#scared and I’ve been stressing about it all day hopefully I’m just overreacting

[mydarlingclaudia]

uh

[bbystark]

Anxious Baker

Gordon Ramsay x reader 

Request: “Hi ! Gordon Ramsay x reader please ? This is a weird ask but like reader having an anxiety attack or something and them passing out in his arms idk idk you can ignore this if u want - 🤍”

Warnings: Talk of mental health, anxiety, panic attacks 

A/N: This is so terribly late and I apologize. I’ve finally figured out how to balance work and college so now I’m back on track for having free time to write. Also, I love the fact that someone requested Gordon Ramsey. I literally will dump anything on my blog, hopefully this is proof. (is this the first Gordon Ramsay fic on tumblr?) 

Word Count: 1695

Requests | Feedback 

You hum quietly, stirring the strawberries that were slowly reducing in a pot. You dipped your finger in, bringing it to your lips. You exclaim to yourself in delight, surprised that you were pulling off the recipe you had chosen. You turned the pot off, spinning around to pour the syrupy strawberries over the now-chilled pound cake. 

You set the pot down, leaning on the counter to take a small break. You smiled to yourself and took a deep breath. Everything was going good. 

Nothing is wrong, you remind yourself as thoughts in the back of your head nag at you. 

You had struggled with anxiety for a while, and had become accustomed to random racing thoughts and heart acceleration. You were proud that you were working through it, even if you had a bad day once and a while. 

As far as you could tell, today was a decent day. Baking was a safe escape for you, and you weren’t too bad at it. At some points it could be stressful, but being able to get rid of worries and focus on what was in front of you was therapy, in your mind. 

You’re pulled from your thoughts by the doorbell ringing, causing a smile to spread across your face. You wipe your hands on a dish towel nearby and jog to your front door. When you make it there, you throw it open. 

Gordon. 

“Hello, Darling.” He steps in the door, hanging his jacket up on the rack and toeing his shoes off to the side. He sets the other things he was holding down and reaches towards you. 

You step into his arms, your head briefly resting on his chest. 

“Gordon! It’s been so long.” 

He releases you, gently grasping your shoulders to hold you at arm's length. 

“You look good,” he pauses, “And what’s that delightful smell? You’ve been baking again haven’t you?” He smiles down at you. 

You smile bashfully. “I have. It’s strawberry shortcake this time. Nothing earth shattering.” 

“Well I’m no pastry chef but if you made it I know it will be amazing love.” 

You blush a little, realizing he’s still holding onto you. You roll our eyes, trying not to seem flustered and reach for the bags he had previously set down. 

“What’d you bring me, old friend?” 

“Old you say?” He follows you into the kitchen. 

You set the bag down on the island, glancing up at Gordon as he nudges you aside and starts taking containers out of his bag. 

“Skillet Cod with lemon and capers. It’s from the Tahoe location I’ve recently opened.” He moves around you with confidence, finding the cupboard you keep your plates in and pulling two out. 

You grab forks, making your way to the table and setting two spots. Gordon joins you, placing plates down and plating the food from the “to go” boxes. It’s still warm, and somehow he manages to make it look like it just came out of the pass. 

“This looks great Gordon. How’s the restaurant faring?” 

He sits beside you, passing you a napkin. The whole thing seems too domestic and you almost hate how much you love the idea of life being like this every day. 

“Just fine darling, my head chef is fully capable but it doesn’t stop me from making frequent trips up here,” He looks up from his food and gives you a sly smile, “Tahoe is truly a world treasure.” 

You laugh. You have lived in California your entire life and oftentimes forget how lucky you are to have Lake Tahoe at your fingertips. 

“I certainly don’t mind all the company I’ve been getting. Speaking of, when are you going to take me to your crowning achievement, hm?” 

He laughs.

“Very soon, I promise.” 

-

Conversation continues easily between you two, simply catching up. Occasionally one of you would look a little too long at the other, but fleeting glances would scare your gazes away. At some point, wine was brought to the table and you had a few drinks in (you swear it was only a few) and your head was swimming in a very pleasant way. 

That was, until a smoke detector went off. Your heart rate accelerated almost immediately, eyes widening. Did you leave the stove on? Was it something else? Oh god, was your house about to burn down? 

A million thoughts race through your mind and suddenly your throat seems very dry and tight. 

You bolt up from your seat, rounding the corner. The stove was fine, and there were no flames anywhere else. The cake was still safe on the counter. Suddenly you realized there was smoke in the air and it was coming from the oven. 

You had left it on after you took the cake out. You opened it after clicking the cancel button, a mass of smoke billowing out.

“Y/n? Isn't everything alright?” 

You almost don’t hear him, too busy looking for what exactly was burning so badly. When the smoke clears a little bit, you see the now black batter at the bottom of the oven, realizing how stupid you currently felt. You had spilled some earlier when putting the cake in the oven, and had tried to remember to clean it up once the oven had cooled. 

You now didn’t feel fear, just overwhelming embarrassment. Gordon had just witnessed you totally freak out over virtually nothing. Your throat felt tight and your eyes began to sting. You quickly shut the oven, bracing yourself against it. It was only getting harder to breathe, and it wasn’t helping that you were trying to stifle your emotions.

“Y/n darling-” 

You’re braced against the oven, chest heaving. You can’t really lie to yourself any longer and say you aren’t panicking, because you are and suddenly every coping mechanism your therapist taught you is thrown out the window and god you don’t want anyone- much less Gordon- to see you like this. 

Your anxieties are only piling on and you suddenly have tunnel vision, slumping even more onto the oven. You faintly feel Gordon’s hands underneath your arms, probably holding you up at this point. Your vision is swimming and you feel sick. 

For a moment or so there’s nothing, and slowly you begin to feel better as your vision returns. You only feel so, so tired as you realize you had just passed out. 

“There you go love, take it easy.” 

You blink a few times, looking at your surroundings. You're on your kitchen floor, in Gordon’s lap. He’s stroking your hair, his brows furrowed. 

“You look like you do when you get pissed on Hell’s Kitchen.” You let your head fall back onto his lap. 

“Jesus fucking christ you scared me. What was that?” 

“Just a panic attack, I think.” 

“I thought they were getting better, that you were making progress?” 

He looked genuinley worried and you realized how dumb your brain was for being overly anxious about having a panic attack in front of him. Which was ironic, seeing how more panic only made a bigger panic attack. 

“I was. Sometimes they’re still bad, never like that though.” 

“Are you sure you’re okay, should we go to the hospital?” 

You try to sit up, only for Gordon to put a hand on your shoulder. You half smile allowing yourself to lay your head back down. 

“Really Gordon, I feel better. It’s nothing but my brain overreacting a bit. I promise.”

He’s stroking your head again, and you can see he doesn’t believe you. You don’t blame him, he hadn’t experienced mental health issues in the same personal way you experienced them. This was something you had to deal with everyday, and he didn’t. You understood how concerning this probably seemed to him. 

“I think I should stay tonight, just to make sure you’re okay.” 

He helps you up, slowly, and being ever so careful with you. He leads you to your room, barely allowing you to change into pajamas. It was endearing how worried he was for you, but there was still a slight concern that you were being a burden. 

“Are you alright?” He peaks around the door when you give him the okay, and you see that he’s shed his jacket and is now in sweatpants. 

“Yes,” you sit on your bed, trying to hold in a yawn. “Are you sure you can stay tonight?”

“I would have been heading back to my hotel anyway. I don’t leave until Saturday.” He sits next to you on the bed, looking as if he’s gonna fret over you again. 

“You can sleep in here, if you would like. My couch isn’t the most comfortable…” 

“You didn’t think I was leaving you alone after that, did you?” He rolls over you, jokingly grabbing a pillow and bumping you with it. “This is my bed now too until I know you’re absolutely okay.” 

You flush, and roll your eyes once again.  “If you insist.” 

Your heart is racing again and you almost laugh. This is a different kind of anxiety, the kind that makes your heart swell with love and the butterflies in your stomach to flutter around gently. It was exciting.

You turn and turn off your bedside light, crawling under the covers. You feel Gordon do the same, situating himself. You’re about to whisper goodnight when he pulls you into him, your head resting on his chest. He gives you a kiss on the forehead, squeezing your shoulder in a comforting way. 

“Goodnight my love.” 

“Goodnight Gordon.”

You suddenly feel content. No anxiety in the back of your mind, only bliss and safeness. There’s an unspoken promise that Gordon wishes he could voice, the solid promise of love that neither of you were quite ready to explore yet. But all of that didn’t matter at the moment. The only thing that he could feel was your steady heartbeat and rise and fall of your chest. 

He unspokenly loved you, and that was enough for now. 

“You know, we never got cake.” 

“Cuddling you is dessert enough for me,”  a pause, “Actually I will be stealing a slice tomorrow.

- 

Thank you for reading! 

Feedback | Requests 

[clonemando]

Had a bad day and am stressed out so I wrote some Father/Son Jaster and Jango hurt comfort to make me feel a little better. Please enjoy!

Jango hasn't been eating like he should after hearing rations are low and Jaster isn't pleased to find out.

Jango smiled as he sat next to one of the foundlings being looked after by the Ha'at after the last campaign and offered them a second bowl of tiingilar. "Shh, just a secret between us." He said with a wink at them when their expression lit up amd he took the empty bowl in exchange. Jaster couldn't know he had been giving his portions away or he'd be furious but Jango knew what it was like to be new and hungry and too scared to ask for food. Especially when their rations were as low as they were at current. Death Watch was targeting any settlement that traded with Haat they could find and it was leading more and more to turn them away and refuse to trade with them. That with all the crop burning and more foundlings being left behind with no where else to go meant slim pickings for food. Jango was older than most of the others. He was used to missing meals while out on the field with Jaster. Plus the less he ate the easier it got to ignore the slight pains of hunger that would occasionally pop up. It was fine. He wasn't starving himself. He still ate midmeal. He just only at midmeal and whatever snacks Jaster occasionally would share with him.

He got up and walked around to another new kid and snuck them a ration bar that was supposed to he for his breakfast. They smiled at him in thanks and he nodded back before heading to turn in the empty dish.

"You finished that off fast Alor'ika! We should enter you in a competition." Bari said with a bright grin that showed off some fangs she had inherited through mixed genetics. She looked mostly human but so did most Mandalorians, years of adopting any species or race into their own had played with all of their DNA in weird ways. Jango himself was certainly some sort of mash of things as well but it's never really mattered since he was human enough.

"I guess the mission earlier just really had me hungry. I'm all filled up now though. Delicious as I expect from the best cook in the camp." he said kindly but she just raised a brow.

"You really are Jaster's ad with a tongue that smooth Alor'ika. Speaking of which, I haven't seen your buir yet. Take him his portion for me? He's probably still going over those maps." She asked handing him another full bowl and Jango nodded.

"Of course. Honestly how he got anything done before I was here to remind him life exists is a mystery." He chuckled and headed back towards his father's room getting nods from a few verd as he passed them. He felt good about his position. He wasn't cocky enough to think he was special or anything like that but he hot along easily with the other Haat'ade and most seemed to think he belonged with Jaster. It felt nice to be wanted and to have other people confirm his place with them. Even if he didn't become Mand'alor after Jaster, he'd always belong there.

"Buir! Bari sent me with your food. You get lost in that romance novel again?" He asked teasingly as he set the bowl down on Jaster's desk after clearing some space.

Jaster jumped a little in his chair glasses askew on his face before he relaxed at the sight of his son. "I actually think I fell asleep after calling a few more friends to make sure Tor hasn't bothered them." He admitted ruffling Jango's hair fondly and picking up the bowl and sniffling the stew inside.

"Mmm. This smells great. Bari really is a miracle on this whole operation. Only she could manage Tiingilar on such a meager budget." He chuckled and Jango nodded.

"Yeah. It's great! She's an amazing cook." He said clearing his throat when his stomach growled at him to cover the sound.

Jaster took a few bites while Jango looked over the list of numbers Jaster had been going through.

"Hmmm, something about this tastes different." He said after a while and Jango hummed absently.

"She said earlier that she ran out of the normal spice paste she used and started using Clan Rook's stuff instead." Jango said surprised when Jaster choked on his bite causing him to pat Jaster's back.

"Clan Rook's? Are you sure? And you ate it?" Jaster asked eyes fluttering over Jango with concern.

"Of course! It's not like I'm going to turn down Tiingilar! What are you scared Clan Rook is out to poison me or something?" Jango asked playfully though he was trying to understand what had Jaster so upset.

"Jango... Clan Rook uses vash nut powder in their spice mix." He pointed out and Jango winced. Right. Of course they did. And he just happened to be extremely allergic to that particular nut.

"Well... I... Actually wasn't that hungry tonight and didn't want to worry you. I'm sorry Buir. I shouldn't have lied about it. I'm fine though. It's a good thing too it seems since it saved us me swelling up and needing to go to medical." He tried to joke but Jaster was staring at him with a considering gaze now that made him uncomfortable.

"Well you still have your breakfast rations right? You can have that tonight and I'll talk to Bari and make sure there's no more surprises like that again." He offered and Jango reached into the empty pocket head ducking.

"I... uh... I don't have my breakfast ration anymore buir." He said letting his hair fall forward to hide his eyes feeling heat burning his face in shame.

"What happened to it? Did you drop it?" Jaster asked and Jango cleared his throat as his stomach growled again but this time there was no hiding it.

"I'm really not hungry Buir! Really. I'm fine." Jango said knowing he couldn't lie and especially not to Jaster.

"Jango, what's going on? Why aren't you eating? Are you feeling sick?" Jaster asked setting his bowl aside to feel Jango's forehead but Jango pushed his hand aside.

"No... I just... gave it to the foundlings. They need it more. Many are too nervous to speak up and rations are low right now. I don't mind. When things pick up again I'll eat more. I promise." he admitted quietly.

"Jango... why didn't you say anything? You... How many meals have you been skipping? How long?" Jaster asked looking concerned.

"I've been giving away my breakfast rations and late meal. I still eat with you obviously. It's enough. I'm used to it. It doesn't even hurt anymore." He said quickly then regretted it.

"Anymore?! It doesn't hurt anymore? Oh no. No no no. Come on." Jaster stood and grabbed his arm gently but firm enough he couldn't jerk it away easily and started dragging him out of the room.

"Buir! Buir wait! You're overreacting! It's really fine! Some of the verd were even impressed by how good I'm looking!" He said and Jaster almost growled.

"Looks don't matter! None of that matters! You haven't been eating Jango! You're a child! If anyone should he cutting portions it would be the adults and even that there are ways to manage it so we all take turns so no one misses meals the way you have. If you had just said something I could have been giving you extra breakfast rations to give to the others if they're too nervous to ask. You shouldn't have been starving yourself! Do you have any idea how it feels to hear you talking like this? Like you deserve to eat less for some reason? You're my son and I've failed you by not even noticing you were doing this to yourself. I thought maybe the weight loss was because of a growth spurt coming on. I never had an ad before but you... You've been hurting yourself. We're going to medical. They're going to run tests and we're going to figure out how badly you've thrown your diet out of whack. Hopefully not too badly. Then we're eating every meal together until I'm certain I can trust you again." Jaster ranted and Jango just stared at the floor fighting tears. He had just wanted to help.

Jaster took a deep breath and let it out. "Jango, ner ad, you are a good boy with a good heart. But you matter just as much as the new foundlings, you know that right?" he asked more gently as he knelt and tipped Jango's face back up.

"Of course I do. But I'm going to be a leader one day and I have to make sure that our people are all taken care of first. You would have done the same thing!" He argued feeling the tears start to spill down his cheeks and hating it. Being eleven sucked.

Jaster wiped the tears away with his thumb. "Jango, if that was true why am I still eating normally? We have plenty of food Jango. Yes it's a little tight, but nothing to where you need to skip out on everything besides midmeal. And I'm your leader. So, again, it would be me or the other adults, who would be responsible for figuring out how to ration. Which we would need you to be honest about how much you need to eat to be able to do. You're my son. I love you and want you to be living a happy healthy life. Something not hurting anymore, is not a sign of you being happy and healthy. It should never hurt to begin with. You're not in trouble. I'm not mad. I'm scared and upset with myself for not noticing and fixing this sooner." He murmured more calmly and Jango wrapped him in an embrace he eagerly returned.

"Do you promise to actually eat all the meals I give you and tell me if you or anyone else needs extra from now on?" Jaster asked and Jango nodded from where his face was tucked into Jaster's shoulder.

"Good. Then let's get you examined and then I think we both deserve a treat tonight. After you eat a proper latemeal." He said firmly but lifted Jango up and carried him to medical.

[cali-holland]

Scares- Tom Holland One Shot

Pairing: Tom Holland X Reader

Requested by Anonymous: Hi! Can I request a Tom Holland x reader oneshot where they've been dating for around 2 years, she's been feeling ill recently and hasn't thought much of it, but one day when she's with Tom and his family she passes out and at the hospital is diagnosed with Cancer? And Tom stays with her throughout everything until she passes away. thank you

Prompt: You thought it was just a pregnancy scare, but it was so much more.

Word Count: 1800

Warnings: hella sad, pregnancy scare, mentions of sex/STDs, cancer, hospital scene

A/N: I didn’t feel comfortable writing a death scene, so it’s kind of an open ending

Masterlist   Tom Holland Masterlist

*Gif is not mine*

~~~

“Are you sure about this?” Your best friend asked you, pacing a little as she waited for you in the hallway.

“I’m late. What else could it be?” You replied, unlocking the bathroom door to let her come inside. She sighed and stepped inside. You set the small pregnancy test near the sink, waiting for it to show you the results.

Normally, you wouldn’t immediately attest your period being a few days late to a pregnancy scare, but lately, you’d been nauseous, fatigued, bloated, and you even had strange food aversions- all things you knew to be signs of pregnancy. You intended to go on the pill a while ago, but you never got around to seeing your gynecologist about it and now you really wish you had.

You’d been with Tom for 2 years- today was your anniversary, in fact, but that didn’t mean either of you were ready for a baby. He was busy with work, his career was taking off and jetting him to different corners of the world monthly. And you weren’t ready for the life of a single mother if he left you.

“It should be done by now.” Your friend spoke up, yet neither of you dared to look at it.

“I can’t look.” You said quietly, fearing the worst. She looked at the test and let out a sigh of relief.

“Negative.” She smiled softly. You weren’t pregnant, and you couldn’t be more relieved from the news.

“Thank god.” You breathed out, “You don’t think I should take another one, do you?”

“Look, you’re probably just stressed. It’s normal for your period to be a little bit late. And maybe you ate something that didn’t quite sit well the other night.” She reassured you. 

“You’re right. I’m just overreacting.” You shook your head and threw away the test.

“When’s the last time you two-?”

“This morning.” You admitted, making her laugh. “It’s our anniversary.” You insisted, before adding, “It kind of hurt though.”

“I don’t need to know how rough your morning was.” She stated.

“No, not like that. It was painful, and that’s not normal.”

“Isn’t that an STD symptom, not a pregnancy symptom?”

“Shit, I hope not.” Hearing the front door open, you knew Tom was home from his meeting with his manager and you should probably get ready for your date.

“I’m going to go. Call me if you need anything.” Your friend gave you a quick hug before leaving, greeting Tom briefly as she left. You let out a groan, leaning against the counter as you felt a wave of nauseous hit you.

“Everything alright, darling?” Tom asked from the doorway, confused as to why your friend had been over unexpectedly and why you were in the bathroom. The moment you saw him, all concerns about the pregnancy scare left your mind.

“Yeah, it’s fine. How’d the meeting go?” You smiled, forcing the nausea away. Tom wrapped his arms around your waist and gave you a kiss.

“So boring, but we got some dates lined out for next year. I gotta take a quick shower, and then we’ll go to dinner?”

“Sounds like a plan.” You gave him another kiss before exiting the bathroom to get ready in your room.

You were finishing your makeup at your vanity a few minutes later, wearing a red dress that Tom had gotten for you, when he called out to you from the bathroom.

“Yes?” You asked and he opened the door, a towel wrapped around his waist and water droplets falling from his curls.

“Did you- did you take a pregnancy test?” His voice faltered a little, nodding back at the trashcan in the bathroom.

“Um, yeah,” You admitted, standing from the vanity and taking his hands in yours. He smiled hopefully and you shook your head, feeling guilty for disappointing him, “I just haven’t been feeling well lately, and my period’s late.”

“Those tests aren’t always accurate though, right?” He asked, a glimmer of hope still in his eyes.

“I’m going to wait a few more days before I try another one.” You said, “Besides, are we really ready for that?”

“As long as I have you, I’m ready for that.”

“But I don’t think I am.” You confessed, your heart falling as you felt that your words would upset him. You knew that Tom loved kids and that he wanted them some day, but you were both too young for that. “I want to have kids with you, just in a few years. Don’t be upset with me.”

Tom gently kissed the back of your hand, smiling softly at you. “I’m not upset with you. We’ll have kids when you’re ready, it’s your body doing all the work.” He laughed lightly, before kissing you. “Next time, tell me when you take a test.”

“Hopefully, it won’t be for a while.”

“Are you feeling better, though?” He asked, brown eyes filled with concern.

“Just a bit nauseous and fatigued, but I’m probably just stressed.” You repeated your friend’s words, hoping it’d convince your body you were fine.

“Do you still want to go to dinner? We can stay in.”

“No, no, you made us reservations already. I’m fine, let’s go.” You reassured him, stepping back to continue your makeup at the vanity.

Later that night, the moment you got home from your anniversary dinner, Tom’s lips were hungrily on yours, all worries from earlier gone. Never breaking the passionate kiss, you two stumbled to your bedroom until you were on the bed with Tom over you. His lips traveled down to your neck, sucking and licking to leave a mark, while his hands worked their way up your dress. He was lost in the heat of the moment, but you started to feel the same wave of sickness wash over you.

“Tom,” You breathed out, but he took it as a good sign, moaning into your neck. You shoved his shoulders a little, “Stop.” And his mouth was instantly off you, his eyes finding yours.

“Are you alright?” He asked, worried.

“No.” You clutched your abdomen as it started to hurt.

“Darling, talk to me. What’s wrong?” Tom was starting to freak out and it didn’t help as tears stung your eyes from the uncomfortable pain.

“Can you get me water and- and some pain meds?” You whimpered out and he was quick to hop off the bed, running off into the kitchen.

Your eyelids started to grow heavy, and the last thing you heard before the world went black was Tom calling out your name, dropping the water and pills in the doorway to run to your side.

~~~

Tom paced around the hospital lobby anxiously, the whole “only family” rule not allowing him in to see you while you lay unconscious in a hospital room. It had been a couple hours since he’d brought you in, and he was slowly starting to lose it. He got out his phone, about to call your friend for the eighth time to ask where she was, when he heard her call his name from down the hall.

“What the hell happened?” She asked, running up to him, the same look of worrying fear in her eyes.

“She was just suddenly not feeling well, and she was in pain. I went to get her some meds, but she passed out when I came back.” He explained.

“I swear to god, Holland, if you gave her an STD-” She started and he raised his hands defensively

“Don’t you think I’d be sick if I had an STD.” He stated. “What makes you think this is an STD?”

“She said your morning sex hurt.”

“She didn’t tell me that.” Now Tom was really worried. Not only was something wrong with you, but now he had unknowingly hurt you.

“Mr. Holland?” A nurse said, coming up to him, drawing his and your friend’s attention away from the previously rather uncomfortable topic. “She’s awake now. You can come see her.”

Tom felt his heart just about jump out of his chest as he followed the nurse down the hall with your friend beside him. When the three of them entered the room, you had different monitors hooked up to you through various tubes and tears in your eyes. Hearing them come in, you looked up at them and smiled softly.

“Oh, Y/N.” Tom breathed out, rushing to your side. He pressed a kiss to the top of your head and held your hand in his. “You scared me so much, darling.”

“What is it?” Your friend asked from the foot of the bed. 

“Well, I’m definitely not pregnant and it’s not an STD.” You laughed lightly, but the humor of it was lost in the dreary hospital room.

“Y/N,” Your friend urged. You let out a shaky breath, your eyes falling to your hands. You couldn’t bear to look at Tom or your friend.

“It’s cancer. Ovarian cancer.” You whispered quietly, and Tom tensed beside you, his hand squeezing yours.

“They can do something about it, right? Chemo? Surgery? Anything?” Tom insisted, his own eyes washed over with tears.

“It’s stage 3.” You spoke up, finally looking at him. “It’s spread throughout my abdomen. My family has it on both sides, and I guess it’s incredibly difficult to detect it early on.”

“But they can do something? I can’t lose you.” Tom’s voice broke as he began to freely cry. With your free hand, you wiped away his tears.

“I’ll need to get surgery, and then go through chemo, but-” You paused, not wanting to say the finalizing words.

“A hysterectomy? You’ll never-” Your friend caught herself short as Tom looked between the two of you, waiting for one of you to finish.

“Tom, I can’t- can’t have kids.” Your own words made you cry; you couldn’t give him the future you both he knew wanted, the future you both wanted.

“That’s alright, darling.” He reassured you, though you could tell it was hurting him. “I just need you, nothing else.”

“The chances, Tom- they’re low. Only half-” You started, but he cut you off with a kiss.

“You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met. You’re going to make it through this.”

You slid over in the hospital bed, making room for Tom to climb in beside you and gently cuddle you, mindful of your abdomen. None of you knew what the future would hold, but as long as Tom held you, your future felt a little brighter.

[blu-joons]

You Can’t Fall Asleep Without Him ~ Park Jimin

You’d tossed and turned for most of the night feeling the empty sheets beside you. They were cold, crisp, everything you didn’t want them to be. There had never been a night like it, no matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t send yourself to sleep.

Knowing Jimin slept downstairs on the sofa didn’t help. After the two of you got in a pretty heated argument, he made the decision to sleep on the sofa, to give you some space, as well as keep himself away from you for a while.

It was impossible, and you knew that he would be the same downstairs. You slid your legs out from underneath the duvet, tugging at the ends of your pyjama sleeves, creeping down the stairs, finding him laid out on the sofa.

“Chim,” you sighed, walking over to sit on the floor, beside him on the sofa. It was like looking at your reflection, just like you, he was exhausted and desperate for sleep. “Can we just sort this out please, I can’t sleep like this.”

He stared up at the ceiling, keeping quiet. He needed a moment to thought, hearing your voice again for the first time since you’d shouted. “I’m guessing that you can’t sleep either at the moment,” he spoke.

“I’ve barely had a wink of sleep all night.”

He sighed, throwing the duvet off himself, swinging his legs around so he was sat up. Lightly, he patted space beside him for you to move up to, to sit beside him, keeping a distance between him, crossing your legs in front of you.

“I’m sorry that I shouted at you,” you spoke first, “I wasn’t thinking, I was angry and didn’t want to listen to what you had to say, which was a mistake.”

“No, I should be the one apologising,” he interrupted, taking full responsibility. He thought he was being funny, but truth be told, he wasn’t. “I didn’t appreciate how much this meant to you.”

“But I overreacted, it was just something small,” you added, remembering the root of the argument, “You’ve been stressed and struggling with work, I should’ve taken that into consideration rather than just snapping at you.”

He shook his head, shuffling along the sofa so he could drape his arm over your shoulders. “You had every right to have a go, just because I’ve had a couple of long days, it’s no excuse for me slacking around the house.”

“You’ve not been slacking, you’ve been an angel, just like you usually are,” you complimented, resting your hand over his. “We’ve been arguing about nothing, and we let it get the best of us, we’ve never been like this before.”

He threw his head back, as the realisation of everything dawned on him. Something like this had never happened between the two of you before. “What’s happened to us?”

It all started because once again you’d come home to his shoes in the middle of the floor, nearly tripping over them. Something so small had bubbled into a huge argument between the both of you, a lot of pent up frustration being released.

“Do you think maybe we could go back upstairs? I really need some sleep.”

Jimin nodded, taking your hand in his, standing you up from the sofa, wrapping his arm securely around your waist. “I’ve been wanting to come upstairs to sleep for hours; I just didn’t know how you’d feel about it.”

“I couldn’t fall asleep without you, I’ve secretly been wanting you to come up for ages,” you smiled, leading him up the stairs and into your bedroom.

As soon as you slipped under the duvet, and felt the bed dip beside you, things felt right again. Feeling Jimin’s presence by your side felt like home, immediately you felt yourself falling to sleep, cuddling into his chest for comfort.

His head rested on top of yours, pressing a soft kiss to the top of your head. Just like you, he finally felt settled, being in bed with you in his arms.

“I promise from now on I will clean up after myself,” he whispered, reaching across his bedside, turning off the lamp that you had turned on to guide your way out of the room. “I’ve got to start paying more attention to what matters and makes you happy.”

“Jimin, you know that you’re the one that makes me happy, always,” you sighed, resting your hand on his muscular chest, as a light yawn escaped. “We’ve both just felt the pressure the last few days and ended up taking it out on each other.”

You couldn’t have said it better, summarising both your feelings. “If you can try and be a bit more understanding of how long my days are, I will be a bit more understanding when it comes to keeping the house a home for us both.”

“It’s always our home,” you assured him, “even this bed. It’s always ours.”

Looking around the room, there was little signs of you both everywhere, from your decision on the red colour scheme, to the items he’d brought from around the world to decorate with.

It was little things like the picture hung up on the feature wall, that reminded you all of this was because of you as a team. “I just think we need to remember to talk to each other, so we don’t end up like this again.”

“It’s funny how most of the time people can’t even shut us up, and yet when it comes to a problem, both of us are too nervous and scared to say anything.”

The two of you had always been so good at talking to each other, one of the things you usually looked forward to was your late-night chats with Jimin in bed, catching up with each other about your days, sharing snippets of gossip you’d heard.

“Now I remember why I don’t sleep when you’re on tour,” you whispered.

He smiled sympathetically, knowing exactly how you felt. He spent most of his nights running purely on adrenaline from the show.

“Maybe we need to find you something to cuddle with,” he suggested, grabbing one of the toys he had near his bedside from his travels. “What about the monkey?”

He sat it on his chest, right beside your head. “I don’t know, he’s definitely not as strong as you are, and his eyes aren’t as pretty. Plus, I can guarantee he won’t be able to squeeze me when I’m feeling down,” you joked.

Jimin laughed, shaking his head at you. “Whilst I agree nothing can compare to me, hopefully next time you can’t sleep, this guy can make things feel a little bit happier.”

You took him in your spare hand, feeling at how fluffy he was. “I’m sure I can learn to love him,” you teased, “I’m just lucky I’ve got you home for a few more months yet before you have to go on tour, I don’t need this fella just yet.”

“For the next five months, every night, without fail, I will be sleeping in this bed, by your side.”

You leant against his chest, tracing along his abs. “I wouldn’t want it any other way Chim.”

“Goodnight jagi, get some rest. I love you.”

---

Masterlist

[kisa-tiger-san]

If You Want To Win ‘Em Back, Serenade ‘Em

Summary: Stan goes to Kyle’s apartment to apologise.

I’m still crying because @pineappuu-pineappley wrote an actual song (I still can’t believe) and that’s the lyrics used in this fic. All credit for the song goes to her, so I dedicate this Style fic to her.

This fic can be read by itself, but for context, maybe you’ll need to look at chap 7 of my fic Honey Trap, which isn’t up at this point in time.

Read [here] on AO3.

“Hey guys, thanks for coming along with me.” Stan adjusted the strap of the guitar on his shoulder. He could feel the sweat on his palms and he hoped that it didn’t soak through the crumpled paper in his hand. Now that he was here standing in front of the door, Stan had second thoughts about it all. There was a very high chance of it going badly and the very thought of it made him nauseous.

A hand on his shoulder snapped him out of his thoughts. “No worries, man. Anything for you to stop moping about. It was getting annoying,” Kenny said.

“Yeah. We can’t beat the Dream Team if there’s no Dream Team to beat. A shame that Craig refused to join us. Anyway, everybody ready?” Clyde asked, patting his bag.

A chorus of agreement rang out between them. Stan sucked in a breath. It was time. As Clyde handed out the items in his bag, Stan looked down at his notes once more before shoving them into his back pocket. He steeled himself before pushing the doorbell, the sound ringing faintly within the apartment. There was a moment of silence, then Stan wondered if he should ring it again. Before he could press the doorbell again, the door opened slightly, causing the light inside the apartment to illuminate the dark hallway they were in.

Kyle had a tired look on his face when he appeared in the doorway. “Go home, Stan. We have nothing to talk about,” he said wearily. He grew confused at the sight of the two people standing behind him, eyes narrowed. “Why are you wearing fake moustaches and holding instruments from the dollar store? You know what, it doesn’t matter. Go home.” He slammed the door shut in their faces.

Now they were back in darkness, Stan felt his stomach sink. That went as well as he had predicted. With disappointment, Clyde lowered the triangle that he was holding. “So, we’re not doing it?”

“No, we’re not. I already knew it was going to be like that,” Stan said with a sigh, pulling the guitar off his shoulder. “I’m just going to go home.”

"Wrong answer.” Kenny pocketed the kazoo he was holding. “Look, just ask Kyle for five minutes of his time. Grab the door if you have to. You’ve spent the last week or so trying to write this apology for him. Do you want him to stay mad at you forever?”

“No.”

“There’s your answer. You’ve got to keep trying.” Kenny went up to the doorbell and Stan immediately grabbed Kenny’s arm to stop him.

“What are you doing?” he hissed. “I’m not mentally prepared yet.”

Kenny gave him a look. “The faster you get this over with, the faster I can go home,” he said, pushing the doorbell.

“No, I’m not ready yet!” The sound of it made Stan’s eyes dart to the door in slight panic, waiting for the door to open again. After a few moments, Stan realised that it wasn’t going to open and felt his heart sink. “He doesn’t want to see me,” Stan said, eyes downcast. “If that’s what he wants, then…”

Clyde snorted. “If it doesn’t work once, try again. Here’s a secret method I have for getting Craig to open his door for me.” He slammed his finger repeatedly on the doorbell, the sound of the doorbell echoing inside. “If he doesn’t get annoyed, then there’s —”

The door was thrown open, slamming onto the side. It swung so close to his face, barely missing his nose. “What the hell do you want?” Kyle exclaimed, face scrunched up in anger. “You’re going to piss off all my neighbours!”

Stan held up both hands in front of him in surrender. He could see Clyde giving him a thumbs up from the corner of his eye. “I know you don’t want to see me again, but can you at least give me five minutes of your time?” Stan asked. “I won’t ask for more.”

He half-expected Kyle to slam the door in his face again from the way he was glaring back at him, but then Kyle only sighed, closing his eyes. “Only Stan, the rest of you can leave,” Kyle clarified. That sparked some sort of hope in Stan. Does that mean that Kyle wanted to hear him out?

Stan followed Kyle into his apartment, closing the door behind him. Kyle was waiting for him in the living room, seated on the sofa, arms crossed. He gestured to the armchair next to him. Stan sat down, shifting his guitar onto his lap. There it was again, the butterflies in his stomach. Now that they were seated face-to-face, he didn’t know what to say. Kyle looked as if he had something to say to him, but Stan felt like he should be the one to go first. He sucked in a breath, attempting to stall for time to order his thoughts.

“Kyle, about the thing that happened, I’m really sorry about it,” Stan began.

“Yeah, I got the message the first time.” Kyle sighed. “Look, I know you said to forget it and all, so I’ve been doing my best to do that. In the meantime, I really don’t need you to come back and shove it in my face again, not when we’re so busy now. I don’t need you reminding me that you don’t feel the same way.”

“No, that’s not… I meant to say that…” Stan shifted in his seat, feeling paper crinkling in his back pocket. He sat up straighter, feeling that he could express everything with a better way. After all, he had spent a week writing it. Stan pulled his guitar up, strumming out the first few chords of his song. He was nervous all right; his hands were shaking, but he tried to do like he practised. Kyle watched him with increasing confusion, eyes darting to the guitar then back up at him. Stan cleared his throat before he launched into the song.

“All it took was one drink for me or maybe, it was more than three to throw our friendship out of the metaphorical window I’m sorry that I’m such a disaster bisexual

Kyle, I’m so sorry that I’m such a fucking jerk it took me longer than one day for me to realise how gay I am for you how can we make this work?

Why am I like this? Even I don’t know Maybe I thought being gay was metrosexual But we know that it was such a bullshit fad I think I just was a heteronormative fag

Kyle, I’m so sorry that I’m such a fucking jerk it took me longer than one day for me to realise how gay I am for you how can we make this work?

We were so close, we were super best friends Liking a dude like you won’t make me less of a man Can’t we just go back to being Kyle and Stan But maybe more than friends ‘cause I don’t want this thing between us to ever end

Kyle, I’m so sorry that I’m such a fucking jerk it took me longer than one day to come to terms and accept my queer identity

Kyle Broflovski, I realise I love you that way I think I am a little gay”

As he strummed out the ending chord, he looked up at Kyle hopefully. The redhead hadn’t spoken a word since he started singing and then he realised why: Kyle had left some time ago during his performance. Judging from the sounds and light coming from the kitchen, that was where he went to. Abandoning his guitar on the armchair, he got up to look for Kyle.

Peering into the kitchen, he found Kyle drinking from a cup, back turned to the door. “Kyle?” he called out tentatively. He watched as Kyle froze, although he refused to turn around to look at him. Clenching his fist, he said, “I’m sorry for saying that it was nothing. That night made me realise that I had feelings for you all along, but I was just too oblivious to see it. I thought we could have gone back to normal, but I now know that what I felt, no, feel for you wasn’t just friendship, but something more. The time that you avoided me made me feel like crap, and I don’t want to feel it again.” He shifted in his spot nervously when Kyle didn’t budge one bit. “Would you consider being mine again?”

He was startled when Kyle slammed his cup down onto the countertop and turned around sharply, marching towards him. “You’re such a stupid idiot,” Kyle muttered under his breath, grabbing the front of Stan’s shirt and yanked him close, crushing their lips together.

Honestly, Stan had missed the warmth of being so close to Kyle, returning the kiss with fervour. He felt his back hitting against the wall, but it didn’t matter to him in this moment. All he could think of was Kyle in his arms, Kyle holding him close, Kyle kissing him. Stan buried his hand into Kyle’s red curls; so soft, just like his lips on his own. Pulling back to catch his breath, he leaned his forehead against Kyle’s own, feeling the soft breaths between them.

Kyle still had a tight grip on his shirt, as if he was scared that Stan would leave if he let go. His breath was shaky and Stan knew that it wasn’t from the kiss. He could see the tear tracks on Kyle’s face, wiping them away with his thumb. This time, he pulled Kyle close into a hug, feeling the shivers from Kyle as he buried his face into Stan’s shoulder. “You stupid idiot, I’ve never stopped liking you.” Kyle’s voice was muffled. It hurt his heart to see Kyle so distraught, especially with the stress from work and all. Then, he realised that he probably had contributed to it and gripped Kyle tighter.

“I’m really sorry for not thinking about your feelings back then. I should have known it wouldn’t be all fine after we ended in bed together when I was drunk, and then I just told you that it meant nothing. It must have hurt.”

Kyle pulled back from him, wiping his eyes with his sleeve. “I guess you’re not entirely at fault.” He took a deep breath, closing his eyes. “Maybe I shouldn’t have overreacted that night, since I was still sober. It was just all the stress piling up, and then I just saw red when you told me that. I just avoided you so that I could avoid dealing with this problem. ”

“Are you feeling better now?” Stan asked softly, taking Kyle’s hands in his. His fingers were icy cold, so he clasped his hands around them to warm them up. Kyle didn’t pull away, so he took that as a good sign.

“Yeah.” Kyle opened his eyes, looking at Stan. “Thank you.”

Stan smiled at the warmth in his green eyes. “I love you, Kyle.”

Kyle returned the smile, the first one that Stan had seen in days. “I love you too, Stan.”

“Does this mean we’re dating now?” Stan asked, hopeful. “Because I know where we can go get some dinner.”

“That sounds nice,” Kyle said with a small smile. “Let’s go on that date.”

(And then when they stepped out of Kyle's apartment, Kenny started playing the wedding march on his kazoo. Clyde almost shed a tear at the sight.)

[letsbefeminist]

hi, so i’ve known my absolute best friend for about 5 years now, and she’s the only one who really shares my sense of humor/interests and stuff, but recently i’ve been finding myself getting annoyed with her more often and i don’t know how to stop. i’m scared of driving her away or being so irritated to a point where i’m just tolerating her until we go to college next year. how do i fix it :( thanks xoxo

Ellooooo sugar! I hope I can give ya some guidance here cause I’ve definitely gone through this uhhh many of times!

Like it’s definitely not uncommon to get a little annoyed with someone you’re friends with, especially if you spend a lot of time together or y’all just do the same thing day in & day out when you chill. Life does get mundane at times.

I’ve been known to get irritated over some nonsense & it was mostly me just feeling crowded, overwhelmed, & yes, sometimes just plain out overreacting (my bad to all my friends lol).

Ask yourself what’s going on when you start feeling annoyed. Are you bored, under/over-stimulated, tired, stressed, hungry, ect? It’s really easy to get irritated when we’re feeling these things so just take a quick step back & see what’s going on when you start feeling annoyed with her. A quick snack or change of scenery can be pretty darn beneficial!

On the flip-side, what is she doing when you start feeling annoyed. Is she on her phone when you want to talk or does she want to watch tv when you wanna go for a walk? These mismatched interests are really easy triggers for annoyance.

Soooooo, if you realize it’s something like this you gotta let her know! Y’all have been friends for 5 awesome years, so she deserves to know if something is bothering you. I’m sure she doesn’t want you to feel like this anymore than you want to. However, you can’t expect anything to change or get better if you don’t speak up & let her know what’s goin on!!

You should also try doing new or different things! Go to a new restaurant, find a cool park, binge watch a new tv show, get milkshakes & go window shopping! Anything is pretty fun when it’s outside of your norm so switch things up! This is a healthy thing to do within all your relationships & you’d be amazed at how much this can help.

You could also consider spending some time apart. Like y’all can text & whatnots but you are allowed to take a break from friends (we all need time to recharge from one another). It’s a pretty cool feeling reuniting with friends after a break cause y’all have so much to catch up on!

All these things can lead to a healthier, happier, & more exciting time together & yall both deserve it. Don’t be afraid to let her know you’re bored or annoyed or just want to do something different. I’m sure she’d understand.

Anon, I know it’s scary, but don’t beat yourself up & just be open & honest with her. Sometimes we simply need time to ourselves or something new to happen. Or the sadder part, we just grow apart (hopefully not though💜).

Just stay aware of your feelings & behavior & talk-it-out (I cannot stress this enough!!!!!!). I really believe you’ll figure it out & you can always come talk to me if you’re feeling scared, annoyed, or whaaaaatever. I’m here for you & I want to help in any way!

Sooooo shugg, I really do wish you the bestest & the bestest relationship with your best fraaaaaaan! You gots this!!🌈🍀💛

[uhloan]

Hypothetical

I don’t even know where to begin writing this. I love you with every fiber of my being via. You’ve basically made me into the man I am today. You’ve been nothing but loving and supportive and I couldn’t thank you enough for all that you do for me. You know I’ve been fighting with my demons inside me forever.. you try to be as understanding as you can be and I appreciate you for trying. I just want you to now even if I’m not happy it’s not cause of you. It’s cause of my brain and all my over thinking, obsessing over little details and basically driving me crazy. In a way I guess I think of me leaving as a way of sort of relieving that stress from you. You don’t gotta worry about me anymore you don’t have to deal with my episodes or me lashing out or overreacting. I’m sorry for all of it I never wanted to be this way I didn’t ask to feel like this. I know you don’t think of me as a burden but I guess overtime I’ve convinced myself that I am. I’ve held nothing against you, you do your best and that’s all I can ask for. You’ve been the love of my life and the brightest part of my days and I will cherish everything we’ve experienced together down to the last fiber of my being. I don’t wanna be here anymore but I’m fighting super hard.I’ve been looking back at all our memories and pictures. We need to take more just in case so you have recent memories of us. Not gonna lie I’m pretty scared these highs and lows and all these thoughts are crazy erratic. I love you and the girls and I couldn’t have possibly made it this far without my little family. I haven’t decided yet if I want to or not. I’m gonna try to talk to someone and get help hopefully that works. I just don’t wanna let you down. I don’t wanna be selfish but it’s so hard you have no idea. I’m going crazy inside my head and I feel like I’m trapped.. so many people around and I still feel like the only person on earth. I’m barely holding on the weight of this is beginning to crush me. I love you my sweet Via I really hope you didn’t read this

[ahnsael]

The following is a cross-post from Facebook. And I’m sorry to those of you who read it. I usually save stuff like this for here, but...this one is serious.

But I’m still sorry to those who will not like what I’m about to say.

During the past few days, I've woken up to my heart pounding. Not as hard as it was before I was admitted to the hospital, but...hard enough to make me worry. I do NOT want to go back to the hospital if I can avoid it. And, while they said they would likely cover the cost of my last visit, who knows if it would be the same outcome this time?

I'm not nearly as bad as I was, but...I was also 36 hours or less from death last time I checked in (granted, I felt worse than I do now for about a week before I went so I may just be being paranoid about how I feel since it's only been a couple days).  'm not nearly as bad as I was, but...I was also 36 hours or less from death last time I checked in to the hospital (granted, I felt worse than I do now for about a week before I went so I may just be being paranoid about how I feel since it's only been a couple days).

And...this is the part that most of you were probably hoping I wouldn't go to. I have SUCKED at life lately. My bar at the casino (I'm the bar manager) has had a couple changes in reps for the distributors I have. And they both SUCK at their jobs. My orders aren't coming in as I place them...they're delivering things I didn't order, and not delivering things that I DID order. Even when he's called out on it.

All this said...I've put in for some vacation time at the end of February, because I need a break. Badly. And I don't know if a week will be enough, but it’s what I have to use. I told my boss, when he initially interviewed me, that I have a tendency to work my ass off for a while (it's been about a year and a half now of me working my ass off), and then I need a break. I need that break right now. I've worked my ass off for a while, and I've earned this vacation time (and I have to use it by July or I lose it), and...our bar procedures have changed since I've taken it over. So I still have to stress about how things might go wring while I’m gone on a vacation.

But...I still feel like I suck at the job, because we keep running out of staples at the bar. And here is the morbid part...

My health isn't what it should be. The fact that my heart is beating so hard again (as it was when I had a blood count of 3...it's not beating as hard as it was, but it IS beating hard again) scares the crap out of me. Between that, plus the recurring issue with my health since they couldn't find a cause, plus being overly depressed as I quit smoking (with the patch, which itches every moment it's on my arm, and I can't even scratch it because the plastic patch prevents scratching, and I'm worried about how red my arm gets under it when I wear it -- it's working, for the most part, but...it's also actually painful to wear), and all the other issues...I've started wondering if it's worth it.

I mean, I'm not going to TRY to end myself. But...I don't know if I want to fight so hard as I did last time if it comes to a head.

Hopefully it won't. I'm still trying to take vitamin supplements and eat the right foods and do what I can to make things work.

But...if I end up at the end of the rope again...I'm so sorry to say this to those of you who have been my friends for so long, I...may let go of the rope. I just know that I cannot afford to have another extended stay in the hospital (unless they cover my expenses again -- which they may, but...not knowing is rough).

I just don't know if I'm strong enough to keep this up. I want to fight, but...I don't know if my heart can take it. I don’t know if I have the fight in me anymore.

And honestly, I just don't see anything in my future that makes it worth trying. I make less now than I did in the early-to-mid-90s. I see no path towards being independent and having my own place, and suddenly my health is an issue.

At this point, I just see myself literally working myself to death, and then being done.

I haven't had a relationship in almost 10 years. I haven't been important to anyone in ages (okay, I know some of you who will read this will consider me important to you, but...IN PERSON, I've not been important to anyone in quite a few years).

You know when the last time I have had a good hug was? Neither do I. You know the last time I got a chance to cry on someone's shoulder? Neither do I. You know the last time I had romantic companionship? Well, that one I know...it was in November of 2008. But it was a very non-personal visit. She and I were both over each other, apparently, when I visited her in New York (I was still very much into her, at first, but...she spent most of the time arguing with her boss over the phone, and the rest of the time sleeping, and it did not feel like a romantic relationship at all, and not something I remember fondly -- the last relationship before that, where I actually thought things might work, was in 1997, but that ended in a Christmas Eve "Dear John" email).

So...what the hell am I still doing here if I’m 43 and still haven’t found love?

I mean...if life works out, it works out. But my life has been nothing but a struggle since I've been 7 years old, when my parents separated. My dad bailed out (never paid child support -- and even when he knew he was dying, in the late 2000s, he tried to make peace with me -- but only spoke about the kid he adopted to replace me, and then wouldn't speak to me over email -- my older sis said he only wanted public conversations on facebook, because apparently he wanted other people to see him making up with me to punch his ticket to Heaven but even if Heaven is real, there's no freaking way he made it after the way he treated me during his life...and if he DID make it, I would rather end up ANYWHERE but where he is).

I'm tired. I'm tired of work. I'm tired of life. I'm tired of my responsibilities, when even my dad couldn't live up to his own (granted, my responsibilities are less, as I have no kids).

And I know this post is morbid. And I apologize for that. I promise, I'm not looking for any of you to somehow save me. Either I'll make it, or I won't. I posted this on facebook before I posted it here, because...I have good friends on both sites, and while, as I said, I’m not looking for anyone to save be (because I have no clue how I would save anyone else in my situation), I do want you to know where I’m at mentally).

But I truly don't expect any of you to say just the right thing. It all depends on what comes next, and what happens next with me and my health. My boss had another manager tell me that he wanted to have a meeting with me on Thursday, but then he never had the meeting with me after I braced for it all day. I honestly don't know what comes next. I may just look for a new job, where there is better insurance and pay. I may just give up. I mean, I know that's the coward's way out, but I cannot rule it out at this point. Or I may try to find some middle ground, though I have no idea what middle ground would work at this point.

But...those of you who are my friends here, I wanted you to know where I'm at. It's not a good place. And it's not all related to quitting smoking and the depression that comes with that. It's also related to everything else that has been going on with me, which continues to go on. No matter how much I wanted to fight, the heavy heartbeats tell me that I'm going back to where I was before the emergency room visit. Again, they're not as bad as they were before, but...they're heavy enough to make me think I may be in danger of being close to death again.

If I do disappear, and stop posting altogether (those who know me that I rarely go more than a few days without posting), then please know that I love you. Especially those of you who have stuck with me through all sorts of ups and downs over the years.

I honestly don't know what comes next. Hopefully I'm overreacting to a temporary thing, but...other times I thought I was overreacting, and it turned out that I was right (this happened with a sign falling at the casino a year or so ago, and also when my boss ordered me to the emergency room a few weeks ago).

Other managers have said I could leave if I needed to since coming back, because "you know your body better than I do," but...I literally had to be ordered to the emergency room. So obviously, I don't know my body that well.

And next week, I’m back on solo swing shifts. With no backup. So I have no choice but to power through. I don’t know how that will go.

But, after that last experience, I now know that I may be close again based on my heart rate (and not just the rate, but...the intensity of the beats).

But maybe it'll be easier to just give up than to fight it. I mean, what do I have in my future? I have no clue. I mean...I literally have nothing to look forward to.

So....what do I have to stick around for? Not that I WANT things to end, but...what reason do I have to fight to stay around?

I mean, I'm not looking to end things intentionally.

But...if my health just isn't strong enough to keep me alive, why saddle my family with a bunch of unneeded debt in an effort to put off the inevitable? I REALLY don’t want to put my family (nor any of you, if I’m honest), through me no longer being around. I don’t mean to be so morbid, but I’m scared as hell right now.. I don’t know what is in my future...as far as my health and as far as work, as much as I’ve absolutely sucked at my job since my health started going south.

I feel like everything’s falling apart around me (and inside of me). I don’t know what’s coming next. I hope t’s not as bad as I think, but...it could be And if it IS that bad, please know that I love all of you. I know I have not yet gotten to all of you with persona messages of how much you have meant to me, but...if I follow you, I care about you very much.

I literally just had a friend who has followed me for years message me, and I felt SO bad acting like everything was normal. Because I know it’s not. And I truly do hope I am around tomorrow to watch the video to which she pointed me.

I’m just...so scared right now...combined with the acceptance than I may be close to death. It’s a strange combination, but...when I was in my car wreck in the mid-2000s, it was amazing to wake up after hitting my head on the steering wheel, realize I was upside down because my car was on its roof, and realize that the next car who came along could have killed me. if they had hit me, I was gone.

Somehow, that didn’t happen. As many other times I probably should have died didn’t happen. Maybe this time, it won’t happen either.

But...I’ve never been this scared before of being near the end, except a couple weeks ago when I found out I was less than 36 hours from death at that time.I wan’ts even this scared when I was in an upside-down car in the middle of a freeway in L.A. I truly hope I’ll be sticking around, but...I honestly don’t know at this point.

I honestly love you all. Even the one I just followed back  last night after you followed me a few days ago. You are amazing people, and you have enriched the life I’ve had.

I honestly hope that this life will continue, but...I’m truly scared right now that it may not, based on how much I’ve felt my heart in my chest the last two days. I was apparently very close to heart failure a couple weeks ago. And it doesn’t feel that close now, but...I could be wrong.

So please, everyone who has known me here, know that I love you. And I truly do hope to love you for a long time to come (as in, stay alive to keep loving you). But, if that isn’t in my future, know now that you are literally the reasons I’ve stayed alive for as long as I have. I hope to stay alive a bit longer, but...if I don’t, please know that I love you unconditionally.

[survivenovascotia]

Episode 3 - AHHHHH -Heather

I hate Tiktok dances. Im not in shape enough for this but like 150 pts is 150 pts

So I come back from Oak Island and Kevin has been voted out. Excuse me but what? Kevin of all people. The dude was great in challenges and a loyal person. But apparently Sunshine and John said he’d be too controlling at a swap and possibly had an idol? What kind of lame ass excuse is that at the second tribal council? Darcy, Mac and Kyle were all in favour of keeping Kevin over Jessie. Which means that Sunshine, John and Dan have some kind of alliance going on there. I don’t imagine Jessie is really aligned with them and probably only worked with them to keep herself safe. I don���t blame her at all. However, we’re probably going to lose this next challenge (partly because of me throwing it oops) which isn’t the worst thing in the world. If Darcy, Mac, Kyle and myself all stick together, and none of us go to Oak Island (Kyle and myself can’t), the four of us would have the majority to vote out any of the other three who don’t go to Oak Island. And as of right now, I think John and Sunshine still feel like I’m on their side. So I’m a little bit in the middle right now. I’ve got my fingers crossed everyone else on the tribe can pull together a win but a whole ass person not submitting for this is definitely a huge disadvantage for us.

In my opinion, one of the most important things to be aware of while playing survivor is your threat level. You can't exactly be too big of a threat or else you'll get voted out, and you also can't be too little of a threat or else you'll just get taken to the end, or be seen as an easy vote. This is why the meat shield strategy is one of the best ways to play survivor; be a threat, but never the biggest threat. However, I'm not playing the meat shield strategy right now, because quite frankly I don't feel like I need to. I'm so under everyone's radar, that I don't see myself going home anytime soon. Also, since this is my first time playing, it's hard to get a read on who really is a meat shield and who isn't. However, I'll be sure to make big moves; just not too many to get targeted over anyone else.

IDK WHO IS SITTING OUT BUT SOMEONE WHO THOUGHT THEY WERE SITTING OUT AND I THOUGHT WAS SITTING OUT IS IN. IDK IF THERE IS TIME BUT I AM THE BIG ANXIOUS ABOUT THIS CHALLENGE NOW.

AHHHHH

Kevin going home was upsetting for me. Sunshine, Jessie, Dan and John are dead to me. I need to convince Keegan to join myself, Darcy and Kyle if any of us are gonna get anywhere in this game. I didn’t search for the idol yesterday because I was feeling sick and was upset with Kev leaving. I just don’t wanna go back to tribal. Otherwise I’ll be saying a few words at tribal.

I am very nervous for this challenge. Evan hasn't done anything so far , but if we lose, we need him as a number so we are stuck in a sticky situation. Livingston a while ago thought you only had to do a select few and I am worried because I don't want to lose  a challenge I worked so hard for just because people won't try. I hate having a for the tribe mentality because like I don't want to seem like a challenge threat but its more we have to work together and get as many points as humanly possible.

ok so this tribe turned into a literal mess. So i said i wanted to sit out of the challenge because i didn't have a lot of the items, and then i got ignored by like two members of the tribe which meant I was doing the challenge and evan and coco were sitting out. Honestly, I'm livid that I was ignored by people because that I take personally. I could care less about the challenge, even though I know i'd get like 6 points because i have papers and stuff to do. Luckily, we figured things out and evan is doing the challenge. If we win, awesome, but if we lose, I definitely have a couple people on my list. Luckily though, I'm in a 5 person alliance with Heather, Austin, Evan and Coco. That makes me feel safe at this specific time in the game, but I can't help but wonder who we will all vote for if we go to tribal tomorrow.

The dynamics right now are absolutely hilarious let’s breakdown: Heather: is currently having a panic attack bc this challenge is a mess & literally no one knows what they’re doing Eric: says ‘I’m not doing this’ then dips for like 20 hours. Evan & Coco are confirmed as sit outs, Eric gets mad at the hosts for some reason, & then forces himself to sit out. Evan: was confirmed as a sit out, dips for 20 hours because he thinks he’s not doing anything, comes back like ‘wait what’ & is hella salty Livingston: didn’t know that each person had to individually post everything Glo: is a angel her videos are killing me she is the comedic relief during these dark times. She also suggests we have one person go TWICE & have 3 sit outs LMAO Me: fucking cackling anytime anyone speaks in a passive aggressive tone We were supposed to be the tribe that loves each other now look what happened  

It honestly feels horrible not submitting a damn thing for a challenge because I am certain we’re going to lose because of it. But I don’t want to try my best in the challenge and have us still lose and then lose my vote at tribal. It’s just not worth it. On the plus side, even if we do lose the challenge Darcy, Kyle and Mac are all pretty down to blindside Sunshine for being snakey. So unless they change their mind right away and decide to axe me I should be in a good position.

My legs are sore and I made TIKTOKS to win by over 1000. Im..... I was gonna set a plan to get Livingston out but I mean I guess

We lost the challenge, surprise surprise. By a heck of a lot so I’m hella glad I accept the Oak Island challenge and didn’t submit for the challenge. It wouldn’t have even mattered. So we lose the challenge and shout our ho hums in tribe chat before it dies and everyone disperses to their quiet hidey holes to scheme against each other. And lo and behold Dan has immediately thrown my name out for not submitting in the challenge. Because I alone was the reason we lost. Whatever. Darcy is going under cover with Sunshine and Dan right now, Kyle is trying to act like a free agent and I’m sitting here twiddling my thumbs wondering why the minority of Sunshine, Dan and John aren’t approaching the one person who wasn’t at all involved in the Kevin tribal. They honestly aren’t that smart if they’re straight up ignoring the one impartial person. Whatever. I wouldn’t actually vote with them since they voted out Kevin who was fantastic and useful. (#RevengeForKevin). Also, since I completed my Oak Island challenge I now have an extra vote I can use up until the final 5! I shouldn’t have to use it this tribal, thankfully. It will probably come in handy during a swap!

Is this what its like to be on a successful tribe? So unused to this. This gives me time to think and bond more. I’m thinking my first instinct to be threatened by glo and aim for her was wrong, it might make more sense to get her onside and use her both as a shield but also as a scapegoat for targetting others? We’ll see. Still good with Heather and Austin as a core three, and Livingston and Chips would be a good pair to link with if needed. Hopefully if swap comes I’m with some of them.

I’m crying at the fact we killed at. Like all of us were actually scared of losing & arguing & causing chaos & it was all for nothing & it’s AMAZING Also glo is scaring me she’s getting clingy she’s like “you wouldn’t miss me if we swapped” and I’m like what she’s like “tehe I was JOKING silly 😜” and like. I’m sorry what. Maybe I’m overreacting but that type of language makes me v uncomfy. Ion know that really off put me I’m gonna take a break from socializing. I’m pretty sensitive to behavior like that so I feel like it’s healthy to distance

Birch and Tawni really sat there being like, yall won stop trying. I thought we were up for competition. Oh Well. I had fun!! We love scavenger hunts

Me, Kyle, Keegan and Darcy are a good 4. With Jessie going to Oak Island that leaves Sunshine, Dan and John vulnerable. Keegan shared to me that he won an Extra Vote at Oak Island, which he hasn’t shared with Kyle and (maybe) not Darcy. I’m worried because I feel like I’m the 4th and not the 1st. Kyle admitted Kevin was his closest ally. My idol hunt is going alright. Definitely progress made.

To Kyle, if you’re ever reading these one day. I take back everything I said. You are awesome.

Fuck losing every challenge so far that’s all I have to say

I’m not sure if I’m feeling sick because I’m just sick or it’s the stress from this vote. I don’t want to be out this early. I can’t be out this early. If Kyle, Darcy and Mac can be trusted then I’m definitely safe and John is going home. I think I can trust them. I hope I can trust them. Why are we playing so damn hard so early in this game? Everyone needs to chill out or we’ll end up like Matsing.

Going to tribal I feel safe but nervous about what will happen in the aftermath. My group of 4 are pretty chill and not budging. Bye John.

No Swap, Thank God!! I think im fairly decent at this type of challenge. I won an individual immunity in this challenge once but idk how ill do with a tribe.

Oh my god my alliance is now in control! Yeah boi. Sunshine being HELLA QUIET after John’s boot was spooky but, I mean, he can’t complain since he did the exact same thing last vote. My problem now is not being the 4th member of the alliance. I’m scared that people will see me as riding coattails. I mean controlling the idol hunt is a cute look.

Our tribe was on a roll and had won 2 challenges in a row. I was starting to get busy taking care of my crush, and because of this, I had to sit out. However, apparently two people stated they were sitting out before I did. But the thing is, I never knew that. So I decided to disconnect from skype for the day to be with the one I love. However, I turn on skype the next day, and I'm bombarded with messages telling me to do the challenge. This really overwhelmed me, but then I realized it was an opportunity. 

Glo realized how much of a sticky situation I was in, and she came to my help, and told me she would be with me until I finish it if she needs to. Ultimately I wouldn't have been able to finish the challenge if she hadn't helped me. She also played it up as if I stepped up for the team last second and made an impact. I still can't tell if she did this from the goodness of her heart, or if she did it for strategic reasons. But, I do think it was moreso strategic, because she did mention that after she helped me as much as she did, that we would have to be aligned. So because of that, her actions don't really mean as much to me as it should, and I will take out Glo if it's necessary and beneficial for my game.

[thiinkingout-loud]

@waakeme-up CAMILA My Girl 😍😍😘❤💕✨💯🌹🙊🙈🙉💭🙏🏻 You don't even have to ask me that,Of Course the answer is YOU,NOT the Thought Of You otherwise I wouldn't feel so hurt or care about you this much 💕💯🙏🏻 do you know babe how many tears I've cried and how much you actually mean to me that's why I get mad/upset when I'm hurt and my defences go up,YOU,You know that I do no matter what you say or you do 💯and that's why I always fight for you and for us every single day of my Life 💕🙏🏻💯❤ Why would I try if that wasn't true. Truth is I'm not in love with The thought of you but I think about YOU a lot,all the time!!! And I just want honest and Loyalty,I've been hurt and let down before so badly that I don't wanna it to happen again!!!! And baby I know We're only human and fall of insecurities and flaws and I have fallen in Love with All of Yours,I accept them all,I can deal,You know I Love You it shouldn't EVER be questioned or doubted not even for a second. All I wanna know is where I stand with you and what your true feelings are just to be sure,I believe and feel there's a chemistry/spark and something special and hopefully a long lasting future together.a connection that's unmistakable and undeniable and I feel like my heart is your home and I have found my home with you and In your heart!!!! My soulmate and the one I wanna spend my life with!!! All I wanna you say when your ready is I Love You too,and yeah I have passion and fire and maybe I over love and I over care and it's all too much sometimes but at least it keeps things exciting and passionate and shows I genuinely care and I don't wanna fight with you but I would rather try with you than ever find someone new,my heart on the line and cards on the table finding You makes me realize and think I'm Genuinely happy and kinda glad it didn't work out with anyone else,I feel so lucky and blessed to have found you and I worry that I'm going to lose you to a so called percieved "Better Guy" without us giving You and me a real chance and I don't wanna regret missing out on true love. Sometimes you're crazy and I'm crazy and You drive me crazy lol but I'm crazy in Love with you and there isn't anything that wouldn't do for you!!! You're my everything and my world and I've seen all sides of you and I take the good and the bad and the highs and the lows.i would always stand by your side and have your back,I always fight for you and make effort,please do the same back!!! I pray and hope things work out and we sort things out,I know I have trust issues but I want to trust You 💯💕❤ and I do really but sometimes I get things wrong and overreact and when I do,I apologize and the truth is I love you more than any other guy ever could!!!! 💯❤💕🙈🙊🙉 Every single thing I've ever said to you has honestly come from the heart!!! I do really really genuinely LOVE YOU!!!! And I'm kinda hoping and praying for a miracle but I hope you feel the same or even still feel the same,I'm Staying and I'm not giving up. We can get through anything together,I believe and know we can,please stay and don't give up on me even if I'm difficult sometimes,I know I have scars and emotional damage/baggage and I know you have a lot of stuff too but we can help each other and work through all i things together,let's grow together,You've changed my life for the better!!! It should never be in question or ever in doubt and if u wanna know the answer to your tweet its the 3rd word in your tweet,thats why I always have and always will put all the effort in!!! But really You know the answer already that I Love You,I didn't expect to fall for someone but I did,YOU helped Me heal all the hurting and find the loving. True Love. And all the stuff we've already gone through and come out the other side stronger and I genuinely love and have respect and care about your family too and I Love Your Mama,Papa and Sofi too and I care and I want their approval and respect and blessing and to see I'm good enough for you and right for you and the one who is worthy of being with their daughter,if I only loved the thought of You I wouldn't do that,right? And we're not perfect people no one is but I Love an imperfect person perfectly and the only thing I would ever wanna change about you is your last name really 😉😜😏❤💕💯🙏🏻 "Camila Perrin or Karla Camila Perrin" it's got a nice ring to it,don't ya think? Get it? 😉😜😏👰🏻💎💍 and I don't say it lightly,I look and you and I see the rarest most beautiful pure form of MAGIC ✨✨✨✨✨ My Tinkerbell or even my Hermione Granger ✨✨✨✨✨⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️ you're a work of art,a beautiful masterpiece and if we we're at an art gallery I'd be looking at that masterpiece I'd be looking at you and gazing into your eyes,the most beautiful sight ever known,you're so damn special and you don't even realize just how truly wonderful and beautiful inside out you are,mythical and majestic and you have the most beautiful sparkling magical aura ever,you shine and you glow my angel baby 😇✨✨✨✨✨ Ya mean everything to me and More,you're my world and we all make mistakes and grow and learn from you but I genuinely want you and need you in my life forever I need my girl cause I Love you and I'd be lost without you,I look at you and I see and want a future with you my darling and I think to myself I swear I'm gonna marry that girl one day YOU Karla Camila Cabello Estrabao and I mean it and I'm going to make you happier than ever before!!! YOU deserve the BEST!!!! Baby cause YOU'RE the BEST 💕❤💯🙉🙈🙊🌹🙏🏻 I Love YOU unconditionally with all my heart and soul,Never ever just the thought of You and You can't say I never try,the effort I always give you is 110% and it always will be 😜💕🌹💯🙏🏻 I know you're a bit nervous/shy and scared and to Be honest I am too and the best things in life never come easy but these special rare magical things abs moments like us and what we've found are a once in a lifetime and you gotta take that chance and leap and fly and I wanna spend quality time with you more than ever!!! And that vacation anywhere for a week or two sounds like a great idea,two weeks no work,no distractions,no stress just me and the love of my life anywhere,somewhere in paradise having the time of our lives and trying to know each other better and taking it day by day and not rushing things and pushing things and making it all work out and last,let's be the greatest team,let's have magic moments and make beautiful precious memories and stories to tell the kids/grandkids someday and maybe even a few we can't tell them someday too 😉😜😏😈🔥🔥🔥🔥💭❤💕💯🌹 and I crave you In every way possible even the innocent things like holding hands brushing your hair back out of your face and stroking your cheek before going to kiss you and holding you in my arms and you laying your head on my chest and hearing my heartbeat knowing your safe from Any harm i would protect you and that I would always take care of you and your most beautiful heart!!! 💕❤💯 be my little spoon? I'll take good care and look after you. And that beautiful photo and quote/question ya just posted Me? Anything and Everything 🙈🙊🙉💯❤💕🙏🏻💭 For LOVE and for YOU cause to me YOU are LOVE and I LOVE YOU Unconditionally Forever 💕🌹 I'm staying and I'm not giving up,be My Forever Girl,double infinity,I wanna kiss you and hug you and have a koala hug 🐨🐨🐨🐨 and show you how loved you really are!!! Please be mine forever? I said are you gonna be my girl? I care so much and I love you with all my heart and all I have 💯💕❤ my beautiful butterfly queen 🦋👸🏻👑 and if you cry reading this my gorgeous princess I hope they are happy tears and I want you to know through the good times as bad times I'm Always here for you and I'll catch those tears and dry them all and turn that smile into a frown I wanna be the one you go to with anything and trust me with anything,tell me everything,even the bad things you did and let me love you anyway or in fact even more!!!! Always thinking of you and daydreaming of kissing you,I love you to the moon and back and we are the sun and the moon,Please don't go,don't let go My Rose 🌹 Love Always xxx ❤💕💯🙉🙈🙊💭🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻💯💋💋💋✨✨✨✨✨💭 ps:id do anything and everything for LOVE!!!! And for YOU!!!! Cause YOU are LOVE and I Love You 😍😍🙉🙈🙊💕❤🌹🙏🏻💭