#second fuckin disgusting that’s how u talk about girls when u think it’s just cis guys around

[ghostickle]

I knew all the side effects of T I’d been watching videos or reading about the lesser known side effects since I was like 12 the thing I wasn’t prepared for however is the almost. Culture shock. Of just How differently the general public treats u when viewed as a girl vs as a guy

[dumplingequivalent]

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Having a hard time tonight. Been having rough thoughts for a while now tbh.

Body image stuff, trans stuff, sexual stuff....

Just. Wanna get some of it out.

Nsfw. Don't read if body negativity, talk of sexual body parts/acts, or talk of predatory men triggers you in any way. Obv super personal so up2u if u feel comfortable reading all that shit bout me.

Body image stuff first, then transmasc insecurities, and sex stuff last.

Can't help but constantly remember how wrong and fucked up my body is. My hips are out of alignment. My legs are bent outward and bow legged. My feet are too arched and my toes are squashed and ugly. My spine sticks out at the base of my neck. My hands are misshapen and incorrect. My arms are covered in scars, old and new. My eyes are different sizes. My mouth is dry, my teeth are misaligned since some of my adult teeth never grew in, my lips are thin and rough. Even my vagina is wrong, rough and inflexible from scar tissue and produces too much discharge to be any kind of normal.

That's all just structure. None of that can be changed. I can never grow my fingers to the right length or get rid of the bump of my spine at my neck (my mother tried) or repair the damage to my leg joints from walking incorrectly from birth. I'm literally built wrong. Even in peak health I'll never look "correct" or "healthy" or anything close. And nothing's "wrong" with me. I'm physically a disappointment, weird, and wrong, inside and out.

I've been struggling with my identity for a while too. Just not the way you'd think. I know I'd like it if I was a guy. But the things that change because I'm "now" a guy are what's hard. Things like my tendency to overexplain and share info becoming mansplaining. Or how complimenting and talking to strangers could now be predatory. But especially everything or anything to do with sexual thoughts or acts or whatever. Anytime I find a girl/woman attractive, especially if I'm not sure of their age, I get super unsettled at the realization that I'm now the nasty creeper dude who over sexualizes young people. Commenting/complimenting my partners' appearance always edges on overly sexual and gross and makes me the hypersexual male who doesn't think of anything else and tries to get it from their partners any way they can (disgusting). Even other things like wanting to raise kids, I have to be careful about how I dress and act around them because any slightly intimate thing could be sexual and it's terrifying. I'm scared shitless of being something like that. I'd rather go back to thinking I'm cis and never touch anything masc again than become another selfish asshole who only thinks with his dick or somehow hurting my partners or my kids by not realizing I was being overly sexual until too late. I hate this all viscerally, and I can acknowledge there's probably a lot of trauma coloring my perspective, but in the mean time I'm stressed tf out and trying not to hate myself based on who I might be.

Speaking of sex.......I'm STILL caught up in fucking Feelings (TM) with this shit and I wish I could just not care. I wish it didn't matter. I wish I could just wake up tomorrow and never think of it again. I don't fucking get it. I'm insecure but I'm not. I want it but I don't. I feel like I'm too fuckin weird and gross to ask for anything but the SECOND there's a possibility of something happening with my partners I practically beg for it. It's pathetic and sad and gross. I'M pathetic and sad and gross.

And its not like my partners put any expectations on me - it's just me not meeting my own. I can't kiss and I dont know how to do foreplay and I say the wrong things and look and act and sound the wrong way and I'm built wrong and my body's weird so why the FUCK would I subject someone I love to that. And physical intimacy matters to me - I want the people I love to always feel soft and safe and loved with me and I never want to hurt them or make them uncomfortable especially so with touch. So when it comes to touching me, I'd never want to make them feel like they have to or make them feel weird. I'd rather never receive anything than mess it up by being wrong.

I've almost cried like 6 times so I'm done for the night. Hoping thisll release some of the pressure in my head