#seasonal depression can't get me if i've been miserable for months already

[oceancamp]

managed to finally hunt down madhouse at the end of earth at the library woohoo

[jitterbugjive]

Okay... I'll Accept Holiday Letters...

So, anyone who has followed me long enough knows by now how I get around the holidays. Seasonal depression kicks in, and bad memories of old toxic Thanksgivings and Christmases flood my brain any time I see or hear reminders of them. Plus there's some trauma from living in poverty and having very little around the holidays and the only people willing to exploit my mentally ill mother for work was the Salvation Army who basically pay pennies. And there's a whole lot more I don't like, like the cold, Christmas Carols, etc.

However.

The last couple of years I finally got to have proper family holiday get togethers since the toxic people in the family are gone now, and it was very healing for me. I still despise the holidays, don't get me wrong, they are mostly miserable for me. I generally tell people to not address the holidays with me.

But... I've been going through a LOT this year. Especially the last 6 months with my mother being manic and getting her whole life messed up. I've also been dealing with another family member experiencing psychosis on and off as well that I haven't felt comfortable talking about. The results of the election and things Oregon was voting on are not helping me feel any better, and I fear that winter depression is going to be hitting me like a truck. I can feel it creeping in already now that the weather is getting under 40F. On top of that, my family isn't in a state right now where anyone can feasibly host Thanksgiving or Christmas, so it's a bit of a lonely one this year. Sure, I have friends I can spend time with, but I was just getting used to the family dinners. Overall, this is just going to be a very hard winter for me.

And for once, I'm going to ask people to lend a bit of the Holiday Spirit (tm) my way, because I really need some pick-me ups to get through the rest of the year. Basically all I'm asking for is for people to send me letters of encouragement through my PO Box. Gifts and fan art are welcome too, I keep all my fan art safe. I'd prefer not to get flat-out christmas cards unless the cards are really nice or creative and have a lot of thought put into what's written in them. I could just really use some kind words and there's something that feels a lot more personal about physical letters that I can store away and pull out on a rainy day.

Please note I have a pea brain that can't read cursive very well, so if possible I'd prefer it be in plain print or typed out.

If you send treats they need to be shelf stable and properly sealed, no home baked goods.

My P.O. Box: (Can be addressed to Jitterbug or Jack)

16055 SW Walker Rd #274Beaverton, OR, 97006

And if anyone's feeling generous I do have an amazon wishlist that people should be able to buy and send stuff from without needing to be the middleman. I don't update it much and a lot of stuff is outdated but you should be able to organize it by priority to get a better idea of what things I'm most interested in. You can even add other stuff to the order that isn't on the list and it will still be shipped to my P.O. Box!

AMAZON WISHLIST

[verobatto]

Destiel Chronicles

(Vol. XXVII)

It was a love story from the very beginning.

Missing You

(7x09/7x12/7x14/7x15)

Hello my friends! I bring to you another volume from this series of metas.

Today is Edlund time!!! So we'll have a lot of Destiel here and Dean missing Cas badly, and being miserable for him too. Thank you Edlund.

I want to say thank you to my friend @agusvedder , she made the gifs for this meta and discussed with me the episodes.

Let's start this...

Edlund put order and re-direct the storyline

When episode 7x09 How to Win Friends and Influence Monsters started, I saw order and direction for the first time in many episodes. Edlund wrote a STOP sign on the road, and writes things as it should be.

1) He takes the Hallucifer storyline again.

2) He explains DEAN IS IN BAD SHAPE AND IS SUICIDAL BECAUSE HE MISS CASTIEL.

These two VITAL points, will be imprescindible for the second half of the season, and I guess the decision of getting back Misha Collins had been taken already, and they had to change things because COMING BACK TO WHAT THE SHOW WAS JUST THE TWO BROTHERS and playing A LOT with Wincest was lowering the rating.

Dean misses Cas

In this episode, we had people eating food with that substance Leviathans had put on corn syrup, and everyone was like intoxicated with it, acting like zombies. Dean was in the first stage, so he began to act weird.

Sam and Bobby noticed this, they pointed this to him, and Dean talks in self defense, but is very, very interesting the thing he mentioned first of all... Remember they were with their defense mechanism lowered, so his brain acted like a drink or a child, without strains, so... Look what Dean said...

"The best I felt in months..."

Okay, let's stop here... Dean is stoned so his words are the very truth coming out from his most repressed feelings... He had been depressed and suicidal the last months... He was feeling really bad, sad, hopeless... Why??? Because he killed Sammy's friend? That Kitsune woman?? No. Beacuse of Castiel! (Thanks Edlund)

Cas? Black goo? I don't even care anymore. 

Right there! �� He mentioned Cas, Black Goo, the way Cas died, Castiel is in his mind the whole time. Is Cas the reason why he's in bad shape. He misses Cas. Badly.

Then, after this, Bobby attacks again, because he's seeing in Dean this suicidal behavior that worries him a lot. Knowing loosing Cas was the thing that marked Dean deeply Bobby tries to talk with him again...

BOBBY: I want to talk about your new party line.

DEAN: Party? What are you talking about? I don't even vote.

BOBBY: "The world's a suicide case. We save it, it just steals more pills"?

DEAN: Bobby, I'm here, okay? I'm on the case. What's the problem?

And as always... Dean is avoiding the topic again...

I'm on the case, I'm concentrated on this, don't put my head in thinking about that again.

BOBBY: I've seen a lot of hunters live and die. You're starting to talk like one of the dead ones, Dean.

DEAN: No, I'm talking the way a person talks when they've had it, when they can't figure out why they used to think all this mattered.

BOBBY: Oh, you poor, sorry... You're not a person.

Okay, here... Dean talks in third person, but what he says is legit, it comes from the bottom of his heart. But Bobby wants more from him. And because he is honest, Bobby is afraid Dean is trying to kill himself by doing the kamikaze thing. So he needs Dean to confront his lost and work on it.

BOBBY: Come on, now. You tried to hang it up and be a person with Lisa and Ben. And now here you are with a mean old coot and a van full of guns. That ain't person behavior, son. You're a hunter, meaning you're whatever the job you're doing today. Now, you get a case of the Anne Sextons, something's gonna come up behind you and rip your fool head off.

What Bobby is trying to say here is YOU WERE A PERSON ONCE, NOW YOU'RE A CRAZY SUICIDAL GUY. He mentions Lisa and Ben because that's the idea of a normal life a person that came out from the hunter life wants. And that's what Sam, Bobby even Cas thought Dean wanted for himself.

This is heartbreaking, Bobby is desperate, because Dean doesn't take his words seriously. He even use words wrong by the end of the speech. But Dean gets the message.

Dean was a person once. He had faith, he had his best friend, he had a thing not so Platonic growing in his heart for him, he trusted him, he was his savior. But he betrayed him, and when they were about to solve things, Cas was gone.

Of course he's depressed and suicidal... Because he not just lost Cas, but everything he represented in Dean's heart and soul.

During the episode, we discover the monster committed suicide... As a parallel with as in the river.

In episode 7x13 The Slice Girls, Sam talks about Dean's behavior too...

SAM: You know what? Bobby was right. Your head's not in it, man. When Cas died, you were wobbly, but now...

DEAN: Now what? Oh, what, you're dealing with it so perfect? Yeah, news flash, pal – you're just as screwed up as I am! You're just... bigger.

(...)

SAM: Look... Dean, the thing is, tonight... It almost got you killed. Now, I don't care how you deal. I really, really don't. But just don't – don't get killed.

Okay, they're having finally the conversation, because now Bobby is dead, and everything is out of control. But is interesting the word Sam choose to describe Dean's shape after Castiel's death... "Wobbly" like loosing stability. He had just lost his strengths, Cas, and that's sad but beautiful at the same time.

And I can't forget episode 7x14 Plucky Pennywhistle Magic Maneuverism where Dean wanted so so badly his rainbow toy... Exquisite.

Two Destiel dark mirrors

Then we have two blatant Destiel's mirror in episode 7x12 and 7x15.

Let's began with 7x12 Time after Time, after time.

In this one, Dean traveled accidentally back in time with Elliot Ness who's a hunter too, to kill Chronos.

And we had at the beginning of the episode a very bi-Dean scene very well known by the fandom, remember Dean checking out a soldier in uniform in the street? Yeah.

But we'll, back to Chronos, when they were about to hunt him, he said a very interesting thing...

CHRONOS: Lila, I'm sorry, but, you just – everything I said to you is true –

DEAN: Oh, he might have left out a few details. He tell you he's a monster who jumps through time?

CHRONOS: [shouting at DEAN] I'm a God! [speaking to LILA] Look, I'm not a monster. Listen. I'm the opposite.

Chronos is trying to convince Lila, his lover, about his true identity, but pay attention to his words... Is a recall to what Dean and Cas had to live when CAS was on the dark side. Even the word God is a reminder of Godstiel.

Let's continue...

ELIOT NESS: Well, don't forget to tell her about all the people you murdered along the way, boy scout.

LILA: What?

CHRONOS: It's not like that. I do it for you, Lila.

LILA: I don't understand.

Okay are we again on that cabin with CAS trapped in the fire?

The word boy scout it talks about a good, kind and nice person that make things to help others. So we could call that Cas too, because he thought he was doing what he was doing for the greatest cause.

Now... Chronos says those words to Lila "I do it for you." And that's to put a finger on our wounds, people... Yes the same phrase Cas repeated to Dean.

Let's leave Chronos right here, and continue with episode 7x15 Repo Man (Edlund's).

I want to point here, this one was a blatant mirror, written so exquisitely by Edlund, and choosing each word, to make us see how Dean was feeling about loosing Cas... Pay attention...

JEFFREY: Did you ever think that maybe I loved being possessed? Did you? 

Now, the word connection here, as a mirror of the profound bond between Dean and Cas. Dean loved it.

Castiel saved Dean from Hell, we can say he liberated Dean from perdition. Then, he gave him faith, a purpose in his life. A new and true mission.

Again... Cas was his faith, his strengths. He changed Dean's life for ever.

Okay, isn't this a description of what Dean is feeling now? Jeffrey is describing Dean's behavior and cause of his depression by describing his own experience with the demon. And is beautiful, because this is previous to Castiel's return in episode 17. Like a premonition, a preparation.

Yes, my friends, Edlund is emphasizing DEAN IS IN BAD SHAPE, SAD, DEPRESSED, SUICIDAL, FOR CASTIEL.

After this, Jeffrey can summon the demon, but he possesed another body, and not him. And he gets jealous, well, this is kind of hilarious because when Dean found Emmanuel, he was married with his female version, but, it felt kind of a cheating, isn't? Okay, we could say... This is a foreshadow to that. 🤣

To Conclude:

These episodes written by Edlund showed us Dean was in bad shape because of Cas. Drawing a couple of Strong's points like Dean being stoned and talking without strains about his feelings and Cas and Bobby talking with him because he sensed his suicidal behavior.

There was two dark Destiel mirrors, but the one that was a blatant and heartbreaking was Jeffrey and his demon. We could say each word Jeffrey said, it was Dean talking about his lost connection with Castiel.

These episode were a preparation to Misha's return in episode 17.

I hope you enjoy this Chronicles! See you in the next one!

Tagging @metafest @magnificent-winged-beast @emblue-sparks @weirddorkylittlediana @michyribeiro @whyjm @koshisekisen @legendary-destiel @a-bit-of-influence @thatwitchydestielfan @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @lykanyouko @evvvissticante @savannadarkbaby @angelneedshunter @trickster-archangel @dea-stiel @poorreputation @bre95611 @thewolfathedoor @charlottemanchmal @neii3n @deathswaywardson @followyourenergy @dean-is-bi-till-i-die @hekatelilith-blog @avidbkwrm @anarchiana @mishka-the-angel-of-saturday @dickpuncher365 @vampyrosa @foxyroxe-art @authorsararayne @anonymoustitans @mybonsai1976 @love-neve-dies @wildligia @dustythewind @wayward-winchester67 @angelwithashotgunandtrenchcoat @trashblackrainbow @deeutdutdutdoh @destiel-is--endgame @destiel-shipper-11 @larrem88 @charmedbycastiel @ran-savant @little-crazy-misha-minion @samoosetheshipper

@shadows-and-padlocked-hearts @mishtho @dancingtuesdaymorning @nerditoutwithbooks @mikennacac73

If you want to be tagged, please let me know.

If you want to read the previous season 7 chronicle, here's the link. Vol XXV and vol. XXVI.

Buenos Aires September 4th 2019 8:24 PM

[alarajrogers]

Basically yes. The light is disappearing, and is dimmer when it's in the sky, because it's closer to the southern horizon and therefore further away from the top of the sky. Things are getting colder, but no beautiful shiny snow that reflects the sunlight... it's just all wet. Things are actively dying all around you. It's a death they expected and planned for, but it's still depressing.

December is also a very bad month, but most cultures in the Northern Hemisphere came up with some kind of "everything is getting dark so let's put lights up everywhere!" holiday. (In the case of Christmas, its ubiquity actually adds to some people's depression, but it was a holiday invented to cheer us up on the longest nights.) October and November holidays aren't about light. October celebrates the coming darkness, which is cool and lots of people love it, but it's not exactly cheerful. November is just about food, and probably having to spend time with people who annoy you, most likely.

By the time we get to January, the days are increasing in length again. Even though the cold gets worse, by now you're used to it and have become accustomed, again, to having to wear a coat outside. There may be snow, which is objectively beautiful as long as you're not the one who has to shovel it. So people's moods pick up in January because things are on a rising note. Everything that was going to die is already dead and on its way to its resurrection date. The sun is deigning to visit us more often.

(Obviously this is all Northern Hemisphere temperate and cooler climates. I would imagine that Australians and South Americans feel about October and November what we NHers feel about April and May.)

So yeah. October and November and December are the months that are super bad for mental health. Also, I must stress this, physical health. Before COVID, when I did not wear masks everywhere, every member of my family would get sick in October or November with nasty colds that made us miserable. Cold weather doesn't by itself give you a cold -- that's viruses -- but by dehumidifying the air and driving you indoors most of the time, it makes you more vulnerable. Usually that bullshit is over by December, but not always.

But I've discovered a lovely trick that saves me from the health aspects of this seasonal hell: wear my mask! Indoors! Every time I go shopping! At a restaurant if I'm walking around and not at my table! Last time I got sick was February 2020. (Allergies, now. Allergies are fucking with me hardcore because I have indoor allergies and I've been driven indoors, and I can't leave the windows open.) I mean, masks are a pain in the ass, but they are so beneficial this season, not just for preventing COVID but simply the nasty common cold! Like, no one dies of a cold, but lots of times people with a cold wish they were dead, so why wouldn't you want to save yourself from that?

what do they put in october and november that makes them the most ungodly mental breakdown psychosis inducing months imaginable. what are they storing in the orange leaves and generally grey drowsy atmosphere