#saying im safe feels a little bit like im casting a protective spell on myself. doesn't mean the things wont be scary but im more convinced

[lesbin]

read something the other day that might be useful to other people w anxiety.

saying 'i'm okay' when you're feeling anxious signals to your brain that it's wrong to feel how you feel. it's dismissive and won't help you in the long run.

instead, say 'i'm safe'. it's far more comforting. you're not denying or trying to suppress your anxiety. you're making space for it while simultaneously acknowledging that you are going to get through the bad feelings. you might be anxious but nothing is going to harm you. you're safe !

[fweasleyswhore]

Let Me Take Care Of You - G.W.

a/n: this popped up in my brain and I wanted to get it out, this is with George because I felt like he fit the idea a bit more also i deadass haven’t written smut before like not as a joke haha funny so im so sorry if this is ass

Pairing: George Weasley x fem!Reader

summary: Reader confesses her feelings for George after the disaster of Bill and Fleur's wedding and spend a night together for the first time, which they can only wished would have happened earlier.

word count: 3.5k

warnings: Slight dom!George, slight sub!reader, mostly passionate smut, 18+ themes

The night was winding down. It was a beautiful ceremony, candles were floating around in the tent giving off a soft glow. A few straggling couples slow dancing. I was sat admiring the tent and the company when I felt a presence behind me. I looked up and my heart skipped a beat. George stood behind me, his hands placed in his pockets and the goofy grin he adorned everywhere was plastered on his face despite the bandage wrapped around his ear. 

I turned in my chair so I could see him better. “Hey, George.” I beamed up to him. 

“Hello, darling, would you want to dance?” He pulled his hand out of his pocket and held it out to me. My breath hitched in my throat as I nodded and he pulled me out to the dance floor. I had liked George since I met him, he always seemed to bring light in my life that I lacked, but I had never acted on my feelings. I didn’t want to lose him. 

“You look beautiful tonight.” He whispered in my ear as we slowly spun around the room. His hand was placed on the small of my back, the other interlaced with mine. My free hand rested on his shoulder, our fronts were pressed flush together. I felt my face heat up at his words and our proximity. 

I put my head on his chest and locked my arm behind his neck. “George?” I said softly. I decided now was a good time to tell him how I felt. I needed to. I wanted to say this, look back up at him and kiss him. He hummed and I felt the way his chest rumbled as he did so. “George I think I lo-” 

My words were cut off by a loud crashing noise. I whipped around to see the cause of the crash. In the middle of the dance floor was a blue light. 

“The Ministry has fallen. They are coming.” As soon as it had spoken it was gone. The tent went quiet for a moment until flashes of black smoke started appearing. I watched as Ron, Hermione, and Harry apparated away. I grabbed my wand I had placed in my dress pocket and held tightly onto George’s hand. 

Bill grabbed Fleur and started dragging her away. I watched a death eater begin on them. 

“Stupify,” I yelled and he shot back into a table and collapsed. 

“Y/N, we need to leave, there are too many.” At George’s words, I looked around, wizards and witches were fighting or apparating away. I looked up to him and nodded seeing as there wasn’t much we could do other than get hurt. He grabbed my hand tighter and started bounding towards the Burrow. We started a protection spell on the house once we got there, it finished with enough time for everyone to get in. 

Bellatrix Lestrange stood outside, I saw her from the kitchen window pacing outside. “Where did Potter go?!” She screamed. I wasn’t sure if it was aimed at us or her henchmen. Soon enough all the death eaters disappeared in a cloud of black smoke. 

Molly was sobbing at the kitchen table, Arthur was consoling her. Fred was having Ginny clean a cut on his leg. Bill and Fleur weren’t around, I assume they apparated somewhere. Lupin and Tonks were arguing about if it was worth it to apparate home. 

I couldn’t find George. My eyes scanned the area once more but I couldn’t find him. I felt my eyes tear up as I turned back to look out the kitchen window. I tried to remember if he had left the house after we cast our spell. Deep in my thoughts, I didn’t hear him walk up behind me. 

“Y/N?” His voice was soft and gentle. I whipped around and immediately jumped on him. He returned the gesture, his arms wrapped around me and pulled me up so my feet were off the floor. I wrapped my legs around him to pull him closer afraid that if I didn’t he would disappear. 

“Where were you?” I whispered harshly into his neck. 

“Making sure my ear wasn’t bleeding. Y/N are you alright?” His grip on me tightened. I felt him move away so I pulled my head up to look him in his eyes. His eyes were scanning my face looking for a sign of injury. 

Then I felt like it was the right moment. I unwrapped my arms from around him and cupped his face. His eyes stopped scanning my face as they looked directly into mine. I let my eyes flicker to his lips and then back to his, he repeated my action almost like he was communicating the same words. 

I closed the gap and pushed my lips onto his. He kisses me back with no hesitance. His grip on me tightened, one of his arms traveled down to hold my thigh and support me. Our lips moved a few times, finding a rhythm with each other. Once we did it was a new experience. George sucked and bit on my lips as we kissed causing me to let out a soft moan. I ran my hands through his hair and tugged lightly earning a soft groan from him. 

We pulled away to breathe and he set me on the kitchen counter. Suddenly remembering his family was there I looked around making sure no one was watching our moment before I put my eyes back onto him. 

“Do you know how long I wanted to do that?” He asked with a slight chuckle. His hand found my thigh and he pushed up the skirt of my dress to draw small patters above my knee. 

“Why did it take you so long?” I panted out. He was making it harder to catch my breath. 

“Tonight I watched my family fight to stay alive, and I realized that there is so much happening right now,” He gulped as he showed his vulnerability. “Y/N, I want you. I’ve wanted you for as long as I can remember and I don’t want to fight this without having you beside me.” His eyes moved from the floor to my eyes and I saw him, the real him. He wanted to be loved, he wanted to share his love, and with the war building up he was afraid he was never going to be able to do that. 

“George I can’t imagine fighting this without you. I can’t imagine my future without you.” I grabbed his hand that was on my thigh as I said this. With each word I said I watched as his scared expression molded into a smile. 

“Really?” He whispered. 

“Definitely.” I replied. His lips were back onto mine and we shared a short but passionate kiss. 

The rest of the night we helped clean up. I helped Arthur get Molly to bed where he stayed with her then I helped Ginny clean up Fred’s leg and set him up a temporary bed on the couch, not wanting to climb the steps to his room. Once everyone was taken care of I found myself in George’s room. I wasn’t staying in here but I wanted nothing more for him to hold me while I fell asleep. 

The door creaked open to a very disheveled George. His purple and white speckled shirt had been rolled up his arms, the vest piece completely gone, his tie hung loosely around his neck. 

“Hey.” He spoke gently once he noticed me. I was sitting on the edge of his bed. 

“Hey,” I replied taking him in. “I’m sorry, I know you're tired I just don’t want to be alone tonight.” I began to wring my hands in my lap, waiting for him to tell me to leave. 

“I was hoping I would see you again tonight.” He made a few strides and sat next to me on the bed. I leaning into him immediately, resting my head on his shoulder. He snaked an arm around my waist and we sat like that for a few minutes. I turned my head so I could look at him. 

“George, I don’t know what this war is going to take from us.”

“Hopefully not my other ear.” He butted in. I couldn’t help but laugh, he pulled me closer as I did. 

“I was trying to say that from here on out I want to be with you, I-I want to be there when you go to sleep and be there when you wake up. I want us to have little moments with each other when we can, I have spent the past few years wanting something with you and I won’t continue without letting you know. I don’t know what that kiss meant to you downstairs but that was everything to me.” I spoke slowly and I stared at my hands. I was too afraid to look at him in such a vulnerable moment. 

“That’s all I want. That kiss downstairs was my future Y/N.” I picked my head up to look at him grinning wildly. 

“I’m your future?” I asked sheepishly. 

“You’ve been my future for the past couple of years, the plan at least. Y/N I’m in love with you.” I threw my arms around his neck and tossed myself into his lap. I peppered kisses on his cheeks while smiling. Pulling back I looked at him, he was smiling back at me, his eyes were looking into the darkest parts of me but he was smiling. I knew I would always be safe with him around. 

His hands began to rub into my sides gently. He leaned up, closing the gap between us. Our kiss was slow, methodical, and passionate. It quickly escalated into more hungry and fast as we continued. Without thinking I rolled my hips into his earning a groan from him. We broke apart. His face was flush, lips parted and slightly swollen as I bet mine was too.

We stared at each other for a moment trying to gauge each other and plan what to do next. Keeping eye contact I rolled my hips again. His jaw clenched and his hands tightened on my hips. 

“Do you want this?” He asked. His voice was deep and husky. His eyes were dark and it sent shockwaves through my body, straight to my core. 

“I need you, George,” I whispered back. That was all it took for him to tighten his grip on my hips and kiss me again. The kiss was hot and fiery. I began to grind into his lap again causing us both to groan. I could feel him harden beneath me as I rolled my hips into him. I continued to roll my hips, throwing my head back as he nipped and sucked at my neck. 

“George...” I moaned out his name, I could feel him smirk against my neck. 

Before I could prepare he flipped us over, I was laying on my back and he hovered over me. 

“You’re so beautiful Y/N.” My face began to flush as he looked at me with pure adoration in his eyes. He began to pepper kisses onto my face and the butterflies in my stomach dispersed as I began to laugh. 

“Are you sure?” He asked pulling back to look at me in my eyes. 

“Yes George, please,” I whined, I could feel the familiar feeling in my core that felt both like butterflies and sinking. I desperately needed his attention on my body. 

“Tell me if you need me to stop.” I nodded and he attached his lips back to mine. His hands traveled down my body, he pushed up my skirt up my thighs and it pooled around my hips. I broke the kiss and pulled it up above my head. Looking back up to George he took me in, trailing his fingers around the lace of my bra my breath hitched much like his own. My heart rate sped up as his fingers trailed down from my breasts and to the waistband of my matching lace panties. 

He pulled on the waistband of them, letting it bounce back onto my hips. Leaning back he pulled his shirt and tie over his head. I took him in, his toned chest and stomach eyeing the ginger trail of hair that could be seen down both. 

He undid his belt, pushing down down his trousers while maintaining eye contact. I watched him until my eyes flickered down to the tent in his underwear. I could hear him chuckle as I eyed his length, my eyes widening as he grew under my gaze. 

He moved again to sit in front of me on the bed. His hands moved up my legs and rested on my things, lightly kneading them, his lips soon followed. He repeated his assault on my neck on my thighs, nipping and sucking until he reached my covered core. 

His eyes flickered up to mine as he halted his actions. I nodded permitting him to continue. His hands came up and they traced my lips causing my breathing getting heavier. He pushed my panties to the side and reached out to delicately lick my clit. I dropped my head back and let out a loud moan. 

“My family is in the house you know.” He laughed against my core, his breath fawned over me sending shivers through my body. 

“Sorry.” I whipped my head up to see him smiling at me. 

“It’s ok, I want to hear you.” He said and summoned his wand. He placed a quick silencing spell on the room. “Don’t hold back darling.” My face heated up at the nickname and I quickly nodded. 

He turned his head back to my core and started to aggressively lick and suck at my clit. I couldn’t hold back the moans that spilled from my mouth as he continued his attack. His fingers came up, tracing the entrance to my core adding to the pleasure I was feeling. I reached behind myself and unclipped my bra to massage at my tits. 

He inserted a finger into me making me exclaim as he pumped it slowly while curling it. He pulled his face back to watch me as twisted and pulled on my nipples, adding to the overwhelming feeling crashing around me. 

“So pretty.” He fawned. I didn’t have time to have to be flushed at his comment as he inserted another finger into me making me scream out his name. He gently licked at my clit now and again as his fingers mercilessly pumped into me. Curling his fingers to hit that one spot over and over again his attention picked up on my clit. 

“George, I, f-fuck! I’m gonna...” I breathed out. The ability to make words passed me as my legs began to shake, the familiar feeling of a knot filled my stomach and my eyes clenched shut. 

He hummed onto my clit, acknowledging my plead and that was enough to send me over the edge. I came hard and saw stars as he continued his attack, milking my orgasm for all it could give him. He pulled his mouth away, soon after pulling out his fingers, massaging my shaking legs as I caught my breath. 

“Do you want to keep going?” He asked. I looked up at him, propping myself up on my elbows as I looked down at him. The tent in his underwear looked bigger as ever and his chin was glistening with my arousal. 

“Please.” I nodded. I grabbed him and pulled him on top of me. One of his hands propped him up while the other cupped my face as we kissed. Our tongues fought each other for dominance, I moved my hand down and palmed him through his boxers. He let out a groan which I used to my advantage to explore his mouth. 

He moved his hand from my face to grab my wrist. I halted all my actions and watched as he pulled his cock free of his underwear. My eyes widened at the sight of him, I felt myself grow wetter and rubbed my thighs together at the sight. He pumped himself a few times as his eyes raked over me, chuckling lightly to himself.

“Needy, are we?”  He taunted. He started to move his hand slower around himself, his eyes were dark as they looked into mine. I wiggled under his stare again letting out a whine. 

“George, I need you.” I managed to breathe out I heard him groan at my words. 

“As you wish.” He crawled on top of me, I linked my legs around his waist. My breathing intensified as he trailed his lips up my torso until he was trailing his lips along my jaw. He nipped and sucked behind my ear causing me to let out a breathy moan. I could feel him pressing against my entrance so I shifted my hips needily trying to take him in. He lifted his head and looked at my face as though he was committing it to memory. 

“Please…” I whined. He smiled down at me and reattached our lips. One of his hands found mine and he pulled it above my head, interlocking our fingers and leaning against it. His other hand trailed down my body until he found my hip, holding it steady. Our lips were still pressing against each other when he pushed into me. I moaned into his mouth causing him to pull away and smile at me. He continued to push into me, filling me up to the hilt. Being quite large, I involuntarily clenched around him trying to adjust to his size. He groaned and placed his head in the crook of my neck. He peppered kisses to my neck and didn’t move, letting me adjust. I felt quite full, in a good way, the stinging sensation I felt at first passed quickly. I ran my free fingers through his hair, beckoning him back to me. I kissed hard signaling for him to start moving. 

Slowly he pulled out halfway then pushed back in with more force. I moaned out his name as he repeated these actions, each time thrusting into me with more force than before. Hoisting my leg around his shoulder he continued his pace, this time hitting that spot deep inside of me that made my toes curl and my lungs lose the air they once retained. I was a moaning mess, saying George’s name like a mantra. Each feeling was both too much to handle and not enough. The familiar feeling of a knot was building up in my lower stomach. My legs began to shake and my breathing sped up as I felt myself tighten around him making each thrust leaving me feeling more full. 

“George, p-please, I need…” His hips snapped into me cutting off my sentence and turning it into a moan. He trailed his hand up and cupped my face. He picked up his pace causing my whole body shake begging for release. 

“What do you need baby?” His voice was husk and sent shockwaves through my body. As he continued his brutal pace and didn’t grant me my release I felt tears prick my eyes as it all became too much to handle. 

“F-Fuck, please George. Please.” A few tears fell as I tried my absolute hardest to hold back from falling apart. 

He leaned his head down and nipped at my ear. “Go on darling, cum for me.” He whispered into my ear. At his words I let myself fall apart, shaking and clenching around him. He continued to thrust, slowing down and stuttering until he filled me up, thrusting a few times as the aftershock of my orgasm made me spasm and let out a few small moans. 

He slowly pulled out of me and laid on top of my chest. Picking up our intertwined hands he placed a kiss on the back of mine. Brushing my fingers through his hair I tried to catch my breath. 

He rolled over and pulled me with him, now resting on his chest I could hear his heartbeat go back to a normal rhythm. 

“Y/N?” I hummed as a response, waves of fatigue fell over me and I traced small patterns onto his pale chest. “I don’t ever want to be apart from you, not anymore.”

I smiled at his words, shifting slightly so I could look up at him I beamed. “That took too long to happen,” He nodded eagerly and I laughed at him lightly. “I just mean I’m ready to fight for us.” 

He grabbed my hand resting on his chest and interlocked our fingers yet again. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

We fell asleep, tangled together breathing in each other and I never felt more complete than I did at that moment. 

[1ndulgences]

hello! i’m writing this in assumption that your match-ups are still open^^ feel free to delete this if they aren’t!!

> just to say it, in case it matters. i identify as female and my pronouns are she/her. i’m bisexual :)

i’ll start this off by saying i absolutely adore animals (especially cats). i literally fall asleep to animal documentaries. two of my favorite past-times are reading and writing. i have shelves of books and so so many pages of little poems and stories i write on my computer. i practice witchcraft, though i wouldn’t necessarily say that i am wiccan. i love crystals and herbs. i enjoy playing video games too.

i’m very shy and quiet around people i’m unfamiliar with due to my anxiety, so it’s difficult for me to open up and pursue friendships. because of this, i’m in my head a lot and i tend to day dream. i’m drawn to aesthetics and i like things with deep meanings. i tend over-analyze a lot of things— whether it’s a song, a story, or something someone says. i’m incredibly sensitive to my surroundings so i can easily read people. i’m a very good listener and i adore it when a person tells me about themselves or their day. generally, i’m very protective of the people i spend time with. i enjoy lightly teasing people but i can get quite bashful when the tables are turned. i get so embarrassed that it’s embarrassing… i love praise and will actively seek it, whether it’s showing someone a poem i’ve just written or a high score i’ve gotten on my favorite game. i’m really sensitive to other’s criticism though, and i can take things deep unless i know that it’s light-hearted or jokes. i like to use big words to make myself appear more intelligent and mature. i cannot stand scary things (DOLLS…) or insects, especially butterflies and bees.

AHH IM SORRY IF THIS IS A LOT i hope this isn’t too overwhelming for you!! if it is, feel free to delete! no hard feelings. regardless, i’m glad to see your blog getting more recognition 🫶 you deserve it

- 🍂

it is not too overwhelming, do not worry—! you gave me much to work with, and i hope i can deliver properly.....! thank you for your kind words and support, dear leafynon....~!

this may be a tad obvious of an answer, but i believe your perfect match would be.....

natsume is drawn in by your quiet nature, but you exude such a mysterious aura that he can't ignore. he is enamoured by you, and how you analyze the world around you so easily. at first, he simply wants to know more about you. someone like you must be hiding something, to be so soft spoken yet so in tune with everything around you. he wants to understand you. he needs to.

being natsume, of course, this means he tends to tease you. he quickly falls for the way you react to his words. whether it be how you perk up at his affirming words, or how you flush when his words poke at you. but do not misunderstand him — he deeply enjoys the long talks you both have, together observing the world and speaking in hushed voices when in class.

as protective as you can be, natsume takes things a step further. brewing potions, casting minor spells, watching your every move for his chance to save you... he makes sure that you are safe no matter what. all of this, and he claims you only to be a friend. a good magician never reveals his secret, hm? you would be used against him or endangered if he let the world knew of his feelings for you. but that certainly does not mean he will relinquish you to anyone else.

he may not be the best at video games, but he has learned a bit from sora. he loves to play with you, because he loves to see how happy you get when beating a level. sometimes, he likes to pretend that he does not ynderstand how to play, just to have you lean closer to explain the controls. or he will throw matches of competitive games so you can win, just so he can see you smile. you are smart, and if you catch onto his act, he will feign ignorance and tease you for being 'insecure', since clearly you are just so good at this game. do not doubt yourself in front of him, okay? he will simply will not accept it! if you do not catch onto the play, he will simply continue to do so since it makes you so happy when you win.

natsume has fallen for you, and he is a stubborn creature of jealousy. if he fears his aloof and playful nature has driven a wedge between you both, he is not above mixing together a strong love potion to bring you back into his arms. if you are hopelessly in love with him, then it would be okay for him to be more open with his own affections... in fact, he may not even wait to do such a thing. after all, that protective necklace he made you... there is an awful lot of rose quartz on it, isn't there?

you are his darling now, and he will never let you go!

[creacherkeeper]

im getting a little too in my family feels today and so INSTEAD of feeling those im just going to ramble for a second about why i fucking love paladin!aelwyn because. im. just like this i guess im coping leave me alone

cw for discussions of child abuse, maladaptive coping, drugs and alcohol, self harm, destructive tendencies, basically everything we see in canon and the implications

aelwyn is ... SO interesting to me because for as much of her interiority as we see, as much of her as we think we understand, as much as i could ramble about her character for hours, we know ALMOST NOTHING about her in actuality?? (besides ... one key thing)

(this is like 2k and probably incoherent someone please stop me)

okay. listen. almost everything we see aelwyn do in s1 is maladaptive rebellion against her parents and home life. the drinking, the drugs, the partying, perhaps some of kalvaxus (though i dont think we fully understand how much of that was forced on her as well, kalina WAS watching her when she was talking to adaine about it). you can say like, oh aelwyn is a party animal, she's impulsive, she makes risky decisions, she's bitchy and rude, and its like. okay but IS SHE ACTUALLY. because under her parents thumb she had an EXTREMELY limited amount of freedom, and usually when people are suffering from very little control over their life, they WILL act destructively over the tiny bit they can, either harming themselves or their environment or people lower than them in the pecking order, because in a way, that feels like a reclamation of autonomy. saying "you have so much power over me but can you stop me from hurting myself and destroying what you havent managed to claim yet?". its just like, kind of what human brains do and frequently has little to do with a persons actual personality or impulses, its just. desperate brains trying to control SOMETHING because autonomy is a fundamental human need and when thats taken away we get. very bad off. (this is one big reason eating disorders are SO common with abused kids.) so i think a lot of the s1 aelwyn we see is like. this is a very desperate, abused teenager "acting out" in the only way it is possibly somewhat safe for her to do so because, on a psychological level, the self destruction is weirdly the only emotional tether and its either this or just dissociate all the time (something we do see she has problems with in canon)

and yes, she did treat adaine horribly in s1. she fully did. obviously what we get in canon is what happens but a moment thats interesting to me is in episode 1 where adaine has attacked aelwyn several times, who either does nothing or just bounces it back, when she says "i never cast spells at you" and siobhan immediately retcons it and says "yes you do, all the time" (i havent gone back and watched this bit so i might be wording this wrong). obviously its an improv show and the canon is built between performers as they go, but that was interesting to me. that brennan hadnt intended for her to have fought back in that way. she definitely feeds into the emotional abuse from their parents and participates in all the toxicity there, but we know in canon that she did that because of overwhelming fear and self preservation. and that her self hatred because of it just fed back into the cycle and made her feel like she wasnt good enough to even try to break free from it. this is very common in golden child/scapegoat sibling relationships where the golden child SEES what the parents are capable of and becomes a participant in the abuse out of fear for their own standing. in any way siding with the scapegoat child not only directs abuse at themselves as well, but frequently makes things WORSE for the scapegoat because the parents will take out the challenge to their power on them even more. so, if aelwyn DID ever try to defend or help adaine when they were small, she would have VERY QUICKLY learned that made things worse for everyone. and just. sectioned that part of her brain off, as she's done with so many other things. (and i dont think im reading too much into the forest scene with the abernants to say their parents were VERY QUICK to turn abuse towards aelwyn if she stepped out of line even a little. like, you dont flinch when a hand moves unless. you know. dont need to say it just something to think about. as far as we saw in canon, she had done everything they asked of her leading up to the forest, and we DONT KNOW what happened in it but we do know brennan specifically called out how in broken spirits she was when adaine was summoned, even though they did the ritual to avoid all of the nightmare bullshit)

(the house party is literally a whole separate post but i think its fair to point out that 1) she was super under the influence when that was happening which DEFINITELY is in no way an excuse for her behavior but worth remembering when trying to analyze that 2) her losing that fight did canonically have DRASTIC consequences for her and even if she didnt know exactly how that was going to turn out, i think she knew how bad it might be. and she did not know adaine or any of the bad kids were going to be there in the first place)

all that said, it feels in some ways counterproductive to say that aelwyn is an extremely devoted and protective person (yes we're getting to the paladin shit i know i've been rambling a while) but i think that thats strangely ALL WE ACTUALLY KNOW ABOUT HER. because we've established that her self-destructive and abusive behavior in s1 is almost entirely psychologically scripted for her by her parents, we dont know how much of her villain shit in s1 was LITERALLY UNDER THREAT OF DEATH because we know at least killing the oracle was and we dont know how much of the rest of it was mandated by either her parents or kalina other than that she probably was under orders not to tell adaine the truth, and we know participating in all of this caused extreme self loathing in her that she refused to show to anybody and was too terrified to act on in any way

so, like. what does that actually leave us?

here's what we do know about aelwyn:

- of all the schools of magic, she went into abjuration

- the entire bbeg plan from season 1 hinged on aelwyn's complete faith that her level 1 sister was the most prodigious diviner in the world

- right after (?) the house party, she locked her memories where only adaine could find it with a note basically saying "theres so much bad blood between us but i know only you could find this"

- she desperately wanted to protect adaine and the fact that she was too afraid to do so made her hate herself (and her knowing that adaine now knows this is the turning point in their relationship)

- despite everything, even in the nmk forest, she still loved her parents

- the SECOND she is shown genuine love and affection and care from adaine, and adaine says whatever you do, i am here with you, all her actions from there forward are just about protecting adaine from their father, very nearly at the cost of her own life

- with what she probably thought were her last words (and would have been if adaine hadnt given her the tincture), all she wanted to communicate was how to help adaine and the bad kids, and how despite everything she had always believed in her

- at five levels of exhaustion, unconscious, she used her first spell slot after nine months of torture to build a shield around adaine

NOW we get to paladin!aelwyn. because, once everything is stripped away, the abuse and the control and the maladaption and the threats and the torture, EVERYTHING we ACTUALLY can glean about aelwyn's personality and inner core is that she's protective and devoted. and of course classes arent locked by personality, but that just screams paladin to me. its her WHOLE THING. adaine even says "wizards dont have heals, we dont care about other people" and of COURSE that isnt true for either of them, but? mechanically? aelwyn chose the wizard school that DID let her protect, and DID let her help, but i dont think, at this point, going forward, thats really going to be enough for her (and we could also talk about the parallels between them, how often adaine uses her portents to help other people)

i think a lot of the different reads on aelwyn come from this fundamental disconnect between her actions and displayed personality vs who she actually is and what she actually wants. and i think there are very different interpretations of what thats going to look like for her going forward. but i think, for a girl who's most hated characteristic about herself was her self preservation at the detriment of others, her perceived selfishness, and her fear ... isn't choosing to be braver and more selfless and more protective and shedding that self-preserving instinct for the betterment of others ... and MECHANICALLY being able to act on all those things ... the logical next step? i think its going to be a LONG TIME before aelwyn can love herself, but what other way is there to try? if adaine loves her, and adaine believes she can be better, isnt being better because she trusts adaine kind of a form of self love? saying, i dont believe in myself, but i believe in the person who believes in me, and maybe, in a roundabout way, thats the same thing. she was never able to TRY to be better before, because trying to improve even a little, even when people arent watching, when a harmful force has so much power over you and your actions ... like, the mental dissonance is honestly TOO much to even try, thats WAY more terrifying than letting yourself be bad, to the point where thats psychologically impossible for a lot of people. but now she actually has space and freedom and CHOICE and she CAN embrace the instincts she always had to shove down, she CAN be the person she knows her sister needed her to be

i dont know, i think theres an inherent love letter to yourself in wanting to be better and wanting to improve, even if you justify it by saying its for someone else. and now aelwyn actually CAN improve, and thats probably going to be extremely awkward and scary and there will be set backs and backslides for sure. but. i dont know. i think she wants to make up for lost time. because she never wanted the time to be lost in the first place. and if a protector is who she always wanted to be, whats stopping her from being that now?

[cranberrybogmummy]

The afflicted gift chapter two.

Link to chapter I: http://cardboardfacewoman.tumblr.com/post/181554081647/hey-all-im-writing-some-fantasy-fiction-set-in

She felt a gentle pressure on her left shoulder, and a fluttery soft sensation of hair against her skin, it was Dolly, laying her head against Hypatia’s shoulder as she had done so many times before. She felt Dolly’s ghostly fingers on her collar bone, softly tapping. Hypatia sniffled, smiling wanly she pressed her head against the phantom body of her sister. Since Hypatia was currently in her body she could not, see Dolly or hear her but she felt her.  Hypatia fell asleep again, and dreamt deeply of her lost family, together and happy. How she wanted to stay in that dream, to sleep for days, but there was no way Hypatia could stop time, and a loud knocking at the door  woke her once more.

“Mistress Pat! Mistress Pat!” Called the voice of her housekeeper, Betty form outside the door. “There is a visitor, who says he must speak to you!”

Hypatia groaned and shouted at the door: “Tell him, I’m not receiving callers!”

“He’s from your uncle Philiscus, your trustee, you have to receive him!”

Hypatia groaned wearily and muttered the spell to unlatch the door. “You can come in Betty.”

Betty entered, she was a thin,  bespectacled, wiry woman,  with thick curling grey hair under her mop cap. She wore a dress of olive green and over it a white apron.

Hypatia reached to her left side, but Dolly’s presence was gone, she moaned softly. Betty was putting her hand on Hypatia’s head, running her fingers through her dark blonde hair.

“Oh Mistress Pat, we lost Dolly today. I went, and could hardly see the gallows for the tears in my eyes. All of us in this house want time to mourn and bury our dear Dolly,” Betty said, cradling Hypatia’s face in her hand. “It seems it ’twas just yesterday that you were but little girls, sneaking sweets, and your Father at his desk, your Mother at her loom.”

Betty broke off to cry and press Hypatia to her. They hugged and cried for a little while, then Betty gently got off the bed and went to the heavy dark wooden dresser. “Oh, you’re uncle’s man is here, what will be become of us? I hope that servant who is sat at my kitchen table picking his teeth with a knife, can tell us the reason, You’re uncle abandoned his goddaughter to be executed!”

Hypatia found the nightstand and poured out water from the basin. She washed the tears from her face and began to unbraid her hair. Betty was laying out a plain black dress with the best white lace collar, cuffs and cap. The lace collars and cuff had been her mother’s as was the dress, it smelled of camphor, cedar and dust, it had been adjusted for Hypatia, but not worn since Father died.  She was dressed, and her hair was done. in between she ate a piece of toasted bread which Betty and given her.  

“Thank you. Betty,” Hypatia said quietly. “without you and Mrs. Watson, our family would be helpless and diminished.”

“It’s just what I’m supposed to do, Mistress Pat,” Betty said with a  soft smile.

Finally they were ready to leave the room. Betty went down the stairs first and Hypatia, waited, a cold fear in her belly, then she smelled Dolly’s scent, and felt her sister’s hand in hers. Together, hand in hand they walked down the stairs.

Uncle Philiscus’s  man servant sat at the worn wooden table, in the kitchen, his boots resting on the tabletop. Mrs. Watson, round and sweet, Dolores’s nurse sat across the room from him, glaring at him and knitting. The man servant was picking his teeth with a  small knife, his clothes were mud stained and travel worn. His hair a sandy blond, short and greasy. He leered at Hypatia with his sunken green eyes and smirked. Also he had a unwashed miasma about him. Hypatia Dolly’s   on her hand tighten, she could almost feel Dolly’s nails digging into palm.

“Wainthrope, at yer service Miss.” He said his teeth were big and yellow, his eyes hungry as a starved dog.

“Take your boots off the table, and treat my house with some respect.” Hypatia said.

He smirked but did so. “I’m sorry miss, tell your maid that when a man travels as far as I’ve come, he expects a small beer and something to eat fer his trouble.”

Hypatia glowered at him. “My uncle’s letter, if you please, Wainthrope. Then I’ll see to it you are fed, impudent cur.”

Wainthrope lowered his greedy eyes and took a letter from inside his coat, and laid it on the table. Hypatia grabbed it and saw it bore the blue wax and seals of her uncle.

Now she could feel her sisters hand on her shoulder tight as a vice and almost swore she could hear Dolly’s anxious muttering.

“Leave,” Hypatia ordered.

“You said I could eat,” Wainthrope protested.

“I’ll have my housekeeper take you something outside our gate.” Hypatia said firmly.

Waintrope got up muttering something foul under his breath.  

“My sister died today, cur, you have some pluck to come here and act this way.” Hypatia growled.

Wainthrope turned back for moment. He smiled toothily  said: “I know.”

Hypatia opened her mouth to shout at him.

but he  turned back and walked out the door. The stink left with him. When he was out of sight and ear shot, Hypatia sagged, Dolly’s nervous ghostly touch was gone.

“Betty, please take him out a heel of stale bread, a mug of small beer,  the chipped mug and the  smallest greenest sausage we have.”

Betty nodded. “Aye.”

And set to work.

Mrs. Watson chuckled.

Hypatia caught herself smiling. She ran her thumb over her uncle’s seals.

“Now I shall read the letter uncle sent.” She said and left the kitchen. Dolly did not leave with her.

She went into their old sitting room, mother’s loom was covered with dust, where mother wove her spells with common thread, father’s dark wooden desk, also dusty and unused since his death five years ago.  Hypatia popped open a drawer and removed a silver bodkin, with it saying the words of the spell she opened the letter, the bodkin glowed as it ripped through the seals, one was her uncle’s sigil a cat rampant, then the other two which were magical sigils cast in wax to protect the contents of the letter. The letter, was blank, not a even a inkblot. Hypatia felt her temper swell for moment, then realized, it was enchanted.  She opened a another drawer, and took out a small glass bottle stopper’d with a  cork, inside was a powder that shimmered blue, when shook, but was dull gray when still. Hypatia took out the stopper and removed a pinch of the powder, she dusted it over the letter. Now she could see writing, but it was scrambled into nonsense words! Of course, uncle Philiscus would write in code. She took her hand and traced a pattern in the air over the letter. The words began to unscramble on the page making sense but just for a moment. She sighed, another hitch. She traced the pattern over the letter again, and held it up to the light of a distant window. NOW she could read it!

“Dear Patty,

I know my method seems dull, like non-magic folk use. But all other ways are to fraught. I do not trust the fellow that carries this letter, or anyone but you and Tom.

Your missive reached me of Dolly’s plight. Tragically the work I am engaged in was to important for me to reply or come. I attempted to send for  a fine lawyer for defend Dolly, but alas! By the time I was able to get a message to him, Lord Stedwell (your magistrate) had sentence her to hang! I loved dearest Dolly, she was the brightest flame I knew. However I cannot leave my task nor can I tell you. I recommend you come when you are able to live with myself and Tom. I will let you make the choice yourself. If you have a good, loving young man marry him. If you have a place at Fordsley sorcery college, go! I will send on your allowance, shortly. Please bury our dear Dolly with family, damn those who will try to stop it! Ye shall prevail,  my goodly niece. We shall prevail!

-Your loving uncle,

Phil.”

Hypatia sat thinking on the words, for a good space of time. She had no offers for her hand, what man would want a poor, half trained sorceress? There was Fitz… but he never made a offer, so she wasn’t sure. There was that time in the grove, where they kissed. but maybe his time at Fordsley had introduced him to finer ladies then her.  She had no place and Fordsley herself, no one had secured one for her, since places were passed down the father’s line usually… what hope did she have? Besides Dolly was dead. No matter what Dolly’ spirit, free and godless said. She could no longer stroke her sister’s hair, listen to he breathing or share the games they’d play. She’d never hear her voice in the bodied realm again. Though Dolly didn’t talk, exactly, but hearing her made Hypatia feel safe. Never again.

Mrs. Watson cautiously entered the room.

“Excuse me Miss,” She said in her soft soothing voice. “Betty’s husband and sons, have Dolly’s poor corpse with them. what should we tell them?”

Hypatia bit back her tears and summoned all her strength. “Thank them for retrieving her, before the riffraff could marr her. Tell them to bring her to great room. we are going to lay her out, and give her a proper burial.”

Mrs. Watson smiled. “Ah, Miss, that’s so wonderful of you.”

.