#same deal as yesterday. i haven't gone to bed yet so it's the same day. eat me.

[filmnoirsbian]

Spilled Inktober day 5: This haunting is a love story (ghazal)

[moralina]

WILD NIGHTS - WILD NIGHTS! | JJ MAYBANK

Summary: JJ decides to take you on an unusual date, and maybe you should've known that with him you could possibly end the night running away from security.

Warnings: nothing to do with the poem except for the title and i thought it'd be a great way to cut the scenes with lmao, also quickly edited, wanted to write more but also wanted to post this today. fem!reader.

Wc: 1.5k

Masterlist

My latest jj blurb

Not my gif

Wild nights - Wild nights!

Were I with thee

Wild nights should be

Our luxury!

Your feet met the slippery grass with a thud, making you slightly lose your balance but quickly adjusting your footing back as soon as his hands touched yours. 

"Where are we going?" you asked, hands pulling at the sleeves of your sweater trying to find warmth within. "I'm not complaining but i'd rather stay under my warm and soft blankets, y'know"

"it's worth it, i promise." he whispered even though there was no need to. Your parents were gone for a week, letting you by yourself while they visited some distant family member who you've never really met. "now c'mon" 

his right hand closed around yours, pulling your arm and bringing you with him to the parked van on the other side of the street.

"jj" you whined, sounding too much like a child but too cold to really care. 

"it's warm in the van" 

You hummed, still dreaming about your comfortable bed. 

Yesterday you had agreed to go on a date with jj - your first official date - but it didn't cross your mind to check the weather. How would you have guessed tonight would be as freezing as the inside of a freezer, when just yesterday night you were wearing a bikini and chilling in JB's backyard with the rest of your friends, relaxing in the warmth of the night. 

However, the weather betrayed you, and decided to suddenly change drastically on the exact day you and jj decided would be your date night.

"Ohmygod." You exhaled a breath of relief, relishing in the slightly warmer atmosphere of the van. 

After a few moments of staring and smiling like a fool in love, jj started the van. 

Futile - the winds -

To a Heart in port -

Done with the Compass -

Done with the Chart!

"That's our date?"

"C'mon baby! A kook's pool all to ourselves? It's the dream!" "They have a heat pump!" His eyebrows wiggled and you stared, not really sold

"No" you shook your head "no no no- jj, if we get caught we're screwed."

"Yeah but we won't."

"And how are you so sure?"

"The cameras stopped working after the storm last week and they haven't changed them yet" he spoke matter of factly "plus, there's no one taking care of the house, they're basically asking for it" you deadpanned and he smirked. 

Typical jj behavior, you thought to yourself, should've expected it.

How on earth did you fall for this reckless boy?

"Hey, be fun at least once in your life." He said, poking your side with his index finger

"Excuse me, i am fun." 

"Keep telling yourself that." He mumbled and you huffed a laugh, eyeing him up and down 

"If the cops get us-" you started saying, slowly getting closer to him "i'll throw you to the lions and run as fast as i can"

"Deal!" He exchanged his arm, a cocky grin on his face

After jumping over the gate with jj's help you waited for him to do the same, eyes traveling around the huge backyard. You've never seen a pool so big in your life. Its was probably the size of your house.

"Those kooks, man." You muttered as jj appeared beside you.

"Yeah." He said, also taking a moment to look around the whole place.

"How did you know about this?"

"I cut their grass last week" he shrugged, "heard someone talking about the security cameras not working." 

"Oh so then you decided it'd be a good idea to just… break in?"

"Yes." He said casually. 

You rolled your eyes, but followed him nonetheless as he started walking towards the pool. 

"Even the air feels different here." 

His comment made you laugh. He wasn't necessarily wrong. Everything felt different on figure eight. Didn't mean it was better, though.

"What are you doing?" You hushed when you noticed jj taking off his sweater

"What do you think im doing?" You lifted a brow quizzically "i'm not getting into the pool with my clothes on now, am i?" 

"Yeah, but it's free-"

"Freezing, i know, i know." His sweater was thrown aimlessly to the side "But the moment i turn this pretty thing on it'll be like a huge jacuzzi, baby!" 

You waited for him to do exactly that, and when the water seemed to be at a decent temperature you began to take off your shirt. However, your eyes wined when you glanced at jj and he was moments away from getting all of his clothes off.

All of it.

"Jj" you hissed "what. Are. You. Doing!?"

"I thought skinny dipping would be more romantic." He winked before finally discarding his sweatpants and underwear to the side 

Not even a second later he started running, and before jumping straight to the water he let out the loudest scream he could master.

"We're fucked." You breathed out.

Definitely the whole neighborhood heard that, and then security would get here and see you and your-not-yet-official naked boyfriend 

"Are you planning to run away from the cops with your thing dangling between your legs?" You questioned when his head finally came back to the surface

He chuckled at your comment, once again too loudly for your liking.

"I'll give them a show, princess." His hand ran through his wet hair and something inside you clicked. The urge to throw him against the pool walls and kiss him for hours being stronger than anything else "Now get in the water." 

You hesitated, but decided to go against your gut feeling, and I guess be fun for once in your life.

When your left foot touched the warm water you allowed yourself to breathe normally again, not noticing how your breath seemed shallow before. 

Slowly, you entered the pool, your underwear getting soaked in the process. You decided not to follow jj's idea for at least this one thing. You were not getting into someone else's pool naked. And you were not going to run from the cops naked either.

Rowing in Eden -

Ah - the Sea!

Might I but moor - tonight -

In thee!

"Get back here!"

"It was nice seeing you again, Carl!" Jj waved at the poor security guard. 

As he ran in front of you, with his pants worn inside out, and his shirt not making all its way through covering his torso, was definitely a funny site, but as much as you wanted to laugh, you also needed air to keep on running.

A scream of joy left his lips and you felt so much adrenaline running through your body. Something you only really felt with jj. I mean, he was the one always dragging you around and making you participate in his wild plans. 

"You're too slow!" He screamed, momentarily looking behind him to see you running a few meters behind. 

"I'm not used to running from the cops as much as you!" You exclaimed, extending your arm forward so he could grab onto you and take you with him.

When he caught your hand you almost fell to the ground, losing your balance, once again this night, for a short second, but your legs were quick to catch on to his speed.

You only stopped running when you reached the sand. The beach was dark at this time of night, a few lights coming from the street that weren't enough to illuminate the open space.

"That was-" you heaved, trying to speak but also catching your breath

"Amazing? Thrilling? The best night of your life?!"

"It's a way to put it, yeah." You nodded your head, mouth open still trying to even your breathing.

"Did you like it?" Jj asked after a moment of silence, speaking up once again after you gave him a questioning look "our date. Did you like it?"

"It was… something." You laughed. 

Definitely an adventure. It made you feel more alive than ever, but you wouldn't say that aloud, not wanting to give jj more motivation to take you to any more fun dates

"Something good or…" he trailed off.

You couldn’t see it, mostly because he wouldn't show it, but jj was nervous. He wanted to give you a memorable date. You've already gone out thousands of times together. Sometimes only the two of you, other times as a group with all of the pogues, but you never called it a date. Before tonight your relationship didn't have a label, and he really wanted it to have. He wanted you to be his girlfriend, and he wanted to be your boyfriend. 

So yeah, it was kind of a stressful night and maybe he went too far, but hey, you had the biggest smile on your face right now. You didn't look mad. Not one bit.

"Good." You told him finally

"Good" he repeated, feeling his muscles relax.

"But we're not doing this again."

"Yup! Definitely… not doing this again."

"Jj…" 

"What? You have my word."

"Yeah, no. Definitely not trusting that."

A/n: im so anxious rn, you guys have no idea. Anyway, did this so fast I'll probably edit it again when i wake up tomorrow oof

[audiovisualrecall]

Wanted to go in to work 'early' - I'm scheduled for 10am today - bc I have a special order being picked up at 1pm sp it'd be nice to have a little extra time to dedicate to that. But going in early means if I leave on time I'll be leaving 'early' according to my scheduled time, and that means it'll cost me UPT, and my balance of upt isn't in surplus mode anymore. (Which makes me anxious just like how using up pto for days I've requested off means my balance is lower now and that makes me anxious, but I can't just save them both up just in case...but upt is used for lateness as well as leaving early, and for calling out if I don't use pto for it, and I'm late frequently when I'm not going in early, so I need the upt but still). So Id have to see if my boss could like adjust the schedule to match the start and end times to the times I actually worked today, and that just sounds exhausting trying to convince him I need to go in early and also need him to do this bc I don't want to be losing upt when I come in early. Like he would just be like anita can do the order...when like, no, the customer only told me yesterday the final details and I need to at least SHOW anita what the customer wants And text a photo of the first arrangement to the customer on her request (which I said i would do bc she's a regular, same reason i took the order at all so close to deadline) so I need to be there before she can start on them. It's too exhausting to explain that to him, just exhausting, no. And the other part he would say yes and then forget to do it and I'd just end up losing tbe upt anyway bc whatever.

Anyway, so I decided it's too exhausting to deal with and I wanted more sleep, but now it's 8:30 and I'm still in bed but didn't actually get much more sleep bc thinking abt all this kept me awake, and I now have an hour before I have to go and I waste so much money on uber/lyft and I hate it but I have no fucking free time to taking driving lessons okay. And I'm too lazy to get up early and take the bus bc I'd have to leave 2.5 hrs early or earlier even and that's exhausting too. And I'm so tired of this job, genuinely I'm tired of it. But the health insurance is nice so far. My medication is covered and approved quickly and I get dental and vision coverage and the coat is taken out of my pay check so I don't have to remember ro pay any bills for any of that, it's good coverage and costs way less than my old plan and is so much better than the state plans I would've gone for if I left. And I could in theory find another job that offers health insurance, but you can't exactly search through employers and job listings with health insurance benefits as a filter, and no guarantee of what insurance company or how good the plan would be, etc. And I also Just got on the plan from work, I still have to finish setting up the dental user account so I can use it for dentist visits, haven't even looked at the vision stuff yet, so I don't want to have to try to find something else and switch to something new. But gd am I tired, I'm tired of being in charge of my little subdepartment and I'm tired of corporate bs and changes that make things worse and how my brain is not at all suited to what I have to do for my job, genuinely, and how that means I constantly feel like I'm failing, or I actually DO screw up, like a lot, I'm exhausted and I only like the flowers part of it, but I can't step down bc there's no one else to do it.

Also I'm totally getting my period today and I hate that, too.

I don't want to go in to work at all, now. I don't want tp go at all. I can't quit tho bc health insurance!!! And I have to go in today to do this damn special order. Bc I'm dumb

And i'm going to be late if I don't get up out of bed now

And I really don't want to

At all

[spicymayo1983]

Hiya. This is chapter 20, the finale to this series. After welcoming your miracle baby girl you have the family that you've always wanted.

Two gorgeous kids, a loving husband, what more could you ask for?

Will this be the happy ending you've always wanted or will fate deal you another cruel blow?

Warnings, angst, smut, squirting, female receiving oral sex, not for anyone under 18.

20+years earlier, Yavin 4

Even as teenagers you had always sensed that there was a deep bond between you and Poe.

It was a unique bond that transcended time. It felt almost mystical. Surreal in a truly beautiful way.

Your parents never tried to discourage your relationship because even they knew, and could see, the tender love that was shared between the two of you.

It was a love that truly only came around once in a lifetime.

Late one night you're tossing and turning in bed, unable to sleep, when you hear a gentle knock at your bedroom window.

You immediately turn on your bedside lamp, and see the smiling face of your boyfriend.

You jump out of bed and open the window. You grab his arm and pull him inside your room.

"What are you doing here you dork? It's almost 4 in the morning". You tease with a slight laugh as you help him up.

"I sensed that you couldn't sleep, so I brought you these". Poe replied softly with a slight smile as he presented you with a small bouquet of freshly picked wildflowers.

"Oh Poe, that's so sweet". You tell him with a smile as you plant a soft kiss on his lips. "You're truly something else".

"Let's sneak out and go to our favorite spot". Poe whispered into you ear as he kissed your neck. "I want to cuddle you and look at the stars".

You quickly get dressed and the two of you quietly sneak out of your bedroom window.

Once at the spot overlooking the ancient temple the two of you relax on the damp, cool grass.

It seemed like there were a million stars in the sky that night.

You playfully climb on top of Poe and start to kiss him. The two of you roll around a little, making out and playfully wrestling.

Poe finally pinned you down, with a giggle you say,

"Oh no, looks like you win, what do you want the prize to be?"

"You". Poe replied quickly, smiling wickedly and passionately kissing you on the lips.

You unbutton your shirt a little, revealing your bare breasts. The tightness in a particular area of his pants betrays the fact that Poe is more than ready for you.

Poe kissed all the way down to your bellybutton, you removed the belt to your pants and he unzipped them for you, revealing your soaked panties.

With a quick kick your pants are off and on the ground. His head immediately went between your legs and he started to lick your clit through your underwear, making you close your eyes and cuss.

Poe slid three fingers inside of your tight hole as he nibbled on and sucked your swollen clit.

Your underwear quickly came off next.

It must have been a combination of the cool, damp grass against your bare skin and the intense pleasure he was treating your body to but you could feel your legs start to tremble and shake.

Your tightness gripped onto his fingers, gave them a squeeze and then gushed warm fluid all over him.

"Wow". Poe said softly as he gently removed his fingers from inside your body, softly stroking your clit and inner lips with his thumb. "That was really hot".

As your legs continued to tremble Poe began to lick your inner lips, teasing and pulling on them gently with his soft lips.

As you relaxed on the cool grass, nude and looking up at the millions of stars, Poe took his clothes off and climbed on top of you.

Because you were so wet his thick cock slid easily inside of your warmth.

"Poe". You whimper softly, closing your eyes and savoring the pleasurable sensation of your bodies connected together.

"I love you forever". Poe whispered into your ear as he leaned down and gave your neck a playful nibble.

Afterwards, just as he had promised, Poe cuddled with you under the stars.

As he's holding you tight in his strong arms you kiss him and ask,

"How did you know that I couldn't sleep?"

"I don't know". Poe replied with a laugh as he kissed you back. "That's what is so weird about it".

Present day

Whenever you're not doing well your mind wanders off and you recount the delightful memories with Poe.

You were able to return home with your baby girl two days later.

You're sore, and exhausted and weak, unbelievably weak. You can barely muster enough energy to even roll over on your back.

Poe was worried about you, this wasn't normal and he could sense it.

It was almost like you were slowly fading away, keeping your eyes open was a difficult task, it was like your body was finally giving up.

Poe had been taking care of his newborn daughter and now nearly 5 year old son by himself and he was at the end of his rope.

Your friend Esmaria came over to help.

"Poe, how is she doing?" She immediately asked.

"Not very well". Poe explained, with tears in his eyes as he snuggled his infant daughter. "She can barely move or keep her eyes open".

"I'm sure she'll be okay". Esmaria told him as she gave Poe a hug.

"I think we need to get her back to the doctor". Poe explained as he continued to snuggle little Kya, giving her a little kiss on the forehead. "But she's being hard headed and won't go".

"Ugh, typical y/n". Esmaria told him with a deep sigh as she shook her head a little. "I think she's just depressed after having the baby".

Poe pulled up a chair next to your bedside and held your hand in his. The look on his face was a mixture of heartache and worry.

"Are you feeling any better?" Poe asked, leaning down and kissing you softly on the forehead.

"Not really". You reply weakly, your voice barely above a whisper.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" He asked again, tears streaming down his face. "Anything to make you more comfortable?"

"Poe, I think this is it". You tell him tearfully. "I think I'm dying".

"No, no, don't say that". He replied back quickly, shaking his head as he kissed your frail hand. "It can't be, it won't be, we can get you back to the doctor".

"I love you Poe". You tell him softly as you struggled to keep your eyes open. "I love our son and daughter too. Take care of them for me".

"Please don't leave us". Poe begged softly as he continued to hold your hand. "We were supposed to grow old together, remember?"

With a weak smile on your face you mouth I love you to your husband one last time as you close your eyes and drift away forever.

Ten years later

"What was mom like? Dad?"

"She looked a lot like you, I guess, with a different hair and eye color".

It was a full decade since you died. Poe was with your now 10 year old daughter in Yavin 4, who looked a lot like you only with her father's hair, skin and eye color.

Kya was 3 days old when you passed away. The older she got the more she would ask questions about her mother.

Poe told her what he could, but it was still extremely difficult to talk about you. He thought about you, his soulmate, constantly, and wondered what you would be like today.

Poe was in his mid 50's now, his once dark hair was mostly gray except for a few stray strands.

He had fully embraced the silver fox look and had aged gracefully. Poe was very distinguished looking.

He was still the leader of the black squadron.

Boe was a handsome, muscular 15 year old who was the direct image of his father. He was also into flying, adventure and getting into a little bit of trouble.

The girls loved him but he didn't have one steady girlfriend yet.

Kya was a beautiful, intelligent 10 year old whose interests included music and writing. She was a quiet introvert.

Esmaria, your best friend, had become Poe's second wife. She was an excellent stepmother and your children loved her.

Poe was visiting your grave with Kya. He was attempting to tell her all about you but it was still difficult for him.

He felt like half of his soul was gone. Poe loved Esmaria yes, but to him it was a different kind of love.

It lacked the passion, depth and intensity that the two of you had shared.

Kya went off by herself, leaving her father alone at your burial site.

"I miss you everyday". Poe confessed tearfully as he leaned down to clean off your headstone. "It still hurts like it was yesterday".

"Thank you for the beautiful kids, they're a pain in the ass sometimes but most of the time they're great". Poe continued, laughing a little. "Kya looks just like you, she's beautiful. Boe looks like me".

He left your family cemetery and headed to your favorite spot that overlooked the rainforest and temple.

Poe relaxed on the cool grass and with tears in his eyes imagined you next to him, cuddling him, kissing him.

When he opened his eyes you were right there, a figment of his imagination perhaps? But it looked so much like you.

Your image was solid, just like a real person. And your skin was soft and warm.

The memories came flooding back. The Summer days spent as teenagers, him consoling you after losing your parents, the day he found out that he was going to be a father.

You looked young, beautiful and healthy. Poe leaned over and kissed you tenderly, and with a huge smile on his face said,

"Y/n, things haven't been the same without you, I think about you every day".

"Poe, I didn't want to leave but I was sick and my body gave out". You explained, smiling a little. "I'm no longer in pain now".

"We were supposed to grow old together but I'm the only one that got old". Poe told you with a slight laugh.

"It isn't fair".

"I have to go now". You told him as you shared a final kiss. "But please tell Esmaria thank you for raising our children".

"I will". Poe told you with a weak smile as he stroked your soft cheek. "Goodbye".

With those final words you are gone again. The tears continued to stream down his face as he realized that you weren't coming back.

"Dad! There you are! We were looking all over for you".

The tranquil calm was interrupted by Boe and Kya, who had been looking for their father all afternoon.

Boe gave his father a huge bear hug, with a slight smile on his face Poe told them,

"I needed some alone time, I hope you kids didn't get into any trouble".

"Nah dad, I was just showing Ky around the temple". Boe replied quickly, smiling a little. "I think we're ready to go now".

Poe hugged his daughter tight, smiled and said,

"Your mother would be so proud of you two".

The end

[criminalminds4days]

Family Matters | Chapter 3: Trivia

Hello People!

I hope you have had an amazing week and are going to have an ever better weekend. I am so done with this week. It was really crappy and I just can't wait for the beginning of next, hoping it will be better. The only positive side is that I was able to get over my writer's block and have finished about 3 new chapters.

Anyway, enjoy this chapter of Family Matters and let me know what you think!

Warnings: Swearing, sexual references, violence and murder references, public embarrassment, and very bad jokes!

Word Count: 3.6k

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

Tag list: @mcntsee @lets-be-gay-for-the-angel @evelyncade @haylaansmi @paulaern @myfandomlife-blog

*************************************************

(This gif is not mine)

Chapter 3: Trivia

She closed the blinds and made sure for the fifth time the door was locked. Her breath caught in her throat and the fear and adrenaline that had rushed through her body made even Spencer Reid nervous.

"What's going on?"

"This is bad, I didn't realize the consequences of this until it was too late. I am so sorry I got you all tangled up in this mess."

"What are you talking about? What happened?"

"I-" She turned and took a peek through the blinds, ensuring there was no one around. "I did not think things through. I think it's best if you go home, that way you might be spared."

"You are seriously starting to make me nervous, please tell me what's going on, how can I help?"

"There is nothing you can do; I am basically a dead woman."

"Why? Who's after you?"

"Anna Hemingway."

"Your cousin is after you? Did she threaten you or something?"

"No, she didn't have to." She walked towards the bed and sat on the edge, still glancing every now and then, making sure the coast was clear.

After her and Spencer's victory, they had both decided to go to bed, and while the rest of her family insisted on having another dinner dedicated to the couple, they had both decided best to eat and head back to their cabin. He had finished first and decided to head back, and as soon as he was gone, the memory hit her making her mistake obvious. And the main reason she had resorted to a passive competition with the world's worst cousin was clear once again. In a hurry she had returned to their cabin, ensuring she was not being followed, and locked the door, startling the doctor.

"The last time I beat Anna at something was when I twelve. We were both auditioning for the same role in our school musical. They gave me the part." He smiled, truly excited for her accomplishment, as well as happy to learn this new fact about her. "Don't get too peppy. On opening night, at Grandma's celebration for the play, I fell down the stairs."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Because, Dr. Spencer Reid, as hard as it is to believe, me falling down the stairs was not due to my immense clumsiness."

"Wait, your cousin pushed you down the stairs?!" He exclaimed, truly horrified. How are children so cute and so evil at the same time?

"More like, she set her foot for me to trip on, but you get the idea." She glanced back at the door and then at the man in front of her. "I was lucky, I didn't break anything, but I have a feeling that might not be the case the next time. I also would prefer not to drown or anything like that."

"But we're federal agents, doing something to you or me would be unwise."

"You're speaking of the girl that tripped me down the stairs and thought that stealing my boyfriend and marrying him was wise."

"I'm gonna double-check the door is locked."

After hours of attempting to stay vigilant, her body had given in and she had fallen asleep. Although Spencer knew the danger, to him it was as simple as closing his eyes. She knew they were trained to deal with a lot of sick people, but he didn't understand the limits his cousin would go to destroy those who she felt wronged by. Although her main target had always been her, she once had basically ended a girl's life by getting her banned from pretty much any respectable college or job position because this one had made fun of her prom dress. Anna Hemingway was one to be cautious with, and they had both just embarrassed her in front of the people whose attention she had snatched years ago. It was worse than she realized.

"Spencer, Spencer." She spoke as she slightly moved him. He growled and moved away from her, attempting to continue his slumber. "Spencer."

"No, let me sleep." He complained.

"Spence, get up, please." After minutes of silence, she devised a new plan. "Spencer!" she screamed, making him jump, falling off the bed and landing between the edge of this first one and the door of the closet. "Oh good, you're awake."

He didn't say a word, for what seemed like centuries, and she wondered if screaming him awake was not the best decision, especially as her next request would not be something he would be inclined to.

"Sorry for that, I just needed you to wake up."

"Is there a fire I don't know about?"

"No, I just thought we could go for a run." There it was, the look Spencer had only given the unsubs he despised the most. She had earned it, but that didn't mean she liked it. "Sorry, I just, Nicole had to leave, and since I have a target on my back and there's safety in numbers... I also didn't want to leave you here alone, and vulnerable. I just felt like, despite your muscles, I am concerned you haven't yet mastered the use of your body."

"I will have you know that by all accounts I definitely know how to use my body. Quite effectively if I do say so myself, and others."

After his words, her mind went to a thought she never imagined having. She wondered if he meant it that way or she was just losing it. "Good, then you can come with me." That sentence following her thoughts was probably not ideal.

"No thank you, you can do it by yourself." She needed to change the direction her thoughts were going; they were definitely not helpful.

"Spencer, please. I am honestly a little terrified, and you should be too."

"Well, I'm not. She isn't worse than any unidentified subject we've dealt with before."

"Oh but she is. She's the worst type of unsub you could think of, but ten times worse."

"What's the worse she could do?"

"Let's not find out."

After whining from him and pleads by her, they both made their way out of the cabin. The shorts he had avoided yesterday were now covering almost nothing as they jogged. This was not a good reminder of their earlier conversation, so she simply focused on something easier: her cousin's imminent revenge. She thought it would come in the form of her accidentally pushing her into the lake, or a repeat of her falling down the stairs. She was even worried this time Spencer would be the victim since he had been the one to embarrass her. Her thoughts were interrupted by deep breaths and a yelp.

"Are you okay?"

"We've been running for hours, how dare you ask me such a question?"

She looked at her watch, "We've been running for exactly three and a half minutes. Actually, we haven't been running, more like jogging."

"How long do you usually do this for?"

"Depends on the day, but from thirty minutes to two hours."

"You need help."

"It won't be as bad, come on."

"You can go on, I am just gonna sit here and have a heart attack real quick."

"How on earth did you pass your physical?"

"I got it waved."

"Cheater."

"If it isn't it the 'it' couple of the weekend!" Suddenly the one having a heart attack was not Spencer, but her. "I didn't know you guys ran together, that's so cute!"

"Yeah, truly the reason I love her," Spencer said, a pinch of sarcasm in his voice.

"How adorable." It's coming, she could feel it. "Anyway, I was thinking, since love seems to be in the air this weekend, why don't we celebrate it by wrapping up the family retreat with a trivia night!"

"What does trivia have to do with love?" She regretted the words as soon as they came out, as Anna looked at her like she might as well be six feet under.

"Silly, the trivia would be about your significant other, of course!"

"Well, that's just-"

"Wonderful, I know!" The blonde smiled, delighted by her idea. "The family has already been briefed and they are all on board, I have started taking in questions and designed the cards, so we'll all meet around the campfire for dinner, and then we'll have trivia night!" She smiled brightly and began to leave, stopping by to appreciate Spencer's figure and palming his behind as she left.

"Did she just-?"

"Yes, yes she did."

"I need a shower."

After both had showered and changed they made their way to grandmas house, alert as to anyone following them. Most of her family had moved on from spying on them, but she knew Anna and Uncle Ernie were not that normal.

"So, what did your grandma do?"

"No one really knows, I mean it had to be good to make her so rich, but by the time my uncle Ernie was born, the eldest, she was already rich enough to sell whatever business she had and become a full-time parent."

"What about your grandpa?"

"He died before I was born."

"Oh."

They sat at the same table he had been at the day before; the chessboard was still in place. She began messing with the pieces, creating the game that always made her win, courtesy of her grandma.

"I didn't know you played."

"I too began at a very young age. I haven't really played since grandma died; she was my game partner. The only one that treated me like I was a human being." She sat down, remembering the hours she spent here when Nicole wasn't around, and everyone pretty much ignored her. "She was the only one that ever consoled me for losing my dad. Losing her was just one more box to check."

"I am sorry for your loss." He placed a hand on her shoulder and squeezed it gently, hoping to convey his sympathy.

"Yeah well, by how calm Anna looks right now I guess it won't be long before I join her, so we don't have to worry about that anymore."

He rolled his eyes, a smile tugging at his lips. "So, what should we expect during this trivia night?"

"To lose, that's our safest bet."

"I don't really do losing."

"And all I do is lose, so I will be your guide this time."

The family had made their way inside, their excitement overflowing the room. She couldn't help but wish she could simply run for the hills. She knew the chances of them winning were null, because a) she needed to lose and b) Spencer and her hadn't known each other, really known each other long enough to be able to answer these questions. She wondered if that was the plan all along, that Anna somehow had found out about their lie and was using this as a means to expose it.

"Okay everybody, let's get started." Said, uncle Ernie. He wore the same clothes as their first day here. "Let us start with the competition. Since we have the newlyweds as well as the new couple in the family, I think they should make the honors."

She looked at Spencer and he smiled at her, she leaned closed and whispered. "Remember, to ease the monster, we need to lose, which shouldn't be hard, we're not even a real couple, there is no way we know enough about each other, right?"

He nodded and they both moved to the sofa that was designated as their spot, her uncle who now apparently served as the show host, handed Spencer and Tyler a buzzer, explaining whichever sounded first would get to answer the question. She mentally prepared herself, hoping she could answer enough questions to not raise suspicion but not enough to win the game, what a grand world that would be.

"Ready everybody?" everyone cheered in approval and she prepared herself. "This round is for the guys, once we finish you will pass the buzzer to your partner and at the end, we will have one round where either of you can answer. Now, the first question, what is your partner's Starbucks order?"

Spencer's buzzer went off as Tyler attempted to recall the memory. "It depends on the season. During winter and for as long as she can get it, it will be a Grande Peppermint Hot Chocolate, during the summer it will be no-coffee Double chocolate chip cookie crumble Grande Frappuccino with extra whipped cream, and no straw." She looked at him completely taken aback by his answer, how specific it was, and the fact that he knew she was a seasonal drinks person.

"Yeah, that's it." She spoke.

"Point for team FBI!" Her uncle cheered. "Next question, what is your partner's favorite color?"

His buzzer went off and the doctor spoke again, "Blue."

Ten questions later the scoreboard was 8-2, Spencer's lead, and the two questions he hadn't answered were because he decided that would be enough to lose. She didn't understand how he knew these things, or the fact that she knew what her answer for him would be, but what she did know, was that she had to be really bad in order to allow Anna to take the lead back, what she wasn't sure about anymore, was whether she wanted to let her cousin win.

"Ladies, you're up." Spencer handed her the buzzer and she smiled at him. "First question, how does your partner drink his coffee."

"That's easy. He doesn't drink coffee." She said soon after her buzzer went off. "He drinks sugar with a side of coffee, no creamer. Eighty percent sugar, twenty percent coffee."

"That is so mean to say! But it's true." Spencer agreed.

"How are you a doctor and drink so much sugar?"

"Not that kind of doctor." He clarified to the man.

"I have no idea what that means! Next question, what is the thing your partner is most proud of?"

"His job. Spencer loves helping people and using his knowledge to reunite families, he's the bravest guy I know." She smiled at him and he returned the gesture.

It was no surprise Anna was not content with the results, as the end was a 23-4 in favor of Spencer and her. As soon as the game was finished she knew that she had basically carved her own grave.

"That is not fair, they are not even really dating!" Her cousin screamed, "it's all a lie!"

"What?"

"Yeah, I know your little secret, I overheard you and Nicole talking about how Spencer was not really your boyfriend and how he didn't actually have dyslexia!"

"I-" She didn't know what to say, how had she not seen her? How could she let this happen?

"First of all, I think it is very inconsiderate of you to suggest that my dyslexia is not real. I have fought so hard for such a long time to ensure my condition didn't prevent me from succeeding, going as far as getting a Ph.D. in mathematics, for someone to simply come and question my hard work." Spencer said, seemingly very upset. "Second of all, this woman right here is the best thing that ever happened to me, and I will not sit here and tolerate you calling her a liar. We are in love with each other, and you as her cousin should be happy about it. Yet you seem so upset about her finding someone, it seems to me you're jealous, but what do I know, it's not like I can understand human behavior or anything. Oh, wait." He said, he took her hand and pulled her as close to him as she could. "Just leave my girlfriend alone, you took her sloppy second and married him, so what more can you want from her?"

The room fell silent, everyone eyed Spencer and Anna, trying to grasp what had just happened. "You and I both know you're lying, you two are not a real couple, you are just trying to ruin this weekend for me."

"Really, not a real couple? Then how did we end up destroying you at trivia? You made the questions Anna, I had no idea what was on them, you did. And I am not the one wearing a wedding ring. So my question is, how do you marry someone without knowing their proudest moment, or their Starbucks order?"

"Well, how come no one has ever seen you two kiss? You can learn facts about each other but that doesn't really make you a couple."

"You want to see a kiss? Fine." She turned and pulled Spencer's lips to hers. She let herself enjoy the moment, really enjoy Spencer's kissing skills, not because she wanted to or anything, but rather because that is how she should kiss him, there was no way anyone would have any doubt about them if the kiss looked authentic. Which it did, it also might have felt a little more authentic than it should but now was no the time to dwell on that.

Spencer kissed her back, creating an atmosphere in which her cousin's word didn't matter any longer, in which the humiliation her family had put her through was nothing worth thinking of, and the fact that both of them had such deep knowledge about each other only fueled it, melting her a little in her spot, she felt his teeth on her lower lip applying slight pressure and she couldn't help but wish they were by themselves right then and there.

"We get it! You guys want to take your clothes off, now please stop." Tyler's voice echoed, and the two doctors left each other's lips reluctantly, looking at him. "Now, can we please move on?"

"No! Not until they admit they are not really dating, and all this was a plot to humiliate me!" Anna screamed.

"You know what? I am not going to stand here and tolerate this behavior any longer. Bitchy Anna, you can whine all you want, but that will not change that I am with a man I love, and that loves me. I have let this family make me feel like less for long enough and I am done doing so. You can all go fuck yourselves because I am done with each and every single one of you. You allowed this crazy brat to humiliate me and treat me like I was less for long enough. Let's go home, Spencer." She grabbed him by the hand and exited the house, giving her family the middle finger before she banged the door. She walked to their cabin and gathered her stuff, him following suit. As soon as they were in the car and far enough away, she pulled over and sighed, coming down from her adrenaline rush.

"In the wise words of Penelope Garcia, that was hot," Spencer said.

"What was?"

"Everything." They laughed for a couple of minutes, the scene she had just created replaying in her mind. "I am so proud of you."

"Why? Because I gave my uncle Ernie the middle finger?"

"Because you stood up for yourself."

"Yeah, well even if she was right, I tend to get a little too angry when people call me a liar or get in my way."

"Yeah, I know." He chuckled, "How did it go, oh yes, 'Nu-uh bruh, I know you didn't just interrupt me mid-sentence.' And then you commented how a man who wore sweaters in the middle of July was not going to cut you off."

"I am so sorry about that; I was just so used to being cut off I didn't want it to be a thing at work."

"It's okay, I understand. I began cutting people off because that's what most people did to me when I spoke."

"Well, that's dumb. I love hearing your facts, you have all this knowledge, and you chose to share it, people should be grateful for it."

"Thank you, I appreciate that." He smiled, "Speaking of facts, our chances of getting murdered will increase by the minute if we continue to sit on the side of the road."

"Right, forgot about that!" She turned the car back on. "Let's go home, Spencer." As his apartment complex became clear, she slowed down, making a stop right in front of it. "Thank you for coming with me this weekend, I really appreciate it."

"No problem, that's what friends are for." Before he moved to get out of the car, she planted a quick kiss on his cheek. "What was that for?"

"For being the best fake boyfriend and real friend a girl could ask for." She smiled at him, so grateful for his existence. "I will see you tomorrow morning at 5:45 am sharp. Goodnight Spencer."

"Goodnight. See you tomorrow." He opened the door and walked out, waving to her before he entered his building. She sat there for a couple of minutes, taking in the past weekend. She knew her mother wouldn't let her get away with her actions, but right now that didn't matter, Spencer Reid had told her he was proud of her, he had even used the term hot which in itself was hot because she never even imagined he used that type of vocabulary.

Regardless, she stood up for herself, she let Anna have it, and Spencer was proud of her. It seemed like a win-win. She drove home, a smile on her face.

[vanchlo]

The Partner / Chapter Eleven, "The Abyss"

Word Count: 5.4k /  Story Masterlist /  Read The Assistant /  Read on Wattpad / Song: / It's Not The Same Anymore by Rex Orange County (click to listen) / Warning: Sensitive and upsetting topics, such as death, grief, and miscarriage

"The day after my baby died what shocked me the most was the sun still rose, and the post still slipped through my mailbox, and I still got thirsty, and the birds still sang, and the traffic lights still changed colour . . but my world had stopped, my planet had stopped spinning."

- Zoe Clark-Coates

I tried to stay there, beside him and with him, but I couldn't. The stillness had returned and I was sucked into its world once again, watching time pass in front of me. Waking up was the hardest, knowing what I had come back to and not wanting to move, let alone leave the bed. It wasn't ours and I was glad for it, if it was the only thing that made me feel a hint of that. I couldn't imagine lying in ours and my recommended bed rest was welcomed.

I didn't try to fight it, the emptiness that swam around inside of me, silencing my ears to Harry's words. His questions and pleas for me to eat. Somehow, I sat there and I did, sometimes. I ate and laid on the couch, watching Friends with him. He didn't think I noticed, but I did. I saw how he skipped the episodes where Phoebe was pregnant as we watched the show through for what must be the third time. I wasn't asleep like he thought when he tearfully told my dad over the phone what had happened. His sister. My brother. I pretended again when Skye stopped over with food that Harry took quietly, and when Myles did too. I listened in the bedroom or on the couch, my eyes closed, as he cried to his mom and then his best friend. I was there listening, but I wasn't there feeling. I couldn't.

I'd lost count of how many times I'd blinked and Harry had been talking to me, going on to repeat himself for what- the fourth time? How was I supposed to know?, I think this time as he stares back at me, a not so secret sigh following his words.

"I'm sorry. What'd you say?"

"I said you need to eat," he repeats, nodding his head towards the plate of food I hadn't touched. I should've known. Despite it being our favorite tacos from Pedro's, I couldn't even stomach the idea of actually eating it. Sighing, he's shaking his head as he dumps another helping of their chips onto his plate. "I don't want to argue about this again. You need to eat, love."

"Neither do I, but I'm not hungry, Harry."

Snapping the lid back onto the nacho cheese sauce, his head is shaking back and forth. Watching his movements, he habitually bites at his bottom lip, seemingly coaxing the words back in.

"I didn't push when you weren't hungry at breakfast, but it's two in the afternoon, Becks. You-."

"I had a protein drink. I'm fine."

"How can you say that?!" his volume shocks me, hearing his words echo around the empty house. Gulping, I look away from his fiery eyes and to the food that makes my stomach turn. "You're not fine. All you've had to eat the last few days are a few bites at meals, and those stupid protein drinks. That can't be healthy. You need to eat because . . "

"Because why, Harry?" I speak up, bringing my eyes back to his. They avoid mine though as he stands across the island from me, rubbing his thumb along the tip of another finger. "You don't know, do you? You can't use the 'eating for two' excuse anymore, because I'm not . . eating for two, am I? I'm not . . not pregnant, so why should I need to eat? You don't have an answer, do you?"

"Because of you, Becks. You need to heal, your body needs the food and-," he begins to insist, but my sharp tongue can't be controlled.

"Trying to shove food down my throat and practically counting the number of bites I take is not going to heal my body, Harry," I retort, sliding off the barstool and stomping my way up the stairs.

Stopping at the landing, I'm not sure what led me up here, seeing as how we're sleeping downstairs now. Something about 'less exertion on my part and I haven't even stepped foot in our bedroom since then' being the reason for the move. The day we came home Harry had moved everything downstairs that we'd needed, and to the bathroom that we use now. It wasn't the same, but was anything anymore?

"Why can't you just talk to me?" he calls from the kitchen. Already, I'm shaking my head before he's finished. I take one step and then two, but I don't get any further when I see the door to the other guest bedroom. The room where they would have slept, and one that I most of all can't step foot in. My foot lifts but I place it back down, wishing I could but knowing that I can't. No, everything about the wound still felt too fresh and I know that I'm not ready to walk back into the nursery. But when could I ever be?

"I'm going to lie down," I mutter, passing the island where he stands, shoving the last of a taco past his lips.

Padding past the living room where the last of Beetlejuice plays with neither of us watching, I hope that he doesn't notice the gleam to my cheeks. I try to wipe it away quickly, and only when my face is buried into the pillow do I let my scream out. The one I'd been holding in all day as he watched me eat a few strawberries at breakfast, during the checkup at the doctor's, and zoning out watching the movie. Even if I'd wanted to, I couldn't stop the avalanche happening around my heart. It felt like the death of a loved one, because well, it was. There's the death and not even the funeral, and then what? Nobody ever talks about what comes after and how to deal with grief. Everything looked good at the doctor's visit and Harry asked a bajillion questions while I wasn't even sure what to say. I could tell he wanted to say something about how I'd been acting, but I silently thanked him for not doing so. Just like how I do the same now, knowing that he won't walk in as I cry myself to sleep for what, the fifth time in the last four days? No, it had been more than that.

I couldn't blame him, because even if he was here with his arms wrapped around me, I wouldn't know what to do. That feeling jumped off my tongue when I told him to go away yesterday when I lied about taking a nap. He'd only wanted to take one too perhaps, but I'd jumped down his throat. I didn't know what was happening to me, but there was hardly a small part of me that cared. I didn't even wish that I did.

Throat aching and eyes burning, I breathe in past the sniffles and stare out the window where light leaks in from. My baby. Our baby. I still couldn't believe that they were gone, our daughter. I'd never get to feel her kick or know what her smile looked like. I was sure it looked like his, lopsided with two dimples. That made my cheeks grow wetter, but it worsened when I thought of her name and the hollowness that came with it. I didn't stir when the door slowly creaked open, only staring at the new strip of light that interrupted the darkness.

"I'm going for a walk. Would you like to come?" Harry says, caution at the forefront of his voice. I couldn't find it in me to answer, not even when the next words came, making the line of yellow disappear entirely from my vision. "Alright, well I have my phone if you need anything . . I hope you sleep well, bug. I love you . . so much."

"Love you," I whispered, but it was too late. The yellow line had disappeared and so had he. It had only been four days since our baby had died and it felt like months, far too many. "Harry?" I call, sitting up to turn towards the door. Hastily wiping my hand under my eyes, I listen intently.

It's only moments before the wash of light returns, casting shadows along his face. His eyebrows fall into a questioning V and I try to ignore the extra tablespoon of sadness in his eyes.

"I love you too," I say tearfully, catching the tear before it falls from my eye.

A corner of his mouth itches upwards, but not quite, "I love you more, Becks." It sits on my tongue, impatient for its chance that I'm afraid doesn't come. "Were you gonna say something more?"

"No, just . . bundle up for your walk. It's cold."

"I will," he smiles, sending me a wink before closing the door quietly behind him. I remain in that pose, sitting up and watching the door, wishing he'd come back. I almost said it, but for some reason, I couldn't.

Why couldn't I just ask him to stay and to come and lie down with me? Because, he'd ask questions or want to talk about it, the thing that consumed us both, even if we tried to pretend otherwise. No, I was far past that. I never had the poker face that he did.

He didn't think that I heard him, but by now, we had gotten good at pretending in one way or another. Harry pretended like things were okay, and I pretended that I didn't hear him sobbing his eyes out in the bathroom as I laid in bed, faking being asleep yet another night. It tore at my heart but I didn't know how to tell my legs to move and cross the hallway to him. I acted as if I ate half of my plate at dinner, per our new deal, but I really only ate a quarter and threw the rest away. I pretended to not see the second glance he gave me when he walked in on me changing. I knew it but acted as if I didn't see the thinner reflection of myself, despite knowing how nutrition worked.

I ignored it a lot, but the next day when the doorbell rang yet again with a delivery man on the other side, it was enough. As I walked away from the door with another strong-smelling vase in hand, I couldn't fake it anymore. Seeing as how nothing was normal anymore, the kitchen table now overflowed with vases of flowers, us having not eaten there for weeks. My feet refused to move any closer to the hoard of a smell that now made my stomach turn.

I don't remember telling my body to do it, but suddenly, I'm watching in slow motion as the glass shatters at my feet. I couldn't tell you why I stood there, staring at the tendrils of water spreading on the floor. Neither could I explain away tossing the flowers into the garbage can with the note I never read. They all said the same thing. 'I'm sorry for your loss,' 'Thinking of you,' blah blah. Harry had been gone for a while, getting groceries at the market, and it was only a matter of time before he came back. I wasn't sure how I would explain this, and as I picked up the shards of glass, the guilt grew in my gut. The rumble of an engine outside made me jump, worrying it was Harry. Wincing, my palm suddenly burns and upon looking, scarlet soon seeps from a new cut.

I ignored his casual greeting ten minutes later, probably kicking the door closed behind him. He didn't say anything about the flowers, because for the first time in two weeks, I took out the trash after sweeping up the mess. I stuffed the blood-spotted rag in there too. When he pushed the bedroom door open with a long creak, I played pretend again, acting like I didn't hear his voice.

"You sleeping, bug?" his molasses voice mumbled, marked by the soft fall of his feet. I hadn't even heard them cross the room until they stopped behind me, and I felt his touch. "I hope you're having sweet dreams. I missed you, I do all of the time lately," he murmurs against my head.

I find it hard to not stir when his fingers drag against my temple with a lock of my hair. It had been something I'd gotten used to ignoring, but this time, as he pressed his lips to my temple, I wanted to reach out to him and grab hold, and never let go. The sensation only grew stronger as the sound of his footsteps disappeared, it all coming to a head. One that's only answered by a fitful of sobs racing past my lips, the first thing I'd felt in a while, next to the guilt at the flowers. Why couldn't I be okay? It stung, the words calling for him that I held back as I heard the sounds of cupboards opening and closing. I knew he would come. Did I really, after all I'd put him through? No, I didn't really know that. I wasn't sure of anything anymore, I realized, and it only made me sob harder.

Dinner was a doozy yet again. I'd come to dread meals. The stare-downs Harry would give me along with the protein drink he always shoved my way a good fifteen minutes after my last bite, if any. It was like clockwork yet again. This time, it was Strawberries and Cream, and as I grabbed for the bottle sitting in front of me, he stopped. No, this wasn't how it went. He usually took my plate and dumped it in the garbage, no longer sticking it in the fridge for later, because he knew that there wouldn't be one. Most of the time he only filled the plate half full, but today, I guess he'd gotten his hopes up and filled it high. Now, he didn't walk away and instead, stood there looking. At what I didn't notice until I followed his eyesight, immediately pulling the sleeve of my sweater over my hand.

"Hey, what happened to your hand?" Harry asks, nodding to the appendage that disappears like a frightened turtle into its shell. I didn't need him asking any more questions than before, or finding another reason to nag at me. "Love?"

"I-It's nothing, I just got a scratch."

"A scratch doesn't require gauze. Let me see," he insists, stepping forward with an outstretched hand. His touch is gentle but nonetheless, it feels foreign somehow, and I retract my hand from his. I catch his eye and look away, but it's too late, I've already seen how they look. How he looks at me, offended and scared all in one. "Buggie, did you . . did you do this to yourself?"

"What?" the word passes my lips in one breath, like a whoosh. Now, I'm looking at him and already, the regret has glazed over his eyes. His lips are parting with a save face, but it's too late now. "I didn't hurt myself, Harry. It's not like that. I-."

"Then what happened, Becks? Why can't you tell me, huh?" he huffs loudly, dropping his clean plate into a sink with a clash! It makes me jump and the sound of defeat from him makes him realize aloud. "I want you to talk to me, and . . I miss talking to you."

The cogs turn in my brain but the puzzle pieces with a few dozen missing ones refuse to lock together at the sound of his voice. What could I even say that would sound right? Nothing would, I know it. A quietness settles over the kitchen save for another trashy show on the tv behind us, my barstool squeaking underneath me. I could count the seconds that a word doesn't pass between us until my rebuttal is impossible to push down.

"Why won't you go to that session Dr. Baker set up for you?"

"I'm not hurting myself, Harry," I repeat, peeling my eyes from my naked fingers to look at the back of his head.

"Why won't you ever just give me an answer?" turning around, his lost green eyes fall on me. It felt like a long time ago, the way that very pair could pull words from my lips. Feelings. Kisses. Love. It digs past my own and deep into my chest, but it comes up empty-handed.

"I'm not going to a fucking shrink," I answer, remembering the bottle. Giving it a shake, I feel his eyes hot on the top of my head, waiting for me to give him something. That wasn't something I'd done for a long time, and not even the bare minimum.

"How come? You don't know that it won't help unless you try, Becks," I'm already shaking my head, sure to cause his eyes a roll or two at that. The sloshing of the liquid in my hand suffices my words, because they would have been a mess too. "I wish you'd at least give it a shot, you never know what will happen. It's sure to help to talk about . . her."

"I don't want to go, Harry. Please, just drop it."

Without looking at him, I can tell that he's not finished, even as I try to will the silence away with the glug of a drink.

"No, I'm not dropping it. This is important, Becks. You need to learn to talk about the baby. We need to."

Slamming the drink down onto the counter, the loud thud resonates with me, sounding louder than I'd intended. It reflects in his eyes when I meet them, wondering how they could still hold sunshine in them. I can't even remember what that feels like.

"Maybe I don't want to talk about her, Harry. Did you ever think about that? Maybe I don't want to go and talk to some stranger about how my baby died inside of me. A fucking stranger that probably has kids of her own or some man who's never even wanted children. They don't know and they can't know what I'm going through."

The artificial taste of the berries and cream had grown acrid on my tongue. Turning away from him with my feet leading, I could feel the one mouthful turning in my stomach.

"I can't do this any longer, buggie. I-I've lost our baby and now . . God, now I'm losing you and it's scaring the shit out of me," if my feet had continued, I wouldn't have kept walking. I'd known. I could feel the truth of his words ring in my bones, but hearing them spoken into the air was something else. "I don't know what to do anymore, Rebecca," the river had already begun to run in his voice. I was sure that if I stepped foot into it, I just might drown again too, and so I didn't. It tried to grab hold of me, but with every step taken away from him, its strength dwindled. The worsening ache in my chest at the sound I heard didn't lessen, not even when I threw myself under the covers and pillows. It filled my insides as a similar one poured from me.

It was as if last night had never happened. The entire thing almost, but not in the way I'd wished. No, I'd yearned for a lot of things in the last few weeks and not gotten them. When I awoke the next morning to the sounds of breakfast and the tv playing, it felt like some kind of joke when Harry walked into the bedroom soundlessly with a suit wrapped around him.

On his way back from what must have been finding his rings on the nightstand, he caught my eye as he slid them on. "Hey," he murmurs, a hollowness to his voice that felt deeper than last night. "I was hoping you'd wake up soon."

"Are you going to work?" the question came, piercing the taut air between us. We both already knew by the clothes he wore and the attempt he made to comb back his hair.

"Is that alright? It's just a partner meeting and some managing stuff. If you don't want me to-."

"No, it's fine. Drive safe," I mumble, turning to place my back to him. I could almost hear his nod, knowing it was there as the floor creaked underfoot.

"I will. Maybe I can grab some gnocchi soup on the way home for lunch. I shouldn't be more than a few hours."

My response didn't come and a further one from him didn't either. The sound of the bedroom door behind him did, as well as the front door and that of the garage. It had been next to never the first two weeks that the house was empty, save for me. Just in the last week, he had been leaving more for errands and grocery runs, no longer sufficing with deliveries to our front door. I'd only left the front door once, maybe twice, and that was for the checkup a few days after. A part of me wanted to just walk around the block, but the thought itself tired me out.

I couldn't remember how long he'd been gone by the time my stomach had rumbled. The last piece of cheesecake in the fridge and leftover pizza passed for lunch, if it was even that time. I couldn't do it anymore. Time. The light or lack of outside helped at times, but in our surrogate bedroom, the blackout shades didn't allude to night or day. I wasn't even sure of the time on the clock when he'd left, or even the calendar.

I hadn't turned the pages of one for a while now and upon seeing the date on my phone, it seemed foreign. Everything had at one point over the course of this all now, but the mysterious passing of it hadn't. I'd get the day of the week down and a few days later it would be a Monday again, unbeknownst to me how it could be. I grabbed another snack and was soon confused to find myself loading the dishwasher. Running it. Wiping down the counters. Washing blankets and fluffing pillows.

When I reached the top of the staircase, the blankets I needed just a few steps away, I didn't know how I had gotten here. As if in slow motion, I watched as the door swung open, the image slapping me in the face. I didn't have a clue how I had done it or how it had gotten past me to come up here to this room. The Room. Already, I saw the gift bags I knew to be filled with clothes and other gifts, the stuffed animals, small knitted blankets, and the picture frames with sonograms that once adorned the house. The image had already burned itself to the back of my eyes, only to be replaced by another moments later when the bed of my nightmares sat in front of me.

I didn't know why I'd gone to either place. The nursery and then our bedroom. It wasn't my refuge anymore because I wasn't sure if I still had one. Neither place was safe and my heart didn't feel it either when I pulled the covers over my head, an avalanche of tears making its way through my body. I didn't want to see any of that again. Being reminded of it all was something I couldn't handle, because I hadn't wanted it to be true.

The clock ticked and darkness remained in the room until it didn't. A new sound came, that of footsteps and with it was brought a light that I couldn't face. It built and grew, surmounting when I heard his voice and the crinkle of a bag.

"Hi, buggie. Are you awake? I brought home some lunch," I pushed it down again and again, but it was feeling next to impossible now.

"I'm not hungry."

"But I got your favorite muffin," he teases, crinkling of the bag following his words. The smell of the lemon cream hits my nose, but it doesn't phase me. No, the boiling underneath my skin is too different.

"I said I'm not hungry, Harry. What do you not get about that?!" I snap, pushing the bag away. "I can't believe you're already back to work. How can you just move on so quickly?" His loud sigh is unmistakable, as is the way he slams the bedroom door behind him.

The racing of my heart pounded in my ears as different sounds found their way to me. I laid there waiting and listening as he slammed doors and cursed, not immune to jumping when something shattered before a loud 'fuck!' of his came.

There hadn't been a sound for a while now when I pull back a blanket, at last not able to hear the pounding of my heart. I wasn't sure what I thought I was doing, knowing that there was no way around it. More like, him. Cautiously, I made my way past the tv playing a rerun of Saved By The Bell, and towards him. There weren't many things I'd memorized about Harry after knowing him for a few weeks, maybe shorter. I learned his cues early because I had to in order to work with him and to get somewhere, especially those alluding to his anger.

The broad back that faced me from where he sat at the island didn't tell me what I needed to know but the tension held in his shoulders did. So did the clicking of his tongue, the bouncing of his leg, and most of all, his shaking head and perturbed exhales.

"I saved you a muffin. It's in the fridge. I know that's how you like it . . Soup's in there too," the offer comes out slowly and off his forked tongue, one I know all too well. Perhaps it hadn't made an appearance yet, but it was right there, waiting. "No 'thank you, Harry' or 'how was work, my fiance?'"

"How was work, Harry? Who all asked about me? What lie did you tell them this time, my fiance?" I nearly retort, not afraid to show my horns. The lid to the jar of nuts gets stuck, but with a good twist, I get it. Pouring a handful into a plastic container, I let the next one fly before turning around. "What'd they say when you told them about our dead baby?"

The trained facade on his face washes away upon turning and quickly I realize what I've done. It's not enough though, because time has been against me for its entirety.

"You don't get to act like this. It's not okay to say that kind of shit, Becks," he tuts, wiping a napkin across his lips before standing with bowl in hand.

"But it's okay for you to go back to work already, Harry?!" the question explodes on my lips, but the volcano isn't quite done. "Our baby hasn't even been gone a month."

"You think I don't know that?!" his voice echoes off the walls around us, hitting my ears with an intensity that surprises me. If that hadn't, the expression on his face does. The anger that melts into something else. "Do you think I don't know how long our daughter's been gone, Rebecca? I wake up every morning with a new number in my head, no matter how hard I try not to. I know, okay? Twenty-three days our baby's been gone, Becks. You think I'm not having the same thoughts- feelings just because I don't show them . . And I'm not pulling a 'who has it worse' like our parents always have with us, but- but I lost a baby too, Becks! I also lost a child and you seem to forget that. I was supposed to become a dad in August to a little girl, but I never will now. I'll never meet our Phoebe Anne either."

His cheeks had long ago come to glisten as did his eyes that overflowed with them. I didn't remember mine becoming the same. Was it when something fell apart in my chest, or when the anger melted away into utter guilt? Maybe it was in between the missing puzzles piece falling into the picture and being unaware to dropping the bowl back onto the counter.

"We named her and we've never even called her that and- . . for lack of better words, it kills me. All of this fucking kills me, Becks, and I know how it's doing the same to you. It's taking you away from me and it's almost worse than the night I thought you were going to die, because I'm supposed to be able to control this. I'm the dad, almost the husband- I'm supposed to be able to fix all of this, but I can't. For once, I can't fucking make it all better and it terrifies me . . ," he trails off, crying quietly into his hands that he presses to his face. A weakness overwhelms me and I back up into the counter, afraid I can't hold myself up, but I already hadn't been able to. "Phoebe's gone and- I can hardly bear it. I know you didn't mean what you said just now, because I told Myles before I came that . . that I couldn't talk about it to anybody, Becks. If somebody had I know I would've started crying, because I did the fucking second I saw the sonogram on my desk. I went in to grab something and forgot it was there," he stops, holding onto the countertop as his adam's apple bobs after his words. Red like wild cherries, his lips press together tightly while tears run races over them and down his chin, as he stares at the floor, whimpering.

"I don't want this to break us, Becks- I already know it has and I can't . . I can't lose you. I have so many times and I couldn't handle it if it happened again, for real," his voice frays at the edges from the weight it sits under. The pounds of it feel dropped onto my shoulders when his eyes carry over to me, dripping with unspent words. "We lost our baby and I can't lose my best friend and love too, Becks. Please come back to me."

"I wish I knew how," the reply is a mere whisper but I know he hears. Even without words, he always does.

"You have to try, bug. We have to talk about her, I don't want her to be forgotten."

Bottom lip wobbling, my response is immediate, "Neither do I, Harry, but I don't- I don't know how to talk about her. It hurts so much. I still don't want any of this to be real."

Wiping the back of his hand against his nose, I hear his agreement in his eyes as he takes a step forward, "I wish every day that I could wake up and she's there and not . . not gone, but she's not coming back, Becks. And I'm so sorry," weeping, his voice is taken under by the current of the river flowing down his face. "We have to face it . . to talk about her and what happened. Or else, I don't see us getting through this."

When I realize what I'm doing, the look on his face tells all. Something sparks inside of me and I wish that I could stop shaking my head. That I could stop pulling away from him. "I can't, Harry. I'm not . . I'm not ready," I murmur, wishing I could say that I don't know when I will be. I don't because that would be a lie and although I'd broken so many rules already, I didn't want to lie to him.

Placing my back to him, I make my escape and drown out his sobs with the running water of the tub. I don't know if I'll ever be able to talk about her, and I know he's right. If we can't get past this, we may never make it back from it.

[cristophynn]

the coffee shop — chapter two

summary: it all started out when satan decided to take on a part-time job in a café near his place. by how things played out, he thought that maybe the two of you weren't meant to be and that you were just a dumb high school crush everyone has. fate had other plans, though, and he was sure as hell that it wasn't a dumb crush anymore.

pairing: satan/reader

warnings/tags: underage drinking, implied/referenced child abuse, family drama, mutual pining, ANGST

author's note: i honestly don’t know if this would be considered as angst lmao i’m so horrible at writing asdjhsabvsdjs. aaaaaaaaaa. by the way, this is an au where everyone is human and reader has they/them pronouns. <3

ao3 work: the coffee shop.

"Whatever, I'm walking home." Satan laughed as he stood up from his seat, swiftly dodging one of his drunk classmates who was trudging towards one of the food tables. Bidding his goodbyes for the last time, the blonde teen picked up his beige coat that was on his chair and slipped it on. He was barely able to avoid the drunk people dancing around, and he was tired and tipsy, too. After graduating from senior high school yesterday and partying for the whole day today, he really was worn out, and he just wanted to flop on his bed and sleep. He was supposed to be picked up today, but he figured that he didn't want to wait any longer and decided to walk himself home.

The whole graduating thing was sad to him, really, since he really did gain better friends. Ever since he worked in that cafe, his social skills did become better. He was able to start fresh when he finished junior high school, becoming friendlier and smiled a lot more. He became a science major in the academic senior high school just a few blocks away from his previous school, and there weren't really a lot who had veterinary medicine as their choice of course. Nonetheless, he still gained acquaintances and friends (and admirers too, if he were to boast) that he could count on, and he really matured a lot compared to when he was back then. He passed his college entrance exam and was ecstatic to finally be able to study veterinary medicine. He really didn't want to deal with people or their gross habits of living, and he definitely tolerated other species of animals even more compared to his own kind.

Satan was afraid that if he were to disobey his father's orders, the same thing from that night would happen to people watching over him. Ever since he left the café, his drinking habits got worse over time, which made him unable to sleep well at night without downing a glass or two of wine. He's been riding to school and back home in one of his father's cars, with one of their drivers and Azazel assisting him. There was a dash cam, so again, he really couldn't escape. He wasn't allowed to go out on weekends either, unless he was taken to school, and he was given a curfew, too. 

Walking home alone right now reminded him of when he was in junior high school, rushing to get to the café for his shifts. It reminded him of his childish antics (which he sorta grew out of, by the way) and his childish heart. It reminded him of how excited he always was whenever he went to the café, because he knew he would be seeing the familiar face of his crush that worked alongside him by the counter and making drinks for customers. He would be lying if he said his heart stopped skipping a beat whenever he would look at your pictures— because even if he deleted your number, he would never delete your pictures. He would be lying if he said that he found someone who could make him feel the same way whenever he was talking to you, or listening to you.

That's why when Satan saw from a distance the familiar café where he spent his happiest moments of his life so far, he felt the familiar excitement come back to him again like when he was in his last year in junior high. It was just as he remembered and how he first saw it, except now there was only snow on it. He could feel the familiar tugging of his heartstrings once more, the warmth in his chest, the blood rushing to his cheeks, and the memories of his times spent there flooding in his mind. He remembered how he took orders and how he was taught to make the easiest drinks so far. He remembered the old gift you gave him (that he never threw out— just inside his desk's drawer and was left untouched). Because of how much he was staring at the still-open coffee shop, he accidentally cursed as he bumped into a person and instantly tumbled to the ground right in front of the entrance. He was tipsy and tired, and it would be much enough of a reason for him to accidentally fall to the ground.

"How old are you, even?" A voice laughed as he picked himself up, and he clicked his tongue. He didn't bother looking for the source of the voice. He stood up from the ground, dusting himself and his clothes off. As he gave the stranger's amused question a reply, he began adjusting his dark green scarf that almost fell off when he fell.

"I'm eighteen, for your information. I'm just tipsy and tired."

"And yet, you still didn't change at all. Just like I remembered."

That response made him turn his head to where the source of the voice was, and he once again could feel his sixteen-year-old self's giddy emotions spring to life at the sight in front of him. His tiredness was long gone, and he felt himself sober up and go back to being his usual self. The short figure, the pastel green hoodie, the voice he loved hearing, and the sight he longed to see once more — it was all there in front of him, you were there standing in front of him.

You were smiling brightly by the entrance at the sight of him and his shocked face. His mouth was hanging open and his eyes were as wide as saucers. The light pink color that was dusted on his fair-colored cheeks reminded you of how it was easy to fluster him and how quick it was for him to feel cold. It was as if time stopped for a moment as you two stared at each other's eyes, light snowflakes still falling around the two of you. He swallowed the lump in his throat after what seemed like forever as he ran up to you with open arms, and you could see the pool of tears brimming in his eyes for a moment. It wasn't long before you felt him holding you against his body and embracing you tightly, the familiar feeling of his warmth and the scent you missed so much overwhelming you. His slender arms were around your torso, his head was rested on your shoulder, and you were sure that you heard him letting out shaky sobs that were muffled.

With a soft chuckle, your arms came up to hug him back and pulled him closer to you. "You're still a drunk, aren't you? I honestly thought you were a teetotaler now, but what just happened earlier told me otherwise." You hummed before pulling away. You watched as he stood up straight to wipe away the stray tears falling from his eyes. "You haven't changed a bit. You're still taller than me, and you still hate the cold. Your shoulders look broader, though. You worked out over the years?" You chuckled, and you could see a dark blush creep up his face as his hand went over to his nape, sheepishly rubbing it. "It's nice to see an old friend after quite a while. Let's go in and drink the night away!"

Old friend. That stung him much more than it should have. He brushed back the sudden ache that he felt in his chest and he let out a soft laugh, nodding. Right, he forgot about the fact that you didn't like him back at all. He liked you so much and remembered all his happy moments with you too much that it never crossed his mind that you were someone who didn't like him back. Even if you never told him straightforward about your feelings, he was certain that you didn't like him back. How could you? You're you, and he's him. There's no way someone like you would be able to return his feelings.

Stepping inside the café after two, almost three, years of being at his lowest point, he felt like he was at home. Everything was still the same. It was all just as he remembered. The two air conditioners that were placed on two corners of the café, the comforting warmth of the heater, the minimalist paintings that were hung on on the walls, and the smell of coffee wavering through the air. If he sniffed even more, he could even smell the familiar scent of the last loaf of garlic bread he ate just a few hours before quitting the job. It was nostalgic, and dear god did he miss it. He just wanted to turn back time and play out his cards properly just to avoid getting caught— and maybe, just maybe, he would still be working here with you up to this day. Maybe, he would have gotten to know you better or even met more of your relatives. He might have gotten closer to your niece and nephew that he babysat with you. He could remember the days that the whole crew would gather around and eat dinner on the long center table in the kitchen soon after closing hours, and then he would ride home with a stomach full of happiness.

He remembered how the both of you would make any little thing an inside joke, laughing like idiots at literally anything they find funny. He felt like it was about to start happening all over again— the conversations, the laughter, the inside jokes, the warm feelings, and light-hearted talks. He felt like his feelings for you would bloom all over again and blossom from a small bud to a bigger flower. Seeing you come out from the kitchen holding two bottles of shochu and two shot glasses reminded him of when you would bring over a large bottle of certain beverages and stacked cups for the whole crew. It made his heart skip a bit once again when he realized that the two of you were at a table and sharing a drink after three long years of waiting. Laughter and jokes were shared between the two of you the whole night, and time passed by quickly without even realizing, leading you to where both of you were right now— tipsy and being all talkative than usual.

"So, do you want to start working in the café again? Help out the family, you know?" You smiled as you took another shot of the rice wine, taking the bottle that was placed on the middle and pouring yourself another cup to fill to the brim. As you were refilling the cup, the blonde in front of you let out a soft chuckle before taking the shot glass in front of him, chugging the liquor down then setting the glass back on the wooden table. "You don't have to do it, but—"

"Passing down a chance to hang out with my best friend and catch up?" Couldn't be me, you know." Satan laughed as he watched you refill his own glass again before placing it back on the center of the table. "It's been almost three years, and I'm sure both of us changed a lot. We could catch up."

Hearing the words come out of his lips made your heart ache as you purse your lips, and you frowned as you let out a soft sigh. A moment or two passed before you gave him a sad smile with your bottom lip trembling. "I don't think we can catch up and continue this friendship…" You trailed off, your voice evidently cracking. You cleared your throat and watched as Satan's grin fell from his lips. It only made you feel worse, but you figured that it would be better than leaving without a word to him. "I'm going back to my hometown to where my parents and siblings live. I'm going to college there. I just asked because I'm worried about how Simeon would handle the café while I'm gone. He can't bake and take orders at the same time, so…"

Just as when Satan had his whole world in front of him and got his hopes up, the reality just came crashing back to him all over again but harder. Satan could feel his throat forming a lump and his chest getting heavy at the thought of him losing you again. He listened to the sound of your voice cracking before he took a deep breath and forced himself to laugh out loud. "College? I see." You could see him force a smile, and you could only take the shot glass in front of you to distract yourself. As you raised your glass and brought it up to your lips, you heard him speak up to continue his statement. "I can't really stop you from achieving your dreams, so I suppose I have no other choice but to support that, don't I?"

Satan found himself lying down on your bed that night and staring up at the ceiling, his phone by his ear as he waited for the other line to pick up. He was wide awake despite that fact that it was in the middle of the night, but he couldn't really sleep that well at the thought of you leaving him at the next morning and he wouldn't be there to bid you goodbye. It wasn't like he never done this before, either. He was used to it— choosing to stay awake like an idiot despite being drunk and then waking up to go to school the next day. He did it too much that he didn't even have a problem doing it anymore and that he could function well enough despite the intense hangover he was feeling. He was listening to your steady breaths, hoping to himself that you were fast asleep already and that Azazel was still awake. When the other line finally picked up, Satan could hear Azazel's voice answering with an alarmed tone.

"Where are you? It's already midnight. Shouldn't the party be over by now? What will I te—"

"Azazel, calm down. I'm fine, okay? The party is done, and I decided to crash over at my friend's place since it was closer to the school. Tell that to father, and in case he threatens to slap you, I want you to blame it all on me, and I'll resolve this with father."

"You should at least tell me where you're sleeping over! Also, there's no way I'm doing that! I don't want you taking all the blame for yourself! Satan, I really think—"

"I don't want you taking all the blame for yourself either. You didn't even do anything wrong, so you should at least learn how to defend yourself when father is doing something wrong to you."

Before the other man on the line could even think about answering back, Satan ended the call and turned off his phone so Azazel wouldn't butt in. A thing or two that both of them had in common was that they were both too stubborn and protective of each other. They stuck to each other whenever it was possible despite their large age gap and they always have to step in to protect each other. Satan could remember when Azazel was slapped for letting five-year-old Satan run around the park and trip on a rock. Satan could remember when his father forced Azazel to his knees and kicked him just because eleven-year-old Satan got a question wrong in his final exam. Satan could remember when he kept crying to his butler about how stupid it was of him to take the blame for something Azazel didn't even do. The least that Satan could do now that he was old enough to protect himself was to take the blame for his actions and to defend Azazel in anyway he can. It was stupid and cliché of him, but he loved Azazel more than his father, anyways.

He didn't even realize how deep in thought he was until you spoke up from the futon set on the floor, catching him off guard and startling him completely. "When you first talked about your butler, I really expected that you would think he was just like a dog to you. But, you know, I think it's really sweet that you would even tell him to blame yourself when your father gets angry. Not everyone is like that to their own butler, you know. I think he genuinely adores you by how he spoke so fondly of you." You smiled softly as you sat up from the large futon that was set beside your bed, turning your head to look at Satan.

You felt bad for letting him get home drunk and leaving him after being together for only an hour or two, so you just decided to let him stay for the night and let him drop you off the airport. At first, he was hesitant about it knowing that the guest bedroom was where you slept, but you assured him that it wouldn't be a problem at all. Of course, since the Japanese side of you reminded yourself that he was a guest, you of course let him take the bed and decided to sleep on the futon.

From his current position, which was lying straight on his back, he turned to the side so he could face you and scoffed a bit. "Of course I would do that for Azazel. He has been more like a father to me than my biological father ever was. If I could, I would move out and choose to live with him instead. Also, the only ones who do that anyways are spoiled brats and weren't raised properly. Our mom was kind enough to teach us about manners and whatnot." He answered back before letting out a snort in the end.

Now being more wide awake than ever, you let out a chuckle and nodded in understanding. "I'm surprised that all of you have different career choices though. Shouldn't all of you be working hard right now since all of you are supposed to inherit your father's business?" You asked as you tilted your head, a brow raised.

Satan shook his head in response before answering. "No, not really. It's not always that way, especially for a family as big as us. Besides, it is always the eldest who inherits the family business. I feel bad for Lucifer, really. He wanted to be a prosecutor but he became a lawyer instead because he needed to inherit the chairman position. He has it the worst out of all of us since he's expected to be as excellent as father." He let out a soft sigh as soon as he finished his statement, frowning. You watched as he sat up on your bed and took a look around the room. After a few moments of silence, a low hum came from him and he spoke up with a hint of sadness in his voice. "Anyways, you look like you're all packed up, huh?"

The smile on your face fell and you once again felt a pang hit your chest, causing you to let out an awkward chuckle. The air started to feel heavy, too. "I'm sorry." You apologized. Your guilt washed over you and made you feel completely horrible about leaving your old friend in just a few hours.

Satan breathed out before grinning, shaking his head and the smile on his face crawling back up on his face. "It's your dream, right? To study culinary arts?" He hummed as he placed a hand on your head and gently ran his thumb across your scalp, as if he was patting a newborn kitten. He knew it would be horrible if you stopped studying for your dream just to have you all to himself, and he knew he wouldn't be able to stand the guilt of doing that for his own selfish ideas. The last thing he wants to be like is his own father. "Don't be sorry for dreaming. If I found out you stayed here for me, I would be hating myself for being the reason to stop you."

And finally, after three long years of pining over him, you felt your heart skip a bit once again at his touch and at his words.

Crowded.

That was one way to describe the airport despite it being too early in the morning. It was crowded, and Satan was shocked at how it was so noisy already at 6 in the morning.. There were couples and families walking inside with a large suitcase, probably going for a vacation. There were young adults who were ready to work abroad for higher income. There were parents dropping off their kids for them to study in their dream college. And, there was you, being dropped off by none other than the crew and Satan. Holding a large backpack and two suitcases, you were just standing in front of them as you fought back the tears. It reminded you of the time when the whole Dreamland crew had happier and livelier vibes. Of course, the whole vibe of the group changed — solemn and so… glum. It made your whole goodbye, of course, heartbreaking, but you wanted to keep your chin up for them. At least, until they were out of sight and that they can no longer see you cry.

"You guys… Can't you at least smile for me before I leave?" You forced a smile on your lips as you tried to make the atmosphere lighter. When you were met by no response other than huffs or wider frowns, you couldn't help but sigh and pretend to be frustrated. "Oh, come on, it's not like I'm dying. I'm just moving. I'll be back sooner or later, I promise."

"Well, all of you know she has a point." Simeon was the first to speak up after a few seconds, throwing everyone his ever-so cheerful grin and trying to lighten the mood along with you. "We should be glad that she's going for her dream. Besides, you know what they say. People don't like goodbyes, so let's all just say our 'see you soon' to her and smile, okay?"

Of course, Simeon. The optimistic and calm cousin, often called an angel. He would never fail to lighten up moods or make everything better. His words were like miracles that people would instantly feel better from him. He brings a sense of comfort and genuinely enjoys making people happy. It was incredible at how he fixed moods in a jiffy. Soon, the whole crew was nodding in agreement and smiling wide, including that handsome hunk of a blonde that you called Satan.

When your eyes trailed over to his smiling face, you couldn't stop your heartstrings tugging at your chest in such a way that you didn't know if you were supposed to smile or cry. You knew how he already made it clear that you should be doing things for your own, to which you weren't used to doing after being so selfless all your life and serving people for three whole years. Graduating at sixteen was something else, indeed, but you knew you had to go to college once you were around eighteen or nineteen. You and your parents had an agreement about that. Everyone took turns saying their goodbyes, with Satan choosing straight off the bat that he would be the last. The moment they finished saying their goodbyes, they went back in the van to probably cry their eyes out until the last of your family was finally inside. You watched as Satan nodded and urged them to just leave him behind, saying that he'll be picked up by Azazel later.

You would definitely be lying if you said that you didn't want to just drop your bags and stay here for someone, particularly the blonde. Which is why when it was finally his turn to bid you a 'see you soon', you had the urge to completely give up on your dreams until you realized that Satan would beat himself up when that happens. He called your name with his voice that evidently got lower over the years, making your breath hitch as you swallowed a forming lump in your throat.

"I'm surprised that you used to put up with my shit all the time back when we were sixteen, you know?" He laughed softly as you only looked up at him, realizing how he also got taller compared to the last time you met him. "I couldn't really prove or show it to you, but I really did become a better person."

You nodded as you let out a soft laugh at the memories when he would come back from school with a few bruises, to which you would always patch him up and teach him how to cover up with makeup. It resulted in him wearing a face mask soon when it was time for his shift to hide his scars. You remembered how he would always grumble out an explanation to why he came beaten and bruised. As you thought back to these memories, you realized how slowly he would start coming to the café with a fresh face as the days passed by, until a month had completely passed without him getting into fights. His character development was genuinely interesting to see and witness, and you were glad that you were there to witness it. Azazel must have been happy when he stopped getting into fights and chose to study his ass off.

"I know you became a better person, Satan. Maybe tone down the drinking to avoid losing a liver?" You smiled softly before playfully hitting him on the shoulder. Satan couldn't help but let out another laugh and give you a nod in response. "Well, see you soon. Wait for me, okay? When I come back, you'll be the first person I'm hanging out with."

Satan took a deep breath as he laid a gentle hand on your head, ruffling and completely messing up your hair. You didn't mind, though, since you knew it would mess up either way during the flight. It took you a few moments to decide on how to end the goodbyes with him, seeing as that you two were completely silent during after that. None of your relatives were here, either, so you chose to stand on your toes and, without hesitating, press a soft kiss on his lips. When you pulled back after a few seconds, you saw that his turquoise eyes were wide open and his pale skin was painted with a deep red blush. You then started to litter his soft face with kisses, occasionally tilting your head a bit to reach some parts, before finally ending them with a light peck on his lips. "I'm sorry I had to leave you like this."

Satan just watched, flabbergasted and devastated, as you trudged away while tugging your luggages behind you. The coward and meek side of him chose to stand still and watch you disappear in the crowd despite wanting to go after you and give you one last kiss. When he could no longer see you and when it was clear that you won't be walking back to see him again, his chest started to feel heavy and his eyes started to water. Taking out his phone, he dialed the pink-haired man's number and waited for him to pick up.

"Azazel, pick me up in the airport. Let's have a drink."

"We're home!!" Azazel huffed out as he kicked the doors open, carrying the drunk and half-asleep blonde with all his might. Despite Satan's thin and short frame, he was heavier than expected— hence his butler's struggling. When they happened to enter the house, the whole family was just in the middle of having their dinner. You could imagine the shocked looks on their faces when they saw Satan slurring and crying on Azazel's back when said butler struggled to naturally enter the dining room to get medicine from one of the cabinets. He was literally on the verge of collapsing to the floor. God save Azazel.

Of course, Lucifer was the first to react. The eldest stood up and pulled Satan off the poor butler, visibly cringing when the scent of whiskey was all over him. Azazel literally gasped for air and sighed in relief, letting out a few coughs soon after.

Of course, Lucifer was the first to react. The eldest stood up and pulled Satan off the poor butler, visibly cringing when the scent of whiskey was all over him. Azazel literally gasped for air and sighed in relief, letting out a few coughs soon after.

"The hell happened ta him?" Mammon asked as he helped his older brother carry the youngest to his usual seat beside Lilith, concern visible in his eyes. Sure, they were used to a drunk Satan coming home, especially late at night, but him being a crying mess is a different story.

Azazel cleared his throat. "Uh—"

"Dismissed. You can rest up. You must be tired." Lucifer cut Azazel off, deciding to hear it from Satan himself instead. Of course, the only one who knew his siblings the best was him (and their mum, but she was already long gone and that they never wanted to speak of it). Before anyone could even blink an eye, Azazel was already dashing out the kitchen to run to his room. When Lucifer turned his head to look at his youngest brother, Satan was already downing Asmo's glass of wine.

Lilith let out an awkward laugh and cheekily grinned. "I tried to stop him, but he just reached out and took it, you know?" She explained as she motioned over to the blonde, who was now reaching over to take Lilith's glass of wine, only for Belphegor to move it farther from him. Satan's loud whine was heard throughout the kitchen, and everything was an actual mess. It was all cut short, though, when the head of the family ended all the fun by banging on the table.

"Shut your traps!" Their father yelled, catching everyone's attention and making the eight siblings fall silent— excluding the youngest who was still crying on the table. He had his eyebrows furrowed and fists in a clench. "It's stupid how all of you care about this good for nothing brother of yours. You know how much he causes trouble and how he completely ruins the family's image up until that age, and yet, every one of you are taking care of this incompetent and sorry ass. Stop treating him like a child!"

Lucifer frowned as he shook his head in frustration. Just as when he was about to step in and defend the youngest child, a sob was heard from where Satan sat. All attention was turned back to the blonde, and even their father's face went soft when he saw how heartbroken the blonde looked. "Hey," The blonde said before letting out a shaky laugh, not even trying to stop the tears falling from his eyes anymore. "What if someone you really like kissed you before getting on their plane?" He asked softly, voice a bit hoarse and shaky due to his current condition. Nobody tried to answer back, and nobody made a move. It was just silent, and all of them didn't dare to speak up. "Should I have chased them? Or maybe begged them to stay? What would happen if I did that?" He looked up and immediately laid his eyes on his father, before standing up straight (too straight for a drunk man) and turning his attention on him. "You did that to mom too, didn't you? You chased after her and just straight up proposed to her just so she wouldn't leave you? Do you think I could do that?"

No response.

It just egged Satan on to finish up his statement. A low chuckle was heard.

"Do you think that they would accept my proposal? Or, do you think they would start hating me for trying to stop them from getting their dreams?"

[serenbiqity]

A day wasted is a day gone. This is all I've learned from wanting to stay home and rest after feeling so tired and emotionally drained- I cause myself this?

I skipped uni and work, but it doesn't feel better to do so. All I've learned is it feels better to do the things you had planned to do, even if it's tiring. You have to keep going. If not, there is a sense of nothingness and unfulfilness thst it's hard to forgive yourself for, but necessary. You must forgive yourself for every time you try and fail, for every time you think a decision will be better for you but it isn't.. maybe sometimes it's just best to wait for the best to come. It's okay, forgive yourself and try again. Tomorrow. A new day full of opportunities and new Windows. You're not behind on anything, you're on track and doing good work. Everyone loves you. Do you? Well, some days are better than others.. some days it feels everything is personal, but it really isn't. When Abi said if I wasn't a lovely person then she'd hate me she didn't mean it and I know it was a jokr although it was hard to take because she hit something I struggle with, my trouble in making decisions (deciding wether to take one path to go to Tesco or not) annoyed her and that's what made her comment. But i know it's not intended as bad, it's just to do with her. She a better decision maker than I am and when people around her don't make decisions fast (or walk fast) she'll get annoyed. There's nothing wrong with me. But it just made me think about my journey on learning how to make decisions quicker and be more assertive in life.

With Iain, I don't know why I get so overwhelmed with what he does or doesn't... yesterday night he came home from work at midnight, and before that I relaxed and meditated and I felt a lot more relaxed and even felt asleep.. then woke up to go to the toilet, went back to bed and I heard him come home... I told him when he came back to come kiss or hug me goodnight, so he did.. that was nice because I feel it's a way of showing care and love despite busy days and different schedules, that you love one another and you wish them goodnight.. (the same goes to goodmorning kisses and everytime you see them after a while, I've always been educated to kiss the people who are close to you as a way that shows affection, as way to say hello I'm here it's nice to see you again... sometimes it hurts me if we don't do it, I usually wait for him to do so but when he doesn't I feel hurt and do the same... i guess if i have that desire i should do it whenever i feel like and not grow cold or feel bitter about it because that way he might learn naturally that that is something really important for me...

Iain is not cold... he's really affectionate and I know that... But sometimes we may be in different wave lengths, and he has worries different than mine, too.. I know that doesn't mean he loves me any less or cares for me any less... I don't know why but sometimes affection is really important for me, some days more than others... So if I keep doing it I guess, it's just the way to go... and I know he'll always return... )

Back to him leaving... as soon as he said he wanted to go to Phoebes to drop the mic off I understood but I felt a restless and I started wondering how long he was going to take and how late it was... because I know Iain and I know how close they are, they're friends and usually friends invite you to come over and just talk for a bit, specially it was her bday and I forgot that at that point...

So I was prepared for that but it made me feel annoyed because my negative thinking starting telling me thoughts like after a day at work all he wants is to go chill around Phoebes, he doesn't want to be near me, just wants to escape, when I know nothibg of this is true and although it might be true thst he enjoys Phoebes company and thst he may want to see her I shouldn't take it personally but given the time of the day it still confused me and it was hard not to take it personal and just see him leave again, just laying on bed in the dark thinking what he was doing, because I was lonely and he wasn't. And he knew I was lonely but he was still there. I know these thoughts don't occur to him, and it should be fine if I was a less complicated person. I should have just fallen asleep again but I couldn't. i asked him to wake me up for a goodnight kiss but then he leaves to be with his friend and I feel confused and less important. It made me feel like just because I was tired and wanted to sleep , he wanted to get away because what I was doing was boring and going around Phoebes was a lot more fun. I know he also needed to drop the mic off so he could lie in. I know he was exhausted so me becoming overwhelmed and freaking out again may have annoyed him and made him angry. I get it. You can only take so much and you can only have so much patience. And yet, I hoped thst even after that he'd still forgive, or understand and love me. Which I know he does, but these things happen so often.... our love must be really strong to overcome, because we've tackled these issues a lot, and although I acknowledge how much we've both wanted and tried to make it work , there's always the fear of my reaction to what he's doing next. And I haven't been able to pin down how to deal with thus because everytime is a different situation and yet it is the same thing, I guess.

Being with his friends has been a good thing because it has made me realise better who his friends are and the relationship dynamics. It's good to be there to also feel welcome and accepted in his environment with his friends.. but even though I've had the chance to do thus more often, this still happened . But each step is a step taken and I feel closer to growing everyday