#see why i'm so fucking tired all the time?! when you're not dealing with pests you're dealing with human pests

[zerablackwell]

Chapter 1: Crashing Reality Part 2

Awaking with a start, Zera covered her mouth to muffle her scream. Then she took a moment to try to calm herself, successfully doing so. Realizing she had been crying, Zera wiped her eyes with shaky hands. Her mind was foggy, disoriented, Zera looked from herself to her surroundings to find that she was in the same clothes from classes today and in confusion she looked around to see where she was.

Zera was in her room, she took a pained deep breath, her lungs feeling like they were on fire. Slowly regaining her composure, she took in the comfort of being in her own home. The white walls of her room reflected the sunset shining in through her large windows, her silver sheets slightly messy from her tossing and turning. She tried to think back to her nightmare but could not recall it for the life of her. The only thing that came to mind was amber eyes.

Shaking her head, she focused on her surroundings. Zera sensed her best friend's presence as well as Elijah's. However, she noticed there was someone else in the house, Zera dragged herself out of bed, smoothing out her school uniform. She then walked to the stairs; halfway down she could hear Azazel blowing up on, Zera assumed, his younger brother.

"You irresponsible, annoying little pest!" Azazel screeched at Seth, Zera quietly walked down the stairs, stopping at the door frame of the room. Carefully she peaked in, the supposed adults too busy arguing to notice her snooping. Just as Zera peered in, Azazel had punched Seth square in the jaw, throwing the younger on the floor who then spit out blood.

"Are you done?" Seth hissed angrily, eyes flashing crimson.

Azazel growled and pulled on his jacket to smooth it out, "Now. I am done." His lavender eyes were once again that ice cold blue.

"Good." Seth stood as he wiped the blood from his mouth, "She has a right to know, she isn't a child anymore Azazel." Seth then picked himself up, only a couple inches shorter than his older brother.

"She is my daughter and I will decide when and if she needs to know anything about those-those-" Azazel growled and took a deep breath. "Seth, I am trying very hard to keep my calm."

"She is my niece, and she wants to know everything you are hiding from her. I see it every day, she's constantly distracted, and I've been watching how she behaves towards others."

"Yes, I can see how she speaks to Elijah. We are working on that, but she is none of your concern."

Family is my concern Azazel, you can't keep shutting me out." Seth pleaded, "I just want her to know who she is, where she comes from! She deserves to know!"

"You're playing the same tune Seth, it's getting old. You don't care, you only care about yourself, not the well-being of others. Even if you did, you are only her uncle, I am her father. Her welfare is my responsibility not yours." After this, Azazel began to speak in a foreign tongue, one Zera did not recognize.

They continued to argue in this strange language she had never heard before, and Zera let it continue for a good several minutes before she had enough. Zera walked in and stayed in the doorway, "Father, Seth."

"Zera, you should not be up and about, you need to rest." Azazel huffed as he walked to his daughter who did not budge from the doorway.

"I feel fine, what language was that you were speaking in?" She crossed her arms over her chest, leaning on the door frame.

"Don't fret," Azazel began, but Seth continued.

"Your family's native tongue, the language of angels, it is called Veraiyaka."

She stared blankly at the two, "Why do you know it? You were born a demon, weren't you?" Zera directly asked Seth who merely chuckled.

"I was, but the demon's language wasn't used in heaven. I only ever knew my father's language, I never truly knew my mother's heritage." Seth explained patiently, a hint of delight in his eyes.

Zera nodded slightly, "So they tried to erase your heritage?"

Azazel snickered and hid his mouth with his hand while Seth stayed quiet, a frown growing on his face. He stuttered before clearing his throat to answer, "N-no, no they didn't. Father just..." Seth's voice trailed off, uncertainty in his eyes as the gears seemed to turn in his mind.

"Father just what little brother?" Azazel pressed, smirking deviously. "Why was it that you only knew Veraiyaka? Why you never met Lilith? Why was I the one who had to teach you Raiwadahkre? Or even how to tame your hunger?"

Seth visibly tensed up, "Father was always busy Azazel, you know this. Besides, none of them were familiar with the demons' culture."

"You have always made excuses for him, for the love of- just open your damn eyes Seth!" Azazel snapped, throwing his hands in the air, exasperated.

The green-eyed male began to tear up, clearly trying to calm himself. Zera found the whole interaction between the brothers' confusion and irritating. Azazel wasn't letting up on his little brother, and Seth was just an emotional wreck waiting to explode. She wasn't sure how to keep his walls from crumbling and didn't know how to diffuse the situation. Zera was more comfortable escalating but didn't want to deal with the consequences of doing so.

"Azazel..." Seth's voice was soft and wavered a touch, "Brother, why do you do this? I just want us all together. To put the past behind and start fresh... What is so wrong about doing that"

Azazel's face was void of expression as he spoke in a calm and even tone, "My wife is dead." His eyes turning from lavender to ice cold blue, at this Seth had frozen up. "Mrai sharaiz pehtekwarya Seth."

"May I remind you both that I do not speak that gibberish." Zera chimed in, tapping her foot on the ground impatiently.

Seth cleared his throat, looking from Zera to Azazel, "Should I translate or you?"

Azazel hissed at Seth, "I merely told him I protect my own."

"How truthful was he being there?" Zera asked her uncle who seemed pleased by his answer.

"For the most part, accurate translation."

Zera watched them for a long while before she was satisfied, "Fine, now why don't we keep to English? I'd prefer you to be straightforward. If you hide things from me, I promise I will find out the truth."

"There is nothing to discuss Zera." Azazel shook his head, his lavender eyes showing now tired he was. It was a strange sight for Zera, seeing her father this vulnerable. "Seth was just on his way out, right little brother?"

Seth stared at Azazel for a long while, when Zera was about to say something he spoke up, "No. I'm not leaving, I want to talk, I want to just work things out."

The older male glared, "I'm not talking anymore." With that in Azazel's place was Elijah.

Elijah took his jacket off and set it down on the couch, glaring at his alter's brother. "Seth."

"Bro-"

"I. Am not your brother Seth, Azazel is. Not me." He pointed a finger at Seth, "Now, Azazel does not want you here. Zera is not ready to hear whatever it is you have to say, respect her father's wishes."

"I don't believe you are the one to determine that Elijah." Zera hissed at her guardian, who took a step back. "Not you and not Father. The both of you are withholding information from me, cheating me out of my humanity."

Elijah tensed, Seth stared at them in disbelief, "I'm sorry, they what?"

"I made a deal with Father and Elijah to help me get revenge on my adoptive father and figure out my origins." Zera explained, her eyes never leaving Elijah. "Supposedly, the contract was completed long ago. However, with everything you've informed me with now it appears that I have been deceived. Although, what should I have expected from a pair of demons?"

"So Azazel and Elijah..." He turned to the white-haired male. "You two took her humanity?" Seth's shoulders slumped, "What the fuck were you thinking?"

"I don't believe that is your place." Elijah huffed, visibly uneasy.

"I'm really wondering what kind of parenting you are doing, I can not believe you!" Seth screeched, he looked at Zera, then back at Elijah. "What would Marnie think of this?"

"She doesn't agree either, but it's all done. Nothing changes what has passed. However, we can attempt to amend those mistakes by telling me the information that I am due." Zera snarled at Elijah.

"Okay we need a breather, need to take a break." Seth stood between the two, he looked at Elijah. "You and Azazel need to stop and look at this whole mess." He then looked at Zera, "You need to think about the way you go about things."

"We are done here, really. Seth. Leave." Elijah demanded, for the first time, Elijah seemed visibly shaken.

"I'll leave, as soon as you two take some time to cool down. Elijah you have to see that this is not healthy and not good for any of you." Seth put a hand on Elijah's shoulder, Zera watched as for the first time Elijah looked completely helpless. It was an unnerving sight, one she did not like. "Elijah really look at this, look where you guys are. Marnie never wanted this, she never wanted you and Azazel to do all this."

Elijah glared, "Don't. Don't use her name. Do not dare. You have no right to use her name."

"Elijah, you're overreacting, Mother is dead, she has been for over a hundred years. It is long past time to move on." Zera huffed loudly, "Mother, I'm sure, is turning over in her grave listening to you both."

"Young lady, watch your tone." Elijah was shaking.

"She was human, humans die. They live short lives, she was going to die no matter what." Zera snapped, "Why are you lashing out at him for talking about her?"

"She is dead because of them!" Elijah began to raise his voice, then covered his mouth.

"What do you mean?" Zera eyed him closely, growling. "John told me she died from giving birth to me, if there is anyone you should blame for her death it is me. Just as John did. Unless there is something you are not telling me."

Seth was at a loss for words, before he could say anything Elijah spat in Raiwadahkre, "Karwajeh chesah ena, tahkreth chesah cha."

"Rai jehkar Elijah." Seth sneered, causing Zera to almost explode.

"What is he lying about then? How did she die?" She screamed at them.

Elijah shook his head, "No." He stood his ground, though Zera could see just one push and he could topple, "Seth...I am begging you..." His eyes watered even as he tried to keep his expression firm, "I am begging you to leave."

There was a long pause between the three parties, a long time passed before Seth broke the silence. "Fine, I'll go. I'll leave for now, but I will not give up on this family." He turned and faced Zera, "I'll see you in school, and I do expect you to do the homework, no excuses."

Before Zera could respond, Seth vanished and she groaned loudly, "I hate

"Zera..." Elijah began, but his voice trailed off.

"Elijah, for the time being, I want nothing to do with you or with Father." She then turned and walked off, leaving Elijah in stunned silence.

Zera made her way over to the backyard, closing the door behind her. She took a deep breath and sat down on the stone steps.

Birds sang in the trees at the edge of the yard, the breeze was light and warm. Sun beamed down on Zera's pale skin and she closed her eyes, taking in the surroundings. With each deep breath, Zera could feel the overwhelming negative emotions slowly subside. The peace did not last long, her thoughts found their way back to Elijah and her father's betrayal. Growling, shadows began to surround her, and a familiar voice chimed in her ear, "Child, if you dwell on this, you'll give them power. Clear you mind in order to keep your eye on the prize."

Looking around, Zera did not see who the voice belonged to, "Who was that?"

"I'm hurt, you've forgotten me already? When you come to me for assistance in finding the truth behind your father's web of lies?" Listening to the disembodied voice, Zera felt a sense of relief overcome.

It seemed like a light bulb went off in Zera, "Luz."

"Correct." He cooed, and it felt like he was practically breathing against her ear, "You did so well with your father and your uncle."

"It wasn't enough." She grumbled, crossing her arms over her chest, angrily glaring at the grass. The shadows once surrounding her began to recede back into her being and appeared to vanish from sight.

"Give yourself a little more credit, you gained quite a bit of information. Now you need to pull back just a touch, if you dig too deep too fast, then you will set yourself back ten steps." The voice acknowledged and reassured her, Zera let out an irritated sigh. "I understand how difficult it is to be patient, but you must wait. Bide your time then you can get a bigger payout little one."

Zera thought it over for a long moment, "Fine. What plan do you have Luz?"

"The goal is to get you the history that you have been denied, to retrieve the full story we must find Madeline. In order to find Madeline, we must get you into Heaven's record room. That may have hints towards her last known location, considering they do so love to keep tabs on everyone. Only one slight problem."

She sighed, "And pray tell what that problem might be?"

"We need to get you past Archangel Metatron, the scribe of Heaven. He will be guarding it closely; however, if we get past him, we can find the key to answering your mysterious family history."

Zera mulled this information over for a long while before nodding slowly, she had already killed an angel, how much more difficult would an archangel be? "Very well, how do we get into Heaven?"

[allsystemsarenotgo]

I fucked up good again (I hate myself today)

https://youtu.be/CduA0TULnow - Oops, I did it again (Britney Spears)

https://youtu.be/gH476CxJxfg - Bad Day (Daniel Powter)

https://youtu.be/AmIlUKo4dQc - My Favorite Mistake (Cheryl Crow)

https://youtu.be/Ckom3gf57Yw - The Unforgiven (Metallica)

https://youtu.be/eKcIedFBiVU - Little One (Highly Suspect)

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Give me some time to cool down from writing all this shit out...I'll be fine. I don't want professional fucking help....I've gone through that shit before and can't afford that shit now. Last time I had to deal with professions it got really fucking ugly between the 2 people that card me in. Just let me do my thing while you read and acknowledge everything my poor thumbs have written out of my heart and brain over the last 2 hours. All this has been needing out. Kapísh? Kapísh.

-----

Help, I have done it again

I have been here many times before

I hate myself again today

And the worst part is there's no one else to blame

Be my friend, hold me

Wrap me up, unfold me

I am small, I'm needy

Warm me up and breathe me

Ouch, I have lost myself again

Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found

Yeah, I think that I might break

Lost myself again

-----

I'm cornered in fire so break out the secrets

I hope you know that you were worth it all along

I'm tired, you're angry, and everyone looks blurry

I love you, I'm hurting; so long

Hey, little one

I'm so scared of what this could have been

I know that today I lost my only friend

-----

I fucked up good, I hate myself again today, and I'm not sure I can feel anymore.

I am an honest person and sometimes that is the worst thing about me.

I try to protect others by being honest. Sometimes, it seems like I'm better off not saying anything at all. All I ever do is cause fights and other problems. Why do I even have friends? What use are they to me if I can't even be honest with them.

But I am the problem.

I spent some time last night reading through old messages between crushes and I (among other conversations). All it did is remind me of how many opportunities I have missed, how many simple things my dumbass has missed or fucked up over the years, and how much of an asshole I can be to people when I'm not okay.

Nobody is willing to be patient with me. Nobody is willing to stop and listen what I have to say. I'm just over here in an obscure, dark corner flapping my arms and mouth like some crazy rooster addicted to crack cocaine going through withdrawals, and nobody sees me.

I try to control my rage. I try to control my anger. I try to put on a pretty face.

But fuck all that. Nobody seems to give a flying fucking damn. I'm just a fucking inconvenience. A fucking burden. A fucking pest. A fucking bag of fucking bones that would better serve a landfill on so many days.

I hate my fucking self.

I try to be honest and explain myself and all it does it get me pushed away and told to fuck off.

I don't know how many fucking crushes I have had. The list reads off like motherfucking Santa's fucking reindeer.

There was Sandy and Brooke and Kenzie and Nellie and Ali, Jeiny and Lorin and Angie and Rissa, Nessa and Kayla and Taryn and Skye and Emily, but do you know the most famous crush of them alllllll?

Friendzone, meet the Friendzone

It's the most fucked up entityyyy

From the core of hell

It rips the heart right out of meeee

Let's ride the roller coaster

Through the courtesy of deliveryyyy

When you're in the Friendzone

You'll have a fuck you time, a fuck you time

You'll have a fucking cryyyyyyy

I swear the friendzone never goes away. All I do is bounce from person to fucking person developing feelings THAT HALF THE TIME SHOULDNT FUCKING BE THERE ANYWAYS then getting turned down like a plate of fucking boiled cabbage and microwaved broccoli.

It's not your fault that you are smart and cute and have a fantastic personality. It's my fucking fault for being a piece of shit that fucking locks on to whatever the fuck I see and for the life of me can't fucking let go, even when it's right fucking obviously in front of my fucking face. WHY THE FUCK AM I SUCH A DUMB FUCKING ASSHOLE? WHY DO I GET TO DO ALL THE GOTDAMN STUPID BULLSHIT THAT MAKES ME LOOK LIKE AN ASS?

I'm tired of this bullshit. I'm ready to just fucking give up. I'm a worthless piece of shitty work.

All I want to do is beat my head against the fucking wall until something gives.

All I want is to have friends that give a flying fuck and at least pretend to be engaged and actually care about me.

I've had all of two fucking people ask me if I was okay this week. No, I'm not fucking okay, thank you for asking. But not either of them could understand what the fuck I was spewing out while trying to explain how I felt. Well fuck, what am I supposed to do?

Shit makes sense in my head all the fucking time. But oh hell the fuck no, please don't actually expect anything from my head to make any kind of fucking sense to a neurotypical. No, your whole fucking world is a completely different universe to this fucked up jalopy I am riding through.

So you know what, just fuck it all. I want off this fucking roller coaster. Park this motherfucker right in the middle of the gotdamn loop so that I can undo my seatbelt and plummet down below.

Now congratulations on making it to the end of this loose rocker diatribe of an asshole. Maybe you should let me know you actually care, or something, for a change. Because holy shit do I feel lonely right now.