#sapphy reviews game of thrones

[evilsapphyre]

Sapphy’s Spoilerific Review

Season 7 Episode 5

In case the title isn’t specific enough, this will be a very spoiler-filled review for Game of Thrones.

You have been warned!

It seems like just the other day I was writing the review for the last episode. Maybe that’s because I was. Whoops! Word of warning, strap on your seatbelts, or else you may get whiplash from the back and forth of this episode. Anyways, this newest episode answers the burning question of whether or not our noble Ser Jaime survived his drop into the seemingly endless abyss. Thanks to Bronn, Jaime has been hauled out of the waters, looking more than a little haunted by his near-death experience. Bronn quips that Jaime isn’t allowed to die until he gets his castle, but methinks that Bronn has a bit of a mancrush on his would-be dragonslaying buddy. Then again, Bronn is a heartless sellsword, so it’s probably more about the castle. One thing is certain, Bronn is correct that Cersei shall be none to happy about this turn of events. On the other side of the water, just out of sight of where they washed ashore, Tyrion is walking through the ash and carnage that was this latest Field of Fire. He’s a bit horrified at the wanton destruction that has been visited upon the land and the people that technically are his. He still is a Lannister, and those were mostly Lannister men. Nonetheless, the damage is done, and now Dany has rounded up the prisoners of those who weren’t toasted or slaughtered by her Dothraki. They’re given a simple choice… Bend the knee or burn alive. I know what I’d choose, but to be fair, I’d have probably had a heart attack at the start of the battle, if I hadn’t been killed by some enemy years early. I wouldn’t have a long life in Westeros. And neither will Sam’s brother Dickon, who elects to not bend the knee alongside his father. Tyrion makes some feeble attempts to dissuade her from burning the Tarly’s, but alas, Dany will hear none of it. So we must sadly bid adieu to Ser Sternly Tarly and his youngest son. If Sam can get rid of all those pesky vows, he may be able to actually become Lord of Horn Hill. Regardless of my speculation, the rest of the soldiers quickly fall to bended knee. Because who in their right mind after watching that wouldn’t? Back in King’s Landing proper, Jaime marches straight to Cersei, passing a bewildered looking Qyburn briefly in the hall. Jaime doesn’t stop for the pleasantries, barging straight into her room and telling her that they can’t win this war. Cersei talks about hiring more men, like the Golden Company, but Jaime again tells her that they can’t win. He also tells her that Olenna murdered Joffrey, but the only reaction that gains is that Cersei is sorry that she didn’t make Jaime torture Olenna rather than give her a swift and merciful death. Cersei then belittles her traumatized twin, calling him just a ‘soldier’, and saying that she’ll die before she surrenders. I’ll order that then. Up in the North, we watch as a murder of ravens fly from Winterfell to beyond the Wall. We get our first look of the White Walkers in several episodes, and yep, they still look pretty much the same – except the Giants seem to be at least not there now. They’re also moving South towards Eastwatch. Tormund, you can kiss your wildling self goodbye! Back at Dragonstone, Dany returns to a picturesque cliff on Drogon that Jon just happens to be brooding on. At least, that’s how it conveniently looks. Jon decides now is the time to approach the dread beast that she rides, and manages to pet Drogon. It would have been amazing if it had been maybe, I don’t know, Rhaegal that he first touched? I guess that would be too much confirmation of his heritage, and they’re trying to stay away from all that heavy-handed foreshadowing hammers… Or maybe that would have happened had Dothraki guards not interrupted this new moon-eyed session with the return of Ser Friendzone. Jon introduces himself to Jorah, as he actually knew Jorah’s dad, but Jorah is too lost in staring at the woman that he’ll never get. (Although she is very affectionate towards him this time. It is nice to see her seem truly happy and soft in that brief moment.) We take a brief detour to our wizarding school of Westeros and Sam. Old Slughorn himself is sitting with a bunch of other fellow Maesters, discussing a missive that the Maester of Winterfell sent out. Unlike another Sam in a high epic, this Sam is dropping some eaves, overhearing that Bran is back in Winterfell. He tells the Maesters that Bran has to be telling the truth, and where Slughorn gives the idea some merit, he also says it could just be a ploy from fire-roasting Dragon Queen Dany. Sam gives them an impassioned plea to actually do something, and the best Slughorn can offer is to request clarification from Winterfell. Sam leaves in a huff, unsatisfied with their tedious movement. Upon leaving, Slughorn admits that he hasn’t yet told Sam that his Dad and brother were just roasted like overgrown marshmellows! Oops! Inside the keep, Varys and Tyrion commiserate their victory with wine while trying to convince themselves that they’ve done the right thing. Varys seems to be having flashbacks to the days of King Aerys. That’s not a good sign, IMHO. Still, they decide that Tyrion just needs to find a more deft way of maneuvering their queen before she becomes fully fire mad. I think it’s a bit late. This isn’t the first time that she’s used extreme measures to show her justice, and it’s not the first time she’s used fire. Just look back to her conquests in Essos. There’s definitely a pattern starting to emerge. Varys also has a message for the King of the North, and he admits that even though it’s sealed, he’s already read it. I’d not have the Spider operating any other way. When Jon gets the message, which also tells him that both Bran and Arya are alive and back in Winterfell, Jon focuses on the true task at hand – the White Walkers. He’s had enough moon-eyed sessions and must return to his home. When Dany tries to stop him, he tells her that he wasn’t asking, and she can’t keep him. He’s still a King in his own right. She doesn’t even argue with him. However, the rest of her council decides that they can’t wait for the war in the South to end if the Night King is about to invade Eastwatch. Tyrion suggests an armistice, but they have no way to prove that the army of the dead is real. So, the brilliant (or stupid) idea of capturing a live wight is brought up. Jorah decides that he’s going to go with Jon to be Dany’s eyes in the North. Of course, they have to figure out how they’ll smuggle the undead creature into the capital, to which Tyrion looks to Davos. To prove that they can get in now, and to hopefully ensure Cersei will agree to the truce, Davos smuggles Tyrion into King’s Landing. Tyrion goes off to speak with his brother, with the help of the sellsword Bronn. Jaime doesn’t seem very happy to see his little brother, but then again, the last time he saw Tyrion, he freed his brother – only to have his brother thank him by killing their lord father. Patricide is a nasty business that can ruin families. However, Jaime does listen to Tyrion and what he has to say. I’m pretty sure that Jaime is all for a truce since he knows that they can’t win, and maybe this will let them figure out a way to disengage from this affair without being obliterated from the map. Meanwhile, Davos finds his way back to the Street of Steel, looking for a certain blacksmith that he last saw rowing away from Dragonstone after Davos freed him from Mellisandre’s clutches. The humble Gendry has been hiding away right under the nose of Cersei, even though he now knows that his Baratheon heritage was why he had to leave all those years ago. Davos tells him that it’s time for him to leave, and Gendry happily drops everything and grabs his Warhammer. He certainly looks like his father’s son there. They make it back to the boat, and they get found by a couple of guards after Gendry hides his Warhammer. Davos bribes them with some money, but then they go inquiring about what’s in the boat. Never fear, Davos planned for this possibility and loaded up his boat with fermented crab. Where that turned my stomach a bit green at that thought, the two guards not only buy the ruse, but they also sample the fare! Blech! All seems to be going well for Team Smuggler when Tyrion comes walking up to the boat. Sadly, disfigured faces of dwarves are things that two lowly gold cloaks seem to pay attention to, and they are about to blow the cover. However, thankfully, Gendry is prepared. He grabs his Warhammer, and goes smashy-smashy on those two guards. Problem solved! Up in Winterfell again, Arya and Sansa forget that years have passed and begin to bicker like they did before all these horrible things happened to their family. Why? Because Arya thinks that Sansa wants to benefit from all the death and destruction. Well, okay, she has been learning at the hands of Cersei and Littlefinger, but I don’t think Sansa is about to actually betray her family for it. However, Littlefinger seems to be aware of the possible feud and leads Arya around Winterfell on a wild goose chase. Arya thinks she’s the master spy, playing right into hands and discovering the letter that he hid in his chambers. You know, the letter Cersei coerced her into writing after King Robert died and Ned was still alive. Hopefully, the girls aren’t as stupid as Littlefinger thinks they are. Going back to Oldtown and Sam, he’s still working on all that transcription duty that Slughorn assigned to him, but it seems he has to do it while he’s off duty. As he works on writing, his sweet lady love Gilly is working on her reading skills. She’s fascinated with the details of High Septon’s Maynard’s records, with things like how many steps are in the Citadel, and how many windows the Sept of Baelor used to have. She even finds an intriguing detail about a certain Prince Rhaegar and an annulment that the High Septon performed prior to marrying Rhaegar to someone in Dorne. You know, maybe I’ll take back my statement about them laying off the foreshadowing hammer. After all, we know that Ned found his sister Lyanna in Dorne, having just birthed a child that he claimed as his own to protect the child… Of course, Sam nor Gilly realize the importance of anything she read, and Sam has a meltdown about how he’s tired of not getting the information he needs. So, the only responsible thing left for him to do is to quit wizarding school and head back to the Wall. He’ll head back to the school first and steal a bunch more rare books before he leaves. The company from King’s Landing returned back to Dragonstone, whereupon Davos stresses to Gendry that under no circumstances is he to tell anyone who he really is. After all, Gendry’s father is the person that ultimately overthrew the Dragon Queen’s father, and – unbeknownst to all – killed Jon’s actual father. Of course, Gendry listens to nothing that Davos says and upon meeting Jon blurts out who he really is. As a result, Jon and Gendry come to be fast friends. After all, Ned and Robert were fast friends, and Jon is much like his adoptive father, and Gendry is definitely a chip off the Robert block. Not wanting to dally about the island, the new friends head right back to the boats with what looks to be boxes of dragonglass to meet up with the rest of their fellowship heading to the North. Dany sees them all off, but Davos wisely keeps Gendry from approaching her. She has a sweet farewell to Ser Friendzone, which makes me wonder if his days are numbered. I mean, with the speed that he volunteered for this odd job, it makes me wonder if he dies to fulfill his promise by becoming the wight that they need to prove to everyone. Dany then says goodbye to Jon as well, complete with moon-eyes. Heading back to King’s Landing, Jaime tells Cersei of his meeting with Tyrion and the proposed armistice. She wants to know if he’s going to punish Bronn for fooling him about their intent in the bowels of the Red Keep, which puzzles Jaime. She lords over him that she’s aware of everything that happens in capital, and he best not think otherwise. However, she rapidly changes gears and drops the bombshell on him that she’s pregnant again. Excuse me while I go find a way to not vomit…. (Personally, I’m torn on whether she’s telling the truth or not. I’d like to believe it’s a firm no, but who knows with her or these writers.) Jaime, of course, starts to morph back into Pod-Jaime as he is told that she will name him the father. After all, what does the Lion care what the sheep think? I understand that Jaime wants nothing more than to be acknowledged as the father of his children, but there’s a much better candidate to play mother to his offspring. She’s in the North. He’s her fair maiden… Sadly, it seems that Jaime is stuck in Cersei’s claws for awhile longer. The best that we get is her ominous warning to never betray her again. That does seem to jolt Jaime out of his Pod-form, but will it finally have a lasting effect? Finally, we end up in Eastwatch where Tormund greets the Fellowship of the Crazy Stuid Plan. Yes, I’m disappointed to see Tormund, but it seems that the Night King and his army of the undead haven’t quite reached the castle. There’s still hope to get rid of the would-be suitor. After all, Tormund wants to be included on this crazy scheme to capture a live undead. Why should the southerners get all the fun? Oh, and while Jon is recruiting, he has some prisoners who might want to join! They go to the cells to find the Hound and the rest of the Brotherhood without Banners lounging around waiting for Jon to arrive it seems. They want to go along, but it’s quickly deduces that this strange cadre of people will have quite the interpersonal conflicts based on their collected pasts and families. That won’t deter them though, and they head out to the wilderness of the North to complete their quests… But what crazy madness awaits them? I guess we’ll find out soon. (Or I will as I am avoiding the leaks. Sorry folks!)

[evilsapphyre]

Sapphy’s Spoilerific Review

Season 7 Episode 4

In case the title isn’t specific enough, this will be a very spoiler-filled review for Game of Thrones.

You have been warned!

Okay, so I'm a bit behind.

I mean, I watched the episode when it came out a week and a half ago, but for inexcusable reasons, I failed to write my updates. My bad, my lovely people.

So, traveling back in time, in a world where we haven't seen Episode 5, we will begin!

First, we find ourselves at Highgarden. Our intrepid Ser Jaime, who seems like he may be actual Jaime and not Pod-Jaime, inspects the gold that has been taken from the now defunct House Tyrell. (RIP, Olenna, once more.) He takes a sizeable chunk to hand off to our favorite sellsword, Bronn of the Blackwater. Bronn calls Jaime out on his funky attitude, but Jaime fails to comment on it. (I highly doubt it’s because he’s mourning what Olenna did to his psycho-son Joff.) Bronn gets a good sting in about the peaceful nature of Jaime’s dear sister’s reign. Hmm, maybe that’s the real sticking point in Jaime’s craw? Anyways, we cut back to King’s Landing where Cersei is still wooing the skeevy guy from the Iron Bank. It’s all – money, money, money. He again lavishes Cersei with praise about how she is truly Tywin’s heir. You can smell the false flattery from the other side of the television. After all, he’s trying to butter her up to borrow more money, so they can collect more interest. Oh, and she brings up the Golden Company with him. Because nothing but the best hired swords to help defeat your enemies. (Again, I doubt that the significance of the Golden Company from the books will translate to the show, on account of the fact that they don’t really go into any of the Blackfyre conspiracies.) Up in Winterfell, Meera comes to say goodbye to Bran, who continues his newfound laconic nature to upset his would-be girlfriend. She accuses him of not caring about anything, and confirms that by admitting that he’s dead inside. Littlefinger interrupts their break-up, and Meera runs off back to her family in The Neck. Littlefinger tries to bribe Bran with a shiny dagger that once upon a time was used to try and kill him. Bran then unnerves Littlefinger, maybe, by quoting his words that he said to Varys years ago “Chaos is a ladder”. Meanwhile, also in Winterfell, Arya returns home, only for none of the new guards to believe her when she says who she is. It doesn’t help that she’s not really in the know of the who’s who of Winterfell these days, except that her brother Jon is supposed to be King. When she learns Sansa is in charge while Jon is away, she is able to use that information to get at least into the Courtyard, but Tweedle Dee and Dum guarding her don’t pay very good attention to her, and she slips away. The guards report this to Sansa, and she is able to deduce from Arya’s outdated knowledge that it is likely her sister, and knows where to find her. And of course, Arya is exactly there, in the crypts, staring at a statue of their father. The sisters bicker in jest before embracing. Both evade details of what they have gone through, but Arya does confess to having some kind of murder bucket list. Sansa doesn’t believe her, but when they go to visit Bran under the Weirwood tree, Bran confirms that it’s actually real. (Sorry, Sansa, your siblings did get a bit weird in their abroad studies.) Bran also bestows the dagger on Arya before all three return back to the castle proper. Brienne and Podrick watch them from across the courtyard, and Pod tells Brienne, “Job well done!” Of course, Brienne is all humble, and truthful in admitting that she didn’t really do much for two-thirds of the Stark Bunch, but at least this time, she doesn’t dispute being called a Lady. Over in Dragonstone, Dany and Missandei are having some much-needed girltalk. I guess? I don’t know. I’m not really one to share those kinds of personal details with my boss, or even my friends. It’s called TMI for a reason. Anyways, Jon thankfully interrupts them and takes Dany to the Cave of Wonder… I mean, Dragonglass. After she gets over the shock of seeing all the shiny black rock, Jon points out all the painstakingly drawn carvings amongst them. Since Jon isn’t covered in white chalk, or rock dust, I’m guessing that he didn’t draw them. Which is a shame. That would have been pretty damn funny. Anyways, Dany stares at awe in the drawings, especially the very good rendition of the White Walkers, and she almost seems convinced. Almost. She even stares at Jon with moon eyes as she tells him that she’ll defend the North. Once he bends the knee. It’s back to the same old song and dance, even if she tries to appeal to Jon by saying don’t let his pride kill a bunch of people. It resonates with him since he once said the same thing to another would-be King, but it’s also kind of a pot meet kettle moment. They leave the cave to find out the bad news from Casterly Rock and the Reach. Dany’s no longer feeling so moon-eyed, but she wants Jon to give her some advice, and he does. Whether she’s going to listen to him… Well, who knows?

Circling back to Winterfell, we’re treated to more Brienne. And without Tormund leering at her! She’s continuing to school Pod on the art of swordsmanship when Arya decides that she wants to have some training lessons too. After all, she wants to learn from the woman who beat the Hound. Brienne obliges her, but first tells her that Needle is too small. Arya’s bravado from Bravos comes roaring out when she promises to not cut Brienne. It’s easy to tell that Brienne is holding back at first, but when Arya starts showing off and annoying her with her water dancing skills, Brienne kicks Arya square in the chest and off her feet. It’s on like Donkey Kong then, and Arya’s ferocity comes out for all to see, including her sister Sansa and Littlefinger who have stopped along the battlements to watch. The sparring comes to a draw, and can I point out that Arya pulled out the Valyrian steel dagger on Brienne? Brienne wasn’t using Oathkeeper, clearly. It’s just a bit odd that she’d draw a blade like that on Brienne, even if she did turn it away. Despite my tiny bit of ire there, the sparring scene is fun to watch, even if Sansa didn’t agree. I’m not sure if she’s worried about her sister, or worried that her sworn knight may be serving her sister as well. Littlefinger seems to be enjoying the possible division though.

We cut back to Dragonstone where Davos and Jon are talking about Dany’s many obvious qualities. They ask Missandei some questions about Dany, and she paints a pretty picture of the life Dany has secured for at least Missandei. Their conversation is interrupted by Theon, who gets the same treatment as every other male (save Tyrion) who has come in contact with his sister Sansa lately. I wish that he would have actually brought up Theon’s awful betrayal of Robb. You know, Robb. The brother that died at the Red Wedding. (I miss you, Robb!) Theon wants to talk to Dany about rescuing his sister, but apparently Dany’s not home….

Speaking of home, Jaime’s almost back to his second home, King’s Landing. Lord Sternly Tarly lets Jaime know that all the gold has made it into the city, and oh yeah, can he flog the stragglers? Jaime tells him, no, best not without warning, and Sternly rides off muttering to himself about having no fun. Bronn makes fun of Dickon’s name, just like a twelve year old, but the rest of the conversation is cut short by the sound of encroaching thunder. Wait, that’s not thunder, it’s a Dothraki Horde!

And here come Dany on Drogon!

I must say, that I was gripped by this battle. My firm adoration of Jaime (thanks to his book character) had me still rooting for his side as the dragon-poser-wyvern roasted his troops and supplies. Except, I love dragons, and even though Drogon is a poser, this was the kind of dragon versus an army scene that I’ve yearned to see. I was right there with Jaime and Bronn, and I was there with Dany as she swooped around on her child. I was even worried for Drogon when he took the bolt to his shoulder.

But then all bets were off when Jaime charged at Dany after she was grounded. What the hell are you doing, Jaime?!?!?! You can’t do this! It’s suicide! THINK OF BRIENNE FOR GOD’S SAKE!!

At the last second, Bronn knocks Jaime away before Drogon can roast him alive, knocking him into the river… And Jaime starts to sink to his presumable death.

I’ll admit, even though I feel Jaime has so much more story to give, that I’m fearful for him. What if they felt that this was a fitting end? What if there is no more Jaime? What if Brienne ends up with Tormund?!

I just… I’m distraught just thinking about it.

Sunday better rush it’s ass here!

[evilsapphyre]

Sapphy’s Spoilerific Review

Season 7 Episode 1

In case the title isn’t specific enough, this will be a very spoiler-filled review for Game of Thrones. 

You have been warned!

Welcome back to HBO and Westeros. It's been a long 13 months or so. But finally, we can find out what is in store for our intrepid heroes, and villains, and people we just kind of wish would stop existing.

After a lengthy previous on, we open at The Twins, with another feast hosted by... Walder Frey? Wait, didn't he get his throat slit after eating pie made of his sons. Apparently, he gathered all his sons to feast them again… And he wants them to eat and drink and be merry. Mostly. He still has his dislike of them women of his.

Of course, his actual speech seems a bit strange, almost like he's not really himself. And sure enough, as they all drink their poisoned wines, Arya rips off her Walder suit to watch them die too. And as the women stare on in horror, she tells them to spread the word - The North Remembers.

Yep, you better believe it, bitches! (Someone from the North had to!)

We then head beyond the Wall, where, in case we forgot, the White Walkers are coming. And if that’s not terrifying enough (and it's a really gorgeous shot over snow with mist), there are at least 3 undead Giants! Oh snap! If only they hadn't wasted the last living Giant on getting back Winterfell from Ramsey. RIP Wun-wun!

It seems we get that vision courtesy of Bran and his ever-flowing weirwood wifi connection. Thankfully, Meera saw Wonder Woman this Summer and dragged Bran to safety, as IIRC, Uncle Benjen left them quite a hike away from the gate. Lord Commander Dolorous Edd greets the wayward pair at the gate, wanting to know if they are wildlings. Meera introduces them, but the new LC is rather doubtful. Rather than prove who they are, Bran just states all he's ever seen about Edd, and they are admitted back to the proper North… south of the Wall.

Up next, we find ourselves in Winterfell. Jon is being all Kingly, dictating orders on how they are going to get ready for the coming War. He wants all their dragon glass, and beyond that all able bodied man, woman, and child will prepare for the upcoming war. What, women can't, or shouldn't, fight?! Old School Northern Man tries to claim (in front of Brienne no less!).

Fortunately, we still have hope for Westeros. And to continue making old men look dumb, young Lyanna Mormont slaps him (and any other male daring to think like that ) verbally upside their heads. I'm pretty sure that she’s the true leader of Westeros. I wonder how long it will take the rest of the Queens to realize it?

All hail Lyanna, first of Her Name.

What will Ser Friendzone do when he finds his baby sister on the Iron Throne?

Anyways, I digress!

Jon asks Tormund and the Wildlings to man Eastwatch by the Sea! Good riddance, I say! Tormund needs to go far away from my Brienne, as she awaits her maiden fair. Tormund must realize he’ll never have her and agrees to his suicide mission. (Not before a later scene with a lustful sigh from the Wildling as Brienne tries to dissuade his advances by beating up on Pod.)

Next, Jon needs to handle business regarding the family holds of the Umbers and Karstarks. He wants the families to keep them. Old School Lord wants to destroy them. Sansa pipes up and wants to reward faithful houses with the new keeps. Jon and her bicker in front of the Lords, and it is clear she wishes she was in charge. Jon finally slaps her down with his stern voice, reminding her that HE is king. He asks tiny Lord Umber and Alice Karstark (uhm, why isn't Tormund all about her? He married her in the books) to say the words. And that was the end of that squabble.

Except Sansa and him keep squabbling once they leave the meeting. He tells her plainly to not undermine him in front of the lords. And she whines about not being able to voice her opinion. Now I'm all about female empowerment, but there is a time and place for voicing opinions. Apparently, she forgot. Much like she forgot about telling Jon about the Vale Knights last season.

Anyways, she practically calls him Joffrey because he doesn't want people to see him bicker in public with people. Because it does undermine his authority. He's appalled at the comparison, but she quickly recants saying he's a good ruler. The conversation turns towards Sansa feeling they're looking the wrong way for War. They should be looking South. She diatribes about how awful and cunning Cersei is, but Jon says he knows how bad the real threat is. Plus, no Southern army could last in their Winter. After all, they're Siberia.

He also points out how Sansa seems to admire Cersei.

Which segues us to King's Landing... and Cersei walking across a huge painted floor map of Westeros. Jaime follows her and establishes that he may still be pod-Jaime. (BOOO!) I'm also sensing a theme of bickering siblings as the two are squabbling over things like... how many Kingdoms and dynasties.

Jaime is more sensible than Cersei pointing out that they essentially have no allies (especially since the report out of the Twins has come down) and that all of their children are dead. There's no one left for a dynasty.Especially since Cersei disregards her other brother who she knows is Hand of the Queen for Dany. That only makes her seethe more, and she throws that in Jaime's face.

And really, don't get me started on pod-Jaime and how he wanted to talk about losing their baby boy. He knew King Butters killed himself, so does he know his sister went all Mad King on Sept of Baelor? (Hint: The only acceptable answer is HELL NO! Otherwise, she'd be dead.)

Anyways, when discussing all of their enemies, there are two major foreshadowing hammers: Highgarden, home to the Queen of Thorns, has all the food, and Dany will land on Dragonstone. All the more reason that they need allies in this upcoming war. Cersei points out that she does have an ally in mind, and she learned quite a bit from her father. (Doubtful!)

Enter Euron Greyjoy and the Ironborn fleet, looking for love in all the wrong places. There is an overly machismo display by Euron as he tries to display his plumage for Cersei. He paints a picture of how they were both betrayed by family who defected to the Targs. He makes a few promises and then proposes marriage. After all, he has two good hands. (Pod-Jaime pantomimes quite well in the scene, offering to stick him with his sword.) She declines him, but he says he'll prove he’s worthy and leaves.

We move to Oldtowne and the Citadel, where Sam… Has become an indentured servant of the Maester Order. If we weren't sold on how awful his "tutelage" is, we are given a lengthy montage where he puts away books, cleans filthy shit-filled chamber pots, and pours soup that looks quite like the shit in the pots. Blech! He wants to desperately get into the restricted book section, but he sadly doesn't have a Cloak of Invisibility like a different would be wizard in another series. So instead, he heads off to speak with Ol' Slughorn himself.

Slughorn gives him some advice on what it really means to be a Maester, and how impartial they should be. He reminds them that even in the darkest of hours, ages of ago, people succeeded, and so they will again. But he still can't have access to the books. I mean, horcruxes and all. So, Sam steals the key, steals a bunch of books, and goes back to his Wildling baby mama and kid. He then discovers that Stannis told him the truth about there being a bunch of Dragon Glass on Dragonstone. We also get one brief glimpse of Ser Friendzone, who managed to get to Oldtowne in search of a cure. He's still hung up on Dany too. Even as he turns to stone.

The Hound and the Brotherhood are still moving towards the North. It's snowing pretty hard in the Riverlands, and their banter is kind of boring. (To me anyways.) However, they come across the cottage where The Hound stole the silver of the kindly farmer who helped him and Arya years ago. He wants to be a better guy, and now he has guilt for the fact that he may have killed these people - indirectly.

The Hound has a funny comment about how he ended up with a cult of fire worshippers, but he sees the power of the fire when Beardy McTopknot tells him to. And it works just like that, as Clegane sees the upcoming icy death of the North. If that didn't bond them, Beardy McTopknot and Clegane also bury the dead farmer and his kid in the middle of the night.

Arya and Sansa are spotted each in different scenes. Arya stumbles across some Lannister soldiers, and she does the age old "Tell them the truth" after she befriends them, but they just laugh at her comment about killing the Queen. For a moment, she looked like she would kill these soldiers, but she hasn't become a full sociopath yet clearly. (Although, props to them for singing the song that the musician wrote in the books about Shae.) Sansa has a small chat with Baelish, and I'm sure it leads somewhere, but I wish she would decide who she is supporting - even if it's herself. This waffling of hers... It's getting old! Prove you've learned the game by doing something that will actually accomplish something. (And if you want to top Cersei, just side with Littlefinger long enough to get what you want and then dispose of him.)

Finally, we come to Dragonstone, where Dany has finally come home!

There's not much to say other than that this is a beautiful sequence, and they spared no expense on this set. Nothing is said, and really, it would have taken away if people said anything. And can I just say that the throne at Dragonstone is like so much more awesome than the damn Iron Throne? Sign me up for the interior (and exterior) decorator. I could use some dragon accents around my house.

That pretty much encapsulates the episode. Tune in next week to see what happens next As Westeros Turns.

[evilsapphyre]

Sapphy’s Spoilerific Review

Season 7 Episode 2

Same game as last week, this is a very heavy-filled spoiler review of the latest Game of Thrones episode. As always, it is told in a tongue-in-cheek style, and with my specific preferences.

We’ve returned to Westeros this week, starting with Dany. It’s like we hardly missed a beat from the end of the previous episode.

It’s storming like a hurricane is slamming into the shores of Dragonstone, and it’s hard to miss the mirror of the fact that Dany is known as the Stormborn, for being born during a storm just like this, at this very island. If for some reason you weren’t aware of this fact, Tyrion pipes up to let us know the same.

Dany is already tired of being just in Dragonstone. I guess after spending a couple of years sacking Yunkai and Mereen, she’s ready to start her march towards King’s Landing. Tyrion is cautioning against a direct sailing to the shores of the Capital, after all, she doesn’t want to be Queen of the Ashes, not when she’s trying to win the people. She needs more allies, more than the just the ones that Varys has brought her.

She turns to thank him, but instead, she decides it’s time for an Inquisition! For no one should expect that now! Varys certainly is caught off guard by the tirade of very pointed questions that make him seem rather traitorous. But, let’s be real. He has served at least four regents who claimed to be the rightful ruler of Westeros, and he played a part in the attempted assassination of Dany and her unborn son.

However, Varys points out very plainly that he has, and always will be, on the side of the people - and the common people. Kings come and go, but the people are what is important. Dany decides to grant him mercy, but she tells him that this time - if he feels she is failing the people - that he come to her. Otherwise, she will burn him alive.

Which that’s a feat that her newest guest will love. Mellisandre does enjoy roasting people alive in the fire of her God. Most everyone in Dany’s entourage is wary of Mellisandre, but Dany decides that the evening is for mercy. Mellisandre is here because she’s looking for the “prince” who is promised, since Stannis is dead and - well there could be multiple players to play the prince. She does still believe in Jon, but she decides that his story is his tell. That’s nice. Resurrection could be a very sticky and personal business. Tyrion urges Dany to summon Jon, as he has great respect for Jon. Dany only wants Jon if he will come to bend the knee though.

In the day of rapid raven deliveries, Tyrion’s message arrives in Winterfell already. Davos, Sansa and Jon discuss the details of the message. Tyrion doesn’t demand that Jon bend the knee, but he casually drops the mention of his armies and dragons. Davos points out that dragon fire could be really useful against an army of undead weak against fire. But they make no decision on what to do next.

We cut to Cersei who is trying to turn Tyrell banner man against Tyrell by speaking of foreign invaders. Sam’s stern dad is there, Lord Sternly Tarly. It also appears that Dickon has been recast, or he was just really forgettable from last year. Sternly points out the dragon problem, and Qyburn talks about how they are working to solve that. The people are dismissed and Jaime follows after Sternly, wanting to thank him for coming to the summons. Sternly points out that Cersei has a tendency to blow up her enemies, illustrating why he arrived. (And Pod-Jaime does nothing and bats no eyes.) Jaime then goes on to try and persuade Sternly to the Lannister cause. Jaime wants Sternly to turn against the Queen of Thorns, his liege lord. He plays the foreign card again, and promises Sternly the Warden of the South position if he does. It’s not so subtly hinted that they may be eyeing an attack at Highgarden.

Ser Friendzone still has greyscale, but Slughorn and Sam are treating him. Well, Slughorn is just giving him the bad news that Ser Friendzone is well and truly screwed. Sam wants to try and cure him, but Slughorn rebuffs him. As they are leaving Ser Friendzone to hopefully commit seppuku, Sam learns that this is the long lost son of the former Lord Commander. (Well, the former former, since technically Jon is now the first former Lord Commander.)

Back in King’s Landing, Cersei and Qyburn are in the dungeons with the dragon skulls. This is a blasphemous scene, or it would be if these were real dragons and not wyvern pretenders. Qyburn has learned that piercing damage can wound the “dragons”, and he desecrates Balerion the Dread’s skull with a ballista bolt. I hope the Mountain pulls him apart before they all die in King’s Landing. Dragon pretenders or not, don’t desecrate the skull of one of the fiercest creatures to ever exist. I hope you get dismembered and burn in the varying levels of hell for this injustice.

We cut back to Dragonstone, where there is nothing but arguing going on. Ellaria and Yara/Asha want to invade King’s Landing. Olenna doesn’t like what she’s hearing. Tyrion proposes that the Tyrells and the Dornish will lay siege to King’s Landing while the Unsullied take Casterly Rock. After all, he figures his sister is trying to win people to her side by talk of foreign invaders. Yara and Ellaria will work with this plan, but Dany wants to speak with the Queen of Thorns. Olenna gives Dany a word of advice, to not trust clever men like Tyrion. Be a dragon, not a sheep.

And…. Then a pointless romance. I get it. They want to show that the Unsullied can be more than just eunuchs, but I don’t need Grey Worm and Missandei’s romance played out in vivid glory. Like seriously, this adds nothing to the overall story for me. It’s touching, but it could have been beautiful and poignant for their “romance” without sexualizing it.

Back to Sam, he’s trying to convince Slughorn to do this advanced cure on Ser Friendzone, but he’s told no again. Using the same courage that let him steal his father’s greatsword (which lays forgotten for now), Sam goes to Ser Friendzone to perform a cure - even though it could get him kicked out and possibly infect Sam with greyscale as well. In a gratuitous display of gore, we’re treated to just how Sam is trying to cure him.

Which segues into some men eating pie, and I’ll spare you the visual that we were treated as an illusion to what the pie was. But since it’s pie, that could only mean one thing - Hot Pie is back. Because we all missed him and besieged the show to bring him back…. We do get another Arya sighting, and she eats like quite the pig as she catches up with her old friend. She learns from him though that her family has retaken Winterfell, and she has to make a choice: South for vengeance, or North for family.

Back in Winterfell, Jon receives word from Sam about the dragon glass on Dragonstone. He brings it to the gathered lords of the North, and he advises them that he is going to speak with Dany and request her aid. No one is happy, as almost everyone says not to trust a Targaryen or a Lannister. His Lords beg him to stay and be the King in the North, and Jon reminds him that he is King and will do what is best for the North. This is what is best.

Sansa keeps at him, again in front of his lords. She tells him he can’t leave the North, as he’d be abandoning them all. He tells her that he’s leaving everything in good hands, hers. Which… I don’t know how I feel about that. Hopefully Sansa will prove to be a just ruler, but Littlefinger is still there.

And now he’s creeping on Jon in the crypts under Winterfell. Jon ain’t having none of that. He tells Littlefinger he doesn’t belong down there, and Baelish tries to spin it on how he wants to speak privately. He tries to twist things to make himself look good, bringing up how he loves Sansa. Which was the wrong thing to Sansa, as Jon slams Littlefinger against a wall and threatens him if he should ever touch Sansa.

So, I’m going to guess Littlefinger is going to press Sansa to stage a coup while Jon is treating with Queen Dany.

Arya seems to have chosen to head North, and she’s camping by herself in wolf infested woods. Even her horse is uneasy. Unsurprisingly, but joyous anyways, the wolves led by Nymeria close in on Arya. There’s a very bittersweet almost reunion between wolf and girl. It’s good to see one of the last two direwolves still alive. And I’ll admit to tearing up when Nymeria and Arya part ways again.

Oh look, it’s the Sand Snakes. I don’t see the Most Beautiful Woman in the world, but gosh, they cut away from the Snakes fast enough to Ellaria and Yara in the Captain’s quarters. It seems that Dornish are being ferried to the siege at King’s Landing. There is some shameless flirting going on between Yara and Ellaria while Theon stares on awkwardly. He’s used to watching sex with sister-like figures after his stint in Winterfell. We’re spared the sex as someone seems to be attacking the fleet!

It’s Euron. In a very chaotic ship battle, we watch as Euron kills two of the Sand Snakes. His men find Ellaria with her third daughter, and eventually they take the two of them. Euron and Yara face off against one another, but even she gets captured by him. Theon has a moment to decide to fight his uncle and try to save his sister… Or jump off the side of the ship apparently.

I know Ramsey broke him, but it would have been nice to see a bit of iron in him again. Hopefully, Theon will have a purpose for living through this. As it is, Euron captures Yara, Ellaria, and one Sand Snake. My guess is that this will be his gift to Cersei.

[evilsapphyre]

Sapphy’s Spoilerific Review

Season 7 Episode 6

In case the title isn’t specific enough, this will be a very spoiler-filled review for Game of Thrones.

Well, what the fuck.

That’s my mindset after that episode. 

What. The. Fuck.

So, let’s just skip right ahead into the continuing longshot of the opening credits as the camera sweeps over the Painted Table to where Eastwatch sits on it, making it a simple segue to the Fellowship of the Crazy Stupid Idea. Because seriously, the idea to capture a wight, is fucking stupid. Just in case I didn’t make that painfully clear in my last update. 

Also, it’s amusing to me that the Fellowship is made of seven named characters plus five red shirts. If you’re hip to the know of book lore, there’s some symmetry that you can argue with the legend of the Last Hero of the Long Night who travelled with his twelve companions. Just keep that in mind for later in the episode.

The journey to wherever they are going to travel starts off well enough, under bright and clear blue skies. The men banter amongst themselves as they walk, trudging forwards to Icy Mount Doom. Gendry lets loose his anger towards Beardy McTopnot and the Undead Lightning Lord about how they sold him to the Red Woman. Gendry doesn’t help his plight by telling them that the Red Woman stripped him and tied him to a bed. He’s also told that he’s not dead, so to stop whining about it. I must say, I have missed the gruff and brutal honesty of the Hound. He’s like the voice of reason that we never realized that we needed. Since it seems to be a long journey, we cut to another important dialogue also involving The Hound. Apparently, he has the most to say on this journey. 

Next up is a conversation with my least favorite person to get screen time of late, Tormund of the Bear Fuckery. (Okay, I don’t hate Tormund as a character, except for whenever he looks at Brienne or talks about her.) So Tormund starts to wax poetic about this beauty of his that is madly in love with him to The Hound. Based on the description, Sandor can easily deduce that he is speaking of Brienne, the woman who bested him and left him for dead back in the Riverlands. Tormund’s eyes light up, and for a second, it looks like Sandor wants to backhand him for being with that woman. But, Tormund at least admits that he hasn’t won her over, and that she is waiting for him back in Winterfell. (Which she isn’t.) And they’ll have monstrous babies that will take over the world…. And just stop. Really. Just fucking stop. Which, The Hound reads my mind and basically tells Tormund the same thing. 

Tormund also has a talk with Jon, that thankfully does not have anything to do with his unrequited crush on Brienne. They talk of Mance, and how Mance never knelt. Tormund talks about how Mance should have based on what he knows now. It seems important for them to point that out this early in the episode. Maybe Jon is going to be a kneeler after all. (Tormund also has a few jabs about how Winterfell is part of the South too early on.)

Finally, the last conversation between the groups of note is between Jon and Jorah, in a topic that I think would have come up sooner, but hey, better late than never. Jon takes off Longclaw and offers it back to Ser Friendzone, who looks at it with longing and regret, just not quite to the same level that he reserves from his Queen. He then hands the sword back to Jon, stating that it was given to him and that he hopes it will serve Jon and his sons well in the future. And, as I said at this point during my viewing, farewell Ser Friendzone. I feel your time is nigh.

We’ll come back to the North towards the end, but first, we’ll cut to Dragonstone. Tyrion and Dany are fretting at first over the stupid idiots that went North. Too bad she didn’t protest more about how stupid their idea is, and that maybe they shouldn’t do it. After all, heroic men tend towards a heroic death. Tyrion astutely points out that Jon fits that same model, and that she’s falling for him. She protests, but not very much. The conversation steers towards the armistice. Both Tyrion and Dany are trying to figure out how Cersei will betray them, as they expect that’s the only outcome that could come. Tyrion tells her that they have to think like their enemy if they want to win, and then it steers towards how Cersei rules with fear, and Aegon ruled with fear. Fear is the wheel, and Dany can’t rule with Fear if she is going to break the wheel. While discussing that, Tyrion also mentions that she needs to name an heir since she can’t have an heir. She won’t listen to it, not until she has her crown. (There’s also a point where Tyrion tells her that she needs to keep her temper, and not burn her enemies - and I’m surprised her glare didn’t burn him.)

In Winterfell, we’re given more of the Arya/Sansa show who are bickering like Season 1 still, except now they're adults, and Arya is a scary person. After Arya tells Sansa about this story of their father watching her shoot an arrow over and over again until she hit the bullseye, she informs Sansa that she has the letter she wrote Robb all those years ago. Some of the old wounds are bared for both to see regarding how their father died, and we as the audience know both sides of the story. It plays out now that Arya just has an axe to grind in Sansa’s head, and well, she at least doesn’t have the actual axe yet. 

Sansa talks to Littlefinger some time later about the very same thing, and how she has all these lords that support her, but if they found out about that letter? She seems genuinely distraught at the idea, but Littlefinger is all about trying to take advantage of this situation. He suggests that Brienne might have to protect one of the sisters if things don’t improve. After all, she’s sworn to protect both daughters, and if one wanted to hurt the other… It’s more seeds, but it seems clumsy. I think they don’t know what to do with Littlefinger anymore.

Which they seem to be grasping at what to do with Brienne as well. Apparently, Sansa is going to send her south to King’s Landing for the meeting with Cersei. Sansa says she’s not stupid enough to walk into Cersei’s grasp again, and Brienne will be a fine enough person to treat in her stead. And she even name drops Jaime there for Brienne, which I’m at least down with that. However, Brienne doesn’t want to leave Sansa, especially with Littlefinger still there. Sansa will hear none of it, telling Brienne she doesn’t need protection, and she better hurry - even turning away the offer to leave Podrick behind. And given that Sansa burned the letter, something seems off about the scene. But hey, maybe Sansa’s spies beyond the wall heard that Tormund was hopeful that Brienne was waiting for him, and Sansa knowing where Brienne’s true love lies, sent Brienne south to rescue her fair Jaime.

Wrapping things up in Winterfell, Sansa goes snooping in her sister’s room. What could go wrong with rifling through her angry and murder happy younger sister’s stuff? Of course, she’s looking for the letter, and when she finds a bag under the bed, she discovers - not the letter - but a bunch of faces. She’s made of much sterner stuff than I now, as I’m fairly certain I’d be screaming if I found a bag of faces tucked under my brother’s bed. Arya comes strolling in, and she decides it’s time to play the lying game (not to be confused with the crying game). Sansa demands to know what the hell is going on with the faces, and Arya goes into cryptic lies about wanting to be Sansa. All she needs to do is take her face, which she emphasizes with by playing with the Valyrian steel dagger. She then hands Sansa the dagger and leaves.  It seems to me with the way she goes on in this scene, that maybe Arya has been playing the game with Sansa all along. After all, that would explain all her really odd behavior, in her other scenes. I just don’t know if Sansa would be aware. I think it’s plausible that Sansa and Arya are both playing the games on how to beat Littlefinger the way they know how, but they are unaware of how the other is doing it. Perhaps Sansa getting Arya’s dagger now is a way for Arya to later claim Sansa’s face (which I don’t think the person has to be dead to claim their face) so she can get close to Littlefinger.

Back in the North, the Dumb Ass Fellowship of the North Excursion, find themselves in blizzard like conditions now. Up ahead, the first red shirt bites it as they are besieged upon by an undead polar bear. RIP, lowly red shirt wildling. The group bands together, doing what they can to fight off the bear, but not without some additional cost. The bear latches onto Beardy McTopknot, ripping into his chest. The others stab him with flaming weapons, so it’s a great big flaming bear, which causes the Hound to be paralyzed with fear. Fortunately for Beric, and the others, Thoros does not die, and Beric cauterizes the wound with his flaming sword.

Once the weather clears, the Fellowship finds themselves nearing the point of Icy Mount Doom, which The Hound points out. In a nearby ravine, they spy some of the undead traveling so they concoct the plan in which they will lure the undead so they can capture one. And from there, it’s on. They light a simple campfire, and a group of wights with one White Walker arrives. The Fellowship springs their trap, and they try to fight the wights without killing them. Jon takes on the White Walker, killing it, and all but one of the wights are instantly slain along with it. They subdue the last wight quickly, but it becomes apparent that this was nothing more than trap-ception, as the Night’s King unveils his trap for them. Gendry gets voluntold that he will run back to Eastwatch and send for help, and oh, by the way, they’re keeping his hammer. So, run Gendry, run. While he is running, the others run in the opposite direction, giving him time to break away. They cross some thin ice, barely making it to a rocky outcropping in the center of a lake before they are surrounded by the undead. It seems for now that they have to hope Gendry makes it to Eastwatch before he is killed.

And fortune is with the brave and stupid heroes, as Gendry collapses just outside the gate to the Wall. He tells Davos that they need to get word to Dany about what happened, and then we see Dany getting word in Dragonstone the next morning where she is about to fly off her all her dragons to save the idiots. So, this is good. She can end this now with all three dragons, as she can toast the Night King from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.

The Fellowship mostly survived through the night, but it seems that the combination of the cold and the wounds spell the end of Beardy McTopknot. I guess he doesn’t get the same gift of eternal warmth like his Priestess sister, Mellisandre. RIP Thoros of Myr, we’ll miss your drunken happiness. Jon tells them they have to burn the body, and so at least for now, they’ll have some warmth for a bit.

The Hound gets bored waiting for the Dragon Queen, so he beings to chuck rocks at the undead. Which is amusing after the first throw, but then the second alerts the undead that the ice is now frozen enough for them to walk on it again. So now it’s time to eat the rest of our heroes. The remaining red shirts are quickly picked off, and we almost -almost- lose Tormund. (I was both scared and elated to see him possibly die. Like I said, I like Tormund. Just not his obsession with Brienne.) Just as it seems all hope is lost, Dany arrives with all three of her dragons, burning the undead in huge strafes. She then lands Drogon for all the Fellowship to climb on board - and all climb on board - except for Jon. Jon is torn between buying them more time, and maybe doing something stupid like going after the Night King.

The Night King decides to show off his athleticism, taking out an ice javelin and throwing it at Viserion who is still strafing. And GOD DAMNIT NIGHT KING! I MAY POKE FUN AT THE WYVERN-POSERS, BUT YOU DON’T KILL THE DRAGONS!! *sobs* WHY!?!?!?!

Apparently, the javelin is of Dragon’s Bane with True Aim cast upon it as it strikes Viserion in what must be the fire bladder. It erupts in his neck, blood gushing from the wound…

AND FUCK YOU! HOW COULD YOU KILL THAT POOR CREATURE?!? *more sobbing*

And Viserion falls into the lake, sliding under the water as a corpse- his brothers screeching in anguish.

FUCK YOU!

I CAN’T HANDLE THE MOURNING CRIES OF DRAGONS!

Jon seems emboldened with anger at the sight of the dead dragon, and I can’t say that I blame him. I want to kill the Night King for killing Viserion. Of course, he does indicate for Dany to leave with the others, as he is about to get overrun. As he falls into the lake himself, being dragged under, Dany and Drogon fly off with Rhaegal close at hand. As they disappear into the horizon and the Night King begins to leave, Jon reemerges from the lake, somehow, with all his furs and armor drenched. He grabs his sword and seems intent to continue his vendetta against the Night King, but suddenly a rider appears, wielding a flaming flail, or censer. It’s Benjen, aka Coldhands and I wonder if that is somehow Jon’s 12th companion on his first foray beyond the Wall? It would make sense, even if it seems a deus ex machina style event. He sticks Jon on his horse and sends him away, as he gets ripped apart by the undead.

Back at the Wall, Dany stands vigil on the Wall. Some may claim that she’s watching for Jon, but I think she’s looking for Viserion. She’s in shock, not wanting to admit that one of her children has been killed in front of her eyes. She scans the horizon looking for a sign of her child to return to her, but instead, the horn sounds, and they see the lone rider - Jon. He gets scooped up by Davos and company, and put on a ship promptly, the same one that Sandor at least is taking to King’s Landing with their still functioning wight. Jon is stripped of his frozen clothes, and Dany sees his scars firsthand, including his stab wound to the heart. Maybe Davos wasn't using a figure of speech. When he awakens, he has a touching scene with Dany. They hold hands, she pledges herself and her assets to his war, and he figuratively bends the knee. Sansa will be mad. 

But not as mad as me when I watch the fucking Night King have his men drag Viserion’s body from the lake with giant chains. He then walks up and lays a hand on the snout - only for Viserion to open a bright blue eye. 

So, fuck you once more, Night King. 

Instead of being delighted that Brienne and Jaime may finally reunite, I'm terrified at the prospect of an undead dragon wreaking havoc over the lands. 

Guess I'll have to see how things go on Sunday. For now, I'll just continue to cry myself asleep.

[evilsapphyre]

Sapphy’s Spoilerific Review

Game of Thrones: Season 7 Episode 3

As with the last two weeks, this is a review of the latest episode with spoilers, as indicated with the title. Ye have been warned.

Welcome back to As Westeros Turns, where plot lines are moving along at breakneck speed, and people are moving about the country as if thousand of miles didn’t separate certain points. Sure, it’s nice to be spared the countless and pointless hours of travel, but it’s a bit jarring nonetheless.

Anyways, Jon, who was just in the North has already made it to White Harbor, and now to Dragonstone. A slightly terse reunion between Jon and Tyrion happens, where they exchange basic insults for how they are viewed by others. Missandei requests that they turn over their weapons, and of course, Jon agrees. It makes sense, but with as small of an entourage that arrived from the North, it seems slightly foolish to walk into a dragon’s mouth with no weapons. Davos tries to make polite conversation with Missandei, and it gives us a glimpse of the Isle of Nath (which sounds quite lovely with butterflies).

As they walk the long battlement, Tyrion asks about Sansa, but then hurriedly rushes to assure Jon that the marriage was never consummated. Apparently, word has reached Tyrion on what Jon did to Littlefinger in the crypts, in addition to what happened to Ramsey. Jon distances himself from the conversation, and Tyrion talks about how bad things tend to happen to Starks that travel South. Jon replies that he’s no Stark, which is perfect timing from a drive by dragoning. In case people are still confused on who Jon’s true father is...

Varys and Mellisandre watch as the North makes it way to Dany. Varys finds it curious that she’s hiding, and she intimates that she may not be well liked by the visitors for reasons she would rather not disclose. She did what she needed to do though; she brought together Ice and Fire. (Does she get points for bringing in the name of the series?) She’s now off to Volantis, and Varys says she probably shouldn’t return to Westeros. Mellisandre says that she’ll be back. After all, they both have to die in this strange country. That’s not ominous at all.

The North entourage enters the throne room to find Dany dwarfed by the throne at Dragonstone. Missandei then lists off all 101 titles that Dany has collected, and Davos does a great job at the contrasting the two with the sparse introduction of Jon, King of the North. Dany feigns ignorance on having a good education, but then goes into the exact history lesson of how the North bent the knee to Aegon the Conqueror. Jon reminds her that his family was butchered by her father. She apologizes and asks him to not judge her by the sins of her father. She wants Jon to be her Warden in the North, and she reminds him how things could be. After all, she’s last of the Targs. Well, not really, but she doesn’t know that yet.

Jon agrees that she shouldn’t be held accountable for her father’s actions, and he shouldn’t be held to his ancestors oaths. He then starts to paint a picture about the plight of the North with the army of the Dead that is on the move. Of course, no one really believes him in that threat. Dany feels that Jon doesn’t give her the right and due respect she is owed, so she attempts to rub his nose in all the things that she has survived. Jon will have none of that still, and tells her that she will be Queen over graves. Davos steps in and tries to be the herald of Jon’s deeds, and why people choose him even though he has no true birthright (that he knows of). Davos even lets slip that Jon took a dagger to the heart for what he believed in, which earns him an unhappy look from Jon.

Jon tells Dany that he doesn’t know her. He can’t and won’t abandon her people just because she claims certain things. Dany takes his words better than I’d expect, but maybe it’s only because Varys interrupts them, whispering in her ear like he has whispered in so many others. She has Jon and Davos taken to some private rooms for a bath and supper, like they are little kids. Jon asks if they are prisoners, and she tells him not yet. Then she learns the fate of her Dornish and Ironborn allies, and how they were captured by Euron.

We get a brief cut to Theon brought aboard Ironborn ship. I’m fairly certain that these were friendly Ironborn, but we don’t know for certain. He tries to fib that he only barely got away after trying to save his sister. They tell him that he’s only alive because he didn’t try to save her. Hopefully this scene will have some eventual importance, but right now, I could deal with less Theon. Give me a reason to want to root for him again.

Euron parades Yara, Ellaria and a Sand Snake through the streets of King's Landing. (Apparently, this is the Most Beautiful Woman in the world from what I’ve read. Her hair is much different, and she’s kept her clothes on.) The people throw things at the prisoners and shout whore and other tame profanity at them before Euron leads them, horse and all, into the throne room. He hands over the Dornish prisoners to Cersei, which is to be the justice for her murdered daughter. Cersei lavishes Eurone with praise, and even says that she will give Euron his reward of choice once the war is over. As the crowd applause so their first victory, Euron taunts pod-Jaime with questions about how Cersei likes to be pleased in bed. (Psst, Jaime, let the crazy pirate guy have your sister. You’ve got better prospects North.)

Cersei, with her suddenly very pink and shiny lips, then goes to the dungeons with her new prisoners. She reminds Ellaria about the day Oberyn died and how he could have lived had he had less bravado. A truth, but let’s not rub salt in that wound. She then changes the conversation to mothers and daughters, talking about Myrcella and how much she loved her. She compares her love for Myrcella to Ellaria’s for the Most Beautiful Woman, talking about the ways she thought about killing her daughter. She finally kisses her, and everyone realizes that Cersei poisoned the girl just as Myrcella was poisoned. She then wipes off the poison lipstick (and her lips return to her normal pink and non-super-shiny luster), and drinks the antidote. She then tells Ellaria that she will watch as her daughter dies, and then rots.

And then it’s time for icky Cersei and pod-Jaime sex. I get that Jaime loves her, but it’s all icky. And not just because of the incest. She literally goes straight to Jaime after basically murdering a girl, and seduces him with no words. So she’s aroused by the death of her enemies? Again… Yuck! And she doesn’t even care if the servants gossip, as the next morning she answers the door and let’s a servant see Jaime in her bed. But she’s the Queen, so it doesn’t matter any longer. She then scurries off to speak with Iron Bank, and basically tells them that she will secure payment for the debts. She’s also lauded for being Tywin’s daughter. (Which yes, show-Cersei has glimpses of being very Tywin-esque, but that’s not how book-Cersei would be.)

Back in Dragonstone, Jon is brooding, and Tyrion starts to speak about how he can’t compare to brooding next to Jon. They bicker over who has more need, and Tyrion tells him that he’d be happy to solve his problem if Jon could solve theirs. Tyrion points out that the two rulers are actually quite similar, and he also points out that Jon is being unreasonable in his requests. He says to think smaller and maybe they can help the North.

Tyrion goes to Dany and tells her that Jon wants Dragon Glass if she can’t ride North. He makes a strong case to her about how it could be useful in helping to secure the North as an ally, and it would cost them nothing. He also spouts off some words of wisdom that Dany calls him out on, since he claims it’s ancient wisdom, but it’s really his own words. Dany asks before she leaves about the “knife to the heart statement” but Tyrion says something about flights of fancy in the North. She seems unconvinced. That doesn’t stop her from agreeing to let Jon have the dragon glass, where she talks to Jon also about her dragons. There seems to be some begrudging respect between the two monarchs too, as she sends him off to mine that glass.

Meanwhile, back in the North, Sansa is going over the stock and supply of Winterfell since she’s in charge. She feels that they don’t have enough food to feed everyone once the armies return to Winterfell. So everyone is to start sending wagons of grain to Winterfell to prepare for Winter. She is very astute even about how the armorers should be manufacturing the armor. Littlefinger points out she is very good at this, and he continues his coaching of her and how to win all her battles.

He’s interrupted by the sudden return of Bran and Meera who seem to have lost part of their souls when they returned to Winterfell, given their wooden expressions and comments. Sansa tries to learn more from Bran, but he’s rather withdrawn. He also turns down his own birthright as he tells Sansa that he’s the Three-Eyed Raven, and has a difficult time explaining that to her. I’m guessing that the Weirwood Wifi Net has fried part of his brain, or he’s still in such an information overload. He does freak out his sister by saying that he saw her marry Ramsey in the snow in their Godswood. She nopes the fuck out of the scene pretty fast.

Which then leads us to Oldtown where Ser Friendzone has been cured it seems. Slughorn seems nonchalant and points out how it happened, even though Ser Friendzone denies it to him. He gets discharged from his room, being cured, and Ser Friendzone gets dressed. Boy, I hope that is a new shirt that wasn’t resting on all that grayscale! Sam and Ser Friendzone say goodbye and shake hands. Cross your fingers that Ser Friendzone is truly cured. I like Sam too much to see him become a stone man. Later, Slughorn calls Sam out for curing Ser Friendzone, and he both lauds him for his success and punishes him for not minding his orders. He’s told he should be thankful that he’s not tossed out of the program.

Back in Dragonstone, Dany wants to sink Euron’s fleet with her dragons. She wants to go so far as to ride Drogon, leading her other two dragons to burn the fleet. Which isn’t a bad idea really - even if we know he could have Cersei’s hidden weapon. Instead though, she’s cautioned against this notion over worry to her own safety. What if she got hit by an arrow? I mean, if it’s in the knee, her adventuring career is over! Instead, they focus back on taking Casterly Rock.

We’re given the first glimpse of Casterly Rock after seven seasons, after hearing about it almost all the time. The Unsullied lay siege to the castle, in a jarring scene that looks choppy and laden with poor CGI. Maybe there wasn’t CGI, but it just didn’t have that polished look like other battle scenes. The true attack comes from underneath thanks to Tyrion’s expertise about the sewers of Casterly Rock, which lets the Unsullied army within the walls. The battle is quick on the screen, but it is brutal from the appearance of bodies along the battlements from both sides. Grey Worm notices that there isn’t as many men as they were told would be there. Also, why they were capturing the Keep, Euron destroyed their ships. He really seems to get around!

The rest of the Lannister army has marched south to Highgarden under the leadership of pod-Jaime with Sternly Tarly and our first Bronn sighting of the season. The Rains of Castamere play as pod-Jaime takes the castle and marches straight to Lady Olenna, who is awaiting her execution as it would seem. Jaime tells her why they left Casterly Rock, having emptied the food stores and with it having no more gold. He tells her that the play was something he learned from Robb Stark. Olenna wants to know how she is to die, and gets a jab in about how much a cunt Joffrey was. Cersei wanted Jaime to flay her or chop off her head. Jaime hasn’t lost all his honor, and pours some poison into a glass of wine for her. She guzzles it down, and as she awaits her death, she tells Jaime one last thing for Cersei. She was the one who was behind the death of Joffrey.

It’s a such a poignant end to the Queen of Thorns, and a wonderful last jab at her enemies. Always a joy to have another twisted bittersweet death on the show. Even if the show kind of moved around at a fast pace over Westeros, and it’s hard to judge how much actual time has passed. Maybe next week we’ll have Ser Friendzone already reunited with his Khaleesi at Dragonstone. Tune in to find out!