#sam's cage trauma

[ladylilithprime]

53+66 Casaraph? (Maybe with a side of 93?)

53. Mutual Pining

66. It’s Not You, It’s My Enemies  

934. Hair Brushing/Braiding

Sequel to Stand and Deliver

THERE WAS NOT enough booze in the world to make Sam Winchester be able to forget Hell once the wall around his memories broke. While he had never once doubted the level of trauma that Dean carried from spending four months (forty years) down in the Pits, three on the racks and one under Alistair's tutelage, it had never really sunk in what that meant.

And then a man in a black Italian suit with a disdainful sneer had found the brothers at a rest stop in Oklahoma and touched two fingers to Sam's forehead and the world had shifted on its axis as Sam's definitions of "pain" and "eternal torment" were forcibly redefined.

The good news, Dean said, was that Sam had only been down in the Cage for a little over a week before he got pulled out. The bad news, which Sam refused to tell his brother, was that time spent in the Cage wasn't the same time dilation of ten years to a month as the Pits-- it was more like a century to a day, meaning Sam had been at the limited mercy of Michael and nonexistent mercy of Lucifer for just over a thousand subjective years.

The human mind, Sam knew from one of his long-distant psychology courses at Stanford, was not equipped to handle having memories for anywhere near that long, barely managing sixty to eighty years before things started to blur together with less and less coherency. Whatever barrier had been placed in Sam's mind to protect him from those memories, flimsy as it was in the face of indistinct nightmares he never fully recalled upon waking, it had still kept him blessedly sane and allowed him to function for six months topside before it was broken and everything surged to the fore all at once.

It became readily apparent in those unblocked memories that one thing Lucifer and Michael could agree on was that Sam was the cause of their imprisonment if not all their troubles. He forgot how to speak English for a while, trapped in a section of memories where, in a rare act of cooperation, Lucifer and Michael together had "taught" him Enochian. (He briefly recalled a moment of being glad that Michael seemed to prefer to use Adam as an on-tap battery rather than releasing him as Lucifer had done to Sam so that his little brother wouldn't be subjected to the same treatment before the pain and harsh drills made him forget who Adam was.) He had tried to hold onto his memories of his life by singing Hey Jude for a while before Lucifer cut out his tongue and then carved out his vocal chords for good measure to make him stop, and he didn't try again after he had healed.

That had been before Lucifer had gotten bored with purely physical tortures and ripped Sam out of his body. Ironically, that had been the moment that Michael hesitated, seeing Sam's soul without the shroud of his (demon blood tainted) body, and had begun to argue again. This did Sam precious little good, because he was still separate from his body and so both body and soul were subjected to the spillover of Archangelic battle in a confined space meant to house only one of them. Michael was stronger with Adam's soul to bolster him, but Lucifer was infinitely more creative and depraved, and Michael often had to retreat to heal and recover which allowed Lucifer to turn his renewed frustration and anger on Sam once more.

"Sam?"

He knew that voice, though he couldn't remember how. It wasn't Dean, because Dean hadn't spoken to him since his angry yelling when Sam stopped being able to respond in English to him.

"Oh, Sam... what did Bartholomew do to you?"

The voice was nice, really. Sam couldn't see past the blur and blinding from the latest flare up of Hellfire in his blood, but the voice felt calming, cool without being the icy cold of Lucifer's Grace that burned worse than Michael's fire. The Grace that touched him felt cool as well, like the distant memory of water, but even that gentle touch scraped harshly over his flayed raw soul and his throat ached when he whimpered involuntarily. How much had he been screaming?

"Well? Can you fix him?"

That was Dean, gruff and impatient, hiding fear behind anger. He really wasn't all that much like Michael as far as Sam could tell, but then Sam's experience with Michael was rather limited in scope if not time.

"I'm sorry, Dean. This is far beyond my ability to fix. It may even be beyond the abilities of the Rit Zien. He will need the aid of Raphael."

The calming voice sounded so sad. Sam wanted to reassure the owner of the voice, to tell them that whatever was wrong would eventually be okay, but he could barely focus enough to hold himself mostly still so as not to injure his physical body with the thrashing of his soul attempting to evade a pain that clung to him too tightly to escape.

"Raphael. The douche that exploded you that time who we trapped in holy fire?"

"....Indeed."

"Son of a bitch!"

Oh, Dean was angry again. That wasn't good. Sam tried to keep himself still even as his body fought the conflicting desires to run and to hide, only too aware with that hazy part of him not consumed in agony that he was in no shape to do either, even if nothing was physically wrong with him beyond his whole being. At least now he had a better idea of who the calming voice and gentle water Grace belonged to, even if it was hard to make the connection in his current state.

"Thought you two were fighting a civil war up there."

"We are. That does not mean that we are necessarily fighting each other. The situation is... complicated."

"Will he help?"

"If I can get a secure message through to them... yes. Normally I would suggest prayer as the most direct and uninterceptable method, but I would not subject Raphael to what you call prayers, and Sam...."

Well, that was something.

Archangel Raphael, beloved Healer of Heaven, to thee I pray, Sam recited mentally around the lancing stabs of pain from remembered punishments whenever Sam had forgotten himself in the Cage and dared to pray to anyone but Lucifer. Bartholomew has attacked and broken the barrier that kept my memories of Hell at bay. Castiel believes you are the only one who can help me, and that you will if only a secure message can reach you. I don't know if you're even willing to hear a prayer from me, but Castiel is right to be wary of asking my brother to pray....

There was a rush of displaced air and the flutter of massive wings, followed quickly by a shout from Dean and the cocking of a gun.

"Dean, stop! This is Raphael!"

"Thought you had to get a secure message to him... her... whatever!"

Apparently Raphael had changed vessels since the last time Dean had seen the Archangel.

"Sam prayed to me. Bartholomew did this?"

"So it appears. Sam prayed to you?"

"Yes. Quite remarkable. I know not of any others who would have the strength and cognisance to do so while in such a state."

"You gonna do anything about that state he's in besides stare at him?"

Hoo boy... One of these days Dean would hopefully learn not to be beligerent and antagonistic towards super powerful beings whose help he wanted. Personally, Sam blamed their Dad for insisting that anything not human was a monster. Even if angels as a whole weren't like Pastor Jim had always told them, it just felt like a sensible precaution to be polite to the beings that could smite you out of existence.

"If you will refrain from shooting at me."

"I will take him elsewhere if I find that he cannot behave himself."

While Sam was distracted trying to figure out how to laugh at that comment without either moving or breathing, another brush of foreign Grace reached out to him in conjunction with a gentle touch to the top of his head. This Grace felt like gale force winds, gentling almost immediately to barely a soft spring breeze when he not-flinched from the contact. He felt it as that breeze swept through every part of him, finding every damaged cell and literally breathing new life into them before sweeping inward to the ragged filaments of his ragged and tattered soul.

Oh, Samuel... Please believe that the cruelties visited upon you by my brothers were wholly undeserved.

Well, I did trap them both in the Cage together so they wouldn't destroy the Earth and humanity...

You did. And I find that I cannot fault you for it. Let go, Samuel. You need not carry this pain any longer.

I don't want to forget...

It is not the knowledge I ask you to release, dear one. Only the anguish through which it was imparted.

How?

Like this....

Later, when he had the time and space from his hovering brother to really think about this moment and what Raphael was showing him, Sam would be both awed and incredulous at the way the Archangel peeled away layers of malignant energy and remnant corrupted Grace from the flayed filaments of his soul with more precision than any human surgeon could have managed and then patiently guided Sam through the process of reweaving those soul filaments into a more cohesive and ordered whole that stretched out tiny tendrils to each newly healed cell and more fully connected his soul and body into one symbiotic unit. At a thought, Raphael directed Sam's attention to the remnant blocks within his mind laid down by first Azazel and then Ruby with their blood and cleared them away, then helped him build up better walls of his own without any foreign elements in their structure to cause weaknesses. When both Sam and Raphael were satisfied that Sam's body, mind and soul were all wholly his own again, Sam felt Raphael withdraw their Grace and remove their hand from his head.

A breath in. No pain. Sam opened his eyes and looked up into glittering dark topaz eyes that still held the faintest glow of Grace. "Thank you."

"You are most welcome, Samuel," Raphael murmured, rocking back on their heels, and stood, giving Sam an excellent view of their current vessel's shapely legs and soft curves beneath the sensible skirt suit. A slender hand reached out to him, palm up, and he tried not to blush as he accepted the hand up.

"Guess Dean couldn't behave himself after all," he mumbled, glancing around the interior of Rufus's cabin and finding a distinct lack of both Dean and Castiel.

"Castiel suggested that if Dean required an outlet for his energy then perhaps he should acquire suitable food for you to eat once healed," Raphael explained, lips twitching up at the corners when Sam's stomach obligingly rumbled in hunger. "He declined Castiel's offer of transport, insisting on utilizing your vehicle to go into town and that Castiel come with him anyway."

"Dean finds angelic flight to be... discomfiting," Sam explained, a bit sheepishly. "Probably psychosomatic given how much he hates flying in airplanes."

"Perhaps," Raphael agreed. Then they sighed, expression turning regretful. "I will need to depart before they return. While heinous and unwarranted, Bartholomew's attack on you has provided me with the opportunity to come and tend to you as I meant to when you were first raised from the Cage, but also provided a potential avenue of investigation for the root of the continued corruption in the Host."

The Archangel looked genuinely upset at not being able to stay long enough to see Dean and Castiel return, and Sam was quite sure it wasn't Dean they wanted to see again. "War sure makes a mess out of personal relationships sometimes, huh?"

"Indeed," Raphael said. "I will be most relieved when Heaven is truly at peace once more."

"If you ever need a break, feel free to come back down to visit," Sam offered, adding casually, "And if Cas happens to need a break around the same time, well, we can just call this place neutral territory, yeah?"

"Devious," Raphael pronounced with a smirk that still managed to look pleased. "I shall keep your offer in mind. Likewise, should you be attacked again or otherwise have need of me, do not hesitate to pray. I assure you that I will always choose to hear your prayers."

They reached up and touched Sam's cheek - no flare of Grace, just a light caress - and then, in a flare and flutter of wings, they were gone, leaving Sam alone to wait for Dean and Castiel to return with food so Sam could let them know about the offer he had made.

He had a feeling that Castiel would be making more time and excuses to visit in the future.

[blacknidstang]

Really interesting how being possessed is both likened to sexual assault and also genuinely feels like dissociation because you no longer exist in your body, you miss time, you miss memories, you're not you, you watch yourself from somewhere quite wrong. It's like the trauma and the outcome in one package happening at the same time

[abyss55199794]

[emadomu]

If I was Adam Milligan after Jack restores the world I would kms in front of Sam and Dean or I would kill them no in between.

[lazyjellyfishcreation]

We don't talk about Enochian enough.

To my knowledge, enochian is a holy language spoken my angels and god. This means it's probably also spoken by Lucifer, whom canonically has contact with the other demons (azazel for example). It's wouldn't be a long shot for the demons in hell, or at least for hell's royal family to speak the language too. It would be like french in medieval England. Speaking enochian would be a status symbol. A symbol of wealth, class, intellect and hierarchy. Especially since it's so notoriously hard to learn. But because the language only comes through one source and Lucifer isn't exactly giving seminars on the language, it would be safe to assume that the language starts to change and evolve, as languages often do. The language would change quite a bit over the centuries and millennia that Lucifer is down there, making it a different dialect. Devilish, or Hellish enochian.

The enochian used by angels/god would still be named just enochian, heavenly enochian, or the Lords enochian. Now here's where the Winchesters come in. Because they are the true vessels for Lucifer and Michael respectively, it is probably safe to assume they pick the language up faster then any other mortals ever could.

Still, Dean, even though he spends all his time with Cas practically in his ass, still struggles with the language. It is difficult to pronounce, remember and string together words. Not only that, but there are words and concepts in the language that there are no words for in english or any other human language.

The world and existence as a whole is so different for humans then it is for angels, it's almost impossible to completely get a grasp for the language if you only have a few decades of life in your lifespan. It would literally take you more then an average human lifespan to learn the language, in the same way it takes babies several years to learn their first language. So yeah, Dean struggles. Sam on the other hand, spend more then one human lifespan in hell, and came back speaking hellish enochian perfectly. He barely even had an accent. As a matter of fact, his english had a slightly different lisp to it that wasn't there before and Sam occasionally makes weird grammatical errors in his sentences. He doesn't consciously remember the cage, because of the barrier in his brain, but his soul remembers the language well enough. The reason Sam doesn't get triggered into a panic attack when he hears the language of his captor coming from Cas for the first time is because the accent, feel and intonation is so diffrent from the hellish enochian Lucifer talked to him in.

Jack is fluent in both hellish and heavenly enochian. Cas speaks heavenly enochian and Sam speaks devilish enochian. Dean is just confused

[normalbrothershow]

ignoring lucifers "and i lost my virginity to her" abt kelly kline cause sera gamble and jeremy carver did not put 5009683 sam/lucifer rape implications into s6-11 so that Mr Hard-On For Alpha Military Males can undo them

[ardentpoop]

common problem i have w/ a lot of fanon is that people tend to heavily overestimate how attentive dean is to sam's issues/needs. dean is often fucking clueless abt what sam is going thru lol. outside of the immediate strain it places on their relationship and their ability to do their Job.

[angelsdean]

Dean remembering Hell in Supernatural: Bobby Singer's Guide to Hunting.

(for context they're up against a Greek Goddess that is feeding on their memories--preferring the good ones--so Dean starts remembering all his worst ones to hurt her)

[whydotheycallmechimney]

maybe I just have on “fucked up media” goggles at all times, because I can’t believe there are people who watch supernatural and don’t draw parallels between sam’s storylines and csa/sa. there’s so much more to his character than just that, but it feels like such an integral part of him to me and goes hand and hand with his lack of bodily autonomy.

[lambmotifz]

we don’t talk about post cage wincest angst enough

[unkindledangell]

Casifer has angst potential with Dean... but what about Sam? It's no mystery what Lucifer did to Sam, and the obvious trauma he left behind. We only got a glimpse of their interaction when they were alone while Dean was on the submarine. Sam was terrified of Lucifer; he spent an entire season with hallucinations and often showed how he feels in his presence. His gestures and his gaze. So... just imagine, after discovering in such a horrible way that Lucifer was possessing Cas, how did he feel after that? How did he feel looking Cas in the eyes knowing his torturer was there? Knowing he wasn't even safe in his safe place and home. It's like if Alistair had used Jimmy's face with Dean too. Wish they'd delved deeper into that. So much potential.

[sleepyspiriit]

my entire life fortune for lucifer to refer to sam as jacks mother once in front of both of them

[cowboylwj]

little tw for self harm and implied rape

I was watching 11x09-11x11 and it made me kind of crazy so to anyone who sees this enjoy a sam and lucifer edit

[homehauntsyou]

I think about season 1 sam meeting post-lucifer’s cage sam every single day and it never hurts any less

[boywifesammy]

trapped in the Garden | post-cage wincest

It's been a week since Sam got his soul back. When Dean slips into his bed, desperate for what they had before the Cage, Sam lets him have it. He thought it'd be easier to give him what he wants than to explain- and it was, until it all becomes too much and he shuts down during sex.

(gif by @/angel-e-v-a)

[abyss55199794]

more lucifer torture