#saw a tweet about not letting yourself become a storage place for your pain

[a-problematic-writer]

It’s getting bad again.

Aiden knows the icky tired feeling well. It comes creeping in slowly; makes smiles last a moment shorter; makes the already short day feel impossibly longer; makes interacting with friends a chore at best and torture at worst. It’s so easy to convince himself they all hate him. It’s so easy to read between the lines of every message; so easy the question his own worth; so easy to wonder if he’s truly wanted around.

He hasn’t given in to misery yet, but positivity can only go so much longer before it starts to wilt like the flowers in his mother’s garden. Distraction works about just as well. The dreadful late night always comes bringing its worst. He’s just here now. Trying to stay afloat in a sea that’s hellbent on drowning him. He’s let it drown him before and lost more than he could handle. He still thinks about Lukas sometimes, wonders how he’s doing. Maya and Gill don’t ever talk about him.

He supposes it’s better that way.

It’s easier not to focus on them with his tentative new group of friends. Petra’s cool and Axel’s fun to talk to and Olivia’s always got a new fun fact to share and Jesse… Jesse’s one of the nicest people he’s met. It’s easy to wonder how much longer the good times will last though. In his experience, things go well for a year before falling apart and it’s almost always his fault.

He screws his eyes shut, chest aching, tears threatening to brim over for the fourth time tonight.

He needs to sleep.