#schzo spec

[meowticta]

TW: description of delusions & mention of self harm

sometimes i feel like im such a ''snowflake'' when people make schizoposting jokes, or say ''im gonna have a psychotic break'' as a joke, yeah tell me about it

tell me about it when you can't leave your house because the paranoia and the persecutory delusions are so strong you feel weak just by seeing people outside, just from people looking at you

tell me about it when you can't even think correctly, trying to shape your own thoughts into a puddle of white and black background colors, trying to think anything but whatever would be on your mind, because suddenly, you feel like everyone can listen and read and see your fucking thoughts

it's always a joke for non psychotic people,

it's always the joke were always the joke the scary the danger

when have you guys even come to realize our experiences? how many times i cant fall assleep? how many times have i told myself ''they think ur a freak a weirdo theyre gonna kill you theyre gonna murder, rape, or steal, theyre gonna kidnap you, theyre following'' how many times did i spent all my life in fear because i thought i was in danger in real danger no matter how non sensical it was, how many times did i changed clothes with the computer or my phone below the blanket because they caan see me? because every damn screen can see me, everyone can see me , how many times did i genuinely thought i was dead, that this was nothing but what afterlife is, that nothing i did would matter bc i was dead, how many times did i contemplated cutting myself again just to see if it was a dream? if i was really dead? after almost 2 years clean?

how many times have i told my therapist im afraid theyre watchign me'' how many times have i told her, theyre watching, and theyre gonna get me? how maany times have i ran away from people because i thought they were gonna do something to me? when EVERYTHING is a plan to hurt me, in jmy headd.

keep telling urself making a joke out of us is funny, keep telling yourself that psychosis is a quirky silly thing