#see whereas R is the kind of guy to show up to any party with an acoustic guitar and WILL play it even if you don't ask

[fruity-pontmercy]

Modern AU Feuilly would play the banjo send post.

[lynxgriffin]

DELTARUNE Chapter 2 Thoughts!!!

WOOO OKAY I stayed up WAY too late trying to finish Deltarune Chapter 2 last night!! It took me awhile because I suck at video games, but I finally did it!

While I normally type up commentary as I play first time, I didn’t get the chance to do that here, so I’ll get down all my general thoughts here!

Unspoilery thoughts: loved it, knew I would, will need to replay soon to see what all I missed, and am excited for whatever’s next!

SPOILERS FOR CHAPTER 2 under the cut!!

(These are just as I think of them, not in any particular order!)

Okay overall I can see why this took two years and a much larger team to complete, the second chapter is SO much more expansive and heavy on scene-specific animations! It all looks SO GOOD

I already love Susie but now I love her even more, her expressions were SO GOOD

Susie has a (little nubby) tail confirmed?? That’s adorable

Okay this game is definitely reading the chapter 1 data, which I find interesting because I didn’t obtain it through Steam last time

But like, I gave the “Susie eats chalk” response to Noelle last time, and in chapter two she gave Susie the box of chalk, so awwww!

Also I missed Onionsan in my initial computer playthrough, so they didn’t show up this time, just got a moment of Susie and Kris sitting by the river together!

I find it REALLY interesting that while Ralsei is a Darkner, apparently he can jump around to other Dark Worlds whereas other Darkners like Lancer and Rouxls can’t so much…hmmm!

It was so nice to see everyone filling out the town now, though!

Noooo Susie probably doesn’t have her own room at home, awwww

Kris just casually jumping up to the classroom and bringing everyone back tho, perfect

Was right on there being multiple dark worlds in other locations, but honestly that part’s the least surprising to me, that always seemed like a pretty standard path to take!

The werewires were creepy and great; difficult to battle tho

QUEEN IS MY NEW FAVORITE

EVERY LINE OF HERS WAS A+

I’m so glad that I didn’t really go anywhere with Jevil’s line about the Queen in PT; nothing I came up with could’ve topped Queen being an absolute acid trip of an antagonist in this chapter

NOELLE SO SWEET

Her lil’ robot disguise! Her being afraid of mice at first!

I kinda wish we could have had her in the party more? She was super useful as a party member, honestly!

But sadly I guess we’re not gonna get more than the three-person party, awww

B E R D L Y

I cannot believe Berdly basically became incel Falco but also had a sympathetic backstory

Like I laughed a lot at all of Berdly’s expressions and dialogue while also going BERDLY YOU ARE THE WORST

Noelle’s WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? part = A+

I feel like Queen’s relationship with Noelle definitely had some uncomfy parallels with probably how she is dealing with her real mom

I AM NOT GOOD AT PUNCH-OUT AND THERE WAS A LOT OF THAT

I somehow missed the part where Susie is wearing Ralsei’s glasses??? Where is this

Also in general there was a LOT of puzzles and gameplay in the overworld map, which I was bad at but was also very cool

KRIS GET THE BANANA

The dolphin pop-up ads…

I DID NOT LIKE THE SPAMTON GUY

DISCOMFORT THE WHOLE TIME

Apparently he’s also the secret boss for this chapter?? That’s at least if the soundtrack is anything to go by. Maybe I’ll go back and try it on another playthrough, but aaaaagggghhhg

SO MANY GOOD SUSELLE MOMENTS

MY LIL SHIPPER HEART HAS A NICE SERVING AND WANTS MORE

The whole deal with the ferris wheel conversation and just awwwwuuuuuuh

Needs more Susiezilla now too (I picked the “something romantic” option because of course)

MORE PLZ, LET’S DIG DEEPER HERE

Also I cannot believe Susie has (at least) two people crushing on her and is just totally oblivious to it

There’s SO Many interesting HMM moments with Kris and that definitely included the entire acid tunnel of love scene with Kris and Ralsei

Interrupted of course by an appropriately silly Rouxls battle

But man the more we see (or often DON’T see) of Ralsei the more intriguing it gets

LET NOELLE RIDE IN THE TEACUP RIDE WITH SUSIE

I just knew going back to get that chest without Noelle would be something dumb

OKAY I ended up dying a lot to 1) the Mauswheel, and 2) the color-changing butlers?? So I ended up having to do the whole sequence with annoying dog blasting through everything in his path multiple times

I DID feel bad for Berdly during that boss battle where he was werewired; that was nice and body horror-ish

That said… “I NEED A KISS FROM A GAMER GIRL”

The giant mecha boss battle absolutely kicked my ass, though

Like it WAS badass but that took me a LOT of tries to get through

My thrash machine was very GUN’S

Overall the difficulty curve was definitely stepped up from chapter 1!

LOTS MORE DARK WORLD AND KNIGHT LORE FROM RALSEI HERE

And lots of talk about Noelle being pretty important to it, too!

I’m glad I got to bring Susie on the walkaround this time around town!

I AM GOING TO BE YOUR WACKY ROOMMATE NOW

King and Queen’s entire conversation was so hilarious

King just slides over to suck on that sweet, sweet giant hamster water bottle

BUNKER STILL BEIN SUSPICIOUS

Aww the pizzeria is not a creepy mascot Chuck-E-Cheese’s style, tho

Confirmation that Gerson was Alvin’s father! And I feel like there’s a lot we’re missing there, too

Still not allowed to see Papyrus���

Catti’s parents…

I wasn’t expecting this at all, but it feels like they may be introducing way more Lightners to the Dark World with each chapter, since both Noelle and Berdly ended up there?

And if that’s the case, I feel like it’s hinting that Catti and/or Jockington may be next

SUSIE STAYING AT KRIS’S PLACE FOR A SLEEPOVER WAS SO SWEET

IMMEDIATELY UNDERCUT BY KRIS GOING FERAL AGAIN

Like I dunno the whole scenario somehow managed to be both REALLY sinister and very funny at once??

Susie and Toriel are busy laughing and making a pie together, meanwhile Kris just sneaks the hell out and slashes Toriel’s tires because it’s KNIVES OUT TIME

Please let Susie watch more giant monster (and giant human) movies with her friends, she needs this

THAT SAID, THAT ENDING

HMM HMM HMMMMMMMMMM

SO THIS SEEMS TO BE INDICATING THAT KRIS IS THE KNIGHT

Which like…is in fact making SOME KIND OF SENSE in my head overall, but I definitely need more context to see how exactly

Like I’m all “THIS FEELS RIGHT BUT I DON’T KNOW WHY, I NEED MOOOORE”

Considering Ralsei’s reaction to Noelle and Berdly trying to make a new fountain, this definitely seems to be setting up some kind of future confrontation between Kris and Ralsei, which! HMMMM

I THINK IT’S TIME FOR THIS GIF AGAIN

Basically I HAD A GRAND TIME, I NEED TO REPLAY, EXCITED FOR THE REST WHENEVER IT COMES

[reversecreek]

hi it’s me... clicks across the linoleum of the dash wearing high heels w a spray tan like i’m a member of jersey shore suddenly..... best summary of willa is that she got moira rose as her #1 chara on a What Character Are You Most Like personality test out of thousands of options.... says so much. u can find her pinterest here n her playlist here 😋 like this or hmu fr plots!!

* ashley moore, cis female + she/her  | you know willa deneurve, right? they’re twenty-four, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, most of her life, on and off? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to watch me by the pom poms like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole sticking gold stars over old polaroids until you can barely see faces, dressing as marie antoinette at your high school prom & delivering fake laughter to a bratz doll you’re pretending is a talkshow host thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is august 1st, so they’re a leo, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( nai, 24, gmt, she/her )

HISTORY:

willa ws born to honestly like….. the perfect family not to honk my own tit bt……………. they were jst rly quite wholesome. her mum celeste was this larger than life person who could never b contained by the four walls of any room she was in. she hd the presence of a gold glitter chess piece on an otherwise mundane wooden board. her dad marlon used to always joke that he had absolutely NO idea how he landed her bc he was just this like. rly average guy by all accounts n purposes….. blended into the sea in high skl……. had a few close friends but was never rly Notable or made a proper impression anywhere…… he always retold it as him coasting thru life until he met her in college. kind of like he’d been half awake before. they just Clicked n no-one cld believe she’d chosen him bt she was jst. completely head over heels n didn’t care what anyone had to say bc that was That

willa always very much took after celeste…… there’s this one quote i remember reading that goes vaguely like “my mom and i would sit and listen to leonard cohen and joni mitchell lyrics together. from a young age i remember her being like "i’m playing this song and when it’s done i want u to tell me what’s happening in it” n she would give me a fake glass of wine when i was 8 and i would listen and b like. i think there was an affair.” which so much summarises their dynamic…… she ws just so like. dramatic n fun n always encouraged that in willa too. her mum was like. everything she aspired to be…… got scouted by a modelling agency in college n shot one campaign before blowing it off simply bc she was bored. starred lead in a play. spent a few weeks travelling asia selling handmade candles shaped like koi fish or curled up foxes or elegantly stretched hands. dated a parisian movie star during a break she and her father took n was featured in tabloids on his arm at the premiere. sm fun n exotic stories willa literally cldn’t get enough. whenever she’d tell them to willa as a kid her dad wld roll his eyes like ohhhhh here she goes again but it’d all b playful n he’d smile bc he honestly cldn’t get enough either. the stuff dreams are made of luv (lizzie mcguire stans rise)

(car accident & death tw) so u know when ur walking down a flight of stairs n then out of nowhere u miss a step n u get that lurch in ur stomach like ur in free fall? yeah. i won’t go into it too much but one night they were driving back from getting frozen yogurt and then suddenly they weren’t. she doesn’t rly remember much about it except for completely ignoring the doctors trying to give her the news and just saying “dad chose pecan. who chooses pecan?” n repeating that over n over n over until it didn’t rly register in her ears as english any more.

willa was uprooted from irving at 11 to go n live w her aunt in NY. this was like. a huge adjustment honestly….. her aunt blanche hd always been a little unconventional bt extremely glamorous. she lived in an old defunct theatre she’d bought out n came from a lot of money. willa’s mum’s side of the family hd always been well off bt celeste opted to live a little more Ordinarily shall we say after settling whereas blanche ws jst balls to the walls dripping w eccentric excess…. wld say she was never naked bc she ws always wearing black opium by yves saint laurent…… probably the living embodiment of la vie boheme….. she’d been admitted a yr early to a rly prestigious parisian design school n is an AMAZING seamstress. a corset she stitched a broadway star into got commissioned fr an actress’ red carpet walk at an indie film festival. rly just lived such a life rich w lots of stories n lots of talent too…… had that star quality essence tht her mum had n that was smthn willa found quite comforting everything considered.

(grief tw) u would think maybe a situation like this (one involving so much sudden change) wld cause a kid of tht age to withdraw into her shell bt willa only came out of her shell MORE. she coped w her situation by spinning it into a celebrity origin story inside her head. the tear jerker tale someone tells during their x factor audition to get the judges rooting for them. mentally streamlining things. repackaging all that hurt as a surefire ticket to success bc it had to be useful for something right? there had to b a point to it right? willa decided the point was she’s a star. KFHSGKFHGFKHGKJSFHG. get it girl….. she ws literally just like ok well clearly i’m destined to be famous n i’m the main character of this story. this story called earth. it’s all about me.

rly heavily immersed herself in her high skl theatre scene……. loved experimenting w fashion n literally wore the most outlandish things like. she treated the hallways like her milan f/w debut every new school yr…… a lot of the things she wore were actual like. costumes frm her aunt’s collection…… she has a multi-story closet u have to climb ladders to reach things in like a very rustic library…. it rly wasn’t uncommon for willa to turn up one day corsetted like a pirate with billowing sleeves or sporting the baby blue gingham of a swedish milk maid. it’s like she literally jst…… became a role. always. every day. the world ws her stage. the cameras were always rolling. her aunt only encouraged this tbh n honestly? icon. we love to see it. willa partied a bunch n rly lived a lax lifestyle where responsibility was concerned…. her aunt ws her best friend…… made rly gd friends with performers in the drag club scene n loved the glitz of that….. lots of wild nights turned grossly bright mornings

snagged an agent fresh into her first yr of college (she gt accepted to a pretty competitive theatre program at [redacted] in NY bc i haven’t looked into what that wld be yet <3 i’m merely a helpless british lass <3) n booked a few commercials n things….. when i say willa wld enter audition rooms like she owned the place i’m rly not exaggerating…. once she turned up to a casting call for MEN n just walked right to the front of the line scraping a random chair along the way n then took a seat w her legs crossed popping a bubble in her gum as they all glared at her like wtf is literally going on who are u. she received several complaints n she was just like “ur all acting so jealous of me….”

i feel like she got a pretty big role in a theatre production in her last yr at school. haven’t decided what yet. maybe smthn rocky horror or even mimi in rent. this was meant to b some like huge moment for willa like yes girl finally making it ur on ur way this is what u wanted n she WAS happy abt it but once it was wrapped she jst had this strange like Huh feeling in her chest……. n a la celeste w all her exciting stories was just like well i’ve done that so what’s next? i think she’d graduate n then jst suddenly decide to move to irving in a fit of impulse. to all her college friends she’d be like “ugh a beach retreat is so necessary honestly the city is sooooooooo toxic this place cld literally enlarge my pores if i wasn’t so rigorous with my skincare routine” bt like 🤔 what u seeking girl? results pending.

SO basically i feel like she finally moved back to irving little over a yr ago. she hd a brief stint starring on a reality tv show tht filmed in one of the larger beach houses where her dog gained a handful of fan accounts dedicated to him……. u maybe will see why in the first bullet point of her personality section………… FKGHKSHFGGKFSHKHG. honestly she ws received pretty well too (mostly bc she’s so fking dramatic n like a caricature of a person) bt it wasn’t anything to warrant actual Fame (despite what willa herself might think). she’s mostly jst like. chilling honestly. accepting scripts n flying out fr auditions still. she’ll nab the occasional part bt she’s looking for that One Thing that rly feels like her big moment….. otherwise i cn just imagine her treating irving like a little dollhouse compared to the roaring mansion of NYC n having fun playing around in it. strikes a pose w a hand on my hip…. and now to personality.

PERSONALITY:

got a very large n lithe greyhound n named him marlene dietrich bc she was a black n white hollywood starlet famously known for her affairs n “bedroom eyes”. willa was like ugh. icon status instantly. didn’t rly foresee the responsibilities tht came w owning a dog tht loves exercise n complains abt him being like “ugh he wants to run soooooooooo much 🙄 like where are u literally going”. having said tht loves him dearly n he can often be seen wearing little clothes. a baby’s bonnet. a quilted leather waistcoat. a custom dog boa. he’s very glamorous. willa calls him a gay icon despite no evidence to support this theory. she also says he can sniff out evil in ppl so she brings him sometimes when she’s first introduced to a friend’s new bf n if his nose quivers a certain way she’s like “marlene has spoken. it’s done”. her friends r like omg? what’s done? willa gets up n walks away without elaborating. marlene’s little paws clicking along the floor w attitude.

literally dressed as marie antoinette for her high skl prom even tho there was no theme pertaining to this. jst loves the spotlight. can fake cry and WILL to get out of a parking ticket or teach someone to watch their tone or even simply for the theatrics of it all. the Most dramatic………….. rly fits being an actress like when people find out what she does it’s very like oh that makes sense.

says she doesn’t get hangovers. she’s just like “i revoked that it doesn’t happen to me”. alludes tht this is bc she’s an all powerful deity that was Chosen to be Blessed bt really she’s jst great at bouncing back n acting fine even w a blistering headache. it’s about believing the performance so much that u even convince urself.

has an extremely elevated sense of self importance bc this is kind of the equivalent of several layers of bubble wrap to cushion her frm the world. strives to b extraordinary bc ordinary honestly feels like a death sentence n there’s nothing she’d want to b seen as less. despite this weight she puts on that she rly doesn’t tend to let ppl’s opinions affect fr the most part like she’s quite firmly set in this I’m Literally The Most Gorgeous And Beautiful Angel Star Creature To Walk This Narsty Little Earth view

probably an incredibly big fan of dramatic short lived love affairs. she wants the glamour of it all. the scandal. the randomly breaking up w someone in a public place n sliding on sunglasses after delivering the words over a freshly ordered coffee (tht she’ll leave without drinking bc that’s star power babey she waits fr no man or no hot beverage)…….. has no preference gets w any n all regardless of gender……… romanticises things so they hv a better spin or story in her head n doesn’t rly take things seriously like jst has fun in her fantasy world…. she’s like ugh chuck i know u wanted to marry me but i’m a beautiful bird in a cage n u literally need to undo the latch n set me free……. the guy’s like……. my name’s chase n we’ve only been on two dates….. willa’s like…… please don’t take this so hard i can tell ur besides urself but people r starting to stare……. gets up n leaves. no-one was staring. chase is confused n honestly probably semi concerned fr her welfare.

always has to b the hottest n most glamorous person in a grocery store…. probably goes to them when she doesn’t even need anything jst holding a basket nonchalantly over her forearm glancing over at a cashier in her wizard of oz corset seamed interpretation on a dorothy dress thinking he wants me soooo bad it’s not even funny….. seduces him over the check out counter jst for him to ask her to come back to his so she can lean back scandalised n cry “IS THAT THE KIND OF WOMAN U THINK I AM, PAUL?! YOU’RE A GHASTLY LITTLE MAN, YOU ARE….” with all the gusto of a telenovela. attracts the shocked glances of all surrounding elderly.

speaks fluent french. probably on her brief stint on tht reality show i mentioned earlier was like “ugh can you believe Deneurve of this guy?” n in her head was like this catchphrase is sensational it’ll catch on fast the twittersphere is abt to implode but it didn’t become a thing except for in a small isolated community. despite this she’s like “yeah it went viral….. go figure. just another day in the life.”

honestly like a lot of fun bt also a huge handful at the same time. keeps her real Serious emotions in a locked box bt is always overflowing w melodramatics n rly giving her all at the drop of a hat where Performing is concerned. probably Loves parties n sees them as another form of production in which she wants to b the lead. rly just. loves herself. except does she? 🤔 lifts my hand up like rihanna n winks. find out next time. lucky by britney plays as i slowly disintegrate in spiderman rp…..

WANTED CONNECTIONS

unrequited flame: willa burns thru people like matches. bright n fast. honestly i feel like she struggles to take romance seriously so it cld be fun to play around with someone who’s been singed by that in the past…. mayb they hd actual feelings whereas willa was just messing around n having fun…. living la vida loca so to speak…….. we can discuss a time frame or specifics to expand upon this but. sexy angst perhaps.

those she knew from childhood: willa moved to NY at 11 n i feel like it was very sudden n soon after the accident. maybe she didn’t even say goodbye. maybe they were rly close n all of a sudden she didn’t show up to school the next day n when they rode past her house on their bike the sign said sold and that was that. honestly very dramatic of her even at a young age. we love a disappearing act. houdini who?

acting rival: honestly jst feel like this cld be funny. willa’s so dramatic she’d be like i literally want them dead they’re a despicable little gremlin fr trying to steal my spotlight. cld be as simple as having auditioned a few times fr the same parts or something.

childhood sweetheart: i think it cld be rly cute n sad if there was someone that kind of echoed the dynamic her mum n dad had except she was the celeste n they were the marlon…. (open to any gender)…….. so like. willa was always very larger than life commanding attention in a room n they were more to the sidelines but they just kind of got each other n brought out the best in one another. added angst to the fact tht willa wld maybe want to avoid them as much as possible now bc it dredges up feelings she doesn’t want to confront where her parents r concerned n also in a way any possibility of them winding up together feels like sellotaping an expiration date to both of their foreheads in willa’s brain

someone who was either a fan of or also on the reality show willa was: i imagine it like a reinvention of the hills honestly except based in these irving beach houses…. probably didn’t run that long bt there was a bunch of drama on it mostly staged…… maybe they were willa’s love interest bt it was all fake fr the cameras…… it wasn’t like. a huge deal n didn’t rly catch flight so much where popularity’s concerned bt. cld be fun to play with <3

patti frands: jogs in high knees to translate that into party friends as i adjust my spectacles. willa’s very sociable bt she’s also like kind of full of herself n obnoxious so do with that what u will. KFHGKSHGKGHFSKG. she knows hw to have a gd time tho like growing up she was rly into the gay club scene n the drag scene in NY so like. let’s hear it fr the gays who know how to do it right <3

someone equally over the top: i luv the idea of willa having someone who just like runs with made up scenarios n roles she makes up on the spot n them hanging out is like a 24/7 improv session tht they reel random surrounding strangers just fr the fun thrill

the other woman: willa is quite detached n selfish so she wld easily be the other woman in a relationship n not care about it n this cld make for good spice <3

[cake-writes]

Compromise (Part One)

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Chapter Warnings: Mom!Reader, Dad!Bucky, Ex-Relationship, Co-Parenting Drama, Angst, Fluff

Summary:  You didn’t want to trust him again, because every time you did, Bucky broke your heart just a little more. Deep down, though, you wanted to get along with him. You wanted to be amicable. You wanted your daughter to know her father. You’d always wanted that. It just required a compromise.

I really don’t need to be working on yet another WIP but here I am, like a clown!

It all started with some of the best sex you’d ever had in your life. You know the kind: rough and desperate. Needy. Passionate. The kind straight out of a romance novel, blazing hot and full of love. The kind that, even four years later, served as inspiration for your fantasies – even if you despised the man responsible.

No, that was a lie. You didn’t despise him. You just wished that you did.

It made your toes curl then, and the memory of it still did, even now. The only difference was that you used a toy. That was all you could do, because in between your job managing a small café and your three-year-old daughter’s care, you had zero time for dating. You were Winnie’s mother and primary caregiver, because of course you were. 

Her father was the Winter Soldier, after all.

The two of you split when Winnie was just thirteen months old. Unsurprisingly, the court didn’t give Bucky custody, not when so much of his past was bound by red tape. You knew that it wasn’t his fault, the things he’d done, but you were still surprised he’d gotten anything at all. Not only was Avenging a dangerous line of work, but it was the exact reason why you’d left.

He only got to see her once a month, with supervised visits – visits that were much harder on you than on your daughter, but you put on a brave face just for her. Maybe some small part of it was for yourself, too. You were still in love with him – or with the idea of him, you weren’t sure anymore, but the fact remained that he chose his work over his new family out of some misguided idea of making up for the awful things he’d done.

He chose Steve. He chose Sam. He chose his past over his present.

Not you.

The visits were difficult, but manageable – when he even managed to show up, of course. It was about fifty-fifty whether or not he’d show, usually because of work and he often tried to reschedule last minute, which you eventually started to refuse. You and Winnie had a set schedule, and you’d be damned if you deviated from it because of him and his neverending excuses.

You did try, once. You tried to work with him, tried to empathize – at least until he rescheduled three Saturdays in a row and Winnie’s poor little heart shattered to pieces. She was inconsolable for weeks, and needless to say, you stopped trying after that. He didn’t deserve it, not when he hurt your young daughter so easily.

Your usual meet-up place was the small park near your house. There wasn’t much else around, anyway, not like inner city Manhattan which you so desperately missed. You couldn’t afford to live there on your meagre barista salary, so you moved shortly after your trainwreck of a break-up. Moving caused an even bigger rift between you and Bucky, one only worsened by heated arguments and nasty words.

Upstate was where you moved, about three hours away from the city.

Upstate was where Bucky was living now, too, about fifteen minutes from your home.

He broke the news during an impromptu lunchtime visit to your café, one you especially did not appreciate due to the fact that he’d shown up at your workplace. It was almost like he’d known you wouldn’t be able to leave, as you so often did when he tried to talk to you about anything. You always put on a smile for your daughter when you dealt with him, but she wasn’t here and you had no reason to be nice.

The mug in front of you sat untouched as you stared down at the coffee within, delicate latte art slowly melting away while you processed what he’d just said. He was going to be just a few miles down the road at the new Avengers facility, and though he didn’t say it outright, the implication was enough: he could come here anytime he wanted to; could pick Winnie up from preschool anytime he wanted to; could see her anytime he wanted to, court order be damned.

You’d been reduced to nothing more than a barrier keeping him away from his daughter – your daughter – and it stung. Then again, that was what you’d become. That was what you’d been forced to become, because of him. 

A barrier. 

A bitch.

“I want to see her more,” he told you, but his cordial tone did nothing to hide the thinly-veiled threat. “It’s been years since the last agreement. Things are different now.”

Don’t make me get a lawyer was what he meant.

What’s worse was that you knew he was right. He’d been cleared of all charges, and although his work wasn’t exactly ideal for childrearing, he earned much more money than you did. Not only that, but with the compound right down the road, there was no way he’d be denied this time. If the two of you went back to court, he’d get joint custody. Fifty-fifty. Equal. You knew it, and he did, too. He was forcing your hand.

“You barely make it to your monthly visits as it is,” you responded evenly, though inside you were about ready to scream. “How are things different, Bucky?”

“I’m close by. We’re training more Avengers, so my hours are flexible. I’ve already talked to Steve.”

Why couldn’t he have talked to Steve two years ago?

“I can show you around the compound, if that’s what you want. It’s better than the tower.”

You remembered the tower. You hated the tower. It was no place to raise a child, what with all the missions and the parties and the late-night take-offs which constantly woke Winnie from her sleep. The one good thing it had going for it was the security.

Somehow, he’d remembered your gripes. You couldn’t decide if you should be flattered or not.

“I’ve even got a spare bedroom for her now, sweetheart. Can’t we make this work?”

“Don’t call me that,” you finally snapped, to which Bucky held his hands up in a show of surrender. He didn’t offer an apology, but then again, you didn’t want one. You didn’t want any of this.

Except maybe you did.

You chewed your lower lip, coffee now long forgotten in favour of worrying about the future. You didn’t want to trust him again, because every time you did, he broke your heart just a little more.

Deep down, though, you wanted to get along with him. You wanted to be amicable. You wanted your daughter to know her father. 

You’d always wanted that.

And if you didn’t, then the next step would be a lawyer. You didn’t have the time or the money for another custody battle, whereas Bucky had plenty of both and he certainly had no qualms about going down that route. This visit was just a last-ditch effort before he did.

“Fine,” you acquiesced through grit teeth, “but I want to see it first.”

“Yeah?” he asked, blue eyes wide with surprise.

For a moment, you were rendered speechless. God, you hadn’t seen him look at you like that in years. The last time probably would have been when you told him that you were pregnant with Winnie. 

Even now, you were still so weak for him. You always managed to stay strong for your daughter, but never for yourself. You missed him, and, well, it wasn’t like you had a choice in the matter either way.

“Yeah,” you repeated, reluctant and hollow.

That weekend, you found yourself staring up at the gates to the compound in awe through the windshield of your small beater. The compound was indeed much larger than the tower had been; you couldn’t see much from the road, but there was plenty of acreage. Plenty of room for Winnie to run around and play, almost, if it wasn’t practically a military base.

When you pushed a button, the CCTV camera came to life, whirring as it likely zoomed in your faces through the side windows of your car. “Ma’am, this is the Avengers Facility. You might have the wrong—”

You abruptly interrupted him with your name, followed by, “And this is Winnifred Barnes. B-A-R-N-E-S.”

There was a long pause, then, as the guy on the other end seemed to realize who you were. Then he had an immediate change of tone. “Oh, that’s— that’s today! Right! I’m so sorry, ma’am!”

Ugh. You weren’t old enough to be a ‘ma’am.’ 

Were you?

After the gate started to open, you slowly made your way up the long driveway, humming quietly to yourself to calm your nerves. That was when Winnie started to sing along with you, the same off-key tune that the two of you often sang together in the bathtub. She’d never been a fan of baths, so you used the song as a distraction. Now it was supposed to be your distraction, but it didn’t work very well.

You parked next to a small fleet of shiny black cars with tinted windows, feeling just as out of place now as you did when you and Bucky were dating. You’d always made coffee for a living, while he was… him. How you even managed to make it work for nearly two years was beyond you, as brief and fleeting as your whirlwind romance had been.

“Is Daddy here?” Winnie asked excitedly, peering out the windows at the large complex of buildings. Her breath fogged up the glass and you couldn’t help but laugh a little.

“Yes, baby,” you told her as you got out of the car and slung your purse over one shoulder, before you opened her car door. “Daddy’s here. We’ll see him soon.”

She bounced happily as you unbuckled her from her car seat, and then you hoisted her up onto one hip and shut the door with your free hand. After that, you slowly made your way up the steps to what you assumed was the main building.

Christ, this place was massive.

Just before you got to the top, the glass double doors up ahead were shoved open and there was Bucky in all his glory – tall and muscular, just like always, albeit almost out of breath. His hair was pulled back into a loose, messy bun, strands of hair framing his face in the familiar way you’d always loved, and the stubble on his face nearly made you swoon.

You hated that you were still attracted to him.  

“Sorry, we’re a little early,” you admitted, nodding to your daughter. “Someone wanted to see you.”

As if on cue, Winnie shouted, “Daddy!” and reached out for him with her little arms, making grabby hands in his direction. She was so eager that you might have dropped her once, but you were used to her excitement.

Bucky met your eyes for a moment with a note of appreciation before he turned to her. Then and only then did the corners of his eyes crinkle up in a genuine smile – one directed at your daughter, not at you, one not meant to keep up a charade like the two of you were wont to do. That was the only type of smile he offered you, and that hurt, too.

“How’s my best girl?” he cooed, peppering her face with noisy kisses.

She giggled and half-heartedly tried to push him away. “Daddy, no! It’s scratchy!” 

At that, he just rubbed his stubbly cheek against hers some more, lightly, not enough to hurt, and she squealed. He slid his hands under her arms with ease before he lifted her up and away from you, and although you knew he wasn’t being malicious, you always hated giving her up.

She just slung her tiny arms around his neck and buried her face in his shoulder. It had been awhile since she’d seen him – probably about two months, now, and you didn’t blame her. You’d missed him, too.

“How was the drive?” he asked you, holding Winnie against his side as the three of you made your way inside. With his free hand, he held open the glass door for you.

“It was a whole twelve minutes,” you responded dryly, more joking than not. Twelve minutes was much better than the nearly three-hour commute from when he was living in the city; not that you had to make it very often, as it was usually his responsibility. “Not too bad. Thanks.”

You weren’t really sure what you were thanking him for. The door, maybe.

Bucky paused to study your face for a moment, hesitant, before he quickly lifted Winnie up onto his shoulders, adorable peals of laughter escaping her. The ceilings were tall enough to offer plenty of leeway, and she’d always enjoyed being able to see things from such a high vantage point, especially someplace new like this. 

“I bet Auntie Nat will be so happy to see you, sweetpea,” you told her, more to fill the silence than anything else. Bucky sure looked like he wanted to say something to you. He had that same reluctant expression on his face, the very one that creased his brows and made your anxiety skyrocket.  

Thankfully, he seemed to understand that you weren’t willing to discuss whatever it was yet, and instead chimed in, “She’s waiting for us upstairs, princess. Do you wanna go see her?”

“Yeah!” Winnie sounded incredibly chipper as she gripped two handfuls of Bucky’s hair in her small fists, almost like the reigns to a horse. “Let’s go!”

You stifled a laugh as she half-directed him where to go. The stairs were steeper than you anticipated, and by the time you reached the next floor, you were well and truly winded. The second flight was even worse; they were both already at the top by the time you got halfway there, because Bucky took them two or three at a time.

“Come on, Mommy!” Winnie cheered.  

“I’m coming, baby,” you called out, holding onto the handrail for dear life. That wasn’t an exaggeration.

One step, two, then three and you finally made it there. It wasn’t that you were out of shape, exactly – except, well, you were. You’d never completely lost the extra weight that came along with having a child, and you definitely didn’t have the time to work out with all of your other responsibilities as much as you would have liked to.

Bucky’s eyes were soft on yours when you glanced over at him, to which you huffed and quickly looked away. Knowing he’d seen how out of shape you were was embarrassing enough.

“Where’s Auntie Nat?” Winnie asked, then, and you were never more grateful to her for it.

“She’s making lunch for us,” Bucky told her, gently placing a hand on your lower back to guide you in the right direction. When you froze up at the unexpected contact, he immediately pulled it away, like he’d only just realized what he’d done.

If your heart wasn’t already racing, it certainly would have been after that.

“How’s that sound, Win? Are you hungry?” you asked as the three of you walked into the large kitchen and living area. The open floor plan was full of expensive things you’d only ever dreamt of, no doubt courtesy of Tony.

“Yeah!” she responded happily, which soon became an excited shriek when she spotted Natasha spreading peanut butter onto a few slices of bread. On the marble countertop in front of her was also a jar of strawberry jam, Winnie’s favourite.

“Hi Winnie,” Natasha greeted. “Guess what I’m making?”

“Peanut butter jellies!” Winnie exclaimed, wiggling a little, clearly ready to get off of Bucky’s shoulders to properly say hi to Natasha. Predictably, he plopped her onto the floor with ease, and she did just that. The sound of her scampering across the unfamiliar tile brought a smile to your face. It almost sounded like home.

Natasha kept her entertained while you and Bucky watched in tense, uncomfortable silence. If nothing else, you were glad that Winnie was able to spend some time with her two favourite people. You, of course, weren’t one of them. You weren’t the fun parent. Bucky was.

“I’m sorry about the other day,” he said, then, softly enough that Winnie couldn’t hear.

You didn’t look at him, instead focusing on what was on the other side of the room: the two black leather sofas surrounding a large flat-screen TV mounted to the wall, with a lavish coffee table in front. All you noticed were the sharp corners and invisible price tags. You weren’t broke, exactly, but all of this was much nicer than you could afford.

“Don’t be,” you replied with a shrug. “She’d be over the moon if we had such a big TV at home.”

“I’m happy to give you more,” Bucky said, crossing his arms. “Why am I not surprised you’re still driving that car?”

At that, you shot him a look that clearly conveyed your displeasure, to which he met your eyes in challenge.

You didn’t want more money from him. You only accepted the bare minimum of child support because it was court-ordered, and even that was a blow to your pride. You and Winnie were managing just fine without the ridiculous sum of money that Bucky made whilst working with the Avengers.

“It still runs. Why would I get rid of it?”

“It’s not as safe as the newer models,” Bucky responded far too evenly for your liking. “You know that. Are you really going to let your pride get in the way of our daughter’s safety?”

“She’s fine,” you hissed. “Are you really going to do this right now?”

“Mommy? What’s wrong?” came your sweet little girl’s voice, then, and your bristly demeanour disappeared in an instant. You always did your best not to argue with Bucky in front of her, but every now and then he just had to push your buttons. This was one of those times.

“Nothing, honey,” you said with faux cheerfulness, walking over to the counter where she was now seated, jam smeared all over her cheeks and chin. “Mommy’s just hungry, that’s all. Can I please have a bite?”

Winnie just beamed and held out one half of her sandwich to you. That was when you noticed that Natasha had lovingly cut it into triangles, just as she always did, and your smile suddenly felt more real than it had in days.

After you took a bite, you brushed Winnie’s soft brown locks away from her forehead and left a kiss there. “Thank you. Now be a good girl for Auntie Nat, okay? Mommy and Daddy will be back soon.”

“Okay, Mommy,” she said so sweetly, you couldn’t help but give her another kiss. Then you shared a warning look with Natasha – almost as if to say keep her out of this – before you walked back over to Bucky.

Together, the two of you went back out into the hallway to finish the argument he started. You were already ready to rip his head off after his unexpected visit-slash-threat earlier in the week, not to mention the snide comment he’d just made about your ability to parent.

The moment the door shut behind you, you were in full attack mode, zero to sixty in no time whatsoever. “Damn it, how many times do I have to tell you not to pick a fight in front of her?”

“Well, maybe if you were more reasonable—”

“More reasonable? Maybe if you made an effort to actually show up every once in a while—”

“What the hell do you think I’m trying to do here, sweetheart? She’s three and I’ve barely seen her!”

“And whose fault is that?” you spat, jabbing your finger into his chest for emphasis, “You’re the one who’s always working, Bucky! You know how excited she gets, and whenever you let her down, I’m the one who has to try and make her feel better! I’m the one making promises you can’t keep!”

Bucky exhaled slowly, then, in a clear attempt to calm down. The two of you never used to fight like this, but ever since you moved away, things had been beyond tense and you’d long since been forced to recognize when he really was trying to control his temper.

Of course, things weren’t always so bad. There were days where both of you were at least somewhat amicable towards each other, maybe even friendly. In fact, this one seemed like it might have been heading in that direction – in the beginning, at least.

Then he finally spoke again, tone clipped, “Let me show you her room.”

Yeah, like seeing whatever he had in store would suddenly make you forget the last three years. 

“Fine.”

Bucky led the way down a winding corridor on the same floor as the communal kitchen. You guessed that each floor probably had its own. The building itself was large and expensive as hell, more than anything you’d ever be able to afford. Just being here almost felt like a privilege.

You hated it. What you hated more was that you liked it. For Winnie, anyway. She deserved the world.

The door to Bucky’s apartment opened with a fingerprint scan, because of course it did. The technology reminded you of your shared suite in the tower once upon a time. 

The apartment wasn’t anything impressive, more of a bachelor pad than anything, but at least it was clean. A grey suede sofa was the focal point, across from another large TV. Boys and their toys, you supposed. At least the coffee table in here had no sharp edges. 

On the other side there was a small kitchenette – big enough for one person, but not necessarily two. Then again, Winnie didn’t eat nearly as much as an adult so that wasn’t really a problem.

Down the hallway, you spotted three doors: one on the left, one on the right, and one at the end. Bathroom, spare room, and his room. At least, that was what you assumed.

You were right.

The second you opened the door to the spare bedroom, your breath hitched in your throat. It wasn’t overly pink or girly like Winnie’s room at home, but you could immediately picture her living here. Not all of the time, because you did still want primary custody, but it was evident that Bucky had put a lot of thought and effort into this.  

There was a twin bed up against one of the walls, with a small guardrail to prevent her from rolling onto the floor – just like at home, where she’d only recently moved into a big girl bed. The sheets were a delicate lavender, and the duvet matched perfectly, white and purple gingham print. At the foot of the bed was a grey fleece blanket, which you absentmindedly brushed your fingers against as you took everything in.

In one of the corners was a small white desk and chair, and on top of it was a stack of children’s books. She hadn’t yet learned how to read, not really, but she loved being read to at bedtime. As you skimmed through the stack, you noticed that a lot of the books were her favourites.

Then you spotted the stuffed animals.

There were a bunch of them, with tags in an assortment of languages. You didn’t even have to look to know that they were from different countries. Bucky must have been saving them for a while. He already knew you had too many at your house as it was; you’d ripped him a new one for it once already, because he liked to bring Winnie one whenever he got back from a mission. You had so many now that they covered her bed, and then some.

He still was picking them up on his missions, it looked like. He just hadn’t given them to her yet.

When you turned back to him, you found him leaning against the doorframe with a hopeful look on his face.

“How long—” Your voice broke, then, and you cleared your throat in an attempt to sound like you weren’t about to cry. It didn’t work. “How long have you been collecting these?”

“Over a year,” he admitted, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly as he nodded to the room itself. “Do you think she’ll like it?”

You let out a shaky breath, willing yourself not to cry in front of him. That didn’t work either.

“Oh, Bucky,” you sniffled. “She’ll love it.”

He hesitantly pushed off the doorframe when he noticed you were upset. “Are you crying?”

“No,” you blubbered, burying your teary face in your hands before he could get a good look.

Bucky wanted to be there for your daughter. At last.

You were beyond touched by all the work that had gone into this, and although you weren’t happy about his unspoken threat of legal action, you could finally see why. He cared about her. He cared about her just as much as you did. He just didn’t show it as well.

The way Bucky wrapped his arms around you was gentle, unsure, but when you leaned into him his hold on you tightened just a little. It had been far too long since you’d been held, for one, and for two, god it felt good to be held by him. You’d forgotten what it felt like to be in his arms. 

You’d missed it – missed him.

That might have been why you finally managed to swallow your pride and ask, muffled and teary, “What car has the best safety features?”

When he pulled away just enough to look at you, he gave you a smile, the same kind where his eyes crinkled at the corners. 

It was genuine.

Part Two / Master List

[seeaddywrite]

overcome by shame, can i ever change?

part 1/6: five times Alex stopped Michael from doing something stupid, & one time Michael returned the favor. 

warnings: for this part -- grief, allusions to depression, unhappy ending (for the moment), alcohol abuse. michael isn’t in a good place & it shows.

part II will be up tomorrow! you can also read/follow on AO3, if you prefer.

The first time Alex stops him from going too far, Michael’s standing over a bleeding redneck in the middle of the Wild Pony, fist raised to land the blow that would cross the line between ‘drunk and disorderly’ and ‘assault.’ It’s a line he’s usually careful to avoid — he’s accepted his role as the town drunk and has no problem throwing a few punches when they’re well-deserved, but Michael has never wanted to end up in a cell for longer than one night.

But less than a week after he’d watched the prison holding his mother explode less than twenty yards in front of him, Michael’s no longer thinking about the consequences of his actions. He’s stuck in that moment, watching it happen over and over, and even the two full bottles of acetone-laced whiskey he’s consumed aren’t enough to end the cycle. Instead, he’s just light-headed as the grief, the guilt, he’s been trying so desperately to suppress begins to morph in his chest. Maybe he would’ve been able to handle it, or at least leave town before he lost his mind, if someone hadn’t bumped into him, splashing a wave of Max’s favorite beer all over the back of his unwashed t-shirt.

Unwanted images flood Michael’s mind, brought on by sense memory he hadn’t even realized existed. Max, shooting beer cans out of the sky with a backwards baseball cap and a wide grin. Max, sitting across from Michael at one of the stupid high school parties Isobel dragged them to, that same beer in his curled fingers, only half-consumed because Max had always been afraid of what would happen if he got too drunk to control himself in public. Max, sitting at the firepit in front of Michael’s trailer, a pyramid of beer cans to one side of his chair and the perpetual tension in his shoulders absent for once as he and Michael stared silently up at the stars, both asking questions the universe refused to answer.

Michael blinks rapidly, determinedly ignoring the sting in his eyes, and gives up on trying to hold himself in check. The surrender is all the impetus Michael’s grief needs to change completely, and the moment he regains his balance, he whirls on the man behind him, ignoring the slurred apologies to shove him, hard. He’s conscious of eyes on him — bystanders and bartenders alike. Maria is by the door, and vaguely, Michael hears her calling his name, telling him to cool off, but her voice just adds to the maelstrom raging inside him. He’s been using Maria, looking to her for distraction and something easy, when everything else in his life is fraught with pain and complication, but it’s not working anymore, and the guilt of knowing that he’s going to hurt her only adds to the weight he labors beneath.

“Man, what the fuck is your problem?” Michael’s victim demands, hitching up his worn Wranglers and squaring his shoulders in challenge. “I said I was sorry!” 

Words are beyond Michael now, and even if he could find them, he wouldn’t waste one on this man. He simply lashes out, kicking the man’s knees out from under him hard enough that his skull strikes the wood floor with an echoing thud. The alcohol makes it hard to maintain his own balance after the sudden movement, but his misdirected fury has burned off the worst of the buzz, and Michael keeps his footing. He lunges again, blind in his determination to make someone else hurt as much as he does in that moment, and his opponent gets to his feet just in time to save his nose from being broken by the heel of Michael’s shoe. He bellows in outrage and lands a punch of his own. Pain sparks along Michael’s cheek, but it’s barely noticeable in comparison to the invisible, gaping wound in his chest and doesn’t slow him down in the slightest. 

His arm draws back, muscles taught, fingers clenched. There’s a voice in the back of his head that sounds painfully like Max’s lectures every time he entered the Sheriff’s office to find Michael waiting for him in a cell. You’re better than this, Michael. One of these days I’m not going to be able to stop you from being sent to a real jail — and we both know you don’t belong there.

Max was right, to an extent. He isn’t here to stop Michael from being sent anywhere now … but any question of whether Michael belonged in a prison died with the mother he failed to save. Prison is the least of what he deserves. 

Voices, some familiar, some not, add to the cacophony of emotional noise in his head, but none of them matter enough to stop him. None of them even register, really, aside from grating on Michael’s ears. 

In the end, it’s one word that stops him -- his name, only his name, said so evenly that Michael shouldn’t have even been able to pick it out of the noise of the crowd. 

“Guerin.” 

A steady hand clamps around Michael’s wrist, familiarity evident in the touch. There’s no hesitation, no tremble or sign of fear -- just the slide of callouses against the sensitive skin of his inner wrist, warm and anchoring in a way Michael’s never quite understood. He allows the hand to push his arm down to his side, to spin him around until he’s looking straight into Alex Manes’ too-solemn face that he can’t mistake, not even drunk on acetone and a surplus of emotion. 

Stunned, Michael stares at his ex … something, because ‘boyfriend’ is never going to be the right word to describe Alex, and ‘lover’ makes their affair sound like something more than it was. It’s the first time they’ve seen each other since the night Max killed Noah, and Michael can’t imagine why Alex is here, stopping him from fucking up again, when he could be literally anywhere else, where he wouldn’t have to deal with Michael and his bullshit. 

The thought, and the guilt that rises like bile in his throat, kickstarts him from staring to action. Michael wrenches out of the hold, but makes no move to advance upon either Alex or his earlier opponent. Any urge to do violence is gone, leaving him feeling hollow and empty. His wrist burns where Alex’s hand had been, not from pain, but from the absence of the touch, and Michael hates himself even more for wishing Alex would reach out again. 

“I think you’ve had enough,” Alex tells him calmly, and nods toward the exit to the bar. He’s wearing a leather jacket, Michael notes distractedly, and his hair’s gotten longer. Just slightly out of regulation parameters, whereas before, it would’ve been cut at least a week ago to avoid that. Alex is getting on with his life, moving away from the military rules and routines impressed upon him for years, and Michael can’t help but resent that Alex couldn’t have made that decision when it was possible for Michael to move on with him. 

But resentment and heartbreak pales in comparison to the grief and anger that have taken root in his chest, so Michael stops trying to think and allows the light-headed, overheated feeling of over-indulgence to lessen it all. But even then, Michael’s not drunk enough to miss the softness in Alex’s eyes where they linger on him, nor the hesitance in his body language as he reaches out to rest a careful hand on Michael’s shoulder. 

“Come on, I’ll drive you home,” he offers, and the kindness is almost unnerving when Michael expects the opposite.  

“I --” Someone’s bound to have called the police, Michael thinks, even as he tries to slow his racing mind in order to answer. He knows he can’t just go home. He’s got to answer for what he’s done — that guy hadn’t even done anything other than make Michael remember things he didn’t want to, he’s got to —

“Kyle’s handling it,” Alex says, interrupting Michael’s painstaking thought process. It takes him a minute to realize that he’s been speaking aloud, and Alex’s grip on his shoulder has tightened in concern. He hadn’t noticed earlier, but Valenti is standing in front of the guy with the bump on his head, arms crossed and a scowl on his face severe enough to keep him from coming at Michael to blacken his other eye. 

“Michael? Are you okay?” 

The laugh in response to such a stupid question is short and bitter, and makes his nose ache where he’d been struck. Michael nods anyway, an automatic, ingrained response from years of pretending that nothing could touch him. He flicks his curls out of his swollen eye with a clumsy  hand, trying to focus on Alex. Apparently, his reaction hadn’t been particularly reassuring. Not if Alex’s wide eyes and thin lips are any indication. 

Great. Now he’s scaring Alex, like standing him up and betraying him hadn’t been enough. Michael inhales sharply, trying to summon the strength to apologize, to tell Alex that he’s fine, that he should go and stop letting Michael trample all over his heart, but Alex speaks first.

“No one’s arresting you tonight, Guerin. Sheriff Valenti knows about what happened to Max,  and —” 

Michael shoves away from Alex abruptly and pretends not to see the flash of hurt that crosses Alex’s face before he schools his expression. He hates seeing it, hates hurting Alex, but that’s all he can do lately, it seems. Hurt the people  he cares about. Maria. Isobel. Alex. Even Liz. He’s pushed them all away and hidden behind the tall, thorny walls of his own pain. And the walls have grown so tall, so labyrinthine, that even Michael himself can’t escape them now.  Hearing his brother’s name is too much on top of everything else, and no matter how his heart screams for him to burrow into Alex’s chest and beg for forgiveness, for comfort, Michael’s not nearly drunk enough to believe he deserves either.  

The crowds part around him as he moves gracelessly toward the bar’s exit. Maria holds the door for him, tries to say something, but Michael just pushes past her and out into the night. 

No one comes after him. 

[adambernardblog-blog]

Return of the 3Mak – Derek Mcnally on NoEXIT’s Epic Rise, 15 Year Hiatus, & Current Comeback

When the TRL boy band era was at its height, NoEXIT burst onto the scene with their 1999 mega-hit “Back Here.” As fast as the English trio arrived, however, just 4 years later they disbanded, although not before racking up over 3 million albums sold, and capturing the hearts of a devoted fan base that refused to give up the hope of seeing Mark Jeremy Berry, Derek Mcnally, and Stephen Burns (photo: L to R) grace the stage together again one day. Last year the patience of their fans was rewarded with the announcement that the band was getting back together. With the release of a new single, “Bullet Train,” an album due out in August, and a national tour that kicks off today, NoEXIT are picking up right where they left off.

I caught up with NoEXIT’s Derek Mcnally to find out how the trio ended up getting back together, and what inspired them to record as a group again. He also discussed feeling “a little bit lost” after the band’s 2003 breakup, and how a message on Myspace gave birth to a successful career in the EDM world. NoEXIT has a new project coming out in August, the first single off of which is “Bullet Train,” and you have a tour that kicks off May 7th. Why did you guys feel now was the right time to bring NoEXIT back into the limelight? Well, it wasn’t like we planned it, or anything. It was something that happened naturally. We’ve been friends for many years. (After NoEXIT) split up in 2003 we’d meet at social events and stuff, but we never used to sing together, or anything. This one time we got the guitars out, we had a little jam, and I posted it on social media, “Hey, look who popped in,” and the video went crazy. We had millions of views in just a couple of days, so we were like wow, that was incredible. We also really enjoyed it, just jamming together, playing together. We realized we’d missed it, and that we wanted to do some more of it, so we just decided let’s just start writing songs and see what happens. Here we are now, the album’s finished, it’s gonna be out in August, the first single is “Bullet Train,” and we’re out on tour. It’s great to be back. So you guys were hanging out this entire time, but never thought to jam together? I mean, we weren’t hanging out every week. The boys got families, and we don’t live so close to each other. We’d see each other every so often, but it would always be a situation where we’d be out, like for dinners, so you don’t really take your guitars out with ya. It just wasn’t the right time, and we just never got around to it because we were all busy getting on with life, I suppose. As a trio you reached tremendous heights in 2000 with “Back Here.” At what point during your rise did you realize the whole NoEXIT thing might be something bigger any of you had imagined? We were all kind of young, and signing this record deal, we were all kind of head in the clouds, you know, just like what’s going on here? But I think one of those moments is when a song on the radio gets picked up and turned into a hit song, and you see the ripple effect of that happening. I remember we were doing all kinds of little shows, and stuff, just trying to get out to people, and we did a few TV (shows), but we went to this mall, I think it was Glendale, in LA, just to do a little show, we were doing something with KODAK, I think, and it was crazy. There was security, people couldn’t get in the mall, police were there, it was just rammed. We were like wow, something’s happened here. Something’s changed here. I think that was the moment for us when we were like wow, buckle up.

Is there any way to prepare for something like that? No. Especially at such a young age. It was a whirlwind. We were all over the world. It was crazy. And once you have a hit song, of course it happens fast, and everybody wants ya, everybody wants to see ya, everybody wants you on their show. It’s crazy. I don’t think you could ever be prepared, physically, or mentally, for that, really. It had to be nice to have two good friends to go through that with, versus potentially going through it as a solo artist. Oh totally. I do a lot of solo stuff myself, and don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy it, but my favorite time is when I’m on stage with the boys, or I’m stage with 3T, or the band /\HTS. It’s a lot more fun going on tour with your friends. It’s definitely good to have someone there to go through the journey with ya.

Do you have a favorite piece of memorabilia from those years that’s either on your wall, or in your closet, that sparks really great memories? Hmm, good question. I’ve kept a lot of the stuff, and some of the things the fans made for us. I kept the NoEXIT name tag from the Jay Leno show. I think that’s on the back of my studio door in England. I love that you kept some of the fan stuff. So there was a screaming, crying, 14 year old, who’s now 30, and you still have something she made for you. Oh yeah. Some of the fans used to make elaborate, gorgeous, wooden bound, scrapbooks with all kinds of clippings. It was so beautiful. We’re lucky to have some great fans, and they’ve made us some lovely gifts over the years, so yeah, I definitely kept that stuff.

You’ve had a successful solo career, but in terms of NoEXIT, you were at the height of it all in 1999, but were done as a band in 2003. That sort of meteoric ascent and immediate ending can wreak havoc on a person’s mental well being. A lot of so-called friends can disappear once the party stops. Was there ever a dark time for you? You know what, to be totally honest, yeah. We were going at 110 miles an hour for so long, and then to stop … The first thing I did with TST was maybe 2007, so for like 3 years there, yeah, I was a little bit lost. You kind of get a little bit lost sometimes, and that was definitely one time, for me, where I had a little bit of a wobble. I remember having some anxiety, and even panic attacks at the time. It was pretty horrible, but I got through that, and you get past these things. It happens to a lot of people, and I think a lot of people are maybe scared to talk about it, or don’t want to talk about it, but that’s the best thing to do at times like that. For a couple of years it was a bit of a weird time, I spent a lot of time with family, but then you come out the other end stronger, and you get on. You get past these things in life, but they do definitely make you stronger. So family helped you through. Having people you could bounce some concerns off of. I think your family is always your ground, it’s always the core, the solid foundation of everything. In life, you’ve always got your family, no matter what. So I think just staying around family, close friends, at times like that (is important) … but yeah, (if you’re feeling lost) go and speak to somebody about it. Earlier, you mentioned working with TST. You’ve done a lot of work in the EDM world. What have been some of the major differences you’ve seen between working in the pop world, in the TRL era, and working in the EDM world, in this Electric Daisy Carnival era? It comes down to the music, always. After I got over that little low after the band, I was starting to have so many ideas that I was itching to get into something. I started putting a few demos out on Myspace, and I found my mojo back. I was writing a lot of songs, and TST actually got in touch with me on Myspace. I was more listening to rock music, and pop music, so a friend of mine said, “Wow, TST is really big. He’s a massive DJ,” so I said I’ll check him out. I checked him out online, and of course he was playing stadiums, and it was a huge massive show, so I was like wow, I think this could be a lot of fun. We wrote a song together (“In the Dark”), it ended up being a big hit for him, and the album (The Elements of Life) went on to get nominated for a Grammy. So yeah, it was a great. That was my first intro to it, and I was lucky enough to work with lots of different people in the dance scene. The music industry is a people business, so (with pop and EDM) you’re just dealing with different people, but the songwriting craft is still the same whether you’re writing an EDM song, or a pop song for the TRL crowd.

We’re gonna rewind a bit. You mentioned Myspace, which was a great platform for musicians. Would you say it kind of helped you launch your solo career? Definitely, because at the time I was coming out of a backlash, kind of. The boy band era was coming to an end, and people were like, “We’re not signing boy bands anymore,” and I said, “It’s not a boy band kinda thing.” So I was like, do you know what, I’m gonna put some stuff out myself. I just put demos up on Myspace, and TST picked it up, and the rest is history. Have you been a part of any of the major EDM festivals? From what I’ve heard those can be some wild events. Yeah, I’ve done some of the big trance festivals in Europe, and Poland. I’ve done Ultra all over the world. I’ve toured with TST on his huge world tour. I’ve toured with AvB on his world tour. So yeah, luckily I’ve been all over, and gotten to do some of these. They’re a lot of fun.

Do you have an especially interesting memory of an EDM crowd, or crowd member? Not a particular member. Definitely some crowds were crazier than others. It’s all about what time your slot is on stage at one of these festivals. Are you saying even those crowds peter out after a certain hour? It seems like they can go all night. In some places, yes, but in some places, no. In Russia people will dance until the last beat of the last song, even if that is 7 in the morning, whereas in England, at 2 or 3 in the morning people start to just wobble on home. {laughs} Not gonna lie, at age 40 I’m kinda liking the English way of doing things. Oh yeah. Me, too. {laughs} Finally, what’s one thing that you want to see, or do, that you haven’t experienced yet? I would like to go to New Zealand, and I would like to go to Iceland. Those are a couple places that I’ve never been to that I want to go to, so I’m gonna try to make that happen. Iceland isn’t usually on a lot of tour itineraries. I know, it just looks so beautiful. It looks amazing. I just want to take my camera there, and go and hang out. It looks ridiculously gorgeous.

[attract-mode-collective]

Not An April Fools Gag; That’s A Game Boy Advance With A GameCube Stick Affixed For Reals

What you're seeing is a modded GBA that I spotted on eBay. It's a real thing! Though it doesn't magically grant analogue control to all the digital input only games on the system, which is all of them for the record (sorry). Then again, it could be argued that the controls in WarioWare Twisted is technically analogue...

That aside aside, welcome to yet another recap of stuff posted over at the Attract Mode Twitter! Though this time it's gonna be a bit on the short side, relatively speaking; even I know covering two entire whole weeks has led to hard to handle Tumblr posts, so I'm going to try concentrating on just one week at a time/attempt weekly updates.

Let's see how well that goes...

Hey, it's SF2 IRL thanks to ARKit (via prostheticknowledge)...

At the time, when I first tweeted about it, there were only three left of Amanda Visell’s Player One Mario; no idea how many there are now...

When you can make a decision regarding lunch (via @Mechazawa)....

If you appreciate both the ease of slip-on sneakers and the taste of ghosts, then Games Glorious has something for you (via miki800.com)...

As a connoisseur of video games on the printed page, it is my goal to one day own a copy of Namco's newsletter that was distributed in game centers during the 80s & 90s, NG (via miki800)...

Remember that time Namco got someone from Yellow Magic Orchestra to hawk their wares (via namcomuseum)...

Both in print and on TV…

The YMO member in question, Haruomi Hosono, also did a Xevious remix album, which longtime readers of the blog will hopefully recall.

Sticking with Namco CMs, there’s a pair of longtime faves that I could have sworn I’ve already posted as well, yet cannot find. Though as noted, many times already, the search functionality here is broken.

So here’s a boy playing with his Famicom in the middle of the woods...

And here’s a girl playing with his Famicom in the middle of the woods...

Back to the subject of print, can’t seem to find any info on the Futabasha Fantasy Novel Series, which (I think) was a line of video game novelizations; this one appears to be written by the creator of Xevious himself (via shmups)...

The focus here is supposed to be the Lawson’s reward card with Kirby on it, but I am all about that Space Invaders whatever the heck it is (via miki800)...

Spent MANY hours at Japanese bookstores during my college years, flipping through Sega Saturn Magazine; seeing these VF Kids ads again makes me feel all warm & fuzzy (via thesegasource)...

This (what I believe to be a) farewell image of the face of the Saturn from the very first issue of Dreamcast Magazine, also gives me the feels (via oldgamemags)...

BTW, everyone knows the identity of Saturn's pitchman (Segata Sanshiro), but what about the Mega Drive's? (via yokosuka87)...

Back to the Saturn; I love how Sega want from Segata Sanshiro to Hidekazu Yukawa for the Dreamcast. This launch edition of the console, btw, was spotted at VideoGamesNewYork...

It's also where they Kira Kira Star Night DX for twice the asking price, as @gamespite)...

Speaking of music, to fully enjoy this animated gif of Eggman running…

… you need to have this song playing (via lunaticobscurity).

And to fully enjoy this image of Eggman on the sax…

... you need to have this song playing (via very-territorial-oak).

@ondoruragitan sez: "whoever designed that clown lady in ace attorney is probably the most horny artist to ever exist" (it's funny cuz it's true)...

So the big news these past few weeks, especially among video game folk my age, has been the end of the Toys R Us. Many have been sharing artifacts from the glory days, with my fave example being these old flyers, with the obvious highlight seeing all the original MSRP prices (via retrogamerblog)...

Oh, and don’t forget the gifs (via nintendroid)...

The following are more appropriate for my way, way overdue batch of game culture snapshots, but since we're on the subject of retail anyway; I recently stumbled across Nintendo's collab with Bloomingdale's that I had no idea even existed...

Took a bunch of pics, but unfortunately, due to the harsh lighting at the SoHo store, it was impossible to capture the women’s section, hence the abundance of men’s wear...

These women's sweatshirts are the best example of the line's overall design sensibilities, or lack thereof; it’s just a bunch of random Nintendo sprites on attire that is available at Bloomingdale's, period. That's all it aspires to be, nothing more...

... And that's a real shame, cuz aside from the quality of the clothing itself being high, some of the ho-hum looking designs could be really engaging with a few minor tweaks, like this b&w women's jacket with a very random assortment of b&w Super Mario World sprites...

In addition to clothing, you had accessories, like iPhone cases...

Plus sunglasses, which revealed Super Mario World playing on what appears to the naked eye to be a blank, white screen....

Speaking of Super Mario World, here's a hamster enjoying the game (via @kousuke_teppei)...

The lil guy also owns an original Famicom, and here we is playing Solomon's Key (thanks to @Topherocious for helping me to identify the game)...

Being that friend who is REALLY into video games means I'm asked a wide variety of questions from folks who are not, like why @beesmygod  is "freaking out" over a Sonic & Garfield two pack for the PC...

... I'll be honest, I don't really understand why either.

Here we have a mockup for an ad blocker that replaces banners with GBA screenshots, which I really want to see happen (via @tinycartridge)...

I also really want to see this happen too (via @truongasm)...

Back to Tiny Cart; that's where I found out that you no longer have to play emulated Tiger handheld games sans backgrounds...

Nothing beats a pic of a dimly lit arcade, especially when it's shot on ACTUAL film (via mendelpalace)...

As for this particular arcade show, @kappuru theorizes "it looks like cinestill film, or a filter designed to mimic it." (via parkerwoods)...

"WHO IS THIS NUN?! WHY DOES SHE LOOK SO SINISTER?" is a great KOF related question (via vice-s-assistant)...

And "BOWL BEFORE ME" is a great KOF related gag (via brondeef)...

"this is the best cosplay i’ve ever seen" is a a great costume play related observation made by lunaticobscurity...

"how to get away with playing super mario odyssey in class" is the caption given by retrogamerblog...

"Stardew Valley gave me 500 characters to use as my farm name, so I put down an entire 1-star amazon review for an Independence Day DVD" is the explanation given by @NoahHafford...

Hey, you never know, maybe one day a homebrew dev might make “Shinjuku-Nichome Gay District Serial Murders” a reality? (via mendelpalace)

When you’ve got one copy of Melee with two boxes, and one copy of Air Ride with zero boxes… just gotta improvise (via stellatuna)...

When you’ve got a killer Game Genie code but no paper to write it down on... and then you discover the code does something totally different (via theassortment)...

And when I asked what this 4koma featuring a Dreamcast VMU was all about, @JonahD was kind enough to explain: "VMUs are playing hide and seek, Black is seeking. One VMU thinks hiding in the controller would be good but it makes a bunch of noise and they’re found immediately" (via posthumanwanderings)...

Whereas I have yet to find out what all these Sonics are doing at a German airport (via sonicthehedgeblog)...

I normally don’t let the weather get to me, yet the constant cold weather in NYC over the past few weeks began taking its toll, to the point that I’m starting to resemble an upside down Super Famicom/European SNES (via sixteen-bit)...

I also really wish I could have checked out Sakura-Con, and not just cuz the weather is so much nicer in Seattle, but to pick up @alexisparade's Monster Factory zine...

I stared at gif illustrating the wacky perspective-related behavior of Super Mario 64’s trees for an entire day, no joke (via suppermariobroth)...

Here we have the rarely seen alternate angle of the internet famous "LAN party gamer duct-taped to the ceiling" photo (via reddit.com)...

Turning the clock back even further, here's yet another kind of party, one that doesn’t involve first person shooters but shoot ‘em ups; it’s the 1986 Hudson Caravan (via videogamesdensetsu)...

Recently, a modded NES Max controller showed up on Kotaku, in which the cycloid nub has been replaced with an analogue stick...

... Which actually appeared the day after I spotted that modded GBA at the very top of this page. I am also willing to admit the disappointment over my tweet not catching on as expected/hoped it would, hence why I'm sharing another pic...

At any rate, I was also reminded of my buddy Nick Santaniello's modded Jaguar controller, which allows for arcade perfect Tempest 2000 controls...

... Which in turned led to me republishing the post from which it hails from originally, my recap of Nick's Shmup Appreciation Night, for Medium (and also sharing additional pics on Twitter)...

BTW, for those wondering, based upon the last round of tweets; the kitchen isn’t just for playing old Mega Drive & PC Engine shmups… you can also play old Naomi fighting games (via internetflexin)...

Guess that's it for now? Sorry, but it finally feels like spring in NYC, and I feel the need to step away from the computer & enjoy weather! Just like Mega Man (via arcadequartermaster)...

[starspatter]

I think you should do ALL THE ASKS :D

WELL ALL RIGHT THENA - Ships that you currently like a lot. (They don’t have to be OTPs because not everyone has OTPs.) Friendships, pairings, threesomes, etc. are allowed.1) DCAU TimSteph2) ItsuHaru3) Logan x Diana Prince4) Itsuki Koizumi x Kyouya OotoriB - A pairing–platonic, romantic or sexual–that you initially didn’t consider, but someone changed your mind.*looks at WonderWolf and SuperBats*C - A ship you have never liked and probably never will.BatCat.  Even back when I wasn’t a fan of Batman I remember I read one DCAU comic involving Catwoman, and her character just didn’t appeal to me.D - A pairing you wish you liked but just can’t.Any Kagepro ships tbh.  Idk I’m just not really invested in the romance of the series.  I prefer them all as friends/platonic.E - Have you added anything cracky/hilarious to your fandom? If so, what?Ahaha…  I’ve contributed a fair bit of Kagecrack through vids/posts, though I think my favorite are these BTAS crossover edits.Also Kyorange and Skitzo!Kyon for TMoHS.  (Plus the “genderbent cast is the previous generation” theory if that counts?)F - What’s the longest you’ve ever been in a fandom?Well I’ve been a Pokémon fan since elementary school.  While I no longer watch the show/play the games, I still follow the new generations and RP on occasion.G - Have you ever had an OTP? If so, do you remember your first one? Who was in it?Eeyup.  While I don’t ship too often, when I do I ship HARD.  ItsuHaru was my first real “obsessive” OTP, but I think the honor for the *very* first ship I had goes to… Cody x Ken from Digimon S2, in a sense. *shot* ^^; Idk I was just really focused on the idea of them making up and becoming “friends”. XP Though I also shipped Ken with Kari too bc of the Dark Ocean stuff.  (Also Gary Oak x Molly Hale from Pokémon but that’s a whole other story. >.>; )H - What is your favorite source text for fandom stuff (e.g., TV shows, movies, books, anime, Western animation, etc.)?I’m still mostly a weeb so animu is my go-to, but I’ve been branching out to more Western stuff lately.  (Although when it comes to Kagepro the songs are still the best medium. =3=)I - Has Tumblr caused you to stop liking any fandoms, if so, which and why?Steven Universe.  While I still love the show, hearing about all the toxicity in the fandom really turned me off so I just try to avoid it.J - Name a fandom you didn’t think about until you saw it all over Tumblr. (You don’t have to care about it or follow it; it just has to be something that Tumblr made you aware of.)Again, Steven Universe.  Also Over the Garden Wall and Bojack Horseman (the former of which I still really recommend you see).K - What character has your favorite development arc/the best development arc?I’m also gonna say Sunset Shimmer from Equestria Girls.  She went from being a seemingly one-off villain to a fully redeemed good guy and leader in her own right.  Though she still has her insecurities, it lets her relate to and help others in the same situation to not let those feelings of inadequacy or jealousy overcome them.Also Midna from Twilight Princess.  Her change of heart from servicing her own needs to selfless sacrifice after observing how hard Link tried to save others mirrors my own feelings when I met Link in OoT/MM and watched him grow into a true hero, working to help both the people of Hyrule and Termina even when he had no obligation or was openly blamed for Ganon’s rise to power.L - Say something genuinely nice about a character who isn’t one of your faves. (Characters you’re neutral about are fair game, as are characters you merely dislike. Characters that you absolutely loathe with the fire of ten thousand suns are exempt, as there is no point in giving yourself an aneurysm over a character that you hate.)So I’m not a big fan of Dick Grayson in the DCAU (or any of his animated adaptations aside from Lego Batman; his YJ version being especially egregious) since I see him as rather childish and bad at dealing with conflict, but he’s admittedly a lot better in the tie-in comics, which give him some much needed development as Nightwing (whereas he barely got any screentime in TNBA).  There he acts as a genuine big brother to Tim, and is shown to not be as nearly as bitter at Bruce as the Old Wounds ep would have one believe.  I also like that they highlight Dick’s fondness for music, wherein his musical knowledge actually comes in handy to solve a couple cases.M - Name a character that you’d like to have for a friend.All of the Mekakushi Dan, SOS Brigade, or Host Club tbhN - Name three things you wish you saw more or in your main fandom (or a fandom of choice).1) More Kagepro content in general2) More DCAU TimSteph 3) More ItsuHaru

O - Choose a song at random. Which ship or character does it remind you of?Growing Up - Run River NorthDefinitely a Timmy Todd/TimSteph song now that I think about it.  Especially the lines “I found my way without your help, with a broken family” and “monsters in my head”. ;(P - Invent a random AU for any fandom (we always need more ideas).…Tbh I’m really liking the “Legion x Ouran” idea lately. XD *shot*Q - A fandom you’ve abandoned and why.Hm…  I don’t think there are any I’ve really “abandoned”, per se.  Most of them are still there, just not at the forefront anymore.R - Which friendship/platonic relationship is your favorite in fandom?All the relationships in Kagepro *shot*S - Show us an example of your personal headcanon (prompts optional but encouraged)Molly Hale from the third movie is the god of the Pokémon world.  Just… don’t ask lol.T - Do you have any hard and fast headcanons that you will die defending?Already answered, but I’ll add a few of my favorites for DCAU TimSteph:1) Tim cuts his own hair after RotJ (or rather just lets it grow long) since he doesn’t trust anyone else with sharp objects around him.  Steph is the first person he allows to trim his hair for him (even though she has no experience with it either), since I imagine him feeling comfortable enough around her that he even falls asleep like Sousuke does with Chidori in Full Metal Panic! The Second Raid.  (For context, he was raised as a soldier from an early age and this is what happened when they tried to take him to a salon.  Played for laughs, but probably an accurate portrayal of people suffering from anxiety/PTSD having to deal with mundane tasks that trigger them.)

2) Similarly, Steph plays piano to help calm Tim down whenever he’s having a panic attack.3) After RotJ Tim refuses to wear red for a long time until Steph knits him a red scarf and tells him it “suits him” bc red is the color of heroes.

As an aside, I also recently like the idea that Logan was at Lex’s party in the DCEU and saw Bruce and Diana together, based on this playlist that I made.  U - Three favorite characters from three different fandoms, and why they’re your favorites.Gonna talk about a few I don’t mention too often nowadays.

1) Link from The Legend of ZeldaLink will forever be my greatest true love.  He’s the first real “hero” I believed in, and he honestly changed my life at one point to actually want to be a better person.  While that faith has faded and I don’t think I can ever reach his example, I still wish I had that kind of courage and kindness - or at least be able to inspire others in the same way he did me.2) Meroko Yui from Full Moon wo SagashiteIf Link was the first (and only) person I ever truly fell in love with, Meroko was the one who taught me what “true love” was in the first place.  I won’t say too much since I still sincerely hope you will check out the series someday, but suffice to say there’s a scene towards the end where she makes a choice that shows how much she has personally grown, and come to understand what it really means to “love” someone wholeheartedly.

3) Gary Oak from PokémonThis is a bit of an odd one, but Gary is a character I related to a lot when I was an adolescent since, of the main series cast, he was the first and one of few to really change his “status quo” by quitting training and deciding to become a researcher instead.  In my eyes it seemed like a shockingly conscious choice to “grow up” in a world where you can ostensibly remain a “child” forever, and I both admired and deplored him for it (especially at that tender transitory age I was going through at the time, where it feels like you’re being forced to “become an adult” whether you want to or not).

V - Which character do you relate to most?Already answered.W - A trope which you are virtually certain to hate in any fandom.Romance in general is really not my thing, so I dislike when it’s the focus/the writers feel the need to pair every character.  I’d rather leave things open-ended most of the time.X - A trope which you are almost certain to love in any fandom.Family/friendship stories + tragic adopted children wanting to be heroesY - What are your secondhand fandoms (i.e., fandoms you aren’t in personally but are tangentially familiar with because your friends/people on your dash are in them)?X-Men, Kingdom Hearts, Dangan Ronpa, Fate/Stay Night, Various Magical Girl series, Various RPG Horror games

Z - Just ramble about something fan-related, go go go! (Prompts optional but encouraged.)I feel like I’ve rambled enough already phew. OTL Thanks for asking though. =P

[shinwnn]

college! jinwoo au

sokay jinwoo is s u p e r well known on campus because he's essentially the guy that’s always fun to be around and exudes confidence

he’s studying linguistics bc he’s fascinated with languages but also he just loves to talk and everyones always making jokes about how he’s so good with languages because he loves the sound of his own voice so much that he never shuts up

he also works at the campus radio station bc he just loves music so much!! AND he’s worked his way up to being a host so getting to play music & talk is basically the dream for him

everyone always tunes in during the hours that jinwoos hosting bc his taste in music is honestly amazing and he has the best radio voice and it makes everything he says sound interesting

you also listen to his show bc he honestly has never played a song you didn’t either already love or instantly fall in love with

but also you’re really beginning to hate this boy because the only reason you actually know him is because he lives right above you in the dorms

and he hosts the L O U D E S T parties that always happen to go till 4 am

usually you and your roommate fight over who has to go up and ask them to quiet down but tonight your roommate is out with some friends and its already 2 am you’re just laying in bed listening to the nonstop thudding sounds coming from above you & ur almost about to die because you have a 7:30 class tmrw

finally you force yourself out of bed and and into the hallway toward jinwoo’s room and you're so tired you're basically already half asleep

when you knock on the door and jinwoo comes out to see sleepy you in an oversized sweatshirt and leggings trying to form a coherent sentence ( it came out more like “the sound.. .too much.. please. stop.. the sound… theres a lot of it”) he can’t help but think you’re about the cutest thing he’s ever seen

and maybe if your eyes weren’t half closed and you weren’t entirely annoyed with the boy, you would’ve also thought he looked cute in his skinny jeans, t-shirt that was just a little bit too big, and perfectly messed up hair

but right now you're pretty much only focused on keeping yourself from completely collapsing in his door way

he feels really bad because you look like you're about to pass out but then his party has expanded to basically the whole floor and he’s lost the ability to control the noise level

he  looks around for a few seconds and without saying anything goes to try to shuffle people into rooms and closing the doors in attempt to quiet things down a little

in the meanwhile you're still standing there in the door way wondering if you should go back now but for some reason your feet aren't moving and wow the floor looks really comfortable right now

but then before you can go to ur final resting place on the floor, jinwoo is back in front of you and he notices that you're like not stable so he puts his hands on your shoulders to try and hold you up and he's like “sorry about everyone. i don’t know if i can do much more about the noise, but i hope that helped a little bit???... also are you okay???”

and no ur obviously not okay bc all you've wanted for the past 3 hrs is to go to bed but everything like 20x quieter now and its so peaceful so you just offer a sleepy smile and nod and turn around to head back toward ur room and ur bed

but then suddenly someones linked their arm with yours and its jin jin trying to be cute and gentlemanly and walk u back to ur room but mostly he's like 90% sure ur gonna collapse in the hall on the way back

ur initial reaction is !! heLLO STRANGER DANGER?? you've only talked to this boy like twice ??? and u sort of tug ur arm away

but jin jin reacts really quickly and like gently pulls u back and he's like “you look like you could use the help. c’mon-“

but even half asleep u does not want the pity of a random cute boy who throws loud parties and disturbs ur sleep so u slightly perk up and are like “ what’s that supposed to mean? are U trying to say I look BAD?”

and jin jin is kind of flustered and taken aback but immediately recovers bc pls this is park jinwoo

“actually i think you look pretty cute and id rather not wake up tomorrow morning to find that you tripped down the stairs to your death while going back to your room because you were too tired.”

so ur like annoyed but ur also like ,,,, fine, maybe i do need someone to make sure i don't die before i get back to my room and also you're kinda leaning into him while u guys are walking and its really nice not having to carry ur own weight

when u guys get to ur door jin jin leans against the frame as ur unlocking it and before u go in he decides to throw away any shred of pride he has and goes for the literally cheesiest line bc he’s never seen anyone look as cute as you do right now

“so, what about a good night kiss?”

u look up to see the brightest smile u have ever?? seen?? like how is he glowing right now but also ur like “did u really just say that”

and u see him get kinda embarrased and ur like woW IS PARK JINWOO THE GOLDEN BOY OF THE SCHOOL ACTUALLY BLUSHING RIGHT NOW??

he’s not really use to rejection bc he hasn't really met a girl he would put himself out there for (but lets be real even if he had, no one would've rejected him what are u doing??)

so he just looks down at the floor and puts his hand on his neck like “ha h a, , yeah, probably shouldn’t have”

but he looks really cute all flustered and you dunno why, tho its probabbly bc ur so tired that u don't actually know if any of this is really happening, but u give him a peck on the cheek and a quick good night before u go inside to ur sweet, sweet bed

n jin jin is just standing outside of ur room, stunned bc WOW ur an angel did that really just happen to him

by the time he gets back to his floor, the partying has pretty much died down to nothing since he really killed the mood when he started pushing people into their rooms for your sake

so he just goes to his room and his roommate mj is laying in bed on his phone (super calm for a change) and jin jin all but jumps on him like “you wouLD NOT BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED”

and ofc mj immediately is as awake as ever dying to know what

after telling mj every detail he basically goes to bed thinking about u being cute whereas youve been knocked out for the past 20 minutes without so much as a thought about it

the next day you’re up by 7 bc u want to get some food and coffee before class so you hit up a cafe on the way to the lecture hall and order your food and sit down at one of the tables to wait

you're running on about 4 hrs of sleep right now so you're not exactly at your prime and you're leaning on your arm while scrolling through your instagram when suddenly your hair is being ruffled and you hear “morning sleepyhead!”

you look up to see jin jin smiling his goofy smile and you’re like “okay firstly, never touch my hair ever again. secondly, why on earth are u up so early, u probably went to bed like … an hour ago”

so he’s like telling u about how he’s helping out around the studio during the morning radio show today and you guys start talking about his radio show and he finds out you listen and it makes him feel all warm and happy for some reason

and you guys start talking about music and you guys have pretty much the same taste and he slips in that he’s been working on some music with his roommate and a few friends and he just gets so excited talking about it

when he can tell that you’re genuinely interested and you ask him questions about their group (which he says is called astro) you can literally see his eyes lighting up and you’re losing track of time bc this is honestly one of the nicest conversations you've had in a long time with one of the nicest boys like, ever

but then u get a notification and see the time on your phone and it’s freaking 745!!!  ur already 15 min late to class and you're still like 10 min away from the hall so you grab your things and are like

“shoot im sorry i totally forgot about the time im late to my lecture”

and while you're cleaning up you just keep rambling about how you're screwed bc the class isn't recorded or anything and you don't know anyone you can get notes from and you had like 4 hours of sleep yesterday (which u remind him is his fault) and oh my goodness why is everything bad happening to you

and jin jins just sitting and sipping his coffee looking at you with most amused look on his face and you're still all flustered from being late and u go to throw ur trash away and

when ur back jin jin has ur book bag over his shoulder and his hands are in his pocket as if this is like a normal thing that u do everyday and ur just like ?? are u robbing me? give me my bag and hes like

“no, cmon i’m walking you to class”

and u don't have time to fight it and really you don't mind at all so you just head out the door toward your hall when u remember that he has to go to work and then u forget that you're totally late for class bc now you're worried for him being late for work and u try to grab ur bag from him and are like “o  my goSH JINWOO ur gonna be LATE for WORK”

but he completely ignores u and just keeps on walking and ur like ARE U LISTENING and he finally turns around and is just like

“i can afford to be a little late, they wont miss me. plus i’d much rather be with you”

and ofc be freaking winks at u and ur like oh my goodness that was cute but u just roll ur eyes and are like “okay fine, but don’t get used to walking me to places”

and u suddenly remember last nights events very clearly ending with u kissing him on the cheek and u get embarrassed

and it only gets worse when he's like “why? i thought i was pretty good at it, especially after the kiss you gave me for it last night. i was getting ready to transfer majors to physical education so i could work on my stamina and walk you to even further places. it was supposed to be our tradition, walking places. man it was gonna be good”

and ur annoyed bc you've never met someone so irritating yet likable. how does that even work? i dk, but park jinwoo does

when u guys get to ur lecture hall ur suddenly not in a rush at all to go inside bc as much as u hate to admit it to urself, you’d much rather hang out with jin jin

so now ur just standing face to face and he’s looking at you smiling his angelic smile and now its ur turn to contemplate what to do before you leave

and u just wrinkle ur nose before finally deciding to give him a quick peck on the cheek again and then ur just like “maybe that can be part of the tradition”

before he can say anything you've already grabbed ur bag and run into the hall and left him smiling like an idiot

when he gets to work he's still so happy and he’s in a good mood everyday but today it’s just like, intensified all his coworkers can tell he's happier than usual and they’re just like “had a good morning jin jin?” and he's like “GREAT MORNING”

meanwhile ur sitting in class like omg did i actually just do that? also why?

and then like 20 minutes later ur like okay i like park jinwoo

after you get out of class you head back to your dorm to work on some essays for a couple of hours and you see that it’s around the time that jin jin is hosting so you tune in

and after the song that’s playing ends you hear jin jin’s voice and he’s talking about his theory on how toy story and finding nemo are connected and all u can do is roll ur eyes and laugh

but then u hear him go “you should be out of class by now, so i hope you're listening. this next songs for you sleepyhead”  

u can hardly believe u just heard him say that and find u urself blushing & even more so when u realize the song that’s playing is pretty u by seventeen

right as you hear the last lines of the song “does she love me, does she love me not…” you get a text from jin jin

“pretty cool huh? i think that deserves a thank you”

to which you reply “you want me to thank you for passive aggressively dedicating songs to me?”

he eventually gets you to agree to let him take u out for dinner and you're so amazed with how comfortable you feel around him and how easily he makes u laugh

it’s just really perfect since u guys started officially dating

a lot of the songs being played during jin jins hours have suspiciously been love songs so much so that he started getting complaints and u had to force him to start playing other things

and as far as those parties that last till 3 am, lately jin jins been finding it a lot more appealing to just sit on the couch with you sharing a blanket and exchanging sleepy kisses as you listen to music

[aoibaratraveler]

A Look Back At My Time in Japan! Chapter 5

Fourth and Final Month on Exchange: July

This was a month full of social events both fun and bittersweet!

I started off the month by watching a movie with some of my uni friends. I have no idea what movie we watched but I’m sure it was a good time. The next couple of weeks consisted of mostly dance practice for the pier side festival that was to be taking place at the end of the month in Nagasaki. I joined the JASIN dance team since they were short on members and I thought it would be cool (plus we got a free university shirt for participating), but man was it difficult. JASIN was the international program that brought in exchange students from around the world to Nagasaki University of Foreign Studies and every year they apparently recruit exchange students to represent the school in a dance in the opening ceremony/party on the first day of the festival. I think there were about three or four other universities there. I actually have footage from the event thanks to one of my pals who was an intern at NHK since they televised it (I think I’ve been on NHK in some way, shape, or form at least two or three times but that was the only time that I was able to actually get the footage since I rarely had access to a TV in Japan during my travels *sighs*). Another girl from my exchange group who was super good at dancing and just had great coordination offered to give me some dance tutoring every day after class when I didn’t have work leading up to the event since I’m just born clumsy so it took awhile for me to get the hang of it.

By around the 16th of the month, pretty much all of Japan went crazy; especially my university. Why may you ask? Because Pokemon Go was released in Japan. While North America had access to the game, Japan was a couple of weeks behind so when it was finally released on Japanese servers it just blew up. Seriously, you couldn’t pass a person on the street without seeing them playing the game. It was great. Even R, one of my university buds who didn’t seem too into anime or gaming, downloaded the game before me and was playing. We pretty much spent everyday thereafter playing together, catching Pokemon and trying to compete in levelling up. She, Corn (a nickname for one of our guy friends) and I decided that we would all be team Mystic since everyone else seemed to be Instinct. Honestly, even the teachers joined in on the excitement. I stupidly didn’t invest in a data sim card or portable WiFi during my time in Japan so I was limited to public WiFi when playing but there was enough of it to go around in the city, it was just harder in the suburbs or more rural areas to play. It’s a shame though because while I still play, most of the people that I started playing with have lost interest in the game but I have decided to stay team Mystic even though the bf is team Valor just to hold onto the memory of that Summer. It was a great bonding experience although I did annoy at least one of my friends with my constant playing who never saw the fun in it.

I also spent a lot of my days that month going out after work with my coworkers. It was just a super lively month in general; B introduced me to a small, but delicious local Korean place and there was an izakaya outing almost every other night with my uni friends. I don’t drink but I still enjoy the atmosphere of everyone being silly and just having a good time - plus the food at izakaya joints is always delicious. It was also the birthday of the crazy receptionist that month, M, and while I may not have been on the best terms with her, she was still friendly with B who is friends with me so I still got an invite. We went to a manga cafe/karaoke joint and it was just quite the time. We somehow managed to stay out until 5 am.

Some days after, B and I went on a hike up to Inasayama from the centre of the city. We were able to open up to each other a lot during this walk and just talked for ages. I hadn’t been hiking in a long while and even though I was cycling or walking to university everyday...I seemed to be a bit out of shape for the hike...Once we left the centre of the city and were hiking more rural routes I really felt it whereas B had been used to inclines like this since she lived at the top of a small mountain and had to walk a huge staircase everyday to get home so it was a piece of cake for her. This also took place on a gorgeous day in the sweltering heat and humidity and I seemed to have forgotten to pack water so it was tough, not gonna lie. I also had stopped wearing the hiking boots that I bought specifically for Japan after my trip to Taiwan since it was just a bad purchase, my feet could never breathe and were a sweaty mess after a day of wearing them...sorry TMI! So I was always spending my days, whether hiking or not, in my sandals that I bought in Taiwan. Not the smartest idea, but hey, at least I got a cool sandal tan (xD). Fortunately for me though, with regards to dehydration, Japan has the most vending machines of any country, about 1 for every 23 citizens and each one has water as well as many delicious and sometimes seasonal drinks so I was covered for refreshments. You can literally find these machines in the middle of nowhere and the most random of places. We were taking side streets up residential areas and we still found a couple. By the time we got close to the top of the mountain it all felt worth it. It was so beautiful, with spectacular views and we managed to catch such a nice breeze. I wish I could still go on hikes like that one with B. It feels so nostalgic to think about that day.

I think I mentioned back in chapter one or two that my home stay family unfortunately did not turn out to be so great even though in the beginning they seemed awesome; so I’m going to take a little break from my recollection of July to explain why that was since July was to be the last month that I would stay with them and I might as well get that out of the way. In the beginning, they really made me feel comfortable and happy and it’s a shame it turned out the way it did because I really wanted to have a second family in Japan through them. They didn’t by any means break my exchange experience but it is a slight unfortunate side to my time there. Before I met my home stay mother who was late picking me up on the first of April, my university informed me of how lucky I was to be staying with this family. This was primarily because their house was in the centre of Nagasaki city and close to everything I could need. I wouldn’t have minded at all being in the pure countryside though but oh well. They also said this because apparently my home stay family were veterans in hosting people but had taken a two year break from doing it and I was the first person that they had decided to take on in a while. (I later found out that it was because their last home stay student was this big smelly guy who just never left his room and seemed to watch anime all day, every day. My home stay family often compared me to him and said I was much better while basically bad mouthing him.). I think that after a month of living with my home stay family the novelty must have worn off which is strange that I would have been a novelty to them since they were so used to hosting foreigners but it truly felt like that. All of April was great and they really showed me a great time. From May onward, however, their attitude towards me just dropped. I tried to be as respectful as I could to them and never take advantage of their kindness or ask too much of them so I really don’t know what happened. They just became very neglectful and apathetic towards me. My theory is that even though my home stay mother was a stay at home mother she just had too much on her plate. She was very sociable and if she wasn’t tending to her high school aged daughter’s or junior high school aged son’s needs then she was taking part in some kind of event. Not that I think it should be her job to clean it but their house was always filthy so clearly she didn’t care about that either. Which meant she was outside of the house a lot of the time and wasn’t cooking or cleaning and which would result in the father having to cook, usually just enough for himself and his son. Essentially, if the mother wasn’t home then I wouldn’t get breakfast or dinner--which is what I paid for as part of my home stay package (and it was quite the expensive package). 

To be honest it felt like they were becoming quite stingy with me which didn’t make sense because I saved them a lot of money. I often went out with my friends and would always let them know when I was going out and didn’t need dinner and then in Ramadan when I spent the month fasting I never needed breakfast so they didn’t need to cook for an extra person for a long time. Regardless, there was one time when they all decided to go out for dinner for a special occasion and said I was allowed to come but had to pay for my portion. So either come out and pay for dinner with them or get no dinner at home and have to buy dinner anyway. It’s not like I was expecting them to pay for me but come on, I paid so much to live with them and they were saving so much money as it is but then were even having me pay for dinner with them? I guess I’m still a little bitter. On some days when it rained or when I didn’t have any plans, which was somewhat rare, they even seemed bothered by the idea that I might want to spend the whole day in the house and would ask if I was planning to go out at all. I went from really trying to be close with them and getting them to like me to just keeping to myself after a while. My little home stay brother who was in junior high didn’t seem to get the memo about being cold to me because in the end he was my only friend in the house and we would often play card games together. Don’t get me wrong though, I did try to at least communicate the food issue with my home stay mother but she acted like she had no idea what I was talking about and that the times that I didn’t get any dinner was because they didn’t know that I was in the house (???). A complete lie because I always informed them when I planned to be outside the house through text (always in Japanese) and when I didn’t say anything then that meant that I was planning to be home for dinner; besides she also never asked or made sure if I was planning to be out. 

Throughout July as well, my home stay mother was also just never around when I needed help with preparing to leave in August or would just make up an excuse and say she needed to do something when I needed her help. You see, I was planning to start backpacking around Japan come August and needed to sort out how to get my suitcase from Nagasaki to Tokyo and what to do with all of the things that I wasn’t planning to take with me i.e. donate or recycle. I had done some research on the best method to get my suitcase sent back to Tokyo without incurring any extra costs. When I sent my suitcase to Nagasaki from Tokyo in March it had a place to go to but since I would be backpacking and didn’t really have a place waiting for me at that point in Tokyo I couldn’t just send my suitcase all the way to Tokyo with nowhere to go but I had found out I could send it to a major post office, for example, Osaka city post office, and they would hold it for ten days free of charge before sending it back to where it came from and then I could just send it again to Tokyo from Osaka when I was to arrive in Osaka. It did need a lot of explanation to the post office staff on what I was planning to do and my suitcase was heavy enough already so I had to get rid of a bunch of stuff. This is where I thought my home stay mother would help me. First of all, the Nagasaki city post office was a bit far to be lugging around the suitcase from their apartment so I thought she could drive me there, help me donate some of my stuff and help to explain my plan to the post office staff. Alas, she wasn’t around to help with any of that and I had to figure it all out on my own. Anyway I’m getting a bit ahead of myself because that didn’t actually happen until the beginning of August but I wanted to paint a picture of what my home stay family was like before I mention them again later.

The end of July was super jam packed. On the 27th, I had my last day at the English school that I was working at and it felt like my time there had gone by so fast. My boss made it clear to me how much he wanted me to come back and work for him when I was to graduate. Working for him was quite the experience and I definitely learned a lot about myself as a teacher and about teaching and realised that I really enjoyed it which is why I decided from that point that I was going to work toward applying for the JET programme, but that’s a story for another time. My last shift was really sweet because I had bonded with a bunch of my students so each group of students from the various classes that I taught made me a little farewell card that I still have. I was really sad to be going but looking forward to possibly teaching in Japan again at some point in my future. 

The next day was the “graduation/farewell” ceremony for all of the exchange students at my university who were planning to leave. This was also sad but also so much fun because the school made a whole event out of it. There was food and music and everyone was dressed up so nice. I even put together my best outfit which was a flowery crop top hand me down from B and some nice overalls. Looking back on some photos though and by the end of my exchange I became so dark compared to how I normally am. I guess because I was walking to school everyday but I really don’t tan that easily in Vancouver, just shows how strong the sun is in Japan. My home stay mother also made a passing comment (before the graduation) about how it would have been nicer if I stayed whiter...I don’t think she meant to sound racist or anything and I am just doing a literal translation of what she said but I think she was just bewildered at how much I just didn’t care all that much that I was tanning and the fact that I was able to become so tanned and that I never put any effort in to look feminine. It also is not common at all for Japanese women to tan and actually they often try their best to cover their skin from the sun in the Summer since looking “white” or pale is something most girls strive to look like there. Anyway, the ceremony portion of the event was really nice and some of the exchange students who had been there longer gave a little speech. It felt super bittersweet to be saying goodbye to all my friends that I had met there from around the world. I met people from the U.S, the Netherlands, France, Vietnam, and China and we shared so much together whether in class or at some university event. I tried to write a letter to some of the people that I was close to and I ended each one with a little message that is a bit cheesy but why not? This was a landmark event in our lives. I said something along the lines of “this isn’t goodbye but see you later!” because I was planning to see them again and I have already met with some of them since then. Later that evening, B took me up to Inasa mountain to look at the stars, enjoy the night view of Nagasaki and celebrate the end of my studies. It was a lovely end to an eventful four months both at my part time job and university.

The day after graduating was the long awaited dance event of the pier side festival! It was quite the exhausting night and I was super nervous about whether I would dance well at all but it was a success! I was able to dance in sync with everyone else! By the end of it all I was super red in the face from what a workout it was and that it was just super humid. It felt like the whole city was there to watch. It was a little embarrassing because some of my students were there too as well some of my teachers from the university but it was a lot of fun and really cool to be able to represent the university and be in the spotlight like that. It honestly went by too fast. You know that feeling of tension that builds up before you get on a really scary looking roller coaster but then you get on and it’s over before you know it? That’s what this kind of felt like. Either way, a really memorable experience and I’m super glad that it was filmed by NHK and I was able to get a copy. Actually, now that I think about it. I pretty much did everything but vlog/blog when it came to collecting memories of things that happened. I took SO many photos of things, a few videos (both on a really bad and worn out phone) and whenever something was being filmed I always tried to get a copy of it. The second day of the pier side festival was the day I got to fulfil a little childhood fantasy of mine; I got to have my first go at a Summer festival at night in a yukata or Summer kimono and it was a blast! I felt super pretty in B’s hand me down yukata that she gave me which had a pink flowery design on a black background. I walked around with R and Corn and later met up with B, ate at some of the food stalls and watched the pretty fireworks for a good 30 minutes. It was absolutely lovely.

On the 30th, one of the senior American teachers that I had mentioned before who was somewhat in charge of the exchange students threw what was apparently his annual end of the year Summer party at his house. It seemed a tad bizarre to me that all of the Japanese first year students (other years were welcome too) and all of the exchange students were invited to party it up at a teacher’s house to celebrate finishing our studies but oh well. R made me promise to go since she had to be there as well because she was on the culture festival preparation committee or something and apparently everyone in the committee has to go to this party so she wanted me to be there too. I didn’t mind at all, I mean, I had some reservations about it because it was weird but also because I had to be up early the next day but since a couple other friends of mine were going as well as H who said he’d drive us (this teacher’s house was in the proper countryside, middle of nowhere). From what I can remember it was an interesting but still strange night. Several of the students didn’t care at all about drinking at a teacher’s house and people generally let loose. My only problem was a couple of the female first years and one girl in particular who got super wasted and was dressed in heels  and was just being really loud and obnoxious but still wanted to follow me and a few others across the street, in the dark, from the house, through a wooded area and to the beach on the other side for some fresh air and to just get away from everything at the party. I was a tad annoyed but mostly concerned that these girls would hurt themselves although no one else seemed to care. I don’t remember much else from that night apart from the fact that we seemed to be there until sunrise. Although my friends and I spent most of it walking around outside and found a really pretty bridge to catch the sunrise. It was a nice way to end a weird night. Although, it wasn’t exactly over. I and the couple of other friends just mentioned, one of which being N, the girl I participated in the dance party with, had committed to being in the Nagasaki Peron boat race, again to represent our university and had no time to go home and rest beforehand since it was meant to start a few hours later at around 9 am. So H, being the sweetheart that he is, stayed up with us and drove us to where the boat race was to take place, parked outside a convenience store and we napped there for about an hour and a half, got some breakfast and were ready to go. I was truly living the exchange life with all these all-nighters that didn’t involve studying. The boat race was a hit as well. I remember being super pumped for it and not feeling tired at all. At some point I memorised a sort of cheer that is said during the boat race and began to basically chant it over and over during the race which seemed to help motivate everyone to row faster. I can confirm that according to a photo that I just saw from the event, I had a blast but looked super goofy.

Boy Drama Part Three: The Finale

Bet you thought this was over! Well, not quite yet. You see I never finished talking about what happened with E and you may think that it just fizzled out...but not exactly. Actually, my ending with him took place from mid/end of June until about the middle of July but since I spoke about Y enough in part 2, I thought I might as well dedicate part 3 to E. It was very strangely just a couple of days after the incident with Y that E messaged me again and pretty much insisted on a second date. He even invited me over to his house but I quickly declined that offer. This was all probably owing to the fact that I had spoken to him at the university just recently about how my phone broke and I panic bought rice to fix it but didn’t know what to do with the rice afterwards and then he offered to take it off my hands. He wanted to eat my phone rice. Well, one less thing that I needed to worry about I guess. Anyway, I was still kinda reeling from what happened with Y near the end of June and having to think about my final assignments, the dance at the pier side festival and wrapping everything up with university but E insisted on a date even though he should have known that I would be busy with assignments being that he was a teacher, but sure, whatever. I agreed to a date for the first Sunday of July but told him that it would have to be a much more casual one since I was planning to get some studies done earlier in the day before meeting up with him. Well, that was the plan. I really should have never agreed to meet up with him because I didn’t even like him anymore but I thought he got the hint that I lost interest and we only had one date that wasn’t really romantic or anything. But he insisted on this date and I didn’t know how to tell him that I wasn’t into him anymore or, well, I just didn’t want to, apart from all the excuses that I tried to give him. 

The plan was for him to do his errands that he said he needed to do and that I would study at a cafe for a few hours and then we would meet up at 9pm for a night time stroll and maybe to get a snack or something. That didn’t happen. I cycled up to the cafe at about 5pm and he was there. I was so confused. We had agreed to meet at 9 but he was there. To be honest, I was feeling a bit ill as well and just wasn’t at all in the mood for this creepiness. I asked him what he was doing there so early and he said that he already finished his errands and thought we could start our date early. Um what? I told him that I hadn’t even started studying yet and he said it was ok and that he would join me while I studied. You might be thinking that should be nice, right? A Japanese teacher to sit with while I did my Japanese studies. Nope. I set myself up, and opened my books and instead of starting a conversation or asking what he could help with or anything, he just sat there and stared at me while I tried to finish my homework. Ahhhh the creep factor was strong with this one. I withstood that for all of 10 minutes before I just thought, right, this isn’t working. I packed up my stuff and told him we should go for a walk since I couldn’t concentrate. I remember my mood just getting more and more sour because, I’ll be honest, it was my time of the month and I was pmsing and he just wasn’t helping the matter. We walked around the city and pier and I tried to cheer myself up so that I didn’t seem too mean but I just found him utterly boring by that point. I think at some point he noticed that I wasn’t feeling well or something so he began to fill the silence a bit himself but it wasn’t really working. We decided to go into a supermarket after awhile and get some ice cream. We bought yukimi daifuku which was a brand of mochi ice cream and was delicious so that did help things a bit. Afterwards though, I decided that it was late enough that I could probably get away with ending the night there so I said that I wanted to go home and then he insisted on walking me home and wouldn’t take no for an answer. On the way back, he began to talk about how he can’t wait until I’m not his student anymore and how he wants to be able to be super open with his affection towards me and hold my hand while walking and do romantic things like that. I was too tired to think too much about it at the time but it really should have dawned on me at that point that this guy thought we were a couple. We had been on barely two dates and still hardly knew each other apart from texting for like a month and talking at school but he thought I was his girlfriend. 

We got back to my house and I thanked him and was about to leave but he went in for a goodbye hug which I obliged him on but after that went in for a kiss and I kid you not, I ducked out of the way. I don’t know if he thought it was a mistake or something but he tried to kiss me a second time!! And I friggin ducked again. I don’t know what to tell you, it’s like something out of a sitcom. You can’t make this stuff up. I don’t know what he was thinking but after that I quickly said bye again and just ran up the stairs. Later on, he sent me a message saying he had a fun night to which I did not reply. I honestly do not know what part of that “date” he thought had gone successful enough for a kiss or even that he felt any chemistry between us because trust me there was none. *sighs* Why do I seem to attract weirdos? (not including the bf, of course)

A week or two passed after that and I wasn’t seeing much of him at university because I only had him for a speaking class and by mid July those classes were done but he seemed to be acting normal. Well, I thought he seemed fine but one day I got a long text from him calling me a coward and basically saying I was ghosting him and planning to leave without breaking up with him and just stringing him along and just a bunch of things along those lines. That’s right, he said breaking up. I’m not exactly sure if this is the case in general in Japan, the verdict is still out but I think showing a bit of interest and going out on at least one date even though I never specifically said that I liked him and wanted to be his girlfriend meant that I was in fact his girlfriend and I was being a crappy one at that. I don’t know what he expected, we never talked about a future or anything on the date (and a half) that we went on, or through messenger, but I was due to be leaving Japan in under two months and Nagasaki in just a couple of weeks and not planning to return for at least a few years so what did he think was going to happen?? Ah, I still cringe and am still so confused. I replied to him and told him that I was planning to talk to him about the fact that I was leaving and say goodbye (which was a lie but in retrospect I probably should have actually meant to) but that I was busy and that he should have known how busy I was. In the end, I told him we should talk about it in person so I told him that I would cycle over to the school the following day and talk to him for a bit since I had to go there for dance practice anyway. The following day, I did just that and oh my goodness the tension in his office was surreal. I went in and closed the door because I thought he probably wouldn’t want anyone to be hearing our conversation but then he got up and opened it and then just wouldn’t stop glaring at me which made me sufficiently uncomfortable. He sat back down and continued to glare and just didn’t say anything. I tried to open up the conversation and say that I was really sorry if I hurt his feelings and that that wasn’t my intention at all but said a couple of the same things that I said through text to him which was that I was planning to be leaving in just a couple of weeks and didn’t think much would come of our relationship but that it would be nice to remain friends if possible. Nothing. He did not say a word. He continued to glare though which made me unable to look at him and I was just facing my lap the entire time. I tried to apologise more and get him to say something but my efforts were futile and after about five minutes I told him that I had to go to dance practice and promptly left. It was unreal how uncomfortable I was and how creepy he was. I never spoke to him again after that either, I did see him around the university up until graduation though but we made sure to avoid each other.

[mandibierly]

How 'Manhunt: Unabomber' built Ted Kaczynski's backstory: Your burning questions answered

Paul Bettany as Ted Kaczynski in ‘Manhunt: Unabomber’ (Photo: Discovery)

Episode 6 of Discovery’s Manhunt: Unabomber, which aired Tuesday night, dove deep into Ted Kaczynski’s troubled life, from the first bomb he made in grade school to his years at Harvard University, where he was recruited for a CIA-sponsored brainwashing experiment, to whether he was capable of keeping his promise to stop mailing bombs if his 35,000-word manifesto was printed for all to read.

As Paul Bettany, who stars as adult Kaczynski, wants to clearly reiterate, the TV show is in no way looking for sympathy for Kaczynski, who killed three people and injured 23 in his 17-year campaign — but it does try to elicit your empathy. “There’s a part of Ted that was a child and 16-years-old and experimented on by the CIA, and humiliated, and that is an awful thing for anybody to have gone through. I think there’s an argument to say that it went somewhere toward destroying him and weaponizing him one way or another,” Bettany says. “We’re not going to get anywhere if the conversation ends with, ‘He’s a monster,’ and not with, ‘How the f**k did this person not feel that this was his home anymore? That somehow he wasn’t welcome in this world.’ That’s a really interesting question to ask ourselves: Why do children — not just in this country, but yes, from this country, and in the UK and throughout Europe — feel so alienated in their country that they run off to Syria, for instance? How can we help people who experience such intense alienation that they no longer feel a part of their communities?”

To answer some of our burning questions about how the show built Kaczynski’s backstory, Yahoo TV spoke separately with Bettany, series co-creator/writer Andrew Sodroski, and director/showrunner Greg Yaitanes.

The episode is framed as a letter Ted is writing to his brother, David, contemplating how he ended up the man he became and whether it’s too late to change. Did he really express those ideas in a letter to David?

Andrew Sodroski: There is no one document where he lays it all out like that. That kind of emotional landscape is something that you piece together. I read thousands of pages of letters by Ted Kaczynski, his autobiography, all these different things. Really for me, it came out of this paradox that he promised to stop bombing if his manifesto was published and yet when they arrested him, they found a new bomb under his bed. I talked to Jim Fitzgerald [the FBI profiler played by Sam Worthington in the series] a lot about this, and he was like, “Well, that was his hobby. He probably was never going to send the bomb but he had nothing else to do.”

I started really thinking about this, like, “Okay, here is a guy, he says he’s going to stop bombing, and he probably means it. He actually really wants to stop bombing, but he somehow ends up, despite himself, with a bomb under his bed.” The idea of telling the story of the last bomb gave me the way into piecing together all those character moments — this desire to change and the inability to change. Threading those lines and that complexity gave me both the form of the episode — which is one day, publication day, the day when his whole life is supposed to change — and then also the content of that letter.

Greg Yaitanes: Andrew and I differ on that bomb under Ted’s bed. Andrew believes that Ted was going to stop bombing; I believe that there was a bomb under Ted’s bed and Ted would not have been able to stop himself and would have sent it. That difference actually helped us arrive on the approach. We really zeroed in on the addiction aspect of his bomb-making: Can a guy who’s done something his whole life separate from it?

(Photo: Discovery)

Paul Bettany: There were days when Greg and I would turn up and we’d have an hour or two before we started shooting, and we’d just sit in the cabin and talk things through and figure stuff out. How do we express that — whether he’s gonna have a clean slate and he’s not build bombs anymore? We shot it like it was an addiction: he packs [the bomb materials] away, and we have the bag in the foreground, and he’s looking at the bag, and the peace that brings him of finally getting a hit again.

(Photo: Discovery)

Yaitanes: We went into the elation [when he believes he can stop], which led to the dancing, which was a great piece out of Ted’s journal, how he would dance to Bach music.

Bettany: He writes about a dance for the rabbits that he would do, and it was a really pretty uneventful dance. He describes it as stomping his left foot and stomping his right foot, and so we thought, “Well, that’s eminently uncinematic. What can we do?” We put some music on and had him dance with himself and then invite, rather sadly, an imaginary partner to waltz with him, and sort of somehow express that longing for somebody that he had a lot of difficulty expressing.

Yaitanes: Then that [lure of the last bomb] was the spine of which to play against as he struggles to be able to be alone with himself, which was something he could never do. For a guy that talked about how mass entertainment is distracting us, he had his own distraction, which was making bombs and killing people.

We see young Ted (Grady Port) build his first bomb, in retaliation for losing a friend after that classmate got a girlfriend. Is that story true?

Sodroski: He had this intense friendship with this boy when he was in grade school, and later he wrote this weird short story called How I Blew Up Harold Snilly, which is a semi-fictional account of his first bomb, which was in chemistry class in grade school. I took a lot of his grade school experiences and condensed them into that one relationship, but there is this way in which, even early on, Ted was trapped in this cycle of getting close to somebody, then [feeling betrayed], and then lashing out in this self-destructive way. That became the story of his life.

(Photo: Discovery)

Ted (played by John Berchtold) went to Harvard at the age of 16 and thought he found a trusted confidante in psychology professor Henry A. Murray (Brian d’Arcy James), who was actually grooming him for a three-year-long experiment that was part of MKUltra, the CIA’s mind-control project working to perfect brainwashing techniques to use on Soviet spies. How accurate is the show’s depiction of those sessions?

Sodroski: There are videotapes in Harvard’s archives of some of the sessions. We can’t see the tapes of the sessions because Ted has publicly talked about them, and so they are under lock and key until Ted dies. We were able to get a transcript of some of those sessions with Murray.

Yaitanes: We had to condense it, but we were able to glean what we could from transcripts, from Ted’s journaling, from other people that have been through the program. We feel that that very accurately represents what was there on the day.

(Photo: Discovery)

Sodroski: The one really sad thing [was] Ted talks about the Murray experiments in his autobiography or in some of his journals, and there’s this moment when he says, “Why did I keep going back?” In the show, we say, “It’s to prove that he couldn’t break me,” which I think is the heart of the matter. But in his journals, Ted says, “He just promised me at the end there would be a party with girls at it, and I thought if I just hung in there, I would be invited to that party. Still to this day, it bothers me that there was no party.” You just think, “Wow.” I feel like if we had had Ted say that, it’s too much — nobody would believe it. But when you read it in his journals, it’s really heartbreaking because he was literally looking for connection.

There were drafts of this script where we went into his sexual history, which is really interesting. At one point, he wanted to have a sex-change operation. His relationship with his [childhood friend] is sort of borderline homosexual, in a kind of 11-year-old experimental way. We kept trying to thread those moments through in a way that was compassionate and that was part of the total picture of Ted Kaczynski. … but as soon as you put in “Ted Kaczynski wants a sex-change operation,” suddenly everything becomes about that, where it isn’t really about that. It isn’t about sexual confusion; it’s about a desire to just connect with someone, anyone, who can understand me and feel my pain. If we’re talking about Ted, we can say, “Yeah, there’s definitely a sexual component to his isolation and to his mental landscape,” but as soon as you experience that onscreen, it’s like, “Oh, he’s just a sex-crazed freak,” and suddenly, we are on the outside looking in on Ted, whereas I think the power of the story we’re telling is that we are with Ted on this journey and this life review and experiencing it with him.

Yaitanes: He couldn’t put a read on human interaction, so he didn’t know where he fit in. I think thematically, there was something interesting to unpack there, but there was not the room nor the time to do it in a way that would have been respectful to what it was, which was more complex and gray than anything we could have tackled without really having an additional episode to explore it. Our thesis is, and rightly so, that your sexuality does not define you as a person, and I think that is no more apparent than the conversation that is happening out there today, and yet, we continually see that. We just saw it in the news [with the ban on transgender soldiers serving in the military]. We didn’t want to contribute to that conversation in any kind of light that didn’t fully respect our in-depth take of what our research showed us.

We see Murray tell Ted that his mother, Wanda, wrote him and gave him permission to do this humiliating experiment on her son. In the show, Ted says he later learned Murray had lied about the letter.

Sodroski: There is an actual letter from Wanda to Murray saying, “Thank you for choosing my son, and I really hope you��ll be able to help him.” It doesn’t go into all that detail about how he’s a creep and a bed-wetter and a compulsive masturbator. We decided that it’s a little too cruel to have an actual letter from Wanda to Murray, and that it helped tell our story better if it’s a fake letter, even though in reality, Wanda signed a permission slip and wrote on it, “Maybe you’ll be able to help my poor son. He’s totally messed up. A Harvard psych professor — here’s what he needs in his life.” For me, the important thing there was just understanding that Ted came out of this experience distrustful of everyone in his life, including himself.

(Photo: Discovery)

In the series, Ted imagines what his life could have been like had he used all the time he spent being angry and building bombs on finding love and having a child. We see him invited to a birthday party for the local librarian’s son, and amazingly, we desperately want him to go. Did those people really exist?

Sodroski: What’s interesting about Ted is he really did tutor the librarian’s son in math, and he really was friends with the local librarian. This is one of these paradoxes of Ted, which is that he lived totally alone in the woods, he cuts off all his ties with everyone who loves him, and yet he still bicycles into town, he tutors this kid, he’s friends with the librarian. People who knew him kind of liked him; they thought he was a little odd but was a nice guy. Digging into that paradox, there is this kind of fantasy life. He’s sort of trapped in these choices. There is one path he could have taken, that he wants to take, which is about connecting with other people, and yet somehow he is unable to connect with others. There’s this feeling that if he had one real human connection in his life, he could have been saved, but somehow, because of circumstance, because of what happened to him, and because of his own inner flaws, he was never able to find that thing, that love that could have saved him.

Yaitanes: From prison, he was sending practice problems to the character we based Timmy on. That’s not something that we invented. What made him be able to do that? That interested me, [but] Andrew really connected to that. I would always be the counterpoint to that. I was like, “Dude, the guy killed people,” and he would be like, “Yeah, I know but…” People just don’t fall in a clear-cut category. Nowhere in any of my education or research is anything clean cut, is anybody just simply a monster, all good or all bad.
 I was a Judaic studies minor focusing on the Holocaust and the psychology of the Nazi doctors’ ability to double their personalities, to be able to go home to their wife and kids and then be able to kill children the next day. What did it take, and what did it do to those kind of people? I wanted to present that complexity and how Ted lived his life. I had to put my own personal feelings aside.

(Photo: Discovery)

Sodroski: With Ted’s fantasy family, we wrote the skeleton of it on the page, but to see what happens when you put Paul and a two-year-old in the cabin, and when you put Paul and Timmy together in the garden, I didn’t expect that to be as emotional as it is, either on the day that we were shooting it or on the screen. When the kids were introduced into the cabin, it was heaven for them because there’s nothing digital — there are instruments and books and tools and trees. Our DP [director of photography], Zack Galler, shot that stuff in this beautiful, beautiful way. It really was like watching it onscreen, where you have seen Paul alone in his cabin for so long and then suddenly, you’re watching this totally other person living this beautiful life. Then as soon as that was over, the kids were released and we were back to him building bombs in the cabin.

(Photo: Discovery)

Yaitanes: I’m a huge Terrence Malick fan, and if this show is All the President’s Men, then Episode 6 is kind of like a Malick film dropped into the middle of it. To shoot something with that kind of poetry of an imagined future was really, truly some of my favorite stuff that I shot. It looked exactly how I wanted it to look. I’m showing you what he longed for. He didn’t long for it through the filter of a monster; he didn’t see himself that way. The beauty of that [dream] was important to represent. I tried to be honest in everything that the research spoke about and tried to really put myself in his point of view and show that he was conflicted. … Something like at the end: it was scripted that we revisited these images [of young Ted and Harvard Ted], but it wasn’t as specific as they were all staring at the camera, taking inventory of each other.

Bettany: We figured that out on the morning of shooting it. That was Greg and I in a room before the crew showed up, and it was really special.

(Photo: Discovery)

(Photo: Discovery)

(Photo: Discovery)

(Photo: Discovery)

Yaitanes: We worked out that flow so that it geographically made sense. Ted’s in bed, and he’s imagining himself sitting [with the baby] and looking down on the floor. The floor is the grass [where young Ted is lying, and he turns and becomes Harvard Ted, who looks back at adult Ted in bed]. That little circle is my favorite moment. It was about three months between when I did that with Paul and when I finished it. I went back to those images I took of Paul on my iPhone and showed them to the young Ted actors. That was something that was born out of, “Hey, what if we try this?”

I know a lot of directors that over-prepare, and because of the tight prep on this series that we had, there just was not that opportunity to do that, so you all have to depend on each other creatively to take you through the day. That ended up making it an incredibly collaborative experience in Episode 6. We would always start the day just walking through the journey of that character that day so that everything felt lived in.
 “Ted spent an enormous amount of time in the library. Where does he like to sit? How does he help?” These are all things that just had to feel like he’s done them a million times. I could have watched hours of Paul doing Ted stuff. The original cut of this episode was an hour and a half. I just couldn’t get enough of what Paul was doing.

Sodroski: The thing about Paul — he is so present and so interested in the details of that life. He would ask things like, “Which end of the bed was Ted’s head on when he slept? Was there a mattress? Where did he keep the carrots? What did he eat for breakfast when he woke up in the morning?” You could see the more time he spent in the cabin, the more it felt like his home in this amazing way. Between takes, he would go into the cabin and he would close the doors. It was like he was inhabiting that role and inhabiting that space in a way that allowed those moments to really come to life because he was experiencing this stuff as a person who doesn’t interact with anybody.

Did Bettany meet the actors who played young Ted while filming?

Bettany: I did a lot of taping of stuff for them, so they could listen to how my voice was, but I didn’t meet them in person. I thought they did such a great job. The pair of them were really moving.

Yaitanes: Paul had, on his own, recorded all of John’s lines [for Harvard Ted] just so he could hear the dialect, so that it would line up.
 That wasn’t something I asked for; that was something that he did unsolicited. Paul is also a director and understands about the bigger good. I find that actors who have directed are even more collaborative because they’ve been there and they know their instinct as a director is to want to help people through things. It just re-frames your whole way of thinking.

Young Ted [Grady Port] really shouldn’t be dismissed in the process, because his work was so beautiful and so hard being a kid and acting
 [those difficult scenes]. And Harvard Ted [John Berchtold] did the heavy-lifting. I wanted to make sure that he had another presence in there, so casting someone of heft like Brian [d’Arcy James] for Murray was also crucial. The end of that montage of his with Murray — those were entire scenes to be shot so we could extract a piece that we wanted. John came in off-book with 10 pages of monologues in one day that were perfect. It was unbelievable.

Manhunt: Unabomber airs Tuesdays at 10 p.m. on Discovery.

Read more from Yahoo TV: ‘Manhunt: Unabomber’: How Mark Duplass portrayed Ted Kaczynski’s brother How Jane Lynch researched Janet Reno for ‘Manhunt: Unabomber’ ‘Manhunt: Unabomber’: How Paul Bettany got inside Ted Kaczynski’s mind ‘Manhunt: Unabomber’: Sam Worthington on giving FBI profiler Jim Fitzgerald his due

[imwastingmylifeinhere]

Magnus Chase and the Obligatory Hogwarts AU Ch16

Yes, we're here! I've been waiting forward to this part since I started this story. So, with no further ado, I present to you the Triwizard Tournament!

The rest of their sixth year had gone by relatively well. Halfborn managed to get the N.E.W.T.S he needed to get into the Wizarding University he needed, as did Percy and Annabeth. They threw a big party to celebrate it before the two Americans had to fly back and let’s just say Halfborn took full advantage of the fact he could legally drink.

Sam had been doing research on how she could get permission to bring Amir to the Triwizard Tournament for the best part of the second semester. She hadn’t yet told Amir since she didn’t want to get his hopes up for nothing but Alex promised her that they could just sneak him in if they didn’t get permission. Apparently the plan included fake mustaches and a bad accent.

And speaking of Alex, her relationship with Magnus had been… weird. They were still friends, sure, and you wouldn’t notice something was wrong even if you knew both of them well. They hang out and joked together and spent entire nights awake binge-watching something from Netflix, but there were always those moments when they remembered of the crush they had – still had - on the other and had to remind themselves nothing would come of it and they should just move on already.

At times, they would get their hopes up for a moment. Holding eye-contact for a moment too long, hands brushing a bit too much, a joking ‘I love you’ and then squashing that hope down again. Friends do those things too, it doesn’t mean anything, they thought to themselves.

Summer went by in a flash, or maybe it just seemed like that to them. They met in front of King’s Cross and sat together in a compartment, telling each other what they did during summer. Being back on the Hogwarts Express felt different this time. Maybe it was because the last time they were in one of its compartments they were squeezed tightly next to each other in order to fit eight people inside whereas now they were only five. Or maybe it was because they knew this was going to be the last time they got to ride the Hogwarts Express at the start of the school year.  They were seventh years now- by next autumn they will have graduated.

“It feels weird to think this is the last time, huh?” T.J said at one point. “By next year we’ll be officially adults.”

“Now you made me feel old,” Alex said sheepishly, but no one missed the melancholy tone in her voice. None of them other than Magnus knew all the details, but it didn’t take much to understand Alex’s time at Hogwarts were the happiest years of her life so far. Hogwarts had been her home for four years and the first place where she ever felt like she was accepted. It honestly scared her to think she would never come back after this year. I suppose this is what normal kids feel like when they have to move out of their parents’ house for the first time.

“I don’t feel like an adult,” Magnus said. “I can hardly grow a beard or drive and I have no clue what I’m supposed to do with my life.”

Everybody but Sam – who knew for years she wanted to be a pilot- nodded in an ‘I feel you’ kind of way.  

“You tell me,” Mallory sighed. “Halfborn had been talking to me about different universities and courses and whatnot he was interested in for years and I was just like ‘I guess I want to finish school?’”

“Yeah, for all our jokes about how he’s an actual Viking, Halfborn has his life together better than any of us, save for Sam,” T.J said.

“I don’t have my life together that well,” Sam said, more because of embarrassment for being left out of the conversation than anything else. And it was true! Like, yesterday she had stayed up later than she was supposed to and she didn’t know a thing about cooking (ironic considering Amir’s family owned a restaurant).

Sam was met with ‘are you shitting me’ looks by every one of their friends. “Sam,” Alex said slowly, “you are already engaged with a boy you’ve been in love with for years and you’ve already applied for a bunch of piloting schools. You’ll probably be accepted by all of them, to be honest.”

Sam said nothing because Alex was right (although she doubted they would all accept her. At least one would turn her down due to her religion despite her great qualifications.)

“Okay, enough with worrying about our future, guys!” Mallory said, standing up from her seat. “This is our last year! Let’s make sure we enjoy it! We’ll go out with a bang!”

The redhead threw her arms in the air and her friends were quick to follow. Alex run out of the compartment quickly and came back with arms filled with chocolate frogs and a bunch of other sweets. The group hollered and hooted and soon candy wrappers littered the floor as they sang horrible Top 40s songs (and musicals because Percy and Alex had bonded over their shared love for Hamilton and other musicals, which meant that Alex was singing ‘Big Fun’ from ‘Heathers’ at the top of her lungs).

They arrived at Hogwarts after T.J and Alex (with some helps from the others) had managed to sing though the entire first act of “In the Heights” (and wow, Magnus never knew he found Alex speaking Spanish hot, but damn).

The opening feast went on like always for the most part. And ‘for the most part’ because Headmaster Odin announced that the Triwizard tournament would take place in their school this year. The student went crazy over the announcement, obviously, especially those over 17 who could try out their luck and see if they would be chosen as Champion.

And so that was the standart topic of conversation for the first weeks of school. ‘Which house will the Champion be from?’, ‘Who do you think will be Champion?’ and ‘Who will you take to the Yule Ball?’ were the most common questions between students and eve some teachers asked them (read: Professor Jack).

And so the time passed by and October finally arrived. The 30th came and the students were unable to think of anything but the arrival of the two schools that evening. It became almost unbearable for the teachers, the constant murmur in the back of their classes. Some completely gave up on teaching and just talked with their students (again, Professor Jack, who told them about the beautiful French woman he dated once and the handsome Bulgarian man he charmed with his talents).

The moment the afternoon classes were over the students sprinted down to the Big Lake to watch the two other schools arrive. The students’ excited talking created a cacophony that sounded like constant buzzing. The younger students were the ones more excited, or more obviously excited. The seventh years might not be bouncing up and down and squealing, but they wanted to.

“Hey, look!” a tiny first year yelled, pointing up at the sky. Everybody turned to look where she was pointing to see a pastel blue carriage being dragged across the sky. As the carriage got closer and closer it got bigger and bigger and what at first looked like a typical carriage ended up being as a two-deck bus on steroids. The students quickly moved aside to make room for the vehicle to land.

As the carriage landed and the winged horses that pulled it along came to a halt, Alex turned to Magnus. “It must be really hard to find parking space for that thing.” The joke was so random it made Magnus crack up, despite effectively ruing the otherwise magical moment.

As the doors of the blue carriage opened, a tall, elegant man walked out with robes as blue as sapphires and gray streaks of hair at his temples. He was followed by a rather big group of students, all dressed in blue. The boys looked like they could all easily get the role of the pretty boy in a bad high school chick flick, wearing a sky blue blazer with details in darker blue and perfectly ironed blue pants. The girls could have easily passed as Veelas, moving gracefully in a way that made you wonder whether they actually had Veela blood. They wore the same blazers as the boys with a blue skirt that reached their knees and fluttered with their every step.

The students were arranged by year, the first years at the back and the seventh years at the front. A boy walked near the front, shoulders pushed back and head held high proudly. The light color of his uniform made his dark skin stand out and black curls peaked out from under his hat.

“There’s so much blue I think I’ll throw up,” Magnus whispered at Alex. He honestly felt a bit nauseous at seeing so much of the color, no matter how attractive the students were.

“I’m more concerned about those ridiculous hats,” Alex whispered back. “Who thought those things were a good idea?”

“The same guy who thought we should have big black pointy hats,” T.J piped in.

The tall man, the headmaster of the school apparently, walked up to Odin and the two men shook hands.

“Gilbert, it’s good to see you,” the Hogwarts headmaster said with a smile, pronouncing Gilbert like Jill-bare.

“Likewise, mon ami.” The man- Gilbert- spoke in a soft, mellow tone that made Alex think he’d be great at telling kids bedtime stories. “Has Durmstrang arrived yet?” Gilbert’s accent was almost unnoticeable, except for when a word had an ‘r’ in it.

“They should show up any minute-“ The Headmaster was cut off by an explosion of water from the Big Lake. A large ship burst out of the water, spraying the watching students with water. The ship looked like what you would imagine a pirate ship like, made entirely of wood, with large masts and billowing sails that looked completely dry despite being just underwater. The figurehead at the prow of the large vessel was a sculptured dragon, its large wings plastered over the sides of the ship’s hull and its eyes two gleaming red rubies.

The ship pulled closer to the shore and a wooden bridge was lowered. The first to exit was a tall woman with broad shoulders and almost white blonde hair pulled back in a tight bun. Her eyes were gray and sharp like a blade and there were deep lines around them. The students of Hogwarts were instantly met with the realization that she was one of those teachers that you don’t want to piss off or you’ll be damned to hell.

Alex stared at the woman with large, shocked eyes. Of course she would be here! He scolded himself for not figuring this out sooner and his blood run cold in his veins as he realized something else. Oh, please don’t let her be here, please don’t let her be here.

“Alex?” Magnus asked, concern lacing his voice. His hand hovered in the air next to him, hesitant if he should touch Alex’s shoulder or not. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, yeah I’m-“

The ‘I’m fine’ Alex would have said got cut in his throat as his eyes fell on a tall girl with auburn hair. She held her chin up high and as the students of Durmstrang got off the boat she looked at everyone with an expression as if she was above all of them. Her blood red robes made her white skin seem almost translucent. Her legs, strong from Quidditch, where clad the isothermal leggings that were part of the Durmstrang girl uniform. The fur coat hanging off her shoulder looked like the skin of a bear and Alex had no doubt in his mind she could easily kill a bear.

“Alex?” Magnus followed Alex’s eyes to the Durmstrang girl. He didn’t understand why confident Alex was left looking at the girl with frightened eyes until he remembered what Alex hat told him back in the Room of Requirement last year. “Is she…?”

Alex clearly understood what Magnus was asking because he nodded. “Y-Yeah.”

Anger flared up in the Hufflepuff and he got some very un-Hufflepuff like thoughts regarding that girl.

“Alex, are you alright?” Mallory asked concerned, laying a hand on her roommate’s shoulder.

“Who’s that girl?” Sam asked, having noticed the way with which Alex was staring at the girl.

“She’s a cow that hurt Alex,” Magnus said simply, voice as cold as the weather back at Durmstrang.

The rest of their group didn’t seem to need any more information because they were instantly glaring daggers at the back of the Durmstrang girl.

The Durmstrang students walked behind their Headmistress as she came to meet Odin.

“Odin, Gilbert, it’s a pleasure to see you again,” she said as they shook hands, her accent heavy when she spoke.

“Same here, dear Sonia,” Gilbert said as he kissed her cheeks in greeting.

The auburn haired girl was scanning the crowds of Hogwarts and Beauxbatons students with eyes like a hawk. She gave off the impression she was sure she would get picked for Champion and was searching the crowd of students for her competition. As her eyes flew over the students she suddenly froze when she saw a certain green haired Slytherin. For a moment, she looked just as surprised Alex, then her astonishment was wiped away by a wicked smile that spread across her face.

“Hello,” she mouthed at Alex and waved at him, her fingers wiggling.

A soft gasp was heard from Alex and Sam was quick to step in front of her brother and glare at the girl along with T.J. Mallory flicked a peace sign at the girl, which didn’t mean something as innocent as that for the Irish. Magnus flashed her a similar rude expression with absolutely no regret.

“Let’s kill her,” T.J said. The others nodded and kept glaring at the girl’s back.

“I know where we can hide the body,” Mallory said.

A nice, warm ball of feelings rose in Alex’s chest when he saw his friends try and defend him like that. Maybe he should be more concerned his friends were prepared to commit murder and kill a girl then didn’t even know the name of, but after seeing Helga again so suddenly it made him feel safe.

The three schools were lead inside the Hall of the Slain for dinner. The small tables that littered the room where students from all different houses could sit were now removed. In their place were the long House tables from the entrance feast along with two extra tables, one for each of the visiting schools. The group of friends had to split up despite how much they didn’t want to.

“If she tries anything, give me a signal and I’ll shower her in gravy and chicken bones,” T.J told Alex right before he went to sit at the Ravenclaw table. The unusual response managed to put a small smile on Alex’s face.

Magnus felt bad leaving Alex alone after that girl that had hurt him so much arrived and obviously recognized Alex, even though a part of him knew Alex could easily give her hell. Still, he couldn’t help but worry, though Sam and Mallory standing by Alex’s sides like his own personal body guards helped him calm down.

Once everyone was seated in their tables and the chatter in the Hall had calmed down, Headmaster Odin stood up.

“I believe I’m talking for all students in Hogwarts when I say we are all very happy to have the students and Headmasters of Beauxbatons Academy of Magic and Durmstrang Institute here with us tonight.”

We could do with one less student, Magnus couldn’t help at thinking, eyeing the Durmstrang girl with undisguised dislike.

“As you all know very well, our fellow magical schools that are grassing us with their presence today,” Magnus huffed and rolled his eyes, glaring at the girl again, “are here because of the Triwizard Tournament, which our school will host this year.”

“Now, I’m sure you’re all very curious as to who will be the Champions that will represent each school,” Headmaster Odin continued. “Those wishing to bring honor to their school and represent it as a Champion must be seventeen or older. Anyone younger will not be permited to enter their name.”

Headmaster Gilbert stood up and continued from where Headmaster Odin had left off. “Those of age wishing to enter as Champion must write their name and their school clearly on a piece of parchment.”

Headmistress Sonia stood up and picked up from where her fellow wizard left off. “The potential Champions will have from the end of tonight’s dinner until the start of tomorrow’s feast to enter their name in the Goblet of Fire.”

As if on cue, a large chest that had been placed in front of the teacher’s table burst open. Blue flames erupted from inside, making every students in the Hall gasp in surprise. Once the flames calmed down, a beautifully sculptured goblet was seen hovering of the chest. Covered in gold, only the students sitting the closest to the teacher’s table were able to make out the scenes depicted on it. The valuable stones set about an inch under it lid gleamed in the lights of the Hall. Flames burned inside it, the bright fire dancing dazzlingly.

The entire Hall applauded loudly, amazed by the sight they just witnessed. Dinner was served once the students finally calmed down. Food from each different country served. Throughout the entire dinner students were asking each other if they would enter their names in the Goblet of Fire or who they thought would be picked.

///////////////

Magnus, Alex, T.J, Mallory and Sam were huddled together near the entrance of the Hall of the Slain. They had arranged to meet there before breakfast to enter their names.

“So who will go first?” Mallory asked, holding her own piece of parchment between her fingers.

“Can I?” T.J asked enthusiastically. Given his love for Quidditch, he had been hyped about the Triwizard tournament since the get go. He was a hundred percent ready to support whoever the Hogwarts Champion was, even if it wasn’t him.

“Go ahead.”

T.J walked to the Goblet of Fire confidently and let his parchment fall in the fire. The fire spiked up, turning momentarily blue before changing back to its warm orange.

One by one, they all put their names in the Goblet. Magnus felt self-conscious as he put in his. He knew very well there was no chance he’d be chosen and being seen entering his name by all these people made him feel awkward, even though he knew everyone over seventeen would be entering as well and only three of them would be chosen from all schools.

All of his friends seemed like better options than him, though if he had to bet on whom, his money would either go to Sam or Alex. Those siblings could kick some serious ass.

The flames were blue again as Alex was entering her name when that girl showed up. She was no longer wearing her fur coat but her heavy boots clicked against the stone hallway.

“Well, if it isn’t Alexander. How nice seeing you here, how are you?” The girl’s accent wasn’t nearly as thick as the one of her Headmistress but it was still very obviously there. Despite her words being kind, there was a very obvious tone in her voice that let anyone within earshot understand she meant them in the least kind way possible. She might as well have said “How are you? I hope you’re dying”.

Alex went pale when she saw the girl standing behind her, hips cocked to the side and a smug expression of her face. “Go away, Helga,” Alex said sharply and tried to leave. She had absolutely no interest in talking to Helga again – she’d left her behind when she left Durmstrang and her parents’ house and had made a happier life for herself at Hogwarts. Helga had no right coming back in her life and messing things up.

“My, is that how you speak to your old best friend?” Helga spoke in a mock hurt voice, pouting at Alex like she hadn’t made her last months in Durmstrang hell on earth. She dropped the innocent tone when she went on talking. “Now I can see why you never had any friends at school. It surprises me you have any here. Well,” she laughed, a sound that should have sounded nice but instead sounded like nails scratching a chalkboard, “it surprises me that you are even here. I was expecting to see you in some freakshow, not Hogwarts of all places.”

Alex felt herself get angrier and angrier. Her fingers and her joints were tingling with energy and she wanted nothing else but to punch Helga in the face and break her pretty little nose. She took a deep breath through her nose and willed herself to calm down. Helga wanted her to react and she wouldn’t give her the joy of knowing she got under her skin. “I told you to go away. I don’t want to talk to you.”

“Aw, don’t be like that. I just wanted to enter as Champion and see the competition.” Alex clenched her fists, trying not to do something she would regret. That stupid cow has the nerve to act like she’s the victim here. “But,” Helga kept going, “if all Hogwarts has to offer is people like you and terrorists, I’m pretty sure it’ll be an easy win for me.”

Gasps were heard and Sam went pale. If Alex was mad before she was furious now. How dare she talk like that about Sam? Sam, who had treated her like family and made her realize the word could mean something other than pain, Sam who was brave and selfless and ambitious and an absolute queen. Helga wasn’t good enough to clean the mud off Sam’s shoes. Your problem’s with me bitch, leave Sam out of it.

“What makes you think you’ll even be Champion?” Alex snapped at Helga, her voice as sharp as a knife.

Helga laughed. “You and I both know I’m one of the best students in Durmstrang and the Quidditch team’s best player. Who do you think would be Champion?”

“Hopefully not Bitch MacBitchson,” Magnus snarled under his breath. Or it was supposed to be under his breath but he said it loudly and everybody heard him. Including the bitch in question, who stared at him with the most offended expression Magnus had ever seen.

She quickly composed herself before speaking, her attention now a hundred percent on Magnus. “And who are you?”

“I’m Magnus Chase,” he said confidently. He was so angry at this girl for what she had done to Alex and how she was talking to her and his friends right now that he didn’t pay any attention to the fact there were students gathered around them watching what was happening. “I’m Alex’s friend and if you’re really that confident you’ll be Champion then just put your bloody name in the Goblet and leave because I think seeing a Troll in person is scaring some of the younger students.”

As per teenage fashion, the crowd of students broke out into a loud chorus of “Ohhhhh!” Helga was red in the face, obviously furious. Magnus felt so proud of himself as he watched her walk up to the Goblet with her nose held high, ignoring the cacophony the students were creating. She dropped her name in the fire and turned around, walking straight into Alex and knocking her off her feet as she made her way to the Hall of the Slain.

“I’ll see you and your little friends later, Alexander,” she said to Alex over her shoulder, a smirk on her lips.

A hand was offered to Alex. “Are you okay?” the person asked in a distinctively French accent and Alex recognized him as the tall boy from Beauxbatons with the crazy curls (he wasn’t wearing the stupid hat any more, thank goodness).

“Yeah, yeah. I’m fine.” But even as she said that, Alex was glaring daggers, knives, swords and every other sharp object at Helga’s back. “Thank you.”

“It’s okay. I didn’t see everything, but that was really rude of her. If she wants to be a Champion she shouldn’t act like that.” The boy seemed to realize how angry he sounded and he quickly apologized. “Sorry for that.”

“Raphael!” A boy with dirty blonde hair stood by the entrance to the Hall of the Slain and waved at Raphael. “Come on!”

“J’arrive, Louis!” Raphael called out to the other boy. “I hope I’ll see you around,” he told Alex before putting his name in the Goblet and running to the other boy. They intertwined their fingers and walked into the Hall of the Slain.

“You know what I said about killing her?” T.J said. “I take it back. Let’s torture her, it’ll make the suffering last longer.”

The groups of friends chose to ignore T.J’s violent suggestion and simply nodded. They were already making lists of potential punishments.

////////////////

The day went by as slow as a snail for every student at Hogwarts, but finally the time had arrived when they would learn who would be Champions. The students poured into the great Hall, for once immediately sitting at their tables. The food of the Halloween feast was served and students eat in between talking among themselves lively. The air was filled with chattering as the last friendly dares were made about who would represent each school.

As dinner was finishing, Headmaster Odin stood up from his seat. He hit his Goblet with his spoon and a loud, crisp sound was made, amplified by magic. Everybody stopped talking at once and turned to look at him.

“My dear students,” he began, “I am sure you are all excited to learn who will be the three brave fellows to represent each of our schools in the Triwizard Tournament.” The Hall burst into applause as everybody showed the Headmaster their agreement. Odin smiled before continuing. “I assume you would prefer get to the point, as you youngsters say, so let’s see who have been chosen by the Goblet of Fire. I’m curious to find out myself.”

Applause filled the Hall once more, accompanied by howls and even cat-whistles. The chest with the Goblet of Fire was levitated on top of the small stage set in front of the teacher’s table. Headmaster Gilbert stepped forward. He took the Goblet in his hands and held it steadily.

“Beauxbatons Academy of Magic!” He bellowed in a clear voice. The Goblet’s small orange flames burst to the ceiling, turning into a vibrant, almost blinding blue. A single piece of parchment floated inside the fire, not one corner of it scorched by the heat.  

As the fire quelled, the paper floated gently onto Headmaster Gilbert’s hand. The entire Hall was watching him with bated breath as he unfolded the paper and read the name it had written on it plain and clear.

“Raphael Beaumont!”

The clapping inside the Hall of the Slain sounded like a thunderstorm as Raphael, the tall boy with the dark eyes that helped up Alex yesterday stood up. The applause only increased the closer he got to the stage, his school being by far the loudest. He made his way to the stage with his shoulders pushed back and eyes looking straight ahead, but he was obviously overthinking it – he walked like a person who put too much thought into every step and he clearly felt the eyes of everyone in the room on his back.

Raphael stood next to his Headmaster as Headmistress Sonia stepped forward. She took the Goblet in her strong hands and with the boldness and certainty of a commander howled, “Durmstrang Institute!”

Flames exploded out of the Goblet once more, tall and mesmerizing. The only thing that was heard in the dining hall as the piece of parchment floated down to her hands were quiet whispers. Unfolding the parchment with steady hands, she read in a booming voice.

“Helga Leifsson!”

Applause filled the Hall once more, but Alex and his friends refused to take any part in it. Helga stood up and walked to the stage with the air of certainty and elegance of a model, not once faltering in her step or looking scared, nose held high.

“Whoever is chosen from Hogwarts better kick her ass,” Alex grumbled, stabbing his meat with his spoon and imagining he was digging the piece of cutlery into Helga’s flesh.

Last but not least, Headmaster Odin stepped forward and cupped the Goblet in his hands, old and wrinkled head steady with years’ worth of experience. In a voice so loud you would have never thought he was capable of making, he shouted, “Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardy!”

The flames raged high and powerful, showering the students in their dazzling light. The piece of parchment floated inside the flames like one of the paper boats Magnus and his mum would make and put in a lake. The parchment drifted down to Odin’s hands and he unfolded it carefully. He read loud and clear, leaving no one in the room a doubt about the name he uttered.

“Magnus Chase!”

Magnus suddenly felt like he was underwater. He knew there was sound, he knew the other students were clapping for him to get up and go join the Champions on the stage, but it all felt like it was happening too far away. It wasn’t really him, the Goblet couldn’t have picked out his name out of all these talented people. Yet even as he thought all that, as much as he couldn’t believe, people from his table were already pushing him to get up.

He somehow found himself on his feet, moving in a daze towards the stage. He wished he was walking as confidently as Raphael or at least as elegantly as that cow Helga, but he knew he must have looked pathetic next to them.

As the metaphorical water from his ear cleaned, the sound of applause didn’t seem to come from miles away. He realized it was his four friends who were cheering and clapping the loudest, edging him on by chanting his name like Mallory (“Magnus! Magnus! Magnus!”) or saying kind of inappropriate things like T.J (Kick their asses, Magnus! @#$% them!).

His eyes drifted to Alex, who might have been the single loudest person in the entire room. He had one leg up on the table, trying to climb on it but being held back by Sam, who was shouting for him just as loudly. One of Alex’s hands was cupped around his mouth as a megaphone and his other fist was pumping in the air as he yelled combinations of Mallory’s and T.J’s encouragements.

“Go get ‘em, Magnus! Woo hoo!” He yelled passionately, scaring a few of the other Slytherins.

Magnus smiled to himself as he made the last few steps to the stage, now walking with his head held high in pride.

Each Headmaster took their Champion by the hand and raised their joined hands in the air as Odin made the final announcement of the night.

“My dear students, I present to you the Triwizard Tournament Champions!”

�Y��K

Have I told you I love writing shit-talking? Because I do. Get ready, because I have quite a few things prepared  for you >:3

[fanfictionconnectionwordpress]

Mystic Messenger Fanfiction - Vanderwood Backstory | Ch.3 The Broken Window

***This fanfiction will covers my version of Vanderwood which I rp in our Mystic Messenger Discord server. Don’t forget to subscribe to the email list for access to R-Rated Scenes and my monthly newsletter. Check out my etsy to get yourself a plastic emoji. You can also support my writing on patreon and get access to my VIP Discord Server or other goodies like early chapter releases and hidden scenes. Chapter Directory.  ~Let’s Connect! FFC***

It hadn’t taken much to get Vanderwood to move out. His father offered to train him to take over ‘the family business,’ and he was out of there. Dropping out of school was a no brainer. He wasn’t getting anywhere, and it’s not like he had a chance of getting any scholarships or grants with his grades. It wasn’t that he was stupid; Vanderwood just didn’t care. A guy in class that he would smoke with during break had mentioned that he made money on street fights, and it was easy enough for Vanderwood to climb the ranks, enough to get himself an apartment and some furniture, even a pretty decent TV.

He honestly didn’t spend money on much, so any time he made more than he needed, he sat around trying to figure out what to do with it, putting some of it into a fund for Caleb just in case the kid ever wanted to go to college. Vanderwood decided to get a tattoo, and after arguing with the artist for several hours that he only wanted demon wings, he ended up with two large half angel and half demon wings over his back. They honestly looked great, he had to hand it to his tattoo artist, and it seemed to fit him pretty well, so he walked away happy.

Caleb knew he was welcome at Vanderwood’s apartment anytime. Truth be told, Vanderwood was a little worried leaving his brother with his father and his buddies, so Caleb spent pretty much every night at his apartment. Things were simple, and the days were pretty much the same for about two years. Of course, Caleb was getting older, growing into his teenage years.

By the time two years rolled around, he wasn’t spending as much time with at his brother’s place anymore. In fact, sometimes Vanderwood was pretty sure Caleb was sleeping off a hangover at the aftermath of some high school party, and he scolded the kid plenty, but in the end, that was Caleb’s choice. Vanderwood had gone through his own weird teenage period, mostly moping in his room and ignoring everyone except for his brother.

After a while, Caleb started coming around maybe once a week, then once a month, but Vanderwood was just happy to see him. The door opened and Vanderwood looked up from the fridge. “Oh, hey, C. What’s up?” His brother seemed…oddly jittery? That was strange. Vanderwood narrowed his eyes, and Caleb just kinda shrugged, picking at the black studs in his ears. When he’d first gotten them, Vanderwood had rolled his eyes. He just didn’t get it. Granted, he had a tattoo, but Caleb wasn’t a tough guy, so him having his ears pierced just didn’t suit him.

“I need a place to crash. My friend Slim kicked me out of his place last night ‘cause I kinda slept with his sister.” His younger brother pushed his bangs back. He’d always kept his hair cut pretty short whereas Vanderwood generally let his grow out at least to his shoulders, just too lazy to cut it until he felt like he was starting to look too feminine for his own good. Other than that, Caleb was the spitting image of himself other than being thinner and less muscular.

Vanderwood snorted softly, biting his tongue a little before he reprimanded him. “You know, maybe you shouldn’t bite the hand that feeds you.” Caleb just nodded like he’d heard it all before, and at this point, he pretty much had. Sometimes Vanderwood felt like he was mothering his brother, but he had practically raised him. His brother bounced from foot to foot, still acting like someone had dropped an ice cube down his shirt. “Mind if I use your bathroom?”

That had Vanderwood furrowing his brows. “Of course not. Why would I mind? This is as much your place as it is mine, you know that.” He grabbed his wallet from the counter and slipped on his jacket. It was starting to get chilly out there since fall was coming around the corner. “I’ll be back with some groceries to make dinner.” Caleb nodded and was off toward the bathroom.

As he shopped, Vanderwood couldn’t help but feel like something was seriously up with his brother. What the Hell was that jittery thing he was doing? He felt a weird twisting sensation in his gut, breathing becoming difficult, and he blinked. What the fuck was up with him? Vanderwood felt…terrified…for some reason. It just got worse as he was checking out, and the overwhelming urge to just get home overtook him. He took off at a run, some of the groceries tumbling from his bags before he got to his apartment.

Once he was inside it seemed…eerily quiet. “Caleb?” Vanderwood placed the groceries on the counter, that feeling of his gut twisting now accompanied by a soul crushing fear. His heart was racing. Why wasn’t his brother answering? He checked every room thinking surely the kid couldn’t still be in the bathroom, but finally it was the only room left.

Vanderwood tried the door only to find it locked. “Caleb, what the fuck, open the door.” He paused waiting for a reply. “Caleb?!” Panic was setting in hard and fast. Finally, he just slammed into the door and knocked it open.  The sight that greeted him would be forever burned into his memory.

Caleb was slumped on the floor, a band tied around his forearm and a syringe on the floor. No. It couldn’t be possible. His brother wasn’t on drugs; he would never. Except right there was the evidence. “Caleb?” Vanderwood didn’t recognize his own voice, it came out choked and small. Why wasn’t his brother responding?

After the initial shock, Vanderwood was now on the floor, pulling Caleb into his arms. “Hey, C, wake up. Come on. It’s not fucking funny.” It had to be one of his brother’s dumb ass pranks, right? Just him being a little shit. Except, his brother felt so heavy, and not the kind of heavy of someone passed out after a night of drinking, the kind of heavy that was cold and lifeless.

Vanderwood felt like he couldn’t breathe. Think, think. What were you supposed to do in situations like this? He slipped his phone out of his pocket, trying to see through the blur of the tears stinging his eyes so that he could call 911 before dropping the phone on the floor and cradling his brother in his lap. “Hey, C, you’re gonna be alright. Everything’s gonna be fine. You’re fine.”

Except he wasn’t fine. He would never be fine. Caleb was dead. It took at least a half hour to get Vanderwood to let go of his brother’s body once the EMT’s actually showed up. Vanderwood didn’t want to believe them. His brother couldn’t be dead. Caleb was only fifteen years old. That wasn’t how life was supposed to work. He just couldn’t be dead.

***

“Hey, Vanderwood…Are you even listening to me?” Vanderwood was brought out of his stupor by a familiar voice. It was TJ, one of the other guys he regular fought with on the street. He liked to think of him as a friend, well…Not that he really had any friends. “The funeral’s over, man…It’s time to go home.”

He was right. Vanderwood had been staring at the mound of dirt six feet under which the body of his brother was. That college fund had sure come in handy for the cost of funeral expenses. He snorted mirthlessly at himself, too numb to care anymore. Vanderwood stood up slowly. “Yeah. Guess I’ll do that then.” It looked like TJ was about to say something else, but Vanderwood just kept walking, brushing past his father. Why was he even there? This was as much his fault as it was Vanderwood’s.

His father reached out to grab Vanderwood’s arm. “Hey, son. Guess with your brother gone you’re the only hope for the family business now.” Vanderwood was frozen for all of ten seconds before he turned and punched his father hard, probably harder than he’d punched anyone in his entire life. At least that’s what it felt like. “I want nothing to do with you or your fucking drugs. Your drugs killed your son. Or don’t you care?”

Vanderwood heard TJ calling out to him, but he was off, running down the street. He ran aimlessly for a while, feeling rage thick in his chest, choking him, but it wasn’t going away, so he slowed down, walking and catching his breath, his fists clenched so hard it felt like he might lose all feeling in his fingers. It was like this all the time now. The only two things he could feel were anger and nothingness.

His apartment felt cold. Vanderwood looked towards his bathroom. Every time he went in there it was like a movie of everything played in his mind. That rage felt like it was burning him now and just like that, his right fist went through his living room window, shattering the thing to pieces. There was blood all over his hand and forearm, but honestly, he didn’t care. If the neighbors hadn’t called in because of the loud noise, he wouldn’t have gotten any medical care.

As the EMT’s wrapped up his hand, he just sat there in silence, the cold wind coming through the window only adding to the numb feeling that was already consuming him. There was no one else in his corner now, just the darkness emanating from his soul. He was alone.

Like this? Want more? Become a Patron.  ~Let’s Connect! FFC

[fourteenacross]

hamilton chicago: friday, may 19

 AS PROMISED! Show notes! About the Eliza Company!

(Previous Ham show notes: May ‘16, July ‘16, October ‘16)

Pre-show notes:

There were so many stairs! Which wouldn’t have been a problem except they didn’t sell all the merch upstairs and didn’t SAY THAT until we were already up there, so I ran a marathon to get a gd hoodie. idk how those Great Comet kids do that every night, jesus

The stage is smaller or at least SEEMS smaller--more narrow. Thus, some of the choreography seemed different.

This will be the bougiest thing I type in this review, so brace yourselves: they had different signature cocktails and they did NOT have a gin cocktail and while their Hennessy cocktail was FINE, I was a little bummed.

In overview: I LOVED this cast and most of them are now my second favorites after the OBC. They were PHENOMENAL. I’m so jealous of all my buddies in Chicago who are so close to this cast.

Cast: Alexander Hamilton: Miguel Cervantes Aaron Burr: Daniel Breaker Eliza Hamilton: Ari Afsar Angelica Schulyer: Karen Olivo George Washington: Jonathan Kirkland Lafayette/Jefferson: Chris De'Sean Lee Mulligan/Madison: Jean Godsend Floradin Laurens/Philip: Jose Ramos Peggy/Maria: Samantha Marie Ware and the rest of the cast

Song-by-Song

Alexander Hamilton: It was weird not having the wild applause after each actor’s entrance, not even for A.Ham. There was nothing wrong with that, it just threw me. I could tell IMMEDIATELY that Daniel Breaker’s Burr was going to be unique. There wasn’t as much emphasis on my FAVORITE DUMB DETAIL of this song, the coat-books-bag hand-off.

Aaron Burr, Sir: Daniel plays Burr as a little more irreverent, and a little closer to ~*~historical Burr~*~ rather than Leslie’s more sleek and refined Burr. His “talk less, smile more” was almost sarcastic, and that really set the tone for him. The whole time that AHam is ranting and babbling, he looked more and more like he was trying to keep his distance, like he was already exasperated. The intros for the gang were PERFECT. They were different from the OBC, but still in the same style.

My Shot: THIS WAS SO GOOD. The moment I knew this cast was going to be something else. This song was a perfect encapsulation of Hamilvantes--frantic and desperate and defensive and ready for shit. José was a perfect hype-man, his Laurens’ recklessness really shone through, like this was what he was always primed to do and he finally found someone willing to encourage it. Chris Lee was SO funny and his accent was PERF. I’d say better than Daveed’s, but I’ll get to the issues with that later. We had an understudy for Mull/Mad, Jean Godsend Floradin, and he was SO AMAZING--he was small and somehow had all that big Hercules Mulligan personality inside of him all the same.

Story of Tonight: I will admit that this song was not as queer as I’m used to/wanted it to be. AHam did a lot more hanging off of everyone as opposed to just Laurens. Of course, no one will ever gay this up as much as Lin and Anthony.

Schuyler Sisters: SAMANTHA WARE THO. Peggy is so frustrated and angry with her big sisters at the start and that was perfect. Karen is AMAZING she brings a very different energy to Angelica in this song, more...I don’t know, like she’s rushing out there to learn, whereas Renee played it more like she already KNEW these things, but was bringing her sisters out to see it for themselves. Also, Daniel’s Burr is so full of himself and such a smarmy asshole and I LOVED IT.

Farmer Refuted: Seabury was so tiny! José Amor was just swallowed by the costume. He played the character younger and less condescending than Thayne does. Miguel had an almost angry edge to his delivery, or maybe more sarcastically vindictive. Whatever he did, it was super funny.

You’ll Be Back: This was funny? idk, I’m not into these songs as much as other people, they’re funny, but it’s kind of just one joke?

There were audible gasps during the transition, which furthers my conviction that it’s one of the three best things in the show that you don’t know about if you haven’t seen it.

Right Hand Man: Jonathan Kirkland as GWash was really good, but it took me a couple minutes to decide that/connect with him.Very commanding and frustrated in a very different way than Chris Jackson. Older seeming. I noticed for the first time the very specific desertion choreography leading up to “are these the men with which...etc.” I LOVED Daniel’s delivery of Burr’s lines in GWash’s office, particularly “from a distance.” “We keep meeting” was played for laughs explicitly, whereas on b’way I always feel like people laugh at it even though it isn’t necessarily delivered as a joke. (This line always scans as more creepy than funny to me on the cast recording.)

Winter’s Ball: Weirdly, this was the gayest number in the show? AHam and Laurens are hanging off each other basically up to the second the “ladies!” bit starts and did not seem like, totally convinced this was something worth their time? It was an interesting choice.

Helpless: My party was divided on their feelings on this song and Ari, but I came down strongly on LOVED HER. I wrote a little heart next to this number in the notes in my bullet journal. She was so cute and I loved her voice and she was perfectly bubbly and in love. Karen’s delivery of “I’m just saying...etc” was AMAZING and totally new and I loooooooved it.

Satisfied: I WOULD KILL A MAN FOR KAREN OLIVO. Her performance is basically like she’s having a conversation with herself, posing a question/problem and trying to come up with any possible solution where she wins. Like she’s working through this problem and realizing she’ll never win. It was much more...idk, interactive than Renee or Mandy? There was a lot of her delivery and face that was more animated. Her “so this is what it feels like...etc” was AMAZING, incredible, genuinely amazed and shocked that she was stymied by this guy’s brain. It’s definitely my favorite performance of this song ever. Worth the whole goddamn Chicago vacation on its own.

Story of Tonight (Reprise): Cute. “She’s married” was SO good. They were both so into it--Burr was smug and knew exactly what he as getting away with and AHam was almost proud of him for it XD

Wait For It: Daniel’s more rakish, funny Burr makes this song even more poignant, like a look into what’s beyond his jokey exterior. I connected with it SO deeply.

Stay Alive: Lee was pretty funny. I’m pretty sure Lafayette gave him the finger as he ran off, which made me laugh.

Ten Duel Commandments: Again with the “not as queer as it could be.” (Sorry, my gay, depressed, stressed out self over-relates to historical Laurens’ gay, depressed, stressed out self, so Laurens’ subtextual gayness is important to me.) (And a lot of feelings about the decision to make it subtextual in the libretto, if not in the OBC’s performance, but I won’t get into that.) (Altho I will say something about the letter hand-off at the “note for your next of kin” made it seem like the letter was specifically intended for AHam? Something in the look they exchanged on the hand-over.) José was SO tiny next to Robert Walters as Lee??? And, surprise, I loved Daniel’s delivery of E V E R Y  O N E of his lines. 

Meet Me Inside: GWASH WAS SO BIG AND AHAM IS SO LITTLE. Like, one of the few things I knew about this cast going in was that Miguel is the tiny!Ham, but Jonathan Kirkland is SO TALL! I loved AHam losing his shit, but given how scrappy and defensive Miguel plays the character for the rest of act one, I kind of expected more? GWash played it almost as if he wasn’t firing AHam, just sending him home to think about what he’d done and see his wife and cool off.

That Would Be Enough: Ari has a great voice and I love how physically affectionate she is with AHam. It felt so natural and really added to their chemistry.

Guns and Ships: Burr’s intro is SO EXCITED like he couldn’t wait to tell us about Lafayette. Like I said earlier, Chris Lee’s accent was better than Daveed’s, BUT because it was so good, I have a feeling some of the lines were indecipherable to people who didn’t know the words, despite the fact that his rapping was very crisp.

History Has Its Eyes on You: I never really noticed the signifigance of Washington handing over the sword before. It definitely felt like Washington was making sure AHam really thought long and hard about his new responsibilities before giving it to him.

Yorktown: INCREDIBLE. Mulligan’s verse was SO GOOD. This number always gives me chills and this was no exception. I always want to jump up and cheer and they def fueled that today. Also, the “immigrants” line got applause and cheers, even though a lot of the other applause/cheer lines didn’t not.

What Comes Next: This was fine.

Dear Theodosia: Very sweet on both their parts. Their voices really sound wonderful together.

Tomorrow There’ll Be More of Us: The cramped staging of this really threw me. AHam could have reached out and touched dead!Laurens. José played it kind of wistfully smiley which didn’t 100% work for me, which is probably good in the long run considering how wrecked I was watching Anthony.

Non-Stop: SO GOOD. At the beginning-- “after the war” etc--it was like AHam was trying to show up Burr in all his line deliveries. At the start of the courtroom bit, Burr looked at the audience like he was looking into the camera on the Office and it was amazing. “Constitutional convention” was adorbs--he started normal and went full on squeal by the end. “You’re a better lawyer than me” was SO GOOD, like he showed up just to announce that after steeling himself and Burr was so over it and I LOVED IT. The end was so perf and intense, specifically the “isn’t this enough”/”he will never be satisfied.” And AHam’s “look around, look around” is always one of my favorite lines.

Intermission: I am SO GOOD at bathrooms, guys, I was in the ladies room before the lights even came up all the way and out in time to grab a drink before dissecting the show with my buddies.

What’d I Miss?: Good, but not as good as I wanted it to be? Lots of little flourishes that made it his own, but not over the top enough for my preferences. (I’ve previously seen Daveed and Chappelle, so my preferences really err on the side of VERY OVER THE TOP). He kept poking Madison with his cane to get his attention, which was cute. His “I can’t believe that we are free” hit particularly hard for some reason--it might have been the angle I was sitting at and how the slaves were framed in the view from that side. 

Cabinet Battle #1: GOOD ALL AROUND A+ EVERYONE.

Take a Break: I really liked José’s approach to this number more than Anthony’s. Anthony hangs a lampshade on it, José leaned into playing a nine year old, and that works better for me. The audience LOVED Eliza’s beatboxing. And Karen and Ari are SO. GOOD. TOGETHER.

Say No To This: Samantha Ware definitely plays Maria as more complicit in the blackmail. You can tell she LIKES AHam, but she’s also an adult who knows what she’s doing the whole time. I LOVED that play on it--very different from Jasmine, but equally nuanced and interesting.

Room Where It Happens: SO GOOD. I know I keep typing that in all caps but IT’S TRUE especially when it comes to Daniel’s Burr. It’s like he so genuinely was shocked and needed to figure this out. There was so much energy at the end and his final verse with slightly different choreography was sooooooo great.

Schuyler Defeated: Good job everyone.

Cabinet Battle #2: “France” was so good, like Madison wasn’t sure if he was supposed to reply once the mic was in his face. He almost missed it. A+.

Washington On Your Side: THIS WAS GREAT. I loved TJeff’s fast verse in the middle, his realization that he needed to resign made him wide-eyed and bowled over. Madison directed his “which I wrote!” at TJeffs and Burr, when he’s directed it off stage the last few times I’ve seen it, like he was finishing an argument with people and then wandering into this song. Burr was def stirring shit at the start when he went up to TJeffs.

One Last Time: ALSO SO GOOD EVERYTHING WAS SO GOOD SORRY. I loooooved GWash’s “talk less” which was much more sarcastic/bemused than Chris’ frustration on that line. His GWash overall had that much more fatherly feeling to him. His riffs at the end were amazing--he went full gospel and he def had a powerful enough voice for it.

I Know Him: Good, etc.

The Adams Administration: King George is much more involved in this number than he’s been any other time I saw it. I didn’t dislike that? I’m neutral on it.

We Know: Good. One of my other fave lines is in this song and I wasn’t super into the delivery of it, but overall it was suitably foreboding.

Hurricane: Beautiful. I really felt it on the heels of AHam’s desperation/defensiveness in Act 1. I totally get why he would do this, even more so than usual. And there was def a little spite thrown in with his other reasons, just for good measure, which is #relatablecontent.

The Reynolds’ Pamphlet: Samantha Ware’s forced “haha NOTHING TO SEE HERE” smile added to the “she’s complicit” vibe. José was great, King George and TJeffs were HILARIOUS.

Burn: SO FUCKING GOOD. SHE WAS SO ANGRY AND UPSET. I LOVED IT. Her “I hope that you BURN” at the end gave me chills and seemed ten times more vengeful and furious than any other performance I’ve seen, which I am INTO. Give me more furious, vengeful Eliza.

Blow Us All Away: mostly fine. Philip could have been a little suaver. “Everything is legal in New Jersey” was great, I have yet to hear a bad delivery of that line, though I may be biased.

Stay Alive (Reprise): SHE SCREAMED A LITTLE! Not the full on shriek, but a tiny anguished scream and that is ALL I WANT. It totally worked for me and was one of the two things I REALLY missed from Lexi’s performance.

Quiet Uptown: Not as emotional, and not in a bad way. Everyone was a little more in control, which is a legit way to play it--more numb than hysterical. As a result, I stayed more together than usual. Karen has a great voice, obvs.

Election of 1800: Burr was all exhausted for the whole thing and I loved it. I loved his eavesdropping on the voters. Madison’s delivery of “you worked on the same staff” was great. I kind of wanted more from Burr’s face after he lost b/c he was SO EXPRESSIVE for the rest of the show. The “because I’m the President” bit was good overall, though no one will ever beat Chappelle’s delivery of that line. Burr sucking up to TJeffs and the way TJeffs and Madison broke away to have that conversation like Burr wasn’t right there. Loved it!

Your Obedient Servant: FUNNY esp because Burr is SO MAD and then so sweet on that closing lines. His "Sweet Jesus" was great. 

Best of Wives, Best of Women: I teared up. Ari and Miguel had such lovely, loving chemistry.

The World Was Wide Enough: Very good on all sides--Daniel killed it. I teared up on “Eliza!” as usual, which started tears #1. Tears #2 is “They say Angelica and Eliza.” I never noticed before how everyone gathers around Burr at the end. The end of the song was so painful and emotional, I lost it again on “The world was wide enough...” it was SO full of emotion.

Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story: I BURST into tears on “Eliza!” here too. and then just sobbed through the end. Karen was SO angry at the start of the song and that worked so well. And Ari did the look and the gasp and I am CRYING AGAIN JUST THINKING ABOUT IT (Lexi also didn’t do the gasp when I saw her and I’m slightly bitter). Then I cried for like, five solid more minutes.

Cast

Miguel Cervantes: He’s SO TINY? SO. TINY. His Hamilton is SO angry and scrappy. He def plays Ham as defensive of everything. He was incredible. He had amazing chemistry with Ari and Karen and José and a great rapport with Burr and Washington. He was SUPER flirty with the girls. His delivery of “I’m not stupid” was fab, said very plainly and directly. He had SO MUCH emotion during things like “Yorktown” and “Non-Stop.” The way he taunted Burr in “Room Where It Happens” was great--you could see his slow slide from “I want to be this guy’s friend!” to “my asshole frenemy.”

Daniel Breaker: I would kill a man for Daniel Breaker? Holy shit, I loved him so much. Like I said, his Burr is more sarcastic and funny, more personable, more goofy, using sarcasm to keep everyone at arm’s length. He was definitely invested in AHam and the gang, but kept himself at a distance. His face was AMAZING, his facial expressions were worth the price of admission. He really connected with Burr in “Wait For It.” He was so angry and betrayed at the end, and watching that drift into regret was beautiful. His “WAIT!” was chilling.

Ari Afsar: I LOVED HER. Great transition from innocent and excited and enthusiastic and lovestruck to more mature to stoic and angry. She was very physically affectionate with Ham and their love was very believable and sweet. She did the scream and the gasp, which, as I said, are so important to me. During the finale, she perfectly melded the innocence and joy of act 1 with the maturity and determination of act 2. Eliza is a kind of thankless role and it’s difficult to put enough into it to shine, I think, but she nailed it.

Karen Olivo: I WOULD KILL A MAN FOR KAREN OLIVO. She’s maybe my favorite Angelica? I liked her better than Mandy, whom I LOVED, and maybe even more than Renee. I need to listen to/watch Renee again. But. WOW. Her “Satisfied” is so different--her whole interpretation of the character is so different! Her Angelica is much more animated and nosy and involved. She had amazing chemistry with Miguel and with Ari. “Schuyler Sisters” was WILD and ENERGIZED and excited. When she came out for WLWDWTYS, I was honestly shocked by how fierce she was.

Jonathan Kirkland: I was a little unsure of him when he first came out, but he totally sold me. His GWash was incredibly paternal, something Chris flirted with, but there was definitely a delineation there between family and duty. Jonathan plays it much more familial, which was really cool and obvs hit my found family buttons like whoa. You could tell how genuinely he cared for AHam as a person. He was more amused than annoyed by a lot of AHam’s shit. He also felt OLDER than the rest of the cast, but in a different way than Chris did.

Chris De’Sean Lee: SO GREAT. His French accent was so good--better than Daveed’s--and his rapping was A+. He’s definitely my second favorite Lafayette. He was very playful. His Jefferson was very good, but not as good as I wanted it to be? There was a little something missing in comparison to Daveed and Chappelle.

Jean Godsend Floradin: He was an understudy and I was SO SURPRISED because he really owned the role! He was tinier than the traditional Oak!sized Mull/Mad in my head, but just a fierce and scrappy. His verse in “Yorktown” was intense and he was so funny as Madison. He had great partner-in-crime chemistry with Laf/Jeff.

José Ramos: His rapping voice was incongruously deep! But he really established the angry shit-stirring recklessness of Laurens. His Laurens was FIRED UP to kick ass and take names. He was also SO SMALL compared to everyone but AHam, but ESPECIALLY compared to Lee. “Ten Duel Commandments” was so funny when they were back to back. He was fierce, though. His death scenes were a little too wistfully smiley to me, but still better than Thayne’s Musical Theatre Smile death scenes. Philip was GREAT--he leaned into the tininess at the start of the act. He was great during “The Reynolds Pamphlet” and his interactions with AHam were great.

Samantha Marie Ware: REALLY GREAT. I saw Sasha Hutchings as Peggy/Maria and was not so impressed. It’s a tough, thankless role and hard to make something of it, I think. Jasmine, of course, completely turns the role into a highlight of the show, but it’s not easy. Samantha NAILED IT. Her Peggy was almost argumentative in “Schuyler Sisters” and her Act 1 interactions with everyone, esp the sisters, were great. Her Maria was AMAZING. She played Maria as at least partially complicit, but with mixed feelings and it worked SO WELL for me. 

AND THAT’S THAT. We didn’t stage door because we literally forgot that was a thing, we were so pumped from the show. Let me know if you have any questions, I am HAPPY TO ANSWER THEM to the best of my ability! 

[skaerkilde]

dadsona content

i tried drawing my dadsona, and i got upset, so i wrote about him. good dad content below the cut!

KRIS ROCKWELL

"Quiet Dad"

LIKES

- crystals

- flowers

- pop punk rock

- molecular biology

-metaphysics

-Kurt Vonnegut

DISLIKES

- socializing

- the Endangered Species List

- first impressions

- seafood

-mathematics

-Ernest Hemingway

DADBOOK

"nothing ever got where it was without being invited first" -me, about spirits

hi, i'm kris. i may look mean but i'm not that mean. i can be mean, though, so watch your back. i also make a mean blackberry pie. let me know if that interests you.

On a Friday Night you are most likely to....

read a new book while listening to jazz. It relaxes me.

If you had one thing to take with you onto a desert island, what would it be?

my collection of oreserved seeds. I could grow a garden.

What are your turn-ons?

using plant genuses at petnames. don't call me a rose, call me a rosa synstylae.

What did you want to be when you grew up?

honestly? i wanted to be a action hero. like, the kind of guy who does parkour on rooftops and gets into high-stakes knife fights on top of casinos in monte carlo.

What's your favorite movie genre?

novel adaptations that stay true to the book. i have been burned too many times to count.

What's your ideal date?

we go to the botanical gardens and i name all the flowers. you tell me i'm the prettiest flower of all. we make love underneath a crepe myrtle (lagerstroemia indica), and then we are chased out by security. we also do this in a museum, a butterfly habitat, and possibly the opera. we take the crepe myrtle with us.

What do you never leave home without?

a bag of at least 20 crystals and a good book.

I spend a lot of time thinking about:

whether or not my chakras are open, balanced, and flowing. i don't know shit about my own chakras.

~

Settling into the neighborhood was pretty easy. I'd met most of the neighbors, all of which seemed to be fathers, single or no. It's kind of weird that we'd moved into a neighborhood of nothing but dads, but maybe that was a sign? Birds of a feather, or something like that.

With Amanda off at school, I had the house and whole day to myself, so I decided it was time to get cracking on some unpacking. Heh, Amanda would roll ehr eyes at that. I got up from the couch (my bones cracking a little, yikes), and started working on unboxing the kitchen. I don't know how much more I could've taken of Amanda dipping her hands into ehr cereal bowl because we hadn't unpacked the spoons. I raised an animal.

In the midst of lining my never-opened glass spice shakers into their unused rack, there was a knock at the door. I wondered if it was Joseph coming by to invite us to a church function (I'd seen flyers advertising the 'Maple Bay Unity Church's Start-of-Summer Block Party' posted on nearly every street lamp), or maybe Amanda just forgot her keys. Funny, she usually screams until I open the door.

It was neither. Instead of Joseph or Amanda, I was faced with a tall bear of a man holding a very tastefully arranged flower basket. Were those carnations? Ooh, fancy.

For a moment, the man didn't say anything. He just stared down at me with these intense violet eyes, framed by a mane of curly, cowlicked blonde hair that somehow looked both messy and carefully pinned. I cleared my throat.

"Um, hey... Did someone send these for me?" The man's face turned bright red, highlighting the otherwise pale freckles splashed over his nose and cheeks.

"U-um, no, I-"

"Dad, speak up!" From behind the man appeared a preteen kid with identical blonde hair pulled into pigtails. Their eyes weren't quite the same, more on the blue end of the purple spectrum, whereas his were on the red. Emboldened by the child, he spoke a little mroe confidently.

"I'm Kris, I live right across the street." The kid pointed to the house across the way, a nice little two-story with no lawn, just a continuous flowerbed. Huh. That must be where the flowers came from. "My daughter- er, son, and I wanted to come over and say hello."

"Hiya! I'm Penny." He smiled, revealing a little gap between his teeth, where something either fell out, never grew in, or just grew apart. Kris smiled, but not big enough to see if he shared the trait.

"Yeah, he's my little buggaboo. It was actually his idea to bring you, um... this." He held out the basket of flowers, which, when thrust right in front of my face, actually smelled amazing. I didn't even knew carnations had a scent.

"Uh, great! Thanks! I'm Otto, and my daughter Amanda's actually off at school right now, but you'll probably see her around." At the mention of Amanda, Penny was practically right  on my toes.

"You have a daughter? Can she come over? I can show her the fairy rings!" Kris tugged gently on one of Penny's pigtails, and he responded by reaching up and pulling on his dad's beard. Huh. Alright then.

"Pen, you can't show someone the rings until they've paid tribute to the gentry. You know that." He didn't seem like he was just humoring his kid's imagination, it sounded like he... actually believed it. He was either sincere, or one hell of an actor.

"I'll let her know she was invited. And thanks for the flowers, you didn't have to buy me any."

"I didn't. They came from my garden."

Oh. Right. Duh.

"They're more special if they're hand-picked. They're just a little something to... welcome you to the neighborhood." Kris's face turned red again, and he tugged on Penny's hair again, this time two short, quick pulls. This time, Penny did not pull back.

"Daaaad, you said we'd get ice cream after this. Can we go now?"

"Alright, alright, steady your wings. Sorry to cut this short, but kids, you know?" He shrugged and smiled, though I sensed a little something else in it. Nerves?

"Right, I gotcha. Thanks again for the flowers, and I hope we see each other around!"

"Yeah, yeah, of course. Take care." Kris whipped around and took hold of Penny's hand, almost sprinting across the street and back into his house. Before the door closed, Penny turned and gave me a big wave. I don't know why, but I got the feeling that he was trying to get away from me. Was he just nervous? Actually, that seemed pretty likely. He handled it with grace, though.

I closed the door and set the basket of flowers on the coffee table, hearing a dull 'thud' as i set it down. Huh, weird, Flowers aren't supposed to be that heavy. I stuck my hand into the center of the arrangement, and pulled out a small leather bag tied with a ribbon. Unfurling it, I found that the bag was full of... nails.

What?"

Digging through the flowers more, I found a small, handwritten note attached to a the stem of a yellow carnation. In uneven, loopy letters was a short note.

"Iron for the fair folk. Can never be too safe. Welcome to the neighborhood! -Kris & Penny

I set the bag of nails on the table, and decided to look up what the 'fair folk' was. In any case, it was nice of Kris to warn me about them.

[magus-of-the-color-pizza]

The 5 gods of Amonkhet

As I have alluded to several times, I am very, very excited about Amonkhet (sidenote: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH). Today we got this piece of news, which I posted a couple minutes ago. There are many noteworthy things in this article. An analytical person would go over them all, giving them each a decent amount of thought.

But I don’t work like that, guys. You should know that by now.

Let us focus (someone else will talk at length about the rest) on the final two parts of the article. Firstly, those basic lands are absolutely gorgeous (’nuff said), and, if my sources are correct, 1 in 4 boosters will contain a full art land, so yay!

At the end of the article, @wizardsmagic​ decided to delight us by giving us a couple images “without context”. There are a total of 8 images.

The first 3 are of member of the gatewatch in Amonkhet, chilling. We got Gideon looking stern as always, Lili enjoying herself (love this art) and Nissa being Nissa.

BUT AFTER THAT!

WHOOOOOOOOOOO BOY.

We have 5 images of what are, I assume, the 5 gods of Amonkhet, created by Nicol Bolas himself.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Am I an Egyptologist? No, absolutely not. Do I have any sort of degree when it comes to Ancient Egyptian Mythology? Again, no. Am I of Egyptian descent? Also no. But do I have an interest in Egyptian Mythology that I have been cultivating since I first learned about it in History class in Elementary School? You BETCHA. I also have an egyptian sideblog, @horusiswatching. Fun stuff.

I will be talking about them under the cut, in case people want to avoid spoilers:

Now! Let’s take a look at these 5 gods! I have to say, not only do they look glorious, the artists did a good job of showing us that they are artificially created (the gold plating of their body) while also elevating them very much above “huge robots”. Also, remember that, as they did in Theros, there may not be a 1 on 1 correspondence: some may be a mix between two or more. Nevertheless, I am very satisfied with the results. Also one thing to mention is we don’t know what color combos we’re dealing with (Single-color? Ally Dual? Enemy Dual? Mixed Dual? Three seems unlikely), so I’mma be doing a lot of guessing.

First one up, Mega-cat!

Ok so this god takes from Bast and/or Sekhmet, the two major feline goddesses in Egyptian mythology. I wrote a short introduction for Bast on my secondary blog, @horusiswatching​, a while back, you can find it right here.

Bastet and Sekhmet are two separate entities, but, funny story, they are somewhat linked. Back before the unification of Egypt, aka when it was split into two parts, the two filled very similar roles of lion goddesses of War. Bastet was worshiped in the Lower Egypt (the northern one lol), whereas Sekhmet’s home was the Upper Egypt (south). After the unification into a single Egypt, given the similarity in their role, Bastet begin to diverge, eventually shifting into a major deity of protection, depicted as a cat rather than a lioness, rather than of war. Sekhmet remained a bloodthirsty lioness (for simplicity’s sake, we will currently not address her other side, Hathor).

So! Given this information, and seeing that her art is the most solemn and has the most white in it, I’m going to guess that this card will definitely have White in it. If we have dual colors, either White/Red or White/Green. Either way, looooove it!

MOVING ON

HI SOBEK HOW ARE THINGS

Ahem, this here is clearly inspired by the crocodile god Sobek! Now Sobek here is, as is relatively normal in Egyptian Mythology, the god of... a lot of stuff. Most importantly, though, he is the god of crocodiles (duh), fertility and of the Nile (Poseidon is like the greek Sobek, only less badass). Sobek may seem cool but he’s not exactly the chillest dude ever. In fact, he’s an aggressive and animalistic god, living up to the vicious reputation of his patron animal. But! He also helped Isis put Osiris back together (long story) and is a protector deity. For these reason, I’d expect this god to be in Green/Red or maybe (?) Green/Black.

NEXT

IS THAT A DOG? NO! IT’S A JACKAL (actually it’s the African golden wolf but w/e)!!!

The god this one takes from is Anubis! The jackal-headed god of cemeteries and mummification (he really knows how to liven up a party, trust me)! He was initially lord of the underworld, but later that role was taken up by Osiris. One of Anubis’s main roles was to help souls cross into the afterlife. Not only that, he assisted in the Weighing of the Heart, the process in which a soul’s heart would be weighed in order to determine whether it was worthy to enter the realm of the dead. Anubis may look intimidating and his role is kind of grim, but he’s actually not as “evil” as you’d expect a jackal that guards cemeteries to be. He’s a good boy. Because of this, I’d expect this god card to show up in Black, Black/White... or maybe Black/Blue?

Oh, also, a friend of mine mentioned that this god appears to be a female (and therefore cant’ be Anubis). To that, I’d like to remind you all that Theros’s Poseidon was female. Case closed.

TWO MORE LEFT

AN IBIS GOD! GOOOD LORD!

The most known Ibis god there is is Thoth (aka Djehuti, but no one calls him that nowadays)! Thoth is god of... wow, he’s actually the god of a lot of things. He’s the god of, and I quote, “Knowledge, the Moon, Measurement, Wisdom, the Alphabet, Records, Thought, Intelligence, Meditation, the Mind, Logic, Reason, Reading, Hieroglyphics, Magic, Secrets, Scribes, and Writing”. In addition, he later took on the role of arbitration of godly disputes. HOLY MACKEREL! Thoth is a busy guy, indeed.

In case it wasn’t pretty obvious from that list, Thoth has “BLUE” written all over him. I’d guess he’ll either be Blue, Blue/White, or... Blue/Green?

AND NOW, LAST BUT NOT LEAST!!

GIANT SNEK

Now, those who know nothing of Egyptian mythology don’t know who this is. However, I do believe that there will be people, with a modest (look I’m not trying to belittle you or anything) amount of knowledge of egyptian deities who knew of alll the previous gods, but not this one.

Now, to be fair. You might’ve guessed Apophis. Apophis was the biggest, baddest snake of alll Egyptian Mythology, it was chaos incarnate, it was Ra (the king of all gods)’s biggest enemy (I wrote an introduction on Ra here and on Apophis here). But here’s the thing.

I believe this is not based much on Apophis, a primordial force of chaos and destruction, literally the nemesis of gods, but rather on Wadjet (not to be confused with the Wadjet that is the eye of Horus/Ra)!

You might think “never heard of her!” And you may be right, but I’m willing to bet you’ve seen her multiple times! You know the little cobra that sits atop of the pharaoh’s crown? That’s her, that’s Wadjet!

Wadjet is another god of protection, particularly of the land and of the pharaoh. She is one of the oldest deities and was, before the unification, the protector deity of the entirety of Lower Egypt. Also, being later associated with Ra as a patron deity, it was said that she had the ability to spit fire (the way a cobra would spit venom). I believe Wadjet has enough wiggle room that wotc could go in a couple directions, but I expect her to be Red, possibly Red/Green or, who knows, Red/Black if they take elements of Apophis.

So let’s take a look back at our colors. We have

Bast/Sekhmet: W; WR; WG

Sobek: G; BG; RG

Anubis: B; WB; UB

Thoth: U; UG; WU

Wadjet: R; RU; BR

To be honest with you, if I had to pick one of these, I’d definitely go with the enemy colors, but hey, I’m not wotc.

Also one last thing I’d like to point out in this article is that I was surprised by the absence of a Ra/Horus inspired god, but after thinking about it for a little while I believe it makes sense. Ra was the main man after all, and this pantheon of gods was created by Bolas to serve his own needs. Why make one of them reign over the others when the all bow down to him? In that way, Bolas is the Ra of this set (and Horus is very, very closely related to Ra, so he was probably taken out of consideration for that). Also the fact that Bolas’s return will be heralded by the specific positioning of the two suns of Amonkhet, and Ra was, you guessed it, also the god of the Sun.

Anyways! I’ve forced myself to be coherent for far too much now, I’m wrapping this up so I can go back to screaming at my friends about this! I hope you all enjoyed reading, stay tuned for more Amonkhet deliciousness!