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gendercensus · 6 years ago

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Gender Census 2019 - The Full Report (Worldwide)

This is a long post! You can see a summary of the big three questions here.

Hi and welcome to this year’s worldwide report based on the 11,242 responses to the Gender Census, which ran from 25th February until 30th March. It was mostly shared on Tumblr and Twitter, with some Reddit and Facebook and no doubt some one-to-one link-sharing too.

You can see the spreadsheet of results in full here, which might be helpful if you need to see graphs or figures in more detail. For the charts and graphs of statistics over time, the summary spreadsheet can be found here.

Q1. IDENTITY WORDS

As in previous years, I asked: Which of the following best describe(s) in English how you think of yourself?

Here’s the top 5:

nonbinary - 66.6% (up 6%)

queer - 43.0% (up 40.1%)

trans - 36.6% (up 1.8%)

enby - 31.7% (up 7.2%)

transgender - 30.4% (up 2.5%)

I put queer in bold because it’s new to the list, and the way it’s rocketed to second place is very unusual... and a little suspicious.

The wording of the identity question carefully avoids mentioning gender so that people without genders feel comfortable answering (or not answering), but it’s not really meant to include sexualities. The exception is sexualities that are part of someone’s gender identity, like this comment that someone wrote into the identity checkbox: “femme lesbian (sometimes i feel like lesbian *is* my gender)”

So anyway, last year queer got 2.9% (over the 1% threshold), and I personally know people who feel that their gender is queer, so I added it to the list. Usually when terms are added as checkbox options it might multiply their popularity by about four, but 43% is way too high to be explained by that. Queer is usually used to describe sexuality, so I think perhaps people who identify as queer in terms of their sexuality might have been selecting it too. I’m considering changing it slightly, to something like “queer (as gender identity)” to clarify it for next year. It’s possible that we won’t know if this percentage is due to bad survey design for a year or two.

(Edit: Some feedback on queer and my response to the feedback can be found here.)

Along those lines, several terms were added to the checkbox options this year because they were typed in by over 1% of participants last year:

queer

genderless

demiboy

demigirl

gender non-conforming

There are now 28 terms in the identity checkbox list, and as usual there were people expressing gratitude for the abundance of checkbox options in the identity question. However, there has also been an increase in people entering words into the textboxes that are already in the checkbox list. That means that people are missing or are not able to find the identity words they connect with more than last year, and it doesn’t help that the list is randomised to reduce primacy and recency bias.

Right now I add words to the checkbox list if they reach 1%, and this year for the first time I am considering adding another system for removing words that are not used as much. You can read a blog post I wrote about that here. I concluded based on the results of the 2017 survey (which asked for participants’ ages) that some words that seem to be used less overall are used more often by participants over 30, and since participants over 30 are underrepresented in online surveys generally I will be keeping any word that they enter over 3% of the time even if the word isn’t used as much overall.

Relatedly, I didn’t ask for ages in the survey this year, but I will be collecting information about age in future surveys to make sure that I don’t remove words and accidentally alienate underrepresented age groups. (The age question will be optional and will give age ranges rather than asking for an exact age, so hopefully that won’t make people feel too uncomfortable.)

This year someone complained for the first time that I was excluding words from other languages because I specify “in English” in the question, and if you know me from previous surveys you know that’s the opposite of my intention! Every word entered is counted, and I’m very aware that people use words from other languages while speaking English. So I’m considering rewording the question, but I welcome feedback on this since I’ve never had anyone complain about this issue before and plenty of people already enter non-English words.

And here’s this year’s top 10 words and their popularity over time:

Those two lines shooting up from 2018 to 2019 are two of the words newly added this year: queer and gender non-conforming. That green line starting near the bottom in 2016 and steadily increasing over time is more like what I’d usually expect - that’s enby, which is now up to #4 on the list.

There are no new identity words to add next year; the closest to 1% was butch with 0.7%. However, since I intend to collect information about age and since people often type, for example, “girl but not woman, even though I am not a minor”, I will be splitting girl, woman, man and boy into separate checkboxes next year.

2,021 unique identity words/terms were typed into the “other” textbox, including 413 that were entered more than once. The average number of type-ins for people who actually typed words in was 1.8, and the average words per person overall was 5. Most entered 4 words:

Q2: THE TITLE QUESTION

I asked, Supposing all title fields on forms were optional and write-your-own, what would you want yours to be in English? I also clarified that participants should be currently entitled to use it, so they should have a doctorate if they choose Dr, etc.

There were 5 specific titles to choose from, plus a few options like “I choose on the day” and “a non-gendered professional or academic title”. Participants could choose only one, with the goal of finding out what, when pressed, people enter on official records forms and ID.

Here’s our top 5:

No title at all - 33.0% (up 0.6%)

Mx - 31.3% (down 1.3%)

Mr - 8.7% (up 0.2%)

Non-gendered prof/acad. - 5.5% (up 0.1%)

Ms - 4.7% (down 1.0%)

Here’s how that looks compared with previous years:

Mx and no title switched places again for the fifth year in a row! And this year I made a similar graph but without Mx and no title. They always get way more than everything else, and it makes it really hard to see what’s going on in the lower half of the graph!

That rollercoaster of a red line is because in 2018 I specified that “non-gendered professional/academic title” should be one that the participant should be entitled to use, which caused that significant drop.

The most popular five “other” textbox titles were:

M - 28 (0.2%)

Comrade - 17

Sir - 10

Mrs - 9

Ser - 7

As with last year, I invited people who chose “a standard title that is used only by people other than men and women” (2.5% of participants) to optionally suggest titles that they’d heard of. The goal is to find a popular title that is considered exclusive to nonbinary genders the way Mr is generally considered exclusive to men and Ms is to women.

243 people checked the “standard exclusive nonbinary” title option, and here’s everything entered more than once:

Mx - 16

M - 4

Xr - 2

Mrs - 2

Mx is generally considered gender-inclusive by people who are familiar with it, especially if their title is Mx, but it’s high on this list because Mx is very well-known generally. M in French is masculine, but in English it’s not gendered and I assume it’s pronounced “em”? (That seems to be what people have said in the notes, but please do tell me if I’m wrong!) It was also the most entered title in the “other” textbox. Xr is new to me, I’m not sure how it’s pronounced.

Q3: PRONOUNS

The fourth question was actually a complex set of questions retained from last year, which started with Supposing all pronouns were accepted by everyone without question and were easy to learn, which pronouns are you happy for people to use for you in English? This was accompanied by a list of pre-written checkbox options. It included “a pronoun set not listed here”. and if you chose that it took you to a separate set of questions that let you enter up to five pronoun sets in detail.

As usual, everything that was a pre-written checkbox option got over 1%.

Here’s the top 5:

Singular they - they/them/their/theirs/themself - 79.5% (up 2.1%)

He - he/him/his/his/himself - 30.8% (down 0.4%)

She - she/her/her/hers/herself - 29.0% (down 1.9%)

None/avoid pronouns - 10.3% (up 0.2%)

Xe - xe/xem/xyr/xyrs/xemself - 7.2% (down 0.2%)

Here’s how that looks over time:

Because singular they, he and she always do better than everything else, let’s look at that chart without them. Every other specific pronoun set got under 8%.

Here’s the top 5 textbox neopronouns, none of which got over 1%:

ne/nem/nemself (singular verbs) - 27 (0.2%)

ve/ver/verself (singular verbs) - 24

ey/em/emself (singular verbs) - 23

ae/aer/aerself (singular verbs) - 22

thon/thon/thonself (singular verbs) - 18

(I’m going by the subject, object and reflexive, because that seems like the best way to collect similar sets together - eyeballing it, the most variations occur in the possessives.)

Half of participants don’t like he or she, and 9% like neither he, she nor they. 695 unique sets of neopronouns were entered by 574 people, of which 84 were entered more than once. The average number of pronouns entered was 2.2, and most people (39%) were happy with one set.

Overall it looks like there are no neopronouns really gaining in popularity, and even the checkbox neopronouns are being used less since 2015.

THE QUESTIONS I ASK

What should the third gender option on forms be called? - Still no consensus, but nonbinary is at 2 in 3 people and it does seem to be gradually climbing.

Is there a standard neutral title yet? - Not yet. Mx is still consistently far more popular than all other titles, but just as many nonbinary people want no title at all. It’s really important that activists campaigning for greater acceptance of gender diversity remember to fight for titles to be optional, too.

Is there a pronoun that every nonbinary person is happy with? - No. The closest we have to a standard is singular they, and it’s important for journalists and anyone else with a style guide to allow it. It’s levelled out at about 1 in 5 not being into singular they, and 9% of us don’t like he, she or they pronouns.

Are any of the neopronouns gaining ground in a way that competes with singular they? - No. This year the closest is “Xe - xe/xem/xyr/xyrs/xemself” (7.2%, compared to singular they’s 79.5%). Users of these neopronouns will probably not reach consensus for many years - language and especially pronouns can be very slow to settle and gain ground. Even if one neopronoun does become very commonly used, many will continue to use other neopronouns for a long time to come.

THIS YEAR IN REVIEW

Crowdfunding was successful enough that I have a little money leftover for costs next year. We had around the same number of participants as last year, but follower numbers and mailing list subscribers increased, which bodes well for next year.

I made some minor changes to the promotional illustrations to make them more gender-/sex-inclusive, and this year I got no complaints, so that was a good move! However, this year I did see a lot more confusion about who is invited to take part. I think the changes were probably worth it to make sure I’m being as welcoming and inclusive as I can be in the promotional stuff, so hopefully people will err on the side of caution and just jump in.

The way that the new survey software collects information, and my increased knowledge of Google Sheets, mean that I didn’t have to resort to MS Excel at all this year. This is really good, because working with unfamiliar software slows me down a lot! My formulae have been more efficient (thanks to my increasing Google Sheets skillz), so the entire sheet could be processed at once instead of being split into several questions. I’m really happy about that, because it means the entire worldwide results report came out less than 24 hours after the survey closed, instead of... *cough* eight months *cough* ...

I made an executive decision not to do a UK report this year, because the added complication makes it really hard for me to motivate myself. It definitely worked, look at that, it’s only March and the worldwide report is already out! I might still do a UK report, and I will keep collecting UK/not UK info about participants so that I always have that option, but for now I’ll just concentrate on the worldwide report and just do the UK report if I feel like it before 2020. And of course the spreadsheet is available to anyone who wants to download it and play with it, so if someone else wants to make some UK-specific statistics happen that is totally possible.

What I’ll do differently next year

In the identity question, I will keep queer as a checkbox option, but I will specify that it’s a gender. Maybe “queer (as gender identity)”? Feedback welcome on this!

In the pronouns question, I’ll change the wording of “none/avoid pronouns” so that it’s clear that it includes just using someone’s name. That’s because a lot of people tried to enter their names as neopronoun sets to express that, and I want to avoid people entering identifying information.

I will ask about age, to make sure that people over 30 are represented by checkbox options. Typically only about 10% of participants are over 30 so I want to make sure as many as possible are comfortable taking part. I’ll group ages into sets of 5 years (21-25, 26-30, etc.) to reduce risk of people being identified, and because entering an exact age probably feels a little more uncomfortable.

After 2020, any identity word, title or pronoun that is entered by less than 3% of participants and less than 3% of participants over 30 can be removed in future surveys. (I am a little concerned about this part, because it’ll make the work more complicated for me, and more work means more risk of epic procrastination. I’ll do my best!)

I’ve finally admitted to myself that I need to separate man and boy, and woman and girl. Currently it’s “woman (or girl if younger)” and “man (or boy if younger)”, and every year plenty of people skip those options in the checkboxes and type in “girl (but not woman even though I’m not a minor)” or something like that, and next year I’ll be asking about age so that’ll be an easy way to determine if there are any adults who are comfortable with one and not the other. This will increase the number of checkboxes to 30, which is pretty unwieldy and will make it harder yet again for people to find their words and increase the rate at which people drop out of the survey, so I’m glad for the under-3% checkbox removal threshold that I’m introducing from 2021 onwards.

Closing thoughts

I slipped up on a couple of things this year (ambiguity over the word “queer”, for example) - but overall I’m pretty impressed with how well I handled it all compared to last year. (I had recently moved house and was trying to rebuild my life, so I didn’t have a lot of spare energy in 2018!)

As always, I’m excited to pore through all your written answers and feedback, and I’m really grateful to everyone who shared the survey link! There were hundreds of RTs and thousands of reblogs, which never ceases to amaze me. Thank you everyone for sharing a small linguistic part of yourselves with me, I hope putting it all together helps you and makes a positive difference to the world!

See also

A list of links to all results, including UK and worldwide, and including previous years

The mailing list for being notified of next year’s survey

SUPPORT ME!

I do this basically for free (the crowdfunded money goes entirely on survey software and domain fees), so if you happened to stumble onto my Amazon wishlist and accidentally fall on an Add To Cart button… well, I would be immensely grateful. ;) If you wanted to go and check out Starfriends.org too I reckon Andréa would be pretty chuffed!

#gender census #results #nonbinary #gender census 2019 #survey #pronouns #neopronouns #gender-neutral language #language

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butterflydm · 6 years ago

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The Magicians Revisited: 1x02 The Source of Magic

Significant moments: We meet reoccurring character Prof. Sunderland as she questions Q after the attack by the Beast. She wants to know how the Beast got in and how he knew Quentin’s name. Martin wants to ‘nip this in the bud’ and sees killing Q as the best means to that end; I feel like Q is the one explicitly mentioned to get killed in every previous timeline, but I guess I will get confirmation about that at the end of the season. If Jane did realize that Quentin was Time Key Old Man, then it makes a lot of sense that she would junk a timeline the second Q gets killed, because he needs to live, grow old, and go back in time to solve the mosaic to give her the key that she’s using to do all this to begin with.

All four of our main first years contribute to the fight - Q materializes the watch that first pushes The Beast away, Kady and Alice both use spells to hurt him, and Penny destroys the mirror that he used to enter and leave.

Q tries to talk to Alice about the summoning spell, but Eliot and Margo find Q and Alice in the aftermath of the attack and are affectionate and coddling, cutting the conversation short. Margo takes Alice off to talk in her room, while Eliot and Quentin talk outside. Margo asks Alice about what happened and about her family; Alice does not tell her about the summoning. Margo tells Alice that she wants to be her friend; Alice does not believe her. Quentin does tell Eliot about the summoning, and he and Eliot also share their respective traumas of depression and telekinetic manslaughter.

So, a thought that I’m going to look at further: did Margo genuinely want to try to be friends with Alice but her manner and general personality combined with Alice’s own biases misled Alice into believing Margo’s actions were not sincere OR is Alice right that Margo does not actually want to be friends but is pretending to want to be for ulterior motives? Because Margo does invite Alice to join them and hang out in 1x01 too, and Alice dismisses that as insincere as well. However, if Margo was being sincere here, she might decide at a certain point that she doesn’t want to put up with having her motives constantly questioned, and so stops trying. I’m going to be watching future Margo-Alice scenes with a careful eye, I think, because it’s possible that Alice’s opinion is being colored by how incredibly selfish her parents are and she mistook a genuine attempt at friendship for something else.

Eliot is obviously, painfully, sincere and genuine with Quentin and Quentin, just as obviously, doesn’t doubt that Eliot’s intentions are good. This episode lays a very strong foundation for their future friendship (… and romance) by having Quentin confide readily in Eliot and Eliot deciding to share just as deeply so that he can have a real emotional connection with Quentin. And this kind of impulse in Eliot is, I think, what Martin takes advantage of when he’s possessing/controlling Mike later on this season. I’ll watch out for that when I get there.

Q and Alice then talk and he tells her about Fillory and that he thinks Fillory is real. The real Chatwins lived next to the author of the Fillory books, and Martin Chatwin went missing in real life and Jane disappeared the year after.

Ah-ha, yes. Penny confirms in his scene with Kady that he went to the lab because the voice that has been talking to him told him to — the voice that he now knows is the Beast. That voice taught him magic before he came to Brakebills. It talked to him all while he was growing up and he considered it his only friend. Ouch. Though, actually, that makes me wonder exactly how early in their lives the timeline loops over, if the Beast was already talking to Penny when he was a kid. Hmm.

Penny wants to leave Brakebills, Kady wants to convince him to stay. At this point, she does convince him to cover for her while she steals from the Physical Kids’ cottage, which… yeah, so Kady is definitely playing him at this point, since she’s actively using him now... which means that’s she’s doing the same thing to him right now that the Beast did to him all his life, tricking him into thinking she’s a source of support when she’s actually using him to advance her own agenda. …ouch again. She’s got some strong mitigating factors on her side but… still, ouch.

Sunderland confronts the group, she questions them individually, Penny throws Q under the bus regarding the spell, and both Kady and Alice let him do it. Eliot finds Q afterwards and tries to make him feel better. Q almost leaves a message on Julia’s voicemail apologizing to her for their conversation in 1x01 and asking her to remind him about magic when he forgets, but deletes it before he hangs up. Q then picks a fight with Penny, and he ends up getting punched and having his battle magic bounce back on him and throw him back several feet.

I had not recalled exactly how brutal the fallout was between Penny and Q in the aftermath of the summoning. And Q’s desperation in general was very apparent, kinda illustrating that if his and Julia’s positions had been reversed in this timeline, he probably would have been willing to go just as far as she was in trying to get magic back into his life.

Meanwhile, Julia meets the hedge witches and Marina (head witch) is pretending to be another beginner like Julia so that she can evaluate her. I mean, it takes up a lot of screentime and I enjoy the scenes but that’s… basically all that happens. We also find out in a scene with Pete and Marina that Kady is under Marina’s thumb, and that’s who she was stealing for.

Q steals the Emerson’s Alloy from Penny to keep his mind from being wiped, but Jane (calling herself “Eliza” to Quentin) is there and she, of course, has no plans to wipe his mind right now. Their conversation is very interesting. She’s evaluating him, testing him to see if she thinks this version of him is up to the task. She tells him not to overthink things, and I’m thinking about 3x05 — also, in 1x01, Julia told Q to “live his life”, which is used in 3x05 as well. “You’re late”, “don’t overthink things”, “live your life here”. I’m going to see if those pop up other places, too. Jane wants Q to think outside the box, to break out of what he might normally do, because she knows he’ll get involved — she’s not sure why it’s Quentin, but he’s inevitable. Jane does take the Emerson’s away from Q, so none of the main group have it now.

Jane talks to Fogg and he is not happy with how things are going. He tells her that she should be the one fixing things in Fillory and killing the Beast, not Penny and Quentin. We do end on a cheerful note, with Margo and Eliot happily welcoming Quentin back.

Magic: 1. Pete locks the door of the meat locker for Julia’s test with Marina. 2. Q “materializes” the watch from Dean Fogg’s hand into his own and uses it against the Beast to push him away. 3. Kady uses battle magic against the Beast. 4. The Beast knocks Kady’s head against a desk. 5. Alice uses a spell against the Beast that drives him back into the mirror. 6. Pete ‘wakes up’ the corpse in the meat locker to try to get Julia looking in the right direction. 7. Magic-sensing map that Sunderland uses. 8. Julia creates the temporary warming spell in the meat locker. 9. Quentin uses battle magic against Penny, but Penny has the Emerson’s Alloy that Kady stole from the Physical Kids’ cottage, so it bounces back on Quentin. 10. Healing magic for Q’s arm in the infirmary. 11. Healing magic is being used on Dean Fogg’s injuries. 12. Eliot uses magic to increase the fire in the BBQ.

Relationships: Dean Fogg & Jane Chatwin: slightly shaky allies Quentin & Julia: estranged friends Julia & James: established relationship -> becoming estranged Quentin & James: estranged friends Quentin & Eliot: friends & confidantes Quentin & Penny: antagonistic & hostile Eliot & Margo: best friends Margo & Quentin: friendship Quentin & Alice: temporary allies Penny & Kady: romantic & sexual relationship Kady->Penny: manipulative relationship Margo & Alice: potentially aborted friendship Penny & the Beast|Martin: manipulative mentorship -> betrayal Marina & Pete -> Julia: manipulative mentorship Marina -> Kady: blackmail/extortion Eliot & Alice: No interaction; Eliot was focused completely on Quentin in the aftermath of the attack Quentin->Kady: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Kady->Alice & Quentin: “losers" Alice->Kady & Penny: temporary allies Penny->Alice: seems okay with her Jane&Fogg->Quentin&co: manipulative mentorship

Physical contact: The Beast covered Q’s mouth with his hand during the attack (to suffocate him, looks like) and left blood on his face. Right before that, he also touches Q’s cheek (somewhat similarly to how Pete touches Julia in 1x01, actually). Penny holds Kady after the Beast attacks her. Eliot puts his arm around Q’s shoulders; Margo puts her arm around Alice’s shoulders and holds her hand. When they get to the Physical Kids’ cottage, Margo takes Alice by the arm and leads her off. Kady grabs Penny by the wrist while she’s trying to talk him out of leaving. I also think she touches his stomach, but it’s below the camera. Eliot and Margo snuggle on the couch in the Physical Kids' cottage. Penny touches a random Physical Kid student while distracting him from Kady stealing things from the cottage. Kady grabs Penny by the arm again after she steals from the cottage and they’re outside. She grabs his chin to get him to look her in the eye. Penny takes Kady by the hand after he leaves Sunderland’s office. Quentin pushes Penny, Penny pushes him back and punches him, then holds him down with his arm behind his back. Sunderland pushes Penny back slightly to keep him from approaching Quentin again. Marina puts her arm around Julia’s shoulder after the test is done. Jane rests a hand on Fogg’s knee as he’s in the hospital bed.

Character Notes: Alice Quinn: unaware of Fillory, never read the books and did not know the main character’s name. Not a fan of fantasy books in general. Marina: level 50 hedge witch; self-proclaimed ‘top witch in New York’.

Students: No new info.

Timeline Notes: Picks up in the aftermath of the Beast attack. We find out that it’s a Monday (classes are cancelled ‘tomorrow’ but pick up again ‘Wednesday’). The last scene of the episode is the next day (Tuesday).

Ways the Loop-aware Messed With Our Kids: 1. Martin was the voice in Penny’s head encouraging him to help Alice and Q with the summoning spell 2. Martin tries to kill them after the summoning spell has been done. 3. Jane talks to Q and encourages him along the path she wants him to take.

#TMRevisited #The Magicians #tmwk1 #long post #text post #keeping track of things

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icequeenjules26 · 6 years ago

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All I Want (For Christmas) Is You

Summary: Dan Howell's life as a student of modern piano music is completely turned upside down when he is grouped in an assignment with Phil Lester...

Word Count: 7,2k

Tags: University AU, Fluff, Pianist!Dan, Guitarist!Phil,

A/n: This is written for @babethepig for the Phandom fic Fests Holiday Exchange. As always the biggest ever thank you goes out to my love @succubusphan, who spent a lot of time beta’ing this. You’re the best. <3

Read on A03

Dans schedule was a proper mess this semester. His decision to specialize in modern piano music got frowned upon not only by his parents but also by his Uni, so his curses were not nicely fit together anymore. He had a lot of free time in between, but his time gaps were too short to get back to his dorm, so he mostly stayed on campus, spending his free time in one of the multiple coffee shops around or with his friend Louise, who was assigned a dorm room much closer to campus than he was.

That’s how he caught wind of it first.

He had always been good at playing the piano, the time at uni had only helped with that, obviously; but that he was supposedly the best in his studies had always sounded like an exaggeration. There were a lot of piano students, so he had tried toning down the people talking about him, directing them to someone else. Aside from his musical ability there wasn’t much interesting about him, though, so he had drifted out of the other students’ eyes - at least aside from the talk about whoever was supposed to be dating this week. His open bisexuality made for a large pool of possible suitors, but there were students much more interesting to talk about.

Now, though, he was back inside of the rumor mill, and right in the center.

It started off innocently enough.

“The instruments students are doing trios this year, did you hear?” The two girls in the booth right next to his were chatting animatedly with each other, obviously unaware of him just sitting half a meter away. “Yeah, I’m so excited! We haven’t seen Dan Howell performing for a while, which is a shame. Him at a Piano is enough to get me going to be honest.”

Dan was already puffing out his chest like a peacock, debating on whether to go over there or at least make his presence known otherwise, when the other girl’s reply made him halt in his tracks. “I mean same , but have you seen Phil Lester lately? He got rid of his emo fringe and stuff. He’s scolding hot .” She layed extra emphasis on the word hot and in Dan’s head, two mindsets started battling over what to do. The first one expressed some kind of jealousy in a “I wanted to tap that girl”-kind of way, the other one wanted to spring onto facebook to check out the guy they were talking about, whose name sounded kind of familiar.

Former emo fringe musician that got hot? Sign him the fuck up.

Chuckling lowly about his screaming bisexuality he continued listening, his interest now peaked.

“Well, they’re doing trios right? Just imagine both of them on stage together…”

The other girl actually moaned at the thought and Dan couldn’t contain the smirk creeping on his face. He took a sip from his coffee, his still open laptop on the table in front of him long forgotten. He probably should be working on one of his assignments due this week, but the girls’ conversation was too interesting to ignore.

Dan had to suppress some swearing when his laptop dinged with an incoming email. He could hear the girls whispering behind him when they looked over because of the sound, realizing who he was - “Oh my god is that Dan Howell?” and “Oh my god, do you think he heard us?” - and he quickly leaned forward to appear busy.

The email causing the ‘ding’ was actually about the assignment the girls had just been talking about. He packed up his stuff immediately when he had read through it. The list of assigned groups had just been hung out in front of his professor’s office and she invited all participants to a meeting in about half an hour on the other side of the campus, so he had to rush.

~~~

Even the rushing didn’t help in the end, the unfortunate incident of a broken down bus costed him the time to check the list before the meeting started. When he got there he still had no idea who his partners were, so he didn’t understand the reason behind the quiet whispers that started when he set foot into the lecture hall. He managed to find his friend Louise quite fast and slid into the free spot next to her. “What’s the fuss about?” he asked her quietly but before she could answer, the door opened again and a group of professors walked in.

Their looks varied about as much as those of the students sitting in the audience, making for a quite colourful group. For this assignment, nearly all rock-centered curses were thrown together, not only piano but also guitar, drums, bass, violin and multiple other instruments. The hall was packed full, but the arrival of the professors assured silence among the students.

“Good morning everyone! Hopefully you all checked the list and are in the process of contacting your partners. Teamwork is the key for this assignment! Because of the number of students most groups consist of one piano student, one guitar student and one of another instrument, specifically arranged to play into your strengths and make you work on your weaknesses.” The young male professor’s voice rung soundly through the hall and Dan couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow. Prof. Smith, responsible for the guitar department and specialized on rock music, was so completely different from his own professor and so cliché rock musician that it offended Dan’s believes; he fit the stereotype perfectly, including tattoo covered arms, piercings and wild, green hair, often sporting band shirts.

Prof. Johnson, on the other hand, was nothing like her profession. She was a middle-aged woman with slim, neon green glasses and grey eyes that always seemed to shine with mischief. Her jet black hair fell in untamable curls onto her shoulders and she seemed to never leave the house without a nerdy T-Shirt, merch for some comic, TV-Show or movie. When she stepped forward, the whispers around the hall got louder and the grin on her face was so wide Dan couldn’t help but grin back. He liked his Professor, even if she tended to overstep her boundaries and was eager to make friends among the students.

“If you have questions you can always turn to me or Mr. Smith, Mr. Miller or Mrs. Adams, or any of the other Professors involved,” she said, then paused for a second to let the murmures and voices ring out.

“Now, we know this is a big thing among the student body, but we hope you can keep it as low as possible. Drama and relations, as fun as they are to watch for us, will only make your work harder. If you want to outplay this though, be assured I will be watching with a glass of wine and popcorn.” There were chuckles among the group and Louise next to him went red trying to keep in her laughter. Dan grinned at her and made a mental note to tell her about the girls he had encountered before coming here.

It took some time for the students to calm down, but when she continued speaking, Dan was shocked into silence. “That also goes for other students aside from yourself. The list is out for half an hour and the only duo involving Mr. Howell and Mr. Lester has already caused an uproar throughout the whole university, so please think about what you are causing when you speak about information like this next time.”

The rest of the meeting went by in a blur. The professors informed them of the nature of the assignment - the whole thing had pretty much the built-up of a generic talent show. They had to cover one song each week in an open, on-campus concert starting in two weeks. Each week two groups would be voted out by the professors until three groups remained for the finale.

At the end Dan didn’t remember anything the professors had explained to them. He would beg Louise for her notes tomorrow, but that wasn’t the important thing right now.

The important thing was that he was supposed to perform with the one and only Phil Lester - and after a quick facebook check he realized why the name had sounded so familiar. Dan had had a crush on the cute and amazingly talented guitar player performing every saturday in a close-by coffee shop for weeks until he had disappeared. What made it even harder for Dan was the fact that the girls had been right.

The guy had gotten hot as fuck.

Louise’ mumbled keep it in your pants seemed almost impossible to stick to.

~~~~

It took Dan around half a week to stop running from Phil. He kept himself busy with papers not due for at least a few more weeks and working harder for other assignments than he ever had before - he did anything that would make him forget about the short message from Phil awaiting him on whatsapp, where he introduced himself and informed him they were partners. The little dog emoji at the end of the message made him squeal like a schoolgirl, but that was exactly the problem. He had to keep it professional. Which would be difficult considering the increasingly hot pictures Phil posted on his facebook and instagram…

On thursday Dan finally realized he wouldn’t be able to hide from this forever, as he couldn’t afford to fail this class. So he decided to suck it up and went with a generic confirmation and the question to set a time for their first rehearsal as a reply.

On friday Dan was about as nervous as he could be. Fidgeting the entire morning, he changed his outfit for at least five times until Louise threatened to rip his whole wardrobe to shreds if he didn't decide soon. Her teasing didn’t make his job any easier though. He was supposed to meet Phil in less than half an hour in one of the practice rooms in the music building half a campus away and he was dying a little.

“Do you really think I look okay?” he asked Louise, who was seated directly next to him on the bus, anxiously running his fingers through his brown locks. Louise caught his wrist mid-movement and forced his hand back into his lap before she patted it sympathetically. “You look great, Dan. Just don’t behave like the little schoolgirl you’re portraying right now, okay?”

Dan couldn’t get rid of the blush creeping onto his cheeks for the rest of the bus ride.

When he arrived at their booked practice room, Phil wasn’t there yet. Sighing in relief, he let his backpack sink to the floor before moving over to the piano, situated on a little pedestal in front of the window. He took a seat on the stool right in front of it and let his fingers run over the keys testingly. A series of notes rang through the air and he realized delightedly that the piano was pitched precisely.

He let his fingers push the keys purposefully and before he knew it they strung together to one of his favorite songs. He started singing along, just for the fun of it; but he got completely lost in the music. At one point a second voice joined in, harmonizing with him to an unbelievable extend, but he didn’t even realize; it just sounded like it had been there from the start.

Like it belonged there, ringing alongside his own.

Only at the end of the song he realized what had happened. When the last note rang loud through the now deafening silence he whipped around, eyes wide - and met the bluest eyes he had ever seen.

He wanted to avert his eyes, wanted to check who it was, but he couldn’t; for a few moments, he was frozen, lost in time, no connection to reality except for the blue he was drowning in.

The moment shattered like glass around him when some kind of crashing noise pierced in from outside of the room and Dan was finally able to move his eyes.

“That was beautiful,” a deep, melodic voice said and he couldn’t help but stare at the black haired figure standing proudly and tall at the other end of the piano, smiling at him reassuringly.

Dan had to blink a few times and pinch himself covertly, but the picture in front of him stayed the same: Phil Lester, in all his delicious glory, eyes shining so bright Dan was sure he’d need sunglasses.

“It was,” he agreed with a raspy voice, watching wordlessly as Phil made his way over to him. “I’m Phil,” he said, sticking out his hand in front of him and Dan had to gulp down his fast rising excitement. I’ll get to touch Phil Lester!!

When it happened, when their hands touched, he almost flinched back. A warm feeling shot up his arm at top speed and for a second, he forgot how to breathe. Holy shit.

“Dan,” he rasped back, staring up at Phil with wide eyes, not really sure what to do with himself, only one thought ringing through his mind - if touching Phil felt like that , how amazing would kissing him be?

Obviously, the black haired guitar player was not as shocked as Dan. “So, do you think we found our song for the first show?”

Just like that they slipped over into work - and working with Phil, Dan learned, was just as easy as breathing.

~~~

The first week with Phil was like walking on clouds. The numerous holes in Dan’s schedule made for good practice times, and the fact that Phil didn’t have many classes this semester meant that he was there for almost every one of them. Work flowed easily and smoothly and on monday they were already done segmenting the song and deciding who would get to sing which parts.

But not only the work went great, even their voices harmonized like they were meant to be heard together. They didn’t even need transitions between Dan’s singing parts to Phil’s, the changes from line to line went just as smoothly as the ones with longer instrumental intervals between.

Tuesday evening they were basically ready to perform. Dan had his piano playing recorded as a playback to make him more flexible on stage instead of immobile behind a giant instrument. Phil’s guitar skills maybe didn’t quite match Jimmy Hendrik’s yet, but they were definitely up there, and he had the song down to a T. Neither of them had classes the next morning, so as they were leaving the practice room, Dan felt quite courageous from all the adrenaline still rushing through him after a perfect run - and he boldly asked Phil if he wanted to get a coffee somewhere before retiring to their respective dorms.

Ten minutes later they were sat in a coffee shop right off campus. Dan chose a cozy little booth in the corner directly next to the window front while Phil went to get their coffees. When Dan took the first sip of his drink he almost spat it right back out, but instead moved to first eye the drink and then Phil suspiciously.

“How do you know?” he asked, his voice almost high pitched as he narrowed his eyes.

Phil just raised an eyebrow into an almost perfectly shaped curve, looking at Dan questionably as he calmly took a sip of his coffee, not saying a word.

“How do you know my order?” Dan specified and watched incredulously as Phil’s full, kissable lips spread into a wide grin. He could almost picture it, attaching his own lips onto his as they spread into the exact grin before the kisses started to get more serious, more heated, Phil’s fringe messed up, his cheeks red as clothes were coming off…

Oh my god, stop betraying me, goddamn heart.

“I didn’t. I just ordered two of my usual order.”

Phil’s voice ripped him out of his daydream and for a second he couldn’t do much else than stare in stunned silence. “You drink caramel Macchiato, too?” he asked, blinking. Huh. He really hadn’t expected that from a guy as hot as him…

Jesus fucking christ, actually shut the fuck up!

Dan’s attraction to Phil had risen to an unhealthy level by now. Not only was he hot as fuck, no; during their practice time Dan also had had to learn that the guy was smart, funny, lively, and talented as fuck , even more than Dan remembered him to be. Dan was lucky the assignment, and working on the music kept him busy and focused, or else he would have probably jumped the guy by now.

“It’s my all time favorite,” Phil confirmed, his grin transforming into a cheeky smile, and Dan couldn’t keep a blush from dusting his cheeks pink.

“Mine too,” he admitted and took another tentative sip from his drink, purposefully avoiding Phil’s eyes. He knew that if he looked into them now, he would drown in them.

For a few moments it was silent between them, both nursing their coffee, Dan deeply lost in thought about the blueness of Phil’s eyes.

“So, Muse, huh?”

It was Phil breaking the silence and Dan looked up, surprised. It took him a second to realize how Phil had even known he liked Muse , until he realized they had met while singing their song Thought Contagion before choosing it for their first performance. This time he was pretty sure he kept the blush at bay.

“Yeah. I love them.”

Phil’s mouth stretched into a happy smile, his eyes shining brightly, full of honest excitement as he started chattering about them. Dan had to gulp and pinch his hand unsuspiciously to keep himself from losing his mind .

They moved from Muse to Panic! to Fallout Boy to Paramore and even further. Albums became scores, which lead the way to games, movies and TV shows. It was almost scary how much they had in common, how much their interests overlapped, and it actually took Dan a while to remember a question he’d had since he’d heard of the assigned groups.

He used a temporary lull in conversation - one that he could have easily filled with something relatable to the topic they were on, mind you - to finally ask.

“By the way, do you know why we are the only duo?”

Phil raised his eyebrow, a cheeky smile back on his face and Dan knew there was a blush creeping up his cheeks yet again. He couldn’t help but feel like he missed something vital here, but he had no idea what exactly.

“Did you not pay attention at the meeting?”

Dan felt his eyes widen in surprise and blinked, cheeks even hotter than before. “I might have been… preoccupied ,” he admitted and Phil’s smile grew into a full-blown grin.

“Prof. Johnson and Prof. Smith spent like ten minutes explaining,” he informed Dan, “Apparently the numbers didn’t match up and they had to have one duo, so they both chose their best student and realized we would be a good match.” He put special emphasis on the word match and for a second, Dan wasn’t sure if he would be able to stay conscious. Was he just making a joke… Or was Phil Lester really flirting with him?

“We - we are,” he stammered in response and Phil’s chuckling send his heart into overdrive. Oh god. How was he supposed to survive at least 2 more months working with the guy?

“I think so too,” Phil whispered back with a husky voice, making Dan choke on his long cold coffee.

Fuck, these next weeks are going to be torture.

~~~

The next monday morning Dan found himself in yet another on-campus coffee shop, putting the finishing touches on an assignment that was due today. Normally it was a break he would spend with Phil, but he had stuff to arrange with one of his professors, so they decided he would join up with Dan as soon as he was able to. They had managed to get a headstart on this week’s performance by starting working on it on saturday, so they weren’t in much of a rush. They had decided on a song and discussed divisioning on sunday already; it was only practicing left.

Of course the performance on Friday had gone great. They had gotten a lot of applause by the watching students, the little hall on campus used for performances had been packed to the rim, so there had been at least a few hundred watchers. The professors had obviously also been satisfied with their presentation, considering they had informed them they would progress into the next round even before the whole show had been over.

So Dan and Phil had spent their Friday night celebrating. Even though neither of them were really the party going type, they had agreed to go out for a few drinks with their best friends Louise and PJ - who, coincidentally, were in the same group - and Tyler, a music production student Dan had been friends with for years. He had flirted with Phil quite obviously and had teased Dan for his sour mood afterwards, but had assured him that Phil only has eyes for you, you dumbass, pay attention!, coupled with a playful whack on his head.

The memory let Dan grumble absently, but the arriving of a group of students in the booth right behind him ripped him away from his trip down memory lane. “I mean, they’re both bisexual, right?” one of the girls stated while taking a seat, making him peek up immediately. He liked to hear stories about his fellow unicorns and regretted only becoming aware of this conversation after it had already started.

“They are,” a guy’s voice confirmed. Dan was pretty sure he had heard the voice before, but he didn’t have the courage to turn around and check. He was lucky enough to not have been spotted by the group, he really didn’t have to push his luck.

“Have you seen their sexual tension? I know you want to fuck them both, Caleb, but come on.” The female voice was followed by a male groan and the sound of a head meeting the tabletop. “I knowww,” was the answer, “I’m sexually deprived, not blind .”

Dan raked his brain, trying to figure out who they were talking about. Being friends with Louise and Tyler meant that he was mostly up to date with recent campus gossip, and he really wanted to tell them about this later.

“Did you know there’s already a bet going on? About if they’ll be dating by the end of this semester.”

“Which idiot would even bet against that?”

The booth erupted into laughter and Dan furrowed his eyebrows, thinking. He leaned forward, trying to appear busy, but in reality the assignment currently open on his laptop was the furthest thing from his mind.

“Okay, but aside from all that they were the best group, even if it was just the two of them. They’re gonna win this thing, hands down.”

Dan’s eyes went as wide as saucers as realization seeped into him. They weren’t really talking about -

“Absolutely. Thought Contagion was brilliant, I’m so excited to see what they’ll come up with for the next round.”

That was the moment Phil decided to make his appearance, ripping him out of his thoughts almost violently. “Morning!” he said, cheerfully, two cups of steaming coffee in his hands. He pushed one of them over to Dan after he had taken a seat.

A look of confusion, even concern appeared on his face when Dan didn’t react, just continued staring at his laptop screen with his eyes wide open. “Dan? Are you okay? Have you seen a ghost?”

The chatter behind him ended immediately. When he slowly turned around a group of seven people was staring at him, wide eyed. All of them scrambled to their feets as fast as they could. “You’re a cute couple!” one of the girls squeaked out, then they were gone, leaving Dan to explain the situation to Phil.

Needless to say Phil wasn’t fazed at all, instead he used the story to make more flirty remarks, making Dan blush yet again.

Damn, I’m fucked.

~~~~

Almost three months passed by in a rush and by december Dan couldn’t even recognize his life anymore. All the time he had previously spent alone in front of his laptop, browsing tumblr or watching Netflix, converted into Phil-time, slowly but surely. They played games or watched TV-Shows nearly every day after practice. Dan’s roommate had even asked him if he was moving out with all the time he spent away, but Dan couldn’t help himself. Phil lived in a flat near campus all alone. A tiny flat, sure, but it made for the best meetup place, especially for gaming or movie nights or for research about their next song - and it gave them some privacy. Not that much had happened yet aside from the increasingly flirty comments and occasional cuddle sessions, but it still made their friendship easier.

Especially because they were now something like campus-famous and got recognized wherever they went.

So far, they had aced most performances and were through to the last show before christmas break. After New Year’s there was only one show left before the big finale. They were pretty sure they had a good grade secured, but they still gave it their all - they had come so far, there was no way they were giving up now.

In the upcoming show only seven groups were left and it was the first one with two mandatory songs, one optional and one christmas themed, dropping the rock theme just for this once. Since the last week was cut short - Christmas break started on thursday - they had an additional half week to prepare. Dan and Phil had decided on Panic! ’s High Hopes for the first song and Last Christmas for the second and as always, they had been quite fast with their work. They were practiced and basically done on Monday, so they allowed themselves the night off. Phil’s brother was in town and Dan had heartlessly neglected Tyler since the assignment started (his words), basically forcing Dan to spent the night with him.

Fortunately Tyler had a lecture early the next morning, so he wasn’t trying to get himself or Dan trashed. He did, however, made use of the time by grilling Dan about his relationship to Phil.

Dan was a bit annoyed, but at the end of the day he was glad to be able to talk about it, even if he would never admit to that. Louise and her group were still in the run for the finals too, which made her so busy they barely were able to talk for longer than a few minutes at a time - and he desperately needed an outsider’s opinion.

It took him almost an hour to get Tyler up to date on what had happened, all the while getting interrupted by texts from Phil. Right when he was done explaining his phone dinged again, indicating another text.

‘the girl two tables over has a cute lil pup on her lap i keep staring she probs thinks i'm a perv help’ it read and he couldn’t help but chuckle. Tyler inspected him warily from across the table, absently playing with the straw in his half-empty cocktail. “Okay, who are you texting?” he asked then, fixing Dan with a steely gaze.

“Oh, it’s just Phil,” he answered distractedly, typing a quick response before turning his attention back to Tyler. “Why?”

“Are you shitting me?” he asked back, a fitting expression on his face like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Dan just answered with a surprised “huh?”, shooting him a confused look.

“Mate, how dense can you be? You are basically dating the guy, only without the good parts!”

Dan blinked, completely lost now, unable to follow Tyler’s train of thought. “What?”

“You and Phil are dating, Dan, wake up! The only thing missing is the sex!” Dan was stunned into silence, staring at Tyler like he had grown a second head. It took the thought a while to register in his brain, but then he blushed, taking a huge gulp of his drink before calling the waiter over to order another one.

He needed more alcohol for this.

~~~~

The show on wednesday evening went exceptionally well. They had the most fun rocking to High Hopes and got really festive during Last Christmas , with Dan at the Piano and Phil sat on top of it. Their professors called them over and into the next show immediately, making them giddy and high on adrenaline in the process.

The christmas party thrown by the rock music department started directly afterwards and PJ and Louise, immensely proud of their best friends even though their own group had been voted out, insisted on going. Still in an after show rush they agreed, but soon realized why they normally didn’t like parties. It was loud, the room stuffed with people and the food was average at best, and it took them around twenty minutes to revert back to the snacks table, where they hid from the actual party.

When Louise, PJ and Tyler of all people found them, sporting a cheeky expression, Dan knew they were fucked. They were leaning against a wall, talking and laughing with each other as much as the music allowed them to, and only a few people were inspecting them from afar.

“Do you know where you’re standing?” PJ asked when the group was within earshot and Dan raised an eyebrow. “Next to the snacks table where we always are?” he remarked drily, making Phil chuckle next to him.

“Look up!” Tyler singsonged with a high pitched voice and flattered his eyelashes with faked innocence.

Dan perked up immediately. He knew that voice.

He didn’t even need to look up to know what was fixated on the wall over their heads.

“A Mistletoe!” Louise grinned so widely Dan was sure it had to hurt. He turned his attention to Phil, his heart throbbing in his chest on full speed.

There was a cheeky smile on the guitarist’s face as he took a step closer, taking a hold of Dan’s head with both hands. “They want a kiss,” he murmured, lowly, “let’s give them a kiss.”

The second his lips met Phil’s was like a firework going off everywhere inside of his body. For a moment he forgot where he was, hell, even who he was, just continued kissing Phil with passion and lust and love. He didn’t even hesitate opening up his mouth at Phil’s silent request to let him in, too far gone to care - hell, to even realize they had an audience.

The kiss lasted for minutes and it probably could have gone on much longer if there wouldn’t have been a sudden outburst of applause. The blood took a second to reach Dan’s brain after having rushed somewhere south only seconds ago, but when it did, it immediately spread into his cheeks. They broke apart, Dan’s face still in Phil’s hands, silently contemplating the recent event.

He had just kissed Phil Lester. In front of basically the whole rock music department.

Great. Just great.

The applause and whooping didn’t stop soon and he couldn’t do much more then to exchange a long look with Phil. They had a silent discussion Dan himself didn’t know the content of, until suddenly and with no indication there was panic on Phil’s face as he hastily let go of Dan and scrambled to get his phone out of his pocket. It was vibrating violently in his hands and Dan couldn’t even blink by the time Phil rasped out a “Shit! My brother is waiting for me!” and left in a rush.

Dan stood there, staring after Phil until most of the students had averted their gazes from him and went back to whatever they had been doing before. When the ice in his veins freezing him into place finally dissipated, he groaned. He knew Phil’s brother Martyn was picking him up for Christmas with their family, and he wouldn’t be back until january.

Of course. That’s just my fucking luck.

~~~

He spent christmas break in some sort of limbo, like his relationship to Phil was Schrödinger’s cat, platonic and romantic at the same time. He knew the kiss had meant something not only to him but also to Phil, that much had been obvious with the way he had taken the offensive in deepening the kiss and how he had held him afterwards. But that was about the amount of information Dan had, and neither of them mentioned the kiss on any level, so he decided to just ignore the issue for now.

It did made him jumpy and fidgety and mostly unable to focus, though, and only his frequent skype calls with Phil got him focused and concentrated enough to get some much needed work done.

There were only two shows left, but they were only one week apart and both required three songs, so they decided to learn all songs over the break. They spent hours on skype, deciding on the songs and how to play and sing them, so they would be done learning their personal parts until they could meet back up in person.

For a short moment, their reunion was like the sun had risen again. They hugged, soft words of attachment and longing on their lips, but then it was like someone had flipped a switch and they were back in working mode. Phil didn’t mention the kiss and Dan didn’t dare to, so they went back to Status Quo, just like that.

The first show in the new year went okay-ish. Neither of them poured everything into it, already looking forward to the songs they had chosen for the finale, but they still managed to pull through. Their only truly memorable performance was The Black Parade by My Chemical Romance , which they definitely aced, but the other ones admittedly fell a bit flat. Both their professors urged them to not take it too lightly just because they had done so amazingly until now, so they swore to give everything they had in their last performances together.

They were the first group performing in the finale. It wasn’t hard for Dan to get in the mood of their songs, considering they were all pining lovesongs and he would have the one he was pining after up on stage with him, so he was glad they got to go first. It made the waiting and anticipation in between easier, and waiting for the results when they were done didn’t mean much to him anyway - he didn’t care too much about winning.

He just wanted to give his best, pour all his feelings into the songs when he was up there with Phil. He wanted to make it obvious that he meant every word he was singing.

He wanted to get Phil to understand…

In short, he just wanted Phil.

Their first song was a soft piano interpretation of It’s not living (If it’s not with you) by The 1975 , and Dan was so entranced by Phil he forgot to look at his hands while playing. He didn’t make a single mistake, thankfully, but if he would have made one he probably wouldn’t even have noticed. He benefited from the fact that he had practiced the piano part so often on the tiny piano in his childhood bedroom that his parents had asked him to please, please stop.

They spent their break with a bottle of coke huddled together on a tiny sofa backstage, making loose conversation and trying to get their mind off of things. Dan basked in the close physical proximity and simply smiled when Phil just casually took his hand while he talked, playing with his fingers. He had a feeling that things would be going well.

Dan had particularly fun during their next song. The Last Of The Real Ones by Fallout Boy was one of his favorite songs and he connected a lot of the lyrics to Phil. The piano playing was not an issue this time since they had both laid down their playing previously and conjoined it in a track, so he had all the time in the world to focus on Phil, which he took full advantage of. They riled up the crowd so much that Tyler, who had agreed to be the presenter of the night, had trouble getting them back in check for the next group.

During christmas break, far away from Phil and his feelings, their next song had seemed like a good idea. It was romantic, emotional and full of love and Dan couldn’t think of any other song that would make his feelings for Phil more clear than this.

Now, though, it seemed entirely too personal to perform in front of what felt like the whole Uni. During practice he had refrained from building too much of a connection, afraid of taking it too far, but now he didn’t have much of a choice and it made him more nervous than any other performance before. His hands were sweaty, his stomach was rumbling and he was ready to cancel the whole thing when Phil noticed the state he was in.

“Dan,” he whispered, pointedly ignoring the other people lounging around backstage, completely focusing on Dan, “It’ll be okay. You will be okay. And I will be with you, right there by your side the whole time, okay?”

It was in this moment that something settled in Dan’s chest. He returned Phil’s fond look with courage and determination, grasping his hand in his and squeezing it tightly. “Me too. We’re on the same page.”

He was sure Phil caught the double meaning when his look got soft. “I think I always knew,” he answered quietly, almost inaudible. “Let’s do this.”

~~~

Their last performance of this assignment was a complete success. They performed The Only Exception by Paramore sitting huddled together on the little Piano stool in front of the huge piano and didn’t take their eyes off of each other the entire time. It was so emotional Tyler had tears in his eyes when he came on stage, hugging first Phil, then Dan tightly, muttering a soft “go get ‘em, tiger” into Dan’s ear and Dan could feel his heart swelling.

This was it.

Backstage, thankfully, they were alone. Both of the other groups were nowhere to be seen, and Phil obviously noticed faster than him.

Before he even had the chance to turn around from closing the door he was already spun around and pressed against the next hard surface, Phil’s lips attacking his own.

For what felt like ages they were kissing furiously, like they had deprived themselves of this for far too long and now a dam had been broken down, nothing holding them back anymore.

Once they were out of breath Phil separated their lips, lovingly gazing into his eyes instead. “I have waited for this for far too long,” he whispered quietly, softly, his hands on the sides of Dan’s head, his thumbs gently caressing his cheeks.

“Me too,” he mumbled back, drowning in Phil’s eyes and feeling himself falling, falling; falling even deeper in love with him. “I meant every word I sang.”

There was a beat of quiet, then:

“I love you.”

The words were muttered completely simultaneously, and for the single bat of an eye both stared at the other, stunned into silence.

Then they were both dissolving into giggles, holding onto the other to keep from toppling over.

“That,” Phil gasped out, “was so us.”

Dan couldn’t help but agree.

~~~

“Do you really think so, Badiha?”

“I don’t know, Henry, but they did seem smitten during that song, don’t you think?”

“True!”

There was a group of at least five people seated in the booth directly behind Dan’s and even though he wasn’t that much of a gossip he couldn’t help but eavesdrop. He was busily procrastinating the work he needed to do until the next day, refreshing tumblr around ten times a minute, so it wasn’t too surprising the conversation distracted him as soon as it got loud enough for him to hear.

“But they haven’t been seen in public with each other in ages aside from their performances. I just really want them to be happy with each other, is that too much to ask?”

That was the first voice again. Dan allowed himself a short look at the group out of the corner of his eyes and recognized all faces he was able to pick up on. They had all been to the performance Phil and him did twice a week in a near bar ever since their joint assignment last year, he was sure of it. He mostly recognized them because of the person that had spoken first, a girl with the pride flag drawn on her eyelids. He remembered how she had attracted his attention during their first show because of her truly iconic makeup.

“I know, right?!” a male voice joined in and this time Dan didn’t need the information practically jumping into his face to realize they were talking about him and Phil.

After their win in the finale they had decided to keep their relationship at a down low, trying to make themselves comfortable with being boyfriends before they truly made it public. They were still pretty famous throughout the students and the center of the rumor mill, but they had been in a relationship for almost a year now and had only recently realized there was nothing to be afraid of if everybody knew. Most of them would be happy for them, and the rest of them, well -

They’d just have to suck it up.

That was the moment his boyfriend decided to show up. He slid into the booth, taking a seat directly next to Dan, pressing their thighs together. “Morning, love,” he greeted Dan gently, planting a kiss on his cheek before grinning happily. “Busy procrastinating?”

“Yeah,” Dan replied extra loud, grinning right back, “but I’d rather kiss my boyfriend.”

So they shared a short, cute kiss, making the group behind them gasp loudly. “It’s them,” the girl with the pride flag on her eyelids whispered into the silence stretching between them. Dan grinned.

“It is,” he confirmed cheekily, turning around to look at her. “Very iconic Make-up by the way, I like it.”

“Oh my god, thank you,” she answered, a blush becoming apparent on her cheeks and Dan’s grin only got wider before he turned his attention back around to Phil.

“What was that about?” he asked with a raised eyebrow and his head cutely tilted to the side.

Dan pecked him on the lips. “Had to make a point.”

Phil looked back cheekily, a grin on his face so wide Dan was able to see his tongue poking out between his teeth. “A point about what?”

Dan puffed out his cheeks, feigning huffiness. Phil knew exactly what this was about, and they were both aware of that. “You’re an idiot,” he said, pouting.

“Yeah, but I’m your idiot.”

Dan looked at him, eyes full of fondness and adoration and love. “Exactly.”

#phan #phanfiction #phan fluff #phanfic au #my writing

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quaintrelle-on-the-loose · 6 years ago

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A Weekend in My Life vol. 3: Spending the Long Weekend at Home!

It was a long weekend in celebration for the All Saint’s Day. Thus, I grabbed this opportunity to go home in the province and spent my long weekend with my family and friends. The commute trip to Pangasinan was so tiring and stressful but it was all worth it when I got home.

Day 1 | My Baby Brother, Yves

Every year, the family always sees to it that we go to the cemetery to visit the grave of our deceased loved ones and relatives. We (Mama, Papa, Jessa and I) first went to Malasiqui to pay some of our relatives a visit at our house there, and went to the cemetery there to visit my grandparents’ grave. We then went back home in Lingayen and the whole family on my mother’s side visited the grave of our Lolo, tita Jocelyn, and my younger brother, Yves.

This is one thing that majority of the people who “know” me doesn’t really know about me — that I had one more younger brother who passed away at the age of 4. Yves had a Down’s syndrome, a syndrome that’s caused by an extra chromosome 21 (thanks to my Bio prof, Sir Aris, who taught this in class on my first year in college lol). I was 6 and was on my first grade in elementary, when he suffered from measles, brought to the hospital, but then passed away due to complications. I was still young when all of those happened but it’s still clear in my memory how I was at home that time when I saw and heard Lola Ba bring the news to our relatives that day --- March 3rd of 2003. I saw how Lola Ba and Tita Ems cried while talking about what happened.

It was hard losing someone. I may have not felt the pain as much as my parents felt it way back, losing a jolly child who brought so much happiness and light in our lives, but I miss him. He loved dancing to music, Jollibee’s spaghetti, sweeping, and he loves Mama so much. He was a very sweet child. And I know that everything happened for a reason. He left us so soon but I know that it was part of God’s plan. The whole family and I know that Yves has served his purpose. He’s now our sweet angel and he will forever be in our hearts.

Day 2: Long Over Due Jog with Rose

Rose and I have always planned to go on a jog since we were still in college. Every time I go home from Baguio for vacation, we always make a plan to go jogging but we already graduated and all and it never happened until today, November 2 (LOL). I invited her for a jog at Narciso this afternoon. Papa wanted to drop me off so I decided to fetch Rose at their house. When we were on our way, I also informed Clyde just in case he wanted to go and jog, too. He went there too but he just watched us the whole time. He also tricked us. He treated us with a lot of food after our run (so useless din yung itinakbo namin!!!).

Day 3: la vié est belle — the gifts of family and friends

Just like the old and usual bonding that we do in the family, we had a picnic at the beach this morning. After a very long time, I got to enjoy the beach again (for real!).

Before the day ends, too, an unplanned meetup with the grade school friends happened. What we talked about was to meet and chill at Capitol beachfront but we ended up going to the town proper and ate at McDonalds instead just like the old times. It was a time well spent again with these friends. It’s always a blast (of laughter and mockery) with these people even after a long time of not talking and seeing each other.

Day 4: Blogging Time!

After spending some time with family and friends these past days, I allotted today for my blog. I have to catch up with my pending blog post entries and so I wrote and publish two volumes of my A Weekend in My Life series today.

A Day in My Life vol. 1: The Girl Who Wears Her Heart on Her Sleeves (plus, Christmas is Here!)

(November 10)

It was a hard and an emotional week for me so chilling out today was what I really needed. I already took the day off from work yesterday because I wasn’t really feeling well and I wasn’t sure if I could still take another crap without snapping out. I needed to breathe and to take a pause (Read on a blog post I wrote entitled, “To The Girl Who Always Wears Her Heart on Her Sleeves” to know more). And that’s what I exactly did today.

Christmas is here!

The plan was to chill at Starbucks to do some journaling and blogging with Jessa and JM. We spent the rest of the afternoon at SB and the night chilling, eating, and listening to the live bands.

Greenfield District’s already ready for Christmas and the ambiance in the whole place made me so happy and relaxed today. Christmas is my favorite season and having to watch the fireworks display, and seeing the Christmas lights and the giant Christmas tree made me so giddy. It was a day well spent!

A Weekend in My Life vol. 4: A Day at Divisoria (ft. My First MRT Experience Alone) and a Date with the Homies at Greenfield

Nov 17 | Divisoria Day and Riding the MRT by Myself

Today’s the day that Roel and I had set to go to Divisoria to canvass and buy some of the props and costumes that we will be needing for our New Hire’s Presentation. We agreed to meet at Magallanes MRT station so I didn’t have a choice but to ride the MRT alone to get there. It was the third time that I tried riding the MRT but it was the first time that I didn’t have anyone with me. There were a lot of funny and epic fail moments about today but thank goodness, we survived. It was a very tiring day!

Nov 18 | A Date with the Homies

After Jessa and I went to the mall to buy some stuff, we met with Ate Mae and Ynah, our cousins, at Greenfield. They went to Church and wanted to meet with us so we decided to chill at Greenfield. It wasn’t that long since they still had to go home to Cavite and it was starting to get late so we decided to part ways after an hour or so. It was a short date but it was great seeing these homies again.

A Day in My Life Vol. 2: Pizza Night and the Ayala Christmas Lights

(November 22)

Since it was ate Cami’s birthday last August 15th, her squad, surprised her today. I got invited to join them for a Pizza Night at S&R and have decided to see the Ayala lights afterwards too. It was nice watching the lights tonight.

A Weekend in My Life vol. 5: NHP Rehearsal and a Dream Come True

NHP Rehearsal

The group set a practice last November 24, Saturday, since there were only a few days left before the Year-end Party and we still had to polish our choreography and finalize the blockings. I never expected that I would enjoy this thing this much. I’ll miss this crazy bunch afterwards, that’s for sure.

“Teacher Jelyn”: A Dream Come True

This year’s really been about stepping out of my comfort zone. Today, November 25th, it is my first official day as “Teacher Jelyn” in the KIDS Ministry at Church. My heart is very full.

PS. Also tried ZARK’s Burger for the first time today and tasted their Three-pointer.

The 2018 Year-End Party White Mayhem

Last November 29 was the company’s year-end party. The party was held at the Green Sun hotel. Aside from dressing up, dancing to the music, and having fun with the colleagues, for me, the highlight of the party was really the New Hires Presentation.

Months ago, I remember saying that I was not excited about this whole presentation thing. But guess what? After months of rehearsals and being with my groupmates (Team Queen), surprisingly, I enjoyed the entire process. I enjoyed performing and sharing the stage with these wonderful and amazing people that night. And it was an honor to share the second place-win with the team! Even if we didn’t bring home the title of being this year’s champions, we still feel like “we are the champions of the world.” We did our best, invested our time and efforts on this, had entertained the audience, and made new friendships and these for us are priceless. Team Bon Jovi really deserved the win too!

#monthly highlights

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my-one-love-is-music · 6 years ago

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Be My Player 2? Ch. 26

Sorry for the delay in posting, y'all. This chapter has been ready for a few days, but I didn't have a chance to post it over the weekend.

Also on AO3!

“Keith!”

He looked up and found Hunk barreling towards him. Keith grinned and accepted the hug from his friend. “Hey,” he said.

“It’s been so long since we’ve gotten to hang out.”

“I know,” Keith sighed. “I was hoping to spend more time with you guys over break, but…”

“Nah, don’t worry about it. Pidge and I had our own stuff going on, too. We went and visited our families and I’m sure you spent some more time with Shiro,” he said with a smirk.

Keith flushed and tugged at the edges of his beanie, his breath fogging in front of him in the cold air. “Yeah…”

They pushed through the doors of their academic building and Keith sighed happily at the warmth.

“What’s that look for?” Hunk asked, pulled him from his thoughts.

“What?” Keith asked.

“That smile,” he said. “You look happy about something.”

Keith bit his lip and stuffed his hands in his pockets despite being out of the cold.

“Keithhhhhh?” Hunk asked, elbowing him in the arm.

“Shiro and I…”

“Yeah?”

“We told each other that we love each other.”

Hunk gasped and grinned. He pulled Keith into a rough hug. “That’s amazing! I’m so happy for you guys!”

Keith grinned and nodded. “I know. Never thought I’d see the day.”

“This is huge, man. Pidge is going to be so excited.”

“I’m going to be so excited about what?”

They turned and found Pidge grinning behind them. She pulled her hat off her head and shook out her hair.

“I saw you guys and thought I’d stop by and catch up before class,” she said, walking over to them. “Had to sprint across the quad to make it, but what’s it really matter anyway, right? So what’s up?”

“Keith and Shiro said their ‘I love yous,’” Hunk explained.

“That’s great!” she exclaimed, looking up at Keith. “And perfect since you’ll be seeing him again over spring break,” she added with a smirk.

“I know,” he said. “I’m really looking forward to it.”

“You’re going to have to buy plane tickets soon though, aren’t you?” she asked.

Keith nodded. “Yeah, I should probably take care of that this weekend. Amidst the new round of shifts and homework that I’m going to get this week.” He sighed.

“But it’s your last semester. Just remember that,” Hunk said, patting him on the back. “We can have stressed, job hunting parties where we order pizza and do drunk job applications.”

Keith chuckled. “That doesn’t sound too bad.”

“You can invite the boyfriend, too,” Pidge added. “He can join us over Skype.”

“Sure,” Keith said. “When are you guys free next? We should get started on this as soon as possible.”

Hunk hummed. “Are you good for Friday in two weeks? We could do then.”

Keith furrowed his brow, trying to think over his schedule. “I need to double-cheek my schedule, but I think I should be okay. Once we get our schedules worked out, I can ask Shiro. He should be good for whenever we decide to do it.”

“Cool,” Pidge said with a grin. “We’re all in charge of bringing a bottle of the strongest stuff you want. You can go for whisky, vodka, tequila, I don’t care which. And then we’ll split the cost of the pizza. Keith you can crash on the couch after.”

Keith nodded. “If the night goes how I think it’s going to go, I’m going to need it.”

“Great!” Pidge said. “I gotta get to class. I’ll see you guys later.”

“See you,” Hunk and Keith said. They waved her off as she hurried down the hallway. Keith and Hunk turned to the stairwell and started climbing. When they reached the second floor, Hunk broke off and Keith continued to the third floor where his class was.

Keith pulled out his phone, weaving expertly around other people in the hallway as he approached his classroom. He typed out a quick message to Shiro, smile pulling at his lips even though he hadn’t sent it yet.

Keith: So…in a couple weeks Pidge and Hunk and I are planning to have a night in where we get drunk and submit job applications and wanted to know if you wanted to join us?

He pushed open the door to his classroom and made for his seat in the back. Shiro’s reply came before he managed to sit down.

Shiro: How exactly am I supposed to join you? Fly up there? I wouldn’t mind taking a vacation after the first two weeks of classes.

Keith rolled his eyes.

Keith: You’re not allowed to skip class and come up here. I’m talking about over Skype. We Skype you in while we work on applications.

Shiro: Ahhh, I see. Use the power of technology so it actually seems like I’m there.

Keith: Shut up, Shiro

Shiro: Love you, too, babe

Keith bit his lip, his stomach flipping happily at the words. It still didn’t seem real. And he never got tired of saying it or hearing the sentiment from Shiro. They loved each other, and it was the best thing he could ever ask for.

Shiro: I might see if Lance and Allura want to join in. We could have our party here and your party there.

Keith: Sure. The point is to get drunk and apply for jobs so Hunk and Pidge wouldn’t mind. We already wanted to have you there so it’s no problem. And I’m sure it will be a lot more fun for you so you’re not alone in your apartment.

Shiro: What time should I tell them?

Keith: We’re not sure on the exact details yet. I need to check my work schedule so we’re going to finalize the rest later

Shiro: You should just take the night off so we can definitely make it for then

Keith: Can’t. Gotta make the money. Keith: I need it for when I come see you

Shiro: Only another two months Shiro: God, I can’t wait until I get to see you again.

Keith: Me too.

The door to the classroom was pulled open and Keith looked up to find his professor striding inside.

Keith: Talk later. Prof’s here which means class.

Shiro: Have fun!

Keith grinned and tucked his phone away, pulling out his books.

Keith stared at his computer. He was in his living room with his feet propped up on the coffee table. He’d gone through to update his resume and knew he had all the right information on it, but it still didn’t feel good enough. And he hadn’t even started applying for jobs yet. Now more than ever, he wished that a job could fall from the sky and land in his lap. It would save him a lot of stress and the rejection he knew was coming.

He sighed and ran a hand down his face. “Whatever. I can worry more about this later.”

He checked the time and saw that it was getting late. He saved his resume and closed out of the document, grabbing his textbook from the coffee table. He leaned back and flipped open to the page of his assigned reading.

If he wasn’t careful, he was going to end up getting behind on his reading and schoolwork and that’s something he couldn’t afford to do. Not when he had work and job applications on the line. He’d come this far and worked his ass off, he wasn’t going to start failing classes when he was almost finished with school.

Keith sat forward, planting his feet on the floor. He rubbed at his eyes to try and clear away his exhaustion and focus on the words in front of him. School was most important, and he couldn’t let it slip, no matter what else he was worried about.

Keith yawned, covering his mouth with his hand.

“Someone looks tired.”

He looked up from the drink he was preparing and saw Kayla had slipped behind the counter without him noticing. He smiled.

“Yeah,” he sighed. “Getting back into school has hit hard and I’m trying to balance everything.”

She nodded. “Yeah, I can understand. I’ve got a load of credits this semester and I don’t think any of my professors are going to be taking things easy.”

Keith chuckled. “Yeah. Not to mention job applications.”

“Job applications?” she asked. “Are you leaving?”

“It’s my last semester so I’m going to need a real person job.”

“Oooh,” she said. “I didn’t realize you were getting ready to graduate.”

“Yeah, I’m trying not to stress too much, but I can already feel the pressure of needing to have a job lined up when I graduate.”

“Where are you looking?” she asked as she pulled out a bottle from under the counter.

Keith shrugged. “I haven’t thought about it too much. I guess I’d go somewhere down south. I want to work with a space program, but I’m not sure how easy it would be to get on with NASA.”

Kayla whistled. “Surely there are other groups down there though.”

“A few, I think,” Keith said.

“Well, I’m sure you’ll find something,” she said.

“Yeah…”

Keith stared down at his hands as he worked, keeping mostly to himself.

“You know,” Kayla said, pulling him from his thoughts. “If you needed help with the applications or finding jobs, I wouldn’t mind helping.”

Keith swallowed, grabbing the drink ticket from the server before they could even set it down. “Thanks, but I can handle it. I’m getting together with my friends in a couple weeks and we’re going to do a lot of work on applications and resumes.”

“Oh,” she said behind him. “Well if you need any help, I don’t mind, and it’ll be good experience for when I have to do it later…” she trailed of with a tight laugh.

“Yeah,” Keith said, expertly mixing the drink for the order. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

He set it on the tray with the ticket and dumped his mixers into the sink to clean.

“I can do that,” Kayla said, holding out a hand.

“Don’t worry about it. I got it, it’s fine,” Keith said, keeping his head down. He checked a sigh and was ready to kick himself. He wasn’t trying to sound like an asshole, but the turn in the conversation had made him uncomfortable and he really wanted to pull out his phone and call Shiro. He sighed and closed his eyes, slowing his movements so he didn’t splash water over the side of the sink.

He only had a few more months to go before they were going to be together again. It wasn’t that long, and they’d have plenty of fun next weekend doing job applications and getting drunk. He looked over his shoulder and saw Kayla leaning against the counter further away from him. Her arms were crossed over her chest and she was staring off to the side.

Keith almost wanted to apologize. He rinsed off his mixers and started drying them.

“Look,” he said, catching Kayla’s attention. She glanced over at him before looking away. “Sorry if I was kind of harsh, I just...I just don’t really the need the extra help is all.”

“I think I should be the one apologizing,” Kayla said. “I shouldn’t have been so pushy.”

Keith shrugged and started putting the mixer pieces away.

“I just thought it might be kind of fun to hang out outside of work.”

“Don’t take it personally,” Keith said, “but I don’t have much time to hang out with my own friends outside of work, let alone anyone else. Most of the time I actually do see them is when we run into each other on campus between classes.”

Kayla nodded. A server walked by and set down a new ticket. Kayla got to it before Keith could and he watched her work, noticing the droop to her shoulders, but if she was already making a second attempt so soon after asking him out the first time, something inside of him knew that this wouldn’t be the last time.

Keith shivered when he stepped inside his apartment. The warmth was a nice change from the freezing temperatures outside and he brushed the snow from his beanie and his jacket. Now that they were in the midst of winter, he knew it wasn’t going to be long before the inches started to accumulate, and he’d have to wade through snow to get to class and work. He toed out of his boots and left them in the entryway. He winced at how much salt and slush he was going to end up dragging inside when the weather really got bad.

He pulled out his phone and sent off a quick message to Shiro.

Keith: I’m so tired. Zzzzz I’m ready for spring break

He tossed his jacket over the back of his desk chair and set the beanie on his desk. He sighed, and landed heavily on the edge of his bad, falling back onto the mattress as sleep tugged at him. His phone vibrated, and he rolled onto his side even though his legs were still hanging over the edge of the bed.

Shiro: I’m ready for you to be here, too. I was gonna ask if you wanted to watch a show or maybe play a round of Voltron tonight, but that’s probably a hard no, isn’t it?

Keith: You have no idea. Getting back into school has been kicking my ass. Not to mention this girl at work….

Shiro: You wanna talk about it?

Keith: She’s just…she’s apparently not one to give up.

Shiro: Isn’t that a good thing?

Keith: When it comes to work? Yes. When it comes to trying to get me to go on a date with her? Hell no.

Shiro: Oh

Keith: Yeah, I told her I was seeing someone, but apparently that’s not enough. Little does she know that I have the hottest boyfriend ever waiting for me in Florida.

Shiro: Keithhhhhh

Keith grinned and chuckled.

Keith: What’s wrong, baby? Are you getting flustered?

Instead of getting a new text message, his phone started ringing. Keith grinned and answered.

“Hello?”

“You’re so mean,” Shiro groaned.

“Am I not allowed to use pet names with you now?” he asked with a laugh. His stress and exhaustion were starting to lighten slightly. He imagined that if Shiro was there with him, his responsibilities wouldn’t seem half as bad as they were.

“No…” he grumbled, sounding like he was burying his face in the pillow.

“Come on, bayyyy-beeee,” Keith cooed.

He heard a muffled noise come over the line and smiled. He closed his eyes and imagined what Shiro looked like. He imagined his cheeks were bright red and he had the bottom half of his face hidden behind a pillow while he held the phone up to his other ear.

God, he missed that man.

“Anyway,” he continued after the silence stretched between them. “How is school for you? You’re probably not having as rough a time as I am.”

“It’s not too bad,” Shiro said, voice light. Keith could see him rolling onto his back to stare up at the ceiling and smiled. “Most of the professors I have this semester have been ones I’ve had before which means less scrutiny when it comes to my arm.”

“Wait…” Keith said. “Do professors give you shit over your prosthetic?” he asked, sitting up.

“Well…I wouldn’t say they give me shit exactly…but they always kind of stare at it during the first few classes until they get used to seeing it. Sometimes they don’t even stop then,” he muttered.

Keith felt anger coil in his gut and frowned. He fell back on his bed with a huff. “When I come down there you should introduce me to anyone who’s giving you shit and I’ll kick their asses.”

“Keith, you don’t need to-“

“I’m serious, Shiro. I’ll fight them on the street. The cowards,” he growled.

Shiro laughed. “Okay, Keith,” he said, softly.

Keith huffed, his anger draining out of him. “Hey,” he said. “If I don’t have too much homework over the weekend, do you feel like gaming or watching a movie or show on Saturday? It would be pretty late, and I know it hasn’t been that long since our last one, but…”

“Sure,” Shiro said. “I’d like that. And next time we’ll have a split party where we get drunk and do job applications,” he said with a snicker.

“Ugh,” he groaned. “Don’t remind me.”

“It’ll be okay. You’re cute and smart, and companies would be stupid not to hire you. Isn’t that right, baby?”

Keith smiled and bit his lip. “We’ll have to wait and see, I guess.”

He yawned and placed a hand over his mouth.

“You should get to bed,” Shiro said. “Don’t want you to fall asleep in class and it’s getting pretty late over there.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right,” Keith said, rubbing his eye. “I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

“Sure thing. Don’t work too hard and don’t stress too much.”

Keith breathed a laugh. “Okay. Love you, Shiro.”

“I love you, too, Keith,” Shiro said, voice soft.

Keith bit his lip and pulled his phone from his ear, ending the call. He sighed and stood from his bed, grabbing his pajamas so he could change in the bathroom before bed. His dreams were probably going to be filled with images and memories of Shiro again, but he couldn’t really complain when it was just as good as reality. Even if they were separated for the moment.

If you enjoy my work, please reblog or consider buying me a ko-fi!

#sheith #voltron #molim writes #fic: player 2?#fic update

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thisdaynews · 4 years ago

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Sans Divided As Malami Weakens NBA Powers In New Gazette

New Post has been published on https://thebiafrastar.com/sans-divided-as-malami-weakens-nba-powers-in-new-gazette/

Sans Divided As Malami Weakens NBA Powers In New Gazette

A new gazette by the Attorney General of the Federation and Minister of Justice, Abubakar Malami (SAN), which supposedly weakens the powers of the Nigerian Bar Association has caused division among some Senior Advocates of Nigeria and lawyers in the country.

Malami had amended the Rules of Professional Conduct for Legal Practitioners 2007, removing the requirement for the NBA stamp and seal on court processes.

Before now, membership of the NBA was compulsory for all lawyers and the stamps and seals were sold at N4,000 for 72 pieces and were given upon payment of NBA dues.

Without the stamp, a lawyer could not submit any document or letter to the court and the sale of the stamp and seal was one of the major sources of NBA’s revenue.

However, with the amendment of the process by Malami, the use of the stamps is no longer necessary. This also implies that persons who are not members of the NBA, including non-lawyers, are allowed to submit court processes.

The development occurred less than a week after a splinter group known as the New NBA, wrote a petition to Malami asking to be recognised by the Federal Government.

The gazette – marked S.I N0.15 of 2020 issued by AGF and dated September 3, 2020, which was obtained by Sunday PUNCH – reads in part, “In exercise of the powers conferred on me by section 12(4) of the Legal Practitioners Act Cap L11, LFN 2004 and of all other powers enabling me in that behalf, I, Abubakar Malami, SAN, Attorney General of the Federation and Minister of Justice and President, General Council of the Bar, make the following rules:

“The Rules of Professional Conduct for Legal Practitioners, 2007 is amended by deleting the following rules, namely: 9(2), 10, 11, 12 and 13.

“These rules may be cited as the Rules of Professional Conduct for Legal Practitioners (Amendment) Rules, 2020.”

The NBA had become factionalised last month following the decision of the association to withdraw its invitation to Kaduna State Governor, Mallam Nasir El-Rufai, who had been billed to speak at its Annual General Conference.

Thousands of persons, mostly lawyers, had called on the NBA to rescind its invitation to El-Rufai, who was accused of several cases of human rights abuse and being unable to address the killings in southern Kaduna.

Following the decision of the NBA to rescind its invitation to the governor, several northern branches of the NBA boycotted the conference and interpreted the act as one based on religious and tribal considerations.

A group of mostly northern lawyers led by Nuhu Ibrahim and Abdulbasit Suleiman subsequently set up the New NBA, otherwise known as the NNBA, and wrote a letter to the AGF asking the nation’s chief law officer to recognise the splinter group as a new association.

However, while some senior advocates and lawyers described Malami’s action as illegal, others disagreed.

The NBA spokesperson, Dr Rapulu Nduka, told one of our correspondents that the development was surprising, adding that the association was not carried along.

“We were not carried along and we will definitely ensure that it is reversed. We just woke up to the news of the amendment like every other person. We are consulting with stakeholders and we will make a decision on the next step,” he said.

A human rights lawyer, Ebun-Olu Adegboruwa (SAN), said Malami ought to have consulted widely before making the move, which he said would greatly affect the revenues of the NBA. He, however, said it was unlikely that the AGF had taken sides with the splinter NBA group.

Adegboruwa also said once the seal and stamp were no longer used, the development could lead to an increase in the number of fake lawyers in the country.

He said, “The issue of stamp and seal has helped in removing fake lawyers from our midst and I think it will serve as a setback if you go back to that regime when you cannot identify a lawyer through his processes. As we speak, other professionals like engineers, surveyors are embracing stamp and seal as a way of identifying their members.

“The stamp, which is a means of generating funds, helps in making the NBA self-sufficient so that it will not be running to politicians and non-lawyers to raise funds. Even though I agree that the AGF as the President of the General Council of the Bar has powers to make regulations, but he ought to consult with those who are affected, namely the NBA, the Body of Senior Advocates and even judges because we are all in the same profession.”

Also, a former Chairman of the National Human Rights Commission, Prof Chidi Odinkalu, described the AGF’s action as illegal.

In a series of tweets, Odinkalu said he was not surprised that Malami, “who has a penchant for disobeying court orders,” would not take such illegal action.

He said, “The Attorney General and Minister of Justice, Abubakar Malami, claims to have amended Rules of Professional Conduct in the legal profession under powers conferred by S.12(4l) of Legal Practitioners Act. We have a HAGF who can’t do basic due diligence.

“The only way to go is to totally disregard and ignore this alleged amendment by Malami. It does not exist and did not happen. It seems clear that Malami decided to go rogue on this – as on other things as he has on the disobedience of court orders – because he knows that he can’t get his proposal through the bar council. Few tragedies are as awful as an attorney general with no regard for the law.”

Also, a human rights lawyer, Inibehe Effiong, said the AGF’s action was “blatantly” illegal because the power to amend the rules was the exclusive preserve of the general council of the bar and not of one person.

“For him to unilaterally do this is outrageous. In any event, it seems no consultation was done. Leaders of the NBA were not properly consulted. For the AGF to do this just shortly after some renegade members of the bar petitioned him smacks of ill-motive and conspiracy. He is the worst AGF in history,” he said.

Effiong said, indeed, the NBA ought not to have commercialised the stamp and seal as it was exploitative. He, however, said the AGF should stop acting as if he was above the law.

Another lawyer, Oliver Omoredia, said in an article published on barristerng.com that the move by the AGF could spell doom for the NBA.

“In the wake of the controversies rocking the NBA, with a splinter group and strong attempts to divide the NBA, the amendments of the RPC to remove what is perhaps the most significant influence of the NBA in the affairs of all legal practitioners, is perhaps the last straw that broke the camel’s back,” he said.

However, a human rights lawyer, Femi Falana (SAN), said although he agreed that the AGF’s action was illegal, “it is good riddance to bad rubbish.”

He said, “The NBA is a victim of impunity it nurtured to grow and develop. I have always opposed the stamp and seal because it was meant to restrict access to the temple of justice. Why must every court process be stamped by a lawyer when litigants have the constitutional rights to either appear for themselves or be defended by legal practitioners of their choice? In the Second Republic, the late Professor Ayodele Awojobi, a mechanical engineer, was the leading public litigator in the country. As a layman, he prepared and argued his own cases from the High Court up to the Supreme Court.

“However, I agree with some of my colleagues who have argued that the amendment is illegal as it was not enacted by the General Council of the Bar. With respect, the argument is rather contradictory because the NBA was very happy when the 2007 Rules of Professional Conduct were enacted by the then AGF on behalf of the General Council of the Bar without any meeting. That was how every lawyer was compelled to affix the stamp and seal to all processes signed by lawyers. It had nothing to do with enhancing the quality of justice but designed to enrich the NBA.”

Falana added that “our colleagues must stop playing the ethnic card of the reactionary elite.”

Also, Mr Jubrin Okutepa (SAN) said both the manner of introduction of the stamp and seal through the amendment of the Rules of Professional Conduct for Legal Practitioners by the then AGF in 2007 and the removal of the same provisions via another amendment by the incumbent AGF in 2020 followed the due process of law.

“If in 2007, the Honourable Attorney General of the Federation issued the Rules of Professional Conduct without passing through the General Council of the Bar, which is the body that is statutorily empowered to make rules, and lawyers opened their eyes wide and accepted it, because the rules benefitted the Nigerian Bar Association, because of the money that was to be paid for stamp and seal, how do they now wake up to condemn an amendment by the Honourable Attorney General of the Federation removing the payment of money and say it is illegal?” he asked.

On his part, Chief Adeniyi Akintola (SAN) said there were consultations leading to the amendment carried out by the AGF.

He said, “There were consultations. I know that there were consultations. But whether the consultations were wide enough is what I don’t know.

“He (the AGF) is the Chairman of the General Council of the Bar and I am a member. If you are a member and you don’t attend meetings, can you blame the other members who take decisions? You can consult members of the General Council of the Bar.

“It (removal of stamp and seal) was a good intention but it was making too much money available to the national and branch officers. Because of the money, some lawyers have stopped going to court. If there is anything that will stem this tide, at least it should be welcomed.”

Meanwhile, Malami’s spokesperson, Umar Gwandu, had yet to respond to an inquiry from this newspaper as of press time.

We may go to court over removal of stamp and seal – NBA

The Nigerian Bar Association said on Saturday that the removal of the stamp-and-seal from the Rules of Professional Conduct for Legal Practitioners by the Attorney-General of the Federation did not follow due process.

The National Publicity Secretary of the NBA, Dr Rapuluchukwu Nduka, said the leadership of the association had no fore-knowledge of the amendment of the RPC carried out by the AGF and only read about it like every other person.

Faulting the amendment as illegal, Nduka said there was no evidence that the amendment had the approval of the bar council.

He said the NBA would take any step within the ambit of the law including going to court to ensure the reversal.

Nduka said, “Concerning the publication about the amendment of the RPC (Rules of Professional Conduct), we saw it the way every other person saw it. I woke up this morning to see the publication. We want to believe that some things are not right. One of the things that is that it cannot be amended just that way. The law gives the power to the Bar Council to do the amendment. From what we hear, no member of the Bar Council who is a member of the NBA was aware. There was no meeting of the Bar Council when such decision was made.

“Up till now we also don’t have any official communication to that effect.

“We will be asking that some clarifications be made. Once we have the clarification I can tell you that any other steps including going to court to ensure the right thing is done will be taken. We are a law-abiding institutional body, we can’t just do anything outside the ambit of the law. We will take every step within the ambit of the law to ensure that the proper things are done. Even if it means going to court, we won’t be constrained to do that.”

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ellawritesficssometimes · 7 years ago

Text

My Save Year: ch. 4

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12554533/1/My-Save-Year

Summary: Depressed and rejected by his family, Arthur longs for a new beginning during his first year of university. There he meets Alfred, an optimistic bright-eyed oaf with a sunny smile. An unlikely romance develops between them, one that was already doomed from the beginning. (USUK, multichapter)

Mid-October…

Prof. Braginski dismissed us from the lecture fifteen minutes earlier than usual. The new location of the lecture was desolate, much farther from the other buildings on campus. This was already the third switch up of classrooms; the class was nearly down to half its size. Most students dropped out because of the course’s inconsistency, choosing to take the online version instead.

Francis, Antonio, Lovino, Gilbert, and myself, on the other hand, stubbornly stuck it through with the original course. We were very much visual learners and had to see the material presented to us in order to truly engage with it.

Although, it was hard to listen to Prof. Braginski without feeling sorry for him. The man looked like he hadn’t caught a wink of sleep judging by the dark bags under his eyes. Everyone in the University stayed far away from him because of the paranormal rumours attached to his reputation.

Hell, we’d all experienced the random bangs and moans of ghosts haunting the classrooms he taught at. Although, only Francis and I could hear the latter. Still, it was hard for anyone to dispute that there was some sort of paranormal activity going on.

So far, this third location proved to be the quietest in terms of hauntings. The lights flickered, but that’s about it. We were located in a dingy basement of a church, using desks that were hardly big enough to place a laptop on. It was crowded and humid despite the cool fall weather outside.

Just as I was about to leave with Francis – we managed to tolerate each other now, and could even be considered just a tad bit more than acquaintances – Prof. Braginski asked me to stay back.

I complied and met the professor at the front podium.

Prof. Braginski gathered his papers before neatly placing them in his briefcase. “Ah, Mr. Kirkland, I’ve been meaning to speak to you for a while now,” he said apologetically, snow-white hair shining under the artificial fluorescent lights.

“I’m sure you’re aware that you’ve received the highest mark in the class for the first assignment, da?”

I nodded my head. My cheeks warmed. I was unsure of myself and quite frankly didn’t know how to react to praise. “Yes, sir, you sent me an email to inform me of this last week.”

Prof. Braginski straightened, readjusting his scarf in preparation for baring against the cold weather. “That long ago, huh?” he chuckled. “My apologies. If it’s any consolation, I have been quite busy lately with booking new classroom locations, as well as re-grading assignments. Many people in the class weren’t pleased with the results they received. Most of the time, these are the students who don’t attend any of my lectures.”

I nodded awkwardly, still unsure of what to say. The Russian was very intimidating up-close. He looked like he was capable of cracking a spoon with his thumb alone.

“Anyways, I just wanted to congratulate you,” Prof. Braginski continued. His violet eyes shined with kindness. “I know what’s its like to be an emerging writer. It’s tough, because you never truly know if you’re good enough. You’re always criticizing your writing, unable to see the talent laying right out before you like a shining beacon. Doubt is blinding like that.

“I try to tell students not to think that way when they get better. Just because you improve doesn’t mean that you were horrible before… I expect a lot of things from you, Mr. Kirkland. It was an immense pleasure reading your work. You just have such a way of getting down to the gritty details of how a character feels. It was almost paralyzing to read, and yet, I couldn’t unglue my eyes from the paper.”

“T-thank you, sir,” I stammered robotically. “This means a lot to me. Really, it does.”

“Anytime,” Prof. Braginski smiled. “All it takes is a bit of encouragement. We writers, we’re always so insecure about ourselves. Sometimes all it takes is a little push from someone who knows exactly what you’re going through.”

“I know what you mean,” I replied, wide-eyed. Briefly, my thoughts traced back to Alfred before focusing on Prof. Braginski’s slightly hooked nose. I was too shy to establish direct eye contact with him.

“So, have you started on the second prompt yet? I’m sure that you have. The deadline is fast approaching. What is it? Two weeks until it’s due?”

Our second prompt was to write a historical fiction piece. The time or genre didn’t matter so long as it was before 1960. We could depict anything we wanted to.

“Yes, sir,” I answered politely. “I’ve begun research in the library, and intend to continue it right now, actually. This was my last class of the day.”

“Oh, well, I won’t keep you for much longer then,” Prof. Braginski pursed his lips in approval. “Now, keep in mind this offer may not stand if I decide to leave next semester, but if I do decide to stay, I’m always looking for an assistant. This position would build you a lot of credit, and I’d be happy to invite you to a writer’s residency program afterwards. I see lots of potential in you, and I would hate for it to go unrecognized.”

“I…I don’t know what to say other than thank you,” I said, mouth gaped open like a bloody idiot. “I don’t know what I did to deserve–”

“Nyet! None of that,” Prof. Braginski interrupted, kindly. “You deserve every opportunity this world has to offer. I only offer this to students who I believe have a future in writing. Don’t question it, but rather accept your talent for what it is and hone in on it; tweak it; perfect it; and then, share it to the world, touch and reach the hearts of others, and maybe then, you’ll achieve the happiness you’ve long sought after.”

There was a knowing look in Prof. Braginski’s eyes as he clapped a hand over my shoulder. “When I was your age, I was stunted by a fear of rejection. It brought me many pains, and…” he paused. I could almost swear that tears were swimming in his old, wise gaze.

“…some ‘experiences’ I would rather not talk about. The point is, Mr. Kirkland, is to never let doubt plague you from achieving what you want. Don’t think, act. Now go, you have another marvelous one-shot to write for me. I very much look forward to reading it once it’s complete.”

Stunned, I stumbled forward. I had completely blanked out and forgotten what I had said to Prof. Braginski as I left the lecture room.

I was finally able to breathe again once I made it into the library.

The relief didn’t last long as I had to duck and creep past the study tables on the first floor. Matthew was holding his weekly Friday Homework club session, and since Francis was a stalker, he had long decided to attend them.

All right, to be fair, Gilbert first went to the meetings, and since Gilbert went, Antonio and Francis went too. Lovino was also forced to attend because of Antonio.

What was important was that Francis mainly came to these meetings because he wanted to check up on me. I avoided him because I didn’t want him to find out what I was doing here, other than working. I’d solve the case of the rooftop without his help, thank you very much.

It was hard enough coming up with excuses of why I couldn’t attend the meetings as all five of us walked over to the library together after class. Apparently, studying alone was beginning to lose its potency as an effective justification for not joining them.

Francis turned and eyed the bookcase I was using to hide/ walk behind. He was waiting for me to walk into the library, likely planning to use another guilt-trip tactic. Just because I tolerated him now didn’t mean that I wanted to spend every waking minute with him. Living together was more than enough.

Sapphire eyes narrowed before shifting their gaze to Matthew, who had cleared his throat several times to garner the Frenchman’s attention.

“Francis, focus on your work!” Matthew timidly scolded. He had about as much assertiveness as an endangered baby panda.

“Ah…oui,” Francis bashfully rubbed the back of his neck.

“Kesesese! Oh look, you made the little birdie angry,” Gilbert cackled.

“Gilbert, what did I say about you calling me that?” Matthew deadpanned.

“I’ll keep calling you as such until you finally agree to go out on a date with me,” Gilbert countered, a definite smirk on his face judging by the tone he used. “They don’t call me five meters for nothing…”

Lovino yawned and picked up his mobile. “Hi, yes, operator? I’d like to report a case of unnecessary sexual harassment.”

Antonio snickered. Lovino’s comment was unnecessary. Shy as he was, Matthew was more than capable of looking after himself.

“I’m starting to think that they call you five meters because of all the restraining orders people have filed against you,” Matthew huffed.

“OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Smirking, I left for the rickety metal staircase leading up to the third floor. I couldn’t use the elevator, since it was in plain sight of the study group. God forbid that I had more than one social interaction today.

I wanted to look at the records’ section again. I was contemplating doing a piece about someone who had lived here in the past. Obviously, I would adjust the storyline and names and keep it tasteful, but I think it would be interesting if I wrote about what it was like to have attended this university many years ago. The spirits here that I’ve met already only attested to how rich and dark the school’s history was.

But, before I got to that, I had a certain yank to greet. Alfred waited for me at 4PM on weekdays where we met and chatted on the library’s rooftop. On the weekends, we had also grown accustomed to studying at the ‘food’ table in the fiction section together. As you can probably guess, I had yet to come up with any leads about the food snatching.

Not yet anyway.

The moment I stepped foot onto the rooftop, Alfred exploded. He was even more jittery than usual. “Dude, where were you? You’re late! I…I was beginning to worry,” he trailed off, solemnly reseating himself as I sat next to him on a bench. He was perfectly comfortable with me sitting next to him now.

“Sorry, one of my professors asked me to stay back,” I apologized for reasons inexplicable. When Alfred pouted like that I immediately felt sorry regardless if his sadness was irrational or not.

“He wanted to congratulate me for doing well on my first assignment. You know, the one I sent in last month?” I explained.

Alfred angrily scribbled in his notebook. “Yeah, yeah, you told me,” he muttered. “Good for you.”

I rolled my eyes. “What’s wrong now?”

Alfred ignored me. His cheeks weren’t just pink from the cold.

“Alfred, don’t be a twat. Tell me.”

“I thought you got tired of me and weren’t going to come again!” Alfred blurted out. “Sorry! I know I’m being irrational!” he chuckled. “Anxiety man, it really likes to mess with your brain, huh?”

“You’re correct. You are being irrational. We’ve been friends for how long now? Six weeks? Seven? I’m not just going to abandon you, Alfred. I couldn’t stand it if I did. Loud and crude as you may be, I truly enjoy talking to you. Just like you keep encouraging me to believe in myself, I’ll do the same for you. I like being your friend.”

“Say that. Say it again.”

“Why?” I smirked.

“Please?”

“I like being your friend, Alfred,” I huffed, crossing both my arms and ankles. Great, how was I going to tell him that I had to leave to do research?

Alfred broke out into a grin. “Thanks, buddy. I really needed that.”

I shrugged. “Anytime. Honestly, you can be so weird sometimes.”

Alfred ignored me again and began jotting down more ideas in his notebook. I had to look away when his tongue poked out of the corner of his mouth.

“So,” I let out a deep breath. Cold air clouded around my face. “How’s class going for you? Are you working on another assignment?”

“Nope, just brainstorming ideas for my War AU,” Alfred chirped. “I can do that literary bullshit essay late at night like I usually do. Class is good, boring, but good. You?”

I deadpanned. Classic Alfred. If something didn’t peak his interest, he would torture himself and leave an assignment until the very last minute. What infuriated me was that he got higher marks than students who had started weeks before him. He was naturally talented. If only he put more effort into his studies…

Alfred was bright, but not keen.

I faltered. I didn’t want to leave Alfred just yet. Watching him work and brainstorm was a guilty pleasure of mine. He wore his emotions on his face. My heart fluttered every time his eyebrows would furrow, lips pursed in thought, cerulean eyes sparking with determination. I’ll repeat myself again: he was beautiful, stunning, gorgeous, but I couldn’t have him.

“Hey,” I started. “I’m supposed to write a historical piece for my next one-shot. Would you… mind if I took a look at your ideas? I could really use the inspiration.”

Alfred’s head shot up, blond cowlick bouncing. His expression was more surprised than anything else, but he didn’t look opposed to it. “Sure, man. Suit yourself. Not that any of this is good.”

He handed the bounded notebook to me. I intended to cradle it gently, as it was very valuable to him, but ended up gasping as the notebook landed sharply on my lap – it was a lot heavier than I had expected.

“Jesus Roosevelt Christ!” I cussed. “How much does this thing weigh?”

Alfred blushed, placing a gloved fist over his mouth. “I don’t know…this is years of ideas and ink you’re looking at.”

“Clearly,” I said as I flipped through the notebook. Several extra notebooks and papers had been clipped into the binding, which explained the extra weight. Still, it was unimaginable how much this thing weighed. I could barely hold it up without feeling like my wrists were about to snap.

“Say something already!” Alfred spluttered, red up to his face, neck, and ears. “You’re killing me here!”

After some time had passed, I closed the notebook having briefly glanced over the plot and historical notes. I didn’t need to do this, I was merely fibbing around so that I didn’t have to leave Alfred right away.

I had told myself before that I wouldn’t stay with him for long. Half an hour later, and it still wasn’t enough. Spending time with Alfred was like a drug. You craved it, needed it. Instead of a high, he gave me praise and acceptance. To me, this was the only satisfaction I would ever need and couldn’t nearly get enough of.

“It’s so thorough,” I remarked in awe. “And here I thought I was a good researcher. I can’t imagine how much thought was put into this. And the characterization, my word! You really root for Allen to survive the war in the end. It’s just a pity that it seems like you’re intending to have his mental health be his final undoing. You’re not going to kill him off, are you?”

Alfred’s solemn expression indicated the opposite.

“That’s so cruel!” I complained.

“Yeah, well, life is unfair like that,” Alfred grumbled, leaning back to drape his arms over the bench. God, how I wanted him to wrap his arms around me.

I fidgeted with my hands, thinking about how I was going to break the news to Alfred. He treasured our time spent together just as much as I did, only for different reasons.

“Thank you for showing me something so personal,” I murmured softly. “That was very sweet of you.”

“Did it help?”

“Yeah,” I smiled. “I really think that it did. Which brings me to my next point. I’m afraid I can’t stay here any longer. I have some research to do for the piece, and now that my professor is expecting a lot more from me, it’s got to be absolutely perfect.”

I stood up and slung my backpack over my shoulder.

Alfred spluttered. “Wha–?! You’re leaving?! Already?!”

I gave Alfred a sad look. “Yes, that’s what I just said, didn’t I?”

“No!” Alfred fumed. He slammed his notebook into his satchel.

“What do you mean, no?!” I snapped, irritation setting in.

“You heard me, Artie,” Alfred growled. He curled his gloved hands into fists as he stood up to loom over me. “This is our daily meeting time, so wherever you go, I go.”

“Alfred,” I deadpanned, promptly ignoring the putrid nickname. “You can’t just follow me around. I have work to do.”

“Yes I can! Watch me!”

“You’re going to get bored,” I shook my head in disbelief. Meanwhile, my heartbeat sped up, hammering in my chest uncontrollably. He was going out of his way to spend time with me. Me!

“No, I won’t. Now stop talking, and get researching. I’ll eat and supervise.”

I scoffed when Alfred pulled out a PB & J sandwich from his jacket. He really fancied those from the school’s cafeteria.

“Fine,” I growled. “Just don’t be too loud. And that means chewing with your mouth closed!”

“Yep! Mhmmghgph.”

“Oh dear god,” I sighed, holding open the library’s door for him. “How can you switch from being sweet and endearing to insufferable in thirty seconds flat?”

Alfred swallowed heavily. “Beats me.”

“Don’t you have something better to do? How come you don’t socialize with your actual classmates?” I asked. I let go of the door and it swung shut with a satisfying click.

This was something I had always wondered. I only ever saw Alfred in the library, or very rarely in the cafeteria. I didn’t know what he did in his spare time, let alone which dorm building he was residing in. He was a mystery, but I never asked these things out of fear of breaching his privacy and very fragile personal bubble.

We walked together comfortably on the soft padded carpeting and approached the balcony railing that overlooked the entire library. I took a sharp right and Alfred followed.

“I do,” Alfred replied. “But you’re the one I hang out with outside of class. I like you the most. I’m getting better at initiating conversations, though! It must be because of the practice I have with you.”

Of all people, the yank had learned how to socialize better from me. How ironic.

Still, that comment made me blush furiously; I had to turn away. If he kept saying things like that…

“So!” Alfred whistled. “What type of reaching are ya doin’?”

“I’m looking up biographies or newspaper articles about people who used to attend the university. We’re supposed to write a story about the past. I figured I would write a historical fiction piece about one of the lores people on campus like to gossip about. I mean, seriously. If I hear one more suicide horror story, my ears are going to bleed!” I sighed.

Alfred inhaled sharply. “That’s uh, real weird, Artie. Where are you taking us anyway?”

“You mean where am I going?” I smugly corrected. “You’re the one following me, remember? And, the records section, of course. I have to base this piece on someone, even if I am going to change up a few things.”

“Oh,” Alfred squeaked.

I stopped abruptly, turning to shed Alfred with an annoyed glare. “Let me guess,” I started. “You’re afraid there’s going to be more ghosts in this section?”

“Well, yeah dude, that’s a fact! I know this library from head to toe! I…uh came here a lot earlier in the summer than you did! The records section is the worse because it’s about real people! I would know, I used to sit there before I moved to the rooftop!”

“Tsk! You’re such a baby.”

“Am not!” Alfred protested.

“Are…” I turned around and realized that Alfred was gone.

I nearly jumped three feet in the air when Matthew came walking around a nearby bookshelf. “I thought I heard you up here, Arthur. Francis was looking for you earlier. He wanted you to come down and join us, but the meeting’s over now… Eh, who were you talking to? I thought I heard another voice?”

“Oh just some ridiculous yank who’s a total baby and is scared of ghosts!” I spoke up just in case Alfred was nearby.

“How nice, you made a friend,” Matthew smiled. He looked eerily maternal. I stifled a sigh. “I’ll let you two fight it out then,” he smirked. There was a knowing expression on his face. “And Arthur?”

“Yes?”

“You should really start coming to the meetings. Your other friends in it would really like you to go.”

“Maybe,” I shrugged.

“Mhmmm. Bye now.”

“Like hell I will,” I finished when Matthew’s soft chuckles had faded away.

Without a certain loud-mouth to interrupt me, I began pawing through several records. I flipped through maybe five of them before jumping again at the sound of a pop can opening.

“What the hell are you doing?!” I hissed, angry because I had nearly dropped the record book I was holding.

Alfred guzzled down a can of Fanta. “What?” he whined, letting out a loud “AH!” as the carbonated bubbles scraped at his throat. “There was a vending machine nearby and I wanted something to wash the sandwich down.”

I pointed a sharp index finger at a bin around the corner. “Garbage, now. You know full well that I work at this library. You’re breaking one of the only rules here.”

“But Artieeee!”

“Don’t you ‘but Artie’ me! Now I’m going to count to ten, and if that’s not in the garbage by the time I’m done…”

“I’m not doin’ it.”

“1…”

“…”

“2…”

“…”

“3…”

“Fine! Whatever! Be a stick in the mud, see if I care.”

“Hmmph! That’s what I thought,” I conceitedly murmured to myself, and then smugly resumed my research.

Alfred had his revenge when he snuck up on me from behind and playfully jabbed my side with his thumb.

“Gotcha!”

“AH!” Since I was a very ticklish person, I jolted and accidently elbowed Alfred in the stomach.

“OOMPH!” Alfred turned and staggered backwards. He grabbed at my waist to prevent himself from falling. All he managed to do was bring me down with him.

Disorientated, it took me a solid thirty seconds before I was aware of my compromising position. I was straddling Alfred.

Horror quickly set in.

Much to my surprise, Alfred didn’t panic. Instead he laughed, squinting up at me as his glasses were left askew on the bridge of his nose. His cerulean eyes seemed bluer under the fluorescent lights; it was an indescribable shade.

So was how red my face was.

“Bahahaha! Your face!” Alfred reached out to pinch my cheeks. “It’s so red!”

Silence.

“Oh, go fuck yourself!” I scowled and rigidly crawled off him. I stood up and brushed off the dirt from my pants, attempting to maintain some dignity.

“Aw, Arthur come back!” Alfred protested. He scrambled to his feet. “It was just a joke, I’m sorry! I’m also sorry for messing up your research!”

I looked over my shoulder, lips pursed in a death glare. “Good night, Alfred. I’ll see you tomorrow,” I grudgingly admitted that last part. I could never stay mad at him for too long. The way that his hair stuck up unevenly from the fall almost made me laugh, almost.

“Night!” Alfred giggled. He was shaking his head as if I were the weird one.

Unfortunately, I had a much larger problem in my pants to hide and eventually get rid of.

…

Several hours later…

…

I furiously rubbed at my eyes, hoping to alleviate a late-night grogginess spell. Each day, I had a set number of course readings and work to do. If I didn’t finish what I had set out to accomplish, I wouldn’t be able to sleep. Perhaps, this was my OCD, but I absolutely despised being behind on my work. My anxiety simply wouldn’t be able to handle it.

I was stubborn, but at least this trait didn’t bring me unnecessary stress caused by procrastination. Yes, Francis, I’m talking about you, you overstuffed amphibian.

As of now, the Frenchman had gone to bed early, intending to get some beauty sleep. For once, he wasn’t out partying. Either way, he was a chronic procrastinator. Just watching him do his assignments at the last minute gave me high blood pressure, and I didn’t even like him!

“Come on,” I grumbled to myself, both squinting and widening my eyes. The pages were getting fuzzier and fuzzier.

It didn’t help that my level of focus was next to shit since the incident with Alfred in the library a few hours ago. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, and when I did, I would cringe so hard stars danced before my eyes.

I leaned against the frame of my bed and straightened my posture. I had lost count how many times I’ve cracked my shoulders and spine. It was taking me over three hours just to get through thirty pages of material. Normally, something like this would take me an hour and a half at most.

A voice in my head begged for me to sleep, and my heavy-lidded eyes pleaded for this as well.

I hadn’t realized that my eyes had already closed until a large bang against my windowsill startled me back into focus. Again, with the irony here.

“I’m probably just imagining things,” I muttered. “Come on now, only ten more pages to go. I can do this.”

Not thirty seconds later, my window banged again.

Irritated, I swung my legs over the bed. The cold tiling pressing into the soles of my feet caused me to wince in discomfort. I padded over to the window anyway and narrowed my eyes.

“AH-! FUCK!” I gasped without a shred of elegance. A tall, hulking figure was perched on the tree outside my window. They were on the closet branch, waving at me with a massive hand. Were they going to throw a rock at me this time?

What if it was those delinquents from the bar area? Did they know where I lived now?

Panic crept up my throat. I could hardly breathe, and yet, I was frozen; motionless; terrified of what would happen next. Tears pricked at my eyes, but I willed them back.

“Artie!” The figure bellowed. Their voice was muffled by the glass panelling.

The clouds outside cleared. Under the moonlight, a gleam of spectacles and cerulean eyes reflected back at me.

I grabbed at my chest as if it would somehow stop my heart from beating as fast and unhealthily as it was now.

“Alfred!” I snapped. “What the hell are you doing here?! It’s one in the morning!”

Alfred motioned for me to open the window. “Can’t hear you, dude!” he mouthed, gloved hands cupped around his mouth. There was a devilish smirk on his face that didn’t sit right with me.

Because I was embarrassed, I couldn’t hope to stop myself from being rude. I wasn’t expecting company, not ever, but certainly not at this hour. I was wearing sweats and a hoodie; being presentable was far out of the question.

SLAM!

I opened the window harshly and scowled. “I said, what are you doing here?! It’s one in the morning, you imbecile!”

This was the first time I had seen Alfred outside of the library or cafeteria. I was being bombarded with too many surprises I wasn’t nearly prepared enough to deal with.

Alfred shrunk back. “I…ah…wanted to apologize for earlier. I didn’t mean to scare you off. I only meant to tease ya, and I guess it really backfired, huh?”

I blushed at the reminder. I couldn’t even bring myself to think about what I had done when I had gotten home earlier. Looking myself in the bathroom mirror in shame afterwards was more than enough.

“Apology accepted,” I scoffed. This whole encounter was just too ridiculous for me to process. “I’m sorry too. I get flustered easily. Although, what you’re doing right now isn’t helping. How did you even find out where I live?”

Alfred’s face brightened. “You told me you lived in the Gaul dorm, remember? This window was the only one with the lights on, and since you’re always studying, I figured this would be your room,” he explained. “You’re very predictable, Arthur. It doesn’t take a genius to figure you out.”

“Brilliant,” I remarked sarcastically. “You’re a true detective if I’ve ever seen one.”

“So,” Alfred shifted nervously. “You wanna come out and gaze at the stars with me?”

“Honestly,” I crossed my arms. “You make no bloody sense. First, you come to apologize to me when you could have done that tomorrow, and now you expect me to sit with you on a flimsy tree branch that likely won’t be able to hold up both of our weights?”

“I didn’t want to wait!” Alfred blurted out. “It was really bugging me. You just left so abruptly. I thought I hurt your feelings and then I felt really shitty about it and then I couldn’t sleep, so I came here because residence doesn’t let you in past 11 PM and now you’re being really mean and ah! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Crap! You must think I’m so weird… Also, this branch is a lot sturdier than it looks, man! I mean, it’s holding up my dead ass weight, ain’t it?!”

Silence.

Alfred rubbed at the back of his neck again and bit his lip. He was breathing heavily, too petrified to form a coherent sentence.

I caved almost immediately. Seeing Alfred be sad like this was too painful to watch.

“Fine,” I sighed. “But if I fall, I’m suing you. And are you really that surprised that I’m being mean to you? I thought you were trying to assault me! You nearly gave me a heart attack!”

“Oh god!” Alfred gasped, sheepish. “I didn’t think of that! Not that I think anything through, ahaha!” he laughed nervously. “I just thought it was a nice night to enjoy. You would see this for yourself if you came out here.”

“Well, I can’t do that if you’re not going to help me,” I countered. “Not everyone has the figure of an Olympic athlete like you do. I’m not exactly made for climbing.”

Alfred smirked and crawled closer to the window. He extended a gloved hand, smug in all of his entirety. “My dearest pasty prince, may I escort you onto this branch?” he mused.

“Forget it,” I snarled. “If you’re going to be insufferable, I’ll just go back to doing my work.”

“No! Please!” Alfred whined. “Artie! Come on! It’s so nice out! Take a break for once.”

Silence.

Alfred’s cerulean eyes widened, tearing up for dramatic effect. “Please,” he said, waggling his massive hand at me. His long fingers grabbed at empty air.

Silence.

“Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?”

My eyes twitched. Don’t look. Don’t look.

Damn it, I looked.

“Ple–!”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, fine!” I snapped.

Laughing, Alfred took my hand. With a grunt, he hoisted me up onto the branch. He held my waist with both hands until I settled on the branch, comfortably next to him. There was a decent amount of distance between us. I pretended not to acknowledge the jolts of electricity that shot up my spine every time he touched me.

“See, isn’t it nice out?” Alfred said serenely, pointing up at the near perfect night.

I furrowed my brows. Just twenty minutes ago, it had been pitch-black out and now there wasn’t a single cloud in the sky. The moon shone against us, a bright yellow orb that painted the campus with a dream-like dewy light.

“Yes, actually,” I admitted, glancing at the cluster of stars dotting the night. If you looked even closer, you could just barely make out the murky trails of several nebulas. The campus was in a remote enough location where star-gazing was far easier than it was in urban areas.

“I can’t remember the last time I was able to see full constellations,” I continued. “Actually, I just haven’t bothered to do something as simple as this for a long time now. You’re right, Alfred. It is nice.”

Alfred playfully bumped his shoulder against mine. “Thought so. You’re always so busy that you never look up to enjoy the simple things in life. I’ve yet to see you relax. Being high-strung must be a talent of yours.”

“Haha, very funny,” I yawned.

“Woah,” Alfred exclaimed when I began to sway without realizing. “Just how tired are you exactly?”

“Very,” I murmured. “I’ll be…fine.”

“No, no you’re not. Can I um…” Alfred faltered, craning his neck to look at me. “Can I wrap my arm around you? I just want to make sure you don’t fall!!!”

Turns out I wasn’t the only one blushing profusely.

“W-what?!” I spluttered, only to falter when Alfred shrunk back, embodying a kicked puppy position. “Well, ah, I mean, if you’re comfortable doing it, sure?” I squeaked.

Without another word, Alfred wrapped an arm around my torso in support. He was warm. I could feel the heat emanating from underneath his bomber jacket.

“T-thanks,” I whispered.

“Any time,” Alfred just about squealed, his voice a few octaves higher than normal.

Silence, again.

I willed myself not to breathe too much. Not that I was able to. Alfred was so close. I could smell him: leather, and the gruff scent of polish and hair gel. His arms were strong in their grip. I wanted to lean closer, but knew it wouldn’t be appropriate given our relationship.

Instead, I focused on admiring the night sky. If I met those wondrous cerulean eyes one more time, I didn’t know if I’d be able to handle it. They weren’t mine to look at. For now, I could only cherish them.

“Hey,” Alfred spoke up again. His entire body was tense. If he pointed up his chin any higher, he’d surely break his neck.

“Yes?” I replied, breathless.

“I really am sorry for earlier. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“It’s fine. You just startled me, that’s all.”

Alfred chuckled. “Just like I did now?”

“Yes,” I smiled faintly. “Just like you did now, you stupid yank.”

“Aw come on, that’s not nice,” Alfred chided.

“Oh shut up,” I huffed. “You’ve patronized me enough tonight. Just let me enjoy this moment while it lasts. Soon it’ll be over, and then I’ll be thrust back into the never-ending cycle of lectures, papers, and mid-terms. I need an outlet to vent my frustrations onto; you just so happen to be it.”

“Fair enough,” Alfred snickered. “But, didn’t you say something about having an annoying roommate? Don’t you get to vent your frustrations onto him?”

“Oh, believe me I do,” I said in loathing. “I try to avoid him most of the time, though. Unfortunately, he has a tendency to find me wherever I am. Our meeting spot on the rooftop is the only place I can hide from him.”

“Is he really that bad?” Alfred asked.

“Absolutely intolerable,” I shuddered. “He blasts music all day, drinks wine, and parties just about every other night. Not to mention that he constantly picks at me for, well, everything. My clothes, my diet, my hair…my writing; apparently it’s really depressing and cryptic. He usually shuts up after I tell him his writing sounds like it’s written from the perspective of a sixteen year old drama queen. God, I can’t stand angst. Maybe it’s because my life is already full of it enough as it is.”

Alfred shrugged. “I don’t know, dude. Maybe your roommate is just trying to pull out the best in you. I’ve seen what you bring for lunch. Not that I’m a master chef or anything, but bread and butter isn’t enough to get you through the day. I don’t mind how you dress, and as for your writing? As long as he’s not malicious, it’s okay to accept constructive criticism. I’m sure he cares about you a lot more than you think. He wouldn’t bother if he didn’t.”

“Alfred,” I groaned. “I’m trying to vent. I don’t need a rational explanation and analysis like you’re my frigging therapist. I’m angry, leave me be.”

“I’m just saying,” Alfred protested, albeit weakly. “It won’t do ya any good if you keep pushing away people.”

“You currently have your arm wrapped around me,” I slyly remarked. “I hardly see that as pushing people away.”

“Touche,” Alfred admitted.

“How about you?” I asked, re-directing the conversation. “Surely, you can’t be that great of a roommate if you’re out this late at night. Aren’t they going to be angry when you come back and wake them up?”

Truth is, I had no idea where Alfred lived on campus. We had never even spoken about the subject.

“Nah,” Alfred waved his free hand. “I’m in a single. All I have to worry about is sneaking past my res supervisor. It was pretty easy considering most people are partying in their rooms at this time.”

I nodded my head, stifling my jealousy. What I would have given to have a room to myself. If only I wasn’t dirt poor. No matter, this was what I came here for. I’d get a degree and make myself a solid career.

“Are you always this impulsive?”

“Yes.”

“That was a rhetorical question,” I deadpanned.

“I know, it’s just fun bugging you,” Alfred countered with ease. “I like how your eyebrows furrow together. It’s cute.”

Words cannot how flustered I became after that comment.

Thankfully, a distraction in the form of a very drunk Italian saved me from responding.

“Antonio, you bastard,” Lovino slurred twenty feet below. “Come here, and sweep me off my feet. I c-can’t walk, ahahaha!”

Antonio stumbled forward and giddily wrapped his arms around Lovino. “You’re so cold, mi amor. That coat isn’t warm enough for you. Here, allow me to help.”

I had to look away for the sake of privacy when the two began to make out.

Alfred and I remained quiet until they had finally walked away.

“They’re sure having a good time,” Alfred said shyly, a hesitant smile on his face.

I don’t know what overcame me, but suddenly, a surge of boldness balled up in my chest. Seeing Antonio and Lovino together didn’t just make me jealous. I was motivated to test things out with Alfred, however small the chances they were.

If not, I was perfectly fine with being friends with him.

Still, there was a small sliver of hope. Alfred was bi. He had his arm wrapped around me. Everything was set into place, and appeared like they were in my favour. Maybe it was the sleep deprivation talking, but I didn’t care.

I leaned closer into Alfred, humming pleasantly. Alfred stiffened, but didn’t pull away.

Perhaps it was the sereneness of the moment, or that I was enjoying myself, but I desperately longed for more intimacy. It’s been too long since I’d experienced it. After years of keeping to myself, Alfred was the first person whom I had ever kept for more than just a couple weeks at a time.

I wanted him. More than that, I trusted him.

Surprisingly, it wasn’t me who made the next move.

Alfred brushed his right hand over my left. “You’re not wearing any gloves,” he murmured. “They…they must be cold, right?”

“Mhhhm, yeah, very cold,” I said, impatiently.

I curled my fingers so that my knuckles brushed into his palm. “Tell me something, Alfred. Are you comfortable?”

“Y-yeah why do you ask?”

I flipped our hands so that I was holding onto his. “How about now?”

“Yeah…very comfortable,” Alfred flushed. “I’m never shy with you, Arthur. You k-know that.”

I leaned closer, pressing my face a nose’s distance away from his. “How about now?” I blinked.

“I would be more comfortable if you kissed me,” Alfred said, bravely meeting my eyes.

“Took you long enough, lad,” I grinned. “I knew you were clever.”

I wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed my lips against his. I moaned lowly when his tongue poked at my bottom lip. I opened in compliance, letting our tongues slip together in slow, experimental movements.

“Mmmph,” Alfred sighed, and closed his eyes. Large, steady hands raked through my hair while my own placed themselves against his rock-hard chest.

I couldn’t believe it. I was kissing Alfred Jones… and he was kissing me back no less, with just as much want and need as my own.

Our kisses became rougher, teeth clacking against each other; messily, hungrily.

I gasped when Alfred squeezed my hips, moving so that his back was placed against the trunk of the tree. Sometime in between our sloppy brushing, I had crawled over to straddle him.

“Easy,” I growled. “You’re going to leave bruises.”

“I’m sorry,” Alfred breathed into my neck, feathering the sensitive skin with delicate kisses. “I’ve just wanted to do this for so long now. You’re beautiful, Arthur. I can’t help it.”

I nearly sobbed right then and there, but instead focused on drinking up the pleasure of the moment. For once, I was being called beautiful. I wasn’t just thinking that of another person.

I needed a moment to breathe, to take in what had just happened. I resorted to pressing my forehead against Alfred’s, inhaling deeply.

Alfred grinned and rubbed his nose against mine. “You haven’t said anything. I’m worried.”

“That’s because I don’t know what to say,” I replied, sliding to rest my head against his collarbone. I was too shy to make eye contact. “Here I’ve had a crush on you all this time, and it turns out that you feel the same way. I’ve never had something work out for me so perfectly like this. Forgive me for being stunned by it.”

Alfred tucked his chin over my head, one arm rubbing my back in comforting circles. “Yup…” he trailed off, voice cracking. “That’s me for you: I think I’m being straight forward, but I only end up confusing people. I’ll probably never stop being impulsive.”

“Don’t!” I smirked.

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t stop being impulsive. It’s the part of you that I like most. How you get antsy at every off-hand remark. Or how easy it is to make you happy. You’re precious, Alfred. I wouldn’t ever want you to change that about yourself.”

“You don’t know me, I mean, all of me,” Alfred murmured into my hair. “I suck sometimes by being awkward and getting mad easily, you just haven’t seen it yet. I say things that I don’t mean. I…I… shouldn’t have done this. It’s a wonder why you want to be friends with me. I…always fuck things up…”

I pulled away from Alfred, alarm setting in. “No.”

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me, I said no. Don’t you dare give up now. Alfred, I’m in no rush to take things farther. I’ll be patient if I have to, because hell if we both know that I’m far from perfect myself. Still, you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me. I couldn’t bear it if you left, not after all that we’ve shared together. I would be happy only being friends with you. Please, just don’t leave.”

Alfred’s arm tightened around me. “Okay,” he took a jagged breath. “Someone’s got to protect you, right? I won’t leave you, Artie. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me too. You make everything bad happening around me feel like it’s nothing. I just want to see you smile; to hold you close; to make sure you…take care of yourself.”

“I do take care of myself,” I hiccupped into his chest.

“No, you don’t. Come, I’m putting you to bed and then I’m going straight home. What kind of lunatic does homework this late anyway?”

“A nerd,” I dryly replied, trying not to look too disappointed as I pulled away from him.

“I must be in love with a lunatic nerd then,” Alfred smiled, shyly with a bigger one just begging to be released. He still looked so uncertain. I didn’t want him to feel this way, so I resorted to being sarcastic in the hopes of teasing him out of his shell.

“And I must be in love with a grammarless yank.”

“Selective grammarless yank,” Alfred corrected.

“Yes, yes, whatever. Now are you going to help me into my room or not?”

“Oops, yeah, sorry.”

After much protest, and awkward fumbling movements, Alfred helped me into my room. He also forced me to put my books away. I offered no protest. He had an insufferable habit of making it impossible to say no to him.

Once the lights were shut and I was tucked underneath the covers in an angry, curled position, Alfred smiled and sat next to me on the side.

“What?!” I snapped. “I did what you said, didn’t I?”

“Nothing,” Alfred whispered. “You just look really cute again, grumpy too.”

“If you’re trying to flatter or court me, it’s not working,” I scoffed, turning my back on him.

Alfred placed a hand on my waist. Even though there was a good amount of fabric between us, it still burned pleasantly. “Don’t be like that,” he tutted. “Artie, look at me.”

Reluctantly, I flopped onto my other side. My glare was still in place, but my hot cheeks took away from the act. “What?” I spat.

Alfred bent over to kiss my forehead. “Good night. I should really get going, though. I’ll see you tomorrow, all right?”

When he got up to leave, through the window as we had already agreed that Francis seeing him would cause way too much trouble and questions, I panicked. “Wait!” I hissed.

Alfred turned around, gaping. “Huh?”

I bit my lip. “Can you…stay?”

“Only until I fall asleep!” I added when I noticed the hesitant expression on his face.

The mattress shifted with another weight again. Things didn’t seem real. I was just so happy. “Okay, that I can do.”

“Good,” I said stiffly, and left it at that.

“Geez, Artie. Aren’t you just full of surprises?” Alfred laughed lightly. “I thought you didn’t need anyone else in your life?”

“Shut up. People change. It’s called character development.”

“Right, right. I’ll just let my handsome prescence lure you to sleep.”

He hadn’t just been teased out of his shell. He was lounging on top of it now.

“You’re lucky I’m exhausted,” I warned. “Otherwise – yawn – you would be expecting a good slap to the face for being so cheeky.”

“Literally.”

“Could you stop being such a smartass?” I snarled.

Alfred reached over to sweep a few strands of hair out of my eyes. “That I can’t do,” he said in a smug tone.

I rolled my eyes, too tired to argue. “Good night, Alfred. I hope you trip and fall on your way out.”

“You don’t actually mean that. Stop being so mean.”

“You’re right, I don’t. But it was still fun to say.”

“Shhh,” Alfred smoothed the back of my head. “You can argue with me all day tomorrow. But, you won’t be able to if you don’t get a good night’s rest.”

“Very true, love.”

“I just said shhh. You’re so stubborn, geez. I’m going to be here all night if you don’t stop.”

Precisely.

I hmphed but didn’t say anything more. Last night was the best sleep I’ve had in years. Why? Because someone other than Alistair genuinely liked me for me. I didn’t doze off with pervasive guilt, self-loathing or general anxiousness.

I was finally at peace.

…

The following morning, I staggered into the kitchen. I had woken up far later than usual, Alfred of course having already left some time last night.

I had a shift in an hour, so I would be able to see Alfred then. Honestly, I’d never understand why he was so adamant on being old-fashioned in everything he did. To not have a cellphone in this day and age was almost unheard of.

Francis was sitting at the small table we had set up, his laptop open with the latest news and a mug of coffee in his hands. He was already dressed and primed to perfection, whereas my hair was sticking up in every possible direction

I pretended to ignore Francis, refusing to let him sour my good mood. Hell, if he wasn’t there to stare at me, I probably would have allowed myself a small smile.

Someone liked me.

And I liked them back.

I still couldn’t get over it.

I drew the last straw when Francis tsked at me for my choice in breakfast: oatmeal and a slice of toast.

“What?!” I snapped. I was standing up, eating my toast over the sink. AS if I was going to sit down with him and engage in a civil conversation. Not when he was looking at me so critically.

Francis took a slow sip of his coffee, eyebrows raised. When he finished, he set down his mug in a dramatic, languid motion.

“You’ve been out communicating with spirits again, haven’t you?” he accused. “Arthur, it’s dangerous to do it alone, especially late at night. I would have come if they were bothering you that badly.”

“I did no such thing,” I said, and bit into my toast with a loud crunch.

Francis’s eyebrows raised even higher.

“I swear to God, I didn’t!” I snarled. “Stop looking at me like that. Even if I did, which I didn’t, I’ve already told you that if I need your help, I’ll ask!”

“Oui, whatever, keep lying to yourself. See if I care,” Francis sighed. He stood up from his seat and exited the kitchen.

“And what’s that supposed to mean?!”

Francis looked over his shoulder, sapphire eyes rolling. “I don’t know, ask yourself. You’re the one being suspicious.”

I turned away from Francis, furious.

My curiosity peaked when I realized that he had left his laptop open. Carefully, I leaned over the device.

In the search bar, he had typed in “How to get rid of nosy roommates.”

With a splutter, I blinked harshly when the webcam opened to snap a photo of me with a bright flash.

Francis poked his head into the kitchen, an obnoxious lilting smirk on his face. “What did I say: suspicious. Now I have my proof. The Arthur I know would never care about what I search, let alone think. You’re unusually happy, and it’s beginning to freak me out.”

So much for my good mood.

To be continued…

#hetalia #aph #aph England #aph America #USUK #aph France #spamano #fanfiction #ellaawkward #mun would like to see more reviews #she's curious about your thoughts and predictions

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ib-suffering · 5 years ago

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Update #3

Sooo this is a continuation of my other two updates that I posted recently. If you haven't read those and are interested in reading my thoughts on my exams, the results, and the advice I may have on any of the courses I took; they're not too far down on my blog, so they shouldn't be too hard to find (and I'm not just saying this bc I couldn't get the urls to hyperlink them on mobile 😅). But I did promise that I would finish my updates with information on my first year of college and what I've been up to recently.

Alrighty, so I spent my first year of college at Boise State University (I'll probably shorten it to BSU for most of this post).

For those of you who have never heard of Boise State, let me give you the highlights. Smack dab in the middle of downtown Boise, Idaho lies Idaho's top research institution. Which is promotional talk for: "We're a college football giant that also happens to have some sciences and liberal arts." BSU is obsessed with their football team, the players admired like celebrities, and game days turning most of the small city into a ghost town, the exception being the the small campus. That being said, BSU is very much a party school, even though it is technically a dry campus (a mistake, if you ask me, given the thousands of dollars they could make serving alcohol at games, but I digress). Boise itself is a beautiful city, and the convenience of campus being downtown and the beautiful weather from April-October makes it a treat to live in. Campus is beautiful, being right on the Boise River (which became a place I frequented when I needed a minute to myself). And Idaho itself is a beautiful state, though most of it is empty hills/farm land. This was a hard transition for me. Though my family is from Iowa (a state very similar to Idaho in many respects), I have spent most of my life in Vegas, a city that has been dubbed "the city that never sleeps" for a reason. Boise is much quieter. Most places close around 8, the rest at 10. And for someone who would take a break from homework to go grab a drink from the convenience store at 1 am, this was a shock for me. And I was very much still in that 11pm to 3 am grind from high school. Aside from that, I had mostly great professors. I am a bio major. And am planning on adding on anthropology as a second major. I bonded fast with my bio professors. I was very friendly with my comm prof, my profs, and my anthro profs. I had an on-going friendly hockey rivalry with one of my bio profs and the student teacher for my anthro class (Go Knights Go!). One of my anthro profs even offered me the opportunity to work further with him on a project I had for his classes. He was impressed with my work and I adored him as a teacher and was excited to work one-on-one with him, especially since he has a reputation for being a harsh grader. If I could impress someone like that, then I was excited to do so over and over again.

So here's the tough part to admit. I'm not at BSU right now. I'm in Vegas (which, for those that do not know, is home for me). And not in school. And know that this is difficult for me. I went from the constant grind of the IB program to sitting at home trying to get my life together. And it's been hard to accept this. Especially, especially because of the amazing opportunity I was offered. I was so proud to have been offered this as a freshman. But, I know that I have made the right choice. And my professor was very understanding, for which I am grateful, and I hope you will be too. And more than anything, I want you to take something from this story that I am about to tell. I know this has been a long post so far, and if you're still here, thank you. But stay buckled, because we're at the beginning of a saga. There will be some highs and some lows, a lot of drama with some comedic relief, and a story of friendship, how it may bitterly end or triumph over all other things. Enjoy.

Allow me to introduce you to our cast (Names will be shortened to a letter or two to keep things relatively anonymous. Shit does go down and there will be secret sharing in the hope that I can give valid advice in its wake):

L- a roommate of mine

M- another roommate

A- another roommate

C- yet another roommate, but she joins the cast a bit later

J- a great friend, met at BSU but he also happens to be from Vegas

R- an unlikely friend

T- M's friend

AG- a small group of army guys that join in later

K-potential love-interest

And I think that'll do. Now, onto the story!

I lived in a suite-style dorm. Four of us lived there, each of with individual rooms. The basic layout was two bedrooms and a bathroom on each side of the dorm with a living room, laundry unit, and kitchen in the middle. M and I shared one side while A and L shared the other. All of us were relatively shy and were placed together randomly as we hadn't used the roommate-selection app the school used. But we didn't have much issue at the beginning. I first bonded with A, introducing her to another friend early on. M and I bonded quickly as well seeing as we shared our own hall. L is fairly shy, so it took awhile longer, but it turned out that her and I just naturally click and still have a fantastic friendship to this day (Read: the same cannot be said for others in this story). L, M, and I easily worked around each other, with each other. A spent most time in her room or at work, but things still seemed pleasant with her. However, she didn't seem like she wanted to hang out with us whenever we did things as a group, so we stopped knocking on her door to ask.

Over the next many weeks, things grew more tense. It was gradual, so none of us were fully aware at the time, but looking back, it was obvious. M invited me to go with her to T's apartment one night. Her and I were interested in drinking (side note: it's up to you imo if you wish to drink in college, but I will insist: always have someone sober around. They will make sure you are safe the the location you are at, get home safe, and will be there for you to help you through your lowest moments and to recount them with you in the morning). T had alcohol. We partaked a little, and I got to get to know T and his roommate, K. It was a good night.

The next night, however, was the breaking point. M and I went over to T and K's again, but this time they took us to a party a floor below their's. We definitely had more to drink that night. I discovered my bartending skills that night, M found her limit and blacked out, and K and I got to hang out a bit more. K had a sober friend that drove us back to the dorm that night. They also helped us upstairs (remember, sober friend). M and I were definitely loud and giggling, and A came out her room to yell at us about not being able to sleep because of our behavior and our upstairs neighbors partying (a nightly occurrence). She went back to her room, slamming the door behind her. L also came out of her room, but instead of yelling at us, she help us through the drunkenness and eventual vomiting, staying up the whole night to do so.

The favour was repaid when M and I picked her up from her first party and walked her home. We stayed by the bathroom all night to make sure she was okay. And it was good to be able to repay the favour.

A felt alienated. And as I said before, that night was the breaking point. The next day, M, L, and I woke up to a letter on our kitchen table outlining her grievances. She didn't feel like our friend. We didn't invite her out anymore, we weren't there for her when she needed us, and she felt like it had to do with our drinking and her not wanting to.

The three of us sat on my side of the dorm, with the hall door closed. And we read the letter and talked it through. We felt bad that she felt that way, but we knew that we never intended that. And that we couldn't be blamed for it all. And that a letter shouldn't have been left for us. That if we were going to resolve this, we would do it in person. This is lesson number two. Resolve things face to face. Children fight through notes/texts/letters. As adults, we knew that we had to sit down together and talk it through. It's hard. You will be nervous. But it made that conversation better. We invited her out and it was awkward. But we went down the list. We made compromises, we learned more about each other. And though things were still tense afterwards, no one felt uncomfortable in their own home. And that's what mattered.

Fast forward to the end of the semester. A moved out. It wasn't because of us, she also had family problems and she wanted to move in with her boyfriend in Texas. We understood and left things on amicable terms. They're engaged now. I'm happy for them.

January. New semester. M, L, and I are living well. T comes over occasionally. K does too, he's also our alc plug. Him and I are still talking, but not much is happening there. I haven't mentioned C yet, but we met her the previous semester, but start hanging out more this semester. She knows that A moved out and is interested in moving in with us. We originally agreed, but after talking about it amongst the three of us, we weren't sure about it. Nevertheless, she moves in.

And it seems to be going well, and we made friends with J through a friend of her's. We host people often, and I play bartender. One of these nights, we run into K and invite him and a neighbor over to play cards. K and I flirt a little, but I was also busy hosting. C and K meet for the first time here.

They start hanging out a bit, and I don't think much of it. Then, she starts gushing over him, talking about his eyes and what their kids would look like. It felt obvious that she was far more into him than I was. So I was nice about it, and let it be.

She ended up just sleeping with him and dropping him only to trash talk him to M, L, and I. This is not the only time she had done this to the guys we had met and become friends with, including T and J, who we met through a guy she did this to. T and J were pretty much her only fails. I bring this up because it had an affect on the rest of us. I'm all for doing whatever you want as long as everyone consents, but this was not just affecting her and it was toxic.

It was difficult to make friends. It stirred up drama. And it lead to the next breaking point. In February, (for context, this is just a few weeks after she moved in), the AG drove out to stay with us for a weekend. C was interested in one of them. So was M. He was interested in M. C is getting upset over this, and decides to demand that M leave for the rest of the weekend. I didn't want her to, but C was already talking shit about me to other people and I didn't want to stir up more drama. Neither did L. I guess we hadn't learned our lesson.

M moved out. And this time it was completely our fault. And I felt awful. I tried to apologize. L did too. But the damage was done. And the bond that I had formed with M was instantaneously gone. I understood it was for the better and M left us with one request: do something about C.

L and I left that night. She wanted to go home for the night, feeling sick about the whole thing. I asked to go along. I didn't have classes the next day. We spent almost the whole night driving around talking it through. M was right, but we didn't know where to start with C. So we sat there, exploring the city, sober as could be (literally and metaphorically), and made a pact that we wouldn't let the same happen to either one of us.

We couldn't be direct about it. A talk wouldn't help. Actions speak louder than words. Because not only were L and I more strict. Not allowing ourselves give in to her whims, but we also had J. He especially didn't given in. And that frustrated her. L spent more time on her own, talking to me when she could. That frustrated her. I spent more time on my own, getting more work done. Shutting myself into my hall and letting the guilt sink in. I even invited over M and T to chat and collect her forgotten things while she was away. I wasn't going to be there to allow her to use us for her habits. And that frustrated her. She wanted the attention and she got none. And lo-and-behold, she started shit talking me again. To L. And everyone she met. It did nothing.

Here comes in R. He was the next one in a string of guys that she was using and cheating on. We didn't expect for him to be around long. None of them were, but C headed home for a weekend and suggested we invite him to hang out. Okay. I did. And both times he came over were great, he easily slipped into a friendship with L, J, and I.

He asked L and I to be honest with him. He felt insecure about the relationship he had with C. Though we were hesitant to say anything, he insisted that he would rather have the truth.

Okay. Have it.

And we knew he'd be better for it. And he was. And so was our friendship. And C was pissed. But she didn't know it was us who said anything. But she decided that he left her for L. And accused her of it.

Nope. He just needed us to be good friends. And he stuck around. And that infuriated her. And we found it easier to stand up against her fits because of it. Don't want him around? Sorry, he's our friend. And maybe you think we're horrible people for that, but we had put up with enough. And it was about time we fulfilled our promise to M.

And soon enough, C moved out. Not because of us, but other reasons. And R kinda moved in (not that our RA knew). R, J, L, and I were happy amongst ourselves for what was the last month of the school year.

Now, that was a lot. I know, I'm sorry. But I hope it was at least an interesting read. It wasn't everything that happened. And I purposely left some stuff out. Though I made an effort to keep things anon, some secrets are not mine to tell. Even if you'll never know these individuals, but especially because you don't know them.

While all of this was happening, I made poor decisions otherwise in regards to drinking. My friends back home were worried. My mental health was going down fast. Previously discussed events may have contributed, but I did push aside self-care in high school in favour of doing school work. And with a less-occupied mind in college, the symptoms only grew worse and perhaps that lead to more drinking. I'm not sure, but I do know that I wasn't doing well at all by the time spring break rolled around. And I worried those closest to me. And they made that clear this summer.

On top of that, BSU is out-of-state for me. And those problems from home didn't go away. And my experience was made worse by that, the events described here and many more, and my financials. I know most in America struggle to pay for school, but it was such a burden on me. It made it difficult to sleep at night, the focus on work, and loomed over every experience I had.

So, the lesson to be learned here is this: take care of yourself. Know your limits. I know it's easier said than done, but it's the only thing that will get you through college. I needed out of an environment that was causing me grief and guilt. I needed to address the problems I had been putting off. And I needed to be realistic about the types of stress I can handle. School, though stressful at times, is an easier stress to handle because the solution is relatively easy to achieve. Financial stressors are difficult to handle because they're long term and can affect how I live the rest of my life (not to say school doesn't, but you can go back to school at 40 but most of us will still be paying for the schooling we got at 18 when we're 40). I still owe BSU money, but not much. And I'm working on paying it off. And then I want to transfer in-state. Get the cheap tuition. My scholarship. And more stability.

BSU wasn't all bad, but it wasn't good for me either. And there's no shame in taking a break and transferring elsewhere. And I had to convince myself of that. And it's still hard to cope with the idea some days. But I'm happier overall. And I've maintained my friendships with L, R, and J. And they all understand.

Again, I'm sorry this was such a long read. But I hope you've gained something from this. If anybody actually read this far... In fact, if you had, could you do me a solid and leave a reply or drop something in my inbox? It'll be nice to know if someone actually read all of this. And thank you so much if you had. I really appreciate it.

#ib suffering #ib #ib problems #international baccalaureate #college #sorry this is long #i think i lied about the comedy #oops #sorry #usually my sadness is disguised by jokes #but this was long enough ig

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nellathoughts1 · 7 years ago

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The story of a cosmetic surgeon that found his way back to God

I have re-read this a few times and each time, there is something different I have learned. Spend the next 15 mins of your time to read it. It may be one of best thing you have read about concerning your life journey.

Below is the transcript of the talk of Dr. Richard Teo, who was a 40-year-old millionaire and cosmetic surgeon with a stage-4 lung cancer but selflessly shared with the D1 class his life experience on 19-Jan-2012. He passed away few days later on 18 October 2012.

Hi good morning to all of you. My voice is a bit hoarse, so please bear with me. I thought I'll just introduce myself. My name is Richard, I'm a medical doctor. And I thought I'll just share some thoughts of my life. It's my pleasure to be invited by prof. Hopefully, it can get you thinking about how... as you pursue this.. embarking on your training to become dental surgeons, to think about other things as well.

Since young, I am a typical product of today's society. Relatively successful product that society requires.. From young, I came from a below average family. I was told by the media... and people around me that happiness is about success. And that success is about being wealthy. With this mind-set, I've always be extremely competitive, since I was young.

Not only do I need to go to the top school, I need to have success in all fields. Uniform groups, track, everything. I needed to get trophies, needed to be successful, I needed to have colours award, national colours award, everything. So I was highly competitive since young. I went on to medical school, graduated as a doctor. Some of you may know that within the medical faculty, ophthalmology is one of the most highly sought after specialities. So I went after that as well. I was given a traineeship in ophthalmology, I was also given a research scholarship by NUS to develop lasers to treat the eye.

So in the process, I was given 2 patents, one for the medical devices, and another for the lasers. And you know what, all this academic achievements did not bring me any wealth. So once I completed my bond with MOH, I decided that this is taking too long, the training in eye surgery is just taking too long. And there's lots of money to be made in the private sector. If you're aware, in the last few years, there is this rise in aesthetic medicine. Tons of money to be made there. So I decided, well, enough of staying in institution, it's time to leave. So I quit my training halfway and I went on to set up my aesthetic clinic... in town, together with a day surgery centre.

You know the irony is that people do not make heroes out average GP (general practitioner), family physicians. They don't. They make heroes out of people who are rich and famous. People who are not happy to pay $20 to see a GP, the same person have no qualms paying ten thousand dollars for a liposuction, 15 thousand dollars for a breast augmentation, and so on and so forth. So it's a no brainer isn't? Why do you want to be a gp? Become an aesthetic physician. So instead of healing the sick and ill, I decided that I'll become a glorified beautician. So, business was good, very good. It started off with waiting of one week, then became 3weeks, then one month, then 2 months, then 3 months. I was overwhelmed; there were just too many patients. Vanities are fantastic business. I employed one doctor, the second doctor, the 3rd doctor, the 4th doctor. And within the 1st year, we're already raking in millions. Just the 1st year. But never is enough because I was so obsessed with it. I started to expand into Indonesia to get all the rich Indonesian tai-tais who wouldn't blink an eye to have a procedure done. So life was really good.

So what do I do with the spare cash. How do I spend my weekends? Typically, I'll have car club gatherings. I take out my track car, with spare cash I got myself a track car. We have car club gatherings. We'll go up to Sepang in Malaysia. We'll go for car racing. And it was my life. With other spare cash, what do i do? I get myself a Ferrari. At that time, the 458 wasn't out, it's just a spider convertible, 430. This is a friend of mine, a schoolmate who is a forex trader, a banker. So he got a red one, he was wanting all along a red one, I was getting the silver one.

So what do I do after getting a car? It's time to buy a house, to build our own bungalows. So we go around looking for a land to build our own bungalows, we went around hunting. So how do i live my life? Well, we all think we have to mix around with the rich and famous. This is one of the Miss Universe. So we hang around with the beautiful, rich and famous. This by the way is an internet founder. So this is how we spend our lives, with dining and all the restaurants and Michelin Chefs you know.

So I reach a point in life that I got everything for my life. I was at the pinnacle of my career and all. That's me one year ago in the gym and I thought I was like, having everything under control and reaching the pinnacle.

Well, I was wrong. I didn't have everything under control. About last year March, I started to develop backache in the middle of nowhere. I thought maybe it was all the heavy squats I was doing. So I went to SGH, saw my classmate to do an MRI, to make sure it's not a slipped disc or anything. And that evening, he called me up and said that we found bone marrow replacement in your spine. I said, sorry what does that mean? I mean I know what it means, but I couldn't accept that. I was like “Are you serious?” I was still running around going to the gym you know. But we had more scans the next day, PET scans - positrons emission scans, they found that actually I have stage 4 terminal lung cancer. I was like "Whoa where did that come from?” It has already spread to the brain, the spine, the liver and the adrenals. And you know one moment I was there, totally thinking that I have everything under control, thinking that I've reached the pinnacle of my life. But the next moment, I have just lost it.

This is a CT scan of the lungs itself. If you look at it, every single dot there is a tumour. We call this miliaries tumour. And in fact, I have tens of thousands of them in the lungs. So, I was told that even with chemotherapy, that I'll have about 3-4months at most. Did my life come crushing on, of course it did, who wouldn't? I went into depression, of course, severe depression and I thought I had everything.

See the irony is that all these things that I have, the success, the trophies, my cars, my house and all. I thought that brought me happiness. But i was feeling really down, having severe depression. Having all these thoughts of my possessions, they brought me no joy. The thought of... You know, I can hug my Ferrari to sleep, no... No, it is not going to happen. It brought not a single comfort during my last ten months. And I thought they were, but they were not true happiness. But it wasn't. What really brought me joy in the last ten months was interaction with people, my loved ones, friends, people who genuinely care about me, they laugh and cry with me, and they are able to identify the pain and suffering I was going through. That brought joy to me, happiness. None of the things I have, all the possessions, and I thought those were supposed to bring me happiness. But it didn't, because if it did, I would have felt happy think about it, when I was feeling most down..

You know the classical Chinese New Year that is coming up. In the past, what do I do? Well, I will usually drive my flashy car to do my rounds, visit my relatives, to show it off to my friends. And I thought that was joy, you know. I thought that was really joy. But do you really think that my relatives and friends, whom some of them have difficulty trying to make ends meet, that will truly share the joy with me? Seeing me driving my flashy car and showing off to them? No, no way. They won’t be sharing joy with me. They were having problems trying to make ends meet, taking public transport. In fact i think, what I have done is more like you know, making them envious, jealous of all I have. In fact, sometimes even hatred.

Those are what we call objects of envy. I have them, I show them off to them and I feel it can fill my own pride and ego. That didn't bring any joy to these people, to my friends and relatives, and I thought they were real joy.

Well, let me just share another story with you. You know when I was about your age, I stayed in king Edward VII hall. I had this friend whom I thought was strange. Her name is Jennifer, we're still good friends. And as I walk along the path, she would, if she sees a snail, she would actually pick up the snail and put it along the grass patch. I was like why do you need to do that? Why dirty your hands? It’s just a snail. The truth is she could feel for the snail. The thought of being crushed to death is real to her, but to me it's just a snail. If you can't get out of the pathway of humans then you deserve to be crushed, it’s part of evolution isn't it? What an irony isn't it?

There I was being trained as a doctor, to be compassionate, to be able to empathise; but I couldn't. As a house officer, I graduated from medical school, posted to the oncology department at NUH. And, every day, every other day I witness death in the cancer department. When I see how they suffered, I see all the pain they went through. I see all the morphine they have to press every few minutes just to relieve their pain. I see them struggling with their oxygen breathing their last breath and all. But it was just a job. When I went to clinic every day, to the wards every day, take blood, give the medication but was the patient real to me? They weren't real to me. It was just a job, I do it, I get out of the ward, I can't wait to get home, I do my own stuff.

Was the pain, was the suffering the patients went through real? No. Of course I know all the medical terms to describe how they feel, all the suffering they went through. But in truth, I did not know how they feel, not until I became a patient. It is until now; I truly understand how they feel. And, if you ask me, would I have been a very different doctor if I were to re-live my life now, I can tell you yes I will. Because I truly understand how the patients feel now. And sometimes, you have to learn it the hard way.

Even as you start just your first year, and you embark this journey to become dental surgeons, let me just challenge you on two fronts.

Inevitably, all of you here will start to go into private practice. You will start to accumulate wealth. I can guarantee you. Just doing an implant can bring you thousands of dollars, it's fantastic money. And actually there is nothing wrong with being successful, with being rich or wealthy, absolutely nothing wrong. The only trouble is that a lot of us like myself couldn't handle it.

Why do I say that? Because when I start to accumulate, the more I have, the more I want. The more I wanted, the more obsessed I became. Like what I showed you earlier on, all I can was basically to get more possessions, to reach the pinnacle of what society did to us, of what society wants us to be. I became so obsessed that nothing else really mattered to me. Patients were just a source of income, and I tried to squeeze every single cent out of these patients.

A lot of times we forget, whom we are supposed to be serving. We become so lost that we serve nobody else but just ourselves. That was what happened to me. Whether it is in the medical, the dental fraternity, I can tell you, right now in the private practice, sometimes we just advise patients on treatment that is not indicated. Grey areas. And even though it is not necessary, we kind of advocate it. Even at this point, I know who are my friends and who genuinely cared for me and who are the ones who try to make money out of me by selling me "hope". We kind of lose our moral compass along the way. Because we just want to make money.

Worse, I can tell you, over the last few years, we bad mouth our fellow colleagues, our fellow competitors in the industry. We have no qualms about it. So if we can put them down to give ourselves an advantage, we do it. And that's what happening right now, medical, dental everywhere. My challenge to you is not to lose that moral compass. I learnt it the hard way, I hope you don't ever have to do it.

Secondly, a lot of us will start to get numb to our patients as we start to practise. Whether is it government hospitals, private practice, I can tell you when I was in the hospital, with stacks of patient folders, I can't wait to get rid of those folders as soon as possible; I can't wait to get patients out of my consultation room as soon as possible because there is just so many, and that's a reality. Because it becomes a job, a very routine job. And this is just part of it. Do I truly know how the patient feels back then? No, I don't. The fears and anxiety and all, do I truly understand what they are going through? I don't, not until when this happens to me and I think that is one of the biggest flaws in our system.

We’re being trained to be healthcare providers, professional, and all and yet we don't know how exactly they feel. I'm not asking you to get involved emotionally, I don't think that is professional but do we actually make a real effort to understand their pain and all? Most of us won’t, alright, I can assure you. So don't lose it, my challenge to you is to always be able to put yourself in your patient's shoes.

Because the pain, the anxiety, the fear are very real even though it's not real to you, it's real to them. So don't lose it and you know, right now I'm in the midst of my 5th cycle of my chemotherapy. I can tell you it’s a terrible feeling. Chemotherapy is one of those things that you don't wish even your enemies to go through because it's just suffering, lousy feeling, throwing out, you don't even know if you can retain your meals or not. Terrible feeling! And even with whatever little energy now I have, I try to reach out to other cancer patients because I truly understand what pain and suffering is like. But it's kind of little too late and too little.

You guys have a bright future ahead of you with all the resource and energy, so I’m going to challenge you to go beyond your immediate patients. To understand that there are people out there who are truly in pain, truly in hardship. Don’t get the idea that only poor people suffer. It is not true. A lot of these poor people do not have much in the first place, they are easily contented. for all you know they are happier than you and me but there are out there, people who are suffering mentally, physically, hardship, emotionally, financially and so on and so forth, and they are real. We choose to ignore them or we just don't want to know that they exist.

So do think about it alright, even as you go on to become professionals and dental surgeons and all. That you can reach out to these people who are in need. Whatever you do can make a large difference to them. I'm now at the receiving end so I know how it feels, someone who genuinely care for you, encourage and all. It makes a lot of difference to me. That’s what happens after treatment. I had a treatment recently, but I’ll leave this for another day. A lot of things happened along the way, that's why I am still able to talk to you today.

I'll just end of with this quote here, it's from this book called Tuesdays with Morris, and some of you may have read it. Everyone knows that they are going to die; every one of us knows that. The truth is, none of us believe it because if we did, we will do things differently. When I faced death, when I had to, I stripped myself off all stuff totally and I focused only on what is essential. The irony is that a lot of times, only when we learn how to die then we learn how to live. I know it sounds very morbid for this morning but it's the truth, this is what I’m going through.

Don’t let society tell you how to live. Don’t let the media tell you what you're supposed to do. Those things happened to me. And I led this life thinking that these are going to bring me happiness. I hope that you will think about it and decide for yourself how you want to live your own life. Not according to what other people tell you to do, and you have to decide whether you want to serve yourself, whether you are going to make a difference in somebody else's life. Because true happiness doesn't come from serving yourself. I thought it was but it didn't turn out that way.

Also most importantly, I think true joy comes from knowing God. Not knowing about God – I mean, you can read the bible and know about God – but knowing God personally; getting a relationship with God. I think that’s the most important. That’s what I’ve learnt.

So if I were to sum it up, I’d say that the earlier we sort out the priorities in our lives, the better it is. Don’t be like me – I had no other way. I had to learn it through the hard way. I had to come back to God to thank Him for this opportunity because I’ve had 3 major accidents in my past – car accidents. You know, these sports car accidents – I was always speeding , but somehow I always came out alive, even with the car almost being overturned. And I wouldn’t have had a chance. Who knows, I don’t know where else I’d be going to! Even though I was baptised it was just a show, but the fact that this has happened, it gave me a chance to come back to God.

Few things I’d learnt though:

1. Trust in the Lord your God with all your heart – this is so important.

2. Is to love and serve others, not just ourselves.

There is nothing wrong with being rich or wealthy. I think it’s absolutely alright, cos God has blessed. So many people are blessed with good wealth, but the trouble is I think a lot of us can’t handle it. The more we have, the more we want. I’ve gone through it, the deeper the hole we dig, the more we get sucked into it, so much so that we worship wealth and lose focus. Instead of worshipping God, we worship wealth. It’s just a human instinct. It’s just so difficult to get out of it.

We are all professionals, and when we go into private practise, we start to build up our wealth – inevitably. So my thought are, when you start to build up wealth and when the opportunity comes, do remember that all these things don’t belong to us. We don’t really own it nor have rights to this wealth. It’s actually God’s gift to us. Remember that it’s more important to further His Kingdom rather than to further ourselves.

Anyway I think that I’ve gone through it, and I know that wealth without God is empty. It is more important that you fill up the wealth, as you build it up subsequently, as professionals and all, you need to fill it up with the wealth of God.

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