#safe to say he really liked when fashion became simple and when brutalism was starting to become a thing

[suppenzeit]

guy who collects public transit schedules and thinks that b- blood is the yummiest. like a normal person.

[t0bey]

plum drop the essay on fuyu/peko and mondo/taka paralelles !!!! i am curious

ask and u shall recieve (inserting my first ever page break because holy FUCK this got long) 

oke! I guess I’ll start off with Peko’s initial conception as a character, which was the main initial comparison danganronpa intended between Peko and Kiyotaka.

I’ve noticed danganronpa has a tendency to re-use character tropes or roles after each game, tho their fates end up differently. For example, Chihiro was the smart, cute, and sweet character who ended up dying early on and had little significance outside of alter ego afterwards. Chiaki is the same, except if Danganronpa took Chihiro’s character and made her one of the main protagonists that has much more significance in the game. 

The staff of SDR2 confirmed that they based Peko off of Kiyotaka, from their intense red eyes (which was intentional) + predominately b&w colorscheme, they both have swords, and their characters are tied to justice, though in different ways. Not to mention both are meant to be extremely disciplined, but ultimately struggle at socializing due to their rough backstories. But that’s where Peko’s ties to Taka as an initial concept end there, because the parallels between Peko/Taka and Fuyuhiko/Mondo are a whole ‘nother ballpark.

Before bringing that up though, we should note that while their designs are significantly different, Mondo and Fuyuhiko are extremely similar in terms of their backstory and personality (down to their ability to curse like a sailor). Both struggle with an inferiority complex (Fuyuhiko w/ how he isn’t taken seriously because of his babyface, Mondo w/ how his self esteem is really fragile and gets jealous of others when he acknowledges them to be stronger than him). Both act like tough, aggressive lone-wolfs (well, Mondo pre-sauna anyways), but have been stated to have a soft side, to the point they doubt their capabilities of being a tough leader because of it. They both even have a sibling they both believe would be a better leader than them (Daiya and Natsumi). BASICALLY fuyuhiko and mondo are the same role, being the intimidating gang leader that no one should fuck with, but in actuality has a lot of insecurities behind that facade. 

Ok, ok, time to the ACTUAL relationship parallel analysis. We now know why Peko/Taka are meant to be parallels, and we can definintely make a solid claim for Fuyuhiko and Mondo. This isn’t new for Danganronpa, in their tendency to use patterns but give them a different twist depending on the game. Which is exactly what happened in  regards to chapter 2 of THH and SDR2, respectively.

The games’ chapter 1s are simple: meant to introduce the characters/game/stakes. Leon and Sayaka’s deaths were tragic, but the emotional impact of them wasn’t the main priority by the writers. Only to show that this was, indeed, a Killing Game where anyone’s possible to die. But chapter 2 of danganronpa is intended to be the chapter where you’re introduced to just how emotional and tragic the games can actually be, meant for maximum heartbreak (for both the characters and the player).

Chapter 2 of THH was where the different students’s relationships between each other became more solid. Sakura and Aoi were good friends. Toko’s obsession for Byakuya first solidified. Hifumi being Celeste’s servant, etc. Taka and Mondo’s fast developed friendship is no different. After the sauna, the two clicked so much that they believed calling each other just a friend wasn’t really accurate, and settled on calling each other brother instead. While they don’t have memories of their close friendship during Hope’s Peak at this time, it’s heavily implied that their closeness during that time made them subconsciously gravitate towards each other so fast, which could also be seen with Sakura and Aoi, and how Chihiro was able to find Makoto familiar during their introduction. 

Peko and Fuyuhiko’s relationship could be considered to be just as close. The two grew up together, quite literally since they were kids. Like Taka and Mondo’s relationship pre-sauna, Fuyuhiko and Peko’s relationship was somewhat strained, though it’s more deeply rooted than two extremely contrasting guys clashing over their perceptions of each other. Fuyuhiko is extremely insecure in his place as the Kuzuruyuu clan’s head, and sees Peko’s desire to protect him and carry out his commands as an unwanted crutch that challenges his desire to be independent, as well as extremely worrying considering how because of this, Peko devalues her own life and worth as a person. Fuyuhiko very much loves Peko as a person, and as such tried to distance himself from her during their time on Jabberwock Island. Though unfortunately, Peko took this as him loathing her in general, further cementing her desire to be his “tool�� because if he couldn’t stand being around her, she might as well make herself useful to him.  

Now. Finally to get into the explicit parallels between the relationships of Kiyotaka/Mondo, and Peko/Fuyuhiko. Peko and Taka’s perspective on their relationships is a great starting point. 

Each game’s chapter 2 shows just how willing both Taka and Peko are willing to go in order to protect Mondo and Fuyuhiko. Peko’s motive for killing Mahiru wasn’t to escape, but to in her eyes save Fuyuhiko from the Killing Game, by using herself as his tool to carry out muder, and have everyone incorrectly vote for her so Fuyuhiko could get away. She was his bodyguard in the truest sense of the word. Now in THH’s chapter 2, instead of fighting against Mondo in proving his guilt, you’re fighting Kiyotaka. He refuses any evidence you throw at him, arguing relentlessly to prove Mondo’s innocence, to the point the only reason he stopped was because Mondo told him to. And you later find out, in chapter 3, that Kiyotaka felt so determined to prove Mondo’s innocence was because he felt like it was his responsibility to, as he cared for Mondo so much. 

So, in a way, Taka considers himself Mondo’s bodyguard. Just without the years worth of reinforcement that you’re nothing but a tool to be used which makes you devalue your own worth as a person. (Not that his self esteem and willpower wasn’t ultimately crushed by Mondo’s execution, but that’s only because the circumstances he lost him was undenyingly brutal considering the Killing Game). While the circumstances of Peko’s desire to protect Fuyuhiko are really murky and problematic considering how she was raised, Danganronpa confirmed that she protected him so much because of her care for him, to the point she was willing to sacrifice her own life to assure that Fuyuhiko is safe. And Kiyotaka was willing to go to the exact same drastic measures, by voting for himself. 

It’s also worth noting that in the stage play, he willingly accepted to be punished alongside him by doing this to make sure Mondo doesn’t die alone. 

So from my own understanding, Super Danganronpa 2 took the tragedy of Mondo and Taka’s relationship, and flipped it so that while it still follows its signature use of repetitive patterns, they made the circumstances different, but just as heartbreaking. And how? Because they took the Taka of the relationship, and made Peko the culprit. It’s not the Mondo this time, which is who you’re supposed to expect to be the culprit, because of your expectation from THH’s trial 2. 

Peko tried her best to protect Fuyuhiko, much like Kiyotaka tried to after he recognized the fact Mondo was the blackened. Both were, at the expense of their classmate’s and their own lives, were willing to protect them both, no matter what. Peko took a more active role in trying to do this however, which is what Kiyotaka severely regretted not doing, as stated in chapter 3. 

And Fuyuhiko is what would have happened if Mondo was forced to face the consequences of his actions (in Fuyu’s case, being partially responsible for Mahiru’s death, in Mondo’s case, Chihiro’s). Instead of Taka arguing to prove Mondo’s innocence, it’s Fuyuhiko who’s doing that for Peko. A deliberate use of subverting the pattern given to us by THH’s chapter 2.  

That’s the main takeaway, but I suppose I should also address the romantic parallels while I’m at it. I personally don’t like Kuzupeko as a romantic relationship, mainly because of how Peko’s self worth and personal value of herself as a person was as a direct result from being considered Fuyuhiko’s “tool” and their professional relationship as yakuza leader/henchman. Fuyuhiko does love her as a person, but that doesn’t negate the years of psychological degradation Peko endured to consider herself as a tool. Though in typical Danganronpa fashion, they choose to gloss over the problematic aspects of their relationship while heavily implying romantic subtext between them. So while I can’t say I’m a fan, I know the game/DR3 anime says otherwise. 

And as for Ishimondo, I know some will disagree with me, but I definitely feel that their relationship is heavily lined with romantic subtext as well. Not much is really explicit in the game outside of Ishida and Hifumi’s romantic rivalry for alter ego (who Taka considers Mondo), but the mangas and posters definitely show their relationship that most would consider normal for couples.

But at the end of the day? Both Peko and Taka love Fuyuhiko and Mondo, whether or not you consider both, one, or none of their relationship to be romantic. They wouldn’t have put their own lives on the line if it was anything else. And it’s that emotional connection between Kiyotaka and Mondo, and Peko and Fuyuhiko that’s meant to give you an emotional punch in the gut for THH and SDR2’S chapter 2’s, because of how far the two were willing to protect them.

[fanfictiondreamscape]

To Grab the Gold

Request: Could you maybe do a yurio x reader where the reader is a skater in the girls league at the same level as him. And though she almost always wins gold like her brother victor she’s always hard on herself saying she could do better. Either headcanons of how he would handle it or a Scenario please and thank you!!!!! Love work by the way!!!!!!!

Title: To Grab the Gold 

Genre: fluffy, strays a lil into angst-y territory (but it should be fairly short)

Pairing: Yuri Plisetsky x Fem!reader

Notes: Okay, so thank you for this request! I’ve always wanted to write something about the reader being a sibling of Victor or someone, so this gave me the prime idea! 

Otherwise, I feel as if I can relate to this idea in itself - being hard on yourself. It can literally be seen on this blog. It’s so nice and it makes me so happy to see that people enjoy the work I put out. So, I will thank you for that. 

That said, I went with headcanons. Small warning, though: 

These ideas will stray into territory that can be triggering. I would give it a specific label, but it is simply amplified insecurities, so if you deal with that - please proceed with caution. 

KEY: (Yuri = Plisetsky, Yuuri = Katsuki)

Below the cut! 

we have to cover this before anything else is said:

the figure skating world is brutal.

with that in mind, seeing as you had managed to jump the ranks as quickly as you did, people knew you as a formidable competitor. 

yuri in particular knew how fierce of a competitor you were, seeing as he had trained with you and your brother victor under yakov for as long as he remembers.

so yes, while you two did grow up beside each other, you never really talked to anyone besides yakov, victor, and mila (from time to time) 

in short, you two barely knew each other despite growing beside each other. 

funny occurrence when you consider that he was of the few that knew of your habits when skating.

in similar fashion to your brother, you were almost a natural on the ice, and the way that you moved even off the ice was graceful yet intimidating. 

it frankly shocked the other people competing against you in the senior division in which you debuted.

yuri was beside you the whole way.

literally.

when victor had made the claim that he was going to coach yuuri katsuki, he had suggested that you join him and train under him for the year. 

you reluctantly agreed, though you also avoided saying anything to yakov as you weren’t as straightforward and recklessly fearless as victor is. 

that said, yuri was a little disappointed and jealous.

he knew it was baseless, you were victor’s younger sibling, after all

what right did he have to keep you here?

what really bothered yuri was the fact that victor had made him a promise. 

and he intended to make sure he kept it. 

so when he showed up at the local ice rink out of the blue, you were left jaw-on-the-floor. 

were you really surrounded by people that were purely impulse and nothing else? 

you didn’t let the event prevent you from working on your senior debut pieces, though.

while yuri and yuuri were being coached by victor, it was only when they were done for the day that victor stood by and helped you with your senior debut. 

you already had high expectations, after all - if you couldn’t hold up, what would happen? 

you and yuri are the best new entries, so if either of you couldn’t hold up, what would go down if victor decided to quit coaching for competing in the next season and you had to go back to yakov?

what about if you had failed to grab even silver in your debut?

you knew you could do it, and you wanted the satisfaction that came with the draping of the medal around your neck, standing on the highest pedastal on the winner’s platform.

at least, that’s what you were trying to convince yourself to do. 

you had been trying and failing to do an even more advanced jump than what you usually did.

and you wanted to use it in one of your routines

but the best you could do was the mount. 

your landing was flawed at best, and a wipeout at worst. 

it was starting to get to you.

many things swung around in your head.

‘is it my weight? is it being distributed incorrectly or did you just gain some?’

‘maybe it could be the routine itself. is it good enough to shock a crowd and win the gold?’

‘or, maybe, it’s just the fact that victor wasn’t able to focus and help you when you needed it most?’

the ideals that had been drilled into your head differed greatly from victor’s 

and the fact that you had the expectation to live up to his abilities was starting to get to you for once.

normally, you’d just brush it off, but your competitive nature kicked into full gear and you felt the overwhelming need to avoid disappointing and losing.

you loved the feeling it brought to you. what else was there to say? 

that, and you knew how victor could get when he had expectations. 

just because you’re his family, doesn’t mean that you are exempt from his expectations of nikiforov gold. 

which is why you worked your ass off. 

you lost weight in favor of toning, you made sure to reach the rink before and after the three males entered and left.

more often than not, you would be eating a meal in your designated room in at the hot springs later at night, after your daily workout. 

the new jump that you had been trying to accomplish was barely coming along

your routines were starting to slack.

you didn’t know what was going on, as things like this were normal, but they never reached this extent.

either way, you worked and worked and worked.

eventually, you had begun to skip dinner

you had begun to lose sleep 

you had started to pass out at random times.

despite how much you tried to hide it and play it off as if everything was normal, everyone that saw you could tell that wasn’t the case by any means. 

yuuri was trying to get you to stop and relax, but in your work-induced mindset led to you lashing out at him. no matter what he did, nothing worked. 

yuri and victor had been aiming to get you to relax and stop working as well, but even they knew that you wouldn’t do that unless some more powerful entity forced you to.

that, and the sheer amount of disappointment that had started to rain over your being was starting to transform into anger. 

you were beginning to have outbursts, your were beginning to perform as if you were a simple novice.

you were beginning to look as if you were going to fall apart after a single breath. 

you failed to realize and care about your wellbeing until you wiped out on the ice and couldn’t get back up. 

you were lucky that yuri had stayed back to get something he forgot, otherwise you might’ve been stuck there all night. 

which is why you had to face the music and realize that this wasn’t the way to go about it. 

he had made quick succession in making sure that you were okay as soon as he was exiting the rink and saw you passed out on the ice. 

he panicked, frankly, but he made sure to get you off the ice and on a bench before calling yuuko over to tell her to call victor.

everything was moving fast, and he swore he could feel his heart racing in his ears as he saw you still on surface.

you looked pale, a weird mix of purple-blue and green, and the image left him speechless.

victor and yuuri rushed over to the rink as soon as they could, and when yuuri saw you his jaw fell to the floor

victor, on the other hand, ran to your side and picked you up.

he was able to notice the way you fell limp.

long story short, you looked dead.

it scared him senseless, and yuri could understand the sentiment. 

over the time that he had spent in Japan, he had grown to appreciate the amount of work that you had put forth to succeed.

sadly, even he didn’t know that you would push yourself to this extent.

and he now knew why he became even more drawn to you.

you took pride in your abilities, but he never knew that you pushed yourself this far to achieve whatever goal you had set for yourself.

this event was what forced him to become aware of his feelings for you. 

he could now realize why he always watched you, mesmerized at the way you carried yourself.

and he now understood why he wanted to make you feel safe.

after you were taken to the hot springs and taken care of, victor and yuri stayed by your side as you were still unconscious.

a warm towel was resting on your forehead and you were covered with a blanket. 

for extra measures, they had even kept a small heater beside you to make sure that you didn’t freeze while resting. 

“yuri, can i ask you something?”

“ah- what is it. victor?”

“if she decides to go back to yakov, watch over her for me.”

“...”

“i can tell. she has taken a liking to you, and i know you have taken one to her.”

“...”

“she trusts you, yuri. and after this, i fear that this could happen again, so please. make sure she takes a break.”

“...i promise, victor.”

“...thank you, yuri.”

victor left after that, patting yuri on the back 

(he wondered what he failed to notice, despite his overprotective nature when it came to you.)

yuri sat there, overnight and into the next morning.

yuuri and victor came in to check on you, brought him breakfast, but everything the next day seemed to slow down.

eventually, you woke up, but you were lost. you were even more disappointed than you were before. 

if you needed the cloth on your head changed out, yuri did it.

if you needed the heater turned on, he did it.

if you needed literally anything, he did it or got it for you. 

otherwise, he’d just be silent and act as a safespace for you if you ever needed it.

similarly to how he might handle insecurities that you may have, he would be very careful with the subject.

he’d be a little awkward, though he’d power through for your sake. 

after a few days of just relaxing and stretching, doing some light exercises (and i mean E X T R E M E L Y light exercises), he’d do some slight skating with you to calm you down.

if you wanted to see something from him on the ice, he’d do it for you.

hell, he even did his developing competition piece for you so you could have entertainment in analyzing his technique and ability.

he loved seeing the way your face would light up when you would watch him perform.

eventually, the time passed by.

you came to realize yuri plisetsky as himself completely, aside from just facing the persona that he projected to the media, people he worked aside, and to his fans. 

it made you realize what you had been feeling the whole time. 

you had been put on light work by victor, as he didn’t want to see this happen to you again, so weeks had passed before you went through your intense debut routines. 

it was only on the night that the competition for who victor would coach came up that you were able to go through even a snippet of it. 

yuri, following his loss, was distraught.

he still powered through the night, though. 

when you saw him after the event, you asked him to join you on the ice.

you had a speaker set up on the edge of the rink, playing some lofi music to make sure the mood had stayed calm.

you two just skated around, no real reason as to why except to settle from the day.

“hey, yuri.”

“hmm?”

“you were amazing. as usual, but...”

“...but?”

“...i wanted to thank you.”

he stayed silent to let you continue, but you knew that he was listening. his skating had ceased just the slightest as he had been slightly ahead of you in the rink.

“i...i made a stupid mistake by failing to pay attention to my health, and i wanted to thank you for helping me.”

the silence that followed was comfortable, and as the both of you were very hesitant to say what loomed over your hearts, you were both already aware of what the both of you did meant.

‘i love you.’

the rest of the time in the rink was passed by you and him holding hands and making rounds around the rink 

he even slipped some fancy ballroom moves in, making you flush and laugh. he did the same alongside you.

the next day, there was something melancholy in the air.

and even though you had told him that you wouldn’t be returning to yakov for the season, you did emphasize that you wanted to continue talking to him. 

“hey, yurio!”

“how many times do i- don’t call me yurio!”

“not gonna happen. either way, before you leave, promise me something?”

“what is it?” (it was gentle, and the scene made victor, yuuri, and yuuko gush)

“i better see you on that pedastal kissing that gold medal, plitsetsky.”

“only if i see you up there as well. though you better be careful, or i am going to ignore it.”

“got it, got it. now...promise me?”

“i promise.”

[doctorlambie]

Eurovision Roundup 2017 - Brand New Commentary Team, Same Old Snark

Introduction - Roster Changes

As seems to sometimes be the case, the Eurovision drama started well before the competition. First off, Russia’s entry was banned from even entering the Ukraine due to some law involving Crimea that I still don’t fully understand. They were given the option of performing remotely, but turned it down. To be brutally honest, I didn’t really notice they weren’t there.

Next up came the news that Julia Zemeiro and Sam Pang would no longer be hosting the show nor providing commentary for Australian audiences. We were instead going to be treated to... Myf Warhurst and Joel Creasely. Australian Eurovision fans everywhere collectively went “Huh?”

Luckily, it turns out we were in very safe hands. Like Russia, I ended up not really noticing the absence of Julia and Sam.

Semifinal 1 - Huge Lies and Horrible Truths

After the iconic pompous music, things kicked off straight away with some hip hop that, unless I’m mistaken, involved lyrics that mentioned guillotines. Wait, what? Combined with the immediate snark of our new hosts Myf and Joel, I knew we, and Eurovision, were already in safe hands for another year.

Although I was immidetaly put back in a doubtful mind when I realised we would have to deal with three hosts on stage. And one of them didn’t even make an effort to dress for the occasion. They spoke about bringing the world together (not mentioning the fact that they failed to bring the Russian part of the world into the equation). Thankfully the underdressed host was banished to the green room (which as usual was neither green nor a room) for the duration of his duties.

Sweden kicked things off by starting their song backstage, which I’m sure was wonderful for the thousands of people who had paid actual money to be there in person and see them perform. Once they managed to make it onto the stage, they introduced us to the unintentional theme of the night: treadmills. Unfortunately, the lyrics of the song also made the singer sound like a stalker. And yet they still made it to the final.

Australia continued the treadmill action and threw in some spaces and pyrotechnics for good measure, because nothing says Eurovision like sparks and pyrotechnics for a song that absolutely does not justify their use at all. Before he took to the stage, Myf promised us that a giant prop would be involved. SHE LIED.

Even necessary pyrotechnics had nothing on the Eurovision-ness that was Montenegro. Disco. Sequinned pants. A ponytail at least a metre long that was the singer’s own dancing partner. I did’t know what the hell was going on at the time. I still don’t.

New to the broadcast on SBS this year was the occasional snippet on how to cater for your Eurovision party by creating what I can only describe as gastrointestinal monstrosities. First up was how to make a savoury cake. Later on in the evening we were encouraged to mix alcohol types to create some sort of punch guaranteed to give you alcohol poisoning.

The broadcast was also dominated by an advert for speakers that seemed to get played in every single ad break. According to this ad, in order to fix the socially awkward silence in your home, you need an unruly youth to hurl a speaker through your window.

During a backstage interview, one of the singers tells Myf and Joel “All my idols are dead. Which is sad.” Another backstage interview a little later revealed that the Polish singer once posed for Playboy. She sang about animals. (I think.)

Finland had smoke coming out of their piano and a song that was literally about blackbirds. They should have learnt from that other disastrous act that had a piano on fire, because like that act, they failed miserably and didn’t make it through to the final. Armenia continued the smoke theme, and threw in some interpretive dance and a lot of vowels for good measure.

Slovenia sang about how he’s going to leave us all, and leave he did by not making it through to the final. Latvia rounded out the night by giving us the craziest costume of the night and the craziest eyes of the night.

Before moving on we were treated to some sensible culinary action for once. However, it involved chicken and by this time it appeared his guests were sensible enough to check it had actually been cooked properly before eating it.

After the traditional recap of all the acts we got a reminder of how Australia was robbed of a win last year, and then we got the traditional reprise of last year’s winning song. After some more boring padding the successful acts were revealed and then we got another unnecessary recap of the winners.

Semifinal 2 - Call the Locksmith

Because everyone apparently has a bad memory and can’t remember what happened a couple of nights ago, we got a recap of the first semifinal. After that was out of the way, we all had to find a way to burn out our vision because of the absolutely horrible suits the hosts were wearing. At least the accordions hid some of it. The accordions were for the opening act, which was a traditional Ukrainian interpretation of previous winning acts. It actually wasn’t that bad, although it was difficult to pick a lot of the songs.

The acts finally got underway with Serbia, who sang in what could be described as a very strange wedding dress. There was some reverse crab dancing, but that clearly only worked for Euphoria because they didn’t make it through to the final.

Backtage, FYR Macedonia rapped and Romania yodelled. Two genres that should never go together. 

But Romania had other ideas. They gave us yodel rap fusion. With giant cannons onstage and hideously awful graphics on the screen in the background. Phenomenally, this somehow made it through to the final.

FYR Macedonia’s actual act had nothing to do with rapping, despite their backstage shenanigans. It was a decent enough dance number with some sex appeal, in which the singer sang about dancing alone. But she was pregnant, so was she really dancing alone?

Our first culinary adventure for the night was brioche smeared in peanut butter or chocolate spread and then topped with chocolate. Wait. That actually sound delicious. The sugary high of a successful trip to the Eurovision kitchen for once was sadly not to last.

Backstage, the Australian representing Denmark casually admitted they once owned a snaked which is apparently no big deal next question please.

The Netherlands took us back to the 90s and at the same time gave us the first proper key change for the night. But the key changes didn’t stop. Ireland sang in a hot air balloon and was clearly affected by the helium but still managed to give us a blatant key change. San Marino gave us duet disco with a blatant key change. In fact, there were so many key changes in the night I think some locks will need to be changed.

After our next culinary lesson tried to kill us with cholesterol, Switzerland killed Big Bird and sang a disco ballad in a dress made from the remains. Lithuania gave us brass and horns, which had been sadly lacking this year. They sang about revolution in a catchy 70s disco style. They didn’t make it to the final.

Israel did make it through with a typical Eurovision dance number, and then we had to endure our last trip to the kitchen of death for the night. Deep fried balls of meat were made out of things that deep fried balls of meat should not be made out of.

With our hosts now wearing what can only be described as “slightly more sensible suits,” we were subjected to the obligatory recap. And then came the interval, and it was an interval rivalled only by last year’s “Love Love Peace Peace” song. For the partner of the FYR Macedonian singer proposed to her. Live. In front of millions and millions of people. It is a proposal that shall never be beat.

The night was rounded off as before, with the reveal of the winners and an unnecessary recap.

Grand Final - Eurovision Royalty

The final began with traditional Ukrainian beads falling from the sky, injuring nobody in an unrealistic fashion. Dramatic music promised us a grand opening of epic proportions, but we got nothing. Instead, we got a catwalk fashion show parade of the contestants making their entrance into the arena.

Our hosts displayed more horrible dress sense, but luckily we didn’t have to endure it for long because there was no actual opening act and we got straight into it.

Belarus gave us an admittedly catchy upbeat indie song. There was a lot of white and they sang one what can only be described as a hovercraft boat hybrid. This was never fully explained, although there were some clear new age influences in their act so perhaps they felt no explanation was necessary.

Then there was Moldova. There are only three things you need to know about this act. Firstly, it was a song about falling in love and marrying your friends mother. Secondly, it had what I truly believe was the best costume change in Eurovision history, where the dresses of the three women doing back-up vocals elegantly became bridal gowns. Even better was the way it was shot in the semifinal, where it looked as though it was a trick of the light at first. Finally, this was performed by Sunstroke Project, which meant Epic Sax Guy WAS BACK. And he hadn’t changed a bit.

Italy were their main rivals in the craziness stakes, singing about philosophy while being backed up by the Wiggles and a guy in a gorilla suit. Hungary played a milk jug and sang about... something. I actually don’t know, because the lyrics were all over the place.

After that we were “treated” to more food poisoning. This time perfectly good sausages got ruined.

Denmark was Australia’s back-up act, seeing as the singer was Australian and had won The Voice. Sure, she had a gigantic piece of glass for a ring, but boy could she sing. 

Portugal sang a sweet, quiet song about love. It was a simple song that felt like it was from a time gone by. It was just him on a mini-stage singing to the world. It was the favourite to win, and I can sort of see why.

Azerbaijan drew on a chalk board while a man with a horses head violated proper ladder safety. Later on Greece would up the ante by having two guys splash around in actual water, wearing microphones and thus creating a horrible electrical hazard.

Croatia demonstrated what would happen if Smeagol/Gollum sung a bilingual operatic duet on his own. Norway tried to channel Daft Punk. Austria sang about running on air, whilst sitting down for most of the song. There was a giant disco ball crescent moon which seemed to serve no purpose. Sadly, as we all know, that was not to be the only moon of the night.

Somewhere amongst all this chaos was an interlude where Eurovision winner and last year’s host Mans trained up our hosts to do this year’s contest. All it did was prove Mans should host again.

After that was the United Kingdom, and boy were we in for a shock. After all the failures, after all the dull entries, after trying so deparately to clearly not win, the United Kingdom gave us a song that was actually really good. So much so that the Australian jury deservedly gave it our 12 points.

Then it was time to revisit the kitchen one final time, where we learnt how to make chicken kiev nuggets. It sounded good in theory, until you realised that everyone would subsequently burn themselves on the damn garlic sauce that would inevitably drip down onto their fingers once they bit into it.

Cyprus sang about gravity in a completely unscientific way. Germany sang about her perfect life, although it wasn’t entirely clear what her perfect life was. The Ukraine gave us the hard rock that we desperately needed. Not because of the song and genre (the song was fairly ordinary), but because it meant we got a big silver head with laser eyes on the stage.

Belgium gave us a decent disco power ballad and then France rounded out the night with a catchy little pop number.

With the acts done it was time to start the voting, and to do that required something special. The hosts announced that it would be done by Eurovision royalty. I braced myself expecting some dull banter with one of the big-wigs in charge of the competition and broadcasting union. That was the complete opposite of what we got. Because what we got was DANCING.

After the recap the interval act kicked off with former Ukrainian winer Ruslana wearing a chain mail shirt mingling with backup dancers in leather. This would have been a catchy song if not for the odd choreography. Last years winner came back to sing another typical pop ballad and then the voting closed.

Once again there was no mucking about and the results got underway almost immediately (presumably because we were dealing with the jury votes which are cast before the competition actually begins). Nothing special went on here, although one representative had a dog.

The televising results were revealed en masse, like last year, and it’s actually a pretty efficient system, even if Portugal didn’t know he had won when everyone else did. It’s hard for a reprisal of the winning song to sound better a second time around, but instead of just one man singing infant of a microphone, he invited his sister (who compose the song and sang it during the rehearsals because he couldn’t) to sing it with him. And you know what? As a duet, it sounded even better.

Final Thoughts - What To Expect Next Year (Assuming You Survived The Drinking Game)

Let’s get the obvious question out of the way first: will Australia be back next year? I don’t know. Keep in mind that our participation has only been due to the organisers inviting us to compete.Yes, our ninth place finish this year is still a good showing, but the novelty is starting to wear off. It’s getting a bit harder to enjoy the show when the focus is on our entry, and not on all the other weird and wonderful stuff.  

So, will Portugal invite us back? Should we complete? Again, I don’t know. It’s hard to say whether Portugal think we should be there. Oddly enough, the big-wigs of the contest and union do want us there, but they don’t really have a say in the organisation of the competition itself.

The simplistic nature of the winning song has also generated a bit of discussion about the competition and the music that it typically encompasses. Will we see and end to the acts clearly designed for mass appeal?

I think not. Those acts did damn well as well. Italy and Moldova finished behind Portugal, and they were both gimmicky and designed for mass appeal. Portugal’s win might mix things up a bit in the future, but it’s not going to drown out the craziness entirely. Every subsequent Eurovision competition held after being won by a “sensible” act has proven that.

And who knows? if all else fails, we might still have a whole slew of new culinary disasters to look forward to in the years to come. Bring it on, I say.