#robert and laurestine price

[vicandsade]

1941-11-05 - Vic’s Christmas Gift List Too Long

[See additional commentary at The Crazy World of Vic and Sade]

File too big for tumblr – get the episode at the above link or HERE.

Vic must send gifts and grease palms; the ever-frugal Sade doesn’t understand why he has to grease so MANY. She ought to disdainfully label it “guy stuff.” She really won’t leave him alone or accept any answers without question, so much so that Vic shuts down and goes into a kind of weary state of serenity.  I especially love his little “Gus Fuss give me a necktie” fugue state.

Sade wonders what kind of Christmas present Vic could possibly get for fifty cents, and I wondered, too, because that sounds like a fair amount of money in 1941 dollars. So I looked it up. DollarTimes says fifty cents was worth about $8.45 in 1940, which would be easily enough for the kind of trinkets you get your work buddies -- a small box of chocolates or a Starbucks gift card (not that they had those, but whatever the equivalent would have been) or a nice pen or something like that. A Hershey bar only cost five cents, so think of the kind of luxury chocolate you could get for 50! A model plane was only 23 cents -- I don’t think Vic would have been getting model planes for his business associates, but just an example of the kind of lovely merchandise you could get for 50 cents in 1940. I think Vic could have kept them very happy for 50 cents or even less. 

Transcript

———–

ANNOUNCER: Well sir, the evening meal has been over only a little while as our scene opens now, and here in the living room of the small house halfway up in the next block, we find Mr. and Mrs. Victor Gook. Vic is established at the library table, competing with himself in a brisk game of Solitaire. His wife sits nearby, ostensibly glancing through the newspaper. Actually, however, she's reading what's scribbled on a piece of scrap paper she just happened to spy beside her on the arm of the davenport. And of a sudden, she says in expostulating tones:

SADE: No, Vic!

VIC: Beg pardon?

SADE: You're not gonna send Christmas presents to all these fellas!

VIC: All what fellas?

SADE: On this scrap of paper.

VIC: That is a private scrap of paper.

SADE: It's layin' here on the arm of the davenport pretty public.

VIC: I meant to throw it in the garbage bucket and forgot to.

SADE: No, but goodness! Gus Fuss, L. Wylie Fapp, U.F. Beakley, T.W. Weatherwax, Howard S. Mont--

VIC: Some of those guys I'm gonna send Christmas CARDS to.

SADE: No, I'm readin' the list marked "Gifts." You got one list marked "Cards" and one list marked "Gifts." This is the one marked "Gifts."

VIC: I feel that I'm quite capable of decidin' to whom I wish to send Christmas presents. In fact, I--

SADE: We have this same rotten old argument every year.

VIC: I know we do and it's a most distressin' thing. I had intended to handle my own Christmas givin' this time and make no mention of it around home here. However, I slipped up. Before supper I jotted down a buncha names on that piece of scrap paper there, and carelessly allowed it to come under your eye.

SADE: Who's Gus Fuss?

VIC: A warm friend and a good scout.

SADE: Never heard of 'em.

VIC: He works at Consolidated Kitchenware Company, Plant 17, Dubuque, Iowa.

SADE: Oh.

VIC: I believe I pointed you out his picture on the cover of the last Kitchenware Dealers' Quarterly.

SADE: Shirt sleeves?

VIC: What?

SADE: Fella in his shirt sleeves? Vest, but no coat? Earmuffs on his ears?

VIC: Yes. That's Gus Fuss.

SADE: Why should you have to send him a big expensive Christmas present?

VIC: Was some mention made of big, expensive Christmas presents on that list?

SADE: We might as well shovel our money out the window with a coal scoop.

VIC: I suggest you save your breath, Sadie. I'm determined that Gus Fuss will receive some slight token from his old pal Vic at Christmas time.

SADE: Spend five or six dollars, hmm?

VIC: Very possibly.

SADE: Let's draw our lovely money outta the Savings Bank and go throw it out in the middle of Miller Park Lake.

VIC: All right. Let's do.

SADE: Who's L. Willie Fapp?

VIC: L. WYLIE Fapp.

SADE: Who's he?

VIC: Another wonderful fella from Plant 17, Dubuque, Iowa.

SADE: Is he a dear old darlin' chum of yours?

VIC: I feel that between L. Wylie Fapp and myself there exists a firm bond of friendship. Yes.

SADE: Funny I never heard of any of these beloved, arms-around-the-neck buddies.

VIC: I've mentioned L. Wylie Fapp on numerous occasions. I recall mentionin' him just the other day. I was tellin' you and Rush about how he bought me a chocolate bar when I was in Dubuque.

SADE: He bought you a chocolate bar, so you feel like you hafta trot out your pocketbook and get him a big, monstrous, expensive Christmas present?

VIC: [chuckles] Aw, kiddo, for Pete's sake!

SADE: No, but actually. Every year in the world, we go through the same business. You cook up a list of fellas a mile long to send gifts to. Why?

VIC: Please give me credit for ha--

SADE: Gus Fuss, five dollar present. And L. Willie Yapp, five dollar present.

VIC: L. WYLIE FAPP. L. Wylie Fapp is a--

SADE: That's ten dollars. My goodness, ten dollars! All that spondulix! And just because Jess Mess bought ya an ice cream cone.

VIC: Not Jess Mess, Sadie. Gus Fuss. And it wasn't an ice cream cone. It was a chocolate bar. And it wasn't Gus Fuss bought it for me, it was L. Wylie Fapp. Furthermore, I think I--

SADE: January, February, March, April...

VIC: I'm familiar with the months of the year, thanks.

SADE: ...May, June, July, August, September, October, November, we scrape and save and scrimp and accumulate money to put in the bank, and are proud of ourselves. Then along comes December and something happens to your head and we take the bread out of our mouth to buy presents for all the fellas on this list. Oh, must be twenty fellas down here! And you're gonna give 'em all five dollar presents. And what's five times twenty? A hundred?

VIC: Was when I went to school.

SADE: Think of it! A hundred dollars! No, Vic, let's do that.

VIC: Do what?

SADE: Draw our money outta the savings bank and go throw it in the middle of Miller Park Lake.

VIC: I presume YOU have friends you intend to remember at Christmas time.

SADE: Just a teeny, tiny, rotten few. Robert and Laurestine Price. Chuck and Dottie Brainfeeble. Bess and Walter, Fred and Ruthie. Mr. and Mrs. Donahue. Uncle Fletcher, Mis' Harris, you, and Rush. That's about my list.

VIC: You are a housewife. I am a businessman. Naturally, the businessman has many more obligations in the matter of--

SADE: Aw, fiddle-de-widdle! Who's this U.F. Beakley?

VIC: U.F. Beakley happens to be the Exalted Big Dipper of the Purple Prairie Popinjay Chapter of the Sacred Stars of the Milky Way in Moline, Illinois.

SADE: A wild stranger.

VIC: The gentlemen whose names you see on that scrap of paper are not "wild strangers." The gentlemen whose names--

SADE: They're wild strangers as far as I'm concerned. This U.F. Beakley, now. Whatcha gonna buy him for Christmas?

VIC: A gold watch and chain.

SADE: No!

VIC: U.F. Beakley gets a gold watch and chain. Gus Fuss gets a leather easy chair.

SADE: No!!

VIC: L. Wylie Fapp gets a sixteen cylinder automobile. T.W. Weatherwax gets a set of office furniture. Howard S. Montgomery gets a ruby ring. I. Edson Box gets a yacht. And Sam Shout gets a solid platinum coathanger.

SADE: [wearily] Ha, ha, ha.

VIC: Percy X. Snoot gets an emerald necktie clasp for which I propose layin' out fifteen thousand dollars hard cash.

SADE: Very funny. Ha-ha-ha.

VIC: Well, it's "very funny, ha-ha-ha," this dimwit talk! I'm not gonna buy all those guys five buck presents! You oughta know that.

SADE: How much ARE ya gonna spend?

VIC: I can't tell! Haven't thought about it. Fifty cents, maybe. Seventy-five. Dollar and a quarter.

SADE: What kind of a gift can ya get for fifty cents.

VIC: I don't know, Sade.

SADE: No, but what kind CAN ya?

VIC: I don't know.

SADE: There's twenty names on this list.

VIC: Are there?

SADE: I counted 'em.

VIC: Mm.

SADE: Suppose ya bought twenty fifty-cent presents. What would that add up to?

VIC: Ten dollars.

SADE: Well, we're not the kinda people, Vic, where ten dollarses grow on trees out in our front yard, ya know!

VIC: Mmm.

SADE: We got to squeeze our ten dollarses 'til the eagle howls.

VIC: Mmm.

SADE: Can't ya cut down on some of these names?

VIC: Sure.

SADE: Ya can?

VIC: Sure.

SADE: You're just sayin' that.

VIC: No.

SADE: You're just sayin' that so I'll quit talkin'.

VIC: No, you cut down the list yourself. Scratch out anybody you choose. Scratch out Gus Fuss. Scratch out L. Wylie Fapp. Scratch out Percy X. Snoot. Here's my pencil.

SADE: You'll just make out another list.

VIC: Uh.

SADE: Won't ya?

VIC: Please, Sade.

SADE: 'Course, you're doin' your best to make me out stingy and mean. You know I'm not, though.

[telephone rings]

SADE: You know I'm only tryin' to--

VIC: Telephone's ringin', telephone's ringin'.

SADE: All right. Get it.

VIC: Mmm.

SADE: Gus Fuss, L. Wylie Fapp, U.F. Beakley, T.W. Weatherwax, Howard S. Montgomery, I. Edson Box, Sam Shout, Percy X. Snoot...

VIC: [answers phone] Hello? [pause] Why, no, he's not. [pause] Down at the YMCA, I believe. [pause] Uh-huh. [pause] Why, I s'pose, watchin' the fat men play handball. Who is this? [pause] Oh, hello, Rooster! How are you? [pause] Uh-huh. Fine, thanks. [pause] Yeah, I think you'll find him there. [pause] Okay, Rooster. [hangs up] Rooster Davis, by George.

SADE: No, but what CAN ya get for fifty cents?

VIC: A derby hat.

SADE: Seriously.

VIC: [chuckles] I don't know.

SADE: Can't get any very substantial Christmas gift for that little bit.

VIC: I'm just gonna buy these fellas trifles, Sade.

SADE: You expect to receive Christmas presents from them?

VIC: Sure.

SADE: I don't remember you gettin' any twenty gifts from your business friends last year, or ANY year.

VIC: I got quite a few.

SADE: What did Russ Buss send ya?

VIC: Gus Fuss?

SADE: Yes.

VIC: Sent me a necktie.

SADE: Where is it?

VIC: In Cody, Wyoming under heavy guard.

SADE: I don't remember any neckties.

VIC: Aw, Sade!

SADE: But I don't!

VIC: [firmly] Gus Fuss gimme a necktie! Gus Fuss gimme a necktie! Gus Fuss gimme a necktie. GUS FUSS GIMME A NECKTIE.

SADE: Funny ya can't tell me which one.

VIC: Gus Fuss gimme a necktie.

SADE: What did Bill Willie Phipp send you?

VIC: L. Wylie Fapp?

SADE: Yeah.

VIC: Sent me a necktie.

SADE: I don't recall you receivin' any bushel baskets fulla neckties last Christmas.

VIC: L. Wylie Fapp send me a necktie.

SADE: U.F. Beakley send you a necktie also?

VIC: Yes.

SADE: What color was it? Green?

VIC: Yes.

SADE: T.W. Weatherwax send you a necktie?

VIC: Yes. T.W. Weatherwax sent me a necktie.

SADE: And Howard S. Montgomery and I. Edson Box and Sam Shout and Percy X. Snoot?

VIC: Yes.

SADE: Just refuse to discuss this with me, hm?

VIC: It's all so wretched and pointless and miserable!

SADE: I'm only tryin' to do what any wife'd do, Vic.

VIC: Thanks.

SADE: I see places where your lovely salary can be economized on a little, naturally I do my best to track 'em down.

VIC: Mm.

SADE: January, February, March, April--

VIC: I know the months of the year.

SADE: --May, June, July, August, September, October, November, we watch our pennies and save and scrimp. And are real proud of our thriftiness. Then December comes around and you trot out your lead pencil and fix up Christmas lists with Mus Puss and Gel Billie Sapp and T.W. Weatherwax and--

[telepone rings]

SADE: Sam--

VIC: Telephone's ringin', telephone's ringin', telephone's ringin'.

SADE: All right.

VIC: I bet it's good old Vernon Peggles. Or good old LeRoy Snow. Or good old Smelly Clark.

SADE: Uh.

VIC: Maybe it's good old Leland Richards.

SADE: Could be good old Fred and Ruthie.

VIC: [answers phone] Hello? [pause] Oh, yes! [to SADE] It is.

SADE: Fred and Ruthie?

VIC: Yeah. [on phone] How are you, Dr. Sleetch? [pause] Oh, just sittin' around with our shoelaces in our eyelets. Uh-huh. [pause] Uh-huh. [pause] Well sir, by George, Ruthie, I'll just go to work and see. [to SADE] They feel like five hundred.

SADE: All right.

VIC: [on phone] Sadie hit the ceilin' with ecstacy at the prospect, Ruthie. [pause] Fine. [pause] Fine. [pause] Fine. [pause] Fine. [pause] Okay, dandy. [pause] See you, Ruthie. [pause] Bye-bye. [hangs up]

SADE: Comin' here, hm?

VIC: Yep.

SADE: Right away?

VIC: Within the next half hour.

SADE: Mmm. [pause] Gus Fuss, L. Willie Fapp, U.F. Beakley, T.W. Weatherwax, Howard S. Montgomery...

VIC: Please, Sadie.

SADE: I. Edson Box, Sam Shout.

VIC: Please.

SADE: Percy X. Snoot.

VIC: Sadie?

SADE: What?

VIC: PLEASE.