#rubbarband psa

[rubbarband]

If you know me, you know I tend to get in my own head alot when I think about something I do or accidently did I tend to close off and just...think. Even if it's a mistake I tend to blame myself for things or those misunderstandings.

Lemme explain. I'm taking a Hiatus for myself, I don't know how long, it could be two days, a month a year forever...I don't know. And I apologize to those that followed me wanting to interact, but if you've been paying attention, you've noticed I been posting less and less- I have a bad habit for when issues spring up, retreating into myself, alot of my friends, my family do it and I'm a lucky man that my Discord group lets me have my space.

However I couldn't just say nothing, people were replying to rps, and asking where I been and so on, well sadly I had some social issues, one I keep between me and my irl therapist and another happened today, and I'm still confused as to what even happened. Not to overshare but a friend of four plus years sent me this:

and I assume something stressful was going on in their lives and they lashed out at me, I've never been passive aggressive; I'm a very treat people the way you want to be treated type person. I try to be fair and open minded to my I would hope friends and their issues, and if they need to talk try remaining open. So when I got this I was very confused as to where this was coming from, they never told or shared any of this on their blog so I was confused. And I suddenly lost a friend of 4+ years like that, in an instant, with no way to explain myself because I was going to work.

We don't even talk that often on discord, I barely talk to anyone on discord- sorry btw. I'm awkward, I'm quiet irl, used to overexplaining myself so I don't make other people upset with me. but that sudden, confusing loss along with alot of other things happening made me think. "I'm having issues with two friends of mine where they think I'm so sort of monster and that I don't care about them." And it confounds me, none of my Discord people I spent the longest with on tumblr ever mention any deplorable or bad behavior. And they're not afraid to tell me off!

So I walked about from this unfair thought process of me and others thinking. "There must be something wrong with me, I must be the problem." It's probably not unfair, and as my therapist told me, I'm being too hard on myself, sometimes people just blow up...but it still hurts and feel unreal to lose a several years long friend like it was nothing. For no reason.

So I'm taking a break, to get the knots out of my back, to make myself feel better and wanted, so when I reblog a meme it doesn't feel like someone telling lies behind my back (That's just anxiety speaking and she needs to shut up and let me vibe.) so this hobby, can feel fun for me, and those around me.

I want to go back to when this was fun, stress free and I didn't feel like I was pissing people off, having to look over my shoulder and all the racist anon hate. You think you scare me? You're not as scary as my tax bill : P

Anyway, that's all I had to say, I'm glad that the people who stayed, truely stayed were here, and hopefully one day I can come back to Des, with a real heartfelt smile.

Till then, thanks for reading all this bullshit XD

Rook -

TLDR version: [Recording]