped up

and even if you watched a realtime video of someone drawing… theres thousands of hours outside of that video of this person doodling, and even THINKING about their art that you havent seen it makes other peoples art feel a lot more.. confident? secure?

for your own art however, you are fully aware of the struggle of every line because you’re the one doing it and thinking about itit might make you feel like you’re trying so hard when everyone else has just Got it

2- experiencing art as a consumer vs a creator is a different feelingthis is directly tied to the previous idea but it’s easy to feel like you lack something essential when, instead of consuming the art, you are the one producing it

here’s an example: i love horror contentnot all of it of course, but i love horror that really makes me think and makes me see a characters motivations and really digs in deep psychologically and sticks with you even after you’re done experiencing the media

however it is very very hard for me to make anything that is strictly horror. for a long time i thought i was just bad at it, but i realized later that i’m not missing something that helps to write/draw horror … i just experience horror different based on if i’m consuming it vs making it part of the horror appeal to me is the MYSTERYif i am writing/drawing horror, there is NO mystery! i know everything there is to know about the situation i am making! i know all the character’s motivations, i know everything there is to know about every tiny detail and even if i am writing something where i don’t know what happens so it’s a purposeful mystery (such as in this comic where i don’t know what happens if you take off the tinier beak) it sometimes feels less Cool Mystery for me and more like “oh no i don’t know this thing, oh god, i’m a bad writer”i’ve gotten over that little by little, but it’s still hard to shake that i’m “missing” something with work that ISN’T mine its easy to put meaning that may not have been totally intended and THINK that the person meant it, and thus feel like that thing is more thought-out than it actually is

you might be experiencing something similar with art… where it feels like when you see OTHER art, you feel happy or like theres a meaning there etc but with your own art, you can’t capture that same feeling… it could literally be because you know what youre going for and what youre doing because youre the one doing it

3a- old art feels better sometimes because it is more removed from youyou know better than i do in this regard if this is true to you, because sometimes people can genuinely get rusty and lose but for the most part older art tends to feel better due to the fact it is becoming more and more removed from your current state and mindsetold art starts to slowly get treated the way you read Other people’s art because you’re not staring at it constantly and you start to forget the process and effort behind the old art

sometimes you can’t see well if your new art is “better” or not because it is too current on your mind and you know how hard it is to make and if it does or doesnt match what you were going for or etc etcmeanwhile your old art starts to be viewed more objectively because you dont remember every difficult line with it, and you can see it as a bit better because you’re not bogged by the negativity

3b- even if you fell off, you can regain the skill

even if you DID get worse over time… you did it once before and you can do it againyou can learn from your old works, but also try to learn from your old mentality a lot of my old stuff was more expressive and emotivei could learn to do that again mechanically, imitating my old stuff, but a big part of why my art was that way was because my mentality was different back then i was louder, more open, etc etcthink about what’s changed within you to see reasons for things changed in your art

4a- fear only works if you’re afraid of being badit is important to be able to see ways you can improve… but it’s also important not to fear that you have areas that CAN improveif you view “making something bad” as a punishment/negative outcome your fear directs itself through all your art

the easiest point fear can attack is starting to draw at allbefore you start drawing its very easy for your mind to go “why do this? why try if it’s just going to be stressful” and all through out the process that ramps up like “see it’s just stressful why do it”

your fear seemingly offers you something to gain if you don’t even try: avoiding the pain of art altogether

but what if you were unphased by that pain? if you don’t care about making something bad, that fear can’t manifest

some artists start their day by drawing the shittiest thing they can to shake off rust and have fun doing it … drawing a cartoon character from memory, drawing and overly rendered shitpost etc now i’m not saying not to care about your quality and take a ton of shortcuts and blablait’s still good to want to learn and improve it’s just that you have to start rearranging your perspective on your steps to achieve that

4b- no-stakes neutral is no problemhow do you get rid of that fear? how do you stop feeling being bad is.. bad?

try to view arts range as neutral to positive (as opposed to negative to postive) because at it’s base that’s exactly what art is what i mean by that is…let’s say you’re trying to draw a cat (and it’s not a commission or anything). your first attempt does not look anything like a cat this is not a “bad” thing though it may feel that way your failed attempt at a cat has not stabbed you or taken money or food from you or in any way truly inconvenienced you

the base idea is that you drew something and it wasn’t what you wanted this is completely neutral.. it’s like going to look for a new shirt. if you see shirts you don’t care for, you move past them until you get to the shirt you want.your “bad art” is just that. a bunch of shirts you don’t want til you find the one you’re looking for… you don’t have to pay anything for those “bad” attemptssure they take a bit of time and if you don’t have a lot of energy you might feel bad to use it on a drawing that you don’t enjoy and it can be frustrating if you keep trying to no avail, but all in all it’s not a stark negative

art isn’t a straight pathit’s winding, it’s really confusing , and it can be tiringbut if you go down a path that’s a dead end, you just try another pathdon’t fear reaching dead ends, there are always more paths

chuck jones (an iconic animator) said he had to draw multiple drafts to get expressions just right failure is in the eye of the beholder… he felt the first drafts for those expressions did not fit what he wanted, but he didn’t fear failure because of that even if the art was not by his standards, he continued until he got the one he felt was appropriate

it takes patience to get to where you wantif you stay patient you will eventually arrive there

5- drawing and thinking go hand in handart is a blend of being able to draw and being able to problem solve through what you already knowwhen i get stressed with art it’s usually because i don’t know what the hell i’m doing with no way to check myself if i’m close to what i want or not with me it tends to happen with backgrounds or animalsthis is why ppl typically suggest learning to draw cubes, cylinders and spheres from any angle because then you can transfer that base knowledge into other objectslike, cubes can be used to draw rooms, boxes, screens, fences, etccylinders can be pipes, water bottles, arms and legs, etc

transfering base knowledge is essential in art and understanding that you can do that, even if only as a base, helps a lotwith learning how to draw a mouse, you have a starting point for learning how to draw a rat (comparing the headshapes, sizes, ears, etc)… then you can use these two as a base point for drawing a squirrel, then a rabbit etc

another example could be maybe you know how to draw claws but not fangs… you can interchange the shape of a curved claw for a curved fang easily

starting with something you know and figuring out how to transfer the knowledge is very important and can help lessen that stress because instead of not even knowing where to start, you can problem solve to figure out what you already know under different termsits just all about knowing what connections you can try and learn, and working “smart”

on that vein… 6- perfecting things doesn’t make perfectit’s very tempting to make every tiny detail as good as you possibly can… but it’s very daunting and time consumingyou should try to work “smart” here too and now what i mean by that is … say i’m making a comic. i can make the comic to the absolute best of my current ability and take forever and become extremely drained Or… i could decide to try but still set a deadline for myself, and not worry TOO much about the smaller details why is the second one better? because i will get it done. if i try very very hard my ABSOLUTE best on a comic, making sure every single line is perfect, in a few months that comic will still be outdated. it will still get old and the amount i learned from it is limitedif i give myself some leeway (still trying of course, still learning and challenging myself) and set a deadline, i learn to be disciplined in my comics, i get a comic finished, AND i learn more because i am finishing more work in general

this is a really helpful video that explains this point more in depth

this isn’t to say you need to take the easiest routes for art that are availableit’s more like… back to the comic example, let’s say it’s like making a cake i can be a huge perfectionist about my cake, carving everything exact and putting every drop of frosting as exact as i can… but i’m still not a “master” at this i’m still learning the next time i make a cake i’m going to have to do the same situation … take forever to try to make the perfect cake

if i make a cake and still try, but accept when i don’t know how to get the exact result, my first cake is going to be a bit of a mess, but the next cake i make, i’ll be a little closer and in the time it takes Perfectionist Me to make 2 cakes, i might have already made 10 and i’ve sped up the process now and improved because i’ve learned a lot with those 10 cakes

there’s probably more that can be said about art, but i’m hesitant to try to dictate too much about how you experience your art and go about it i hope that this can help you at least a bit though

#nonbonart post

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swampgallows · 7 years ago

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well, so, tumblr ate my post on my phone, but the gist of what i wanted to say was that it was, of course, amazing, but i feel like... and this is kind of cheesy and embarrassing but, it wasn’t really until this year, between wonder woman and this film—the shape of water—that i felt like anything was “for me”.

i cannot remember the last time my heart swelled like that during a film, let alone in general. in fact, i’m not sure it ever has. not in that way. this film made me understand why people care for romance films or romance itself, the appeal of it. i cried a lot. and i cried a lot during wonder woman too, but for a different sort of reason. wonder woman helped me realize i was starving to see a strong, whole woman; i had thought to myself “no wonder people love superheroes so much”. i thought they were fun, of course, but it wasn’t until wonder woman that i truly felt that kind of power, that feeling of being uplifted. it was like... hope, and protection. even growing up i never had a “hero”, as it were, not until chris metzen, and that wasn’t until i was well in my teens. i have felt like the outcast for so long that i couldnt even feel like an underdog, let alone a hero.

it’s foolish to say what i found in the shape of water was “representation”, but... it was like a validity. it felt verified. it felt.... real. it wasn’t goofy. it wasn’t a joke. it wasn’t supernatural or one-sided. it felt very real. i did not even realize there were tears in my eyes until one fell down my face. it felt so very real to me. of course, i love all of guillermo del toro’s movies, particularly in that he engages with fairy tales—parables, too, as he had mentioned in the interview following the credits—with a reverence, an authenticity. with respect. when you accept these creatures and themes as real, they become real. but if you maintain the whole time that it’s “just CGI”, “just movie magic”; proving his whole point, when you “Other” these creatures, you turn them into things. you make them objects instead of real, believable, sentient things. and his point was that we do this to people too. “There is no us VS them. There is only us.”

and, really, on the heels of seeing Bright, the contrast between the films is stark. Bright achieved almost the exact opposite of taking these fantasy races—which are to be respected as fellow people in an urban fantasy setting—and immediately Othering them, as well as making the entire film about their Otherness. additionally, the “message” of the film is lost when jakoby is the exception to the rule, the “One Good Orc” instead of “orcs are people” (despite literally having the line “orcs are people too”, this is never put into practice). and he is even further robbed of that by ward being a bright all along instead of jakoby, or even BOTH of them. ALL the formulaic evidence points to jakoby being a bright. “brights are elves, rarely humans, NEVER orcs”; jakoby is unblooded, round-toothed, clan-less, seen as a dissenter to his entire race; inexplicably wanted to be a cop ever since he was a little kid even though there have never been orc cops and most are sent off to war; demonstrably more sensitive and inquisitive than most orcs; even the very last moment up until ward’s bright reveal, jakoby gives an entire relay of the myth of jirak the humble orc farmer, who was unblooded, who turned out to be a man of prophecy, and begs ward to go back and help tikka. “I think we’re in a prophecy!” yet ward is the bright and jakoby isn’t. fucking L. ZERO payoff. ward is a racist asshole to jakoby the entire fucking film, treats him like shit, then finds out HE gets to hold a magic wand? fuck off.

yet even bright, in all of its horribleness, still feels like it was “for me”. so, it’s strange, but, i feel like mainstream stories are... finally becoming accessible to me? it’s hard to explain. Like, there’s a reason i’m rooted in my Very Insular Interests and all that bullshit. i dont feel welcome anywhere else. of course i stick with what’s familiar, and i dont think i will ever “move on” from these core aspects of my life and personality, but... it feels like there are stories coming out that i can actually relate to, things where my interests are the focus instead of being a side character or an extra in the background, or it’s the core plot to a film instead of being a parody or, worse, from a documentary angle. “how strange this is! why are people like this! can you BELIEVE there are people who relate better to MONSTERS than PEOPLE? god, there are people who actually think this is COOL but it’s so lame and stupid and for total nerds!!! UGH, can you BELIEVE those crybaby SJWs are BEGGING for a FEMALE SUPERHERO for WOKE FEMINIST POINTS?”

wonder woman stood atop the tower, alone, triumphant, and had saved the village. and everyone looked up at her, in awe of her, full of gratitude. that shot made me think “this is why little boys want to be superman.” there was a little girl in me that thought “i wish i could be wonder woman.” something like gender shouldn’t make a difference, but what a difference it makes. i mean, there’s a reason i havent felt that feeling before. and it’s not because i have any particular affinity for superheroes or diana herself; i truthfully have very little interest in either. but that is the first time i have ever seen a solitary, non-sexual, powerful woman. even in trying to tell my mom about the shot after i saw the film, i burst into tears.

bright was handled like shit, but the fact that the movie even got made is astounding to me, particularly because it didn’t have the “excuse” of being rooted in preexisting media. so even though the story was shit, that it was an original screenplay is HUGE to me. Hellboy II was sick as hell, one of my favorite films, and pulled off the ‘urban fantasy’ much better than bright could ever hope to, but it had the veil of being a “comic book film”, so people knew they were going in under a pretense that it would be pulp and campy. essentially, not serious. not real. already written off as “this isn’t real so it can’t affect me. i’m just turning my brain off for a while.”

i guess it’s just that... these monsters are so real to me and i relate to them so deeply that it’s almost like seeing myself, in a sense. i feel such a personal attachment to them that seeing a creature as obscure as an orc on film or outside the same realms of media (lotr, warcraft, d&d) is cause for celebration. it’s like seeing something that even vaguely references a rave; i feel acknowledged because that’s me, that’s my community, those are my people. and OTHER PEOPLE recognize that that’s me too. i remember in high school one of my classmates told me to watch the entirety of disney’s chicken little (not recommended) because it made him think of me. why? there was a split second where one of the characters (the ugly duckling, thanks asshole) holds a glowstick. that is literally it. there wasn’t even techno playing. it was wannabe by the spice girls. but even then i was still like (POINTS) ME

and i think that’s something guillermo understands, because he relates so deeply to monsters as well. and interviewers and other media outlets might take it as a novelty—oh that kooky del toro, what will he think of next! isn’t that bizarre! what a strange man he is haha oh but we love it! wow, totally trippy settings! where does he come up with this stuff???—but del toro makes sure his films convey respect and severity. He doesn’t play up these films as pulp or tongue in cheek or with any sort of bashfulness of “i know this is silly, but...” He doesn’t feel a need to excuse himself for his interests. he portrays them fully and seriously, and that gives me great courage. as someone who is constantly apologizing for my interests being too silly or “too insular” (I will never get over that haha sorry!) or too obscure or too abrasive, always being too loud or too much or too ugly, seeing my interests portrayed with genuine respect and depth always feels worthy of celebration to a degree i cant put into words. it gives me strength to exist, unabashedly, and as my full self.

i’m excited for the blockbuster bubble to burst. maybe, finally, all of us at the edges will finally get to surface. i am already seeing the little trickles.

#bright spoilers /#the shape of water spoilers /#blathering

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autisticteru · 8 years ago

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A Kick in the Teeth is Good for Some - CHAPTER 5

Summary: All Ritsu wants is to move on and be happy with his life. But something keeps growing inside him. From his stomach to his chest to his throat and out his eyes and mouth, until it fully surrounds him making it impossible to ignore. He can cut it down, but it will just grow back. He needs to destroy it, to pull it up from the roots. And he thinks he finally knows how. But there’s only one person who can help with that. Unfortunately, that person is Teruki Hanazawa.

Read on AO3 HERE

Read from the beginning HERE

Individual chapters:

Fanart for this chapter! (x)

Chapter 5: Hidden

“This spot seems good,” said Teru, standing over the edge of a giant hole that spanned both the roof of the building and the basement floors. The place was certainly familiar to Ritsu. It was where the final battle between the Scars of the Seventh Branch took place, and it was one of several places where Ritsu found himself in yet another near-death experience.

But Teru was right about the place being perfect to train. There was plenty of rubble, pipes, wires, and other stuff to work with. There was also a nice amount of shelter from the weather. And neither of them would have to worry about the consequences of breaking things. Ritsu was starting to get excited.

“Ok,” said Teru, “Here’s the plan. This week we’ll be focusing on the basics. That is, your barrier and your telekenesis. Today I’m going to be testing where your limits and boundaries lie. Afterwards, we’ll work on pushing them to their utmost limits. Of course, we’ll be using the basics all throughout this training, but next week we’ll start on testing what other special abilities you may have.”

“Special abilities?”

“Like how Suzuki can turn invisible and how Shimazaki can teleport. As I’ve gone on to fight others, I’ve manage to pick up an array of different psychic techniques. So far, there have been very few techniques I haven’t been able to figure out through hard work. But it’s different for other people. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, there are things you can’t do. But I’m sure you already know that.”

“You’re referring to my brother.”

“Precisely. If that’s the case, you shouldn’t get hung up over it. There are ways to use your power creatively and effectively to outsmart your opponent.”

“Unless that person is my brother.”

“You aren’t fighting your brother, Ritsu-kun.”

“If you’re going to bring him up you might as well be honest about that, Teru-san.”

“Fine. There are some things that technique can’t accomplish. But even so, your potential is greater than most, Ritsu-kun. So much so, that I think you have a chance at surpassing even me. But you’re a late-bloomer so your powers havent had the time to mature. So I’m not quite sure what powers you have besides the basics. So I’ll show you everything I know. Anyway, somewhere in between drills we’ll make time for lunch.”

“Somewhere in between?”

“We’ll have lunch when we’re hungry! I didn’t plan out everything perfectly. Honestly I wasn’t entirely sure how this would go.”

“How reassuring.”

“Look, I’ve only ever trained with the Awakening Lab kids and myself. They can’t do the things you and I can do. But I’m not entirely sure how different your powers are from mine. So I’m playing it by ear. Today’s gonna be mostly experimental, but it’ll get more routine based later.”

“Alright, I get it.” Ritsu had to admit to himself that he was really getting excited to start. But god forbid he let Teru know that.

“Moving on, at the end of the day we’ll spar and then head back.”

“Won’t I be too exhausted to win by then?”

“You wouldn’t be able to win a spar against me even if you were in top shape, Ritsu-kun. At the end of the day I’ll judge if you’re truly ready to fight Suzuki-kun. Understand?”

Ritsu rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I guess.”

“Good,” said Teru. “Then lets get started.”

Teru hopped down into the hole through several stories of broken floors until he reached the deepest part of the crater left by their fight. Ritsu followed shortly after, using his psychic powers to break his fall and land comfortably.

“Okay,” Teru exhaled. “Stand close to the center and show me your full barrier.”

Ritsu did as he was told, exherting his energy to focus on his defense, creating a near transparent bubble around his body.

“Not bad,” said Teru. “We’ll start with an endurance test. I’m going to increase the pressure against your barrier using telekenesis. I’ll start slow and increase it little by little. Keep it up as long as you can.”

“Got it.”

Teru inhaled and reached out his arms in front of him, moving his knees inward into that pigeon-toed stance he always sported while fighting. Ritsu had to wonder how anyone could hold their balance while standing like that, but he wasn’t about to underestimate Teru’s strength. He braced himself.

“Tell me when you’re ready,” instructed Teru.

“I’m ready.”

The ground rumbled and cracked and Ritsu immediately felt immense pressure coming from every direction. It wasn’t enough to break the barrier, but it was enough to make Ritsu work to keep his barrier up. There was a familiar air to the type of technique that Teru was using.

“This is…!”

“That’s right” confirmed Teru. “Gravity control. I learned it a while back, though it was hard to replicate. I still can’t make black holes. But this is less dangerous. When you feel your barrier can’t hold anymore just tell me and I’ll release the pressure.”

It was a fairly reasonable excersise. If Ritsu hadn’t been so bitter about everything that led up that point, he might have expressed a bit more gratitude. The entire building was rumbling and moaning. The atmosphere was perfect.

About two minutes passed. Teru had been slowly increasing the gravity around Ritsu and both boys were starting to sweat. Ritsu was about to collapse, so he looked up at Teru and opened his mouth to speak.

And then Ritsu saw it for the first time. Teru’s mouth was open and slightly moving as though he were muttering something to himself. His eyes were blank, looking at nothing in particular, and yet wide as though he had just seen his worst fear. It was an expression of an indescribable emotion. Blank horror. Though Ritsu could only gaze at it for a second.

Teru’s eyes came back into focus, as if something had startled him, waking him from a trance. His fists clenched tight and he cleched his jaw down and showed his teeth. His eyebrows furrowed up as though he were in fight-or-flight mode. And the gravity increased.

Ritsu’s barrier shattered, but before his body could hit the ground, he felt a force pulling him gently upward until his feet were no longer touching the ground.

“I’m so sorry!” Ritsu looked down at a tense, geuninely shaken up Teru. He gently lowered Ritsu back to the ground.

“I’m really sorry,” Teru apologized again, “I spaced out. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Ritsu assured Teru, “I was about to stop it anyway.”

“You aren’t hurt, then?”

“I’m fine.”

Teru took a deep sigh.

“Okay,” he said, back to his original cheerful demeanor, “Take a five minute rest and then we’ll work on your reflexes.”

Ritsu was shocked as to how quickly Teru’s personality could bounce back and forth. He was starting to get the idea that maybe genuine concern for others wasn’t Teru’s strong-suit. Although, really, Ritsu knew he had no room to talk on that regard. There certainly was something familiar about Teru that Ritsu couldn’t quite put his finger on. But he knew one thing for sure.

Teru was hiding something.

As Ritsu leaned up against a part of a wall that remained in tact, he could see Teru with his jacket unzipped. His hand was pulling on the collar of the low-cut shirt he was wearing with a tight grip. Ritsu couldn’t see too well from his angle, but it looked as though he were digging his nails into the center of his breast.

Ritsu didn’t want to stare, but Teru seemed to be so lost in his own world that he didn’t seem to notice. He was moving his lips again. It was so slight, but Ritsu noticed. He wondered what he was saying. It certainly couldn’t have been good, from the expression on his face.

An emotion indescribable.

If only for a moment, Ritsu had to wonder if Teru knew. But the moment passed. There was simply no way. He was too smiley. He was too self-centered. But even with all that said and done, there was no denying that Teru was bothered by something. Ritsu was more than a bit curious, but he didn’t want to be disappointed. Considering Teru, it could be anything.

Ritsu slid down from the wall where he was standing and landed in a sitting position. He was still exhausted, but five minutes was hardly enough for a nap. He closed his eyes and listened to Teru’s footsteps.

Suzuki…

That’s right. That was the reason he was here. As soon as this was over, everything could go back to normal. No more bad feelings getting in the way. That was all Ritsu wanted.

“You ready?”

Ritsu jumped. He could have sworn he heard Teru’s footsteps trail further away from him, but here he was, standing right in front of Ritsu. And he looked cheerier than ever. Too cheery, in fact. Wasn’t he just moping a second ago?

“Uh… yeah, I guess.”

“Good. We’ll be working on telekinesis now.”

#shark writes #A Kick in the Teeth is Good for Some #mp100 fic #riteru

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effervescentmind · 5 years ago

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Entry 18: 07/10/19 @ 3:42 p.m.

I’m at work on the patio.

So I have a lot of crappy news to talk about. These last few days havent been very great. Last Tuesday I woke up with some strange sharp pain on my right collarbone but the pain would only come if I inhaled. I dismissed it, thinking maybe that I had slept weird and it would pass. Wednesday, it moved to my left collarbone and I knew it was too much of a coincendence to be a strain but I still ignored it. Thursday I felt no pain until the evening when my waist started feeling a bit sore. It wasnt a sharp pain but more like the soreness you get from working out. I’m a server and work at least 40 hours a week so I figured my body just felt tired like usual. Friday I woke up around 3 a.m. in sooo much pain. It felt like someone stabbed my ribs, I could barely move without screaming. I eventually fell back asleep and then called out of work when I got up. When I explained to the manager that I was going to the hospital for unexplainable pain, he told me he had my morning covered but he fully expected me to be there that night for dinner shift. I hung up and was very upset at the lack of concern he had for my well-being. I didn’t have any money to get a lyft to the hospital and texted my mom and best friends’ mom for ten bucks. My best friends mom didnt get back to me that day but my mom was able to cash app me. I called my job and spoke with another manager, updating him on my situation and that I would keep him posted. When I got there, I was seen right away because there was no line. The doctor immediately knew I had Pleurisy.

From what I understand its a viral infection that inflames the protective lining of your lungs. The lining is suposed to protect your lungs and make sure they expand smoothly against your ribcage. When the lung gets inflammed, it creates friction. That friction was what I was feeling everytime I inhaled. The doctor gave me a 800mg ibeprofen and kept me there for an hour to see if it helped. It worked very slightly but I was still in pain and breathing shallow. He perscribed me the ibeprofen and instructed me to stay home that night and the next day. I called my job and a third manager picked up. I updated him and let him know that I had to stay home. He was very upset about it and then we hung up.

Saturday morning, I get a text from my bestfriends’ mom. It was her husband telling me that she was in the hospital and thats why I didnt get a call back but that he would still send me the money if I needed it. He was concerned about me as well. I told him what happened and that I was ok and didnt need the money. Then I asked him if mom (I call her mom because she took me in and is eveything to me) was ok and he said he didnt know. That she had tried to overdose on Xanax. I was in shock and told him I was so sorry and that I wanted to come see her. I asked for her number and expressed my convern for him and my little sister. He said she was fine and that they told her that mom just needed help feeling happy and that she would be home soon. My heart was heavy and I cried for hours. I ended up talking to my best friend and we got high on the phone and cried together. Neither of us had talked to mom because we didnt want to upset her with our emotions.

Sunday morning, I was still in pain but not as much as the day before. When I got to work, I realized that I wasnt ready for it. I couldnt walk very fast or I would get winded because of all my shallow breathing. Talking was very short and limited or very strained and exhausting. My coworkers kept asking me if I was ok and wondering why I was so quiet. I felt like shit and the more I worked the worse the pain would get until I had to stop every two minutes to catch my breath. I started talking to coworkers and asking if anyone wanted to pick up my shift. No one could because they were all doubles so I went to my boss and told her I couldnt breath. She immediately told me that I had to go home and stopped me from trying to find people to cover my shift. She told me I was fine.

The guy that picked me up drove like a fucking maniac and added to the horrish pain I would eventually feel when I got home. It felt like he was tossing me around in the back seat with a thousand knives around me and I was too winded to speak up. Then when I got home, I dropped everything on the floor and tried to sit on the couch but couldnt even sit. It was too painful to move. I literally had to keep my torso perfectly straight and spread my legs to lower myself onto the couch. I could not use my abs AT ALL or I would trigger a sharp pain and scream. I eventually took a shower and stayed on the couch for the remainder of the evening. Going to bed was a thirty minute process. Just finding the right angle to lower myself and figuring out what movements I had to make for the least painful experience was exhausting. My sleep was rough and uncomfortable.

I had monday off (thankfully) and still had a considerable amount of pain but felt much better. Spent the day relaxing and catering to myself and body.

Tuesday (yesterday) I felt GREAT. Hardly any pain and no laborous talking. I went in to work and people were happy to see me and happy that I was back…I realized that I was happy too. Not because of my job but because holy shit I finally felt close to normal again. Everything was going great, we had a slight pop and I was in my groove. Then the mid-manager comes in (the one that was upset about me not coming in over the weekend) and askes me how I was feeling and without letting me answer comments, disappointedly, on how I called out again on Sunday. I looked at him and said that I had to, I couldnt breathe and he scoffed at me. I then told him that I did come Sunday and tried but left early and he just walked away and didnt say anything. I continued to take care of my tables but his comments were in the front of my mind, They were really bothering me! So as soon as I found a monet to talk, I pulled him aside to speak in private. I told him that I didnt appreciate his comment earlier, that it was insensitive. I tried my best and still came in despite my condition. I missed out on at least 300 dollars over the weekend and noe had a 200 dollar hospital bill to pay without insurance. He somewhat sympathized and agreed that he was maybe a little insensitive. I said it was alright and he proceeded to tell me about one of my coworkers and how they have been working for two weeks with rib pain. Then I told him that he had nothing to do withme and that it my pain was different. It was my lung and I explained what the doctor told me about Pleurisy. He listened and acknowleged that he might have been insensitive but then told me about how he was at work for a whole week once with kidney stones. Again, I told him that his stones have nothing to do with my long and that he was downplaying my situation. He then someowhat agreed with me and we ened the conversation. i thought we were good and it was over but he follwed me to the bar and told me that earlier he was just asking me a question and he wasnt being rude. I reiterated what he said and how and told him that he was expressing disappointment. He then denied it and reitarated a version of his “question” with the same words and nicer tone. I told him that yes he did say that but not in the form of a question and not nicely. He continued to go back and forth with me and I stopped him saying that I wasnt trying to argue with him. He wouldnt let it go so I told him he was being defensive and he told me he wasnt and started trying to fight with me about being defensive. I told him that this was dumb and that I wasnt going to argue. He cut me off and said it was dumb and it was dumb for me to bring it up in the first place. Then (yelling) told me that I had the resturant in a disarray for no reason. He said this while walking away from me and by guests, making sure he was heard. I yelled back “I’m so sorry Jason that you had a hole in your floor for three days because I was in the hospital, you asshole!”. He then went to our boss and started talking shit and then immediately after went up to the hostesses telling them that he didnt care that I felt like he was being insensitive. I couldnt believe that this MANAGER was acting like a stupid like fucking child and causing a scene.

The worst part of this all is that my boss was on his side and basically told me that I was being emotional and that Jason didnt mean anything by it. Hes just a very black and white person and thats what got him the job in the first place. UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!!!!!! I didnt even argue back because I’m so done witht his place. I’m offically fucking numb. I’m just going to work on getting my car and then line up a better job so that I cant quit. I’m not even going to tell them, I’ll just not call and block them. Fuck these bitches.

#oldiary

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loveismyreligionom · 5 years ago

Text

Entry 18: 07/10/19 @ 3:42 p.m.

I’m at work on the patio.

I had monday off (thankfully) and still had a considerable amount of pain but felt much better. Spent the day relaxing and catering to myself and body.

Tuesday (yesterday) I felt GREAT. Hardly any pain and no laborous talking. I went in to work and people were happy to see me and happy that I was back...I realized that I was happy too. Not because of my job but because holy shit I finally felt close to normal again. Everything was going great, we had a slight pop and I was in my groove. Then the mid-manager comes in (the one that was upset about me not coming in over the weekend) and askes me how I was feeling and without letting me answer comments, disappointedly, on how I called out again on Sunday. I looked at him and said that I had to, I couldnt breathe and he scoffed at me. I then told him that I did come Sunday and tried but left early and he just walked away and didnt say anything. I continued to take care of my tables but his comments were in the front of my mind, They were really bothering me! So as soon as I found a monet to talk, I pulled him aside to speak in private. I told him that I didnt appreciate his comment earlier, that it was insensitive. I tried my best and still came in despite my condition. I missed out on at least 300 dollars over the weekend and noe had a 200 dollar hospital bill to pay without insurance. He somewhat sympathized and agreed that he was maybe a little insensitive. I said it was alright and he proceeded to tell me about one of my coworkers and how they have been working for two weeks with rib pain. Then I told him that he had nothing to do withme and that it my pain was different. It was my lung and I explained what the doctor told me about Pleurisy. He listened and acknowleged that he might have been insensitive but then told me about how he was at work for a whole week once with kidney stones. Again, I told him that his stones have nothing to do with my long and that he was downplaying my situation. He then someowhat agreed with me and we ened the conversation. i thought we were good and it was over but he follwed me to the bar and told me that earlier he was just asking me a question and he wasnt being rude. I reiterated what he said and how and told him that he was expressing disappointment. He then denied it and reitarated a version of his “question” with the same words and nicer tone. I told him that yes he did say that but not in the form of a question and not nicely. He continued to go back and forth with me and I stopped him saying that I wasnt trying to argue with him. He wouldnt let it go so I told him he was being defensive and he told me he wasnt and started trying to fight with me about being defensive. I told him that this was dumb and that I wasnt going to argue. He cut me off and said it was dumba nd it was dumb for me to bring it up in the first place. Then (yelling) told me that I had the resturant in a disarray for no reason. He said this while walking away from me and by guests, making sure he was heard. I yelled back “I’m so sorry Jason that you had a hole in your floor for three days because I was in the hospital, you asshole!”. He then went to our boss and started talking shit and then immediately after went up to the hostesses telling them that he didnt care that I felt like he was being insensitive. I couldnt believe that this MANAGER was acting like a stupid like fucking child and causing a scene.

#diary

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