#see this is why you shouldn’t be gay you get trauma and framed for murder

[i-bit-the-dust-it-was-yummy]

[oldphone-whodis]

How much money do I have to pay for any form of writing on a shikamaru jinchuriki au

No money at all, my good dude. Here! How about the classic introduction scene of the Squad meaning their Jonin Sensei? It took a while, but I like how it turned out and hope you do too!

And just a note, since there's a lot of swaps, many (but not all) characters will be part of different clans. I'll make a post of the swaps later.

Rating: T (for some cursing)

× × ×

His team. His team is an equal balance between an absolute disaster and a dream come true!

On one hand, he has a better chance at befriending Chouji now. If only the boy will look past his ingrained prejudices and see Shikamaru for who he is -- just a chill guy who wants to be friends. Damn all the adults in the village for deciding that just because the Kyuubi was inside of him, he himself was to be treated as that beast. (Honestly, he'd learned that fact very recently.)

Sure, Shikamaru may go out of his way to act out from time to time, but they're all for a good cause! People just just tend to look at his art and call it "illegal" and "vandalism of public property."

Truly, it was a mistake on his part. Next time, he won't paint his artworks on the Hokage Monument. Or he'll at the very least use paint that cleans away with water. He wasted hours cleaning that up while Mikoto-sensei sat with him to make sure he got every last bit of it. It was so… troublesome.

His other teammate is -- for lack of a better term -- a total bitch. Hanabi. He doesn't care what sort of trauma she's gone through. A tragic backstory doesn't mean she can go around manipulating her fanclub into doing dangerous stunts for her amusement or making them buy her snacks on a whim! Why does nobody else ever do anything about her?

Shikamaru himself just prefers to stay out of her way as much as possible. Though he does intervene when it comes to Chouji. He can't stand how often others take advantage of the boy's friendly nature. And Hanabi truly finds some sick pleasure in seeing the others around her do her bidding, no matter how outrageous. He can't let that happen to Chouji.

So Shikamaru has his long-awaited Genin Squad of the person he likes the least and the person he likes the most.

It's been one hour now after everyone else's Jonin Sensei have come to retrieve them, and their Squad -- Squad 7! -- is all that remains. If Shikamaru knew their Sensei was going to be late, he would've went straight for a nap. He stayed up all last night.

"Our Sensei still isn't here," Shikamaru sighs finally, breaking the silence. "I can't sleep because they couldn't be here any minute."

Chouji looks up as if curious when Shikamaru stands up. Confidence thoroughly boosted by the attention, Shikamaru strides down a couple steps to the chalkboard and begins on making his newest artwork.

And by the finish of Shikamaru's interpretation of an improved Konoha, their Sensei is still missing. Two hours late now. And pettiness boils in his heart as he picks up the chalk eraser. He knows it won't work. He knows! But on the off chance that maybe it will, Shikamaru places the chalk eraser in the space between the sliding door and the door frame.

"Shikamaru, what the hell do you think you're doing?" Chouji asks in disbelief. "That's our Sensei! You can't just do that! They'll hate us for sure if that's what you do."

Shikamaru is temporarily conflicted. Give in and remove the eraser for the sake of preserving the very small relationship he'd gotten between himself and Chouji? Or does he keep it to satiate his pettiness powered by a need for vengeance against their Sensei?

"Agh! Fine, I--"

Before he can even finish his sentence, the door slides open and reveals a… very distinct man, to say the least. And he now has chalk dust all over his head.

"My first impression of you in that you're very unyouthful!" the man exclaims. "One of out five stars! Would not recommend!"

All three of them cringe in unison at hearing the man say such a thing. Is this guy really a Jonin? And a good enough one to train Genin? Shikamaru, in that moment, has his doubts. Surely this is a joke, and their real Sensei will walk in any moment now.

"See Shikamaru!" Chouji exclaims in distress. "I told you you shouldn't have done that!"

Shikamaru just sighs. Damn his faulty impulse control.

"Okay! You three, meet me on the roof!" the man -- presumably their Jonin Sensei -- orders them before disappearing in the blink of an eye.

× × ×

"Okay, let's do introductions," their Sensei says.

"Introductions?" Chouji asks warily. "Like what?"

"Yeah," Shikamaru points out. "We could use an example, so why don't you go first?"

"Great idea! I am the very youthful Maito Gai! I like youthfulness and I dislike unyouthfulness!"

Shikamaru can't help but mostly zone that out. Youth this, youth that. What the hell is this guy even saying? But he thinks he's getting the general idea of what Gai-sensei wants from them.

"And finally my dream is…," he trails off as if lost in a very heartfelt memory, which is frankly a little concerning. Should Shikamaru go to the Hokage and petition for a new Sensei now?

"Anyways, just like that!" Gai-sensei says. "Now, you first, with the ponytail."

"Uzumaki Shikamaru," Shikamaru introduces. "I like napping, I guess? I don't like…"

He doesn't like Hanabi, but he doesn't want to make himself a target for her. He doesn't like the people in the village who give him those looks, but he doesn't want to get into that. Maybe he should just skip that, say he doesn't particularly dislike anything. Yeah.

"…I don't really dislike anything specifically," Shikamaru continues. "Hobbies? I'm good at art, I guess. And my dream… Hokage."

The Hokage because if he's Hokage, he can make some much needed changes. Such as fixing that lacking education system. He gets a headache every time he hears someone call the Byakugan a "Sharingan". Definitely fix the education system.

"Nice! Now you!" Gai-sensei points to Chouji.

"I'm Haruno Chouji," the boy says softly. "What I like most is… uh, barbeque. I like barbeque! And my hobby is rating different restaurants around the village. And my dream…"

Chouji glances over to Hanabi with a smile. Shikamaru isn't even sure if she's paying attention. Of course, Chouji's dream would be to finally hook up with Hanabi. Shikamaru wishes he could show Chouji what a demon she actually is.

"And what do you hate?" Gai asks.

"I hate how Shikamaru won't even give Hanabi a chance!" Chouji exclaims. Ouch! Does Chouji think Shikamaru is being unfair to her? He isn't! She actually is a terrible girl. He spend a few months trying to be nice to her after he heard about the incident, but she just doesn't care. All she wants is to see the world suffer and burn. He just knows it.

"Right…," Gai-sensei says as if a bit uncomfortable. "And our last person?"

"My name is Hyuuga Hanabi," she says, emphasizing her name to prove some unknown point. "Likes, dislikes. I'm sure you'd like to know."

He can just hear her calling them plebeians and pissants in the undertones of how she speaks. And Shikamaru wonders how she's gotten through life this far without anyone else getting pissed at her with the way she talks.

"My hobbies," Hanabi says and chuckles darkly. Shikamaru doesn't want to know what that's supposed to mean.

"And my end goal?" Hanabi leaps to her feet and slams a fist against her chest. "I will murder the one I hate most, once and for all!"

Shikamaru shivers and scoots as far away from her as possible. What the hell is her problem? Does she really have no life outside of… whatever hellhole she's trapped herself in? She has too many problems and not enough therapy.

Shikamaru makes a mental note to add that to the list of things that will have to change when he is Hokage.

"Okay then," Gai-sensei says with a nod, now looking a bit more serious. "Now that we're done with our… very passionate introductions, I must tell you about the test tomorrow."

"A test?" Chouji asks and Shikamaru can't help but share the sentiment.

"Yeah, what kind of test?" Shikamaru questions warily.

"It's a survival test," Gai-sensei says, "and your opponent will be me! Prepare for tomorrow -- anything is fair game! -- but you can't eat breakfast because you'll just puke it all back up! Be at Training Ground 3 at dawn! See you then!"

Before anyone can ask any further questions, Gai-sensei is gone, leaving his three students blinking in his dust. That was… very quick.

Nonetheless, Shikamaru will be heading home and start on his petition for a new, more suitable Jonin Sensei for the three of them. It will take some time though. And some reading up on Konoha Law. What a drag.