#roadto_______

[roadtorima-blog]

tears for Baba will always be happy and healthy ones.

soooo, i wrote this excerpt in a blog post about two months ago: 

but let’s backtrack for a minute. 2015 and 2016 were two of my roughest years. when I say “roughest,” I do not mean that these were overall bad years for me; i am blessed enough to say that I have never experienced an overall bad year - let alone week - in my 24 years living. you might say that the positivity is due to circumstance, but I would argue that it’s equally (if not more so) due to perspective. anyway, I digress…

Where it all ended was truly where it began...

Fast forward. March 13th, 2017 around 2:30 AM. My father passed away suddenly. barely two days after my parents’ anniversary, less than ten days after Baba’s 57th birthday. during the climax of his speedy recovery post-heart surgery. some say massive heart attack, but nobody knows for sure. anyway, there is no logical explanation that I will ever accept (or care to hear). my father’s power defied logic for 57 years, so i find sense in that truth and that truth alone. 

I will never, ever, ever forget that night, and despite the trauma i still feel, i somehow never want to forget that night. 

I’ll never forget my mother screaming my name at 2:30 AM. I’ll never forget rushing down the stairs only to see my father’s body laying on their bedroom floor. I’ll never forget the numbness of my cold bare feet running next door to get my aunt and uncle, knocking helplessly at their doorstep, hearing my mom’s continued screams from our house. i’ll never forget how my uncle answered the door asking me “what’s happening Rima!?” How I said “i don’t know!” but the truth was, I knew. and he knew. we all knew. 

I’ll never forget each family member’s reaction upon bursting into my house at such late hours of the night, the stages of emotion upon entering the house and realizing what had happened. i’ll never forget trying to reconcile my eerily lit home with the darkness of the night and with the looming shock and horror that i felt in that hour. the bright flashing lights of the ambulance juxtaposed with the dark night sky. a scene i’ve seen before, but this time, it was my house. it all still feels like nightmare on neckel street. 

I’ll never forget begging God to just let me know if my father was dead, negotiating with him to put us out of our misery and just get it over with in the hour between his collapse and the EMS trying desperately to revive a corpse, to take back something that was never ours to begin with. to compete with God - undoubtedly a losing battle. 

I’ll never forget my cousins and I having to drive to ann arbor to tell my 17 year old sister that our father passed away. I’ll never forget the feeling in my chest on the way there. my soft knocks on my sister’s dorm room to try to wake her up. her face expression turning from “happy/confused to see me” to devastation. I’ll never forget having to call my older brother who currently lives in LA and disrupt his sleep with a waking nightmare. I’ll never forget the anxiety in trying to package the words as delicately as possible, in hopes that it would lessen the blow, knowing that it wouldn’t. in hopes that it wouldn’t be as traumatizing for my siblings as it was for me. in hopes that i could share with them the peace i knew i would end up feeling, but was desperately speaking into existence that night.

but the truth is, despite how traumatizing that night still is for me, I don’t want to forget. i want to remember it all. i run it all back every night because I want to feel every single thing I am supposed to feel, because that is the only way for me to deal with this in a healthy way. because myself, my family and Baba deserve for me to be happy. and hamdillah somehow, i am happy. despite it all, i’m still happy.   

Baba’s kryptonite

One of the biggest lessons Baba learned from his eldest daughter was that it’s okay to cry. Growing up, Baba would grow visibly hurt, upset, uncomfortable, frustrated and even angry whenever he saw me cry. Sometimes he would even yell at me, telling me to stop crying, of course, only resulting in exponentially more tears. It was the cutest thing, to know that my tears were once his kryptonite. But the kryptonite wasn’t going anywhere, so in order for him to remain my Superman, Baba had to re-adjust his approach. 

The irony is that, i am my father’s and mother’s daughter: an extremely thoughtful and emotional being who feels deeply and frequently. As I journeyed further into my adolescence (and hormones!), Baba experienced a perspective shift when seeing me cry. He would nurture me, love me, and give me the space I needed to feel what I was feeling. Sometimes, he would slowly open the door when I trapped myself in my room, ask me if I was okay, and then close the door gently. He realized that regardless what he did or didn’t say, I was going to let myself feel what I needed to feel, exactly how I needed to feel it, no matter how he felt about it! 

That hasn’t changed. My father deserves every tear that I shed in his name, just as he deserves every bit of laughter his memory causes. He deserves for me to treat myself kindly and to allow myself to break down whenever I feel like it. He deserves for me to heal and hurt peacefully. He deserves for me to scream if I feel like it, to laugh if I feel like it, to miss him, to celebrate him, to mourn him. He deserves for me to move on and continue to carry him with me every step of the way forward. i can only move forward. 

He deserves for me to think always about how he would want me to react, and allow his pure intentions to serve as a compass for the delicacy and love that I need to be providing to myself and my loved ones right now. I’m happy that Baba can see me cry now, and that he can understand even deeper than I do what is behind those tears. I’m happy that he knows this is part of my process, that these tears are healthy and happy tears, because nothing resulting from Baba could possibly be anything but happy and healthy. 

i made peace right there and then.

On March 13th, 2017, at 2:30 AM, when I saw Baba’s body on that floor, i accepted his death immediately. today, over a month later, i still feel that peace and acceptance. i believe that God’s grace and Baba’s omnipotent love for me enabled me to make peace with something otherwise so unfathomable to me. there is no other explanation for the calmness that I feel despite the blows I’ve felt to my heart. but once again, logic will always fall short when explaining Imad Fadlallah’s greatness. 

for my loved ones reading this, especially those who are worried about me, i want you to know that on March 13th, 2017, Baba never looked so beautiful to me. i want you to know that i get random urges to go lay in that same spot and basque in the last living space my father occupied. maybe i will feel his spirit. maybe i will be as stunning as he was that night. maybe i will emerge even stronger than I already am. i want you to know that I am okay and will continue to be okay. why?

because while lifeless, Baba is still so full of life. while absent, i still feel his presence. while i can’t physically hold his hand, he is still holding mine and guiding me with every waking moment. that man is full of unexplainable wonders i tell you, and i’m so lucky to forever be on the receiving end of them. 

the #roadtorima continues, now more than ever.

I know that despite my positive perspective, you may be thinking that 2017 is about to replace 2015-16′s title of being two of my roughest years. maybe even ‘18 and ‘19 depending on how long it takes me to fully grieve. but ironically, that’s not the part of the excerpt i added at beginning of this post that struck me the most. it was the last sentence: “you might say that positivity is due to circumstance, but I would argue that it’s equally (if not more so) due to perspective.”

oddly enough, i don’t even think i knew how true that was when i originally wrote it two months ago. but it’s true. despite the fact that i have never lost someone this close to me, let alone so suddenly, traumatically, and unexpectedly, 2017 will not be the roughest year for me. neither will ‘18, or ‘19, or any year after that. why? because a few months ago, i traversed on my #roadtorima journey, and, now more than ever, do i need to keep going. perspective is everything, and i’m so lucky to have gained it in the months prior to Baba’s transition. 

i thank God for this blessing several times a day: that I was able to find my path for me and only me. God knows me and he knows that the only way I would truly accept this path towards righteousness is if i knew i chose it for myself, that it was not a reaction to anything negative, but more so an active step in what I knew was the right direction. 

I thank him several times a day for providing me with the guidance I needed to make those right decisions. I thank him several times a day for helping me uncover the strength and gratitude that I do, indeed, have within me, for it is almost insulting to him and to my father for me to have ever believed otherwise. 

i thank him several times a day for allowing me to strengthen my relationship with my father (and God), for me to speak and write such genuine and loving words about my father in the months prior to his transition, without a clue at all that he would pass. I thank God several times a day for showing me who I am and who I’m not, so that during this time - a time that could have otherwise been cloudy, chaotic and emotionally draining - i could actually experience a heightened sense of clarity, calmness and determination. 

And most importantly, I thank God for my mother. Her strength shines through every tear she sheds, every word she utters, every sentence she writes, every breath she takes. she is the most beautiful thing i know.  

i know that my father is so incredibly proud of the woman he chose as his one and only soulmate. i know that he is smiling with serenity and satisfaction, because though she doubts her strength at times, her broken heart, much like a shattered crystal, is able to attract more light in order to illuminate the darkest of times, the most concealed corners, the highest heights. she inspires me most during her most vulnerable moments, because that is when her true strength is able to shine through. during this hardship, my mother truly exhibits the beauty and power that Baba always knew she had within her. he’s so proud of you Mama, and so are we.  

Rima Imad Fadlallah: what’s in a name? 

I know it won’t be easy. I know that I’m going to have good and bad days. I don’t have the answers, nor do I want all of them right now. I want to figure this out just like I figure everything else out. I want to let it all happen naturally. I want baba to continue making me better. I want to continue growing closer to my family. i want to move back home. some reactionary events are okay; i embrace that. i want to continue looking at life through a whole different perspective. 

during the time when i was distant with my family, Baba asked me to let him know when he’ll have his daughter back. those last couple months with him, he knew i was back for good. i knew he knew, and he knew i knew. i just didn’t say it, because some things are more powerful when left unsaid. i’m so grateful that he knows that I will continue honoring my role as his eldest daughter - Rima Imad Fadlallah - and all of the greatness that my name entails.  

[roadtorima-blog]

#theRiUP

as many of you may know, I’ve been in the process of finalizing my brand for the past several months. my #roadto_______ brand kind of happened intuitively: i began heavily using the “roadto” hashtag when i began my journey towards holistic self-betterment almost a year ago. i didn’t realize it was my brand until after it was my brand: something others associated with me, with or without a trademark. i wouldn’t have wanted the process to go any other way. 

as i write this post today, despite the hurdles in my path that the past couple months have presented, i can proudly say that i’ve continued on my remarkable #roadtorima gracefully and even more vigorously than i could have ever hoped for or imagined given the magnitude of those potential hurdles. 

im proud of myself. writing and saying that feels so good, and i deserve to hear it. i’m so, so proud, yet still so humbled. 

this sense of pride, continued humility and newfound strength inspired me to incorporate the first of many branch-offs to the #roadtorima trend: “#theRiUP.” 

generally speaking, the phrase “re-up” implies some sort of renewal. many of my #roadtorima branch-offs (won’t spoil them all just yet!) will play on the “Ri” in my name. while it’s clearly catchy, there’s certainly more method behind the madness. 

most words beginning in “re” suggest second chances. think about it: renew; reenergize; refocus; resurgence; rejuvenate; reiterate; etc. re-words allow you to do something again, but better. they offer continuity. consistency. taking a chance. Ri-fusing to give up. Ri-Silience. a Ri-fined perspective, if you will.

it’s precisely this perfect blend of self-forgiveness and accountability that i embody and want to continue to promote with my brand and my work. my name just so happens to make it extremely (and obnoxiously) easy for me to do so. sounds ri-sonable. :)

as for now, #theRiUP is this new phase where i continue doing everything I’ve been doing, but i kick it up several notches. #theRiUP will bring my productivity and growth to completely new heights, and i’m so excited to share them with you.

i was going hard at the gym. #theRiUP means i’ll go harder. i was maintaining a healthy diet. #theRiUP means i’ll ensure my diet is completely aligned to my fitness goals. i have been blog writing consistently. #theRiUP means i’ll own a blog, a vlog and a finalized and patented logo for my #roadto_______ brand. i’ve been taking care of myself. #theRiUP means that i will nourish, respect and value myself like me, myself and I are star-crossed lovers. i have been listening to my heart and spirit when making decisions. #theRiUP means that i’m literally deaf to everything else.  

as you can see, #theRiUP is in full effect. and i’m already humbled by my results. i literally feel lighter and free of negativity: mind, body, and soul. you see, some people de-tox periodically; i, on the other hand, choose to #RiUP continuously. 

[roadtorima-blog]

#roadtorima & the “#roadto_______” trend

my favorite teacher introduced me to one of my favorite quotes: “the deepest secret is that life is not a process of discovery, but a process of creation. you are not discovering yourself, but creating yourself anew. seek therefore not to find out who you are, but seek to determine who you want to be.” 

with time, this quote became both my mindset and driving force behind many of my pursuits, including my beloved “#roadto_________” trend. initially, i used the “roadtooctober” trend to highlight my drive to feel and look fitter before my 24th birthday in october. although the short turnaround of the initial goal (june to october 2016) motivated me tremendously, i soon learned that my “destinations” were never truly set in time, but rather extremely fluid. they were more like check-points for me to assess my progress towards a given goal, and continue to set new and more ambitious ones. the irony behind this above-mentioned “road” is that it never truly ends, and i think that’s why i want to keep going.   

health/fitness is but one of the plethora of passions i possess, which is why i decided not to keep a permanent “destination” on my hashtag; i wanted to use it to highlight my progress physically, spiritually, professionally, academically, etc. i view my life as a never-ending journey of self-betterment, creation, evaluation and re-creation. anything i want to do, i can do, so don’t be surprised by the diversity of “destinations” that you’ll see. some are academic #roadtoRossBschool; #roadtoharvardEdLD; some are spiritual: #roadtoselflove; #roadtoAllah; and some are personal: #roadtonobellyfat.  

but the most important trend of all is the underlying theme behind this blog: “roadtorima.” i agree that life is a process of creation. but creation assumes discovery. each day, i am learning myself so i can continue creating the person i aspire to be. #roadtorima requires that i honor and reconcile my present self (flaws and all) with my future dreams, while loving, being kind and true to myself along the way. this blog will serve as a pivotal point in this journey of self creation, and i’m ecstatic to have you with me for the ride.