#ruinaa . 001

[brutlist]

ruinaa​:

she’d never thought of being a mother until she’d met roman –– it sounds so cliche, something she’s loathe to admit, the sort of thing she’d roll her eyes at if she met herself years ago and heard this version of herself say it, how much she had allowed another person to change her. she’d spent the first part of her life looking after elliot, caring for him, tending to him, making sure he had what he needed for school, that he arrived on time, that his permission slips were signed when their own mother worked too late or forgot. she was the one who helped him move into his dormitory his freshman year of college, the one who helped him choose sheets and a comforter, a hamper for his closet, who bought the toiletries, the shower shoes, the well-deserved extravagance of a leather backpack when she and shilah were in florence for a week before his semester started. she did those things without thinking of them; they were just a part of who she was, what was expected of her. she’d never thought of it as mothering. she still doesn’t consider it so now.

but then ridley. she and roman and their conversations in the dark, the giddiness there, the possibility in it. he’d cried when she’d told him, when she’d taken another test, just to be sure. they hadn’t allowed themselves the chance to hesitate, after everything. they had pushed aside the doubt, the fear. they had felt like they deserved this, finally.

she’d expected it to be easier. naive, and a little misguided, and she’d wanted it to be different, had wanted motherhood to come to her more naturally than it actually had. ridley consumes her: his needs, his wants, how he had cried and cried and cried and now, how he only quiets when she holds him, walks him through the brownstone in the middle of the night. she’s so terrified of making a mess of this but, if she allows herself a longer moment of self-reflection, she’s terrified of being so needed, too.

��none of the books talk about this.” she laughs, feels so ridiculous. she’d read them obsessively, put post-it notes on page after page. “i mean –– i think about the times my mother disappointed me. or hurt me. and how she probably didn’t even realize it or doesn’t even think of it now. what if that happens with him one day?”

𝐠𝐨𝐝 , 𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤𝐬 , 𝐝𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐬𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥 𝐠𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝐚𝐬 𝐢𝐭 𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐬 𝐬𝐨 𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐥𝐲 𝐚𝐜𝐫𝐨𝐬𝐬 𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐟𝐚𝐜𝐞 𝐡𝐢𝐭𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐝 𝐝𝐢𝐦𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐝𝐢𝐦𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐢𝐭 𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐭𝐨 , 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐦 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐡 𝐨𝐟 𝐥𝐚𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐬 𝐜𝐡𝐮𝐟𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐮𝐩 𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐬𝐭 . something goes out with it , a niggling thorn she's jimmied loose , the crack of it thumping against the back of his tongue , and god , it shaves off pounds from the yoke . he still has those books . buried like a dead thing in a cardboard box in the dusty parts of his closet , some closet . “     you spend the rest of your life trying to make up for it.  “ the tears were the worst . none of the books ever talk about how to cope with the terrifying tears that well fat and endless at the scrunched corners of a babe's eyes who couldn't possibly be trying harder to screech itself out of it's skin , and god , who could blame it . it was thrust into life with no agenda but the one that had come before it , no language to articulate the incomprehensible confusion of becoming . heugh would be just as inconsolable . and it helped nothing to know it . the nursery was a sentence , at one terrifying time . the bigger his belly grew , the more hellish that door looked . " sometimes , we're supposed to fuck up . there's nothing we can do about it except try to be better . " that's what he'd told himself , anyway . it's funny now --- the thought of being traumatized by a child like ezra , a happy boy with a mop of golden hair , a zeal for athletics he had to have gotten from one of his fathers ; not heugh . there are instances when he will look at his son and recognize the specter of a time he'd long since put behind him --- he still struggles with that . ezra isn't winthrop . and with the grace of his mother's kind tutelage , his patron saint of panicked phone calls and bringer of reprieve as she swoops in to carry his beloved children away when the fray threatens to send heugh plummeting back into that tarry place he'd worked so hard to claw his way out of , he never would be .

his mother had never been perfect either . not even when it should have been her protecting him , instead of his child's fingers scrabbling over that gun in that drawer . " --- did something happen ? "

[0000000000011]

@ruinaa.

                     ‘ safe. ’        and that’s all hat matters. weeks have passed, and the sun still hits the back of her neck, and she still appreciates the warmth. she still draws-- one sheet after the other, with stick men and lion toys, and they still pile up from one table and unspool onto the floor and up the walls. (there are a few of jo. and there are the same number of phil. she hasn’t seen phil in a while. he said he needed to keep her safe, and he may not be around.) 

                but she leaves it just as that: i am happy here. i am safe here.

[thrownsoula]

LITTLE CHARACTER THINGS.

just a fun little character game. fill in the below categories with 3-5 things that your character can be identified by. repost & tag away !

EMOTIONS / FEELINGS:

001. compassion. 002. shame. 003. bemusement. 004. anger. 005. love.

GREETINGS:

001. in libraries --- how can i help you? toned-down customer service smile, but genuine thoughtfulness. hands on hips. inclined to infodump. 002. with strangers --- open curiosity, balanced with respect. keeps physically distant. listening posture. 003. to threats --- holds herself tense, especially across the shoulders. fists at the ready even before armor. calm words, warning tone. 004. for friends --- greeting with expressions ( mouth, eyes, eyebrows ) more than words. invitation to come closer. unreserved affection. 005. closest family --- can be more reserved. more contained smiles, more hesitant hellos. only because there’s more to contain. can i come in?

COLORS:

001. periwinkle ( glittering insects ). 002. yellow ( sunflowers ). 003. brown ( warm doe eyes ). 004. off-white ( glowing, pockmarked moon ). 005. ink blue ( deep water ).

SCENTS:

001. books --- old, new, and in-between. 002. lavender.  003. curry spices. 004. anything damp and clean --- washed hair, recent rain. 005. over-blooming flowers, on the verge of decomposing.

CLOTHING:

001. long layered skirts, solid colors. 002. crop tops, close around the neck but loose below the breasts.  003. hoop earrings. 004. ballet flats. 005. chitinous armor and wicked claws.

OBJECTS:

001. books, lined up straight on a shelf. 002. the cold metal weight between her shoulder blades. 003. margin sketches in five different journals. 004. seashells, painted rocks, small potted plants. 005. bus tickets, creased maps.

VICES / BAD HABITS:

001. self-blame. 002. concealing needs, and inability to ask for help. 003. running blind into danger. 004. struggling to understand honest intimacy. 005. disappearing.

BODY LANGUAGE:

001. sitting with her knees up, reading. sitting on anything that isn’t a chair. 002. prolonged, uncomprehending stares. searching eyes before a smile breaks. 003. an extended hand. offered if you need it, if you want it, and never forced. 004. the full-bodied laughter evoked by sudden, gut-level happiness --- shoulders curved forward, head thrown back. 005. face-burying hugs. arms wrapped tight over and around the shoulders. bracing the back of the head and stroking hair.

AESTHETICS:

001. LIMINAL BEING --- when we were children i would wake you up from nightmares, / your startled eyes and whole body doing what birds do before flight. 002. UNFORGIVEN --- i could tell you stories / about losing control / of the body, /  about my skin not / being my own. 003. SUPPOSE --- there is a lady,whose name is Afterwards / she is sitting beside young death,is slender; / likes flowers. 004. SOMEWHERE I HAVE NEVER TRAVELLED,GLADLY BEYOND --- (i do not know what it is about you that closes / and opens;only something in me understands / the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses) / nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands 005. WHAT THE MIRROR SAID --- listen, / you a wonder. / you a city / of a woman. / you got a geography / of your own.

SONGS:

001. SMOKESTACKS by layla. 002. I WAS JUST TRYING TO BE BRAVE by hans zimmer. 003. LIFEFORMS by daughter. 004. PREY by the neighborhood. 005. I ALWAYS LIKED THAT by maria mena.

tagged by: @battlescarred months ago tagging: @mutantism @erromes @materxnatura @ruinaa @sinninggod @alteanlight @kurotamer & anyone else!