#ruinedheart : momo.

[necrosin]

for once, or perhaps for the first time in a long, long while, he’s unsure where to look as the door closes / and they’re left alone again. not for long, apparently, okarin said he would be right back, but for now, for the time being, and he looks automatically to the moon just barely visible over the tops of buildings, casting its uncaring pale light upon the city that cared just as little for it. if only he were the moon —— and it’s a truly dire situation when he begins to wish he were inanimate objects / though would an artist truly call the moon inanimate? transcendental, perhaps.

yuki doesn’t feel like much of an artist, now / he doesn’t feel like much of ANYTHING AT ALL but for a singular, raw, exposed nerve. as if he were a violin with its strings tuned too tight, threatening to snap —— snapping. or perhaps he’s simply a desperate and pathetic human, wanting to deny the so very human condition of fear and love and how bitter they are when they mix.

he wants to look at momo / looking at momo hurts / doesn’t it always hurt? ( yes, yes ) hasn’t it hurt, always, from the very beginning? he’s always been so bright, his own personal light, and ——

it’s strange. how you could want so badly to cry, but not know quite how to. sometimes he couldn’t help but envy people who cry easily.

the moon sighs, as if to say, what a stupid man. yuki turns from the moon and / can’t quite / not yet / there’s still so much hurt and rage and anger and love and it’s all tangled in a knot in his chest threatening to suffocate him and he looks at all of the empty bottles on the floor and feels nauseated. he can’t stand the sight of them —— momo had always been good with liquor. far better than yuki.

he ignores how his hands shake as he starts to collect them / it’s an almost mindless act / a humming tune that’s half-forgotten and acknowledged only in spaces where the mind wanders and wanders and wanders. the smell registers like a piercingly high note in his mind —— hm. maybe he will be sick, after all.

❝ —— is there anymore? ❞ he says to the floor / to the light / carefully does not think about how unsteady and awful and small his voice sounds / and it’s ridiculous to try to collect all of them all at once but if he doesn’t —— if yuki doesn’t, then —— he winces instinctively at a broken piece of bottle. half-wishes that fear wasn’t like a knife’s edge ( ha, get it? ) in his mind, because he thinks he’d rather like to break all of them ; oh, don’t fret, it’s a wild thought, a misplaced thought, a thought that pierces through the veil of panic and fear to land amongst overwhelming, overwrought love. i know my love is hurting you.

@ruinedheart​ ——  ❤

[sunhalf]

@ruinedheart / momo & kumi!

"It's good they have you." Kumi knows enough about the group's tragic backstory — about all of their backstories. Nobody has it easy here, it seems, no matter what group they belong to. ( it's still sort of dizzying, that she knows all of them at all. ) She's not someone who's kind — her eyes are distant, far away, as if these are the sorts of things she can only say when she's half - there. ( her parents were supposed to visit, but they canceled a day prior. she's not quite recovered from the strange mixture of terror and hope that had led up to the visit, nor to the empty feeling that's followed the cancelation. ) "That they...have someone who wants to take care of them. I'm glad."

[decaysate]

"    not too high,    suno-san!    "    she adjusts his hands so it's closer to the ground,    which mochi is still carefully exploring his palm with her nose.    "    it's important not to lift them too high,    because they can fall off!    hamsters don't have good eyesight,    you see.    "    satisfied with the mini lecture,    she carefully allows dango into her hands,    smiling fondly as the hamster shuffles around.    "    but i think mochi likes you,    suno-san.    she only really likes exploring around people she feels safe around,    so consider that an honor!    "    ♡  *    @ruinedheart,    for momo.

[necrosin]

not for the first, hundredth, thousandth, and certainly not last time it occurs to yuki how very lucky he is in many ways, but especially with how gentle and caring his beloved is with him. in spite of popular perception, he's entirely aware of his own tendency for the dramatics, of which momo is happy to go along with and make room for, day after day / FOR THE REST OF TIME, if yuki has his way. ( luckily, he tends to get his way with momo : that's the benefit of his honey spoiling him so very much. ) yuki takes the hand offered to them and a fleeting thought appears and is gone again : of momo's hands and his hands, intertwined forevermore, like two souls. ❝ if you put it that way i can certainly muster up the energy for you, ❞ the trick with their married couple act is simply that yuki says whatever he wants from the very bottom of his heart when it comes to momo, and it simply tends to work. many may believe that it's simply an ACT, but yuki can count on one hand the number of times he had put on any form of pretense when it came to momo —— and while he may hate running, especially outdoors when it feels as though he's BAKING UNDERNEATH THE SUN ( alright, musikdrama ) he would do just about anything for momo. that's why he had agreed to this to start with / but sometimes you just need to complain, right? ❝ there's no rule, but it's best to get it over with, ❞ it's a bad idea, honestly, one that will surely end with yuki collapsed at the finish line and utterly incapable of moving for at least two hours, but he has momo to take care of him. also, if he stops again, yuki is fairly certain he just won't finish. ❝ lead the way, ❞ he squeezes momo's hand, reluctant as ever to let go, but always willing to follow him wheresoever he may go.

the way his head falls back in laughter was completely genuine, though momo wouldn’t be surprised if it was taken as another of their performances. there’s no helping the lovestruck expression at how yuki manages to gather up the courage to keep going ( momo doesn’t think anyone would be all that surprised if he called for a break or simply decided he couldn’t make it all the way to the end ) and a hand is extended out for the other to take hold — for forever, if yuki wanted to. ❛ of course i’m energetic! it’s a beautiful day, everyone is gathered together, and yuki is running with me! ❜ there was so much excitement coursing through his veins that momo could easily run to the finish line and back within record time (he won’t, because yuki is holding on to his hand and momo wouldn’t dream of dragging him along for any more running than what’s already required! ) hands give squeezes of encouragement to yuki’s hand, ready to continue forward whenever the other was. they could run any race, at any pace — so long as yuki was there, beside him. ❛ if i’m running with my darling, then any speed is the perfect speed!❜ but he makes sure to drop his voice an octave, to show the genuinity of his next words. ❛ just let me know if you need to take a break, okay? there’s no rule that says we have to run this in one sitting, after all! ❜ and so body is poised and at the ready to continue forward, ready to run towards their finish line!

[necrosin]

in the end, perhaps the human body simply isn’t meant to push its limits quite so far, mankind isn’t meant to live among the stars —— an error in some stage of evolution or another, surely —— and he can feel himself start to falter, a part of the melody is slipping away, too energetic to fit the cadence of the rest of the song, cacophonous noise building and building until he simply : collapses. well, more specifically, falls to his knees because, truly, he can’t be expected to run so far. A WHOLE CITY BLOCK? that’s nearly enough activity to kill him outright, never mind the hours that he spends singing and dancing on stage multiple nights per week —— that is different, and running is torture. ❝ momo, ❞ the asphalt is hot beneath his hands, and yuki wants terribly to curl up and sleep, ❝ go on without me... this is the end... ❞ or, he supposes : an energizing embrace from momo would suffice, as well. nearly as good as a nap, really.

@ruinedheart​​ —— for momo, from yuki !!

[necrosin]

with yuki so preoccupied on the sheets of paper, it made it so much easier to sneak up and hit him with a kiss! a quick little thing, encouragement for working so hard! ❛ so handsome, so talented! ❜ / for yuki from momo <3

oh, dear. he's done it again.

overwrought and under stimulated / no —— no that isn't quite right, his mind echoes with a shapeless form that demands to be heard and yet, when he sets it to paper : the beat is off, the harmony too discordant, the lyrics taking shape in his mind detest the shape which this melody demands to take —— but perhaps these lyrics aren't meant for this song / this song isn't meant for these lyrics / or maybe it was simply ( yet another ) a case of : yuki was being entirely too fussy.

for the millionth time.

never quite satisfied, are you? never quite settled, always with music thrumming beneath his skin with nowhere to go but outwards, but what if it didn't land quite right? what if there was nowhere for this music to go? what if —— what if ——

( a rueful, half—mirthful thought : you just can never let go, can you? you're going to kill yourself chasing the world like an especially stupid ouroboros, aren't you? )

WHAT IF —— what if on the cusp of a perilous storm : the SUN rose, inexorably and eternally, demanding to cast its warm rays on the shadowed corners of his soul?

the sun is a star / is a gallant boy / is a man so overflowing with love that it's wondrous and beautiful and terrifying. the light / he chooses to, deigns to, pour into this vessel, of all things, that threatens to ( it's not even a threat, is it? you very well just might, you know this well. ) perish away without LOVE OF / FOR SOMETHING, ANYTHING AT ALL, THE SORT OF LOVE THAT MUST BE ALL CONSUMING.

how dramatic.

what are dark halls in the face of pure light? —— still so dramatic, goodness !!

how about this, then : by sheer chance alone, by the nature of his very existence, by the circumstances which tied them together so thoroughly, momo drives away nearly all shadows in yuki's soul, surrounding him in light, holding him in his arms. it would be shocking, to be pulled so abruptly from the winding, repeating halls of his mind coiling itself tighter and tighter and tighter around a mere melody by something so simple yet so profound as warmth and affection and love —— would be.

but ( ... ) when hasn't he turned towards love like a plant kept in the darkness for too long? like a child with a heart made of glass? ( you just can never let go, can you? )

gloominess can't dare to exist for long beneath such nurturing ( never mind that isn't WHOLLY TRUE, a fact that he was well aware of, but he can be absurdly sentimental whenever he wishes to be ) and yuki is laughing softly before he fully realizes it, warmth flooding through his body and washing away annoyance. a smile pulls at his mouth where mere moments before it had been pinched in frustrated concentration as he found himself, once more, wholly incapable of letting go.

❝ —— momo, ❞ unrestrained fondness sweetens his tone to a sickly saccharine extent, but he can't help that he adores momo so much, can he? momo, who spoils him far too much —— not that yuki would ever dream of complaining of as much ( he knew that ban rolled his eyes at times, meaning every time, when he would catch momo at it, but oh well! ) because he, always and always and always, did love being spoiled. the remnants of the famished demands of a child with no affection, perhaps?( too much psychoanalysis, not enough momo. ) yuki knew himself well enough that no matter how much he's grown as a person, he couldn't help but crave it. you could argue it was a character flaw / and perhaps it was / yuki simply knew that he craved love monstrously.

he drops the pencil he had been using to scribble ceaselessly on the sheet music that was threatening to mock him in favor of turning to the sun. a plant, et cetera. ❝ distracting me while i'm working so hard? ❞ he twists in his arms to drape his own over momo's shoulders, always wanting to keep him close and closer and closer —— so close that their souls would merge into one, right?

if only.

their noses bump together as he tilts his head, lashes lowering just so, the way he knows always catches momo's attention without fail, wanting to demand a kiss, his smile threatening to slant into an outright smirk. ❝ hmm, i may have to demand compensation for my time.❞ he can't quite resist taking momo's chin in hand teasingly, tilting his head up properly —— as if, whenever momo gives him a centimeter yuki has to take it a kilometer: further and further. ❝ i accept payment in more attention. ❞

and, really, it's only natural to give into this endless refrain, and yuki has always been helpless in the face of the light of his life / when overwhelmed by the cadence of a song. so he kisses momo ; again and again and again, ad finitum, overflowing with his love and intent to devour it like a ravenous beast, only to return it wholeheartedly and wantingly, a song without end, an unrelenting echo.

( something shifts in his mind, the melody shudders and then settles and lyrics threaten to take form / and hadn't momo always been his muse? i practically wrote that song for you. all of my songs are practically for you. )

@ruinedheart !!

[necrosin]

tender hands reach up to cradle his world within his palms,  gentle in the way fingers brush against the darker spots under his eyes.  writer’s block wasn’t easy,  even more so for someone so entirely encompassed in music the way yuki is.  ❛  don’t overwork yourself,  okay?  ❜  it’s all he can offer,  still so inexperienced in the world of musical creation.  ❛  the melody will find you,  i promise!  it’ll be something beautiful,  worth waiting for.  so,  take your time.  ❜

the world isn't quiet / it never is, not truly, not the way it had been in the days after ban had left and he had been solitary for the first time in a long, long while —— that sort of desolation is held at bay by the SUN, HIMSELF, yet somehow that only increases exasperation, increases internal ire with himself. joy and love abounds surrounds him, keeps bleakness out, allows music to flow and swell and a myriad of notes to envelop him, carry him, music demanding to be heard and acknowledged, yet sometimes it doesn't wish to be heard.

it's frustrating.

pages abandoned ( only when they grow flimsy, only when they're too covered in smudged pencil and eraser and torn here and there from repetitive attempts ) and keyboard forlorn and guitar abject and still the melody that lingers in the back of his mind refuses to be heard !! the lyrics are so near, so close / and yet. it's hard to sleep, when the dreaded writer's block claims him, and he knows momo worries when it occurs, knows that HE BECOMES MISERABLE, vain sorrow abounds, sighs upon sighs falling from his lips —— ah, but : the sun keeps desolation at bay, and he's happy to allow @ruinedheart to take his face in hand ( nearly the only one who is allowed to touch him in these moments, the only one who can press in upon his inner sanctum without drawing any sort of wrath ) and he leans into his warm, adoring touch, affection unfurling in his chest for the millionth, billionth, trillionth time. gentle touches across his cheeks, where shadows stretch beneath his eyes / yuki can't help but smile, a soft and quiet thing, the sort of thing that only momo can bring out.

❝ like momo? ❞ something beautiful, worth waiting for, yuki presses forward to push their foreheads together, an adoring nudge that puts him in mind of cats, bumping their noses together as he turns away from the mess of his desk, instead choosing to wrap his arms around momo, to pull him close, feeling not unlike a covetous dragon, pulling his princess close. not that momo is a princess —— really, in near all scenarios it's far more that momo is a prince and YUKI WAS HIS PRINCESS TRAPPED IN A TOWER which he tore down to carry him away, but all the same. ❝ hmm ( ... ) it's hard to be patient when waiting for something so cherished, ❞ had yuki known as a child what would be waiting for him, who would be waiting for him, he surely would have resented the act of growing up ( not that he hadn't, at the time, recalcitrant and pouting all the while ) and would have wanted to skip to this part, to momo's hands, calloused and loving, on his body, to momo held in his arms.

yuki smiles more widely, a brief quirk of his mouth before he tilts his head and kisses his beloved, his sun, the light of his life, the love of his life shortly, chastely, a press of their mouths together, something sweet like honey. ❝ but you're right, and it will be worth waiting for, ❞ momo was worth waiting for, was worth the world, and surely with his muse the melody will hurry along, besides. ❝ i'm lucky to have you to take care of me, momo, ❞ i'd be dead without you, but they both already knew that, surely. he kisses him again, just because he can. ❝ thank you. ❞

[decaysate]

wrapped in the fluffiest blanket money can afford,    she almost feels like drifting off.    to fall asleep on momo’s couch    &.    sleep everything away,    to wake up in the safety of her own bed.    but it’s──    not a dream,    not when the snot clogging his nose    &.    the tears on his face feel too real.    “    i know it’s for the best,    ”    fumi says quietly,    wrapping the blanket tighter around himself.    “    i know kujo-san is right.    but i──    but riku──    ”    a fresh wave of despair crashes over her,    &.    she crumbles,    forehead pressed to her knees in an effort to hide the sudden outburst of tears.    “    ──    he wanted to make it work so badly.    i    ...    i feel like the worst person in the world,    suno-san    ...    ”    ♡  *    @ruinedheart,    for momo.

[decaysate]

❪    ♡    :    ruinedheart.    ❫​​​​​

as if he could ever forget! but it’s more fitting to act the fool, feign a look of surprise before offering an apologetic smile ( that didn’t actually look all that apologetic, if you gave it a good look! ) ❛  of course! when you put it like that.. then i suppose fumi - chan has to be placed higher on the list! oh, but fumi - chan can be so mean to momo, whereas dango and mochi only ever give me little kisses..  ❜ he brings mochi closer, as if listening to any whispers the hamster might have for him. ❛  hmm.. is that what you think? i see.. i see! mochi is so smart, it makes sense!  ❜ he shifts to give fumi a toothy smile, shooting him a wink for good measure! ❛  mochi will share third place with dango.. so fumi - chan can officially be second on momo’s most loved list!  ❜

she pretends to sniffle,    chin held high    &.    looking at momo from the corner of her eye.    “    as it should be,    ”    fumi says,    “    but i’ll still be telling ori-san.    ”    she lets dango back down into the cage,    watching the hamster scramble through the bedding as she sniffles some more──    of course,    she could tell him    ...    but knowing yuki?    he’d probably play along with momo’s antics! so he thinks some more,    brow furrowing in thought.    “    &.    ...    you’ll have to go down on *my* most loved list!    ”    a triumphant grin appears on fumi’s face,    turning towards momo with an innocent look in his eyes.    “    first up are mochi    &.    dango,    obviously    ...    riku-chan is second    ...    the entiiiire wakunan team is in third    ...    ori-san is in fourth,    now,    &.    suno-san be in fifth!    ”

[decaysate]

❪    ♡    :    ruinedheart​.    ❫​​

❛  whoops! you’ll have to forgive the clueless me, fumi - chan!  ❜ it’s said with a bit of a laugh ( the role of the idiot was a hard one to shake off! ) but he’s quick to adjust, to let his hands be lowered for the safety of the animal. it’s a funny sensation, holding on to an animal so small; pets weren’t much of a luxury growing up and there simply wasn’t the time to take care of one now, so this was a welcomed change. ❛  she does? momo likes mochi, too! she’s only second to yuki.. which means that fumi - chan has to be fourth! since dango is honorarily third~  ❜

“    eh?    ”    fourth?    fourth???    she blinks,    before disbelief flashes across her face.    “    hey,    i can stop letting you in to see them,    you know!    you should place me higher up on the list!    ”    fumi pouts,    anger superficial but still warranted.    fourth    ...    beneath her own hamsters!    how cruel!!!    (    she can be beneath yuki,    that’s fine.    everyone knows momo loves yuki most,    &.    vice versa.    )    he nudges momo’s arm with his elbow as he continues complaining,    mindful of mochi    &.    dango still in their hands.    “    if it weren’t for me,    you wouldn’t have met them,    suno-san!    c’mon,    i gotta be second!    pleeeaaase?    ”

[decaysate]

❪    ♡    :    ruinedheart.    ❫​​​​​

it wouldn’t be an easy thing to say / would be even harder to hear —— the bitter truth that came with every changing of the seasons. hand reaches over to bring fumi closer, holding him in a one - armed hug as momo loses himself to the memories of shattered glass and falling snow. ❛  there’s nothing anyone can do to stop things from changing. even the things we love the most, that we hold closest to our hearts can’t go on the same way forever.  ❜ and wasn’t that the cruelest truth of all? even now / even now, they weren’t the same as they used to be / would never be the people they once were. ❛  summer won’t last forever, no matter how badly we want it to. that’s just the way things are.. every chapter has to reach its conclusion for the story to continue. but that doesn’t mean it’s an easy change to accept.  ❜ he knew / he knew / he knew and he hated how much he could understand her plight. ❛  c’mon, let’s order something to eat! comfort food always helps in these kind of situations and you have complete access to all of momo’s funds! so choose whatever you’d like, okay?  ❜

fumi rubs his eyes,    unusually quiet as he thinks on momo’s words.    it’s the irreversible truth,    one he’s been struggling with since the beginning of his third year.    because it’s not──    it’s not just riku that’s leaving.    he thinks of the sun filled gymnasium,    the snow filled courtyard,    &.    thinks that soon enough──    wakunan’s volleyball club will change,    never to be the same again.    the thought makes his brows furrow in anguish,    a fresh wave of grief washing over her.    i wish it didn’t have to continue,    she wants to say,    the thought settling like a stone.    wouldn’t that be lovely?    wouldn’t it be nice?    no more heartbreaks or heartache;    just those beautiful,    summer days.    but that would be selfish──    that would be selfish,    &.    fumi won’t be selfish.    she swallows the words down    &.    closes her eyes instead,    pressing herself into momo’s warmth.    (    she buries the topic deep down in her heart.    )    “    can we get bubble tea?    ”    she asks,    voice meek    &.    small.    “    and popcorn chicken.    if the shops are still open    ...    ”

[decaysate]

❪    ♡    :    ruinedheart​.    ❫​

there wasn’t a pain as agonizing as loving someone who lived in such an unreachable world — in that sense, maybe momo could more than sympathize with her ( he’s still ensnared by it / the reminder of the replacement that he was hanging like a rope around his neck. ) the cup of warm milk is placed on the table before he takes a seat beside him, not entirely sure of how to even start talking. ❛  the hardest part of this might be that nobody is in the wrong. tenn wasn’t wrong to say what he said, but you and riku aren’t wrong to feel how you feel.  ❜ the usual cheer is nowhere to be seen as a hand comes up to pat her back, little circles rubbed between shoulder blades the way his sister would once do to him. ❛  i can imagine riku’s in a similar state, but neither one of you is a bad person. it’s just.. two different worlds. the right people at the wrong time.  ❜

a wave of bitterness swallows her up at the words──    she knows that,    she thinks despairingly,    she understands his words all too well.    of course his brother wasn’t wrong.    of course this fleeting summer was the best one of her life,    when they had still been as happy    &.    carefree as they could be.    of course it had to end,    just like everything else will in her last year of high school.    he scrubs furiously at his eyes ‘til they’re raw    &.    red    &.    now,    the image of riku’s smile turning into a crestfallen is burned into his mind.    time,    time,    time,    he’s running out of it too fast.    “    it feels like everything’s just,    ”    too much,    all the time,    overwhelmingly difficult,    “    falling apart.    ”    bitterness washes away into exhaustion,    &.    he leans into momo’s shoulder,    blinking back more tears.    “    everything’s falling apart,    &.    i can’t stop it.    ”