#ruesvents

[chrisevansonly]

i’m in the darkest place of my life and i can’t reach out to anyone because i’ll just be a burden to them…and what’s the point anyway…i never get better..

[chrisevansonly]

i can never go like a day without someone in my family making a tone deaf comment about my eating and then wonder why i skip meals, hide from them to eat and don’t want to joint family dinners. like what do you expect when you make me feel disgusting about myself every single day?😃

[chrisevansonly]

I just got an email letting me know i’m approved to graduate, which i’m trying to be excited about cause sure it’s a great accomplishment. but i can never celebrate without feeling guilty thanks to my family, so i’m not even gonna tell them🙃

i’ll tell my tumblr fam instead because you guys have always supported me and made me feel welcomed and safe in this little blog space, so thank you for that🩷🩷

[chrisevansonly]

i just need to vent a little, i’ll trigger warning this first and you guys can ignore it too, but my mother who i officially decided i want nothing to do with anymore after christmas and what just happened.

this woman is still friends with and loves my old stepdad’s (my moms now ex husband) mother who not only found the abuse and sexual abuse he caused me funny, but condoned his treatment and the domestic violence in our home the ENTIRE time it was happening.

not to mention my mother still hasn’t apologized, acts like we are best friends, blames her SHITTY parenting and the fact that she couldn’t help me from being screamed at, touched, hit etc because she just didn’t want to upset him

anyway moral of the story, don’t ever let your abusers or the bystanders that didn’t help you into your life once you’ve cut them out cause they don’t get a shit about you only themselves🙂

[chrisevansonly]

if people are going to start using anon to once again send me hate and call me names, because it has happened in the past, i’ll be turning my anon asks off.

i’m sorry but i’m already struggling with my mental health right now and i don’t think i deserve to be called names when I’ve done nothing to anyone..if you don’t like something then just scroll past or block me.

i don’t have the energy to read these things and try and defend myself i just fucking don’t.

i’m sorry.

[chrisevansonly]

EXCITING NEWS I NEED TO SHARE WITH MY TUMBLR PALS/FAMILY🤍

You guys are like my family, you’ve constantly been there for me, checking in on me, as well as just providing so much support and love towards not only my work on here but towards me as well and there will never be enough words to thank you all for everything you’ve done for me.

Most of you know I graduate soon, June 14th I’ll be handed my degree, but i’m done April 12th, and i’ll be the first person in my family to graduate university. That has always been something i’ve wanted to do since I was little but always struggled to find my passion until I found Law and fell in love with everything it has to offer.

Another part of my story you all know or recently found out is i’m a survivor of abuse from my stepfather, and neglect from my mother which left me to fend for myself growing up, and looking after my younger brother as well who graduates high school this year and is moving to Germany. I never thought 1. I’d make it to 20 and next month i’ll be 24 and still here, still fighting for myself even if it hurts like hell. Watching my brother grow up to be strong, and resilient like me only helped pushed me to continue on with my journey, because I owed it to him to live my own life after looking after him for basically 18 years now.

It’s still crazy to me that I’m even here writing this news to share with you all because some of you genuinely have been with me through this whether it’s from tiktok or just tumblr.

BUT WITHOUT FURTHER ADUE…

Ive been debating this decision for a while, if you don’t know i’m british canadian, my father lives in the UK and I live in Canada, he moved back when I was little but since then he’s kept in contact with me everyday, and been a parent to me from across the world. I’ve had my eyes set on moving to the UK eventually, specially the London area to practice law and build my career and my life in a new place, a new city and a fresh start which I keep telling myself I deserve. So to stop rambling and being annoying, as I’m currently working on getting my British Passport, since both the UK and Canada recognize dual citizenship; the possibility and opportunity of moving is almost set in stone.

So basically it looks like i’ll be moving to London next year, and I couldn’t be more excited for this new adventure and for the sudden weightless feeling I have…i’ve always fallen behind and lost who I was and it just seems like everything is coming together and I couldn’t be more excited…my neighbours think i’m crazy with all the tears and dancing i’ve been doing all morning🥹😭

[chrisevansonly]

i can’t get a job for the life of me, even with my degree so i decided to go back to school again which means i’m pushing london back (again) and staying in my current city which is going to make my mental health so much fun, i simply can’t wait 🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂

[chrisevansonly]

anytime i want to do something for me and i can afford it i feel like i get zero support from my family, just questioned and told not too…its always been that way ever since i was young and its really taking its toll on me. i guess thats why i haven’t been writing because i am the lowest of lows you can get mentally…

i do everything for them and they can’t even fake being happy..

i’m back to wishing i wasn’t here anymore.

[chrisevansonly]

seeing my mother act like we’re best friends, get excited for me and act like nothing is ever wrong between us is such a shitty feeling.

its also hard because i don’t want her coming to my convocation, but i was told “well you don’t want to stress her out and send her into another epileptic episode” which great that’s on my hands?? then i didn’t want her coming to the party, same issue arises and now she has to come to a lunch after my grad ceremony? once again i’m pushing all my boundaries away for her and at this point i don’t even care.

yesterday she said she was sorry she didn’t divorce my step dad who abused me my entire life because “she was was in autistic burnout” as someone with mental illness and disabilities i would NEVER fucking blame treating someone horribly on that. she played a big part in my treatment too.

then she throws money at me to try and make it better and i’m so fucking tired 😃😃

anyway i needed to rant so here we are, i’m gonna work on some comfort fics because i might actually throw myself off a cliff :))))

[chrisevansonly]

okay it’s a wee bit of a vent time, i’m so frustrated with myself when it comes to writing, i have so many ideas i really want to get out and i just am having such a hard time putting them down into actual words.

which then just bowls into all my additional frustrations of just feeling so stuck and behind in life, but oh well we keep moving🙃

[chrisevansonly]

okay a bit of not amazing news today, i know some of you know my little chocolate lab winnie, well i have been trying to find a family to take her for a little while now due to me moving and knowing she won’t be able to come, i love her and i wish i could, and it’s been a bit of a struggle doing that, but now my grandpa is threatening to put her down this week or next and it is really not effecting me amazingly.

that being said i’m gonna make sure it won’t affect my writing for fall celebration, it just means i highly doubt i will be doing anything in between those posting until i can figure out what to do because this is breaking my heart..

anyway: the first fic will be up by 12pm EST, i love you guys and thank you 🩷

[chrisevansonly]

mother’s day is always hard for me because my mother chose drugs, alcohol and an abusive husband over me and i’ll never understand why I was never chosen as a kid. now as time goes on and she gets needier my family’s pushing me aside and i see it more and more everyday.

i guess what i’m trying to get across is if you struggle with the same or similar things, or you’re feeling low and alone, i see you, i hear you and i’m here.

i’m always here to listen and lend an ear in anyway anyone needs, you’ve all given me a creative and safe space to feel free to vent and write in, and i’d like to do the same for you.

i see you, i love you, you matter❤️

[chrisevansonly]

i just want to be happy.

[chrisevansonly]

i feel like my series is failing…it’s making me not want to write it anymore :(

[chrisevansonly]

little wednesday update:

hi my lovelies just popping in to say hi and wish everyone a happy midweek! we have a lot of wildfires and forest fires near my city so there’s been an insane amount of smoke and i’ve been needing to wear a mask everywhere. my building and my apartment smell entirely of fire so i’ve been dealing with a bit of health stuff recently in my lungs and throat!

i’m still not feeling 100% but i am going to try and get some writing done and some stuff posted today, but if I don’t just know it’s cause i’m not feeling well!

the smoke and air quality is horrendous where i am and it’s breaking my heart that this is happening to our planet and everyone being affected :/

i hope you’re all taking care of one another🩷

[chrisevansonly]

thank you everyone for the sweet asks, it’s almost 6pm for me now so i’m still kind of winding down from the interview. i’m trying not to get excited about it, i think it went well but i’ll be honest i’ve been applying and applying since beginning of april and i’ve just been getting rejected essentially this whole time so i don’t know.

honestly i’m feeling quite burnout and defeated, i’m really wanting to move to London now and start work, i’m already one unit done in my paralegal certification, and the more i work on it, the more i wish i was in London.

i’ve been dealing with a lot of family problems as well, just having the chance to distance myself and sit back has made me realize a lot of messed up things and i’m somewhat feeling some betrayal and just isolation. it’s just getting to be hard because it’s affecting my everyday life and I really am not happy where I am and where i’m still stuck…

anyway i just wanted to say thank you for providing a space for me to be able to somewhat get things off my chest, but also to write and post things to help distract my brain, I really think I would be struggling more than I am if I didn’t have this space to unwind.

the support and love you all show me helps more than you know🩷