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riverdale-retread · 1 year ago

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Riverdale S7 E6 Peep Show.

The episode opens with Jughead in bed reading comic books with the editorial condemning those same comic books. This is the second or third time they’ve shown Jughead Jones in his tight-fitting long johns in bed, reading. Is this- is this supposed to be fanservice for the Jughead girlies? (Of which I admit I am one). But I mean, Is it? The only other character I can recall who was regularly shown in this sort of underwear is Goofy from Disney. This is an odd choice, because so much of this episode revolves around showing bodies and how best to showcase them in underwear.

Anyway, as Jughead reads a Pep Comic issue which seems to be titled “Things [of?] Darkness,” he is suddenly reminded of something written by his “favorite pulp writer of all time, Brad Rayberry.” He picks up a volume of November County and Other stories by the same author, looking very concerned.

Immediately, he runs over to the publishing house to yell at his publisher about being a plagiarist. Jughead always does this in every universe - oh I’m suddenly sad I won’t be able to say this anymore after this season! Sob! - when he has a suspicion: He goes straight to the suspected perpetrator of whatever the crime or misdeed is and confronts then forthwith, but without any sort of plan as to what he’ll do if they deny it, which they invariably do, or how he will cope with the consequences of launching such a frontal attack. Betty and Archie are physically reckless, but Jughead is existentially reckless.

His publisher says that plagiarism is a word they don’t use at the publishing house (which is such a great side step. Did Mr. Publisher have a former career as a lawyer?) Then he makes up a story about how he tried to reach out to the proper author but then conveniently presumed said author was dead based on the lack of response. Which doesn’t justify plagiarism but he seems to think it does.

We are with Archie as he, along with me, tries to endure the unwelcome imposition that Uncle Frank is in his house. I’ve always despised Uncle Frank, and honestly, them showing me that he would have been even worse in the 1950s does not make me hate any iteration of him less by one iota. Archie is trying to fix his car, but Frank says he is “concerned.” He lays out all of Archie’s flaws, which are that he is a middling student, lying, not pulling his weight around the house, and the “business with the Blossom girl.”

Sir? Sir! I object. The lying & business with the Blossom girl was the exact opposite of a concerning lie, is it not? It turns out both are still technically virgins, which is what you all probably care most about, and he did it to save her and he went along with you all trying to force him to get married at 17! Anyway, Frank is a right piece of shit, because he pokes at Archie’s grief with “How do you think your dad would feel?”

Well sir, Archie may not know this but since I watched all previous seasons of Riverdale with close attention several times over, I know exactly how Fred would feel, and he indeed would feel proud of Archie. That was kind of Fred’s problem - even when he was annoyed at Archie, he was never less than proud.

Apparently, Frank was present when Fred took his leave of Archie to go “off to war” because he knows what the instructions were - “Take care of Mom and be the man of the house.”

I would have been much happier if Frank had died in the Korean War, and I’m sure Archie agrees. I’m also pretty sure that Fred DID NOT MEAN to burden his actual child with this sort of thing. He was trying to give his child something else to focus on rather than worry daily about his father 8,000 miles away. Frank as far as I can tell has no family of his own, so again, this business of childless men lecturing about or at other people’s children? Bah humbug, honestly. Maybe this is my being raised intensely Catholic while female, but honestly, this type of man should simply never ever say anything at all about children, child bearing, reproduction and so on.

So Archie, looking like he has a gun pointed to the back of his head (which is Frank staring into it like a psycho) apologizes to his mother about not being a ‘better son.’ I’m also back to very much disliking Mary Andrews. She is a bad mom. Why would you farm out actually raising your kid to FRANK of all people? Ugh. WHAT KIND OF MOTHER HAVE YOU BEEN MARY ANDREWS? Have you thought about that?? She’s been weak as shit against people like the Blossoms, arbitrary & unpredictable in her rule enforcement and generally a shitty parent.

Next door, Betty is sadly getting ready for school. I want to look inside Betty’s closet this season. She alway has a perfectly color coordinated belt or scarf (sometimes the same color, sometimes a wonderful contrast color) to go with her outfit. She looks across the way and is completely verklempt at the view of Archie’s moist abs, fresh from the shower. The music can’t possibly be 1950s- there’s synths and stuff. The song says “I feel so…. GOOOD.’ I can’t relate, but her vision is so good that she is capable of focusing on his happy trail from a whole house away. If only we all looked as pretty as she does (I LOVE the Grace kelly type hairdo she has happening) while agog with lust.

At school, in the locker room, the girls are putting on their gym outfits. What sort of sports can you play in outfits like these, by the way? Stiff yellow button down shirts with puffy sleeves tucked into high waisted bermuda shorts that barely cover your butt cheeks? These shorts are even belted tight at the waist.

In the sweetest, most kittenish way possible, Betty asks Veronica, “What’s sex like?”

…. I mean. OK. Lemme breathe. Because that was so like, the perfect delivery for a very by-the-books porno, no? Gorgeous blonde horny girl goes “What’s sex like?” while leaning forward, blinking winsomely with huge eyes. And she’s not even aware of the effect she has. What is GOING ON.

So Veronica is understandably shocked (hc: turned on and not out to herself) (Why is TONI not picking up on these vibes to invite Veronica for a cuppa at the Dark Room already? Is this because they are both tops??) but only gently says that it’s a bit early in the morning for this sort of talk (“I’ve barely just had my morning java!”). What happens next is a huge part of why I adore Veronica Lodge above all girls but especially Betty (who, even if not this season, is for plot reasons not all that big on truth telling): She meets truth and candor with truth and candor. When Betty says she doesn’t know what sex is like and would like to hear, which is a pretty brave thing to ask someone, Veronica responds with the same attitude to confess that she herself is still a virgin. Betty has the absolute perfect come-back: I just assumed because you’re just so sexy! Betty really knows how to talk to a girl!

I suppose the idea is that the 1950s were a super repressed time in America (which I don’t think it actually was in actuality but OK) such that even the sensual Veronica Lodge is - gasp! - still a virgin but actually since this is reflective of my own high school experience I found it very comforting to have it represented on the screen. “You don’t have to have sex to be sexy,” is what Veronica says.

Betty would like advice on how to carry herself more like Veronica. Veronica suggests perfume and heels, then brings out the idea of sexy lingerie. “Soft fabric against my skin” is what she says as some horny trumpeteer goes “Wah wah Waaaaah” in the background. OK so I guess I’ve tried out the wrong kinds of lingerie because that shit was itchy as fuck. Veronica walks her fingers flirtatiously up Betty’s arm as she says, “Say, why don’t you give lingerie a twirl?” Betty looks very turned on, first just by the purring way Veronica is talking about being sexy, second about the idea of Veronica in lingerie that makes her already perfect body “look fantastic” and about doing something sexual with Veronica. I mean possibly also I guess she is excited about having a guide to learn about lingerie but that’s like below tertiary. Betty is going to go over to Veronica’s later to try on her used underwear (which I find a strange idea but ok).

At the student lounge, Cheryl approaches Toni to give her the lesbian pulp novel back. Cheryl insists on calling her “Antoinette.” I am insane for all these fabulous belts these girls are all wearing this season. I love the gloss on the red patent leather one that Cheryl is sporting. When asked what she thinks about the lesbian pulp classic (the real world version of which was one of the rare ones where neither woman died for being gay at the end), she responds to the cover art using very distant artsy language as in, Cheryl finds “two voluptuous, feminine forms in close proximity to each other” quite pleasant. Toni pulls out her go-to pick up line for Riverdale girls: She asks the girl to go to the Dark Room for a coffee. See, I knew Toni was trying to put the moves on Betty when she was consoling her after the dumping of Kevin!

Cheryl refuses - “Oh I couldn’t *possibly!” - and that’s because she’s too busy “relaunching the Vixens.” She needles Toni about finding cheerleading “far too square,” essentially daring her to try out for the squad.

The hostage situation with Archie and Uncle Fucking Frank continues, this time at the Principal’s office. Uncle Fucking Frank is still standing executioner distance behind Archie. Archie is trying to do everything with his face to signal that he is not ok, please help, while saying what his abductor wants him to say: “I wanna be at least a B student.” His principal is too dim to catch these hints, and anyway he’s probably turned on by the weird dominance thing that he’s witnessing right this minute. It turns out Uncle Fucking Frank is in cahoots with this asshole, the principal, enough to have private conversations with him!

At the tryouts for the cheerleading squad, Cheryl is holding court. Evelyn Evernever is there! She’s already a cheerleader. Welcome back Evelyn! I hope you’re unhinged and evil in this world too!

Toni bursts in like Aragorn, pushing the double doors wide open. The song playing in the soundtrack (probably in Cheryl’s head) states: It’s Too Darn Hot as Toni smugly makes her slo-mo entrance looking, actually, Too Darn Hot. Cheryl is so happy to see Toni, and is extra happy because she put on her blazing red lipstick just in case Toni showed up (she had more of a nude lip earlier in the day for their initial encounter). She’s also forbidden Evenlyn from wearing her reddish hair down, lol. Evelyn condescendingly tells Toni that she’s not “on the list” so she can’t try out, but Cheryl overrules her (because it’s never a cheerocracy!).

The two lesbians smile adoring at each other. Something about just breathing the air with Toni on her home ground (as a cheerleader) makes Cheryl glow like a Renaissance angel. Toni actually has a routine prepared, and we go to it. Cheryl watches all of Toni’s tryout routine in a totally horny haze, slowing it down in her mind as she almost drools. The song is also egging her on - something something “Refill the cup with my baby tonight” and “I’d like to sup with my baby tonight” etc which are all statements about cunnilingus. The room gets all dark for her. She doesn’t have the orgasm (of the mind) that she did the first time she watched Toni do a dance routine, but it’s close. Cheryl says this whole performance “razzed her berries.” This means looking at Toni made her nips tingle. Then she adds that “I haven’t seen pompom technique like that in years” which means she can tell Toni is (like all dykes) great with her hands.

Evelyn is making a very sour face behind her. Somehow Cheryl knows this, so she says since she “alone” speaks for the Vixens, she immediately offers Toni a spot on the team. Evelyn tries to make a case for procedural fairness only to get screamed at. The other girls all welcome Toni to the team.

At the dinner table, Uncle Fucking Frank makes a terrible announcement. “It looks like I’m going to be sticking around for a while.” Oh no. OH NO. Why? Because Principal Featherhead asked him “to be the basketball team’s head coach.” I’m horrified. Also Frank is short and stocky. I know zip about sports but isn’t basketball for tall lean people?

So Uncle Fucking Frank has no family - not even a lady - and no kids and he just moved into his brother’s widow’s house to bully his nephew, and because all this is not enough, he begged his way into getting a job at this nephew’s school. “Asked me” my ass What the fuck is his fixation on Archie?

Archie understandably says he doesn’t want to play basketball while Frank is gonna be coach. Not playing is not a way out of the Uncle Fucking Frank close contact - if Archie won’t play, then he can be waterboy. What is happening? I hate Mary so much. See, I knew, I KNEW that my being OK with Mary Andrews was not going to last. Why the fuck did she even have this child? Ugh.

At Veronica’s, Betty is feeling shy about showing how she looks in Veronica’s underwear, though she wasn’t shy about wearing Veronica’s underwear to begin with. Did they go shopping? Is this NEW underwear? Be that as it may, Veronica looks very eager on the bed, quaffing mimosas, and eating chocolates. When Betty finally emerges, Veronica’s eyes light up. “I knew it would look perfect on you!” The problem is, Betty feels embarrassed, which Veronica doesn’t understand. Looking like Bettie Page exactly, Veronica says, “Bettie Page herself would go ape for you.” Bettie Page’s personal orientation was not, uh, lesbian so that is a weird thing to say, Veronica. Just say you want to fuck Betty. Even though Betty looks close to tears, Veronica wants to keep looking at her, so makes her come in front of the mirror so she can keep looking at her under the guise of giving her some sort of sexual koan: “I am a gorgeous, powerful, sexy siren, at the height of my womanly powers.” I mean, this is very sweet, but I did have a flashback to Hannah Gadsby going - *I* am in my prime!! *I* am in my prime!! - meaning her 40-something self. The koan does work on Betty though, who is actually persuaded by the end.

Jughead has straight up gone to see the author Rayberry. He introduces himself as a writer at Pep Comics, then bluntly says “they’re ripping you off.” Rayberry wants to know why Jughead wants him to sue his own employer. Jughead is full on fangirling - “I think you’re the tops.” Even though Rayberry just wants to get rid of him, Jughead won’t take no for an answer, and even though the author looks slovenly while he keeps slamming the door in his face, he doesn’t give up.

Evelyn has given Cheryl a visit, to say that she is “uncomfortable” with Toni being on the squad not because she’s black (sure?) but because she’s “a lezzie.” I mean, it’s probably a bit of both right? Cheryl shuts down both objections - Riverdale has been fully integrated, and Toni Topaz is not… that, so Evelyn needs to “put an egg in your shoe and beat it.” That is the weirdest way to say that I’ve ever heard. I kinda like it. Cheryl wants to watch her show which is Oh Mija!

At the Dark Room, Toni is taunted for becoming a “paper shaker” by the Lezzie Lizzo, who is sporting a beret with a studded Serpents jacket. Lizzo mocks her for “still birddogging that redheaded closet case.” Toni tries to cover it up with some sort of sanctimonious bullshit - she is now the first ever black cheerleader at Riverdale. I’m with Lizzo - I don’t believe her one bit. “Oh so it’s *political* for you! [Much scoffing, then completely insincerely] Yeah I got it. That makes sense.” But Lizzo says she understands Toni Topaz for knuckling under the white patriarchy’s demeaning demands for women in the interests of getting access to Cheryl’s pussy. She says it nicer than me AND she acknowledges that Cheryl is very hot. “That’s one cherry lollipop I’d happily lick.”

I knew Lizzo was a good egg the first time I saw her. Why o why won’t Toni give her a chance? And what does Lizzo do all day? How old is she? Is she a high school drop out?? Can I have more Lizzo and much less Evelyn???

The next morning, Archie discovers that Uncle Fucking Frank has confiscated his car, to be returned to him when his “grades are where they should be.” This is because Uncle Fucking Frank is obsessed with Archie, leading to his wanting to spend every possible moment with him, including the ride to school.

Veronica is super excited to approach Betty the same morning to ask her exactly what kind of underwear she is wearing. This is extremely heterosexual behavior among women, right? Oh, and Veronica acknowledges that the ‘lingerie’ type underwear is neither silky nor comfortable (I mean granted, I haven’t ever tried the like, thousand-dollars a pop La Perla stuff so maybe those are??) - “How will ever get used to lace panties if you don’t wear them every day?” she chastises when it turns out Betty hasn’t put them on today for fear of being seen in them and being thought a “nymphomaniac.”

THIS FEAR IS SPECIFICALLY KEVIN FUCKING KELLER’S FAULT. I HATE YOU SO MUCH KEVIN.

Veronica thinks this whole “nympho” talk was invented by misogynist (gay) men to hurt women. I agree. She also diagnoses Betty with “needing a man.” Usually, this sort of comment is not true about the woman about whom it is said, but Betty actually does need a man. She is SO horny.

Betty tells Veronica that she has her eye on Archie. Veronica doesn’t like it, but she prioritizes Betty’s well being over her own, so rushes her to speak to Archie before Betty can “talk yourself out of it” by which Veronica means “myself.”

Archie is bent over a book in the student lounge. While Veronica listens from her hidden vantage point (with Betty’s awareness), Betty, her big bambi eyes brimming with adoration, asks Archie out on a movie date. Archie actually tells her the truth - he’d love to, but he can’t because of Uncle Fucking Frank. Veronica’s face falls when he says he’d love to, then brightens when he says he can’t. Betty doesn’t believe Archie though, at all. She thinks she’s being rejected.

She cries about it on Veronica’s shoulder, who continues to say the right and decent thing - that what Archie said might be the truth. Cheerful now that they have both been apparently rejected by Archie, Veronica suggests that they both find some airheads down at Stonewall Prep to play with. Betty cheerfully agrees to this plan.

At basketball practice, Julian is being a piece of shit to Archie who is trying to appease Uncle Frank because his mother is blind to the abuse he’s being subjected to. Why would you leave a child in the care of a childless middle aged uncle? Mary Andrews makes me so mad.

Evelyn Evernever, looking very ginchy in the ginchiest outfit (I love the 50s cheerleader uniform - cream sweater, navy skirt), breaks into Toni’s locker, immediately finding the lesbian book. She gets caught red-handed, but is brazen enough to try to confront Toni about her lesbianism. Cheryl denied it, she tells her. Toni threatens her with violence, then insists that Evelyn tell her exactly what Cheryl said.

At the comic publisher’s, Jughead is getting to see his name in print. He is so pleased - “It’s so boss, Boss!” - and being really adorable about it. (By the way, is this a throwback to the comics? Was Jughead in the comics just always off in his own world like this?). With perfect timing, Rayberry, all dressed up in his confrontation suit, bursts in, demanding to know who Fieldstone is. He launches into an angry speech about suing Pep Comics for plagiarism. Jughead jumps in to mediate, and this middle aged man and old man let him do this. The author and publisher shake hands on compensating Rayberry for the plagiarized stories. For his troubles, Jughead gets to have a dinner date with his favorite pulp writer at his favorite diner. Right off the bat, Rayberry even hints that he might ask for Jughead to be the one to adapt his stories going forward for the comics. Jughead just gushes to the man about how he loves his stories in “all the different pulp magazines” then proceeds to list all of them: Weird Tales, Startling Stories, Fantastic Adventures. He looks so happy - he can’t stop smiling. It’s so cute.

Then Rayberry asks whether his father approves of these literary aspirations. Across all universes, terrible Faifather FP is a fail, because the light immediately dims in Jughead’s face. Rayberry causally says his own father didn’t approve of his “literary aspirations” but Jughead simply doesn’t know. And in addition to inflicting me with Uncle Fucking Frank again, Riverdale fails me additionally but not killing off FP. Riverdale, girl, why? So even in this universe created by his angelic girlfriend, Jughead is abandoned by his father yet again. Rayberry tells him to write about his trauma from paternal abandonment. When Jughead asks if Rayberry would be willing to read his more literary attempt, Rayberry sighs and says “Oh, and we were having such a swell time.” Jughead fully looks like he is going to break apart into sad, salty-tear soaked little pieces at this apparent rejection until Rayberry says he was joking, that of course he’d be happy to read Jughead’s efforts, and they laugh about it.

OK so this is why Jughead is so disinterested in girls and Veronica and so on. He is in too much pain from his father. He is in desperate need of a father figure, but Fred Andrews who served that function in the other universe is gone (and possibly didn’t even meet Jughead in this world, since he never met Cheryl either), other male authority figures are all non-starters (Dupont hates him, the principal hates him, Sheriff Keller is a moron, Clifford Blossom is evil, Uncle Fucking Frank is himself), and his publisher/editor who served this role for him in the other universe acts just as exploitative towards Jughead as FP does so he’s no appropriate either. And Riverdale’s main narrative arc - the Jugular Vein, if you will - is that Jughead Jones Cannot Get What He Wants, so we should know by now that this business with Rayberry will never work out.

The song that plays in the transition to the next scene is “Lead Me Father.” This show and its song choices! We cut to Archie doing child labor for Uncle Fucking Frank in the gym. he takes a break to handle a basketball. I don’t know this song, but it says things like “Pick Me Up When I Stumble, So the World Won’t Know.” I guess basketball is tied to his father’s death for Archie somehow, which is why he doesn’t want to play it anymore, especially not with Uncle Fucking Frank as the goddamn coach. Also I don’t know whose daddy is like this but if your daddy is like this, let me just say, Wow you are lucky.

This is intercut with Jughead trying to write about his father, as the lyrics gravely intone about “Give me the strength for a song.” He picks up a photo of a man who is not the FP we know, sitting scowling on a bike. The singer croons that he wants to help some “poor troubled weary worker along.” Jughead’s face goes through complicated set of emotions - he misses his dad, he’s bitter about his abandonment, and above all, he’s very very sad. Jughead Jones’s tears of heartbreak are always just under the surface, which is why he keeps not wanting to be here in his reality and (doubling down on my thesis) he resents it when people are emotionally secure enough to try to take a risk to make their lives even better (like, you know, get laid with a sexy person to share a good time).

The next morning, Uncle Fucking Frank unilaterally tells Archie that he now has a job at the Diner, pumping gas. This seems like a really specifically american thing, to overload one’s kids - Archie, who is not bright and also not that interested in school and not given very good brains by his very stupid mother, is supposed to get his grades up but also perform slave labor for the basketball team and further perform child labor at the gas pump all at the same time. This is not how that works. (Listen to your bespectacled East Asian -I know what I”m talking about.)

Meanwhile, Jughead is showing off his Homeroom of Horrors Pep Comics issue, written by JUGHEAD JUGULAR JONES. His friends want to celebrate with burgers. Jughead tells them he has a meeting with Rayberry at his house. He’s so happy.

Toni confronts Cheryl about telling Evelyn that Toni isn’t gay. She completely glosses over Cheryl saying they have a “big problem” about MIDGE. Toni says she’s not ashamed of who she is or who she likes and should not be considered someone to be rescued. Cheryl backs down immediately, answering in a soft voice that she doesn’t know what Toni wants Cheryl to say. Cheryl apologizes, so Toni says that she’s had enough of pursuing Cheryl. And that turns out to be the key thing, because the prospect of losing Toni’s attention altogether is what makes Cheryl gin up the courage to say, out loud, using her voice, to another person that she is attracted to girls.

Atta girl Cheryl!

“And I think maybe I’m attracted to you!” Cheryl says, starting to cry. Toni is merciless, and wants her to actually confess - that Cheryl KNOWS she is attracted to Toni.

Jughead is at the Rayberry apartment, which looks really familiar to me. Is it the Toni/Fangs Throuple Cursed Apartment with Fucking Kevin?? Or is it Jughead and Tabitha’s apartment?? (The windows are too different.) Rayberry says he’s willing to read Jughead’s writing, then offers him tea, which Jughead accepts. Jughead is a bad guest because opens a closed box and steals a manuscript with a working title that I don’t catch the reference to because I never do. Jughead straight up steals the manuscript. Plagiarism and manuscript theft are apparently big themes for Jughead (sometimes the manuscript is a computer file), but I am not clear on what the theme is supposed to say, yet... this was very ill judged of him.

Meanwhile, Cheryl and Toni are on their first date, kind of, during which Toni takes it upon herself to out both Kevin and Clay, even though she says Cheryl isn’t supposed to talk about it with other people. This does not seem like a very good beginning. Cheryl in this universe has an aunt Carol, who moved to Greenwich Village to be a lesbian and a writer. “A sapphic sexual deviant” according to Penelope. Carol apparently gets to live loving women. Toni is bisexual in this world too, but it was only a problem when she made out with girls. Her grandmother is for some reason absolutely accepting of Toni being queer. Cheryl says that her family will only accept her if she plays her role correctly. She’s now ready for something else, so Toni holds her hand.

Archie is working at night, and of course Julian oozes up to get his tank filled. Inside the Diner, Bee and Vee are on a date with one dark haired and one light haired WASP boy each from the private school. Betty is bored as fuck by her date. Pop brings a thermos of coffee to Archie. Archie says that Fred used to play basketball with him all the time, when Pops says Fred was a legendary basketball player. Pops says Fred was a true American hero. Archie agrees, looking genuinely happy for the first time

Jughead has stayed up all night reading Rayberry’s “Jupiter Journals” manuscript that he stole when he was personally invited to that man's house AND imposed on him to read his vomit draft. Jughead! Why are you like this! For some reason, he is not in his skin tight Goofy long-johns. Instead he is in the patented slutty Jughead Jones tank top over striped pajamas. Does this mean something? Or is this the underwear and loungewear that Veronica got for him when she redid his traincar? Jughead says the book is “like Flash Gordon if Fitzgerald had written it.” I have no idea what Flash Gordon is. Jughead in his inappropriate way, because he is so love-starved, immediately decides to confront Rayberry about shoving his light under a bushel or something, not cognizant of the fact that having stolen the manuscript is going to have bad consequences.

At school, Veronica wants to know what happened with the preppy that walked Betty home, which was a big nothing. There was no spark because Betty wants to sleep with Archie and nobody else. She says this means she’s doomed since he turned her down flat. Veronica says Romeo & Juliet had “logistical problems but they figured it out.”

And for the first time in seven years, at the THIRD Romeo & Juliet mention (Jughead calling Betty Juliet, Toni calling Fangs and Midge Romeo & Juliet and now Veronica) someone finally says the correct thing: “Veronica, they both DIED.”

Bless Veronica though because she knows something about Romeo & Juliet, so she retorts: “Not until Act 5 and only after they lost their cherries.”

Is this foreshadowing? Is this how this sojourn to 1955 is going to end??

Veronica has an idea. She says that Barchie should have long meaningful late night conversations to get close to Archie.

She also uses the word “gatekeeping.” Earlier on she used the term “gaslighting” about the purpose of the word “nymphomaniac.” Is the slow breaking down of the world of 1955 as created by Tabitha Tate? Why is Veronica using 2020s lingo like this in her 50s universe?

Betty said she’d love to, but she knows Archie doesn’t have a phone in his room. Veronica is so smart - she immediately gets to the heart of the matter. “You can look into ARchie’s bedroom window through yours?” she asks. She wants to know immediately if Betty has seen Archie [dot dot dot] and I’m choosing to understand this as “naked” to which Betty says, sounding very much like she really needs a vibrator, “Yes. Many, MANY times!” Veronica wants in on the peep show.

Inside the school, Julian Blossom is really asking for it, calling Archie a grease monkey to complain about the car service, then calls him waterboy and to get him to fetch a soda. Julian then takes the name of God, I mean Fred, in vain, saying he’s going to obliterate Fred’s record since Archie’s not going to be the one. Archie pushes him, Julian pushes back, then Archie punches him right in the face.

What was the casting requirement for Julian Blossom? Have a punchable face? Because he’s now been socked in the face by no less than Ethel, then Jughead, and now Archie.

It is Archie’s explosion into violence that makes Mary spring into action. I don’t have kids but this is bad parenting, right? Like, she’s doing all the things wrong. Mary only reacts meaningfully when Archie is violent, like today. She finally womans up enough to tell Uncle Fucking Frank to back off, declares that since she is Archie’s mother, she will take the lead on this issue.

While that’s going on, violence of a different, distinctly more feminine character is happening among the cheerleaders. Cheryl has assigned being the flyer to Toni, which Evelyn very much resents because that was her role. Cheryl comes very close to saying this is a Cheerocracy but what she actually says is that if Evelyn doesn’t like it she can quit immediately. Evelyn looks at the others for support, but none is to be had. OK so we know from the earlier seasons what Evelyn is like, and she is shown to be openly homophobic here, but also given that Kevin got to do all that HE did and still got called BRAVE by Betty as sweet music played over the horrible scene, I think Evelyn deserved better. So Evelyn capitulates as Toni smirks at Cheryl approvingly.

Finally, finally, Mary is asking Archie what is going on. She wants to know if Archie is avoiding basketball because of Frank. Archie says it’s not because of Frank, it’s because of Fred’s absence. There is an anvil in his heart whenever he plays basketball because he misses his father. He’s also afraid of not being as good as Fred. Mary says a truthful thing -that Fred would be proud of Archie. She’s also going to make Frank ease up on him. We’ll see about that.

Jughead has gone charging ahead to go to Rayberry, to tell him outright that he stole a manuscript from him and then read it. Jughead thinks that his telling an already published and well known author that he has “got to get [something] published” is somehow going to get him forgiveness for the breach of trust. When Rayberry tries to get his bearings, Jughead smiles as he says that it was “only for a night.” Rayberry gets angry, and kicks Jughead out. Jughead's heart breaks right there, but he did it to himself. He wanted to speed run to intimacy with this potential father figure (who also confessed to having a difficult relationship with his own parent) but made a colossal mistake by being too hungry & desperate. Rayberry also breaks his own coffee cup by throwing it, which makes Jughead go running, which probably means he grew up in a violent home.

In the girls’ locker room, Choni get their first kiss. Toni was turned on by Cheryl’s show of dominance, even though Cheryl is apparently sexually a total bottom.

And finally, Veronica and Betty are blatantly peeping at Archie undressing. Veronica starts narrating in the most cheesy way: “Stand back Ringling Brothers because THIS is the greatest show on earth!”

OK so I agree that Archie’s abs are pretty fantastic but why does this keep happening to him? In place of Kevin now here’s Veronica egging Betty on to do this voyeurism. Veronica even wants binoculars. Archie sees them though before Veronica can get a gander at his junk. Both girls collapse to the floor. Veronica finds the whole situation pretty funny, but Betty is so embarrassed, saying the two of them are being Peeping Patties. Also? Betty understands a lot of Veronica’s film references, though I suppose Rear Window is very much a mainstream blockbuster.

The next morning, Betty tells Veronica she couldn’t sleep a wink. Veronica was also embarrassed but like many perpetrators of sexual wrong acts she has come around to thinking that Archie was asking for it with his strutting while having abs. She also hopes Archie will be too embarrassed to confront them.

She is utterly wrong about this, because Archie has come directly to them. He doesn’t seem mad however. Archie wants to talk to ONLY Betty. Veronica makes like a MILF, tells Archie to “keep up the good work” before walking away. Archie says he saw B and V peeping on him. Betty does here what Betty always does and she lies, until Archie assures her that he isn’t mad, and actually wants to do a mutual peep show.

This next part is very very cute though. The lust makes the two of them completely braindead so they assure each other that they will both be in their own bedrooms at midnight (so they can do this mutual peep show). Archie is so really, truly, very excited, and Betty is BEYOND excited.

Suddenly, Archie wants to play basketball. Apparently 50s Jughead is not wrong about this part - Archie is entirely fueled by sex. Because he has sex related prospects tonight, suddenly he is “here to play.” He also stands up to Frank, telling him how irrelevant he is -”I’m not doing this for you.” Frank seems to think that his ‘tough love’ worked. I wish I could punch him in the nuts.

A teacher has ratted out Jughead’s author status to Werther (Dupont!). Why are these people at work so very, very late??

Betty and Archie are so ready to do their long distance strip tease/ peep show. Belts, then shirts (and Betty has on the sexy lingerie underneath!), then come Archie’s abs! Betty starts to remove her skirt (though with her unbuttoned blouse still on. And now they are down to just their underwear!

OH NO. RECORD SCRATCH.

I am cockblocked by BOTH Uncle Fucking Frank AND Hal Cooper! Oh Riverdale, that was really cruel. “What in the hell is going on here??” indeed! You title the episode Peep Show and then do THIS?

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