#see: binary trans people who feel more comfortable with aspects of their agab after they transition.

[betterbemeta]

secret high level trans feeling:

feeling nothing special or stylish when you look at cisgender people that are your agab

yet

sharing a sense of style and feeling kinship with trans people that are your agab

because 'assuming an expression of this gender' is a shared experience and a version of a thing that looks euphoric rather than being imposed from without as a form of control is genuinely miraculous-- even if you do not want to live life 'as' that gender or even any binary gender at all.

[lachouettefr]

This post will contain spoilers about the last Doctor Who episode (The Star Beast)

Content warning: this is about writing queer / trans characters in fiction and contains mentions of transphobia.

———

Watching the last episode of Doctor Who I found myself both extremely happy to finally have a more fleshed out trans representation in the show than Cassandra, and disappointed that this representation didn’t live up to my expectations.

I will admit that my expectations are my own problem, but I do want to talk about writing queer and especially trans characters in fiction. This obviously includes non binary people because we are both queer and trans.

Skip this part if you want to avoid spoilers.

The context of this post is basically: Rose is a trans girl (who may also be non binary). She is brilliantly played by Yasmin Finney, she is creative, makes toys and has a loving supportive family. She is Donna’s daughter.

Rose’s character is mostly defined by her transness though, as it has been used a plot device to save everyone.

We get to see a sweet moment between Sylvia and Donna where Sylvia admits she still makes mistakes and doesn’t want to hurt Rose. It’s beautiful, it’s a perfect scene to show your audience supporting trans people means being kind and trying, but that you can make mistakes.

We get a non so sweet moment where Rose is deadnamed. We hear her deadname. It happens early in the episode. And frankly, I can understand why it’s there, it’s supposed to show how hurtful and wrong it is, but I don’t think using trans people to show only misery, pain or teach a lesson is very good.

So I’m going to talk about my own view of writing trans characters and it’s ok if you’re trans too but disagree with me, we’re not a monolith.

End of spoilers

———

I’ve created a lot of trans and queer characters throughout the years and I will admit that my first trans (non binary) character was basically made to express my suffering. I understand making stories about pain and coming out or about how shitty this society can be because that is how it started for me.

Alex, my fursona, was named after me when I couldn’t hope to legally change my name. Their deadname cannot be erased, I’ve made it so they lived in a culture that was falsely progressive when it comes to gender identity so you’d be born, be given two name (one masc, one fem, the first one reflecting your AGAB) or a gender neutral name and couldn’t change them.

And Alex has two, which means their deadname is not only omnipresent but also constantly outing them as trans.

I wrote that because I felt trapped. I felt I couldn’t escape my assigned gender, I couldn’t transition, I would never be myself. Because being my true self seemed miserable at a time trans people were expected to fit a specific narrative.

Since then, things have changed. I came out, I socially transitioned, legally changed my name. Taking my time with the medical stuff, but I feel happier and I don’t feel trapped anymore. This has also helped me identify my past feelings, the prison I was living in.

And now my trans characters don’t have a deadname. Because I don’t know them, I don’t think about their deadnames, I found out that it’s not actually relevant in most stories. I have fun writing stories about characters, some of them end up being queer because I am queer myself and it feels comfortable having characters who are like me, but they are people and their queerness is just one aspect of their life, it doesn’t define them entirely and certainly isn’t the main plot.

Fun fact: at least one of my cisgender character has a deadname too, which I don’t know either because cis people can change their name too.

Apart from some very specific stories written by trans people, I think this obsession to know a character’s deadname is very revelatory of how cis people tend to think they ought to know. Nobody deserves to know a trans person’s deadname.

I also don’t want us to be used as plot devices. I think we should be people first, queer second. Integrate queephobia to your stories in an authentic way: don’t make us miserable because that is the only narrative you can think about, don’t think of us as just a way to teach tolerance and acceptance.

(I am going to mention another show)

One Night did a brilliant job at creating a queer story. You have lesbians (married, with kids) and a possibly bi woman (we don’t know how she defines herself) having actual lives, the show explore trauma but doesn’t exploit their sexual orientation in any way in this context: it could have happened to straight women. They just happen to be queer, they’re allowed to just be queer, there is lesbophobia because you can’t exactly be a gay woman and not face lesbophobia ever but it’s brought up in an authentic way, it isn’t overdone and it is certainly not used to teach us anything.

It feels real.

Compare this to shows that have married lesbians to teach you to respect this kid’s two mums, or to sexualise them, or to make them utterly miserable BECAUSE of their queerness, I think it’s great.

And it’s ruined me because now I expect everything to be this.

So my point is:

I need queer characters to be PEOPLE first and queer second. Especially when they are not being written by queer people, or when it’s a trans person being written by a cis person.

Some stories can work when they are made for very young children, and I’m 100% supportive of queer people writing about their own experiences though.

I am not a good writer (I am a beginner) and I cannot tell people how to write, but I would just like to suggest thinking about your characters as people first, always. Then the layers will add up naturally, feel more authentic.

(And use sensitivity readers if you can.)

The goal is not to sanitised representation, I cited One Night especially because it’s not sanitised at all and this is why it is so good. We just need to move past ‘any representation is better than no representation at all’ or else we’re never going to be people in fiction.

[zorilleerrant]

...but am I trans?

That’s a big question. Maybe too big. Let’s break it down instead.

Do I like my name?

Here’s a big thing people get caught up on: they either think they can’t be trans, because they like the gendered name they’ve been using, or they think they must be trans, because they like some other gendered name. There are plenty of reasons you might like a name, gender aside! Instead of asking yourself what it has to do with your gender, make a list of names you like, or stick with one (or several) you’re already using. You can use whatever name you want, even if it doesn’t ‘match’ your gender, and you don’t have to be trans to change your name. Pick one that makes you happy!

What pronouns do I want to use?

A lot of trans people like to stick with the pronouns they’ve used since they were little because they’re used to them, especially nonbinary people, who might not like any of the options we have right now. A lot of nonbinary people also prefer to switch to the other binary pronoun to reinforce that they’re not their assigned gender (since many people have trouble understanding nonbinary genders). Both nonbinary and binary trans people may use their assigned pronouns or multiple pronouns, to prevent people from trying to harass them using pronouns, or to make it hurt less when they do. And regardless of whether people are cis or trans, there’s a long history of women using he/him, men using she/her, or either using they/them or some of the longstanding neopronouns. Find pronouns that feel comfortable to you, and go ahead and ask your friends to use them. Even if you like more than one set! You can always change your mind if you stop liking them, or find something you like better.

What gendered terms do I want people to use for me?

This can be things like titles - Mr./Ms./Mx. - or things that refer to someone in a gendered way - brother, sister, sibling. These often won’t match up to the pronouns someone uses, so don’t worry if they’re different! Many people want to use things that are gender neutral in a political way, regardless of their gender. Other people might want to use gendered terms for the same reasons as pronouns, and that’s pretty common regardless of gender. Many people prefer a mix of things, or prefer different things in different situations. Figure out what makes you comfortable! Don’t try to figure out what gender label you like first, because that’s much harder; instead of asking whether people should call you things like man, woman, nonbinary, ask whether you want to be called boyfriend, girlfriend, datemate. There are a lot more possible combinations here than with pronouns, so take your time.

Do I want to change my body shape?

This is a difficult question for a lot of people, because they focus only on what they find upsetting about their bodies, and then try to gauge whether it’s upsetting ‘enough’. That’s not the question, though. If there are things that it would make you less upset if you changed them, that’s important! But if there are things that would make you happier if you changed them, regardless of how you feel right now, that’s important, too! It may be difficult to weight the pros and cons, but you should try out some shaping garments if that seems like a thing that might be helpful to you. You could also try wearing clothes that emphasize or deemphasize different aspects of your body. Many trans people don’t feel this way, and many cis people do feel this way, so you don’t have to figure out whether you’re trans first. If you feel this way only some of the time, that’s pretty common, too! A lot of multigender people feel like that regularly, but binary people (cis and trans) do too sometimes. There’s a lot of different experiences out there, so you should try different things and see what makes you happy.

Do I want to change how my body looks to other people or to me?

If you only want to change how other people see your body, how they read your physical form, or what you look like in public, you probably don’t want to do much to change your anatomy. That’s likely to make you feel worse, if anything. You should look into shaping garments, prostheses, and makeup. Then, when you’re alone, you can take it all off. If you’d like to change your body even if you were all alone and no one could see it, then you should think about hormones and surgery. Not altogether, though! Think of each potential step separately, and consider it independent of everything else. If you’d like only part of it, that’s usually possible! A lot of people have undergone modified hormone regimens, and more are being designed all the time. Surgeries usually have a lot of potential variation, too! There’s actually a pretty long history of people who identify with their agab getting HRT and/or surgery, so you can do this even if you’re pretty sure you identify with your assigned gender - you would just need to find doctors who are supportive of patient choice above gatekeeping. Many nonbinary people also get HRT/surgery. Many nonbinary people don’t, and many binary trans people also don’t. Don’t worry about how it reflects on your identity, just ask yourself whether you’d like to change your body, and if so, how.

What flags do I like? What words sound good to me?

Just look around. If there are words that call to you, even if you’re not sure how you feel about their definitions, go ahead and use them for a while. You can try telling a few of your friends. You don’t have to tell anyone at all. Just try on the words, and if you like them, keep them. If you don’t, find new ones. If you change your mind later, go ahead and pick new terms! You can keep them as long as you want, or change them as often as you want. And you can definitely pick more than one! Same goes for flags. Shop around and see which ones you like best, even if they don’t seem to fit your identity. You can get stickers or make little drawing on sticky notes and keep them around you while you’re deciding, if you want - some of them will probably start to make you happier or mean more to you than others. And you can have as many as you want!

How do I want to dress?

This might be a different question in different circumstances. Maybe you want to wear things at home totally unlike what you wear in public, or wear things with some friends and not others. This will be different for everyone. Many people don’t feel comfortable wearing different clothing to work, even when they’re very sure they’re trans, for example. Ask whether you want to wear ‘men’s clothing’ or ‘women’s clothing’, or things that are considered masculine or feminine. Many cis people wear gender non-conforming clothes, and so do many binary trans people. Nonbinary people often have strongly gendered presentations. And almost everybody wears something androgynous at least some of the time. This is likely to change over time and in different circumstances, too. For some people this is totally unrelated to their gender. For other people, this is an important factor in their gender, both because presentation can influence how you feel about your gender, and because your relationship to your gender can influence how you want to present. It’s not necessary for you to figure out your gender before you figure out how you want to dress, and for you personally, it might not be important at all. In any case, figuring out what clothing and accessories you like and what makes you feel good will help you be happier and more at home with yourself, regardless of your gender.

What groups make me feel most accepted? Where do I feel like myself?

If you spend time in different community spaces, some of them will seem to speak more to your experience than others. Some of them will seem more welcoming. Some of them will feel like you’re just playing along, others will seem more authentic. This isn’t foolproof by any means, because lots of communities don’t resonate with people for reasons unrelated to gender, and sometimes there are just mean people around. But these kinds of feelings can sometimes tell you what direction to look in to find your gender. Look for positivity and advice posts, too; some of them will feel like they’re addressed to you more than others. And remember, this can change over time! Sometimes quickly, especially in the case of genderfluid and genderflux people, but sometimes after many years. This might mean your identity changed, or your understanding of it changed, or just the way you most want to express it changed. Any of those is okay! If you feel confident in some identity, find a group that supports you in that identity, because groups all have different dynamics. Or, if you find a group you really relate to, try to find other groups with a similar feel if you’re still questioning. You can question for as long as you need to, and as many times as you need to. No harm in that, especially if your feelings changed.

Do I like the word ‘trans’?

Well, how do you feel about it? Do you feel happy when you think about it, does it make you smile? Or maybe you feel indifferent. Maybe you feel discordant thinking about that, like it’s off somehow. If any of the above questions seems to address your concerns, you definitely fall within the wider trans umbrella, the one that was originally invented to create solidarity around gender identity and presentation. So you can feel free to call yourself trans if you like it even a little bit. Or, if you dislike it, there’s no reason you have to call yourself trans. The label is there to help people, not put you in yet another box. If you don’t have much feeling about it either way, or you can’t tell how you feel, there’s no reason you have to decide. Think about the things that will make a difference in your day to day life, instead of getting hung up on a single word, no matter how much weight it might seem to carry socially. You can always decide later, and you can always change your mind.