#screaming but daddy im indifferent to him

[wannaeatramyeon]

Meeting DG for the First Time: Coffee

G/N. Fluffy? Strangers to lovers-ish. Masterlists

"Watch it!" You snap at the pink haired stranger.

Granted the collision wasn't entirely his fault, but he was the one who walked around the corner at breakneck speed, causing you to stumble into him and spill coffee all over yourself.

Not even a single drop landed on him, not even a splatter.

The look of surprise on the guy's face is soon replaced with practised indifference. No apology leaves his lips, he just glances coolly at you before striding off.

"What the hell. So fucking rude!" You snarl at this retreating back, loud enough for him to hear, see a brief pause mid step then he continues on.

Adding one more insult to soothe your temper, you holler, "Stupid pink haired weirdo!"

It does nothing to pacify your ire when you see his shoulders shaking, and a sudden bark of laughter from his direction.

He stops, turns, and grins. Sharp canine on full display and eyes full of mirth.

"Asshole," you mutter, narrowing your eyes and flipping him off.

You continue walking in the opposite direction, not wanting to have him interrupt your day any longer.

That idiot. With the pink hair and the fucking teeth. God how you want to wipe that smile off his stupid face.

.

.

DG is distracted all day.

Seeing your face all scrunched up with righteous anger was frankly adorable. The way there was zero recognition even when you saw him properly, and the viciousness at which you were slinging insults only added to your charm.

If only you thought the same. You spend the rest of your day cursing him.

.

.

Misfortune finds you, and luck finds DG when he sees you again the following week.

He recognises the back of you, your posture, the way you hold yourself.

It's not a surprise to him that he does. After all, he's a genius in many things. There's enemies and his past trying to catch up with him around every corner, it pays dividends to be vigilant. 

What is a surprise though, is the shot of joy at seeing you. The smile he has to hold back.

What should have been a no-nothing encounter has spread like a wildfire, burning his skin and blazing over his entire being.

A brief wrinkle in time - the incident, your insults, your attitude and face screwed up and indignant - has left a mark on him.

Catching up then matching you stride for stride, DG murmurs loud enough for you to hear.

"How's the coffee stains?"

Part of him wonders why he asked that. Why the cold Diego Kang persona is dropped and his old bratty James Lee self has reared its cocky head.

Like being around you has flipped a switch.

You turn to face him, confusion fleeting before you take in his pink hair and the haughty, mischievous expression and your eyes widen in shock and recognition.

The smile that he held back breaks through when he notices your lips pursing, the annoyance painted blatantly on your face as you choose to ignore the question.

"Ruined, I take it?"

"..."

"I'll replace it."

"..."

"It's the least I could do."

Curiosity gets the best of you. "What? The coffee?

"No, your clothes."

Who even offers to buy people clothes?! You give him an incredulous look and receive a full on grin in return. 

There's that damn canine again. You wonder if it's as sharp as it looks.

"No thanks."

DG shrugs, "Ok just the coffee then."

You pull another face at that. Is this guy for real? Is he trying to ask you out for a coffee? Just as you're about to tell him to piss off, he cuts you off-

His next words surprising even himself-

"...And sorry. For running into you like that."

Huh. You think he's sincere, although his expression seems to be constantly trying to challenge you and he looks very full of himself. But at least, his eyes seem genuine.

Your resolve wavers. You can’t believe you’re even agreeing to this.

"Fine. One coffee."

.

.

DG finds you a little awkward and a lot funny. The way you take your coffee is absolutely disgusting, and your loud slurps are an abomination.

It's endearing as hell.

He watches you watching him. Silence sits well with him. It's a powerplay he has learned to use to his advantage. Whoever breaks first, loses. Useful for media shenanigans and negotiating with idol agents. But he sees you fiddling, your glances when you think he's not looking, feels your unease lingering in the air.

And the silence is broken-

"Do you still keep calling me asshole in your head?"

You choke on your coffee, not expecting such a conversation starter. He's not smiling, face blank, but you hear the playfulness behind the words. 

Still, you grimace because it's true.

"And other things." You confess.

"I see."

Then he leans forward. Gives you a nod as a form of introduction.

"I'm Dieg-" he pauses. Thinks he's always been a good judge of character and makes a split decision that he hopes will come to bear fruit. "James Lee."

"James," You say. Casually. Not knowing the weight of the secret he has let you in on. You gesture to the cup in your hand, "Thanks for the coffee."

It's... nice. It's been so long since anyone has called him by his name without any expectation. Or malice or animosity.

A clean slate.

James Lee nods again in acknowledgement and sips quietly on his own drink.

This really is nice.

Fuck it.

"Can I get your number?" He asks, holding out his phone, and internally cringes although the outside remains a mask of cool, self-assured confidence. 

It's been so long since he's had to do this. He's used to actors and starlets and models throwing themselves at him without having to do any leg work. Do people even ask for numbers anymore or is it social media handles now?

"So I can warn you the next time I'm speeding round the corner, drink in hand."

Ugh, what a line, you think, huffing out a laugh. He really is an asshole.

You reach out for it anyway, and tip tap away, adding in your details before handing it back.

"Y/N," James reads, savouring the syllables.

He likes the sound of your name as much as his own on your lips.

[sexysilverstrider]

silver is ideally the sexiest rival to me. he was cold, heartless, ruthless, cruel, and mean when kotone first meets him. he abused his pokemon and forced them to be strong. as his voice is actually deep and husky and its rough when hes angry.

but he then gets better and shows love and trust for his pokemon. his actions are gentler and he gives words of encouragement to them. its still quite harsh but his pokemon knows him so well and they know he truly loves them and they love him.

he also changed with his interaction with people. he was rough and cruel to people before (shoving kotone, mocking kris for falling into a hole in the burned tower, and stealing pokemon) but as he changes so does his way of interacting with people. hes still indifferent n cold to others but he gives word of advices every now and then. and i love how kotone, hibiki, lance, and even green are so used to silvers way and theyre so happy to see him being better and they love him for how he is. even his voice sounds softer and his laughter is sweeter. when he says 'oi oi' in a playful tone i scream. he does scream a lot in battles. hes very passionate.

deisgn wise? those sharp eyes got me in a grip. silver eyes. violer eyes. red eyes. u can have all the colour of the rainbow for your iris baby youre still sexy. his colour scheme? black and red? by GOD those are my favourite colour combo!! his famous smirk? silver rarely has a soft smile. all his smiles are either cocky or dashing. he has a dashing smile. he has a VERY fucking sexy smirk. his long red hair is so silly sometimes but if thats tied to a ponytail im gonna die. he wears that signature jacket but im happy that we as society often depict him wearing a black singlet under it.

and his voice actor? ono yuuki? never in my life would i expect such a deep husky voice for my favourite pokemon character but im so happy it fits. now i see silver i hear silver. he sounds so vibrant when hes passionate in battles. he sounds so playful when hes teasing kotone in the interaction menu. he sounds so adorable when hes pushing for a battle. i love that ono yuuki has voice an otome character with a similar trope as silvers so the immersion is real.

the fact that silver is the heir of team rocket also makes it 100x sexier. he hates his father but the fact that giovanni fucks to make silver exist in this world everybody say thank u gio daddy. in another world silver wouldve been the next rocket boss in that crisp black suit and black fingerless gloves. he would be colder. meaner. more deranged. if they can make kieran insane whats stopping them from appying all thoae traits to an evil rocket boss silver??? im losing it!!

long story short i love silver. sexiest character alive for me and i love him very very very much

[waitimcomingtoo]

fine line - p.p

chapter 3

pairing: Peter Parker x Stark!Reader

Synopsis: there’s a fine line between love and hate and you and Peter dance it on a regular basis

Series Masterlist and Regular Masterlist

Not wanting to go to bed and leave thing the way you had, Peter waited for you to get home before he went to bed. His cheek slowly slid down his hand as he struggled to keep his eyes open. He knew your curfew was midnight, so he just had to wait until then. Finally at 12:08, you walked in the room. Peter felt the chill right away as you dropped your purse on the table and put your hands in your hips, glaring at Peter.

“How was your date?” He asked kindly. “Did he ask you to be his-“

“No. I wouldn’t know what he asked me because I couldn’t stop thinking about our stupid fight.” You yelled. Peter was relieved you were talking to him, even if you were yelling. He feared you’d never speak to him again after what he said to you, so he saw this as a good sign.

“I didn’t know I meant that much to you.” Peter laughed weakly, trying to joke to lighten the mood.

“You don’t. God, I can’t stand you.” You ran your fingers through your hair and gave them a stressful tug. “Do you ever go home?”

“This is my home.” Peter said quietly, deciding to let you get your anger out.

“No it’s not!” You screamed. “Nobody wants you here!”

“Hey!” Tony bellowed as he entered the room, making you and Peter jump. “I want him here.”

“Daddy-“ You began to explain yourself but Tony cut you off.

“What has gotten into you, Y/n?” Tony asked with disappointment. “I asked you to do one thing, just give Peter a chance. Is it so hard to be nice to him?”

“But he said-“

“I don’t care what he said.” He interrupted. “You need to apologize.”

“Apologize? You’re not even gonna hear my side?” You felt tears of frustration come to your eyes again as your dad chose Peter over you.

“I don’t need to.” Tony shrugged, making your heart sink. Peter saw how sad that comment made you and felt all his guilt rush back in.

“You don’t need to?” You repeated sadly before your eyes hardened in realization. “Because you’re on Peters side. You’re always on Peters side.”

“Mr. Stark, she really doesn’t need to apologize. It’s okay.” Peter cut in, not wanting to make you hate him more than you already did.

“It’s not okay. We’re a family and she needs to start acting like it.” Tony said sternly.

“He is not my family.” You said through gritted teeth.

“Yes he is. I even bought him luggage to match ours.” Tony, never one to be serious for too long, smiled at the two of you as he clasped his hands together. He scurried to the hall closet and took out two matching suitcases, one for him and one for Peter.

“You what?” You whispered as a tear fell down your cheek, one only Peter could see.

“What, you don’t like it?” Tony saw your sadness as disdain for the suitcase. “It’s gucci.”

“You already have a suitcase.” You said weakly. Something about the suitcases was really getting to you, but Peter didn’t understand why. He studied your slumped shoulders and solemn expression, looking like you accepted defeat.

“That old thing? I threw that out. The zippers fell off three years ago and the side was completely ripped. And look, this one has a tiger on it.” Tony smirked proudly as he showed you the tiger decal on the side.

“You threw it out?” You whispered like you couldn’t believe it.

“That company went out of business and I wanted Peter-“

“Right.” You cut him off and nodded glumly. “You wanted Peter.”

“Don’t try to change the subject.” Tony pointed a finger at you. “I want you to apologize to Peter for yelling at him.

“Mr. Stark.” Peter tried to cut in, but Tony didn’t allow it.

“No. I want to hear it.” Tony persisted. “I spent too much of my life acting like an assface and yelling at people who didn’t deserve it. I don’t want my daughter to be the same way. Apologize. Come on, let’s hear it.”

You blinked a few times as tears rolled down your face, ruining the makeup Peter had admired earlier in the night. Your sad eyes met his sympathetic ones as you swallowed thickly.

“I’m sorry, Parker.” You croaked. “I’m so, so sorry.”

“Thank you.” Tony smiled, pleased now with what he heard. “Now how was your date?”

“It was fine.” You lied as you wiped your face. “I’m really tired, I’m gonna go to bed.”

“Alright.” Tony nodded. “Goodnight, Princess.”

“Night dad.” You muttered before leaving the room. Tony looked at Peter curiously, both noticing the indifference in your tone.

“Did she just call me ‘dad’”? Tony laughed shortly but his eyes remained questionable. “She’s hasn’t called me ‘dad’ a day in her life.”

“I think you should take her on the next mission, Mr. Stark. I think she’d really appreciate that.” Peter spoke softly, not wanting to overstep.

“What do you mean? She comes with us all the time.” Tony cocked his head.

“Actually, sir, it’s been a while. Over a month I think.” Peter pretended not to know exactly how long it had been since you’d gone on a mission.

“Hm.” Tony thought about it and realized Peter was right. “Thanks for the info, Pete. I’ll take her next time.”

“Alright. Night, Mr. Stark.” Peter gathered his laptop as made his way towards the door.

“Night, kid.” Tony nodded, still deep in thought as he put the pieces together as to why exactly you had a problem with Peter.

~

You took a long, hot shower, letting the night wash away and down the drain. A residual frown remained on your face as you towel dried your hair, feeling the tears come back when you caught sight of the framed photo of you and the Avengers from your first mission. You collapsed on your bed and let your emotions pour out, crying silently into your hand so you wouldn’t wake anyone. Unbeknownst to you, Peter heard every sharp breath and muffled sob. He listened to it for a few minutes, feeling his guilt chew away at his insides before he got off his bed and went to his room. He knocked on your door and walked in before you could respond, making you jump to wipe your face. You sat up and sniffled a few times, deciding there was no use in trying to hide the fact that you were crying.

Without saying anything, Peter took a box of tissues out from behind his back and dropped them on your bed. You stared at the box, your eyes slowly traveling up to Peter in disbelief of his kind act. You reached for the box and clutched it to your chest, giving him a slight nod to thank him. He turned to leave as quickly as he came, but you spoke up.

“Peter?” You spoke quietly, making him smile before he turned around to face you.

“Yes?” He asked in a gentle tone. You blinked a few times and clutched the box tighter, hesitant to ask anything from him after your fight. The way his eyes held no hostility towards you made you feel like you could ask him anything in that moment. 

“Would you stay with me?”

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[angstysebfan]

Hi, can i request a Sebastian x reader fic where reader has a kid (like 2 or 3) and Seb & reader start dating and they're together for a couple years. Then for whatever reason, they break up but her kid (whos a little older now & obviously got attached to him) is always asking for Seb. And maybe they bump into Sebastian somewhere and you can choose where to go from there?

So sorry for taking so long with this! Hope you like it!

--

Daddy of Mine

You are walking with your 5 year old son, Nathan toward the park. It was the first warmish day of the year, and you promised to take him to play. You have been avoiding this area of the city for awhile because of your ex Sebastian. You haven’t seen him in 6 months, and the pain of that break up is still fresh in your mind and heart, thanks to your son who fell in love with him.

You met Sebastian a little more than 3 years ago. You were shopping for your weekly groceries, exhausted. Ever since your boyfriend, Nathan’s father, walked out on you and your baby boy, you had to do everything yourself. You were thankful for friends to babysit him while you did errands. You loved your son more than anything, but 2 year olds were exhausting.

You pushed your cart into another aisle and suddenly smashed into another cart. You cover your face with your hands in embarrassment, as you kept saying, “I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry.” You hear a chuckle and look to see beautiful blue eyes staring at you. You blush even more in embarrassment. You both chatted for a bit, exchanged numbers, and finally went on a date.

It took a few weeks before you told Sebastian about your son. He was awesome about it, and was even more amazing when he met him. You knew then that he was keeper. You both had an amazing relationship, and Seb and Nate were quite the pair. Nate never cared about his real father, because Seb was the perfect father figure for him. 

Everything went to hell about 7 months ago when Seb, again, had to cancel plans with you and Nate because of work. You understood, and Nate tried, but Sebastian felt guilty. He didn’t want to disappoint you both, and it had been happening a lot. He came home from filming, sat you down, and broke your heart into a million pieces. He felt that ending it now would save you, but it did the opposite.

While you were trying to deal with him leaving you, Nate was having a harder time. He cried for Sebastian constantly, wanting to know where he went and why he wasn’t around anymore. I mean Seb was there for most of his life, and now he was just gone. Over the last 6 months, Nate has not asked for Seb as much, but he still asks where he is and if he could call him. Something that still killed you.

You held Nate’s hand as you walked down the city street toward the park, silently praying that the man you are currently thinking about doesn’t make an appearance. But like saying Beetleguise 3 times, you see through the crowd, Sebastian standing on the other side of the intersection.

You can tell he doesn’t notice you at first, and you pray Nate is not paying attention so you can cross the other street and avoid him, but you lock eyes with him. Blue eyes staring into Y/E/C, holding you to your spot. When the crowd starts moving you cautiously step toward Seb, hoping he will just walk the other way and ignore you. Of course luck is not on your side as you see him wait for you on the other side. Nate suddenly sees him and pulls you.

“Sebastian! Mom it’s Sebastian!” he screams, pulling you. Once you get on the sidewalk, you let go and watch your son run toward Seb, who squatted down and scooped him up into a hug. You can’t help the tears that come to your eyes as you see how happy both boys are. You stand back to let them have their moment. You see Seb saying something to Nate, who nods while still holding Seb tightly.

After a few moments, Seb turns his eyes to you and walks over, still holding your son. Nate refuses to lighten his hold on Seb, which breaks your heart. Seb keeps holding him and rubbing his back, “Hey Y/N,” he says to you.

“Sebastian,” you respond, trying to stay calm.

He gives you a small smile, “How have you guys been?” he asks as he continues to rub your sons back.

“Oh ya know, same stuff, different day. Though Nate has obviously missed you,” you say, trying to sound indifferent.

Seb laughs and kisses Nate’s head, who finally lifts off his shoulder. Seb looks at him, “You missed me pal?” Seb asked him.

Nate nodded his head quickly, “I asked about you everyday! Right mom?” 

You looked at Seb with a mix of sadness and anger, “Yes you did,” you said  and cleared your throat. You looked at your son, “Come on Nate. We have to go,” you say.

Nate whines, “Can’t Seb come with us? I want to hang out with him,” he says.

“I’m sure Sebastian has more important things to do and people to see than hang with us,” you say reaching for your son, who wraps his arms tighter around Seb.

You sigh as Seb chuckles, “I’m free. I would love to hang with my little guy,” Seb says petting the back of Nate’s head. 

You look at Seb now with full blow anger, “He isn’t yours. Now please just put him down so we can leave,” you snap.

Seb looks at you for a moment before kissing Nate’s head again and squatting down to put Nate on the ground. He pulls your son back and looks at him, “I’m sorry bud. This is my fault. But you listen to your mom and be a good boy ok? I promise I will fix this and see you soon,” he says before standing up.

“Do you think we could talk?” he asks you. 

You rub your forehead to hide the tears starting to come, “I don’t know. I--” you suddenly feel your throat close as you choke on a sob. 

Seb steps forward and wraps his arms around you, whispering in your ear, “I’m so sorry I hurt you baby. I’ve missed you so much. Both of you. I’m so sorry,” he says.

Along with Sebastian you feel your son hugging you both. You are sure people are staring at you, but you don’t care. You finally are back in his arms with your son. You finally feel whole again. Your family. You pull away from Seb and see the regret and sadness written on his face. He wipes the tears away from your cheeks and presses a kiss to your forehead. While you are still angry, you love him. You miss him, and most of all, your son misses him.

“Uh,” you sniff, “We were heading toward the park, if you would like to come,” you say to Sebastian.

He smiles and tucks a stray of hair behind your ear before picking Nate back up, “Let’s go,” he says grabbing your hand.

You walk toward the park as Nate giggles, “I finally got my daddy back!” he says.

Seb snaps his eyes to you. “He kept asking where his dad was. I thought he meant you-know-who, but it’s you. He considers you his dad,” you say.

Seb stops and puts Nate down, but holds onto him. You see tears in his eyes, “I would love nothing more than to be your dad Nate. If your mom will let me,” he says.

Nate looks at you hopefully. You smile at your son, “Of course. It’s Nate’s choice, not mine,” you say.

Nate cheered as Seb picks him up in a crushing hug before grabbing your hand and walking toward the park again. While you don’t know what the future holds for you and Sebastian, and as much as it would hurt if you both don’t get back together, you know that you will never keep Nate away from Sebastian. 

You will never keep him away from his Dad.

--

Hope the wait was worth it! I honestly think the reader and Seb will get back together, but I like to leave it open ended... Feedback is appreciated!

Permanent Taglist:  @hailmary-yramliah @tuiccim @comedictragedy @cap-n-stuff @thefridgeismybestie @aleaisntcreative @lookiamtrying @pinknerdpanda @morganclaire4 @iamvalentinaconstanza @verygraphicink @im-squished @joannie95 @peace-love-hobbitness @connie326 @arundhati1609 @amandamdiehl​ @harrysthiccthighss​ @its-izzys​ @roserose26​ @rebekahdawkins @elegantobservationstudentsblog @broco8​ @bestofbucky @white-wolf1940 @loser-alert @jassy2101

[megalony]

Teacher’s Pet- Part 9

Here is the new part for my dad! Ben Hardy series which I hope everyone is enjoying, the feedback for this series has been lovely thank you all for the comments.

Taglist: @lunaticspoem @butlegendsneverdie @langdonzvoid @jennyggggrrr @rogermeddow @radiob-l-a-hblah @rogertaylorsbitontheside @chlobo6 @rogertaylors-lipgloss @sj-thefan @omgitsearly @luckytrashgooprebel @scarsout @deaky-with-a-c @killer-queen-ofrhye @bluutac @vousmemanqueez @jonesyaddiction @rogahs-drowse @milanosaurus @httpfandxms @saint-hardy @7-seas-of-fat-bottomed-girls @mrsalwayswritex @rogerina-owns-me @peterquillzsblog​ @im-an-adult-ish @crazylittlethingg @allauraleigh

Series taglist: @im-an-adult-ish @gwilymleeisbae​ @k-k0129​

Series masterlist

Summary: Gwilym sets Ben up on a date with (Y/n) who teaches at the school Ben’s kids go to. But Ben is hesitant in the relationship, desperate not to make the same mistakes and needing to put his kids first.

Enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"What, so you just leave him awake?" (Y/n) leaned her head to the side as she looked over at Ben in curiosity and slight confusion.

"It's... he's not a baby anymore. When he was a baby or a toddler I could lay him on my chest and I'd fall asleep and eventually he would too, he was always with me when he was a kid. Now he's older I can't lay with him because I fall asleep and he either draws on me, he'll sit up and watch tv whilst I sleep or he tries to play games or read. If I leave him he lays awake and lulls himself to sleep."

When Carter was born he would lay on Ben's chest and fall asleep and when he was a toddler Ben hated leaving him to sleep at night on his own. So he would either lay him in bed with him or sit Carter on his chest and put him to bed when he eventually fell asleep.

Now Ben couldn't do that every night and he had Finn who he had to calm down and put to sleep and keep getting up to see. Carter had to learn to try and get himself to sleep because he was getting older now.

"What if he doesn't sleep or he gets up and watches tv in his room?"

"I've programmed his tv to lock him out when it gets past ten o'clock so he can't watch or play anything and if he goes downstairs I usually wake up and hear him. I'm a light sleeper with them three in the house. He'll lay in bed and try and sleep and if he can't, normally he will just lay and rest and think or maybe read a book which I don't mind as much."

Ben knew Carter couldn't help what time he went to sleep, it only bothered Ben if Carter tried to stay awake and watch movies or play games or keep his mind active. But if he just laid down and chilled or tried to relax and calm down then Ben was happy. If it was a particularly bad night Ben didn't mind him reading because Carter got headaches easily from reading and he couldn't read for over an hour which was a godsend at night.

"What about James and Finn then?" (Y/n) leaned her head on Ben's shoulder as she pulled the cover a little higher over them both. All the boys were now in bed and she and Ben were in his bed watching a random movie on tv. It was ten o'clock now but since it was Sunday tomorrow they could all have a lie in. The weekends were good because when Carter eventually fell asleep Ben would leave him in bed until he either woke up or Ben woke him up late morning.

One time Carter didn't go to sleep until five in the morning so Ben left him in bed until dinner time because he needed the sleep.

"James is fine, he'll sleep through the night no problems. With Finn it's up and down, if he's been anxious all day he'll wake up during the night so I either stay awake or set an alarm to check on him during the night. If he's not been too bad during the day he might have a good night. If he wakes up crying I'll go to him but if he panics he'll come in here, I told him it's fine to come in even if you're here and asleep."

Ben had a rough time sleeping because of the boys.

He was a light sleeper ever since Carter was a baby but it was worse now, even the slightest noise woke him up during the night. Ben woke up to check on Carter at around one in the morning, then he checked on Finn, sometimes he set an alarm to check on them both at three in the morning then he was normally up by six. If Carter was up and messing about Ben woke up and stayed awake with him and if Finn woke up screaming or crying Ben settled him back down to sleep and usually kept Finn in his room with him to make the youngest boy feel safe.

Ben only got a proper night's sleep when the boys were at his parent's house or if it was just him and James at home, but he didn't mind as long as they all got some sleep.

The tv started to blur into the background and Ben was close to turning the tv off but he felt (Y/n) jump beside him when the bedroom door burst open. Ben was used to all the boys running in and out whenever they liked, it made him want to get a lock on the bedroom door but Carter would break it and Finn would sit and have a panic attack.

A sigh passed through Ben's lips and he looked at the door to see Carter all but run into the room and bound over to Ben's side of the bed.

"Can I watch tv with you please? Dad I'm not tired, can I, you said we can have a lie in tomorrow."

(Y/n) noticed the way Carter glanced over at her a few times but he didn't glare or smile, he looked indifferent like she was either not there at all or didn't make a difference and she didn't know how to feel about that. She also noticed the way he was trying not to rush through his words and that suggested he was rather hyper at the moment.

"It's past ten, you need to go to bed."

"I'm not tired, daddy please-"

"You're never tired and you're not staying in here buddy, you need to go and calm down and try to sleep. I'll come sit with you for a bit if you want." Ben sighed as he glanced between (Y/n) and Carter for a few seconds. Carter was hyper and he was either going to try and sneak downstairs to watch tv, try and play games or just sit and be very hyper for the night. Ben was going to have to try and calm him down before he let Carter try and get to sleep on his own.

"Why don't I come and sit with you?" (Y/n) looked at Ben for approval before she looked back at Carter whose eyes narrowed before widening but his expression didn't really change. He looked indifferent yet uncertain, he didn't know how to interpret this or how to act so he was trying to be neutral.

(Y/n) was going on instinct on how to act around Carter, Ben raised him and had learned Carter's ways and his expressions and tones of voice, (Y/n) was trying to navigate through them. She thought sitting with him might help to get him used to her being around and able to talk to her and it would help her to try and bond with him if he allowed her to sit with him.

"Buddy, is that okay?"

Carter nodded and they could both hear his foot tapping against the floor impatiently before Ben motioned for him to go and (Y/n) would follow but before (Y/n) got up Ben gently took her hand.

"Talking to Jamie's unsettled him, that's why he's hyper. He thinks it's good that she called and she's gonna keep calling but she won't and deep down he knows that. He's hyper because he isn't comfortable about this and that means he might be rude or snap at you because that's how he thinks he has to react. Don't take anything he says to heart."

Ben didn't want (Y/n) to go and sit with Carter and then feel upset or uncomfortable if he became rude or unsettled and snapped at her or even if he said something he knew would rile (Y/n) up. Carter became very hyperactive and very uneasy when Jamie called because it disturbed his routine and his mood. He thinks he has to be rude and be hurtful when he feels unsettled because that's how he feels he should act but he didn't mean it and (Y/n) had to know that before she went and talked to him.

"Okay." (Y/n) smiled warmly and leaned over to kiss him before she got up and went into Carter's room.

Because Carter was awake most of the night almost every night, he couldn't share a room with James or Finn and when Carter got angry he definitely couldn't be in a room with them in case he snapped and lashed out at his brothers. Having James in the room made Finn feel calmer especially at night if he had a nightmare and James was always in a deep sleep so when Finn woke up crying or upset or just from a nightmare, James didn't get woken up.

Ben could feel his eyes growing heavy but the longer he felt like he was about to give in to sleep, the more he realised that (Y/n) had been quite a while sitting with Carter and Ben didn't know how to take that. Either they were engaged in conversation which could be both good or bad, or Carter was very hyper and (Y/n) didn't want to leave him or didn't know what to do.

With a sigh, Ben pushed himself up and out of bed and slowly made his way out of the room and across to Carter's room. He didn't want to barge in if everything was going okay because he really didn't want to check up on them both but he couldn't help it. Since the door was open a little, Ben pushed it a tiny bit more and leaned his head around the door to peek into the room.

Carter's room was the box room since he couldn't share with either of his brothers. His bed was on the right hand side of the room with the window opposite the door and a tv behind the door at the end of the bed. Carter had a lot of video games in his room because he didn't like playing his games with anyone but Ben, not even with his brothers. And he had a few sensory toys for when he was upset or had a tantrum or needed something to do to entertain himself. It surprised Ben that Carter didn't mind having the smallest room but the compact space didn't bother him, it seemed to suit him rather well.

He felt safer rather than boxed in.

Ben felt a shock wave of surprise ebbing through him when he looked at (Y/n) and Carter. He assumed they would both be sitting up on the bed chatting or reading a book or maybe even having an argument or (Y/n) trying to calm Carter down from a hyper state. But instead of anything like that, what Ben saw was (Y/n) laid under the covers with Carter huddled under her arm curled into her side. (Y/n) was very slowly and methodically carding her fingers through Carter's hair like she was soothing him to sleep.

Carter's eyes were half-lidded and he looked the calmest Ben had seen him today and seemed to be on the verge of sleep already but he was trying to make the effort of keeping the very quiet conversation going.

(Y/n) stopped talking for a moment when her eyes locked with Ben when she noticed him hovering in the doorway, not wanting to intrude but unable to draw his eyes away from the scene in front of him.

She thought it would have been hard to get Carter to talk to her but he was very talkable and he wasn't trying to be rude or annoying or make (Y/n) feel uncomfortable. He genuinely just wanted to talk and when he asked (Y/n) to lay with him she couldn't refuse. Carter quickly burrowed himself under her arm like he was taking refuge and cuddled into her side, he wanted nothing more than closeness and to be comfortable and talk to (Y/n) and she found it endearing yet rather heartbreaking.

Carter wanted another figure in his life, he wanted a motherly figure because he couldn't have his own mother and he was seeking that from (Y/n) because she was the closest thing he had to a mother right now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Y/n) felt like a knife had gone straight through her heart that was doing somersaults in her chest when a scream hit her ears and tore her from her sleep. She shot up beside Ben who was already sitting up and ready to throw the cover off his frame and run out the room. They both locked eyes for a moment before another sound that resembled a growl and a cry hit their ears and (Y/n) realised Ben was confused.

"That's Carter..."

(Y/n) didn't know how to respond to that but she could see that this wasn't normal. Ben always woke up to Finn crying out for him or running into the room unable to breathe or Finn even screamed in his sleep, but it was very rare that Carter was the one screaming and crying or having a nightmare because he hardly slept. Even (Y/n) had been expecting to wake up to Finn being the one in distress needing to be calmed down during the night. She didn't think or even consider James or Carter having a nightmare.

"Does this normally happen?" (Y/n) got out of bed when Ben jumped to his feet the moment Carter let out another cry that seemed to shake the walls of the house.

"That depends if he's been asleep. He's either having a meltdown or he's having a nightmare and either way this is Jamie's fucking fault. When she left he always had nightmares and she's unsettled him now."

Carter suffered from nightmares since he was little after Jamie left because he had to adjust to living Ben and James and James' mum. Then it was just him Ben and James and that uneased him more because both mother figures had left his life. Then when Lucy came and left and Finn came into the picture he was even more unsettled because he didn't have Ben's undivided attention. Carter needed stability and Jamie was the opposite of that, she unsettled him and made him feel uncomfortable and upset and that unbalanced his world.

Ben hurried into Carter's room as he prayed that he could calm down his eldest before Finn heard and started to panic but when he went in he was scared at what he was faced with. The ten year old was curled up in the middle of the bed with the cover pulled very tight over his whole body making him a covered up ball in the bed. If the cover was thrown on the floor or strewn about the bed then Ben would know Carter was having a nightmare but the way he was hiding himself showed he was having a meltdown.

When a violent scream tore from Carter's lips and he seemed to curl in on himself more, Ben hurriedly moved over and sat down on the bed near to the pillow. He wanted to reach out and pull Carter into an embrace but he knew from experience that trying to hug him when he was like this might make him worse.

"Baby... baby you know you can't lay like this." Ben slowly peeled back the cover from Carter's head so he wasn't at risk of smothering himself but the moment Ben uncovered Carter's head he lashed out and smashed his hand into the wall with a cry. "Okay come on." Ben kept the cover wrapped tightly around Carter's arms and hands like mittens before he gently pulled Carter into his chest.

He kissed Carter's head before wrapping an arm around him when he tried to lash out and started to get frustrated when the cover prevented him from moving. His legs kicked out and his arms started to thrash and Ben could see his hands fisting in the cover he wanted to rip off his body but he couldn't and it only made him scream louder.

"Does mum want me?" Carter's words were quiet and broken and he even dared to open his eyes to look up at Ben but the look he got back was an answer enough.

"Baby... she misses you and I know she loves you, but she doesn't want to be in your life right now. I'm sorry." Ben couldn't say it. He couldn't force himself to say that Jamie didn't want Carter even though that was true, she may miss him and she may love him but she didn't love or miss him enough and she didn't want to care for him or be in his life because she couldn't cope with him. That was her fault and her loss and it made Ben dismiss her as a mother, she didn't deserve to be called a mother if she wasn't willing to look after her own son.

The scream Carter let out was almost unbearable for (Y/n) who was hovering in the doorway so she couldn't even begin to wonder how that felt for Ben to hear. No child should have to deal with the fact that one parent didn't want them, especially not a child who needed stability and extra care and more understanding like Carter. But the extra care and attention he needed was exactly why he didn't have Jamie around anymore.

"Shh, shh you're okay, you have me and you have James and Finn and nan and grandad and you've got uncle Gwil and (Y/n). So many people love you, it's okay that your mum isn't around because you don't need her baby."

Carter let out a very loud wail when Ben slipped his hands under Carter's arms so he could pick him up and sit him on his lap with the cover still cocooned around him to make sure he didn't hurt himself or Ben. But despite the cries and screams continuously leaving Carter's lips, Ben and (Y/n) both noticed he was looking over at (Y/n) a lot.

"Do you want me?"

(Y/n)'s eyes widened in their sockets and she felt her lungs shrivelling up in her chest until she couldn't breathe. Her vision blurred from the tears welling up in her eyes but that didn't distort the image of Carter staring back at her. His eyes were red and puffy, they were streaming with tears that fell down his bright red cheeks and his nose was running. He looked very angry yet scared and vulnerable but the way he looked at her made (Y/n) speechless.

He wasn't looking indifferent like he did earlier, he wasn't angry with her or at her, he wasn't snarling or about to scream at her. For the first time, he looked desperate. He looked desperate for her love and attention and if she said no to his question he might just explode.

Carter stopped screaming, he stopped letting out heart-wrenching sobs and he wasn't thrashing around to try and hurt himself or lash out. He was breathing heavily through his runny nose and his eyes were intent on (Y/n) as he tensed, waiting very impatiently for her answer. Ben had never seen his son so intent on an answer like this, nor had he sat so still and waited like this rather than scream for her to speak. Carter really wanted (Y/n) to love and want him.

(Y/n) took a few cautious steps over until she could sit down in front of Carter on the bed and she watched the way he stopped breathing when she gently brushed a few tears from his cheek.

"Yes I do honey, I don't know your mum or why she doesn't want to be involved in your life but I do."

(Y/n) almost jumped when Carter wriggled in Ben's arms but instead of crying he let out a whine until Ben carefully let go of him and le Carter wriggle out of the cover. He scrambled over until he could clamber onto (Y/n)'s lap, he locked his arms around (Y/n)'s neck to the point it hurt but she stayed silent, not wanting to upset him. She wrapped her arm around his back and tangled her other hand in his hair to try and calm him down and make sure he was okay.

"Y-you can be my mum, c-can't you? I want a mum." Carter mumbled the words into (Y/n)'s neck and she could feel his harsh breaths despite the fact he was trying his best to calm down.

(Y/n) looked over at Ben for confirmation, she didn't want to say yes and have Ben be upset or uneasy about it but she didn't want to say no and have Carter become unsettled again. If he wanted to think of her as his mum surely that wasn't a bad thing because (Y/n) was in a relationship with Ben and Carter needed the stability and it meant he was fine with their relationship and with (Y/n). It also wasn't so bad because it wasn't like it would be with Finn, Carter knew (Y/n) wasn't actually his mum but he wanted her to be anyway. With Finn if he started calling (Y/n) his mum in a few years he could actually believe it because he was so young and impressionable.

There were tears in Ben's eyes and he was biting his lip hard to stop himself from getting overwhelmed just like Carter. Ben knew with James' mum she didn't want to be seen as a mum to Carter and that hurt but Ben had to understand that Carter was hard to deal with and he couldn't expect her to take Carter on as her own. With Finn's mum she tried with both boys but Ben was overwhelmingly happy she didn't connect with them in case she had ended up hurting them too.

He never thought he would be with someone who would be willing and who would actually connect with all three of his boys. But she was already joined at the hip with James, Finn was growing closer to her every day and a lot quicker than he got closer to other people. And Carter was the hardest to get to know and feel easy around but here (Y/n) was, connecting with Carter so good that he was desperate to feel like she was his mother.

When Ben managed to nod at (Y/n) to say whatever she felt was right, (Y/n) could feel her own eyes glossing with tears.

"I'd love to be your mum."

[ugly-crying-over-bucky-barnes]

Field of Poppies Part 17

Summary: After being apart for six years, childhood friends Tommy and Amelia reunite under odd circumstances. Tommy is an outspoken young man and Amelia is pregnant and out on the streets. The bond of family can be unbreakable but it is tested often. Especially when Europe descends into war.

Part 17: Amelia turns to faith for help, Danny Owens gets his nickname in the trenches

            Max found Polly in the betting shop one morning. “Auntie Pol, mummy’s gotten sick again.”

            “It’s okay, love. It’s natural.” Polly assured the little boy. “Come sit with me, I’m sure she’ll be down in a moment.”

            “’Cause of the baby?” He asked, climbing up onto Polly’s lap as she worked in her office.

            “Yes, darling. But she’ll be alright.”

            They had told Max about the baby a little while after they got Tommy’s letter back. Though it was bittersweet, Tommy remarked that he was happy and hoped that he would be home soon. Though he didn’t give false hope about being there in time for the birth. At that point in Amelia’s pregnancy, everyone had given up hope on that happening. Especially as more news about the war hit the homefront. And more men were starting to come back.

            It was horrifying. Men burned, deformed, missing limbs. Their stories started to circulate around Birmingham, the things they’d seen. The things they’d done, what others had done. The horrors they’d witnessed. Knowing the Shelby boys were in the middle of all of that, made Amelia sick to her stomach. She began to go to church with Polly every week. But it never seemed to be enough, so she started to go multiple times a week, sometimes every morning. Even when there was no service, she would go and sit in the empty church and pray.

            She was never particularly religious. Her parents seemed indifferent to the church, as they were more focused on succeeding in life. They never saw prayer or submission to God as a way to move up in the world.

            Amelia felt almost guilty that she was trying to use religion. Trying to comfort herself with prayers to a God she never really believed in. But at that point, she felt so helpless that she needed to do something.

            The priest of the church began to recognize her as she went to church more often. He offered to sit with her for company.

            At first, Amelia just agreed to let him sit with her. Then, she began to tell him about her fears and her doubts.

            Telling a man of the cloth about her lack of faith was a bit funny to her. But Father Carr didn’t seem to mind.   

            “Sometimes I think that it’s all just a cruel joke,” Amelia admitted one day. Max was with Martha and the betting shop was quiet, so she took the free time to visit the church. “To take Tommy away from me while I’m pregnant.”

            “Some things are hard to explain. We ask why God would allow for war to happen. We ask why he allows hardship in our lives. It is beyond our knowledge. Sometimes, religion doesn’t have all the answers like some people think.”

            Amelia looked up at the stained-glass windows that allowed some of the dim light to come in. The particles of light mixed with the hazy smoke from the candles lit at the altar. “I just want him to come home to me.”

~~~~~~~~~~ 

            Danny Owens was the first in the Small Heath group to get seriously injured. While out of the tunnels, in one of the trenches, he was hit by a piece of an artillery shell.

            “For fuck’s sake, if you’re gonna get injured, don’t get hit in the neck,” Arthur said as he held a shirt to Danny’s wound right at the base of his neck.

            “It just grazed me,” Danny replied, trying his best to stay calm and breathe.

            “It’ll be okay.” John kept him propped up so he wouldn’t bleed to death.

            They all learned early on that no one liked tunnelers. They were seen as a danger if they were nearby. So, no one liked to see them in the trenches. That meant they had to take care of themselves and each other.

            “Hold ‘im still,” Jeremiah commanded as he examined the wound, dowsing it in alcohol.

            Danny let out a scream through his gritted teeth as he fought John and Arthur’s hold.

            “No more getting hit with whizz-bangs, Danny,” Tommy commanded, holding Danny’s feet down so he didn’t kick anyone.

            “Yeah, or else we’ll start calling ya that.” John grinned.

            The men chuckled, even getting a bit of a smile from Danny. “Alright.”  

~~~~~~~~~~ 

            It became clear after the first trimester, that this pregnancy would not be as easy as Max’s had been. Amelia began to have spells of dizziness and nausea that could last for days. Polly said it was because of stress, so she tried her best to keep the woman calm and at ease. But there was nothing she could do about the boys still being over in France.

            Everyone was frightened, even Amelia although she wouldn’t admit it. She felt afraid that she was failing her second child before they were even born.

            Max was starting to pick up on the anxiety around his mother and became very clingy to her. He would wail and cry if she was even in the next room. She couldn’t leave him for more than half an hour before he would panic. He began to sleep in her bed, terrified she would disappear in the middle of the night.

            “He doesn’t want you to go anywhere.” Polly surmised one afternoon when Amelia could finally get the young boy to go down for a nap. “He remembers Tommy leaving so he doesn’t want you to leave either.”

            Amelia felt so helpless. She couldn’t even comfort her own child because the world was in such chaos.

            Polly had to stop her from reading the news or listening to the radio. She wrote to Tommy telling him to keep his letters to his wife light. She said Amelia couldn’t handle any bad news.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~

            On Max’s sixth birthday, Amelia tried her best to keep everything together. She threw together a party. Polly closed the shop for the day and all their friends and family gathered. Well, the friends and family that were still there and not serving overseas.

            Amelia bought toys for Max, some she signed ‘daddy’, just so her son felt like Tommy was near. He had already sent a letter wishing his son a happy birthday and wishing he could be there to celebrate. Max seemed sad his father couldn’t come to attend the party, but it wasn’t any different to any ordinary day. It had been over a year since the Shelby boys had left. Next March would mark two years.

            On the morning of the party, Amelia found Max looking at a picture of Tommy in his uniform.

            “You alright, love?” She asked softly. “Are you excited for your birthday?”

            “Yeah.” He replied quietly, his mind off wandering.

            “What are you doing with daddy’s picture?” She wondered.

            “Dunno. Just looking.” He shrugged, not looking away. “Don’t wanna forget what he looks like.”

            Amelia couldn’t shake that feeling of heartache the rest of the day. Even during the festivities and among familiar faces. She felt utterly alone.

            After Max had opened all his gifts, everyone was sitting in the parlor enjoying each other’s company. Amelia felt distant, standing near the couch, half-listening to the conversations around her.

            Then, she picked up on a conversation Charlie was having with one of the Strong men who had come to celebrate with them.

            “Yeah, right on Farringdon. Those fuckers.” Charlie muttered. “Twenty-two people dead. Only a matter of time they set their sights on Birmingham.”

            “For fuck’s sake.” The other man shook his head. “Thought this was a war among countries, not a war on the innocents. They wanna bomb each other, go ahead, but they can’t be fucking bombing regular people like us.”

            Without having much access to the news under Polly’s advice, Amelia hadn’t heard of the bombings or attempted bombings on British soil. Suddenly, shock and panic overtook her entire body. It felt like her heart stopped completely and her vision went black.

            Luckily, Charlie was able to catch the pregnant woman before she hit her head on the coffee table. The party ceased the fun and immediately rushed to Amelia’s aid. Polly shoved to the front and checked on her.

            “Call a doctor!” She shouted when she saw Amelia’s pale face.

            Max began to cry for his mum as Ada comforted her nephew best she could.

            Permanent Tag: @papa-geralt-of-cirilla @biba3434 @kimmietea @karmezii @enrapturedbythemoon @vampgirl1997 @tarafaithe @evelynshelby

Tag list: @shelbyblinded

Masterpost

PB Masterlist

[rthoney]

Here is an ask... put your favorite line(s) from each song in Hamilton

alexander hamilton- My name is Alexander Hamilton and there's a million things I haven't done but just you wait just you wait

arron burr sir- oui oui mon ami je m'appelle Lafayette

my shot - ( i may have sung all of this trying to pick a line) Don't be shocked when your history book mentions me

the story of tonight- raise a glass to freedom something they can never take away

the schuler sister- (i also sang all of this) ( im sorry but i could pick one line so..)Excuse me, miss, I know it's not funny But your perfume smells like your daddy's got money. Why you slummin' in the city in your fancy heels You searchin for an urchin who can give you ideals? Burr, you disgust me. Ah, so you've discussed me. I'm a trust fund, baby, you can trust me!

farmer refuted- My dog speaks more eloquently than thee

youll be back- I WILL KILL YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY

right hand man- Here comes the general  The moment you've been waiting forHere comes the general the pride of Mount VernonHere comes the general George Washington

winters ball- laDieS

helpless-My life is gon' be fine cuz Eliza's in it I look into your eyes, and the sky's the limit I'm (Helpless!) also as long as im alive eliza swear to god youll never feel so

satisfied- ALL OF IT

story of tonight reprise- well i hurrd you gotta special someone on the side burrr whatcha tryin hide burrrrrr

wait for it-  Life doesn't discriminate Between the sinners and the saints It takes and it takes and it takes.

stay alive- hit em quick get out fast CHICKAPLOW

ten duel commandments- Leave a note for your next of kin Tell 'em where you been Pray that hell or heaven lets you in

meet me inside- CaLl mE sOn OnE mOrE TiMe

that would be enough- If you could let me inside your heart Oh, let me be a part of the narrative In the story they will write someday Let this moment be the first chapter

guns and ships- ALL OF IT

history has its eyes on you - Let me tell you what I wish I'd known When I was young and dreamed of glory You have no control Who lives, who dies, who tells your story

yorktown- Freedom for America, freedom for France! Down, down, down Gotta start a new nation, gotta meet my son Down, down, down

what comes next- awesome. wow.

dear theodosia- my father wasnt around( my father wasnt around) i swear that ill be around for youuu

laurens interlude- (im including this becuase it should have been in the soundtrack) tomorrow there'll be more of us

non-stop- hamilton wrote THE OTHER FIFTY ONE

what’d i miss- ALL OF IT

cabinet battle one- Hey, turn around, bend over, I'll show you where my shoe fits

take a break- MY NAME IS PHILIP I AM A POET AND I WROTE THIS POEM JUST TO SHOW IT

say no to this- ALL. OF. IT.

the room where it happens- My God In God we trust But we'll never really know what got discussed Click-boom then it happened

Schuyler defeated-They don't need to know me they don't like you  excuse me 

cabinet battle 2- before he was your friend he was mine 

washington on your side- i'm in the cabinet, I am complicit And watching and grabbing the power and kiss it If Washington isn't gon' listen to disciplined dissidents This is the difference, this kid is out

one last time- whatever it is jefferson started it 

i know him - they will tear each other into pieces Jesus christ this will be fun

adams administration- sittdown john you fat mother fucker

we know- my wife you decided to whaaaaaaa

hurricane-And when my prayers to God were met with indifference I picked up a pen, I wrote my own deliverance

the reynolds phamplet- well he never gonna be president now

burn- ALL OF IT YESS PIPPA 

blow us all away- then ill see you on the dueling ground- father what is a duel

stay alive reprise- elizas scream

its quiet up town- ALL OF IT I CRY SO FUCKING HARD

the election of 1800- as your vice president- HA

your obedient servant- then stand alexander, wehawken. dawn. guns, drawn. youre on. 

best of wives and best of women. well im going back to sleep- hey, best of wives and best of women  God i cry so much in this 

the world was wide enough- ElizaaA my love take your time, ill see you on the other side   so many tears 

who lives, who dies, who tells your story- ALL OF IT 

that took such a long time. all of hamilton is my favorite tho so...

[foreverbettie]

Because: Meth.

For four years he had been my drug of choice. For two months I hadn’t seen him. I hadn’t heard his voice.

Oh, how I ached for him. Being away from him was no further from wrapping a noose around my own heart but I knew I had to run then. If I hadn’t, he was sure to drop the board from under my feet. My heart was dying everyday, begging him to show me a twinkle of love. Everyday, he denied me. Everyday, I came closer to taking my own life. I had plans in everyway you could think of. I swore to myself I would find a way for my kids to be taken care of. I was sure of it, as long as I didnt have to bear the heartache anymore. My son would live with his father and my daughter would stay with him. He didnt love me. He didnt need me. He didnt want me. I was merely there to care for the children while he fed his addiction. Without me, it was just the two of them and that sounded so much more like the life what he wanted.

I hated the thought of him there. With no one on the outside to talk to. No visitors. No money on his books. No money on his phone. He sat there with bare minimum. The longer he was there, the more my brain twitched and told me to save him. You did this to him, it would say. You left. You put him there. You took away the only things in his life that could truly save him. NO! I would counter back. He did this. He hurt me. He hurt us.  He hurt ALL of us and never did anything to help himself. He did this. I kept pushing that other voice down further into my stomach to dissolve anything that spewed a hint of of second guessing.

He wasn’t free, which in itself is a sad idea. From a birds eye view, to be locked in a cage without means to escape is nearly animalistic. Put into a much closer perspective however, he was more free than he could have ever been on the outside. The devil wasn’t able to walk so closely beside him. There was nearly no whispering left nor taunting of evil in his face. Freedom (as pretty as it sounds) in the hands of a broken spirit, turns privilege into power of self destruction.

Each day that passed I twisted inside knowing that he was the only man I had ever fallen in love with with every single part of my heart. All others failed to come close to anything that gave my heart exactly what it wanted. I thought I loved them but I always questioned. There was always a part of me that was unsure. Not with him. There wasnt a single cell inside of me that ever once denied it. So each day I was frantically sending messages from my head hoping they would travel through some magic beam passed the jail walls like: How long do you think I can keep this up? Why did you make me put this mask on? Why do I have to pretend I’m someone Im not? Why do I have to hide that Im missing you? Please, know that I love you. Please, know that I want you to come home. I hope youre sitting there thinking about me. I hope you’re missing everything you had that you never worked for. You were supposed to be my Knight. She misses you daddy. She doesnt want daddy to be sick anymore. She says ‘Daddy get better. Dont be sick anymore. Come home daddy.’ Choose us this time. Please please please…choose us. And each day I had to frantically remind myself… Because: Meth.

Little boxes of pseudoephedrine, Coleman, instant cold packs, lithium batteries, 2 liter bottles, paper towels, tubing, etc. Yeah I know how to make meth. Never tried it but I know how its done. In the beginning, I was naive. I never knew just how awful it was. I was the dealer’s girl and people assumed that I used too. It just makes sense that way but I was always clean. He jumped at anyone who would offer it to me and did anything possible to encourage me to never do it.

After the years went by though, I was so sick of it. In my head I was screaming vulgarities at the top of my lungs, digging my fingers into people’s shoulders and rattling their heads to the point of concussion. What are you doing? Stop! Please stop! Even if I had, no one would’ve looked up. Not even a blink. Theyd just pass the pipe and light the torch like the words I shouted were nonexistent. I was the television at volume 87 and the remote was stuck on mute. I had seen, touched and smelled more dope in my life then I could bear to stand. I had seen more people tweaking and doing the most selfish, hurtful, obnoxious and annoying things than I ever wanted to see. I didnt want to see ot anymore. Not even for one more day.

In there he was safe and his mind was free. Those were the two things that convinced my heart that he was at least okay. My head though, was still playing tug of war with itself. Until the time finally came when I said, I cant go on like this. I could never love another man.  I need her to see her daddy. I need to see my knight.

That Thursday came in like a flash. You would have thought I was going out on a first date. I wanted to look gorgeous for him. Give him a little reminder of what he’d been missing out on longer than just the couple months hed been away. A reminder of who hed turned away for years. I had to be careful though. Yes, I would look pretty but I had to be careful not to let him sway me into his trap. He could be so manipulative- a good side effect from using.

I stood in the elevator shaking, stomach in knots, trying not to puke all over my dolled up self. I stood there not wanting to love him, thinking about how every time that I had chosen him, he chose the devil. I didnt want it to feel so easy for him, to think I would simply just come back to him. I wanted to stick to my guns, to let him know that I stood firm in my choice to walk away. I told myself lies that I was only visiting him for my daughter’s sake. Maybe if I told it to myself, maybe he would believe it too.

If we could have sat there without speaking, my craving for him still would have been satisfied. I just wanted to look at him, to just stare at him and take in his presence that make me complete. But of course, he spoke.

He smiled at me the most joyful smile that I had ever seen cross his face. As if all the beautiful things inside himself that were lost in his addiction (aside from his plump cheeks) were returned. I cringed inside afraid I was going to break my character. Still, I forced myself to only half smile and try to look as if I felt indifferent to see him. That thick ugly glass between us, thank goodness for it. I would have kissed him and clobbered him right in the jaw at the same time.

There were new lights and doors and levels I was trying to build. New rooms with locks and codes. All of which in one visit, realized they were built with an unsteady frame. I could feel the laborers in my chest hoisting the wrecking ball up with the crane. They were prepared for demolition. Behind them were protesters. They chanted and held signs that read- Because: Lies! Because: Deceit! Because: Meth! The crowd was large and had some unpeaceful participants but the working machines were much louder.

When I reached the door to step outside, I felt the swing of the crane bring rubble to the site. The walls were going to come down and there wasnt a protester in sight that could stop it.

Because: Sobriety.

#meth #addiction #sobriety