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brittovenator · 6 years ago

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Rewire

I’ve told this story over 100 times, but never like this. In an effort to regain who I am, I’m going to attempt to explain what actually happened to me, because I lost everything, in every sense of that word. The very being of who I believed I was, shattered. I tried to keep going like everything was going to be okay and that I was strong, but that was a lie and I lied to myself everyday for over a year. I became a shell of who I used to be. I didn’t know how to interact with other people when I used to crush it in the hospitality industry. I made mistakes because I never dealt with my trauma, and there is a guilt inside of me that causes literal pain.

This feeling of guilt, the lack of knowing who I am, destroyed so much around me. I had to get a restraining order from my ex who was coping with drugs. I almost lost my job, I became distant to every person I had ever come into contact with. I cut out everyone. My anxiety was so intense that I would scream and scream and scream at the top of my lungs to try and force it away. I was having panic attacks five times a day. I was only leaving my house to go to work, and then I couldn’t even do that anymore. I told my best friend that I was done.

I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. The pain in my chest crippled me. I lost around 20 pounds because food made me nauseous. I stopped playing music, I stopped singing, I stopped everything. I had this feeling that I was getting smaller and smaller in a room that would keep growing. I hoped that maybe if I stopped caring about everything that it would go away. I wanted to be left alone and I sat inside my house wearing the same clothes for two weeks before I was forced outside to get different help.

I cried mostly because I missed the girl that I used to be, and I worry that I will never be that person again. I feel like I have been completely un-wired, but the plugs don’t fit into the same sockets anymore. I used to consider this my biggest failure, but now I’m trying to see it as an upgrade, like when you buy a new phone and it comes with a new charging port.

I’ve repressed this memory for so long now, but in order to start feeling better I think that it’s probably time that I spoke out about it. Maybe I can reach someone whose been at their darkest point like I was, and that maybe this could help. I’ll never turn my back on anyone who is in my Route 91 family, especially if you need help just like I did.

I heard the first round of shots. If you were looking towards the stage, I was standing on that right side, the side closest to the Mandalay Bay. I looked over to my right and saw some sort of commotion and heard some loud popping noises, but I thought some kid had thrown down those 4th of July firecrackers and because Jason Aldean looked in that direction and kept singing I thought nothing of it. But then it happened again, I saw someone ripping Jason from the stage. Everyone is screaming, I was laying flat on my back on the ground as close to that center fence as I could, people were laying on me, I was laying on others. I grabbed this girls hand and we were holding each other, I remembered telling this complete stranger that we were going to be okay. Right before they cut the lights off the stage, I saw my friend Luke in his red, white, and blue vest hop the fence and pull his now wife Alyssa over with him when there was a lull in firing. My husband and I decided to follow. But we lost them when we ducked by the side of the stage while another burst rang out. When we finally ran again we ended up hiding underneath a big rigs wheels. We had no idea where the shots were coming from so we didn’t know where we were the most protected. I remember that he yelled at me for being too exposed but it was too chaotic to know where the best cover was. Someone opened the door to the truck open and we all climbed inside. I layed down again and sent out a tweet. Someone was smart enough to rip the loading dock off of the truck and put it up against the fence and that was how we were able to get out of the venue.

I started running, and realized that my husband didn’t over the fence right away. He had stayed to help others, which was admirable but unfair because he left me all alone. I finally heard him call for me, and we just ran and ran. We weren’t sure where to go and all the over passes towards the MGM were shut down, we couldn’t even get back to our hotel room. We were sitting on the walk over that leads into the MGM grand, and I called my mom. I told her “don’t turn on the news, but I’m okay, I love you.” She lives in NY so I knew she was half asleep, she asked my what happened, and I don’t remember if I told her, I just told her to go back to bed. I hung up and someone immediately shouted that there was another shooter and the screaming began again, we all started running into the MGM, the casino was completely empty and the emergency alarms were blaring, there were security guards guiding us through the casino floor towards a conference room, but we didn’t want to be caged in and instead of going with the others, we ran to the hard rock cafe, I remember that we got into the last cab because the radio controller came on and asked all cabs without passengers to return to the stations and stop taking passengers. I don’t know what we would have done if we hadn’t of gotten into that last cab. I don’t know what we would have done if we hadn’t of gotten a hold of Luke and Alyssa (who had ran to the airport). My phone battery was also at 5%, I was in a total panic for so many different reasons. In fact I hadn’t heard from Jenna or Allie since they left the concert (early thankfully, because Allie was in a wheelchair and Devyn wasn’t feeling well) So when I received a phone call from a number I didn’t recognize I just started asking if it was Allie and If they were okay, it turns out it was my boss, I’m sure that freaked her out.

When we finally got back to Alyssa’s place it was about four am. People assume that because he only was shooting for ten minutes, that it only lasted for ten minutes, or because they found him dead in his room an hour and twenty minutes later means that that’s when it ended. It took us almost six hours to get to safety, to finally be able to turn on the television and find out what just happened.

And the four of us just sat in disbelief, until we all forced ourselves to turn it off and go to sleep. I know none of us slept.

The next morning we headed back to our hotel. Everything was silent, no one was speaking. You could tell who hadn’t showered yet, there was dirt everywhere, even on the casino floors. I don’t even remember hearing slot machines running or anything, even if they were. We were supposed to check out that day but they extended us so that we could get our things and recoup. We had been able to get a hold of one person who knew a lot of our mutual friends, and he made a post on our behalf to let them know we were fine, but our phones were dead, so I hoped no one was worried about us more than they needed to be, but was really terrified to actually plug my phone in and turn it on.

Mandalay Bay has always been my favorite hotel in Vegas, we didn’t live a very luxurious life, but we hustled and always tried to make sure that we went to Vegas once a year since I turned 21. I love the sushi restaurant that is there, and I was really bummed to think that there was no way I would ever be able to go into there again, so instead of waiting to do it, we just did. I thought by doing that it would be a healing process and would help me deal with what just happened. I think in a sense it did, I still think I would be okay staying in that hotel.

After we returned home, I had important decisions to make. I was leaving for California in five days, a commitment that I made and felt like I couldn’t back out on. Over the course of a week, I ran for my life, said goodbye to all the people that I met at that concert, came home and said goodbye to all the people I loved and cared about in Colorado, packed up only what was important to me, drove to Arizona to see my friends there, moved into my new apartment in California, and then spent the next month alone or obsessing over my job. I acted every day like I was fine.

Realistically I should have stayed in Colorado, I didn’t have a strong support group when I came out here, I didn’t know my place. Over a year later, and I still don’t. I struggle with that professionally and personally. I know a lot of people were watching me deteriorate, but I just didn’t care.

I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life moving forward, most days I feel like I should quit my job and move on because it would be better for everyone else if I just wasn’t around anymore. I don’t feel as I can turn to the only people I know here. I feel guilty and shameful and alone. It’s hard to suppress those feelings when what is real to everyone else is blurred for me. I feel like I’m going through the motions and not actually doing anything productive because I’m so afraid of screwing up. The worst part about feeling this way is that I truly love my job. I looked forward to coming in even when I was in Colorado. I felt supported and like I belonged with the company. I lost that when I lost myself.

I’m afraid of being a failure, which is ironic because I’ve been failing myself for living a lie since Vegas. All I can hope for is that my reality becomes normal again, instead of it blurring between a place where fear lurks in every direction, and one where I can join a beach volleyball league and not panic around strangers and get weird looks from those who don’t understand. A reality that everyone else understands. To live a normal life. Make friends on my own without relying on someone else. I feel crippled, but I don’t want to use crutches anymore.

#route91 #survivor #country strong #prayforvegas #route91survivor

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