#see him making dazai believe he doesn’t know the truth behind arahabaki

[sugarcarnation]

bsd characters trying to use chuuya for their own gain thinking he’s an easy target because he’s easily manipulated and only has strength at his disposal vs the fandom’s insistence that he’s simply the brawn and not intelligent enough to fool people like dazai or fyodor. fight

[suicidefrantic]

Name: Chuuya Nakahara

Alias: Arahabaki, King of Sheep (Former), Twin Dark (former with Dazai Osamu), Slug, Ability User A5158 (Special Ability Department)

Hair Colour | Eye Colour: Orange | Gray (Former) , Bright Blue 

Birthday | Birth Place:  April 29 (Taurus) | Yamaguchi, Japan 

Gender: Hermaphrodite (Identifies as male) 

Age: 22 , Merged with Arahabaki at age 7

Height: 160 cm (5'3")

Sexuality: Pansexual 

Likes: Hats, Fighting, Alcohol, Rock music

Dislikes: Claims to hate Dazai Osamu 

Ability:  For The Tainted Sorrow

Affiliation: Port Mafia, Sheep (Former)

The quest to find a vessel for Arahabaki….

Chuuya was born to two loving parents, they were accepting towards their child, and wished to give him the very best of the world. Chuuya showed no signs of being abnormal at his birth aside from him being born a hermaphrodite rather than one specific gender --- though his parents would have happily allowed their child to choose their ideal sex when the time came. However, that time would never come. It was all due to the appearance of Chuuya’s ability that began to draw unwanted attention to the small ginger who didn’t know much about the world. He was two years old when his ability first manifested itself. The ability was harmless, simply throwing small fits if he didn’t get his way and floating up to the ceiling and away from his parents--- sometimes just being found sleeping up on the ceiling rather than where his parents had left him (this was how they had discovered Chuuya’s ability.)

Chuuya’s parents had two names picked out for their child, for a boy Chuuya--- for a girl Chiyura. Though they had decided they would let the child choose once they became of a decent age where they knew what they felt most likely, but decided on calling their child ‘Chuuya’ until that time came. They were loving and accepting parents, but life wasn’t meant to be simple nor loving for Chuuya. By the time he turned five the government had set their sights on the young gray eye boy, seeing potential in him. In fact they had a firm feeling that this child was the one who would bond with the god, Arahabaki, in the future. They sought to make a deal with the child’s parents, offering to buy the ginger from them--- only for Chuuya’s parents to refuse. The government were forced to take the child by force instead and to do so they made sure they disposed of Chuuya’s loving parents. What was worst was the young child could only watch as he was carried away and the sound of gunfire was heard and the spray of blood. Something inside Chuuya broke that day , he couldn’t fight back as he was forced to sleep soon after he saw the blood fly up into the air. 

When he awoke he found himself completely stripped of his clothes and in some weird testing chamber, submerged in water with a tube shoved down his throat. His body was pressed tightly into a ball and he couldn’t move. He continued to fade back and forth into consciousness,fluids were pumped into his veins to test his body to see if it was in fact compatible with Arahabaki. Chuuya was not known as his name but rather as Ability User A5158 . He was branded with that ID upon his neck , a fact that Chuuya was not completely aware of. By the time he turned six, that was when he began to hear a voice in his head. At first, he believed he was hearing the men in the white lab coats talking to him through some odd device, but it was different. He didn’t feel alone, it was like someone else was with him. Yet at the same time, they weren’t the same either.  Though all of this changed when Chuuya turned seven and the entity got stronger. 

His body couldn’t handle the sudden burst of power and the gravity manipulation only grew more and more until finally an explosion happened. Chuuya blacked out, though he could only vaguely remember being tricked into saying some passage or saying--- “ Oh, Grantors of Dark Disgrace, Do Not Wake Me Again.” That was enough for the small seven year old to break out of his prison and create mass chaos. Though since the merging was still new, Arahabaki fell asleep leaving Chuuya freed and very confused. Arthur Rimbaud was the one who had truly been responsible for trying to use Arahabaki--- thus freeing both the God and the child that was now his vessel. This is the main cause for why Chuuya and Arahabaki both lost their memories of anything prior to this--- though not many of Chuuya’s original thoughts had remained behind to begin with as Arahabaki had been feeding upon the child trying to absorb him and make him into his own body--- thus making the child’s existence fade away. 

Chuuya could recall the existence of Arahabaki ,which was surrounded by blue-black darkness and sealed away-- though only vaguely. He however has no clue how the seal was removed, he could only vaguely recall someone’s hand pulling from the seal and freeing him (a thought that later appeared after he got over the shock of all that had happened prior to him being free.) Chuuya decided he would do anything in order to find the truth about his origins. 

-Chuuya was brought in to Sheep by one of the council members by pure accident. It was a happy accident, especially once word got out of what Chuuya’s ability was. This led most of the Sheep members (who were old enough) to take turns raising Chuuya and training him how best to fight. 

-Chuuya had no memories, but it was another happy accident that he could recall his original name, Chuuya Nakahara. This only happened after a nasty blow to the head during training one day. Prior to that, he was simply going by the name of “Lost Boy.” Chuuya didn’t really care for that name and honestly thought of just making up any name, anything was better than Lost Boy. He didn’t know why he hated it so much. 

-He continues to claim he will grow, but deep down knows he most likely will not. He secretly hates himself due to his hermaphrodite status. Thus claiming he would rather not get too close to anyone, shamed by how his body didn’t look like what he believed a ‘normal’ male should. Yes, a little Chuuya was curious one day. 

-He used to like milk, but now can’t stand the taste of it due to being forced to drink it so much . Milk did not help him grow. 

- Being merged with Arahabaki is why he has such a low tolerance towards alcohol. He doesn’t understand such, though he loves the taste of wine and doesn’t consider himself a lightweight. 

-Once when drunk he declared he was a God while standing on top of the bar. This did not go well for him in the end.

- He can sometimes hear Arahabaki and actually has conversations with him, or attempts to. The God is protective enough of his vessel to not allow him to die too easily. Though figures if he did happen to die within the right conditions, he could snag his body. Chuuya hates Dazai because he can easily allow Arahabaki the right conditions if he let’s Corruption last longer than fifteen minutes. Arahabaki’s strongest times where they can converse is when Chuuya is asleep. 

-Chuuya’s dreams are typically filled with chaos and destruction. He however does wonder what the life he forgot was like. 

-He has a collection of Fedora hats, because he has come to like the style. His favourite besides the hat that used to belong to Rimbaud is a white fedora with black around it. 

-He feels most at ease around Kouyou (Ane-san), especially when she strokes his hair. It easily calms him down, even when he is in extreme anger like state. She is also the only one he has ever confined in about his ‘self image issue.’

- Chuuya was once forced under a psychiatrist’s care, prior to Mori stepping in to ‘sort things out’. Chuuya was diagnosed with paranoid personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder. Chuuya was not happy being held hostage. He was drugged and could not use his ability, and it was the only time he could not hear nor feel Arahabaki. He was there for exactly a week. He couldn’t help but feel like Mori might have done this on purpose, at first he had blamed Dazai though. He didn’t share either thought out loud. 

-Chuuya’s eyes used to be gray, but upon being poked and tested on(not to mention merging with Arahabaki) they turned bright blue. 

-He has a really good singing voice. He is typically embarrassed about it unless singing drunken karaoke. 

- He is one hell of a cook, something he downplays a lot. 

- Because he had no memories of his childhood, he tried to give himself a childhood (which he was robbed of). He came up with this on his own, and even kept it a secret from everyone (until later when he told Kouyou about it.) Growing up in Sheep was a blast, but he knew deep down that Sheep was not exactly a normal childhood. 

- Since  he lived like he did when he was in Sheep, he enjoys the finer things in life. He especially loves lobster.

-He does sometimes get lonely when he is in his place alone. He was used to Sheep for the longest time and sometimes this causes nightmares. 

-He keeps a journal (diary) , as well as writes and sketches from time to time to center his mind. 

-He once made a drunk video once and sent it out. He still doesn’t know who has the video and who has seen it. Dazai was the first person whom he sent it to. This was one of the very reasons why Hirotsu started supervising (babysitting) Chuuya when he went out drinking--- even taking his phone away when he tried to call Dazai. 

- He is very competitive, especially when it comes to games. 

-He has had some very interesting dreams, that were nightmares. He calls them the what if dreams or exploration. They make him wonder about his life, and his choices. He typically will begin to ponder about his life after waking up from these dreams. 

-He has a strong fear of dogs, he doesn’t know why.

-He has a tendency to bite the inside of his cheek … a lot. 

-He has slight issues with his vision. It isn’t anything noticeable as he has perfect vision--- though he believes it is a side effect from Arahabaki being merged with him. He sometimes gets dizzy spells and his vision gets blurry. He keeps this to himself , as he doesn’t need people to think he is weak. 

-He wonders sometimes how long he has to live before Arahabaki takes over him and he dies. This is a recurring nightmare for him. He doesn’t allow it to change how he goes through life. If he dies, he feels like it might as well be going down fighting rather than sitting around doing nothing. At least he was free. 

-He has a fear of enclosed spaces , thanks to certain flashbacks he gets from time to time in them. 

-He has a tendency to break things he touches sometimes. 

[strawberry-devil-fruit]

I Kept My Melancholy and My Agitations Hidden

https://archiveofourown.org/works/19048714/chapters/45247036

Chapter 5 of A Waterfall Framed in Summer Leaves

Can be read as stand-alone. Warnings: suicidal thoughts, intrusive thoughts, language

“I have always shook with fright before human beings. Unable as I was to feel the least particle of confidence in my ability to speak and act like a human being, I kept my solitary agonies locked in my breast. I kept my melancholy and my agitation hidden, careful lest any trace should be left exposed. I feigned an innocent optimism; I gradually perfected myself in the role of the farcical eccentric.” - Dazai Osamu, No Longer Human

Chuuya’s still formed grazed Dazai’s eyes. The redhead remains asleep three days after their mission; where Dazai almost failed to nullify Corruption.

There is so much guilt. He can’t get his head around it all. Every thought plagues him in a flurry of what if and I almost lost. Dazai struggles to keep in his chair. His legs bounce up and down restlessly. His hands clasp each other in a desperate game to stop from unwrapping bandages and scratching.

Dazai goes through the same old motions; thinking of death; wanting to die. He is so deep in, and Chuuya is a blur before him.

There is no hope for me. I’m such a burden. I’m faking it, I’m fucking faking it.

He squeezes his hands tighter. Dazai can’t shake it away. Guilt guilt guilt. Burden.

All the things Dazai does, all he feels—never a positive emotion—is just another stupid, stupid annoyance on everyone around him.

I’m a waste of time. So stupid. Worthless. Absolutely worthless and stupid and hopeless and fuck me, I should remove myself from everyone. I take up too much space.

Despair bubbles in a vicious energy, and his legs stay persistent in their bouncing. He can’t slow down; his thoughts, his legs. It’s too painful.

Dazai wants to sleep, lay down and sleep. Be encased by the warmth of his blankets like a coffin. He wants to stay like that forever, never wake up.

He’s falling. Falling fast or slow, Dazai can’t figure out, because he is endlessly confused and doesn’t know where to start. He remembers Odasaku advising him to organise his thoughts, take a breather, relax his muscles. Odasaku sure as hell wasn’t a certified therapist but this is where he should begin. Do this now and see where it takes him.

Dazai wants Chuuya to wake up…

I should stop asking for things. He brings his clasped hands to his forehead and presses them there with enough pressure to ache. Hope is useless, I’ve learnt that in the past. Dazai knows that’s not him talking, but the voice is so convincing, so soothing and understanding and helpful. I don’t know what to do. I’m so scared. I hate this life.

The thoughts are dizzying—his entire state is. The pain exhausts him and arouses the lingering sting in his arms.

Dazai curls in the chair, draws knees to his chest and buries his face in the dark.

I need to get my shit together. Stop thinking, stop thinking!

Mori will be back soon. He can’t show weakness or Mori will take advantage and exploit him.

Fuck fuck fuck… what am I doing?

Why can’t I focus?

He grits his teeth and almost screams but Chuuya’s unconscious grimace of pain distracts him.

Dazai’s mind tarries in fog, and Chuuya is quickly removed from his attention. The fog is as immovable as trying to swat a broom at the wind in hopes of it going away; Dazai grasps at nothing, finds no way out.

He draws inward, lets the world close tight around his awareness. Sink in, think of nothing.

Just enough, it has to be enough. But Mori will see through it, he always does.

The mantra of just enough carries through and resonates at Mori’s arrival.

Dazai stays quiet, making the words louder than the clacking shoes and doctor coming around him. He zones out as Mori hovers over Chuuya. It takes the weight of the world to focus on Mori when Dazai is addressed. Two minds in one; to continue the mantra, to listen to words he doesn’t want to hear. Comprehending them is both minds combined. He’ll need to sleep two days after this, the prediction rings in his bones.

“The entire gang,” Mori starts. He doesn’t need to say more.

Dazai meets steely violet eyes. “They had us surrounded. I was left with no other options.”

“I’m sure you could have found another way if you truly set your mind to it,” Mori’s tone is scheming. Dazai feels familiar shivers in his body and the immense urge to run. “But, of course, you forced Chuuya to use Corruption,” a glance to Chuuya, “and nigh on lost him, I suppose. Foolish.”

“I… I didn’t—”

Mori snaps over him with a croon, “Oh, but you did, Dazai-kun. You know you did.”

Mori is trying to get to him. Dazai knows that. His instinct is to break eye-contact and squeeze his eyes shut in defence. All he can do is shake his head as Mori continues to lean over him, too close—

“What do you intend to achieve from this?” Dazai breathes out.

“Your utmost subservience,” Mori states it like it’s obvious.

The door clicks closed and Dazai can finally take in air properly.

He hates himself so much more now. Not for Chuuya almost dying, not from Mori’s words… Himself.

For making the decision to return to the Port Mafia in the empty wish that it could save him, Dazai hates his guts more than ever.

A rustle draws his eyes to Chuuya who is… not so motionless. Dazai blinks blearily as he takes in the twitching fingers and shuffle of shoulders, foggy brain too slow to comprehend what is occurring before him.

Dazai snaps into awareness as he registers Chuuya’s scarcely open eyes, and leans closer to his partner. Only three days, that’s not too bad, he’s alive, oh thank god.

“Chuuya…” Dazai whispers, and he grabs Chuuya’s hand in his own, squeezing as tight as he dares. Chuuya’s gaze rolls over to him, straining as his head doesn’t follow. He raises his other hand, and Dazai understands the message.

He takes a glass of water from the bedside and helps Chuuya sip down a bit. Dazai relaxes back in his chair as Chuuya swallows.

Dazai knows he should say the words, but he can’t get them out. The number of times he’s spoken them in his entire life… Dazai can count it on one hand… one.

“I’m sorry,” and it’s genuine enough that Chuuya’s eyes widen. Dazai stares down at their intertwined hands, No Longer Human actively pulsating through his hand into Chuuya, suppressing the anger of Arahabaki.

“Wha—what for?” Chuuya clears his throat, and his voice still comes out dry.

“For… almost losing you. For almost being too late,” Dazai admits.

Chuuya blinks, “Well I’m here, aren’t I? What does it matter that you were almost too late to stop Corruption? And… honestly, the words don’t suit you, so keep them in there, please.”

Of course I’m saying sorry. You almost died. Why are you forgiving me? After everything I’ve done, how can you forgive me?

Dazai strains to keep awake and aware, focusing on Chuuya’s face, the acceptance in his relaxed expression, as if there was nothing to stress over and no one to punch.

“I can help you but you’ve got to want to be helped.”

What? Help me? Dazai tries to think of the many reasons why, and each plausible idea he strays from, because surely they are not so bad he needs help? He can get through it on his own, always has. Why should Chuuya help him, when the man spent every moment expressing his hatred for Dazai? It made no sense to him, and he didn't have the energy nor the mental capacity to figure out why Chuuya was offering help.

“You’re so messed up and yet you refuse to do anything about it. It’s obvious that you’re in pain. You hide it behind jokes and glorious ideas about how you want to die, without letting anyone remember that you do, actually, want to die,” Chuuya says, and the matter-of-fact way he puts it sends Dazai reeling back.

“So what?” Dazai clips. “There are plenty of people like me.”

Chuuya rolls his eyes, “Well, yeah… but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get better. Recovery is always possible. And it’s not just you’re suicidal tendencies. Your past is still affecting you, in negative ways, and too much to be bearable. You’re back in the Mafia, after all.” Chuuya turns his head now, stares directly into Dazai, into his soul, his mind, seeing everything he wishes to stay hidden.

“Can we stop talking about it? It’s stupid anyways. Let’s move on,” Dazai wriggles in his chair, looking away from Chuuya’s scrutiny. Who cares what happened in his past? That was years ago, it doesn’t matter.

“Then at least tell me something? Tell me something and I’ll leave you alone today,” Chuuya persists. And Dazai can see, that even saying something small will get Chuuya to lay off until Dazai can gather himself together. Maybe… maybe telling the truth for once will ease a little of the pain.

“Fine… I feel stuck. I feel stuck, and all the while everyone continues to move on without me. They have their paths, they aren’t lost. They aren’t frozen,” they don’t have Master to think about, they don’t have to dream of his presence every night. They don’t have to dream of Mori, either. Dazai has said his part. He doesn’t need to speak any longer.

................

Dazai stares into water, rushing by as slow as time. The river glistens white with moonlight, and the cool breeze makes the water shimmer. Dazai draws his coat closer around himself and crosses his arms. His mind is dreary, aching for sleep, be it eternal or until the sun rises.

I used to believe I never deserved love… And now I know it for certain: I’ll never deserve love. It’ll be better this way. Oh, how easy he had slipped into his demonic persona, eighteen once more and delighting in the pain he could draw from victims. All it had taken was Mori’s order and a knife in his hand. He is cruel. Too cruel to live, too cruel to be on the side that saves people. How can I be good if I can only do what is evil?

One step… One step is all he needs to reach the water, fall into its depths and never come to the surface again. One step to feel the ache of his lungs as they are deprived of air and frozen by the cool water. One step and his heavy coat will drag him down to the riverbed like an anchor. One step to try and end it all, pass into hell, escape the living. The temptation is almost too much to handle, to resist.

“Are you going to drown yourself?” Dazai doesn’t bother to spin around. It’s Chuuya, the pissed off voice enough of a marker. The steps approach him, near silent on the grass. “Seriously?”

“Did you expect any different?” Dazai asks. It’s a lie, he won’t attempt to die tonight, regardless. But Chuuya doesn’t know that, and he doesn’t need to know.

“I gave you everything. Before you left and even now, when you finally come back. When will you repay me?”

Dazai can’t bring himself to answer, too shocked by the sincerity of Chuuya’s words. He has been foolish, to not pay attention to Chuuya. His partner is right, he needs to repay him in someway, give back what he has always taken for granted. All those times he treated Chuuya as a dog, taken advantage of Corruption, ordered him around, not once giving control to Chuuya. Too hard, it’s too hard to go on, he’s a mess, he’s worthless, doesn’t deserve to live. He should take that final step, and would, if not for Chuuya who would save him again, like every other time he has.

“Why did you go the first time?” Chuuya asks softly. Dazai can understand. Chuuya is loyal. He puts everything into protecting those he loves, answers to, and he does everything they ask of him. So when Dazai left after Oda’s… after Oda’s death, of course Chuuya felt betrayed. Chuuya feels too much, wears his heart on his sleeve. He must have been crushed by Dazai’s abrupt departure.

Dazai shakes his head minutely. As much as he wants to speak, tell Chuuya everything, he doesn’t want to talk at all. Keep silent, keep it all locked inside, keep him from being vulnerable.

“Am I just a toy for you to play with and cast aside?” Chuuya growls. Dazai doesn’t reply, gaze fixed on the water. Go away, please. I’m sorry, I’m so damn sorry… but leave me to die. It’s what you want, right? You always go on about how much you want to kill me, want me dead.

Like his thoughts were spoken aloud, and perhaps they were, to Chuuya, his partner leaves, footsteps quieter as the distance between them stretches. Dazai shrinks at the anger radiating from Chuuya. He can feel it from here. No doubt Chuuya will be heading someplace to start a fight and drink his rage away.

Dazai should accept his help, he really should. But he can’t bring himself to when Chuuya will evoke in him so many emotions that Dazai doesn’t know how to navigate. It strikes in him a fear of the unknown. After living in darkness all his life, and still to this day, Dazai can’t let the light in. He can’t predict what it will do to him, and Dazai always knows what will happen next. He doesn’t want that structure disrupted. Dazai will do nothing, for he cannot accept Chuuya’s help. But… even without it, Dazai still feels those same emotions he wishes to run from.

“Is this what humans feels like?” Dazai whispers, and a warm trail streams down his cheek, again on one side, then the other. He reaches up a hand, feels the tears escaping him. “If it is, I don’t want it.”