#schizosupport gets personal

[schizosupport]

Recently I was tagged by someone because they were using a schizo spec flag I suggested ages ago in a userbox.

That's fine in and of itself, but it was kind of disorienting to go to the post in question and the blog, and discover that I'm blatantly included in their primary DNI criteria.. like they wouldn't have to read my page far to know this!

Which is all fine and well, but then as it turns out, now they have 'tumblr copyrighted' this userbox thingie and saying only the right kind of people get to use it. In other words, now here's a userbox. It describes my experience and it tags me, and it is really just a flag I made once upon a time + the text "this system is schizo spec", and I'm not allowed to touch it nor to interact with the blog in question. (I'm not a man of userboxes, but it's the principle of the thing.)

So I guess this is my necessarily vague way of indicating that I would love not being tagged in posts that are attacking important aspects of my experiences and beliefs, it's actually surprisingly upsetting on several levels. I also don't really like for my content to be used in a campaign to actively exclude parts of my community.

Just.. i dunno if you disapprove of me and my beliefs this strongly, I actually think we should maybe just mutually not interact?? Or maybe take a glance through my blog, you might learn something new. Perhaps you'll even pick up on the irony of attempting to show support for schizospec systems while also being actively bigoted towards people with freaky mental health stuff, and those who support us.

[schizosupport]

Talking with Kat about my studies, I started to feel really sad.

I really really really want to go back and do a phd, but I'm not sure I can work the amount of hours needed, and I feel that I missed my chance.

After my master's thesis, my advisor was urging me to write an academic article based on it for a journal, and he was also offering to facilitate an interview with the psychology union paper to talk about the research I did, because he thought it was important and good. He also said he would vouch for me if/when I would ever apply for a phd at the same university.

I didn't do any of that... I was hit by post graduation blues, and a phd just seems so out of reach.

Last I heard, I need to work minimum 20h/week to do a phd, but I'm only eligible for flexjob (the partial disability system in my country), if I can work a maximum of 18.

Also I'm really not sure I *can* do 20 hours.....

But I also miss ... Being good at something.

These days it's all... Accommodations, and how much can I do, and internal panicking bc I suck at talking to people.

I am upset that I will be a mediocre, unhappy pedagog instead of a potentially brilliant, but certainly professionally fulfilled, researcher. It just feels unfair.

I am going to look into my options a bit more though, because I honestly didn't realize how many emotions I have about this..

Hey Quinn! What was it like studying to be a clinical psychologist as a neurodivergent person, especially with schizophrenia being particularly stigmatized in my experience? Did you encounter a lot of ableism from your professors and/or classmates? Did you disclose your diagnoses at all?

I wasn't explicitly out to most of the people I was studying with. I think many of them did read me as neurodivergent, but we didn't really talk about it, and I don't think many people singled my oddities out as schizophrenia. I was absolutely the student who would prefer to sit on the windowsill instead of on the actual seats because when I did sit on the seats I would bounce my legs to a degree that would bother other people. I also didn't really manage to maintain the level of hygiene one would normally expect from a psychology student. On the other hand, I did have a reputation, both with other students and professors, of being unusually sharp academically, which earned me a begrudging level of respect despite my shortcomings in other areas. As far as ableism goes, I honestly feel that it wasn't that bad. Occasionally there would be some ableist comments from fellow students, but it felt like it was more ignorance than malice, and most people were willing to listen and learn. Obviously a big part of the study didn't focus directly on mental illness let alone schizophrenia in particular, and when it did I actually think that the professors did a good job. I specifically remember that the first time we talked about psychosis, the professor really stressed the idea that you are doing patients and clients a huge disservice if you forget the fact that we are all equally human and that you don't know their experience better than they do. He stressed that it's extremely important to stay humble and to listen without assuming that you know better because you have an education they don't have. I did tell some of my professors about my diagnoses when it was relevant and I was universally met with understanding and respect. My advisor through the bachelor thesis was a professor I really liked. I wrote my bachelor's about the psychosocial causes of psychosis and I told him that I myself was schizophrenic because I felt it was important in the context. In return he told me that he himself had bipolar disorder and we really connected over it. He really believed in my academic abilities as a researcher even when my mental health caused me to struggle to do the work. All in all I feel that I was extremely lucky and that a lot of other neurodivergent psychology students experience far more ableism than I did.

- Quinn

[autisticgayplushie]

all nine of the stretch goal designs for this campaign - I am not sure how many goals we will be able to reach but there will come a point where I won't be able to do any more goals unless I get fulfillment help, so we'll see if it gets to that point and if I can get help! below the cut are the names, info, and artist statements for each plushie! I may end up changing the names as I am still not sure about ash, sandy, kelly, and luca, but let me know if you like them!

Tristan The Depression Raccoon: Tristan’s plushie will come with a removable hoodie accessory! He loves cozy video games like animal crossing and stardew valley. There are not many widely used symbols for depression that I could find, so I chose Tristan's colors based on how my depression makes me feel, bruised and cold.

Ash the Anxiety Bunny Moth: Ash’s plushie will have fluffy moth antennae and removable magnetic wings similar to Bug’s plush! They love to visit the home depot lights section when their friends are with them! I chose gray and yellow for the main body colors because my anxiety personally deals with uncertainty and things out of my control. The green comes from one of the anxiety flags created by Beyond MOGAI. To add moth features was a suggestion I got that I thought fit very well!! 

Sandy the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Kitty: Sandy is an artist and loves to draw and paint landscapes! Her wings will be attached via magnet, similar to Bug’s wings. The colors of her design are based on the OCD flag created by lucellion, with spirals in her paws to represent repetitive thought processes.

Melon the Sensory Processing Disorder Opossum: Melon is a silly opossum who has bat wings! Melon’s wings will be attached via magnet, similar to Bug’s wings. Melon’s colors are inspired by the SPD pride flag created by Beyond MOGAI.

Jazz the Borderline Personality Disorder Kitty: Jazz is a tortoiseshell kitty that loves to read!! Jazz’s plush will come with a pvc charm of the hand of Eris symbol for you to put on xer collar if you choose! The colors are loosely based on the BPD flag created with community input by ptsdsafe on tumblr.

Kelly the Schizospec Axolotl: kelly is an axolotl who is studying chemistry and loves science! kelly’s design is inspired by the Schizospec flag, created with community input and organized by schizosupport on tumblr. They will have a collar tag once again made of PVC featuring the associated double sided arrow symbol.

Em the Bipolar Disorder Chimera: Em is a chimera kitty who has dragon wings and a snake tail! One side of the snake tail is smiling, the other frowning. This takes inspiration from the :): symbol often associated with Bipolar disorder.

Cy the Irritable Bowel Syndrome Otter: Cy is a happy little otter griffin! They love to sculpt and craft and sew! Cy’s color pallet is based on the assortment of medications I take for my own IBS symptoms.

Luca the Dyslexia Fox: Luca is a dancer and loves to perform! Their design and colors are loosely based on the infinity heart+ moon and star symbol that is often found on dyslexia flags. they will have L and R embroidered on their paws, which was a suggestion I was given.

[neuroglitch]

I don’t know what to do with my blogs. I feel like running 3 blogs is a bit too much for me. I don’t want to abandon @schizosupport, but I barely have the energy to keep it running. I can answer questions, but making original content is a chore I’m not quite prepared for atm. It sucks bc I really don’t want to abandon the psychosis spec community :/ Lately I don’t get a lot of questions either .. Then there’s this blog. I feel like I need to have a personal blog, so it’s probably not going anywhere. But in some ways it would be easier if I could combine a personal blog with some of the other blogs. Then there’s @welcometothepettingzoo-podcast ..While this blog isn’t really up and running yet, it’s the blog that I currently am most motivated to work on. Hmm..... ahhhh

But the thing is.. If I make an original post anywhere, it’s only going to be native to the blog where I first posted it. And it stresses me out to always have to choose where to post my shit.

[schizosupport]

I'm sorry to the people who have reached out over the last month who hasn't received a response yet. I think I'll reply soon - I hope.

Things have been a lot, to say the least. I'm fighting a lot of bureaucratic systems at the moment, and in true kafkaesque fashion I feel like a bug stuck in a spider's web, the more I struggle, the more I get stuck. But there's some hope in the situation, there always is. But it's taking a lot out of me to deal with.

In the meantime I have been doing an internship. It's not going well, and I recognize that I'm not happy about it, because I was about to explain the situation, and I instantly almost just quit out of making the post.

Yesterday I had an experience with my psychiatrist that felt completely surreal. Close to a year ago I made the decision to try to go off antipsychotic medication, with the support of my psychiatrist, but through my GP. I struggled a lot for a long time, and my GP kept offering to go back on it, but I wanted to give it a fair run.

Yesterday I asked my psychiatrist if maybe she could give me a new prescription, not because the stress is driving me psychotic, but because I can't handle the emotions. I want thicker skin, I want to be a little more dull around the edges so I can handle the curveballs that life keeps throwing at me.

And the psychiatrist looked at me and told me that she sympathises, but from what I said she has zero reason to assume that my reaction is psychotic or out of the norm in that direction, and she isn't going to prescribe me drugs that I don't need just so that I can numb my emotions.

That was a fucking first. It's always psychiatry telling me to take more antipsychotics, jumping on every sign of 'weakness' to convince me to up the dose, holding adhd meds hostage unless I comply, etc.

So being told kindly but sternly by this lady that no, I can't have a cheeky prescription of antipsychotics just because I want to essentially.. abuse it...?... was a weird experience. Like, "oh, how the tables have turned". But it didn't feel.. bad. Not even gatekeepery, I mean, she's correct. That's not what they are for. And ofc she will give me a prescription when/if I definitely need it.

For now I'm trying to find ways to reduce the stress on my life, somehow.

[schizosupport]

I haven't used my personal blog for a while because it's followed by someone who makes me anxious, but also i am incapable of blocking people... ??? (None of you, this is someone who sends several vaguely uncomfortable asks and messages daily)... Last time this happened I made a new main. Guess it's time to move .... ???

(don't worry, schizosupport is a side blog that is attached to several generations of my mains...)

[schizosupport]

Whenever I'm bored on my phone I "write" autosuggestion poetry. I write the first word and then I just pick from the three suggested words. I keep doing this until I have a sentence or a few that could pass as a poem.

It's usually pretty inane, but honestly, this one went hard.

I dunno.... Autosuggest bringing out the suppressed emo kid inside me...?!

[schizosupport]

I ain't even mad....

[schizosupport]

I have a couple asks in drafts, I've just been too busy to put in the time to finish my answers. I've been on a roadtrip through half of Europe, to visit my partner's parents etc in Hungary with our other partner and our dog.

The roadtrip part was fun (on the way back we drove Hungary - Slovakia - Czech Republic - Poland - Germany - Denmark), but the visit was hard due to the personal affairs of my partner.

As you can see, my dog is a very confident driver ;)

We tried to drive to the Adršpach-Teplice Rocks in the Czech Republic, but ended up getting hit by snowfall and being stuck sliding around on the mountainroads ^^" It was an adventure!

And really beautiful.

The place where we slept in Poland had a distinctly unreal vibe, and I felt that I perhaps shouldn't pass through this gate:

It was a good/fun unreality vibe though. I love that for the most part I'm at a place in recovery where I can entertain the notion of magic and the fae without having it become too real for me in a bad way.

I learned that my dog REALLY enjoys climbing around on cliffs, a bit too much for my peace of mind, so I may have been carrying her more than was strictly necessary...

In the end this was my favourite picture taken of me on this trip. The pilot jacket I got from my mother in law is really doing it for me!

[schizosupport]

I'm still trying to figure out the boundaries for what belongs on this blog, and 'look at my cool outfit' may not be among those, but also look at my cool outfit 👀

[schizosupport]

Ok so I quit/got kicked out of my internship.. Looking for a new one. This time I'm probably going to either work in a cafe, or with stocking the shelves in a supermarket. I'm ok either way. Honestly right now I prefer the supermarket though, because human contact = bad times.

The questions left need brain power I don't possess atm, so I'll get back to you later.

Take care out there everyone!

Ps. "glitch gets personal" is the new tag for when we get personal, like this.

[schizosupport]

Sorry to people in my inbox! Life caught on fire a bit, as it tends to.

I started my internship which is only 8 hours a week but it's still taking a lot out of me, and in the meantime one of my best friends is getting deported from the country and I'm fighting it nail and tooth because she's not going to survive it, so I'm kind of grabbing at every single legal straw I can find, and it's just... A lot. And given that she doesn't speak the language native to my country well enough yet I kind of have to be the one doing legal research, but it's an insane amount of pressure..

[schizosupport]

Managed to get so tired that I can't go to sleep. The brain needs to be awake enough to stay coherent while I fall asleep, or I will get... Weird.

What a bummer 😕

[schizosupport]

I got a final ask left in my inbox related to polyamory, i love talking about polyamory lol, but I'm sooo tired so I'll get back to it when my brain is awake again...

[schizosupport]

I'm doing a party game with Kat, if anyone wants to ask me/us some random stuff, come on over ^^

I have talked a lot about my friend Quinn through the years, and today he has agreed to answer some asks on my blog so that y'all can get to know him. Quinn is a 31 year old, queer, polyamorous, trans dude in several relationships who has ADHD and schizophrenia. Last year he finished his master in psychology and officially became a clinical psychologist. And most importantly, he is an amazing friend who has, as you may know, helped and supported me in many ways. So if any of this sparks your curiosity, or if there's anything else you might be curious about, I will ask Quinn anything you care to dig into and write down the answers he gives as accurately as possible.

[compassionatereminders]

I don't know what to do with my blogs.. I'm starving schizosupport to death atm bc I don't have energy to make original posts, or even find things to reblog (my queue is slowly running out) and I feel so bad about it. I'm tired of feeling guilty, but I would also hate to leave that blog behind. I have slightly more energy for my new project with the petting zoo, but.... I dunno.. too many blogs lol. I am a fool.. Like two blogs where one is my Personal seems like enough... ahhh

I think you’re getting too caught up in the very toxic “if I can’t do it perfectly it’s not worth doing” mindset, so here’s a friendly reminder that you do not need to make long educational posts on a daily basis for your blog to be worthwhile. 

If you occasionally can answer a couple asks on schizosupport and thus can help some people understand themselves and their illness better or simply make someone feel valid and understood, then that’s good enough by itself if you ask me. If you can’t make a lot of original content or reblog a lot of stuff right now (or ever), that doesn’t mean that the content you CAN make doesn’t matter.

Just the fact that there’s a place where you can contact a schizophrenic psychologist who has a lot of knowledge on schizophrenia in particular and mental health in general is good - and it’s still good if it’s not on a super active blog with a lot of original content. As I read in a great tumblr post the other day “perfect is often the enemy of good and good is often the enemy of done.”

So I encourage you to take it easy and not stress too much about it. Do what you can when you feel like it and don’t get caught up in thinking that you have to provide a constant flow of new original content to be worthwhile cause you really don’t. Obviously you can delete the blog if you don’t feel like it’s worth it anymore, but don’t get caught up in thinking that you have to give either 100% or 0%. Cause 50% or even 10% is still a lot better than nothing!