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xxisxxisxxis · 4 years ago

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Gateway Drug | Part Seventy-Seven

So sorry this was so late, guys. Thank you for the sweet messages. For those who don't know my cousin was found by her two little children yesterday morning. She's been a heavy drinker for the last few years and we suspect she was getting into drugs as well through her husband. She was only 26 and way too young to die. I always idolized her when I was little, and wanted to be just like her. I know everyone has demons and are imperfect but it's really opened my eyes that even people we put on pedestals have things they're working through, just like us. Addiction runs in my family (obviously because this is the second cousin we've had to bury this year due to drug/alcohol addiction), I just always thought she would make it out. Thanks again for your thoughts and prayers, it isn't going unnoticed.

Words: 5k

Warning(s): explicit language, violence, drug abuse, mentions of sexual assault

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"That's it?" I sneer at Nikki, on his heels after shoving Sparkie aside and leaving him in the dressing room, my hand reaching out to grab Nikki's wrist and snatch him back to me to keep him from walking away. "Not too long ago you beat the shit out of him for doing the exact same thing, Nikki, what the hell is so different now?" I demand, and he pulls away from me, his hazel eyes darkening with a looming sadness as he just looks down at me.

"He's a fucking pervert, Viv. We know this, alright? Just kick his ass if you want to. I'm not gonna beat a dead horse." He dismisses me.

What had changed was when he beat Sparkie to a pulp the last time, he didn't know about Duff. After discovering my relationship with one of his friends, it wouldn't have shocked him to find out that Sparkie and I were fooling around, too. I was a slut in his eyes, which was fine, because he was one in my eyes, too.

"Why the hell can't you just try to protect me, for once, Nikki?!" I snap at him, tears in my eyes, and he huffs out a huge breath, glaring at me.

"Because I don't care, Vivian!" He screams.

"Oh, that's pretty evident, Nikki, that really is!"

"I haven't protected you? You haven't protected me!" He throws at me, pointing his finger in my face.

"Protected you from what?! Drugs?! The bullshit of fame?! People that want a piece of you just to say they're friends with Nikki Sixx?! I've tried! I've dedicated my fucking life to you! To making you happy, and making sure you were okay and every time I thought you were, you'd just go off the deep again!" I shout, a lump in my throat...my lost babies...my relationship with Duff..."I've protected you more than you even know, Nikki. And if I haven't, I've tried, and I'm still trying!" I outburst.

His black-smeared eyes widen at my words, his jaw clenching as his nostrils flare.

"You're still trying to protect me?" He asks, shaking slightly. "What exactly from, Vivian? Huh?"

I blow him off, shaking my head slightly, about to walk away when he grabs my neck, making me squeak in pain.

"You weren't protecting me from shit when you did that Playboy cover just to spite me. You weren't protecting me when you started fights with me over tiny shit, you weren't protecting me when you were hiding our relationship from people to begin with and you sure as fuck weren't protecting me when you hid your friendship with Duff from me!" He hisses out, his nose brushing mine, his hand still around my throat. "You want guys to respect you when you aren't worth a fucking thing which is why you had to get naked in a magazine to get validation in the first place." He adds viciously. "And as for Sparkie, you've made it pretty evident you'll wrap those pretty legs around just about anyone so excuse me for not thinking Sparkie is where you draw the line being that you're just another pussy to unload in and get on to the next attention-humping slut."

A satisfying crack sounds when my fist connects to his eye, making his fingers release my throat as he groans, stumbling back.

I wipe my tears, taking a deep breath as I shakily step past him, my eyes closing slightly as I wince at the unbearable “I hate you!” screaming past his lips, being hurled at me.

“You don’t get the luxury of hating me, Nikki.” I snap at him, continuing to walk away.

“You’re ungrateful and spiteful and selfish. Everything I have done for you--our lifestyle, our house, our--”

“And I never asked for any of it! I never wanted any of it! I just wanted you, Nikki!” I turn around to look at him once more, my voice cracking tiredly because we’ve had this conversation a thousand times before. “You didn’t have to do any of it for me but you did because you were trying to earn my love and respect but you already had it, I already adored you without the other bullshit, and you adored the excess and the groupies and the drugs!” I point out and he looks at me painfully, tears in his own eyes, out of anger, no doubt.

“I fucking failed you, Vivian, how many times are you gonna make sure I hear it?!” He yells back.

“Until you stop victimizing yourself and making me out to be the bad guy when you know damn well you did this to me! You ruined me, just like my fucking mom said you would!”

“I ruined you?!” He questions, his eye beginning to swell up. “I never forced you into a relationship with me, Vivian! You knew exactly what you were getting into when you got with me!”

“If I knew what I was getting into, I wouldn’t have given you a minute of my time, let alone six years of my life because you weren’t worth it!”

“I hate you!” He repeats, this time he really sounds like he means it, and I can’t help but give it right back to him as the words, “I hate you!” fly from my mouth before I can stop them.

He already deemed himself unlovable due to his mother only wanting him when it was convenient for her, and his father never wanting him to begin with...I only reinforced that, without meaning to, somewhere along the way.

“What the hell is goin’ on?!” Doc shouts over us and we look at him. “What the fuck happened to your eye?!” He pipes next, looking at Nikki.

“It’s fine.” He swats Doc away when he tries to take a look at it. “I can still play and make you plenty of money.” He adds in a hiss, shoving past him, shooting me one last death glare before leaving us.

“What the fuck happened?” Doc demands.

“I’m getting a divorce.” I state. “That’s what.”

When I turn around I see Izzy, his eyes hiding behind his shades, cigarette hanging from his lips as he trails behind me when I pass him.

“Ya know, it’d be easier if you didn’t add fuel to the fire, Viv.” Izzy tells me, not meaning any harm by it, but I’ve had enough.

“And my life would be easier if you were just dead.” I snap, slamming the bathroom door behind me.

I wondered what it would feel like if Nikki just knew about Duff and I. I wouldn’t have had that looming, paranoid fear, I wouldn’t have constantly been avoiding certain conversations altogether and I certainly wouldn’t have given Sparkie any ammunition...of course, it would have been the absolute end to our marriage, then and there--same day divorce, no questions asked…

“Nikki, just hear me out, please,” I plead, tears rolling down my cheeks as I tug my shirt on.

“How was it?” He asks me, fuming, and I furrow my brows, slightly.

“W-Wha--”

“--You said you wanted me to hear you out, Vivian, so I wanna know exactly how fucking one of my friends was?” He hisses, and I shake my head.

“You don’t need to patronize me, Nikki, I just made a mistake--just like you made with Vanity.” I tell him.

“Oh, my God.” He scoffs out, making a beeline for the tousled blankets in the living room floor in front of the fireplace.

“Nikki--”

“--When you found out about her you marched into the room, threw things around, called me every disgusting thing you could think of and wouldn’t hear a thing from me about why it happened but you do it, a-and it’s just a ‘mistake’ you made?” He asks me, his voice struggling to maintain it’s stern composure.

“I’m sorry, Nikki, alright? I am sorry, please don’t do thi--Nikki!” I shout as he throws the blankets into the burning fire, heading to our bedroom. “Nikki, stop!”

He starts stripping the sheets from the obviously screwed-in bed, next.

“You destroyed my shit when I cheated, why the fuck does it matter that I do it to you, huh?” He’s not even yelling, he’s surpassed the stage of “yelling” anger.

“Because I didn’t cheat!” I insist.

“Then why are you so upset that I walked in and saw you in bed with him, Vivian?” He asks next, keeping the tears in his eyes from toppling as he speaks.

“Because I didn’t want you to find out this way.” I admit, my voice shaking and hoarse from crying.

He throws the sheets at my feet, before silently going to his closet, grabbing his clothes as fast as he can.

“What are you doing?” I ask him, panic in my voice.

“I’m not sleeping here tonight, Vivian, I-I can’t.” He tells me.

“Nikki, no, we need to talk about this or-or something, please.”

“I can’t be here, right now, I-I look at you and I just…” He can’t finish, clenching his jaw. “...I’m not staying here tonight.”

“Then we can talk about it tomorrow, Nikki, just please--”

“--I don’t know when I’m gonna be back, Vivian, I don’t, so just leave it at that. You stay here as long as you want and he can, too, I don’t care anymore.” He lets out, weakly, grabbing the suitcase he came in with.

“Where are you going?” I hold back a sob and he ignores me. “Nikki, please, talk to me about this, I--”

“--There’s nothing to talk about. I slept with Vanity and you slept with Duff, we’re even now, and should both be done with this shit.” He continues packing quickly.

“Nikki, please don’t go, we can work this out like we’ve always done, please.” I grab his hand, my eyes swelling from crying, my nose running, but I don’t care.

“How do you expect me to feel sorry for what I did with Vanity when you’re trying to make everything better with another guy’s cum in you?” He asks me, calmly. “This marriage was obviously just damned from the start, so just call it what it is and let’s both get on with our lives.” He closes his suitcase, picking it up.

I’m pathetic with tears cascading down my face, giving one last "hail Mary" attempt as I hold to his arm that reaches for the door knob, and sob out:

“Nikki, please, don’t leave me like this, I don’t care about what happened with Vanity, just don’t leave me like this, can we please just talk about it and try to work on it, please, Nikki.”

He looks down at me, his own dam breaking just briefly enough for one of his tears to fall from his face and land on my lips, slithering through my slightly parted lips.

One last taste of him, before he’s shaking me off of him, and leaving me.

Yeah, I guess it’s good he didn’t find out sooner.

“Hey,” Duff’s voice cracks my thoughts, making snap back to reality as I look in the mirror, seeing him tower over me, and Stevie cheerfully bouncing on the balls of his feet, bringing a small smile to my lips, “Doc said you were in here.” Duff adds and I wipe my eyes, trying to avoid messing my makeup up any worse than it is.

“Yeah, I figured.” I reply softly.

“You just have one last night, okay?” Steven reassures me. “Just one more night and you’ll be outta this mess and back home.”

“Right.” I try to give my most convincing performance, grinning as best as I can...Duff clearly sees through it, clearing his throat a little.

“Vivian, if you wanna go back to the hotel, I won’t be mad.” Duff offers.

“What? And miss you guys’ last show on this tour? Are you kidding me?” I brush it off, my chest clenching as he looks down at me and Steven just raises a brow, their sweet faces obviously showing concern.

“You don’t have to act all tough around us, ya know.” Duff tells me, and I rub my lips together.

“I’m not acting.” I insist, shaking my head, turning back around to wipe the smudged mascara from under my eyes. “I’m tough as nails.” I explain, sounding as if I’m trying to convince myself, and them, of it.

“Duff, dude, Axl wants you.” Slash peeps his head in.

“Alright, man, I’m comin’.” Duff says. “See you in a second, k?”

I nod, maintaining my unbothered expression as he kisses my cheek, leaving me with Steven.

“You know, you’ve got a lot of shit on you right now, but...we’re not cats, Viv.” He tells me out of nowhere.

“What?” I ask him, confused.

“My grandma has this fat-ass cat, and he got sick and even though he was at his food bowl, he wouldn’t eat, he’d just make it seem like he was. My grandma’s vet told her cats pretend they aren’t weaker than usual to keep other cats from finishing them off.” He states and I let out a breath, nodding.

“You think I’m bullshitting to keep from making it worse?” I ask him, trying to keep my shaking voice at bay.

“I think when you and Nikki were still together and working on things, and shit was hell behind the scenes but seemed so glamorous on the outside, you didn’t pretend everything was fine to keep Doc off your case...you pretended Nikki wasn’t a heroin addict and your relationship was fine to keep other girls from ganging up on you and trying to steal him away.” He says calmly.

“Well, Vanity can tell you that didn’t work.” I scoff, sniffling.

“You don’t have to keep pretending everything’s fine, anymore, Viv.” Stevie states.

“I’m a woman, Steven. It’s not fine. Everyone is pinning my failed marriage on me as if it’s my fault he was on drugs, and sleeping with another woman, and--” I stop myself before I start crying, not wanting to refix my makeup. “--When it goes public, he’ll be praised for being a rockstar and knowing what he wants, and I’ll be scolded for not being sexy enough or fun enough or pretty enough or nasty enough or whatever enough to keep him happy and entertained to the capacity it requires to keep men happy.” I tell him, my voice rasping through the lump in my throat. “None of this would be a problem if I were just a freaking guy.” I add, laughing humorlessly.

He doesn’t have anything to say, opting to wrap one of his arms around my shoulders while the other wraps around my stomach, hugging me to him, his cheek resting against my hair as a tear rolls down my cheek, my hands find his, welcoming his embrace full-heartedly.

I predicted it.

Once the news of our divorce hit newsstands, it was automatically my fault, and when those “Nikki Sixx Files for Divorce from Estranged Wife” headlines turned into, “Nikki Sixx and Wife Retract Divorce Filing”, and then, “Vivian Sixx Announces Pregnancy Bombshell, Duff McKagan (Guns N’ Roses) is the Father”, all hell broke loose.

Things like, “Vivian Sixx: You Can Put a Ring on a Groupie, but It’s Still a Groupie,” and “*Insert whatever rockstar’s name I happened to be at the same social gathering as* and Vivian Sixx, Here’s What We Know,” were put on tabloids.

When Los Angeles Daily Times spun a bullshit story about me and my alleged affair with Jani Lane, who was engaged to Bobbie Brown--who was also one of my friends--at the time, and also claimed I didn’t get along with Bret Michaels or Bobby Dall because they were somehow my recent ex-lovers, Izzy and Steven went down to their office with a shotgun and threatened the moron who wrote the article.

An apology was issued publicly, rather quickly, as it should’ve been, but everything everyone said about me, and the situation, whether negative or positive, stuck with me for years, and it took awhile for the negative to be shaken off.

"We go on in, like, twenty minutes, Viv." He tells me softly and I nod. "I love you." He adds.

"I love you, too, Stevie." I reply.

His lips give a quick kiss to my exposed shoulder before he's leaving to go join Axl, Izzy, Slash, and Duff.

I fix my makeup once more, going to Mötley's dressing room to grab my purse and reapply my lipstick.

Emi and Donna quiet down when I come in, they're sprucing their hair up, glancing at me, looking like they've been caught even though I didn't hear what they were talking about.

"Hey, girls." I tell them, grabbing my lipstick.

"Hey, Viv." Emi replies.

"Where the guys at?" I ask.

"Vince and Tommy went to find some girls, Mick's talking to Doc, and Nikki…" they trail off, exchanging a look.

"...Is in the bathroom shooting up. Got it." I scoff, using their mirror to smear red on my lips.

There's a tension, as if they want to tell me something else, but don't exactly know how to.

"What's up?" I ask them, next.

They look away from me and I furrow my brows.

"Girls, what's wrong?" I question and Donna sighs.

"Sparkie just came in here and told us--randomly--that you and Duff have been sleeping together on this leg of the tour." Emi confesses, my nerves bunching up and frying.

"W-What?" I ask.

"He told us and then asked where Nikki was and we told him we didn't know because we didn't want him to tell him that because it's not true." Donna adds and my face tells it all. "Oh, my God."

"Nikkk cannot know, he can't tell him." I insist, heading to the door.

"We'll find Nikki, you find Sparkie." Emi offers.

"Thank you." I tell them, opening the door, running into Nikki.

"The fuck are you doing in here?" He questions me.

"Um...girl talk." I lie as best as I can and he rolls his eyes, pushing me out of the way, sitting on the couch, leaning his head back and closing his eyes.

I look at Emi and Donna, mouthing, "keep him in here," and they nod.

I shut the door, on the hunt for Sparkie.

As I'm walking backstage, I notice how the crew is staring at me more than usual, even more than when my Playboy issue came out.

I furrow my brows slightly, seeing Nikki's bass tech about to pass by, grabbing his arm and stopping him.

"What's everyone's deal?" I ask him and he looks at my hand on his arm, and back to me.

"It seems you've given people reason to talk about you...and Duff...again." he explains, alluding to me using Duff's in Playboy.

"Did Sparkie--"

"--Yeah." He nods and I feel my blood boil. "Good luck." He gives me a small smile and goes on his way, making me shake my head a little as I look at everyone looking at me, whispering under their breath.

I make a couple laps around backstage, managing to never find Sparkie, but I do see Tansy by the drink table, and I make a beeline for her.

"Where's Sparkie?" I ask and she looks at me.

"Oh, um, I-I think he went to talk to Nikki." She tells me. "He went to check in their dressing room, maybe? I'm not sure, he didn't say but he said he couldn't find him and headed that direction, why?"

My heart hammers in my chest, and I can't bring myself to answer before I'm rushing back to the dressing room as fast as I can in my heels, opting to just take them off altogether and carry them in my hand.

"Hey, Vi--" I shove through Vince, Tommy and Mick who're about to enter, opening the door in a burst, feeling tears pool in my eyes as I stare at Sparkie and Nikki sitting together on the couch.

That's it. I'm done with. I'm fucked. Nikki knows. He knows. That's it.

"Hey, Viv." Sparkie fauxly grins at me, propping his feet up on the small coffee table scattered with porn magazines, and I feel my stomach turn, my eyes shifting to Nikki, whose expression is too neutral for me to know if he knows or not. "I'm glad you could join us, I was just about to have a very important conversation with Nikki." He tells me.

"Can I talk to you outside for a moment, Sparkie, please?" I beg, anxiety prickling at my nerves, glancing behind me when I hear feet shuffling, seeing we now have an audience of Tommy, Vince, Mick, Steven and Izzy, along with Emi and Donna who sit quietly in the corner, looking guilty for not keeping Sparkie away.

"I think whatever you want to say to me, you can say in front of Nikki." Sparkie says, standing up and I roll my jaw. "In fact, why don't you tell him?"

"Sparkie." Tommy speaks up, causing the grease ball to look at him over my shoulder. "Dude, chill out."

"What exactly do you need to tell me?" Nikki questions loosely, still in the clouds…

"Yeah, Vivian. What exactly do you need to tell him?" Sparkie smiles.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Is all I can come up.

"I'm sure they do." He adds flatly, and Nikki stands up stepping to us.

"What the hell's he talking about?" He questions me.

"He's a lunatic, Nikki, I don't know." I shrug, the palms of my hands sweaty.

"You don't know?" Sparkie raises his brows, stepping past me and Nikki to walk to the door.

I know what he's about to do: drop the bombshell and leave me with Nikki to suffer.

Anger takes over at the thought, how disgusting he's been to Tansy, how repulsive he's treated me, how cruel he's been to Nikki in terms of making him feel like he has to have heroin...I glance down to see the plunger of a syringe in Nikki's black boot. And I snap.

My hand pulls the capped needled syringe from his shoe, and I get the cap off, the needle slamming into the skin of Sparkie's left shoulder blade, just after he's about to say, "I bet Duff knows," but he only manages to get out, "I bet Du--".

"Vivian!" Tansy's screaming shriek rips through the room as I get Sparkie on his knees by bearing my weight on him while continuing to shove the needle in and out of him, stabbing him with it as hard as I can each time, arms wrapping around my waist and him, trying to get me off of him.

When I realize I'm being pried away, I discard the syringe and claw my nails at his eyes, making him scream and holler louder while everyone's yelling at me and Tansy's sobbing.

I feel the forceful pull of a set of arms around my waist, and two more sets of hands on my arms, finally plucking me from Sparkie.

Doc, Steven, and Mick are all holding me at bay as Tansy looks Sparkie over, everyone else in shock. Except Nikki.

Sparkie's a crying, babbling wreck.

"Tell him now, bitch!" I bark at him, and he only wails louder.

As sick as it is, hearing him that distraught brought me a joy I'd never known. Sick bastard had finally gotten what he deserved. Maybe it makes me a crazy bitch for doing it, but nobody else had the balls to try to kill him when we all wanted to, so I suppose I took one for the team. And you know what? I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Sick bastard.

"You cannot just start beating the fuck out of people--not even beating, this time, Vivian, he can go and press some serious charges against you and--"

"--Because he's a pussy." I snap and Doc snatches at my wrist, stopping me.

"Because you stabbed him, repeatedly, with a heroin needle, Vivian." He grits out.

"So, I'm supposed to care whether the needle I plunge, repeatedly, into a drug-hustling-rapist is dedicated to the use of smack or not?" I furrow my brows.

"I'm not saying that--"

"--Then don't say anything at all because at this point, everything he's done to Tansy and tried to do to me, is inexcusable and I'll stab him a million more times if I damn well please, and anyone trying to talk me our of it is a Sparkie sympathizer and I assure you, you don't want me to find out you sympathize with him." I promise, turning to walk away.

"I'm not saying he doesn't deserve it, Viv. I'm just saying that you weren't this violent six years ago." He states and I stop, rolling my jaw, before turning back to him.

"Because I didn't have much of a backbone six years ago, and I cared about making everyone happy six years ago and I let people run over me if it made them happy six years ago and I was stupid and naive and had this idea that if I'm a good person, people will be good people back. But seeing how drastically my life has changed in a matter of two years in terms of my marriage and personal relationships and all the boozing, drugging and pussy-chasing in between, I don't have the grace or the patience to try to make people happy anymore. And that's not me being a crazy bitch, or a shitty person, that's simply me adapting and reacting to the environment I've been put in. I'm trying. I am doing my best. If my best isn't good enough for you then please walk to the back of the line of people waiting to deep throat my clit." I calmly tell him before going anywhere else to collect myself before the show starts.

"Hey, Stripey Balboa." Izzy chuckles to me when I get in their dressing room.

"Izzy." I roll my eyes, plopping down on the couch and he raises a brow.

"Have you gotten your barbarism out of your system yet?" He asks next.

"I will once I shank you with a needle if you keep talking your shit."

"I'm not talking shit. In fact, I admire your willingness to completely throw out your moral compass over a shit-smothered asshole like Sparkles and, by doing so, making me afraid and slightly aroused." He replies with a slick, sarcastic grin, before genuinely smiling. "Honestly, though, I'm glad it was you and not me because I would've killed him before drugs ever did." He adds, leaning forward and patting my knee before standing.

"I'm sorry for what I said earlier." I say before he can leave, turning to look at him. "My life wouldn't be easier if you died. Yeah, I'd have one less person to worry about, but you're one of the people that makes my life good, so...I wouldn't know what to do without you."

"Nikki didn't have any reason to cheat on you. I just said that to piss you off." He admits with a sigh.

"So, we're good?"

"I don't even remember why we weren't good to begin with." He shrugs, giving a little wink before leaving me alone.

After a few more minutes, I decide to go grab a Pepsi, standing up to leave, only to accidentally bump into a woman that seems somewhat recognizable, but also, not, at the same time.

"H-Hi, um, i-is this where the band hangs out before the show?" She asks me, glancing around.

"Um, yeah, most times...which band?" I reply and she raises her brows.

"What?"

"Which band? There's Guns N' Roses, and Mötley Crüe." I explain.

"Oh, Mötley Crüe. I got in contact with their manager and he gave me directions and mailed me a backstage pass, so--"

"--Doc did?" I question and she nods.

"Yes, I tried to find him, but I can't seem to find any familiar faces so..." she trails off and I nod.

"Okay, well, let's go find him, alright?" I suggest kindly, feeling bad at the fact she looks way lost and like a fish out of water as we walk down the hall.

She glances at me for a moment, before clearing her throat.

"You look even prettier in person." She says to me and I look at her.

"Thank you." I reply. "So, are you a reporter or just a die-hard fan?"

"Oh, neither." She says. "Where's your wedding ring?" She asks next and I'm at a loss for words for a moment.

"Um, I lost it." I lie.

"Oh."

We continue looking for a couple more moments, to no avail.

"They're probably grabbing some last minute stuff from the bus, but um, you're more than welcome to eat anything or drink anything you want while you wait." I motion to the table of food prepared for the guys and the road crew.

"I was thinking I'd get to know my daughter-in-law a little better." She says next.

"Oh, is she here with you?" I question, looking around, but she takes my left hand, looking blankly at my empty ring finger before adding, "at least I think she's still my daughter in law."

#gateway drug #nikki sixx #mötley crüe #nikki sixx x fanfiction #nikki sixx x oc

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