#see like i can at least comfort myself with the soap opera that is sports

[cementcornfield]

the presumed joemarr fight is so delicious for the narrative i cant lie but goddd bengals get your shit together 😭

lol no i totally agree, honestly i’m just defensive about ja’marr, because the way some fans are blaming HIM for this loss??? like my man was actually the best player on the field (besides the punter lmao) so fuck off about that! 

BUT narratively you’re so right. like i really wish i could have been a fly on the wall (field?) during that conversation. ja’marr all frustrated coming off the field and asking joe why he underthrew him, joe also frustrated about just…everything in general, but explaining to ja’marr that he he did it on purpose to try to SAVE him from getting hurt. ja’marr wrestling with conflicting emotions of a. being touched by that, b. being frustrated that they didn’t score because of that decision and c. being secretly anxious that joe didn’t think he could run through the two safeties in time (watching the film analysis myself, he most likely couldn’t have without getting hit HARD but if a WR isn’t overconfident then are they really a WR?)  

and then joe also struggling with his own emotions of second-guessing himself (DID he make the right call?) and being anxious that ja’marr might be doubting his throwing ability and/or decision making. and why shouldn’t he, he’s been fucking up all game! (joe would say to himself. because he’s incredibly hard on himself. i don’t think this.) 

and yeah, these two are good at talking about plays on the field. but how would they deal with the EMOTION of it all. especially with a loss on top. and uncertainty going into THE biggest opponent next week. 

LOTS of potential for delicious narrative angst, is all i’m saying. totally agree with you anon, thank you for stopping by <3 

[jennilah]

What's your favourite saw movie? And how would you rank all of the saw movies?

I love saw 4 [I know alot of people hate it, but I adore Daniel rigg, therefore it's my comfort movie]

omg what a difficult question LOL but i have attempted to rank them for myself before..

funny, my ranking now is completely different from my first impressions

anyway get ready for another signature long, way overthought answer filled w series spoilers

disclaimer, being low on the list here doesn't mean i dislike the film, actually. there are none I truly dislike, its just I love the top ones so much that it simply pushes every other down

i was just gonna describe my top 3 and then vaguely rank the rest but i think ill describe all of them. so, in LOOSE order of fave to least fave (def not set in stone)

Saw VI: has my favorite scenes with my favorite character, the FBI plot is thrilling, William Easton's game is one of the best, every trap is memorable to iconic, technical things like the cinematography and lighting and set design is mwah chefs kiss. And, its one of the most satisfying films in terms of finally getting answers to mysteries that have been teased for 3 movies straight, and finally seeing Hoffman get his comeuppance. The last moments of that film are some of the hypest shit. I put this one on when I need to see my man and im craving peak soap opera vibes but in all the best ways

Saw X: As much as I love the investigation plotline, I love how this one takes a step back and you truly get to be with John and Amanda all movie, they got to really spend time on the emotion and heart of the film, and again, it has some of the most memorable and exciting sets and traps, as well as some of my favorite player characters. Cecelia, my queen. it also has i think one of my favorite finale scenes of all of them, where we get to see John in a trap himself!!! and the hello Zepp moment being just. perfection. 👌 I put this one on when I want my Saw-watching experience to feel like a sporting event from thrill and great subtle humor, but i also need to be in the mood for the emotional beats bc they hit pretty hard

Saw II: I will sing this film's praises whenever I can. Its a fantastic sequel and I will tell u why. Aside from Saw X this is practically the one other film where John actually gets a spotlight and he eats up every scene. This fuckin guy. One of the funniest films to rewatch after knowing the signature Saw twists- this dude drops so many foreshadowing comments its honestly impressive and comedic. The nerve gas house is also one of my favorite games, and I love seeing Amanda get a spotlight too. You also get a taste for what the franchise has in store when it comes to the camp and soap opera plotline, so as long as you're into that, its one of the most fun Saw films. I watch this one when I want a more lighthearted Saw experience where it really feels like John and Amanda are up to mischief

Saw V: A little on the slower side, I actually appreciate that this one is mostly about providing much-needed answers and backstory. If you hate Hoffman, I get why this one could be a slog, but I adore him so I'm fine. As for Strahm, this one really shocked me. I thought he was gonna be a one-movie type deal just be killed off at the very start, but he SHOCKED me. U get to watch someone survive a trap, a RIGGED one no less, and go from kind of a cocky asshole to the baddest bitch on the scene. He singlehandedly figured out Hoffman's deal and took it upon himself to stop him, procedure be damned. I was rooting for him so hard, man. I also really like the Fatal Five. And the Glass Coffin. Listen, it's pretty obvious why I'll put this one on.

Saw: The OG. What more is there to say. It's original, it's exciting, it redefined a genre whether you wish it did or not, it's got the craziest early 2000's flare, it's got mystery, it's got drama, it's got it all. I put this one on when I want to go back to our ✨roots✨

Saw IV: Initially this was probably my least favorite but now that I can tell Hoffman and Strahm apart, now that I adore both of those characters, now that I know the plot like the back of my hand so I'm not confused by the copious flashbacks and general lack of answers given and new questions asked, I love it just like the others. Rigg is also one of my favorite game-players, he's just so good and wants to save his friends, watching him mentally toil over everything is really exciting. The traps are also fun. And every Strahm scene. (also this movie is filled with really hot men and lots of fanservice for Jennas like me to enjoy, and enjoy even more with shipping goggles on)

Saw III: This one I love for the progression of Amanda and John's complicated dynamic and lore but I also can't rewatch it often because it's so damn sad, and gross. This one is probably the grossest one between the multiple vomit moments and pig vat. Ugh. But, every Amanda scene, my god. My precious girl. I want to scoop her into my arms. I love her so much. This one I've only watched twice, Im due for another stoned midnight rewatch soon.

Saw 3D: They can't make me hate you. I haven't rewatched this one yet, but I'll rewatch moments for a laugh. I like the potential- all the ideas they had, like the original film callbacks and bringing back Lawrence as an apprentice and finally showing someone dying in the damn RBT, and even the furthering of Hoffman's mental downfall which I'd argue started in 5, were intriguing on paper, but the execution was a bit awkward. I like Hoffman's rampage though. Hoffmanator, my problematic fave, really playing into my love for slashers there

Spiral: this was a Scream movie. but, I like Scream. ill rewatch it one day when im in a specific mood i think. maybe

Jigsaw: meh. dont hate it but i have no desire to rewatch. i do think Logan coming back would be the funniest shit ever

[runswith]

Travel diary:  Casablanca.  Entry 2 – Saturday, February 28, 2004.

Though Casablanca is the largest city in the country, a modern center of business (as the guidebooks chant over and over), it appeared tired, rundown, shabby in yesterday's post-rain afternoon light, as if slowly breaking down beneath the sheer weight of high population and widespread poverty. Heavy traffic circulated through the streets below (older vehicles, mostly, including weary-looking, rust-streaked city busses), bicycles and pedestrians threading their way through it with little concern. Compared with Madrid and Sevilla, it suffered. And of course I looked at it through the prism of my own mindset, not at its finest right that nanosecond in the wake of language gap, general airport scene, wildass, death-defying ride into town. To the point that I gradually realized as I sat there that a part of me wanted to curl up into a ball and pass out for a good long while -- part sleep, part fetus-like retreat. Either do the fetal thing or call my travel agent in Madrid, change my return flight from tomorrow to today. The guidebooks I've read say there's not much to do in Casablanca, touristically speaking -- the prospect of walking its crowded streets for two days didn't seem hugely appealing. And on the heels of that, I became aware of another part of me, feeling what I can only describe as glee at the fact that I'd just arrived and had already been neck deep in adventures. Goddamn, I found myself thinking, staring out over the downtown, the tower of a distant mosque visible above surrounding buildings, what an experience.

An hour later: me, out poking around the downtown area, trawling for an ATM, checking out stores, restaurants, people.

And the people here are unbelievably interesting. Like the city itself, a messy mixture of cultural elements -- Arabic, French, Spanish. Skin colors and ethnic types from all over the Arab world. Business suits, hooded desert robes, streetwear you'd see in any occidental city. Most, though not all, women sporting the hair shawl, a few completely hidden away in burkas. Cafés everywhere, virtually all the clients men, drinking coffee or tea, reading newspapers, checking mobile phones for messages. One thing I noticed: the city seems mostly dog-free (in wild contrast to Madrid). The upside of that: poop-free sidewalks (in wild contrast to Madrid). Depending on where you go, however, Casablanca compensates for the poop deficit with garbage or mud. And compensates for the canine deficit with feral city cats, looking reasonably healthy and comfortable with their lot. I found my way toward the Medina, the old walled neighborhood -- the original site of the city before the French arrived and tossed together the current impressively alive, untidy monstrosity -- now known for the market that sprawls through most of the quarter's streets. On the way in, I found myself behind three Dutch 20-somethings, two males, one female, all in jeans/t-shirts. On impulse, I drifted along in their wake. A few Moroccan males they passed whipped their heads around to watch the young woman, their stares burningly intense. Friday, it turned out, is the market's least active day due to religious observations, the atmosphere was quiet. Interesting, but not scintillating. I drifted along (buying nothing, endearing myself to no shop folk) -- man, talk about an overabundance of shoe stalls -- passing different cassette tape stalls, each playing music, one song fragment giving way to another as I walked. Somewhere in there, I became aware of a soap opera playing on television sets in various shops. A badly-acted soap, Arabic dialogue and melodramatic music following me along several narrow, winding streets until I passed out of the Medina into afternoon sunlight and traffic exhaust.

A nearby park presented itself, my butt settled onto a bench near a busy street/sidewalk. Buses, cars, trucks. Mopeds, bicycles, motorized carts loaded down with produce or scrap metal, young males hanging off on all sides, the odd bicyclist holding on for a free tow, looking like a slightly goofy pilot fish. I sat, pulled out a notebook, began writing. A cross-eyed, limping 20-something I'd seen in the market appeared, threw himself down on the opposite end of the bench, facing away from me. Five minutes go by. He does a sudden 180, now facing me, one arm up on the bench back, head resting on forearm. I continue writing, he sits there, motionless. Minutes go by. I glance over -- he might be staring at me, it's impossible to tell: his crossed eyes are bouncing around in their sockets like amphetamine-fueled billiard balls. Suddenly ready for a change of scenery, I get up and cross the street, wading out into the traffic with some other pedestrians.

[germanyinusa]

Apply for CBYX!

For those of you who have not heard of CBYX, it is an exchange program between Germany and the United States that is sponsored by the U.S. Congress and German Bundestag. For one year, youth age 15-18 live with a host family and attend German high school. Going the other way, German high school students do the same here in the U.S. Best part is that CBYX is a full scholarship! Sound intriguing? We hope so. We bring this scholarship up now as the deadline for applications looms in the distance--December 1st. In order to arrange the details and finish the app in time, now is the time for action if you want to throw your hat in the ring for this prestigious scholarship.

To help you conceptualize the before, during, and after of being a CBYXer, we asked our social media expert Claire, who completed her year in 2010, to talk with us about her experience.

What made you initially apply to CBYX?

I applied to CBYX for a few reasons. My uncle moved to Germany many decades ago, and I’d grown up hearing this mysterious language being spoken by him and my cousins when they visited. My brother and I would sit with our German-to-English dictionary trying to pick up what was being discussed. That interest combined with a natural sense of adventure led me to favoring the more untraditional path of doing a year abroad in high school and wanting to do it in Germany. Unfortunately, being an exchange student in high school isn’t as common in the U.S. (yet), so winning a full scholarship helped convince my parents and school to support it.

How did you arrange the year abroad with your school?

Arranging a year abroad in high school is difficult if your school hasn’t had a student do it before you. I was the first at my school, and so I had a meeting with my guidance counselor as soon as I could to discuss my options. I suggest bringing materials with you about the prestige of the program, and emphasizing your flexibility. For example, I took online courses for English and History before I left for the year as they wouldn’t be comparable in Germany. I also took the SAT’s abroad as to be on track for applying to college when I returned. Basically, I’d speak in statements with your school about how you will arrange the year rather than coming with questions--as it opens up the door for them saying it isn’t possible or that you would need to repeat a year.

Was it difficult to learn German? Did you speak it before you left?

I hadn’t traveled outside of the U.S. before CBYX, so for me it was shocking to get off the train in Berlin and suddenly everything was in German--signs, announcements, labels. I had two years of middle school/high school German at my disposal which gave me limited vocab to work with. At first, I prioritized what I said because it often required running into a word I didn’t know, which was exhausting. But word by word and day by day my German improved. I was very motivated to learn because with each word I learned my daily life became a little easier and I got to show my true colors a little more. It is a humbling experience to have to lean on people a little more for help speaking or to learn the words for things, but it’s all part of the growing pains of learning a new language and tons of people have done it before you so there is no shame in it.

What was living with a host family like?

I lived with a family in a residential part of Berlin. At home in Pennsylvania, I had a single parent, was the only girl, and was the youngest of four. In Berlin, I was the middle child and had two sisters. The family welcomed me as one of their own, and despite my preconceived notion of all Germans being tall and blonde, I found myself blending in in a family of short brown-haired females. My first day with the family, my host sisters and I played dress up-- giggling as we threw leopard print bras over our shirts and wore big clown-like glasses. I knew then that I’d found myself in the right home.

At the same time, it isn’t all easy--nor is your normal family. Living in someone else’s home requires some flexibility to their set routine, and communicating why you do what you do--which your mom doesn’t have to ask because she has seen you since you were born-- but your host family has not.

What were the biggest cultural differences you experienced?

As cliche as it is, I was shocked by how blunt Germans were. I was used to a lot of sugar coating and it took a while to appreciate how Germans communicate. I also had to get used to the independence given to people my age, as there was a lot more hand-holding and rules back in the states. In Germany, I was treated mostly like an adult, which was duly awesome and scary as it meant quickly taking on a lot of responsibility. Lastly, using public transport was a big difference from taking a school bus or being picked up in a car by your parents. It put a lot of new pressure on me to know how to get home or remember bus routes and schedules.

How is German school different than American school?

German school was WAY different than an American high school. At least in my school--which was an Oberschule, I ended and started at a different time almost every day, depending on which subjects I had. I had a class of about 20 kids who I had my core classes with and my teachers rotated to us instead of vise versa. Exams made up the majority of my grade rather than homework or participation and exams didn’t include multiple choice but rather short answers and essays. Also, there was no such thing as substitute teachers, rather if a teacher had vacation or was sick, you just didn’t have that class. This said, every school is different, so yours may resemble an American school more.

Is there a “good” year to do it?

I did my CBYX program during my junior year. This is arguably the most tricky year to do it, as colleges are looking closely at your grades and most people take the SAT’s that year. It is definitely possible though and I had no issue graduating or getting into a good college. There are pros to doing CBYX as a gap year between high school and college, in that you don’t have to stress out as much about your grades at your German school and can defer your college acceptance.

Did you get to travel during the year?

I got to travel a lot. Some host families will take you on their family vacations. With other CBYXers living across the country and the abundance of train options, it is easy to visit them too. Additionally, going back to young people being given more independence in Germany, it is not unusual to go with friends to other countries and stay in youth hostels or travel in general without parental supervision.

Have you returned to Germany since?

I have been lucky enough to have returned to Germany several times in the years after my program, and also to have had my host family visit me in Pennsylvania. My host family still refers to “my bedroom” and when I’m back I curl up on the couch eating Erdnussflips with my host sisters and watch German soap operas like no time has passed. There are certainly still things about Germany I don’t understand and words I haven’t learned yet, but CBYX solidified Germany as a second home.

How has having completed CBYX helped you in the years after?

CBYX truly changed my life course, academically and professionally. Seeing an entirely different tax, welfare, and education system in Germany inspired me to study economics in college. I’ve volunteered supporting high school exchange students ever since I returned to the U.S. and have helped choose new generations of CBYXers. Speaking German has connected me with Americans and Germans alike in my city which has been the core source of a lot of my friendships. I also eventually found myself working at the German Embassy, which obviously wouldn’t have been possible without my year living there, the German skills I acquired, and the connections that came out of that. There are people who walk away from CBYX and don’t use their German again or don’t feel the draw to return back to Germany, but if you do choose to keep involved in German relations, CBYX is a very supportive, diverse, and well-connected community.

What advice would you give those applying to or on the program?

The best advice I received was as I was leaving on the airplane. A chaperone told me to “say yes to everything”. This year is a chance to try out a new sport, a new way of talking, a new style, a new way of being--lots of things that wouldn’t be possible or easy back home where everyone knows you. It is a chance to ask questions and expose yourself to new viewpoints. So just say yes. Personally, doing so led me to visiting my first nuclear power plant (I did not know the word for this and said yes anyhow) or to a planetarium show that blasted nothing but Queen (which if you haven’t done before, I highly recommend). I tried cow’s tongue, which is surprisingly delicious on bread, and fell off my bike twice during a community bike tour. I exited my comfort zone more than I stayed in it and came back feeling like I’d lived years within just one. I’d broken outside the bubble of home and gained a new understanding of myself in the process.

If you want more information on applying for CBYX or hosting a student, check it out here: http://www.usagermanyscholarship.org/

[opalmothnightingale]

Expecting Myself...

12- 24- 17 - 

What was I expecting?  Same as I like to make my life a talk show, I have been so...  I always was like a soap opera, a talk show, a melodrama and it was fully sincere, no act, no drama but real, fraught, intense wearing my heart on my sleeve, telling it all.  For me, my life has always been bold dramatic colors, high relief, barren and daring and this is perhaps why crude bold things like the circus, the fair, and so on appeal to me, while others think they’re sell outs, cheap, gaudy, whatever, fake, bizarre, an occasional diversion of strangeness, or an extreme exciting thing, maybe but not that which to aim for or need.  Joining the circus would be exciting but no dream, something to laugh at, or feel scared about, because those people...  Lol  Those people are often rough.  The carneys.  The travelling troupe of people that perform strange feats, daring things...  And I also wanted to be a musician, at once upon a time...  Up on stage, performing strange and bold music.  I wanted to do things that were the rough, on the edge, adventuring things.  

Then I spilled my heart, my guts, everything, to everyone, driving off many.  I never was the wiser, because I didn’t get it...  Why didn’t others talk openly?  Surely I was doing something good, reaching out, talking openly.  But I had no idea they felt uncomfortable, scared, confused, or upset or put off by my glaring, bold, dramatic feelings, expressions, my directly asking them exactly what was on my heart, or in my soul...

I had no idea that I wasn’t supposed to just confess it all and become quickly close to people.  I could see no use for all the boring trivial (to me) things most people talk about and spend their time on.  I didn’t realize how riveting and comfortable and pleasant it really was (for them).  I didn’t know they weren’t just skating along, bored, comfortable.  I felt surely it was lack of some deeper answers, deeper meaning...  But instead they actually rejected and acted baffled, empty, or uncomfortable when I brought up deeper things...  They wanted the shallow trivial (to me) things...  And rejected the deeper things.  Rejected the emotional things.  Completely rejected it and treated it as bizarre and inappropriate and annoying and whatever else...

All the while my whole life was revolved around things intense, whether in my inner world, my thoughts, my aims, my pursuits, or in my friendships, my lovers and our relationships, or in the attempts to talk to people, to socialize...  It was all intense, deep, vivid, direct, overwhelming for them, but just only what I needed to even feel alive, aware.  Crude, to them, too bold, not subtle enough...  But for me, why be subtle if it leads to neutral colors, calm, quiet sounds, predictable conversations and pursuits in life, etc?  I would much rather be stumbling and fumbling with boldness than to skate gently upon the predictable dull, pale life that might appear subtle and refined to some,..  I would rather be crude and vulgar and awkward and overwhelming than move like some predictable dance, a process, a filing away neatly into some organized thing...  Which made me feel like gasping for oxygen.

What did I expect, when people are like this?  I expected myself..

I am expecting to give birth...  Like I’m expecting myself, giving birth to me.  I expect my life and heart, my own soul, my energy, my dreams, my self expression and my writing...  I expect my truth, my passions, my worldview and my values...  I expect all these, and for them to follow the patterns and lines of what I love...  The guidelines I set for my life...

I have long since even pretty much given up on socializing in any normal way.  I take my strange, bold, crude and intense fumblings and outpourings to some semi-tucked away online place, the only place I can speak a word.  Because if not for being able to write on blogs I would be completely locked inside myself from all the rejection,... Except for when I desperately sought company, in a clumsy fashion, again either rejected or used or made to be fake...  The real me found not place in the outer world so thank god for the fake surrogate illusion of blogs and such...

Even though I was so alone I managed to connect spontaneously with energy, with peoples’ energy, without meaning to, without trying,...  And what, I ask myself, did I expect from this?  When I realized how little mutual and real, nothing much...  Maybe I should try to expect less...

I think I expected something though...  Because people think they can treat it like it means nothing, like it’s not real, but it’s the only real thing I have in a world of fakeness where I can’t speak another world to people because I’m rejected and don’t want it, what they have to give, what they want from me...  It’s the only illusion of being wanted, having a place, being cared for and accepted as I am...  Even if it’s illusion but since I do just spontaneously hallucinate, and it’s healing and deep when I hallucinate, I’ll take it...

What I expected though,... I guess... Something more ideal and less real life expectations or real life expressions, less real life issues...  Let’s let it be fake and not care but at least be nice if it’s all some pretend game of insinuations and implications..  Play nice, be a good sport, because what right do you have to do anything else with someone else’s game, with their heart spilling out and raw on their sleeve....  I hoped for that.  Instead of the predictable, let’s get sleazy approach or let’s play mind games approach of nothing real, nothing respectful, no fun pleasant game, just silliness with no substance...  Heaven forbid that you go too deep or get too raw.  Keep it fake, dull, shallow, predictable, instead...  That’s what people like (except I don’t, I’m the exception to the rules instead which is what I’ve said and shown all along... right.  I thought anyway).

Or I expected, something more real and less elusive, less hiding, less retreating and fleeing away.  More accountable, deep, direct and engaging, more respectful, valuing the real whole person...  Again...  Lol  What was I thinking?  That’s not how people play.  That is not how society goes.  People fake it, keep it shallow, don’t like to engage with the real person too quickly, not until maybe after a long time of small talk and more vague, subtle and bland interactions, predictable, neutral, social norms...  They all like and need that, but I do not.  I should remember that what I want is not what others want, and when they start to reflect things and insinuate it’s all a game, a trivial diversion and a role of predictable narrowness...  Or else It’s a disorderly obsession, invasion of privacy, a stalkerish mental instability... I have had that happen too...  And what I do is neither extreme but just a deep engaging..

And what I really expect is myself, but that is all I want...  When someone starts to infringe on my territory I think they’re infringing on the real me, as I am, because that is all I ever am and all I present... I forget they see  me through the vastly distorted lens of social norms and so even if I completely present my weird self openly, they either don’t want to see, can’t remember or didn’t even read enough to know what was going on at all...  

I should expect myself and then I will not be disappointed because I can give myself myself...  I can’t control what others give, take, accuse, blame, withdraw, abandon, or reject...  The games, the lack of substance, the assumptions, he stalking and invading, etc...  Can’t control it.  So why try?  

I know...  I expect...  I expect myself because I am fully wrapped up in myself and my soul and passions and energy, and spiriit, and spirit loves, with or without the mirror people... I have had these without the mirror people...  It was sometimes the most pure and beautiful things...  WIth no person’s insecurity to mess it up for me, to make me feel I’m being inappropriate, etc...

Can I turn it to that again?  Forest Spirit, save me, let me turn it to you so no person can say I’m overstepping any boundary or whatever....  I want to expect me and expect spirit and give birth to a strange, fascinating, fantastical, deep, intense, childlike and overly honest, real, accepting, flowing world... Forest Spirit, let’s do this.

Let me expect what was empty and tired to turn into you and your brilliant blazing colors and movement and contrast and sound and light, energy, bliss and silence and craziness instead...  Please let’s leave the rest of it all in the dust and explode into wild absurdity and glee and euphoric ecstatic boldness and over the top who gives a damn seizing our senseless dreams (my dreams, which you always encouraged in me).  Forget the rest of it.

I never expected from it, but just to be able to be me...  Without anyone trying to intrude and comment on my freedom to be me...  So let me resume and help me, strengthen me, emblazon me across the sky as we fly to heights, depths and other realms instead of this silly tired boring and neutral, vague, and subtle world of humans and earth, society, as if that is the end all be all.  Other realms interwoven in and out of this,...  thank you.