#schooling let alone smth like physical labour for several hours starting early in the morning
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augh ):
#so anxious abt 2day...... do not like havign to di tjis community service thing bc its all super taxing n it makes my avpd go crazy to#have slept so poorly so far n woke up an hour n a half before my alarm#i shld still sleep for like 40 min now but im too anxious n stressed out abt it#i dont wanna deal w today i jst want to not go#i hate having to do things i rly cannot handle in any way#i cant afford to get fined for not doing it n my family doesnt care to help w it#hhh ):#jst want to disappear like im jst actively suicidal over tjis its so fun like anything happens n my mental stability is like bye girl!!#i wont do antthing im jst so stressed n anxious n dreading tjis so much#for context i live on a cabin complex n everyone has 2 do a community cleaning thing thts jst like physical labour 3 times in the like#period where ppl usually go here n stuff#it sucks so much n im scared n i dont like it#often u get paired w someone too n i just cant manage interactions like tht at all#n i wont be able to rly take it slow so its a tiny bit less taxing on my body n mental health#n i want 2 cry i rly hope i can think of a solution to tjis soon bc i cant jst keep pushing myself to do tjis#like im only jst starting to somewhat recover from last time n tht was somewhere in end june or early july#n the next one in somewhere in september too#i hate this so genuinely much like i cant even keep up w the very basics of taking care of myself n i cant work have hobbies or do any#schooling let alone smth like physical labour for several hours starting early in the morning#i rly want to cry i feel so helpless abt tjis#moss.exe#i think i'll jst make myself get up bc laying here all stressed out wont do shit either#i rly wish things were different like i cant explain jst how much tjis is asking from me while ik it sounds so dumb#i rly wish i could just disappear#they dont rly care for disabled ppl in this either bc theyre just like well then ur family should do it but my family is abusive n ableist#so they force me to jst go#n the only other option they seem to give is volunteer work behind the bar which i also cant do#n thats not for just one morning thats for the entire like season where ppl come here#which is from like late winter to the start of the bad weather in like october#tjis all rly sucks i'll try to find a way out of tjis but i doubt there is any bc i cant afford to jst pay the fine w the like €300 i get
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