#sam riegel i dont know you but i stan you

[ewwgene-fitzherbert]

i have not seen a single episode of critical role but that tiny goblin girl??? wife

[yfere]

Shipping Calculus! Live Updates from C2E50

You know that fun story about how CritRoleStats like mark notes on a spreadsheet and shit while watching episodes? Okay, now imagine that, but with shipping.

Ah, episode 50. The golden anniversary, as they say. We certainly struck some gold on the shipping front. Masterpost here.

+ 4 to Caleb/Fjord/Jester. We have 1. All three of them working together to make Caleb into the most annoying underground clock, complete with special effects 2. Caleb and Jester (and Beau) teaming up to make Fjord’s life absolutely miserable with sailor romance novel dramatic readings and 3. Fjord and Jester vying for the right to bampf their squishy wizard man to safety. I get the impression this guy Caleb games the shipping system by being such a perfect damsel in distress.

+0 to Yasha/Jester. Alas, Jester bampfed the wizard man to safety. Yasha obviously needs to work on her damsel-in-distress impression

+10 to Beau/Jester. Listen, if these guys can spend an episode not being fucking adorable and perfect for each other, maybe they’ll stop racking up the points. Dont @ me, I don’t make the rules. Anyway, in no particular order: Beau being the gayest hypewoman and calling Jester “mistress” and “a god.” Beau being the most enthusiastic supporter of the Traveler prayeasy, Beau, knight-in-can’t-wear-armor, bearing her love’s favor pet weasel into battle running the fuck away. Jester having Beau do dramatic romance novel readings because Beau was bored—and Beau loving the shit out of it, and Jester getting very distracted by the reading. AKA by Beau’s sexy character voices.

+8 to Caleb/Jester. Caleb continuing to absolutely be on Jester’s wavelength, ft. “Should we look for their babies?” Not to mention, Caleb—he fucking—trades in his darlingest cat so that they can save some random ugly caged creature, purely because Jester made sad eyes at it. What a whipped little sweetheart. But I suppose Caduceus wasn’t on board with that, because he smacked two points out of the ship by immediately freeing the caged creature to face a grisly death. This guy also cockblocked Jester from gaining points via flashlight-ribbon, all “my Light spell is better than yours” Stop mucking up Caleb’s romances, Caduceus.

+4 to Caleb/Fjord. They also get wonderful #married bickering, ft. Fjord having way too much faith in Caleb’s book-smarts. “My grandmother used to keep me up late at night reading me stories about things like this NO I DON’T KNOW. I KNOW HISTORY ABOUT MY COUNTRY, NOT UNDERGROUND CASTLES.”…………priceless. Beautiful. Give me more of that right now. Also: Fjord and Caleb continuing to bond over being absolutely done with the rest of the group at various points. Team Dad FTW!

+12 to Caduceus/Caleb. A perfect demonstration of how this duo have made the ULTIMATE BATTLE COUPLE. Slow saving their bacon and allowing Cads to get a hit in. Bane, seemingly tailor-made to prevent Caleb from getting smashed to bits and also helping his spells land. Caduceus casting Sentinel to save Caleb, saving Caleb’s favorite person from annihilation by fire, giving him resistance, and sealing the exit right behind him after unsuccessfully trying to force Fjord to pick up the damn wizard and bring him inside! Cads even supports Caleb’s dumb Fae King shenanigans—truly, the most supportive husband. Also: road trip buddies! Asked to stick together in the middle. [”I’m Sticking With You” starts playing] Also: camp buddies! Working together to make the dopest Bubble/Stoneshape nighttime arrangements. Also: Caduceus deciding that he likes Caleb’s metaphors even though he absolutely does not understand them, and Caleb being strangely preoccupied with the concept of cows, for some reason.

+2 to Fjord/Jester. The pair were also made Road Trip Buddies, further confirming the cast’s attachment to three particular pairings this campaign. Considering Yasha and Nugget were paired up, they are absolutely the 3rd OTP what--who is this Beau person? But of course there is much more than that for this pair! There is Jester being a source of Support and Validation re: Dire Sheep being cooler than Ordinary Cow when it comes to polymorphing enemies, and Fjord taking over Sending counting duty. There are points taken away though, for Fjord trying to convince Jester to abandon Nugget, which crosses a line even for #married bickering. The dog can take care of himself better than you can sometimes, Fjord, smh. More points taken away for Jester excitedly regaling Fjord with horror stories from her childhood, unintentionally torturing him (or do all of these add points? Time will tell).

+2,000,000 to Nott/Yeza. Nott the Brave continues to put all ships to absolute shame in this ep. Alone, surrounded by deadly fire giants, with her only route of escape cut off from her, she closes her eyes, thinks of her husband—and walks into lava. There are love songs written about people who will walk through fire and hell for their love, but words are cheap. This woman. She is what love is all about.

-3 to Sam Riegel/All Us Goblin Stans. Reigniting the fires (ha) of the gobs-shouldn’t-be-evil-or-hated discourse, all while hiding behind the authoritative mechanical voice of MerSiri. Come on out, Sam. Face us.

-100 to Fire Giants/Whoever their boss is. I mean, that bridge was built there for a fucking reason. People who work in that building probably need to use it. You can’t fucking destroy a company bridge just because you can’t figure out how to smash a fucking tiny ass goblin. You bozos. You absolute fools. This is coming out of your paychecks.