#rly considering actually looking for a psych now bc i dont think my current meds will keep me from killing myself

[skunkes]

i know this is a very personal question, so feel free to ignore this one if youd prefer. but happened that youve been referring to recently for causing you to lose hope in your future? im only asking as someone who related to a lot of your struggles with trying to move out and become independent from unsupportive parents but was able to squeak my way out and want to give input if possible, but if its not my place to ask i understand! either way, im hoping the best for you always.

id avoided talking abt it in depth before the bad news bc i was afraid id get Bad Energy sent my way but i guess it didnt matter anyway LOL

IN THE SHORTEST OF TERMS: i was passed on for a jawb.

now i know that this isn't uncommon. im finding it hard to tell people about it without embarrassment because well, duh, being rejected is a common thing for job hunting. even qualified people are having trouble. "ive applied to 100 jobs and not gotten any interviews" etc etc.

the heartbreak comes from it being an opportunity where I had everything going for me. not only did it sound like a perfect and doable job for cheye which is already insanely difficult, had good benefits and environment, but my friend also works there and she put in a good word for me to her higher up, who then put in a good word for me to HER higher up. her usual work stories had me feeling confident about potential interviews and who i'd be working with and potentially interviewed by. they have someone working a similar position who also had 0 relevant degrees/experience. there were no other applicants. navigating this new life would have been so much more doable with my friend in the same immediate environment. etc. i didnt even make it to the first round. which sucks bc i know I could have won them over with my personality had i made it there.

if i bombed so badly with all this extra extra help then what hope is there for me in any other scenario. even if i did manage to find something else and get hired it'd be way harder for me to show up to an interview (friend was gonna take me if it happened), or be confident in my moving out (what if i hate any other workplace and have to quit and move back immediately or something, proving my parents who dont even want me to escape right lmfao), or anything.

honestly im kind of relieved because every day i was back and forth on what id do if i did get hired. the burden (on everyone) of moving out and furnishing my life.

but at the same time it is now unendingly hitting me because the thought of making it out was the only thing keeping me going, closest ive ever gotten to anything as someone with 0 prospects. now im very very aware of what i dislike about living here as i continue to live it ykwim. and very aware about my path to T being cut off once more. aware of the health issues i wont be getting fixed any time soon. the art i have to get out despite general fatigue + exhaustion to keep the insurance i do have. the life i wont be living even if i so badly still fear it.

worst part is that dis hasnt changed anything lol im still not going back to college or looking into certs or careers or even trying to get good enough at driving to be able to drive out of town by myself to visit friends or be alone for a bit or anything. i dont want anything that badly. i dont want anything at all. so i cannot complain. alas.