#ryguy 🐙

[rylie-and-caspian]

salmon runners will be the last person not in a life ring and get the ink jet and you’re thinking “wow we’re saved!!!!” until they immediately begin flying in the other direction at sonic speeds, attacking the bosses and not reviving the teammates, until they inevitably crash land in the middle of 42069 cohocks and they, too, are bludgeoned to death

[rylie-and-caspian]

CMON GUYS LETS GET SPLASHY PAT 2 TRENDING!!!!!!

Guys can we get splashy pat to trending

[rylie-and-caspian]

dude i was doing a fuckin turf war and we were losing horribly and then i realized PEOPLE WERE TEAMING so obviously i killed everyone to death (joke)

anyway teamers can gtfo

[rylie-and-caspian]

@INKOPOLISREPRESENT HAS BEEN RENAMED TO @RYLIE-AND-CASPIAN!!!!

just so ya all know :)

-ryguy 🐙

We’re gonna try 2 be slightly more active from now on!!! And explain our disappearances lolol

-caspian 🦑

i just stretched a muscle in my foot SO HARD augh

-ryguy 🐙

[rylie-and-caspian]

heyyy it’s ya boy ryguy back @ it again w another weapon review!!!! who in cod’s name would ever willingly use the clash blaster

[rylie-and-caspian]

me fr

My genders are "#1 Overall Splatter", "#1 Enemy Splatter", and "#1 Popular Target"

[rylie-and-caspian]

ok so like cas said he had to go on a business trip which is like normal for his job ig but then he came back looking like he’d been attacked by a giant cheese grater and he still won’t explain what the fuck’s going on. also the zapfish is back

[rylie-and-caspian]

never read pearl x marina smut fanfic (or pearlina fanfic in general) but i don’t have to cuz i know it would be just like this

“do you want this, pearl”

“yo i’m not sure i’m ready for this, marina, dawg”

[rylie-and-caspian]

um……. um..,,, it’s ball….. because….., um

splatfest theme from my dream last night

which team are you and why is it ball

[rylie-and-caspian]

@captainswordbunni i’m so glad i made yr first day a good one. also i luv yr pfp!!!

[rylie-and-caspian]

You should write marina x pearl cuz y not

you’re so right anon (cough cough mootie) i definitely didn’t ask to request this so it wouldn’t seem unprompted and like no-one asked for it!!!!!!!!

!!sex warning!! weeooweeoo

(also fourth wall breaking + references to human/non-splatoon thingz ahead. this means nothing for ryguy lore lolol)

(you can also find this dumb shit [now edited] on my ao3)

pearl and marina were sitting in their lil talk show building with the bigass window and actually not talking about anything for once. i know. i was there. i zoomed in on them. they weren’t talking. they didn’t even wave. i mean what

you see, they had become a lil awkward the past week cuz poor marina was narrating her diary in her room and pearl was eavesdropping. this entry was about how much she wanted to do something to a certain someone

so yea. it was eerily quiet in the studio. they didn’t put on their lil splatcast with much gusto either. every kid in town was wondering if their idols were ok or what

“so.” said pearl. “uh. should we talk about it, yo?”

marina didn’t say anything for a while. then,

“how much did you hear?”

“uh. like,” pearl began. “i heard you say, ‘i. wan. na,” she said with small, awkward pauses in between each syllable

pearl gulped. “like, i heard you say you… wanna… uh… peg… cod this is hard”

marina jumped a little from pearl saying “hard.” her giant fucking headphones fell down from the sudden movement

pearl took a deep, dramatic inhale, and tried once again, “YOU WANNA PEG LIL JUDD!!!!”

“um what” marina said

pearl’s face was red as shit from embarrassment. like a crying kid who pissed his stupid pants on an airplane. but also there was a glimmer of confusion in her eyeballs

“that’s what you said, m-dawg,” pearl replied

“no it’s not”

“literally was, girl”

“i will actually find the diary page and read it back to you, pearl. it didn’t say that”

“bet”

~~~

“ok i have the diary,” marina said. “super jumped all the way back to our coddamn apartment for this shit”

“listen rina,” said pearl, “it’s fine if you wanna fuck lil judd and you just need to get it out of your system… via diary. just don’t do it in real life and it’s cool-”

“pearl i swear to you i didn’t write that i wanted to peg lil judd-”

“ok, so you claim to not have written it, but that doesn’t mean you still don’t want to-“

“if you keep this up i’m gonna start getting the idea that you wanna peg lil judd!!”

“just read the page, bro!!!”

marina pried the book open. it instantly opened to the right page. fanfic logic. i mean what

marina pointed a stiff, indignant finger to the page and traced the words as she read them:

“‘dear diary, cod i wanna peg pearl so bad!!!’”

she snapped it closed. “there’s your proof!!”

pearl’s mouth was wide open. silence for a moment once again. marina was getting really fuckin tired of silence

finally… “HUH”

“honestly i have no idea how you heard ‘lil judd-’”

“i’m sorry can we please go back to the part where you admitted that you wanted to FUCK ME”

“oh yeah,” marina replied. she shifted uneasily in her chair. “i guess i should probably be awkward about that, huh”

a pause in the conversation. a earsplitting cough from pearl before wiping her clammy hands on her shiny pink pants

“so uh are you gonna sex me or what, yo”

marina choked on air. “hm??”

“like… yknow. you wanna do it. i wanna do it. now that we’ve established this i feel like the logical next step is to have lesbian sex”

“um actually the logical next step would be to talk it out??”

“nahh this is getting too dialogue-heavy. i mean what”

“pearl what the hell is that supposed to mean-”

pearl immediately ripped off her shiny pink pants. well actually she tried to immediately rip off her shiny pink pants. they weren’t so easy. it took some elbow grease

marina not-very-subtly eyed her day of the week underwear. “pearl i appreciate the gesture but is that really practical”

“rina i have like a million platinum cards it’s chill. i’ll just buy sexier pants that are easier to get off”

marina tentatively approached pearl. “um,” she mumbled. “uh,” she said.

she tried to be cute by pushing pearl’s hair out of her face but it didn’t really work cuz pearl’s hair was already entirely out of the way, revealing her impressively massive fuckin dome

marina withdrew and hid her face. “cod i can’t fucking do this!!”

“woah. am i that unsexy?? like so unsexy i made you say the fuck word?!”

“no, no, it’s just… well… i have no idea how this works”

pearl raised her eyebrows (plenty of room on that forehead for raising eyebrows) and breathed/laughed. “wait… you’re telling me you know what pegging is but you don’t know how sex works??”

“it’s fanfic okay??! i read fanfic!! they can be super kinky and never actually explain what’s going on!!!”

“bro!!!” pearl laughed hysterically and wiped a massive steven universe goober of a tear out of her eye. i mean what. “fanfic about who??! i gotta know, dawg!!”

need i remind you pearl is still just standing here. in her day of the week underwear

“uhm, uh, erm, um, well, it’s fanfic about us. i don’t know if you know this but they have this thing called ‘pearlina-’”

“bro, rina, dawg, emmie, girl…….. you telling me you’ve been reading fanfic about us pegging this entire time”

“well, like, not the entire time. i didn’t know inklish for a while so-”

“ok, 2 questions: one - do they not have octarian fanfic?”

there was a pause while marina waited for the second question

“i need an answer to ask the next question,” pearl continued

“oh! uh. probably now there is? but i didn’t really know what fanfic was until i started living in inkopolis. and i could only find it in inklish”

“ok, two - you’ve been reading fanfic of you pegging me since you learned to speak inklish???”

“i mean basically. again. didn’t know what it was for a while-”

“rina. have you been wanting to sex me this entire time???!!!!”

“uh well not really anymore. between the tuesday underwear and this entire conversation i think i’ve lost my drive-”

“FOREVER??!11”

“no, no!! just give me like… a- a sec to process all this and then we’ll talk about it.”

pearl collapsed into her chair and crossed her bare legs on the coffee table she was just standing by. “well that’s a relief. good thing we got all that sorted out, huh, rina? otherwise i woulda tooootally thought you were fucking cats. also it’s good to know you’re into me i guess. but now that i think about it, that’s not that surprising.”

pearl sat up. her crown slouched down. she said, “remember that one time you manhandled me and then you were just on top of me for a while after the whole kamabo adventure?”

“again, it was a hug!! also i’m not a man,” marina protested.

“i’d let you fuck me even if you were though,” pearl winked.

“that’s great, but maybe consider putting on some pants,” marina said. “i don’t mind too much - still though, the underwear - but we don’t have blinds and those kids out there have been recording for… like… since i looked over there and saw them recording. you’re not wearing pants”

“oh shit,” replied pearl

“yeah,” said marina. “they’re gonna post it everywhere”

“i’m gonna post all over the place after you peg me,” pearl said

“the hell”

~~~

fin

[rylie-and-caspian]

just found out promotions at grizzco mean jackshit other than yr job becomes infinitely harder. are there really no other jobs in the area?????!

[rylie-and-caspian]

New explanation!

Sooo that sewer uncle guy is actually not my uncle. That’s the Squid Sister’s uncle named captain cuttlefish and he was looking for more recruits FOR SQUIDBEAK SPLATOON. As in an ARMY. so I uh sorta lied to ryguy. sorry ry 😬

-caspian 🦑

in case it wasn’t clear - caspian was covering for cuttlefish cuz caspian’s in the coddamn squidbeak splatoon. he got the fucking zapfish back. and fought a bear on a rocketship. so

-ryguy 🐙

How did you two meet?

q&a pt one!!

it was my first day in splatsville and i saw an old man come out of a sewer?? i think??? anyway he was looking at me weird so i go over there to see what the fuck’s up and then i meet caspian!!

he explains the old guy’s his (crazy) great uncle and not to mind him too much. i mean w a hook like that, how could i not talk to him more?? also i seriously needed help getting around lolol. i didn’t know where the hell i was going

-ryguy 🐙

Um. What Ry said.

-caspian 🦑

[rylie-and-caspian]

HOLY SHIT no fuckin WAY that’s legal!!!!??1 i mean i can’t like sue what do i sue them for???? i sold my soul also there’s no way i’d win and i need the cash waaaaaaa dude i almost fuckin died what the hell

[rylie-and-caspian]

I HAVE SLAIN COHOZUNA what did i fuckin tell you guys

[rylie-and-caspian]

got a skateboard as a prize from the shell out machine so now i have to take up skateboarding so i don’t look like a poser ¯\_(ツ)_/¯