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wirewitchviolet · 2 years ago

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The Entire Plot of Final Fantasy 14, with all the expansions, and some serious analysis of how good it actually is. (Part 8 - Post-Shadowbringers)

Last time, we covered Shadowbringers, the more or less universally agreed upon best expansion. Nicely self-contained, well-structured, focused, and not bogged down with any poorly done morally grey stuff. Bad news is, this interlude before the next expansion has a lot of stuff that’s bad and dumb and ill-fitting to the established setting, but at least there’s not a lot of it, and the exceptions are pretty great stuff.

First thing’s first, since everything is all perfect and settled here in the First, and you’re actually able to do so, unlike everyone else, everyone suggests you maybe slip back home to check on how things are going with the whole final war against the empire and all that. Estinein really stepped up to the plate as stupidly powerful protagonist putting out fires everywhere and popping back to talk with Tataru and Krile. He really recovered nicely from his whole previous life-quest wrapping up weird and being possessed and covers stuff pretty well. He has been hanging out with freaking redemption-arc-Gaius though, and he has good news and bad news about what’s up with the empire. The good news is, the whole plan to avert the everyone-gets-killed-by-biological-weapons future by taking pressure off the empire seems to have worked out. The bad news is they’re getting back into the weird giant robot approach. One of these is just a rebuilt Ultima Weapon that Estinein gets to deal with in a bit where you play as him in full ridiculous-dragon-powers mode, the rest of this you have to deal with in Werlyt, one of those new break-aways from the empire that isn’t important enough to bother putting on the map somewhere that isn’t covered in clouds. Cid’s there though, and wow has he been busy. Also it struck me earlier that the one and only time he got a new outfit back in Heavensward it came out really like, 1970s, heading to the disco?

Like remember Bones’ look from the first Star Trek movie?

We start out with the first new model, Ruby Weapon, and yeah, we’ve got a whole set of gemstones here. It looks pretty Evangelion. And then partway through the fight it gets... decidedly more Evangelion when in defeat the “oversoul” system in it activates and... it’s probably better to show than tell here. Skip to about 5:40 for the important bit.

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But I guess I also have to explain what is hands down just the stupidest, most badly written sidequest chain in FF14. So... Gaius. The “creeping mendacity” guy. Big ol’ nazi, hates all us primitive savages, strong should rule the weak, main villain of the base game? We’re retconning that he has like 7 or so beloved au ra orphan children he raised to keep them safe from all the evils of growing up in the empire, and already that’s just a hard no from me. That absolutely goes completely against everything about his established character. But we’re running with that retcon. We’re also, for some reason, retconning that the one female general under him in the base game, who incidentally had this whole speech before you fight her about how obsessively in love with him she is, was one of these children. I have no idea WHY we’re retconning that, beyond this all being just the worst, it adds nothing to this dumb thing except one of these other kids is jealous or whatever.

Anyway because they all love their dad so very much, after he uh... defected from the empire to start killing Ascians as a whole thing, they all decided to follow in his footsteps with this whole Weapon project, making a whole bunch of giant robots, that they all pilot, and which have this whole “oversoul” thing built in which... A- completely overwrites the pilots mind with that of some bigshot imperial general or other (in this first case, Nael, the big bad of 1.0 who does not appear in the game as it stands AT ALL besides here, kind of, and in the Bahamut raid 98% of players just completely skip, followed by in no particular order Gaius himself, Zenos, and uh... ones that don’t really come up). Not satisfied with killing the pilot by completely overtaking their mind like that, it also kinda melts their body into goo to power it up. With Ruby this doesn’t quite work right and you get this cool back-splits-open-goo-girl thing but that’s a defect the rest just get a boring second phase. And their big plan is to use these suicide-robots that destroy their minds to take down the empire that has oppressed them for their whole lives and honor the new path their dad is on, after first proving their combat readiness by... trying to kill their dead, and also the resistance to the empire, but, mostly you. It’s kinda just the absolute worst plan ever?

Meanwhile Cid just got super bored having to sit things out for a whole expansion and decided to kill time by... also building a giant robot. Something something found it in some Allagan ruins, made some modifications. In particular it originally came with big rending claws and he modified it to hold a lightsaber because he’s just a big ol’ nerd like that. I want to state for the record that this is still completely stupid and we really probably shouldn’t have two giant robots swinging lightsabers at each other and activating forcefields while fighting over the ocean that were both built by random nerds in a world where people still use maps that are half covered in clouds and we had a whole big thing about impoverished rice farmers trying to scrape up enough resources to like, charge at some people with spears, but... you can go to the hanger Cid keeps it in and pose on its shoulder and my heart is not made of stone.

Sadly you only get to use this thing for literally one fight. It’s surprisingly hard too, you have this whole mode-shifting system where you can toggle a damage boost and a shield on and off that need careful managing and a big laser cannon that needs to be precisely aimed. After that it “took too much damage and needs repairs” although it is reconfigured later to fly around and provide a big platform to stand on while fighting another weapon.

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Another baffling layer to all of this is the commander officially heading up the suicide robot division. He’s introduced in this cutscene where he’s just shot from the neck down getting all sweaty from doing pushups and gulping down a big glass of milk, and like... I can’t see any sort of world in which you introduce a character in this way if you aren’t trying to bait people into getting all horny for the sexy new villain, but every other time you see him he’s just... literally the Sewer King from that one episode of Batman? With the orphans?

I swear it’s an intentional reference. Right down to him also having a giant pile of orphans (on top of Gaius’ kids) he makes poke each other with hot brands when they misbehave. All he needs are the glasses. I feel like the sexy scene had to have been a tease at the end of one patch and then they radically shifted direction or something. So anyway all of these idiot children take turns getting in big robots and exploding themselves and you punch the robots, while this too cartoonish to be intimidatng jerk keeps whipping them and sacrificing random people to test more of this oversoul stuff. Eventually we’re down to just two kids left alive, and one of them has enough sense to sneak off and tell you she realizes that this really is just the stupidest plan anyone has ever had and wants you to intervene, but her brother’s already been dragged off to be turned into the core/brain of Diamond Weapon, which rather than having the combat data or whatever from some old general just has an idiot uh... mashed into goo with his brain preserved permanently stuck in the robot. Which is already what they were doing with all their pilots, and he doesn’t really have any particular combat expertise so, this is dumb.

Girl with a smidgen of sense has to get in the actual pilot seat though... and she does have the sense to remember that the whole point of this in theory was to get the best possible giant robot and start attacking the empire, so she tries to just gun down everyone in the lab, but they just cut the power while she’s charging her laser. Then they’re about to kill her but the Overmind, as opposed to oversoul system kicks in and Big Brother restarts the whole thing and gets her to safety. And then... still doesn’t attack the empire, despite this clearly being the last chance to do so. Instead we go right ahead with the standard boss fight. You win, Sewer King shows up to taunt you, Big Brother vaporizes him, and then, the path finally cleared to take his new death robot body and start smashing up the empire, the dream he and basically his whole family literally sacrificed their lives for, exactly according to the plan he personally came up with... does the whole “I can’t live like this, as a cool robot, please put me out of my misery.” So Gaius does, and then we just kinda... pretend this whole sidequest chain never happened and never bring it up again. Not even Cid’s giant robot which would really trivialize a lot of problems and is in full working order with cool upgrades at the end of this. You can go visit it in the hangar all you want, but, that’s it. Oh and your only reward for any of this is some guy makes a gunpla of every robot and you can decorate your house with them if you have one.

Once you’ve finished or completely ignored the stupidest sidequest chain ever, the biggest news from back home is that being in a coma for some unspecifed amount of time is kind of bad for you, and it might be worth maybe considering putting everyone’s souls back where they belong before their bodies die. As is everyone’s kinda just staying alive because Krile has given up sleep to spam heals. Having some actual time pressure, everyone does some brainstorming and realizes that hey, you can go back and forth all you want, and you drag your whole inventory along with you. Why not just like shove everyone’s soul into a magic crystal of some sort and keep them in your pocket? Ultimately this works, but there’s a few complications involved since everyone’s souls have been manifested as physical bodies for a few years eating snacks and such so they’re kind of heavy and none of you really knowing how to do any of this, but G’raha has an in with the local equivalent of Matoya, a nu mou named Beq Lugg (no offense to “Master Matoya” Y’shtola). There’s a whole lot of technobabble about needing to keep memories along with souls and special crystal vessels G’raha needs to infuse with his blood... and the slight hiccup that he kinda doesn’t have blood anymore being all crystalized but he makes due, and I don’t want to get into most of it, except it involves porxies.

I didn’t really have time to get into this, but on top of all the other flavors of fairy, there’s these things called porxies which are basically piglets with dumbo ears. There’s a random bit of background NPC frollicking where a pixie turns another pixie into one for fun, but mostly they’re familiars made by no mou out of clay. One does the whole nightmare eating tapir thing as part of the pixie tribe quests too. In this case though, the idea is to make a specialized one to suck out elemental imbalances from people, which will be of some use in getting everyone turned into a crystalized soul you will presumably take back home and... cram into the mouths of their unconscious bodies or something. This still takes most of this interlude to finish setting up though. The important point for now is that Beq Lugg mentors Alisaie in how to make her own specialized soul-cleansing porxie she names Angelo. And she’s a terrible sculptor.

As an added bonus, to test this, they try sucking some of the light taint out of some of the people in the slowly-dying-of-turning-into-a-monster-angel hospice, and specifically pull the emotionless kid who wandered out into the desert from that one cut scene I linked last time back from the brink enough to talk and mourn people some. Hey, Alisaie’s arc and a really horrific death scene get a nice payoff!

The next bit of major unfinished business before clearing out is dealing with Eulmore, because you kinda killed the guy who was in charge, and was personally providing food for everybody, and was keeping everyone in a magically induced chill malaise. They decided to make Chai-Nuzz, the middle-aged cat boy who hired Alphinaud to paint his surprisingly nice wife and then also oversaw the construction of the mountain sized golem that’s still quite visible anywhere nearby clutching that still-hovering mountain, and yeah, that seems like nice qualifications, but then he vanished. Turns out it’s not responsibility jitters though so much as knowing he’s not really qualified and looking for an advisor who is. He finds a former bureaucrat, who does the whole test of character thing, and you end up teaching him how to ambush a berserk talos or three so they can be disabled, repaired, and put to work as farming equipment. While you’re in the area you also dip back to the bottom of the ocean which kinda still has that big magic air bubble that’s still messing with the nice fish people, and help them out a bit with the problems that lead to, like their queen being ready to lay a huge clutch of eggs and having problems from not being submerged. Did you know what a birthing rope was? Because you bring her one.

The other thing going on in the vicinity of Eulmore is a couple of the local dwarves playing around with explosives and blowing a hole into Nier: Automata. This is the setup for our big party raid, and I have very mixed feelings. It’s a decidedly less elegant handling of a crossover than “would you like to help me research my new play, Final Fantasy Tactics?” in that we literally just have this whole absolutely huge crashed space station with like transforming fighter jets and city sized industrial robots from a decidedly more high tech game right on the other side of these silly dwarven mines. Plus we’re in a dimension that only exists because one god punched another really hard and that theoretically should only effect your home planet.

On the other hand, while it fits in really awkwardly for FF14, so far as I can tell this is weirdly well integrated into the canon of the Nier games? I still need to play the whole series, but I’ve picked up a bit from osmosis. The most interesting thing here is that while the actual major characters from Nier Automata are here, the first character we introduce is 2P. The palette inverted version of protagonist 2B who only exists because 2B was a crossover character in SoulCalibur 6 and the decided to get cute with the player 2 variation. And now we’re taking that sorta joke fighting game cameo-born character and actually fleshing her out a bit in this crossover with an MMO. I can’t really speak much on the plot past that because it’s really tied in with the source-game’s plot and I lack familiarity. Things do go pretty bad for this pair of dwarves making the discovery of these high tech android ruins though. There’s an air strike on their village that leaves it in ruins for the duration of all this, and personally end up dead and/or replaced by android duplicates and/or stuck in another dimension. Once you’ve wrapped the whole thing up though there’s this oddly drawn out prologue where you have this real-world weekly task of walking back through one of the now enemy-free dungeons seeking out items of interest for the dwarves to study as they rebuild, and get messages from one of the missing pair. After a month or two of these there’s a proper epilogue where the two lost dwarves find eachother and head off to... somewhere for a happy ending. It’s all a bit odd.

And of course mechanically it’s full of the sort of full-on bullet hell mechanics the Nier games are known for and an otherwise very noticeable difficulty spike from how these things tend to go, because the director of those games had a say in it. Also you get a replica of 2B’s outfit for your trouble and a good number of people are delighted that the leg piece is a thong that noticeably gives your character a bigger butt. That’s a thing.

Speaking of raids, the real big piece of unfinished business before you all really focus on going home is that Ryne has been feeling particularly ambitious and dragging her dad Thancred and what I’m still pretty sure is his dad’s on the downlow love interest I’m wary to commit to a pronoun for Urianger along to search the world spanning desert beyond the wall of life-destruction in this very Star Wars Landspeeder sort of vehicle, trying to find some sort of way to maybe fix most of the world being lifeless white sand, and they found... a thing, which they decide to call Eden.

It’s kinda like... half-spaceship, half- two semi-abstract angelic women fused together, and between the nerds you have looking into it, the general speculation is that way back a century or so ago when Ardbert and friends kinda defeated evil a little too hard, the big fancy final boss defeat light show with too much light element gave rise to this thing, which promptly started sucking all aether out of the planet, which just kinda glassed the place for the most part and caused all life to die with a few exceptions that became the first sin eaters. It’s mostly inert, besides the boss fight waiting when you step inside... which I probably shouldn’t downplay so much because I mean it gets one of these attacks.

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But you smack that inner core down and then you have access to a nice little ship control room, and the surreal realization that nobody’s all that shocked because really between some of the stuff in Imperial bases, Ayz Lla, and Omega’s whole deal, this is far from the first time you’ve seen this sort of setup. Anyway Ryne figures since she has the whole Oracle of Light thing going from kinda absorbing the weird Minfilia/avatar of Hydaelyn deal she was possessed by for a good chunk of her life, she should be able to just kinda take control of the whole thing and maybe get it to spit all that aether back out. Once you get it airborne though you have this confusing fight where this goth disaster with the sort of extreme platform heels I’ve only seen in fetishy specialty stores shows up carried by a sin eater and starts casting spells on a weird time delay. She’s unconscious after, and when she wakes up she’s kind of a rude jerk but more important has really severe memory issues, and wants to just kinda hang out while you check this out because she doesn’t know why she’s there either.

She’s not super clear on her name either but the voice in her head that tells her to do things calls her Gaia. She slowly warms up over the course of things as troubled goth weirdos with mysterious pasts tend to do in this game, but mostly you’re still focused on getting all that aether out of the big weird pinata. In a moment that really suggests your character just should not be left without supervision from people more responsible than Thancred and Urianger, you come to the conclusion that the most efficient way to get crystalized aether properly dispersed back out into the world is for someone to summon a god and for you to kill it. Kinda seems like a terrible idea to introduce that concept into a world that doesn’t have it, but you’re good at killing them and Ryne’s got plot armor against the whole Tempering thing that leaves you mind controlled thanks to her whole deal, so you pick a god for each element, do your best to describe them to her, she summons them, you kill’em, and sure enough, a bit of the matching element spills back into the local environment each time.

The details of all the gods come out a bit wrong thanks to the telephone game, which is what justifies these as a new set of boss fights. Leviathan has two heads. Titan’s kind of a robot. You don’t really have a dark god on file so you go with the Cloud of Darkness who’s decidedly less green and more full-bodied. After the first couple you start getting real needlessly reckless about it. Ifrit and Garuda you summon at the same time because hey those were total speed bump fights, right? And of course when you’re describing Shiva Ryne gets all excited about the tragic romance angle and Ysayle doing the personal possession thing instead of a standard summon. So despite everything going fine she insists on doing it that way and gets way too into character and ends up with this mini-Hraesvelgr all entwined around her and freezes you so Gaia has to step up and smack her with a giant hammer to knock her out of it. Otherwise things go pretty well, but I really have to wonder how it is you describe Ramuh as this pretty human looking guy with a big beard or confusing lightning orb collection mechanics (all of these give you a dialog choice between describing their appearance and getting all 4th wall breaky about the fight mechanics) and then Ryne goes and summons this.

That’s not even close Ryne. That’s way too neat of a beard, and for the rest of this you seem to have just been thinking about that poster on the Avatar’s wall in the intro to Ultima 6. Teenagers and their horny furry-adjecent phases, I swear.

Absolutely terrible segue, but speaking of Ryne being horny, her and Gaia absolutely 100% start dating during all of this. It really kinda sneaks up on you because FF14 is terribly addicted to doing a plausible deniability will-they-or-won’t-they/is this just a one-sided crush thing every single time they go there, with the exception of one minor side quest in this expansion where you help some woman work out how to propose to her girlfriend, but they go all in here. They’re going on little coffee dates and Ryne makes a necklace out of a leftover magic ice crystal after the Shiva bit for Gaia to wear and stuff. It’s pretty darn cute and wholesome.

Obviously this is setting up a big tragic turn where the voice in Gaia’s head actually belongs to Eden, which is also actually an Ascian, kind of. See the last boss Aldbert and friends fought was this pair of Ascians who did the whole Dragon Ball/Steven Universe fusion deal, which I may have mentioned a couple others doing in Azys Lla or I might not have bothered because everything involving Ascians not called Emet-Selch is incredibly boring and forgetable. He killed’em too hard with some sort of light-overload thing. One of them died in the pretty standard way everyone does where you go to the great aether flow/lightstream for a bit then get reincarnated as some person, but the fused bodies of both of them turned into this weird Eden thing and the other’s soul has just been stuck in it all lonely and hopelessly romantic and looking for the other’s reincarnated self. This isn’t a longwinded way of saying “so turns out Gaia’s an Ascian” because like, technically the way this works is that literally everyone everywhere is and that’s not a big deal, the losers who suck just never died and have been around forever, and this one’s obsessed with Ryne’s new girlfriend.

So the final dungeon capping all this off is her getting absorbed in by her jerk past-life ex who’s systematically destroying all her memories of cute dates with Ryne kinda like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and you have to charge in there mounting a defense against big shimmery memories of like going to this one place with good coffee and chocolate chip cookies and defending it from memory trashing monsters, and her forgetting everything and then it coming back to her while she’s pondering why she has such a dorky necklace and Ryne’s screaming from across a void at her. It is absolute peak power-of-love-and-friendship JRPG BS and I am totally here for it. And then of course if the whole thing wasn’t already super gay we make it really overt by just having this little paradisical private grotto with a giant rainbow crystal in it at the end.

I am as usual skipping around a bit. There’s a mandatory break in the Eden stuff until just before the next expansion properly starts, so Thancred and Urianger are no longer around to see all the drama at the end, but I legitimately keep having to remind myself that anything else even happens in this interlude. Hildy and friends don’t actually show up despite the clear setup for it, as Covid lead to a bit of cut content. The only other things we really have to deal with are a dungeon that doesn’t really bother having a proper setup, wherein you go investigate something in the basement of the Crystal Tower and it turns out there’s a little mini version of Alexander down there, with Cid’s personal branding stamped all over it, followed by a recording of Biggs from the averted dark future talking about building it from what they learned studying the original in the hopes of avoiding this stuff. I don’t think we really needed an explanation for how G’raha went back in time along with going to another dimension, but it was bothering Emet-Selch since it’s not something Allagans ever worked out, so, quick closure on that. Also the music is very good and there’s some running gag about people dancing to it.

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So that’s pretty fun. And yeah. That’s it. That’s the whole free patch interlude. Everyone goes off and says their goodbyes to all the people they’ve been hanging out with for the past several years and you wrangle them up to go home. Oh wait, right, right. There’s some dumb Ascian garbage first. And like, extra dumb at that.

So as part of your “let’s leave this place as nice as we can tour” you give a big public speech to set the record straight that Ardbert and friends were not in fact just a bunch of huge jerks who set off the apocalypse, but were good proper adventurers helping people and clearing their map of sidequests and all that, and everyone should stop using “warrior of light” to invoke like the worst possible person. And then Ardbert himself stands up out of the crowd to talk about how great you are too, and everyone cheers, and then you get a bit worried because wait, no, only you ever get to see him, and also you like permanently absorbed his soul into yours to cure the whole turning into a final boss disease thing. Having dealt with this before, everyone concludes that this is yet another instance of some Ascian jerk digging up someone’s corpse to run around in. Specifically Elidibus since he’s the only one who isn’t dead and got kicked out of running around in Zenos’ corpse.

He’s got this whole thing where like I get it, but it’s dumb, and it doesn’t actually go anywhere. Running with the assumption that you are in fact still the same protagonist from 1.0 who had a vision of this, or at least that you watched the original opening cutscene where it happens, you saw a big fire-y apocalyptic meteor shower, which triggered some sort of like ancient soul memory of one of those happening when the Ascians had their apocalypse that made them summon Zodiark way back when, and that in turn ignited your whole psychic Echo powers, and those let you pick up on Hydaelyn saying that whole “Hear, feel, think” thing from the start of the game, which according to this jerk she just kinda has running as a constant public broadcast to anyone who can pick it up, and they all get psychic visions and run around being level 1 adventurers from there on.

And he proves it by just running all around the First putting on illusiory meteor storm shows and giving huge swaths of the population the same call to adventure. Partially to taunt you about not really being all that special, and partially to get the ball rolling on that whole light overflow for the whole world deal. That part of it never really goes anywhere though. There’s also this thing about him having personally been the one to originally summon Zodiark all Shiva-style serving as his heart and it not making sense that he gets to be running around if so which... is a weird thing to even bring up when it just gets kinda lazily hand-waved away in the end. There’s also a bit with “lesser Ascians” who know the new body trick and on the team but are really kinda just otherwise normal human mooks are showing up everywhere that also goes nowhere.

Like I said, this patch wave suffered from some serious cut content thanks to Covid so they might have been planning more with this and never paid it off. As is, it’s just propaganda with this guy siccing would-be hero types on you and summoning some in from other dimensions and such. It would potentially be neat if the “in this world the forces of light are bad so you have to play villain” thing were a theme Shadowbringers actually committed to in a real way, as is it’s just kinda dumb and pointless. Like everything with Ascians. It does however cap off with my favorite sort of dungeon, where you have to just kinda book it with the help of some weird magic shortcuts through every overworld map to get from Eulmore to the Crystarium to hole up, and while you’re running and getting attacked from all angles, like literally every single friend you’ve made over the course of the expansion shows up to fend off big waves of mooks so you don’t lose your momentum. There was one of these setting up Shadowbringers too, and there’s ANOTHER at the end of this patch set, but like, keep’em coming. I love these.

Then you fight what’shisface and he takes on the form of “the original Warrior of light” which is like, the depiction of the collective main character from FF1 as per Dissidia’s interpretation. And like the rest of this total BS because in the process of this whole plot arc you basically work out that the Ascians had this whole fancy council called the Convocation of 14 (which has nothing to do with the 14 pieces the world was broken into or with the 12 gods plus the two Ascian gods, it’s just a number we keep using because it’s FF14), and basically the only member of it who didn’t suck was strongly implied to have been you, pre-shattering, AKA Azem, and Emet-Selch’s dead boyfriend’s accidentally made conscious ghost hands you the matching badge of office which is used from here out as the go-to hand wave for where you’re getting other party members from for boss fights where it wouldn’t make sense for anyone else to be there. Anyway you smack him around, he banishes you to the shadow realm, Emet-Selch’s ghost is hanging out and unbanishes you because aside from all the evil empire founding he really is a nice guy who likes you, G’raha pulls a weird trick kinda like Moenbryda to suck his soul out and trap it in the crystal tower itself, and then it’s finally time to head back.

Well, again, after everyone takes a goodbye tour. And people are starting to pass out because their bodies are dying from not having souls in them. But yeah, Y’shtola has to say goodbye to the cat man (as opposed to catboy) who she has clearly been either sleeping with for the past few years or waiting for to grow enough of a spine to offer her more than soup, Alphinaud has to say goodbye to his adopted catgirl mom, you have to go bring Ardbert’s old warrior of light crystal to his old amaro pal and let them know his soul’s just kinda in your body now, Alisae’s mourning her (girl?)friend who died horrifically and checking in on the kid she fixed with her porxie that she died to save, Urianger has books to pack and maybe some off-camera pixie thanking for helping work the whole trans thing out, and Thancred has to say goodbye to Ryne. That one sucks, since she’s kinda the whole party’s adopted daughter, but she doesn’t have a comatose body on the otherside to jam a soul in, and she’s got her new goth disaster girlfriend to spoil, so, she’ll be fine.

G’raha’s in kind of a weird spot because he’s totally coming with you but his physical body is here, and also he’s kinda been pushing himself too hard with various big heroic sacrifice things and is kind of like 90% crystal 10% super old cat boy now. But, he’s got a crazy idea about how TECHNICALLY he totally does have a body back there. His past self, still in that version of the tower, not having gone through the whole dark future he averted by forcing you to take a break, and he’s pretty sure he can just kinda crystalize himself, you pass that off to young him, they just kinda merge since they’re the same person and have the same memories up until the point you do that, and tada, just a normal 20 something catboy with however many hundreds of years of extra memories. Which works out just fine somehow.

Back home there’s a big ol’ teary reunion with the two ultra short Scions who didn’t get to come along, and Tataru is nice enough to sew up recreations of everyone’s cool new goth phase looks and host a tea party, during which Alisaie is talking to Alphinaud and frankly just breaks the 4th wall to gripe about how everyone else gets cool new outfits and class changes and they’re still looking like they have since Heavensward, to which Alphinaud says they’ll get their turn and the rest needed it more. Which is totally referencing how they were still all using their release models before this expansion whichwere a few years out of date posability wise.

We’re still not quite done though! Gotta set things up for the next expansion after all. So getting right back into that, when last we checked on the empire outside of visions of doom from G’raha’s now averted timeline, Zenos had come back from the dead in a pretty convoluted way, and killed the emperor. Which WOULD make him the new emperor except you know that’s a pretty huge crime and also not even a country full of nazis are stupid enough to want this guy in charge. Hell, he doesn’t even want to be in charge. He just killed his father because if he didn’t he’d just go poison the whole population and kill a bunch of people without any big climactic duels, most importantly with you. Instead they’re just kinda having a civil war now while he hangs out in the throneroom as an official enemy of the state after killing everyone who tried to take him out before someone had the idea to just legislate that hey, none of us our with this guy.

Also hanging out in there is the hands down worst villain ever in the whole game, another Ascian, which doesn’t make sense because by my count they’re all dead. He’s just one of those “lesser” ones though, where someone found the reincarnated version of someone on their big evil council, taught him annoying immortality tricks, and gave him the badge of office. Since then he’s gone and found the single-most punchable face in the world to wear, that of Yatsuyu’s somehow even worse brother, with the whole dumb fake peace treaty plan. He’s very theatrical and dancing around and talking about his big evil plan and Zenos basically just tells him “hey do whatever the hell you want as long as it ends with me getting to have another date/duel with the protagonist,” and goes back to watching the empire just kinda burn down in a really devastating civil war.

Meanwhile Alisaie has the bright idea that if her magical big-eared suck-pig (which she named Angelo if I didn’t mention it, games past the SNES get only the weirdest name drops) can cure being on one’s way to turning into a sin eater, maybe with some tweaking it can also fix the whole Tempering thing. So, quick field trip to Azys Lla with G’raha so he can use his bloodline security clearance to get info on what they worked out on this, and short verson yeah. The info dump is on a failing hard drive so they need to get Cid to help fix it, but it’s the same principle, should work on anyone who’s not like, turned into a horrible fish-monster levels of god corrupted. Only problem is setting up the porxie with the right magic tricks is pretty time and magic consuming. Alisaie basically runs to make a test case of that traumatized to hell kobold kid who like I keep saying is the core of her whole character and yeah, pulls him back to just normal, functioning levels of traumatized. Also he’s voice acted and it’s not just shrieking sounds like in the kobold tribe quests and it bugs me.

So, cool. We have worked out a cure for religion. Only problem is scale. Quick visit to Matoya to pick her brain on that. She’s both flattered and really annoyed to find out that Y’shtola’s been impersonating her, and that frankly nobody ever comes to visit her when they don’t need a favor, but she has the bright idea to just make one giant horrible “mother porxie” that constantly spits out pre-templated ones that just need a competent magic user to de-religion anyone who isn’t too far gone. She has a super whimsical giant golem kiln in one of her many ridiculous back rooms, you just have to smack around some elementals and hop on buttons to get it working, fight a berserk giant flying pig with a little crown, and you’re good.

Anyway, hey! You know who we haven’t really checked in on since literally before the start of Heavensward when there was that awkward incident at the party, other than the peace talks with the emperor which went badly? Merlwyb, the admiral of Limsa Lominsa and first likeable character in the game! Since the problem of the big nazi empire is kinda resolving itself, she’s been turning her attention to the other big consistent narrative theme, and looking to solve racism. Or at least to get a formal treaty going with the local kobolds and sahaguin. This isn’t going over with a bigshot pirate captain (’s second in command running things while he’s sick), who kinda thinks it’s total BS that they’re this whole pirate nation and they’ve kinda stopped killing people and taking their stuff entirely, and has been particularly avid on screwing with monster folk because see they’re not really people, is his logic. Merlwyb has no patience for that, and just kinda goes, look, pirate rules, you don’t like how I run things, you challenge me to a duel, none of this sneaking around behind my back crap. Kid’s an idiot and accepts this, she shoots the gun out of his hand, the actual captain of his ship gets out of bed to ask hey what the hell about him being such an idiot and apologize.

Then right after that, she’s like, right, cool, now we have all these stolen crystals from the other locals, and this religion cure, let’s make a peace offering of these, I’ll personally walk in with enough crystals they’ll definitely have a priest try and summon Titan to kill me, Alisaie does her thing, actual peace talk time. That’s pretty much how things play out, except, you know, he has a lot of reasons to hate humanity besides the whole religious zealotry thing. Merlwyb goes yeah, fair point. When we first settled here we totally made a peace agreement on how to share things and totally screwed you over in a colonialist fashion rather than stick to the spirit of it. Here’s the gun I used to kill my father, who signed that and later got turned by Leviathan, if it’ll sweaten the deal here, feel free to kill me with it. He doesn’t obviousl, and hey, peace achieved.

So Alisaie, for real, I think you owe the nice cool pirate lady an apology for implying she was a bloodthirsty racist way back with the faction picking speech commentary at the start of the game. Things broadly get patched up with the other four races off camera, but all this gets interrupted because there’s suddenly big ominous imperial looking towers all over the world. This bugs the heck out of me because up until now a huge deal has always been made about territorial control and transportation logistics and such and just teleporting big buildings in all over does not fly with that at all. Everyone goes to Ala Mhigo to talk about it because frankly they just have the nicest meeting hall out of anyone. Ul’dah’s might be close but the last big meeting everyone had there ended pretty badly. Anyway Fandaniel, whose name sucks almost as much as his personalty and his plan, shows up with “Lunar Bahamut” because you can’t be a terrible villain without recycling better ideas, and explains his terrible plan. Roughly, “I don’t care about that whole restoring the world thing the proper Ascians were all into, I wasn’t there for any of that. I just want to kill everyone in the world and then myself.” SUCH a downgrade after this last expansion. Hell he’s a downgrade from freaking Lahabrea.

Anyway Thancred shows up for the after-meeting meeting at Scion HQ to share our other reveal. What’s up with the towers is the new unbearable jerk here worked out a plan where the citizens of the empire started worshipping the empire itself as a god and did the summoning thing. Just, religion-ified hyper-nationalism. So on top of getting set on fire along with other horrible things thanks to a civil war, almost the whole population of the empire is now all zombie-like with religious compulsion, and the imperial palace is this sort of nightmare tower that I guess is just like popping out sub-towers all over the world, also putting out that worship us field.

So naturally, we have a small little strike force going in to check one of these towers out consisting of... not you for once! Rauban has access to Fordola who’s still all in on suicide missions to repent, and Arenvald who... I swear is totally an established character I just haven’t mentioned him. There’s a bunch of minor background people who hang out at Scion HQ, he’s one of them, he went off to have a more major role in Stormblood but doesn’t really do anything specifically worth calling out, has an interesting little backstory about his mom slicing his head open because he was maybe growing that “third eye” the imperials have, he just kinda randomly has the whole Echo thing because some people do, involved in a lot of Fordola stuff. Anyway they sneak in, set off an alarm, get jumped by “Lunar Ifrit” he’s stuck in a wheelchair for the rest of his life. They do find out though that the towards have hundreds of people embedded in the walls just like in Bahamut’s prison to summon whichever god they worship constantly, on demand.

Time to run around a bit and gather info. Tiamat summoned actual Bahamut forever ago, so Estinein’s off to pay her a visit and see if she has any insight here. The Scions are looking for Estinein because... frankly he’s cool and it’s nice to keep him in the loop on these things. You bump into him, he’s all “wow you look so much more mature and manly Alphinaud!” ... to Alisaie. She has no clue but is mad about someone making a fake version of her dead boyfriend/god and wants to help but, you know, she summoned the actual one and reminds you she might just end up doing that again what with the whole Tempering thing. Tiamat’s weird like that. But, you know, we’ve got a cure for religion now. No more excuse for just standing around Azys Lla in the weird bondage gear, come help with stuff. Specifically that other cool all-your-friends-show-up-to-help dungeon I mentioned, when Fandaniel and his pathetic fake Bahamut are terrorizing the cool lizard people by Ul’dah. Kind of a speedbump fight, the whole “lunar” gods thing is just kinda here for a little boss filler without needing new designs really.

Anyway, the liberated lizard pals are now onboard, getting their religion cures distributed. Ditto for all the others. For real, Alisaie and Merlwyb just kinda ended religion and racism between them, everyone’s cool with everyone now. Unless you’re still grinding out those tribe quests, then there’s still jerks around I guess. You shouldn’t be though, best content in the game.

Krile figures hey, why don’t I go back to Nerd Town (aka Sharlayan, aka Old Sharlayan... the ruins from Heavensward were kind of an expansion site, they still have a turbo nerd college town off on an island) and ask the neutral-in-every-war scholarly jerks there if they maybe want to help because the empire really shouldn’t qualify as a side anymore when not taking sides, it’s just kind of hell on earth and full of zombies. OK I shouldn’t say zombies for this sort of thing because actual zombies are a thing and they’re actually all very nice and polite, but you know what I mean. Anyway, she’s taking off, and figure’s hey, seat’s open, let’s maybe officially make Estinein part of the team? Welcome aboard you super helpful idiot.

It’s seriously just boardroom meeting season. You have another one to officially welcome everyone who didn’t count as human to your grand old alliance and also formally quit it with that don’t count as human thing because really what the hell with that. Anyway I don’t think that meeting’s even over when Nerd Town sends a representative over to answer Krile’s inquiry formally. Turns out it’s the twins’ father, and he is just a gigantic asshole. His response is basically, “no, screw you, it’s not actually ‘the end of the world’ just because some jerk says he wants to kill everyone, and hey while I’m here, screw my father, he sucked, and screw my kids, you suck, and you know what, I’m officially disowning you when I get home.”

Krile calls on the phone after (I’ve mentioned that’s a thing right? Technically they’re called linkpearls and it’s like some kind of quantum entangled clam and pearl thing or something? In-game rationalization for chat functionality that gets used pretty constantly in the plot to just... make phone calls, rings and everything). Anyway she says everyone in Nerd Town’s hiding something, ASAP people should come check it out. First though we need to have a proper gameplay endcap. The deal with the towers is they’re sucking all the aether out of the world to redirect it somewhere (turns out the moon, eventually, which I don’t think the characters really clue into until a bit later, but we get villain cutaways, but it needs storing somewhere first). Anyway, we have a big showdown in Carteneau, which is where the big end of 1.0 battle was happening when the apocalypse happened and I think is where the PvP stuff nobody cares about happens and I couldn’t point it out to you on a map to save my life. Between Thanalan (country Ul’dah’s the capital of) and Mor Dhona apparently, as I check a wiki. Anyway, big ol’ fight against all these lame Lunar gods with the whole party, and by that I mean control actually rotates around and you play as if not all I think at least most of your NPC pals for different bits.

We get a cutaway to Fandaniel doing the whole evil advisor thing, “oh they’ve stopped us from gathering party there, we’ll just have to redirect to an area we still control, heh heh heh” sort of crap but... honestly Zenos doesn’t actually care in the slightest what this guy does, it’s not his evil plan, he’s literally JUST here to kill/bang/be-killed-by you and has kinda just spent this whole patch series looking through his pile of absurd weapons for one that seems cool enough to bring for the rematch, settling on a big ridiculous switchblade-y scythe.

Meanwhile, yeah, time to see what’s up in Nerd Town. Before leaving you get a weird vision/brief glimpse of some woman with one of those lame Ascian masks all warning you you’re the only one who can stop the forthcoming apocalypse. But of course actually hopping the boat has to wait until next time.

Oof, I could have sworm MOST of this was in the next expansion proper, but this patch set really is just super heavy on foreshadowing the next expansion. I believe part of that is there was apparently some sort of writers room issues with the next expansion where basically, they had two ideas for what to do next, couldn’t decide which to do first, and kinda ended up just cramming both into a single expansion which among otherthings caused a BUNCH of setup to leak out over here.

I’m planning to finish this write up by the end of the month or close to it, hopefully people throw enough money at my Patreon that I can continue to survive past there. Meanwhile a couple quick last thoughts I probably should have squeezed in before now:

I don’t know if I mentioned this but all through Shadowbringers G’raha is constantly casting all the spells that were “grey magic” in FF6 (mute, float, invis, exit, etc.) which otherwise don’t exist in FF14, and I just think that’s a fun little gimmick to work in. Also I think I mentioned the bunny girl dancer that’s his captain of the guard? She’s not a super important character but there’s an interesting dynamic where she’s got a huge crush on him and is broken up about him leaving, but totally gets that she never had an actual chance, because he has a super obvious dorky crush on you to the point he’s oblivious.

Also, role quests. Shadowbringers had these instead of job quests. 4 for combat classes, 5 for crafters/gatherers. Pretty simple plot progression. The crafting ones are all about doing stuff around the Crystarium like helping the local vet and a girl who restores antiques, but then one has you help a cryptozoologist prove invisible brontosauruses are real, that’s kinda neat. The combat ones are all about the backstory for the rest of Ardbert’s old party. But there’s this whole thing where after you’ve done all of them, the woman running the bar who’s coordinating all the bountyhunters confesses to you in a pretty overly dramatic way that she was ALSO in Ardbert’s party, and before that she was one of the heroes in the Thirteenth, AKA The Void, or if you’re me just hell.

Turns out when things got screwed up there, the Ascians made basically the same deal with her they did with Ardbert. Hey, go to this other dimension, try and fix the cosmic balance by pushing things the other way. So she did and feels real bad about it. You forgive her because whatever, things worked out. But also, hey, she’s lonely, and while I think I forgot to mention it at the time, there’s also some kid who showed up back during that whole “Warriors of Darkness” setup who was also from the Thirteenth, doing the same sort of world hopping deal, who gives you a bunch of exposition on that. So you end up smuggling him over to the First in G’raha’s soul transfer crystal, presumably after rinsing it out first, they get to hang out. Nothing super important about this yet but I want to have mention of it here for sometime later.

Next up is Endwalker, which really sells itself here as being the actual ending of FF14′s story for real, flat out, and promises a trip to the moon.

#final fantasy 14 #ff14 #final fantasy xiv #ffxiv #hard mode ryne-shiva has magical girl transformations apparently

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